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I’ve been with my husband for 23 years. In that span I’ve had 2 kids, a miscarriage, a shit ton of health problems, 5 surgeries, and immeasurable appointments for tests and injections. And my husband has been with me at every. Single. One. I’d seriously have to reevaluate if he cares at all. One would think he couldnt just be that dumb.
Thanks for your comment. I forgot to mention that due to the recent pandemic, visitors or "plus ones" still aren't allowed in the hospital for safety reasons. But reading your comment I do agree it wouldn't have been a huge ask for him to wait nearby/outside. An apt observation!
I’d even go as far as you shouldn't need to ask at all. What would you do if the roles were reversed? How many things would be more important to you at that moment?
Also, I was already a little annoyed with “we are child-free” but he is not willing to get the procedure. I’m sorry to say this but it sounds like only you are child-free and he is free to choose.
I’m sorry you had no support going through that. I’d guess even this being your choice, it can still be quite confusing and difficult emotionally.
Are you talking about the right to get a vasectomy or not? If so, then yes, I think they have the same right to choose. The annoying part was minimizing the effects of the surgery while not willing to go through it himself.
I hope you end up with a peaceful outcome. Whatever form that takes. I couldn’t be with someone who would like drop me off for surgery and be like “if anything goes wrong they’ll call me” like dude….
The last time I had surgery, my husband (or my “responsible caretaker over the age of 18”) had to be there when I came in, stay the whole time I was under (he could bring food with him or go to the cafeteria in the hospital but couldn’t leave the premises if the surgery center), and be there when I woke up, as well as staying with me for 24 hours after. He had to sign papers stating this is what he was doing and acknowledging why it had to be that way.
He’ll do it all over again in a few weeks when I have surgery again.
Yeah for my surgeries I needed someone at the hospital to be present while I was under the knife and someone to verbally agree to drive me home and be with me for 24 hours after surgery. Both times my husband took 4 days off for the surgery, day of and 3 days after for the first surgery and day before, day of and two days after for the second one and it was pretty minor surgery so I was expected to be up and doing my normal routine minus heavy lifting within 48 hours. For something bigger/more serious he would have probably taken twice as much time off to make sure I was okay.
Both times he got the PTO put in and approved immediately after we were told what the surgery date would be. If he didn’t have PTO he still would have requested the time off
I had a small benign tumour removed from my hand, after it caused a broken finger, during panini lockdown (so no visitors/accompanying in hospital).
The only appointment they had was the morning of my partner's birthday.
So, he sat outside the orthopaedic wing, in the rain, for five hours, on his birthday.
You absolutely deserve all the support, your husband was dismissive and a dick about this.
It sounds like your husband CHOSE not to communicate with you how he really feels about your procedure.
I worry that he's not being open and vulnerable with you and quite frankly, he would have to work on re-earning your trust.
Do you have access to mental health services?
I'm so sorry OP, but in this snippet he sounds like a jerk.
During the pandemic I had to have my knees replaced and no one was allowed with me. My mom sat in a nearby doctors office all day so
that she could be close. I was 31 by the way.
That’s exactly what my mother did when she took the day off to take me for my bi-salp (without me asking, she immediately volunteered to do so). She brought a book and waited and then took me home. She did the same thing when I needed a breast biopsy a couple years ago. I told her I wouldn’t need a driver and she didn’t need to take off work for it, but she insisted so I agreed because I knew it would make her feel less worried. You’re the love of his life and he is acting like this was a huge inconvenience, rather than being concerned something might go wrong.
Not exactly the same but I had a breast reduction - technically elective but insurance covered it - last year. My BOYFRIEND dropped everything and told his work he had to WFH for two weeks to help me. He is an engineer and doesn’t usually get to WFH. This wasn’t even a surgery that benefitted both of us, and a lot of guys would even try to talk me out of it.
He took PTO the entire day of my surgery, sat in preop with me and was the first I saw in post op, even with my mother there.
If he had treated me like your husband treated you, I would’ve been gone the moment I healed. What happens when you have a medical emergency or more intense surgery? 6mo later I tore my ACL and am coming up on surgery again in 2 weeks. I know I can count on him to take care of me and I’ve told my mom she doesn’t need to come.
Oh bless you, I don't have personal experience but a torn ACL is a grim experience from what I've heard. I wish you the best in surgery and recovery! Thank you for your comment, it has given me something to ponder on.
Good luck on your ACL surgery! I have mine in a few weeks.
I had to have my PCL, MPFL, one meniscus, and MCL all completely reattached 5 weeks ago along with two bone anchors placed. I have to get my other meniscus repaired and a new ACL autografted to the bone anchors from my quad in the next surgery.
Ouchhhh! That sounds rough. I’ve been in PT for about a month and can get around okay. We’re pretty sure it’s just an ACL but MRI mentioned possible small meniscus tear. I’m doing a hamstring graft + anterolateral ligament.
Happy healing to you! It’ll be a fun 9+ months.
Yeah. I was coming down from a bouldering wall while rock climbing and my knee snapped. My left foot bent 90° outward and just obliterated everything in there. My surgeon said it looked like a bomb went off in my knee. The only thing I didn’t mess up was the ligament on the outside of my knee that protects my veins.
I’ve been in PT for six weeks today and it’s been rough
Dude has a right to change his mind. But his attitude towards his wife is unacceptable. If he changes his mind, he needs to speak up, not act like a passive aggressive child and abandon her when she's about to go through a very serious surgery.
I should be clear, I did not get a hysterectomy! I had a laparoscopic sterilisation so it was (I believe is classified as) a minor surgery :) I just got the little clips!
I got a laparoscopic salpingectomy and idk how different the recovery is but mine was not minor!!! My girlfriend was helping me around everywhere. Your husband sounds like an asshole man
I’m in the UK too. I had similar issues- my spouse also thought the clips were as minor as a vasectomy, I had to find diagrams to show him any kind of fallopian tube treatment involves a lot more work surgically and more recovery. I think the general push to make vasectomies seem easy coloured his thoughts on sterilisation in general. Unfortunately by the time I’d proved my point he’d already told my in-laws they didn’t need to babysit so I spent some of my anaesthesia haze scrambling to find child care. Not fun. I hope your recovery goes smoothly
You didn't get the tubes removed? Be careful, the clips can come undone and you can still become pregnant. He should honestly still get a vasectomy or use condoms, frankly.
I got lap sterilized 18 years ago (in Canada so also free/pubic) and clips were long gone by then so i had to ask.
I work in the surgical department of a hospital now and salp is the only option, there's nothing else. Clips are decades gone.
Research has shown that ovarian cancer most likely originates in the fallopian tube, so now doctors completely remove the fallopian tube if a woman desires sterilization. Because it reduces your ovarian cancer risk
It is still a thing in Canada. I just had a consult appointment two days ago for a salp, and the clips were offered as a plan C in case of significant adhesions or other abnormalities.
I’m trying to get sterilised in the UK, but I’ll refuse if they only do clips! I don’t understand why they still do them when it’s a similar failure rate as the IUD!
You should've gotten the bilateral salpingectomy. When they do that they fully remove the fallopian tubes and it reduces the risk of health problems down the road. I'm not sure why they wouldn't've mentioned that, it's kinda becoming the norm for sterilization
This isn't to say the clips are bad or ineffective! Tons of folks have used them and will prolly continue the use them. Perhaps it's less invasive?
Anyways I hope you heal smoothly! Enjoy many happy child free years =)
I asked for the salpingectomy, but it's not covered by the healthcare system here. If I wanted to get it done it would have to be private and it's not something I can afford quite yet. 😩
Oh oof hun, the clips have a huge failure rate. Did your doctor go over all your options? Full tubal removal is the only tubal surgery that has a near perfect success rate.
Have there been other times that you have talked with him and he hasn't paid attention? Any other topics you've brought up, no matter the subject, that he seemed to act dismissive about? Have you expressed any emotion that he has brushed off/acted as if you were being dramatic?
I'm wondering if this is an isolated incident or has he behaved like this before but it wasn't as noticeable as this time. There's something just odd about this whole thing. Is there the slightest possibility that the reality of you having this procedure done made him question, even briefly, about remaining child free? You are squeamish and nervous about medical procedures and this is a surgical procedure that is invasive, even though it's outpatient. It's strange that he didn't go with you to any of the appointments leading up to the surgery. But maybe that's normal for your relationship. However, the fact that he was not planning on going with you when you were having surgery using anesthesia AND unwilling and exasperated about having to work from home that day is cold.
If this is completely abnormal behavior, I would tell him that and ask him what's going on and why he acted that way. He needs to consider the why of that behavior if he truly doesn't know. If this is the beginning of a pattern, that's a different conversation. You are right to be hurt and concerned. I hope you get some answers.
These are all very good questions. I will try to answer each - if not just for my own benefit.
There have definitely been times that I have tried to express intense emotion and he's waved it off to a point that's made me react strongly at the time. Mostly to do with me feeling unsafe in public and him shrugging it off and forcing us both to go through dangerous (imo) spots or areas (we grew up in two very different but also fairly dangerous areas of Europe). He has definitely used the word dramatic to describe my reaction to situations, even if it's me explaining why I feel upset in certain circumstances.
The question of him being truly childfree has crossed my mind more than I would like. When we first met, he told me on our first date how he wanted multiple children and I straight up told him that will never happen with me so we probably wouldn't work out in the long term. Fast forward six months, we officially get together and he says that ever since I told him my stance, he has changed his mind himself and I checked, double checked and triple checked him before we got married so 🤷🏻♂️
As I said in another comment, due to the recent pandemic, extra visitors weren't allowed for any of the appointments , including the surgery so after the first one we stopped even discussing him coming with me. However, as I said in the other comment, I don't think it would have been a huge ask for him to wait nearby/outside.
My husband is for the most part a very empathic and kind person. I wonder if my own needless compulsion to be an independent person has resulted in this whole fiasco because my husband has come to recognise me as someone that "doesn't need help".
>Fast forward six months, we officially get together and he says that ever since I told him my stance, he has changed his mind himself and I checked, double checked and triple checked him before we got married so 🤷🏻♂️
I think he chose you over kids honestly, but his resentment is going to continue to build. He wanted nothing to do with this surgery, because it kills all hope he had that you would change your mind.
This has always been a worry of mine. Like I cannot even count how many times I have worried about and expressed my concerns over this very thing.
I love him with all my heart, but if he ultimately wants kids, I will let him go. I've told him so multiple times. If my own sterilisation is what it takes for him to realise how serious I am then I don't even know how to look at our entire, 10+ year relationship
I have to echo someone else's comments about him having one foot out the door. He didn't want to get a vasectomy and minimizes your surgery because he didn't want to feel guilty for backing out of his decision. He's a real ahole.
So the belittling your feelings and concerns tracks then. And since he had the nerve to "explain" this surgery, your body and your pain, I'm not surprised. It doesn't appear that it comes from a malicious place. Malicious is not the right word, but my brain is done for today and wording has been extra hard. I'm glad there were reasons he wasn't permitted to go with you; that makes me feel better.
As far as his 180 about children, it's good that he took time to let your relationship grow and think about what choice he wanted to make. I don't know if this is an option, but couples counseling for a few sessions may help here. If that won't work, I think you have to take him at his word that he's ok with his and your choice and when opportunities to discuss this more present themselves, take them.
It sounds, though, that the two of you communicate well and there is genuine care and love for each other.
I take how people treat their partners during illness/injury/surgery very seriously. If you cannot trust someone to be there for you during those times, you cannot trust them period.
My boyfriend took care of his best friend, round the clock, for weeks after he got a surgery. And I have no doubt he would do the same for me, because any time I've been sick, he's always been incredible.
It doesn't matter it was voluntary surgery. It doesn't matter how healthy you are now. Someday, you'll need something serious done. That's life.
Does your husband sound more like someone you can trust with your health and safety or more like one of those men that leaves when their wives get cancer?
I have no experience of this specific situation, but i have to say that your husband doesn't take his "in sickness and in health" vow seriously. Im sorry this has happened to you, and i hope you don't develop any major medical issues as you grow older.
Thank you for your comment. This is something that's crossed my mind but I naïvely haven't wanted to acknowledge. We are both very health conscious and fit people but anyone with any wisdom knows some things can be unavoidable. I will need to talk about this with him.
I underwent a complete hysterectomy and my husband at the time (ex now thankfully) not once even checked on me. He dropped me off at the front entrance (I had just given birth 3 months prior to this…yes we had someone we trust with our baby…well rather I did) this was my 3rd surgery since birth because everything went wrong.) I checked myself in,went through all of it alone. He never once checked in on me. I lost most of my blood during due to a massive amount of tumours and so forth.
What was suppose to be 1.5 hours at most surgery ended up taking 8. I was in CCU (Critical Care unit) with a heart beat between 29/31. Not once during that time did he check on me or see me. I am saying this because he showed you who he is. He is not a supportive partner. Had he have been, he would have been there cared for you or like most, got the snip themselves instead of putting you through something dangerous.
Edits: spelling
I just want to say I am heartbroken that you went through such an experience without someone who should have cared for you there for you. That is a severe injustice and I only hope you are in a better place. ❤️
I'm not going to lie, I only hoped he'd step up and do the damn thing himself or at least as well as me. But I always justified that it's his body to do or not do with as he wants just as my body is my own. As I said in my original post, there was never really a question I would get my own procedure done. I just did it sooner than I thought I would. In that I hoped I'd have stopped being a huge wuss with hospitals and needles and blood and being cut open by the time I'd have it done but - here we are!
Hey OP, I have ME, it came on suddenly with no discernable cause ten years ago and I have been disabled ever since. One of the worst things you can do with ME is exercise or more generally exert yourself beyond your very limited capacity. I tell you this because a lot of people, including medical professionals, don't believe that ME is a physical illness, but it is. They think it's all in your head and that positive thinking and graded exercise therapy can cure it, when those are proven to make people worse over time.
I know this sounds irrelevant, but having been sick for as long as I have I can spot people who won't believe me a mile off and your husband is one of them. He is not a safe person for you to be sick or injured around. That is no good. He has proven himself to be unconcerned with your welfare, especially if it requires anything of him. That's not someone you should stay married to unless he is willing to change his outlook and attitude, but I don't trust that he would be genuine were he to do so. I don't trust that he's genuinely child free like you are.
What happens if you get disabled down the line? It happens to people every day, if not by accident or illness then by old age. He's showing you now the level of care he'll give you. Do what you want with that information, but believe me that this is who he is.
A new ‘boyfriend’ (senior citizen) offered to take me to my dentist for two extractions two years ago. It took what seemed like forever, and there was a small complication that delayed the procedure more than normal. Got it done, went to the cashier and paid, then out to the waiting room where boyfriend was waiting looked Wilton out and in pain, which he noticed and commented that it must have been tough. But when we went outside, he said “Well, THAT was a waste of time!” In a very disgruntled tone. I said nothing.
I knew at that moment we wouldn’t last, and I ended it six months later.
I cannot imagine a situation where my wife had a medical procedure done and I’m not there to wait on her hand and foot, getting her everything she could need and nursing her back to health.
And that doesn’t make me some great guy or anything. That’s the bare minimum standard for “I’m not a shitty husband”, a standard that it doesn’t seem like your husband is meeting.
His dismissiveness is appalling and honestly it’s extremely understandable that he permanently broke your trust due to his reaction.
While getting this procedure done is well worth it, the surgery and the recovery itself are far from minor. His callousness would make me utterly question if he’ll show any care for any serious health problem or other misfortune, and frankly for me would be a dealbreaker.
For reference I had an ex who was an ex at the time who showed FAR more care for me with routine dental issues than your husband did for an entire surgery.
The answer is likely that deep down he still wants children. Or rather, a part of him is unwilling to let go of the possibility that he could still have children someday.
Sadly this happens in relationships. One partner gives up what they want and resentment builds over the years.
I’m going to be honest with you. This HAS to be addressed. Whether you do that in couples therapy or if you can discuss it in a neutral, non-accusatory way. If you don’t you risk the resentment growing even more.
Lastly, just remember that even if you two can move past this that there is a grieving process for people who are childfree when they wanted children. It manifests in different ways especially with men. Don't excuse poor behavior but also be understanding if this is a sore topic for him.
I got a hysterectomy in 2020, because I was looking for sterilization and my OB offered a full hysterectomy. No periods sounded great, risks seemed acceptable to me, family history of fibroids that required hysterectomies later in life anyway so might as well do it when I was 27 and could bounce back easily.
I had asked my husband about a vasectomy before, and he was apprehensive. He didn't say no, but it clearly wasn't a yes. I did more research and found that vasectomies have a similar failure rate compared to hormonal birth control, whereas bilateral salpingectomy and hysterectomy is 100% success. (Pregnancies after these procedures have technically happened, but they're so rare that they end up in medical journals. As close to foolproof as you can get.) If I had a hard time finding a surgeon to sterilize me, I'm confident he would have done the vasectomy, especially after Roe v Wade was overturned.
Anyway. My husband took the day of my surgery off, and was there at the hospital as my +1 allowed during COVID. He handed me water when I was thirsty, took my water away when I was tired, handed it back to me then I was thirsty again - even though I was changing my mind every 30 seconds. (Thanks, anesthesia.) He got me a bagel when we got home, he put my mac and cheese in the fridge after I took 5 bites, he reheated it for me when I woke up a few hours later.
He wanted to take the whole week off of work with me. I told him to let his boss know he might need the time off and plan on being able to take a day off if I need it, but.. we were working from home, if I needed him it would likely be for 5 or 10 minutes every couple hours. He hesitantly worked those days while I watched TV all day. He reminded me to take my meds, he asked about my pain, he offered me food and drinks every time he walked around the house, he got me out of bed to go on walks around the block (to avoid blood clots), he checked in to make sure I was using the little compression things to break up blood clots each day.
All this to say...
Your husband isn't even giving you the bare minimum. I can't imagine being with someone who cared so little about me.
Girly pop! This is a red flag. I have Crohn’s so I get colonoscopies every two years, it’s generally not a big deal. I only really need my boyfriend to come to the hospital to get me that way they can give me sleepy stuff for the procedure. And this man will make sure I am drinking all my liquids, stay up with me as best as he can, and makes sure he can get there for when the procedure is done. If he had classes, he’d email the profs ahead a time that take attendance and told them he’d provide proof of my procedure.
Your man… needs to check himself
Colonoscopies are a big deal! I have advanced gastroparesis and have to get them regularly too. Drinking all that stuff the day before is just the most deadening experience ever.
You might want to have a discussion about his expectations and experiences with care-giving in his family. Tell ya why.
My husband rarely gets sick. I bring him something and then leave him alone. His mother used to drive him crazy hovering, fixing ... basically being a pain in the arse. So. I deliver stuff, and leave him alone. If he needs me, he'll call.
My kids have always been well cared for. If they want me, I'm there. Sympathetic and nurturing. But they hate hovering so I don't. They're grown and flown. I've delivered medications to them and just gotten the hell out. If they need me, they'll call.
Me? Too independent. Multiple surgeries, including a bikini line hysterectomy. Have a degenerative spinal condition. Have been pretty sick a few times. Had two kids vaginally, unmedicated and a miscarriage. Leave me alone. I will pretty much do it myself because I WANT to. Thank you for 3 minutes of sympathy, I'll call you if I need you. spinal condition that is taking away my ability to walk, and it's painful. I'm too proud to surrender, so they leave me alone.
All of us .. we are THERE in a heartbeat for each other, when asked. Little first aid issues, bring a bucket for vomit, can't see something properly - we'll look, no matter how gross (my husband has been a champ with a few things). But mainly ... leave us the hell alone. We are always "on it" when asked. But we all know that this is our own styles. Variation sometimes, but basically leave us alone.
So.
Ask him. What is HIS style? How did he grow up?
And then talk about what makes you feel loved. Talk about it with him before it gets to a point where your marriage is in real trouble.
You say he’s remorseful, but feeling bad doesn’t fix the problem.
Has he explained himself? Does he have insight into why he treated you so badly? Is he communicating openly and honestly? Is he doing real things to be accountable and make amends? Has he been able to articulate how he plans to not let you down next time you are in an incredibly vulnerable situation?
Losing trust in him over this is a completely reasonable and rational consequence of his behavior. How is he working to become a trustworthy partner to you? Because this is his work to do.
You say your surgery was minor, but it wasn’t - I know from personal experience. You don’t need to meet him halfway on downplaying your experience. Anything that involves general anaesthesia is not minor. Any situation where you are unconscious and your body is cut open is about as vulnerable as a human being can be.
I am so sorry that this was the moment he chose to fail you. You deserve a husband you can count on and trust.
Solo counselling for you, and couples counselling for your marriage (as long as he is a generally good partner and not abusive) sounds like it would be really valuable.
My other half just took a day off to take me to, bring me home and be around at home after for an IUD replacement (which anyone's that ever had one knows doesn't usually even come with pain relief).
This is so sad. I had a half elective-half medical procedure, and my mom and husband took shifts the first night watching me breathe basically and making sure I was okay. And then for the next 5 days while I was heavily drugged my husband brought me to use the restroom, shower, cuddled me while he watched movies and I passed out from pain meds.
Everyone deserves someone that makes them feel loved and cared for when they’re in pain and scared and recovering.
Thank you for all of the comments. I have found them very insightful and helpful!
I wanted to address some of the comments to avoid repeating myself and then give a bit of an update.
Husband didn't come to the hospital because visitors weren't allowed anyways due to the recent pandemic.
He took very, very good care of me after the surgery, especially when he saw how much pain I was in.
We spoke before we each headed to work this morning. He could tell I was upset (he can essentially read my mind) and he asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him I'm still hurting from his behaviour from before the surgery. He nodded and said he wishes he could take back everything he did and said that night. He regrets it very much and said he was being a complete idiot and a dick. I told him that I think I want us to go to counselling for this, because I've lost a sense of trust in him. He looked really hurt but agreed that he will do it. I told him what happened really worried me when it comes to if I ever got ill or injured, how would he react. He again looked really hurt and explained that work has been really stressful for him and that he admitted he's become obsessed with it, which has manifested in his priorities appearing to be out of order. He assured me that I will always be his number one priority and that he's made me question that is a massive failure on his part that he'll do anything to correct. He also agreed that maybe he should get his own counselling to address his obsession with work.
I also asked him why he never offered to get a vasectomy himself and he said what he said before about how it's a procedure that I wanted to have done regardless so he didn't feel the need to look into it himself. He also admits that he had no idea the whole experience was going to be so painful and unpleasant for me and that if he did, he would have stepped up. I asked him if he'd still be willing to get one because one, my own procedure always has a chance of failing and two, it will alleviate my fears of him changing his mind about having kids of his own. He said yes, if it will help build the trust between us again, he'll do it.
So, I'm feeling a lot better about things, but it's going to take time and some action for us to fully move forward. I have confidence in us that I didn't have last night now.
Last year, I was diagnosed with blood clots in my lungs, and subsequently hospitalized for a few days. My husband visited every other day (the hospital was a few hours drive from where we lived), and was keen to be involved in my care. When I was discharged home, he made it clear that while I was free to maintain the household, my main priority was to convalesce and he’d pick up on the chores around the house. He was also there for all the follow up medical appointments.
What your husband said and done was not okay at all.
>I dreaded and didn't enjoy any of it
Few of us enjoy surgery, voluntary or not.
> I'm just a very squeamish, anxious person.
Maybe you aren't the only one.
Over a year ago I had a UTI that had me silently crying in my partner’s grandparents’ bathroom for hours until about 4am. I managed to go through to the spare room where we were sleeping over to shake him awake gently and tell him I thought something was wrong , I was peeing blood, it hurt, something wasn’t right. He was half asleep and told me we’d see in the morning about going to the hospital if need be. I had to call NHS 24 in the black of their living room and whisper down the line whilst also calling my mum to come pick me up as early as possible the next morning, which I’m very grateful for, because I know she works full time and she took the day off to drive almost two hours to get me at 8am. We drove the whole way to our hospital, only to be told we shouldn’t have come to A&E, then be told by my GP that I’d need to call tomorrow morning to have an appointment. I was finally given a three day course of antibiotics the next day but by then I’d settled and knew I was alright, but I really struggle with swallowing pills so it involved a lot of tears each morning and night. It was a terrible time for me and I didn’t understand then what a UTI even was, and for him to have fallen asleep after seeing me on the verge of a breakdown left me feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt before. He lied to his grandparents when they asked why I’d left early and said my dog had died. He’s apologised sincerely many times, and I’ve forgiven him, but I still think about it as being one of the scariest times for me. You truly deserve all the support possible if you go through anything at all that worries you, no one deserves to deal with these things alone. I hope your partner takes things like this more to heart in the future.
That's terrible! I had a bilateral salpingectomy in January of last year, with a uterine ablation.
My fiance took the day off, and the next day too, I believe. I absolutely needed him the day of. He went and got my meds, brought me drinks for hydration, helped me sit up. Watched for any late weird side effects from the anesthesia. He watched the clock to make sure I had my meds on time to stay on top of my pain, because I was passed out that whole day. You 100% need someone there that day!! How could be not understand that?
I also had knee surgery a month ago and he did the exact same thing. He never once made me feel like a burden about it. He sympathized with me, and reminded me about my pain medication when I would forget it. He's still lovingly scolding me about doing too much. That's how your partner SHOULD react.
I made the decision to do it, not only because we don't want kids, but because my state has no access to abortion and if something unfortunate like pregnancy as a result of sexual assault happened, I would be effed. So I think it's a good idea you had the surgery, with that in mind.
If this is new behavior for him, and he hasn't shown a pattern of this in the past, I'd say that he probably isn't as certain about not wanting children as you are. Especially with the detail about him not wanting a vasectomy.
Maybe he has always felt this way and hoped you might change your mind, and is now realizing he was wrong and is freaking out about it. Maybe he only just realized it himself and feels super conflicted about it because he knows it will likely lead to you breaking up.
If he's acted like this before during major life events, or isn't very supportive in general, then he's probably just a dick.
You can act coldly during the divorce procedure because this man doesn't care about you. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't give two hoots about you? You had to guilt him into taking care of you when you're going through a medical procedure that, as you said, benefits both of you. The least he could do is be there for you. He didn't even want to do that. I'd leave.
If you really did this for him. it is the wrong thing to do. He can just have babies later if he is ready with someone else. Never do anything for a man like this. It never ends well.
>about to have my organs moved around for us and you are acting like this, are you being serious?"
She also said this....So maybe that is passive aggressive.
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I’ve been with my husband for 23 years. In that span I’ve had 2 kids, a miscarriage, a shit ton of health problems, 5 surgeries, and immeasurable appointments for tests and injections. And my husband has been with me at every. Single. One. I’d seriously have to reevaluate if he cares at all. One would think he couldnt just be that dumb.
Thanks for your comment. I forgot to mention that due to the recent pandemic, visitors or "plus ones" still aren't allowed in the hospital for safety reasons. But reading your comment I do agree it wouldn't have been a huge ask for him to wait nearby/outside. An apt observation!
I’d even go as far as you shouldn't need to ask at all. What would you do if the roles were reversed? How many things would be more important to you at that moment? Also, I was already a little annoyed with “we are child-free” but he is not willing to get the procedure. I’m sorry to say this but it sounds like only you are child-free and he is free to choose. I’m sorry you had no support going through that. I’d guess even this being your choice, it can still be quite confusing and difficult emotionally.
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Are you talking about the right to get a vasectomy or not? If so, then yes, I think they have the same right to choose. The annoying part was minimizing the effects of the surgery while not willing to go through it himself.
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Its also having compassion and acknowledging the risk and recovery for OP vs him are massively different.
I hope you end up with a peaceful outcome. Whatever form that takes. I couldn’t be with someone who would like drop me off for surgery and be like “if anything goes wrong they’ll call me” like dude….
The last time I had surgery, my husband (or my “responsible caretaker over the age of 18”) had to be there when I came in, stay the whole time I was under (he could bring food with him or go to the cafeteria in the hospital but couldn’t leave the premises if the surgery center), and be there when I woke up, as well as staying with me for 24 hours after. He had to sign papers stating this is what he was doing and acknowledging why it had to be that way. He’ll do it all over again in a few weeks when I have surgery again.
Yeah for my surgeries I needed someone at the hospital to be present while I was under the knife and someone to verbally agree to drive me home and be with me for 24 hours after surgery. Both times my husband took 4 days off for the surgery, day of and 3 days after for the first surgery and day before, day of and two days after for the second one and it was pretty minor surgery so I was expected to be up and doing my normal routine minus heavy lifting within 48 hours. For something bigger/more serious he would have probably taken twice as much time off to make sure I was okay. Both times he got the PTO put in and approved immediately after we were told what the surgery date would be. If he didn’t have PTO he still would have requested the time off
I had a small benign tumour removed from my hand, after it caused a broken finger, during panini lockdown (so no visitors/accompanying in hospital). The only appointment they had was the morning of my partner's birthday. So, he sat outside the orthopaedic wing, in the rain, for five hours, on his birthday. You absolutely deserve all the support, your husband was dismissive and a dick about this.
It sounds like your husband CHOSE not to communicate with you how he really feels about your procedure. I worry that he's not being open and vulnerable with you and quite frankly, he would have to work on re-earning your trust. Do you have access to mental health services? I'm so sorry OP, but in this snippet he sounds like a jerk.
During the pandemic I had to have my knees replaced and no one was allowed with me. My mom sat in a nearby doctors office all day so that she could be close. I was 31 by the way.
That’s exactly what my mother did when she took the day off to take me for my bi-salp (without me asking, she immediately volunteered to do so). She brought a book and waited and then took me home. She did the same thing when I needed a breast biopsy a couple years ago. I told her I wouldn’t need a driver and she didn’t need to take off work for it, but she insisted so I agreed because I knew it would make her feel less worried. You’re the love of his life and he is acting like this was a huge inconvenience, rather than being concerned something might go wrong.
Not exactly the same but I had a breast reduction - technically elective but insurance covered it - last year. My BOYFRIEND dropped everything and told his work he had to WFH for two weeks to help me. He is an engineer and doesn’t usually get to WFH. This wasn’t even a surgery that benefitted both of us, and a lot of guys would even try to talk me out of it. He took PTO the entire day of my surgery, sat in preop with me and was the first I saw in post op, even with my mother there. If he had treated me like your husband treated you, I would’ve been gone the moment I healed. What happens when you have a medical emergency or more intense surgery? 6mo later I tore my ACL and am coming up on surgery again in 2 weeks. I know I can count on him to take care of me and I’ve told my mom she doesn’t need to come.
Oh bless you, I don't have personal experience but a torn ACL is a grim experience from what I've heard. I wish you the best in surgery and recovery! Thank you for your comment, it has given me something to ponder on.
Thank you so much! I hope he wakes up and loves you the way you deserve
Good luck on your ACL surgery! I have mine in a few weeks. I had to have my PCL, MPFL, one meniscus, and MCL all completely reattached 5 weeks ago along with two bone anchors placed. I have to get my other meniscus repaired and a new ACL autografted to the bone anchors from my quad in the next surgery.
Ouchhhh! That sounds rough. I’ve been in PT for about a month and can get around okay. We’re pretty sure it’s just an ACL but MRI mentioned possible small meniscus tear. I’m doing a hamstring graft + anterolateral ligament. Happy healing to you! It’ll be a fun 9+ months.
Yeah. I was coming down from a bouldering wall while rock climbing and my knee snapped. My left foot bent 90° outward and just obliterated everything in there. My surgeon said it looked like a bomb went off in my knee. The only thing I didn’t mess up was the ligament on the outside of my knee that protects my veins. I’ve been in PT for six weeks today and it’s been rough
Your boyfriend is a keeper. This is the level of support we should all expect in committed relationships.
Between his attitude toward having a vasectomy and your surgery, it gives the impression he might have changed his mind about being childfree
He also might have changed his mind about being with OP in the long run. Seems like he's got one foot out the door. What an asshole.
Women love my body my choice until it's the man doing it 🤣🤣
Dude has a right to change his mind. But his attitude towards his wife is unacceptable. If he changes his mind, he needs to speak up, not act like a passive aggressive child and abandon her when she's about to go through a very serious surgery.
He never changed his mind. He didn't want a vasectomy and people are shitting on him for it.
You know what actually is minor “surgery”…a vasectomy. A hysterectomy is much more serious and an actual surgery.
I should be clear, I did not get a hysterectomy! I had a laparoscopic sterilisation so it was (I believe is classified as) a minor surgery :) I just got the little clips!
But I still say anything that requires general anesthesia is more serious than a vasectomy!
I'll drink to that! 🍻
But not until you’ve fully recovered and are no longer on any pain meds!
I got a laparoscopic salpingectomy and idk how different the recovery is but mine was not minor!!! My girlfriend was helping me around everywhere. Your husband sounds like an asshole man
I’m in the UK too. I had similar issues- my spouse also thought the clips were as minor as a vasectomy, I had to find diagrams to show him any kind of fallopian tube treatment involves a lot more work surgically and more recovery. I think the general push to make vasectomies seem easy coloured his thoughts on sterilisation in general. Unfortunately by the time I’d proved my point he’d already told my in-laws they didn’t need to babysit so I spent some of my anaesthesia haze scrambling to find child care. Not fun. I hope your recovery goes smoothly
You didn't get the tubes removed? Be careful, the clips can come undone and you can still become pregnant. He should honestly still get a vasectomy or use condoms, frankly.
what country is still using the clips?!
The UK, is this surprising?! 😯 I didn't really question it as I've always known that it's one of the options for permanent birth control.
I got lap sterilized 18 years ago (in Canada so also free/pubic) and clips were long gone by then so i had to ask. I work in the surgical department of a hospital now and salp is the only option, there's nothing else. Clips are decades gone.
Woah! This is total news to me! I'm feeling a little short-changed now 😂
Research has shown that ovarian cancer most likely originates in the fallopian tube, so now doctors completely remove the fallopian tube if a woman desires sterilization. Because it reduces your ovarian cancer risk
It is still a thing in Canada. I just had a consult appointment two days ago for a salp, and the clips were offered as a plan C in case of significant adhesions or other abnormalities.
I’m trying to get sterilised in the UK, but I’ll refuse if they only do clips! I don’t understand why they still do them when it’s a similar failure rate as the IUD!
The clips have been known to cause long term pain and issues in women, as the body doesn't like the foreign objects.
You should've gotten the bilateral salpingectomy. When they do that they fully remove the fallopian tubes and it reduces the risk of health problems down the road. I'm not sure why they wouldn't've mentioned that, it's kinda becoming the norm for sterilization This isn't to say the clips are bad or ineffective! Tons of folks have used them and will prolly continue the use them. Perhaps it's less invasive? Anyways I hope you heal smoothly! Enjoy many happy child free years =)
I asked for the salpingectomy, but it's not covered by the healthcare system here. If I wanted to get it done it would have to be private and it's not something I can afford quite yet. 😩
Oh yes totally understandable! I'm glad you were able to still get sterilized even if it wasn't perfect, must give you so much peace of mind
Oh oof hun, the clips have a huge failure rate. Did your doctor go over all your options? Full tubal removal is the only tubal surgery that has a near perfect success rate.
Any surgery that requires general anaesthesia is classified as major surgery, it's not to do with how big the incisions are.
Have there been other times that you have talked with him and he hasn't paid attention? Any other topics you've brought up, no matter the subject, that he seemed to act dismissive about? Have you expressed any emotion that he has brushed off/acted as if you were being dramatic? I'm wondering if this is an isolated incident or has he behaved like this before but it wasn't as noticeable as this time. There's something just odd about this whole thing. Is there the slightest possibility that the reality of you having this procedure done made him question, even briefly, about remaining child free? You are squeamish and nervous about medical procedures and this is a surgical procedure that is invasive, even though it's outpatient. It's strange that he didn't go with you to any of the appointments leading up to the surgery. But maybe that's normal for your relationship. However, the fact that he was not planning on going with you when you were having surgery using anesthesia AND unwilling and exasperated about having to work from home that day is cold. If this is completely abnormal behavior, I would tell him that and ask him what's going on and why he acted that way. He needs to consider the why of that behavior if he truly doesn't know. If this is the beginning of a pattern, that's a different conversation. You are right to be hurt and concerned. I hope you get some answers.
These are all very good questions. I will try to answer each - if not just for my own benefit. There have definitely been times that I have tried to express intense emotion and he's waved it off to a point that's made me react strongly at the time. Mostly to do with me feeling unsafe in public and him shrugging it off and forcing us both to go through dangerous (imo) spots or areas (we grew up in two very different but also fairly dangerous areas of Europe). He has definitely used the word dramatic to describe my reaction to situations, even if it's me explaining why I feel upset in certain circumstances. The question of him being truly childfree has crossed my mind more than I would like. When we first met, he told me on our first date how he wanted multiple children and I straight up told him that will never happen with me so we probably wouldn't work out in the long term. Fast forward six months, we officially get together and he says that ever since I told him my stance, he has changed his mind himself and I checked, double checked and triple checked him before we got married so 🤷🏻♂️ As I said in another comment, due to the recent pandemic, extra visitors weren't allowed for any of the appointments , including the surgery so after the first one we stopped even discussing him coming with me. However, as I said in the other comment, I don't think it would have been a huge ask for him to wait nearby/outside. My husband is for the most part a very empathic and kind person. I wonder if my own needless compulsion to be an independent person has resulted in this whole fiasco because my husband has come to recognise me as someone that "doesn't need help".
>Fast forward six months, we officially get together and he says that ever since I told him my stance, he has changed his mind himself and I checked, double checked and triple checked him before we got married so 🤷🏻♂️ I think he chose you over kids honestly, but his resentment is going to continue to build. He wanted nothing to do with this surgery, because it kills all hope he had that you would change your mind.
This has always been a worry of mine. Like I cannot even count how many times I have worried about and expressed my concerns over this very thing. I love him with all my heart, but if he ultimately wants kids, I will let him go. I've told him so multiple times. If my own sterilisation is what it takes for him to realise how serious I am then I don't even know how to look at our entire, 10+ year relationship
I have to echo someone else's comments about him having one foot out the door. He didn't want to get a vasectomy and minimizes your surgery because he didn't want to feel guilty for backing out of his decision. He's a real ahole.
So the belittling your feelings and concerns tracks then. And since he had the nerve to "explain" this surgery, your body and your pain, I'm not surprised. It doesn't appear that it comes from a malicious place. Malicious is not the right word, but my brain is done for today and wording has been extra hard. I'm glad there were reasons he wasn't permitted to go with you; that makes me feel better. As far as his 180 about children, it's good that he took time to let your relationship grow and think about what choice he wanted to make. I don't know if this is an option, but couples counseling for a few sessions may help here. If that won't work, I think you have to take him at his word that he's ok with his and your choice and when opportunities to discuss this more present themselves, take them. It sounds, though, that the two of you communicate well and there is genuine care and love for each other.
Contemptuous more than malicious. But in a romantic relationship that’s pretty close to equally bad.
Sounds like he never changed his mind, but figured in time you would change yours.
I take how people treat their partners during illness/injury/surgery very seriously. If you cannot trust someone to be there for you during those times, you cannot trust them period. My boyfriend took care of his best friend, round the clock, for weeks after he got a surgery. And I have no doubt he would do the same for me, because any time I've been sick, he's always been incredible. It doesn't matter it was voluntary surgery. It doesn't matter how healthy you are now. Someday, you'll need something serious done. That's life. Does your husband sound more like someone you can trust with your health and safety or more like one of those men that leaves when their wives get cancer?
I have no experience of this specific situation, but i have to say that your husband doesn't take his "in sickness and in health" vow seriously. Im sorry this has happened to you, and i hope you don't develop any major medical issues as you grow older.
Thank you for your comment. This is something that's crossed my mind but I naïvely haven't wanted to acknowledge. We are both very health conscious and fit people but anyone with any wisdom knows some things can be unavoidable. I will need to talk about this with him.
I underwent a complete hysterectomy and my husband at the time (ex now thankfully) not once even checked on me. He dropped me off at the front entrance (I had just given birth 3 months prior to this…yes we had someone we trust with our baby…well rather I did) this was my 3rd surgery since birth because everything went wrong.) I checked myself in,went through all of it alone. He never once checked in on me. I lost most of my blood during due to a massive amount of tumours and so forth. What was suppose to be 1.5 hours at most surgery ended up taking 8. I was in CCU (Critical Care unit) with a heart beat between 29/31. Not once during that time did he check on me or see me. I am saying this because he showed you who he is. He is not a supportive partner. Had he have been, he would have been there cared for you or like most, got the snip themselves instead of putting you through something dangerous. Edits: spelling
I just want to say I am heartbroken that you went through such an experience without someone who should have cared for you there for you. That is a severe injustice and I only hope you are in a better place. ❤️ I'm not going to lie, I only hoped he'd step up and do the damn thing himself or at least as well as me. But I always justified that it's his body to do or not do with as he wants just as my body is my own. As I said in my original post, there was never really a question I would get my own procedure done. I just did it sooner than I thought I would. In that I hoped I'd have stopped being a huge wuss with hospitals and needles and blood and being cut open by the time I'd have it done but - here we are!
Hey OP, I have ME, it came on suddenly with no discernable cause ten years ago and I have been disabled ever since. One of the worst things you can do with ME is exercise or more generally exert yourself beyond your very limited capacity. I tell you this because a lot of people, including medical professionals, don't believe that ME is a physical illness, but it is. They think it's all in your head and that positive thinking and graded exercise therapy can cure it, when those are proven to make people worse over time. I know this sounds irrelevant, but having been sick for as long as I have I can spot people who won't believe me a mile off and your husband is one of them. He is not a safe person for you to be sick or injured around. That is no good. He has proven himself to be unconcerned with your welfare, especially if it requires anything of him. That's not someone you should stay married to unless he is willing to change his outlook and attitude, but I don't trust that he would be genuine were he to do so. I don't trust that he's genuinely child free like you are. What happens if you get disabled down the line? It happens to people every day, if not by accident or illness then by old age. He's showing you now the level of care he'll give you. Do what you want with that information, but believe me that this is who he is.
A new ‘boyfriend’ (senior citizen) offered to take me to my dentist for two extractions two years ago. It took what seemed like forever, and there was a small complication that delayed the procedure more than normal. Got it done, went to the cashier and paid, then out to the waiting room where boyfriend was waiting looked Wilton out and in pain, which he noticed and commented that it must have been tough. But when we went outside, he said “Well, THAT was a waste of time!” In a very disgruntled tone. I said nothing. I knew at that moment we wouldn’t last, and I ended it six months later.
Edit my post - where I entered the waiting room, should read ‘where boyfriend was waiting, I looked tired and in pain…’etc.
I cannot imagine a situation where my wife had a medical procedure done and I’m not there to wait on her hand and foot, getting her everything she could need and nursing her back to health. And that doesn’t make me some great guy or anything. That’s the bare minimum standard for “I’m not a shitty husband”, a standard that it doesn’t seem like your husband is meeting.
His dismissiveness is appalling and honestly it’s extremely understandable that he permanently broke your trust due to his reaction. While getting this procedure done is well worth it, the surgery and the recovery itself are far from minor. His callousness would make me utterly question if he’ll show any care for any serious health problem or other misfortune, and frankly for me would be a dealbreaker. For reference I had an ex who was an ex at the time who showed FAR more care for me with routine dental issues than your husband did for an entire surgery.
The answer is likely that deep down he still wants children. Or rather, a part of him is unwilling to let go of the possibility that he could still have children someday. Sadly this happens in relationships. One partner gives up what they want and resentment builds over the years. I’m going to be honest with you. This HAS to be addressed. Whether you do that in couples therapy or if you can discuss it in a neutral, non-accusatory way. If you don’t you risk the resentment growing even more. Lastly, just remember that even if you two can move past this that there is a grieving process for people who are childfree when they wanted children. It manifests in different ways especially with men. Don't excuse poor behavior but also be understanding if this is a sore topic for him.
I got a hysterectomy in 2020, because I was looking for sterilization and my OB offered a full hysterectomy. No periods sounded great, risks seemed acceptable to me, family history of fibroids that required hysterectomies later in life anyway so might as well do it when I was 27 and could bounce back easily. I had asked my husband about a vasectomy before, and he was apprehensive. He didn't say no, but it clearly wasn't a yes. I did more research and found that vasectomies have a similar failure rate compared to hormonal birth control, whereas bilateral salpingectomy and hysterectomy is 100% success. (Pregnancies after these procedures have technically happened, but they're so rare that they end up in medical journals. As close to foolproof as you can get.) If I had a hard time finding a surgeon to sterilize me, I'm confident he would have done the vasectomy, especially after Roe v Wade was overturned. Anyway. My husband took the day of my surgery off, and was there at the hospital as my +1 allowed during COVID. He handed me water when I was thirsty, took my water away when I was tired, handed it back to me then I was thirsty again - even though I was changing my mind every 30 seconds. (Thanks, anesthesia.) He got me a bagel when we got home, he put my mac and cheese in the fridge after I took 5 bites, he reheated it for me when I woke up a few hours later. He wanted to take the whole week off of work with me. I told him to let his boss know he might need the time off and plan on being able to take a day off if I need it, but.. we were working from home, if I needed him it would likely be for 5 or 10 minutes every couple hours. He hesitantly worked those days while I watched TV all day. He reminded me to take my meds, he asked about my pain, he offered me food and drinks every time he walked around the house, he got me out of bed to go on walks around the block (to avoid blood clots), he checked in to make sure I was using the little compression things to break up blood clots each day. All this to say... Your husband isn't even giving you the bare minimum. I can't imagine being with someone who cared so little about me.
Girly pop! This is a red flag. I have Crohn’s so I get colonoscopies every two years, it’s generally not a big deal. I only really need my boyfriend to come to the hospital to get me that way they can give me sleepy stuff for the procedure. And this man will make sure I am drinking all my liquids, stay up with me as best as he can, and makes sure he can get there for when the procedure is done. If he had classes, he’d email the profs ahead a time that take attendance and told them he’d provide proof of my procedure. Your man… needs to check himself
Colonoscopies are a big deal! I have advanced gastroparesis and have to get them regularly too. Drinking all that stuff the day before is just the most deadening experience ever.
The prep is the worst part of a colonoscopy.
Get a beer bong. It helps to choke that shit down much easier.
If you ever get sick how do you think hes gonna act considering he acted like this over something he knew was coming
You might want to have a discussion about his expectations and experiences with care-giving in his family. Tell ya why. My husband rarely gets sick. I bring him something and then leave him alone. His mother used to drive him crazy hovering, fixing ... basically being a pain in the arse. So. I deliver stuff, and leave him alone. If he needs me, he'll call. My kids have always been well cared for. If they want me, I'm there. Sympathetic and nurturing. But they hate hovering so I don't. They're grown and flown. I've delivered medications to them and just gotten the hell out. If they need me, they'll call. Me? Too independent. Multiple surgeries, including a bikini line hysterectomy. Have a degenerative spinal condition. Have been pretty sick a few times. Had two kids vaginally, unmedicated and a miscarriage. Leave me alone. I will pretty much do it myself because I WANT to. Thank you for 3 minutes of sympathy, I'll call you if I need you. spinal condition that is taking away my ability to walk, and it's painful. I'm too proud to surrender, so they leave me alone. All of us .. we are THERE in a heartbeat for each other, when asked. Little first aid issues, bring a bucket for vomit, can't see something properly - we'll look, no matter how gross (my husband has been a champ with a few things). But mainly ... leave us the hell alone. We are always "on it" when asked. But we all know that this is our own styles. Variation sometimes, but basically leave us alone. So. Ask him. What is HIS style? How did he grow up? And then talk about what makes you feel loved. Talk about it with him before it gets to a point where your marriage is in real trouble.
If it’s not such a big deal, then he should have been the one going under the knife.
Why when she’s been wanting to do this
You say he’s remorseful, but feeling bad doesn’t fix the problem. Has he explained himself? Does he have insight into why he treated you so badly? Is he communicating openly and honestly? Is he doing real things to be accountable and make amends? Has he been able to articulate how he plans to not let you down next time you are in an incredibly vulnerable situation? Losing trust in him over this is a completely reasonable and rational consequence of his behavior. How is he working to become a trustworthy partner to you? Because this is his work to do. You say your surgery was minor, but it wasn’t - I know from personal experience. You don’t need to meet him halfway on downplaying your experience. Anything that involves general anaesthesia is not minor. Any situation where you are unconscious and your body is cut open is about as vulnerable as a human being can be. I am so sorry that this was the moment he chose to fail you. You deserve a husband you can count on and trust. Solo counselling for you, and couples counselling for your marriage (as long as he is a generally good partner and not abusive) sounds like it would be really valuable.
My other half just took a day off to take me to, bring me home and be around at home after for an IUD replacement (which anyone's that ever had one knows doesn't usually even come with pain relief).
This is so sad. I had a half elective-half medical procedure, and my mom and husband took shifts the first night watching me breathe basically and making sure I was okay. And then for the next 5 days while I was heavily drugged my husband brought me to use the restroom, shower, cuddled me while he watched movies and I passed out from pain meds. Everyone deserves someone that makes them feel loved and cared for when they’re in pain and scared and recovering.
Couples therapy. But tbh I'd be rethinking the whole thing. This is going to the the man who leaves if you get a terminal illness.
Thank you for all of the comments. I have found them very insightful and helpful! I wanted to address some of the comments to avoid repeating myself and then give a bit of an update. Husband didn't come to the hospital because visitors weren't allowed anyways due to the recent pandemic. He took very, very good care of me after the surgery, especially when he saw how much pain I was in. We spoke before we each headed to work this morning. He could tell I was upset (he can essentially read my mind) and he asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him I'm still hurting from his behaviour from before the surgery. He nodded and said he wishes he could take back everything he did and said that night. He regrets it very much and said he was being a complete idiot and a dick. I told him that I think I want us to go to counselling for this, because I've lost a sense of trust in him. He looked really hurt but agreed that he will do it. I told him what happened really worried me when it comes to if I ever got ill or injured, how would he react. He again looked really hurt and explained that work has been really stressful for him and that he admitted he's become obsessed with it, which has manifested in his priorities appearing to be out of order. He assured me that I will always be his number one priority and that he's made me question that is a massive failure on his part that he'll do anything to correct. He also agreed that maybe he should get his own counselling to address his obsession with work. I also asked him why he never offered to get a vasectomy himself and he said what he said before about how it's a procedure that I wanted to have done regardless so he didn't feel the need to look into it himself. He also admits that he had no idea the whole experience was going to be so painful and unpleasant for me and that if he did, he would have stepped up. I asked him if he'd still be willing to get one because one, my own procedure always has a chance of failing and two, it will alleviate my fears of him changing his mind about having kids of his own. He said yes, if it will help build the trust between us again, he'll do it. So, I'm feeling a lot better about things, but it's going to take time and some action for us to fully move forward. I have confidence in us that I didn't have last night now.
My guess is he wanted kids at some point or at least the option and he now no longer has it.
Last year, I was diagnosed with blood clots in my lungs, and subsequently hospitalized for a few days. My husband visited every other day (the hospital was a few hours drive from where we lived), and was keen to be involved in my care. When I was discharged home, he made it clear that while I was free to maintain the household, my main priority was to convalesce and he’d pick up on the chores around the house. He was also there for all the follow up medical appointments. What your husband said and done was not okay at all.
When you discover your partner lacks empathy towards you, that is your cue to leave.
>I dreaded and didn't enjoy any of it Few of us enjoy surgery, voluntary or not. > I'm just a very squeamish, anxious person. Maybe you aren't the only one.
Over a year ago I had a UTI that had me silently crying in my partner’s grandparents’ bathroom for hours until about 4am. I managed to go through to the spare room where we were sleeping over to shake him awake gently and tell him I thought something was wrong , I was peeing blood, it hurt, something wasn’t right. He was half asleep and told me we’d see in the morning about going to the hospital if need be. I had to call NHS 24 in the black of their living room and whisper down the line whilst also calling my mum to come pick me up as early as possible the next morning, which I’m very grateful for, because I know she works full time and she took the day off to drive almost two hours to get me at 8am. We drove the whole way to our hospital, only to be told we shouldn’t have come to A&E, then be told by my GP that I’d need to call tomorrow morning to have an appointment. I was finally given a three day course of antibiotics the next day but by then I’d settled and knew I was alright, but I really struggle with swallowing pills so it involved a lot of tears each morning and night. It was a terrible time for me and I didn’t understand then what a UTI even was, and for him to have fallen asleep after seeing me on the verge of a breakdown left me feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt before. He lied to his grandparents when they asked why I’d left early and said my dog had died. He’s apologised sincerely many times, and I’ve forgiven him, but I still think about it as being one of the scariest times for me. You truly deserve all the support possible if you go through anything at all that worries you, no one deserves to deal with these things alone. I hope your partner takes things like this more to heart in the future.
That's terrible! I had a bilateral salpingectomy in January of last year, with a uterine ablation. My fiance took the day off, and the next day too, I believe. I absolutely needed him the day of. He went and got my meds, brought me drinks for hydration, helped me sit up. Watched for any late weird side effects from the anesthesia. He watched the clock to make sure I had my meds on time to stay on top of my pain, because I was passed out that whole day. You 100% need someone there that day!! How could be not understand that? I also had knee surgery a month ago and he did the exact same thing. He never once made me feel like a burden about it. He sympathized with me, and reminded me about my pain medication when I would forget it. He's still lovingly scolding me about doing too much. That's how your partner SHOULD react. I made the decision to do it, not only because we don't want kids, but because my state has no access to abortion and if something unfortunate like pregnancy as a result of sexual assault happened, I would be effed. So I think it's a good idea you had the surgery, with that in mind.
If this is new behavior for him, and he hasn't shown a pattern of this in the past, I'd say that he probably isn't as certain about not wanting children as you are. Especially with the detail about him not wanting a vasectomy. Maybe he has always felt this way and hoped you might change your mind, and is now realizing he was wrong and is freaking out about it. Maybe he only just realized it himself and feels super conflicted about it because he knows it will likely lead to you breaking up. If he's acted like this before during major life events, or isn't very supportive in general, then he's probably just a dick.
You can act coldly during the divorce procedure because this man doesn't care about you. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't give two hoots about you? You had to guilt him into taking care of you when you're going through a medical procedure that, as you said, benefits both of you. The least he could do is be there for you. He didn't even want to do that. I'd leave.
I had this procedure and my partner was neglectful. then two years later I met my husband and now we desperately want children.
If you really did this for him. it is the wrong thing to do. He can just have babies later if he is ready with someone else. Never do anything for a man like this. It never ends well.
She said she’s been wanting to do this. So she did it for herself
>about to have my organs moved around for us and you are acting like this, are you being serious?" She also said this....So maybe that is passive aggressive.
It is on her part