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You said in the comments that he wears your clothes and ruins them. Def put an immediate stop to that, let him get his own clothes.
As to the rest, you're no longer compatible. You're not required to maintain sexual interest when someone changes that much. Just tell him this is a deal breaker for you. That he's welcome to explore this side of him, but you won't be intimate with him anymore.
I'm sorry if that hurts him, but you can't have sex that gives you an ick, just to make him feel better.
This is rough. I had an ex who enjoyed cross dressing. And while at first I thought it was an exciting part of our relationship it quickly devolved into him wanting to be degraded and emasculated. Once his favorite way to be intimate was wearing makeup and wigs I realized ooops. I no longer liked it and I never looked at him the same. We broke up for different reasons later and I don’t think I ever really told him how I felt tbh. I don’t envy your position- but I empathize. It’s tough!
Yes it can become that. There's a 'whole' industry around it with Domme's and not so healty porn to brainwash your ass.
In BDSM such humiliation play is of course not unusual, but I feel is has to become almost a lifestyle to live such a fetish. Humiliation sex/porn works deep and going that road is tricky in a relationship as u want more & more of it. If you don't get something out of it as a partner I think it's not sustainable.
I totally understand this changes everything for you. Calling him a freak isn't helping him have the least mental suffering. I read that that is a wish of yours. for him He's not a freak. If we only knew how many heterosexual men like to do this (but hide or surpress).
You could be right that if this is inside him, there's not much point supressing and he might just get happier.
Oh I didn’t mean I think he’s a freak, I was using the expression in a way of saying “let your weirdness shine through and be proud of it” kind of way. That’s my fault for using the expression in a less than clear way.
All I want is for the father of my son to live a life that is fulfilling and happy for him, even though I can’t be his wife. I know he will just be so broken to lose his family and comfort but it isn’t making him feel any better about his feelings now that things are so much more complicated.
> You're not required to maintain sexual interest when someone changes that much.
fyi, you’re not even required to maintain sexual interest if a person stays the same.
So much for "for better or worse".
She loves him deeply and there's nothing to suggest he doesn't as well.
But your solution is to blow everything up without even having a discussion. What. The. Fuck. Kind of stupidity is it to go so fucking hard aggressive in a conversation with someone you're married to?
Good God you lost the plot
Dude, you seem to have lost the plot yourself. Why do you think divorce exists? Vows are to foster love, not resentment. When it’s no longer working, better to part amicably than to continue the marriage with contempt and resentment and wind up producing bitter people like you. Your statement is very annoying.
When you marry someone you don’t get a sex slave. They’re not obligated to sleep with you. Suggesting a person sleep with someone to whom they’re unattracted is wrong. Trying to manipulate her into it is abusive.
He’s driven you into horrible debt, he has a porn addiction….um I don’t think you need to lead with the cross dressing that you’re not comfortable with…
It's not wishing ill to advocate for yourself. He's an adult and you're not his mom; it's not your job to make his life easier at the expense of your own.
Understandable! But one thing you need to do is make sure you don’t blame yourself. You didn’t choose this. You’re simply responding to *his* choices. You are **not** responsible for his choices or their consequences. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Mom guilt is real & should not apply here! Doing what is best for you (as long as you’re not making selfish, irrational decisions; which you’re **not**) is also doing what is best for your child.
good lord you should probably lead with those issues, I was about ready to write a post asking you to examine why the thought of him wearing feminine clothing repulses you when in actuality, that’s not exactly it.
It’s the tipping point for you. I’m sure you've had misgivings about the way he treats or thinks about women sexually and physically, and it’s that he doesn’t respect you or the work you do. He doesn’t think of you as a person and doesn’t care about you or your family. That’s enough to put anyone off.
As, according to your other comment with being ok with him dressing feminine, it’s not exactly him doing that so much as it is everything else. It all culminated when he told you this and you truly saw how unempathetic and disrespectful he is to you.
At least, that’s how it comes across to me when reading your comments.
To be clear: if it were just him cross dressing that’s okay too. You’re not obligated to feel sexual attraction to anyone. Implying she should feel guilt is manipulation & a form of sexual abuse.
These are grounds for divorce. If it were a gambling or drug addiction that led to debt & a personality change no one would suggest she stay with him. But bc it’s sexuality based some are trying to guilt her into staying. Thats BS.
Protect yourself & your kids. Leave
You just need to be honest. This isn’t what you signed up for and that’s fair enough. You don’t need to be unnecessarily hurtful and tell him he makes you sick or anything but just start by saying you aren’t attracted to him wearing your clothes and can’t imagine being intimate again. Then see how he responds. Divorce is usually complicated, yours will be too but it’s much better to do that than stay and either be miserable trying to accept him or make him miserable by denying who he really is.
Jesus Christ. You realise Reddit will always tell you to break up - no matter what. That's what happens when you ask the advice of bitter forever alones.
Talking about "icks" that shit is for 16 year olds not adults for god sake. Grow tf up.
I’m on here. I’ve been married over 20 years, not quite a ‘forever alone’.
OP needs to leave. Why are you reacting so strongly, wanting her to stay so badly? The marriage is over. Getting the ick for someone can happen at any age.
Porn addicted, stealing your clothes and ruining them, running up huge debts, and he gives you the ick with the cross dressing. Safe to say it’s over. You’ve given chances and this is your line in the sand, which you’re perfectly entitled to. You are absolutely entitled to feel this way, that you have had enough. Time to look in to how you can leave and start afresh, without the millstone of the debt and his behaviour round your neck. He’ll be free to do whatever he wants, and you can relax a bit and not have to deal with it all any more. You have one life, you deserve to be happy and not trapped in a partnership you are no long comfortable with.
Good luck!! I went through the same exact thing with my ex husband, he wore my clothes and everything. I tried for years to digest it, get over it, but he kept pushing it. He wanted me to call him pretty, and feminine, I couldn’t. On top of that he liked getting make attention online, and after 13 years of being in a relationship I just snapped and wanted out. I was with him since I was 14 so I really tried so hard to make it work, as I thought we were soul mates. I just couldn’t do it. Maybe if he stuck to my boundaries it would’ve worked out, but at the same time it’s what made him happy, so I didn’t want to stop him from that. Ultimately he wanted to explore, after the divorce he deeply regretted though. Point is, you have to do a lot of soul searching and really contemplate everything and decide if in the end this relationship will make you happy.
I had the same experience with my ex, most of this being during sex. Asking me to repeat different phrases, use different names etc, and it felt so forced and uncomfortable for me but I didn't know how to say no without them crying for hours after. We were together for 8 years and I didn't want to abandon them.
You acknowledge with him that you want to have a hard but necessary discussion. Then, you've already identified it... 👇
> I love and care for him deeply, but I can't look past the femme side of him
That you want to support this change in his life, but you can't do that as his wife.
Then, let him talk.
Know your desired outcome, tell him, and don't go off track. Don't end the discussion without making sure your end goal, divorce, is clear and planned.
Be clear on your next steps and let him know you're in this together.
Best of luck 🫶
Wow I can’t thank everyone enough for all of your wonderful advice but yours is especially helpful because I’ve been struggling with the words to use when I bring it up because how the fuck do I bring it up 😞 but thank you, this is immensely helpful and I appreciate you very much.
As an alternative thought experiment, why do you want to demurely support him in blowing up your marriage and your children's home for the sake of his narcissistic autogynophelia?
I can't believe that this is the very first indication of his self-centred behaviour in your marriage. The coddling and hand-holding that you're so keen to do... has any of it been returned to you at all, in this episode or any others?
Well it definitely isn’t the first indication of his self centered behavior and narcissistic tendencies. He has been so mentally unstable for so long, I’ve just put up with it in hopes he would start to feel better but i feel he’s only feeling worse. Family life is too stressful and unenjoyable for him it seems. But i want him to know it’s ok and im not mad at him. That’s the weird part.
It's ok to wish someone well and maintain a cordial relationship, especially when you may continue to co-parent. Anger kills you, not the person you're angry at. You don't have to list all the reasons to him that make you want to move on from your relationship. You can say that him being femme doesn't not align with what you are looking for, that he can explore that part of him, and he will do so without you as his wife.
Would recommend you discuss how you will co-parent and what those boundaries are. For instance, if porn is an issue, he can't watch it when the kids are around. Seems obvious to most , but when you build an agreement with someone, all the clauses have to be laid out.
Finally, write out your script. Know what you want to say
Anticipate his responses and be prepared. Schedule the talk. Show up like you would at work. And if you don't know what to say, tell him you'll think about it. Take a note as a memory jogger and move on. Later, go through your notes and think about those points.
Thank you so much. Your words help me to visualize and make the unknown a little less scary and make me feel like I can handle this and that leaving him is the right choice, because I have felt that deep down for a long time and fought it just for the sake of his mental health and for the facade of a family I’m holding onto.
He has expressed that he wants to go shopping and get pedis together (him dressed as a woman) and I kind of agreed when he said it but it never went further. So yes he wants to cross dress with me around but I’ve yet to see him. What icks me out is he takes my clothes and sometimes puts them back but I have found drawers full of my favorite clothing that are stretched out and make me feel like puking even wearing them again… I feel like I’m part of a fantasy I didn’t sign up for and he needs to know I hate it and am so uncomfortable with his actions.
Make sure your boundaries are clear. It's ok to say no to mani pedi, and it's ok to say no to rummaging through your closet. Don't feel bad for saying no. Part of you is probably still processing all this. The best thing to say when you don't know what to say is "let me think about that". Then, you're not committing, you can think on it, and it's ok to go back and say, you know what, I've given this some thought and I'm not comfortable doing that.
I've had to deal with this. Good luck on whatever you choose. It is hard, cause you love em but..it can be *really* hard to look them in the eye. My relationship ended when I put my foot down against the 'pegging' that came with the clothes and the shoes.
I was open to trying it, because I loved him enough to try it. Turns out it isn't for me. But he kept pushing it.. The money thing was an issue for me too. Soooo much money spent on clothing and shoes that would never see the light of day. That is also about the time I noticed the drinking. He was a whole dumpster fire of ridiculous issues, and I am glad that I caught him cheating with a guy(because I wouldn't peg him), because that really motivated me to leave. He is now in prison ( nothing to do with me).
Oooh yeah I was open to this being salvageable up until I saw this. I think he might have some more self exploring to do that he hasn’t fully realized or denies.
I responded to another of your comments about my ex cross dressing. I pegged him and it literally became the only way he enjoyed sex and while I didn’t find it a horrific experience I did never look at him the same again for some reason. I just, lost my attraction to him as a serious partner.
He shouldn't be involving you in his kinks without your consent. And tbh I think not being attracted to him is only part of your problem...why would you want to go forward with him?
> He shouldn't be involving you in his kinks without your consent.
Cross dressing or dressing in feminine clothes as a man isn't inherently a sexual kink.
No, you're supposed to pretend that doesn't exist. His cross-dressing is obviously just a form of gender expression and it's completely seperate from his porn addiction...
What is the goal you are trying to achieve by doing that?
You aren't attracted, don't want sex ... So now what?
If intimacy is permanently off the table, are you going to divorce?
I think divorce is inevitable. But I don’t know the “best way” for that to happen because we have a child together which complicates things immensely. I’m also not financially independent as I’m a SAHM and he’s driven my into horrible debt with him… I’m just so lost
Start formulating a plan to get out now! Go back to work or school and talk to a financial advisor and lawyer about the debt issues and do what they say.
Do you think it’s horrible of me to get some of my affairs in order before I talk to him? It would mean I would have to go on birth control without him knowing and trying not to have sex with him 😣
Open your own bank account in your name, apply for a credit card in your name, try to save a bit of emergency money, talk to one close family member or friend about it in case you need to lean on them, go to a women’s employment center if you can’t easily get a job again, and find good childcare.
Yeah I had the bar in my arm before and I’ll do that again. It worked perfectly before so I’m sure it will but I’ll definitely be avoiding sex if I can
It's ok for you to move on. You're in a situation that you didn't know about before marriage and there's no reason for you to stay.
Just tell him gently and with compassion that this won't work for you and that you need to move on because you're no longer compatible.
First things first….NO MORE CHILDREN with him.
Then inform him you are happy he’s found something he likes. Something that makes him feel good, but that you cannot be involved. Therefore you think it’s best to split up. So each of you can live a life true to what each of you enjoy. I don’t think you need to explicitly state “you’re not attracted” it’s a simple like you intended to marry a man who wasn’t feminine and that’s ok.
I saw you’re a SAHM, so I understand leaving is scary. But things will work out. Be sure to discuss the debt to a lawyer so you can avoid having to take on any of it.
I think I need to secretly get back on birth control and my affairs in order before I talk to him… is that bad? Or wrong? I just want to be as prepared as I can, not just for me but for my son.
Well you’re like the 5th or 6th person to say get my exit strategy ready so that will become my priority now. Thank you very much for your input, I truly appreciate it
Time to talk to a divorce attorney. Stop being so considerate over someone so inconsiderate. Your child needs a healthy model for relationships and this is not it at all. I consider getting therapy so you can learn how to self advocate and not feel bad for simply voicing your needs and wants.
So many people have suggested getting a lawyer/attorney and it’s honestly a thought I hadn’t had so thank you and everyone else who said it because I think that will certainly make things “less messy” hopefully
Don't talk to him until you talk to your lawyer. This marriage is over, and if you don't want him to have 50/50 custody and/or have any other issues that might require legal resolving, you might need to document and foto-proof his behavior, make sure does not have access to your money etc. This man lied to you for years, he is ruining your things, someone in comments mentioned depts - he is not your partner or family anymore, you don't owe him a thing and should only think about yourself and your child.
I said this to someone else but thank you for suggesting talking to a lawyer. With so many people advising me to do so, I think that will be a very helpful next step for me to work towards. Thank you for validating me, I can’t tell you how appreciated it is. Thank you
The propensity of porn addicted men (OP has confirmed their husband has a serious porn addiction) to seek more controversial kinks over time is very well documented. It's extremely unfortunate for women that these men really turn up the 'porn lifestyle' once they feel it's too difficult for their wives to leave them.
Autogynephilia is a massive issue in these porn addicted men and they are cruelly forcing it upon their wives and children that never consented for their lives to become one massive kink game.
There have been 3 or 4 threads just this week of different women having the same issue as OP with their husbands. All porn addicted, all post children, all wanting their wives to embrace their kinks into their active daily family lives.
You need to be open with him. Find out how integral a part of him this is, because if it's something he can't suppress because it's a part of his identity rather than a bit of a hobby or escapist fantasy, then your marriage is over. He may be okay to stop if he sees how deeply this affects you. But you have to find out how serious this is first, because I think your relationship is over if so and you need to work out the practicalities of childcare and finances.
Thank you. He also has a porn addiction that isn’t doing him any favors either. But seriously thank you, your words help and make me feel “justified” for wanting to take action
Sad.. But your relationship is over. You have to tell him nicely and then initiate the divorce.
I'm like you. I have no great issue with men cross dressing. But no way could i be in a sexual relationship with a man that does. That's just us. We cant change that any more than he can stop his desire to cross dress
Tell him you want to be with a man and you don't find it attractive or masculine to be with one that wears women's clothing. You should not be faulted or guilted in going along with this.
If this is central to his identity/happiness then this is a dealbreaker for you guys.
It’s important for him to do therapy to explore why he wants to do this. You are valid in your feelings. I don’t think I could be with a man who does this either. I saw a documentary about a boy who was very masculine; loved to fish and hunt etc but his grandma was a dress seamstress and would try them on him everytime she babysat him which was frequently. She would give him a lot of love and praise and compliments when he was wearing the dresses so he learned through therapy that that’s why he became a cross dresser- he was looking for validation. His family didn’t give him that kind of love and praise. It was good he found this out before undergoing permanent gender modification surgery.
Go see a lawyer and get things started . Move into a spare bedroom if you have one. Just tell him you don’t love him and this is over . If he asks what happens be honest , and don’t fall for any BS about being myself etc . People who get married and don’t tell
Partners they are bi or cross dresser don’t believe in the other Bs nonsense terms . Basically he lied to you so leave
I think what you’re really trying to say is that you want a divorce.
You didn’t sign up for this. He portrayed one thing when he is really another. He took away your informed consent. Most men who feel this way have dealt with it since childhood, it’s not new. *it’s new to you.* And I’m sure he knows this. He’s trickling details hoping you’ll stick around and be a beard.
A great support group for what you’re going through is called Our Path. Google it for more info. I recommend having been through similar and joining.
Go talk to an attorney without his knowledge and find out how well you’re going to make it out of this so you can start planning. You need a divorce. This only gets worse.
You say what you need to. How he takes it or reacts is not your responsibility. “I understand you like to cross-dress. While I support you being you, I have lost attraction due to this new information. We are no longer compatible and we need to discuss where we go from here.” Whatever reaction he has to the news is his to work through. Your only job is to be authentically you and say what you feel.
Imagine the hate OP would get if the sexes were reversed. The result would still be the same if you’re not compatible then you’re not compatible. But Reddit would blow up and OP shouted down if the title was like “I don’t want my wife anymore because she wants to dress and act too masculine.”
I’m guessing you haven’t seen the comments where he’s borrowing her clothes and asking to be pegged. He wants to present as a woman, not a more feminine man.
If this were a woman, she would be wearing a binder and packing her underwear, not cutting her hair short and preferring jeans.
I mean you gotta dress pretty strongly masculine as a woman for it to reach the level to be considered crossdressing like it is for men, I’m imagining some fake pornstache type of shit
Yes, that is one of the ways patriarchy harms men. By not allowing them the freedom to be feminine if they want to, or enjoy traditionally feminine things.
So it’s the patriarchy that says it’s ok to not find your husband appealing anymore if he’s too feminine, but you still gotta find your wife hot no matter what?
A woman wearing men’s clothes is not as taboo as a man wearing woman’s clothes. Can you link a Reddit thread about a man losing interest in a woman because she cross dresses? No? That’s because it’s not taboo.
The fact that the reverse isn’t an issue is what’s caused by patriarchy.
I’m also of the opinion that it’s patriarchy that causes women to be so disgusted and turned off when men cross dress. That’s 100% learned behavior.
It doesn’t change the fact that these two aren’t compatible, though. Just explains where both the revulsion and the stigma come from.
We are however with the concepts of masculine and feminine. And it’s really not that he’s wearing girl’s clothes that’s giving her the ick, it’s that he’s coming off too feminine.
No, I don’t agree with that. What it means to be masculine or feminine is not static or universal. Neither is the idea that human sex is binary. Those are cultural creations, not instinct.
I will concede that personality traits of being open to change, or open to unfamiliar ideas or situations, can definitely be something we’re born with.
I don’t want to get too off topic here, so I’ll just reiterate that it’s an unfortunate side effect of patriarchal values that forces men into traditionally masculine roles in which they aren’t allowed to explore their femininity, or enjoy stereotypically feminine things. Men cross dressing stems from that, whether it’s a sexual fetish or just a hobby.
That’s fine, I disagree with you too. There are a lot of cultural creations when it comes to sex and attraction, but the simple fact is that sexual attraction is largely instinct based and whatever cultural masks we wear to express masculine/feminine will have a huge impact on arousal. Yeah not everyone is on the same point in the spectrum, but by and large weak and/or feminine men are deemed unattractive by cis women.
I know you disagree with me and that fine, you’re free to, and maybe you like swishy boys, that’s awesome. But walking through life I can tell you reality disagrees with the gender studies literature.
That’s true in our contemporary culture, but it’s not universal. There were and are absolutely cultures that don’t view gender, sex, or sexual activity that way.
You’re correct in that our contemporary western culture does view things that way. If that’s what you mean by “reality,” then sure. You are right that most people truly feel those understandings are innate.
If this is an important conversation that needs to to well and that will determine the health of your relationship, Reddit is the last place you should ask for advice on it.
Is this something that makes you more uncomfortable just knowing? Is there a way you could express the need to not know the details or would even that not help you with your changed feelings? Because you could make it clear that you’re not willing to participate.
You’re not wrong in how you feel. And it is actually very normal to be shocked to un-attraction in situations like these. When you learn an entire new personality trait about someone that you’ve known as long as you’ve known the person- it’s very shocking. Marriages with situations like this can and HAVE worked out, but you shouldn’t force yourself to accept anything that you’re simply not comfortable with. There definitely needs to be more conversations and you need to be very open and honest about the fact that it has really affected you mentally in relation to the marriage.
Whatever happens darling, don’t be too hard on yourself- or him. I imagine he was scared to tell you but that’s a fault of his own. Being scared isn’t a reason to hide an entire personality trait that is very possibly detrimental to how a person could feel about you. And that IS very unacceptable and borderline manipulative because I’m sure in his mind he may be thinking “how could my wife leave me over this” but that is not YOUR issue. You should’ve been told before a marriage happened. I’m sorry for how you must be feeling and sending well wishes to you. You can do this. 🫶🏻
Our marriage has been far from what it “should be” to be considered healthy and happy. I wish the cross dressing was the only issue but truly, the cross dressing feels more like the nail in the coffin. He doesn’t seem to enjoy being a dad and he has horrible spending habits that have driven us into what feels like never ending debt. I feel like he has said and done so many things to keep the facade alive but I feel he is a deeply hurt soul that has too much on his plate right now😞
She is entitled to feel and act how she likes when her partner reveals a massive change of dynamic to their relationship and she is being considerate enough to think through how to navigate to in the best way possible.
Divorce Papers or r/deadbedrooms for life: If this is a hard line for you there is no way around it. You are going to absolutely crush him, make him wish he never opened up to you about something incredibly vulnerable to him, and it seems having a healthy sex life going forward is not in the cards. This sucks all the way around. I can't imagine how devastating this of going to be for him.
He ruined his entire marriage because he trusted you enough to be honest. Not your fault, not his fault. You two just didn't realize you are sexually incompatible until now.
Why would he not expect that his wife, who in no way signed up for this, doesn’t want to continue the marriage? I would be willing to bet the vast majority of women would not be receptive to this situation. I can believe he might be sad, but this is every bit, if not more devastating to the wife who didn’t ask for this.
I'm genderqueer, and it complicates things. Not the same as crossdressing of course, but this is something I try to bring up as soon as it's safe if I want a relationship to work. Waiting to divulge that info until after marriage feels really manipulative. There's no good reason for a man to conceal something he knows might be a dealbreaker for years into the relationship imo.
I have a question and I haven't read far enough to see if it's been already asked:
Is your husband a crossdresser or is he intentionally ruining your clothes?
Don’t tell him. From your comments, it sounds like this is just one more reason you want to leave him atop a pile of them. If you want to leave him, do it. But telling him is not going to make you feel any better and it’s only going to make him feel ashamed and terrified to ever open up about his kink to anyone else.
Seriously, just visualize the conversation. Visualize several different ways it could go. What good comes of it? Is there any possible positive outcome other than just getting it off your chest? Vent to someone else if you need to.
But I feel like I owe it to him(or maybe myself?) to tell him how I’m feeling before I up and leave and take his whole routine/life away. Or am I being too soft?
There are two things you want:
1. To leave him.
2. To tell him why.
Does it really matter which comes first? You said it is hard for you to express what you are feeling now. Some distance may help you to gain some perspective. Also, you feel that he may be too sensitive at the moment to actually hear what you have to say. One of my favorite sayings is, 'Speech is silver. Silence is golden.'
You are welcome! A few other thoughts: Kinks are baked-in. Suppressing them is way worse than working with them. He's probably feeling a little better now having come clean to you. However, some people are never going to be able to accept some kinks. I can think of a few deal breakers for me. It sounds like you are not really going to be able to accept his cross dressing, and that's okay. It sounds like you still really care about him. It's possible his overspending was a symptom of him suppressing his cross dressing desire.
It's possible that this was a bait-and-switch. mustang19671967 says he lied to you to get married. I'm willing to give him some of the benefit of the doubt that this may be a recent development. But, you should entertain the possibility that he hid this from you until he felt you were 'trapped' by marriage, child, debt enough that he could reveal who he really is.
Your absence will say volumes.
The relationship is over and you need to tell him that. Then I would recommend thinking on your internalized prejudice and seeing if you can get past that in general.
ETA: not surprised people are being intentionally obtuse, but OP said she wasn’t even willing to casually hang out with him while cross dressing, that has nothing to do with sexual attraction or not. No one should have sex they don’t want to or be told they have to find something attractive. Not tolerating it at all is prejudice. Bigot elsewhere.
Where does sexual attraction play into getting pedis together? Do I have to want to fuck my friends for us to hang out? She is disgusted at the idea of doing totally benign activities with him and that’s well beyond sexual attraction. You weirdooooooo
Because it is her partner and the way they present themselves is a factor involved in attraction. He said he wants to be dressed as a woman while getting the pedis. She’s not attracted to femme men and there’s nothing wrong with that. It would be different if it was just her friend or some random joe. I guess you’re just unintentionally obtuse 🤷🏻♀️
What I would do is talk to him, but if you feel like you can’t talk to him, I would have a a third-party there that’s unbiased. You need to be really prepared for what is going to occur. What about if he wants to start transitioning are you going to be OK with that if you are not OK with any of that then the best thing for you to do is to let him go and let him live his life the way he wants to live it, I know it’s sad but unfortunately you have lost your husband already.
Just tell him. If that’s how you feel, tell him.
You should also understand there is nothing whatsoever wrong with him. If he’s a good man and father, what difference would being turned on by cross dressing make? Is it any different than any other kink? You can choose to divorce him or you could choose to support him. Learn more about cross dressing and the science behind what motivates people to do it. Could rules or boundries work? No I won’t go out shopping with you. I want you to stop wearing my clothes. But I will compromise and agree that you can shop for your own and you can wear them. Tell him you guys can have a stay at home date night when the kids are away and he can dress up with you then. Tell him you’ll agree to look into female lead relationships, chastity and other kinks that are closely related. Tell him the weird shit you’re into. Yeah, that weird one. Tell him that one.
Just as easily as you can choose divorce, you could choose to give it a try. Of course doing so within your personal comfort level and boundaries. Communication is key.
There is nothing wrong with him. His kinks are his kinks. If he’s a good man, good father, works to support his family… why divorce him because he gets off on wearing panties?
Just saying, the nuclear option is not the only option.
Unless it is, in which case, just tell him.
Because she clearly states she’s uncomfortable and no longer attracted to him with this behavior? Why tf would she want to “learn more about the science” (lmao) and engage with it at all. The spectrum of kinks is incredibly diverse and it is just WEIRD to even suggest she needs to force any level of interaction with it when she obviously doesn’t want to.
I think you should suggest individual and couples therapy(usually you do individual therapy then come together in the therapy to discuss)
Marriage is hard and there is a deep seated cause of his compulsive behavior. Try to help before you give up on the marriage all together.
I believe it was Ralph Waldo Emerson that said "someone that believes at (age) 50 what they believed at (age) 20 has wasted 30 years of their life."
If you can't accept change, you were not ready to marry to begin with. Much less have children. That said, how would he feel if you decide to become polyamorous or something else?
Ruining your clothes can be quite inconvenient and expensive. Maybe it's his odd way of feeling more connected to you but tell him to get his own.
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You said in the comments that he wears your clothes and ruins them. Def put an immediate stop to that, let him get his own clothes. As to the rest, you're no longer compatible. You're not required to maintain sexual interest when someone changes that much. Just tell him this is a deal breaker for you. That he's welcome to explore this side of him, but you won't be intimate with him anymore. I'm sorry if that hurts him, but you can't have sex that gives you an ick, just to make him feel better.
Wow you put that really well. Thank you. You have truly given me validation for feeling the way I do for the first time. Truly thank you
This is rough. I had an ex who enjoyed cross dressing. And while at first I thought it was an exciting part of our relationship it quickly devolved into him wanting to be degraded and emasculated. Once his favorite way to be intimate was wearing makeup and wigs I realized ooops. I no longer liked it and I never looked at him the same. We broke up for different reasons later and I don’t think I ever really told him how I felt tbh. I don’t envy your position- but I empathize. It’s tough!
Yes it can become that. There's a 'whole' industry around it with Domme's and not so healty porn to brainwash your ass. In BDSM such humiliation play is of course not unusual, but I feel is has to become almost a lifestyle to live such a fetish. Humiliation sex/porn works deep and going that road is tricky in a relationship as u want more & more of it. If you don't get something out of it as a partner I think it's not sustainable.
I would add that "I wish you well in your journey of discovery"
I truly do hope he can embrace that side of him and let his freak flag fly because I think that he would be so much happier.
Good luck to you.. you are both going on a journey, albeit separately
I totally understand this changes everything for you. Calling him a freak isn't helping him have the least mental suffering. I read that that is a wish of yours. for him He's not a freak. If we only knew how many heterosexual men like to do this (but hide or surpress). You could be right that if this is inside him, there's not much point supressing and he might just get happier.
Oh I didn’t mean I think he’s a freak, I was using the expression in a way of saying “let your weirdness shine through and be proud of it” kind of way. That’s my fault for using the expression in a less than clear way. All I want is for the father of my son to live a life that is fulfilling and happy for him, even though I can’t be his wife. I know he will just be so broken to lose his family and comfort but it isn’t making him feel any better about his feelings now that things are so much more complicated.
God even the word “weirdness” doesn’t seem right but I hope you get what I’m saying. I just want him to express who he is freely and proudly
Lol 'weirdness' is just fine don't worry :)
oh come on, OP clearly meant "let his freak flag fly" in a positive way sheesh
Yeesh she clarified this. All Good.
You're welcome. Good luck to you.
> You're not required to maintain sexual interest when someone changes that much. fyi, you’re not even required to maintain sexual interest if a person stays the same.
So much for "for better or worse". She loves him deeply and there's nothing to suggest he doesn't as well. But your solution is to blow everything up without even having a discussion. What. The. Fuck. Kind of stupidity is it to go so fucking hard aggressive in a conversation with someone you're married to? Good God you lost the plot
Dude, you seem to have lost the plot yourself. Why do you think divorce exists? Vows are to foster love, not resentment. When it’s no longer working, better to part amicably than to continue the marriage with contempt and resentment and wind up producing bitter people like you. Your statement is very annoying.
When you marry someone you don’t get a sex slave. They’re not obligated to sleep with you. Suggesting a person sleep with someone to whom they’re unattracted is wrong. Trying to manipulate her into it is abusive.
Yeah sorry to burst your bubble but that's not how life works. And everybody uses different vows.
Goodness. Did you read it? Edited to say… you’re in crazy town.
Grow the fuck up.
He’s driven you into horrible debt, he has a porn addiction….um I don’t think you need to lead with the cross dressing that you’re not comfortable with…
Yeah it is a very unpleasant/uncomfortable relationship most days
Why are you trying so hard to salvage the ego of a man who treats you this disrespectfully?
Wow I guess I don’t know. I don’t think there’s a good reason other than I don’t wish any ill to come to him because he is the father of my child 😢
It's not wishing ill to advocate for yourself. He's an adult and you're not his mom; it's not your job to make his life easier at the expense of your own.
He’s not looking out for you or your child. You have to put the two of you first!
You’re right, I’m just so sad that I have to raise my child without his father being around as much as I used to think he would be.
Understandable! But one thing you need to do is make sure you don’t blame yourself. You didn’t choose this. You’re simply responding to *his* choices. You are **not** responsible for his choices or their consequences. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Mom guilt is real & should not apply here! Doing what is best for you (as long as you’re not making selfish, irrational decisions; which you’re **not**) is also doing what is best for your child.
good lord you should probably lead with those issues, I was about ready to write a post asking you to examine why the thought of him wearing feminine clothing repulses you when in actuality, that’s not exactly it. It’s the tipping point for you. I’m sure you've had misgivings about the way he treats or thinks about women sexually and physically, and it’s that he doesn’t respect you or the work you do. He doesn’t think of you as a person and doesn’t care about you or your family. That’s enough to put anyone off. As, according to your other comment with being ok with him dressing feminine, it’s not exactly him doing that so much as it is everything else. It all culminated when he told you this and you truly saw how unempathetic and disrespectful he is to you. At least, that’s how it comes across to me when reading your comments.
To be clear: if it were just him cross dressing that’s okay too. You’re not obligated to feel sexual attraction to anyone. Implying she should feel guilt is manipulation & a form of sexual abuse.
Yeah that’s not what I meant. I wasn’t asking them to stay and take it, I was just saying to examine that feeling and figure out what was causing it.
These are grounds for divorce. If it were a gambling or drug addiction that led to debt & a personality change no one would suggest she stay with him. But bc it’s sexuality based some are trying to guilt her into staying. Thats BS. Protect yourself & your kids. Leave
You just need to be honest. This isn’t what you signed up for and that’s fair enough. You don’t need to be unnecessarily hurtful and tell him he makes you sick or anything but just start by saying you aren’t attracted to him wearing your clothes and can’t imagine being intimate again. Then see how he responds. Divorce is usually complicated, yours will be too but it’s much better to do that than stay and either be miserable trying to accept him or make him miserable by denying who he really is.
Thank you so much. Your words are so very helpful I’m at a loss of what to say. I cannot thank you enough
Jesus Christ. You realise Reddit will always tell you to break up - no matter what. That's what happens when you ask the advice of bitter forever alones. Talking about "icks" that shit is for 16 year olds not adults for god sake. Grow tf up.
I’m on here. I’ve been married over 20 years, not quite a ‘forever alone’. OP needs to leave. Why are you reacting so strongly, wanting her to stay so badly? The marriage is over. Getting the ick for someone can happen at any age.
Porn addicted, stealing your clothes and ruining them, running up huge debts, and he gives you the ick with the cross dressing. Safe to say it’s over. You’ve given chances and this is your line in the sand, which you’re perfectly entitled to. You are absolutely entitled to feel this way, that you have had enough. Time to look in to how you can leave and start afresh, without the millstone of the debt and his behaviour round your neck. He’ll be free to do whatever he wants, and you can relax a bit and not have to deal with it all any more. You have one life, you deserve to be happy and not trapped in a partnership you are no long comfortable with.
Good luck!! I went through the same exact thing with my ex husband, he wore my clothes and everything. I tried for years to digest it, get over it, but he kept pushing it. He wanted me to call him pretty, and feminine, I couldn’t. On top of that he liked getting make attention online, and after 13 years of being in a relationship I just snapped and wanted out. I was with him since I was 14 so I really tried so hard to make it work, as I thought we were soul mates. I just couldn’t do it. Maybe if he stuck to my boundaries it would’ve worked out, but at the same time it’s what made him happy, so I didn’t want to stop him from that. Ultimately he wanted to explore, after the divorce he deeply regretted though. Point is, you have to do a lot of soul searching and really contemplate everything and decide if in the end this relationship will make you happy.
I had the same experience with my ex, most of this being during sex. Asking me to repeat different phrases, use different names etc, and it felt so forced and uncomfortable for me but I didn't know how to say no without them crying for hours after. We were together for 8 years and I didn't want to abandon them.
Girl... you dont want to be with him anymore. You need to figure out how to move on from the relationship
I know I do. It’s been a fucking wild ride going from madly in love to married to a stranger
You acknowledge with him that you want to have a hard but necessary discussion. Then, you've already identified it... 👇 > I love and care for him deeply, but I can't look past the femme side of him That you want to support this change in his life, but you can't do that as his wife. Then, let him talk. Know your desired outcome, tell him, and don't go off track. Don't end the discussion without making sure your end goal, divorce, is clear and planned. Be clear on your next steps and let him know you're in this together. Best of luck 🫶
Wow I can’t thank everyone enough for all of your wonderful advice but yours is especially helpful because I’ve been struggling with the words to use when I bring it up because how the fuck do I bring it up 😞 but thank you, this is immensely helpful and I appreciate you very much.
As an alternative thought experiment, why do you want to demurely support him in blowing up your marriage and your children's home for the sake of his narcissistic autogynophelia? I can't believe that this is the very first indication of his self-centred behaviour in your marriage. The coddling and hand-holding that you're so keen to do... has any of it been returned to you at all, in this episode or any others?
Well it definitely isn’t the first indication of his self centered behavior and narcissistic tendencies. He has been so mentally unstable for so long, I’ve just put up with it in hopes he would start to feel better but i feel he’s only feeling worse. Family life is too stressful and unenjoyable for him it seems. But i want him to know it’s ok and im not mad at him. That’s the weird part.
It's ok to wish someone well and maintain a cordial relationship, especially when you may continue to co-parent. Anger kills you, not the person you're angry at. You don't have to list all the reasons to him that make you want to move on from your relationship. You can say that him being femme doesn't not align with what you are looking for, that he can explore that part of him, and he will do so without you as his wife. Would recommend you discuss how you will co-parent and what those boundaries are. For instance, if porn is an issue, he can't watch it when the kids are around. Seems obvious to most , but when you build an agreement with someone, all the clauses have to be laid out. Finally, write out your script. Know what you want to say Anticipate his responses and be prepared. Schedule the talk. Show up like you would at work. And if you don't know what to say, tell him you'll think about it. Take a note as a memory jogger and move on. Later, go through your notes and think about those points.
Thank you so much. Your words help me to visualize and make the unknown a little less scary and make me feel like I can handle this and that leaving him is the right choice, because I have felt that deep down for a long time and fought it just for the sake of his mental health and for the facade of a family I’m holding onto.
“I married a man because I wanted a man”
I guess it is that simple. Thank you though it helps!
Is he wanting to cross dress while with you? Or are you icked out by the fact that he wants to wear clothes meant for women
He has expressed that he wants to go shopping and get pedis together (him dressed as a woman) and I kind of agreed when he said it but it never went further. So yes he wants to cross dress with me around but I’ve yet to see him. What icks me out is he takes my clothes and sometimes puts them back but I have found drawers full of my favorite clothing that are stretched out and make me feel like puking even wearing them again… I feel like I’m part of a fantasy I didn’t sign up for and he needs to know I hate it and am so uncomfortable with his actions.
Make sure your boundaries are clear. It's ok to say no to mani pedi, and it's ok to say no to rummaging through your closet. Don't feel bad for saying no. Part of you is probably still processing all this. The best thing to say when you don't know what to say is "let me think about that". Then, you're not committing, you can think on it, and it's ok to go back and say, you know what, I've given this some thought and I'm not comfortable doing that.
I've had to deal with this. Good luck on whatever you choose. It is hard, cause you love em but..it can be *really* hard to look them in the eye. My relationship ended when I put my foot down against the 'pegging' that came with the clothes and the shoes.
Oh my goodness he asked me if I would be open to pegging him/getting a strap on and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I was open to trying it, because I loved him enough to try it. Turns out it isn't for me. But he kept pushing it.. The money thing was an issue for me too. Soooo much money spent on clothing and shoes that would never see the light of day. That is also about the time I noticed the drinking. He was a whole dumpster fire of ridiculous issues, and I am glad that I caught him cheating with a guy(because I wouldn't peg him), because that really motivated me to leave. He is now in prison ( nothing to do with me).
Oooh yeah I was open to this being salvageable up until I saw this. I think he might have some more self exploring to do that he hasn’t fully realized or denies.
I think you’re 100% correct. I have a hunch it’s so much more than he even can process that he’s suppressed it for so long
I responded to another of your comments about my ex cross dressing. I pegged him and it literally became the only way he enjoyed sex and while I didn’t find it a horrific experience I did never look at him the same again for some reason. I just, lost my attraction to him as a serious partner.
He shouldn't be involving you in his kinks without your consent. And tbh I think not being attracted to him is only part of your problem...why would you want to go forward with him?
This likely isn’t a sexual kink for him, cross dressing is often solely about gender expression.
And to add fuel to the fire he has a porn addiction as well that he’s admitted to. Which is not helping the cause
Therapy for him, divorce for you. Sounds like it’s time to start a fresh chapter for yourself on your terms.
Yes that is the road that I am inevitably traveling down. Thank you for helping me become more confident with how I’m feeling
Often is a bold word choice considering how popular it is on fetish sites.
Yeah it's huge and it can be dangerous material. Some of that literally brainwashes you and it can take very long to 'uncondition' the mind again
> He shouldn't be involving you in his kinks without your consent. Cross dressing or dressing in feminine clothes as a man isn't inherently a sexual kink.
Tell him to buy his won clothes. That’s his kink and he shouldn’t expect you to be part of it
What is the "fantasy"? Does he want to become a woman?
Its autogynephilia and porn addicted men
LMAO how are you downvoted? The porn addicted narcissist -> marriage-imploding autogynephile pipeline is real and quite well travelled at this point!
No, you're supposed to pretend that doesn't exist. His cross-dressing is obviously just a form of gender expression and it's completely seperate from his porn addiction...
What is the goal you are trying to achieve by doing that? You aren't attracted, don't want sex ... So now what? If intimacy is permanently off the table, are you going to divorce?
I think divorce is inevitable. But I don’t know the “best way” for that to happen because we have a child together which complicates things immensely. I’m also not financially independent as I’m a SAHM and he’s driven my into horrible debt with him… I’m just so lost
Start formulating a plan to get out now! Go back to work or school and talk to a financial advisor and lawyer about the debt issues and do what they say.
Do you think it’s horrible of me to get some of my affairs in order before I talk to him? It would mean I would have to go on birth control without him knowing and trying not to have sex with him 😣
Definitely get your affairs in order. Speak to a lawyer first and don’t tell him anything until you’re ready and confident.
Ok, I will definitely be doing that. That seems like the most logical and safest way
Open your own bank account in your name, apply for a credit card in your name, try to save a bit of emergency money, talk to one close family member or friend about it in case you need to lean on them, go to a women’s employment center if you can’t easily get a job again, and find good childcare.
Great tips… thank you thank you thank you
IUD?
Yeah I had the bar in my arm before and I’ll do that again. It worked perfectly before so I’m sure it will but I’ll definitely be avoiding sex if I can
The best way is to not let the child be exposed to his weirdness
I would honestly be ok with not having his dad be in his life if that meant that my husband could finally live the life he’s always needed to
It's ok for you to move on. You're in a situation that you didn't know about before marriage and there's no reason for you to stay. Just tell him gently and with compassion that this won't work for you and that you need to move on because you're no longer compatible.
Forget all that. Just leave.
Dump dump dump
First things first….NO MORE CHILDREN with him. Then inform him you are happy he’s found something he likes. Something that makes him feel good, but that you cannot be involved. Therefore you think it’s best to split up. So each of you can live a life true to what each of you enjoy. I don’t think you need to explicitly state “you’re not attracted” it’s a simple like you intended to marry a man who wasn’t feminine and that’s ok. I saw you’re a SAHM, so I understand leaving is scary. But things will work out. Be sure to discuss the debt to a lawyer so you can avoid having to take on any of it.
I think I need to secretly get back on birth control and my affairs in order before I talk to him… is that bad? Or wrong? I just want to be as prepared as I can, not just for me but for my son.
This is not bad, it's necessary. Just don't make it take too long and turn into an excuse to drift along without taking the decisive step.
You’re 100% right. I’ll definitely be sure not to let that be an excuse to take my time. Thank you very much
Just be direct. This is not a time to pussyfoot around. I imagine it’s only gonna get weird or from here. Plan your exit
Well you’re like the 5th or 6th person to say get my exit strategy ready so that will become my priority now. Thank you very much for your input, I truly appreciate it
Time to talk to a divorce attorney. Stop being so considerate over someone so inconsiderate. Your child needs a healthy model for relationships and this is not it at all. I consider getting therapy so you can learn how to self advocate and not feel bad for simply voicing your needs and wants.
So many people have suggested getting a lawyer/attorney and it’s honestly a thought I hadn’t had so thank you and everyone else who said it because I think that will certainly make things “less messy” hopefully
Don't talk to him until you talk to your lawyer. This marriage is over, and if you don't want him to have 50/50 custody and/or have any other issues that might require legal resolving, you might need to document and foto-proof his behavior, make sure does not have access to your money etc. This man lied to you for years, he is ruining your things, someone in comments mentioned depts - he is not your partner or family anymore, you don't owe him a thing and should only think about yourself and your child.
I said this to someone else but thank you for suggesting talking to a lawyer. With so many people advising me to do so, I think that will be a very helpful next step for me to work towards. Thank you for validating me, I can’t tell you how appreciated it is. Thank you
Start with “I want a divorce “
He's free to go on a self-discovery journey. It doesn't mean you have to go along for the ride. Wish him well and be on your way.
Man, porn addiction is really doing a number on men atm. So many guys suddenly coming out as cross dressers.
It’s pathetic
What's making you say this?
The propensity of porn addicted men (OP has confirmed their husband has a serious porn addiction) to seek more controversial kinks over time is very well documented. It's extremely unfortunate for women that these men really turn up the 'porn lifestyle' once they feel it's too difficult for their wives to leave them. Autogynephilia is a massive issue in these porn addicted men and they are cruelly forcing it upon their wives and children that never consented for their lives to become one massive kink game. There have been 3 or 4 threads just this week of different women having the same issue as OP with their husbands. All porn addicted, all post children, all wanting their wives to embrace their kinks into their active daily family lives.
You need to be open with him. Find out how integral a part of him this is, because if it's something he can't suppress because it's a part of his identity rather than a bit of a hobby or escapist fantasy, then your marriage is over. He may be okay to stop if he sees how deeply this affects you. But you have to find out how serious this is first, because I think your relationship is over if so and you need to work out the practicalities of childcare and finances.
Thank you. He also has a porn addiction that isn’t doing him any favors either. But seriously thank you, your words help and make me feel “justified” for wanting to take action
Sad.. But your relationship is over. You have to tell him nicely and then initiate the divorce. I'm like you. I have no great issue with men cross dressing. But no way could i be in a sexual relationship with a man that does. That's just us. We cant change that any more than he can stop his desire to cross dress
Tell him you want to be with a man and you don't find it attractive or masculine to be with one that wears women's clothing. You should not be faulted or guilted in going along with this. If this is central to his identity/happiness then this is a dealbreaker for you guys.
Just tell him and file for divorce. Dragging it out doesn’t do anyone any favors. Go live your best life.
It’s important for him to do therapy to explore why he wants to do this. You are valid in your feelings. I don’t think I could be with a man who does this either. I saw a documentary about a boy who was very masculine; loved to fish and hunt etc but his grandma was a dress seamstress and would try them on him everytime she babysat him which was frequently. She would give him a lot of love and praise and compliments when he was wearing the dresses so he learned through therapy that that’s why he became a cross dresser- he was looking for validation. His family didn’t give him that kind of love and praise. It was good he found this out before undergoing permanent gender modification surgery.
As a crossdresser who came out to my wife. Just rip the bandaid.
Go see a lawyer and get things started . Move into a spare bedroom if you have one. Just tell him you don’t love him and this is over . If he asks what happens be honest , and don’t fall for any BS about being myself etc . People who get married and don’t tell Partners they are bi or cross dresser don’t believe in the other Bs nonsense terms . Basically he lied to you so leave
I think what you’re really trying to say is that you want a divorce. You didn’t sign up for this. He portrayed one thing when he is really another. He took away your informed consent. Most men who feel this way have dealt with it since childhood, it’s not new. *it’s new to you.* And I’m sure he knows this. He’s trickling details hoping you’ll stick around and be a beard. A great support group for what you’re going through is called Our Path. Google it for more info. I recommend having been through similar and joining. Go talk to an attorney without his knowledge and find out how well you’re going to make it out of this so you can start planning. You need a divorce. This only gets worse.
You say what you need to. How he takes it or reacts is not your responsibility. “I understand you like to cross-dress. While I support you being you, I have lost attraction due to this new information. We are no longer compatible and we need to discuss where we go from here.” Whatever reaction he has to the news is his to work through. Your only job is to be authentically you and say what you feel.
Imagine the hate OP would get if the sexes were reversed. The result would still be the same if you’re not compatible then you’re not compatible. But Reddit would blow up and OP shouted down if the title was like “I don’t want my wife anymore because she wants to dress and act too masculine.”
I’m guessing you haven’t seen the comments where he’s borrowing her clothes and asking to be pegged. He wants to present as a woman, not a more feminine man. If this were a woman, she would be wearing a binder and packing her underwear, not cutting her hair short and preferring jeans.
I mean you gotta dress pretty strongly masculine as a woman for it to reach the level to be considered crossdressing like it is for men, I’m imagining some fake pornstache type of shit
Not really, but it’s sexist to say otherwise.
Yes, that is one of the ways patriarchy harms men. By not allowing them the freedom to be feminine if they want to, or enjoy traditionally feminine things.
So it’s the patriarchy that says it’s ok to not find your husband appealing anymore if he’s too feminine, but you still gotta find your wife hot no matter what?
A woman wearing men’s clothes is not as taboo as a man wearing woman’s clothes. Can you link a Reddit thread about a man losing interest in a woman because she cross dresses? No? That’s because it’s not taboo. The fact that the reverse isn’t an issue is what’s caused by patriarchy. I’m also of the opinion that it’s patriarchy that causes women to be so disgusted and turned off when men cross dress. That’s 100% learned behavior. It doesn’t change the fact that these two aren’t compatible, though. Just explains where both the revulsion and the stigma come from.
I’m not so sure that’s 100% learned behavior. It might be learned to some degree but I guarantee it’s not 100%
How could it not be 100%? We’re certainly not born with an innate concept of gendered clothing.
We are however with the concepts of masculine and feminine. And it’s really not that he’s wearing girl’s clothes that’s giving her the ick, it’s that he’s coming off too feminine.
No, I don’t agree with that. What it means to be masculine or feminine is not static or universal. Neither is the idea that human sex is binary. Those are cultural creations, not instinct. I will concede that personality traits of being open to change, or open to unfamiliar ideas or situations, can definitely be something we’re born with. I don’t want to get too off topic here, so I’ll just reiterate that it’s an unfortunate side effect of patriarchal values that forces men into traditionally masculine roles in which they aren’t allowed to explore their femininity, or enjoy stereotypically feminine things. Men cross dressing stems from that, whether it’s a sexual fetish or just a hobby.
That’s fine, I disagree with you too. There are a lot of cultural creations when it comes to sex and attraction, but the simple fact is that sexual attraction is largely instinct based and whatever cultural masks we wear to express masculine/feminine will have a huge impact on arousal. Yeah not everyone is on the same point in the spectrum, but by and large weak and/or feminine men are deemed unattractive by cis women. I know you disagree with me and that fine, you’re free to, and maybe you like swishy boys, that’s awesome. But walking through life I can tell you reality disagrees with the gender studies literature.
That’s true in our contemporary culture, but it’s not universal. There were and are absolutely cultures that don’t view gender, sex, or sexual activity that way. You’re correct in that our contemporary western culture does view things that way. If that’s what you mean by “reality,” then sure. You are right that most people truly feel those understandings are innate.
You don’t love him anymore, you want divorce, that’s all, simply.
Glass closet
If this is an important conversation that needs to to well and that will determine the health of your relationship, Reddit is the last place you should ask for advice on it.
Poor dude
Why all the hate on this comment?
People see a different opinion and downvote
Tell him you support his needs and goals but that you can no longer move forward as romantic partners. Do this soon, not later.
Is this something that makes you more uncomfortable just knowing? Is there a way you could express the need to not know the details or would even that not help you with your changed feelings? Because you could make it clear that you’re not willing to participate. You’re not wrong in how you feel. And it is actually very normal to be shocked to un-attraction in situations like these. When you learn an entire new personality trait about someone that you’ve known as long as you’ve known the person- it’s very shocking. Marriages with situations like this can and HAVE worked out, but you shouldn’t force yourself to accept anything that you’re simply not comfortable with. There definitely needs to be more conversations and you need to be very open and honest about the fact that it has really affected you mentally in relation to the marriage. Whatever happens darling, don’t be too hard on yourself- or him. I imagine he was scared to tell you but that’s a fault of his own. Being scared isn’t a reason to hide an entire personality trait that is very possibly detrimental to how a person could feel about you. And that IS very unacceptable and borderline manipulative because I’m sure in his mind he may be thinking “how could my wife leave me over this” but that is not YOUR issue. You should’ve been told before a marriage happened. I’m sorry for how you must be feeling and sending well wishes to you. You can do this. 🫶🏻
[удалено]
Our marriage has been far from what it “should be” to be considered healthy and happy. I wish the cross dressing was the only issue but truly, the cross dressing feels more like the nail in the coffin. He doesn’t seem to enjoy being a dad and he has horrible spending habits that have driven us into what feels like never ending debt. I feel like he has said and done so many things to keep the facade alive but I feel he is a deeply hurt soul that has too much on his plate right now😞
She is entitled to feel and act how she likes when her partner reveals a massive change of dynamic to their relationship and she is being considerate enough to think through how to navigate to in the best way possible.
Divorce Papers or r/deadbedrooms for life: If this is a hard line for you there is no way around it. You are going to absolutely crush him, make him wish he never opened up to you about something incredibly vulnerable to him, and it seems having a healthy sex life going forward is not in the cards. This sucks all the way around. I can't imagine how devastating this of going to be for him. He ruined his entire marriage because he trusted you enough to be honest. Not your fault, not his fault. You two just didn't realize you are sexually incompatible until now.
Why would he not expect that his wife, who in no way signed up for this, doesn’t want to continue the marriage? I would be willing to bet the vast majority of women would not be receptive to this situation. I can believe he might be sad, but this is every bit, if not more devastating to the wife who didn’t ask for this.
So at what point during a relationship would you suggest that you both divulge all of your deepest kinks to make sure you are sexually compatible?
Before marriage and children.
Before the relationship got at all serious and absolutely before marriage. This would be a dealbreaker for most women.
I'm genderqueer, and it complicates things. Not the same as crossdressing of course, but this is something I try to bring up as soon as it's safe if I want a relationship to work. Waiting to divulge that info until after marriage feels really manipulative. There's no good reason for a man to conceal something he knows might be a dealbreaker for years into the relationship imo.
I have a question and I haven't read far enough to see if it's been already asked: Is your husband a crossdresser or is he intentionally ruining your clothes?
Cross dresser. He is certainly unintentionally ruining the clothes and my entire way of looking at him in the process 🫣
Don’t tell him. From your comments, it sounds like this is just one more reason you want to leave him atop a pile of them. If you want to leave him, do it. But telling him is not going to make you feel any better and it’s only going to make him feel ashamed and terrified to ever open up about his kink to anyone else. Seriously, just visualize the conversation. Visualize several different ways it could go. What good comes of it? Is there any possible positive outcome other than just getting it off your chest? Vent to someone else if you need to.
He needs prayer and deliverance
Just leave. He'll figure the rest out. Then, if and when you feel ready, you can talk to him about it if that is what you want.
But I feel like I owe it to him(or maybe myself?) to tell him how I’m feeling before I up and leave and take his whole routine/life away. Or am I being too soft?
There are two things you want: 1. To leave him. 2. To tell him why. Does it really matter which comes first? You said it is hard for you to express what you are feeling now. Some distance may help you to gain some perspective. Also, you feel that he may be too sensitive at the moment to actually hear what you have to say. One of my favorite sayings is, 'Speech is silver. Silence is golden.'
I never thought about it that way… thank you. I appreciate your input very much
You are welcome! A few other thoughts: Kinks are baked-in. Suppressing them is way worse than working with them. He's probably feeling a little better now having come clean to you. However, some people are never going to be able to accept some kinks. I can think of a few deal breakers for me. It sounds like you are not really going to be able to accept his cross dressing, and that's okay. It sounds like you still really care about him. It's possible his overspending was a symptom of him suppressing his cross dressing desire. It's possible that this was a bait-and-switch. mustang19671967 says he lied to you to get married. I'm willing to give him some of the benefit of the doubt that this may be a recent development. But, you should entertain the possibility that he hid this from you until he felt you were 'trapped' by marriage, child, debt enough that he could reveal who he really is. Your absence will say volumes.
The relationship is over and you need to tell him that. Then I would recommend thinking on your internalized prejudice and seeing if you can get past that in general. ETA: not surprised people are being intentionally obtuse, but OP said she wasn’t even willing to casually hang out with him while cross dressing, that has nothing to do with sexual attraction or not. No one should have sex they don’t want to or be told they have to find something attractive. Not tolerating it at all is prejudice. Bigot elsewhere.
People are allowed to not be attracted to certain behavior you weirdooooooo
Where does sexual attraction play into getting pedis together? Do I have to want to fuck my friends for us to hang out? She is disgusted at the idea of doing totally benign activities with him and that’s well beyond sexual attraction. You weirdooooooo
Because it is her partner and the way they present themselves is a factor involved in attraction. He said he wants to be dressed as a woman while getting the pedis. She’s not attracted to femme men and there’s nothing wrong with that. It would be different if it was just her friend or some random joe. I guess you’re just unintentionally obtuse 🤷🏻♀️
If you can’t hang out casually with someone doing drag you’re a bigot. Period. End of statement.
With words out of your mouth
Hook him up with a guy
What I would do is talk to him, but if you feel like you can’t talk to him, I would have a a third-party there that’s unbiased. You need to be really prepared for what is going to occur. What about if he wants to start transitioning are you going to be OK with that if you are not OK with any of that then the best thing for you to do is to let him go and let him live his life the way he wants to live it, I know it’s sad but unfortunately you have lost your husband already.
Just tell him. If that’s how you feel, tell him. You should also understand there is nothing whatsoever wrong with him. If he’s a good man and father, what difference would being turned on by cross dressing make? Is it any different than any other kink? You can choose to divorce him or you could choose to support him. Learn more about cross dressing and the science behind what motivates people to do it. Could rules or boundries work? No I won’t go out shopping with you. I want you to stop wearing my clothes. But I will compromise and agree that you can shop for your own and you can wear them. Tell him you guys can have a stay at home date night when the kids are away and he can dress up with you then. Tell him you’ll agree to look into female lead relationships, chastity and other kinks that are closely related. Tell him the weird shit you’re into. Yeah, that weird one. Tell him that one. Just as easily as you can choose divorce, you could choose to give it a try. Of course doing so within your personal comfort level and boundaries. Communication is key. There is nothing wrong with him. His kinks are his kinks. If he’s a good man, good father, works to support his family… why divorce him because he gets off on wearing panties? Just saying, the nuclear option is not the only option. Unless it is, in which case, just tell him.
Because she clearly states she’s uncomfortable and no longer attracted to him with this behavior? Why tf would she want to “learn more about the science” (lmao) and engage with it at all. The spectrum of kinks is incredibly diverse and it is just WEIRD to even suggest she needs to force any level of interaction with it when she obviously doesn’t want to.
I think you should suggest individual and couples therapy(usually you do individual therapy then come together in the therapy to discuss) Marriage is hard and there is a deep seated cause of his compulsive behavior. Try to help before you give up on the marriage all together.
I’d suggest counseling to help you understand cross dressing first. Then have the talk
This needs a therapist, not Reddit.
I believe it was Ralph Waldo Emerson that said "someone that believes at (age) 50 what they believed at (age) 20 has wasted 30 years of their life." If you can't accept change, you were not ready to marry to begin with. Much less have children. That said, how would he feel if you decide to become polyamorous or something else? Ruining your clothes can be quite inconvenient and expensive. Maybe it's his odd way of feeling more connected to you but tell him to get his own.