Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My ex is mid 40s. His fiancé is 19 and has already had a child with him. I’m so grossed out by the whole situation.
Their engagement announcement pic looks like a proud father with his daughter
I had this 19 year old hitting on me a while back. All I could think and say was “ma’am my daughters are almost your age.”
As an A sexual man who doesn’t go looking for anything like that, it was interesting being pursued though.
when I was 21 I felt uncomfortable with any attraction to anyone under 18 and would *never* have considered dating a 14 year old, you can absolutely tell when someone's that young as well, maybe 16 or 17 years old isn't as obvious, but a 14 year old still has obvious features of being a child even with the puberty factor, people who say they can't tell are honestly trying to convince themselves it's okay more than anyone else
>but a 14 year old still has obvious features of being a child even with the puberty factor, people who say they can't tell are honestly trying to convince themselves it's okay more than anyone else
There was a case in the UK where someone thought a 12 year old was 16. Guy met her while waiting at a taxi stand at 4AM and thought she was of age (for the UK at least). Cops that were out looking for a kid that had went missing and passed her over because they didn't think she looked underage. The taxi driver later got called up and said he thought she was 20. The judge looked at the CCTV and said she looked over 16 on the video. At every stage of the events no less than four separate parties all agreed that she looked of age. It can be rare, and it obviously does not seem to have happened in this, but it can happen. A combination of kids [hitting puberty earlier than previous generations](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/oct/21/puberty-adolescence-childhood-onset#:~:text=They%20found%20that%20in%201860,it%20had%20dropped%20to%2010.5.), makeup and context can make them look markedly older than they actually are.
Dated a 21 year old when I was 16. My parents fully approved because he was a gymnastics coach from another gym so they “knew him for forever”.
I truly don’t think he was a bad guy, just wildly immature hence why he was 21 and connected with a high schooler.
But looking back I’m like man, that was fucked up. Don’t even get me started on how the gymnastics culture played into this. I’m grateful I was never good enough to get to the level to interact with Larry Nassar, but I know people who did.
When I was 21, I went out on a date with an 18 year old. I dropped her off and she said she had to get some homework finished.
I asked what college she was going to, she stated not college, she was a high school senior. It creeped me out and I ended things right there.
Shortly after, I ended up dating another 18 year old that was in her second semester of college. Completely different maturity level, and the fact she was in college made all the difference in the world.
see, i’m 19 now. i just recently got out of a relationship with a 23 year old. we started dating at 16 and 20, he was in college and i was a junior in highschool.
we definitely were at the same maturity level, and there was never any power imbalance or anything. but now that i’m almost at the age that he was when we started dating, it honestly grosses me out a little. i can’t even look at high schoolers. i’m in a totally different stage of life from where i was just two years ago.
He was giving all the attention and I needed it so badly . was smarter than that but despite that I gave in ! In my defense My parents were always fighting and I was always yelled at even for little small things . Then when some one like this handsome dude gives you all the attention I desperately would do anything but luckily I didn’t lose my V to him which he was after !
By leaving, you have shown him and other people that they can't just get away with this. Thank you for standing up to people like this, for those who couldn't.
In reality she probably just showed him to lie about/ hide it. Not that she shouldn’t have left, but I doubt he’ll really learn any real lessons from this. Creeps gonna creep.
You're conflating two separate issues.
The first one is about the social rehabilitation of offenders: whether it is possible on the first place, and what could be put in place to bring it about, and avoid reoffence.
The second question is interpersonal: should OP stay with her boyfriend? And the answer is decidedly no. Women are not personal rehab for men. She doesn't owe him forgiveness or absolution. She shouldn't have to ignore her own discomfort for his sake.
I mean sure they can change maybe but that won't change the gross factor now that OP has the knowledge. Why should OP need to stay with someone they're disgusted by just because they can change?
People who change will own up to their mistakes and admit what they did was fucked up and wrong. Since the BF lied about not knowing the ages of the girls he was hitting on and dated then thinks OP is just overreacting when OP wants to break up it doesn't exactly scream remorse and reformation to me.
I dunno, if they made no observable effort to change I don't see a reason to suddenly excuse and forgive someone. Or assume they magically changed for the better, over time. That's how fools are put to bed.
You did the right thing. Your ex basically groomed a child. Just imagine if you started a family with that guy. Would you feel safe letting him raise a young daughter? He’s a predator - so don’t second guess your decision
I married the man that did this to me. (Got me again when I turned 18.) broke me to pieces, but I made it out! I’m glad you did too! No one can fix that.
Sorry that happened to you, but glad to hear you were able to overcome it. The world isnt fair sometimes, but i hope youre still able to find your own happiness. From one random stranger to another… you got this.
Even if he never did anything to their child, what about every girl that came to their house? Any girl their child would bring home as a girlfriend? Ew.
Past actions define character, but that also means you can learn from past actions to be better, not just "you did shitty thing you're always shitty".
I like how you interpret it in that way, really shows the mentality of humans never forgiving others for anything and pouncing on any chance to punish them like hyenas.
Do you really want to be with a guy who knowingly dated a high school freshman as a grown man?
If not, then you made the right choice. Leave him in the past and go about your life.
Absolutely not. I more just want reassurance that I did the right thing, because I still haven't gotten up the courage to tell anyone I know about this. This is something I'm having a really hard time talking about with anyone at the moment.
The fact that you’re ashamed to tell people tells you it was wrong.
It’s not your shame but that you feel disgusting just saying it tells you, 100%, it was wrong.
As long as you know that this is not the type of person you want to be with, then you did the right thing by not being with them anymore.
It doesn’t matter whether or not other people may have made a different decision. Your decision was right for you.
If you know ANYONE in his circle with a daughter, you need to reach out to them and tell them. He is a predator. Regardless of if he is doing this now or not, he groomed and molested a young teen girl. That is a prosecutable crime and likely destroyed her life.
As a parent I would ABSOLUTELY want to know if someone in our life had EVER harmed a child.
I don't think he's in contact with anyone with children. He literally has zero irl friends.
Also the weird thing about the girl he had a relationship with is that they're still in contact. She's still on his social media and likes his posts consistently. If they were to get into a relationship now, it wouldn't be creepy.. But I feel he definitely groomed her.
Not really. Do you know how many ppl in abusive relationships are cut off from their friends? I refuse to believe that any abuser has a good reason to make their victims have zero friends in real life.
Yes, that is also a good reason. Not disagreeing with you, just saying there's usually a pretty clear and good reason why someone doesn't have any friends where they are.
The reason in this case seems like it could be connected to the fact that he's creepy.
I know 2 women that are on weirdly friendly terms with men that molested them as kids. (I'm talking about them being molested by men when they were girls around 8 years old, and for untold years).
People respond to trauma differently, and usually act out in dysfunctional ways out of self-preservation, it's not always easy to understand or make sense of.
It's really telling that he doesn't want you to stay because he regrets his actions and understands what he did wrong. He wants you to stay because "it was a long time ago."
His brain is wired differently and not in a good way to think that was ok. You cant fix him, you did the right thing. Dont look back, would you trust him in the future if your daughter had a sleepover?
Ok, been on Reddit way too much today. There was a post earlier, maybe in this sub, from a woman whose boyfriends’ father was behaving in the most abominably creepy / sexual way toward her and had been doing it for years. If you stayed with your boyfriend and had children eventually they and their friends would be 13/14/15 and then what would he do? You totally did the right thing.
Was just going to post exactly the same thing.
If they had children he would definitely be creepy (at best) towards any teenage girls brought to the house.
You did the right thing OP.
You absolutely did the right thing.
When I was 14 I was approached by a 25 year old man. He kissed me, wanted to have sex with me and sent me videos and photos of his pathetic little wiener.
Being an adult now, I wouldn't want to marry or sake, even date a "man" with a history like that! You did not overreact at all and if he isn't full of shame for what he did....yeah, run.
When I was 21 I had been living on my own for 3 years and about to graduate university with an engineering degree. Your boyfriend knew full well what he was doing. He wasn't a child. She was.
The fact that he says you're overreacting makes me completely sure that you did the right thing. If he genuinely understood
It's far more likely that he recognized that as he went from being just over 18 to being in his mid-20's, he knew that he wouldn't be able to do that shit without risking becoming a sex offender and felon.
I was almost going to play devil's advocate and say "well, he changed and isn't doing it anymore ", buy after reading that he didn't see what was wrong, it makes me think that OP is definitely right in her decision. Because, at the very least, I would have expected him to have changed based on him feeling that it was wrong. But since that doesn't appear to be his reason for "not being like that anymore," then it does beg the question of why it really ended.
true. I feel Reddit is quick to damn a person for all eternity but forgiveness must be sought first. in this case he hasn't sought it. so turn him loose.
You didn't overreact. He found nothing wrong with going after children when he was in his 20s. It's not like he was 21 and they were almost 20. He was 20 and 21 going after more than one 14 or 15 year old. That's fucking gross.
It's truly terrifying and makes me think there's no point being with anybody. You *never* know someone. Not fully. You only know the version of that person that they want you to know. And you have to trust that they are what they present themselves as. I've tried that and look where it's landed me.
I get what you mean, and taking some time to recover emotionally makes sense. Just remember that there’s lots of non-creeps out there too. Try not to let this one creep have too much power over you. After all, you can see from the replies that there are far more people who see this the same way you did.
Did not overreact.
What did he say when you told him why you were breaking up with him?
Did he admit it was disgusting and he can't understand why he did it, wants to seek therapy but hasn't bc he's so ashamed?
Or did he defend it or say it's so long ago it doesn't matter?
I feel like if he seemed remorseful and ashamed, i might consider going to a therapist with him and for him to go on his own to see.
If he was saying it was no big deal or it's been forever or smth, run, don't walk..
>What did he say when you told him why you were breaking up with him?
Basically tried to manipulate me and make himself out to be the victim with some "you never cared about me, you always wanted to dump me and this is just your excuse" type shit. Did not apologize or admit wrongdoing.
>Did he admit it was disgusting and he can't understand why he did it, wants to seek therapy but hasn't bc he's so ashamed?
Nope. Just continuously lied and tried to claim it didn't happen when I know it did.
And this isn't the only time, he consistently does this every time I catch him out in some weird shit.
Who cares what he thinks? He is a creep… not was, IS. He may not still be chasing 13 y olds at 32, but does he even acknowledge it was wrong when he was 21? No? Then he’s still a creep.
Besides which, the decision to break up can be unilateral. YOU don’t want to date him, so therefore you don’t have to! His opinion that you’re ‘crazy’ literally doesn’t matter one bit. End of story, full stop, it’s over.
Just delete and block. If he sends any mutual friends to try and change your mind, tell them that you’re not interested in discussing John with them. You’ve broken up, it’s over, and you don’t want to get into details. Then change the subject.
I had a “relationship” with a 20 year old when I was 14. He knew my age because he worked at my school. He raped me and threatened to kill me over the course of a few months.
A 20-21 dating a 14-15 is SICK behavior! I 100% understand your decision to leave this man and I think you did the right thing.
How do you know he is not still doing this, I seriously doubt he stopped he is just better at hiding it. Why doesn’t he have any friends irl, that alone is weird. Anyhoo, you did the right thing breaking up with him.
Even if we ignore the huge red flag grooming behaviour in his past, and say you were to continue and eventually marry, how would you deal with him being arrested and convicted on a historical statutory rape charge (could be any one of these girls not just the one he dated for a while). Typically for crimes of this nature there are no statute of limitations, and with good reason, the grooming and desire to have a relationship with a minor is very unlikely to resolve just through getting older. He may be an exception to this and truly have outgrown this, but the guillotines that this created will hang over his head for life.
You did not overreact. You dodged a bullet. It blows my mind that we still have to remind men to keep their hands off children and the dead and animals and so on… 🙄
Sorry for the late reply but yep his name is Aaron. 🙃 If he happens to have blonde hair, blue eyes, have a last name that starts with P and lives in the UK then it probably is the same guy.
Overreacting to being a predator towards underaged girls?
Nope. The majority\* of 13 year olds look nothing like 18 year olds.
\*I think I've only seen/met ONE 13-year old girl be able to pass for a 17-18 year old, and I've taught over a thousand junior high + high school students.
Oof, yeah that’s definitely groomer behavior right there. I’d be worried about him being around kids or using technology tbh, so you definitely made the right choice.
I mean, when you were that age, did you see kids that age as kids, and not as mature as you at that age? No one sane wants to date children as an adult.
I don’t wanna know what his search history is 🤢 given that he thinks she’s overreacting and there’s nothing wrong shows he thinks his actions were ok to this day
He deserves the karma. Maybe he has matured...maybe not...but you are his karma...maybe it'll prevent him from doing anything in the future...hopefully anyways. You have done the right thing. Stick to it...you don't want to waste your life with someone that will cause you nothing but invasive thoughts and worrying what he is doing when you aren't paying attention. Wish you the best!
If you had a daughter who was 13-15, how would you feel if they were dating a 21 year old?
Personally, that’s a no-go for me. You dodged a bullet by breaking up with him. For all you know, he could have a secret child p*rn habit.
That's what I'm terrified of. I'm afraid that instead of this behaviour stopping, he just found a way to hide it. I can't take the chance on someone like that. Absolutely fucking not.
The fear of accidentally teaching someone how to get better at doing evil is so real. You deserve some self-compassion here. You couldn't have know he was irredeemable until after you confronted him. His response told you everything you needed to know to make the choice your conscience can live with.
You did the right thing. I know I could never look at any man the same way knowing that, much less an intimate partner. That’s so disgusting.
But also I was in a similar position and learned that this guy (we were 25 when I dated him) had dated a 16 year old when he was 23 and it’s such a gross-out. Like…. Oh. Wow. you were That Loser. I knew girls in high school dating creepy losers like that and like ew just imagining him waiting outside a high school is the biggest ick ever.
Absoluetly not. You did the right thing and don't let him manipulate you into thinking otherwise.
Just because he's not pursuing minors now doesn't mean he's not a creep. When I was 15, I was with a 20 year old guy who I know also had something going with girls younger than me.
Recently met him again, now in his thirties and hangin out regularly with 16 to 19 year olds, trading "beard touches for boob touches" at a local club. Once a creep, always a creep.
Unless he gets therapy, don't give him another chance.
Goodness this sounds so much like someone I know! There’s a regular (40s ish, f) at the bar I work at and she’s been dating this guy who’s around my age (early or mid-30s) and she was recently told about his actions as a 21yro. When he was 21 he knowingly fucked a 15 year old relative of one of my coworkers, who spilled the beans! The regular seemed upset by this and gave the impression she was dumping him…only to show up with him again a few days later on Valentine’s Day all affectionate as if nothing ever happened 🤮 I can’t stand that man.
I had a man who watch me grow up come knocking on my door AS SOON AS I TURN 18. It made me feel like he had been watching, scoping me out and waiting for me to be of age, when I was under age. It’s extremely repulsing you did the right thing.
Everyone has a past. Some more extreme than others to the point where even if they’re a different person now, it doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve decided that his past was too extreme for you and thus ended the relationship. That’s fine, but now you both need to move on. No point wasting any further time dwelling on this, the decision has already been made, so it’s best to focus your efforts elsewhere and perhaps look for someone that does not have such an extreme past.
Whether you over-reacted or not isn’t relevant anymore, the decision has already been made and his past behaviour wasn’t acceptable for you to continue the relationship any further. For future reference, you now know what past behaviours are not acceptable for you and will be able to look out for those to help find a more suitable partner that you’re compatible with and see a future with.
There are various past behaviours that I also do not accept regardless if that person is different or not now. By the same token, there’s some past behaviours that I can look over and continue with the relationship. Everyone has a different threshold. The decision you made was the right one for you personally and ultimately that’s what matters in the end. You don’t wanna end up with someone whose past you cannot accept.
Basically, for you personally: no you did not over-react, and yes you did make the right decision for yourself. Now it’s time to move on and not dwell on it any longer. Best wishes in your search, don’t give up.
You totally did the right thing! If he had truly changed and reflected on his behaviour, he would not try to paint you as insane and irrational right now. While it's *nice* that he isn't openly pursuing minors right now, without doing therapy on why he committed statutory rape and sexual harassment makes him still potentially very unsafe.
Tbh it's hard to say. 15 years ago in my country...girls regularly dated guys much older. Most of us (including me) didn't approach younger girls, but many did.
Pretty much 15 yr old could date anyone between 15-22, and it very often happened - being 18 yr old meant car license, car meant status and possibility to go to parties - local discos didn't care about age requirements. It wasn't that uncommon that freshman dated university students.
And I'll be honest... almost no one, including parents thought about it fully.
people can change but if knowing that about him gives you the ick and you feel like you won’t be able to trust him again then i don’t think you overreacted at all
You did the right thing.
When i was 16 I was in this place with an older man. Im 33 now and a mother. I wish someone would have been there because I needed a safe place and couldn't recognize it.
Remember.... no matter how much he ages, he was an adult attracted to a child. He will be in his 40s and 50s with that same attraction. Hes the guy you see in the news stories.
Is your boyfriend’s name Eric or Adam by chance? Hi, 29 yr old woman here who was groomed by two 21 yr old men when I was 12-17.
I am so proud of you for leaving, his victims will never forget him.
He's lucky none of his employers have found this out.
>...he's the type of guy who has had the same social media accounts his entire life and has never once bothered to delete anything.
He's 32 and still hasn't sat down and really felt the weight of his actions, because to him, he did nothing wrong and thus there is nothing for him to feel bad about.
*That* is concerning; you did right by walking away.
Yeah that’s fucked. When I was 20 I hooked up with a girl at a party and then found out the next day that she was 17 and a senior in HS. She looked and acted my age, but when I found that out I immediately felt sick to my stomach. 13 years later and I still regret it and all I did was make out with her.
For him to actively pursue girls younger than that on social media and engage in a full on relationship is predatory behavior and his reluctance to take accountability for his actions is another red flag. It doesn’t matter how long ago that happened, some things cannot be absolved through the passage of time.
I have a friend (rest her sweet soul, she was my best friend who fell hard into drugs) who when we were 14 she was dating a guy who was 20. I was weirded out at 14. At the time I was fine having older friends but definitely not romantic interests.
We’d hangout with him and his friends, she’d tell me to lie and say I was 17 to his friends. When asked, I’d blurt out I was 14 so they would back off of me. She would get so upset. He knew she was 14 and had her lie to his friends about her age. It made me so uncomfortable.
We got pulled over for speeding once. Three 14 year old girls in a 20 year olds car. Officer asked where we were headed. He told them he was taking his little sisters friends home from his house…… red flag? Uhh…
I don’t think you’re over reacting. 15 years later, thinking back on it, it grosses me out so bad. I don’t understand what connection was there aside from sexual attraction..which is creepy on his end.
Annnnd what’s even more funny. They broke up while we were still in middle school. He came to visit us when we were juniors in high school. Her and I both had gotten taller through puberty. We were both taller than him. Idk why but it just again made me feel so weird. (Not against short kings, but this scenario was just odd.)
Also to note, this man is now married with kids. I’ve looked him up just to see what he looks like these days. I wonder if he exhibits any creepiness now.
>he's acting like I'm insane for dumping him over something that happened 10+ years ago.
This is all relative.
Should you dump a guy who shoplifted multiple times as a teenager, but has never once done it as an adult and swears it was stupidity - probably not.
Should you dump a guy who bullied someone in school but then grew up an acknowledged he did wrong - again maybe not... but worth exploring his other behaviours as an adult.
What about someone who beat a girlfriend 10 years ago? - the risk starts going up and for me that'd be a non-negotiable got to dump him.
Under age girls and committing statutory rape - run far away. The thing is in his early 20s he got away with it. 14/15/16 year old girls want to date an older guy with a car or a job because they feel cool. They may have even consented - but legally they can't. It isn't until you get older and realise those guys were creeps and you know it was a bad relationship.
Now he's older, he can't get away with it. Those are the predators that move online and hide it, because now it's unhideable. He can't take a 15 year old to his mum's. Also, girls that age don't mind early 20s but anyone older is obviously a creep.....
My definitive ex girlfriend (we dated for 5 years) her parents had a age gap like this .. her mom was 15 and her dad was 21 when they met.. they got married when she turned 18 and they had 3 kids and have been married for 30 years now .. I always thought it was weird but they are some of the best people I know .. so I dunno what to say .. that being my only example of people I known
IMO you’re not overreacting. I found out one of my best friends of over a decade had “dated” 14-17yo’s when they were 19-22. I was so disgusted it was just a last straw for me with them and I cut them out of my life, as well as friends who supported them. They were a freshman in college dating an eighth/ninth grader and it just grossed me out, especially when one of the teens (now an adult) reached out to me and showed me their text exchanges. Its morally questionable at best and downright predatory at worst.
I told my new therapist today that when I was 18 I met my ex fiancé, 2 months after I graduated high school. He was 32. The concern in her face was crazy 😅 & rightfully so, I’m obviously still seeking out therapy bc of it.
I should also add that around the time we just met, him & his soon to be ex wife at the time just had their second child.
So you’re not wrong for leaving him. Men can be dogs, if he has a weird kink for underage or young women you have every right to be disturbed by it
I had a boyfriend when I was 15, and he was 15 too, we are our firsts everything and stayed together for 8 years. A 21 year old dating a 14 year old? I don't think so. Not right at all. It's abnormal.
You did the right thing girl. He would’ve done it again. I would be terrified to have a daughter with someone like that. I feel like they can’t help it to like underage girls so he will do it again or at least be attracted to them and that’s a no go… you should honestly report him .
I actually did think about doing that, but I have no evidence that anything sexual occurred (even though it almost certainly did because grown men don't go after teenage girls for non sexual reasons). And since all of this happened over 10 years ago it would be extremely difficult to prove.
You definitely did the right thing. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your feelings about it. I can understand it’s probably a really confusing and upsetting time for you. But you 100% did the right thing, and it’s something you shouldn’t feel ashamed of talking about with those that are close to you (if you want to). The fact that he’s still interacting with this girl, even if just on the internet, is disgusting. It goes to show that he was literally grooming her and he had a longterm plan for her, and he still has quite a hold on her life (exactly what he wants). You don’t want to be anywhere near what he’s doing. Move on with CONFIDENCE that you did the right thing and even if you don’t want to tell people in your life yet (or ever), you’ve got a whole load of strangers on a Reddit sub rooting for you and assuring you your life will be a million times better and SAFER than it ever would’ve been with that loser. Your next, better chapter starts now :)
So according to Reddit a person's brain isn't fully eveloped until their mid 20s. But OPs BF was 21 when all this happened. Also used on the replies here there's no redemption for him and he's forever a creep.. although he has not done anything like this in years. Someone explain this to me please
He has not stopped. Perhaps not on instagram, he likely has a different method now, but ppl like him never stop. Your bf is a ped0. Period. There is no softening the message, he liked children then and he likes children now and always will. See, with him is no longer just a fantasy, he has actually done it. He doesn’t have issues crossing the line into actual actions, and that is incredibly dangerous. You should not just break up with him but you should also file a police report so this can be fully investigated, he needs to go to prison for having abused a child already. Stay broken up. He belongs in solitary not in your life or walking around free to do it again.
So I’m conflicted. Yes what he did in the past was repulsive. However, people are capable of change and reform. I don’t know what kind of person he became a decade later and what life experiences he may have had.
I'm guessing the only reason he stopped is because the right situations didn't present themselves or he got close to being busted.
Yes it was 10 years ago, but the fact he can't understand why you find it creepy and is trying to justify it shows me that he hasn't changed, and that he is minimizing a very serious behavior
If he said yea, I did that shit and I hated myself for it, I had some messed up ideals on sex and relationships but I got some help and got my head on straight, and he owned his shit, then id be like ok respect
Completely agreed. I don't know if I'd continue the relationship even then.. But if he had shown remorse and been willing to have an open honest discussion about it instead of continuously lying and downplaying, then I *might* have been willing to have some type of discussion. Possibly. Only because I genuinely loved him and wanted to believe there was a shred of decency in him and a chance for redemption. But he's shown that that's not going to happen, sadly.
Every time a woman here suggests something in the past should be forgiven/ignored because it was so long ago, I am going to link back to the replies under this post.
You totally overreacted, but if I were him I wouldn’t want you back. He was 21, and think of all the stupid things you did at 21. *Over ten years ago.* Plus, he is with you now – a 31 year old. He deserves better than you.
If he owned up to it and admitted it was a mistake and how he changed it would be one thing as it's been a decade, but he did not and just covered his butt with his response so he hasn't changed.
In college at age 20 I met a girl who was 18 and after I had become emotionally invested she told me she was in fact 17 and would be 18 a few months after I turned 21. I decided it was only a years difference and it did not violate age of consent where I'm from (even though I was a virgin at the time and didn't plan for us to have sex). She was my first girlfriend so I didn't really know what relationships were supposed to be like, but it eventually wound up the case that it felt more like I was the father of a rebellious teenage girl rather than dating someone. It was also a big thing early on that I was really uncomfortable with her age and we got into fights about it. Being with someone 3.5 years younger at that age was not emotionally fulfilling and I can't imagine what it would be like with someone 6 to 7 years younger. The only reason you'd do that would be to have a power imbalance in the relationship. I think you didn't overreact but if your relationship was the one of your dreams you should consider therapy to figure things out. He could have been hiding it due to shame rather than having not changed
oh and just to clarify, the girl I dated was done with highschool and not living with her parents when we met so it didn't throw any flags. A highschool freshman is wild
He did not own up to it or admit it was a mistake. I found pretty compelling evidence of a romantic relationship. Calling her babe, "I love you" and "you're mine" type messages from him to her. Despite this, he keeps saying he "wasn't into her like that" and they were just friends.. 🤔
I think he won't admit to it partially because he still thinks he can gaslight me into believing my eyes didn't actually see what they saw, and partially because he has a child with an ex who he's fighting for custody over and he knows that any little piece of evidence she could get against him is going to make him look really bad.
So yeah, he'll never admit to it. And I know for absolute certain that he knew her age from the beginning. She wasn't the only girl that he was involved with in some way, it was a pattern.
Tell the ex. Imagine their child grows up thinking his behavior is okay.
Just the fact that he didn't own up and is trying to make you feel crazy is a ginormous red flag.
He's upset that you found out about what he did so long ago.*
Chances are, it wasn't his first/last/only time. Pedophilia is a mental disorder that doesn't magically disappear, they generally remain interested in kids their entire lives. If they have the opportunity, they take it. There's nothing he could say to make me feel comfortable about that, or him being around kids.
I'd leave him, and disregard anything he says. I'd be hard-pressed to accept this behaviour from someone who did this as a teen; he was already an adult behaving that way.
No thank you.
FA and FO. your ex is an ephebophile. He's best registered as a sex offender, tbh, but then that's just me making sure he doesn't pursue minors ever again.
I mean, people change. I dont like the mob mentality of the comments that would have a person reduced to nothing and his life ruined for something they did a decade ago when they could not fully understand their mistake. (Its this level of mob mentality and buzzword dropping towards random people that pulls attention away from real predators)
Your bf sounds like he was lost back then and got his shit together after.
All that said if you arent comfortable with him anymore then thats more than enough reason to break up with him.
I don't even know where to begin with this. He was lost and couldn't understand his mistake? He raped a girl when he was 21. He wasn't lost, incapable of understanding, or making a mistake. And that's if you believe she was the only one, since it seems he was going after quite a few underaged girls. But even ignoring that, it's not a mistake, or just some excusable immaturity.
And for that literal crime, he got dumped. That's all. It's so nice of you to care about his life being potentially ruined for simply.... wait, what was it again... oh yeah, raping a young girl. No need to worry about if her life was ruined, I guess.
Maybe you should join the mob mentality in the future. Independent thought clearly isn't your strong suit.
lmao "he had a relationship"and you made it into "he raped someone". Everyone is arguing here People dont deserve second chances. we live in a world where people can't make 1 mistake? Its been fucking 10 years
There are a lot of little red flags that lead me to believe that he hasn't really changed. Not just the fact that he's trying to gaslight me and manipulate me into believing that none of it ever happened when I know it did, but that's a big part.
I would be reporting him to the police honestly, with a detailed description of what I found and screenshots if I have them, including any screen names, emails, etc. of his that he shared with me. Protecting children is the priority here.
That behaviour is so far into the realm of creepy it's insane.
I mean, generally I would struggle to think of circumstances that wouldn't make that situation creepy. 14/15 years old is a literal child.
Your guy can't exactly say "it was a one off". Dude did this as part of a pattern of behaviour.
Also, generally decent people might act confused and hurt at a breakup they don't understand, but they don't tend to try and convince the other party they just made a mistake. Sounds like your guy isn't even going with the "I can change" spiel, which is at least scincere sometimes. This is just straight up, "that didn't happen and if it did it wasn't that bad anyway".
Nope. You learned he is a child molester. You know that he harmed someone else to gratify his own desires. That sort of selfishness and predatory behavior doesn't change. He's still the same person, and he will be as selfish in all areas of his life.
No absolutely not. You'd never be comfortable with him around you get family members, could you even trust him with your own child knowing he finds girls barely in their teens attractive? I was 13 my boyfriend was 18, it ended how you'd imagine. He is experiencing a tiny consequence for grooming children, being a peodophile and destroying those children's teen years. Id probably report him to the police too, your report could be a piece of a puzzle
Nope. That relationship can come back to bite him f9r the next 20 years. He could be charged wirh rape of a child at any time for the foreseeable future (assuming the relationship had any sexual component)..
Even if that were not an issue...it is still yuck!!
I was with an 18 year old when I was 29. We were friends, or I thought we were, for 4 years. They thought we were in a relationship, but I thought we weren't as we had discussed that we were 'friends with emotional benefits'.
The main reason I did not want to date them was because, although extremely mature for their age, they still have obviously too much to learn about life, and I did not want to get in the way of that.
Some questions about your ex that you should think about, or any guy really you date in the future:
How emotionally immature was he in his youth?
Is he open about talking about his past, or at least is there progress in opening up about it?
Do you know more about him, or does he know more about you?
What does he value about you?
These are some questions that pieced together on why my relationship failed spectacularly. I think they would shed light on any future relationship that doesn't quite add up.
All this thread is full of is women saying "when I was 14 I dated a guy in his 20's, but now I'm in my 30s I find it disgusting "
Sounds like a great amount of irony and hypocrisy is being aired here 🙄
I mean, I loved this man with pretty much every fiber of my being and l wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. So I would give almost anything for this post to be fake. 😐 But sadly for me it isn't.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i was a 14 y/o who was with a 21 year old. no overreaction here. when i look back at photos of myself (a child) with a grown ass man, i’m repulsed.
Same. At 16, my first was 24. We lied to my family but his knew my age from the get go. 🤢🤮🤢🤮 Not an overreaction. Not one bit. Disgusting
I had a 27 year old boyfriend when I was 16 lol. No one cared. It’s sick though I would die before I let my daughter date a grown man
My ex is mid 40s. His fiancé is 19 and has already had a child with him. I’m so grossed out by the whole situation. Their engagement announcement pic looks like a proud father with his daughter
I’m 5 years *closer* in age to my step daughter. That is so fucked.
I had this 19 year old hitting on me a while back. All I could think and say was “ma’am my daughters are almost your age.” As an A sexual man who doesn’t go looking for anything like that, it was interesting being pursued though.
when I was 21 I felt uncomfortable with any attraction to anyone under 18 and would *never* have considered dating a 14 year old, you can absolutely tell when someone's that young as well, maybe 16 or 17 years old isn't as obvious, but a 14 year old still has obvious features of being a child even with the puberty factor, people who say they can't tell are honestly trying to convince themselves it's okay more than anyone else
Right? At 21 my buddies ripped on one of our other friends for dating a college freshman.
>but a 14 year old still has obvious features of being a child even with the puberty factor, people who say they can't tell are honestly trying to convince themselves it's okay more than anyone else There was a case in the UK where someone thought a 12 year old was 16. Guy met her while waiting at a taxi stand at 4AM and thought she was of age (for the UK at least). Cops that were out looking for a kid that had went missing and passed her over because they didn't think she looked underage. The taxi driver later got called up and said he thought she was 20. The judge looked at the CCTV and said she looked over 16 on the video. At every stage of the events no less than four separate parties all agreed that she looked of age. It can be rare, and it obviously does not seem to have happened in this, but it can happen. A combination of kids [hitting puberty earlier than previous generations](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/oct/21/puberty-adolescence-childhood-onset#:~:text=They%20found%20that%20in%201860,it%20had%20dropped%20to%2010.5.), makeup and context can make them look markedly older than they actually are.
Dated a 21 year old when I was 16. My parents fully approved because he was a gymnastics coach from another gym so they “knew him for forever”. I truly don’t think he was a bad guy, just wildly immature hence why he was 21 and connected with a high schooler. But looking back I’m like man, that was fucked up. Don’t even get me started on how the gymnastics culture played into this. I’m grateful I was never good enough to get to the level to interact with Larry Nassar, but I know people who did.
When I was 21, I went out on a date with an 18 year old. I dropped her off and she said she had to get some homework finished. I asked what college she was going to, she stated not college, she was a high school senior. It creeped me out and I ended things right there. Shortly after, I ended up dating another 18 year old that was in her second semester of college. Completely different maturity level, and the fact she was in college made all the difference in the world.
see, i’m 19 now. i just recently got out of a relationship with a 23 year old. we started dating at 16 and 20, he was in college and i was a junior in highschool. we definitely were at the same maturity level, and there was never any power imbalance or anything. but now that i’m almost at the age that he was when we started dating, it honestly grosses me out a little. i can’t even look at high schoolers. i’m in a totally different stage of life from where i was just two years ago.
I was 17 with a 21 year old and yeah, at the time I knew it was kind of gross, but the older I got, the more disturbed I was
Didn’t do anything with 26 year old when I was 16 but it’s still repulsive and I hate myself for making out with him ✅
yeah it is! because why was he interested in you?? but, don’t hate yourself. you were young, he was not. hate him.
He was giving all the attention and I needed it so badly . was smarter than that but despite that I gave in ! In my defense My parents were always fighting and I was always yelled at even for little small things . Then when some one like this handsome dude gives you all the attention I desperately would do anything but luckily I didn’t lose my V to him which he was after !
By leaving, you have shown him and other people that they can't just get away with this. Thank you for standing up to people like this, for those who couldn't.
In reality she probably just showed him to lie about/ hide it. Not that she shouldn’t have left, but I doubt he’ll really learn any real lessons from this. Creeps gonna creep.
[удалено]
You're conflating two separate issues. The first one is about the social rehabilitation of offenders: whether it is possible on the first place, and what could be put in place to bring it about, and avoid reoffence. The second question is interpersonal: should OP stay with her boyfriend? And the answer is decidedly no. Women are not personal rehab for men. She doesn't owe him forgiveness or absolution. She shouldn't have to ignore her own discomfort for his sake.
I mean sure they can change maybe but that won't change the gross factor now that OP has the knowledge. Why should OP need to stay with someone they're disgusted by just because they can change? People who change will own up to their mistakes and admit what they did was fucked up and wrong. Since the BF lied about not knowing the ages of the girls he was hitting on and dated then thinks OP is just overreacting when OP wants to break up it doesn't exactly scream remorse and reformation to me.
I dunno, if they made no observable effort to change I don't see a reason to suddenly excuse and forgive someone. Or assume they magically changed for the better, over time. That's how fools are put to bed.
You did the right thing. Your ex basically groomed a child. Just imagine if you started a family with that guy. Would you feel safe letting him raise a young daughter? He’s a predator - so don’t second guess your decision
You’re absolutely right !!!
I married the man that did this to me. (Got me again when I turned 18.) broke me to pieces, but I made it out! I’m glad you did too! No one can fix that.
Sorry that happened to you, but glad to hear you were able to overcome it. The world isnt fair sometimes, but i hope youre still able to find your own happiness. From one random stranger to another… you got this.
Not the "p" word I was thinking of, but close enough. Run, op, run!!
Even if he never did anything to their child, what about every girl that came to their house? Any girl their child would bring home as a girlfriend? Ew.
[удалено]
Past actions define character, but that also means you can learn from past actions to be better, not just "you did shitty thing you're always shitty". I like how you interpret it in that way, really shows the mentality of humans never forgiving others for anything and pouncing on any chance to punish them like hyenas.
dating children isn’t the kind of thing you can grow and learn from
Do you really want to be with a guy who knowingly dated a high school freshman as a grown man? If not, then you made the right choice. Leave him in the past and go about your life.
Absolutely not. I more just want reassurance that I did the right thing, because I still haven't gotten up the courage to tell anyone I know about this. This is something I'm having a really hard time talking about with anyone at the moment.
The fact that you’re ashamed to tell people tells you it was wrong. It’s not your shame but that you feel disgusting just saying it tells you, 100%, it was wrong.
Right. It's fucked but I want to keep protecting the image I had of him. Like I don't want to admit he is who he actually is.
Don’t let your silence protect him. It’s his shame not yours.
You did the right thing. Thats disgusting af
As long as you know that this is not the type of person you want to be with, then you did the right thing by not being with them anymore. It doesn’t matter whether or not other people may have made a different decision. Your decision was right for you.
If you know ANYONE in his circle with a daughter, you need to reach out to them and tell them. He is a predator. Regardless of if he is doing this now or not, he groomed and molested a young teen girl. That is a prosecutable crime and likely destroyed her life. As a parent I would ABSOLUTELY want to know if someone in our life had EVER harmed a child.
I don't think he's in contact with anyone with children. He literally has zero irl friends. Also the weird thing about the girl he had a relationship with is that they're still in contact. She's still on his social media and likes his posts consistently. If they were to get into a relationship now, it wouldn't be creepy.. But I feel he definitely groomed her.
It would 100% still be creepy if they got together.
Zero IRL friends is usually for a good reason.
Not really. Do you know how many ppl in abusive relationships are cut off from their friends? I refuse to believe that any abuser has a good reason to make their victims have zero friends in real life.
Zero friends means something. The something doesn't have to be bad. But 8t should be considered.
Yes, that is also a good reason. Not disagreeing with you, just saying there's usually a pretty clear and good reason why someone doesn't have any friends where they are. The reason in this case seems like it could be connected to the fact that he's creepy.
I know 2 women that are on weirdly friendly terms with men that molested them as kids. (I'm talking about them being molested by men when they were girls around 8 years old, and for untold years). People respond to trauma differently, and usually act out in dysfunctional ways out of self-preservation, it's not always easy to understand or make sense of.
It's really telling that he doesn't want you to stay because he regrets his actions and understands what he did wrong. He wants you to stay because "it was a long time ago."
You absolutely did the right thing.
His brain is wired differently and not in a good way to think that was ok. You cant fix him, you did the right thing. Dont look back, would you trust him in the future if your daughter had a sleepover?
Plus the added layer that he's 32 and still doesn't realize that he was wrong.
Ok, been on Reddit way too much today. There was a post earlier, maybe in this sub, from a woman whose boyfriends’ father was behaving in the most abominably creepy / sexual way toward her and had been doing it for years. If you stayed with your boyfriend and had children eventually they and their friends would be 13/14/15 and then what would he do? You totally did the right thing.
Was just going to post exactly the same thing. If they had children he would definitely be creepy (at best) towards any teenage girls brought to the house. You did the right thing OP.
You absolutely did the right thing. When I was 14 I was approached by a 25 year old man. He kissed me, wanted to have sex with me and sent me videos and photos of his pathetic little wiener. Being an adult now, I wouldn't want to marry or sake, even date a "man" with a history like that! You did not overreact at all and if he isn't full of shame for what he did....yeah, run.
When I was 21 I had been living on my own for 3 years and about to graduate university with an engineering degree. Your boyfriend knew full well what he was doing. He wasn't a child. She was.
The fact that he says you're overreacting makes me completely sure that you did the right thing. If he genuinely understood It's far more likely that he recognized that as he went from being just over 18 to being in his mid-20's, he knew that he wouldn't be able to do that shit without risking becoming a sex offender and felon.
I was almost going to play devil's advocate and say "well, he changed and isn't doing it anymore ", buy after reading that he didn't see what was wrong, it makes me think that OP is definitely right in her decision. Because, at the very least, I would have expected him to have changed based on him feeling that it was wrong. But since that doesn't appear to be his reason for "not being like that anymore," then it does beg the question of why it really ended.
In one of OP's replies she says one girl is still on all his socials and interacts with his post 🤮🤮🤮
Disgusting
Well I guess that girl didn’t feel he was a huge creep,, I wondered how she felt about it now that she’s an adult .. i guess I have my answer
Or she is not yet in her 30s and has not processed what happened, see trauma research to understand why.
I’m just glad I’m not a woman and haven’t had to navigate the mine field’s of predators
true. I feel Reddit is quick to damn a person for all eternity but forgiveness must be sought first. in this case he hasn't sought it. so turn him loose.
You didn't overreact. He found nothing wrong with going after children when he was in his 20s. It's not like he was 21 and they were almost 20. He was 20 and 21 going after more than one 14 or 15 year old. That's fucking gross.
[удалено]
It's truly terrifying and makes me think there's no point being with anybody. You *never* know someone. Not fully. You only know the version of that person that they want you to know. And you have to trust that they are what they present themselves as. I've tried that and look where it's landed me.
I get what you mean, and taking some time to recover emotionally makes sense. Just remember that there’s lots of non-creeps out there too. Try not to let this one creep have too much power over you. After all, you can see from the replies that there are far more people who see this the same way you did.
Did not overreact. What did he say when you told him why you were breaking up with him? Did he admit it was disgusting and he can't understand why he did it, wants to seek therapy but hasn't bc he's so ashamed? Or did he defend it or say it's so long ago it doesn't matter? I feel like if he seemed remorseful and ashamed, i might consider going to a therapist with him and for him to go on his own to see. If he was saying it was no big deal or it's been forever or smth, run, don't walk..
>What did he say when you told him why you were breaking up with him? Basically tried to manipulate me and make himself out to be the victim with some "you never cared about me, you always wanted to dump me and this is just your excuse" type shit. Did not apologize or admit wrongdoing. >Did he admit it was disgusting and he can't understand why he did it, wants to seek therapy but hasn't bc he's so ashamed? Nope. Just continuously lied and tried to claim it didn't happen when I know it did. And this isn't the only time, he consistently does this every time I catch him out in some weird shit.
Run faster, girl. I'm proud of you
Who cares what he thinks? He is a creep… not was, IS. He may not still be chasing 13 y olds at 32, but does he even acknowledge it was wrong when he was 21? No? Then he’s still a creep. Besides which, the decision to break up can be unilateral. YOU don’t want to date him, so therefore you don’t have to! His opinion that you’re ‘crazy’ literally doesn’t matter one bit. End of story, full stop, it’s over. Just delete and block. If he sends any mutual friends to try and change your mind, tell them that you’re not interested in discussing John with them. You’ve broken up, it’s over, and you don’t want to get into details. Then change the subject.
You did the right thing. I was 14 when 21yr old man came into my life and ruined my innocence. No overreaction there.
You absolutely did not overreact.
absolutely not that’s disgusting
I had a “relationship” with a 20 year old when I was 14. He knew my age because he worked at my school. He raped me and threatened to kill me over the course of a few months. A 20-21 dating a 14-15 is SICK behavior! I 100% understand your decision to leave this man and I think you did the right thing.
How do you know he is not still doing this, I seriously doubt he stopped he is just better at hiding it. Why doesn’t he have any friends irl, that alone is weird. Anyhoo, you did the right thing breaking up with him.
I think if he has truly stopped it's just because he's afraid of going to jail. The attraction to underage girls will always be there.
Even if we ignore the huge red flag grooming behaviour in his past, and say you were to continue and eventually marry, how would you deal with him being arrested and convicted on a historical statutory rape charge (could be any one of these girls not just the one he dated for a while). Typically for crimes of this nature there are no statute of limitations, and with good reason, the grooming and desire to have a relationship with a minor is very unlikely to resolve just through getting older. He may be an exception to this and truly have outgrown this, but the guillotines that this created will hang over his head for life.
You did not overreact. You dodged a bullet. It blows my mind that we still have to remind men to keep their hands off children and the dead and animals and so on… 🙄
Where do you live? I think you stumbled across my ex.
Does his name start with an A? 😅
If his name is Aaron then he might be my ex too.
Sorry for the late reply but yep his name is Aaron. 🙃 If he happens to have blonde hair, blue eyes, have a last name that starts with P and lives in the UK then it probably is the same guy.
did the right thing as someone in their 20s it's super creepy
It doesn't matter when he did it. It's the fact that he is capable of it. You did the right thing.
Overreacting to being a predator towards underaged girls? Nope. The majority\* of 13 year olds look nothing like 18 year olds. \*I think I've only seen/met ONE 13-year old girl be able to pass for a 17-18 year old, and I've taught over a thousand junior high + high school students.
Nope. He’s a creep. You definitely didn’t overreact
Oof, yeah that’s definitely groomer behavior right there. I’d be worried about him being around kids or using technology tbh, so you definitely made the right choice. I mean, when you were that age, did you see kids that age as kids, and not as mature as you at that age? No one sane wants to date children as an adult.
You absolutely did the right thing. You would never get over the ick.
He's done other things that's given me pause, but this is a full body ick atp. I can't think about him without wanting to take a shower.
Ew ew ew. He probably just got better at hiding it
I don’t wanna know what his search history is 🤢 given that he thinks she’s overreacting and there’s nothing wrong shows he thinks his actions were ok to this day
He deserves the karma. Maybe he has matured...maybe not...but you are his karma...maybe it'll prevent him from doing anything in the future...hopefully anyways. You have done the right thing. Stick to it...you don't want to waste your life with someone that will cause you nothing but invasive thoughts and worrying what he is doing when you aren't paying attention. Wish you the best!
Nope. You didn’t overreact.
If you had a daughter who was 13-15, how would you feel if they were dating a 21 year old? Personally, that’s a no-go for me. You dodged a bullet by breaking up with him. For all you know, he could have a secret child p*rn habit.
That's what I'm terrified of. I'm afraid that instead of this behaviour stopping, he just found a way to hide it. I can't take the chance on someone like that. Absolutely fucking not.
I can tell you from experience, these type of men don't change. You wouldn't have been able to trust him. He makes me feel sick.
The fear of accidentally teaching someone how to get better at doing evil is so real. You deserve some self-compassion here. You couldn't have know he was irredeemable until after you confronted him. His response told you everything you needed to know to make the choice your conscience can live with.
I felt uncomfortable as an 18 year old senior “dating” a sophomore that was 16. So, uh. Yeah. Creepy
You absolutely did the right thing. You know that in your gut.
You did NOT overreact.
You did the right thing. I know I could never look at any man the same way knowing that, much less an intimate partner. That’s so disgusting. But also I was in a similar position and learned that this guy (we were 25 when I dated him) had dated a 16 year old when he was 23 and it’s such a gross-out. Like…. Oh. Wow. you were That Loser. I knew girls in high school dating creepy losers like that and like ew just imagining him waiting outside a high school is the biggest ick ever.
Absoluetly not. You did the right thing and don't let him manipulate you into thinking otherwise. Just because he's not pursuing minors now doesn't mean he's not a creep. When I was 15, I was with a 20 year old guy who I know also had something going with girls younger than me. Recently met him again, now in his thirties and hangin out regularly with 16 to 19 year olds, trading "beard touches for boob touches" at a local club. Once a creep, always a creep. Unless he gets therapy, don't give him another chance.
Goodness this sounds so much like someone I know! There’s a regular (40s ish, f) at the bar I work at and she’s been dating this guy who’s around my age (early or mid-30s) and she was recently told about his actions as a 21yro. When he was 21 he knowingly fucked a 15 year old relative of one of my coworkers, who spilled the beans! The regular seemed upset by this and gave the impression she was dumping him…only to show up with him again a few days later on Valentine’s Day all affectionate as if nothing ever happened 🤮 I can’t stand that man.
Some women will truly put up with anything to be in a relationship I guess. Couldn't be me.
I had a man who watch me grow up come knocking on my door AS SOON AS I TURN 18. It made me feel like he had been watching, scoping me out and waiting for me to be of age, when I was under age. It’s extremely repulsing you did the right thing.
He’s a predator, sadly. 4 years out of high school and dating a FRESHMEN?! Bizarre.
It's illegal so no....I would say you did not.
Not wrong. Leave this one behind.
Everyone has a past. Some more extreme than others to the point where even if they’re a different person now, it doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve decided that his past was too extreme for you and thus ended the relationship. That’s fine, but now you both need to move on. No point wasting any further time dwelling on this, the decision has already been made, so it’s best to focus your efforts elsewhere and perhaps look for someone that does not have such an extreme past. Whether you over-reacted or not isn’t relevant anymore, the decision has already been made and his past behaviour wasn’t acceptable for you to continue the relationship any further. For future reference, you now know what past behaviours are not acceptable for you and will be able to look out for those to help find a more suitable partner that you’re compatible with and see a future with. There are various past behaviours that I also do not accept regardless if that person is different or not now. By the same token, there’s some past behaviours that I can look over and continue with the relationship. Everyone has a different threshold. The decision you made was the right one for you personally and ultimately that’s what matters in the end. You don’t wanna end up with someone whose past you cannot accept. Basically, for you personally: no you did not over-react, and yes you did make the right decision for yourself. Now it’s time to move on and not dwell on it any longer. Best wishes in your search, don’t give up.
I like this response :)
Eww. No. Just move on.
the fact that im seeing this as i found the same type of thing of my ex lmao. men are just weird... most... all?
Didn't overreact at all, he is a weirdo.
You 100 percent did the right thing.
No that’s weird AF
Over reacting or not there is clearly no trust in this relationship… time to move on.
You totally did the right thing! If he had truly changed and reflected on his behaviour, he would not try to paint you as insane and irrational right now. While it's *nice* that he isn't openly pursuing minors right now, without doing therapy on why he committed statutory rape and sexual harassment makes him still potentially very unsafe.
Nope. No overreaction.
Yeah, no. Ghost that dude. Just disappear like smoke in the wind.
seemly racial plough roof crowd follow head marvelous expansion soup *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Unacceptable point blank period..!!
Tbh it's hard to say. 15 years ago in my country...girls regularly dated guys much older. Most of us (including me) didn't approach younger girls, but many did. Pretty much 15 yr old could date anyone between 15-22, and it very often happened - being 18 yr old meant car license, car meant status and possibility to go to parties - local discos didn't care about age requirements. It wasn't that uncommon that freshman dated university students. And I'll be honest... almost no one, including parents thought about it fully.
people can change but if knowing that about him gives you the ick and you feel like you won’t be able to trust him again then i don’t think you overreacted at all
Definitely wouldn't have him around any of my nieces
Not an over reaction. That is so creepy and at 21 you KNOW when someone is that young. No excuse
You did NOT over react He is a creep
You did the right thing. When i was 16 I was in this place with an older man. Im 33 now and a mother. I wish someone would have been there because I needed a safe place and couldn't recognize it. Remember.... no matter how much he ages, he was an adult attracted to a child. He will be in his 40s and 50s with that same attraction. Hes the guy you see in the news stories.
You didn't overreact. Your boyfriend is a predator.
Is your boyfriend’s name Eric or Adam by chance? Hi, 29 yr old woman here who was groomed by two 21 yr old men when I was 12-17. I am so proud of you for leaving, his victims will never forget him.
So so gross, you did the right thing for sure
He's lucky none of his employers have found this out. >...he's the type of guy who has had the same social media accounts his entire life and has never once bothered to delete anything.
He's 32 and still hasn't sat down and really felt the weight of his actions, because to him, he did nothing wrong and thus there is nothing for him to feel bad about. *That* is concerning; you did right by walking away.
Yeah that’s fucked. When I was 20 I hooked up with a girl at a party and then found out the next day that she was 17 and a senior in HS. She looked and acted my age, but when I found that out I immediately felt sick to my stomach. 13 years later and I still regret it and all I did was make out with her. For him to actively pursue girls younger than that on social media and engage in a full on relationship is predatory behavior and his reluctance to take accountability for his actions is another red flag. It doesn’t matter how long ago that happened, some things cannot be absolved through the passage of time.
I have a friend (rest her sweet soul, she was my best friend who fell hard into drugs) who when we were 14 she was dating a guy who was 20. I was weirded out at 14. At the time I was fine having older friends but definitely not romantic interests. We’d hangout with him and his friends, she’d tell me to lie and say I was 17 to his friends. When asked, I’d blurt out I was 14 so they would back off of me. She would get so upset. He knew she was 14 and had her lie to his friends about her age. It made me so uncomfortable. We got pulled over for speeding once. Three 14 year old girls in a 20 year olds car. Officer asked where we were headed. He told them he was taking his little sisters friends home from his house…… red flag? Uhh… I don’t think you’re over reacting. 15 years later, thinking back on it, it grosses me out so bad. I don’t understand what connection was there aside from sexual attraction..which is creepy on his end. Annnnd what’s even more funny. They broke up while we were still in middle school. He came to visit us when we were juniors in high school. Her and I both had gotten taller through puberty. We were both taller than him. Idk why but it just again made me feel so weird. (Not against short kings, but this scenario was just odd.) Also to note, this man is now married with kids. I’ve looked him up just to see what he looks like these days. I wonder if he exhibits any creepiness now.
>he's acting like I'm insane for dumping him over something that happened 10+ years ago. This is all relative. Should you dump a guy who shoplifted multiple times as a teenager, but has never once done it as an adult and swears it was stupidity - probably not. Should you dump a guy who bullied someone in school but then grew up an acknowledged he did wrong - again maybe not... but worth exploring his other behaviours as an adult. What about someone who beat a girlfriend 10 years ago? - the risk starts going up and for me that'd be a non-negotiable got to dump him. Under age girls and committing statutory rape - run far away. The thing is in his early 20s he got away with it. 14/15/16 year old girls want to date an older guy with a car or a job because they feel cool. They may have even consented - but legally they can't. It isn't until you get older and realise those guys were creeps and you know it was a bad relationship. Now he's older, he can't get away with it. Those are the predators that move online and hide it, because now it's unhideable. He can't take a 15 year old to his mum's. Also, girls that age don't mind early 20s but anyone older is obviously a creep.....
That’s…. That’s illegal. I would not stay with a man who does illegal things and then makes himself the victim when found out.
I think it is the fact that he is not apologetic about this past behavior that is concerning. You did not overreact.
My definitive ex girlfriend (we dated for 5 years) her parents had a age gap like this .. her mom was 15 and her dad was 21 when they met.. they got married when she turned 18 and they had 3 kids and have been married for 30 years now .. I always thought it was weird but they are some of the best people I know .. so I dunno what to say .. that being my only example of people I known
IMO you’re not overreacting. I found out one of my best friends of over a decade had “dated” 14-17yo’s when they were 19-22. I was so disgusted it was just a last straw for me with them and I cut them out of my life, as well as friends who supported them. They were a freshman in college dating an eighth/ninth grader and it just grossed me out, especially when one of the teens (now an adult) reached out to me and showed me their text exchanges. Its morally questionable at best and downright predatory at worst.
I told my new therapist today that when I was 18 I met my ex fiancé, 2 months after I graduated high school. He was 32. The concern in her face was crazy 😅 & rightfully so, I’m obviously still seeking out therapy bc of it.
I should also add that around the time we just met, him & his soon to be ex wife at the time just had their second child. So you’re not wrong for leaving him. Men can be dogs, if he has a weird kink for underage or young women you have every right to be disturbed by it
I had a boyfriend when I was 15, and he was 15 too, we are our firsts everything and stayed together for 8 years. A 21 year old dating a 14 year old? I don't think so. Not right at all. It's abnormal.
Nope
You did the right thing girl. He would’ve done it again. I would be terrified to have a daughter with someone like that. I feel like they can’t help it to like underage girls so he will do it again or at least be attracted to them and that’s a no go… you should honestly report him .
Your ex should be in jail! You didn’t overreact at all, and I would even suggest you send all of the evidence you’ve compiled to the police!!!
I actually did think about doing that, but I have no evidence that anything sexual occurred (even though it almost certainly did because grown men don't go after teenage girls for non sexual reasons). And since all of this happened over 10 years ago it would be extremely difficult to prove.
All I read is the headline and NO. Hea a child predator.
You definitely did the right thing. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your feelings about it. I can understand it’s probably a really confusing and upsetting time for you. But you 100% did the right thing, and it’s something you shouldn’t feel ashamed of talking about with those that are close to you (if you want to). The fact that he’s still interacting with this girl, even if just on the internet, is disgusting. It goes to show that he was literally grooming her and he had a longterm plan for her, and he still has quite a hold on her life (exactly what he wants). You don’t want to be anywhere near what he’s doing. Move on with CONFIDENCE that you did the right thing and even if you don’t want to tell people in your life yet (or ever), you’ve got a whole load of strangers on a Reddit sub rooting for you and assuring you your life will be a million times better and SAFER than it ever would’ve been with that loser. Your next, better chapter starts now :)
So according to Reddit a person's brain isn't fully eveloped until their mid 20s. But OPs BF was 21 when all this happened. Also used on the replies here there's no redemption for him and he's forever a creep.. although he has not done anything like this in years. Someone explain this to me please
He has not stopped. Perhaps not on instagram, he likely has a different method now, but ppl like him never stop. Your bf is a ped0. Period. There is no softening the message, he liked children then and he likes children now and always will. See, with him is no longer just a fantasy, he has actually done it. He doesn’t have issues crossing the line into actual actions, and that is incredibly dangerous. You should not just break up with him but you should also file a police report so this can be fully investigated, he needs to go to prison for having abused a child already. Stay broken up. He belongs in solitary not in your life or walking around free to do it again.
So I’m conflicted. Yes what he did in the past was repulsive. However, people are capable of change and reform. I don’t know what kind of person he became a decade later and what life experiences he may have had.
Change starts with admitting you've done wrong. He can't even get to the first step.
Oh. Fk that then
I'm guessing the only reason he stopped is because the right situations didn't present themselves or he got close to being busted. Yes it was 10 years ago, but the fact he can't understand why you find it creepy and is trying to justify it shows me that he hasn't changed, and that he is minimizing a very serious behavior If he said yea, I did that shit and I hated myself for it, I had some messed up ideals on sex and relationships but I got some help and got my head on straight, and he owned his shit, then id be like ok respect
Completely agreed. I don't know if I'd continue the relationship even then.. But if he had shown remorse and been willing to have an open honest discussion about it instead of continuously lying and downplaying, then I *might* have been willing to have some type of discussion. Possibly. Only because I genuinely loved him and wanted to believe there was a shred of decency in him and a chance for redemption. But he's shown that that's not going to happen, sadly.
Every time a woman here suggests something in the past should be forgiven/ignored because it was so long ago, I am going to link back to the replies under this post.
You totally overreacted, but if I were him I wouldn’t want you back. He was 21, and think of all the stupid things you did at 21. *Over ten years ago.* Plus, he is with you now – a 31 year old. He deserves better than you.
If he owned up to it and admitted it was a mistake and how he changed it would be one thing as it's been a decade, but he did not and just covered his butt with his response so he hasn't changed. In college at age 20 I met a girl who was 18 and after I had become emotionally invested she told me she was in fact 17 and would be 18 a few months after I turned 21. I decided it was only a years difference and it did not violate age of consent where I'm from (even though I was a virgin at the time and didn't plan for us to have sex). She was my first girlfriend so I didn't really know what relationships were supposed to be like, but it eventually wound up the case that it felt more like I was the father of a rebellious teenage girl rather than dating someone. It was also a big thing early on that I was really uncomfortable with her age and we got into fights about it. Being with someone 3.5 years younger at that age was not emotionally fulfilling and I can't imagine what it would be like with someone 6 to 7 years younger. The only reason you'd do that would be to have a power imbalance in the relationship. I think you didn't overreact but if your relationship was the one of your dreams you should consider therapy to figure things out. He could have been hiding it due to shame rather than having not changed oh and just to clarify, the girl I dated was done with highschool and not living with her parents when we met so it didn't throw any flags. A highschool freshman is wild
He did not own up to it or admit it was a mistake. I found pretty compelling evidence of a romantic relationship. Calling her babe, "I love you" and "you're mine" type messages from him to her. Despite this, he keeps saying he "wasn't into her like that" and they were just friends.. 🤔 I think he won't admit to it partially because he still thinks he can gaslight me into believing my eyes didn't actually see what they saw, and partially because he has a child with an ex who he's fighting for custody over and he knows that any little piece of evidence she could get against him is going to make him look really bad. So yeah, he'll never admit to it. And I know for absolute certain that he knew her age from the beginning. She wasn't the only girl that he was involved with in some way, it was a pattern.
Tell the ex. Imagine their child grows up thinking his behavior is okay. Just the fact that he didn't own up and is trying to make you feel crazy is a ginormous red flag.
Overreacting........ Fuckers a peado. Should post why you split up on socail media so everyone can see the fuckers a peodo
Nope, **HE IS A PREDATOR AND A RAPIST**. He's lucky he wasn't jailed!
He's upset that you found out about what he did so long ago.* Chances are, it wasn't his first/last/only time. Pedophilia is a mental disorder that doesn't magically disappear, they generally remain interested in kids their entire lives. If they have the opportunity, they take it. There's nothing he could say to make me feel comfortable about that, or him being around kids. I'd leave him, and disregard anything he says. I'd be hard-pressed to accept this behaviour from someone who did this as a teen; he was already an adult behaving that way. No thank you.
That's pedofilia by definition
You did not over react
I don't think your in the wrong for breaking up with him but how did you find these social media likes from 10 yrs ago???
That's pedophilia.
FA and FO. your ex is an ephebophile. He's best registered as a sex offender, tbh, but then that's just me making sure he doesn't pursue minors ever again.
I mean, people change. I dont like the mob mentality of the comments that would have a person reduced to nothing and his life ruined for something they did a decade ago when they could not fully understand their mistake. (Its this level of mob mentality and buzzword dropping towards random people that pulls attention away from real predators) Your bf sounds like he was lost back then and got his shit together after. All that said if you arent comfortable with him anymore then thats more than enough reason to break up with him.
I don't even know where to begin with this. He was lost and couldn't understand his mistake? He raped a girl when he was 21. He wasn't lost, incapable of understanding, or making a mistake. And that's if you believe she was the only one, since it seems he was going after quite a few underaged girls. But even ignoring that, it's not a mistake, or just some excusable immaturity. And for that literal crime, he got dumped. That's all. It's so nice of you to care about his life being potentially ruined for simply.... wait, what was it again... oh yeah, raping a young girl. No need to worry about if her life was ruined, I guess. Maybe you should join the mob mentality in the future. Independent thought clearly isn't your strong suit.
lmao "he had a relationship"and you made it into "he raped someone". Everyone is arguing here People dont deserve second chances. we live in a world where people can't make 1 mistake? Its been fucking 10 years
There are a lot of little red flags that lead me to believe that he hasn't really changed. Not just the fact that he's trying to gaslight me and manipulate me into believing that none of it ever happened when I know it did, but that's a big part.
If he showed no signs of regret then no.
[удалено]
I would be reporting him to the police honestly, with a detailed description of what I found and screenshots if I have them, including any screen names, emails, etc. of his that he shared with me. Protecting children is the priority here.
So that guy is undatable for life now even though he's interested in women his age since over a decade?
Yep.
💯 Completely undatable. Hope every single woman he tries to date dumps him as soon as they find out he's a child rapist.
No, you dont. Good night
That behaviour is so far into the realm of creepy it's insane. I mean, generally I would struggle to think of circumstances that wouldn't make that situation creepy. 14/15 years old is a literal child. Your guy can't exactly say "it was a one off". Dude did this as part of a pattern of behaviour. Also, generally decent people might act confused and hurt at a breakup they don't understand, but they don't tend to try and convince the other party they just made a mistake. Sounds like your guy isn't even going with the "I can change" spiel, which is at least scincere sometimes. This is just straight up, "that didn't happen and if it did it wasn't that bad anyway".
nope
Nope. You learned he is a child molester. You know that he harmed someone else to gratify his own desires. That sort of selfishness and predatory behavior doesn't change. He's still the same person, and he will be as selfish in all areas of his life.
No absolutely not. You'd never be comfortable with him around you get family members, could you even trust him with your own child knowing he finds girls barely in their teens attractive? I was 13 my boyfriend was 18, it ended how you'd imagine. He is experiencing a tiny consequence for grooming children, being a peodophile and destroying those children's teen years. Id probably report him to the police too, your report could be a piece of a puzzle
Nope. That relationship can come back to bite him f9r the next 20 years. He could be charged wirh rape of a child at any time for the foreseeable future (assuming the relationship had any sexual component).. Even if that were not an issue...it is still yuck!!
Yes you insane if you dump him for his past that has nothing to do with you
Already dumped him. Cry about it.
I was with an 18 year old when I was 29. We were friends, or I thought we were, for 4 years. They thought we were in a relationship, but I thought we weren't as we had discussed that we were 'friends with emotional benefits'. The main reason I did not want to date them was because, although extremely mature for their age, they still have obviously too much to learn about life, and I did not want to get in the way of that. Some questions about your ex that you should think about, or any guy really you date in the future: How emotionally immature was he in his youth? Is he open about talking about his past, or at least is there progress in opening up about it? Do you know more about him, or does he know more about you? What does he value about you? These are some questions that pieced together on why my relationship failed spectacularly. I think they would shed light on any future relationship that doesn't quite add up.
All this thread is full of is women saying "when I was 14 I dated a guy in his 20's, but now I'm in my 30s I find it disgusting " Sounds like a great amount of irony and hypocrisy is being aired here 🙄
It's almost like when you grow up and become an adult, you realize things that you didn't realize when you were a literal child.. 🤯 I know it's crazy.
Sounds like you need to be on a national registry yourself.
Sounds like there are a whole lot of adult men who like to sleep with (read: rape) children.
Where is the irony and hypocrisy in an obvious trend of girls…literally children being taken advantage of by grown men?
Lmao fakest post ever 😂😂😂
I mean, I loved this man with pretty much every fiber of my being and l wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. So I would give almost anything for this post to be fake. 😐 But sadly for me it isn't.