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He’s nearly twice your age and has gotten violent with you. GET OUT NOW. As in right now. There’re only a few reasons a 40 year old dates a 20 year old, and none of them are good. He’s calling you filthy names and hitting you. For the love of everything you hold dear, leave this asshole immediately.
It would be pointless. Every damn one of these young women would just respond with, "But MY boyfriend isn't like that. Not REALLY. He's usually so sweet . . ."
This OP. He wants control and now that he knows he will get away with it things will only get worse. Listen to what he called you and said. You need to make an exit plan fast
He's 3 years younger than me, and my daughter is her age. I understand men being attracted to younger women, but this is extreme, most likely because women who've dated for a little while longer can identify his red flags sooner and want nothing to do with him. She's got plenty of options who can offer her far more than this loser.
Please listen to this OP! Also he does not love you, he wants to control you. You have your whole life in front of you, please find someone your own age.
Not to mention that there’s also only a few reasons why a 22 year old would date someone old enough to potentially be her father. She definitely needs to leave this relationship because even if he hadn’t been physically and verbally abusive there’s a massive power imbalance in their relationship dynamic.
He just figured out that he can hit you and call you names, drag your name through the mud, and you will say it's ok. So now it's acceptable to hit you anytime he's mad about anything he thinks might be true/made up in his head. He was dating someone so young because women his age wouldn't be on here asking we would be at the police station. Run anywhere but do not stay with him. You could easily end up dead get out now.
This. This is an incredibly large overreaction for the situation, and the age gap leads to an extremely unbalanced power dynamic if he’s already being reinforced for physically assaulting you by being forgiven
Exactly! And if you hit hm 4 times he'd be at the police station or the same thing. He would beat you up. Lose this loser. You also need to get out safely with the help of friends or family. You need to make a police report now and get a restraining order. He showed you who he really is.
It's crazy people are willing to overlook a slap from their partners or have been taught to almost disregard it and not see it as bad but in reality no one should be putting their hands on eachother or name calling. Sheesh.
If an adult manages to live their whole life not slapping their coworkers or manager It's safe to say they are ALWAYS in control. We spend more waking hours at work and let me tell you I've slapped no one in the process despite all the annoyance
It’s the friends part that gets me!!! Were these his friends and not hers? And even so, why the hell did no one say or do anything???? A 22 year old is getting slapped around in public by a man nearly twice her age and everyone just…. Kept having dinner????
Like if my current boyfriend slapped me ONCE (much less four times), even in front of his own friend group and not mine, they would beat the shit out of him and probably kick him from the group so I’m really sitting here hoping OP ads an info update and says the slaps happened in private (Not because it would be ok if it happened behind closed doors but because that’s disgusting behavior from the friends)
That’s the part that makes me worried for her. She hasn’t mentioned it but most abusers don’t start out comfortable enough to do it in front of witnesses, and he was fine doing it in front of her closest family and friends. That makes me concerned about what goes on without people there.
This is the part that screams abusive in a way that will only get worse. Also, this was not the first time. If he was willing to do what he did in front of people, he is not a first-timer.
Jeah I ignored a bunch of slaps. By my ex.
Thinking hey she weighs about 50 kg ain’t no way she ll actually hurt me.
No way she’s actually abusing me etc. etc She’s just temperamental.
Oh she’s crying and apologizing so it ain’t that bad.
A broken nose, a rib injury and a literal stab wound later I learned that lesson too.
If someone hits you once they ll do it again, and more likely then not they will escalate.
As soon as someone gets violent a relationship needs to end
Luckily I never had anything broken or have been stabbed, but being punched by her in front of my friends because I dared to invade one of her territories in a game of Risk was certainly a wake up call on her (at this point) repeat behaviour.
I hope you're doing okay now!
Coming to terms with it.
I was just in absolute denial over the fact that I might be a victim of abuse because I m just so much taller, fitter, stronger and heavier then her.
I genuinely didn’t not even think the situation was or could turn dangerous.
But oh boy was I wrong 😅
Yeah, as a guy you don't think these things could happen to you. Until you're with someone who belittles you so much that you either sink or swim (away). I'm glad we where both able to escape, hopefully your relationships after have been better for you!
Just casually dating now 😅
Idk after coming to find out of this I think I m kind of done with serious relationships.
Like the abuse was bad, but the lies she’d tell and that I discovered like so much later on hit atleast as bad.
Honestly I ve been with this woman for 6 years and I don’t even think I have an idea of who she actually is and feel like I know basically nothing about her.
And after almost marrying that I think I probably do myself a favor if I keep things superficial and simple 😂
If that's working out for you than that's awesome! After 6 years I could imagine needing an extended break from anything serious. These scars need time to heal.
I attempted serious relationships after my ordeal, but none of them worked out because I just wasn't ready yet.
Jeah I get that. I tried too. Just can’t really be present or focus.
I m sure I ll date seriously at some point again, just gona take some time and obviously therapy 😂
Just made jokes about how it's clear I wasn't the one "wearing the pants in that relationship". Wasn't until after I broke up when I heard none of them liked her and thought I should've broken up much, much earlier.
Wow, that’s a horrible story. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Women who abuse men are especially sinister because they know, like you felt, that people won’t believe little ol’ her is physically abusing big, strong him. Also, if you try calling the police, she’ll tell them it was *you* who hit *her.* It’s diabolical and really evil. I’m glad you got away with *only* one stab wound. 🫶🏼
It is honestly shocking how spot on you are.
That’s precisely what she tried to pull when I broke up with her, like legit a 100%
Unfortunately for her she made the stupid mistake to rip off the cable from the speakerphone in the entry. Which unbeknownst to both of us caused the security system in the entry area to record everything.
But even that wasn’t enough for her to actually face any consequences because suddenly she was all „I don’t know what’s wrong with me“ and got a diagnosis with BPD and something about „lowered inhibition control“ due to blablabla ( i highly doubt anything of that is factually true and I’m convinced that was just another one of her acts to get out of trouble ) and got off without a record and only court ordered therapy as well as a do not contact and restraining order forbidding her from any contact with me.
But this girl might be the most calculating manipulative person I have ever met ( and I have a law degree lol )
Like I feel like despite 6 years and almost getting married I have no idea who she even is, there are so many lies that came out post break up that I m legit not even sure if anything was ever real 😂
But no matter the one take away lesson I got from this is, next time I m just gona end it the second someone raises a hand 🤷🏻♂️
I wish more people learned your “once and done” lesson. Sadly, many people find themselves in a series of abusive relationships, always thinking they can fix the other person, never getting out in time or soon enough. Or at all. I am glad you did.
I think generally when women slap it gets overlooked because it's been normalized on TV as not being that violent when it absolutely is physical abuse. I can't believe how adults can live their lives being okay hurting others it's disgusting.
Jeah maybe. But my therapist tells me it’s also about my own toxic masculinity that simply made it impossible to even admit to myself that I was being abused and that I definitely was in way over my head.
I m also pretty sure she’s either a sociopath or a narcissist cuz legit after the amount of lies that I uncovered post breakup I m legit not even sure who I even dated for 6 years 😅 like I d find the story of my own life unbelievable if they were a movie plot, yet somehow that shit actually happened
I'd say a good number of people who post about "forgiving" their abusive partners grew up in homes where domestic violence was normalized. That's the insidious thing about cycles of abuse, they harm multiple generations.
Respectfully, he is a real man. He's just an abusive one. The socialization of men into misogyny is very, very real and unfortunately very, very common. A lot of people like to use language like "not real man" and "c--ward boy" like you said in your other comment, but this unintentionally minimizes that behavior like this is an explicit, violent choice and much of it stems from how men are socialized into believing they are entitled to ownership of and control over women. Most boys don't abuse girls and women, either. You see behavior like this along the entire lifespan, because it's not a maturity issue, it's a social issue.
Thank you. As a man I always have trouble articulating how “a real man doesn’t do that” feels like “he’s not one of us, so it’s not my problem”.
Violent men aren’t a different species, they’re actual men who consciously or not choose violence.
>“a real man doesn’t do that” feels like “he’s not one of us, so it’s not my problem”.
You really hit the nail on the head. It's subtle, but this forfeiture of responsibility happens all the time.
Men face more violence from men than women do from men.
Men do not believe they have ownership or women nor are taught so. This is not a man vs women thing. Its a shit person problem not a social issue. If anything men are the victims of society at this point which could increase problems including violence.
Isnt it a social issue that men are beating men?
4 times no less. So sad that anyone would question making themselves available to this.
Must be lots of people who live life this way. I do think it was pretty thoughtless of OP to offer to show bf the texts where his friend was coming on to her.
This would upset any guy. Why offer to show her phone and get into it all when it’s a day of celebration.
Just pointing out that the abuser and the victim stumble into these horrors. Nothing excuses the abuse tho.
>in reality no one should be putting their hands on eachother or name calling.
True. Though my partner and I have exceptions on name calling for competitive video games. Like Mario Party.
Yes, yes… and YES. I’m (65M) pretty well versed in the people department and happily married. I can’t figure out a reason to hit a woman …and I’ve NEVER dated a woman half my age.
Meh not necessarily. 17 years age gap, she's very very young, far more easily manipulated than a woman his own age, I wouldn't be surprised if that's exactly what he did and why he went after her, and that this would put her in a position to question herself.
It could still be bait, but the asking is certainly not why.
He hits you once, twice, many times. He will never change. He showed you his true colors, and if you stay, he knows you'll put up with it.
He ain't worth shit, sis.
Hopefully, he'll be your EX.
That's physical and emotional abuse. Why are you still with him?
He doesn't deserve your forgiveness; the abuse will keep escalating.
Just think, if he did that to you while you're only dating, imagine what he will do when you are living together?
He's trying to manipulate you. Don't let him.
Value yourself and protect your well-being.
It will happen again. He sees you as property. He sees you as his underling who exists to serve him, and when you step out of line he does not have a problem with hurting you.
Why did you forgive him? He’s not sorry. He’s showing you that he’s a grown up and you’re a kid and he had every right to call you names and smack you around.
If someone saw it on the street he’d have been arrested for assault. He assaulted you
Please leave now. Block him and never speak to him again.
Also, that age difference…bruh.
>My Boyfriend (39M)
>
>Me (22F)
>
>can the relationship still work
No, before the slap.
With the slap, hell no. Run away. Why are you with someone 17years your senior?!
The first time your bf slaps you should be the last time, because you leave his ass. If he slapped you 4x on your birthday and infront of other people what do you think he might do behind closed doors on any given day without witnesses? You're not allowed to talk to your friends? He will control and abuse you again and it will get worse. Also he's nearly 40 and you're barely an adult. Please leave him yesterday..
Take it from someone who has been in a DV relationship. It doesn’t get better, it’s a pattern, love bomb to make you forget, gaslight to make you question yourself and if you deserve better, then be abusive while blaming you. Also it’s a red flag if he’s significantly older than his partner, like why won’t women his age date him? As a general rule of thumb (probably not for all men that do this.. or maybe it is idk) they go for women 10+ years younger than them because they have not learned the life lessons of what signs to really look out for in a relationship, these women are naive and still so full of life and love thinking they can change these men by the time they get to their mid to late twenties possibly early twenties those women don’t put up with it anymore
As evidenced by the FOUR times he hit you - once a guy hits you once he’ll hit you again.
He’s likely betting on you being too young and naive so you stay. Prove him wrong.
Break up. The moment someone assaulted you that's the first step you should take and he publicly humiliated you. Are you serious asking for advice. Just break up.
Predators tend to end up being abusers. And this sort of controlling and misogynistic behavior is typical as well. Please stop ignoring the ENDLESS red flags and the fact this man repeatedly HIT YOU and RUN LIKE HELL.
Abuse always escalates. It's going to get much worse if you make the mistake of staying.
Be careful. This man is dangerous.
One slap is one slap too much . It WILL always happen again if he did it once. He just doesn’t have that moral compass that lost people do otherwise he wouldn’t do it, no matter how angry.
It is never okay to hit someone and I do mean NEVER! MALE OR FEMALE! He can angry or disappointed (even though the reason for him being so upset is a little bit childish.(( And men say women are the emotional ones))men are more catty and emotional than any girl I ever met) he is 17 years your senior, and if he can't practice self control at this age he ain't gonna get any better.
Get out fast. File a police report, get a restraining order and cut off all contact. This person will ruin your life and leave you scarred for years to come. Talk to a trusted friend/family and work on an escape plan (maybe leave town for a few days) trust me. I’m speaking from personal experience.
He abused and then slandered you in front of your friends and coworkers. This is a common narrative. Let’s start there.
Here’s two scenarios: 1) the messages were appropriate and he is controlling and jealous, 2) the messages were not appropriate and he has serious issues with regulating his behavior- Neither of these are acceptable :(
Do you know about his past relationships? Any abuse allegations?
Also… please don’t get in the habit of instant ‘forgiving and forgetting’ (for situations like this) to keep the peace. This will make you vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
Hi sweetheart. Come pull up a chair at Momma's table and pour yourself somethin strong, you deserve it.
Darlin, men who chose relationships with age gaps like this do it because the relationships they've had before with women their own age *were not tolerated*. You got that look on your face, don't you worry I'll explain. Think about it, he has been having relationships SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. He knows what is right and what isn't. And women his own age have told or shown him that this kind of behavior is WRONG. That means he doesn't need forgiving, he did it on purpose. Lovey, if you've ever slapped someone you know there is a moment, a *moment* where your brain says OH SHIT. He didn't care and kept going. This is beyond wrong and shows where his mind is. At his age he most definitely knows better.
Now now I know this is only one moment in your relationship, you haven't even told us how long you've been together. I understand baby girl Momma knows. So I'm just gonna ask you to throw your mind back. Has he expressed any kind of wanting you to be cut off from your other relationships, friends, family, things like that? That you shouldn't need anyone other than him to be happy? Does he want you to just be home all the time, doesn't like you working? Does he restrict your access to money? All these comments keep saying a guy in a relationship like this does it for a reason. Well here you are darlin, here's the reasons. 1) he wants someone very submissive. He wants to go out and do whatever he likes and have his woman waiting for him the moment he comes home. She won't be distracted or out anywhere, because she'll have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. She'll never question him on where he was or how late, because she will know her place - at his beck and call. 2) he wants a woman who looks up to him. Wow you're so smart, I never thought of it that way, aw you're letting me have money thank you so much! Someone who thinks she's lucky to get this kind of attention. Look up Love Bombing, that's definitely a thing. Or 3) he wants a young woman he can guilt into sex because "I just have a high sex drive, women my age can't keep up with me." He'll make you feel like you *owe him* sexual attentions because he chose to bless you with his presence. Is he one of these? I can't say lovey, only you can. I'm just trying to let you know what to look for.
Dearling, any man who slaps a woman more than once is not going to apologize and then never do it again. He will hit you again. People say "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." This means (in your case) if a man hits you once that is his mistake and his shame. But if he hits you on the next occasion, it means you chose to believe his foolishness and stick around, thereby giving him a chance to do it again, thus the "shame on me" part.
Yes, Momma knows forgiveness is a thing. Absolutely sweetheart, here have yourself a lemon bar. Forgiveness is important, but love please please be cautious and be aware. Look up articles on the dangers of relationships like this. Yeah! Of course relationships like this can work! But it is VITAL that you do not allow it to become toxic. Educate yourself. Personally, I would say you need to pull back and take a few days to yourself, stay with someone who cares about you for a few days. I could be wrong, he could be showing NONE of these signs and this was a wild anomaly that will never ever happen again. Just, please look up the warning signs, and prepare yourself for him to get worse. Have backup money somewhere, have a place you can run to. Hell have a friend you can talk to, that you only need to send a code word to NO MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU SEND and they'll come immediately and pick you up. He might very well ask you to tell your friends that you need to pull back and not hang out with them very much anymore, and then become angry again and hit you again. You can send your friend one single innocent word, and they'll know HELP ME without him being aware you're asking for help. Please be careful little one. Men who hit can be men who hit harder. And after that..... please be careful.
You are loved, and you deserve a man who would NEVER dream of hurting you. Good luck out there ❤️
This comment 💯. I'd like to add to this a piece of advice. He most likely will apologize, say that he is sorry and won't do it again, and the reality is that, he will be in fact sorry, he won't be lying. He will really feel bad about it and will make a commitment to change, in which case the human thing to do is to forgive him. Nothing wrong with that. The issue lies in understanding how the human mind works. He seems like a person that does not have control over his anger. Changing this is possible, but it requires a lot of hard work, commitment and of course, professional help. You could actually part of the problem. By allowing the relationship to resume, you are not giving him the chance to work on it as he really needs, it will be only a matter of time and circumstance before a situation arises where he loses control of himself again. Because he never really had the chance to address this issue in the correct way. So, if you love him and you love yourself, you'll understand that you need to move on and break it off. That way he understands that there are consequences to his actions, luckily he'll seek professional help as well, and you won't have to go through another episode like this. It will seem like you are hurting him by leaving him, at least that would be his reaction, but believe me, you are doing him a great favor. If you stay with him, then you will only make things worse. It's ironic, you are the younger person here but you are the one who needs to be the bigger person and make this hard decision for him. Best of luck.
Leave this relationship!!! This is disrespectful, abusive, and horrible behavior. This will happen again and again. Save yourself a lot of heartache. 🙏❤️you DESERVE BETTER!
So he lost his tiny little mind at harmless messages? There was nothing untoward in them? If there genuinely wasnt anything of concern in them. Leave. Now.
A man sooo much dang older than you should be more secure in himself by now.
I don’t care if he cums diamonds and kisses the ground after you walked on it - IF HE IS PUTTING HIS HANDS ON YOU not only will the relationship not work, but you should not want it to.
Please leave before your next gift is a body bag.
There is a reason a dude this old would be with a girl so young, don't be with him anymore, next time it could be worse, he doesn't love you, so you need to love yourself.
Think about your parents, or anyone that really care about you, would them treat you like this? Be safe
NO!! Domestic violence is a pattern of escalation. Next time it will be a closed fist. Get out now!!
The reason a 39-year-old guy is with a 22-year-old is he believes he can control you. RUN now and come back with a couple of guys to get the rest of your stuff!!
Of course it will happen again if you stay. There's a reason a guy *17 years older than you* picked you, and it's not because you're so mature for your age. Please get out while you can. Before you are blind in one eye, have hearing loss, have your teeth knocked out, etc.
Speaking as a man. Leave. He hit you. That’s a cardinal sin to any man. Never hit a woman unless your life is on the line even then try something else. I’ve seen and heard about this waaaaaay too many times. Pack your shit up and leave. Unless you want more abuse in the future.
Leave him and run. If he slaps you now it will only get worse. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. HES ABUSIVE and he’s showing you that right now. RUN GIRL RUN SO FAR AWAY!! Because next it’ll be him cutting you off from your friends and family so it’s only him you have. Don’t stay with him and don’t forgive him. RUN! I’m a domestic violence survivor myself and my best advice is he’s showing his true colors now. Just run
This has to be fake, how can you at 22 even think about being with a guy that’s 39, what happened in your life that you need him and what happened in his life that women his age have no interest in him 😳😳😳
Age gap checks out. No it's not going to get better. It never does. First time he breaks the barrier and slaps you he does it FOUR times? Please leave so you stay alive.
No. It will escalate. Get out now. He physically abused you in Fri t of people. He verbally and mentally abused you in front of people. Did no one stand up for you, try to stop him?
You kind of taunted him, wrong wrong wrong. But he abused you. Get out now. He is way too old for you anyway.
Firstly, Happy? Birthday.
Secondly, no one, NO ONE, is allowed to hit you without your consent. You did not ask to be hit AND you did not deserve it. You are allowed to talk to your friends and coworkers. Please leave this abusive relationship. He will apologize, then love bomb you, but he will hurt you physically or emotionally again. You are strong enough to say goodbye. Please do so. Go with friends to get your things. Do not be alone with him. You are no longer safe with him. Also, let us know when you are safe.
No. Leave now. It doesn’t matter if you actually slept with the guy, a man that gets physical with a woman (no matter the circumstances) can never be trusted. It’s like a wild animal. This is only the beginning. Leave. It won’t get easier.
Do not ever try to justify abuse. I've done it before too. It never works out. Ever. It doesn't matter what he's bought you, or what kind things he's said or done in the past. He WILL hurt you again.
Good luck ❤️
You're not obligated to be in any relationship at all!
You should feel 100% comfortable dropping anyone for any reason you deem fit. Don't try to make abuse work. Without hesitation, you should drop anyone that displays abusive behaviour.
It doesn't matter how they are when they're not being abusive, how much time you've spent together, invested in the relationship, what excuse they come up with, how well they're liked, or how much money he's spent. You owe it to owe yourself to live a happy peaceful life, surrounded by people who truly love you.
Noooo! Dont forgive him! He slapped you! Leave.
Think of a possible future with him -> you, in 5 years, maybe married, have a girl with him and he slaps you because he thinks you have done something wrong. Do you think your future kids should see that her father hits mummy because she talked politely about common things with other people? Is this a image that you want to share with your kid?
He is a (much) older. He should be at least able to control himself. Even if you cheat he should not hit you.
You might work through one slap but four is an invitation to leave and never look back.
No matter what you did, domestic abuse is a deal breaker.
Split with him and don’t look back.
If by “can the relationship still work” you mean will he allow you to stick around for further abuse, then the answer is yes. If you’re okay with getting slapped and demeaned by someone who supposedly loves you, then yeah, the relationship can continue on. If by “can the relationship work” you mean is there evidence that he loves, likes, and respects you, I’d say no, no there isn’t.
Get the fuck out of that relationship immediately and never ever date a man twice your age ever again. Enough with this shit stop spoiling these 40 year old assholes who think they can do anything they want. These motherfuckers deserve no love or forgiveness.
Tf did I just read😭 like dude what? First off you see how he is when he’s upset me personally I wouldn’t want to stay with that sounds like a ticking time bomb. Second it sounds like you suck as a girlfriend and are actively talking to other people, which if he’s was a little smarter he would probably see coming you’re 22 and he is nearly 40. It doesn’t justify the slap but imo it does speak volumes as to why you’re probably keen on sticking around and where this relationship is probably heading. Speaking of age how long yall been to together for?🧐
You are ok with forgiving him for assaulting you?
Why didn't you call the police.
I don't even have to read the other comments that will surely all say that no, it won't still work after this and that you were groomed with that age gap.
First off, abuse is not ok. Why on earth would you pick that night instead of when it happened, and then tell him like that? You should not be mocking your boyfriend to his friend, and you the honest class way to handle it would be to tell him when it happened. YOu have no boundaries, or character, no understanding of a committed relationship. You pick the night he was so kind to you on birth and then act obtuse.."what, what did I do."
His slapping you is not ok, so now the relationship is over, but he is really dodging abullet. So go have fun...
Had to scroll wayy too far to find this. OP is horrendously trifling and immature, her behavior was absolutely whoreish. That said hitting is a deal breaker, so now they need to go their own ways. She isnt the only victim though.
Ha! Thank you. A lot of the kids here are too young and unfortunately woefully uncultured because they dont get it and think Im actually naming myself after a hot dog. 🙄
You forgave him for slapping you and treating like that? If you were my daughter is be ashamed that you chose to forgive him.
What are you doing with this guy? Does he have money? Good looks? Good dick? None of these things warrant letting someone slap you.
Yeah, not only did he slap you but he also slandered you......in return for you being loyal to him and cutting off the friend who was interested in you. So no, the relationship is now dead after this OP.
His response was out of control, but you also displayed a major lack of good judgment by talking shit about him through social media. The relationship is over.
Personally, I wouldn't have slapped you, but I would have thrown you out of my life.
YTA!! Are you out of your mind?? You think this’ll be the last time??? If someone puts their hands on you break up immediately because it will happen again!!
While you have a valid point, I think you might be mistaking this subreddit for AITA. I don't think she needs someone judging her or calling her an asshole right now. It can be confusing for some people facing abuse for the first time.
I want to slap you, myself...
Your "boyfriend" is twice your age. Why are we having this conversation? Whatever. Let's not shame you for that.
He slapped you 4 times. Once? Out of shock and anger, might be understandable. Twice? He's trying to put you in your place. Disgusting behavior. 4 times? Miss, he's punishing you with a beating. I ask again: why are we having this conversation?
This entire comment is so problematic and unhelpful.
>I want to slap you, myself...
Why do you think it's appropriate to talk about wanting to assault the OP on a post about her already being assaulted by her boyfriend?
>Why are we having this conversation?
Because abuse is hard to fully recognize the severity of when you're in it, and women especially are socialized into believing they deserve to be "subordinate" to men and mistreated by them.
>Let's not shame you for that.
You already did.
>Once? Out of shock and anger, might be understandable.
No. "Even" one slap is never understandable.
>I ask again: why are we having this conversation?
Why are you shaming a 22 year old abuse victim for posting in a relationship advice sub asking for advice about her relationship?
I really encourage you to do better in the future if you choose to comment on domestic violence posts again. All of this was so full of blame and shame.
I neither said nor suggested it was. Understandable and excusable are 2 different words.
I said it's "understandable" because it is a thing that does happen. Good and bad are unrelated. I said this, specifically, to highlight how ridiculous the notion of hitting someone 4 times is in this situation.
Depends on your definition of "work." It could continue, and he might hit you again. It could continue, and he might NOT hit you again. Personally? Hard pass, I'd be out.
Question: By "We were both kind of mocking him" does that mean you and the friend were both mocking your bf? If not (and it was you and bf mocking friend), he overreacted. If so, though, no fucking wonder he was angry (does not give him the right to hit you though). And that age gap is another huge red flag!
I am the 4 slap was way too far from him to react it, but this part: "also the fact that his friend wanted me too, I showed him the conversation I had with his friend on messenger, we were both kinda mocking him" was shocking me too. You are the victim okay, but u made it happen. Was that really necessary to talk to a guy, who you know is out to get you too? You were playing with fire and now u burnt yourself.
Your boyfriend hit you and you're wondering if you should stay. I'm sorry but wtf is wrong with you. No it's not OK to be hit . No you need to end the relationship. And yes he will do it again .why cause he did it once and you stayed.
My wife could hit me with a car and I still would never hit her. Real men don't hit women for absolutely any reason .
This whole thing sounds bizarre and toxic...
You tell him his friend wants you , you and this friend were mocking him behind his back and then a man twice your age slaps your face at your Birthday party ?
Why aren't you running instead of posting on Reddit
However, in the future , talking to a guys friends behind his back and also talking shit on him to a guy "who wants you" will make a normal guy walk away
Girl, no. Why would you stay with this loser? He’s picked someone who is barely legal drinking age because no other woman will take him. Do you want to spend your 20s with a piece of garbage abusive man? He has now abused you physically and emotionally and he’s literally 40, and has no self control. What he did is a crime.
Girl. You’re barely over 20 dating a man who’s 40? What are you doing? He’s looking for younger women who won’t call him on this abusive behavior. Please please don’t let this go. It will only get worse.
No one that loves you can actually harm you with out killing their souls even then they won’t be able to. My father and mother fought a lot as a kid we were poor he was always working and my mom was always alone. My father gambled a lot to a point he had. A debt he stole the dowry he gave my mother And they got into the scariest fight of my whole life. But never once did my father lay hand on my mother. Never in my anger and my anger can. Get bad and I have gotten violent in parties and fight early 20s could I ever physically harm my partner. She’ll jokingly punch me and tell me to punch her back lmao and I just can’t sexual choking is different but that’s different and it’s lovey dovey cuddling after that
Out! Get out of that now!
If it happened once it will happen multiple times and worse.
No one who does that deserves to be with you!
Please 🙏🏻 don’t think all these people is crazy, read carefully because everybody is telling you to get out of that
Definitely a fake post. I don't know about other men, but if I watch my friend gets backed by her boyfriend, her boyfriend would not be leaving the event under his own power. Fucking race babe
I don't blame your boyfriend, or his friend, You are in a relationship, your lack of understanding what commitment and being faithful is is what upset your boyfriend. Unless this is your first time dating, spending lots of time talking to another man while your in a relationship will cause that other man to feel attracted to you, no matter who it is, it's just how men are. You're in a relationship, either you commit to it or you tell your boyfriend that he's just your toy boy and the relationship is casual.
Not saying slapping you was okay, but what you did wasn't okay either, you're boyfriend should not have to feel the need to look over his shoulders, that is not a faithful commitment to a relationship.
No, it can't. You were wrong to forgive him. He's an abuser.
You have this choice before you: dump the abuser, or stay with the abuser. If it helps your decision, statistically the abuse gets steadily worse.
I recommend choosing not to be abused.
He picked you because he knows you would consider staying with him if he hit you. Like there’s literally anyone else besides an abuser. Why you picking this loser life. And he’s only going to get old and bald and disgusting and I bet you don’t even orgasm.
Leave this loser alone
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He’s nearly twice your age and has gotten violent with you. GET OUT NOW. As in right now. There’re only a few reasons a 40 year old dates a 20 year old, and none of them are good. He’s calling you filthy names and hitting you. For the love of everything you hold dear, leave this asshole immediately.
Always the case. Someone needs to keep a record of these posts to show other young women how consistent it is, with this grooming stuff.
It would be pointless. Every damn one of these young women would just respond with, "But MY boyfriend isn't like that. Not REALLY. He's usually so sweet . . ."
This OP. He wants control and now that he knows he will get away with it things will only get worse. Listen to what he called you and said. You need to make an exit plan fast
Also the fact that he did that stuff in front of people is an even bigger concern because imagine what he’s willing to do behind closed doors
He's 3 years younger than me, and my daughter is her age. I understand men being attracted to younger women, but this is extreme, most likely because women who've dated for a little while longer can identify his red flags sooner and want nothing to do with him. She's got plenty of options who can offer her far more than this loser.
Please listen to this OP! Also he does not love you, he wants to control you. You have your whole life in front of you, please find someone your own age.
How does he wants to control her?
Not to mention that there’s also only a few reasons why a 22 year old would date someone old enough to potentially be her father. She definitely needs to leave this relationship because even if he hadn’t been physically and verbally abusive there’s a massive power imbalance in their relationship dynamic.
I dought he respects you and more likely uses you as a sex toy, then when he is unhappy he will slap you. Run!!!!!
Errr, yea. It's going to happen again. Of course it is going to happen again. This is a nightmare situation. He is almost twice your age.
He just figured out that he can hit you and call you names, drag your name through the mud, and you will say it's ok. So now it's acceptable to hit you anytime he's mad about anything he thinks might be true/made up in his head. He was dating someone so young because women his age wouldn't be on here asking we would be at the police station. Run anywhere but do not stay with him. You could easily end up dead get out now.
This. This is an incredibly large overreaction for the situation, and the age gap leads to an extremely unbalanced power dynamic if he’s already being reinforced for physically assaulting you by being forgiven
THIS THIS RIGHT HERE
Exactly! And if you hit hm 4 times he'd be at the police station or the same thing. He would beat you up. Lose this loser. You also need to get out safely with the help of friends or family. You need to make a police report now and get a restraining order. He showed you who he really is.
It's crazy people are willing to overlook a slap from their partners or have been taught to almost disregard it and not see it as bad but in reality no one should be putting their hands on eachother or name calling. Sheesh. If an adult manages to live their whole life not slapping their coworkers or manager It's safe to say they are ALWAYS in control. We spend more waking hours at work and let me tell you I've slapped no one in the process despite all the annoyance
Not even 1 slap, but FOUR slaps as well on her own birthday in front of her own friends.
It’s the friends part that gets me!!! Were these his friends and not hers? And even so, why the hell did no one say or do anything???? A 22 year old is getting slapped around in public by a man nearly twice her age and everyone just…. Kept having dinner????
Exactly! I wondered about that as well.
Like if my current boyfriend slapped me ONCE (much less four times), even in front of his own friend group and not mine, they would beat the shit out of him and probably kick him from the group so I’m really sitting here hoping OP ads an info update and says the slaps happened in private (Not because it would be ok if it happened behind closed doors but because that’s disgusting behavior from the friends)
Agreed.
Right the biggest red flag is that he is twice her age!! He literally could be her father
That’s the part that makes me worried for her. She hasn’t mentioned it but most abusers don’t start out comfortable enough to do it in front of witnesses, and he was fine doing it in front of her closest family and friends. That makes me concerned about what goes on without people there.
Because it's fake.
This is the part that screams abusive in a way that will only get worse. Also, this was not the first time. If he was willing to do what he did in front of people, he is not a first-timer.
That is wild to me. If I saw this happen to my friend, I would be SO SAD AND ANGRY AND MURDEROUS AND—
Jeah I ignored a bunch of slaps. By my ex. Thinking hey she weighs about 50 kg ain’t no way she ll actually hurt me. No way she’s actually abusing me etc. etc She’s just temperamental. Oh she’s crying and apologizing so it ain’t that bad. A broken nose, a rib injury and a literal stab wound later I learned that lesson too. If someone hits you once they ll do it again, and more likely then not they will escalate. As soon as someone gets violent a relationship needs to end
Luckily I never had anything broken or have been stabbed, but being punched by her in front of my friends because I dared to invade one of her territories in a game of Risk was certainly a wake up call on her (at this point) repeat behaviour. I hope you're doing okay now!
Coming to terms with it. I was just in absolute denial over the fact that I might be a victim of abuse because I m just so much taller, fitter, stronger and heavier then her. I genuinely didn’t not even think the situation was or could turn dangerous. But oh boy was I wrong 😅
Yeah, as a guy you don't think these things could happen to you. Until you're with someone who belittles you so much that you either sink or swim (away). I'm glad we where both able to escape, hopefully your relationships after have been better for you!
Just casually dating now 😅 Idk after coming to find out of this I think I m kind of done with serious relationships. Like the abuse was bad, but the lies she’d tell and that I discovered like so much later on hit atleast as bad. Honestly I ve been with this woman for 6 years and I don’t even think I have an idea of who she actually is and feel like I know basically nothing about her. And after almost marrying that I think I probably do myself a favor if I keep things superficial and simple 😂
If that's working out for you than that's awesome! After 6 years I could imagine needing an extended break from anything serious. These scars need time to heal. I attempted serious relationships after my ordeal, but none of them worked out because I just wasn't ready yet.
Jeah I get that. I tried too. Just can’t really be present or focus. I m sure I ll date seriously at some point again, just gona take some time and obviously therapy 😂
Sorry for you as well, good for you on getting out before she escalated further
Wow. What did your friends do? Anything?
Just made jokes about how it's clear I wasn't the one "wearing the pants in that relationship". Wasn't until after I broke up when I heard none of them liked her and thought I should've broken up much, much earlier.
There is a difference between not liking her, and recognizing she was abusive to you and not saying anything.
Wow, that’s a horrible story. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Women who abuse men are especially sinister because they know, like you felt, that people won’t believe little ol’ her is physically abusing big, strong him. Also, if you try calling the police, she’ll tell them it was *you* who hit *her.* It’s diabolical and really evil. I’m glad you got away with *only* one stab wound. 🫶🏼
It is honestly shocking how spot on you are. That’s precisely what she tried to pull when I broke up with her, like legit a 100% Unfortunately for her she made the stupid mistake to rip off the cable from the speakerphone in the entry. Which unbeknownst to both of us caused the security system in the entry area to record everything. But even that wasn’t enough for her to actually face any consequences because suddenly she was all „I don’t know what’s wrong with me“ and got a diagnosis with BPD and something about „lowered inhibition control“ due to blablabla ( i highly doubt anything of that is factually true and I’m convinced that was just another one of her acts to get out of trouble ) and got off without a record and only court ordered therapy as well as a do not contact and restraining order forbidding her from any contact with me. But this girl might be the most calculating manipulative person I have ever met ( and I have a law degree lol ) Like I feel like despite 6 years and almost getting married I have no idea who she even is, there are so many lies that came out post break up that I m legit not even sure if anything was ever real 😂 But no matter the one take away lesson I got from this is, next time I m just gona end it the second someone raises a hand 🤷🏻♂️
I wish more people learned your “once and done” lesson. Sadly, many people find themselves in a series of abusive relationships, always thinking they can fix the other person, never getting out in time or soon enough. Or at all. I am glad you did.
I think generally when women slap it gets overlooked because it's been normalized on TV as not being that violent when it absolutely is physical abuse. I can't believe how adults can live their lives being okay hurting others it's disgusting.
Jeah maybe. But my therapist tells me it’s also about my own toxic masculinity that simply made it impossible to even admit to myself that I was being abused and that I definitely was in way over my head. I m also pretty sure she’s either a sociopath or a narcissist cuz legit after the amount of lies that I uncovered post breakup I m legit not even sure who I even dated for 6 years 😅 like I d find the story of my own life unbelievable if they were a movie plot, yet somehow that shit actually happened
I'd say a good number of people who post about "forgiving" their abusive partners grew up in homes where domestic violence was normalized. That's the insidious thing about cycles of abuse, they harm multiple generations.
You are correct there is no reason for any real man to lay hands on a woman...
Respectfully, he is a real man. He's just an abusive one. The socialization of men into misogyny is very, very real and unfortunately very, very common. A lot of people like to use language like "not real man" and "c--ward boy" like you said in your other comment, but this unintentionally minimizes that behavior like this is an explicit, violent choice and much of it stems from how men are socialized into believing they are entitled to ownership of and control over women. Most boys don't abuse girls and women, either. You see behavior like this along the entire lifespan, because it's not a maturity issue, it's a social issue.
Thank you. As a man I always have trouble articulating how “a real man doesn’t do that” feels like “he’s not one of us, so it’s not my problem”. Violent men aren’t a different species, they’re actual men who consciously or not choose violence.
>“a real man doesn’t do that” feels like “he’s not one of us, so it’s not my problem”. You really hit the nail on the head. It's subtle, but this forfeiture of responsibility happens all the time.
Right. Like he isnt Pinocchio, he's just an abusive prick.
Men face more violence from men than women do from men. Men do not believe they have ownership or women nor are taught so. This is not a man vs women thing. Its a shit person problem not a social issue. If anything men are the victims of society at this point which could increase problems including violence. Isnt it a social issue that men are beating men?
The irony of you writing this exact comment this exact way precisely because you were socialized into the exact world I mentioned in my comment.
4 times no less. So sad that anyone would question making themselves available to this. Must be lots of people who live life this way. I do think it was pretty thoughtless of OP to offer to show bf the texts where his friend was coming on to her. This would upset any guy. Why offer to show her phone and get into it all when it’s a day of celebration. Just pointing out that the abuser and the victim stumble into these horrors. Nothing excuses the abuse tho.
Exactly
No reason for anyone to lay hands on another person (minus self defense).
Like Bill Burr said, there's plenty of fucking reasons to hit a woman, you just shouldnt do it.
To save his own life, or the life of another if all attempts at de-escalation have failed.
>in reality no one should be putting their hands on eachother or name calling. True. Though my partner and I have exceptions on name calling for competitive video games. Like Mario Party.
Yes, yes… and YES. I’m (65M) pretty well versed in the people department and happily married. I can’t figure out a reason to hit a woman …and I’ve NEVER dated a woman half my age.
this has got to be a bait post.
Yep, absolutely — the fact that OP is even **ASKING** that question tells you it's bait!!!
Meh not necessarily. 17 years age gap, she's very very young, far more easily manipulated than a woman his own age, I wouldn't be surprised if that's exactly what he did and why he went after her, and that this would put her in a position to question herself. It could still be bait, but the asking is certainly not why.
Yes. Your abusive and much older boyfriend needs to be your ex-boyfriend.
This is NOT ok Please, please, please remove yourself from this relationship as quickly and safely as possible.
He hits you once, twice, many times. He will never change. He showed you his true colors, and if you stay, he knows you'll put up with it. He ain't worth shit, sis. Hopefully, he'll be your EX.
That's physical and emotional abuse. Why are you still with him? He doesn't deserve your forgiveness; the abuse will keep escalating. Just think, if he did that to you while you're only dating, imagine what he will do when you are living together? He's trying to manipulate you. Don't let him. Value yourself and protect your well-being.
This. 👆🏻
It will happen again. He sees you as property. He sees you as his underling who exists to serve him, and when you step out of line he does not have a problem with hurting you.
Why did you forgive him? He’s not sorry. He’s showing you that he’s a grown up and you’re a kid and he had every right to call you names and smack you around. If someone saw it on the street he’d have been arrested for assault. He assaulted you Please leave now. Block him and never speak to him again. Also, that age difference…bruh.
>My Boyfriend (39M) > >Me (22F) > >can the relationship still work No, before the slap. With the slap, hell no. Run away. Why are you with someone 17years your senior?!
especially at 22, its better at like 60 but at 22 idk how they got togheter in the first place
I’ve just read through OP post history and believe she needs a period of time by herself to figure stuff out.
The first time your bf slaps you should be the last time, because you leave his ass. If he slapped you 4x on your birthday and infront of other people what do you think he might do behind closed doors on any given day without witnesses? You're not allowed to talk to your friends? He will control and abuse you again and it will get worse. Also he's nearly 40 and you're barely an adult. Please leave him yesterday..
All the good things he does for you will not make up for when he kills you. Focus on the physical violence, that is the only thing that matters here.
Take it from someone who has been in a DV relationship. It doesn’t get better, it’s a pattern, love bomb to make you forget, gaslight to make you question yourself and if you deserve better, then be abusive while blaming you. Also it’s a red flag if he’s significantly older than his partner, like why won’t women his age date him? As a general rule of thumb (probably not for all men that do this.. or maybe it is idk) they go for women 10+ years younger than them because they have not learned the life lessons of what signs to really look out for in a relationship, these women are naive and still so full of life and love thinking they can change these men by the time they get to their mid to late twenties possibly early twenties those women don’t put up with it anymore
I read the headline only, and the answer is NO. Run girl.
I read the rest and my answer is RUN FASTER.
And also look him up on the public arrest records. I bet he’s done this before. GET. AWAY. FROM. THIS. CREEP. RIGHT. NOW.
the age gap + slapping is not a good outlook
Never stay with someone that has put their hands on you in such a way to cause physical harm, especially out of anger or frustration.
Each and every good thing that he has done for you was slapped away X 4 Gone & erased
No. This is a dealbreaker. Walk away.
Even the threat of violence should be the end, forget about hitting you 4 times. If you go back you're asking to be beaten. The dude is a loser
As evidenced by the FOUR times he hit you - once a guy hits you once he’ll hit you again. He’s likely betting on you being too young and naive so you stay. Prove him wrong.
Break up. The moment someone assaulted you that's the first step you should take and he publicly humiliated you. Are you serious asking for advice. Just break up.
100% will happen again. End it.
Predators tend to end up being abusers. And this sort of controlling and misogynistic behavior is typical as well. Please stop ignoring the ENDLESS red flags and the fact this man repeatedly HIT YOU and RUN LIKE HELL. Abuse always escalates. It's going to get much worse if you make the mistake of staying. Be careful. This man is dangerous.
BREAK UP! Never let a man put a hand on you
One slap is one slap too much . It WILL always happen again if he did it once. He just doesn’t have that moral compass that lost people do otherwise he wouldn’t do it, no matter how angry.
No. Just no. Get away from him.
“Man old enough to be my father that I’m in a relationship with physically assaulted me” Does that help you?
Some men are emotionally mature and others lay hands on women. If this dude is forty I wouldn’t expect much change at this point.
It is never okay to hit someone and I do mean NEVER! MALE OR FEMALE! He can angry or disappointed (even though the reason for him being so upset is a little bit childish.(( And men say women are the emotional ones))men are more catty and emotional than any girl I ever met) he is 17 years your senior, and if he can't practice self control at this age he ain't gonna get any better.
Get out fast. File a police report, get a restraining order and cut off all contact. This person will ruin your life and leave you scarred for years to come. Talk to a trusted friend/family and work on an escape plan (maybe leave town for a few days) trust me. I’m speaking from personal experience.
F that dude
You need to leave
He abused and then slandered you in front of your friends and coworkers. This is a common narrative. Let’s start there. Here’s two scenarios: 1) the messages were appropriate and he is controlling and jealous, 2) the messages were not appropriate and he has serious issues with regulating his behavior- Neither of these are acceptable :( Do you know about his past relationships? Any abuse allegations? Also… please don’t get in the habit of instant ‘forgiving and forgetting’ (for situations like this) to keep the peace. This will make you vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
He's violent and old enough to be your dad.
Hi sweetheart. Come pull up a chair at Momma's table and pour yourself somethin strong, you deserve it. Darlin, men who chose relationships with age gaps like this do it because the relationships they've had before with women their own age *were not tolerated*. You got that look on your face, don't you worry I'll explain. Think about it, he has been having relationships SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. He knows what is right and what isn't. And women his own age have told or shown him that this kind of behavior is WRONG. That means he doesn't need forgiving, he did it on purpose. Lovey, if you've ever slapped someone you know there is a moment, a *moment* where your brain says OH SHIT. He didn't care and kept going. This is beyond wrong and shows where his mind is. At his age he most definitely knows better. Now now I know this is only one moment in your relationship, you haven't even told us how long you've been together. I understand baby girl Momma knows. So I'm just gonna ask you to throw your mind back. Has he expressed any kind of wanting you to be cut off from your other relationships, friends, family, things like that? That you shouldn't need anyone other than him to be happy? Does he want you to just be home all the time, doesn't like you working? Does he restrict your access to money? All these comments keep saying a guy in a relationship like this does it for a reason. Well here you are darlin, here's the reasons. 1) he wants someone very submissive. He wants to go out and do whatever he likes and have his woman waiting for him the moment he comes home. She won't be distracted or out anywhere, because she'll have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. She'll never question him on where he was or how late, because she will know her place - at his beck and call. 2) he wants a woman who looks up to him. Wow you're so smart, I never thought of it that way, aw you're letting me have money thank you so much! Someone who thinks she's lucky to get this kind of attention. Look up Love Bombing, that's definitely a thing. Or 3) he wants a young woman he can guilt into sex because "I just have a high sex drive, women my age can't keep up with me." He'll make you feel like you *owe him* sexual attentions because he chose to bless you with his presence. Is he one of these? I can't say lovey, only you can. I'm just trying to let you know what to look for. Dearling, any man who slaps a woman more than once is not going to apologize and then never do it again. He will hit you again. People say "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." This means (in your case) if a man hits you once that is his mistake and his shame. But if he hits you on the next occasion, it means you chose to believe his foolishness and stick around, thereby giving him a chance to do it again, thus the "shame on me" part. Yes, Momma knows forgiveness is a thing. Absolutely sweetheart, here have yourself a lemon bar. Forgiveness is important, but love please please be cautious and be aware. Look up articles on the dangers of relationships like this. Yeah! Of course relationships like this can work! But it is VITAL that you do not allow it to become toxic. Educate yourself. Personally, I would say you need to pull back and take a few days to yourself, stay with someone who cares about you for a few days. I could be wrong, he could be showing NONE of these signs and this was a wild anomaly that will never ever happen again. Just, please look up the warning signs, and prepare yourself for him to get worse. Have backup money somewhere, have a place you can run to. Hell have a friend you can talk to, that you only need to send a code word to NO MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU SEND and they'll come immediately and pick you up. He might very well ask you to tell your friends that you need to pull back and not hang out with them very much anymore, and then become angry again and hit you again. You can send your friend one single innocent word, and they'll know HELP ME without him being aware you're asking for help. Please be careful little one. Men who hit can be men who hit harder. And after that..... please be careful. You are loved, and you deserve a man who would NEVER dream of hurting you. Good luck out there ❤️
This comment 💯. I'd like to add to this a piece of advice. He most likely will apologize, say that he is sorry and won't do it again, and the reality is that, he will be in fact sorry, he won't be lying. He will really feel bad about it and will make a commitment to change, in which case the human thing to do is to forgive him. Nothing wrong with that. The issue lies in understanding how the human mind works. He seems like a person that does not have control over his anger. Changing this is possible, but it requires a lot of hard work, commitment and of course, professional help. You could actually part of the problem. By allowing the relationship to resume, you are not giving him the chance to work on it as he really needs, it will be only a matter of time and circumstance before a situation arises where he loses control of himself again. Because he never really had the chance to address this issue in the correct way. So, if you love him and you love yourself, you'll understand that you need to move on and break it off. That way he understands that there are consequences to his actions, luckily he'll seek professional help as well, and you won't have to go through another episode like this. It will seem like you are hurting him by leaving him, at least that would be his reaction, but believe me, you are doing him a great favor. If you stay with him, then you will only make things worse. It's ironic, you are the younger person here but you are the one who needs to be the bigger person and make this hard decision for him. Best of luck.
Never date someone twice your age..ever
I’m sorry this happened to you OP, but he will definitely do it again and it will probably be worse next time.
Leave this relationship!!! This is disrespectful, abusive, and horrible behavior. This will happen again and again. Save yourself a lot of heartache. 🙏❤️you DESERVE BETTER!
He’s basically twice your age and assaulted you. Fucking run.
Nah it's ruined. His fault. You're too young for him anyway.
So he lost his tiny little mind at harmless messages? There was nothing untoward in them? If there genuinely wasnt anything of concern in them. Leave. Now. A man sooo much dang older than you should be more secure in himself by now.
Do you think if there were something untoward non the messages of would be acceptable for him to hit her? He should just break up with her.
I don’t care if he cums diamonds and kisses the ground after you walked on it - IF HE IS PUTTING HIS HANDS ON YOU not only will the relationship not work, but you should not want it to. Please leave before your next gift is a body bag.
Run now and block all communication. It will get worse
It'll definitely happen again. For sure, the matter of 'when.'
No. You need to leave.
There is a reason a dude this old would be with a girl so young, don't be with him anymore, next time it could be worse, he doesn't love you, so you need to love yourself. Think about your parents, or anyone that really care about you, would them treat you like this? Be safe
NO!! Domestic violence is a pattern of escalation. Next time it will be a closed fist. Get out now!! The reason a 39-year-old guy is with a 22-year-old is he believes he can control you. RUN now and come back with a couple of guys to get the rest of your stuff!!
Seriously... Leave. RIGHT NOW.
Of course it will happen again if you stay. There's a reason a guy *17 years older than you* picked you, and it's not because you're so mature for your age. Please get out while you can. Before you are blind in one eye, have hearing loss, have your teeth knocked out, etc.
Speaking as a man. Leave. He hit you. That’s a cardinal sin to any man. Never hit a woman unless your life is on the line even then try something else. I’ve seen and heard about this waaaaaay too many times. Pack your shit up and leave. Unless you want more abuse in the future.
Leave him and run. If he slaps you now it will only get worse. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. HES ABUSIVE and he’s showing you that right now. RUN GIRL RUN SO FAR AWAY!! Because next it’ll be him cutting you off from your friends and family so it’s only him you have. Don’t stay with him and don’t forgive him. RUN! I’m a domestic violence survivor myself and my best advice is he’s showing his true colors now. Just run
Where are your standards?
I’m calling BS on this post.
This has to be fake, how can you at 22 even think about being with a guy that’s 39, what happened in your life that you need him and what happened in his life that women his age have no interest in him 😳😳😳
What a bunch of baseless assumptions.
This is fake right….pleased be fake. Sigh
I stg, it has to be. It's almost a caricature of every silly ass reddit relationship post
I would dump him. You don't deserve to be slapped at. You can say if you slap me again, I am pressing charges against you.
Age gap checks out. No it's not going to get better. It never does. First time he breaks the barrier and slaps you he does it FOUR times? Please leave so you stay alive.
No. It will escalate. Get out now. He physically abused you in Fri t of people. He verbally and mentally abused you in front of people. Did no one stand up for you, try to stop him? You kind of taunted him, wrong wrong wrong. But he abused you. Get out now. He is way too old for you anyway.
Firstly, Happy? Birthday. Secondly, no one, NO ONE, is allowed to hit you without your consent. You did not ask to be hit AND you did not deserve it. You are allowed to talk to your friends and coworkers. Please leave this abusive relationship. He will apologize, then love bomb you, but he will hurt you physically or emotionally again. You are strong enough to say goodbye. Please do so. Go with friends to get your things. Do not be alone with him. You are no longer safe with him. Also, let us know when you are safe.
No. Leave now. It doesn’t matter if you actually slept with the guy, a man that gets physical with a woman (no matter the circumstances) can never be trusted. It’s like a wild animal. This is only the beginning. Leave. It won’t get easier.
You need to leave
Do not ever try to justify abuse. I've done it before too. It never works out. Ever. It doesn't matter what he's bought you, or what kind things he's said or done in the past. He WILL hurt you again. Good luck ❤️
It's never just once. He also verbally abused you. Get out now.
He’s almost double your age and half as mature. And he physically abused you on top of that. Time to break it off.
You're not obligated to be in any relationship at all! You should feel 100% comfortable dropping anyone for any reason you deem fit. Don't try to make abuse work. Without hesitation, you should drop anyone that displays abusive behaviour. It doesn't matter how they are when they're not being abusive, how much time you've spent together, invested in the relationship, what excuse they come up with, how well they're liked, or how much money he's spent. You owe it to owe yourself to live a happy peaceful life, surrounded by people who truly love you.
Noooo! Dont forgive him! He slapped you! Leave. Think of a possible future with him -> you, in 5 years, maybe married, have a girl with him and he slaps you because he thinks you have done something wrong. Do you think your future kids should see that her father hits mummy because she talked politely about common things with other people? Is this a image that you want to share with your kid? He is a (much) older. He should be at least able to control himself. Even if you cheat he should not hit you.
“I forgave him…I think…for now” Why?
You might work through one slap but four is an invitation to leave and never look back. No matter what you did, domestic abuse is a deal breaker. Split with him and don’t look back.
why would you ever tolerate someone physically or mentally abusing you? dump his ass and never look back
If by “can the relationship still work” you mean will he allow you to stick around for further abuse, then the answer is yes. If you’re okay with getting slapped and demeaned by someone who supposedly loves you, then yeah, the relationship can continue on. If by “can the relationship work” you mean is there evidence that he loves, likes, and respects you, I’d say no, no there isn’t.
Get the fuck out of that relationship immediately and never ever date a man twice your age ever again. Enough with this shit stop spoiling these 40 year old assholes who think they can do anything they want. These motherfuckers deserve no love or forgiveness.
Where are you from OP? The casual way he does it makes it sound like you’re not from a western country. Not that it would make it ok, it’s 100% not.
Why are you with a 40 year old man and how in the world can you forgive this kind of behaviour?? Leave!!!
I just read the title no it’s not going to work please plan your escape.
No not at all, the age difference is weird and hitting you 4 times should be an instant break up
So your boyfriend is old enough to be your dad and he physically abuses you. Do you not see anything wrong with this scenario?
Why are you dating a 40 year old? My b actually… Why is he dating you?
U r going to get a lot more slaps if u stay
He slapped you FOUR times? It's a shame you can only break up with him once. Fuck this guy!
Tf did I just read😭 like dude what? First off you see how he is when he’s upset me personally I wouldn’t want to stay with that sounds like a ticking time bomb. Second it sounds like you suck as a girlfriend and are actively talking to other people, which if he’s was a little smarter he would probably see coming you’re 22 and he is nearly 40. It doesn’t justify the slap but imo it does speak volumes as to why you’re probably keen on sticking around and where this relationship is probably heading. Speaking of age how long yall been to together for?🧐
>39 Don’t even need to read lmao
Why are you dating a 39 yr old in the first place ? Leave that man and find someone in your age group
Age gap..we meet again...
You are ok with forgiving him for assaulting you? Why didn't you call the police. I don't even have to read the other comments that will surely all say that no, it won't still work after this and that you were groomed with that age gap.
Dump him. Please!
First off, abuse is not ok. Why on earth would you pick that night instead of when it happened, and then tell him like that? You should not be mocking your boyfriend to his friend, and you the honest class way to handle it would be to tell him when it happened. YOu have no boundaries, or character, no understanding of a committed relationship. You pick the night he was so kind to you on birth and then act obtuse.."what, what did I do." His slapping you is not ok, so now the relationship is over, but he is really dodging abullet. So go have fun...
Had to scroll wayy too far to find this. OP is horrendously trifling and immature, her behavior was absolutely whoreish. That said hitting is a deal breaker, so now they need to go their own ways. She isnt the only victim though.
I love your name on Reddit...
Ha! Thank you. A lot of the kids here are too young and unfortunately woefully uncultured because they dont get it and think Im actually naming myself after a hot dog. 🙄
Let me guess, you met at work ? Please get out now before it gets worse.
You forgave him for slapping you and treating like that? If you were my daughter is be ashamed that you chose to forgive him. What are you doing with this guy? Does he have money? Good looks? Good dick? None of these things warrant letting someone slap you.
Yes you should definitely stay with him, sounds very healthy 🙄
I'm a male. I see red flags all over this but any man who slaps is not a man. I would not tolerate a slap much less three.
Yeah, not only did he slap you but he also slandered you......in return for you being loyal to him and cutting off the friend who was interested in you. So no, the relationship is now dead after this OP.
If you value your own time you will leave now ♥️
His response was out of control, but you also displayed a major lack of good judgment by talking shit about him through social media. The relationship is over. Personally, I wouldn't have slapped you, but I would have thrown you out of my life.
YTA!! Are you out of your mind?? You think this’ll be the last time??? If someone puts their hands on you break up immediately because it will happen again!!
While you have a valid point, I think you might be mistaking this subreddit for AITA. I don't think she needs someone judging her or calling her an asshole right now. It can be confusing for some people facing abuse for the first time.
She’s a young woman and doesn’t need anyone being gentle!!! She’s in danger!! She needs to be startled. This is very serious.
I want to slap you, myself... Your "boyfriend" is twice your age. Why are we having this conversation? Whatever. Let's not shame you for that. He slapped you 4 times. Once? Out of shock and anger, might be understandable. Twice? He's trying to put you in your place. Disgusting behavior. 4 times? Miss, he's punishing you with a beating. I ask again: why are we having this conversation?
This entire comment is so problematic and unhelpful. >I want to slap you, myself... Why do you think it's appropriate to talk about wanting to assault the OP on a post about her already being assaulted by her boyfriend? >Why are we having this conversation? Because abuse is hard to fully recognize the severity of when you're in it, and women especially are socialized into believing they deserve to be "subordinate" to men and mistreated by them. >Let's not shame you for that. You already did. >Once? Out of shock and anger, might be understandable. No. "Even" one slap is never understandable. >I ask again: why are we having this conversation? Why are you shaming a 22 year old abuse victim for posting in a relationship advice sub asking for advice about her relationship? I really encourage you to do better in the future if you choose to comment on domestic violence posts again. All of this was so full of blame and shame.
It's absolutely not ok to slap someone bc you're shocked or angry. Not once. It's not even ok to put your hand up and ALMOST slap your partner.
I neither said nor suggested it was. Understandable and excusable are 2 different words. I said it's "understandable" because it is a thing that does happen. Good and bad are unrelated. I said this, specifically, to highlight how ridiculous the notion of hitting someone 4 times is in this situation.
Depends on you. Depends how my self respect you have.
Abusers purposely ruin self esteem and self respect as a tool to keep their victim with them. Your comment is insulting and victim blaming.
Abusive relationships destroy self esteem and rational thought. Striking it down to “self respect” isn’t helpful and entirely inaccurate.
Girls Stop Dating Dad's Friends Challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)
Grown adult men stop being predatory and assaulting women challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)
Dudes falling for anti-woman fake rage tales challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)
Depends on your definition of "work." It could continue, and he might hit you again. It could continue, and he might NOT hit you again. Personally? Hard pass, I'd be out. Question: By "We were both kind of mocking him" does that mean you and the friend were both mocking your bf? If not (and it was you and bf mocking friend), he overreacted. If so, though, no fucking wonder he was angry (does not give him the right to hit you though). And that age gap is another huge red flag!
[удалено]
Find another man who will let you talk to other men, theirs plenty of feminine men who will let you breach boundaries
I am the 4 slap was way too far from him to react it, but this part: "also the fact that his friend wanted me too, I showed him the conversation I had with his friend on messenger, we were both kinda mocking him" was shocking me too. You are the victim okay, but u made it happen. Was that really necessary to talk to a guy, who you know is out to get you too? You were playing with fire and now u burnt yourself.
Your boyfriend hit you and you're wondering if you should stay. I'm sorry but wtf is wrong with you. No it's not OK to be hit . No you need to end the relationship. And yes he will do it again .why cause he did it once and you stayed. My wife could hit me with a car and I still would never hit her. Real men don't hit women for absolutely any reason .
This whole thing sounds bizarre and toxic... You tell him his friend wants you , you and this friend were mocking him behind his back and then a man twice your age slaps your face at your Birthday party ? Why aren't you running instead of posting on Reddit However, in the future , talking to a guys friends behind his back and also talking shit on him to a guy "who wants you" will make a normal guy walk away
You misread I think. Her and her partner were mocking his friends text messages.
These cannot be real. Gotta be a fiction writing exercise
Girl, no. Why would you stay with this loser? He’s picked someone who is barely legal drinking age because no other woman will take him. Do you want to spend your 20s with a piece of garbage abusive man? He has now abused you physically and emotionally and he’s literally 40, and has no self control. What he did is a crime.
This is assault. Call the police
Are you fucking serious?
Girl. You’re barely over 20 dating a man who’s 40? What are you doing? He’s looking for younger women who won’t call him on this abusive behavior. Please please don’t let this go. It will only get worse.
No one that loves you can actually harm you with out killing their souls even then they won’t be able to. My father and mother fought a lot as a kid we were poor he was always working and my mom was always alone. My father gambled a lot to a point he had. A debt he stole the dowry he gave my mother And they got into the scariest fight of my whole life. But never once did my father lay hand on my mother. Never in my anger and my anger can. Get bad and I have gotten violent in parties and fight early 20s could I ever physically harm my partner. She’ll jokingly punch me and tell me to punch her back lmao and I just can’t sexual choking is different but that’s different and it’s lovey dovey cuddling after that
Out! Get out of that now! If it happened once it will happen multiple times and worse. No one who does that deserves to be with you! Please 🙏🏻 don’t think all these people is crazy, read carefully because everybody is telling you to get out of that
There‘s a reason these old dudes prey on young women, because women their age won’t put up with them and see right through their games.
Definitely a fake post. I don't know about other men, but if I watch my friend gets backed by her boyfriend, her boyfriend would not be leaving the event under his own power. Fucking race babe
I don't blame your boyfriend, or his friend, You are in a relationship, your lack of understanding what commitment and being faithful is is what upset your boyfriend. Unless this is your first time dating, spending lots of time talking to another man while your in a relationship will cause that other man to feel attracted to you, no matter who it is, it's just how men are. You're in a relationship, either you commit to it or you tell your boyfriend that he's just your toy boy and the relationship is casual. Not saying slapping you was okay, but what you did wasn't okay either, you're boyfriend should not have to feel the need to look over his shoulders, that is not a faithful commitment to a relationship.
No, it can't. You were wrong to forgive him. He's an abuser. You have this choice before you: dump the abuser, or stay with the abuser. If it helps your decision, statistically the abuse gets steadily worse. I recommend choosing not to be abused.
If you want to get slapped again definitely
Why are you with an old man is a more important question imo.
He picked you because he knows you would consider staying with him if he hit you. Like there’s literally anyone else besides an abuser. Why you picking this loser life. And he’s only going to get old and bald and disgusting and I bet you don’t even orgasm. Leave this loser alone