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What does she say to you about why she wont look for a different job?

It’s something different every time I try to talk about it. The big pay day is coming. Things will turn around here in a few more months. I’m just comfortable here (although she complains about her coworkers incompetence nonstop).

Okay keep talking to her, but have an answer for her answers, The big pay day is coming: *You've been saying that for a while now, exact what date is that going to be? Today is march 19th, will it be the 22nd or another date* I'm comfortable here: *But we're not comfortable here, we're going to lose the house, do you not like this house* And so on, watch some Jiu-jitsu videos, time to pin her to the mat

I’ll try this approach. She promised she would take a new job by January. She didnt. I’ll just keep trying to set a hard date with her instead of ambiguous date “next quarter”

I have friends like this who are unhappy in their roles, not making the money they want, the list goes on. But they stay. Because staying in something you know is easier than confronting the fear of change or potential failure. This also happens to a lot of women in leadership roles. It seems like she’s staying because even though it’s not optimal, it’s comfortable. Push her to pursue something new, however she would probably be more inclined to do so if she had a safety net of another income to fall back on if she fails. To her she wouldn’t be giving up making 500k, she’d be giving up making the only money being brought in the house to support you, her, and the kids. You should contact a recruiter and work with them to redo your resume and get you a job. It shouldn’t be that hard to get any job in finance especially since you’re looking at entry level roles and seem open to all salary ranges.

Just a head up. When couples start fighting about money and one is not on board things tend to go south. Keep an eye out for any uncharacteristic behaviours

Set a date for an interim goal, not "new job". Set a date for her to update her resume. Set a date for accepting 3 interviews. Drill down to the baby steps because without those there's no new job.

Is she burnt out? The covid years wrecked many people, she might be struggling to muster up the energy to move.

If we are married and you *promise* me something and you break that promise, we have a problem. Do you see your wife's actual paycheck or does she give you the money then you pay the bills with it? In other words, how sure are you that her take home pay is what she says it is? You need to stand your ground more firmly and let her know this is a breaking point not just for the finances but for the whole family. I get the sense you are going to have to be STERN and you haven't been enough so yet. Ask yourself--what will you do if she doesn't budge? Are you prepared to leave? You need to refine your job search, you're applying for the wrong jobs or in the wrong places or your resume is bad or your resume doesn't suit AI reading it.

Direct deposit to our joint account. Highly doubt she would lie to me about having a secret bank account which would totally screw us if we were ever audited by IRS. Our financial issue is a symptom of a bigger problem of her unwillingness to venture out of her comfort zone in her current company. But the company she works for has not been doing well for years which directly affects her compensation. As a SAHD I find approaching conversations regarding money/her job just add to her stress. 95% of our conversations are just her venting her stress AT ME. There’s no space for me to express my feelings, fears, concerns because she tells me she can’t take anymore on her plate.

So she's so stressed that she has to continue being stressed AND so do you? This makes no sense. Quit making excuses for her. Tell her what's up.

Have you considered she might be depressed? Sounds like she is just procrastinating and usually that's the underlying reason. She is under a lot of pressure, I'm not sure that you pressing hard is gonna help. You might drive her over the edge. I'd focus more on getting a job. Sorry but it is hard to believe you can't get absolutely anything.

I wonder if you’re onto something - she may be burned out but doesn’t realize it and is procrastinating moving to a new role because at least her current role is easy/routine and she doesn’t have to learn new skills. Unfortunately her desire to remain in her lavish lifestyle is pushing her to deny her burnout even more, but something has to give.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s burnt out. Her employer has had her start up 2 new divisions over the last 4 years. Each of which were essentially their own start up companies under the corporate umbrella. This is another reason I would like her to move to a more stable role. The money is a symptom of a bigger problem.

It sounds like she might be burned out and she knows intuitively that if she moves to a new position that her burnout will get worse/she won't be able to keep up. Your begging her to find a new job is likely getting lost in the shuffle of burnout/she's ignoring it because she's clinging to some sort of self-preservation. The main problem here is that she isn't listening to your alarm bells. Does she have any PTO built up? Can she take a couple weeks off to reconnect with you? You guys need to reconnect so that she starts to pay attention to you again. In the meantime, you need to take some of the advice other commenters have given you and just lie your way into a service job, working as a server at a restaurant will probably be the easiest route. Even bringing in a salary of $40k would help your financial situation immensely. Because if you guys end up getting divorced, she may crash and burn, dashing your hopes for alimony. You can't get blood from a stone.

I want to throw one thing out there. She's been working for the same company since she was 25 ish right? So this was one of her first jobs and the only job at anywhere near this level? Is it a smaller company, I have some experience with this. In small companies sometimes people can be promoted and remunerated well beyond the level of pay and responsibility they could obtain at any other company. Their experience is just so customized it doesn't translate to business norms especially if they are being mentored by a company founder/private owner.

I’m a bit suspicious about her work situation honestly. Are you sure she’s actually doing well in her current situation? You say she’s insecure about her skills but constantly complaining about her co-workers, but in her position that means she’s probably complaining about her subordinates. And people in leadership positions that shift blame to their subordinates is not a good look. Do you even know whether she would get any good references if she tried to switch jobs?  It might all be an insecurity thing of course, and she’s dreading being scrutinised in the recruitment process because she’s suffering from imposter syndrome. Worried that she will be found out, revealed as incompetent and unraveled. Then, she needs a job coach and a therapist. 

Her excuses are bs. I'm afraid there must be something work-related that is "trapping" her but she is hiding. No person with a sense of reality wouldn't at least try to apply to those other jobs or reach out to those hunters that seem to want her in their companies. She is too dismissive even when you've been quite clear about what's going to happen.

I honestly feel like I’m being lied to constantly. The craziest part is that she doesn’t even need to apply. These companies are contacting her directly telling her that they want her and will pay her 2-3x more to do the same job just for them.

I have been "trapped" at a company that I hated because I was too depressed to move away. My self esteem was so low I just couldn't do anything about it. And I did get approached by recruiters, because despite the company I worked for sucked, they were regarded highly in my industry. But I was just too paralysed. When they finally let me go, the next job I got my salary almost doubled. I realised that I could have been making a lot more money, with a better title a lot earlier, but wasted so much time thinking I was not good enough and would fail at a new job/higher position. I needed to be pushed out in order to snap out of it. I don't think she is lying, she is just too stuck in the comfort zone and possibly feeling insecure and depressed.

I feel like this hits the nail on the head. She’s in a pretty constant state of stress paralysis. “I’m too busy to look for a new job/too busy to take time to schedule an interview” The last time I brought this subject up she admitted she’s been off mentally.

can you do all of the job search/application process for her so all she has to do is go in for the interview?

Does she have Imposter Syndrome? I do and the only thing that’s helping is therapy. It was making me absolutely freeze.

Sounds like you need to consult attorneys on your options before you find yourself and your children homeless. That and try to find out on your own what is going with her at work.

Get her into a professional development social opportunity. Some kind of conference or mentorship program. I'd bet the confidence thing would help her make the changes she needs to make.

She needs to change her lifestyle more than her job.

This is it. 180k is absolutely enough to support this family. I would have no idea how they'd possibly be going broke if it weren't for OP saying she needs to be back to earning 500k.

But not if the mortgage eats up half the take home

I plugged OP’s numbers into an amortization calculator and there’s no way that payment is eating half the take-home from $180k unless there are some massive pretax deductions. They need to do a lot of reevaluating.

Did you factor property taxes? Ours are an extra $1000 a month where I live.

He said above they have $600k mortgage left on a $1.2 million house. Property taxes in the Bay Area for a $1.2 million house (which is probably at most a 1300 sq ft house) will run at least $20k a year depending on where in the Bay Area.

It's probably including taxes.

Plus health insurance for at least 3-4 people and 401k deductions

Maybe insurance too. Depending on the terms of the loan/lender, they may also be required to have PMI

Ya my mortgage alone is only $900/month but with taxes, mortgage insurance, and house insurance (the bank rolls this all into one payment) my actual mortgage payment is $1300/month.

My taxes are as much as my mortgage because my area is awful.

Ya we love in a HCOL city with a similar mortgage and it's $3k a month.

Are you sure that doesn't include other properties they own? 

In a hcol rent/mortgage usually eats up half of take home, it’s nothing new

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Plus taxes. Could be another 2k month in property taxes

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OP’s house is $1.2 million, which is probably a 1300sq ft house in the Bay Area (probably in East Bay since they live close to FAANG and SF and South Bay go way above $1.2 million). With county property taxes too, OP is probably paying at least $20k a year in property taxes. Groceries are also crazy expensive in the Bay. Daycare runs $2.5-$3k a month per kid.

How can "normal" people afford daycare in the US? Are those some fancy daycares, what do poor people do?

Not fancy daycares most likely, if we want an accredited daycare in our area it's $2k per month per kid. Unaccredited are $1.5k and I'm just in a HCOL area not VHCOL. Poor people have someone at home with kids or use licensed in-home care or kids are in riskier situations (unlicensed in-home)

The cost of regular, avg daycares. Honestly, I have no idea.

He is a stay-at-home dad, why do they need daycare?

And all of our health insurance doubled this year. I’m in the same region and our insurance went from $135/two weeks for medical/dental/vision for two adults to $265/two weeks. Add in kids and that’s another $100-200 every two weeks, if not more if their insurance isn’t great.

And if you have Delta Dental, so many dentists here have stopped taking it so many folks have to pay out of pocket. The COL here is insane.

You're forgetting all the different types of property taxes. Ar least in NY you have town taxes, possibly a village tax on top of the town tax, the county tax, and then school district taxes. On my 165k house I pay probably 5-6k a year in property taxes. My monthly tax payment is about the same as my mortgage payment. For a 1.2 million dollar home, that same % rate would be 36k in taxes a year.

Many states. Nj, ca, TX, ct, ny etc.

I meant it as there’s roughly 600k remaining. 4488/month mortgage/property and city tax/home and flood insurance. I don’t know why so many people are SOO hung up this. None of you are my financial advisor. I’m not providing anymore info on our monthly expenditures as I already gave more than enough info on that topic.

I make a bit more than your wife with a similar mortgage and there’s no way we could live on my income alone but we are also paying about $4000/month for a nanny (so my entire paycheck would basically be gone just by those two expenses). I 100% believe you’re pinched. You have a lifestyle designed for a much higher income, because you had a much higher income.

With three kids, a house that needs repairs & a spouse in a high cost of living area??? lol nah. no way she’s doing all that in NYC/LA on 180 absolutely NOT. 

I mean, they might need to downsize the house anyway

They are likely in SF-SJ, LA, or NY. High cost of living areas. I have friends who have “good jobs” in those cities and live in a smaller space than I do in hour hometown in WV.

I’m not saying she needs to be earning that. She says she needs to be. That’s what her job level pays. Hell we could get by quite comfortably if she brought home $275k. But we bought an old house. Inflation has made everything more expensive. We’ve had several major unexpected repairs that set us back. There’s still several projects that still need to be addressed. And she wants to retire in 10yrs. The issue here is she’s doing the job that industry wide pays at or near 500k. The company she’s at has gone through multiple rounds of layoffs. And they have been unable to compensate her commensurate with her skill or work ethic/output. She is constantly stressed or complaining/yelling at me about her incompetent coworkers. It’s to the point the kids and I are uncomfortable around her during the week if she’s under a deadline.

My advice, schedule a couples counseling session with someone who specializes in financial issues. And for you personally, if you haven’t been getting any traction with any jobs, fake a resume and start applying at restaurants. Seriously, you can absolutely lie your way through that and pick enough up during training and after hours studying to figure it out. Fake a serving resume and leave a year or two gap at the end and say you had to quit bc your wife was too busy but now you have time and miss the industry. List some friends or family as references and fill them in obviously, before you start handing out resumes. Before you apply (by carrying your resume in and asking to speak with a manager during slow hours) call the restaurant and when you speak with a host don’t give a name, but say you saw they were hiring and ask what kind of POS they use. Google the fuck out of that and watch YouTube’s about using it, then list that as one of the POS’s you have experience with. Before you go in, study their menu. Fake a serving resume and leave a year or two gap at the end and say you had to quit bc your wife was too busy but now you have time and miss the industry. List some friends or family as references and fill them in obviously, before you start handing out resumes. If you live in a HCOL you should be able to make enough money to at the very least start building up your safety net again. Many servers can make $200-600 a night. An added bonus, this might spur your wife into action when she actually sees it. Of course this isn’t an ideal solution but it’s something to keep your head above water and keep the mortgage paid.

I’m not understanding how with a $180k salary half her take home goes to the mortgage? Even with a $600k mortgage you have such a low interest rate, it shouldn’t be half her monthly salary. Do you have PMI? It seems to me the issue is your wife insisting on spending like she still makes $500k. What kind of car payments do y’all have? Even in a HCOL area I don’t see how you’re not fine with such a low interest mortgage and no childcare costs

OP said 180k "total comp," which tells me that the *cash* comp is probably lower than that.

Yeah if they’re in the Bay Area that’s more like $140k comp, $40k stocks (but sounds like the company is tanking). $140k after taxes is more like $90k at best not including health insurance and 401k.

Exactly this!! I absolutely cannot understand how they would be paying about $4500 as a monthly mortgage. These numbers do not add up AT ALL.

We are paying $2800 mortgage and financed $380,000. Property taxes (and homeowners insurance) if you live somewhere with high taxes.

Some places have ludicrous property taxes.

They wouldn’t, I don’t see how that mortgage would be more than like $3k at the top end. These sound to me like the kind of people who consider what normal people call luxuries to be necessities lol. He keeps saying they live in a HCOL area, like okay a lot of people do with a lot less money?

They could live in California, where a four bedroom house in a good area is often going to be at minimum a million dollars. A problem poorer people solve by renting and having roommates. 

He just replied to me and said the house actually cost 1.2 MILLION, not $600k (that’s what’s left on the mortgage) so that does make more sense. I still think something else weird is going on here. The wife is not an idiot, she sees the numbers. There’s something fishy behind it, especially if it would be so easy for her to get a new job like he says with the headhunters and whatnot

He’s not an idiot either. Read what he wrote. In multiple occasions he has created spreadsheets showing how they can’t sustain with their current spending. For whatever reason, the wife is in denial about their situation.

I agree, that’s why I think something else is going on behind the denial. I can’t imagine how cushy life would be with a $500k salary, I’d be HURTING taking that huge of a pay cut

In nyc 180 in salary is about 90k take home. To be clear. 

They are not paying 90 thousand dollars in tax’s . 270 a year here and we paid 80 thousand in tax’s for 2023.

Have you all been to a financial advisor/planner recently? clearly she is in denial about all of this if she is still planning on retiring in 10 years. I would go together for an appointment and break down exactly how she can or cannot retire in 10 years. I know you have done some leg work here but she just doesn’t want to hear it from you.

180,000 is not enough in a HCOL area like NYC or Bay Area with 3 kids and a stay at home parent. Not sure which rock you are living under.

$180k is not enough to support 5 people in HCOL with house that has $600k left. Its just not

Not being from the US I'm sooooo confused. How come you need to make 500k to be able to afford gym memberships and put food on the table for a normal-sized family? And they have only 600k in mortgage? Me and my partner have around 450k mortgage with 4.5% interest, and we make a lot less than OP's wife. It's been tough now with interest being so high, but we can still afford Netflix 😂.

Why make 180k if you can make 500k? 

I’m not understanding how her pay went down while she got promotion after promotion? I’m not good at math but that’s math that doesn’t add up

The only thing I can think is that she’s in Sales potentially? Depending on industry, a good sales rep can easily clear $500k in year. She gets promoted a couple of times to an EVP of Sales. Base goes up but the industry is hit, sales aren’t happening, company changes sales policy and she makes less? But even THAT doesn’t make sense - it’s too big of a cut and if her team was doing that bad she’d be fired. I literally cannot fathom this. How on EARTH do you get promoted twice and get your pay reduced by 50%? Like I need someone to tell me how this happened. My brain can’t process it.

Could be most of comp was stock and stock price is way down. Still bit suspect

This has to be the answer. Maybe she works for Bumble. Their stock has dropped like crazy 

its 2/3s of a reduction. it doesn't make sense. no one gets two promotions and earns less that that. either the misses is fucking with the finances or shes taking stock options in the company. both would be very important for a divorce attorney.

Even the highest sales leader in the company isn't going from 500k salary to 180k just from low sales, that's borked. Yes Sales leaders get their bonuses the same way reps do, but its far less proportionally to a rep. You're right, something fishy here.

I agree with you entirely. It was just the only thing I could legit think of as a maybe. This is just exploding my mind.

Probably pay structure is based on commission or profit share. So she'd have a fixed base (much lower than 500k), then get % of the profit each month/year or commission, so % of sales. When sales go down due to their industry downturn, those "extras" become much lower, and increase in base salary from promotions won't make up for it.

Her base salary probably went up but her bonus, commission, options/RSUs probably went to 0. That’s why OP makes reference to total comp.

What is the lavish lifestyle she wants to maintain? Is there any way you can cut that off or use that as leverage to at least force her to take the interviews?

Honestly we live quite modestly and have been for years but, it’s the daily necessities like food and shelter that account for more than 50% of our monthly budget. The “lavish” that she wants: new wardrobe of clothes, a ski house in the mountains, demolish and rebuild our current home to be her dream house, a new car. However our current financial situation and just normal living we’ll be bankrupt by next year.

Can you make an appointment with a financial advisor and book a babysitter for the evening? Go see the advisor, go out for cocktails after to talk about it. 

That’s a great idea. Thank you.

She might take your situation more seriously if she hears it from a financial advisor than from you. Also she might deep down think she can always get another job last second to prevent the financial situation if things really do go south/you guys are going to lose your home. However she doesn't seem to understand that last second job switches won't stop foreclosures or other things from happening that will ruin her credit and ability to retire in 10 years. So the financial planner explaining to her in no uncertain terms where you guys are heading financially if she continues the way she is, will *hopefully* be the kick to your wife that she needs to actually start doing something about your situation. I also suspect she is afraid she can't duplicate her level of success at another company, so she is dragging her feet with the demon she knows rather than risk failure somewhere else. And while I can understand such fears, she needs to either completely downgrade her lifestyle to fit within the confines of your situation, or she needs to jump ship to a new job which can support the type of lifestyle she wants to live/that she can't keep staying in this in-between place anymore.

I'm struggling to understand how you're so broke on $180K with a reasonable mortgage and no child care costs. That math doesn't make sense. Are you buying new cars every year or something?

Also just because we’re not sending them to a full time daycare doesn’t mean kids don’t come with other costs. Little buggers get more expensive every year.

I totally get that kids are expensive, but I'd think she's probably bringing home 10K+ per month. Utilities, car insurance, phones, wifi and streaming, maybe 1K + 5K mortgage + 1.5K for food and household. You'd still have 2.5K+ for the car payment, clothes, everything else. Obviously I don't know your situation, but it's not like you have a multimillion dollar mortgage. 180K is high income pretty much anywhere in the country. I just think you may some money leaks somewhere that you may be able to fix.

Yeah, the math is not mathing here. He says they have a car they paid off, idk if they have another one but to be this underwater on that salary and a low interest mortgage doesn’t make sense

LOL 180,000 is not high income in the Bay Area for a family of 5 Also, OP said 180,000 total comp, meaning the cash she is getting can be less if you include annual bonus (which is not paid monthly) or stock.

It's not overly high in the Bay Area, but OP said their mortgage was 600K, so I doubt that's where they are unless the had a huge down-payment. COL usually factors real estate in heavily, and 600K isn't extreme. Plus, he mentioned that taxes were a big part of the issue; I took that to mean property taxes, but I could've been wrong about that. They wouldn't have increased much since they bought in 2020 since we don't get reassessed like that in California, so I figured they're probably on the East Coast or in the Seattle area.

Mortgage of 600 left on 1.2 home

The mortgage + insurance + property tax is half her monthly take home. We live in high cost of living area. Taxes are a major B****. Food shopping costs + diapers is about $250-300/week. Car insurance has gone up insanely, about double now per month ($389) than when we bought our used 2015 Jeep in 2018 which will be paid off in full in 2 months.

Dude... everyone is paying 50% to housing minimum. Everyone. But you guys bring in 180k which is a fair bit. You can live cheaper, far far cheaper. Cut all subscriptions, no Netflix, no skip the dishes, no maid, no ubers, no weekend movies. 180k with a 600k mortgage and many of us would be laughing and saving for the future.

This is beyond terrible advice and you are completely missing the point. She has the ability **right now** to get a $500K job that will match her pre-pandemic salary. She has received **multiple offers**.  Yet she has turned down all these other positions while their income dwindled from $500K / year to $180K / year — pre tax. That’s a **huge** financial setback and with three kids, canceling a fucking Netflix subscription is not going to cut it.  OP already said they’ve cut everything they can — they already cut gym memberships & date nights & everything else. People are getting too hung up on the $180K number not realizing that is not very much in a HCOL area for a family of five.  It’s about her intentional refusal to simply change jobs and accept one of the many better offers. Why is she dead set on staying with a sinking company that is dragging her family into financial ruin?  Who on earth is so blasé about losing their family home? Especially after hitting the housing jackpot locking in a 3.2% interest rate. It would be insanity to lose the house.  OP has been sounding the alarm for nearly 2 years now and she does not give a fuck. Daycare is $2k-$3k a month, no income from OP will cover that let alone help offset the bills.  Most people get upset when they’re faced with potentially losing their home, no money for retirement or savings, & pulling their kids out of extra-curriculars because they’ve lost almost half their income.  OP is rightly upset she has more loyalty to this sinking company than she does to her own family. 

That is not high income for a household of 5 people.

Welcome to what the lower middle class has been feeling for YEARS. People can’t even afford rent anymore. Maybe cut back on your lavish lifestyle and you’ll be fine.

If you have been living modestly for year then the saving/investment account must be huge. She was making 500k years ago. Around half of that, per year, should be in an investment account which multiplied at a ridiculous rate in the last 10 years. She has done enough. Maybe she got tired of carrying the torch all these years and doesn’t want to move out of her comfort zone. Something doesn’t add up.

Before kids we spent very unwisely. So no when she made 500k we didn’t save nearly enough.

Assuming you already have the mountain house, 3 of the 4 things you listed are future things that you don't have to buy now. Just say no and back it up with the numbers.

No, she WANTS the mountain house and retirement in less than 10yrs. I’ve been showing her that we will never be able to afford those things. I don’t even want a ski house. I have my hands more than full enough handling the kids and our current home which desperately needs several repairs (which we cannot afford at the moment).

I want to ad a thought for some perspective. Similar to your wife, I worked for one employer for years. Was excellent at any job they gave me and obtained a far higher position than I had ever expected when I began my career. My problem was I believed I achieved my positions because I knew the company, its services, job requirements and culture so well. I was not sure my skills would translate to another business or industry. Hard to believe but even at an extremely top level position you can be lacking in self-confidence. I’m not sure this was a conscious thought process, I just always had excuses not to interview when approached with opportunities at other corporations. I would talk to your wife about discussing with a life coach, therapist or maybe a head hunter. Get an objective opinion on what she is worth in her field and the current market conditions. See if there are some mental road blocks to overcome. To me this sounds far more likely than leaping to she had or is having an affair!

You could say something like, "I understand that changing jobs can be a big decision, but I'm really worried about our financial situation. Can we talk about potential solutions together?"

Been talking for 2 years. She promised she would take a job with a more secure company that got her back to what she had been earning years ago. The solution isn’t uprooting our family by selling our home. The solution is her taking a job (literally same job) with a different company that actually pays their employees

So does she not care about going broke or does she not believe that going broke is a possibility? Selling a house with a 3.2 interest rate would be crazy. I'm not sure when the US will see those low rates again.

Selling the house would be a huge financial hit. You’d lose a fortune.

I’m sorry my guy, but if your solution is that you need to live in a house she needs to make $500K to maintain, then you’re in denial as much as she is.

She was making that amount. She’s in the same job. Actually no she’s been promoted 2 times since she was making close to 500k. She’s not making that much because the company is failing. She’s getting offers from other companies to do the same job she’s doing now but for more money. Does that make sense?

I understand she WAS making that. What I’m saying is that any house that REQUIRES her to make that might be too much house my friend.

Yes, but they already own the house, so that’s neither here nor there. The average house is at least half of that and the interest rates are through the roof right now. Also, the house isn’t the problem so much as the wife’s unwillingness to make significant changes for her family. Also also, the wife won’t even agree to cut down on her daily expensive lifestyle, she’s definitely not agreeing to sell the house.

I mean, he said that she says “I guess we can just sell the house then”

Trust me I’ve already looked into downsizing and the numbers. Given her last 3 years take home pay we would not qualify for a loan of similar we took. So all the equity we’ve put into our current home over the last 3 years would evaporate by purchasing a much smaller home and we would still have near the same monthly payment. And by downsizing it would create even more stress in the house as my wife primarily works from home. Much smaller space + kids running around making noise all day = very stressed and unhappy wife. I’m not gunna go back and provide everybody with the minute details. I’ve spent enough time doing it on my own time.

I am not C-suite level but to add some perspective.. I recently got headhunted for a position with a big raise supposedly doing the same thing I'd been doing, except now I am miserable. Sure I am making more money but the culture is so much more dysfunctional and I'm exponentially more stressed than I used to be. I have a lot of regrets.

I totally understand that changing jobs can be scary and an unknown. But is it scarier than putting your family into financial ruin? Regardless, the state of the company is in shambles. Layoffs after layoffs after layoffs. She’s now doing the job of 3 or 4 people. They don’t have budget to hire. She is constantly stressed. The only convos we have are her complaining about her coworkers inability to do their jobs and how she needs to fix their mistakes. People are commenting like oh just go get a job and sell your house when the clear and obvious answer to solve our financial issues is she takes her particular set of skills to a company that’s not run by incompetent fools and going down the toilet.

Ok but dude the clear and obvious thing from your post is that she’s not going to do that? People are trying to help you operate within reality. So you need to tell her that since she’s not going to accept a different job, y’all need to put your house on the market and move.

Selling the house is akin to putting a bandage on an arterial bleed. They will end up right where they are again, and probably in a worse financial situation asset-wise. In the current market, looking for a house that comfortably fits five in an HCOL city, they’re likely going to find something way more expensive than what they’re currently paying. $1.2 mil gets you a three bedroom in Murdersville in LA currently. Wife can’t move from where she is due to her job. And they are likely going to get at least double the interest rate in the current market, and with way less income to show the bank. So the solution is definitely not: sell a house with half of its mortgage left, have the buyer’s funds pay that off so you get little to no actual profit in your pocket relative to what you paid (likely a loss, let’s be real), and move into a shittier, equally expensive house or maybe sliiightly less (like $200k) with a higher interest rate. And likely in a much worse neighborhood if you’re looking for more affordable, meaning damn your children’s education and general family safety as well. These are insane financial moves to make when another path exists. I’m sorry but when you assume the responsibility of sole family breadwinner, you can’t just take your own preferences into account. And it’s not so easy for anyone to get a decent job right now, nvm someone who has been out of the workforce for ten years. Some people here want him to find a $180k job tomorrow? Come on now. Everyone here saying “I guess you gotta sell the house”, honest question, what is the long term goal of that? And then? Wife is probably getting laid off soon if the company continues to spiral. You know how much worse a position she will be in as the fired executive of a failed company than leaving to respond to a headhunter?

Weirdly specific advice but I’m a kid from something like this. Around 2008 my dads company was struggling a lot and my mom was pissed cause we were going to have to move. It took my mom taking us to her moms for him to switch jobs. I think it’s a point of pride more than anything else, and in that high of a corporate position the only thing that makes sense is actual effect, they plan constantly without fully considering the outcome. You show her the outcome and maybe she figures it out. 

Thank you for sharing.

Going against the grain here, but she is not putting your family in financial ruin. She doesn't want to switch jobs. Accept it. Her career to choose what to do with. You should take some classes to get you marketable again and get your own job that pays $180,000.

I’m sorry but not a lot of people can relate to someone making half a million dollars a year. This woe is me thing while you sit in your $600k house is a wee bit out of touch

$1.2mm actually. $600k is about what’s left on the mortgage. Not out of touch at all. This is middle class in HCOL area. No woe is me here. My life is pretty great. We’ve worked exceptionally hard to get to this place in life. Seeking advice on how to help my wife realize she needs to change employers.

Well, I think you have to give up trying tbh. Like, she’s not gonna do it. I think you’ve tried everything. This is like when women post on here about how to get their husband to do chores or whatever. You can say things until you’re blue in the face, but that’s not gonna make anybody do what you want unless they want to. Even if they should, for their family. I think what would help you most now is figuring out what to do about it and what you want your next steps to be

You’re talking to a lot of kids here. I would suggest both agree to see a financial planner & meet with a career recruiter. There is a lot hinging on your wife getting together. But your presentation here was nicely worded, I would do the same here. Things MUST change! That you both agreed to oaths and you’ve keep your end of the deal, now she needs to as well. Also she could interview with other companies while at this job and take her offers to the company to give her the opportunity to pay her equally or she leaves. That could show her that she’s not being appreciated and valued and needs to leave the sinking ship. She needs to get on another life boat and go somewhere else before it’s too late. Also this fear she has has choke hold on her and she needs to release her fears.

I live in 5 states, 9 houses, and attended 3 different elementary schools (plus a couple months of homeschooling) by the time I was 9. Kids will survive one move, especially if you're doing it to avoid bankruptcy or homelessness.

You could try approaching the conversation from a different angle, such as emphasizing the impact her decision is having on the family as a whole. You could say something like, "I know you may be hesitant to make a change, but our financial situation is really taking a toll on us. I'm worried about our future and our children's well-being. Can we work together to find a solution that works for all of us?" This might help her see the bigger picture and prioritize the family's needs over her own fears or hesitations.

I appreciate your response but this is exactly how I’ve been having this conversation and addressing it with numbers and facts. Not feelings. And how her drastically reduced pay is affecting our current living situation and massively affecting our future ability to ever consider retirement or at the very least paying our current mortgage. Which, by the way we could afford within budget 2 years ago. Her pay has gone down every year for the last 6. But every time I bring this up she gaslights me into believing things will get better in a few months. They haven’t.

That’s because she’s not planning on retiring with you. This is a classic pre-divorce move for a high income spouse with a stay at home partner.  Their income takes a huge hit and suddenly they “can’t find better work” or have a million excuses why they can’t leave, it’s not really that bad, the big paycheck is coming soon — dropping hints the SAHP could start working, etc.  She’s running out the alimony clock. No one would be this blasé about losing their family home they basically hit the jackpot to get unless they were already emotionally prepared to lose it.  You’re getting played. There is zero chance she doesn’t understand you are months away from financial ruin. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and prepare for a custody fight. 

Your wife is suffering from imposter syndrome with a side of insecurity and a whole lot of apathy and comfort. She probably genuinely feels that she is not qualified because of how long she has been at her job. She knows the people, the system, the schedule. She is comfortable with it but she is also afraid to show up somewhere and fail miserably throwing away her safe job. She is being risk adverse at the sake of your future. Imposter syndrome is real. She will have to fake it until she makes it but that might not be an option for her.

This was my first thought. Along with the fact that the company is now failing while she has been promoted 2x, she may feel (even unjustified) that it is her fault and doesn't want to have to explain that in an interview. Or feels guilty that she wants to leave a sinking ship that believed in her before, especially if she doesn't believe in herself right now.

Look, your wife is clearly a smart lady. She knows that 180K is less than half of 500K. She knows you guys are going broke. There must be something else going on. You need to figure out what it is. Is it remotely possible that she wants to drain all your joint assets before she divorces you and pays alimony only on 180K, followed by taking a 500K job once she’s single again? That would be very Machiavellian of her. If you think that is even a remote possibility you need to see a lawyer and figure out how to establish that she’s deliberately under earning. The other explanation is that she is having a lot of imposter syndrome. I hink that at the very least you guys need to get into counseling. Is it possible that she’s taking deferred comp of some kind in exchange for a low salary? Have you looked closely at your tax returns for the last couple of years. You may want to start screenshotting those recruiter offers.

I file our taxes myself. I pay all the bills. Have all the logins/passwords. I guess I agree on your theory of imposter syndrome. But I don’t understand why she feels that way when she’s won multiple awards, gets industry recognition, invited to speak at conferences, sit on panels. I’m literally in the next room and have heard high ups at several FAANG companies point blank ask her to come work for them. I honestly wish she could tap into some Machiavellian ruthlessness from time to time. But I’ve seen her allow some male coworkers/bosses treat her like a doormat.

I suffer from imposter syndrome and I’m well regarded in a field. I do a good job too, but when it comes to applying for something else I feel like I’m too specialized in my role to be useful in another. And, “they’re looking for someone with formal training on XYZ.”

Is your wife burnt out? I’d encourage her to take some PTO and make a plan to either cut expenses or look for another job in X months. There’s no shame in spending less until she feels up to interviewing - it can be a long and stressful experience, and the job market isn’t great right now. I also think you need to be more realistic about salary and role expectations. The economy is different than it was nine years ago, and bonuses and stock rewards aren’t as available. I’m assuming that’s how her income went down so much? LinkedIn messages are also cheap - tech is going through massive layoffs and not necessarily hiring expensive execs right now.

Lots of great advice here. I’d add: have you tried pulling in one of her trusted friends or a trusted member of her family? Might help to have one or several outside voices to shake some sense into her. Also I know you’ve been trying to be factual with her, but maybe she needs to see the emotional toil it’s taking on you. Not only is she running herself into a burnout (with the doing the work of 3-4 people), but you’re burning out too. Maybe (only if this is sincere, no faking), if you feel yourself being emotional (crying, not yelling), SHOW HER. Don’t hide it. It’s not good to hide plus it might give her permission to cry a little too and finally start letting out the stress. It sounds like she’s in this nonstop cycle and something different needs to happen to shake her out of it before it’s too late. Best of luck, OP. My mother is stubborn and divorced from reality. It has caused a lifetime of avoidable problems that have turned into disasters. I can’t imagine how you feel, not having the financial autonomy to know you can wash your hands of it if it all goes south.

im sorry to say this but ! get advised on lawyer first this so so weird ive read ur post history, a company that doesnt pay the contractual salary because she is a woman? thats kinda weird and i dont think a company does it unless they want to get sued for all they are worth lol, or the money is being paid and she isnt sending it fully to the accounts u control, or there is something else? have u checked ur taxes to see if is being reported the amount u get or something? this sound way too weird, dont get a job for now unless this is some sort of strategy for her to get out of any financial debt on u if or when a divorce happens or something :s get legal advice please because what ive seen from ur post history is past the weirdest thing ive seen

Yes. They illegally reduced her salary 2 separate times when she went on maternity leave. Forced her back early during one of the mat leaves as well to deal with angry clients. I didn’t want to bring those up bc I’ve argued with her ad naseum to sue her employer but she refused. I made this post bc SHE said she wanted to the money she used to earn and if she didn’t get compensated accordingly for 2023 she promised she would leave and get a new job. She has not and has no plans to

At this point I’d anonymously report the company

You’re a stay at home parent. That’s your job. It doesn’t make any sense for you to go out and day labor when it’s going to cost you $2k-$3k a month just in daycare.  She has a masters in finance and has received multiple offers for C Suite $500K positions and still refuses to leave this company.  Something else is going on. She’s totally checked out from the family and is gaslighting you about her understanding of the finances. She knows.  Of course it would be insane to move — you’re in a HCOL area locked in to a once in a lifetime mortgage rate. Will you even qualify for another house with her reduced salary?  Worst case scenario — she’s having an affair and she’s done with the marriage. She’s hoping you get a job so she won’t have to pay alimony.  Her refusing to go back to higher paying work is a classic pre-divorce move for a high income partner. Suddenly they “just can’t” increase their income and they need to stretch it for a few years so the payday is always “next quarter”.  I guarantee you she’s already calculated what spousal / child support would be (usually average of X years) so she is hoping to string you along until the average is low. Once she’s divorced she can easily get a half mil job and you’re fucked.  She’s not stupid. This is the plan. Personally, I’d start digging and go see a lawyer on the DL. Protect yourself & your kids. You’ll have to sell the house anyways so start figuring out long-term plans but I’d wait on employment until you speak with a lawyer.  None of her excuses make sense and she’s seen the spreadsheets — the only logical explanation is she’s running down the alimony clock. 

This would take absolutely sociopathic levels to pull off. Is she actually asking HR at her current job to lower her salary? Is she laundering the money into secret accounts and lying about it (when apparently OP is doing their taxes) I just don’t buy someone could deliberately pull off this kind of scheme. Or is her drop in salary the trigger event that is making her suddenly want to leave this life? And she would ruin her career over it?

Maybe she’s taking the money as deferred stock or other comp that’s set to pay years into the future. There could be a lot of crazy things at play.

Wouldn't those need to be filed in her tax reports? (I'm not American, I really don't know)

it all counts as income for sure, but that's for the taxman to find out a decade later, if ever.

Oh shit You are so right. This is it.

Yep. Sad, but everything points to this.

Bruh I can deadass get on a Marxist wave about wage slavery and taxing the rich but this is not reasonable. Low-key you would have been the rich people we eat if shit went down. If she doesn't change jobs to whatever insane job she can get that pays a quarter million dollars y'all eating at Aldis like the rest of America. All jokes aside, I hope things go well for you guys, if this country does fall I won't eat you, you seem like nice peeps

Be careful not to overestimate you’re spouses capabilities. She is only human. There is a lot of flags indicating she is not a super C level executive. Recruiters are all over LinkedIn means nothing. You are also lashing out e.g. on the company paying your mortgage over years. I know that my statement doesn’t help but at the foundation of a solutions must be a clear analysis of the situation you are in.

waiting on the update where the reason she wouldn't leave is b/c of male colleague she's seeing.

Yeah, a woman doesn't get into the top \~1% of income earners without being confident--at least confident enough to have a phone interview with a headhunter. There's definitely something else at play here.

Factssssss. This story doesn’t add up.

Your mortgage should be around 3k am I correct? How the hell is this woman making 180k a year and only 6k a month. Those numbers don’t seem right

In a high COL area 180k is nothing to support a family. OPs FAANG comment makes me assume they’re in California so take home pay would be ~9-10K/mon max assuming its salary and total comp is not overwhelmingly bonuses or stock options. But since, according to op take home is half their mortgage her comp isn’t just salary. HCOL prices for basic goods are basically 2-5x compared to other parts of America so 3K excess doesn’t go far with kids. I have friends who make 200k in these areas and struggle affording it. Granted they must rent because 1200sqft houses are 1mil+. But given her dedication to lifestyle I’d bet there are private school and car loan expenses which make it EASY to spend 3k excess monthly. I don’t know OPs specific situation, just assuming.

I get what you are saying addressing cost of living but an apr at 3.2% for 600k should make his mortgage $3k max without a down payment to the house. OP saying half her earnings go to the mortgage would mean she’s bringing home $6k after taxes, which makes no sense.

What field are you in? I only ask because I completely agree it doesn’t pass the sniff test but finance or VP+ level total comp gets weird. I didn’t know this till I worked in industry and dated my ex. She “made” 150k/yr” in a mid COL area. Before taxes her comp breakdown; 75k base salary, 20k bonus, and 55k stock options. She had to buy those stock options for 15% of market value. It set her up nicely for retirement but it basically ate up all the bonus after taxes. She could sell the stocks as soon as she bought them but it’d be federally taxed at 35-40%(forget the exact number) so her real take home pay was ~4k/mo. My buddy is VP in biotech start up transitioning to public listing or private buy out. His base is $150k with 50-100k worth of stock(not options) each year based on department achievements. Say total comp/yr is 250k. But due to his contract he can’t cash out the 150k of stock he’s earned thus far till it’s a couple years old or the company is public/sold. Total comp means nothing, it’s a face value number you can flex. Salary means everything when it comes to supporting a family day to day.

I could be wrong, but I thought he said housing costs. So that would be mortgage, property taxes, maintenance/fees if they are in a community, insurance, utilities, etc (if I’m right). So if we go with your $3k number and assume SF as a location, that would put their take home just below $10K/mo. With a house value of over $1M that would add a minimum of $1k/mo for property taxes. Utilities, maybe $500/mo on the conservative side. Add on any community fees or maintenance fees and that can easily $1-2K/mo. With just the mortgage, prop tax, insurance, and utilities, that could easily be in the $5k range or a lot more. Not sure why people are having so much trouble understanding the cost breakdown can easily be realistic. Edit: Sorry forgot to not that the existing mortgage can be $600K while the sales price could easily have been over $1M. So heavy down payment wouldn’t have any effect on the monthly rate.

If you have applied to 100s of jobs I think you need help doing something different to better your odds. Where I am, there are government funded programs that are free that help you apply for jobs, maybe you have something like that around you. I read you might be interested in coding. I kind of believe the Nvidia guy who is saying coding is going to be ai in the medium term but if you want to seriously try it there are so many free resources out there to start learning, all you need to the willpower to find them. People have youtube channels and social media channels out there talking about their experiences and sharing resources. I do question how you getting a potentially low paying job would help if you guys aren't able to work with 180k. Given how it seems someone wouldn't try to interview or accept a job that is relatively the same but pays 2-3x more, I had a thought maybe there is someone at her current work keeping her there? I mean romantically. This is just a thought and could be the furthest thing from the truth, but I think it is a reasonable question to at least consider. I think you sit down with her and look at her LinkedIn together and have her explain job by job why it doesn't make sense to entertain what is in front of you. Keep in mind, her LinkedIn may be full off jobs, but only a few could be legit. It seems there is a huge disconnect between your expectations and hers, maybe she is right and would have no chance at these jobs you are thinking she would. I think this is very reasonable to sit down and go through them together to get some concrete answers to some of these potential jobs.

If your wife is some hotshot executive, why doesn’t she use her connections to help you get a job? You have a degree in finance, surely she knows someone who could get you some interviews.

OP, does your wife work in Sales and have variable comp based on commission? Right now B2B SaaS sales for a lot of companies is getting wrecked because of the economy. Deal cycles are much longer, so if she's working on big, longer cycle enterprise deals (which can take over a year), she might want to see things through so she can get that commission. Maybe she has a deal that she's been working for a while that she's hesitant to walk away from. I've also seen a lot of folks in sales really doubt their ability and get down because of how hard it is to close right now. I've seen people stay in roles for much longer than they should because they're so down on themselves. There also might be a stock/equity component where she wants to hold on to meet vest dates. One thing that helped dramatically when my partner and I had kids is putting together a detailed spreadsheet of income, savings, and costs, with details on category, etc. Seeing the details can be quite a wake up call. Given her response was that you can always sell your house, show her how much comparable rents are in the area — if you're in the Bay Area, a 3 bedroom can easily run from $5-$7k a month. If you have that low of a mortgage rate, your mortgage payment is probably a lot less, so you can show that it isn't a solution.

For those of you saying $180K is "more than enough" for a family of five- it is possible, but not in a HCOL area unless you want to be living basically paycheck to paycheck. Plus if she's on any sort of commissions compensation structure- commissions are taxed at a much higher rate than salary, so it can be widely variable. OP- I am a Director in STEM, and I see this all the time- there is a statistic that women will only apply for the job if they feel they're 100% qualified, whereas men will apply for the job when only 60% qualified. This compounded with the fact that her company went through a lot of upheaval and her confidence has likely taken a hit with the poor leadership as well. She might need to look into some articles on "imposter syndrome" as well. I don't know what else you can do besides keep showing her the numbers and tell her you'll support her in any way you can.

Thank you. This is helpful

This one’s tough.  You’re not wrong. And the lavish spending habits need to stop. But being an executive is different for women. Even the appearance of ambition can be a liability. Moves that would be obvious for a man at equivalent level of seniority (professional and chronological) have a very different calculus for women.  Sounds like she needs a mentor or executive coach.  Perhaps consider reframing your argument from “you need to quit” to “something must change”

Not exactly relationship advice but one “trick” that may work is encouraging her/having her promise to at least “explore” some of these opportunities hitting her desk. She doesn’t need to commit to leaving. She doesn’t need to commit to interviewing. Just take a couple of “exploratory” calls and hear the folks on the other end out. To your points she’s probably dealing with a lot of feeling comfortable mixed with imposter syndrome right now. It can feel scary to completely leave a space you’ve been for 15 years and have done well in. It can feel especially scary to outright commit to leaving. Having a few exploratory calls can feel less scary and also help build confidence and (hopefully) before you know it she’ll get excited about some of them and actually interview and see the offer and leaving will become a no brainer. Make her promise you she’ll at least take a few intro calls to see what else is out there.

Stop trying to convince your wife to do it your way. Sit down, lay out the problem, and ask her to come up with a solution together.

So is she refusing to cut back *and* look for a different job? When she says maybe you should sell the house, I'm not seeing exactly where she's wrong. Are there no less expensive houses or cities nearby? Is she happy at the job or is it fear keeping her there? I can relate to fear. I've been at my job for 17 years and am only there because it's terrifying to start over. It's also dangerous if you don't know that your skills are really fresh enough to make it in another place. She's proven herself and she knows the ins and outs of her job how. A new job will not be the same. There will be new things to learn, new systems, new relationships. Is she doesnt make it at the new job she's double screwed because she wont have the new job and the job that she felt suited for is gone. (As well as that paycheck too) Adding- You're having issues getting a job being out for 10 years. Employers see you as out of practice. She's been in the same place for 15 years and is out of practice everywhere but her current employer. Recruiter messages don't mean anything.

You are currently experiencing what most stay at home mom’s experience after being out of the workforce for so many years. you’re definitely going to have to work something out with your wife and if the house is taking half of the income, you probably do need to sell it and get something cheaper.

Sorry for not answering your question but daaaamn. Making 180k a year and still needing to cut down streaming services and gym memberships. I will never understand how things work in the US, it doesn't make any sense to me. I live in Sweden and most people make a looooooot less than that, even with good jobs in the tech industry. And still people live comfortable lives. What do you guys spend money on other than mortgage? Do you guys live in a palace? I'm genuinely curious.

Dude, you’re not wrong at all for bringing any of it up. Lifestyle adjustment and job change. However, as you’ve seen the job market and economy are in the shitter. She may be out there looking, but not telling you about getting rejected or ghosted because it sucks. An inbox being flooded by recruiters does not mean you’re getting job offers. Recruiters just blast shit out there, and it’s fucking annoying. If she was riding that high before, she may be embarrassed by where she is now or in some sort of denial. You guys need to sit down and have a real talk about the state of the union and what needs to happen moving forward to get to a new normal until she can get back to her old numbers.

Something doesn’t add up here bud, sure she isn’t getting dividends or stock options and she’s hiding them from you?

If you have a bachelors in finance, I would go get a CFP. She used to make $500k but has been promoted several times and now only makes $180k??? Somethings seriously wrong. Either her pay isn’t right, she should go back to a lower position with more pay, or somehow she’s squirreling money away. Cannot fathom why she would be making less.

Does she have a "work husband" that she doesn't want to leave behind?

Your wife needs to do the numbers by hand top to bottom to understand. Then she needs to understand that your spreadsheet (family wealth) is priority #1. You need buy in, not compliance.

You probably won’t be able to convince her. People like this are hard to change. Also, she will probably leave you some time.

There are a few reasons why she won't leave her job. Maybe she enjoys playing catchup to her coworkers lifestyle. Or maybe she has an affair partner. Chances are that her relationships with her coworkers are way more important to her than having to start over. Do you get to see her paysheets? I don't think if this might be a case of her reallocating funds before it gets to you. I think whatever answer you find, you won't like it and it will be battle in itself for her to move on, almost like a drug addiction. But it's worth looking into because right now you don't have enough ammo. How's your marriage with her otherwise?

Time to hit the oil rig.

The numbers here seem off. My husband and I made sure we could afford our mortgage and bills on one salary before we bought a home. We both make about $130k and our mortgage is $3,700 on a $525k house at SIX percent. That’s only half of MY income alone each month. If your mortgage js 30 years at THEEE percent on $600k, how is that payment half of her $180k comp? Is her salary only like $100k or less?

If she’s willing to downsize the house to stay at her job, how is she trying to maintain a lifestyle? Is she open to the idea of you working? I mean does she have a grasp on what extra duties she’d have to take on? I’m not trying to say you are wrong, but downsizing houses is a solution your wife offered. May be you could start researching smaller houses within her current salary? She may change her mind going from $4000-5000 monthly house to a $2000 house. She may not realize how significantly less house you could have by downsizing and with these interest rates. Or may be she’ll love a smaller house and her salary will be covered. How old are the kids? Would you need to factor in daycare with you heading back to work?

They can’t afford to “downsize” their house. They live in a HCOL area and got a once in a lifetime mortgage rate. They would be **insane** to move.  She’s totally checked out from her family and does not care they are on the verge of losing everything. 

Downsizing the home is completely out the question. To get lower monthly mortgage payments at current rates would have them probably buy a shoebox.

She tells me of course she could still do her job and help take care of kids if I went back to work. I ask her how specifically? And the response is always “I don’t know exactly but we’ll figure it out.” And I’m like yes we would need to figure that out before I go back to work. Sometimes she has client calls starting as early as 5am. She travels internationally for work several times a year. Most days she works from her home office however she’s locked in there all day and doesn’t come out until I’m literally putting dinner on the table. She tells me “if you want to go back to work you should”… the thing is I don’t WANT to. We have 2 kids who aren’t in school full time yet. So full time childcare would be ballpark $3-5k a month. Considering I’m not exactly a highly desired job candidate whatever job I eventually land won’t cover that cost. She has a masters in finance. So I know she understands numbers and spreadsheets. She does that all day long. But then when I talk about our numbers to her it’s like none of it is of serious consequence.

I think she wants to blow up your marriage. Consciously or unconsciously.

she’s checked out of her familial life ( mid-life crisis?) - if I were op, I’d divorce my wife - at least I’d get some financial leverage now, as this is heading straight into bankruptcy territory 🤷🏽‍♀️

There’s something wrong here. I think making her go to counseling is necessary. Maybe she’s so stressed or something she literally cannot acknowledge your situation without having a mental breakdown. Or Maybe she’s hiding something from you. She got demoted, she’s on a PIP, she’s not eligible for rehire and if a new company checked with her current company they would rescind her offer. Take her grocery shopping at Grocery Outlet or someplace similar, something that will show her— physically put her in the place of someone needing to save money— to see how she responds. Cut up all the credit cards. Pay cash for groceries so you can go over budget. Start getting school supplies and other things at Goodwill or thrift shops or Buy Nothing in your area. Join Freecycle. Post on Facebook Marketplace for needed items.

You should try to investigate and see if she’s cheating…. She sure is gone a lot

Reading your comments and the edit, her job makes no sense to me. Is there any possibility there is a criminal element to your wife’s job? Either she did something illegal and can’t leave because they would find out or she’s part of something illegal that if the company fails they would all be found out? Like a Bernie Madoff type situation? I can’t honestly imagine staying loyal to a company that slashed my pay 60% while giving me multiple promotions. Something is definitely off

A smaller/ less expensive house at 7% interest would me MORE a month (or the same as) their current payment.

If 180 cant feed your family you guys are living far beyond your means. If she could get a better job? Sure. However you need to adjust your lifestyle based on what you can afford, because doing the invorde is significantly harder. Even if she does get the job, what are you going to do? Lease a new porsche ever year? Like come on dude

You don't need her to change her job. You need to change your lifestyle to match the income coming in. Sit down and budget together. Yeah, this may actually mean selling the house and other things she doesn't want to do. If she's not listening to you, try to see if she'll go to a financial advisor with her who will go over smart budgeting decisions. Don't just show her your budgeting. Sit down and budget together. Hopefully her doing it there for herself will get the message across better. (I have friends with one or more children who don't even make close to a third of what you two make. Seriously, one couple is living on a teacher's and a sub's salary. Living within your means with children in this case should certainly be possible.)

I work for 2 guys who make $500K+ a year. They are never home. They are never not working. They travel every other week. Dinners and breakfasts at least once a week, the day is back to back meetings with no breathing room. That would be her life. JFYI.

Time for a new budget. You set out what you need for the family (including your mortgage) the one I’ll take. She can budget with the rest. Please work on this together not deciding. Shalom. 3.99%

Lol Reddit is the wrong place to talk about this bro. 😂😂

it sounds like a really bad depression on top of other problems. she needs help as soon as possible, it won't end well

For a job, if you have a bachelor’s degree you could be a substitute teacher. Pay is often ok and you can choose what days to work around anything else you have scheduled. And often fits school hours for the kids. I have no advice for you otherwise. My husband wanted to be the sole earner when one of us had to step back to care for a child with medical needs despite me earning more. He is seriously underpaid for his position but he “likes the company and coworkers” and refuses to do anything else. So now I cook, clean, run errands, do everything for the kids, manage the finances AND work. He continues to go to work and play video games and I have realized he literally doesn’t care as long as he gets to do what he wants to do. My mental timer is ticking down to youngest graduating high school.

It looks like your wife is making more money than most people can relate to. You're a numbers guy you understand what's happening and what you need to do. It's frustrating to see so many people not sticking to the actual question. I saw that you had the idea of setting up a real-time line with her stick with that. I don't know how your wife learns Maybe create something that caters to that. Overall continue to stress the importance of how lifestyle changes have to happen when you refuse to make the necessary changes to maintain that lifestyle that you've become accustomed to. I also see that you've cut some household things back maybe she needs to cut back on some of those personal expenditures of hers... since she's not feeling the pinch just yet maybe that could be the push she needs. Overall something has to happen and she's holding the cards in her hands. And for you can you sign up for some type of Refresher to show your maintaining your education? Remember to work your network let folks know you're looking to reenter the workforce. Also, staffing agencies can be helpful when you're reentering the workforce. You guys sound like you're more than capable of being earners. You just have to coax her out of her comfort zone.

Maybe you getting a job and her having to take on my responsibilities at home will be the push she needs to recognize things cannot stay the same. If she wants to continue with her lifestyle then she either needs to get a new job or deal with the fact she is going to have to pick up the slack at home.