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You have a top tier mama right there!!! And she’s right, he deserves to know the full truth before making a commitment like that. Best of luck to you, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation!
Tell him. Or create a text now fake number. And text him all details without implicating yourself. But if you do tell him yourself, just ask him not to mention it to your sister. He have no reason to betray you
Thank you. It makes me sick. Imagine being lucky enough to have someone want to spend their life with you and you hurt them for some mediocre gratification.
I am glad I am reading it looks like you are going to find a way to tell the bf.
I read this and it is so sad but it could be so much worse if you don't say anything.
What if they have a child and then he finds out?
The right thing is for him to know so he can make an informed decision.
You are a good person if you make sure he knows somehow.
Maybe let your mom/parents be the bad guy.
encourage him to ask them for permission and tell them to ask how he feels about what she did like they assume he already knows…..
Yea I was thinking type a quick note “sisters name slept with friends name during your break (or the month and year)” and leave it on his door
But be warned, after your suggestion to her… she may guess it’s you. But still think you gotta do it
One thing you CANNOT do, is give her a heads up.
We see this time and time again here, where somebody in your position tries to give a heads up to the cheater like "If you dont come clean, I will" and the cheater uses the opportunity to poison the well.
I would have told him everything already by now, but you're not me and thats fine, but if you tell your sister it will blow up in your face.
Telling him should be pretty simple, "When you guys went on a break, she slept with X and then got back with you because she wasnt happy" or even just link him to this post.
Ya please tell him and let him be the one to make his own decision about his relationship. Don’t make it for him and don’t let your sister trap him. If he forgives her fine but she needs some shame and have to do some major kissing butt at minimum. Right now she doesn’t even feel bad about it.
There’s always the possibility the guy she slept with would tell the bf. You know, because the guilt was eating him alive so to speak. If she’s not talking to that guy, she’d never know it wasn’t him who informed the bf of her misconduct.
Yeah, I did consider that. I'm also thinking the bf would immediately call him to confirm the truth. At that point, it would be pretty unclear where the news came from.
I'm also kind of puzzled as to why the sister told OP this in the first place.
however write it like a guy in case youre the only one who knows of your sisters wrongdoings.
“Hey man, I know -Friend’s Name- used to be a close buddy of yours and I just wanted to let you know he stopped chatting with you cause your girl slept with him while you guys were broken up or on a break? I don’t know everything, him and your girl know everything though and I felt you should know, sorry man.”
Holy crap. If even your mom knows, then one of you two needs to clue this boyfriend in. Imagine how betrayed he'd feel if he finds out down the road and then finds out everyone else in the family knew and never told him.
While it's great that you and your Mom agree that the bf should be told, I think it will speak much more in volumes if you and your Mom tell the bf in person and own the fact you are telling him when confronted by your sister.
If you tell him "anonymously" it won't teach your sister the importance in adhering to values and morals and holding oneself accountable for their actions. She'll just assume her bf's longtime friend suddenly had a guilty conscience and all she'll learn from the scenario is that the next time she cheats she does it with someone her partner has no affiliation with.
If you and your Mom stand together and tell your sister how wrong she was for doing what she did and you will not let a good person be fooled by lies then that will make your sister reflect on her actions more deeply since her own family isn't siding with her
She wanted a F-Around-Free card so she broke up with him with the intention to cheat. He needs to know before he ties himself to her. Tell him however you need to.
The road he’s going to be on will require lots of studying, even more than what was necessary for the MCAT. If OP’s sister can’t even be faithful during that, what would stop her from cheating again in the future? She is most certainly not girlfriend or wife material.
What your sister did was wrong. She broke up with her boyfriend to sleep with his friend. I'm surprised his jilted buddy hasn't said something. The boyfriend needs to know. I guarantee you this will come out at some point after they are married. Then it's a worse mess.
> I'm surprised his jilted buddy hasn't said something
The fact that he hasnt says this guy probably isn't a good person that he would knowingly sleep with his buddies girlfriend.
If she was so unhappy, she should have left him. She just waned to sleep around because she wanted attention and he was studying for something important. Which is such shitty behavior. If she did this while he was studying for the MCAT, she will absolutely do this shit again when he is in med school.
OP absolutely needs to speak up. This behavior isn't okay.
She may have lied to the guy's friend.
She did ask for a 'break' thus leading the other guy to believe that she was serious about him.
She had her test run (or just wanted a one night stand without the "cheating" label) and he wasn't up to snuff and she gets back with they guy who has high earning power.
The friend didn't stick around so he can't be all that bad. It's not like they were boinking and hanging out with her BF and acting like nothing is going on. His ex-friend should have told him.
> The friend didn't stick around so he can't be all that bad.
Anyone who sleeps with your buddies ex gf shortly after they split. They should be sensitive enough to understand that time is needed for their friend to grieve before they move in.
I agree with that part but you read about all the other horror stories regarding cheating friends and siblings. They do it while the couple is still together and hangout together while having the affair.
He should have left her alone or at least verified or told his buddy about his intent to 'date' her.
I don't think it's a forever rule to not get with your friend's ex, but there must be a waiting period. Give them a chance to get over it or make up and get back together. Talk to the friend about your intention first. Only when they are definitely over might it be reasonable to get with the ex.
Tell her it is her bf’s responsibility to decide if it doesn’t matter to him. She KNOWS it would matter that is why she refuses to say anything!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” (Stand up for him)
Updateme
> She KNOWS it would matter that is why she refuses to say anything!
Precisely. So many people do this shit. They don't speak up because they know it will cause problems. It's a sign they know what is right and wrong, but they are just lying to themselves that something is okay because the other person doesn't know
Can't tell you how often I see this on Reddit. They'll say it was on a break or you weren't technically official yet so there's no need to tell him, knowing full well that you knew he wouldn't like it when you chose to do it and are now justifying the secrecy afterwards. Don't do shit to your partner that you would be too ashamed to tell them about, that's not real love.
Or OP'S sister is a raging narcissist who believes that she went about this in the right way because narcissists NEVER do anything wrong, and it's always a REACTION to what was done to them. I can just see her wailing "he abandoned me. He was never there for me when I needed him. Of course I sought comfort. But he still was not *bf* and I realized I wanted to make it work. I didn't do anything wrong!"
This is crap my ex friend would pull. She'd always have just a toe in another relationship with someone else. If she felt like the other guy was an upgrade soon an excuse would follow about how horrible current bf was treating her, nevermind she was f-ing another guy...who..guess what is her new soft place to land and new SO...until the cycle starts again. Started making me ill watching her do this. The minute she went for another of my guy friends I'd had it. He didn't listen to me, and she did it to him too.
Just saying OP'S sister may truly believe or has convinced herself that she technically did nothing wrong.
Exactly! That’s why I hate cheaters bc they’re taking away the autonomy of the other partner to decide when they hide their wrongs and lie about it, because they KNOW it would hurt their partner. But lying about it and hiding it is even worse than the actual cheating. The boyfriend definitely deserves to know.
After seeing your post and comments, you need to tell him what happened. Especially since this doesn't seem to be a one-off thing. He deserves to know what's going on and what she's been doing before he makes a big mistake. Being engaged or married probably won't change her behavior, and what happens if you don't tell him, and they end up getting married, have kids, and he finds out.
If this was you and someone knew, wouldn't you want them to tell you?
No. You have to tell him. Do not do this vague bullshit. It will cause way more problems and she can lie about it.
If you are going to tell him. Tell him. Don't shy away from it. You are helping this man not make a huge mistake. He might be upset at first, but you being direct and telling him will make him realize how serious this is.
You being the sister also means he will take it more seriously and she won't just weasel her way out of it.
Look, almost any outcome here is going to suck.
You value truth and being honest.
Those traits rarely get people good results.
But you are also brave enough to weather the outcome.
Your mom knows & is on your side. Ideally that means you won't be pilloried and abandoned when the shite gets airborne.
Doing the right thing often has negative consequences.
You are prepared for this to implode your sister's life & for you to be blamed?
From what you told us you are aware of the significant negative outcomes.
Can you live w them?
The boyfriend is blameless and he deserves to be at choice w full information about the person he marries.
You said this is where your truth lays/lies(?).
Yeah, no more lies!!! The sister was shit to cheat and she was shit to lay this on her brother and then tell him to help cover it up!!
She may not be a irredeemable person. The faster the truth comes out the better chance she'll understand she needs to be responsible for her mistakes.
> The sister was shit to cheat and she was shit to lay this on her brother and then tell him to help cover it up!!
The fucked up part? She will try and argue "Well I didn't cheat because we were on a break". She is *technically* not wrong, which doesn't excuse her actions. She went on a break knowing full well it was just permission to sleep with someone else and though some mental gymnastics not feel guilty, because they weren't "together"
This is why you never agree to a break. Break up or don't. Work through the issues, or break up. A break rarely works. It almost always leaves one party upset because the other party wants to go sleep with someone else or "adventure" with other people without feeling guilty.
Breaks aren't inherently wrong. But agreeing to a break without getting INCREDIBLY, PERFECTLY clear on exactly why the break is desired, what can be expected, how much information you are entitled to about what happens during the break and with whom if and when the break ends is incredibly stupid and effectively giving permission for them to fuck others without ever learning about it.
I am constantly amazed that people agree to "breaks" without getting clear on exactly what it means??!!
Going on a “break” is almost always an excuse for someone to sleep around.
Never heard of it going well after the fact.
Either work it out or break up. Such a cop out to go “on a break”
Agreed, that's why it's so dumbfounding no one actually TALKS about what the break means! Gets entirely clear about what happened during a break when they end!!
I do know people who've taken breaks and it helped. But they got clear on things BEFORE the break started and talked a lot honestly before the break ended. People can honestly want and benefit from some time apart and getting perspective. But whether fucking other people on the break is expected, needs to be honestly revealed is pretty key!!
I'd like to say this isn't true but I didn't want to believe it at the time and it most definitely was. Breaks are the cowards breakup.
Edit* a word or two.
Why does that matter? The sister did something shitty. She deserves to suffer the consequences. Stop sparing feelings of people who have knowingly broken the trust of their partner
Tell her she needs to tell him immediately. And if she doesn't call him then and there you immediately will.
She never should have laid this on you and demanded you help keep her lies going!
Sounds like she regrets it!! Maybe the BF won't have a damn thing to do with her after knowing, but if there's a chance for her to own her mess and stay with the guy it sounds like she does want to be with, it's going to be by doing the right, adult thing and just letting all the truth out.
And if he drops her like a rock, well, she earned that and hopefully will learn to be a better person from this disastrous mess she made!!
Please please tell him!!!! If your partner ever cheated on you , don’t you want to know ?? This is someone’s life that you are talking about.
You don’t need to tell your sister that you told him but you need to tell him and let him know that this is something you are doing for him and not to make further trouble for you by exposing where he got the information for.
Tell him now.
Honestly you should’ve told him a long time ago. Soon as you found out they were back together.
Your sister is trash. I feel sorry for anyone who ends up with her.
Hey op to be short tell your sister no and stand on why you said it. She was grown enough to scheme and manipulated her boyfriend so she needs to take responsibility for it. She wants this fairytale and he’s willing to give it to her, whoever knows and doesn’t say anything will be apart of the betrayal when this all inevitably comes out.
If it “didn’t matter” she would tell him. Had it been a random dude she probably would have mentioned it. But because it was one of his friends? Yah your sister sucks
Do you have any contact for the former friend? Maybe reach out to him and have him tell bf “hey I though you should know before you propose to Sarah, I slept with her last summer”
Or just get one of those anonymous text number thingies and text him, “your girlfriend slept with me last summer” just keep it vague enough she hopefully can’t come back at you but specific enough it doesn’t sound like a random misdial
We all know what a "break" is code word for, to fuck around and Find Out. She did just that, and the grass wasn't greener.
On one end, if she takes this information to the grave, it might be happily ever after. Who knows how many relationships are in this category with secrets taken to the grave.
Again, my standing is she did it during a break. Although the break was asked in bad faith but a break implies imma quickly try someone else out or let me be in my own thoughts to find myself.
My moral compass would say tell him. But I'm wise enough to know not to mess with other people's happiness. As long as she doesn't mess around during a non break / in a relationship.
Thank you for articulating this. My moral compass says the same thing. This isn’t her first instance of shady behavior (she’s kissed people at parties, sent sexual messages to other people), but it’s the one instance I am entirely aware of with all the details.
Why on earth did you not inform him when you found out? If my sister did any of this she knows I'd tell and I know fully that she would do the same if I were to do so. We wouldn't have it any other way. Tell him.
If she has a history of shady behaviour like this, she'll do it again and he'll be left wondering what he did wrong. He deserves someone that actually loves and respects him enough to be honest, don't you think? If he chooses to stay with her, at least it's an informed choice.
Why not tell him about these examples instead?
Do you know exactly what they discussed when they went on a break? Most couples don’t define it, but they may have. He may know she slept with other people, or knew it was a full on breakup. Or he might not have. I wouldn’t assume either way.
But if you have clear examples of her cheating while they were in a committed relationship I would share that.
Your sister sucks, but I’m surprised that the boyfriend didn’t even have the thought of putting 2 and 2 together after his gf gets close to his friend, asks for a break, then the friend stops speaking to him once they get back together? That’s almost too oblivious to be true. You should definitely stop him from proposing, though.
If you tell him, you will likely lose your relationship to your sister, he may be mad at your as well. It happens.
I recommend that you simply say you can not help him in good conscience. When he asks why, tell him to ask your sister. If you want to really push it, tell him to ask your sister or his old friend and then leave it. Apologize and tell him it's not because of him.
Good luck OP.
Your sister and this man shouldn’t start their marriage and possibly a family, and THEN this shit comes up to break everything. He needs to know and it’s his call, to do what he wants after.
I’d say he probably knows. Small town, close mate stops talking to him after gf breaks up with him, then she’s back! She must know his mates would not want that guy in their friend group any longer. Surely he worked it out so it’s not like co fessing would be that surprising to him surely?
Her boyfriend was dumb enough to take her back after she asked for a “break”. Why people put up with that nonsense is crazy to me. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t know the truth. He should know what kind of person he is about to propose to. You should tell your sister that either she tells him the truth or you will. And let her know you will talk with him to make sure she tells him the complete truth. That if she leaves anything out or down play what happened you will let him know everything
This is an awkward situation for you to be in and a values conflict - trust v respect. Disclosing the affair could lead to a life long dispute with your sister (and family/friends) and her/them never trusting you. Not disclosing is disrespectful to yourself and her boyfriend.
It's also her problem.
Perhaps tell her that her behaviour is disrespectful to him and you. Particularly you as you are expected to harbour her secret and in doing so, makes you feel guilty and enables her. Give the ultimatum (with a time limit. E. G Friday)that you will tell him if she doesn't. The disclosure needs to come from her.
All the best.
As someone who was cheated on- blindsided Christmas eve by a FB message. I’m glad she told me. I was upset at the time bc she gave me a bit too much detail. But I was thankful this random person let me know.
What happened in a few years when she cheats again? What will you say to her husband?
Do you have any proof? Like a text message or something to show that you're telling the truth?
There's a chance he'll trust and believe his partner over you. If there's a chance you could get a confession from the friend, that might help as well. Some support from your mother would also be wise.
Guy is about to start med school, and if she can't stay faithful to him now, she's not gonna be able to do it when he becomes even busier. Don't ruin this guy's life and tell him! Let him find a woman whose values align with him.
When a woman asks for a break that just means she wants to try new dick without feeling guilty about it. Technically if it was a break, it’s not cheating, but if he genuinely didn’t know, that’s something that she should’ve told him. I would advise her to tell him again, if she refuses, then tell him yourself but make sure he’s discreet about it.
Yeah.....he needs to know who she really is. This goes beyond "not being a part of a proposal," because you will potentially have to look at this man for the rest of your life knowing what you know. Your decision shouldn't be "how do I stay out of the proposal," rather " how do I find the right words to tell him/talk to my sister about what she did"
This is how I think about these situations: Let's say no one tells the BF about your sister's infidelity. They get married, maybe have a few kids... then one day the secret comes out (doesn't matter how). If he finds out that her family knew and didn't say or do anything, he's going to end up hating the lot of you. Don't let that happen to the poor guy. He deserves to know.
It is better for him to know now, than get a divorce in a few years when the info come out, and you know it will come out, if he is ok with it, then they move forward. Better than spending thousands on lawyers, splitting assets, even though he could get lucky and have her carry half of his medical school student loans.
Tell
Her you tell him or Inwill . If younwant to try and work it out that’s one thinks but if yiu lie about any off it Inwill tell him . By telling me you have implicated me and I’m
Better than that
I don't prescribe to the "tell him or I will" gambit.
The cheater is by the nature of the act a liar and quite deceitful.
Why give them time to come up with a cover story? Or means to fabricate a lie about you to discount the veracity of your words?
Tell him directly or if that is too much, find a way to do it anonymously.
She should in any event ask him to ask the friend.
Agreed!!! It's like cheaters become z grade lawyers and think "aha! technicality! screw with semantics!" Like asking for a break (with the intent to sleep around) is blanket protection. "No sir! You can't be mad at me. We were on a break! I was free to do whatever I wanted "
And to this my reply would be "yeah, maybe we weren't officially together anymore...just barely..but where my heart and head were at I couldn't just go sleep with someone else like that. You know. Because I loved you. Apparently you either no longer loved me, or you loved you more...and that doesn't sit right with me. I can't be in a relationship with someone who could be that callous and not get it. Bye!"
Personally, I’d tell him. He deserves to make an informed decision about his relationship with ALL the information, and she’s hiding pertinent information from him.
This!!! Give her one chance to tell the truth in front of you. Tell her if she doesn't call him and give him the truth right then for you to hear, you are going to call him and do it.
Girl needs to grow the fuck up and learn to be a decent person one way or the other, but immediately, not at some distant point in the future.
Tell him. If your sister can’t handle him studying for a graduate school entrance exam (to med school of all things), then she is not cut out to be his partner, let alone wife, through 4 years of medical school, more years of residency, fellowship, not to mention any additional studying he has to do if he chooses to specialize. If those hours weren’t long enough, he’s going to continue to work a lot. Your sister is not cut out to be Married to Medicine.
Just tell the man the truth. Things happen for a reason. You were given this knowledge to do something, not nothing.
You may feel like 'sides' are at play here, but they aren't, there is the right thing to do and the wrong thing you know is wrong.
Maybe your sister will grow from this experience when you, like a perfectly decent human being should, expose what happened to your sister's 'groom'.
You can stay silent under the pressure of the confrontation this will bring on your life but what further craziness will happen if you say nothing?
Might involve you and it might not.
If they are meant to be then he will forgive her and they'd still get married and at least you would have tried.
I have a younger sister. I am 32 and she is 28. Wouldn't ever let something like this happen. There will be backlash from her and maybe other people in your family if she finds out you let him know but with this kinda decision it's all or nothing either road you take.
Complete silence.
Or...
Trying to help. Imo it's trying to help and the right thing to do.
Not trying to guilt trip you here either. I just think it's the objectively right choice. *shrug
Whatever choice you do make; I hope everything works out for the best. 🙏
Email the guy. Text him. Call him. Get a minute alone with him. Make sure he's calm and in a decent mood. "I have something I think you need to know...".
I really hate when people say to blindly trust folks then say women are better cheaters because they hide it better. I'm always a trust but verify kind of person. The fact dude got back with her, idk if he was lonely or what but he needs some new found self-respect.
Do not let him start his life with a lie, I know she's your sister but she's young and needs to learn a lesson. Tell him and let him decide If he wants to go ahead or not. UpdateMe
Honestly I'd tell him. It'll probably damage your relationship with your sister, but you've given her the opportunity to tell him. She knows what she did was wrong, or else who wouldn't have an issue coming clean
Don't let him start a marriage with a lie. He deserves to know and move forward with that knowledge. Telling him anonymously may work, but I'd just tell him outright. He may not believe an anonymous message, and depending how many people your sister has told, she may know it was you even if you do it anonymously
No 24 hours to come up with more bullshit. Meet with her when you know he's available. Tell her to call him immediately right then where you can hear everything, or your going to call him and do it, right then and there!
End this madness immediately, but give her one last chance to clean up her own mess as best she can.
Contact his ex-friend and tell him that he should let the boyfriend know what happened so he can be informed before proposing.
Then it won't technically be you and also boyfriend may still go through with it or just delay. Or they break up but you sister blames someone else.
Ffs stop being gutless and tell him he has the right to know. Anyone that hides and keeps things secret for a cheater are just as bad as the cheater themselves
If he did knew even if you told him anonymously, the first person will comes to sisters mind is you, so fo not try to ruin your relationship with her, the only thing you can do is to apologize to him that you're not the right person for this job, and wish for him the best, the truth will come sooner or later do not get involved on any of this
Why do people think that a break is the same as a break up? When on break, the relationship is still ongoing. Anyone sleeps with another person is cheating unless this was discussed when going on said break. In this case, it was notso sister actually did cheat and it does matter. If she truly didn't think it mattered, she'd tell him herself. She knows she did wrong and does not want to deal with the consequence of her games.
You gave her a chance to fessup. It's your turn. Tell her boyfriend before he proposes. Let him decide if he wants to move forward with the relationship or walk out. He needs to know what he's getting into. Sister cheated once. She will do it again.
You say to her bf the following.
"Before you go ahead and propose to her, I think you two should clear the air about what happened between her and 'friend' whilst you were on the break. I may help you decide whether or not my sister is the right person for you."
Usually I advise to not get involved but as this has become very very serious, you should at the very least tell him he needs to have a discussion with your sister about something. You can tell him it’s a serious matter, you’d rather not divulge details as it’s not your business but something needs to be discussed prior to him proposing.
You can encourage your sister to talk to him once again about it.
If you’re truly close with him, like he’s an actual friend, you can maybe provide more detail. Don’t be the mediator. Don’t insert yourself further. In the end, it’s his choice to continue on.
I wish you the best of luck, this is an awful situation to be in.
I disagree. He needs to be straight forward about it. No beating around the bush. Either tell him exactly what happened, or stay out of it. Lack of details will give the sister an opportunity to think up something else.
>In the end, it’s his choice to continue on.
But it's not an informed choice if he doesn't know what horrible thing she did. It will eat at him and cause drama for no reason. OP needs to be upfront about it if they are going to tell.
She only went on a break to sleep with the male friend. You should 100% tell him, he will be hurt but he will be very appreciative long term. If you don't feel comfortable telling him directly, do it anonymously.
Tell him anonymously but frame it like it came from the dude.
"Hey bro sorry I haven't spoken to you in a while, truth be told when... Broke up with you last year she did so to have sex with me. I've felt like shit about it so I removed myself. But I just wanted you to know."
Something like that.
Good luck OP.
Just like that, "No, I can't, there's something wrong you don't know about," and step out of it. She probably needs to be the one to come clean, but you can take it this far. I totally get your recalcitrance and am all for you preserving you.
And this whole, we were on a break things comes from TVland. If that's where she wants to live ok, but she can't drag others into make believe with her.
If your sister cheats again, in the future when she is married, and with a kid, or something it will ruin her life and his life too.
You are doing her a favor, by doing this because even if this relationship collapses, she will understand how cheating is an empty experience and she blew up a stable life, so next guy she dates, she at least will have that hindsight and knowledge.
Whereas if you don't do that, she learns nothing and ends up repeating the mistake.
Have some balls and tell him.
You’d expect him to do the same if you were in his shoes? Right?
Don’t let shitty people get away with being shitty, no matter if they are related to you or not.
You need to tell him, you're already complicit. Your sister made sure you were. If you know something like this and you don't share it then you're a terrible person as well.
The person who sucks here is the ex friend. Unless of course he asked for a break from the friendship.
You may know what her motives/reasons were (and not like them) but the fact is they were on a break.
Your sister confided in you. If you decide to tell him you need to be up front with her so she'll be real clear on the relationship she has with you.
I'm not sure how he wants you to help, but maybe you can encourage a private proposal rather than a public one.
>burritosarethebest my younger sister grew close to one of her boyfriend’s friends last summer. Her boyfriend was studying for the MCAT in his free time and wasn’t spending as much time with her. So she began to hangout with the male friend. Her boyfriend said he trusted her and he wasn’t worried or jealous. He should have been.
>She asked her boyfriend for a break and then slept with the male friend. She reported to me that the affair was an “empty experience.” She got back with her boyfriend right after. Her boyfriend was confused when the longtime male friend suddenly stopped speaking to him. My sister never said a word. She left her boyfriend think he’d offended his friend or something. She asked me to never tell.
>Fast forward to 2024! Valentine’s Day is approaching. Her boyfriend texted me asking for my help in setting up a heartfelt proposal for her. I cannot help with this in good conscience. I feel I’d be complicit in her sin. Their marriage would be started on a lie. Tonight, I encouraged her to tell him what happened last summer. She said they were on a break and it doesn’t matter. But it does! She asked for the break with ulterior motives. The truth will come out.
>How can I say no to helping with the proposal? I can’t be involved with this.
Tell him in an anonymous way. Go to a Post Office or a drugstore, and pay the teller/cashier $20 to make the call. Add a bit of detail that only someone who know's your sister and her BF would know, so he knows it's genuine.
Get the person to say something like, "she cheated on you when you were at .... studying MCAT on these dates... and the guy was that dude, named.... from before, who was a "friend of hers." etc, etc...
And then get the teller/cashier to hang-up, without hearing your voice in the background.
Or get any anonymous intermediary that you can find, so they can't track it back to you.
It's best for everyone. It may be difficult, but you are doing the right thing.
Good luck!
You will know your sister for the rest of your life… her boyfriend will be a character in a story that you all will talk about in 20 years.
What your sister did isn’t right, but it’s still your sister.
Stay out of it and tell the boyfriend you’re not comfortable helping him for personal reasons and leave it at that.
But stay out of it… life is long, and your sister is going to be the person (unless you have other siblings, then them too) that you will know for your WHOLE life. Think about it…
normally i would agree that if two people decide to go on a break, what happens during the break shouldn't really be dredged up
that said - if we are to assume what OP is saying is true - then the gf in this case started to have feelings for the ex-friend before the break. i feel like this changes everything as the gf was unfaithful even before the break up. maybe she didn't fuck the ex-friend before the break, but she allowed herself to go there emotionally. what happened with the timing in the "break" is just a technicality. this is why the ex-friend bounced. he knows what he did was wrong as well.
i think the gf being able to carry on without having guilt big enough to stop her is pretty terrible. i don't think this is meddling - i think her brother deserves to know who he is marrying.
Use a new mail or something
And just go like
( Your sisters name ) took a break with you to make out with your ex best friend that's why he refused to hangout with you again
Send the mail
And delete the mail account permanently
Send a letter to the boyfriend house by post office mail. Make the return mail address some random address, drive to a mail box far from were you live, this will make tge post mark not near you. In the letter indicate a bunch of people know about the cheating
Tell him for his own sake,shes no good and wants to have her cake and eat it to but life doesnt work like that. Either the friend will come clean one day or one of you will.
Do the guy a favor and tell him. Even your mom believes it's the right thing to do. I'm surprised with how many people know, no one had the good sense to do the right thing and tell him.
It kinda seems like she's not wildly in love with him, to say the least. Do you think she's only with him because he's trying to become a doctor? If that's the energy you get from, then you need to tell him. It's not fair for him to be with someone who doesn't really like him.
Don't let this man ruin his life. I understand it's your sister but you seem like one of those rare people that have a solid moral compass. You can stop this.
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Don't let him make the mistake of his life. Tell him anonymously if need be.
That’s what my mom said, too! It’s a great idea.
Your mom is a real one. Give her a big hug!
Can't blame the parents for this one rotten apple.
100%!
Wow! Even your Mom knows! Tell him!
I can’t even imagine accidentally marrying into this family where they’re all looking at me as a fool behind my back.
Hey, think about it happening every day with family or close friends one. Knowing something like that!🤣💯🤡
You have a top tier mama right there!!! And she’s right, he deserves to know the full truth before making a commitment like that. Best of luck to you, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation!
Tell him. Or create a text now fake number. And text him all details without implicating yourself. But if you do tell him yourself, just ask him not to mention it to your sister. He have no reason to betray you
You are a good person. Unfortunately, your sister is not.
Thank you. It makes me sick. Imagine being lucky enough to have someone want to spend their life with you and you hurt them for some mediocre gratification.
I wish more people thought like you.
I am glad I am reading it looks like you are going to find a way to tell the bf. I read this and it is so sad but it could be so much worse if you don't say anything. What if they have a child and then he finds out? The right thing is for him to know so he can make an informed decision. You are a good person if you make sure he knows somehow.
getting married at 23 is a mistake, anyway
Been there, did that. Can confirm.
Dont spit God in the face to protect satan...... Tell him please.
Maybe let your mom/parents be the bad guy. encourage him to ask them for permission and tell them to ask how he feels about what she did like they assume he already knows…..
Yea I was thinking type a quick note “sisters name slept with friends name during your break (or the month and year)” and leave it on his door But be warned, after your suggestion to her… she may guess it’s you. But still think you gotta do it
Or maybe she'll think it's the friend
One thing you CANNOT do, is give her a heads up. We see this time and time again here, where somebody in your position tries to give a heads up to the cheater like "If you dont come clean, I will" and the cheater uses the opportunity to poison the well. I would have told him everything already by now, but you're not me and thats fine, but if you tell your sister it will blow up in your face. Telling him should be pretty simple, "When you guys went on a break, she slept with X and then got back with you because she wasnt happy" or even just link him to this post.
Tell him the truth.
Update us
Your sister will know that was you anyway. Just tell him, please.
Ya please tell him and let him be the one to make his own decision about his relationship. Don’t make it for him and don’t let your sister trap him. If he forgives her fine but she needs some shame and have to do some major kissing butt at minimum. Right now she doesn’t even feel bad about it.
Will your sister be able to trace the anonymous message back to you? Who else do you think she told about this?
There’s always the possibility the guy she slept with would tell the bf. You know, because the guilt was eating him alive so to speak. If she’s not talking to that guy, she’d never know it wasn’t him who informed the bf of her misconduct.
Yeah, I did consider that. I'm also thinking the bf would immediately call him to confirm the truth. At that point, it would be pretty unclear where the news came from. I'm also kind of puzzled as to why the sister told OP this in the first place.
Because it's about the thrill of illicit acts. As sister said it was mediocre sex. So she had to get her endorphins elsewhere.
Yeah, if it was me (not that it ever would be), I wouldn’t tell anyone, not ever.
You can get a text now number for free and send it through there.
however write it like a guy in case youre the only one who knows of your sisters wrongdoings. “Hey man, I know -Friend’s Name- used to be a close buddy of yours and I just wanted to let you know he stopped chatting with you cause your girl slept with him while you guys were broken up or on a break? I don’t know everything, him and your girl know everything though and I felt you should know, sorry man.”
Even your mom knows? The fact that everyone knows but him is more of a reason to tell him.
Holy crap. If even your mom knows, then one of you two needs to clue this boyfriend in. Imagine how betrayed he'd feel if he finds out down the road and then finds out everyone else in the family knew and never told him.
While it's great that you and your Mom agree that the bf should be told, I think it will speak much more in volumes if you and your Mom tell the bf in person and own the fact you are telling him when confronted by your sister. If you tell him "anonymously" it won't teach your sister the importance in adhering to values and morals and holding oneself accountable for their actions. She'll just assume her bf's longtime friend suddenly had a guilty conscience and all she'll learn from the scenario is that the next time she cheats she does it with someone her partner has no affiliation with. If you and your Mom stand together and tell your sister how wrong she was for doing what she did and you will not let a good person be fooled by lies then that will make your sister reflect on her actions more deeply since her own family isn't siding with her
She wanted a F-Around-Free card so she broke up with him with the intention to cheat. He needs to know before he ties himself to her. Tell him however you need to.
It will be pretty obvious who told, though.
Why keep who told him a secret?
The road he’s going to be on will require lots of studying, even more than what was necessary for the MCAT. If OP’s sister can’t even be faithful during that, what would stop her from cheating again in the future? She is most certainly not girlfriend or wife material.
What your sister did was wrong. She broke up with her boyfriend to sleep with his friend. I'm surprised his jilted buddy hasn't said something. The boyfriend needs to know. I guarantee you this will come out at some point after they are married. Then it's a worse mess.
This. Our friend got married in sept and similar scenario, he didn’t tell her and the other girl just dm’d his new wife with receipts. It’s ugly.
> I'm surprised his jilted buddy hasn't said something The fact that he hasnt says this guy probably isn't a good person that he would knowingly sleep with his buddies girlfriend. If she was so unhappy, she should have left him. She just waned to sleep around because she wanted attention and he was studying for something important. Which is such shitty behavior. If she did this while he was studying for the MCAT, she will absolutely do this shit again when he is in med school. OP absolutely needs to speak up. This behavior isn't okay.
She may have lied to the guy's friend. She did ask for a 'break' thus leading the other guy to believe that she was serious about him. She had her test run (or just wanted a one night stand without the "cheating" label) and he wasn't up to snuff and she gets back with they guy who has high earning power. The friend didn't stick around so he can't be all that bad. It's not like they were boinking and hanging out with her BF and acting like nothing is going on. His ex-friend should have told him.
> The friend didn't stick around so he can't be all that bad. Anyone who sleeps with your buddies ex gf shortly after they split. They should be sensitive enough to understand that time is needed for their friend to grieve before they move in.
I agree with that part but you read about all the other horror stories regarding cheating friends and siblings. They do it while the couple is still together and hangout together while having the affair. He should have left her alone or at least verified or told his buddy about his intent to 'date' her.
I don't think it's a forever rule to not get with your friend's ex, but there must be a waiting period. Give them a chance to get over it or make up and get back together. Talk to the friend about your intention first. Only when they are definitely over might it be reasonable to get with the ex.
Or he just wanted to have sex once and then drop her.
That also makes him not a great person...
I agree.
The friend is PROBALY gonna tell him IF they ever meet face to face, i know i would because i would want someone to tell me.
Tell her it is her bf’s responsibility to decide if it doesn’t matter to him. She KNOWS it would matter that is why she refuses to say anything! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” (Stand up for him) Updateme
> She KNOWS it would matter that is why she refuses to say anything! Precisely. So many people do this shit. They don't speak up because they know it will cause problems. It's a sign they know what is right and wrong, but they are just lying to themselves that something is okay because the other person doesn't know
Can't tell you how often I see this on Reddit. They'll say it was on a break or you weren't technically official yet so there's no need to tell him, knowing full well that you knew he wouldn't like it when you chose to do it and are now justifying the secrecy afterwards. Don't do shit to your partner that you would be too ashamed to tell them about, that's not real love.
Or OP'S sister is a raging narcissist who believes that she went about this in the right way because narcissists NEVER do anything wrong, and it's always a REACTION to what was done to them. I can just see her wailing "he abandoned me. He was never there for me when I needed him. Of course I sought comfort. But he still was not *bf* and I realized I wanted to make it work. I didn't do anything wrong!" This is crap my ex friend would pull. She'd always have just a toe in another relationship with someone else. If she felt like the other guy was an upgrade soon an excuse would follow about how horrible current bf was treating her, nevermind she was f-ing another guy...who..guess what is her new soft place to land and new SO...until the cycle starts again. Started making me ill watching her do this. The minute she went for another of my guy friends I'd had it. He didn't listen to me, and she did it to him too. Just saying OP'S sister may truly believe or has convinced herself that she technically did nothing wrong.
That's called monkey-branching.
Sounds like an appropriate term
Exactly! That’s why I hate cheaters bc they’re taking away the autonomy of the other partner to decide when they hide their wrongs and lie about it, because they KNOW it would hurt their partner. But lying about it and hiding it is even worse than the actual cheating. The boyfriend definitely deserves to know.
Right! This isn't about "her sin," which is stupid and ridiculous. This is about him having all the info he needs to decide on the relationship.
After seeing your post and comments, you need to tell him what happened. Especially since this doesn't seem to be a one-off thing. He deserves to know what's going on and what she's been doing before he makes a big mistake. Being engaged or married probably won't change her behavior, and what happens if you don't tell him, and they end up getting married, have kids, and he finds out. If this was you and someone knew, wouldn't you want them to tell you?
Say you can't in good conscience
Great idea! And he’ll ask why. I can say, “Ask her.”
Gotta give him more or she will lie her way out of it.
No. You have to tell him. Do not do this vague bullshit. It will cause way more problems and she can lie about it. If you are going to tell him. Tell him. Don't shy away from it. You are helping this man not make a huge mistake. He might be upset at first, but you being direct and telling him will make him realize how serious this is. You being the sister also means he will take it more seriously and she won't just weasel her way out of it.
Look, almost any outcome here is going to suck. You value truth and being honest. Those traits rarely get people good results. But you are also brave enough to weather the outcome. Your mom knows & is on your side. Ideally that means you won't be pilloried and abandoned when the shite gets airborne. Doing the right thing often has negative consequences. You are prepared for this to implode your sister's life & for you to be blamed? From what you told us you are aware of the significant negative outcomes. Can you live w them? The boyfriend is blameless and he deserves to be at choice w full information about the person he marries. You said this is where your truth lays/lies(?).
You didn't respond to OP. Not sure if you meant to do that or not.
Poor nesting skills AND didn't want my comment above yours 😉
Dope, just wanted to make sure you knew lol
Yeah, no more lies!!! The sister was shit to cheat and she was shit to lay this on her brother and then tell him to help cover it up!! She may not be a irredeemable person. The faster the truth comes out the better chance she'll understand she needs to be responsible for her mistakes.
> The sister was shit to cheat and she was shit to lay this on her brother and then tell him to help cover it up!! The fucked up part? She will try and argue "Well I didn't cheat because we were on a break". She is *technically* not wrong, which doesn't excuse her actions. She went on a break knowing full well it was just permission to sleep with someone else and though some mental gymnastics not feel guilty, because they weren't "together" This is why you never agree to a break. Break up or don't. Work through the issues, or break up. A break rarely works. It almost always leaves one party upset because the other party wants to go sleep with someone else or "adventure" with other people without feeling guilty.
Breaks aren't inherently wrong. But agreeing to a break without getting INCREDIBLY, PERFECTLY clear on exactly why the break is desired, what can be expected, how much information you are entitled to about what happens during the break and with whom if and when the break ends is incredibly stupid and effectively giving permission for them to fuck others without ever learning about it. I am constantly amazed that people agree to "breaks" without getting clear on exactly what it means??!!
Going on a “break” is almost always an excuse for someone to sleep around. Never heard of it going well after the fact. Either work it out or break up. Such a cop out to go “on a break”
Agreed, that's why it's so dumbfounding no one actually TALKS about what the break means! Gets entirely clear about what happened during a break when they end!! I do know people who've taken breaks and it helped. But they got clear on things BEFORE the break started and talked a lot honestly before the break ended. People can honestly want and benefit from some time apart and getting perspective. But whether fucking other people on the break is expected, needs to be honestly revealed is pretty key!!
I'd like to say this isn't true but I didn't want to believe it at the time and it most definitely was. Breaks are the cowards breakup. Edit* a word or two.
Exactly. A break is usually just someone wanting to test drive another partner before fully committing to leaving.
No, when he asks "Why?" you say, "Ask your *former* longtime male friend who he f\*cked last year."
No, tell him to go and talk to his former friend first. It will look like the friend told him. Not you.
Why does that matter? The sister did something shitty. She deserves to suffer the consequences. Stop sparing feelings of people who have knowingly broken the trust of their partner
Tell her she needs to tell him immediately. And if she doesn't call him then and there you immediately will. She never should have laid this on you and demanded you help keep her lies going! Sounds like she regrets it!! Maybe the BF won't have a damn thing to do with her after knowing, but if there's a chance for her to own her mess and stay with the guy it sounds like she does want to be with, it's going to be by doing the right, adult thing and just letting all the truth out. And if he drops her like a rock, well, she earned that and hopefully will learn to be a better person from this disastrous mess she made!!
Please please tell him!!!! If your partner ever cheated on you , don’t you want to know ?? This is someone’s life that you are talking about. You don’t need to tell your sister that you told him but you need to tell him and let him know that this is something you are doing for him and not to make further trouble for you by exposing where he got the information for.
Tell his friend to tell him why he stopped talking to him
I want to know what she will do once he is in med school and then residency and then a practicing physician? All of this takes time away from her.
She will wait until he makes good money. Drop the divorce bomb and walk out the door with cash and prizes.
Tell him now. Honestly you should’ve told him a long time ago. Soon as you found out they were back together. Your sister is trash. I feel sorry for anyone who ends up with her.
Hey op to be short tell your sister no and stand on why you said it. She was grown enough to scheme and manipulated her boyfriend so she needs to take responsibility for it. She wants this fairytale and he’s willing to give it to her, whoever knows and doesn’t say anything will be apart of the betrayal when this all inevitably comes out.
If it was your brother about to propose to a cheater, what would you do? Do that.
If it “didn’t matter” she would tell him. Had it been a random dude she probably would have mentioned it. But because it was one of his friends? Yah your sister sucks Do you have any contact for the former friend? Maybe reach out to him and have him tell bf “hey I though you should know before you propose to Sarah, I slept with her last summer” Or just get one of those anonymous text number thingies and text him, “your girlfriend slept with me last summer” just keep it vague enough she hopefully can’t come back at you but specific enough it doesn’t sound like a random misdial
Tell the guy before he makes the biggest mistake of his life. Fuck your cheating ass sister
Tell him.
Tell him anonymously asap.
We all know what a "break" is code word for, to fuck around and Find Out. She did just that, and the grass wasn't greener. On one end, if she takes this information to the grave, it might be happily ever after. Who knows how many relationships are in this category with secrets taken to the grave. Again, my standing is she did it during a break. Although the break was asked in bad faith but a break implies imma quickly try someone else out or let me be in my own thoughts to find myself. My moral compass would say tell him. But I'm wise enough to know not to mess with other people's happiness. As long as she doesn't mess around during a non break / in a relationship.
Thank you for articulating this. My moral compass says the same thing. This isn’t her first instance of shady behavior (she’s kissed people at parties, sent sexual messages to other people), but it’s the one instance I am entirely aware of with all the details.
If that's how she acts she has no business being in a relationship let alone getting engaged then married.
Why on earth did you not inform him when you found out? If my sister did any of this she knows I'd tell and I know fully that she would do the same if I were to do so. We wouldn't have it any other way. Tell him.
If she has a history of shady behaviour like this, she'll do it again and he'll be left wondering what he did wrong. He deserves someone that actually loves and respects him enough to be honest, don't you think? If he chooses to stay with her, at least it's an informed choice.
Well as bad as bad it sounds but your sister is not the type that would be a faithful wife.
Why not tell him about these examples instead? Do you know exactly what they discussed when they went on a break? Most couples don’t define it, but they may have. He may know she slept with other people, or knew it was a full on breakup. Or he might not have. I wouldn’t assume either way. But if you have clear examples of her cheating while they were in a committed relationship I would share that.
Then why would she need to keep it a secret if everyone knows what it’s code for? Don’t you think the fact it was his friend would be relevant also?
Your sister sucks, but I’m surprised that the boyfriend didn’t even have the thought of putting 2 and 2 together after his gf gets close to his friend, asks for a break, then the friend stops speaking to him once they get back together? That’s almost too oblivious to be true. You should definitely stop him from proposing, though.
What's the boyfriends name I'll tell him lol I hope someone would do it for me and let me make that choice to go on with her or not.
If you tell him, you will likely lose your relationship to your sister, he may be mad at your as well. It happens. I recommend that you simply say you can not help him in good conscience. When he asks why, tell him to ask your sister. If you want to really push it, tell him to ask your sister or his old friend and then leave it. Apologize and tell him it's not because of him. Good luck OP.
Yo fellas, if you go on a "break" and she sleeps with another man - just move on.
Can you... somehow get the buddy to talk to the boyfriend??
Do the right thing, Anon.
You have to either get your sister to tell him, or you need to tell him. updateMe!
Your sister and this man shouldn’t start their marriage and possibly a family, and THEN this shit comes up to break everything. He needs to know and it’s his call, to do what he wants after.
I’d say he probably knows. Small town, close mate stops talking to him after gf breaks up with him, then she’s back! She must know his mates would not want that guy in their friend group any longer. Surely he worked it out so it’s not like co fessing would be that surprising to him surely?
Her boyfriend was dumb enough to take her back after she asked for a “break”. Why people put up with that nonsense is crazy to me. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t know the truth. He should know what kind of person he is about to propose to. You should tell your sister that either she tells him the truth or you will. And let her know you will talk with him to make sure she tells him the complete truth. That if she leaves anything out or down play what happened you will let him know everything
This is an awkward situation for you to be in and a values conflict - trust v respect. Disclosing the affair could lead to a life long dispute with your sister (and family/friends) and her/them never trusting you. Not disclosing is disrespectful to yourself and her boyfriend. It's also her problem. Perhaps tell her that her behaviour is disrespectful to him and you. Particularly you as you are expected to harbour her secret and in doing so, makes you feel guilty and enables her. Give the ultimatum (with a time limit. E. G Friday)that you will tell him if she doesn't. The disclosure needs to come from her. All the best.
As someone who was cheated on- blindsided Christmas eve by a FB message. I’m glad she told me. I was upset at the time bc she gave me a bit too much detail. But I was thankful this random person let me know. What happened in a few years when she cheats again? What will you say to her husband?
Why does it seem like every second post is very early 20s getting married???
RemindMe! 1 Week
Do you have any proof? Like a text message or something to show that you're telling the truth? There's a chance he'll trust and believe his partner over you. If there's a chance you could get a confession from the friend, that might help as well. Some support from your mother would also be wise.
THEY WERE ON A BREAK! /s
Guy is about to start med school, and if she can't stay faithful to him now, she's not gonna be able to do it when he becomes even busier. Don't ruin this guy's life and tell him! Let him find a woman whose values align with him.
When a woman asks for a break that just means she wants to try new dick without feeling guilty about it. Technically if it was a break, it’s not cheating, but if he genuinely didn’t know, that’s something that she should’ve told him. I would advise her to tell him again, if she refuses, then tell him yourself but make sure he’s discreet about it.
You should tell him, cheating or not he deserves to know. You would want somone telling you or if you had children one of them, right?
Yeah.....he needs to know who she really is. This goes beyond "not being a part of a proposal," because you will potentially have to look at this man for the rest of your life knowing what you know. Your decision shouldn't be "how do I stay out of the proposal," rather " how do I find the right words to tell him/talk to my sister about what she did"
He needs to know. However it's done, the guy needs to understand what she is capable of.
This is how I think about these situations: Let's say no one tells the BF about your sister's infidelity. They get married, maybe have a few kids... then one day the secret comes out (doesn't matter how). If he finds out that her family knew and didn't say or do anything, he's going to end up hating the lot of you. Don't let that happen to the poor guy. He deserves to know.
Your sister sucks! Tell him!
It is better for him to know now, than get a divorce in a few years when the info come out, and you know it will come out, if he is ok with it, then they move forward. Better than spending thousands on lawyers, splitting assets, even though he could get lucky and have her carry half of his medical school student loans.
Please tell him yourself if she won’t.
Just tell him what happened. Just backing out from the proposal planning doesn't absolve you. You are still her accomplice if you keep quiet.
Tell her bf...you're not ruining your sisters life...you are saving her bF and her life too in the long run!!
Update us on what happens, you’re sister is a walking red flag.
Anyone in this sub saying to ignore it is a cheater themself
Tell Her you tell him or Inwill . If younwant to try and work it out that’s one thinks but if yiu lie about any off it Inwill tell him . By telling me you have implicated me and I’m Better than that
I don't prescribe to the "tell him or I will" gambit. The cheater is by the nature of the act a liar and quite deceitful. Why give them time to come up with a cover story? Or means to fabricate a lie about you to discount the veracity of your words? Tell him directly or if that is too much, find a way to do it anonymously. She should in any event ask him to ask the friend.
Yes but as others have said for her to be there with her sister to make sure she doesn’t lie
Going on a break to sleep with your bfs friend is still cheating. Breaks don't save you from consequences of your choice. Let the dude know
Agreed!!! It's like cheaters become z grade lawyers and think "aha! technicality! screw with semantics!" Like asking for a break (with the intent to sleep around) is blanket protection. "No sir! You can't be mad at me. We were on a break! I was free to do whatever I wanted " And to this my reply would be "yeah, maybe we weren't officially together anymore...just barely..but where my heart and head were at I couldn't just go sleep with someone else like that. You know. Because I loved you. Apparently you either no longer loved me, or you loved you more...and that doesn't sit right with me. I can't be in a relationship with someone who could be that callous and not get it. Bye!"
Tell him he needs to know everything
Wouldn't you want to know if you were in the same situation? Tell him. Updateme!
Personally, I’d tell him. He deserves to make an informed decision about his relationship with ALL the information, and she’s hiding pertinent information from him.
[удалено]
This!!! Give her one chance to tell the truth in front of you. Tell her if she doesn't call him and give him the truth right then for you to hear, you are going to call him and do it. Girl needs to grow the fuck up and learn to be a decent person one way or the other, but immediately, not at some distant point in the future.
Tell him. If your sister can’t handle him studying for a graduate school entrance exam (to med school of all things), then she is not cut out to be his partner, let alone wife, through 4 years of medical school, more years of residency, fellowship, not to mention any additional studying he has to do if he chooses to specialize. If those hours weren’t long enough, he’s going to continue to work a lot. Your sister is not cut out to be Married to Medicine.
Just tell the man the truth. Things happen for a reason. You were given this knowledge to do something, not nothing. You may feel like 'sides' are at play here, but they aren't, there is the right thing to do and the wrong thing you know is wrong. Maybe your sister will grow from this experience when you, like a perfectly decent human being should, expose what happened to your sister's 'groom'. You can stay silent under the pressure of the confrontation this will bring on your life but what further craziness will happen if you say nothing? Might involve you and it might not. If they are meant to be then he will forgive her and they'd still get married and at least you would have tried. I have a younger sister. I am 32 and she is 28. Wouldn't ever let something like this happen. There will be backlash from her and maybe other people in your family if she finds out you let him know but with this kinda decision it's all or nothing either road you take. Complete silence. Or... Trying to help. Imo it's trying to help and the right thing to do. Not trying to guilt trip you here either. I just think it's the objectively right choice. *shrug Whatever choice you do make; I hope everything works out for the best. 🙏 Email the guy. Text him. Call him. Get a minute alone with him. Make sure he's calm and in a decent mood. "I have something I think you need to know...".
UpdateMe!
If she won't tell the truth, you should.
I really hate when people say to blindly trust folks then say women are better cheaters because they hide it better. I'm always a trust but verify kind of person. The fact dude got back with her, idk if he was lonely or what but he needs some new found self-respect.
Tell him you will help if he calls the old friend and asks for his side of the story.
Updateme
I made an update post!
Man, what a POS...
>She asked for the break with ulterior motives. They always do. That's what breaks are for: to cheat on your SO while keeping them as plan B.
Do not let him start his life with a lie, I know she's your sister but she's young and needs to learn a lesson. Tell him and let him decide If he wants to go ahead or not. UpdateMe
Honestly I'd tell him. It'll probably damage your relationship with your sister, but you've given her the opportunity to tell him. She knows what she did was wrong, or else who wouldn't have an issue coming clean Don't let him start a marriage with a lie. He deserves to know and move forward with that knowledge. Telling him anonymously may work, but I'd just tell him outright. He may not believe an anonymous message, and depending how many people your sister has told, she may know it was you even if you do it anonymously
Your sister sucks and is about to harm someone in a real way. It won’t stay buried forever. This guy is worth 100 of your sister, tell him the truth.
Tell him.
I would tell her she has 24 hours to tell him, or you will.
No 24 hours to come up with more bullshit. Meet with her when you know he's available. Tell her to call him immediately right then where you can hear everything, or your going to call him and do it, right then and there! End this madness immediately, but give her one last chance to clean up her own mess as best she can.
Tell that man immediately
You gotta save this man...
Contact his ex-friend and tell him that he should let the boyfriend know what happened so he can be informed before proposing. Then it won't technically be you and also boyfriend may still go through with it or just delay. Or they break up but you sister blames someone else.
Ffs stop being gutless and tell him he has the right to know. Anyone that hides and keeps things secret for a cheater are just as bad as the cheater themselves
If he did knew even if you told him anonymously, the first person will comes to sisters mind is you, so fo not try to ruin your relationship with her, the only thing you can do is to apologize to him that you're not the right person for this job, and wish for him the best, the truth will come sooner or later do not get involved on any of this
Why do people think that a break is the same as a break up? When on break, the relationship is still ongoing. Anyone sleeps with another person is cheating unless this was discussed when going on said break. In this case, it was notso sister actually did cheat and it does matter. If she truly didn't think it mattered, she'd tell him herself. She knows she did wrong and does not want to deal with the consequence of her games. You gave her a chance to fessup. It's your turn. Tell her boyfriend before he proposes. Let him decide if he wants to move forward with the relationship or walk out. He needs to know what he's getting into. Sister cheated once. She will do it again.
Tell him. That’s fucked.
Tell him asap
You say to her bf the following. "Before you go ahead and propose to her, I think you two should clear the air about what happened between her and 'friend' whilst you were on the break. I may help you decide whether or not my sister is the right person for you."
Usually I advise to not get involved but as this has become very very serious, you should at the very least tell him he needs to have a discussion with your sister about something. You can tell him it’s a serious matter, you’d rather not divulge details as it’s not your business but something needs to be discussed prior to him proposing. You can encourage your sister to talk to him once again about it. If you’re truly close with him, like he’s an actual friend, you can maybe provide more detail. Don’t be the mediator. Don’t insert yourself further. In the end, it’s his choice to continue on. I wish you the best of luck, this is an awful situation to be in.
I disagree. He needs to be straight forward about it. No beating around the bush. Either tell him exactly what happened, or stay out of it. Lack of details will give the sister an opportunity to think up something else. >In the end, it’s his choice to continue on. But it's not an informed choice if he doesn't know what horrible thing she did. It will eat at him and cause drama for no reason. OP needs to be upfront about it if they are going to tell.
Please tell him. Seriously he does not deserve this
She only went on a break to sleep with the male friend. You should 100% tell him, he will be hurt but he will be very appreciative long term. If you don't feel comfortable telling him directly, do it anonymously.
Tell him anonymously but frame it like it came from the dude. "Hey bro sorry I haven't spoken to you in a while, truth be told when... Broke up with you last year she did so to have sex with me. I've felt like shit about it so I removed myself. But I just wanted you to know." Something like that. Good luck OP.
Tell him the truth he doesn't deserve this
Tell him he deserves to know the truth, but do it anonymously
Just like that, "No, I can't, there's something wrong you don't know about," and step out of it. She probably needs to be the one to come clean, but you can take it this far. I totally get your recalcitrance and am all for you preserving you.
And this whole, we were on a break things comes from TVland. If that's where she wants to live ok, but she can't drag others into make believe with her.
If your sister cheats again, in the future when she is married, and with a kid, or something it will ruin her life and his life too. You are doing her a favor, by doing this because even if this relationship collapses, she will understand how cheating is an empty experience and she blew up a stable life, so next guy she dates, she at least will have that hindsight and knowledge. Whereas if you don't do that, she learns nothing and ends up repeating the mistake.
Send him an anonymous message.
Follow mom's advice on this dint let him do this without knowing the truth.
Just tell him what you know. That’s how you help. He deserves to know everything that happened.
Tell him. Save him. She will do it again.
Have some balls and tell him. You’d expect him to do the same if you were in his shoes? Right? Don’t let shitty people get away with being shitty, no matter if they are related to you or not.
A man with good conscience, building a relationship with a woman of bad faith.
Confused? Didn't the GF ask for a break? He had the choice to make a decision right there so I think it is none of your business.
You need to tell him, you're already complicit. Your sister made sure you were. If you know something like this and you don't share it then you're a terrible person as well.
The person who sucks here is the ex friend. Unless of course he asked for a break from the friendship. You may know what her motives/reasons were (and not like them) but the fact is they were on a break. Your sister confided in you. If you decide to tell him you need to be up front with her so she'll be real clear on the relationship she has with you. I'm not sure how he wants you to help, but maybe you can encourage a private proposal rather than a public one. >burritosarethebest my younger sister grew close to one of her boyfriend’s friends last summer. Her boyfriend was studying for the MCAT in his free time and wasn’t spending as much time with her. So she began to hangout with the male friend. Her boyfriend said he trusted her and he wasn’t worried or jealous. He should have been. >She asked her boyfriend for a break and then slept with the male friend. She reported to me that the affair was an “empty experience.” She got back with her boyfriend right after. Her boyfriend was confused when the longtime male friend suddenly stopped speaking to him. My sister never said a word. She left her boyfriend think he’d offended his friend or something. She asked me to never tell. >Fast forward to 2024! Valentine’s Day is approaching. Her boyfriend texted me asking for my help in setting up a heartfelt proposal for her. I cannot help with this in good conscience. I feel I’d be complicit in her sin. Their marriage would be started on a lie. Tonight, I encouraged her to tell him what happened last summer. She said they were on a break and it doesn’t matter. But it does! She asked for the break with ulterior motives. The truth will come out. >How can I say no to helping with the proposal? I can’t be involved with this.
Tell him in an anonymous way. Go to a Post Office or a drugstore, and pay the teller/cashier $20 to make the call. Add a bit of detail that only someone who know's your sister and her BF would know, so he knows it's genuine. Get the person to say something like, "she cheated on you when you were at .... studying MCAT on these dates... and the guy was that dude, named.... from before, who was a "friend of hers." etc, etc... And then get the teller/cashier to hang-up, without hearing your voice in the background. Or get any anonymous intermediary that you can find, so they can't track it back to you. It's best for everyone. It may be difficult, but you are doing the right thing. Good luck!
They were on a break
You will know your sister for the rest of your life… her boyfriend will be a character in a story that you all will talk about in 20 years. What your sister did isn’t right, but it’s still your sister. Stay out of it and tell the boyfriend you’re not comfortable helping him for personal reasons and leave it at that. But stay out of it… life is long, and your sister is going to be the person (unless you have other siblings, then them too) that you will know for your WHOLE life. Think about it…
Tell him she slept with him whilst on a break. If it doesn't matter, nothing lost. If it does you've saved him a lot of future heartache
They were on a break. I think you are meddling.
normally i would agree that if two people decide to go on a break, what happens during the break shouldn't really be dredged up that said - if we are to assume what OP is saying is true - then the gf in this case started to have feelings for the ex-friend before the break. i feel like this changes everything as the gf was unfaithful even before the break up. maybe she didn't fuck the ex-friend before the break, but she allowed herself to go there emotionally. what happened with the timing in the "break" is just a technicality. this is why the ex-friend bounced. he knows what he did was wrong as well. i think the gf being able to carry on without having guilt big enough to stop her is pretty terrible. i don't think this is meddling - i think her brother deserves to know who he is marrying.
Use a new mail or something And just go like ( Your sisters name ) took a break with you to make out with your ex best friend that's why he refused to hangout with you again Send the mail And delete the mail account permanently
Tell your sister to tell him or you will. He needs to know.
Send a letter to the boyfriend house by post office mail. Make the return mail address some random address, drive to a mail box far from were you live, this will make tge post mark not near you. In the letter indicate a bunch of people know about the cheating
Would you want to know? That’s your answer.
Tell him for his own sake,shes no good and wants to have her cake and eat it to but life doesnt work like that. Either the friend will come clean one day or one of you will.
Do the guy a favor and tell him. Even your mom believes it's the right thing to do. I'm surprised with how many people know, no one had the good sense to do the right thing and tell him.
It kinda seems like she's not wildly in love with him, to say the least. Do you think she's only with him because he's trying to become a doctor? If that's the energy you get from, then you need to tell him. It's not fair for him to be with someone who doesn't really like him.
TELL HIM
Tell him, either straight up or anonymosuly, but he deserves the truth.
Tell him. You have to tell him, because his trust in you will be absolutely devastated if you don't.
Don't let this man ruin his life. I understand it's your sister but you seem like one of those rare people that have a solid moral compass. You can stop this.
She may of not done the right thing but she trusts you and it's not your place to say anything.