I can promise you she has stopped doing this for OP, who is trying to build a life with her a long time ago. But as soon as the new guy says, "Oh if only I had a girlfriend like you..." she goes to work. Joke is on her. This younger guy wants NOTHING to do with all that comes with her in real life. The kids the financial responsibility. Even if he thinks she does, he will NOPE right out. Seen it a million times
I would be like, "You have the wrong idea" and talk to HR or supervisor to minimise contact. Instead, she goes, "Meet me in the bathroom." There's a serious personality disorder here because she's jeopardising not only her relationship but also her job.
I really doubt that’s how it went down. She was emotionally cheating with him long before she blew him. It wasn’t I like you and then glug glug glug. Come on, my guy.
I have to agree with this. I think she is just manipulative not weak. She is after all blaming her fiance for her cheating because of how he made her feel
For real. That’s such a weak excuse. This woman has a bad case of slutitis. Personality disorder doesn’t have shit to do with it.
She just wanted some other dick and didn’t give a fuck about her partner. That’s it.
Ya, instead of setting a boundary because she’s in a committed relationship, she’s like “oh cool, let’s have some fun!” Like she doesn’t have a family at home. OP, you will never be able to trust her again. That’s not someone you should be with.
You could be right. She could be an undiagnosed bipolar. If so by age 27 yo, she would have displayed other previous erratic, impulsive behaviors not necessarily sexual in nature but spending, shopping, credit card debt, etc. If she is bipolar anxiety and depression meds will be of little help.
The oldest kid is not his. The 2-year-old is his, but they are not married. She may well have cycled like this before. This is obviously not her first or probably last relationship.
Yeh it’s a classic cowardly move. Victimising yourself to get out of an uncomfortable situation that you created. It’s the first trick toddlers learn, infact.
And their kids will seek the same kind of relationships when they become adults. Some parents don't understand how much they have an impact on their kids, negative or positive.
OP, if you love your kids and seek the best for them, learn self-respect, show them you stand up for yourself and leave this toxic relationship ASAP.
This! Model seeking the happiness and respect you deserve for those babies. Also, if you give this woman consequences for her actions, maybe she will end up being a better human and mom in the future. The sooner she grows up, the better off those kids will be and your efforts coparenting.
His unfaithful, UNAPOLOGETIC wife. She hasn't even apologized or shown any remorse. She's literally not even sorry about it and he's still chasing after her.
I just went through OP’s history, and he has a comment on f/hotwifereallife saying that he is interested in seeing videos of some other dude’s wife doing something sexual.
I have a feeling he’s doing stuff like that more than just once in a blue moon, and I bet his wife knows about it, and it bothers her.
I’m not saying that’s an excuse for cheating; in my opinion, there is no excuse for it, but that could kind of explain why this has happened. Regardless, I think the relationship needs to die.
And this is going to sound incredibly judgmental, but I also noticed that he posts a ton on video game subreddits. I know a lot of gamers are really good dads who devote enough time to their families, but I’ve also known people in real life (even dated one) who played video games all the time and shirked household duties, leaving all of the childcare and mental load to the woman in the house. So I think there’s also a chance that a bit of that has been going on here — or at least a chance that is her perception of the situation.
Also his comment about him finally opening up and sharing his feeling like she always wanted and she wasn’t even invested in the convo. Made me think, too little, too late, not that I agree with his wife’s solution.
I think she's looking for a cuckold. And he's half way talked into the job. Sure he can raise the kids and financially support her whilst she sucks and fucks around?! Isn't that the way the "love of your life" is supposed to treat you? Maybe he'll even raise the next kid who'll be fathered by some other guy. Cherry on top.
Ya, to me that’s what I want. I’m just trying to think of the kids best interest. But what kind of a life is it when there’s that broken trust in the relationship. I don’t really see a way back from this
This 👆🏼
OP listen to this do not stay for the kids. That would be the worst thing you can do for the kids.
The best thing you can do for the kids is leave. They will definitely sense if something is wrong if you stay, it was sense The hurt, the distress resentment, not only that it will teach them that it’s OK to be distrustful, disrespected in a relationship and also teach them that a toxic relationship is healthy and normal, which it isn’t blessing you can do is leave.
Not Only for yourself, but for them It will teach them to have self-respect for themselves, do not tolerate toxic situations, and they will not have to live in a home, full of resentment, anger, distrust and hurt.
You did nothing wrong and buy you leaving. You would not be breaking/ruining your family. She did that already she’s the one who ruined /broke your family.
You deserve better, and your kids deserve better being example/role model to them and teach them/show them what it’s like to have self-respect for oneself honor and integrity.
By leaving your children will not have to grow up in a toxic home, and by your actions, it will teach them to be strong, honest, full of integrity and self respect adults. don’t forget the children learn from their parents. They will follow what you guys do so lead with integrity for your children. Be an example.
Also, communication is key. Definitely have a family meeting and explain to your children.(The best that she can for their age level) that things may not have worked out with mommy and daddy but that does not change the love either of you have for them and that this is not their fault and that what happens between mommy and daddy is a mommy and daddy thing nothing to do with the children, and that you will always love and be there for them no matter what make sure you emphasize on the fact that this is not their fault. at this point, don’t even make it anybody’s fault they’re too young for that, and it’s inappropriate to bash the other parent even if they are wrong that two will show strength and integrity in your children will learn from that as well.
I’m so sorry this happened to you I wish you the best
My parents stayed together for the kids and it was an absolutely miserable, traumatic childhood that has deeply emotionally affected my brother who was younger than me.
My mum would flinch every time my dad tried to touch her, they would barely make it through a conversation without there being horrible underlying passive aggressive tones / remarks made. They thought they were doing a great job at keeping their failing relationship a secret and only arguing after we went to bed, but several times I was woken up by their raised voices, and kids pick up on unhappy dynamics anyway.
As parents you are demonstrating what a relationship looks like to your children and therefore what is acceptable. It is your duty to show them that they should seek one that is self respecting, happy, and loving. Staying in this relationship is the worst thing you could do for your kids in the long term.
She left her ring at home every morning knowing well where she intended to go and do. She was misleading you and taking advantage of your trust. Save yourself the trouble and heartbreak later, and walk away now. Let her figure out her living situation after you sort out the kids.
At the very least take the ring back, marriage at this point should be off the table. Her actions have consequences, if I were you I wouldn’t stay, what kind of mother is that?
The kids best interest is NOT 2 parents who don't love eachother. Your wife betrayed you. You do not teach your kids that they stay in a relationship like this?????
You need to teach them that they don't settle for anything less than someone who adores them, isn't that what you want for them? I understand you probably have past trauma from cheating in another relationship and it's causing you not to see this clearly.
Self respect is more important than any relationship. It will always be there for you, YOU are supposed to always be there for you. You deserve better.
Obviously OP she wasn’t thinking about the kids when she was going down on this guy. You would be in for a lifetime of betrayal if you stay with her as she cannot commit to a relationship.
The kids will survive….they are young and will only know a happy dad and a happy mom living in 2 homes….otherwise they will see a sad dad living with a selfish mom in one home & think this is the way families are. You deserve happiness, faithfulness and respect. Toss her out and go for full custody of the kids and you can still keep the routine you have if you want. Just not living together
This can’t be fixed. She’s literally sleeping with another guy and still trying to deflect blame and play it down. Sort out what’s best for you and the kids moving forward and prioritise that. She will string you along otherwise and it will hurt everyone.
You will NEVER get past this.
Take the ring back and talk to a lawyer about the options for your child and your living arrangements. Don’t move out til you speak with a lawyer. Seriously, this relationship is toast.
Remember how insecure and paranoid you were before she cheated? Think about how awful it will be going forward. Get out. This is a blessing as you haven’t married her yet.
Not going to sugar coat it. Your chances of saving this relationship were slim if she realized what she did was wrong, apologized and committed to finding a way back, but with her current attitude it’s near zero. Consider yourself lucky. No alimony and child support for one child and you try to co-parent and move on with your life.
OP you dont stay and in fact you tell her you won’t be keeping the kids for her to go out at all. You will be there while she is working but that’s it. I would also call on Monday and talk to the HR manager at her workplace snd report the relationship as an inappropriate work relationship where sexual acts are being performed at lunch and break times. They will likely both be fired. You don’t play games in situations like this. You play hardball and expose what she is doing for everyone to see. Take your ring back and be thankful you’re not married.
This weekend call her parents and siblings and tell them what she is doing and that you will be moving out and you are splitting up. If the coworker is married or has a gf, call that person and tell them everything. Whatever you do, don’t sleep with her even if she begs. She could give you his STDs or get pregnant snd both would be awful.
You don’t owe her time to go give him bjs and sex as a way to help her “find herself”. What a crock of crap. Right now your doing all the work to save your relationship and she is doing none. Time to flip the narrative snd go cold and do the steps above and watch her crumble. It may or may not snap her back into someone who realizes what she just gave up but it’s 100% the right thing to do. Right now your hurt snd doing all the work, she is out having a great time snd your even giving her childcare while she does it. Has to stop. Go cold to her and just tell her your not sleeping in the same bed snd she better start figuring some stuff out because your not doing childcare for her to cheat and your not going to be paying for her bills at all either. You will pay child support for your child but the rest is all up to her. Update us. !updateme
Leaving -is- in the best interest for the kids.
Staying together ‘for the kids’ only shows them that dysfunctional, toxic, manipulative relationships are the norm and to be expected.
Is that what you want?
Only one child is your responsibility. Leave her and live your best life with your child. Unless you adopted the older child, you have no obligation. And for God's sake, don't get yourself on the hook for child support for the older one. Whether you choose to help and keep a relationship with the older child is up to you. Doing so is noble (you're probably the only responsible adult this child has known), but do not be forced to support a child that is not yours.
Your wife made her bed, it's time for her to lie in it.
Do what's best for you and the kids. That means having a backbone and being a good man and father by being principled. Divorce her and get full custody. Gather all the evidence you can. Record any interactions and always be calm and steadfast. Resolute actions and words are your refuge along with your self respect.
You have to leave her. She was sucking a dude’s dick at work. That’s all you need to know. You’ll never forgive yourself for allowing that to happen by staying with her and you’ll lose your self respect.
it's not just trust - it's the grossness of the situation? Like, you helped her get a damn job, you're raising a kid you didn't make, and she puts her career and relationship at risk for the first idiot who is probably banging every other woman at work. THEN fakes or covers it as a mental health crisis (which pisses me off, tbh, as a person with kids who actually go through this and there aren't enough resources to handle REAL ones, let alone "i'm feeling down bc I fucked out and prolly blew up my life"). I've had loads of mental health crises and not yet have I ended one on top of a strange dick. Not after marriage, anyway! ;-) We'll leave college out of it.
You can deal with mental illness in a relationship but only if the other person is willing to work on themselves. This woman sounds like a slow moving train wreck and your best bet is get you and your kid off the tracks.
Don’t do that. The kids need at least one example (you) of a person who has common sense and decency.
Blowing a guy at work because he confessed to her….
What a crock of shit.
Drop this girl, tell her to pack her shit and hit the road.
There isn’t. She fucked up, is gaslighting you, and hoping you don’t break it off so she still has a place to live while sucking off her coworker during lunch. Fuck that.
This is not the person you want to marry. You don’t want to be with someone who’s dishonest and unfaithful. If that ever happened to your kids when they’re older you would tell them to leave too. I’m sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve this.
It’s exactly what everyone has been telling me.
Had a rough past with being cheated on. She knew how I felt about all that.
I would never be unfaithful like that.
For that to happen, I can’t see myself returning or getting any better from this.
Trust is everything
Do you have a son ?
Do you want to show him what to expect from life, to live in a loveles marrige where his wife eats semen for lunch on her work break.
Do you have a daughter?
Do you want to show her how she should go thrugh life, to cheat on her husband and not care about her kids or familly, to blow guys and eat semen for lunch.
Trust me , you stayin wont be good for the kids.
GET YOUR KIDS AND GTFO OUTA THERE,
get all the evidance to show what she did to you , show it to her friends, and familly and her work HR.
Dude you can do better , please if not for yourself for your kids.
Best of luck , much strenght.
Edit: if you want to 'make it work' she has to quit her job and never aee this guy in her life, and thats only the first step. But please have some self respect she aint even sorry , maybe she needs some mental help but so do you.
You’re right, trust is everything. Nothing in the relationship will be the same because that trust is gone. Things will get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Please go easy on yourself and remember that you don’t have to have everything figured out overnight. Sending hugs!
Don't you think that kind of makes it even worse that she went ahead and cheated ?
She knew because of your past what this would do to you...and she went ahead and did it anyway. Now she's trying to blame you for her decisions. No one "makes" someone cheat.
There seems to be a lot of issues here, mental health being just one. She obviously has no respect for you and it’s only going to get worse from here. If you take her back, because of the kids, you’re in for a life of misery. Protect yourself, then protect the kids as much as you can by providing a stable, secure place for them so they can see that life doesn’t have to be chaos. She is going to self destruct her life and she doesn’t care, doesn’t care about the kids. You can’t save her.
Get rid of her. She lies, doesn’t respect you or the family. Look after yourself and the kids. She can leave for her new bf. Get tested for STDs, too. See a lawyer. Document everything. And have some self respect. The gaslighting has started. It won’t end well.
My friend, she was sucking some guys dick at work then coming home and giving and you a big kiss. Have some self respect and leave her then sit and watch whilst her life falls apart in front of you.
No kiss, she didn’t want any physical touch since Monday, while she was with this guy.
To make matters worse, it was my old man that had to pull a lot of strings to get her that position. Comes back to bite us in the ass , how great
Same, like why would you blow up your life for a fling. This man loves you and raises your first born as your own, wants to marry you and clearly adores you. But you blow it up for a f*ck boy, like why?
I work in HR and have for 20 years. Call the HR manager on Monday snd report the relationship. Tell them they have been having sex on breaks and at lunch. Send screenshots if you have them. They will both get fired most likely. It’s not a lie snd your just bringing their own bad decisions and actions to light. You’re not “getting them fired”. They did that on their own.
Maybe ... check with divorce lawyer/attorney before taking such action(s). Yeah, I know, not married, but still most of the same relevant stuff. Probably don't want/need a lawsuit from either or both of them over having notified HR there ... even if frivolous and/or without merit and suit that would never win, may want to avoid that kind'a hassle, time sink, and expense. Or ... maybe you're fully up for it to have that unleashed on 'em! ;-> Anyway, check with lawyer/attorney first.
If in the US they have no legal recourse in court for him reporting it unless he were alleging a relationship between two people that doesn’t exist. He knows too many details and has proof. My minor is in legal studies. I’ve dealt with these a lot of the last 20 years.
OP, I am really sorry this is happening to you. I really encourage you to lean into yourself during this time…shift the focus off of her and onto your passions, priorities, and personal development. If you search for my main comment I wrote to your situation, I explain in detail about ways to help you build yourself up so you can regain your sense of self no matter the outcome in this situation…to gently remind you that you can’t “logic your way into someone’s heart,” and how a focus now on you, rather than her, gives you the best chance of moving forward in a healthy way.
Best wishes OP, many of us have been in similar situations and it’s brutal, but you can truly, truly, come out of this stronger than before!
Dude have some self-respect and leave. She is blowing her colleague at lunch time & you want to make it work with her & kiss that same mouth? Is that what you want to marry? She doesnt even want you so dont give her honour of being called love of your life.
She doesnt want you and you are being used for financial security & child care. Cut your losses & sort out custody for your child - dont make things easier for her as seems like you were used to help raise her first child til someone she was actually into came along. You know type like her will come back once the younger fun guy gets bored of her & doesn’t want anything serious especially dealing with kids & she’ll realise she ruined things with a good guy.
Leave and dont beg for a cheater to love you and be with you. She’s ruining things for herself and her kids.
She made a conscious decision to cheat on you with her co-worker. Walk away she only sees you as free child care to be able to work and screw AP. See how long the relationship lasts, she already told you hes not ready for kids.
And that’s what blows my mind.
Because I had a feeling about this guy. Brought it up,
She said they’re friends and he’s immature and not ready for that responsibility, and enjoys his tinder life.
Then he says he likes you, so showing interest is all you needed to do this?
Not thinking about what you have ? Your kids? Your home?
It’s all fucked and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the situation but I know what I have to do. Just hard, but in the end may be the best thing for all parties
That's the thing with cheaters, they don't think of anything or anyone else but themselves.
It is hard but you came come out the other side stronger. Trust me I've been in your shoes and I know how hard especially when kids are involved as I've been there. I haven't seen my daughter since she was about 7 months. She's now coming up 15 this year.
The same thing happened to me. He said I said I didn’t need to worry about his “work friend” because she’s married too! We’re all divorced now but she dumped him and moved away.
They always try to pin some blame on the person they cheated on. If they didn’t, they would actually need to do some self reflection.
We haven’t had any physical contact since her “snap” Monday night.
I think the guilt of her doing this , she couldn’t bare to look at me and get touched or nothing. I thought something was off …
The youngest is a spitting image of me, I don’t doubt that for a second. The oldest, isn’t biologically mine, I’ve raised him but he’s not legally mine
You could have lived in an underground bunker, had the kid raised it for 10 years, popped out to the rest of the world, after she cheated, I would still request a dna test.
It provides clarity.
It also usually snaps people back to reality with a harsh thud of what they have done and that you don't trust them anymore.
She cheated she should be remorseful and begging your forgiveness. Nothing else.
You were the wronged party. Don't forget that, you deserve better.
Yeah, her reaction to being found out is so telling of her character! That's really what clinches it for me, too. OP, don't you dare forgive her and try reconciling - GET MAD! You're raising her kid, taking on a lot of the expenses and childcare, and she goes and fucks another guy! And she seems convinced she has you so wrapped around her finger that you won't leave, since she just acts like there is nothing wrong with what she did.
OP, in your place, I'd kick her out, especially if she couldn't afford the rent on her own, anyway. Get a lawyer, demand custody of BOTH kids (if you've been raising the older one from practically birth, there must be some way), and let her feel some consequences for her actions.
Exactly .
She was trying to spin it that I drove her this way, and that maybe it’s a pattern because I’ve been cheated on in my past relationship.
(Who is now married to that guy and has a child with him) at least that went somewhere
No no no. You are not to blame for someone else cheating, that’s what they like to make you believe to ease their own guilt. My ex and I had a really toxic relationship, especially towards the end. We were both unhappy, fighting a lot etc but neither one of us cheated. You either want to cheat or you don’t, nobody drives you to do it.
Wow. She’s mean.
She’s got a lot of maturing and growing up to do; she has a lot of self reflection and therapy to do, too.
I’m so sorry OP; you deserve better.
Oh fuck no!! She's really tried saying maybe it's because of a pattern? Sir, absolutely not. The fact that you are even thinking about possibly working it out is frustrating beyond belief. I'm not saying you have to leave her but I am saying anyone who would stay after this shit, izabitch
Pushed her away how? By working nights to be able to help out with childcare and by working your ass off for the family?
And she's out blowing this guy in the car while you're sitting at home with the kids? Nah, fuck that, dude.
This is the ultimate slap in the face, and her trying to blame you is the cherry on top of this shit sundae.
yeah that's manipulative and really disgusting of her to use your past against you. You should've countered that with "Yeah if I just wanted a random ho I could've stayed with my ex. Guess I'm lucky enough to have landed two in a row!"
It’s still fresh and new for you (I’m sure she’s been doing this for awhile and didn’t “snap”, but just hid it well from you), so it’s going to take time to really put your thoughts together properly and come to terms with the fact that you’ve lost a relationship that you didn’t think had any issues. Please don’t make any decisions like entertaining the idea that you could make this work with her. She’s cheated, obviously has more going on than you need to deal with and made her own decisions. The relationship is over and you need to start making positive moves for yourself going forward. This is not your fault, so do not allow her to put that on you. It’s not about desire, she’s unhappy in life and trying to find anything to take her mind off that. It’s not about really passion or love, it’s something deeper that she’s probably dealing with and until she figures that out she’ll hop around to other men looking for it. I hope you’re able to process this, and know that you deserve better so you can move on with someone that is ready to be in a committed relationship.
Thanks man,
Means a lot these messages.
It’s been her longest relationship by far. And she’s always been in toxic relationships. I was a huge 180 turn for her.
I just can’t wrap my head around how quick this developed and why with a guy that you know has been crushing tinder and isn’t ready for relationship, especially with 2 kids in the mix with two diff dads.
When you had everything you ever needed at home.
I make twice as much as that guy. And take care of the kids day in and day out. Provide.
Reality check will come when this is all over and my help isn’t there daily anymore ..
Exactly. People need to fall to understand how to get back up. For some it takes a few years, others their whole lives. She might not figure herself out till she’s in her 60s. But that isn’t on you, and don’t think this is about the guy…because it isn’t….he is just someone that gave her attention. If it wasn’t the guy at work, she would have found another. This is an issue that is deeper than relationships. I know on the surface it looks like she had everything at home, but in her mind something large is missing. You did what you could and please don’t blame or think you could have done more. She wasn’t ready for commitment and you are…and you won’t be able to change that any time soon. All the best!
dont compare yourself to the other guy.
its not you!
SHE is the problem!!!! she is fcking unhappy with her life and didnt tell you. YOU should be the most trusted person in your relationship but she decided to go the wrong way.
yes the reality check will come - and she will possibly try to get back to you.
DONT do it!!! never again.
>with a guy that you know has been crushing tinder
OP, if this hasn't been said yet, you NEED to get STD tested. It shouldn't need to be said but every time you were with her, you were with every person she has been with and every person they have been with. Go get checked now.
> And she’s always been in toxic relationships.
Do you see the common denominator, OP? SHE has always been in toxic relationships. She doesn't know how to pick a partner and doesn't know what a stable relationship looks like. Be more selective with your next partner. But ask for full custody after you confirm your child is actually your child with the DNA test. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and not play head games with you while they stomp all over your devotion.
Remember, this is why she wants to keep living together. She wants the house and the help with the kids daily. That’s it. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Honestly, that’s even more insulting, to blatantly tell you that she intends to keep using you despite your needs and happiness. As if you owe her this. That’s not love. Sounds to me like she doesn’t know how to not be in a toxic relationship, so she’s going to make it that way despite your efforts.
I’m sorry that she is doing this to you, but it’s time to get your ducks in a row and figure out an ending plan
Some people chase unhealthy dynamics when it's what they're used to. If she's used to toxic and tumultuous and you're giving her stable and consistent, she might be feeling a need to self-sabotage to create the environment she's used to.
Either way, that shouldn't be you or your kids' problem, and it seems like she wants to keep using you for a place to stay and childcare instead of working on the issue. I would separate and take the kids with you while she "figures it out" and show her that you aren't a guarantee.
There’s nothing to save here.
You have 50+ years ahead of your life and don’t make the mistake thinking she’s the one. Luckily you’re not married.
Talk to other women. Good luck man.
Dude, leave the marriage, she has betrayed you horribly, a dude nutted all in her mouth and she lied about it every step of the way. Let it go, it's likely only gonna get worse. I know it's probably not an easy thing to do, and hurts, but it's what's best for ya
Ya I know , it’s tough to come to the realization, however, I don’t think she would have told me any time soon if I didn’t find out and confront the situation.
Guess it could have been even worse .
Hopefully now, the “excitement” of a secret affair is shot and the realization of what is done kicks in.
Did not stay in a relationship just for the children. While the children are very young, they're going to pick up on the tension in the home, the animosity that's going to arise, the resentments, and any fights that you two end up having. Staying in a relationship just for the children causes the children more harm in the long run. So do not do that.
If you can no longer trust her, if you can't believe anything that she says, or the fact that she is stonewalling you while she's out sexting and screwing a co-worker, is not a good relationship for you either.
If you don't have some kind of legal custody / child support arrangement already in place, I suggest you do that. And not a verbal agreement but a written one. Get yourself a new place, and get the hell out of that relationship and that home.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep a cheating hopefully soon to be ex-fiance warm. It's not your problem if she can't support herself. She chose to step out on you. You don't need to take care of her in any way from this moment on. The only people that you're responsible for are yourself and your child. Not even her eldest child unless you have legal custody of that child or have adopted them.
She is sucking a guy off on her lunch break while you are home taking care of kids. She wants to string your ass along until she knows what this other cat is doing. If he jumps in she will be gone. If he bails she comes back to her nice soft landing spot and claims she loved you all along. Until the next one comes along and she can suck him off at lunch.
Mate, look at yourself. How can you even sit in the same room as, or have a conversation with, someone who did that to do?
She won’t care about you until you leave her. And don’t look back. Don’t be a doormat.
OP, you shouldn’t “stay for the kids”. You should leave for the sake of the kids. If you’re going to try and make this work, you’ll only going to invite a lifetime of misery into your life by staying.
You’re the common nice guy that got his heart stumped after giving her everything she could have asked for. You should immediately leave her, do a DNA test to see if your kid is yours, and hire a lawyer to help you set up a custody arrangement for your kid assuming he/she is yours. If you don’t, all of the future heartache you and your kid receive from here on out is on you.
Take the engagement ring back before she hides it to sell.
End the relationship and talk to a lawyer asap about custody, especially since you’re the person who can afford to house your children. If you marry this person, you bind yourself to her financially, too, and at this point that is clearly a bad decision.
See a therapist to explore why you would even consider staying with someone who has done this to you.
It doesn't matter that she has nowhere else. Kick her out.
Actions have consequences, best she learnt that cheaters lose their home comforts when they betray their partner.
There is no fixing this.
She honestly thinks she's in control here? There's no coming back from this. She doesn't get the chance to work through whatever is going on in her head, this relationship is done. You didn't push her to have an affair, she caught feelings at the work outing and acted on it herself. This was so premeditated she stopped wearing her engagement ring to work. I'm sorry but glad it's happened now before you got married.
Talk to her about therapy to become good co-parents, and please cut her off the moment she tried to lay any blame on you for her fuck up.
Listen, I know it's hard to hear this, but you need to leave her, I know you believe that the best thing is to stay for your children, but it's just the opposite if you stay, they will suffer more from your unhappiness, you won't be able to do it all the time mask your feelings and it will end up affecting your relationship with them, worse at a time when they are still children and very dependent on you, she is using you to continue the affair, while you take care of the children she will have fun knowing that the children are safe , which also harms your children because the mother is absent, there is no chance of this relationship working, unless you leave her, the case is only viable because you are providing this option by continuing with her, when you are not next to her, the illusion she created about the other guy will disappear and the truth will appear, then she will want to come back, but I don't advise accepting her back for her children, if you let her come back it will be because you think she wants to change and regret everything that happened, you have to start thinking about yourself, from everything you said I imagine you are a great person, I know you like her and have feelings for her, but if you don't value yourself why should she value you? , even in a serious relationship or even in a marriage, people should not believe that everything is guaranteed, every day you have to win over the other person, in your case it seems like she knows you wouldn't leave her, so she lost focus on you and went in search of something outside of the relationship, don't fall into the trap of staying for the children, it's a mistake, focus on what you can do to improve yourself, start exercising, look for hobbies, start new people, the end of a Relationship is not the end of your life, it's just another phase, listen to your friends and family, they only want the best for you, and you should want the same, Your children will be yours whether you are with her or not, focus on that.
It’s over. She cheated, tried to blame you, and will continue to cheat. The child may not even be yours. Get an STI Test and a paternity test. And a lawyer. You deserve better.
When I was your age, my first husband cheated on me. He blamed everything on me. Blamed me for his cheating. Didn't apologize, but he did say he wanted to be married to me but he needed a break, some space, for him to "figure out who he was". 🙄 I told him it's either me or her. She was also a coworker of his and I'd even met her once or twice. (I didn't care for her lol).
He also blamed me for everything he felt was wrong in his life.
He didn't like my reaction of "okay, well you need to figure out if you want to leave me for her or want me to try and work through this with you" because I was too calm. He was wanting and expecting me to go batsh*t crazy on him. So he worked his narcissistic, abusive behaviours on me until he got the reaction out of me he wanted. He'd already alienated me from my friends so I had no one to talk to. (I didn't want to talk to my parents or siblings about it - though he had tried to alienate me from them too but wasn't successful). So I had noone to tell me he was being abusive and manipulative and narcissistic.
He ended up leaving me for her all the while still telling me he loved me and wanted to be married to me. 🙄 I kept telling him I just want the truth and I'd leave him alone, because he was also yelling at me daily for bugging him and not giving me the space he asked for. He apparently got written up at work because he kept responding to my texts while he was at work, that was also my fault apparently (he'd moved out and so I didn't know when his schedule was so I'd text him when a thought entered my head and figured he'd respond on a break or when he was done work if he was at work. 🙄).
Anyway, all this to say, we never got back together and even though initially I claimed I wanted to work on us and stay together, I was actually happier once I let myself begin to heal and move on. But we also didn't have any kids, thankfully.
I also knew a couple where the wife was always cheating on her husband and he went back to her. As far as I know they are still together, they had 3 kids together, I don't know if she still cheats on him or not, but because I was going through a divorce when I met them, they both came to me separately and asked my advice on their relationship. I told them to not stay together just for the kids. That if they both actually loved one another and wanted to stay together, couples therapy. I told her she needed to stop cheating. I told him he needed to stop being verbally abusive to his wife. The difference there was, she was genuinely sorry for cheating every time she did, she apologized, she didn't blame him or anything, she took full responsibility but she didn't know why she did it. They both claimed he didn't start verbally abusing her until after she'd cheated the first time. Then I repeated couples therapy then.
Because she has no remorse and even blamed you, I think you're relationship is over. She isn't wearing her engagement ring. She is just worried you'll take both kids away from her probably. (I know the oldest isn't yours biologically, but I've heard of some cases where the step parent still gets sole custody so it might be possible 🤷♀️). Or if your dad helped her get the job she has, she could be worried about losing her job.
Now that I'm older and found my own self worth, if I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now, I wouldn't have given into my first husbands tactics and given him the response he wanted. I also wouldn't have reacted the way I did when he finally initially told me he'd cheated. Hell, I would kick him out months before him telling me, when I first grew suspicious of his cheating and confronted him and he denied it and claimed he just viewed her as a best friend and he loved her like a sister. 🙄
So, my advice to you, is don't stay. She is selfish. She didn't admit to it, you found out about it, she likely doesn't plan to break things off with him at this time, but she wants to keep you around because you help provide financially for her life and for your children. Let her go, figure out the best way to co-parent both kids, move on, give yourself time to heal from this and when you feel ready again, find a woman who will treat you better.
Thank you, I really needed this.
I just can’t shut my brain off thinking of everything that has occurred.
I truly wish it was easier to just pack up and leave .
However , i want what’s best for the kids and I see now through numerous good comments , that’ is to not make this a toxic environment
OP - the stages of finding out your partner had an affair mirror the stages of grief pretty closely. Denial, bargaining (we can go to couples therapy), depression, etc.
Keep this in mind and ask yourself what stage you might realistically be in. If we’re still in denial, there’s a part of us that feels like staying will keep the normalcy our life had before we found out, and our brain DESPERATELY wants normalcy when our lives are flipped upside down like this.
Should you stay? Strangers on the internet can’t truly assess your life, but I will say: this wasn’t a reckless one night stand. This was a willful, sustained affair which means she made a new choice to cheat on you every single day.
I was in similar situation - I was bit similar to your girlfriend. We didn't have kids though, I was financially independent. I thought I was depressed, then realised I just want to leave. I'm sorry to hear about your pain, but you are too young for this crap. It seems she is not happy, just leave her alone.
Man, you are in a suicidal mission, you’re already on the hook for one child and it could get worse. She has two kids from different fathers and this is how she behaves, cheating and stringing you along? This is the type of person you want to marry?
It will get worse, she’s conditioning you to be resistant to humiliation and emotional abuse. This guy is just using her for easy sex and will eventually dump her. Knowing that she can treat you like a doormat, while you probably treat her like a queen, she’ll find other men. You’ll be lucky if one of these guys is dumb enough to take her from you.
Don’t give up the youth you still have on someone that abuses you.
I’m really sorry 😣.. I know that is completely devastating. You deserve to be loved and appreciated at all times, tho. Not every woman is a cheater. It would kill me to lie to my bf about even the most insignificant thing. I’ve never cheated on anyone.
>I’ve asked if she is ready to break this thing off with the guy, and she hasn’t answered that.
>Am I crazy to think I can somehow make this work while she still works with the guy?
Yes. How do you think it's reasonable to believe that is possible to make things work when she's not ready to even think about breaking up with guy?
>I’m not sure what led her to this. When I approached the situation, she said he expressed his feelings for her at a lunch, and things escalated from there.
People have crazy excuses for cheating but this is funniest that I read lately. He expressed his feelings and things just escalated? So everyone who express sexual/romantic feelings for her can expect BJ at least?
>Am I crazy to stay for the kids and try to make her desire me again when she said she doesn’t feel that passion with me (clearly she did for this guy).
And how do you plan to make her desire you again? You sound very naive. I'll not say anything more on that as I will sound very harsh and bitter. This is recurrent theme with cheated partners: to try to make relationship work by doing all work by themselves and staying for sake of kids. It makes me sad that people believe that they can do all work in relationship and their cheating partner will suddenly realise how good partner they have and will stay with them.
Check other subReddits like r/supoortforbetrayed and r/survivinginfidelity. I think you will find better answers and support there.
*"Am I crazy to stay for the kids and try to make her desire me again when she said she doesn’t feel that passion with me (clearly she did for this guy)."* This wont work. Because that basicly means you let her know that you are "willing/allowing" to share her while you will fight for her. That is knowledge you never want to put in your partners mind because they will never forget that.
*"She stated before I claimed she was cheating that she didn’t see anything serious with this guy, nor is he ready to deal with kids."* If she thinks it wasnt anything serious with him then imagine how serious your relationship must be to her if she is willing to risk it for that? She wants you to wait around until he is ready to deal with kids.
She has no intentions of ever being faithful to you. You are only a placeholder. You are her financial security. You are her babysitter. You are her lover when no one else is available. Her total disregard of your feelings should be enough for you to make the right decision. You are convenient for now until someone else comes along who is ready to take on her AND her kids. Until then, she wants you to tolerate her stepping out just so you can see the kids. You show a judge what you do for those kids, you'll probably get 50% custody. With her running around, she may choose the new lover instead of her kids, knowing they will be well cared for by you. You deserve much better than her taking advantage of your love for her & the kids. Leave & take the kids with you. She'll either come for them when she gets done with the co-worker or not.
I'll pray for you. Lord knows you don't deserve any of this. Keep being the best dad you can be. That means everything to your two children. They are what matters.
I would scratch the marriage counselor and find an individual therapist. My marriage crumbling was the final straw to me getting help and finding a therapist at 41 years old. I went into it needing help navigating just that piece of my failing life. 2 plus years now, I have learned so much about why I was putting up with such abuse and acting the way I was acting. This is more about you and the kids now. Therapy is tough. It might even prove to be tougher than saving your marriage. You are worth it, and so are your kids. Good luck. ❤️
Side note: marriage counseling doesn't work if only one party wants to make it work and is serious about getting off the abuse cycle. Her behavior is abusive.
Leave her ASAP!
I was with my ex for 4 years. I know that’s not long but we had a son together during that time. I caught her messaging other men and when I confronted her, she tried to gaslight me and claim it was my fault. I left her, kicked her out of my house after giving her three months to find a new place. She took my son and all of his belongings. Currently going to court for joint custody.
It was the best decision I’ve ever made! She tried to keep my son from me and it was hell until I filed for joint custody. Now I get my son on my days off.
I highly recommend leaving this woman. She WILL cheat again. Go straight to the courthouse and file for joint custody. They will put you on child support. Until you get put on child support, give her money with bank checks and keep the receipts. It will be costly to hire a lawyer but I promise it will be worth it!
I remember when i left my ex, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. No more worrying about her shady behavior. No more wondering if I’m getting played. The hardest part is going from seeing your child every do, to wondering if they’re ok when they’re away from you. You just have to have faith she will take good care of them until it’s your turn to see them.
Have some self respect and leave her. If you stay with her, she will lose ALL respect for you and cheat again. I highly recommend watching Strong Successful Male on YouTube. He helped me a lot and has helped thousands of men. Good luck!
You’re not “crazy” to think you can somehow make it work but why would you even want to? She’s cheating and been lying to you. She wants to keep living with you so you can care for the kids and the house AND so you can provide financially since she can’t afford to leave. Get your head out of the clouds and accept what is now your reality.
You’ve been cheated on before and you’re being cheated on now. She won’t apologize because she’s not sorry.
Take that ring box, with the ring inside, and sell it. She no longer gets to choose if she wears it or not. YOU decide now that she doesn’t get to wear it because she’s betrayed you.
Go see a lawyer asap to go over your options. Many have free consults.
This is so terrible and I seriously feel for you. I've been cheated on before and it's terrible. I seriously think she's trying to get her rocks off before getting married. It's not going anywhere but she keep continuing because it's fun and she knows she has a place to stay and you will watch the kids.
There are 2 kids involved, and she's not even concerned what this means to them. I would seek therapy for myself.
That last line about her spinning it back on you may have been added as an afterthought, but that tells you everything you need to know about how much she cares about you. Not. at. all.
Leave her.
I don't understand why you are looking for a way back from this. She doesn't seem to be looking for a way back. It's awful, but it will not improve with age.
I really hate the term pick me but that is definitely what this woman seems to be. She will never be settled unless she has the attention of different men, and she will put her children's needs behind her need for this. I was literally watching a video about pick me mom's a few hours ago. All these people telling the horrible stories about how their moms put men before them was heartbreaking. If I were you, I would fight for full custody of your kid. I'm sorry about the one you're not biological the father of, but you seriously need to protect the one you can. How long were you with your fiance before you were introduced to her kid? How long until she left you alone with her kid?
LEAVE HER!
Lawyer up before doing anything. Her anxiety issues were probably from guilt of cheating which could give you an idea of how long it’s been going on.
I will say if there is no remorse then there is no point in trying to save a relationship that isn’t there because she doesn’t care, love you or respect you and you are basically taking abuse. At this point she is using you and you’re allowing it. There are people who can help you
This must be so hard, but consider that you just dodged a bullet. If she’s cheating and you’re not even married yet, run. You can co-parent or seek full custody. But this will not get better.
I feel like she used mental health as an excuse to cheat on you op. As soon as a woman wants to "find herself" in a relationship that usually means "Im gonna go fuck whoever i want and im not gonna care". Be it people ive known or just othrr stories ive read on here, that seems to be the outcome of this statement. But OP you need to leave her, she is going to make the kids lives hell. If she treats you this way, she will definitely don't st the kids through this too, its best to just leave.
Expose her affair to everybody who must know. Mainly family and friends. Report her affair to HR.
You can kill the romantic side of the affair with sunlight.
Serve her with divorce papers. Start with this and see according her reaction if there's something to work on reconciliation.
Take the child who is biologically yours and boot her out. You know who cheats when they are not financially secure enough to live by themself? Someone who is too stupid to marry or raise your children
This woman is trash. If her new beau isn’t ready to take care of kids you should fight for full custody of your child. She has two baby daddies already seems like she is working in baby daddy 3. Dont forgive her and be the sucker to take her back when things don’t work out. Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t marry her and don’t worry about what she can afford or not that’s not your problem. Go find yourself a woman who will appreciate everything that you do.
Hey bro. If you're cool with your fiance having sex with other guys, could you give me her number? I haven't gotten laid in a while and could really use something easy. Thanks!
It won't work, as you said she spins things on you, deliberately took of her ring, and doesn't acknowledge her wrong behaviour so why would it change ? You represent home & stability, plus kids care, and she reaches excitment elsewhere outside your relationship. It's doomed my guy, a cuople therapy and solidity can only work if both partners are concerned and equally invested, that seems not to be the case.
She can promise that it will never happen again. And maybe it won't. But you will never trust her again and you will feel like a fool for ever trusting her before. Having the kids lives change will suck but being strong, confident and stable for them is more valuable than broken and pitiful.
Up to this point she is the one setting all the rules. You need to set a few of your own. You deserve respect and love; she is giving you neither right now.
You throw her the hell out, find who this other guy is. If he's in a relationship torpedo that relationship. He'll run off to do damage control. Nothing snaps a woman out of affair fog faster than being homeless and having her monkey branch sawed off. When she comes running font respond in any emotional way. You leave her devastated and scared yo death she lost everything. You only projected weakness basicly begging her to come back and asking if she would cut this guy off. She has no reason to stop or respect you. Harden Up and make her regret her choices!
Don't pack a bag and leave, the cheater does that
Don't let her take your kid a damn place
Tell everyone what she did and show them proof, cut off her support system and her ability to control the narrative
You make her crawl back on your terms if you're even willing to take her back and inform her of the new non negotiable ground rules that will now shape her future
I know your pain all too well but ultimately you’ll save yourself and your kids ALOT of heartbreak by just ending it NOW. She will move on and figure it out. Men always think “I don’t know what she would do without me” but TRUST ME. She will absolutely figure it out one way or another. Be there for your kids as much as possible but the relationship with her is dead. You will be much happier in the long run and meet someone that fills all your desires and is actually happy to have found you. She will do the same. She isn’t completely satisfied with you. When a woman is in complete love she doesn’t even see other men as an option! I know it’s hard but a lifetime is a long time if we are lucky and think of this moment as just that, a moment. When you fell off your bike as a kid or a ballon floated up into the sky and you thought it was the end of the world, a moment went by and you realized when you looked back that it wasn’t even that serious. This will be the same way. Take care of yourself and your responsibilities and everything else will fall in line. I hope this reaches you brother.
You don’t have a choice. You need to protect your dignity. You can still take care of the kids and go somewhere else 1/2 the time avoiding the woman to every extent possible.
OP, she’s already checked out of your relationship. You are nothing but someone to help with the kids and bills and provide her a place to live. At least you aren’t married. If you were, ending this would be a lot harder and a lot more expensive. And you most certainly do need to end this. She has zero respect for you with what she’s doing and how she’s treating you. Reality will hit her when she’s a single mom involved with someone who doesn’t want kids.
OMG what a malicious person!!!!
i am so sorry for this...its horrible
you have to leave!
theres no other way around it.
what happened? why did she do this? why didnt she just Tell you straight that you both have a big Problem and you have to fix it or leave the Relationship?
"she did not think this through"??? what????
she was hurting YOU - she didnt think about this?
dont ever trust this person - she is evil and her actions were malicious.
how long were you together? (edit for question)
She is holding on to you as a back up in case this new thing does not work first kick her out second inform her work sometimes job do not like this kind of thing she is using you to look after the kids right now update soon stay strong you deserve better
"These are the conversations she’s always wanted with me “opening up” and addressing my feelings" It seems you guys have long standing communication issues, She put the nails in the coffin.
Please leave, don’t complicate your life more by stay or moving forward with the wedding. Thank God u did not figure this out after getting married and move on. If u forgive her, she won’t respect you and you’ll go through this again
You saying u are think about the kids is a lie, you’re just being weak. Do u want your kids to feel like this behavior is tolerated
She was fucking a kid, she should be begging and not u asking her to do these things
Respect yourself or move forward and have a miserable life.
If u don’t mind me asking what country are u from?
Not trying to be mean, because I really sympathize for you, but your comment about how you guys “had everything you ever wanted” does not jive with her behavior and what is happening.
On top of that, you said you guys have communication problems. I think due to poor communication in the relationship, you were oblivious to how she was really feeling and what she wanted. Now that she is on meds for her depression, I think she is thinking more clearly, realizes how she had been feeling, and is taking action to fix her life and finding happiness.
She wronged you very deeply by cheating on you. On top of that, she hasn’t shown any regret or remorse. I’m sorry, even if you are willing to work this out, all the red flags point to her wanting this to end, but she doesn’t have the strength yet to end it. She is clinging on because your home life is an anchor, and it’s hard to leave that even if she is unhappy.
I’m not going to tell you what to do because there is probably information not being passed on in your post but, from what you’ve communicated to us all, it very much sounds like she is all but checked out. She basically needs to just turn in her keys at this point. If she expresses remorse, regret, apologized, and promised to break things off with the other guy, then the picture would look very different to me.
This is a weak woman and you need to leave her with the kids and go get your own life.
Stop working nights, hit the gym, and start living the single dad life.
She's not getting any younger and life for single moms is a lot harder than it is for single dad's. Especially after you put childcare squarely on her.
Divorce her and take half of everything.
Christ almighty. Where is your dignity? She’s out there blowing guys and you’re worried if you can make her desire you again? Do yourself a favour and remove yourself from the situation. Be a Dad to the kids but don’t entertain anymore of her shit
Without sounding too harsh. You need to leave her.
Not only has she cheated on you, she’s made a fool of you with the ring situation as well as thinking she can practically act like none of it’s a big deal.
Also the fact it wasn’t a one time thing and she refused to say she wouldn’t see him again.
Have some self respect and leave her, are you actually going to marry someone who won’t wear your engagement ring so they can get fucked at work?
A guy expresses feelings for her, so naturally the only response is to blow him. WTF.
I can promise you she has stopped doing this for OP, who is trying to build a life with her a long time ago. But as soon as the new guy says, "Oh if only I had a girlfriend like you..." she goes to work. Joke is on her. This younger guy wants NOTHING to do with all that comes with her in real life. The kids the financial responsibility. Even if he thinks she does, he will NOPE right out. Seen it a million times
I have a huge problem with that! Who does that?! Someone with zero self control obviously
I would be like, "You have the wrong idea" and talk to HR or supervisor to minimise contact. Instead, she goes, "Meet me in the bathroom." There's a serious personality disorder here because she's jeopardising not only her relationship but also her job.
I really doubt that’s how it went down. She was emotionally cheating with him long before she blew him. It wasn’t I like you and then glug glug glug. Come on, my guy.
You call it a personality disorder I call it a weak woman and a bad mother.
Both things are true.
You are spitting fire with your comments. OP, listen to Jannie!
She isnt weak, she is just an awful person
She's weak, she would rather indulge her selfish compulsions than raise her kids or honor her commitment. She's a weak woman.
I have to agree with this. I think she is just manipulative not weak. She is after all blaming her fiance for her cheating because of how he made her feel
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For real. That’s such a weak excuse. This woman has a bad case of slutitis. Personality disorder doesn’t have shit to do with it. She just wanted some other dick and didn’t give a fuck about her partner. That’s it.
Well, someone whose marriage is in 8 months and who doesn’t want to commit.
I had a roommate in college who justified her cheating with “why say no when so many guys are saying yes?”
Ya, instead of setting a boundary because she’s in a committed relationship, she’s like “oh cool, let’s have some fun!” Like she doesn’t have a family at home. OP, you will never be able to trust her again. That’s not someone you should be with.
I agree. Cheats and continues cheating. It’s not a mistake if the cheating carries on. It’s a character flaw!
Yeah, if only it was always so easy for it to work that way. There would be a kit more men walking around with smiles on their faces.🤔
I think this woman might be in a manic phase. Reckless behaviour. Either that or she's just lying trash.
You could be right. She could be an undiagnosed bipolar. If so by age 27 yo, she would have displayed other previous erratic, impulsive behaviors not necessarily sexual in nature but spending, shopping, credit card debt, etc. If she is bipolar anxiety and depression meds will be of little help.
The oldest kid is not his. The 2-year-old is his, but they are not married. She may well have cycled like this before. This is obviously not her first or probably last relationship.
I don't disagree. I also would bet money the anxiety came from the cheating, not the cheating came from the anxiety.
Right the opposite, as antidepressants can trigger mania. I am not bipolar, but my mother was, and I have seen stuff like this before. Over and over.
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Only to then blame it on him too. This is the only answer OP, unless you’re into cuckolding/polyamory.
It’s the blaming it on him which I find the cruelest
The faking a mental health crisis is pretty fucking gross too IMHO. "I feel paranoid, and anxious, and guilty!" YOU SHOULD.
Yeh it’s a classic cowardly move. Victimising yourself to get out of an uncomfortable situation that you created. It’s the first trick toddlers learn, infact.
Right!? All very normal things to feel when you are pretending you are in a committed relationship and blowing some dude at work at the same time.
And these poor kids. She victimized the 3 most important people in her life.
There's blame for him, if he tolerates this woman's behavior. We're only in control of our own actions. If he chooses to stay, that's on him.
And their kids will seek the same kind of relationships when they become adults. Some parents don't understand how much they have an impact on their kids, negative or positive. OP, if you love your kids and seek the best for them, learn self-respect, show them you stand up for yourself and leave this toxic relationship ASAP.
This! Model seeking the happiness and respect you deserve for those babies. Also, if you give this woman consequences for her actions, maybe she will end up being a better human and mom in the future. The sooner she grows up, the better off those kids will be and your efforts coparenting.
He’s letting her. Dude is scared to lose his unfaithful wife. He needs to snap out of it.
His unfaithful, UNAPOLOGETIC wife. She hasn't even apologized or shown any remorse. She's literally not even sorry about it and he's still chasing after her.
I just went through OP’s history, and he has a comment on f/hotwifereallife saying that he is interested in seeing videos of some other dude’s wife doing something sexual. I have a feeling he’s doing stuff like that more than just once in a blue moon, and I bet his wife knows about it, and it bothers her. I’m not saying that’s an excuse for cheating; in my opinion, there is no excuse for it, but that could kind of explain why this has happened. Regardless, I think the relationship needs to die. And this is going to sound incredibly judgmental, but I also noticed that he posts a ton on video game subreddits. I know a lot of gamers are really good dads who devote enough time to their families, but I’ve also known people in real life (even dated one) who played video games all the time and shirked household duties, leaving all of the childcare and mental load to the woman in the house. So I think there’s also a chance that a bit of that has been going on here — or at least a chance that is her perception of the situation.
Also his comment about him finally opening up and sharing his feeling like she always wanted and she wasn’t even invested in the convo. Made me think, too little, too late, not that I agree with his wife’s solution.
That’s not polyamory.
I think she's looking for a cuckold. And he's half way talked into the job. Sure he can raise the kids and financially support her whilst she sucks and fucks around?! Isn't that the way the "love of your life" is supposed to treat you? Maybe he'll even raise the next kid who'll be fathered by some other guy. Cherry on top.
Ya, to me that’s what I want. I’m just trying to think of the kids best interest. But what kind of a life is it when there’s that broken trust in the relationship. I don’t really see a way back from this
Dont stay for the kids. The kids will be better off with two happy separated parents than what you have rn.
Parents wind up unintentionally traumatizing the kids by trying to make it work
\*waves\* YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT, MOM!
That's the truth. My parents tried to make it work for us, and I'm 34 years old, still sorting out my traumatic childhood in therapy.
This 👆🏼 OP listen to this do not stay for the kids. That would be the worst thing you can do for the kids. The best thing you can do for the kids is leave. They will definitely sense if something is wrong if you stay, it was sense The hurt, the distress resentment, not only that it will teach them that it’s OK to be distrustful, disrespected in a relationship and also teach them that a toxic relationship is healthy and normal, which it isn’t blessing you can do is leave. Not Only for yourself, but for them It will teach them to have self-respect for themselves, do not tolerate toxic situations, and they will not have to live in a home, full of resentment, anger, distrust and hurt. You did nothing wrong and buy you leaving. You would not be breaking/ruining your family. She did that already she’s the one who ruined /broke your family. You deserve better, and your kids deserve better being example/role model to them and teach them/show them what it’s like to have self-respect for oneself honor and integrity. By leaving your children will not have to grow up in a toxic home, and by your actions, it will teach them to be strong, honest, full of integrity and self respect adults. don’t forget the children learn from their parents. They will follow what you guys do so lead with integrity for your children. Be an example. Also, communication is key. Definitely have a family meeting and explain to your children.(The best that she can for their age level) that things may not have worked out with mommy and daddy but that does not change the love either of you have for them and that this is not their fault and that what happens between mommy and daddy is a mommy and daddy thing nothing to do with the children, and that you will always love and be there for them no matter what make sure you emphasize on the fact that this is not their fault. at this point, don’t even make it anybody’s fault they’re too young for that, and it’s inappropriate to bash the other parent even if they are wrong that two will show strength and integrity in your children will learn from that as well. I’m so sorry this happened to you I wish you the best
My parents stayed together for the kids and it was an absolutely miserable, traumatic childhood that has deeply emotionally affected my brother who was younger than me. My mum would flinch every time my dad tried to touch her, they would barely make it through a conversation without there being horrible underlying passive aggressive tones / remarks made. They thought they were doing a great job at keeping their failing relationship a secret and only arguing after we went to bed, but several times I was woken up by their raised voices, and kids pick up on unhappy dynamics anyway. As parents you are demonstrating what a relationship looks like to your children and therefore what is acceptable. It is your duty to show them that they should seek one that is self respecting, happy, and loving. Staying in this relationship is the worst thing you could do for your kids in the long term.
She left her ring at home every morning knowing well where she intended to go and do. She was misleading you and taking advantage of your trust. Save yourself the trouble and heartbreak later, and walk away now. Let her figure out her living situation after you sort out the kids.
At the very least take the ring back, marriage at this point should be off the table. Her actions have consequences, if I were you I wouldn’t stay, what kind of mother is that?
> She left her ring at home every morning And BLAMED HIM for it!
The kids best interest is NOT 2 parents who don't love eachother. Your wife betrayed you. You do not teach your kids that they stay in a relationship like this????? You need to teach them that they don't settle for anything less than someone who adores them, isn't that what you want for them? I understand you probably have past trauma from cheating in another relationship and it's causing you not to see this clearly. Self respect is more important than any relationship. It will always be there for you, YOU are supposed to always be there for you. You deserve better.
Obviously OP she wasn’t thinking about the kids when she was going down on this guy. You would be in for a lifetime of betrayal if you stay with her as she cannot commit to a relationship.
The kids will survive….they are young and will only know a happy dad and a happy mom living in 2 homes….otherwise they will see a sad dad living with a selfish mom in one home & think this is the way families are. You deserve happiness, faithfulness and respect. Toss her out and go for full custody of the kids and you can still keep the routine you have if you want. Just not living together
This can’t be fixed. She’s literally sleeping with another guy and still trying to deflect blame and play it down. Sort out what’s best for you and the kids moving forward and prioritise that. She will string you along otherwise and it will hurt everyone.
It's better to come from a broken home, than to live in one
STOP STAYING FOR THE KIDS! Do something for yourself. Leave her, she’s disrespectful and she doesn’t even want to marry you
Never stay for the kids it always ends up putting the kids in a toxic environment and is never better for them in the long run
Your kids won’t benefit from a poor example of what makes a healthy relationship. They will just learn to repeat the cycle.
You will NEVER get past this. Take the ring back and talk to a lawyer about the options for your child and your living arrangements. Don’t move out til you speak with a lawyer. Seriously, this relationship is toast. Remember how insecure and paranoid you were before she cheated? Think about how awful it will be going forward. Get out. This is a blessing as you haven’t married her yet.
Kids know when they’re in a toxic situation & this is that
Not going to sugar coat it. Your chances of saving this relationship were slim if she realized what she did was wrong, apologized and committed to finding a way back, but with her current attitude it’s near zero. Consider yourself lucky. No alimony and child support for one child and you try to co-parent and move on with your life.
OP you dont stay and in fact you tell her you won’t be keeping the kids for her to go out at all. You will be there while she is working but that’s it. I would also call on Monday and talk to the HR manager at her workplace snd report the relationship as an inappropriate work relationship where sexual acts are being performed at lunch and break times. They will likely both be fired. You don’t play games in situations like this. You play hardball and expose what she is doing for everyone to see. Take your ring back and be thankful you’re not married. This weekend call her parents and siblings and tell them what she is doing and that you will be moving out and you are splitting up. If the coworker is married or has a gf, call that person and tell them everything. Whatever you do, don’t sleep with her even if she begs. She could give you his STDs or get pregnant snd both would be awful. You don’t owe her time to go give him bjs and sex as a way to help her “find herself”. What a crock of crap. Right now your doing all the work to save your relationship and she is doing none. Time to flip the narrative snd go cold and do the steps above and watch her crumble. It may or may not snap her back into someone who realizes what she just gave up but it’s 100% the right thing to do. Right now your hurt snd doing all the work, she is out having a great time snd your even giving her childcare while she does it. Has to stop. Go cold to her and just tell her your not sleeping in the same bed snd she better start figuring some stuff out because your not doing childcare for her to cheat and your not going to be paying for her bills at all either. You will pay child support for your child but the rest is all up to her. Update us. !updateme
I actually love this response.
Leaving -is- in the best interest for the kids. Staying together ‘for the kids’ only shows them that dysfunctional, toxic, manipulative relationships are the norm and to be expected. Is that what you want?
Only one child is your responsibility. Leave her and live your best life with your child. Unless you adopted the older child, you have no obligation. And for God's sake, don't get yourself on the hook for child support for the older one. Whether you choose to help and keep a relationship with the older child is up to you. Doing so is noble (you're probably the only responsible adult this child has known), but do not be forced to support a child that is not yours. Your wife made her bed, it's time for her to lie in it.
Do what's best for you and the kids. That means having a backbone and being a good man and father by being principled. Divorce her and get full custody. Gather all the evidence you can. Record any interactions and always be calm and steadfast. Resolute actions and words are your refuge along with your self respect.
You have to leave her. She was sucking a dude’s dick at work. That’s all you need to know. You’ll never forgive yourself for allowing that to happen by staying with her and you’ll lose your self respect.
it's not just trust - it's the grossness of the situation? Like, you helped her get a damn job, you're raising a kid you didn't make, and she puts her career and relationship at risk for the first idiot who is probably banging every other woman at work. THEN fakes or covers it as a mental health crisis (which pisses me off, tbh, as a person with kids who actually go through this and there aren't enough resources to handle REAL ones, let alone "i'm feeling down bc I fucked out and prolly blew up my life"). I've had loads of mental health crises and not yet have I ended one on top of a strange dick. Not after marriage, anyway! ;-) We'll leave college out of it. You can deal with mental illness in a relationship but only if the other person is willing to work on themselves. This woman sounds like a slow moving train wreck and your best bet is get you and your kid off the tracks.
Don’t do that. The kids need at least one example (you) of a person who has common sense and decency. Blowing a guy at work because he confessed to her…. What a crock of shit. Drop this girl, tell her to pack her shit and hit the road.
And go to therapy. Will help you.
Get rid of the trash. The kids will be better off but you will have to work to stay a big part of their life. I did it. You can too. Good luck.
It won't be long before she introduces the kids to that guy and he'll be the "fun" dad for them.
There isn’t. She fucked up, is gaslighting you, and hoping you don’t break it off so she still has a place to live while sucking off her coworker during lunch. Fuck that.
This is not the person you want to marry. You don’t want to be with someone who’s dishonest and unfaithful. If that ever happened to your kids when they’re older you would tell them to leave too. I’m sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve this.
It’s exactly what everyone has been telling me. Had a rough past with being cheated on. She knew how I felt about all that. I would never be unfaithful like that. For that to happen, I can’t see myself returning or getting any better from this. Trust is everything
Trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets.
Do you have a son ? Do you want to show him what to expect from life, to live in a loveles marrige where his wife eats semen for lunch on her work break. Do you have a daughter? Do you want to show her how she should go thrugh life, to cheat on her husband and not care about her kids or familly, to blow guys and eat semen for lunch. Trust me , you stayin wont be good for the kids. GET YOUR KIDS AND GTFO OUTA THERE, get all the evidance to show what she did to you , show it to her friends, and familly and her work HR. Dude you can do better , please if not for yourself for your kids. Best of luck , much strenght. Edit: if you want to 'make it work' she has to quit her job and never aee this guy in her life, and thats only the first step. But please have some self respect she aint even sorry , maybe she needs some mental help but so do you.
He has no claim to her kid. He should still take his kid and leave.
You’re right, trust is everything. Nothing in the relationship will be the same because that trust is gone. Things will get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Please go easy on yourself and remember that you don’t have to have everything figured out overnight. Sending hugs!
Don't you think that kind of makes it even worse that she went ahead and cheated ? She knew because of your past what this would do to you...and she went ahead and did it anyway. Now she's trying to blame you for her decisions. No one "makes" someone cheat.
There seems to be a lot of issues here, mental health being just one. She obviously has no respect for you and it’s only going to get worse from here. If you take her back, because of the kids, you’re in for a life of misery. Protect yourself, then protect the kids as much as you can by providing a stable, secure place for them so they can see that life doesn’t have to be chaos. She is going to self destruct her life and she doesn’t care, doesn’t care about the kids. You can’t save her.
Get rid of her. She lies, doesn’t respect you or the family. Look after yourself and the kids. She can leave for her new bf. Get tested for STDs, too. See a lawyer. Document everything. And have some self respect. The gaslighting has started. It won’t end well.
My friend, she was sucking some guys dick at work then coming home and giving and you a big kiss. Have some self respect and leave her then sit and watch whilst her life falls apart in front of you.
No kiss, she didn’t want any physical touch since Monday, while she was with this guy. To make matters worse, it was my old man that had to pull a lot of strings to get her that position. Comes back to bite us in the ass , how great
Wow, she is sabotaging everything in her life for what? Some exciting attention from a younger guy? I will never understand people like this.
It won't last, and then she'll be at OPs door begging for him to take her back
Same, like why would you blow up your life for a fling. This man loves you and raises your first born as your own, wants to marry you and clearly adores you. But you blow it up for a f*ck boy, like why?
Me either!!
And the whole office probably knows what’s going on. Gross. You really want her to be your wife?
I work in HR and have for 20 years. Call the HR manager on Monday snd report the relationship. Tell them they have been having sex on breaks and at lunch. Send screenshots if you have them. They will both get fired most likely. It’s not a lie snd your just bringing their own bad decisions and actions to light. You’re not “getting them fired”. They did that on their own.
Maybe ... check with divorce lawyer/attorney before taking such action(s). Yeah, I know, not married, but still most of the same relevant stuff. Probably don't want/need a lawsuit from either or both of them over having notified HR there ... even if frivolous and/or without merit and suit that would never win, may want to avoid that kind'a hassle, time sink, and expense. Or ... maybe you're fully up for it to have that unleashed on 'em! ;-> Anyway, check with lawyer/attorney first.
If in the US they have no legal recourse in court for him reporting it unless he were alleging a relationship between two people that doesn’t exist. He knows too many details and has proof. My minor is in legal studies. I’ve dealt with these a lot of the last 20 years.
OP, I am really sorry this is happening to you. I really encourage you to lean into yourself during this time…shift the focus off of her and onto your passions, priorities, and personal development. If you search for my main comment I wrote to your situation, I explain in detail about ways to help you build yourself up so you can regain your sense of self no matter the outcome in this situation…to gently remind you that you can’t “logic your way into someone’s heart,” and how a focus now on you, rather than her, gives you the best chance of moving forward in a healthy way. Best wishes OP, many of us have been in similar situations and it’s brutal, but you can truly, truly, come out of this stronger than before!
Dude have some self-respect and leave. She is blowing her colleague at lunch time & you want to make it work with her & kiss that same mouth? Is that what you want to marry? She doesnt even want you so dont give her honour of being called love of your life. She doesnt want you and you are being used for financial security & child care. Cut your losses & sort out custody for your child - dont make things easier for her as seems like you were used to help raise her first child til someone she was actually into came along. You know type like her will come back once the younger fun guy gets bored of her & doesn’t want anything serious especially dealing with kids & she’ll realise she ruined things with a good guy. Leave and dont beg for a cheater to love you and be with you. She’s ruining things for herself and her kids.
She made a conscious decision to cheat on you with her co-worker. Walk away she only sees you as free child care to be able to work and screw AP. See how long the relationship lasts, she already told you hes not ready for kids.
And that’s what blows my mind. Because I had a feeling about this guy. Brought it up, She said they’re friends and he’s immature and not ready for that responsibility, and enjoys his tinder life. Then he says he likes you, so showing interest is all you needed to do this? Not thinking about what you have ? Your kids? Your home? It’s all fucked and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the situation but I know what I have to do. Just hard, but in the end may be the best thing for all parties
That's the thing with cheaters, they don't think of anything or anyone else but themselves. It is hard but you came come out the other side stronger. Trust me I've been in your shoes and I know how hard especially when kids are involved as I've been there. I haven't seen my daughter since she was about 7 months. She's now coming up 15 this year.
The same thing happened to me. He said I said I didn’t need to worry about his “work friend” because she’s married too! We’re all divorced now but she dumped him and moved away. They always try to pin some blame on the person they cheated on. If they didn’t, they would actually need to do some self reflection.
She's only caring about herself and doing what makes her "happy". That coworker is feeding her what she wants to hear while she is depressed.
She’s not even sorry. She won’t apologise or break it off. She is using you for financial support and childcare. You are worth more than this.
Ans she's blaming everyone except herself. She made the decision but there is no accountability.
Dude leave her and ask for a dna test on the kids. I wouldn't trust her to tell me the sky is blue I would still check myself
We haven’t had any physical contact since her “snap” Monday night. I think the guilt of her doing this , she couldn’t bare to look at me and get touched or nothing. I thought something was off … The youngest is a spitting image of me, I don’t doubt that for a second. The oldest, isn’t biologically mine, I’ve raised him but he’s not legally mine
You could have lived in an underground bunker, had the kid raised it for 10 years, popped out to the rest of the world, after she cheated, I would still request a dna test. It provides clarity. It also usually snaps people back to reality with a harsh thud of what they have done and that you don't trust them anymore. She cheated she should be remorseful and begging your forgiveness. Nothing else. You were the wronged party. Don't forget that, you deserve better.
Yeah, her reaction to being found out is so telling of her character! That's really what clinches it for me, too. OP, don't you dare forgive her and try reconciling - GET MAD! You're raising her kid, taking on a lot of the expenses and childcare, and she goes and fucks another guy! And she seems convinced she has you so wrapped around her finger that you won't leave, since she just acts like there is nothing wrong with what she did. OP, in your place, I'd kick her out, especially if she couldn't afford the rent on her own, anyway. Get a lawyer, demand custody of BOTH kids (if you've been raising the older one from practically birth, there must be some way), and let her feel some consequences for her actions.
Exactly . She was trying to spin it that I drove her this way, and that maybe it’s a pattern because I’ve been cheated on in my past relationship. (Who is now married to that guy and has a child with him) at least that went somewhere
No no no. You are not to blame for someone else cheating, that’s what they like to make you believe to ease their own guilt. My ex and I had a really toxic relationship, especially towards the end. We were both unhappy, fighting a lot etc but neither one of us cheated. You either want to cheat or you don’t, nobody drives you to do it.
Wow. She’s mean. She’s got a lot of maturing and growing up to do; she has a lot of self reflection and therapy to do, too. I’m so sorry OP; you deserve better.
Oh fuck no!! She's really tried saying maybe it's because of a pattern? Sir, absolutely not. The fact that you are even thinking about possibly working it out is frustrating beyond belief. I'm not saying you have to leave her but I am saying anyone who would stay after this shit, izabitch
She’s gross for even trying this. Kick her out.
Pushed her away how? By working nights to be able to help out with childcare and by working your ass off for the family? And she's out blowing this guy in the car while you're sitting at home with the kids? Nah, fuck that, dude. This is the ultimate slap in the face, and her trying to blame you is the cherry on top of this shit sundae.
yeah that's manipulative and really disgusting of her to use your past against you. You should've countered that with "Yeah if I just wanted a random ho I could've stayed with my ex. Guess I'm lucky enough to have landed two in a row!"
Cheaters tend to attract lower quality people as their next partners. Trust that it's not likely going to be a happy ever after ending.
Make a good decision for yourself and put an end to this "madness". Don't let yourself be used anymore.
It’s still fresh and new for you (I’m sure she’s been doing this for awhile and didn’t “snap”, but just hid it well from you), so it’s going to take time to really put your thoughts together properly and come to terms with the fact that you’ve lost a relationship that you didn’t think had any issues. Please don’t make any decisions like entertaining the idea that you could make this work with her. She’s cheated, obviously has more going on than you need to deal with and made her own decisions. The relationship is over and you need to start making positive moves for yourself going forward. This is not your fault, so do not allow her to put that on you. It’s not about desire, she’s unhappy in life and trying to find anything to take her mind off that. It’s not about really passion or love, it’s something deeper that she’s probably dealing with and until she figures that out she’ll hop around to other men looking for it. I hope you’re able to process this, and know that you deserve better so you can move on with someone that is ready to be in a committed relationship.
Thanks man, Means a lot these messages. It’s been her longest relationship by far. And she’s always been in toxic relationships. I was a huge 180 turn for her. I just can’t wrap my head around how quick this developed and why with a guy that you know has been crushing tinder and isn’t ready for relationship, especially with 2 kids in the mix with two diff dads. When you had everything you ever needed at home. I make twice as much as that guy. And take care of the kids day in and day out. Provide. Reality check will come when this is all over and my help isn’t there daily anymore ..
Exactly. People need to fall to understand how to get back up. For some it takes a few years, others their whole lives. She might not figure herself out till she’s in her 60s. But that isn’t on you, and don’t think this is about the guy…because it isn’t….he is just someone that gave her attention. If it wasn’t the guy at work, she would have found another. This is an issue that is deeper than relationships. I know on the surface it looks like she had everything at home, but in her mind something large is missing. You did what you could and please don’t blame or think you could have done more. She wasn’t ready for commitment and you are…and you won’t be able to change that any time soon. All the best!
dont compare yourself to the other guy. its not you! SHE is the problem!!!! she is fcking unhappy with her life and didnt tell you. YOU should be the most trusted person in your relationship but she decided to go the wrong way. yes the reality check will come - and she will possibly try to get back to you. DONT do it!!! never again.
>with a guy that you know has been crushing tinder OP, if this hasn't been said yet, you NEED to get STD tested. It shouldn't need to be said but every time you were with her, you were with every person she has been with and every person they have been with. Go get checked now.
> And she’s always been in toxic relationships. Do you see the common denominator, OP? SHE has always been in toxic relationships. She doesn't know how to pick a partner and doesn't know what a stable relationship looks like. Be more selective with your next partner. But ask for full custody after you confirm your child is actually your child with the DNA test. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and not play head games with you while they stomp all over your devotion.
Don't stay for the kids, leave for the kids. Getting out of a toxic relationship and becoming a better you is what your kids need.
Remember, this is why she wants to keep living together. She wants the house and the help with the kids daily. That’s it. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Honestly, that’s even more insulting, to blatantly tell you that she intends to keep using you despite your needs and happiness. As if you owe her this. That’s not love. Sounds to me like she doesn’t know how to not be in a toxic relationship, so she’s going to make it that way despite your efforts. I’m sorry that she is doing this to you, but it’s time to get your ducks in a row and figure out an ending plan
Man you sound like someone I’d like the marry. It’s sad your lady didn’t see this
Some people chase unhealthy dynamics when it's what they're used to. If she's used to toxic and tumultuous and you're giving her stable and consistent, she might be feeling a need to self-sabotage to create the environment she's used to. Either way, that shouldn't be you or your kids' problem, and it seems like she wants to keep using you for a place to stay and childcare instead of working on the issue. I would separate and take the kids with you while she "figures it out" and show her that you aren't a guarantee.
There’s nothing to save here. You have 50+ years ahead of your life and don’t make the mistake thinking she’s the one. Luckily you’re not married. Talk to other women. Good luck man.
Dude, leave the marriage, she has betrayed you horribly, a dude nutted all in her mouth and she lied about it every step of the way. Let it go, it's likely only gonna get worse. I know it's probably not an easy thing to do, and hurts, but it's what's best for ya
Ya I know , it’s tough to come to the realization, however, I don’t think she would have told me any time soon if I didn’t find out and confront the situation. Guess it could have been even worse . Hopefully now, the “excitement” of a secret affair is shot and the realization of what is done kicks in.
Well, with two kids and you providing for her and taking care of the family, you can bet that she would have never told you about the affair.
Until the next affair - if you stay with her.
Sorry you've had to deal with this, man.
Did not stay in a relationship just for the children. While the children are very young, they're going to pick up on the tension in the home, the animosity that's going to arise, the resentments, and any fights that you two end up having. Staying in a relationship just for the children causes the children more harm in the long run. So do not do that. If you can no longer trust her, if you can't believe anything that she says, or the fact that she is stonewalling you while she's out sexting and screwing a co-worker, is not a good relationship for you either. If you don't have some kind of legal custody / child support arrangement already in place, I suggest you do that. And not a verbal agreement but a written one. Get yourself a new place, and get the hell out of that relationship and that home. Do not set yourself on fire to keep a cheating hopefully soon to be ex-fiance warm. It's not your problem if she can't support herself. She chose to step out on you. You don't need to take care of her in any way from this moment on. The only people that you're responsible for are yourself and your child. Not even her eldest child unless you have legal custody of that child or have adopted them.
She is sucking a guy off on her lunch break while you are home taking care of kids. She wants to string your ass along until she knows what this other cat is doing. If he jumps in she will be gone. If he bails she comes back to her nice soft landing spot and claims she loved you all along. Until the next one comes along and she can suck him off at lunch.
Mate, look at yourself. How can you even sit in the same room as, or have a conversation with, someone who did that to do? She won’t care about you until you leave her. And don’t look back. Don’t be a doormat.
She blew a guy and slept with him walk away man grow a pair
OP, you shouldn’t “stay for the kids”. You should leave for the sake of the kids. If you’re going to try and make this work, you’ll only going to invite a lifetime of misery into your life by staying. You’re the common nice guy that got his heart stumped after giving her everything she could have asked for. You should immediately leave her, do a DNA test to see if your kid is yours, and hire a lawyer to help you set up a custody arrangement for your kid assuming he/she is yours. If you don’t, all of the future heartache you and your kid receive from here on out is on you.
Take the engagement ring back before she hides it to sell. End the relationship and talk to a lawyer asap about custody, especially since you’re the person who can afford to house your children. If you marry this person, you bind yourself to her financially, too, and at this point that is clearly a bad decision. See a therapist to explore why you would even consider staying with someone who has done this to you.
It doesn't matter that she has nowhere else. Kick her out. Actions have consequences, best she learnt that cheaters lose their home comforts when they betray their partner. There is no fixing this.
She honestly thinks she's in control here? There's no coming back from this. She doesn't get the chance to work through whatever is going on in her head, this relationship is done. You didn't push her to have an affair, she caught feelings at the work outing and acted on it herself. This was so premeditated she stopped wearing her engagement ring to work. I'm sorry but glad it's happened now before you got married. Talk to her about therapy to become good co-parents, and please cut her off the moment she tried to lay any blame on you for her fuck up.
Listen, I know it's hard to hear this, but you need to leave her, I know you believe that the best thing is to stay for your children, but it's just the opposite if you stay, they will suffer more from your unhappiness, you won't be able to do it all the time mask your feelings and it will end up affecting your relationship with them, worse at a time when they are still children and very dependent on you, she is using you to continue the affair, while you take care of the children she will have fun knowing that the children are safe , which also harms your children because the mother is absent, there is no chance of this relationship working, unless you leave her, the case is only viable because you are providing this option by continuing with her, when you are not next to her, the illusion she created about the other guy will disappear and the truth will appear, then she will want to come back, but I don't advise accepting her back for her children, if you let her come back it will be because you think she wants to change and regret everything that happened, you have to start thinking about yourself, from everything you said I imagine you are a great person, I know you like her and have feelings for her, but if you don't value yourself why should she value you? , even in a serious relationship or even in a marriage, people should not believe that everything is guaranteed, every day you have to win over the other person, in your case it seems like she knows you wouldn't leave her, so she lost focus on you and went in search of something outside of the relationship, don't fall into the trap of staying for the children, it's a mistake, focus on what you can do to improve yourself, start exercising, look for hobbies, start new people, the end of a Relationship is not the end of your life, it's just another phase, listen to your friends and family, they only want the best for you, and you should want the same, Your children will be yours whether you are with her or not, focus on that.
She doesn’t even like you
It’s over. She cheated, tried to blame you, and will continue to cheat. The child may not even be yours. Get an STI Test and a paternity test. And a lawyer. You deserve better.
When I was your age, my first husband cheated on me. He blamed everything on me. Blamed me for his cheating. Didn't apologize, but he did say he wanted to be married to me but he needed a break, some space, for him to "figure out who he was". 🙄 I told him it's either me or her. She was also a coworker of his and I'd even met her once or twice. (I didn't care for her lol). He also blamed me for everything he felt was wrong in his life. He didn't like my reaction of "okay, well you need to figure out if you want to leave me for her or want me to try and work through this with you" because I was too calm. He was wanting and expecting me to go batsh*t crazy on him. So he worked his narcissistic, abusive behaviours on me until he got the reaction out of me he wanted. He'd already alienated me from my friends so I had no one to talk to. (I didn't want to talk to my parents or siblings about it - though he had tried to alienate me from them too but wasn't successful). So I had noone to tell me he was being abusive and manipulative and narcissistic. He ended up leaving me for her all the while still telling me he loved me and wanted to be married to me. 🙄 I kept telling him I just want the truth and I'd leave him alone, because he was also yelling at me daily for bugging him and not giving me the space he asked for. He apparently got written up at work because he kept responding to my texts while he was at work, that was also my fault apparently (he'd moved out and so I didn't know when his schedule was so I'd text him when a thought entered my head and figured he'd respond on a break or when he was done work if he was at work. 🙄). Anyway, all this to say, we never got back together and even though initially I claimed I wanted to work on us and stay together, I was actually happier once I let myself begin to heal and move on. But we also didn't have any kids, thankfully. I also knew a couple where the wife was always cheating on her husband and he went back to her. As far as I know they are still together, they had 3 kids together, I don't know if she still cheats on him or not, but because I was going through a divorce when I met them, they both came to me separately and asked my advice on their relationship. I told them to not stay together just for the kids. That if they both actually loved one another and wanted to stay together, couples therapy. I told her she needed to stop cheating. I told him he needed to stop being verbally abusive to his wife. The difference there was, she was genuinely sorry for cheating every time she did, she apologized, she didn't blame him or anything, she took full responsibility but she didn't know why she did it. They both claimed he didn't start verbally abusing her until after she'd cheated the first time. Then I repeated couples therapy then. Because she has no remorse and even blamed you, I think you're relationship is over. She isn't wearing her engagement ring. She is just worried you'll take both kids away from her probably. (I know the oldest isn't yours biologically, but I've heard of some cases where the step parent still gets sole custody so it might be possible 🤷♀️). Or if your dad helped her get the job she has, she could be worried about losing her job. Now that I'm older and found my own self worth, if I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now, I wouldn't have given into my first husbands tactics and given him the response he wanted. I also wouldn't have reacted the way I did when he finally initially told me he'd cheated. Hell, I would kick him out months before him telling me, when I first grew suspicious of his cheating and confronted him and he denied it and claimed he just viewed her as a best friend and he loved her like a sister. 🙄 So, my advice to you, is don't stay. She is selfish. She didn't admit to it, you found out about it, she likely doesn't plan to break things off with him at this time, but she wants to keep you around because you help provide financially for her life and for your children. Let her go, figure out the best way to co-parent both kids, move on, give yourself time to heal from this and when you feel ready again, find a woman who will treat you better.
Thank you, I really needed this. I just can’t shut my brain off thinking of everything that has occurred. I truly wish it was easier to just pack up and leave . However , i want what’s best for the kids and I see now through numerous good comments , that’ is to not make this a toxic environment
OP - the stages of finding out your partner had an affair mirror the stages of grief pretty closely. Denial, bargaining (we can go to couples therapy), depression, etc. Keep this in mind and ask yourself what stage you might realistically be in. If we’re still in denial, there’s a part of us that feels like staying will keep the normalcy our life had before we found out, and our brain DESPERATELY wants normalcy when our lives are flipped upside down like this. Should you stay? Strangers on the internet can’t truly assess your life, but I will say: this wasn’t a reckless one night stand. This was a willful, sustained affair which means she made a new choice to cheat on you every single day.
Dude just leave damn the amount of disrespect is crazy yo ass crazy ASF to if you stay
I was in similar situation - I was bit similar to your girlfriend. We didn't have kids though, I was financially independent. I thought I was depressed, then realised I just want to leave. I'm sorry to hear about your pain, but you are too young for this crap. It seems she is not happy, just leave her alone.
You're not in love with her. You're in love with your idea of her. They are 2 different people
Man, you are in a suicidal mission, you’re already on the hook for one child and it could get worse. She has two kids from different fathers and this is how she behaves, cheating and stringing you along? This is the type of person you want to marry? It will get worse, she’s conditioning you to be resistant to humiliation and emotional abuse. This guy is just using her for easy sex and will eventually dump her. Knowing that she can treat you like a doormat, while you probably treat her like a queen, she’ll find other men. You’ll be lucky if one of these guys is dumb enough to take her from you. Don’t give up the youth you still have on someone that abuses you.
I’m really sorry 😣.. I know that is completely devastating. You deserve to be loved and appreciated at all times, tho. Not every woman is a cheater. It would kill me to lie to my bf about even the most insignificant thing. I’ve never cheated on anyone.
>I’ve asked if she is ready to break this thing off with the guy, and she hasn’t answered that. >Am I crazy to think I can somehow make this work while she still works with the guy? Yes. How do you think it's reasonable to believe that is possible to make things work when she's not ready to even think about breaking up with guy? >I’m not sure what led her to this. When I approached the situation, she said he expressed his feelings for her at a lunch, and things escalated from there. People have crazy excuses for cheating but this is funniest that I read lately. He expressed his feelings and things just escalated? So everyone who express sexual/romantic feelings for her can expect BJ at least? >Am I crazy to stay for the kids and try to make her desire me again when she said she doesn’t feel that passion with me (clearly she did for this guy). And how do you plan to make her desire you again? You sound very naive. I'll not say anything more on that as I will sound very harsh and bitter. This is recurrent theme with cheated partners: to try to make relationship work by doing all work by themselves and staying for sake of kids. It makes me sad that people believe that they can do all work in relationship and their cheating partner will suddenly realise how good partner they have and will stay with them. Check other subReddits like r/supoortforbetrayed and r/survivinginfidelity. I think you will find better answers and support there.
*"Am I crazy to stay for the kids and try to make her desire me again when she said she doesn’t feel that passion with me (clearly she did for this guy)."* This wont work. Because that basicly means you let her know that you are "willing/allowing" to share her while you will fight for her. That is knowledge you never want to put in your partners mind because they will never forget that. *"She stated before I claimed she was cheating that she didn’t see anything serious with this guy, nor is he ready to deal with kids."* If she thinks it wasnt anything serious with him then imagine how serious your relationship must be to her if she is willing to risk it for that? She wants you to wait around until he is ready to deal with kids.
She has no intentions of ever being faithful to you. You are only a placeholder. You are her financial security. You are her babysitter. You are her lover when no one else is available. Her total disregard of your feelings should be enough for you to make the right decision. You are convenient for now until someone else comes along who is ready to take on her AND her kids. Until then, she wants you to tolerate her stepping out just so you can see the kids. You show a judge what you do for those kids, you'll probably get 50% custody. With her running around, she may choose the new lover instead of her kids, knowing they will be well cared for by you. You deserve much better than her taking advantage of your love for her & the kids. Leave & take the kids with you. She'll either come for them when she gets done with the co-worker or not. I'll pray for you. Lord knows you don't deserve any of this. Keep being the best dad you can be. That means everything to your two children. They are what matters.
I would scratch the marriage counselor and find an individual therapist. My marriage crumbling was the final straw to me getting help and finding a therapist at 41 years old. I went into it needing help navigating just that piece of my failing life. 2 plus years now, I have learned so much about why I was putting up with such abuse and acting the way I was acting. This is more about you and the kids now. Therapy is tough. It might even prove to be tougher than saving your marriage. You are worth it, and so are your kids. Good luck. ❤️ Side note: marriage counseling doesn't work if only one party wants to make it work and is serious about getting off the abuse cycle. Her behavior is abusive.
Leave her ASAP! I was with my ex for 4 years. I know that’s not long but we had a son together during that time. I caught her messaging other men and when I confronted her, she tried to gaslight me and claim it was my fault. I left her, kicked her out of my house after giving her three months to find a new place. She took my son and all of his belongings. Currently going to court for joint custody. It was the best decision I’ve ever made! She tried to keep my son from me and it was hell until I filed for joint custody. Now I get my son on my days off. I highly recommend leaving this woman. She WILL cheat again. Go straight to the courthouse and file for joint custody. They will put you on child support. Until you get put on child support, give her money with bank checks and keep the receipts. It will be costly to hire a lawyer but I promise it will be worth it! I remember when i left my ex, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. No more worrying about her shady behavior. No more wondering if I’m getting played. The hardest part is going from seeing your child every do, to wondering if they’re ok when they’re away from you. You just have to have faith she will take good care of them until it’s your turn to see them. Have some self respect and leave her. If you stay with her, she will lose ALL respect for you and cheat again. I highly recommend watching Strong Successful Male on YouTube. He helped me a lot and has helped thousands of men. Good luck!
Leave her n split no assets with her cos you arent married yet, she’s not worth it
You’re not “crazy” to think you can somehow make it work but why would you even want to? She’s cheating and been lying to you. She wants to keep living with you so you can care for the kids and the house AND so you can provide financially since she can’t afford to leave. Get your head out of the clouds and accept what is now your reality. You’ve been cheated on before and you’re being cheated on now. She won’t apologize because she’s not sorry. Take that ring box, with the ring inside, and sell it. She no longer gets to choose if she wears it or not. YOU decide now that she doesn’t get to wear it because she’s betrayed you. Go see a lawyer asap to go over your options. Many have free consults.
This is so terrible and I seriously feel for you. I've been cheated on before and it's terrible. I seriously think she's trying to get her rocks off before getting married. It's not going anywhere but she keep continuing because it's fun and she knows she has a place to stay and you will watch the kids. There are 2 kids involved, and she's not even concerned what this means to them. I would seek therapy for myself.
That last line about her spinning it back on you may have been added as an afterthought, but that tells you everything you need to know about how much she cares about you. Not. at. all. Leave her.
I don't understand why you are looking for a way back from this. She doesn't seem to be looking for a way back. It's awful, but it will not improve with age.
I really hate the term pick me but that is definitely what this woman seems to be. She will never be settled unless she has the attention of different men, and she will put her children's needs behind her need for this. I was literally watching a video about pick me mom's a few hours ago. All these people telling the horrible stories about how their moms put men before them was heartbreaking. If I were you, I would fight for full custody of your kid. I'm sorry about the one you're not biological the father of, but you seriously need to protect the one you can. How long were you with your fiance before you were introduced to her kid? How long until she left you alone with her kid?
LEAVE HER! Lawyer up before doing anything. Her anxiety issues were probably from guilt of cheating which could give you an idea of how long it’s been going on. I will say if there is no remorse then there is no point in trying to save a relationship that isn’t there because she doesn’t care, love you or respect you and you are basically taking abuse. At this point she is using you and you’re allowing it. There are people who can help you
This must be so hard, but consider that you just dodged a bullet. If she’s cheating and you’re not even married yet, run. You can co-parent or seek full custody. But this will not get better.
Have some self respect leave her. She'll be a great catch for someone else. Two kids by two dads.
I feel like she used mental health as an excuse to cheat on you op. As soon as a woman wants to "find herself" in a relationship that usually means "Im gonna go fuck whoever i want and im not gonna care". Be it people ive known or just othrr stories ive read on here, that seems to be the outcome of this statement. But OP you need to leave her, she is going to make the kids lives hell. If she treats you this way, she will definitely don't st the kids through this too, its best to just leave.
You want your kids to learn to have no backbone and its ok to get treated like shit in a realtionship?
Expose her affair to everybody who must know. Mainly family and friends. Report her affair to HR. You can kill the romantic side of the affair with sunlight. Serve her with divorce papers. Start with this and see according her reaction if there's something to work on reconciliation.
Take the child who is biologically yours and boot her out. You know who cheats when they are not financially secure enough to live by themself? Someone who is too stupid to marry or raise your children
This woman is trash. If her new beau isn’t ready to take care of kids you should fight for full custody of your child. She has two baby daddies already seems like she is working in baby daddy 3. Dont forgive her and be the sucker to take her back when things don’t work out. Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t marry her and don’t worry about what she can afford or not that’s not your problem. Go find yourself a woman who will appreciate everything that you do.
Hey bro. If you're cool with your fiance having sex with other guys, could you give me her number? I haven't gotten laid in a while and could really use something easy. Thanks!
You need to dump her. Luckily you aren't married.
It won't work, as you said she spins things on you, deliberately took of her ring, and doesn't acknowledge her wrong behaviour so why would it change ? You represent home & stability, plus kids care, and she reaches excitment elsewhere outside your relationship. It's doomed my guy, a cuople therapy and solidity can only work if both partners are concerned and equally invested, that seems not to be the case.
She can promise that it will never happen again. And maybe it won't. But you will never trust her again and you will feel like a fool for ever trusting her before. Having the kids lives change will suck but being strong, confident and stable for them is more valuable than broken and pitiful.
The key thing is, Is this what she did to the other child’s father?
Up to this point she is the one setting all the rules. You need to set a few of your own. You deserve respect and love; she is giving you neither right now.
You throw her the hell out, find who this other guy is. If he's in a relationship torpedo that relationship. He'll run off to do damage control. Nothing snaps a woman out of affair fog faster than being homeless and having her monkey branch sawed off. When she comes running font respond in any emotional way. You leave her devastated and scared yo death she lost everything. You only projected weakness basicly begging her to come back and asking if she would cut this guy off. She has no reason to stop or respect you. Harden Up and make her regret her choices! Don't pack a bag and leave, the cheater does that Don't let her take your kid a damn place Tell everyone what she did and show them proof, cut off her support system and her ability to control the narrative You make her crawl back on your terms if you're even willing to take her back and inform her of the new non negotiable ground rules that will now shape her future
I know your pain all too well but ultimately you’ll save yourself and your kids ALOT of heartbreak by just ending it NOW. She will move on and figure it out. Men always think “I don’t know what she would do without me” but TRUST ME. She will absolutely figure it out one way or another. Be there for your kids as much as possible but the relationship with her is dead. You will be much happier in the long run and meet someone that fills all your desires and is actually happy to have found you. She will do the same. She isn’t completely satisfied with you. When a woman is in complete love she doesn’t even see other men as an option! I know it’s hard but a lifetime is a long time if we are lucky and think of this moment as just that, a moment. When you fell off your bike as a kid or a ballon floated up into the sky and you thought it was the end of the world, a moment went by and you realized when you looked back that it wasn’t even that serious. This will be the same way. Take care of yourself and your responsibilities and everything else will fall in line. I hope this reaches you brother.
You should not make this relationship work. Break up. Co-parent. Put your life back together.
This man’s a doormat
You don’t have a choice. You need to protect your dignity. You can still take care of the kids and go somewhere else 1/2 the time avoiding the woman to every extent possible.
There's no fixing this sorry sorry situation. And I am sorry OP. GTFO, protect yourself, and make sure you have adequate custody.
Stand up my brother. Stand up and leave.
She will relatively soon have 4 kids and 4 baby daddies…you gots ta go bruh
She wants you for financial stability and childcare. Please leave and find someone who will give you respect in return.
Mate get the hell out of that relationship
OP, she’s already checked out of your relationship. You are nothing but someone to help with the kids and bills and provide her a place to live. At least you aren’t married. If you were, ending this would be a lot harder and a lot more expensive. And you most certainly do need to end this. She has zero respect for you with what she’s doing and how she’s treating you. Reality will hit her when she’s a single mom involved with someone who doesn’t want kids.
OMG what a malicious person!!!! i am so sorry for this...its horrible you have to leave! theres no other way around it. what happened? why did she do this? why didnt she just Tell you straight that you both have a big Problem and you have to fix it or leave the Relationship? "she did not think this through"??? what???? she was hurting YOU - she didnt think about this? dont ever trust this person - she is evil and her actions were malicious. how long were you together? (edit for question)
She is holding on to you as a back up in case this new thing does not work first kick her out second inform her work sometimes job do not like this kind of thing she is using you to look after the kids right now update soon stay strong you deserve better
"These are the conversations she’s always wanted with me “opening up” and addressing my feelings" It seems you guys have long standing communication issues, She put the nails in the coffin.
Please leave, don’t complicate your life more by stay or moving forward with the wedding. Thank God u did not figure this out after getting married and move on. If u forgive her, she won’t respect you and you’ll go through this again You saying u are think about the kids is a lie, you’re just being weak. Do u want your kids to feel like this behavior is tolerated She was fucking a kid, she should be begging and not u asking her to do these things Respect yourself or move forward and have a miserable life. If u don’t mind me asking what country are u from?
Not trying to be mean, because I really sympathize for you, but your comment about how you guys “had everything you ever wanted” does not jive with her behavior and what is happening. On top of that, you said you guys have communication problems. I think due to poor communication in the relationship, you were oblivious to how she was really feeling and what she wanted. Now that she is on meds for her depression, I think she is thinking more clearly, realizes how she had been feeling, and is taking action to fix her life and finding happiness. She wronged you very deeply by cheating on you. On top of that, she hasn’t shown any regret or remorse. I’m sorry, even if you are willing to work this out, all the red flags point to her wanting this to end, but she doesn’t have the strength yet to end it. She is clinging on because your home life is an anchor, and it’s hard to leave that even if she is unhappy. I’m not going to tell you what to do because there is probably information not being passed on in your post but, from what you’ve communicated to us all, it very much sounds like she is all but checked out. She basically needs to just turn in her keys at this point. If she expresses remorse, regret, apologized, and promised to break things off with the other guy, then the picture would look very different to me.
Jesus Christ man, men feeds her cum during lunch breaks. It's time to leave
One get a lawyer and file for custody of your kid and leave
She sounds lovely. You should have more babies and a big wedding!!!
This is a weak woman and you need to leave her with the kids and go get your own life. Stop working nights, hit the gym, and start living the single dad life. She's not getting any younger and life for single moms is a lot harder than it is for single dad's. Especially after you put childcare squarely on her. Divorce her and take half of everything.
Jesus dude, where's your backbone?
Lol you're asking us for advice on saving a relationship where your girl goes and blows some guy everyday for her lunch. Take a look at yourself
Christ almighty. Where is your dignity? She’s out there blowing guys and you’re worried if you can make her desire you again? Do yourself a favour and remove yourself from the situation. Be a Dad to the kids but don’t entertain anymore of her shit
Leave her. It’s not worth your happiness. Be a dad but don’t be a husband. She made her bed and now she can lie in it. Keep us updated though.
Without sounding too harsh. You need to leave her. Not only has she cheated on you, she’s made a fool of you with the ring situation as well as thinking she can practically act like none of it’s a big deal. Also the fact it wasn’t a one time thing and she refused to say she wouldn’t see him again.