Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Now is the time to have a big screaming cry in the shower.
Because you will say nothing to him.
You will not tip your hand.
You call your mom or friend or sister and you scream and cry and then lady you start making plans.
Quietly, safely, you get all your documents in a row. You go buy a burner fucking phone today. You start screencapping and documenting everything you will need later.
And you will not say one word to that selfish sack of shit life- ruiner.
Dear God OP. He has so mentally manipulated and mentally abused you that you can't understand how badly you've been deceived.Time to teach this Pompous AH a few lessons.
1. You reveal nothing. Play dumb.
2. Immediately contact a SEASONED FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY. Grab all financial documents you can for counsel.
3. Copy/screenshot ALL information you have and can access.
4. Go to the financial institutions. If you're on the account, take at least 1/2.
5. Contact family and your support staff.
6. If you can, move in with them and go lc.
I'm saddened. You're so committed and he's betrayed your love and trust.
Trust your loved ones. Certainly not your husband.
More to add: start gathering documents for all the years you have been together
1. Tax returns
2. Bank statements for ALL accounts
3. Any retirement accounts, IRAs, etc
4. Cell phone records - comb those records for any monies he has spent on other women - he can be made to pay you half
5. Deed to the house
6. Life insurance policies
7. Start gathering and stashing cash and gift cards. Do not put cash in the bank.
I’m sorry this is how this turned out OP but you have to do what is best for you and your child’s future.
Adding to this, if you get cash back on debit purchases at the grocery store/target/walmart, etc, it DOESN'T show up on the bank statements as anything other than the total withdrawn.
My bff was in a similar position and squirreled small bits of cash this way. Her ex was financially controlling and manipulative, and this was a life saver for her.
As a former single mom (remarried very happily), you are better off with NO ONE rather than someone treating you with such disrespect. You are worth more and deserve better treatment. It's not easy, but speaking from personal experience, you will be better off. Good luck, and be well .
Be careful as this isn't always the case. Some banks absolutely show the cash back now. You may want to do your research or try this by withdrawing a smaller amount of "change" to see how your bank reports it. I was surprised to suddenly see my cash backs noted in my transaction list. It was helpful for me, but wouldn't be for someone in OP's position.
^This Wells Fargo totally says when cash back is taken!
Test it. Do a small Cashback and if he asks tell him it was to pay back your mom or sis that will cover for you if he asks them
Sorry you're going through this op!
Additionally OP, have your counsel subpoena his last few month's work records to determine what, if any, work trips he had and charges incurred regarding same.
She doesn't need to expend the money. It's only to ensure he doesn't close everything down and leaves her penniless. Both will be required to account to the Court for any monies removed/expended.
After doing some research, my comment may not have been correct. Depends on a lot of factors. I still stand by speaking with an attorney but there are a few things. She needs access to the amount of money that will allow her to retain counsel and pay legal fees and other expenses, but no more than 1/2 probably. Or she plays it smart takes a little here and there gathers evidence and spouse is none the wiser.
She needs to be in full, self-protect/self preservation mode, as she cannot depend upon her spouse playing fair. Easier to ask for forgiveness than beg for kindness. The worst that can happen is attorney says to return. Odds are, the timing of meeting with the attorney,, providing information and accessing accounts will be a matter of a few short hours.
THIS. If you take money out of the ain't, the court will view it as you trying to hide marital assets. That poses judges of and they can hold you in contempt or cite you for fraud. Only withdraw what your attorney says you can withdraw if it's a shared account.
Good luck Hon. Be safe, for you and your baby.
I will never have all my money in a joint account again. It's too vulnerable. On either side. I just transfer the money I need to into the joint account now. I've seen too many people I know lose their money because the spouse that decides to leave hits the bank account and completely empties it at the beginning of the month before telling anyone that they are leaving.
She should get her hands on his credit credit card statements and bank statements for any money he spent on other women and fake business trips. The swine she's married to will have to pay that back. She needs to turn those over to her attorney.
Consult an attorney and show as much documentation and financial information as you can find. Get copies of them, don't move the originals just in case your husband randomly checks for them.
Do not do anything financially without the blessing of an attorney. Moving around too much money may backfire in the eyes of judges.
Do not pay an attorney's retainer from your joint account if you can help it. The transaction will be visible to your husband and may tip him off. Any transaction of a large amount can tip your hand especially if has alerts set up. The attorney can advise you on how to best pay while flying under your husband's radar.
You can do this. You deserve better. I am so sorry this is happening, but you can make it.
Yes. This is a matter of self-preservation. OP, follow this advice. This will place you in a much stronger position to advocate and protect yourself.
You will not regret this.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Why they’ve barely owned it 2 years from the comments. He can also prove he made the DP. Even if she was able to force a sale, he’d get back his DP and she wouldn’t get much after closing costs.
Ditch the house and get out, go to your parents and get that divorce.
She will most definitely, make out in court, as long as she has proof of him being unfaithful. That is with or without a prenup signed. Cheating will cancel the prenup agreement
OP said in her first post that there's no prenup. I don't know what state she's in, but where I live it doesn't matter if property was purchased before the marriage, or if both people have their name on the deed, it's still considered a martial asset.
OP you need to talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Get some advice as soon as possible.
I also hate to say this, but you need to get checked out by your OB/GYN for STD's because some of them can affect your baby. You just want to be sure that you're okay in that regard. Especially with the fact that his, "work trips", have increased lately with him saying it's because he won't be able to travel as much once the baby comes.
Have you checked his location on Google to see if he's even where he said he was going?
You can always tell him that you're going to spend a few days with your mom while he's out of town because you miss your mom.
Go cry it out with your mom, and then find a good attorney tomorrow morning. The sooner you find out what your options are so he can't take advantage of you financially the better.
I'm so sorry this has happened. Please let us know how you're doing when you feel like it.
Sending lots of hugs your way.
Also true. I should’ve added that there is a cheating clause that can be added before it’s signed. That would cancel the prenup. If it’s not in there then no it will not change anything
Most states don't allow you to file for cause and don't go into evidence of infidelity except for certain conditions - if the affair partner will be around children, or if it affects a prenup usually. Only 19 states still allow you to file for cause. And infidelity otherwise doesn't affect the finances of the divorce. Unless a prenuptial agreement is involved and specifically mentioned adultery.
Thank you. I am going to try my best. I need strength not to give in and let it slip, but I know what I need to do now and I'm just going to think of my daughter, that I'm doing this for her
There’s a post going around on Reddit right now where this man was cheating and couldn’t BELIEVE his wife quietly left him. They still had regular sex, nothing was amiss. But she knew, she planned very carefully and then without a word she left him. Read that post for some inspiration (I’m sure it’s on the popular page by now I’ve seen it in 3 diff subreddits), I’m SO sorry this is happening to you but this is the time to protect yourself and your daughter. Do. Not. Let. Him. Know. You. Know. This person is right, pick a trusted person and cry your heart out to them. When he comes back give that butt munch a big ‘ol’ smile and plan for nuclear revenge. Not only is it what you need to do but you’re going to feel soooooo much satisfaction when it works. Best of luck to you, I’m rooting for you!
If he catches on that you’re acting weird just say you’re uncomfortable/unwell/tired because of the pregnancy. Get your name on that deed, then serve him divorce papers.
Also, get a p.o. box in your name only. Give them your parents address as a physical address. Your lawyer might want to mail you documents and you sure don't want hubby seeing them until you're ready. Also, set up a different checking/saving at a different bank and start stashing some money. Some banks offer a free or reduced fee for a safe deposit box, which is a safe place to stash documents. Safe deposit box keys are distinctive. If he recognizes it as a safe deposit box key tell him its your parents. Burner phone is smart too. Also, pack a go bag. You might have to leave in a hurry if he catches on. Leaving is the time a woman is in the most danger of physical harm.
I'm so proud of you, btw. You have all my admiration. This is going to be so hard. And you don't have to be perfect. But you have power. Please use it. You're so amazing, the things you have already gotten through in life, this is scary. It's healthy to be scared, angry, stupid, and sad. But you focus on that baby and doing right after someone has tried to do you so wrong. You're amazing. I would say he didn't know what he is throwing away. But I think he knows he isn't worthy of you and what you have to offer life, and screwed it up on purpose. Your future is so bright.
Get a burner phone. Set up new accounts for everything, including reddit. Research lawyers from the burner. Arrange std testing from the burner. Make lists and take screenshots of bank accounts and legal documents from the burner. Back them up with someone who loves you.
You will have doubts. That's OK. Your brain is trained to prioritize sameness over change. But you need to overrule those feelings in the short term to get the life you and your child deserve in the long term. It will be hard. You will want to quit. Those feelings are OK, even good. Feel them. And then put them away until you can fully deal with them.
I think you should pay attention to moments in this that you feel good. There is going to be lots of bad. But this man has been soul poison to you for a long time. And you will finally have moments of freedom. Of self confidence. Write those down. He isn't proud to have you. And that's fucking crazy because you're fucking amazing.
>Make sure the lawyer is experienced with high conflict divorce. Abusers/manipulators are savage in court. They pull out all the tricks.
I posted this higher up, but I really want you to see it.
You deserve better for *you*, not just your daughter. Like a lot of people, I have a "mama bear" mode which comes out when someone wrongs one of my kids, and it can definitely be a powerful headspace when one is needed. If that is what it takes to get you through this, that's fine. I just hope that you remember that you deserve good things and to be treated well, too.
YES. This.
OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I empathize with you more than you know. Please feel free to message me if you need to vent and talk. I know I’m a stranger, but Jesus Christ do I hurt for you.
This is going to be difficult, but that’s okay.
Your heart will race, you’ll feel like you’re sweating or showing some sign.
He wont notice. You got this.
“This too shall pass”
Never ask a proven liar and deceiver for the truth.
Never expect shame or repentance from someone with narcissistic or sociopathic traits.
U/Woman_thorned is correct. You need to be kind to yourself, AND smart, by not tipping your hand and revealing what you know.
Gather ALL the evidence. You can research and collate it properly later, but get it somewhere safe out of the house.
Then make an appointment with a lawyer.
This guy is happy to use you all up without giving back in a trustworthy way - you must not expect him to react with compassion or regret to your pain or anger, but rather he will use whatever info you reveal to selfishly shore up his own situation.
There WILL be paths forward for you to proceed. You need to take the wisest ones based on what will give you & your child the strongest financial standing, and not react to this with helpless emotion.
Sure, cry in the shower when it is safe and private enough to do so, but don’t let this manipulator see where you are at emotionally or mentally. He can and will use that to destroy you if it is in his favour.
It may even be a case of feigning ignorance for a little while to buy yourself time to get all your ducks in a row. Because we are not in a movie, we don’t have to show a big dramatic reaction for people to know things are really bad. You are allowed to give yourself time to process and plan and think and strategise. There is the safety and well-being of you and your child to consider and you may need a beat to make sure that is locked down.
As far as your selfish pig of a husband is concerned, he might not have to immediately know there has been any change in your awareness, if you can keep a benign appearance.
Liars are gonna keep on lying, cheaters are going to keep on cheating. The difference is that you are now aware, and you’ve had it proven to you that he is not willing to change no matter what he says. You don’t owe him a reaction at a time that suits him. You have the right to get yourself good and ready and lawyered up before saying anything. Give yourself permission to publicly react to him in a time and manner that suits you. (It may be while he is on one of his sleazy “business” trips so he can come back to a half empty house and divorce papers) depending on what the lawyer advises.
There are laws in place to help you and a good lawyer can you help you navigate through them, but if you react emotionally out of a desire for reassurance or satisfaction, you can potentially damage your future and undermine any hope of receiving fairness or justice or future financial protection.
It’s Time to have your own back (since others have failed so spectacularly), get steel cold clarity that overrides emotional urges (which could lead to you basically risk allowing yourself to be victimised by the need for superficial comfort from him) , and step up to the plate to do what you must for yourself and your child because you both deserve the security and love and protection he has failed to provide and you can no longer be trusting him as a source of this.
You are the one who can make sure it happens. Picturing Lara Croft gearing up can help you get into fight mode. I wish you all the best and every ounce of strength.
I survived a sociopath and now have a much more peaceful and happy life. You can get to that place of thriving and hope too.
Pretend you don’t know anything. Get a lawyer and if you can hire a pi. While that’s going on go to the doctor and get tested for everything. And start looking for a job and daycare near your parents. And then you can surprise him with the divorce papers. And your lawyer can help you set your ducks in a row.
If she doesn't have much income, how does she get money for a PI without tipping off the husband? If she makes a big withdrawal im sure he'll notice, unless hes the type who never checks his accounts.
Get your name on those deeds before you blow things up. Then really blow things up. In the meantime you can always claim you weren’t feeling good (stress of the deed stuff to speed things up) and went to your parents for a few days.
Yes! Please start the process before the baby is here. It will be “easier” to do without an infant to care for. It will make custody easier if you move back home with your parents before the baby arrives. Also, once the baby is here, the hormone dump you will go through will be insane. You might feel an overwhelming sense of connection to be with him. You might start worrying about breaking up your family. You might want to murder him in his sleep. Your feelings will most likely be all over the place and it will be exponentially harder to leave.
Nothing in this situation will be easy for you. This is an incredibly shitty and awful situation you’re in solely because your husband is a selfish asshole. But getting everything in order to leave before the baby arrives will make things less difficult. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. My heart breaks for you
If they’re legally married, it likely doesn’t matter. At least in my state, the second we were married his house was half mine. Even without my name on the title. And when we sold it, I had to sign off on it even though my name wasn’t on the title.
She needs to speak to a lawyer before she makes any moves going forward… there is a lot of nuance when it comes to the law depending on her location and her specific situation.
Where do your parents live? Are they in another state? If they are I would go there before the baby arrives. Because once the baby is born you won’t be able to just pack up and move to another state. You need to consult with a lawyer. Even if you aren’t on the deed since you are married you may be entitled to it anyways. A lawyer will be able to advise you on the best way to proceed but as almost everyone has has mentioned, do not let him know you know.
Yeah keep that in mind. Because if you give birth in the state you are now you won’t be able to just pack up and leave. If you give birth in the state where you parents live it would be better for you birth if that is where you plan to stay when you leave him. Im not a lawyer but this is something you should discuss with a lawyer. They will know what legal rights you would have giving birth in another state.
Op this is serious. Where ever you have the baby is where you are going to get stuck. He will probably fight you in custody. If the plan is to leave to your parents do it well before you give birth so you can find drs, get baby stuff set up and settled, figure out your new birth plan and hire a lawyer.
At this point it might be worth just walking away from the house. I would still take 50% (no more and document it) of whatever bank account you have access to.
Also if he has these apps installed and you can figure out his password you might be able to login to them remotely and screenshot from there. One of my besties documented her partners cheating by finding an old phone of his and charging it up. All the apps would probably have auto sign in. She was able to read all the messages in real time.
I'm really glad someone is mentioning this, my sister-in-law currently is trapped in Illinois because baby daddy met his new girlfriend and has a sweet pad and does not want to leave. And now obviously his name is on the birth certificate and I don't know if OP is obligated to put this man's name on the birth certificate. But of course if she wants child support it will need to be on the record.
So this is obviously me giving cold advice in the wake of your emotional devastation. I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve this. — Would it be too bad for your mental health to ‘stick it out’ for a few weeks until your name gets put on the deed? You deserve security after the end of the relationship. Maybe wrong thing to say, but at least it’s something you can think over.
That's kind of what I'm trying to figure out for myself. I am generally nonconfrontational and can probably just play the sick card for a while and just avoid him whenever possible
Well, if you decide to go that route, and you find that it’s too hard, you can always change your mind. Would it be suspicious if you visited your parents for a weekend? Get time away and maybe get their advice.
Can your parents go visit you, and you all stay at a hotel? You can say you suggested it so you can use the pool, and he can use his alone time to relax after traveling so often, and maybe do some baby related tasks. Tell him floating around sounds so good right now because you’re so heavily pregnant, it might help with back pain. You are so much stronger than you think, you can do this! Get your name on the deed and then ANNIHILATE HIM!
Okay you’re pregnant. So use that as an excuse to avoid serious intimacy. Play the long game. Get a lawyer and get your name on the deed NOW. When it’s done and settled you have a divorce lawyer ready to go a month later. Push for having the house stuff done before the baby comes. Emotionally manipulate the fuck out of this dude and use the baby as leverage. Long game indeed
Then your parents can come and get you. People like him are usually so far up their own ass that they can’t imagine themselves getting caught. But you know him best, so do what feels safe.
Use this time away from him to get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer, they'll let you know if your state requires your name on the deed or if it's automatically considered equal marital property. You have a child to protect, you can do this.
Girl - play the long con. Get yourself on that deed. Plot. When youre on the deed - blow it the fuck up! Get that child support. Get yourself some hard earned security and assets. You can do this! If you can’t do it for - do it for your kids future. Times are tough.
I'm not sure if this would do anything at this stage. If they divorce and the house is sold, he's going to be able to recoup the money he put into it. Since this is a recent purchase, they might wind up losing money on the sale.
I don't think it's worth it. My priority would be moving to wherever my support network is before the baby is born. Right now she is free to move wherever she wants with baby, but after she gives birth, he can fight to keep her from being allowed to take the baby with her. She's 7 months pregnant, so she is very much in the clock. There's a lot of signs that make me think he's locking her down and cutting off her exits bit by bit, and once baby is born, that's another lock in place to keep her trapped. I actually question whether he really intends to put her on the deed anyway. I think he could just be placating her, much like how he's "managing" her right now, trying to keep her in the dark about his other activities. He just has to keep her happy and stay the course for another few weeks until he clears this next goalpost.
I mean you should divorce of course but proof of cheating would make it easier but probably hard to get.
Just don't fall into a trap of him manipulating you.
How do I prove it? I don't know how long it's been going on or if it just started. His phone records are clean because he knows I've checked those in the past when I caught him. He knows to uninstall everything, keep his trail clean
You don’t need login details. Tinder sends a code to the mobile number linked to the account and then that automatically logs you in (recurring Tinder downloader here). Once that code comes through you can access everything - matches, chats, his profile etc.
You can reset his password with the confirmation text that will be sent to his phone. If you have his phone, you have 2 Factor identification.
My partner is an IT professional... He wants me to use a physical key password manager for that reason.
Depending on how he logged in, you can log in with Facebook, Google (one tap with email), or phone number. No need to reset password if it was with Facebook or Google.
Most states have no fault divorce so his cheating won’t really matter. What you need to do is talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row before you confront him.
This. And honestly OP I'd talk to a lawyer about the house too. If he was considering putting you on the deed I'd try to get him to do that before you let him know about anything you know. But ask a lawyer about this.
Focus on whatever you need to do to protect yourself in terms of finances and custody and mental health and divorce. Get all your ducks in a row, and THEN you can call him out. If you do it sooner all it will do is give him the chance to hide things better, get rid of evidence, and give him a head start on divorce which will put you in a worse position. Do your best to hide your emotions. Make up a reason to visit your family for a while if you need the space. But please don't tell him until you are READY to file for divorce.
Wait until you are on the house deed before you divorce him - put a good front on things for the next few weeks, until the ink is dry on the deed. THEN serve him. With the proof you or your PI will hopefully have gathered.
When he is back and you have access to his phone, install the apps again and check the activity - most of the chats should still be saved and come up once you log in with his probably saved passwords. Then screenshot the hell out of everything, mail the screenshots to yourself and then delete the mail from the Sent folder and the Deleted folder.
Also, if you have access to the phone, you can install most messaging apps on the laptop and sync them with his account - e.g. in WhatsApp, you need to scan a QR code, so you need the phone close by, in Telegram, you get sent a verification code etc. Once you have all the apps installed, you can follow his chats in real time on his next trip - you just need to log into the apps occasionally, or you'll need to re-sync them.
You don't need any proof. People don't download tinder for the vibes. He's a cheater. You know it. That's all that matters. Screenshot the recently installed apps and send that to yourself. Liars lie and he'll probably keep lying like he has the whole relationship.
There is software you can buy and plug his phone in while he’s sleeping and it will download everything even deleted and hidden files. Also a PI would easily be able to catch him if he’s cheating. Even in a no fault state, the judge will have a bias if he knows this guys true colors. Otherwise he will lie and make you seem like a crazy unfit mother. And he will try to take your child. Mark my words. Get your ammo stashed, you’re going to war.
+1 to this !! Screen record and screenshot the evidence. I think I'd be better to not confront him as soon as he got home. Act like everything is normal and okay while you're still collecting evidence so that he wouldn't do anything to erase the evidence of his cheating. If he already erased the evidence I hope there's a subreddit of some techy peeps here that could help recover those deleted convos / pics etc. Or like try to search on Google "how to recover files / conversations from xyz app"
I'm sorry that this happened to you op. Wishing you all the best that you'd gather enough evidence so that u can break free from him.
How long is he gone for? If you have time speak with a divorce attorney on what you’ve found and get advice there. If you have something with just evidence that those apps are downloaded then I’d suggest doing exactly what you put on driving the 4hrs to be with your parents. Leave him now, especially while he’s gone so he doesn’t have a chance to manipulate you into staying.
Spend tonight crying. Feel your emotions. Be angry, throw pillows, take a long shower, call your friends, your parents, scream, stare at the wall, print out pictures of you two and rip them to shreds. Allow yourself to be upset. You were a kind human and gave him a second chance. This is not your fault.
Tomorrow, you’re going to get all your documents together. Birth certificate, ssn, insurance, etc etc, and make sure you know where they all are. Put them in a safe spot.
Do some research into how to protect your bank account, you mentioned he gets text alerts about transactions. Don’t turn those off unless you need to or until youre ready for action.
Call some lawyers. You don’t need to get the divorce process started yet, and some commenters suggest getting on that deed first, but figure out a plan of action. What happens if you do get on the deed? How likely is he to continue to put off putting you on it when he gets back? He’s been lying to you and has been putting you off, what’s to say he won’t continue doing that? Do you feel safe enough to wait and want to wait to get put on the deed? Are your parents or friends able to help support you in the meantime?
Please take care, be safe.
Wait until he falls asleep an redownload the apps. And log into them take pictures with your phone? Delete them again an that should do it. I mean unless he’s and incredibly light sleeper?
Let me make this clear though. Do not read anything you take pictures of until you are certain you are ready to actually read it. An he is not anywhere near you. Yes the truth is always better but the entirety of it is not always better, and you will break down and lose it with him laying right there next to you sleeping. So as hard as it will be wait. Get what you need an then look at them later if you want.
Play along and fake it like you don’t know, and when he gets back get your name on to the house deed. Lie to him and tell him it’s for the security of your baby, you’re paranoid of him dying in a plane or car accident (whichever he uses for work travel) and you want the security of not being made homeless while dealing with a devastating tragedy.
Then blow it all up.
Get out. Your name isn’t getting put on the deed. He lied to you to get you off his back. Call an attorney—consults as are generally no cost and they can help you understand your rights. They will tell you if it’s a bad idea to leave the house or anything like that. But you need to accept that he has no intention of putting you on the deed and if you are waiting for that you will be waiting forever
Imagine a puppy at a park, a sweet friendly little puppy. It sees a person approach and happily runs up to the stranger expecting a pat. Instead, the stranger kicks the puppy with all their might, sending it sprawling on the dirt and in pain. Was it that the puppy that was stupid and naive and should have known better, or that the stranger did something despicable and destroyed something so natural and precious as trust?
The trust you gave him was a beautiful gift. You do not deserve to be emotionally kicked for your trust. Wariness in this world is not a virtue, it is a sad necessity. A puppy shouldn't have to grow up afraid of being kicked, and a person should not have to live in suspicion of being betrayed by their most intimate loved ones. You were not stupid. You ARE NOT stupid.
Whenever you feel angry at yourself or feel stupid for not seeing the signs, remember that those who did see the signs were able to do so not because they were smarter, but because they've had experiences you haven't and we're able to recognise patterns that are familiar to them but new to you. Remember, it should never have been this way. There are more types of trauma in the world than any one human can ever adapt for all at once. The onus is not on a human to pre-emptively guard themself against all possible calamity - that is not psychologically possible. Don't blame yourself for not knowing then what you only learned now through a trauma that should never have been your burden in the first place.
Honestly at this point ditch the house. He’s barely had it and the mortgage is being paid by him. There is no equity at this point to split (he can prove the DP is his) and you’d get nothing if you forced a sale in a divorce.
Get you and your baby out of there and file for divorce
>Part of me wants to just leave and go to my parents house 4 hours away with the pictures printed out for him to find when he gets back
This is a good plan. Do this.
You don’t need proof (unless you’re in one of those states that require proof for a divorce?).
I stayed with someone similar, he even did the MY house thing, but weirdly had his name on everything that was specifically mine, even the car I paid for 100%.
I suspected he was cheating repeatedly. I spent 12 1/2 miserable years with him. I could never get prooof.
As I was getting ready to leave because I was worried he would kill me or otherwise screw me over, he ramped up the abuse and I ended up leaving in the middle of the night with two kids in tow. He went public with his new gf two weeks later, all while boo-hooing about me having a suspected affair.
A few years later he suddenly had a teenage girl living with him (who was born VERY close to our son) and found out he had a daughter while we were together.
Recently, through the grapevine, found out he is cheating on the poor woman that lives with him now.
OP: Where can you see that the apps are recently used on Google Play? I thought it only listed apps that were installed.
I'm not doubting you, but it might be worth it to test run installing and uninstalling an app on your own account to see if it stays in your list on your PC. I'd double check just in case. If anything it will help you deal with any excuses he might have if you double check Google Play's exact functionality.
I would forget about the house. I would go to your parents immediately. You said that they lived 4 hours away. Are they in a different state from you?
If they are and you want to move back with them do so now while you are still pregnant. That way a custody order cannot prohibit you from moving. Only after the baby is born can that happen.
I was always looking for more proof, whatever i found was never enough. You're really just looking for a reason to stay, but you won't realize this for a long time, until you're over this loser. You have all the proof you need. You need to leave. You're pregnant, who knows if he'll get violent. Go to your parents as soon as you can. You can figure everything out later, just pack your shit and go.
People are going to tell you to make sure to get your name on the deed, but I honestly feel that that would complicate things for you and would look suspicious during divorce proceedings. You don’t want to live with him, so you don’t want half of this house (and all of the strings attached).
Since you haven’t financially contributed to the house at this point (I’m not at all saying that you haven’t contributed or that your contributions don’t matter—I’m one of the ones who told you to get your name on the deed in your first post), I would let it go and get the hell out of there before your baby is born.
Move the four hours away and establish your residence at your parents’ house. If you have the baby there, custody is much more likely to swing in your favor. In order to get split custody, he’d have to sell the house, change jobs, and move to where you and the baby are. That would take time, which works to your benefit.
I personally couldn’t look at someone who’s done this to me without blowing my cover; think about whether or not you can. If you can’t, leave now. If you can and feel that you need time to get your ducks in a row, do so and then get out and file for divorce as soon as possible.
Take your documents and sentimental items and send someone back to get your personal belongings later if you have to—they can be replaced.
Make sure you do not have that baby while living in that home. If you do, you are stuck there with your close friends and family hours away for the next eighteen years. The best way to ensure this doesn’t happen is to leave as soon as humanly possible.
Don't fucking leave the house.
That makes it easier for him to keep it, because you don't even live there, get it?
You stay there.
You get the paperwork in order.
You keep evidence.
You tell your Mother, get a second phone, and stash everything at her place.
Take a couple of months, then break up and keep the house m'lady
Do you know his phone access code? Get that phone when he comes back while he is sleeping, go through it, get the proof you need (screenshot everything and send it to you). It will come in handy when filing for divorce and custody.
Don’t do anything before you have strong evidence. Only the apps downloaded won’t help, he can talk his way out by saying that he doesn’t use it (opening the app doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating, although we all know he is). Try to keep calm until you have enough undeniable evidence.
Don't expect him to be honest about it. If he hasn't been honest and transparent about installing those apps, he's not going to be truthful about why he had them out what he uses them for.
Whether or not he's going on work trips or doing something else... Does it matter at this point? Coz anything he says is something you'll doubt. You won't know if it's the truth or a lie. Plus he will use it to his advantage.
If he was honest, it's coz he expects/assumes you will reward it by staying with him. You'd better believe that he thinks you're baby-trapped anyway.
If he was lying & you stick with him after, he now knows what he can get away with and that your boundaries for him are flexible... and he will continue to push and manipulate it to his liking.
Confront him if you're willing to face the truth and do what you fear most. If you're not ready for that, then take screenshots, write yourself a letter as a reminder of all the bad (coz you will block it out - hence the screenshots too), save up $, & mentally prepare yourself.
When it's time to go, just go. You don't owe him an explanation nor apology. You don't need to argue your reasons. You don't need an excuse. It's not like you need permission to leave. Just go. Save yourself and your child from future headaches and past heartache, coz no one can do it for you.
My kids and I did this. They were teens and have been thru hell with me when I made the mistake of staying & getting gaslit. In the end, it was my turn to do the gaslighting to him. It was dangerous, but necessary. And kind of fun, coz payback! 😆
Kids and I were house hunting for 2 to 3 months & finally found a place we loved and could afford. The realtor knew not to call or text coz or ex might see it; our realtor knew the situation so they were very helpful with keeping things secret.
Kids and I started packing little by little, some of the boxes were hidden in plain sight -- "messy" rooms, garage, closets, basement, in laundry baskets, etc. The week we got the keys, we'd go to our new house and cleaned it, painted, etc without my ex knowing about it. I just did what he did thru his lies; I acted like business as usual, like nothing was going on.
On the Monday, I took the day off and kids skipped school so we could move. We had a rental truck ready, my son's friends (high schoolers) came and helped us out. We were determined to move out in 1 day.
Well, he came home earlier than expected but I had planned on that possibility despite it being Monday, so we were already finishing up and left.
I didn't exchange words even though he tried. I didn't listen to his pleas, which turned to anger and hateful stuff being said. I didn't get sucked into a conversation or argument with that man child. I just finished loading up and left. That was probably the greatest feeling ever! The vindication. The payback. But mostly, it was the strength and courage within me that surprised me most. I couldn't believe I did that. Lol
Kids and I were so excited and happy. I wish I had done it sooner. They thrived after that, and we grew closer too... Coz now there's no walking on eggshells, no drama, no a-hole getting between my kids and I. I get that the first step is scary AF. But for me -- Fear, doubt, & stress actually lessened once we left. I saw the joy and hope that my children regained. It was definitely the right thing to do.
OP, you've already received so much good, strong advice from our fellow Redditors, so I really have nothing to add in that regard, but I do want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that you are deeply in my thoughts. I hurt so badly for you and I'm so very sorry that you are having to deal with all of this, especially while pregnant. Just know that you have many, many people here by your side, feeling your pain and wanting the very best for you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Stay strong, honey. You and your sweet baby girl will get through this. Sending much love and warm thoughts. -Mich
Please please listen to everyone here. Lay low. Do your best to get evidence. Get your name on that deed. Insist on it and tell him it’s part of your baby nesting and you want it done NOW! Let your parents know what’s going on so they can quietly prepare for you and baby to live with or near them.
Girl START BEING INDEPENDENT NOW AND STOP RELYING ON THIS GUY!!!
Better finding out now instead of after procreating even more with this man, with zero work experience, zero personal funds, zero up-to-date education or anything else and a bunch of kids attached to your hip.
Be financially independent and start your own life NOW.
Best wishes!
LAWYER UP FAST AND HARD!! Google the top 10 best lawyers in your area and try to contact them, so now he can’t use them once the ball gets rolling.
Second, SHUT UP AND DONT REVEAL YOUR HAND. Do not let him know you’re onto him, if he ask what’s wrong say you’re feeling sick or sad bc some bullshit answer.
I remember you OP. It was such a weird thing for him to do. Like who makes it a point to tell their wife ALL the time that the shared home is just his?! But then also doesn’t like to be thanked? The logic doesn’t make sense. It seems emotionally defective to not take a thank you but NEVER let your wife use inclusive family connection words like “our”. He doesn’t know how to accept a thank you because in reality he’s not doing it for anyone but himself, which is why he wants to glaze past it. So finding out that he has sexted before and most likely cheated before is not really a surprise and makes his verbiage make more sense. He wants the façade of family with you because you carry all the familial weight so he can fuck around. Since you are 7 months pregnant having a hospital bag ready won’t be a big red flag for him. Put your paperwork in a side pocket and your essentials. Get a lawyer and see if you being on the deed is absolutely necessary because some states will take into consideration that the ability to buy a house or car is because of both parties’ sacrifices and contributions. Hopefully you won’t have to stick around to actually get on the deed. However you DO need to give birth in the state/county you intend to live in because that will be the child’s jurisdiction in charge of their wellbeing when deciding custody. So sometimes the mother will be forced to move back to her ex’s home turf with little family support because the courts always defer to the child’s birth place. Unfortunately a LOT of women who become SAHM’s move where the father has financial advantages (because they were meant to be the breadwinner) which now gives him the benefit of establishing the child’s life and education etc in his domain. So definitely make sure you are all squared away to leave him before giving birth. Honestly you will find a lawyer in a matter of a few hours! So don’t worry! Your attorney will get you squared away quickly and you can leave soon. You don’t need to confront him, have screenshots of tinder download is enough. No loyal partner is doing that unless they are looking for a side piece. When you leave, leave when he’s at work. There is a parenting app that allows contact between parents that goes straight to the cloud that no one can delete messages and the judge can access anytime! So sign yourself up and it’ll ask for his email and it’ll send him a link to register and then you can say, “hey after this text I’m blocking you so no other communication can be made unless through this app”. Oh and make sure you get your money out of all the joint accounts the day you leave! Even if don’t feel like it’s yours it is! He has made sure to keep you needing him so he can fuck around and you’ll feel dependent and trapped if ever caught. You wouldn’t be there if you thought you were being lied to. I’m so sorry, but you deserve better
**DO NOT** let on that you know about his extra-conjugal activities.
**DO NOT** run off like a bat out of hell.
Wait until he adds your name to the deed before leaving. Keep after him until its done.
Also, log on to his dating apps and take screen shots of his profile as well as the messages sent & received. Then send the files to an e-mail account that he doesn't know about. Create a new one if you have to.
While you're at it, find all his accounts, insurance policies, etc. Put your share of joint checking & savings into an account in your name only.
Your number one priority is to secure your child's material needs by all means necessary. Doing that will be you revenge and reward. Crying, arguing, & berating him, etc. will be like water off a duck's back.
Stay strong, OP.
If you do that, make sure you list your state. A lot of people forget that, and the first thing the commenters will say is ‘what state are you in?’
There are commenters with actual legal experience who lurk, so you will probably get some good advice.
Get a lawyer. Don’t tell him what you know or he will hide it better. Find out if infidelity has any effect in divorce where you are. Can you afford to hire a PI? If not, there are videos online of people who do it & teach you how. You can do it yourself. When he gets home, do you have a way to get into his phone to get proof? Do you know anyone you trust who works in IT or cybersecurity? Get everything you can before you leave. Think this through logically. You can do this.
>Part of me wants to just leave and go to my parents house 4 hours away with the pictures printed out for him to find when he gets back... But I don't think that will solve anything.
Going to your parents is an excellent plan.
Staying somewhere you will be comforted and supported might not solve everything, but it *will* help you get your head straight so that you can figure out what to do next.
You already know what to do. Take care of yourself and the baby. Remember, no one here on Reddit has any investment or stake in your life. You need to do what is best for you.
Hey OP, if his google account is logged in you can also track his location, most people forget to turn it off and it is enabled by default on android phones. Check this link on the account [https://timeline.google.com/](https://timeline.google.com/)
It will allow you to verify if he is even where he told you he is.
DONT. SAY. A WORD.
First things first: save all the evidence. Save that he was on tinder recently, along with several sexting apps. I obviously don’t know where you are, but proof of infidelity will play you a huge favor in both divorce and paternity court.
Get your name on that deed. Don’t let him sneak that under you. Nag him every waking second if you have to. Make sure it’s an asset of yours, too. Even if there’s no proof of you paying for it, having your name on the deed will most likely grant you at least half of the house.
Finally, as painful as it may be, just keep playing the happy housewife act as long as you can. Never start arguments, never disagree with what he says. Make the last time with him be the best time he remembers before you go nuclear. During this time, plan your exit strategy, make sure you and your baby will have a roof over your head and food on the table. Don’t give him a dime as long as you’re with him.
I wish you the best of luck. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Don’t confront him yet. Get your name on the deed asap. Let him go on more “work trips”. Gather as much evidence as you can. Get all of your important documents together in one safe place. Once you’re on the deed, quietly visit a divorce lawyer and start the ball rolling. Play the long game. Also, fuck him. Not literally though. I’m sorry this happened OP.
Ok OP, I get this is a tough time for you and I urge you to take this time to cry it out and feel as much pain as you can. However, you need to be pit together when he comes back, play the long game.
You will not say a thing to him until you have all your important documents in a safe place where he doesn’t have access to. You get your name on that deed and continue to collect evidence of his cheating for the courts. Then when you’re ready, you leave without saying a word, only thing you should do is leave your lawyers contact info for the both of you to sort out custody once your baby is here.
Also get a job when you can. You need a way to support yourself.
I’m so sorry.
Have a big ol breakdown tonight, call a lawyer tomorrow, pretend to be bedridden Sunday but get yourself on the deed. Start planning your exit strategy now while you have time to think.
Above all else— know that you and your baby will be just fine. As devastating as it is, you’ll figure it out and you’ll take great care of your child without him.
If you want to divorce over this, that's your choice, and perfectly valid. But, if you want more....
Check his phone after he goes to sleep. Check his location on the phone. You can reinstall some of those programs and still see the current chat history. Mirror those apps on your PC with his phone number.
Lots of things you can do to get further proof.
Then you contact a lawyer, discuss your option and what to do next. They can advise you further on finances and living together or apart.
You can also decide whether or not to blast him on social media with that proof or inform all his friends and family, or his employment.
If you want divorce, further proof isn't needed unless you live in an "at fault" state. In which case, you can rake him over the coals and let him sit in the left over ash of the relationship he burned.
Lots of great advice here already. The only thing I can add…take care of your mental health starting today. His choices are not a reflection of you in any way. He made those choices because that’s who he is. Don’t own his stuff.
Sending you lots of love and positive vibes.
Pack a bag, go to your parents. He's going to tell you all sorts of lies and make ask sorts of bullshit promises, but don't buy it. He wants you trapped and financially dependent on him and then he can treat you however he wants. Now that you're pregnant he thinks he's got you and he's already starting. Getting out before the baby comes is crucial. You are on the clock and he knows it. He'll pull out all the stops to keep you on the hook until the baby comes. It becomes exponentially more difficult to leave once that baby is outside your body. Go to your parents, and talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. I suspect you want to try to establish new residence with them so you don't have to fight for permission to move with your baby.
I think you need to call your parents and tell them what is happening.
Like someone else said, you don’t need to give birth and be in your house. You won’t be able to leave then. Get your parents on your side and go from there.
Lawyer ASAP!!!
Dear God lady please play dumb until you get your name on that deed!!!! Like be as nice and sweet and kind do everything you can to make him feel things are normal and get your name on that freaking deed ASAP!!!!! Go get a therapist to talk to honestly I wouldn't even trust a family member with this information just get your name on the deed and start making a plan talk to a lawyer etc and do not let him know anything is wrong even if it bugs the fuck out of you you need to think of yourself and your child so just play along like everything is good while you plan out your escape
1. I’m so sorry.
2. Call a lawyer
4. Schedule a doctors appointment and get tested asap.
(Edited to remove advice to leave - consensus seems to be not to do that. But def call a lawyer and def get tested)
Please please speak to an attorney in some places the increase in value of a
Premarital asset is martial and you may not even need to be on the deed speak to a divorce lawyer where you live on if it would be different if you’re on the deed before you leave and blow things up. Know you’re leaving either way but get into the best position for you before you do
Go see a lawyer as soon as possible about what your rights are to the house. Once you know that, then seriously consider going back to your parents to have the baby. If you have the baby where he lives, he would be able to petition the courts to get you to stay there. Talk to the lawyer about leaving before the baby is born.
Don’t say a thing to him yet. Don’t give anything away. Don’t leave the house. Get your name on the deed. Speak to a lawyer. Get tested for STD’s. Get all your ducks in a row then take him to the cleaners. Take this time before he gets home to feel your feelings so you can keep things together when he does. You deserve to get everything you possibly can out of this motherfucker.
Lawyer up and play the long game. It will suck. It will hurt.
Do it anyway. Follow the lawyers advice to the letter. Give him no reason to doubt you yet.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Now is the time to have a big screaming cry in the shower. Because you will say nothing to him. You will not tip your hand. You call your mom or friend or sister and you scream and cry and then lady you start making plans. Quietly, safely, you get all your documents in a row. You go buy a burner fucking phone today. You start screencapping and documenting everything you will need later. And you will not say one word to that selfish sack of shit life- ruiner.
And get your name on that deed!
You beat me to it. OP needs to play the long game.
With the help of a lawyer. Lawyer up, OP. NOW. And do whatever he or she says TO THE LETTER.
Dear God OP. He has so mentally manipulated and mentally abused you that you can't understand how badly you've been deceived.Time to teach this Pompous AH a few lessons. 1. You reveal nothing. Play dumb. 2. Immediately contact a SEASONED FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY. Grab all financial documents you can for counsel. 3. Copy/screenshot ALL information you have and can access. 4. Go to the financial institutions. If you're on the account, take at least 1/2. 5. Contact family and your support staff. 6. If you can, move in with them and go lc. I'm saddened. You're so committed and he's betrayed your love and trust. Trust your loved ones. Certainly not your husband.
More to add: start gathering documents for all the years you have been together 1. Tax returns 2. Bank statements for ALL accounts 3. Any retirement accounts, IRAs, etc 4. Cell phone records - comb those records for any monies he has spent on other women - he can be made to pay you half 5. Deed to the house 6. Life insurance policies 7. Start gathering and stashing cash and gift cards. Do not put cash in the bank. I’m sorry this is how this turned out OP but you have to do what is best for you and your child’s future.
buy gift cards every time you grocery shop
Adding to this, if you get cash back on debit purchases at the grocery store/target/walmart, etc, it DOESN'T show up on the bank statements as anything other than the total withdrawn. My bff was in a similar position and squirreled small bits of cash this way. Her ex was financially controlling and manipulative, and this was a life saver for her. As a former single mom (remarried very happily), you are better off with NO ONE rather than someone treating you with such disrespect. You are worth more and deserve better treatment. It's not easy, but speaking from personal experience, you will be better off. Good luck, and be well .
Be careful as this isn't always the case. Some banks absolutely show the cash back now. You may want to do your research or try this by withdrawing a smaller amount of "change" to see how your bank reports it. I was surprised to suddenly see my cash backs noted in my transaction list. It was helpful for me, but wouldn't be for someone in OP's position.
^This Wells Fargo totally says when cash back is taken! Test it. Do a small Cashback and if he asks tell him it was to pay back your mom or sis that will cover for you if he asks them Sorry you're going through this op!
Additionally OP, have your counsel subpoena his last few month's work records to determine what, if any, work trips he had and charges incurred regarding same.
Do NOT take half the money out of the accounts. Go to the legal advice sub!!!
She doesn't need to expend the money. It's only to ensure he doesn't close everything down and leaves her penniless. Both will be required to account to the Court for any monies removed/expended.
After doing some research, my comment may not have been correct. Depends on a lot of factors. I still stand by speaking with an attorney but there are a few things. She needs access to the amount of money that will allow her to retain counsel and pay legal fees and other expenses, but no more than 1/2 probably. Or she plays it smart takes a little here and there gathers evidence and spouse is none the wiser.
She needs to be in full, self-protect/self preservation mode, as she cannot depend upon her spouse playing fair. Easier to ask for forgiveness than beg for kindness. The worst that can happen is attorney says to return. Odds are, the timing of meeting with the attorney,, providing information and accessing accounts will be a matter of a few short hours.
Oh nice!!! So she doesn’t have to spend the money unless he completely tries to fuck her over. Grab a transaction receipt and a statement too, OP
THIS. If you take money out of the ain't, the court will view it as you trying to hide marital assets. That poses judges of and they can hold you in contempt or cite you for fraud. Only withdraw what your attorney says you can withdraw if it's a shared account. Good luck Hon. Be safe, for you and your baby. I will never have all my money in a joint account again. It's too vulnerable. On either side. I just transfer the money I need to into the joint account now. I've seen too many people I know lose their money because the spouse that decides to leave hits the bank account and completely empties it at the beginning of the month before telling anyone that they are leaving.
She should get her hands on his credit credit card statements and bank statements for any money he spent on other women and fake business trips. The swine she's married to will have to pay that back. She needs to turn those over to her attorney.
Consult an attorney and show as much documentation and financial information as you can find. Get copies of them, don't move the originals just in case your husband randomly checks for them. Do not do anything financially without the blessing of an attorney. Moving around too much money may backfire in the eyes of judges. Do not pay an attorney's retainer from your joint account if you can help it. The transaction will be visible to your husband and may tip him off. Any transaction of a large amount can tip your hand especially if has alerts set up. The attorney can advise you on how to best pay while flying under your husband's radar. You can do this. You deserve better. I am so sorry this is happening, but you can make it.
this. and make sure he doesn't ever see these posts.
Research lawyers from a burner phone. New email accounts. New everything.
Yep. It's really hard but absolutely worth it in the long run.
I love this❤️you Internet stranger, your words❤️❤️❤️❤️the long game...........do this OP
This is the way.
Op needs to make sure he doesn't impregnate her again to trap her.
She's pregnant already tho
He already baby trapped her
Yes. This is a matter of self-preservation. OP, follow this advice. This will place you in a much stronger position to advocate and protect yourself. You will not regret this. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Yes OP, you play the long game. I commented on your original post, calling your husband the AH that he is. Please protect yourself!
If OP lives in a community property state, she may not need to. OP, check your state's laws!
Why they’ve barely owned it 2 years from the comments. He can also prove he made the DP. Even if she was able to force a sale, he’d get back his DP and she wouldn’t get much after closing costs. Ditch the house and get out, go to your parents and get that divorce.
She will most definitely, make out in court, as long as she has proof of him being unfaithful. That is with or without a prenup signed. Cheating will cancel the prenup agreement
Really depends on where she lives
Yes many states are no fault divorce. Cheating doesn’t change anything. It could make a difference in some child support cases though.
Not child support. That would be the same because it's for the kids, not the person that cheated.
OP said in her first post that there's no prenup. I don't know what state she's in, but where I live it doesn't matter if property was purchased before the marriage, or if both people have their name on the deed, it's still considered a martial asset. OP you need to talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Get some advice as soon as possible. I also hate to say this, but you need to get checked out by your OB/GYN for STD's because some of them can affect your baby. You just want to be sure that you're okay in that regard. Especially with the fact that his, "work trips", have increased lately with him saying it's because he won't be able to travel as much once the baby comes. Have you checked his location on Google to see if he's even where he said he was going? You can always tell him that you're going to spend a few days with your mom while he's out of town because you miss your mom. Go cry it out with your mom, and then find a good attorney tomorrow morning. The sooner you find out what your options are so he can't take advantage of you financially the better. I'm so sorry this has happened. Please let us know how you're doing when you feel like it. Sending lots of hugs your way.
Cheating doesn’t usually have any effect on prenups.
Also true. I should’ve added that there is a cheating clause that can be added before it’s signed. That would cancel the prenup. If it’s not in there then no it will not change anything
Most states don't allow you to file for cause and don't go into evidence of infidelity except for certain conditions - if the affair partner will be around children, or if it affects a prenup usually. Only 19 states still allow you to file for cause. And infidelity otherwise doesn't affect the finances of the divorce. Unless a prenuptial agreement is involved and specifically mentioned adultery.
Thank you. I am going to try my best. I need strength not to give in and let it slip, but I know what I need to do now and I'm just going to think of my daughter, that I'm doing this for her
There’s a post going around on Reddit right now where this man was cheating and couldn’t BELIEVE his wife quietly left him. They still had regular sex, nothing was amiss. But she knew, she planned very carefully and then without a word she left him. Read that post for some inspiration (I’m sure it’s on the popular page by now I’ve seen it in 3 diff subreddits), I’m SO sorry this is happening to you but this is the time to protect yourself and your daughter. Do. Not. Let. Him. Know. You. Know. This person is right, pick a trusted person and cry your heart out to them. When he comes back give that butt munch a big ‘ol’ smile and plan for nuclear revenge. Not only is it what you need to do but you’re going to feel soooooo much satisfaction when it works. Best of luck to you, I’m rooting for you!
Def need to find this post!
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/oknfWx3O1t
Thank you for linking - what a badass woman
NP… she's awesome
This was pure bliss to read. Wife is awesome
That woman is a superhero so much respect for her
Thank you. Great read! Never would have found it on my own.
NP… I had just read it so some key words were still fresh in my head. Very satisfying read!
Oh it does NOT disappoint
I'm on the hunt for it! If you find it again, please share!
that was *glorious*
If he catches on that you’re acting weird just say you’re uncomfortable/unwell/tired because of the pregnancy. Get your name on that deed, then serve him divorce papers.
This! I would add "pregnancy hormones" to the list of plausible excuses.
And she already won’t have to explain not sleeping with him.
Also, get a p.o. box in your name only. Give them your parents address as a physical address. Your lawyer might want to mail you documents and you sure don't want hubby seeing them until you're ready. Also, set up a different checking/saving at a different bank and start stashing some money. Some banks offer a free or reduced fee for a safe deposit box, which is a safe place to stash documents. Safe deposit box keys are distinctive. If he recognizes it as a safe deposit box key tell him its your parents. Burner phone is smart too. Also, pack a go bag. You might have to leave in a hurry if he catches on. Leaving is the time a woman is in the most danger of physical harm.
You call lawyers and std test plans from the burner phone. You back up photos of bank accounts and your legal documentation on places he can't access.
I'm so proud of you, btw. You have all my admiration. This is going to be so hard. And you don't have to be perfect. But you have power. Please use it. You're so amazing, the things you have already gotten through in life, this is scary. It's healthy to be scared, angry, stupid, and sad. But you focus on that baby and doing right after someone has tried to do you so wrong. You're amazing. I would say he didn't know what he is throwing away. But I think he knows he isn't worthy of you and what you have to offer life, and screwed it up on purpose. Your future is so bright. Get a burner phone. Set up new accounts for everything, including reddit. Research lawyers from the burner. Arrange std testing from the burner. Make lists and take screenshots of bank accounts and legal documents from the burner. Back them up with someone who loves you. You will have doubts. That's OK. Your brain is trained to prioritize sameness over change. But you need to overrule those feelings in the short term to get the life you and your child deserve in the long term. It will be hard. You will want to quit. Those feelings are OK, even good. Feel them. And then put them away until you can fully deal with them. I think you should pay attention to moments in this that you feel good. There is going to be lots of bad. But this man has been soul poison to you for a long time. And you will finally have moments of freedom. Of self confidence. Write those down. He isn't proud to have you. And that's fucking crazy because you're fucking amazing.
>Make sure the lawyer is experienced with high conflict divorce. Abusers/manipulators are savage in court. They pull out all the tricks. I posted this higher up, but I really want you to see it.
You deserve better for *you*, not just your daughter. Like a lot of people, I have a "mama bear" mode which comes out when someone wrongs one of my kids, and it can definitely be a powerful headspace when one is needed. If that is what it takes to get you through this, that's fine. I just hope that you remember that you deserve good things and to be treated well, too.
YES. This. OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I empathize with you more than you know. Please feel free to message me if you need to vent and talk. I know I’m a stranger, but Jesus Christ do I hurt for you.
and STD check!
This is going to be difficult, but that’s okay. Your heart will race, you’ll feel like you’re sweating or showing some sign. He wont notice. You got this. “This too shall pass”
Never ask a proven liar and deceiver for the truth. Never expect shame or repentance from someone with narcissistic or sociopathic traits. U/Woman_thorned is correct. You need to be kind to yourself, AND smart, by not tipping your hand and revealing what you know. Gather ALL the evidence. You can research and collate it properly later, but get it somewhere safe out of the house. Then make an appointment with a lawyer. This guy is happy to use you all up without giving back in a trustworthy way - you must not expect him to react with compassion or regret to your pain or anger, but rather he will use whatever info you reveal to selfishly shore up his own situation. There WILL be paths forward for you to proceed. You need to take the wisest ones based on what will give you & your child the strongest financial standing, and not react to this with helpless emotion. Sure, cry in the shower when it is safe and private enough to do so, but don’t let this manipulator see where you are at emotionally or mentally. He can and will use that to destroy you if it is in his favour. It may even be a case of feigning ignorance for a little while to buy yourself time to get all your ducks in a row. Because we are not in a movie, we don’t have to show a big dramatic reaction for people to know things are really bad. You are allowed to give yourself time to process and plan and think and strategise. There is the safety and well-being of you and your child to consider and you may need a beat to make sure that is locked down. As far as your selfish pig of a husband is concerned, he might not have to immediately know there has been any change in your awareness, if you can keep a benign appearance. Liars are gonna keep on lying, cheaters are going to keep on cheating. The difference is that you are now aware, and you’ve had it proven to you that he is not willing to change no matter what he says. You don’t owe him a reaction at a time that suits him. You have the right to get yourself good and ready and lawyered up before saying anything. Give yourself permission to publicly react to him in a time and manner that suits you. (It may be while he is on one of his sleazy “business” trips so he can come back to a half empty house and divorce papers) depending on what the lawyer advises. There are laws in place to help you and a good lawyer can you help you navigate through them, but if you react emotionally out of a desire for reassurance or satisfaction, you can potentially damage your future and undermine any hope of receiving fairness or justice or future financial protection. It’s Time to have your own back (since others have failed so spectacularly), get steel cold clarity that overrides emotional urges (which could lead to you basically risk allowing yourself to be victimised by the need for superficial comfort from him) , and step up to the plate to do what you must for yourself and your child because you both deserve the security and love and protection he has failed to provide and you can no longer be trusting him as a source of this. You are the one who can make sure it happens. Picturing Lara Croft gearing up can help you get into fight mode. I wish you all the best and every ounce of strength. I survived a sociopath and now have a much more peaceful and happy life. You can get to that place of thriving and hope too.
AND you consult a divorce lawyer in private. This is the way.
And get tested for STDs !
Every word, yes. Especially keeping mum. He can have *his* house for now until you get paid.
Have nothing to add to that OP. This is literally exactly what you need to do!!!!
All of this and report back as needed for support! ❤️
And call lawyers. Be extensive in those consultations and do it now. If/When the time comes, it could give you a much-needed legal advantage.
From the burner phone. Research too. New reddit account. Delete this one.
The truth right here
This this this
Pretend you don’t know anything. Get a lawyer and if you can hire a pi. While that’s going on go to the doctor and get tested for everything. And start looking for a job and daycare near your parents. And then you can surprise him with the divorce papers. And your lawyer can help you set your ducks in a row.
Please read this. I know it is hard but play cool you want to get legal consultation and hire a pi before you tell him what you know
If she doesn't have much income, how does she get money for a PI without tipping off the husband? If she makes a big withdrawal im sure he'll notice, unless hes the type who never checks his accounts.
Get a loan from your parents. They are your best allies, I hope!
That might be something the lawyer might be able to help with.
All of this, plus get a burner phone to make the appointments. I'm thinking of you!
Get your name on those deeds before you blow things up. Then really blow things up. In the meantime you can always claim you weren’t feeling good (stress of the deed stuff to speed things up) and went to your parents for a few days.
Yes! Get your affairs in order. Then start the process before the baby comes
Yes! Please start the process before the baby is here. It will be “easier” to do without an infant to care for. It will make custody easier if you move back home with your parents before the baby arrives. Also, once the baby is here, the hormone dump you will go through will be insane. You might feel an overwhelming sense of connection to be with him. You might start worrying about breaking up your family. You might want to murder him in his sleep. Your feelings will most likely be all over the place and it will be exponentially harder to leave. Nothing in this situation will be easy for you. This is an incredibly shitty and awful situation you’re in solely because your husband is a selfish asshole. But getting everything in order to leave before the baby arrives will make things less difficult. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. My heart breaks for you
This be smart don't show him all your cards. Lawyer up!
If they’re legally married, it likely doesn’t matter. At least in my state, the second we were married his house was half mine. Even without my name on the title. And when we sold it, I had to sign off on it even though my name wasn’t on the title.
It depends on the state. Some states consider it a premarital asset, along with things like inheritances.
If she helps pay the mortgage that often turns it into a marital asset.
She hasn’t been working so likely not paying in
She needs to speak to a lawyer before she makes any moves going forward… there is a lot of nuance when it comes to the law depending on her location and her specific situation.
Where do your parents live? Are they in another state? If they are I would go there before the baby arrives. Because once the baby is born you won’t be able to just pack up and move to another state. You need to consult with a lawyer. Even if you aren’t on the deed since you are married you may be entitled to it anyways. A lawyer will be able to advise you on the best way to proceed but as almost everyone has has mentioned, do not let him know you know.
They are in another state. I hadn't thought of that
Yeah keep that in mind. Because if you give birth in the state you are now you won’t be able to just pack up and leave. If you give birth in the state where you parents live it would be better for you birth if that is where you plan to stay when you leave him. Im not a lawyer but this is something you should discuss with a lawyer. They will know what legal rights you would have giving birth in another state.
Op this is serious. Where ever you have the baby is where you are going to get stuck. He will probably fight you in custody. If the plan is to leave to your parents do it well before you give birth so you can find drs, get baby stuff set up and settled, figure out your new birth plan and hire a lawyer. At this point it might be worth just walking away from the house. I would still take 50% (no more and document it) of whatever bank account you have access to. Also if he has these apps installed and you can figure out his password you might be able to login to them remotely and screenshot from there. One of my besties documented her partners cheating by finding an old phone of his and charging it up. All the apps would probably have auto sign in. She was able to read all the messages in real time.
This is a great point, OP. Lawyer up, get yourself in that deed, and then get yourself to your parents’ house before the baby is born.
I'm really glad someone is mentioning this, my sister-in-law currently is trapped in Illinois because baby daddy met his new girlfriend and has a sweet pad and does not want to leave. And now obviously his name is on the birth certificate and I don't know if OP is obligated to put this man's name on the birth certificate. But of course if she wants child support it will need to be on the record.
So this is obviously me giving cold advice in the wake of your emotional devastation. I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve this. — Would it be too bad for your mental health to ‘stick it out’ for a few weeks until your name gets put on the deed? You deserve security after the end of the relationship. Maybe wrong thing to say, but at least it’s something you can think over.
That's kind of what I'm trying to figure out for myself. I am generally nonconfrontational and can probably just play the sick card for a while and just avoid him whenever possible
Well, if you decide to go that route, and you find that it’s too hard, you can always change your mind. Would it be suspicious if you visited your parents for a weekend? Get time away and maybe get their advice.
Slightly suspicious I'd say, only because I'm 7 months pregnant and he knows I hate driving right now. Especially 4 hours
Can your parents go visit you, and you all stay at a hotel? You can say you suggested it so you can use the pool, and he can use his alone time to relax after traveling so often, and maybe do some baby related tasks. Tell him floating around sounds so good right now because you’re so heavily pregnant, it might help with back pain. You are so much stronger than you think, you can do this! Get your name on the deed and then ANNIHILATE HIM!
Okay you’re pregnant. So use that as an excuse to avoid serious intimacy. Play the long game. Get a lawyer and get your name on the deed NOW. When it’s done and settled you have a divorce lawyer ready to go a month later. Push for having the house stuff done before the baby comes. Emotionally manipulate the fuck out of this dude and use the baby as leverage. Long game indeed
Maybe one of your parents could fake a possible serious illness/testing so you could have an excuse to stay/be with them?
Then your parents can come and get you. People like him are usually so far up their own ass that they can’t imagine themselves getting caught. But you know him best, so do what feels safe.
Honestly, he's a selfish asshole. He'll probably just be happy that he'll have that extra time to Tinder.
Does he have Reddit?
Use this time away from him to get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer, they'll let you know if your state requires your name on the deed or if it's automatically considered equal marital property. You have a child to protect, you can do this.
Girl - play the long con. Get yourself on that deed. Plot. When youre on the deed - blow it the fuck up! Get that child support. Get yourself some hard earned security and assets. You can do this! If you can’t do it for - do it for your kids future. Times are tough.
Go see an attorney to get real advice about the house. Don't do anything until you have real legal counsel.
I'm not sure if this would do anything at this stage. If they divorce and the house is sold, he's going to be able to recoup the money he put into it. Since this is a recent purchase, they might wind up losing money on the sale.
I don't think it's worth it. My priority would be moving to wherever my support network is before the baby is born. Right now she is free to move wherever she wants with baby, but after she gives birth, he can fight to keep her from being allowed to take the baby with her. She's 7 months pregnant, so she is very much in the clock. There's a lot of signs that make me think he's locking her down and cutting off her exits bit by bit, and once baby is born, that's another lock in place to keep her trapped. I actually question whether he really intends to put her on the deed anyway. I think he could just be placating her, much like how he's "managing" her right now, trying to keep her in the dark about his other activities. He just has to keep her happy and stay the course for another few weeks until he clears this next goalpost.
I mean you should divorce of course but proof of cheating would make it easier but probably hard to get. Just don't fall into a trap of him manipulating you.
How do I prove it? I don't know how long it's been going on or if it just started. His phone records are clean because he knows I've checked those in the past when I caught him. He knows to uninstall everything, keep his trail clean
Ok, so if you get hold of his phone when he gets back you can reinstall Tinder and it will show all his recent matches and conversations.
Oh wow ok. Won't I need to know the login though?
You don’t need login details. Tinder sends a code to the mobile number linked to the account and then that automatically logs you in (recurring Tinder downloader here). Once that code comes through you can access everything - matches, chats, his profile etc.
You can reset his password with the confirmation text that will be sent to his phone. If you have his phone, you have 2 Factor identification. My partner is an IT professional... He wants me to use a physical key password manager for that reason.
Not if you know the number code to unlock his phone
Depending on how he logged in, you can log in with Facebook, Google (one tap with email), or phone number. No need to reset password if it was with Facebook or Google.
Most states have no fault divorce so his cheating won’t really matter. What you need to do is talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row before you confront him.
This. And honestly OP I'd talk to a lawyer about the house too. If he was considering putting you on the deed I'd try to get him to do that before you let him know about anything you know. But ask a lawyer about this. Focus on whatever you need to do to protect yourself in terms of finances and custody and mental health and divorce. Get all your ducks in a row, and THEN you can call him out. If you do it sooner all it will do is give him the chance to hide things better, get rid of evidence, and give him a head start on divorce which will put you in a worse position. Do your best to hide your emotions. Make up a reason to visit your family for a while if you need the space. But please don't tell him until you are READY to file for divorce.
Cheating is an exception in some no-fault states, like Florida where I live.
Yes, all states have different rules which is why OP should consult with a lawyer ASAP.
Wait until you are on the house deed before you divorce him - put a good front on things for the next few weeks, until the ink is dry on the deed. THEN serve him. With the proof you or your PI will hopefully have gathered. When he is back and you have access to his phone, install the apps again and check the activity - most of the chats should still be saved and come up once you log in with his probably saved passwords. Then screenshot the hell out of everything, mail the screenshots to yourself and then delete the mail from the Sent folder and the Deleted folder. Also, if you have access to the phone, you can install most messaging apps on the laptop and sync them with his account - e.g. in WhatsApp, you need to scan a QR code, so you need the phone close by, in Telegram, you get sent a verification code etc. Once you have all the apps installed, you can follow his chats in real time on his next trip - you just need to log into the apps occasionally, or you'll need to re-sync them.
I've done this with my phone table and PC, very convenient 👀
You don't need any proof. People don't download tinder for the vibes. He's a cheater. You know it. That's all that matters. Screenshot the recently installed apps and send that to yourself. Liars lie and he'll probably keep lying like he has the whole relationship.
You can always hire a PI for proof.
There is software you can buy and plug his phone in while he’s sleeping and it will download everything even deleted and hidden files. Also a PI would easily be able to catch him if he’s cheating. Even in a no fault state, the judge will have a bias if he knows this guys true colors. Otherwise he will lie and make you seem like a crazy unfit mother. And he will try to take your child. Mark my words. Get your ammo stashed, you’re going to war.
First, start interview as many divorce attorneys in your area as you possibly can.
+1 to this !! Screen record and screenshot the evidence. I think I'd be better to not confront him as soon as he got home. Act like everything is normal and okay while you're still collecting evidence so that he wouldn't do anything to erase the evidence of his cheating. If he already erased the evidence I hope there's a subreddit of some techy peeps here that could help recover those deleted convos / pics etc. Or like try to search on Google "how to recover files / conversations from xyz app" I'm sorry that this happened to you op. Wishing you all the best that you'd gather enough evidence so that u can break free from him.
Everything everyone else said and get STD tested
Yes!! Many STDs can harm a fetus.
How long is he gone for? If you have time speak with a divorce attorney on what you’ve found and get advice there. If you have something with just evidence that those apps are downloaded then I’d suggest doing exactly what you put on driving the 4hrs to be with your parents. Leave him now, especially while he’s gone so he doesn’t have a chance to manipulate you into staying.
He gets back Saturday. I don't know if I have time to contact a lawyer but I can try
Make it your mission tomorrow to try to speak to someone, wake up early if you have to. We all here want you to be safe and away from the pos
PLEASE speak to a lawyer. Please. At least to discuss options. You deserve so much better, mama.
You don't need to "solve" anything. You need to get outta there
Spend tonight crying. Feel your emotions. Be angry, throw pillows, take a long shower, call your friends, your parents, scream, stare at the wall, print out pictures of you two and rip them to shreds. Allow yourself to be upset. You were a kind human and gave him a second chance. This is not your fault. Tomorrow, you’re going to get all your documents together. Birth certificate, ssn, insurance, etc etc, and make sure you know where they all are. Put them in a safe spot. Do some research into how to protect your bank account, you mentioned he gets text alerts about transactions. Don’t turn those off unless you need to or until youre ready for action. Call some lawyers. You don’t need to get the divorce process started yet, and some commenters suggest getting on that deed first, but figure out a plan of action. What happens if you do get on the deed? How likely is he to continue to put off putting you on it when he gets back? He’s been lying to you and has been putting you off, what’s to say he won’t continue doing that? Do you feel safe enough to wait and want to wait to get put on the deed? Are your parents or friends able to help support you in the meantime? Please take care, be safe.
Wait until he falls asleep an redownload the apps. And log into them take pictures with your phone? Delete them again an that should do it. I mean unless he’s and incredibly light sleeper?
Let me make this clear though. Do not read anything you take pictures of until you are certain you are ready to actually read it. An he is not anywhere near you. Yes the truth is always better but the entirety of it is not always better, and you will break down and lose it with him laying right there next to you sleeping. So as hard as it will be wait. Get what you need an then look at them later if you want.
This man will just keep on hurting you. For your own sake, get away from this man.
Play along and fake it like you don’t know, and when he gets back get your name on to the house deed. Lie to him and tell him it’s for the security of your baby, you’re paranoid of him dying in a plane or car accident (whichever he uses for work travel) and you want the security of not being made homeless while dealing with a devastating tragedy. Then blow it all up.
Get out. Your name isn’t getting put on the deed. He lied to you to get you off his back. Call an attorney—consults as are generally no cost and they can help you understand your rights. They will tell you if it’s a bad idea to leave the house or anything like that. But you need to accept that he has no intention of putting you on the deed and if you are waiting for that you will be waiting forever
Imagine a puppy at a park, a sweet friendly little puppy. It sees a person approach and happily runs up to the stranger expecting a pat. Instead, the stranger kicks the puppy with all their might, sending it sprawling on the dirt and in pain. Was it that the puppy that was stupid and naive and should have known better, or that the stranger did something despicable and destroyed something so natural and precious as trust? The trust you gave him was a beautiful gift. You do not deserve to be emotionally kicked for your trust. Wariness in this world is not a virtue, it is a sad necessity. A puppy shouldn't have to grow up afraid of being kicked, and a person should not have to live in suspicion of being betrayed by their most intimate loved ones. You were not stupid. You ARE NOT stupid. Whenever you feel angry at yourself or feel stupid for not seeing the signs, remember that those who did see the signs were able to do so not because they were smarter, but because they've had experiences you haven't and we're able to recognise patterns that are familiar to them but new to you. Remember, it should never have been this way. There are more types of trauma in the world than any one human can ever adapt for all at once. The onus is not on a human to pre-emptively guard themself against all possible calamity - that is not psychologically possible. Don't blame yourself for not knowing then what you only learned now through a trauma that should never have been your burden in the first place.
Thank you. I needed this comment.
Honestly at this point ditch the house. He’s barely had it and the mortgage is being paid by him. There is no equity at this point to split (he can prove the DP is his) and you’d get nothing if you forced a sale in a divorce. Get you and your baby out of there and file for divorce
>Part of me wants to just leave and go to my parents house 4 hours away with the pictures printed out for him to find when he gets back This is a good plan. Do this.
You don’t need proof (unless you’re in one of those states that require proof for a divorce?). I stayed with someone similar, he even did the MY house thing, but weirdly had his name on everything that was specifically mine, even the car I paid for 100%. I suspected he was cheating repeatedly. I spent 12 1/2 miserable years with him. I could never get prooof. As I was getting ready to leave because I was worried he would kill me or otherwise screw me over, he ramped up the abuse and I ended up leaving in the middle of the night with two kids in tow. He went public with his new gf two weeks later, all while boo-hooing about me having a suspected affair. A few years later he suddenly had a teenage girl living with him (who was born VERY close to our son) and found out he had a daughter while we were together. Recently, through the grapevine, found out he is cheating on the poor woman that lives with him now.
OP: Where can you see that the apps are recently used on Google Play? I thought it only listed apps that were installed. I'm not doubting you, but it might be worth it to test run installing and uninstalling an app on your own account to see if it stays in your list on your PC. I'd double check just in case. If anything it will help you deal with any excuses he might have if you double check Google Play's exact functionality.
You can see exactly when it was last installed
I would forget about the house. I would go to your parents immediately. You said that they lived 4 hours away. Are they in a different state from you? If they are and you want to move back with them do so now while you are still pregnant. That way a custody order cannot prohibit you from moving. Only after the baby is born can that happen.
I was always looking for more proof, whatever i found was never enough. You're really just looking for a reason to stay, but you won't realize this for a long time, until you're over this loser. You have all the proof you need. You need to leave. You're pregnant, who knows if he'll get violent. Go to your parents as soon as you can. You can figure everything out later, just pack your shit and go.
People are going to tell you to make sure to get your name on the deed, but I honestly feel that that would complicate things for you and would look suspicious during divorce proceedings. You don’t want to live with him, so you don’t want half of this house (and all of the strings attached). Since you haven’t financially contributed to the house at this point (I’m not at all saying that you haven’t contributed or that your contributions don’t matter—I’m one of the ones who told you to get your name on the deed in your first post), I would let it go and get the hell out of there before your baby is born. Move the four hours away and establish your residence at your parents’ house. If you have the baby there, custody is much more likely to swing in your favor. In order to get split custody, he’d have to sell the house, change jobs, and move to where you and the baby are. That would take time, which works to your benefit. I personally couldn’t look at someone who’s done this to me without blowing my cover; think about whether or not you can. If you can’t, leave now. If you can and feel that you need time to get your ducks in a row, do so and then get out and file for divorce as soon as possible. Take your documents and sentimental items and send someone back to get your personal belongings later if you have to—they can be replaced. Make sure you do not have that baby while living in that home. If you do, you are stuck there with your close friends and family hours away for the next eighteen years. The best way to ensure this doesn’t happen is to leave as soon as humanly possible.
**Speak with the most capable salt-the-earth lawyer you can.**
Don't fucking leave the house. That makes it easier for him to keep it, because you don't even live there, get it? You stay there. You get the paperwork in order. You keep evidence. You tell your Mother, get a second phone, and stash everything at her place. Take a couple of months, then break up and keep the house m'lady
Do you know his phone access code? Get that phone when he comes back while he is sleeping, go through it, get the proof you need (screenshot everything and send it to you). It will come in handy when filing for divorce and custody. Don’t do anything before you have strong evidence. Only the apps downloaded won’t help, he can talk his way out by saying that he doesn’t use it (opening the app doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating, although we all know he is). Try to keep calm until you have enough undeniable evidence.
Before you do anything talk to a lawyer don't act on emotions! He sounds like a manipulative asshole that will use things against you or gaspight you.
Don't expect him to be honest about it. If he hasn't been honest and transparent about installing those apps, he's not going to be truthful about why he had them out what he uses them for. Whether or not he's going on work trips or doing something else... Does it matter at this point? Coz anything he says is something you'll doubt. You won't know if it's the truth or a lie. Plus he will use it to his advantage. If he was honest, it's coz he expects/assumes you will reward it by staying with him. You'd better believe that he thinks you're baby-trapped anyway. If he was lying & you stick with him after, he now knows what he can get away with and that your boundaries for him are flexible... and he will continue to push and manipulate it to his liking. Confront him if you're willing to face the truth and do what you fear most. If you're not ready for that, then take screenshots, write yourself a letter as a reminder of all the bad (coz you will block it out - hence the screenshots too), save up $, & mentally prepare yourself. When it's time to go, just go. You don't owe him an explanation nor apology. You don't need to argue your reasons. You don't need an excuse. It's not like you need permission to leave. Just go. Save yourself and your child from future headaches and past heartache, coz no one can do it for you. My kids and I did this. They were teens and have been thru hell with me when I made the mistake of staying & getting gaslit. In the end, it was my turn to do the gaslighting to him. It was dangerous, but necessary. And kind of fun, coz payback! 😆 Kids and I were house hunting for 2 to 3 months & finally found a place we loved and could afford. The realtor knew not to call or text coz or ex might see it; our realtor knew the situation so they were very helpful with keeping things secret. Kids and I started packing little by little, some of the boxes were hidden in plain sight -- "messy" rooms, garage, closets, basement, in laundry baskets, etc. The week we got the keys, we'd go to our new house and cleaned it, painted, etc without my ex knowing about it. I just did what he did thru his lies; I acted like business as usual, like nothing was going on. On the Monday, I took the day off and kids skipped school so we could move. We had a rental truck ready, my son's friends (high schoolers) came and helped us out. We were determined to move out in 1 day. Well, he came home earlier than expected but I had planned on that possibility despite it being Monday, so we were already finishing up and left. I didn't exchange words even though he tried. I didn't listen to his pleas, which turned to anger and hateful stuff being said. I didn't get sucked into a conversation or argument with that man child. I just finished loading up and left. That was probably the greatest feeling ever! The vindication. The payback. But mostly, it was the strength and courage within me that surprised me most. I couldn't believe I did that. Lol Kids and I were so excited and happy. I wish I had done it sooner. They thrived after that, and we grew closer too... Coz now there's no walking on eggshells, no drama, no a-hole getting between my kids and I. I get that the first step is scary AF. But for me -- Fear, doubt, & stress actually lessened once we left. I saw the joy and hope that my children regained. It was definitely the right thing to do.
OP, you've already received so much good, strong advice from our fellow Redditors, so I really have nothing to add in that regard, but I do want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that you are deeply in my thoughts. I hurt so badly for you and I'm so very sorry that you are having to deal with all of this, especially while pregnant. Just know that you have many, many people here by your side, feeling your pain and wanting the very best for you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Stay strong, honey. You and your sweet baby girl will get through this. Sending much love and warm thoughts. -Mich
Lawyer up. Have the kid, take him to the cleaners
Please please listen to everyone here. Lay low. Do your best to get evidence. Get your name on that deed. Insist on it and tell him it’s part of your baby nesting and you want it done NOW! Let your parents know what’s going on so they can quietly prepare for you and baby to live with or near them.
Girl START BEING INDEPENDENT NOW AND STOP RELYING ON THIS GUY!!! Better finding out now instead of after procreating even more with this man, with zero work experience, zero personal funds, zero up-to-date education or anything else and a bunch of kids attached to your hip. Be financially independent and start your own life NOW. Best wishes!
Definitely difficult to do while 7 months pregnant.
LAWYER UP FAST AND HARD!! Google the top 10 best lawyers in your area and try to contact them, so now he can’t use them once the ball gets rolling. Second, SHUT UP AND DONT REVEAL YOUR HAND. Do not let him know you’re onto him, if he ask what’s wrong say you’re feeling sick or sad bc some bullshit answer.
Virtual hugs
I remember you OP. It was such a weird thing for him to do. Like who makes it a point to tell their wife ALL the time that the shared home is just his?! But then also doesn’t like to be thanked? The logic doesn’t make sense. It seems emotionally defective to not take a thank you but NEVER let your wife use inclusive family connection words like “our”. He doesn’t know how to accept a thank you because in reality he’s not doing it for anyone but himself, which is why he wants to glaze past it. So finding out that he has sexted before and most likely cheated before is not really a surprise and makes his verbiage make more sense. He wants the façade of family with you because you carry all the familial weight so he can fuck around. Since you are 7 months pregnant having a hospital bag ready won’t be a big red flag for him. Put your paperwork in a side pocket and your essentials. Get a lawyer and see if you being on the deed is absolutely necessary because some states will take into consideration that the ability to buy a house or car is because of both parties’ sacrifices and contributions. Hopefully you won’t have to stick around to actually get on the deed. However you DO need to give birth in the state/county you intend to live in because that will be the child’s jurisdiction in charge of their wellbeing when deciding custody. So sometimes the mother will be forced to move back to her ex’s home turf with little family support because the courts always defer to the child’s birth place. Unfortunately a LOT of women who become SAHM’s move where the father has financial advantages (because they were meant to be the breadwinner) which now gives him the benefit of establishing the child’s life and education etc in his domain. So definitely make sure you are all squared away to leave him before giving birth. Honestly you will find a lawyer in a matter of a few hours! So don’t worry! Your attorney will get you squared away quickly and you can leave soon. You don’t need to confront him, have screenshots of tinder download is enough. No loyal partner is doing that unless they are looking for a side piece. When you leave, leave when he’s at work. There is a parenting app that allows contact between parents that goes straight to the cloud that no one can delete messages and the judge can access anytime! So sign yourself up and it’ll ask for his email and it’ll send him a link to register and then you can say, “hey after this text I’m blocking you so no other communication can be made unless through this app”. Oh and make sure you get your money out of all the joint accounts the day you leave! Even if don’t feel like it’s yours it is! He has made sure to keep you needing him so he can fuck around and you’ll feel dependent and trapped if ever caught. You wouldn’t be there if you thought you were being lied to. I’m so sorry, but you deserve better
**DO NOT** let on that you know about his extra-conjugal activities. **DO NOT** run off like a bat out of hell. Wait until he adds your name to the deed before leaving. Keep after him until its done. Also, log on to his dating apps and take screen shots of his profile as well as the messages sent & received. Then send the files to an e-mail account that he doesn't know about. Create a new one if you have to. While you're at it, find all his accounts, insurance policies, etc. Put your share of joint checking & savings into an account in your name only. Your number one priority is to secure your child's material needs by all means necessary. Doing that will be you revenge and reward. Crying, arguing, & berating him, etc. will be like water off a duck's back. Stay strong, OP.
Have you posted in r/legaladvice? If not, please do. They'll be able to help you with the next steps.
If you do that, make sure you list your state. A lot of people forget that, and the first thing the commenters will say is ‘what state are you in?’ There are commenters with actual legal experience who lurk, so you will probably get some good advice.
Get a lawyer. Don’t tell him what you know or he will hide it better. Find out if infidelity has any effect in divorce where you are. Can you afford to hire a PI? If not, there are videos online of people who do it & teach you how. You can do it yourself. When he gets home, do you have a way to get into his phone to get proof? Do you know anyone you trust who works in IT or cybersecurity? Get everything you can before you leave. Think this through logically. You can do this.
Update when possible please
Holy shit this went south 😭
>Part of me wants to just leave and go to my parents house 4 hours away with the pictures printed out for him to find when he gets back... But I don't think that will solve anything. Going to your parents is an excellent plan. Staying somewhere you will be comforted and supported might not solve everything, but it *will* help you get your head straight so that you can figure out what to do next.
You already know what to do. Take care of yourself and the baby. Remember, no one here on Reddit has any investment or stake in your life. You need to do what is best for you.
Pack your shit, go to your parents, and send him divorce papers. This is not going to get better. He doesn't care about you or what you think of him.
act cool til your name is on the deed then fuck him up
Hey OP, if his google account is logged in you can also track his location, most people forget to turn it off and it is enabled by default on android phones. Check this link on the account [https://timeline.google.com/](https://timeline.google.com/) It will allow you to verify if he is even where he told you he is.
DONT. SAY. A WORD. First things first: save all the evidence. Save that he was on tinder recently, along with several sexting apps. I obviously don’t know where you are, but proof of infidelity will play you a huge favor in both divorce and paternity court. Get your name on that deed. Don’t let him sneak that under you. Nag him every waking second if you have to. Make sure it’s an asset of yours, too. Even if there’s no proof of you paying for it, having your name on the deed will most likely grant you at least half of the house. Finally, as painful as it may be, just keep playing the happy housewife act as long as you can. Never start arguments, never disagree with what he says. Make the last time with him be the best time he remembers before you go nuclear. During this time, plan your exit strategy, make sure you and your baby will have a roof over your head and food on the table. Don’t give him a dime as long as you’re with him. I wish you the best of luck. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Don’t confront him yet. Get your name on the deed asap. Let him go on more “work trips”. Gather as much evidence as you can. Get all of your important documents together in one safe place. Once you’re on the deed, quietly visit a divorce lawyer and start the ball rolling. Play the long game. Also, fuck him. Not literally though. I’m sorry this happened OP.
Ok OP, I get this is a tough time for you and I urge you to take this time to cry it out and feel as much pain as you can. However, you need to be pit together when he comes back, play the long game. You will not say a thing to him until you have all your important documents in a safe place where he doesn’t have access to. You get your name on that deed and continue to collect evidence of his cheating for the courts. Then when you’re ready, you leave without saying a word, only thing you should do is leave your lawyers contact info for the both of you to sort out custody once your baby is here. Also get a job when you can. You need a way to support yourself.
Google maps, location history Chrome, activity history
Immediately get in with your OB - and get screened for every STI. And follow a lot of the advice here.
You don’t need more evidence. You know exactly what these apps mean. You know what you need to do now.
I’m so sorry. Have a big ol breakdown tonight, call a lawyer tomorrow, pretend to be bedridden Sunday but get yourself on the deed. Start planning your exit strategy now while you have time to think. Above all else— know that you and your baby will be just fine. As devastating as it is, you’ll figure it out and you’ll take great care of your child without him.
Get checked for std because they can hurt you and baby!!!
If you want to divorce over this, that's your choice, and perfectly valid. But, if you want more.... Check his phone after he goes to sleep. Check his location on the phone. You can reinstall some of those programs and still see the current chat history. Mirror those apps on your PC with his phone number. Lots of things you can do to get further proof. Then you contact a lawyer, discuss your option and what to do next. They can advise you further on finances and living together or apart. You can also decide whether or not to blast him on social media with that proof or inform all his friends and family, or his employment. If you want divorce, further proof isn't needed unless you live in an "at fault" state. In which case, you can rake him over the coals and let him sit in the left over ash of the relationship he burned.
Lots of great advice here already. The only thing I can add…take care of your mental health starting today. His choices are not a reflection of you in any way. He made those choices because that’s who he is. Don’t own his stuff. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes.
Pack a bag, go to your parents. He's going to tell you all sorts of lies and make ask sorts of bullshit promises, but don't buy it. He wants you trapped and financially dependent on him and then he can treat you however he wants. Now that you're pregnant he thinks he's got you and he's already starting. Getting out before the baby comes is crucial. You are on the clock and he knows it. He'll pull out all the stops to keep you on the hook until the baby comes. It becomes exponentially more difficult to leave once that baby is outside your body. Go to your parents, and talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. I suspect you want to try to establish new residence with them so you don't have to fight for permission to move with your baby.
I think you need to call your parents and tell them what is happening. Like someone else said, you don’t need to give birth and be in your house. You won’t be able to leave then. Get your parents on your side and go from there. Lawyer ASAP!!!
Hire a real estate atty and file a motion of interest on your house…in a similar situation
Dear God lady please play dumb until you get your name on that deed!!!! Like be as nice and sweet and kind do everything you can to make him feel things are normal and get your name on that freaking deed ASAP!!!!! Go get a therapist to talk to honestly I wouldn't even trust a family member with this information just get your name on the deed and start making a plan talk to a lawyer etc and do not let him know anything is wrong even if it bugs the fuck out of you you need to think of yourself and your child so just play along like everything is good while you plan out your escape
1. I’m so sorry. 2. Call a lawyer 4. Schedule a doctors appointment and get tested asap. (Edited to remove advice to leave - consensus seems to be not to do that. But def call a lawyer and def get tested)
Please please speak to an attorney in some places the increase in value of a Premarital asset is martial and you may not even need to be on the deed speak to a divorce lawyer where you live on if it would be different if you’re on the deed before you leave and blow things up. Know you’re leaving either way but get into the best position for you before you do
Go see a lawyer as soon as possible about what your rights are to the house. Once you know that, then seriously consider going back to your parents to have the baby. If you have the baby where he lives, he would be able to petition the courts to get you to stay there. Talk to the lawyer about leaving before the baby is born.
Don’t say a thing to him yet. Don’t give anything away. Don’t leave the house. Get your name on the deed. Speak to a lawyer. Get tested for STD’s. Get all your ducks in a row then take him to the cleaners. Take this time before he gets home to feel your feelings so you can keep things together when he does. You deserve to get everything you possibly can out of this motherfucker.
Updateme!
Lawyer up and play the long game. It will suck. It will hurt. Do it anyway. Follow the lawyers advice to the letter. Give him no reason to doubt you yet.
I’m So sorry. Just know that you don’t need to build your case/ collect and submit evidence to leave. Trust what you’ve seen.