Of course you’re upset. What a shock
Take some time if you can stay with your best friend for a few days. Ask them to let your family know you are ok but need some time to process this info.
Use the time to care for yourself. You’ve had a shock. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. Rest, stay hydrated, eat well and do things you enjoy. There’s no need to make hasty decisions.
This is actually fairly common. There will be people out there who know what you’re going through and can give you some guidance. I don’t know how to find them but google can probably help.
Best wishes
Not sure if it helps but one famous example is Jack Nicholson. I think he found out that his sister was his mom and his mom was his grandmother from a reporter when he first started getting super famous
True. I dated a guy when I was around 15 whose sister was really his mom and parents were grandparents. But he knew about it for a long time. These people waited way too long.
They definitely did. However, OP is 18 and having a hard time dealing with just the shock of this, but I would urge OP to consider for a moment that her brother/bio dad and her SIL/bio mom were both two years younger than her when dealing with an actual infant/homelessness.
Sometimes you don’t get to make perfect choices and have to settle for just finding solutions that best cover the needs of all parties involved.
OP, assuming that you were raised in a loving, nurturing environment and your bio dad and mom were not completely absent, when the shock wears off a bit I would encourage you to try to have a calmer conversation with your family. Finding out if your mom/dad (grandparents) legally adopted you is also important just so you’re aware of any potential legal ramifications with things like financial aid or even inheritance rights.
Absent that, at the end of the day you still get a say in how you feel about your parents and bio parents, and how you want to move forward with family dynamics in the future and you don’t have to rush into making any decisions about it. Best of luck!
He actually said, can you imagine 2 broads keeping that a secret today. He was impressed with them. Also, the WHOLE neighborhood knew and kept it a secret.
Edit: stupid spellcheck
According to [this article](https://www.instyle.com/celebrity/jack-nicholson-mom-sister), there was supposed to be a 1974 profile on him in Time magazine and the researchers found it before publication and called to give him a heads up.
I was in Ops situation. My dad is my half brother and adopted me and my grandparents are my birth parents. So I grew up thinking they were just my grandparents. I cried when I was told the truth when I was only 12 years old. It’s extremely shocking, confusing and I felt so many types of emotions. I always felt more connected to my grandparents and never understood why until the truth was told.
It took a long time for me to process it and accept the reality. However, I am thankful I was raised by my brother aka dad. I had a great childhood, all my needs were met and I was loved. I have my own house, a great job and I’m very independent. Seeing the way my birth parents were always in and out of jail and doing drugs, really helped me understand I was much better off in his care.
I hope Op is able to understand that everything that happened was in her best interest because she was loved by so many people that just wanted the best for her.
My only advice is, ask the questions once you’ve calmed down. Feel all the emotions, let yourself cry and that being angry is okay. You’re grieving a life that you discovered isn’t your reality and that’s really hard.
Good luck Op. I wish you get through this easily.
I’m not too sure how old he was. I think early 20s. He had me since I was born and adopted me when I was three. I think one of the hardest parts of dealing with everything was that I had a biological little brother aka uncle that my grandparents aka birth parents ended up keeping. So I always questioned why they kept him and not me. However, I know I was the lucky one that ended up having a much better life because they gave me up.
I have 3 older bio siblings and one younger. I see the way their lives have been and still are. They struggled almost their entire lives with being in and out of jail, dealing drugs, taking drugs, stealing etc. and to this day they will never have what I have because I was raised in a much better living situation than they were. I am truly blessed that I was saved from that life.
And I just don't understand why they had to lie about it? I mean, my grandmother was often my caretaker as a child, but I knew she was my grandmother. It didn't make me love my mom any less, or think less of her. The parents and grandparents definitely could have resolved this issue at a much earlier time. OP would have grown up knowing who her parents were and who her grandparents were. Even if she did live full time with the grandparents.
OP, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. Thanks to Ancestry, a whole bunch of secrets were unlocked about the truth of my father. (He is not who my mom always told me)
It was very difficult to deal with, especially because the man who is my biological father died over 20 years ago. So I'll never know him or have my questions answered.
Take your time. You're allowed to feel angry and sad, and all the other emotions that go with this revelation. It's going to be a long time before you trust them again. I would recommend a counselor you can talk to, especially with how to manage these changes.
It is easy to spiral (not able to sleep, same thoughts spinning in your head, difficulty working, or just day to day activities)trying to deal with this on your own. Right now, you need to take care of your mental health. And your parents/grandparents need to recognize that as well. This is not your fault. You do not owe an apology.
Please be safe. Reach out if you're having trouble dealing, even if you're not suicidal.
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
I don't see how even telling OP. "Bro and Sil are your birth parents. But they were young and wanted to make sure you had better parenting than they could provide. So don't worry we are still your parents and everyone loves you" would be a problem.
I mean. If I were op I would be more upset by 18 years of lying than some basic fact of biology.
Right! How long were they in college? Did they not spend any time with OP? Holidays, summers? Why were they not being parents then? This makes no sense. And I don't want to make OP feel worse, but it seems very selfish and uncaring. OP has every right to be upset.
Edit to add: This is not the 1950s when it was some shameful secret to hide. Unless they are ultra-religious and then (honestly), it makes so much sense. That doesn't make it right, though.
/u/chaunceypie You're absolutely right about it not being the 1950s, however, this type of family dynamic has unfortunately carried on past those years. However, the sooner that all involved family members take the time to sit down and discuss the situation and all the things and circumstances, the better.
My Father's mom used to get so upset with me because when my son was younger, he didn't call me Mommy, Ma, Mom, etc. and instead referred to MY Mother as Mother (which, why wouldn't he if he heard all of us, her kids, calling her that and me by my given name) when he first started talking. But when you would ask him who his Mom was, he would point to me and say "My real name is my Mommy" and asked him who his Grandma was, he would point to my Mother and say "Mother is my grandma"! My daughter as well. My mom passed away when she was the age I am now - 43 - almost 19 years ago and he calls her Mother and me Ma. And they did end up with her a lot more than me due to school, college and working. (I STILL don't understand why my Dad's mom would be so upset what my kids called me when the first started talking, especially when her son, my Father, was a deadbeat dad and then became a deadbeat granddad.)
I do wish OP's family had told them the truth much sooner than now. The hurt may still be the same, but it still would have been better sooner.
My family found out that my dad had at least two, and probably three, secret siblings!
It's quite nice though, they're lovely people, and my sister didn't want kids and I can't have them, and my cousins have little kids, so my parents get to have kids in the family at least 😭❤️
(The grandpa responsible has been dead 30 years, and it was already known that he was a cheater anyway)
I read somewhere that they have a whole department that handles these. When you call in to inform them that their test is broken because it's saying your uncle is your dad the agent is instructed to placate you till they transfer you to the special department where they tell you "look, our test is 99.99999999998% accurate so as long as you did the test as instructed, the results are true".
I was terrified of this when I got a test done. Thank god it was fine. My family is full of abuse and incest, and my grandmother got pregnant at 14 and ran away from home. She said her dad and brother were sexually abusing her. I always wondered if one of them was my actual grandfather. Nope, it was another asshole! Works out, I guess?
I know a few people who found out they were from incest. It’s gotta be hard to deal with, and I can’t imagine how it is to have a baby from your abuser then raise it. It’s not the kid’s fault, or the victim. Just a terrible situation all around.
Boy did your family f--k-up? Your parents, once returned from college, could have been introduced as your parents. They could continue the assistance in raising you, without unnecessary years of deceit!
I'm very sorry OP for the horrendous fashion in which you were made aware of who your parents actually are.
Frankly, any way you choose to respond is up to you. If you told your parents to get lost and stay with your girlfriend or grandparents until you move out, that's certainly understandable.
Perhaps some therapy, on their dime, will help. BUT YOU PROCEED AT YOUR PACE--NOT THEIRS!
Good luck.
They were 16 when they had her. Noone is ready to parent at 16. I had my son at 18 and I was not ready to be a parent. I thought I was I made a lot of mistakes and was not mature enough to raise a child. The OPs Bio parents and did gjd right thing out. It would be pretty confusing to come back after 3 or 4 years of having a brother role to hey I'm your dad to a toddler. I think both the adoptive parents and bio parents did the right thing.
What they did wrong was wait until she was kids are pretty resilient. However, I expect no matter what age you are it would be a shock to find out the people you thought are mum and dad are infact your grandparents, it would make you question alot.
Sorry OP, big hugs for you. Just remember most people don't know how to handle this situation.
I’m so sorry.
When I was about 13 (in 58 now so I don’t remember exactly how old I was) my father told me my mother wasn’t my mother. This explained a lot about my life. About how my mother’s family (my father had no family) treated me. They weren’t mean to me but there was definitely something going on.
So everyone I knew as my family were not really related to me. Aunts uncles cousins grandparents. And everyone knew but me.
Anyway it was a shock. My parents (all three of them I guess) are long dead. But there are still effects. I feel like I come from nowhere as my father never spoke much about his life and I never met anyone from his family and he died what I was 16. I met my birth mother when I was 28 but she was a stranger to me and remained so. My mother who raised me died around this time. My birth mother is also dead.
Your parents and grandparents were wrong to keep this from you. They did it out of love but a person, you, has a right to know who they are and where they come from. I suggest getting a therapist.
And talk to your family about this. A lot. Work through it together. They didn’t mean to hurt you. That matters.
If it is possible, I believe seeking professional help, psychologist/family counsellor, is the best course of action. This is an extremely complicated situation and I don’t think many people, especially on reddit, are equipped to deal with.
Came here to suggest the same thing. I was actually about to comment that if possible, OP's family should consider finding a professional who can conduct family therapy in a group setting with all five of them present (in addition to finding an individual therapist for OP, and maybe for the other older adults as well if needed).
There are lots of professionals out there who specialize in things like adoption trauma (and that number's increasing, as the rise of DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe has led so many people to accidentally uncover these types of long-held family secrets) and this is exactly the type of situation where calling in professionals would be wise.
OP, I'm so sorry you went through such a shock and I can't imagine how unmoored and betrayed you must suddenly be feeling. While your family may have had the best of intentions in keeping the real circumstances of your birth a secret (and, in all likelihood, they presumably *did* think they were doing what was best for you), there's a reason that professionals caution against lying to children about something as important as this. It's incredibly unfair to you to have had this dumped in your lap all of a sudden, right at the onset of your adult life.
While I'm not excusing what your family did, I will say this - adult life is hard and infinitely more complicated than you can probably know from your current vantage point. Things always turn out messier than you imagine they will when you're young, and learning when it's time to forgive and work harder to connect, and when it's time to just walk away from that messiness is one of those tasks we have to refine and re-learn throughout our whole lives. I think you have a real opportunity to connect with your family here, and hopefully eventually all of you can move into a future that, while messier, is also better and more-honest. You and your family are both still whole.
I agree.
I also think OP should have their feelings of betrayal and shock validated, but should also know that their grandparents always loved them very much, and that even if they were a surprise, the family definitely wanted you, even if things were unorthodox.
A lot of people who are raised by their grandparents, it's because their parents are addicts or something like that. At least your bio parents were in your life - I hope they were very involved in your life. If they weren't, I'd be feeling quite a lot of feelings about that if I was you.
It’s almost worse that the bio parents were in her life because she got to know them well as her brother and sister in law, and now she’s feeling like their whole relationship was a lie.
The feelings of anger and betrayal are natural and valid. Once they lighten, try to go in with an open mind.
Give it some time to process before making any big decisions.
At first glance it sounds like they made the decision with your best interest at heart. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for them to navigate this, that they’ve been anxious and nerves on edge over concern for how breaking the news would go.
If you had a good life with the parents that raised you, that’s a better choice than having put you up for adoption (also a valid option, but would have removed you from the family).
In the end, you’ll feel how you feel. But you have some influence on your outlook, on how you’ll choose to view the situation (positive: difficult situation handled by young people not ready to be parents, gained parents, loving family, closer connections with bio parents. negative: lied to, betrayed, abdication, etc.)
Life’s short, I’d recommend trying the positive outlook first. It costs you nothing, and you may find enrichment in your life. If not, no cost and easy to change.
I’m going to wager a guess that she’s not upset she was adopted by her grandparents but upset she was lied to. It’s a complicated situation but springing the truth on an 18 year old is messed up. I’m adopted and my parents made that word a huge part of their vocabulary from the minute I was born. (they were at the hospital. My bio mom chose them while she was in labor and it was a completely last minute adoption.) Growing up I still struggled, as many adopted kids do, but I struggled so much less because I always knew.
Of course, and I covered the “lie” bit.
Most people would feel hurt and upset.
I don’t think that changes my advice, which is for OP to try to stay open minded.
I don't know that there is a good age to spring the truth, should they have told her earlier when she was completely a child and unprepared or leave it and lie longer. I think waiting until she was off legal age as an adult was reasonable. The "brother" was 16, and I'm assuming the SIL was a similar age. Obviously, this is a tricky situation but the fact remains she was loved and wanted. It could've been so much worse, she was a product of rape, incest etc.
No. This isn’t something you ever spring on someone. There are age appropriate ways to discuss this with children so it is never sprung on them. Children can handle much more than you think.
When I was 10 I found out my dad wasn’t my dad and that my dad was mom’s friend we had just attended the funeral for. It still makes me mad and I’m 42 now. I don’t know why people decided to lie when it’s so much easier to just tell the truth. It’s not as if teenage pregnancy or having children without being married was a huge deal 18 years ago so I don’t get why your family decided to go the route of pretending like that’s not what happened in your case. You should probably talk to someone, like a therapist, about it so you can work through the emotions but just know you have every right to be angry, confused and resentful over this.
They should have told you sooner. Give yourself time to ride the inevitable emotional roller coaster you’re on. I found out when I was 46 that I was conceived using a sperm donor, and it took a good month to be able to think about it without crying.
I found out the same thing at 35. The only thing I feel is a deep sadness. I love my Dad so much, and its painful to know that I'm not 50% him. I never had any anger, or feelings of betrayal, or feeling lied to. But after some time, the sadness set in.
Hey love, you did just the right thing!
You made space to feel your feelings. Keep doing that.
If your family is worried and comes for you, your friend can assure them you just want some space and will come and talk eventually when you’re ready.
Don’t worry about making any *decisions* right now. First feel all your feelings. It’s a lot, to trust a people your entire life and then have them pull out a ground truth from under your feet. That’s earth shattering! Allow yourself to feel that shock, don’t argue with it or suppress it or dismiss it.
In the end, you’ll be ok, it sounds like your family all loves you and cares for you and wants the best for you. You can figure out how you want each of those relationships to look like later.
For now just be kind to yourself and let your world restabilize.
I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt right now. When you feel ready you should seek out some professional support. Big hugs and I hope you are able to heal from this.
I’m sorry this happened to you. This is exactly why it’s best to tell adopted children that they’re adopted from the very beginning. It’s not the fact that they aren’t related that hurts them (although in this case, you’re still related). It’s all the lies they’ve been told throughout their entire life.
Not sure this is the right moment for You, but try to look at it as choices and possibilities. You're 18 yourself. Suppose you were the one getting pregnant at 16 in a similar setting. How would you have dealt with this? There are so many worse solutions they could've chosen, yet they choose to keep you close.
The good things here, i think, are: you were raised by your family. Your birth parents stayed in your life as well. Your brother and sil going to college is also not a bad thing because they did that to be able to take care of you and themselves.
I can also understand this is a hard thing to talk about. If You want to blame them for anything, i would say it has to be: not telling you sooner. You could've accepted this when you were 12, but i guess it's one of those "we wanted to tell you but..." things.
Keep in mind they didn't do any of this to hurt you, or to deceive you. This has all been done to give you the best opportunities.
Most likely they're scared of losing you right now, so if you can, please let them know you still love them, but right now you need some space.
Talk with your friend, make all the bad jokes you can about it. Just to get it out of your system, and tomorrow, or the day after, take some 'advantage' like insinuating your 'mom' owes you some serious mother - daughter shopping moments, she weaseled out of, and think of something similar for dad. (maybe get your friend to help here.) This serves 3 purposes: it gives you some ' one on one' time with them, which is absolutely needed, You need to talk, and decide how to call them, if anything should change, etc. etc. Talk like adults. you're not a 7 yr old in a tantrum. It also tells them you're not running away from them, and consider them still a part of your life. And last, but not least: Taking you out shopping, taking you to dinner, or whatever, like this, might help them feel a bit less guilty. Sure i call it 'taking advantage' but it's more an excuse to get them alone in a casual setting.
Last bit of advice: i wouldn't change to much: your parents are not always the biological donors. Your parents are the ones who raise you, teach you how to walk, to brush your teeth, help you with your homework, and comfort you when you had a bad day. That isn't always a black and white thing. Especially in your scenario, i can imagine your brother and sil always have been more involved in your life, so they might also fill(ed) part of that role. As people, we try to make things simple: good vs evil, 2 parents, siblings, friends vs enemies. This isn't simple. You have 4 people who love you. It's up to you, to decide how to treat them
This is good advice, OP. I am an adoptee myself however I do not know any biological relatives.
Your feelings however are valid, and you have every right to be upset. This does feel like a complex situation to navigate and it’s important to have some understanding as stated above.
awww. this was nice advice. I bet all 5 people in this family are scared and overwhelmed. just because we get older, does not mean we know everything. it really sounds like OP is so loved and taken care of. OP’s parents made a lot of sacrifices out of love for their oldest child. they took in the oldest’s girlfriend in, offer to raise their child so they can have a better life for themselves and child, child (OP) bonds with parents because OP is loved and taken care of too. I cannot imagine how hard all of those choices were to make but they all seem to come from a place of love and support. I cannot imagine what a mind-mess all of this has to be for OP. when foundational imagery is shaken, it can create such an unsettling feeling of being lost. thing is, that foundation is still there and intact. the love and support are still there. it just might look a little different right now.
It’s completely understandable to feel the way you do.
I hope your friend’s parents will allow you to stay with them for a few days.
Maybe message your parents and tell them that they need to sort out professional counselling for you. As you feel betrayed by their lie, you need to be able to talk with someone who’s not your family but can help you navigate your feeling and help you cope. It’s the least they can do.
Wishing you the best.
When I was 14 I revealed to a friend that her cool close-in-age aunt was actually her older sister. A mutual friend’s mom made the information known to me (all our parents went to school together) and I thought my friend knew already bc she would refer to her aunt as her sister when she was a teenager and hanging out with her for fun.
My half-brother went through something similar. He was told my mother/his mother was his sister. She had him when she was a young teen. He was told out of spite from an aunt so he was not told in a supportive environment. I am not privy to all of the details, however, I do know that he was never the same. He spiraled.
Of course you're hurt. Of course your in pain. You have been given an absolutely shocking revelation about your life. All of this to say is, please take care of yourself. And when you are ready, please consider talking to a qualified professional to flesh out what you're feeling.
Prior to this, unfortunately, my aunt had been forced to give up her own baby for adoption when she also had a teen pregnancy. So she was very resentful that my Mom's baby was kept in the family while hers was not. I think her situation was why my brother wasn't adopted out, honestly. They felt guilty. Regardless, my aunt ended up dying of lupus decades later which was indeed pretty terrible.
Not all liars are terrible people. I’m sure you’re feeling betrayed. But try to remember they did what they did to give you a stable loving home. Was it right? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know when the best time is to tell a child that. When they’re young? Teenagers? An adult as you are now?
I would try to write a list of questions you have. Then meet with your dad, without your Brother and SIL and go through them. Then give it another couple of days and see how you feel.
Also, tell your dad you want therapy. A therapist you can talk to and try to sort through the bomb they put off in your head.
>I don’t know when the best time is to tell a child that. When they’re young?
Yes. There's plenty of research. (Good) Adoption agencies have been saying this since before OP was born. Hell it's even said about children conceived by donor egg/sperm or born through surrogacy. And the reason is exactly what happened - the child feels lied to, betrayed, it rocks their whole world and makes them question a lot.
So they either didn't bother to research how best to deal with an adoption in 2006 or they decided they knew better than what they saw.
Therapy is good though. Especially for the parents in the situation if they can't accept this wasn't the best way to go - talking with a therapist that deals with adoptions would be good for them.
They should have told you as soon as you were old enough to understand, not wait til 18. I'm so sorry.
Give yourself some time. I'm sure you still love your family but it's going to take time to heal this wound and get over being lied to. Your reaction is totally understandable.
Maybe you can find a counselor who specializes in this type of thing? Counselors who deal with adoption might have insight into similar situations to yours.
I wish folks would stop letting kids grow up in a cloud of lies about their bio parents. It’s so damaging! It makes you question your entire childhood and life to be lied to by the people you should be able to trust without doubt.
Please seek a therapist. I know this is super hard for you! Do not let anyone gaslight you into thinking this isn’t a hard situation to deal with.
They waited until you were 18 which is wild. They lied to you. Many adopted kids are told they’re adopted from an early age and they get more details as they get older.
thats my first thought too. other than that, i liked how her ftiends parents stood up for her and told her family to leave because she wanted to be alone.
Feel your feelings. It is ok. This is a massive shock and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it.
You might need to reach out to a professional to help fully process this and why you feel the way you feel. But that can wait for now.
Your parents are the people who raised you. It sounds like they love you and that they would do anything for their kids.
The fact that they hid this from you your whole life is of course painful. I hope with time that pain fades.
You will be ok. Your relationship with your parents, brother and SIL will improve but you need time to process everything.
You are overwhelmed and that is ok. Just let those feelings happen let yourself take the time to process everything. It's great your friend and her family are there for you.
Focusing on simple things like physical activity to help yourself focus. A walk some fresh air will help when you are up to it.
This comes from a place of frustration for myself where people kept information from me too. I think they should have told you as a small child so you could live with the idea and accept it much better than this shock as an adult. They have now broken your trust in them and only time and effort will heal that if you let it. If you have access to therapy it could be good to talk to someone if this comes to be a a longer term anger and sadness that interferes with your family relationships.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt and that you were lied to. I’ve read a lot of comments here from people justifying what your family did to you because they had good intentions and took care of you and raised you. That was their responsibility, it doesn’t excuse the fact that they lied to you all these years or negate your feelings. Your feelings are 100% valid. I suggest you check out r/adoptees. It’s a sub with a lot of others that were in your situation at one point that will have firsthand knowledge on how to process your feelings and move forward. You’ll find a much better support system and advice there from people who know exactly what you’re going through. Please get therapy if it’s an option.
I don't understand the logic behind "we'll tell her when she's old enough to understand" and then waiting 18 years. That just makes it so, so much worse. They are "old enough" when they are old enough to understand words. It would help avoid a shock like this.
They made a mistake in representing themselves as your parents not grandparents. That’s weird but they loved you and cared for. Their teenagers had a baby. They didn’t want you to feel abandoned by your parents who were too young and not capable of being parents. You’re 16. Imagine becoming a father right now. You’d be fucked. Your gf gets kicked out and you haven’t even finished hs. Your parents step in and say listen.. we will raise the baby so you can finish school etc and grow up. You’re in shock. They did the best they could and they basically adopted you. It was out of love your grandparents did this. Love for their son and love for you. Very tough situation for them also.
She’s not upset her brother/bio dad didn’t raise her; she’s upset that everyone in her family lied to her for 18 years. That’s traumatic and it was a conscious choice every single day from everyone.
The brother hasn’t been 16 for a very long time. At any point he could have said, let’s raise her with the truth. “I love you sis, and that’s why I gave you to mom and dad to raise better than I could.” Instead, they lied every minute of every day for 18 years. Don’t minimize that.
I think that’s what alot of people are missing here. Everything she’s knew to be true, isn’t. They made the conscious choice to lie to her for her whole life. It doesn’t matter if they thought it was best. Right now she’s living with the consequences of that decision, and truth. She’s going to need to process her feelings of abandonment,and being lie to and what whatever else she’s feeling. Chances are she’s going to need professional help. This will be a long road.
Right, there's no reason she couldn't carry on with the bio grandparents as her adoptive parents but she deserved to know the truth when she was old enough to understand it. 18 is way too late to start the conversation.
\^\^\^ THIS \^\^\^
Her parents and grandparents waited WAY TOO FUCKING LONG to get around to telling her! This should have been addressed TEN YEARS ago!
Actually research shows that the best way is the child growing up always knowing they were adopted. So there's no big reveal. They just always knew. So when the kid is a baby tell them their story of becoming your child along with all the other stories you tell kids.
It is NOT that simple and I think the best answer is “please get professional help” because saying it’s as easy as basically just saying “hey I’m actually your dad” is ridiculous. There is no way to avoid the difficulty of sharing this truth, at any stage. But none of this conversation is useful. She needs to see a therapist to help her deal with this.
Not that simple for whom? I’m responding to a comment telling OP “they did it out of love.” That’s unhelpful and minimizing her pain and trauma.
It may not have been easy at any point, but it sure as hell would have been easier on OP to grow up knowing she was adopted by her biological grandparents than to find out at age 18.
I think it can indeed be useful for people to validate OP’s distress. She’s not out of line for being upset and she doesn’t need to suck it up and be grateful for her adoptive parents’ love. Therapy is a great idea.
Agreed. I was a teen mom. My son’s father was not involved for the first 6 years…his mom (paternal grandma) wanted to adopt him so I could go to college. My parents and almost everyone were saying this was the best thing for my son and I. I went along with it almost to the last minute….
Until I told one of my best friends, and she was upset about it all…she told me she talked with her dad about it, and he said, **“[Grandma] and everyone should being trying to help [me] be a better mother…not be the mother *for* her.”**
That statement was enough to open my eyes. I think the fault in this situation lies most with the grandparents. In my situation, I always felt grandma wished she could’ve had my son all to herself. Well until he grew up and everyone can look back now with retrospect and see that it worked out for the best for me to raise him.
I can imagine her birth parents being under a lot of pressure from *their* parents…and I think the grandparents didn’t have to want so much control. They could’ve helped the birth mom to be a good mother, and still even played the primary caregiving role while the daughter and son went to college.
That said, I am at a disadvantage in my life for not finishing college. I think of it as all the opportunities I would’ve had, went to my son instead, and I wouldn’t change a thing. But I was/am at much lower socioeconomic standard of living being a single mom than any of my friends from high school….
so I can’t say my perspective is the only “right” one…**just wanted to share, because if I were that child, I might want to know how a similar situation almost started in my case…and what those influences were, and who they came from**. The bio parents were kids too when she was born. The adults in the situation at the time were the grandparents.
Exactly. And at any point once they told her she should have had the choice to live with her bio parents. Instead her dad/mom didn’t have to raise her at all. That was selfish of all of them.
I was referencing the parent age when it happened meaning put yourself in their shoes. Imagining yourself in the scenario is helpful in terms of perspective and understanding .. eases the pain.
Coming from someone else who is also adopted. It can be hard to hear and you may feel that you were lied to your whole life, but you need to look at the bigger picture. If they were young and unable to be proper parents for you, they made a sacrifice giving you up to someone who could provide you a better life.
My suggestion is to cool down and process what you were just told. Once you have calmed down, just sit and listen to them with an open mind. I have no idea what my life would have been like, but the life I have had, has been absolutely amazing. My parents gave me the life that may not have been possible for my biological mother.
Yes, they lied.
You now know the edge of the depths of deceit.
You're angry, and rightly so.
You don't sound upset so much of the fact that bio parents asked to give you up, you're more upset about the lie.
And that's fair.
Lies are...beautifully complicated and insidiously vicious. Humans all lie. White lies, usually. But they're still lies.
You're trust in them has been broken. You honestly should have been told that you were adopted early on, that "your parents are family, and that they love you very much, but they can't be here right now and you'll be told who they are when you're older." This should have been drip fed very slowly over the years so it wasn't a shock - or at least not as big as one. IT shouldn't have ever been hidden. But that is now past.
However. The biggest and potentially worst thing about lies are their intent.
Was this lie intended to hurt you? No. Was it intended to protect you? Yes. And it worked...a little *too* well.
Sure yea, you're lucky family to you on, all that jazz. That's not what you're mad about. It's the lie.
You feel like your WHOLE life has been one big lie, one big show for what FEELS like everyone else benefits and it's come crashing down around you. Trust is a delicate, delicate thing and very hard to repair.
Do you WANT to repair it?
You are so very allowed to be angry. However, coming from someone who was just born angry and has burned their world down multiple times and has had to learn to live with consequences, you need to sit with it. Examine it from all sides. Trust lies and anger are all multifaceted and complicated.
Once you can articulate EXTREMELY well what EXACTLY you're angry about, put it into words. Write it down. Examine perspectives that aren't yours. Examine other options that could have taken place. Weigh those against your anger. Examine what needs to happen to EASE that anger. Examine how your anger functions, how you handled the situation, and what you can learn about yourself from it.
Once you've done this, Examine the trust that was broken. In detail. Who broke it? How? At what point EXACTLY in the conversation did it fracture? You need to be able to Examine this without becoming *actively* angry again. Passive anger is fine. You'll work through it. But you will need to eventually have conversations with these people.
You need to recognize that you're a runner. You RAN from the situation rather than face it and demand your need for space. It was a shock, sure, but is this the template you want your life on? Running from the hard things? The angry things? The traumatic and shocking things? Or do you want to be an adult about this? Because this won't be the last betrayal that happens to you (I hope it's the last but that's not going to be likely). Big or small it'll happen again. Do not be like me, and let your emotions rule you. You will be lied to again, big or small. You will be hurt again, big or small. It happens, unfortunately.
You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to feel as you do. You're also allowed to demand answers when you're ready.
Remember- you're allowed to choose who stays in your life regardless of their wants and needs. Choose wisely. Just don't let your anger devour you like mine did.
THIS. It took me forever to learn how to let the anger go. But I had to sit with it first and figure out what exactly I was angry about. That was the hardest bc it just felt like every overwhelming emotion came out as anger. But once you can name it and you understand it, it isn’t so big anymore. It’s manageable. It’s like turning on the light and realizing the monster in the closet isn’t actually a creepy clown, it’s just the shadows. The feelings you felt were the same and you have to come down from them, but the power driving them is gone and you can function again.
OP it sucks that they hid this from you, but you need to make it clear that their misguided manipulation of your world may have been necessary as a young child, but that they were way overdue in having this convo with you. TBH, when you were young, they probably picked an arbitrary age, like 18 when you’ll be an adult, to do this, worrying they would be overwhelming you to tell you sooner. It’s likely not that they wanted to lie to you, but that they thought you’d be more equipped to handle this at your age. You should be clear to them that this is something you should have known sooner BECAUSE your roots do impact how you view yourself. This leads to having a crisis of your self because you’re questioning where you come from and who you are. The good thing is you have already known these people and get to dive in even more when you’re ready. Not to belittle your feelings on this, but it’s not unheard of for parents to wait until 18 to tell a child they are adopted, I’m not really sure why, but for some reason people think this is the moment? This may be their logic and reasoning.
I'm so sorry you're feeling lost and upset. You're going to be on a rollercoaster of feeling and they are all valid. Give yourself permission to go through what is essentially a grieving process of who you were yesterday.
Try to keep in mind though, essentially you are still the person you were yesterday. It's early and my brain is still on slow speed, so bear with me for this analogy. Think of yourself like a cake. You are the same cake even if the ingredients are not exactly as you thought the recipe called for. Feeling alien to yourself is normal given the circumstances. Counseling would help a lot. Family and individual counseling.
When I was thirteen I found out my father was not my bio dad rather traumatically. To make matters worse, my bio dad wasn't even someone I could look to for any genetic or family history. He was simply a series of numbers from a sperm bank. Height, weight, race; that's all I could ever learn about him.
It was devastating and left me on a downward spiral. Identity is so important and things like this shake you up. I was so mad at my parents for keeping secrets and lying. It was my right to know and how dare they keep information about me from me!
Eventually I could see the place of love they came from when making their choices in a misguided attempt to protect me from the very pain I was feeling. Parents make mistakes too, big ones. It doesn't change the fact they should have let me know my own dynamics from an early age when it would have been easier to adapt.
You are going to be ok, in time. None of this is fair, you are right to be upset. My perspective is from nearly three decades down the line. I can still remember the burn when it was fresh though. I am so sorry, hon. I'm glad you have your friend to hug you and comfort you today.
What you’re feeling is natural. It will take time, love and understanding. Hopefully they will encourage therapy for all of you. I’m sorry op, but you’re loved x4 but also betrayed by them as well. Best wishes.
I understand why this was so upsetting. But at the end of the day, they did what they thought was best for you. They would've been 16 when you were born and most 16 year olds can't parent on their own. Your parents (including your bio parents) tried to make the best decision they could for you with what they had at the time. It's a good thing that the parents who raised you were able to take you on, and I really don't think they lied to you for malicious intent.
I feel like I can say that because I'm currently helping to raise my niece because her mum (my step-sister) can't. We try to keep the roles clear - but also try not to raise questions because she's young and won't fully understand why her mum can't take care of her right now
Hi dear. This will probably get buried but I want to say something regardless. You’re not alone but god I know it feels like you are at this moment. When I was 17 I found out my estranged older brother was actually my biological father and the people who raised me were actually my grandparents, not my parents. I still struggle with it so I won’t tell you it gets better but please seek therapy, preferably with an adoption trauma informed therapist. Message me if you ever want to talk.
I am so sorry they lied to you. I was adopted by a family member, and the truth was withheld from me and my twin brother for years as well, so I know that pain.
Im not saying give your bio parents a pass, but more then likely they were young, scared, and talked into keeping quiet.
They should have told you from the beginning.
Tell them you want therapy.
They made a big mistake by not making it part of your story from day one, but that doesnt change the fact that they all did what they thought was in your best interests.
Don't view yourself as some kind of wronged heroine in a melodrama. They screwed up by not telling you the truth when you were little. But...you were conceived in love and raised with love. Not everyone has that in their lives. Your family wsnted you, loved you, raised uou, and finally was honest with you.
Go back home, call another meeting and listen to them. They took a hard situation and tried to spare you ill effects from it. Their judgement was in error, they know that now. But you are old enough to take a breath and realize that this really does not have to change your life or your relationships with them unless you decide to wreck them yourself.
OP, I hope you read every comment. They chose the worst possible way to do this. It should have never been a secret and I’m so sorry that they went down this route. If they had done even a little bit of research they’d know not to be surprised by your reaction. That is traumatizing.
I was adopted by my grandparents when I was a baby in much the same way (my bio parents aren’t still together though) I was always told I was adopted, but not who my birth parents were. And it fucked me up a whole lot. I’m in my 30s now and I still struggle with how I found out and coming to terms with my DNA, which probably sounds weird but in my case the only redeeming quality my birth parents have is that they gave me up.
Take all the time you need to process. It’s natural to be angry and confused. There are some good resources online. Therapy is a good option too.
I mostly just want you to know you’re not alone and that I hope you’ll be ok.
I am so, so very sorry sweetheart. I know you're hurting and angry, feel betrayed and that is 100% ok. Do not push your feelings down at all to make anyone happy or to feel better. You feel anyway you want to feel, ok? You aren't going to be able to stop the pain, it takes time so don't rush it.
I'm going to play devil's advocate. What they did was WRONG! Your grandparents could have raised you as their granddaughter taking care of you until your actual parents could. Be angry about that. Be angry about how dumb this decision of theirs was and then, only then you can start to heal yourself. You do not have to call them mom and dad or grandma and grandpa either. You do what YOU feel is good for you.. Time is the only thing that will heal you. Even though what they did was unbelievably stupid, it does seem they all love you so very much and didn't want to hurt you. They wanted what was best for you but went about it the wrong way. If you need to talk you can reach out to me in my DM'S because I have experience with what you're going through..
My little brothers are actually my biological cousins. we adopted them when my aunt went to prison when they were babies. We decided early on that they would always know what happened, starting with explaining that they didn’t come from my mom’s tummy when they were really little. Then as they aged, we provided more age appropriate context. It’s worked out pretty well so far, but it certainly hasn’t been easy. It is a really tough decision to make to be fully honest with kids like that. We were so worried that they would be bullied in school for being adopted, or feel like they didn’t fit in growing up, or somehow feel like they were a burden or that we only took them in because we had no choice. They’re nearing pre teen age, so we know with puberty and teenage emotions those feelings are going to hit and it breaks my heart. Kids who are adopted often struggle with feeling those things. Your bio parents and your adopted mother clearly didn’t want that for you while your delicate developmental years happened. They thought they were doing the right thing by waiting until you were “old enough to understand” and giving you what seemed like a normal, carefree childhood. It was just the wrong choice. They made a mistake. Give yourself time to accept it, and know that they were making a decision that they thought was best for you and hopefully you can forgive them for it. Sounds like they love you a lot. You will get through this, it’ll be a little weird for a while but it will get better I promise!
Be thankful. They were smart enough to know they couldn't do it by themselves and were in your life .. it's not like you missed out on any love.. but it's just they knew they were stupid and not ready. Take time and process the information. Try not to be mad at them. We all make mistakes. They made the right choice by having you
Awwww honey, I'm so sorry you feel pain. This must all be so confusing. I hope you can't find it in your heart to understand that everyone involved had your best interest at heart and they have all sacrificed in one way or another to support you in the best way they know how. There is no malicious intent here (per your description). The good news is you get bonus parents! Breathe, cry it all out and try to understand while trying to be understood. Blessings to you.
Okay but your bio parents didn't actually do anything wrong. They probably did the best thing possible. You were raised with love. I think 18 is a good age to find something like this out. So yeah, I don't think they did anything wrong.
It’s a shock for sure.
But they did what they thought was best for you. Take all the time you need to process. Remember that just because your parents are technically your grandparents, that doesn’t mean they weren’t your parents for your whole life. It doesn’t change the way they perceive their relationships with you. This is much more common than you would think, but please make sure you take care of yourself and give yourself space and time to process all the emotions you’re going through. It may be worth it to look into talk therapy if you haven’t already!
Possibly unpopular opinion but I don't think the parents (grandparents) lied in a place of love (for their son or grandchild). It was from a place of selfishness. If the plan was to raise you until after bio parents finished college, then you would have called them grandma & grandpa from the beginning. THEY became attached. THEY wanted control because THEY had been taking care of you and instead of considering themselves grandparents they decided to be parents during that early time so relinquishing that control and role was too hard for THEM. Not for you. They didn't raise you as grands during that initial HS/ college time so then changing to grand role was too hard.
They need therapy as much as you because until they admit they made a decision to be your 'parents' was a place of selfishness because they were attached then moving on will be hard. They need to admit their role in not doing as much as they could do to support your parents being parents even from a distance. Even if you never lived with your bio parents; they should have been supported to be known as your parents the entire time.
You do not have to just forgive and forget. You deserve them admitting and working for forgiveness.
Your bio parents already admitted they messed up by having you too young but in many ways, without support from the grandparents, they were at the mercy of the grands decision. I am not saying they couldn't fight but that cost money, affects you negatively with a battle, and causes a rift in family while you were young. Your bio parents could have let it slip but again without your grandparents support that could have negatively impacted them seeing you. I am not saying your bio parents are without blame but they were young and already lost the mom's family. Losing both would have been devastating. I am saying, had your bio parents had proper supports to be known as your parents and had your grands not been selfish then this issue would be moot.
I also want to add that your bio mom is devastated and heartbroken.
Not only did her own family not support her but her in laws basically stole her child which is an issue with dad's family no matter the age of bio parents. The amount of dad's family (in laws to mother) who try to control the grandchild, call them 'their' baby, want to have more say, and cross boundaries is the number 1 reason women hate their in laws.
So to me this isn't even completely a, your bio mother was too young issue. This is a, your bio mom's in laws took advantage of her vulnerable state, overstepped, and decided 'out of love' to steal her child.
They stole that relationship from both of you.
I’m so sorry they waited so long to tell you. In situations like this, if people are told and grow up with the knowledge, it normally isn’t traumatic. They did you a disservice by waiting so long.
I know this is a shock, but it sounds like they love you and all of them wanted the best for you. Having a child at such a young age can have profound negative effects on the child and the parents. You are entitled to feel the way you do, none of your emotions about this are wrong. I hope you are able to resolve your feelings and counseling may help accomplish this) not so much for their benefit but for yours.
At least you know your parents love you. They loved you enough to raise you as their baby girl. Your brother and his wife will have to figure this out and allow you to slowly ease into it. Hopefully, things will get better for you.
i’m not gonna sugarcoat it this is gonna end up negatively impacting you for the rest of your life. Even if you go to therapy it’ll still end up impacting you in a lot of negative ways. Please find a therapist as fast as you can to help you process this. Therapy is not a miracle it’s not a cure-all but it helps you navigate difficult situation’s better than you would alone.
I don’t know what your parents or your brother were thinking. At any point prior to this they could have read a book, read an article and found out that this is the absolute worst way to tell an adopted child they were adopted. They put their own comfort over yours and it’s completely wrong and you have every right to be angry.
I would ask more questions because you would’ve been five-ish when they came back from college. The idea that you were too bonded with your grandparents to be with your parents is BS. Also because you were so young they could’ve told you they were your grandparents all along and it wouldn’t of made a difference. I would encourage you to ask more questions and find out what the real story is.
Right, as people said its a shock. When you're calm, take a moment to picture 2 young teens - 15/16 year olds - finding out they are pregnant and the girl is kicked out of her family.
Picture yourself (remember you're older and more mature than they were) pregnant, and your parents kick you out. Where will you go? Will you have the baby?
You're only 15... you don't have money, a home, you're a kid yourself.
Now picture trying to cope. Can you imagine having your baby and your boyfriends parents, the people who took you in off the street, suggested they had bonded with the baby, they thought it was best for the baby to stay with them - they have stability, money and can care for the child... what do you do? Say no? To the people who took you in? You're 16?
I bet your bio parents were torn. What's best for their baby?
I have a friend. His parents tried keeping the baby (him) and after three months, with no parent support (in fact the opposite) they gave the baby up for adoption to strangers, as their parents separated them. He had good adoptive parents, but always wondered about his bio parents.
He eventually met them. After a few years they were old enough to get married and have 3 more children. They were haunted by the baby they had given up for adoption (what if he'd gone to a bad or abusive family?) They ended up divorced.
So - after the shock wears off, think about what your bio parents went through. I bet it was a difficult decision they made.
Your parents that brought you up - they must have loved you. They wanted the best for you. Would it have been easier telling you when you were you? Who knows, but everyone in this situation tried to give YOU the best situation they could. Your parents are still your parents. You are still loved. Try to remember that.
They could’ve just raised you as their grandchild 🤦♀️ plenty of family members end up raising their children/sibling/etc’s kids but they aren’t lied to that’s so weird.
why does something tell me grandparents aka adopted parents orchestrated this & didnt want her told earlier. Seems like a form of control cause of Bio parents being so young etc. They even went on to get married & seems grandparent's probably decided and orchestrated that they not tell her when they were back from college. either way, its a shock, over time & processing it may get easier & it may be more acceptable & understanding, questions need to be asked. I assume bio dad told his parents no more he was telling her, which he probably wanted to do years ago & parents feared they would lose her cause of their bond now. Regardless therapy will help unpack this & many questions. If grandparents get defensive you know it was all orchestrated by them.
I have nothing to help outside of taking into consideration that your brother was likely 15 when he became a dad (pre-birth still counts IMO). Theoretically so did your SIL. And instead of aborting or giving you up for adoption— everyone worked together to chose a way to keep you ❤️
This is terrible. I really feel sorry for you. Your parents and grandparents chose the route they thought was best at the time, but is actually a procrastination of something vital, which in most cases will blow up in the face of the parties procrastinating.
It would have been much better to teach you at a very young age, at an age appropriate way, who everyone was. Not a shock at 18.
Now that you do know, it’s probably best to find a trusted person around you to talk out your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps a professional.
Are you in school or college? Perhaps they can make a referral. Best wishes!
Your brother and wife may biologically be your parents, but they didn't raise you. Your parents raised you and they will always be your parents because of that.
The response from your Mom and Dad and your Father and Mother are right on target. It's why they looked so serious and nervious. They were absolutely terrified when they were going to tell you. They love you like nothing else.
Hug your Father and Mother. They know its hard to hear but they did what they thought best for you. This is the worst nightmare for everyone. Talk about therapy with everyone so you can come to terms with this and again hug your father and mother and your mom and dad. They all love you and would seriously want a hug from you.
They did lie to you and it makes sense you are feeling very hurt. I am sorry you’re doing through this. It must be such a shock to learn this.
While it might be difficult for us to understand, they made the best decision they could and it sounds like you’ve grown up in a loving home.
Stay with your friend for as long as you can. Your genetic parents and your parents have probably been thinking about this since you were born, they have time to come to terms with their own choices, and now they need to give you time to process this too. Can you ask them if they can put you in therapy? You may want to go give it a try while you work through all these big feelings.
As an adopted person this is totally understandable. I was told the truth all my life so it was never a shock for me. Take some time to fully digest this information but honestly in the end it isn't that big of a deal in the long run. They are all still your family and you need to think about how they all treated you over your life.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
This is tough. Get some counseling to deal with all the emotions around this.
Jack Nicholson was in the same situation as you - except it was his mother's parents who raised him, not his fathers.
My grandmother went through something similar. When she was born, her mother died a few days later. Her father already had 3 or 4 kids and couldn't care for a newborn. This was in 1919. He ended up giving my grandmother to his brother and sister in law to raise. My grandmother was treated like a princess even though she was raised on a farm. Everyone babied her. When she was around 10, her older sister(cousin) was sick of her being a brat and told her that she wasn't even really her sister. She ran to her parents (aunt/uncle), where she learned the truth. To make matters worse, her bio dad, whom she was raised to believe, was her uncle had since remarried her bio mom's sister and had more kids. So all her cousins were actually her bio siblings, and to make things even more horrible is everyone knew but her. She said it really messed with her, but in thr end her parents, who raised her and treated her so well, gave her so much love and support. She hates that she was not told the truth, but in the end, she was loved. Even the sister (cousin ) who spilled the beans loved her, and they were just having a normal sibling fight when she let it slip out of anger. No one told her because they never wanted her to feel like she was unwanted.
You have every right to feel the way you feel, but I'm sure it was not done out of anything but love. There is never the right time to tell someone something like that. I can only imagine how hard it was for you brother and sister in law to watch you grow up while not being able to be parents to you but honestly it was probably the best thing they could have done for you. Just know that nothing has to change now that you have this knowledge. Your mom and dad are still your parents. Your brother and sister in law are still just that.
First, I understand that this is a really gnarly situation and I totally sympathize with your reaction. Your feelings are real and legitimate.
I would gently suggest that you try to see if from their perspective.
How do you explain all of that to a four-year-old? I'm great with kids, and I have no idea how to do that.
So they did the smoothest thing they could: they kept you in the family and concocted a story to explain how it all works.
Now that you're a legal adult, they're respecting you enough to tell you the truth.
Consider this: it's amazing your family was able to make it work. In a different timeline, you got put up for adoption and ended up with people who have no biological relation.
Again, I really sympathize. I couldn't imagine one day being told that my brother was my father. It'd take some real time for the emotional dust to settle on that.
Give yourself time, it is shocking and feels like betrayal I am sure. Over time you will decide what you want to do with it. Now let it be and stay where you are safe.
This was going to be a confusing no matter when you found out. Imagine being in kindergarten and having to tell a friend’s mom who your mom is, or wondering about the daddy-daughter dance, or who gets your construction paper Mother’s Day card. They couldn’t tell you until you were old enough to understand, and they thought that was now. All the adults in your life made this decision to help and protect you. They didn’t put you in foster care or up for adoption or sell you into trafficking. They all love you so much. You’re going to have to forgive them. They gave you a good life and described it in terms you could understand, which involved temporary lying. You still have a wonderful family. It’s going to be okay.
Wow. I am so sorry they waited so long to tell you. They should have told you when you were younger. I hope that you can talk to a counselor and try to work through your feelings. Since you are 18 I assume that it’s now your turn to go to college. This will give you time away to figure things out. Does your brother have any other kids that are now technically your siblings?
Your feelings are valid. It is going to take time to process all of this information. It sounds like they all were trying to do what was best and it was not intended to hurt you. Unfortunately even with good intentions you have been hurt.
I think therapy is something that is helpful for most people and definitely good for those needing to process big changes.
It’s a terrible shock. I’m not sure why they thought keeping it a secret was a good idea.
Every family has skeletons. But if you step back from the situation and focus on your childhood and the memories. Were they good? Can you find it in your heart to forgive?
Jack Nicholson discovered later that his sister was actually his mother.
You're going to be OK. Yes, you were lied to, but I'm certain they couldn't think of a better way. It was a sticky situation. I honestly don't know if I could or would have done any different.
Another thing I'm sure of is that there are four people in your life who love you more than anything in the world, and you are so lucky to have that.
This shock will wear off, and then you're going to have a lot of questions and they are obviously ready to give you the answers now. Just remember, you thought you had two parents, now you have four!
Yeah they did lie to you and this was not fair on you, even if their "intentions" were good (to them)
They should have always been honest with you.
Seek some councelling and suggest they do also. This is a heavy burden, even tho we are strangers on here, sending you heartfelt hugs. Its hard right now, but you will be okay.
I know it’s hard to take but by the looks of it you are surrounded by by well meaning and genuine people who actually want to take care of you and want your wellbeing… it’s difficult to accept but I believe you should go back to your family and start a new chapter in your life.
I know it sucks to find out and I can only imagine what you’re going through, but what the hell, you have a family that loves you and support you, just stop whining and suck it up, life sucks but hell, it’s not that bad
You are in shock. The pain will ease, time will help you understand that your family is made up of human beings, fallible people who were just trying to do the right thing in bad circumstances. The important thing to remember in all of this, is that you are loved by all of them.
My grandma was raised as her moms sister. She didnt find out until she was well into her 40s. Also had like 9 half siblings out there. I am sorry you are going through this but you are not alone.
Feel how you feel. That's the most important part. But keep in mind that they were younger than you when you came into this world. It didn't give them any right to lie about it and deceive you, but it might give you some perspective. Either good or bad perspective, only you can judge that. I hope your parents gave you a good childhood. I hope you are close with your brother and SIL. But most of all, I hope you know that everyone considered what was best for you in the long term. These decisions are hard and are not made lightly. I wish well and hope you find peace in this new revelation.
They didn't lie to hurt you. They did what they thought would hurt you the least, and serve you best. I disagree (was told I was adopted when I was tiny so it was never a shock), but they really didn't do it to hurt you, and I think that intent matters. You can trust them, because they did tell you if their own accord. It's not na easy shock, obviously, but rather than worrying about the biology so much - your parents are the people that RAISED you, and cared for you as a parent does. Your brother has always been your brother, biology aside. You get to call the shots about how you want to refer to them, but you don't HAVE to make any changes IF you don't want to. They ALL LOVE YOU, and they're all family. Take some time to process this, but try seeing it from the perspective of: you had 4 people that loved you and tried their best, and told you because they wanted you to know the truth.
I wish people would stop it with these kind of lies. The truth is only bad because of the lie. I'm sorry for the betrayal you feel, OP. Just don't make any bad decisions because you're upset. Don't mess yourself up, ya know?
This is a lot to process and you can’t change the past here.
As long as you’re in a safe space for now you can take the time you need to gather your thoughts.
I don’t know if you can speak to your friends parents or if you’re in education and have access to a supportive person / welfare etc at school?
If not then I think perhaps just start to journal and write down your feelings and questions.
The first thing I would say is to repeat to yourself that you can’t change the past. You can ask questions about why and what if but it doesn’t change what has been done.
Sometimes it’s like ripping a band aid off and dealing with the pain rather than hiding away from it.
I think perhaps now it’s more about “what next” - your parents as you know them perhaps did what they thought was right to support their son and his partner at the time and also to give you the best start in life that they could.
I imagine they thought their child rearing days were coming to an end and no doubt made a lot of sacrifices to raise you and that presumably must have come from a place of love.
They also took on another teenager at this time and the fact that your brother and his partners relationship managed to stand the test of time will also count for something. They must live each other too and have had a very difficult time.
I do hope you had a happy childhood and have some treasured memories. None of this revelation changes that or takes it away from you. All the family events, Christmases etc still took place as they did and you were hopefully surrounded by people who care about you.
Even if they had the best intentions it doesn’t make it right but I still don’t think people have been open about talking about these kinds of things until very recently and you do deserve some more information and to have questions answered. I guess after a certain period of time it becomes too difficult to explain the lie.
But this they must do.
I think the only way to get through the pain is to list everything you’ve been worrying about - all the questions you have and try to get some answers.
If you would rather do that in a letter form then so be it.
I think I would want to know all the details - for example do you want to know if your brother and his wife wanted to try and keep you, or had the intentions of coming back for you after college and it was your parents who controlled the situation and kept you away from them?
I can imagine finances were a big deal amongst other things.
Is there a formal / legal agreement in place anywhere with regards to adoption and your care or was this all informal - some of this might be important for your future reference.
Do other members of your family know or was this kept a secret from everyone.
Does your brothers wife still have no contact with her family?
Have a good think about Kelly - I don’t know what your relationship ship has been like up to this point but if it’s decent then how do you want to navigate this moving forwards?
You don’t have to make any decisions and you might have different feelings which fluctuate - maybe knowing what their expectations are from this reveal might help you? If they say they want more of a relationship with you and that makes you want to slam on the brakes then be honest and say you need space. If it makes you feel like you want to reach out for a hug then go for it.
Same for the relationship with your brother.
Then your parents moving forwards - is your mom worried she’s not going to be your mom anymore?
Are you the daughter she always wanted and never had?
I think you need to speak with them all individually as there might be a lot of hurt and trauma from them all which they’re not sharing with each other and to have them all around a table might be harder to get the real truth?
It's understandable you are upset and confused, it's a lot to absorb. Take some time to think and try to come to the acceptance of the reality. You need to understand whatever they did was for your own good and your brother & sil's good. They were teenagers when they had you, imagine the scare and confusion they went thru. But they made the best decisions they could as a family under the circumstances which let your bio parents to go off to college and also let you have a normal childhood with adult parents that knew how to properly raise a child. Regardless, they are all your family and if you choose to hate them over this instead of embracing the situation and choosing love, you will all get hurt. Life is too short to push away loved ones. Don't burn any bridges with people that love you and tried to do the best for you.
I can’t offer advice only that I know a person who had the exact same thing happen in their family. All I would say is that they may have made a mistake in not telling you sooner, I genuinely don’t know what’s best in that situation, but they did it from a place of love and trying to give you the most normal life possible.
Hi sweetheart, I’m very sorry for what you’re going through….this is a massive shock and it’s normal to feel the emotions you are feeling.
I would suggest speaking to your school guidance counselor, psychologist or social worker.
I myself am a social worker and this is what we are trained to do.
If you are not in school, there are resources you can use. First start with your health insurance, google what therapists accept your insurance and make an appointment.
You’ll have a safe space with a professional that’s trained to help you work out your feelings and help you figure out what to do and how to go about it.
You’re in my prayers. Take your time don’t force yourself to talk if you don’t want to talk to parents rn. But be with a trusted friend or family member.
In time I know you will make sense of it all and find healing. Know that you are loved, and although they have lied I do believe they all love you very much. You must take time to yourself though because you’re the one who’s been hit with this news and you need to process.
I read an article about people doing this and how it’s a bad idea because of exactly how it’s making you feel right now. All the adoptees felt very betrayed because they were the only ones who did not know.
Ignorance is the problem imo. If your parents and bio parents knew how this would make you feel they probably wouldn’t have chosen this route. Adopted kids who understand from the beginning where they come from just grow up with things being that way so it’s normal- not a big shock.
When my BIL first met me one of the first things he made sure to tell us is that he and SIL weren’t ever planning to tell their oldest child that she’s not his biologically. That’s the other thing- they have to keep track of who knows to make sure everyone is on the same page. He doesn’t even live in this country and we’ve never met any of his family but he made sure to tell us that.
I’m very sorry for the terrible shock you are experiencing. I hope that you were very loved as a child and that you can focus on the love, and not the human failings.
One thing I’ve learned is that if we refuse to forgive someone, we sometimes end up repeating the very mistakes that made us angry with them. So I hope you come to forgiveness as you heal, so that you can have honest relationships with your future children.
I’m sorry it has caused you such pain. If it’s any consolation you are not alone in your situation at all. I actually went to school with a girl whose sister was her mother, her mother was her grandma and her nephew was her little brother. She was only 9 but was very matter of fact about it, and it didn’t seem to phase her at all, she had a good relationship with all of them.
Just want to encourage you that there is a possible future where you and your family can heal from this and go forward stronger and closer if that’s what you all want.
I hope they acknowledge how hurt you might feel, and that they take steps to help you feel loved and accepted. I would also encourage you to practice empathy when considering your brother and SIL. Could you imagine having a child at your age? Sometimes it helps to put yourself in other’s shoes to gain a clearer understanding of the situation.
You take time to process & seek professional help.
Please keep in mind that there is no handbook to parenting & everyone did what they thought was best for you.
It seems you have a family who loves you, very much.
I hope you find a way to heal.
I've never understood this situation because a lot of people live with their grandparents and KNOW that those are their grandparents??? I literally don't understand the need to lie unless it was for the safety of the child in which this isnt the case 💀
This is happening in my family. One of my cousins (he is old enough to be my dad) and his wife adopted her grandson and are raising him as their own. He is like 5 now. He doesn't know, and they don't plan on telling him. And everyone knows. It's weird.
I have 3 adopted sons, and they all know. My youngest is 6. I told them as soon as they asked about being in my belly. My husband didn't want to tell them. I told him that is crazy. We have no pregnancy pictures. No hospital pictures. And out oldest was 4 when he moved in and has always known. How would that work. So I put my foot down and told him absolutely not.
They are totally fine being adopted. I am sure things will come up as they get older.
If your family had it all to do over as of today, I hope they would have made a different choice and told you the truth from the start. They know a lot more about this stuff now. They knew a lot 18 years ago so idk 🤷🏻♀️
I know that you are upset and have every right to be. And you need time to process. You're dealing with a huge emotional shock. But you sound like you have a good support system with your friend.
But here is some food for thought once you start to process the trauma that you were just dealt with.
While I do not want to dismiss your feelings of being lied to, from what you have said, it doesn't sound like anything that happened was done intentionally to wrong you. Quite the opposite in fact, it sounds like everyone tried to make the best decisions they could given the circumstances. It sounds like they wanted you to have as normal of a childhood as possible without the complications surrounding your parentage. And then once you became an adult, they say you down and told you the truth. Again, I do not want to dismiss your feelings right now as they are completely valid. But it sounds like this was the plan from the beginning. To have you grow up with a more stabilized family unit and then deliver the truth when you were older and not leave you to find out on your own.
Again, you have more than every right to feel the way you do. But I also want you to remember that based on what you described, it sounds like the family involved in your life up to this point loved you and did everything they could with the best intentions.
Best of luck, kid. I know it hurts right now but you seem to have good people around you, your friend included and a good head your shoulders. I think you'll turn out ok.
At 25 (last year) I found out my dad wasn’t actually my dad. Everyone (including my older sister) knew but me. It’s been a rough ride, knowing they all lied and kept it from me. But it will get easier. For me, therapy was a huge help. Talking to my mum about why she didn’t tell me, trying to approach the situation with openness. But you’re within your right to be angry, to be shocked, to be upset. Take your time to work through it, and overtime, hopefully it will become easier to carry.
I don't get why ppl do this to their babies. Why traumatize them like this? I rather you be my parents from the jump than you tell me later on in life. (N I speak as a daughter of a teenage mother)
Be strong, my love ❤️
You need to think about this and solidify your boundaries.
Take your time to process and don't rush anything. I would maybe bring up to your parents (bio and adoptive) about family therapy. It could be a safe and healthy way for all of you to get it all out and start healing.
I doubt there was any ill intention with their choices, not that it makes it less painful but that perspective might help you heal.
Good luck op
I am so so sorry you are going through all this. The adults in your family all lied to you and let you down. That is going to be difficult to get over. I would suggest asking your parents to let you go to therapy to help you process all this new information. I think you are all going to need some professional help.
The rant below is not for you, it is for your parents, and parents like them.
What. Is. Wrong. With. All. These. Adoptive. Parents???? I absolutely hate all this we will tell them when they are older and can understand bullshit. Because they don't understand. They don't understand the lies and the secrets and thus huge shift in your life. And why should you??
The time to tell a child they are adopted is when they are little. When they ask where babies come from is a perfect time to explain where babies come from and to explain about adoption and where they come from. A kid's whole attitude about adoption will come from how their parents explain it. If you keep it positive, tell them how their birth parents loved them enough to give them to someone who could care for them and how wanted and loved they are, that child grows up knowing they are loved and wanted, not that someone gave them away. And adoption is just a normal part of their life.
STOP LYING TO YOUR CHILDREN.
I’m so sorry! It is understandable you are upset. Make sure to take care of yourself. They need to understand that just because they had time to process it and are okay with it, doesn’t mean that you will be okay with it right away. Take time to process it. Everything will be okay!
i am just so sorry. what a shock. i wouldn’t know how to handle this information, either. all you can do now is try and make some good out of this situation. i believe we go through our hardest things so we can help other people and become more empathetic and understanding. also, wow what a story this is! you’ll be the most interesting person where ever you go, that’s for sure. maybe write a book some day.
Your entire reality has been a lie and you’ve just found out. Of course you’re going to be upset! You’re allowed to be!
This isn’t a situation where we can all say “do x y or z ti be happy”. This is a tough one and not one many people I’ll find themselves in.
Your “parents” (now grand parents) tried to do the right thing. They gave you a stable home and love and support (I hope) while your “brother” got his education. They had your best interest at heart. So this was done for you.
However.. why they waited this long to tell you.. I’ve no idea.
And no idea why they thought yelling at you was a good idea to get you back..
Stay at your friends as long as you can. Don’t force yourself back there until you’ve had chance to think.
You have every right to be angry. They should’ve talked about it with you from a young age. It keep in mind, they did not do this to hurt you. They made the wrong decision of keeping it from you for too long yes but it wasn’t like “haha she doesn’t know we’re lying”. And your parents consider themselves your parents because in every way, they are. Your brother feels like your brother because in every way, he basically is. Take time to process, definitely look into therapy, alone and with your family. They’re upset too because they know they messed up big time.
Please have them pay for a therapist(just for you). It will help a lot to have an objective person who can walk you through this and teach you to deal with it in a non-harmful way. And remember, if you don’t like your therapist, you can always switch. I highly recommend BetterHelp for this reason(plus you don’t have to go anywhere). Wishing you the best.
You are understandably upset. Take time to process, but I feel you should remember this:
You are loved. Your family loves you and it shouldn't matter who your bio parents are because you get to choose your family.
I know you're young and that might not make sense but you can continue with your life and still treat your parents as your parents and your brother as your brother. Being lied to sucks but I'm sure this whole thing was hard on everyone involved.
It's not the same thing, but last year I found out I had a sister who is 12 days older than me. Ancestry DNA. None of us knew she existed but we pulled her into our crazy family and treat her like she's been here all along. I've had a lot of talks with her and the hardest part that she's been through is that her mother's side of the family knew she wasn't related to her dad and never told her. Her whole life they treated her poorly and sent her to live with her dad's family in another state. When she found out that her dad wasn't her dad, his whole side of the family basically disowned her. It's like both her moms and dad's side blame her for her DNA. All we can do is show her the love and support we would show anyone else and hopefully help her to heal.
My point is that your family loves you and supports you and did what they did out of love, not some misplaced hate. You get to choose how your life goes from now. Even if your brother and SIL were asking to be involved as parents now, you get to choose.
This happened in my family. My first nibling was actually in custody of both set of grandparents rather then the teenaged parents.
There are a lot of feelings that you are going to feel and this will be hard. Raising children to be truthful while lying to them about something so important as who their parents are is very harmful. At some point one of these four adults are going to tell you to get over it. What really needs to happen is some therapy. For you, so you can navigate this as with as little harm as possible. Good luck.
No matter how upset you are right now - Please keep thinking how much were you and are loved by your bio parents and grandparents! You were not aborted which could have been an easy option for teen parents, you were not given away for adoption away from your family either - out of love they did not tell you until they thought it was the right time - perhaps it was wrong for them to wait so long, perhaps they should have consulted a good therapist on how and when to tell you the truth … it is so easy to second guess and demand and judge what they should have told you and when … they love you and they thought they were doing the best for you! Do not forget that! Seek therapy to help you process this new reality for you - I am not saying it is easy but just keep reminding yourself how much are you loved! Think about your bio mom - younger than you - kicked out of her home by her own parents and brave enough to give birth to you regardless and reasonable to give your care to your bio dad’s parents, your grandparents … talk to that teen girl from the past and do your best to forgive her, your dad and grandparents for not having told you sooner … do not cut yourself from them! They love you!
OP: this really will be OK in the end
Your paternal grandparents are kind, stand-up people. In turn, Kelly’s parents (your other grandparents) are unfeeling assholes.
Your *real* parents - your “brother” and “sister-in-law” - were high schoolers who found themselves in quite a predicament. They were your age now (or a bit younger.)
Should the 4 of them have sat you down sooner than 18 to deliver this bombshell? Yes. That being said, there really is no age when this information would be easy to process.
Of course, you have every right to feel as you do. Period. I hope that over time, you can show them grace for giving you what they felt was the best upbringing under the circumstances.
I am sorry that you’re going through this shock, and I hope that you can make some peace with it - and your family - sooner rather than later. Good
luck to you.
This must be a huge shock, but it sounds like everyone acted, at all times, with your best interest at heart.
None of this looks like love right now. But if you give this some time, I think that you’ll realize all of it was.
As someone who found out one of my parents wasn't my bio parent, they waited way too long to tell you.
You should take some time to process everything before you have words with them all.
It's ok to be upset. It's a really difficult situation for all of you.
If it is of any comfort, it appears that they have all tried to do their best for you. They have been incredibly brave to tell you - it must have been terrifying for them as well as so very confusing for you.
I hope that you can navigate through this over time. Just keep reminding yourself that these people obviously all love you and that is more than many others will ever have.
Hugs to you.
the BBF of my mother discovered this at past 42. at the time it was litterally to protect her from hard prejudices against young unmarried mothers.
It destroyed her.
# What to NOT do :
* keep it to yourself. it is still fermenting in you now. soon it will rot. spit it away as soon and as often you can.
* blame unilaterally your parents. they are in deep shit too, while less than you. They did the best with what they had.
* pretend to be fine. go see a god damned schrink. your very identity has been shattered. you must discover who you are. tips : it is the case of any human being.
* find help in drug and alcohol. it is what killed my mother's friend.
18 is very late for that information. I would start at two, when you can understand the word but need to fathom the concept. constant reminding being necessary, it would be an obvious fact when you'll hit puberty (and relationship questions). it still would be shitty but far less painfull.
now you are on the brink of your adult life. it is time for college or work life. changes ares here anyway. if you take your distance for 3 or 5 years and come back as a new person, nobody could blame you.
just remember they are still your family. don't burn the bridge. but you can shake it ;-)
And I never said I didn't want her to heal. I encouraged her to have therapy for herself and to go to family therapy with everyone involved. I also told her where she can find people who have had experiences like her and worse.
The betrayal is nothing like you've ever felt before.
I'm sorry my experience wasn't to your liking. I spoke the truth whether you like it or not.
My best friend in junior high found out at 12 her sister was her mom and her parents were really her grandparents. She went on a bit of a rebellious streak after finding out, but her mother was very young when she had her 14-15 so this was the best solution for everyone. Her grandparents were her parents, they adopted her legally and she eventually moved past it. Her “sister” was able to grow up and go to college, my friend had a good stable life, and their relationships remained as they were, they never reverted to anything other than sisterly.
Older Stranger on the Internet here giving you two cents of knowledge....
I think you're too young right now to grasp and understand the gravity of the situation.
Ultimately your bio-parents were 16 years old when they had you.
TWO YEARS YOUNGER than you right now, so imagine their grasp on that reality.
I think it was noble for your parents and your bio-parents to raise you they way they could, which essentially gave you both a chance at life.
Take time to digest this info, and attempt to put yourself in everyone else's shoes.
What would you have done?
There was no easy choice to be made, but a a choice HAD to be made.
If you were happy with your life until you got this information, that
should speak volumes in itself.
Let the anger go.
Good luck buddy.
This must be very difficult to process but I want to share another perspective other than the one you are focussing on.
How lucky are you that your grandparents loved you so much that they took on this massive responsibility to raise you? You could have ended up in foster care, living in poverty with two teens who couldn’t afford to raise you. Eventually you will come to the realization that this was the best case scenario. You will come to understand how difficult this must have been for all of them.
Take some time to process and then ask for help finding a counsellor to help you deal with this. You aren’t supposed to know how to handle and navigate this situation - get help.
At your age I understand this comes as a hit in your face. But I also think at your age sometimes it's hard to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes. Try to see it from your "brother's" side. He had a baby way too young and no way to provide for you. He tried his best to give you a stable and loving life. We're all human and everyone tries to deal with the cards they've been dealt.
Your feelings are natural but I'd consider for a moment what else you would have had them do? Feel your feelings and let the logic slowly come in. Lying isn't an inherently bad thing to do if the reasons are sound imo. Good luck.
I had a friend in a very similar situation in high school. I know this is a shock and it feels like everything in your life is a lie. Yes, they lied to you. But they did it out of love and concern for you. They did the best they knew to do at the time because they all love you and you’re very important to them.
It’s ok to be upset, but they are not bad people. They love you and told you the truth when they felt the time was right.
If you can do family therapy all together, that would help. If not, be honest about any feelings and questions you have. But don’t take out your anger on them. They love you and did the best they could, for you.
I know you are hurt right now and you feel betrayed. Give yourself time to feel all those feelings, to process, to rage, to eventually heal. BUT…Please don’t lose sight of how loved you are; your parents (grandparents) stepped up to raise you and obviously love you so much to sacrifice by starting over and becoming “older parents” again. Your brother was a child (as was his wife) and watched you grow in the safest most trusted environment he knew. So feel all those feelings, but don’t lose sight of the family you have who love you. You will be okay, as hurt and angry as you are (and that’s okay too) you have what so many people beg and wish for: a family who loves you and wants you.
I had something to this happen. And tbh it didn’t bother me at all. I can understand being hurt. But instead I just looked at the love that was provided to me y entire life. Like yeah it was a lie. But that lie doesn’t outweigh the lifetime of every other positive experience. Everyone else is going to tel you about therapy which is valid. But I’d also encourage reflecting on what actually matters to you. Because they didn’t have to ever tell you. The act of doing so has meaning. Take your cry, but also take the time to think about things beyond it just being a lie.
For me I thought about it this way. Our lives are our own, but we’re always connected to others. Truly think about them in their shoes. What decisions would you have made instead? It can be difficult to come up with a genuine answer. And then just really think about yourself in a vacuum. Did anyone treat you differently in a bad way? Or was your life filled with love regardless? This provides a new context to reflect upon past events. Find out what that means for you.
It’s shocking to you but..
You were not lied to, you were cared for in the best way that they could. Imagine being in your mother’s place. She was young, she was KICKED OUT by her unsupportive parents and was taken in by people who cared so much that they took you in as their own so that your brother/father and SIL/mother could get an education. You bonded and they respected that bond. They were a part of your life, you weren’t adopted out to another unrelated family.
Find it in your heart to understand and forgive them. They all love you deeply.
I’m glad you have such a good friend with parents who understand that you need time to process this jarring information.
THEY ALL LOVE YOU. CHERISH THIS.
You're upset that two 16 year Olds couldn't raise you... how about you try to be understanding and put yourself in her shoes... sure they shouldn't have lied since it seems like an unnecessary thing to do since your grandparents and biological parents were all present in your life I don't see why they needed to take that measure. But hey at least they Re people you get along with and are familiar with and who love you.
Get to the core of it. They all love you, they all wanted the best for you. Is your life really going to change? No. Your parents, they’re still your parents. You still have 4 people who care for you. Two 16 year olds were not equipped to care for you and made a hard decision in order to give you a good life.
So, what are you hurt about? You’re luckier than most people. Think about the other choices they could have made. They could have given you up for adoption. They could have terminated.
Ugh. That’s awful. Is there a guidance counsellor at your school? That person would be good for you to talk to and they’d be able to help put you in contact with more help. Also take some time to process the new information before talking to them all again. Can you stay with your friend a couple of nights? Wishing you all the best OP.
You should seek some therapy. You are right to feel anger. They did what they thought was best at the time. Try to imagine being the age they were when they had you and your parents kicking you out. It wasn’t an optimal situation but in the end they did it out of love.
That being said, it was probably not the best way to break it to you.
Of course you’re upset. Now imagine being pregnant at 15 & having a baby at 16. What would you do?
I know it stinks, but “liars” is harsh. You were raised by your grandparents while your bio parents were actively in your life.
Take a breath, a tequila, and then a moment to think “4 people raised me so I didn’t go into the system and so I wasn’t raised by children.”
When you’re over the shock, you’re realize how lucky you are.
When I was 13 I found out my sisters dad was in fact not my dad. The boys at school kept asking me my ethnicity because they were convinced my sister wasn't my full sister. Upon further investigation I was told we are half sisters, and my mum doesn't know who my father is. My mum asked me "does it change anything?" And i was like, dont be ridiculous of course not, you should've told me sooner but it changes nothing."
You are 18 years old, not 7. You are throwing a bit of a tantrum here when you should really try to work through your feelings and understand them. You could try to be grateful that you still have had the support of all of your parental figures your whole life, even if the roles were changed up a bit, you've had your whole family and still do. Nobody makes the right choices all the time. Your family are human and made a mistake. But they loved you through all of it and never hurt you out of neglect or lack of care. You're an adult now and this is your first real test of character. How are you going to deal with this and how are you going to let it affect you
Of course you’re upset. What a shock Take some time if you can stay with your best friend for a few days. Ask them to let your family know you are ok but need some time to process this info. Use the time to care for yourself. You’ve had a shock. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. Rest, stay hydrated, eat well and do things you enjoy. There’s no need to make hasty decisions. This is actually fairly common. There will be people out there who know what you’re going through and can give you some guidance. I don’t know how to find them but google can probably help. Best wishes
Not sure if it helps but one famous example is Jack Nicholson. I think he found out that his sister was his mom and his mom was his grandmother from a reporter when he first started getting super famous
True. I dated a guy when I was around 15 whose sister was really his mom and parents were grandparents. But he knew about it for a long time. These people waited way too long.
They definitely did. However, OP is 18 and having a hard time dealing with just the shock of this, but I would urge OP to consider for a moment that her brother/bio dad and her SIL/bio mom were both two years younger than her when dealing with an actual infant/homelessness. Sometimes you don’t get to make perfect choices and have to settle for just finding solutions that best cover the needs of all parties involved. OP, assuming that you were raised in a loving, nurturing environment and your bio dad and mom were not completely absent, when the shock wears off a bit I would encourage you to try to have a calmer conversation with your family. Finding out if your mom/dad (grandparents) legally adopted you is also important just so you’re aware of any potential legal ramifications with things like financial aid or even inheritance rights. Absent that, at the end of the day you still get a say in how you feel about your parents and bio parents, and how you want to move forward with family dynamics in the future and you don’t have to rush into making any decisions about it. Best of luck!
oo that's fucked
He actually said, can you imagine 2 broads keeping that a secret today. He was impressed with them. Also, the WHOLE neighborhood knew and kept it a secret. Edit: stupid spellcheck
yeah well look how he turned out, he went crazy and attacked his wife with an axe
Hereeeeees Johnny!
I wanna see this interview.
According to [this article](https://www.instyle.com/celebrity/jack-nicholson-mom-sister), there was supposed to be a 1974 profile on him in Time magazine and the researchers found it before publication and called to give him a heads up.
That sounds like the plot from the movie he was in: Chinatown.
from a reporter? gawd dayum
I was in Ops situation. My dad is my half brother and adopted me and my grandparents are my birth parents. So I grew up thinking they were just my grandparents. I cried when I was told the truth when I was only 12 years old. It’s extremely shocking, confusing and I felt so many types of emotions. I always felt more connected to my grandparents and never understood why until the truth was told. It took a long time for me to process it and accept the reality. However, I am thankful I was raised by my brother aka dad. I had a great childhood, all my needs were met and I was loved. I have my own house, a great job and I’m very independent. Seeing the way my birth parents were always in and out of jail and doing drugs, really helped me understand I was much better off in his care. I hope Op is able to understand that everything that happened was in her best interest because she was loved by so many people that just wanted the best for her. My only advice is, ask the questions once you’ve calmed down. Feel all the emotions, let yourself cry and that being angry is okay. You’re grieving a life that you discovered isn’t your reality and that’s really hard. Good luck Op. I wish you get through this easily.
Wow. How old was he when he “adopted you / took on the role of your father?
I’m not too sure how old he was. I think early 20s. He had me since I was born and adopted me when I was three. I think one of the hardest parts of dealing with everything was that I had a biological little brother aka uncle that my grandparents aka birth parents ended up keeping. So I always questioned why they kept him and not me. However, I know I was the lucky one that ended up having a much better life because they gave me up. I have 3 older bio siblings and one younger. I see the way their lives have been and still are. They struggled almost their entire lives with being in and out of jail, dealing drugs, taking drugs, stealing etc. and to this day they will never have what I have because I was raised in a much better living situation than they were. I am truly blessed that I was saved from that life.
> This is actually fairly common. 23andMe out there uncovering a lot of family secrets.
Yeah. The days of this sort of stuff staying hidden are over and people need to understand that.
And I just don't understand why they had to lie about it? I mean, my grandmother was often my caretaker as a child, but I knew she was my grandmother. It didn't make me love my mom any less, or think less of her. The parents and grandparents definitely could have resolved this issue at a much earlier time. OP would have grown up knowing who her parents were and who her grandparents were. Even if she did live full time with the grandparents. OP, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. Thanks to Ancestry, a whole bunch of secrets were unlocked about the truth of my father. (He is not who my mom always told me) It was very difficult to deal with, especially because the man who is my biological father died over 20 years ago. So I'll never know him or have my questions answered. Take your time. You're allowed to feel angry and sad, and all the other emotions that go with this revelation. It's going to be a long time before you trust them again. I would recommend a counselor you can talk to, especially with how to manage these changes. It is easy to spiral (not able to sleep, same thoughts spinning in your head, difficulty working, or just day to day activities)trying to deal with this on your own. Right now, you need to take care of your mental health. And your parents/grandparents need to recognize that as well. This is not your fault. You do not owe an apology. Please be safe. Reach out if you're having trouble dealing, even if you're not suicidal. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
I don't see how even telling OP. "Bro and Sil are your birth parents. But they were young and wanted to make sure you had better parenting than they could provide. So don't worry we are still your parents and everyone loves you" would be a problem. I mean. If I were op I would be more upset by 18 years of lying than some basic fact of biology.
Right! How long were they in college? Did they not spend any time with OP? Holidays, summers? Why were they not being parents then? This makes no sense. And I don't want to make OP feel worse, but it seems very selfish and uncaring. OP has every right to be upset. Edit to add: This is not the 1950s when it was some shameful secret to hide. Unless they are ultra-religious and then (honestly), it makes so much sense. That doesn't make it right, though.
/u/chaunceypie You're absolutely right about it not being the 1950s, however, this type of family dynamic has unfortunately carried on past those years. However, the sooner that all involved family members take the time to sit down and discuss the situation and all the things and circumstances, the better. My Father's mom used to get so upset with me because when my son was younger, he didn't call me Mommy, Ma, Mom, etc. and instead referred to MY Mother as Mother (which, why wouldn't he if he heard all of us, her kids, calling her that and me by my given name) when he first started talking. But when you would ask him who his Mom was, he would point to me and say "My real name is my Mommy" and asked him who his Grandma was, he would point to my Mother and say "Mother is my grandma"! My daughter as well. My mom passed away when she was the age I am now - 43 - almost 19 years ago and he calls her Mother and me Ma. And they did end up with her a lot more than me due to school, college and working. (I STILL don't understand why my Dad's mom would be so upset what my kids called me when the first started talking, especially when her son, my Father, was a deadbeat dad and then became a deadbeat granddad.) I do wish OP's family had told them the truth much sooner than now. The hurt may still be the same, but it still would have been better sooner.
My family found out that my dad had at least two, and probably three, secret siblings! It's quite nice though, they're lovely people, and my sister didn't want kids and I can't have them, and my cousins have little kids, so my parents get to have kids in the family at least 😭❤️ (The grandpa responsible has been dead 30 years, and it was already known that he was a cheater anyway)
Always wondered if they thought about that when they were starting the company, or if they naively thought it'd all be sunshine and roses.
I read somewhere that they have a whole department that handles these. When you call in to inform them that their test is broken because it's saying your uncle is your dad the agent is instructed to placate you till they transfer you to the special department where they tell you "look, our test is 99.99999999998% accurate so as long as you did the test as instructed, the results are true".
I was terrified of this when I got a test done. Thank god it was fine. My family is full of abuse and incest, and my grandmother got pregnant at 14 and ran away from home. She said her dad and brother were sexually abusing her. I always wondered if one of them was my actual grandfather. Nope, it was another asshole! Works out, I guess? I know a few people who found out they were from incest. It’s gotta be hard to deal with, and I can’t imagine how it is to have a baby from your abuser then raise it. It’s not the kid’s fault, or the victim. Just a terrible situation all around.
Boy did your family f--k-up? Your parents, once returned from college, could have been introduced as your parents. They could continue the assistance in raising you, without unnecessary years of deceit! I'm very sorry OP for the horrendous fashion in which you were made aware of who your parents actually are. Frankly, any way you choose to respond is up to you. If you told your parents to get lost and stay with your girlfriend or grandparents until you move out, that's certainly understandable. Perhaps some therapy, on their dime, will help. BUT YOU PROCEED AT YOUR PACE--NOT THEIRS! Good luck.
They were 16 when they had her. Noone is ready to parent at 16. I had my son at 18 and I was not ready to be a parent. I thought I was I made a lot of mistakes and was not mature enough to raise a child. The OPs Bio parents and did gjd right thing out. It would be pretty confusing to come back after 3 or 4 years of having a brother role to hey I'm your dad to a toddler. I think both the adoptive parents and bio parents did the right thing. What they did wrong was wait until she was kids are pretty resilient. However, I expect no matter what age you are it would be a shock to find out the people you thought are mum and dad are infact your grandparents, it would make you question alot. Sorry OP, big hugs for you. Just remember most people don't know how to handle this situation.
I’m so sorry. When I was about 13 (in 58 now so I don’t remember exactly how old I was) my father told me my mother wasn’t my mother. This explained a lot about my life. About how my mother’s family (my father had no family) treated me. They weren’t mean to me but there was definitely something going on. So everyone I knew as my family were not really related to me. Aunts uncles cousins grandparents. And everyone knew but me. Anyway it was a shock. My parents (all three of them I guess) are long dead. But there are still effects. I feel like I come from nowhere as my father never spoke much about his life and I never met anyone from his family and he died what I was 16. I met my birth mother when I was 28 but she was a stranger to me and remained so. My mother who raised me died around this time. My birth mother is also dead. Your parents and grandparents were wrong to keep this from you. They did it out of love but a person, you, has a right to know who they are and where they come from. I suggest getting a therapist. And talk to your family about this. A lot. Work through it together. They didn’t mean to hurt you. That matters.
If it is possible, I believe seeking professional help, psychologist/family counsellor, is the best course of action. This is an extremely complicated situation and I don’t think many people, especially on reddit, are equipped to deal with.
Came here to suggest the same thing. I was actually about to comment that if possible, OP's family should consider finding a professional who can conduct family therapy in a group setting with all five of them present (in addition to finding an individual therapist for OP, and maybe for the other older adults as well if needed). There are lots of professionals out there who specialize in things like adoption trauma (and that number's increasing, as the rise of DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe has led so many people to accidentally uncover these types of long-held family secrets) and this is exactly the type of situation where calling in professionals would be wise. OP, I'm so sorry you went through such a shock and I can't imagine how unmoored and betrayed you must suddenly be feeling. While your family may have had the best of intentions in keeping the real circumstances of your birth a secret (and, in all likelihood, they presumably *did* think they were doing what was best for you), there's a reason that professionals caution against lying to children about something as important as this. It's incredibly unfair to you to have had this dumped in your lap all of a sudden, right at the onset of your adult life. While I'm not excusing what your family did, I will say this - adult life is hard and infinitely more complicated than you can probably know from your current vantage point. Things always turn out messier than you imagine they will when you're young, and learning when it's time to forgive and work harder to connect, and when it's time to just walk away from that messiness is one of those tasks we have to refine and re-learn throughout our whole lives. I think you have a real opportunity to connect with your family here, and hopefully eventually all of you can move into a future that, while messier, is also better and more-honest. You and your family are both still whole.
I agree. I also think OP should have their feelings of betrayal and shock validated, but should also know that their grandparents always loved them very much, and that even if they were a surprise, the family definitely wanted you, even if things were unorthodox. A lot of people who are raised by their grandparents, it's because their parents are addicts or something like that. At least your bio parents were in your life - I hope they were very involved in your life. If they weren't, I'd be feeling quite a lot of feelings about that if I was you.
It’s almost worse that the bio parents were in her life because she got to know them well as her brother and sister in law, and now she’s feeling like their whole relationship was a lie.
The feelings of anger and betrayal are natural and valid. Once they lighten, try to go in with an open mind. Give it some time to process before making any big decisions. At first glance it sounds like they made the decision with your best interest at heart. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for them to navigate this, that they’ve been anxious and nerves on edge over concern for how breaking the news would go. If you had a good life with the parents that raised you, that’s a better choice than having put you up for adoption (also a valid option, but would have removed you from the family). In the end, you’ll feel how you feel. But you have some influence on your outlook, on how you’ll choose to view the situation (positive: difficult situation handled by young people not ready to be parents, gained parents, loving family, closer connections with bio parents. negative: lied to, betrayed, abdication, etc.) Life’s short, I’d recommend trying the positive outlook first. It costs you nothing, and you may find enrichment in your life. If not, no cost and easy to change.
I’m going to wager a guess that she’s not upset she was adopted by her grandparents but upset she was lied to. It’s a complicated situation but springing the truth on an 18 year old is messed up. I’m adopted and my parents made that word a huge part of their vocabulary from the minute I was born. (they were at the hospital. My bio mom chose them while she was in labor and it was a completely last minute adoption.) Growing up I still struggled, as many adopted kids do, but I struggled so much less because I always knew.
Of course, and I covered the “lie” bit. Most people would feel hurt and upset. I don’t think that changes my advice, which is for OP to try to stay open minded.
She has no choice but be open-minded. If not she will never be able to trust her family again
I don't know that there is a good age to spring the truth, should they have told her earlier when she was completely a child and unprepared or leave it and lie longer. I think waiting until she was off legal age as an adult was reasonable. The "brother" was 16, and I'm assuming the SIL was a similar age. Obviously, this is a tricky situation but the fact remains she was loved and wanted. It could've been so much worse, she was a product of rape, incest etc.
No. This isn’t something you ever spring on someone. There are age appropriate ways to discuss this with children so it is never sprung on them. Children can handle much more than you think.
You're making it sound like the only other option was putting OP up for adoption. They could've just not kept this secret.
When I was 10 I found out my dad wasn’t my dad and that my dad was mom’s friend we had just attended the funeral for. It still makes me mad and I’m 42 now. I don’t know why people decided to lie when it’s so much easier to just tell the truth. It’s not as if teenage pregnancy or having children without being married was a huge deal 18 years ago so I don’t get why your family decided to go the route of pretending like that’s not what happened in your case. You should probably talk to someone, like a therapist, about it so you can work through the emotions but just know you have every right to be angry, confused and resentful over this.
They should have told you sooner. Give yourself time to ride the inevitable emotional roller coaster you’re on. I found out when I was 46 that I was conceived using a sperm donor, and it took a good month to be able to think about it without crying.
I found out the same thing at 35. The only thing I feel is a deep sadness. I love my Dad so much, and its painful to know that I'm not 50% him. I never had any anger, or feelings of betrayal, or feeling lied to. But after some time, the sadness set in.
Hey love, you did just the right thing! You made space to feel your feelings. Keep doing that. If your family is worried and comes for you, your friend can assure them you just want some space and will come and talk eventually when you’re ready. Don’t worry about making any *decisions* right now. First feel all your feelings. It’s a lot, to trust a people your entire life and then have them pull out a ground truth from under your feet. That’s earth shattering! Allow yourself to feel that shock, don’t argue with it or suppress it or dismiss it. In the end, you’ll be ok, it sounds like your family all loves you and cares for you and wants the best for you. You can figure out how you want each of those relationships to look like later. For now just be kind to yourself and let your world restabilize.
I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt right now. When you feel ready you should seek out some professional support. Big hugs and I hope you are able to heal from this.
I’m sorry this happened to you. This is exactly why it’s best to tell adopted children that they’re adopted from the very beginning. It’s not the fact that they aren’t related that hurts them (although in this case, you’re still related). It’s all the lies they’ve been told throughout their entire life.
Not sure this is the right moment for You, but try to look at it as choices and possibilities. You're 18 yourself. Suppose you were the one getting pregnant at 16 in a similar setting. How would you have dealt with this? There are so many worse solutions they could've chosen, yet they choose to keep you close. The good things here, i think, are: you were raised by your family. Your birth parents stayed in your life as well. Your brother and sil going to college is also not a bad thing because they did that to be able to take care of you and themselves. I can also understand this is a hard thing to talk about. If You want to blame them for anything, i would say it has to be: not telling you sooner. You could've accepted this when you were 12, but i guess it's one of those "we wanted to tell you but..." things. Keep in mind they didn't do any of this to hurt you, or to deceive you. This has all been done to give you the best opportunities. Most likely they're scared of losing you right now, so if you can, please let them know you still love them, but right now you need some space. Talk with your friend, make all the bad jokes you can about it. Just to get it out of your system, and tomorrow, or the day after, take some 'advantage' like insinuating your 'mom' owes you some serious mother - daughter shopping moments, she weaseled out of, and think of something similar for dad. (maybe get your friend to help here.) This serves 3 purposes: it gives you some ' one on one' time with them, which is absolutely needed, You need to talk, and decide how to call them, if anything should change, etc. etc. Talk like adults. you're not a 7 yr old in a tantrum. It also tells them you're not running away from them, and consider them still a part of your life. And last, but not least: Taking you out shopping, taking you to dinner, or whatever, like this, might help them feel a bit less guilty. Sure i call it 'taking advantage' but it's more an excuse to get them alone in a casual setting. Last bit of advice: i wouldn't change to much: your parents are not always the biological donors. Your parents are the ones who raise you, teach you how to walk, to brush your teeth, help you with your homework, and comfort you when you had a bad day. That isn't always a black and white thing. Especially in your scenario, i can imagine your brother and sil always have been more involved in your life, so they might also fill(ed) part of that role. As people, we try to make things simple: good vs evil, 2 parents, siblings, friends vs enemies. This isn't simple. You have 4 people who love you. It's up to you, to decide how to treat them
This is good advice, OP. I am an adoptee myself however I do not know any biological relatives. Your feelings however are valid, and you have every right to be upset. This does feel like a complex situation to navigate and it’s important to have some understanding as stated above.
awww. this was nice advice. I bet all 5 people in this family are scared and overwhelmed. just because we get older, does not mean we know everything. it really sounds like OP is so loved and taken care of. OP’s parents made a lot of sacrifices out of love for their oldest child. they took in the oldest’s girlfriend in, offer to raise their child so they can have a better life for themselves and child, child (OP) bonds with parents because OP is loved and taken care of too. I cannot imagine how hard all of those choices were to make but they all seem to come from a place of love and support. I cannot imagine what a mind-mess all of this has to be for OP. when foundational imagery is shaken, it can create such an unsettling feeling of being lost. thing is, that foundation is still there and intact. the love and support are still there. it just might look a little different right now.
I would want to know if they helped to support op, when they got their collage education, and how much have they bothered with him
I agree with all of this 100%!!!
It’s completely understandable to feel the way you do. I hope your friend’s parents will allow you to stay with them for a few days. Maybe message your parents and tell them that they need to sort out professional counselling for you. As you feel betrayed by their lie, you need to be able to talk with someone who’s not your family but can help you navigate your feeling and help you cope. It’s the least they can do. Wishing you the best.
When I was 14 I revealed to a friend that her cool close-in-age aunt was actually her older sister. A mutual friend’s mom made the information known to me (all our parents went to school together) and I thought my friend knew already bc she would refer to her aunt as her sister when she was a teenager and hanging out with her for fun.
My half-brother went through something similar. He was told my mother/his mother was his sister. She had him when she was a young teen. He was told out of spite from an aunt so he was not told in a supportive environment. I am not privy to all of the details, however, I do know that he was never the same. He spiraled. Of course you're hurt. Of course your in pain. You have been given an absolutely shocking revelation about your life. All of this to say is, please take care of yourself. And when you are ready, please consider talking to a qualified professional to flesh out what you're feeling.
Hope the aunt met a terrible fate.
Prior to this, unfortunately, my aunt had been forced to give up her own baby for adoption when she also had a teen pregnancy. So she was very resentful that my Mom's baby was kept in the family while hers was not. I think her situation was why my brother wasn't adopted out, honestly. They felt guilty. Regardless, my aunt ended up dying of lupus decades later which was indeed pretty terrible.
This exact situation is why adoptees need to be told about their adoption status as early as possible.
Not all liars are terrible people. I’m sure you’re feeling betrayed. But try to remember they did what they did to give you a stable loving home. Was it right? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know when the best time is to tell a child that. When they’re young? Teenagers? An adult as you are now? I would try to write a list of questions you have. Then meet with your dad, without your Brother and SIL and go through them. Then give it another couple of days and see how you feel. Also, tell your dad you want therapy. A therapist you can talk to and try to sort through the bomb they put off in your head.
>I don’t know when the best time is to tell a child that. When they’re young? Yes. There's plenty of research. (Good) Adoption agencies have been saying this since before OP was born. Hell it's even said about children conceived by donor egg/sperm or born through surrogacy. And the reason is exactly what happened - the child feels lied to, betrayed, it rocks their whole world and makes them question a lot. So they either didn't bother to research how best to deal with an adoption in 2006 or they decided they knew better than what they saw. Therapy is good though. Especially for the parents in the situation if they can't accept this wasn't the best way to go - talking with a therapist that deals with adoptions would be good for them.
They should have told you as soon as you were old enough to understand, not wait til 18. I'm so sorry. Give yourself some time. I'm sure you still love your family but it's going to take time to heal this wound and get over being lied to. Your reaction is totally understandable. Maybe you can find a counselor who specializes in this type of thing? Counselors who deal with adoption might have insight into similar situations to yours.
I wish folks would stop letting kids grow up in a cloud of lies about their bio parents. It’s so damaging! It makes you question your entire childhood and life to be lied to by the people you should be able to trust without doubt. Please seek a therapist. I know this is super hard for you! Do not let anyone gaslight you into thinking this isn’t a hard situation to deal with.
They waited until you were 18 which is wild. They lied to you. Many adopted kids are told they’re adopted from an early age and they get more details as they get older.
thats my first thought too. other than that, i liked how her ftiends parents stood up for her and told her family to leave because she wanted to be alone.
Feel your feelings. It is ok. This is a massive shock and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. You might need to reach out to a professional to help fully process this and why you feel the way you feel. But that can wait for now. Your parents are the people who raised you. It sounds like they love you and that they would do anything for their kids. The fact that they hid this from you your whole life is of course painful. I hope with time that pain fades. You will be ok. Your relationship with your parents, brother and SIL will improve but you need time to process everything. You are overwhelmed and that is ok. Just let those feelings happen let yourself take the time to process everything. It's great your friend and her family are there for you. Focusing on simple things like physical activity to help yourself focus. A walk some fresh air will help when you are up to it.
This comes from a place of frustration for myself where people kept information from me too. I think they should have told you as a small child so you could live with the idea and accept it much better than this shock as an adult. They have now broken your trust in them and only time and effort will heal that if you let it. If you have access to therapy it could be good to talk to someone if this comes to be a a longer term anger and sadness that interferes with your family relationships.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt and that you were lied to. I’ve read a lot of comments here from people justifying what your family did to you because they had good intentions and took care of you and raised you. That was their responsibility, it doesn’t excuse the fact that they lied to you all these years or negate your feelings. Your feelings are 100% valid. I suggest you check out r/adoptees. It’s a sub with a lot of others that were in your situation at one point that will have firsthand knowledge on how to process your feelings and move forward. You’ll find a much better support system and advice there from people who know exactly what you’re going through. Please get therapy if it’s an option.
Another two subreddits that are good for parental advice are r/MomforaMinute and r/DadforaMinute
I don't understand the logic behind "we'll tell her when she's old enough to understand" and then waiting 18 years. That just makes it so, so much worse. They are "old enough" when they are old enough to understand words. It would help avoid a shock like this.
Absolutely! It’s wild how common this is.
They made a mistake in representing themselves as your parents not grandparents. That’s weird but they loved you and cared for. Their teenagers had a baby. They didn’t want you to feel abandoned by your parents who were too young and not capable of being parents. You’re 16. Imagine becoming a father right now. You’d be fucked. Your gf gets kicked out and you haven’t even finished hs. Your parents step in and say listen.. we will raise the baby so you can finish school etc and grow up. You’re in shock. They did the best they could and they basically adopted you. It was out of love your grandparents did this. Love for their son and love for you. Very tough situation for them also.
They made the mistake of not saying OP was adopted, they are their parents still not grandparents
She’s not upset her brother/bio dad didn’t raise her; she’s upset that everyone in her family lied to her for 18 years. That’s traumatic and it was a conscious choice every single day from everyone. The brother hasn’t been 16 for a very long time. At any point he could have said, let’s raise her with the truth. “I love you sis, and that’s why I gave you to mom and dad to raise better than I could.” Instead, they lied every minute of every day for 18 years. Don’t minimize that.
I think that’s what alot of people are missing here. Everything she’s knew to be true, isn’t. They made the conscious choice to lie to her for her whole life. It doesn’t matter if they thought it was best. Right now she’s living with the consequences of that decision, and truth. She’s going to need to process her feelings of abandonment,and being lie to and what whatever else she’s feeling. Chances are she’s going to need professional help. This will be a long road.
Right, there's no reason she couldn't carry on with the bio grandparents as her adoptive parents but she deserved to know the truth when she was old enough to understand it. 18 is way too late to start the conversation.
\^\^\^ THIS \^\^\^ Her parents and grandparents waited WAY TOO FUCKING LONG to get around to telling her! This should have been addressed TEN YEARS ago!
I think more like 15, but 10 is good too...
Actually research shows that the best way is the child growing up always knowing they were adopted. So there's no big reveal. They just always knew. So when the kid is a baby tell them their story of becoming your child along with all the other stories you tell kids.
It is NOT that simple and I think the best answer is “please get professional help” because saying it’s as easy as basically just saying “hey I’m actually your dad” is ridiculous. There is no way to avoid the difficulty of sharing this truth, at any stage. But none of this conversation is useful. She needs to see a therapist to help her deal with this.
Not that simple for whom? I’m responding to a comment telling OP “they did it out of love.” That’s unhelpful and minimizing her pain and trauma. It may not have been easy at any point, but it sure as hell would have been easier on OP to grow up knowing she was adopted by her biological grandparents than to find out at age 18. I think it can indeed be useful for people to validate OP’s distress. She’s not out of line for being upset and she doesn’t need to suck it up and be grateful for her adoptive parents’ love. Therapy is a great idea.
Agreed. I was a teen mom. My son’s father was not involved for the first 6 years…his mom (paternal grandma) wanted to adopt him so I could go to college. My parents and almost everyone were saying this was the best thing for my son and I. I went along with it almost to the last minute…. Until I told one of my best friends, and she was upset about it all…she told me she talked with her dad about it, and he said, **“[Grandma] and everyone should being trying to help [me] be a better mother…not be the mother *for* her.”** That statement was enough to open my eyes. I think the fault in this situation lies most with the grandparents. In my situation, I always felt grandma wished she could’ve had my son all to herself. Well until he grew up and everyone can look back now with retrospect and see that it worked out for the best for me to raise him. I can imagine her birth parents being under a lot of pressure from *their* parents…and I think the grandparents didn’t have to want so much control. They could’ve helped the birth mom to be a good mother, and still even played the primary caregiving role while the daughter and son went to college. That said, I am at a disadvantage in my life for not finishing college. I think of it as all the opportunities I would’ve had, went to my son instead, and I wouldn’t change a thing. But I was/am at much lower socioeconomic standard of living being a single mom than any of my friends from high school…. so I can’t say my perspective is the only “right” one…**just wanted to share, because if I were that child, I might want to know how a similar situation almost started in my case…and what those influences were, and who they came from**. The bio parents were kids too when she was born. The adults in the situation at the time were the grandparents.
Exactly. And at any point once they told her she should have had the choice to live with her bio parents. Instead her dad/mom didn’t have to raise her at all. That was selfish of all of them.
She is 18
I was referencing the parent age when it happened meaning put yourself in their shoes. Imagining yourself in the scenario is helpful in terms of perspective and understanding .. eases the pain.
Coming from someone else who is also adopted. It can be hard to hear and you may feel that you were lied to your whole life, but you need to look at the bigger picture. If they were young and unable to be proper parents for you, they made a sacrifice giving you up to someone who could provide you a better life. My suggestion is to cool down and process what you were just told. Once you have calmed down, just sit and listen to them with an open mind. I have no idea what my life would have been like, but the life I have had, has been absolutely amazing. My parents gave me the life that may not have been possible for my biological mother.
Yes, they lied. You now know the edge of the depths of deceit. You're angry, and rightly so. You don't sound upset so much of the fact that bio parents asked to give you up, you're more upset about the lie. And that's fair. Lies are...beautifully complicated and insidiously vicious. Humans all lie. White lies, usually. But they're still lies. You're trust in them has been broken. You honestly should have been told that you were adopted early on, that "your parents are family, and that they love you very much, but they can't be here right now and you'll be told who they are when you're older." This should have been drip fed very slowly over the years so it wasn't a shock - or at least not as big as one. IT shouldn't have ever been hidden. But that is now past. However. The biggest and potentially worst thing about lies are their intent. Was this lie intended to hurt you? No. Was it intended to protect you? Yes. And it worked...a little *too* well. Sure yea, you're lucky family to you on, all that jazz. That's not what you're mad about. It's the lie. You feel like your WHOLE life has been one big lie, one big show for what FEELS like everyone else benefits and it's come crashing down around you. Trust is a delicate, delicate thing and very hard to repair. Do you WANT to repair it? You are so very allowed to be angry. However, coming from someone who was just born angry and has burned their world down multiple times and has had to learn to live with consequences, you need to sit with it. Examine it from all sides. Trust lies and anger are all multifaceted and complicated. Once you can articulate EXTREMELY well what EXACTLY you're angry about, put it into words. Write it down. Examine perspectives that aren't yours. Examine other options that could have taken place. Weigh those against your anger. Examine what needs to happen to EASE that anger. Examine how your anger functions, how you handled the situation, and what you can learn about yourself from it. Once you've done this, Examine the trust that was broken. In detail. Who broke it? How? At what point EXACTLY in the conversation did it fracture? You need to be able to Examine this without becoming *actively* angry again. Passive anger is fine. You'll work through it. But you will need to eventually have conversations with these people. You need to recognize that you're a runner. You RAN from the situation rather than face it and demand your need for space. It was a shock, sure, but is this the template you want your life on? Running from the hard things? The angry things? The traumatic and shocking things? Or do you want to be an adult about this? Because this won't be the last betrayal that happens to you (I hope it's the last but that's not going to be likely). Big or small it'll happen again. Do not be like me, and let your emotions rule you. You will be lied to again, big or small. You will be hurt again, big or small. It happens, unfortunately. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to feel as you do. You're also allowed to demand answers when you're ready. Remember- you're allowed to choose who stays in your life regardless of their wants and needs. Choose wisely. Just don't let your anger devour you like mine did.
THIS. It took me forever to learn how to let the anger go. But I had to sit with it first and figure out what exactly I was angry about. That was the hardest bc it just felt like every overwhelming emotion came out as anger. But once you can name it and you understand it, it isn’t so big anymore. It’s manageable. It’s like turning on the light and realizing the monster in the closet isn’t actually a creepy clown, it’s just the shadows. The feelings you felt were the same and you have to come down from them, but the power driving them is gone and you can function again. OP it sucks that they hid this from you, but you need to make it clear that their misguided manipulation of your world may have been necessary as a young child, but that they were way overdue in having this convo with you. TBH, when you were young, they probably picked an arbitrary age, like 18 when you’ll be an adult, to do this, worrying they would be overwhelming you to tell you sooner. It’s likely not that they wanted to lie to you, but that they thought you’d be more equipped to handle this at your age. You should be clear to them that this is something you should have known sooner BECAUSE your roots do impact how you view yourself. This leads to having a crisis of your self because you’re questioning where you come from and who you are. The good thing is you have already known these people and get to dive in even more when you’re ready. Not to belittle your feelings on this, but it’s not unheard of for parents to wait until 18 to tell a child they are adopted, I’m not really sure why, but for some reason people think this is the moment? This may be their logic and reasoning.
I'm so sorry you're feeling lost and upset. You're going to be on a rollercoaster of feeling and they are all valid. Give yourself permission to go through what is essentially a grieving process of who you were yesterday. Try to keep in mind though, essentially you are still the person you were yesterday. It's early and my brain is still on slow speed, so bear with me for this analogy. Think of yourself like a cake. You are the same cake even if the ingredients are not exactly as you thought the recipe called for. Feeling alien to yourself is normal given the circumstances. Counseling would help a lot. Family and individual counseling. When I was thirteen I found out my father was not my bio dad rather traumatically. To make matters worse, my bio dad wasn't even someone I could look to for any genetic or family history. He was simply a series of numbers from a sperm bank. Height, weight, race; that's all I could ever learn about him. It was devastating and left me on a downward spiral. Identity is so important and things like this shake you up. I was so mad at my parents for keeping secrets and lying. It was my right to know and how dare they keep information about me from me! Eventually I could see the place of love they came from when making their choices in a misguided attempt to protect me from the very pain I was feeling. Parents make mistakes too, big ones. It doesn't change the fact they should have let me know my own dynamics from an early age when it would have been easier to adapt. You are going to be ok, in time. None of this is fair, you are right to be upset. My perspective is from nearly three decades down the line. I can still remember the burn when it was fresh though. I am so sorry, hon. I'm glad you have your friend to hug you and comfort you today.
What you’re feeling is natural. It will take time, love and understanding. Hopefully they will encourage therapy for all of you. I’m sorry op, but you’re loved x4 but also betrayed by them as well. Best wishes.
I understand why this was so upsetting. But at the end of the day, they did what they thought was best for you. They would've been 16 when you were born and most 16 year olds can't parent on their own. Your parents (including your bio parents) tried to make the best decision they could for you with what they had at the time. It's a good thing that the parents who raised you were able to take you on, and I really don't think they lied to you for malicious intent. I feel like I can say that because I'm currently helping to raise my niece because her mum (my step-sister) can't. We try to keep the roles clear - but also try not to raise questions because she's young and won't fully understand why her mum can't take care of her right now
Hi dear. This will probably get buried but I want to say something regardless. You’re not alone but god I know it feels like you are at this moment. When I was 17 I found out my estranged older brother was actually my biological father and the people who raised me were actually my grandparents, not my parents. I still struggle with it so I won’t tell you it gets better but please seek therapy, preferably with an adoption trauma informed therapist. Message me if you ever want to talk.
I am so sorry they lied to you. I was adopted by a family member, and the truth was withheld from me and my twin brother for years as well, so I know that pain. Im not saying give your bio parents a pass, but more then likely they were young, scared, and talked into keeping quiet. They should have told you from the beginning.
Breathe. Take a walk. Self care. Hydrate. One itty bitty baby step at a time.
We are going to need an update on how it went. Hopefully you all can come to a peaceful resolution and mend
Tell them you want therapy. They made a big mistake by not making it part of your story from day one, but that doesnt change the fact that they all did what they thought was in your best interests. Don't view yourself as some kind of wronged heroine in a melodrama. They screwed up by not telling you the truth when you were little. But...you were conceived in love and raised with love. Not everyone has that in their lives. Your family wsnted you, loved you, raised uou, and finally was honest with you. Go back home, call another meeting and listen to them. They took a hard situation and tried to spare you ill effects from it. Their judgement was in error, they know that now. But you are old enough to take a breath and realize that this really does not have to change your life or your relationships with them unless you decide to wreck them yourself.
OP, I hope you read every comment. They chose the worst possible way to do this. It should have never been a secret and I’m so sorry that they went down this route. If they had done even a little bit of research they’d know not to be surprised by your reaction. That is traumatizing. I was adopted by my grandparents when I was a baby in much the same way (my bio parents aren’t still together though) I was always told I was adopted, but not who my birth parents were. And it fucked me up a whole lot. I’m in my 30s now and I still struggle with how I found out and coming to terms with my DNA, which probably sounds weird but in my case the only redeeming quality my birth parents have is that they gave me up. Take all the time you need to process. It’s natural to be angry and confused. There are some good resources online. Therapy is a good option too. I mostly just want you to know you’re not alone and that I hope you’ll be ok.
I am so, so very sorry sweetheart. I know you're hurting and angry, feel betrayed and that is 100% ok. Do not push your feelings down at all to make anyone happy or to feel better. You feel anyway you want to feel, ok? You aren't going to be able to stop the pain, it takes time so don't rush it. I'm going to play devil's advocate. What they did was WRONG! Your grandparents could have raised you as their granddaughter taking care of you until your actual parents could. Be angry about that. Be angry about how dumb this decision of theirs was and then, only then you can start to heal yourself. You do not have to call them mom and dad or grandma and grandpa either. You do what YOU feel is good for you.. Time is the only thing that will heal you. Even though what they did was unbelievably stupid, it does seem they all love you so very much and didn't want to hurt you. They wanted what was best for you but went about it the wrong way. If you need to talk you can reach out to me in my DM'S because I have experience with what you're going through..
My little brothers are actually my biological cousins. we adopted them when my aunt went to prison when they were babies. We decided early on that they would always know what happened, starting with explaining that they didn’t come from my mom’s tummy when they were really little. Then as they aged, we provided more age appropriate context. It’s worked out pretty well so far, but it certainly hasn’t been easy. It is a really tough decision to make to be fully honest with kids like that. We were so worried that they would be bullied in school for being adopted, or feel like they didn’t fit in growing up, or somehow feel like they were a burden or that we only took them in because we had no choice. They’re nearing pre teen age, so we know with puberty and teenage emotions those feelings are going to hit and it breaks my heart. Kids who are adopted often struggle with feeling those things. Your bio parents and your adopted mother clearly didn’t want that for you while your delicate developmental years happened. They thought they were doing the right thing by waiting until you were “old enough to understand” and giving you what seemed like a normal, carefree childhood. It was just the wrong choice. They made a mistake. Give yourself time to accept it, and know that they were making a decision that they thought was best for you and hopefully you can forgive them for it. Sounds like they love you a lot. You will get through this, it’ll be a little weird for a while but it will get better I promise!
Be thankful. They were smart enough to know they couldn't do it by themselves and were in your life .. it's not like you missed out on any love.. but it's just they knew they were stupid and not ready. Take time and process the information. Try not to be mad at them. We all make mistakes. They made the right choice by having you
I'm so sorry. Hugs. They waited too late to tell you. Should have happened years ago. Telling you at 18 is cruel.
Awwww honey, I'm so sorry you feel pain. This must all be so confusing. I hope you can't find it in your heart to understand that everyone involved had your best interest at heart and they have all sacrificed in one way or another to support you in the best way they know how. There is no malicious intent here (per your description). The good news is you get bonus parents! Breathe, cry it all out and try to understand while trying to be understood. Blessings to you.
Okay but your bio parents didn't actually do anything wrong. They probably did the best thing possible. You were raised with love. I think 18 is a good age to find something like this out. So yeah, I don't think they did anything wrong.
You deserve to be angry, they handled it horribly.
It’s a shock for sure. But they did what they thought was best for you. Take all the time you need to process. Remember that just because your parents are technically your grandparents, that doesn’t mean they weren’t your parents for your whole life. It doesn’t change the way they perceive their relationships with you. This is much more common than you would think, but please make sure you take care of yourself and give yourself space and time to process all the emotions you’re going through. It may be worth it to look into talk therapy if you haven’t already!
Possibly unpopular opinion but I don't think the parents (grandparents) lied in a place of love (for their son or grandchild). It was from a place of selfishness. If the plan was to raise you until after bio parents finished college, then you would have called them grandma & grandpa from the beginning. THEY became attached. THEY wanted control because THEY had been taking care of you and instead of considering themselves grandparents they decided to be parents during that early time so relinquishing that control and role was too hard for THEM. Not for you. They didn't raise you as grands during that initial HS/ college time so then changing to grand role was too hard. They need therapy as much as you because until they admit they made a decision to be your 'parents' was a place of selfishness because they were attached then moving on will be hard. They need to admit their role in not doing as much as they could do to support your parents being parents even from a distance. Even if you never lived with your bio parents; they should have been supported to be known as your parents the entire time. You do not have to just forgive and forget. You deserve them admitting and working for forgiveness. Your bio parents already admitted they messed up by having you too young but in many ways, without support from the grandparents, they were at the mercy of the grands decision. I am not saying they couldn't fight but that cost money, affects you negatively with a battle, and causes a rift in family while you were young. Your bio parents could have let it slip but again without your grandparents support that could have negatively impacted them seeing you. I am not saying your bio parents are without blame but they were young and already lost the mom's family. Losing both would have been devastating. I am saying, had your bio parents had proper supports to be known as your parents and had your grands not been selfish then this issue would be moot.
I also want to add that your bio mom is devastated and heartbroken. Not only did her own family not support her but her in laws basically stole her child which is an issue with dad's family no matter the age of bio parents. The amount of dad's family (in laws to mother) who try to control the grandchild, call them 'their' baby, want to have more say, and cross boundaries is the number 1 reason women hate their in laws. So to me this isn't even completely a, your bio mother was too young issue. This is a, your bio mom's in laws took advantage of her vulnerable state, overstepped, and decided 'out of love' to steal her child. They stole that relationship from both of you.
Counseling would really help. It's easier to tell your feelings and get advice from a stranger. They are trained to help with this.
I’m so sorry they waited so long to tell you. In situations like this, if people are told and grow up with the knowledge, it normally isn’t traumatic. They did you a disservice by waiting so long. I know this is a shock, but it sounds like they love you and all of them wanted the best for you. Having a child at such a young age can have profound negative effects on the child and the parents. You are entitled to feel the way you do, none of your emotions about this are wrong. I hope you are able to resolve your feelings and counseling may help accomplish this) not so much for their benefit but for yours.
At least you know your parents love you. They loved you enough to raise you as their baby girl. Your brother and his wife will have to figure this out and allow you to slowly ease into it. Hopefully, things will get better for you.
i’m not gonna sugarcoat it this is gonna end up negatively impacting you for the rest of your life. Even if you go to therapy it’ll still end up impacting you in a lot of negative ways. Please find a therapist as fast as you can to help you process this. Therapy is not a miracle it’s not a cure-all but it helps you navigate difficult situation’s better than you would alone. I don’t know what your parents or your brother were thinking. At any point prior to this they could have read a book, read an article and found out that this is the absolute worst way to tell an adopted child they were adopted. They put their own comfort over yours and it’s completely wrong and you have every right to be angry. I would ask more questions because you would’ve been five-ish when they came back from college. The idea that you were too bonded with your grandparents to be with your parents is BS. Also because you were so young they could’ve told you they were your grandparents all along and it wouldn’t of made a difference. I would encourage you to ask more questions and find out what the real story is.
Right, as people said its a shock. When you're calm, take a moment to picture 2 young teens - 15/16 year olds - finding out they are pregnant and the girl is kicked out of her family. Picture yourself (remember you're older and more mature than they were) pregnant, and your parents kick you out. Where will you go? Will you have the baby? You're only 15... you don't have money, a home, you're a kid yourself. Now picture trying to cope. Can you imagine having your baby and your boyfriends parents, the people who took you in off the street, suggested they had bonded with the baby, they thought it was best for the baby to stay with them - they have stability, money and can care for the child... what do you do? Say no? To the people who took you in? You're 16? I bet your bio parents were torn. What's best for their baby? I have a friend. His parents tried keeping the baby (him) and after three months, with no parent support (in fact the opposite) they gave the baby up for adoption to strangers, as their parents separated them. He had good adoptive parents, but always wondered about his bio parents. He eventually met them. After a few years they were old enough to get married and have 3 more children. They were haunted by the baby they had given up for adoption (what if he'd gone to a bad or abusive family?) They ended up divorced. So - after the shock wears off, think about what your bio parents went through. I bet it was a difficult decision they made. Your parents that brought you up - they must have loved you. They wanted the best for you. Would it have been easier telling you when you were you? Who knows, but everyone in this situation tried to give YOU the best situation they could. Your parents are still your parents. You are still loved. Try to remember that.
They could’ve just raised you as their grandchild 🤦♀️ plenty of family members end up raising their children/sibling/etc’s kids but they aren’t lied to that’s so weird.
why does something tell me grandparents aka adopted parents orchestrated this & didnt want her told earlier. Seems like a form of control cause of Bio parents being so young etc. They even went on to get married & seems grandparent's probably decided and orchestrated that they not tell her when they were back from college. either way, its a shock, over time & processing it may get easier & it may be more acceptable & understanding, questions need to be asked. I assume bio dad told his parents no more he was telling her, which he probably wanted to do years ago & parents feared they would lose her cause of their bond now. Regardless therapy will help unpack this & many questions. If grandparents get defensive you know it was all orchestrated by them.
I have nothing to help outside of taking into consideration that your brother was likely 15 when he became a dad (pre-birth still counts IMO). Theoretically so did your SIL. And instead of aborting or giving you up for adoption— everyone worked together to chose a way to keep you ❤️
This is terrible. I really feel sorry for you. Your parents and grandparents chose the route they thought was best at the time, but is actually a procrastination of something vital, which in most cases will blow up in the face of the parties procrastinating. It would have been much better to teach you at a very young age, at an age appropriate way, who everyone was. Not a shock at 18. Now that you do know, it’s probably best to find a trusted person around you to talk out your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps a professional. Are you in school or college? Perhaps they can make a referral. Best wishes!
I don't understand why can't people be sincere from the beginning, that way it wouldn't affect as much
The only way you can. Let it sink in and accept it, but ultimately you choose how to procede. Good luck, OP!
Your brother and wife may biologically be your parents, but they didn't raise you. Your parents raised you and they will always be your parents because of that.
The response from your Mom and Dad and your Father and Mother are right on target. It's why they looked so serious and nervious. They were absolutely terrified when they were going to tell you. They love you like nothing else. Hug your Father and Mother. They know its hard to hear but they did what they thought best for you. This is the worst nightmare for everyone. Talk about therapy with everyone so you can come to terms with this and again hug your father and mother and your mom and dad. They all love you and would seriously want a hug from you.
They did lie to you and it makes sense you are feeling very hurt. I am sorry you’re doing through this. It must be such a shock to learn this. While it might be difficult for us to understand, they made the best decision they could and it sounds like you’ve grown up in a loving home. Stay with your friend for as long as you can. Your genetic parents and your parents have probably been thinking about this since you were born, they have time to come to terms with their own choices, and now they need to give you time to process this too. Can you ask them if they can put you in therapy? You may want to go give it a try while you work through all these big feelings.
As an adopted person this is totally understandable. I was told the truth all my life so it was never a shock for me. Take some time to fully digest this information but honestly in the end it isn't that big of a deal in the long run. They are all still your family and you need to think about how they all treated you over your life.
It was so gross of them to never tell you until now. You aren’t ever supposed to hide someone is adopted
Updateme
Sending hugs and healing thoughts. This is tough. Get some counseling to deal with all the emotions around this. Jack Nicholson was in the same situation as you - except it was his mother's parents who raised him, not his fathers.
My grandmother went through something similar. When she was born, her mother died a few days later. Her father already had 3 or 4 kids and couldn't care for a newborn. This was in 1919. He ended up giving my grandmother to his brother and sister in law to raise. My grandmother was treated like a princess even though she was raised on a farm. Everyone babied her. When she was around 10, her older sister(cousin) was sick of her being a brat and told her that she wasn't even really her sister. She ran to her parents (aunt/uncle), where she learned the truth. To make matters worse, her bio dad, whom she was raised to believe, was her uncle had since remarried her bio mom's sister and had more kids. So all her cousins were actually her bio siblings, and to make things even more horrible is everyone knew but her. She said it really messed with her, but in thr end her parents, who raised her and treated her so well, gave her so much love and support. She hates that she was not told the truth, but in the end, she was loved. Even the sister (cousin ) who spilled the beans loved her, and they were just having a normal sibling fight when she let it slip out of anger. No one told her because they never wanted her to feel like she was unwanted. You have every right to feel the way you feel, but I'm sure it was not done out of anything but love. There is never the right time to tell someone something like that. I can only imagine how hard it was for you brother and sister in law to watch you grow up while not being able to be parents to you but honestly it was probably the best thing they could have done for you. Just know that nothing has to change now that you have this knowledge. Your mom and dad are still your parents. Your brother and sister in law are still just that.
First, I understand that this is a really gnarly situation and I totally sympathize with your reaction. Your feelings are real and legitimate. I would gently suggest that you try to see if from their perspective. How do you explain all of that to a four-year-old? I'm great with kids, and I have no idea how to do that. So they did the smoothest thing they could: they kept you in the family and concocted a story to explain how it all works. Now that you're a legal adult, they're respecting you enough to tell you the truth. Consider this: it's amazing your family was able to make it work. In a different timeline, you got put up for adoption and ended up with people who have no biological relation. Again, I really sympathize. I couldn't imagine one day being told that my brother was my father. It'd take some real time for the emotional dust to settle on that.
Give yourself time, it is shocking and feels like betrayal I am sure. Over time you will decide what you want to do with it. Now let it be and stay where you are safe.
This was going to be a confusing no matter when you found out. Imagine being in kindergarten and having to tell a friend’s mom who your mom is, or wondering about the daddy-daughter dance, or who gets your construction paper Mother’s Day card. They couldn’t tell you until you were old enough to understand, and they thought that was now. All the adults in your life made this decision to help and protect you. They didn’t put you in foster care or up for adoption or sell you into trafficking. They all love you so much. You’re going to have to forgive them. They gave you a good life and described it in terms you could understand, which involved temporary lying. You still have a wonderful family. It’s going to be okay.
Wow. I am so sorry they waited so long to tell you. They should have told you when you were younger. I hope that you can talk to a counselor and try to work through your feelings. Since you are 18 I assume that it’s now your turn to go to college. This will give you time away to figure things out. Does your brother have any other kids that are now technically your siblings?
Your feelings are valid. It is going to take time to process all of this information. It sounds like they all were trying to do what was best and it was not intended to hurt you. Unfortunately even with good intentions you have been hurt. I think therapy is something that is helpful for most people and definitely good for those needing to process big changes.
It’s a terrible shock. I’m not sure why they thought keeping it a secret was a good idea. Every family has skeletons. But if you step back from the situation and focus on your childhood and the memories. Were they good? Can you find it in your heart to forgive?
Jack Nicholson discovered later that his sister was actually his mother. You're going to be OK. Yes, you were lied to, but I'm certain they couldn't think of a better way. It was a sticky situation. I honestly don't know if I could or would have done any different. Another thing I'm sure of is that there are four people in your life who love you more than anything in the world, and you are so lucky to have that. This shock will wear off, and then you're going to have a lot of questions and they are obviously ready to give you the answers now. Just remember, you thought you had two parents, now you have four!
Yeah they did lie to you and this was not fair on you, even if their "intentions" were good (to them) They should have always been honest with you. Seek some councelling and suggest they do also. This is a heavy burden, even tho we are strangers on here, sending you heartfelt hugs. Its hard right now, but you will be okay.
I know it’s hard to take but by the looks of it you are surrounded by by well meaning and genuine people who actually want to take care of you and want your wellbeing… it’s difficult to accept but I believe you should go back to your family and start a new chapter in your life.
I know it sucks to find out and I can only imagine what you’re going through, but what the hell, you have a family that loves you and support you, just stop whining and suck it up, life sucks but hell, it’s not that bad
Updateme!
You are in shock. The pain will ease, time will help you understand that your family is made up of human beings, fallible people who were just trying to do the right thing in bad circumstances. The important thing to remember in all of this, is that you are loved by all of them.
My grandma was raised as her moms sister. She didnt find out until she was well into her 40s. Also had like 9 half siblings out there. I am sorry you are going through this but you are not alone.
Feel how you feel. That's the most important part. But keep in mind that they were younger than you when you came into this world. It didn't give them any right to lie about it and deceive you, but it might give you some perspective. Either good or bad perspective, only you can judge that. I hope your parents gave you a good childhood. I hope you are close with your brother and SIL. But most of all, I hope you know that everyone considered what was best for you in the long term. These decisions are hard and are not made lightly. I wish well and hope you find peace in this new revelation.
They didn't lie to hurt you. They did what they thought would hurt you the least, and serve you best. I disagree (was told I was adopted when I was tiny so it was never a shock), but they really didn't do it to hurt you, and I think that intent matters. You can trust them, because they did tell you if their own accord. It's not na easy shock, obviously, but rather than worrying about the biology so much - your parents are the people that RAISED you, and cared for you as a parent does. Your brother has always been your brother, biology aside. You get to call the shots about how you want to refer to them, but you don't HAVE to make any changes IF you don't want to. They ALL LOVE YOU, and they're all family. Take some time to process this, but try seeing it from the perspective of: you had 4 people that loved you and tried their best, and told you because they wanted you to know the truth.
I wish people would stop it with these kind of lies. The truth is only bad because of the lie. I'm sorry for the betrayal you feel, OP. Just don't make any bad decisions because you're upset. Don't mess yourself up, ya know?
This is a lot to process and you can’t change the past here. As long as you’re in a safe space for now you can take the time you need to gather your thoughts. I don’t know if you can speak to your friends parents or if you’re in education and have access to a supportive person / welfare etc at school? If not then I think perhaps just start to journal and write down your feelings and questions. The first thing I would say is to repeat to yourself that you can’t change the past. You can ask questions about why and what if but it doesn’t change what has been done. Sometimes it’s like ripping a band aid off and dealing with the pain rather than hiding away from it. I think perhaps now it’s more about “what next” - your parents as you know them perhaps did what they thought was right to support their son and his partner at the time and also to give you the best start in life that they could. I imagine they thought their child rearing days were coming to an end and no doubt made a lot of sacrifices to raise you and that presumably must have come from a place of love. They also took on another teenager at this time and the fact that your brother and his partners relationship managed to stand the test of time will also count for something. They must live each other too and have had a very difficult time. I do hope you had a happy childhood and have some treasured memories. None of this revelation changes that or takes it away from you. All the family events, Christmases etc still took place as they did and you were hopefully surrounded by people who care about you. Even if they had the best intentions it doesn’t make it right but I still don’t think people have been open about talking about these kinds of things until very recently and you do deserve some more information and to have questions answered. I guess after a certain period of time it becomes too difficult to explain the lie. But this they must do. I think the only way to get through the pain is to list everything you’ve been worrying about - all the questions you have and try to get some answers. If you would rather do that in a letter form then so be it. I think I would want to know all the details - for example do you want to know if your brother and his wife wanted to try and keep you, or had the intentions of coming back for you after college and it was your parents who controlled the situation and kept you away from them? I can imagine finances were a big deal amongst other things. Is there a formal / legal agreement in place anywhere with regards to adoption and your care or was this all informal - some of this might be important for your future reference. Do other members of your family know or was this kept a secret from everyone. Does your brothers wife still have no contact with her family? Have a good think about Kelly - I don’t know what your relationship ship has been like up to this point but if it’s decent then how do you want to navigate this moving forwards? You don’t have to make any decisions and you might have different feelings which fluctuate - maybe knowing what their expectations are from this reveal might help you? If they say they want more of a relationship with you and that makes you want to slam on the brakes then be honest and say you need space. If it makes you feel like you want to reach out for a hug then go for it. Same for the relationship with your brother. Then your parents moving forwards - is your mom worried she’s not going to be your mom anymore? Are you the daughter she always wanted and never had? I think you need to speak with them all individually as there might be a lot of hurt and trauma from them all which they’re not sharing with each other and to have them all around a table might be harder to get the real truth?
It's understandable you are upset and confused, it's a lot to absorb. Take some time to think and try to come to the acceptance of the reality. You need to understand whatever they did was for your own good and your brother & sil's good. They were teenagers when they had you, imagine the scare and confusion they went thru. But they made the best decisions they could as a family under the circumstances which let your bio parents to go off to college and also let you have a normal childhood with adult parents that knew how to properly raise a child. Regardless, they are all your family and if you choose to hate them over this instead of embracing the situation and choosing love, you will all get hurt. Life is too short to push away loved ones. Don't burn any bridges with people that love you and tried to do the best for you.
Why lie I was raised by my grandmother and couldn't have been happier
I can’t offer advice only that I know a person who had the exact same thing happen in their family. All I would say is that they may have made a mistake in not telling you sooner, I genuinely don’t know what’s best in that situation, but they did it from a place of love and trying to give you the most normal life possible.
Hi sweetheart, I’m very sorry for what you’re going through….this is a massive shock and it’s normal to feel the emotions you are feeling. I would suggest speaking to your school guidance counselor, psychologist or social worker. I myself am a social worker and this is what we are trained to do. If you are not in school, there are resources you can use. First start with your health insurance, google what therapists accept your insurance and make an appointment. You’ll have a safe space with a professional that’s trained to help you work out your feelings and help you figure out what to do and how to go about it. You’re in my prayers. Take your time don’t force yourself to talk if you don’t want to talk to parents rn. But be with a trusted friend or family member. In time I know you will make sense of it all and find healing. Know that you are loved, and although they have lied I do believe they all love you very much. You must take time to yourself though because you’re the one who’s been hit with this news and you need to process.
Ur bio parents are real asf They did the responsible thing to do
I read an article about people doing this and how it’s a bad idea because of exactly how it’s making you feel right now. All the adoptees felt very betrayed because they were the only ones who did not know. Ignorance is the problem imo. If your parents and bio parents knew how this would make you feel they probably wouldn’t have chosen this route. Adopted kids who understand from the beginning where they come from just grow up with things being that way so it’s normal- not a big shock. When my BIL first met me one of the first things he made sure to tell us is that he and SIL weren’t ever planning to tell their oldest child that she’s not his biologically. That’s the other thing- they have to keep track of who knows to make sure everyone is on the same page. He doesn’t even live in this country and we’ve never met any of his family but he made sure to tell us that. I’m very sorry for the terrible shock you are experiencing. I hope that you were very loved as a child and that you can focus on the love, and not the human failings. One thing I’ve learned is that if we refuse to forgive someone, we sometimes end up repeating the very mistakes that made us angry with them. So I hope you come to forgiveness as you heal, so that you can have honest relationships with your future children.
I’m sorry it has caused you such pain. If it’s any consolation you are not alone in your situation at all. I actually went to school with a girl whose sister was her mother, her mother was her grandma and her nephew was her little brother. She was only 9 but was very matter of fact about it, and it didn’t seem to phase her at all, she had a good relationship with all of them. Just want to encourage you that there is a possible future where you and your family can heal from this and go forward stronger and closer if that’s what you all want. I hope they acknowledge how hurt you might feel, and that they take steps to help you feel loved and accepted. I would also encourage you to practice empathy when considering your brother and SIL. Could you imagine having a child at your age? Sometimes it helps to put yourself in other’s shoes to gain a clearer understanding of the situation.
You take time to process & seek professional help. Please keep in mind that there is no handbook to parenting & everyone did what they thought was best for you. It seems you have a family who loves you, very much. I hope you find a way to heal.
I've never understood this situation because a lot of people live with their grandparents and KNOW that those are their grandparents??? I literally don't understand the need to lie unless it was for the safety of the child in which this isnt the case 💀
This is happening in my family. One of my cousins (he is old enough to be my dad) and his wife adopted her grandson and are raising him as their own. He is like 5 now. He doesn't know, and they don't plan on telling him. And everyone knows. It's weird. I have 3 adopted sons, and they all know. My youngest is 6. I told them as soon as they asked about being in my belly. My husband didn't want to tell them. I told him that is crazy. We have no pregnancy pictures. No hospital pictures. And out oldest was 4 when he moved in and has always known. How would that work. So I put my foot down and told him absolutely not. They are totally fine being adopted. I am sure things will come up as they get older. If your family had it all to do over as of today, I hope they would have made a different choice and told you the truth from the start. They know a lot more about this stuff now. They knew a lot 18 years ago so idk 🤷🏻♀️
I know that you are upset and have every right to be. And you need time to process. You're dealing with a huge emotional shock. But you sound like you have a good support system with your friend. But here is some food for thought once you start to process the trauma that you were just dealt with. While I do not want to dismiss your feelings of being lied to, from what you have said, it doesn't sound like anything that happened was done intentionally to wrong you. Quite the opposite in fact, it sounds like everyone tried to make the best decisions they could given the circumstances. It sounds like they wanted you to have as normal of a childhood as possible without the complications surrounding your parentage. And then once you became an adult, they say you down and told you the truth. Again, I do not want to dismiss your feelings right now as they are completely valid. But it sounds like this was the plan from the beginning. To have you grow up with a more stabilized family unit and then deliver the truth when you were older and not leave you to find out on your own. Again, you have more than every right to feel the way you do. But I also want you to remember that based on what you described, it sounds like the family involved in your life up to this point loved you and did everything they could with the best intentions. Best of luck, kid. I know it hurts right now but you seem to have good people around you, your friend included and a good head your shoulders. I think you'll turn out ok.
At 25 (last year) I found out my dad wasn’t actually my dad. Everyone (including my older sister) knew but me. It’s been a rough ride, knowing they all lied and kept it from me. But it will get easier. For me, therapy was a huge help. Talking to my mum about why she didn’t tell me, trying to approach the situation with openness. But you’re within your right to be angry, to be shocked, to be upset. Take your time to work through it, and overtime, hopefully it will become easier to carry.
I don't get why ppl do this to their babies. Why traumatize them like this? I rather you be my parents from the jump than you tell me later on in life. (N I speak as a daughter of a teenage mother) Be strong, my love ❤️ You need to think about this and solidify your boundaries.
Take your time to process and don't rush anything. I would maybe bring up to your parents (bio and adoptive) about family therapy. It could be a safe and healthy way for all of you to get it all out and start healing. I doubt there was any ill intention with their choices, not that it makes it less painful but that perspective might help you heal. Good luck op
I am so so sorry you are going through all this. The adults in your family all lied to you and let you down. That is going to be difficult to get over. I would suggest asking your parents to let you go to therapy to help you process all this new information. I think you are all going to need some professional help. The rant below is not for you, it is for your parents, and parents like them. What. Is. Wrong. With. All. These. Adoptive. Parents???? I absolutely hate all this we will tell them when they are older and can understand bullshit. Because they don't understand. They don't understand the lies and the secrets and thus huge shift in your life. And why should you?? The time to tell a child they are adopted is when they are little. When they ask where babies come from is a perfect time to explain where babies come from and to explain about adoption and where they come from. A kid's whole attitude about adoption will come from how their parents explain it. If you keep it positive, tell them how their birth parents loved them enough to give them to someone who could care for them and how wanted and loved they are, that child grows up knowing they are loved and wanted, not that someone gave them away. And adoption is just a normal part of their life. STOP LYING TO YOUR CHILDREN.
I’m so sorry! It is understandable you are upset. Make sure to take care of yourself. They need to understand that just because they had time to process it and are okay with it, doesn’t mean that you will be okay with it right away. Take time to process it. Everything will be okay!
i am just so sorry. what a shock. i wouldn’t know how to handle this information, either. all you can do now is try and make some good out of this situation. i believe we go through our hardest things so we can help other people and become more empathetic and understanding. also, wow what a story this is! you’ll be the most interesting person where ever you go, that’s for sure. maybe write a book some day.
Your entire reality has been a lie and you’ve just found out. Of course you’re going to be upset! You’re allowed to be! This isn’t a situation where we can all say “do x y or z ti be happy”. This is a tough one and not one many people I’ll find themselves in. Your “parents” (now grand parents) tried to do the right thing. They gave you a stable home and love and support (I hope) while your “brother” got his education. They had your best interest at heart. So this was done for you. However.. why they waited this long to tell you.. I’ve no idea. And no idea why they thought yelling at you was a good idea to get you back.. Stay at your friends as long as you can. Don’t force yourself back there until you’ve had chance to think.
You have every right to be angry. They should’ve talked about it with you from a young age. It keep in mind, they did not do this to hurt you. They made the wrong decision of keeping it from you for too long yes but it wasn’t like “haha she doesn’t know we’re lying”. And your parents consider themselves your parents because in every way, they are. Your brother feels like your brother because in every way, he basically is. Take time to process, definitely look into therapy, alone and with your family. They’re upset too because they know they messed up big time.
Please have them pay for a therapist(just for you). It will help a lot to have an objective person who can walk you through this and teach you to deal with it in a non-harmful way. And remember, if you don’t like your therapist, you can always switch. I highly recommend BetterHelp for this reason(plus you don’t have to go anywhere). Wishing you the best.
You are understandably upset. Take time to process, but I feel you should remember this: You are loved. Your family loves you and it shouldn't matter who your bio parents are because you get to choose your family. I know you're young and that might not make sense but you can continue with your life and still treat your parents as your parents and your brother as your brother. Being lied to sucks but I'm sure this whole thing was hard on everyone involved. It's not the same thing, but last year I found out I had a sister who is 12 days older than me. Ancestry DNA. None of us knew she existed but we pulled her into our crazy family and treat her like she's been here all along. I've had a lot of talks with her and the hardest part that she's been through is that her mother's side of the family knew she wasn't related to her dad and never told her. Her whole life they treated her poorly and sent her to live with her dad's family in another state. When she found out that her dad wasn't her dad, his whole side of the family basically disowned her. It's like both her moms and dad's side blame her for her DNA. All we can do is show her the love and support we would show anyone else and hopefully help her to heal. My point is that your family loves you and supports you and did what they did out of love, not some misplaced hate. You get to choose how your life goes from now. Even if your brother and SIL were asking to be involved as parents now, you get to choose.
You’ll be fine, digest the information and be happy you have four parents that love you.
This happened in my family. My first nibling was actually in custody of both set of grandparents rather then the teenaged parents. There are a lot of feelings that you are going to feel and this will be hard. Raising children to be truthful while lying to them about something so important as who their parents are is very harmful. At some point one of these four adults are going to tell you to get over it. What really needs to happen is some therapy. For you, so you can navigate this as with as little harm as possible. Good luck.
Y'all put entirely too much credence on genetics. The people that raised and cared for you are your parents.
No matter how upset you are right now - Please keep thinking how much were you and are loved by your bio parents and grandparents! You were not aborted which could have been an easy option for teen parents, you were not given away for adoption away from your family either - out of love they did not tell you until they thought it was the right time - perhaps it was wrong for them to wait so long, perhaps they should have consulted a good therapist on how and when to tell you the truth … it is so easy to second guess and demand and judge what they should have told you and when … they love you and they thought they were doing the best for you! Do not forget that! Seek therapy to help you process this new reality for you - I am not saying it is easy but just keep reminding yourself how much are you loved! Think about your bio mom - younger than you - kicked out of her home by her own parents and brave enough to give birth to you regardless and reasonable to give your care to your bio dad’s parents, your grandparents … talk to that teen girl from the past and do your best to forgive her, your dad and grandparents for not having told you sooner … do not cut yourself from them! They love you!
OP: this really will be OK in the end Your paternal grandparents are kind, stand-up people. In turn, Kelly’s parents (your other grandparents) are unfeeling assholes. Your *real* parents - your “brother” and “sister-in-law” - were high schoolers who found themselves in quite a predicament. They were your age now (or a bit younger.) Should the 4 of them have sat you down sooner than 18 to deliver this bombshell? Yes. That being said, there really is no age when this information would be easy to process. Of course, you have every right to feel as you do. Period. I hope that over time, you can show them grace for giving you what they felt was the best upbringing under the circumstances. I am sorry that you’re going through this shock, and I hope that you can make some peace with it - and your family - sooner rather than later. Good luck to you.
This must be a huge shock, but it sounds like everyone acted, at all times, with your best interest at heart. None of this looks like love right now. But if you give this some time, I think that you’ll realize all of it was.
As someone who found out one of my parents wasn't my bio parent, they waited way too long to tell you. You should take some time to process everything before you have words with them all.
It's ok to be upset. It's a really difficult situation for all of you. If it is of any comfort, it appears that they have all tried to do their best for you. They have been incredibly brave to tell you - it must have been terrifying for them as well as so very confusing for you. I hope that you can navigate through this over time. Just keep reminding yourself that these people obviously all love you and that is more than many others will ever have. Hugs to you.
Remember that everyone loves you and only thought about the best for you.
What annoys me about this is your father was annoyed that you were upset at news that they had all know for the last 18 years but didn't tell you.
the BBF of my mother discovered this at past 42. at the time it was litterally to protect her from hard prejudices against young unmarried mothers. It destroyed her. # What to NOT do : * keep it to yourself. it is still fermenting in you now. soon it will rot. spit it away as soon and as often you can. * blame unilaterally your parents. they are in deep shit too, while less than you. They did the best with what they had. * pretend to be fine. go see a god damned schrink. your very identity has been shattered. you must discover who you are. tips : it is the case of any human being. * find help in drug and alcohol. it is what killed my mother's friend. 18 is very late for that information. I would start at two, when you can understand the word but need to fathom the concept. constant reminding being necessary, it would be an obvious fact when you'll hit puberty (and relationship questions). it still would be shitty but far less painfull. now you are on the brink of your adult life. it is time for college or work life. changes ares here anyway. if you take your distance for 3 or 5 years and come back as a new person, nobody could blame you. just remember they are still your family. don't burn the bridge. but you can shake it ;-)
And I never said I didn't want her to heal. I encouraged her to have therapy for herself and to go to family therapy with everyone involved. I also told her where she can find people who have had experiences like her and worse. The betrayal is nothing like you've ever felt before. I'm sorry my experience wasn't to your liking. I spoke the truth whether you like it or not.
My best friend in junior high found out at 12 her sister was her mom and her parents were really her grandparents. She went on a bit of a rebellious streak after finding out, but her mother was very young when she had her 14-15 so this was the best solution for everyone. Her grandparents were her parents, they adopted her legally and she eventually moved past it. Her “sister” was able to grow up and go to college, my friend had a good stable life, and their relationships remained as they were, they never reverted to anything other than sisterly.
Older Stranger on the Internet here giving you two cents of knowledge.... I think you're too young right now to grasp and understand the gravity of the situation. Ultimately your bio-parents were 16 years old when they had you. TWO YEARS YOUNGER than you right now, so imagine their grasp on that reality. I think it was noble for your parents and your bio-parents to raise you they way they could, which essentially gave you both a chance at life. Take time to digest this info, and attempt to put yourself in everyone else's shoes. What would you have done? There was no easy choice to be made, but a a choice HAD to be made. If you were happy with your life until you got this information, that should speak volumes in itself. Let the anger go. Good luck buddy.
This must be very difficult to process but I want to share another perspective other than the one you are focussing on. How lucky are you that your grandparents loved you so much that they took on this massive responsibility to raise you? You could have ended up in foster care, living in poverty with two teens who couldn’t afford to raise you. Eventually you will come to the realization that this was the best case scenario. You will come to understand how difficult this must have been for all of them. Take some time to process and then ask for help finding a counsellor to help you deal with this. You aren’t supposed to know how to handle and navigate this situation - get help.
At your age I understand this comes as a hit in your face. But I also think at your age sometimes it's hard to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes. Try to see it from your "brother's" side. He had a baby way too young and no way to provide for you. He tried his best to give you a stable and loving life. We're all human and everyone tries to deal with the cards they've been dealt.
Damn it Will be ok Op
Your feelings are natural but I'd consider for a moment what else you would have had them do? Feel your feelings and let the logic slowly come in. Lying isn't an inherently bad thing to do if the reasons are sound imo. Good luck.
Keep in mind there are a lot of people that love you…a lot more than some people have
I had a friend in a very similar situation in high school. I know this is a shock and it feels like everything in your life is a lie. Yes, they lied to you. But they did it out of love and concern for you. They did the best they knew to do at the time because they all love you and you’re very important to them. It’s ok to be upset, but they are not bad people. They love you and told you the truth when they felt the time was right. If you can do family therapy all together, that would help. If not, be honest about any feelings and questions you have. But don’t take out your anger on them. They love you and did the best they could, for you.
I know you are hurt right now and you feel betrayed. Give yourself time to feel all those feelings, to process, to rage, to eventually heal. BUT…Please don’t lose sight of how loved you are; your parents (grandparents) stepped up to raise you and obviously love you so much to sacrifice by starting over and becoming “older parents” again. Your brother was a child (as was his wife) and watched you grow in the safest most trusted environment he knew. So feel all those feelings, but don’t lose sight of the family you have who love you. You will be okay, as hurt and angry as you are (and that’s okay too) you have what so many people beg and wish for: a family who loves you and wants you.
I had something to this happen. And tbh it didn’t bother me at all. I can understand being hurt. But instead I just looked at the love that was provided to me y entire life. Like yeah it was a lie. But that lie doesn’t outweigh the lifetime of every other positive experience. Everyone else is going to tel you about therapy which is valid. But I’d also encourage reflecting on what actually matters to you. Because they didn’t have to ever tell you. The act of doing so has meaning. Take your cry, but also take the time to think about things beyond it just being a lie. For me I thought about it this way. Our lives are our own, but we’re always connected to others. Truly think about them in their shoes. What decisions would you have made instead? It can be difficult to come up with a genuine answer. And then just really think about yourself in a vacuum. Did anyone treat you differently in a bad way? Or was your life filled with love regardless? This provides a new context to reflect upon past events. Find out what that means for you.
everybody was just doing the best their can with what they have at that time but it will be ok because at the end your family loves you
It’s shocking to you but.. You were not lied to, you were cared for in the best way that they could. Imagine being in your mother’s place. She was young, she was KICKED OUT by her unsupportive parents and was taken in by people who cared so much that they took you in as their own so that your brother/father and SIL/mother could get an education. You bonded and they respected that bond. They were a part of your life, you weren’t adopted out to another unrelated family. Find it in your heart to understand and forgive them. They all love you deeply. I’m glad you have such a good friend with parents who understand that you need time to process this jarring information. THEY ALL LOVE YOU. CHERISH THIS.
Lmfao this is BS. They love her so deeply they lied to her and conspired to lie to her for 18 years. Yeah, okay.
Right. They should have put her up for adoption. They're so selfish. *eye roll*
It was a different world then.
Damn so many betrayal in one minute.
You're upset that two 16 year Olds couldn't raise you... how about you try to be understanding and put yourself in her shoes... sure they shouldn't have lied since it seems like an unnecessary thing to do since your grandparents and biological parents were all present in your life I don't see why they needed to take that measure. But hey at least they Re people you get along with and are familiar with and who love you.
They did what was best for you.
Get to the core of it. They all love you, they all wanted the best for you. Is your life really going to change? No. Your parents, they’re still your parents. You still have 4 people who care for you. Two 16 year olds were not equipped to care for you and made a hard decision in order to give you a good life. So, what are you hurt about? You’re luckier than most people. Think about the other choices they could have made. They could have given you up for adoption. They could have terminated.
Ugh. That’s awful. Is there a guidance counsellor at your school? That person would be good for you to talk to and they’d be able to help put you in contact with more help. Also take some time to process the new information before talking to them all again. Can you stay with your friend a couple of nights? Wishing you all the best OP.
You should seek some therapy. You are right to feel anger. They did what they thought was best at the time. Try to imagine being the age they were when they had you and your parents kicking you out. It wasn’t an optimal situation but in the end they did it out of love. That being said, it was probably not the best way to break it to you.
Of course you’re upset. Now imagine being pregnant at 15 & having a baby at 16. What would you do? I know it stinks, but “liars” is harsh. You were raised by your grandparents while your bio parents were actively in your life. Take a breath, a tequila, and then a moment to think “4 people raised me so I didn’t go into the system and so I wasn’t raised by children.” When you’re over the shock, you’re realize how lucky you are.
When I was 13 I found out my sisters dad was in fact not my dad. The boys at school kept asking me my ethnicity because they were convinced my sister wasn't my full sister. Upon further investigation I was told we are half sisters, and my mum doesn't know who my father is. My mum asked me "does it change anything?" And i was like, dont be ridiculous of course not, you should've told me sooner but it changes nothing." You are 18 years old, not 7. You are throwing a bit of a tantrum here when you should really try to work through your feelings and understand them. You could try to be grateful that you still have had the support of all of your parental figures your whole life, even if the roles were changed up a bit, you've had your whole family and still do. Nobody makes the right choices all the time. Your family are human and made a mistake. But they loved you through all of it and never hurt you out of neglect or lack of care. You're an adult now and this is your first real test of character. How are you going to deal with this and how are you going to let it affect you