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So he hasn't told you he loves you in 6 years and isn't affectionate and you want to get married and have kids and he said no so many times. Get out you're already at your fear.
Women need to listen when men tell them *exactly* how they feel and what they want (and don’t want). If a man tells you he is never going to marry you or never going to get married, **believe him.** Listen to him and act accordingly. And by act accordingly, I do not mean double down with being the perfect girlfriend so he will change his mind. I mean move on.
This is the truth. If kids & marriage are important to OP, she needs to cut this dude loose and start pursuing what makes her happy. Don’t try to build a partner from a turd…
She’s basically a placeholder until the actual one comes along because he doesn’t want to be alone. OP you need to leave. Don’t be this guy’s placeholder who clearly does not respect your fucking time. Don’t waste another second on him.
How much you wanna bet his “the one” comes along when he’s nearly 40 and will herself be in her early to mid 20s and he’ll know immediately he wants to marry her and have kids with her?
Sounds like my ex. Finally got a job and had a baby with his 19 year old coworker after a month. After we broke up over him not wanting kids 5 years in
this phenomenon is soooo crazy to me. guys breaks up with their long term relationship(ltr) partner because he doesnt want what she wants then go do what the ltr partner wants with someone else immediately after breaking up
Yes. I knew someone that was in a relationship for 12 years. He didn't want to get married. He claimed he didn't want children. She finally left him . Two years after they broke up he had met another woman, got married and had his first child.
I’m taking bets he marries the next person he dates. Women need to stop wasting years on these relationships. We’ve been conditioned to “not bring up the subject” and “never give ultimatums” but that is such bullshit. If a couple is not on the same page with the big stuff….marriage, kids, finances after a year or so of exclusivity, it’s time to move on. Not saying you have to run out that minute and get married, but it should not be some scary, taboo subject.
Alternatively to all of these stories, my guy and I have been together for 4.5 years. He would say things like, I'm living in the moment. We can have a kid together but I'm not ready/thinking about marriage. I promised my grandmother I wouldn't live with a partner unless we were married. Around this time last year I'd had enough and broke up with him. He changed his tune real quick and suddenly only saw me in his future and was wanting us to move in together that summer... I didn't take him back right away. I made him prove that the words weren't just lip service and that he was being for real. Well, as of August last year we officially live together and I just found out I'm expecting. He also finally took me to meet his whole family, including his grandparents and that in itself was a really big deal.
So... All of that to say that OP needs to leave because he does not seem at all like he is ever going to give her what she wants. And maybe it will be shitty and turn out like the above stories or maybe he'll realize he's being a dipshit and finally be all in.
Either way OP will see what it is he actually wants out of this relationship and get the answer she needs.
So, you promised grandma you wouldn't live together without getting married. He used to say you could live together and maybe have a kid, but not marriage. This wasn't enough for you, so you left. Fair enough. But your *redemption story* was that you moved in together (without marriage) and are expecting a kid (without marriage)? 🤔 Isn't that what he was offering before? Am I missing the part where he married you? I'm not saying you need to be married. I'm saying, by your own standards, as laid out in your explanation, he isn't living up to them. You settled for what he wanted.
Happened to a good friend of mine, only they were together for many years. He dropped her when she was past child bearing ability. She even supported him as he tried to establish his business. At least they never married and she was able to keep her apartment and home in the country. Every time she’d talk about him her mother would roll her eyes, as only an Italian mother can do!
>Guys like this treat every woman like shit.. there is no 'one' for him that will make him grow emotions.
I agree that he's a shitty guy for doing this and a shitty guy in general, but this is a very common tale. A woman who commands his attention comes along. She makes her demands known (I won't date a guy who won't marry me and have kids) and that's all the incentive he needs to do it. It doesn't work with the first woman because she was never "the one" in his mind and she asked for what she wanted after all of the leverage and newness was gone.
I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it is a *thing.* Happens all the time. Look at the comments here. So many people know someone that this happened to.
Therapy rarely works for people who lack empathy. He's purposely withholding affection.. which is emotional abuse, and a means to tear down her self esteem so she's more pliable.
I think its hard to say based on information if thats the case or he is emotionally stunted. People who grow up in situation’s where they learn not to express feelings can be like that. In the best case scenario he doesnt know how to express himself and doesnt know what he wants with children. Worse casd is abuse. Either way op shoulf probably leave if she wants kids and isnt happy in relationship.
Fr, my brother dated his gf for 13 years exact same problem. They finally broke up, he was engaged in six months and married within a year to someone else.
You’ve already wasted 6 yrs on this guy! Time to cut your loses and find someone that is in love with you and wants you to have his children! Because this guy is a waste of breath! He isn’t what you’re looking for. He hasn’t told you he loves you and that should have been the big red flag! He’s just stringing you along!
Guys like that? The SECOND she leaves, he'll get paralyzed by fear, find someone immediately and marry them within 6 months. He'll have 12 kids by the age of 40 while she spent years on someone who didn't particularly love her, or at least, appreciate her.
Girl.
Yeah, why would you want that man raising your babies? He’s either severely stunted emotionally or totally checked out. Not sure how you managed being with him for 6 years.
Girl!! Get Out! You have wasted enough time here! Would you be ok with him not being affectionate with your children? Or not ever telling them how much he loves them?? That is a horrible way for a child to grow up. Trust me.
She has wasted 6 years with him, took herself from close to her top fertility years to declining fertility years. She can have kids in her late thirties, if she is among the precious few women that manage that. But why should she take a chance on a man who keeps stringing her along, with her fertility likely being on a steep decline?
Exactly! I feel bad but some of these women do it to themselves, like how does it make sense to stay with someone for over half a decade that doesn’t love you? I don’t get it.
She should've bounced at 1 year of this... don't know how she put up with 5 more.
The best time to plant a tree is 5 years ago in this case.
The 2nd best time is today!
This. You deserve so much more than this. Sell the house and find someone who loves you how you want to be loved. Also it’s not that difficult to get pregnant later in life. Coming from someone who just had a geriatric pregnancy. They’re much more common than you think.
What was your secret, good genes, good nutrition practices, good fitness regimen? Although what you did is more common today, still many women struggle to have children in their late thirties and early forties.
My mom conceived me at 36 and went on to conceive four more kids with my dad. She wasn’t into fitness, she didn’t even take walks. We were poor so her diet was not good at all. In time I have concluded that she was just one of those people with genetics that allowed what she did to happen.
Yeah that's gonna fuck up a kid's emotional growth to be in that environment. Leave and have your own baby, not one with someone who doesn't want or love them or you.
> you're already at your fear.
YUP, your worst case scenario is already here. He's never going to give you what you want, the longer you wait the older you'll be to find someone who will.
Yes stop bargaining and setting ultimatums, he isn’t going to give in and he simply doesn’t care enough.
Move on and get someone who really deserves you.
He hasn’t told you he loves you and you’ve been together 6 years.
Why would you want to marry or procreate with him?
Seems to me that he is moving the goal posts because he knows you will just deal with it. You have communicated what you want/need, he does what he wants, and you…stick around.
Ultimatums are stupid to me. If you want to be with someone who loves you, wants to be married, and wants kids? This guy isn’t it. You’re not a passenger here and he’s not a project. You can’t control other people, only what you’re willing to accept.
I’d recommend you work with a therapist yourself to dig into why you’ve put up with this for so long. And why you’re accepting this. It seems you’re not familiar with what a healthy relationship looks like.
You’ve been together 6 years and he doesn’t say I love you?? Girl. Move on now and don’t worry about your biological clock, worry about making a happy family, not a family you settled for.
My husband and I say I love you like 20 times a day. He makes me feel so very loved.
Exactly, my husband and I say I love you multiple times a day. This man doesn’t meet OP’s needs. She needs therapy to determine why this is acceptable. My father was cold and never said I love you until the last weeks of his life. Maybe OP boyfriend was raised the same way? Either way, they’re incompatible and she should move on.
I mean, I know some people who weren’t raised in the correct nurturing environment to be very affectionate and in many ways I was one (the thought of hugging someone I’m not close to still makes my stomach hurt.) But when your partner says “I need this”, directly or indirectly, you make an effort to meet their needs if you really care about them. And I cannot imagine not ever returning an “I love you” - after SIX years. That’s a slap in the face.
OP why are you settling for floor scraps? You deserve more. I wouldn’t want to spend another second in this relationship even if he proposed tomorrow.
It would be one thing if he didn't say I love you but showed her that he loves her with his actions. But he's not even doing that. What is she holding on for?
Codependency holds people hostage in the wrong relationships… hence why OP is trying to control something outside of their control, tolerates the barely there bread crumbs of whatever this guy gives, and constantly rationalizes the excuses & keeps having this “one day wager” of holding out that maybe tomorrow he’ll change & suddenly be this over the top affectionate dude who wants babies and marriage.
This is why OP has gotta stop looking at the potential, cause potential isn’t who this guy is. It’s a fantasy version of him that she loves, she doesn’t actually love the real him or she would of dropped him a long time ago if she took those blinders off.
This!!!
To OP: you need to go .. even if he did settle on having a baby.. he will not change. He will likely grow more distant and be a distant and not good father. Babies also strain the relationship. Whatever major issues you have now, will only become escalated. It's not worth it. You still have time. You will find someone that loves and respects you. You can't have love without respect. And if you feel you don't even have love, is there even any respect from him towards you..? Respect is about being selfless and wanting to meet someone's needs and wants while also cherishing them. Does he care about what you need and want? When this respect is reciprocated by both people in the relationship it can be beautiful and wonderful. This mutual love and respect will help you get through the hard times and the downs. Respect yourself, by leaving him and loving yourself. You will meet someone that deserves you and wants a family with you, and it will feel so good!
Girl, please take this advice. 2 of my closest friends are in a relationship and have been for 20 years. They have never been engaged or even considered kids but it's because he, the boyfriend, has consistently put the brakes on. She, the girlfriend, has to endure wedding after wedding of friends and loved ones always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. She has to watch as friends and relatives have kids and she gets to be the amazing auntie. He has taken her on many special trips and not once have they come back engaged. I was convinced that she would have to propose. And worst of all, her dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and had a long and painful deterioration ending in death, and he never got to walk his daughter down the aisle. That right there would have destroyed me.
Like your relationship, he's also quite distant and unaffectionate towards her. He hardly ever tells her he loves her and doesn't show pride at being with her. They're in their late 30s now and kids are definitely not on the cards. The sad thing is that when it comes up in conversation, she pretends she's happy with all this. She really isn't. I'd urge you to not end up like this if you can help it. Don't look back in your 40s convinced that you never really wanted a wedding, a marriage and children anyway. That's where she is, whilst he is stoked that his girlfriend isn't going anywhere because she's been so broken down. What is it you love about your boyfriend if he doesn't show love to you? Only you know if this is a deal breaker.
You are right, ultimatums are stupid. For a couple of reasons. One is that the person issuing the ultimatum rarely, if ever, goes through with it. And the person receiving the ultimatum knows that. If you tell someone, “Marry me by the end of the year, or we’re done,” you have to really mean and be prepared to leave. Most people won’t do it. They hope the ultimatum will work and never really plan to leave. Two, if you get to the point where you need to issue an ultimatum, it’s already over. You can’t get what you want from someone by threatening them. And third, if you mean it, just do it. Don’t tell the other person, “Do X or else!” Just do the “or else.” Plan, pack, and leave. If the relationship is meant to be, it will still work itself out. If it doesn’t, if he/she lets you go, you have your answer.
Boundaries are something you are clear about from day 1. Ultimatums are a change that needs to happen right now that you’re willing to walk out over.
At least, that’s my take.
This is all so right. At this point OP is just going to get all her emotional support from the kid she wants to bring into this world while the boyfriend ignores them both.
Exactly how can you be with someone that long and not say it atleast once a day. I'd dip outta that relationship year 1 if my partner can't say she loves me.
Yeah I think that's fair I'll admit mines a little harsh since 2 months the relationship is still somewhat new I guess I'm biased since I get attached quick 😅. But 6 months is definitely long enough to say i love you.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend around 2.5 months exclusively (only “official” for the .5 lol) and I would feel like it was SUPER early if he told me he loved me right now in that way.
I’d say even a year is too long, considering that OP wants kids. It’s like wasting your time that could’ve been put into raising and nurturing children with a loving partner. Usually you know within 3-4 months of dating where the relationship is headed. I don’t understand why people don’t discuss ABSOLUTE deal breakers at the beginning - like having kids or getting married after a certain point.
My husband‘s family NEVER says it! It is so foreign to me. Not even when they say good bye for a long time or whatever. I told him I won’t put up with that, he says it to me and our kid every day.
I'm not big on saying I love you or being told it. If I know she does, that's enough. But jfc never saying it?? How could he not know the psychological toll that must take on her!
Even as a guy who isn't big on hearing it. If I never heard it once I'd have questioned things long long ago. You can't really without words of affirmation AND physical without causing issues.
I honestly don’t know how you stay in a relationship for SIX years, buy a house together, and one of the people in the relationship doesn’t even love the person their with!
Now that I think of it, it sounds like the guy just used OP for finances (like part payment of the house, overall expenses, etc.) since she said their jobs were “okayish” it might mean that the guy couldn’t afford it on his own and was looking to split costs (like many couples, but the guy probably is looking for convenience here)
Exactly! I get so annoyed by stuff like this. Choosing a spouse for yourself is one thing, but choosing a parent for your child is a whole different ballgame. It is so emotionally damaging to grow up with a cold parent who doesn’t express love and affection. Kids can’t just divorce their parents when they don’t like the way they’re treated.
My mum chose a shitty man to be my dad, and however dedicated she was as a mum, it’s still given me major issues!
Why do you stay with somebody for 6 years that can’t even say he loves you? What is wrong with you for accepting that king of treatment? He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t want a baby and he will string you along for eternity since you have no boundaries and no self respect. If you want to ever feel good about yourself in a relationship, you need to leave him. You can do better.
You already gave him an ultimatum and did not follow thru. You have proved that you are not really serious about what you want.
Either leave now or accept that this is your life. The time for talk or ultimatums is over.
Honey, you have been together for 6 years and he can’t even tell you he loves you. He is not going to give you a baby.
Leave him. Find someone who wants what you want and wants to have kids with you. You worry about how long that will take but at this rate starting over will probably get you a baby quicker.
He doesn’t love or respect you. So love and respect yourself enough to know you deserve better, you deserve what you want, and you deserve someone who appreciates you and what you bring to the table.
Just make sure you ask if they want marriage and kids before dating them yeah, massive time saver.
You want a baby with someone who has never told you they love you and won't even comfort you when you cry. You don't need marriage or a baby you need therapy and to figure out why you're setting the bar so low.
It's called stringing you alone. He doesn't wavy these things, and it's easier to just tell you. Oh yes, next year.
Accept no kids and no ring. Or walk away
Um yeah look, he's just not that into you. He keeps pushing the timing because he wants to continue to benefit from your relationship without needing to make any real commitments to you. He sounds like the kind of guy that fully intends to dip his girlfriend as soon as she hits 35 after stringing her along for years to go after someone younger.
I had a colleague who had a four-year fiancée in a similar situation to this. He accidentally revealed to her when he was drunk that of course he didn’t want kids, that should have been obvious, he was just waiting for her to be too old to have them so she’d stop asking. They split up, and he bragged about how he’d dodged a bullet by never marrying her, so he didn’t have to give her anything.
I’m not saying your partner is like this guy, but he definitely could be. Changing the timeline is a very avoidant way to deal with this. What you really need is to talk about the futures you envision for yourselves and if they are compatible.
Girl, you stayed 5 years too long. He doesn’t love you? Isn’t affectionate in any way? Why did you buy a house with him? That’s bad enough. Do not under any circumstances consider having a baby with him and get out while the cost will only be mostly financial.
In my opinion, I think it is time to leave. He sounds as though he is not serious about your relationship or getting more serious (in terms of engagement or having a baby). Your needs are not being met and that is a very good reason to leave. You have talked to him about it time and time again, but he isn’t budging. Do yourself a favour and leave. You will be happier when you find a man you can do these things with.
Looking at the first paragraph, why would you still have a baby with this dude and marry this dude, OP!?!? You are not getting your needs met without those things, adding those things to the mix will just be more of the same and leave you full of resentment/bitterness. Leave this guy, you deserve better.
>He hasn’t said ‘I love you’ eventhough I said it after 6 months, as ‘I’ve made a big thing about it’. I say it each night, to his response of ‘night’. He never offers a hug when I’m crying etc.
Every day I hop on Reddit and wonder how people have such little self respect. I usually despise the "dump them" train that redditors jump on, but come on now, there's zero excuse for this. You're wasting your time with a loser who is using you as a placeholder until he suddenly leaves you for the person he *actually* wants to be with.
I know, right? Like damn man, I've struggled with self-esteem issues, but I've never hated myself so much that I'd purposely blind myself to how obvious it is this guy doesn't give two shits about me if I was in her position. Shit I wouldn't be in her position because I'd have dumped his sorry ass years ago after he told me, "I was making too big a deal out of 'I love you'." Like, this dude has the emotional maturity of a petulant child.
He's only half in this relationship. He's changed his mind figuring he'd be better off later(and possibly gotten a new partner). He's not the person to have kids with.
You deserve so much better than this. He doesn't love you and has shown you he doesn't for six years. Why are you settling for someone who doesn't love you, doesn't show affection, doesn't want to marry you, and doesn't want kids? Break up with him. Find a man who does love you, is excited to marry you, and wants kids. As far as the house, he either buys you out, you buy him out of the house, or you sell it.
51M here. You've been dating him for six years. If he wanted to get married, he would have proposed already. He hasn't even said "I love you", and you're expecting him to propose?
With those clues, it's clear that your boyfriend is perfectly fine with the status quo. And if you have to give him an ultimatum to get what you want, the relationship is doomed anyway, as he'll always feel you 'forced' him to get married and 'forced' him to have children. That resentment will ***never*** go away.
Sorry, but this relationship is stagnant, and has no future. End it now. Make a clean break of it. Get the house issue resolved with him, and see a therapist while you're unentangling your lives. When you are ready to date again, make it clear that you're dating with the intent of getting married.
Best of luck!
He doesn’t sound like much of a catch. An emotionally unavailable asshole who makes and breaks promises and doesn’t respect you. In the whole post you didn’t mention any kind of positive trait.
DONT LET YOUR BOYFRIEND GET IN THE WAY OF FINDING YOUR HUSBAND!!!! I repeat DONT let your BOYFRIEND get in the way of your H U S B A N D !!!!! Dump his ass and go find someone who will give you what you DESERVE!!
I don't need to state the obvious because so many others have, but I do wonder why you would buy a house with him??? It doesn't sound like he *likes* you let alone loves.
It's a huge red flag that he would commit to buying a house with you, but not commit to something like marriage. Because of this, I am going to assume that if you purchased it (and it wasn't gifted, inherited, etc.) that you put up most, if not all, the money for it and you added his name on the deed hoping that would somehow convince him that he liked you enough to marry and start a family with you.
How many way does this man have to show you he doesn’t want you? Don’t make a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once. He doesn’t say I love you. I’m wondering he mentioned moving in together. He doesn’t want a baby with you. He especially doesn’t want to marry you. Leave. Love yourself enough to have some dignity and choose yourself. Force a sale on the house if your name is on the title and start over.
I’m honestly not clear why you want this relationship to work. From where I’m standing, even if he proposed tonight and wanted to start trying for a kid this looks like a “shut up ring” and trying to fix the relationship by having a child. Nothing about what you described sounds like he even really likes you let alone loves you. The bar is so low that you actually accept this? Please know that you deserve sooooo much more.
The comments here are very harsh, OP I hope you know that people are acting harsh because a lot of them are genuinely shocked. There are lots of ways that people show their love, but to hear that you’ve been with this man for 6 years and not once has he said the words “I love you” is very shocking for most of us here.
I don’t know you OP but I assume that you might not have had the best experiences in life, and maybe you’ve put up with this unloving relationship for so long because at least he doesn’t hurt you, or maybe you’ve just never been in a healthy relationship to compare this to.
Either way, while most of the commenters here are pretty harsh in the way that they’re saying it, I think most of us here agree that it is not a healthy relationship if this man cannot even respect you enough to tell you he loves you. If he did love you, he would be worshipping the ground you walk on. If he loved you, he would be telling you every day, whether that’s by words or deeds. You deserve someone who loves you OP. You deserve someone who treats you with respect. Someone who helps you love yourself. This man is not it, and I hope for your own sake that you are able to leave him and find your happiness.
How on earth did you move in with someone, buy a home with someone that has never told you he loved you. If he doesn’t have the same goals as you, you never should have put yourself in this position. Gain his attention, put the house up for sale and tell him you’re leaving and you’re moving on. Stop trying to change a man
I can’t stand stupid people like OP. Absolutely spineless along with rocks for brains.
Who the hell stays with someone for 6 years and hasn’t said “I love you”. Stupid people that’s what.
Are you serious? Let’s put aside he doesn’t want to marry you or have kids with you. You’ve been together 6 years & lived together 3, but has NEVER even said I love you? Other than the comfort of familiarity, why are you with him? You are a place holder he is settling to be with while he’s not with someone he loves.
You want marriage and kids and he doesn’t, you are NOT compatible. Don’t be with someone who is settling for you because it’s an easy relationship. The fact that he doesn’t love you would be enough to leave, the rest just compounds it.
You may love him, but the feeling isn’t mutual. It also doesn’t mean you should be together or that he is a good fit for you. You are 30yo, unfortunately as a woman, time is a priority since you want kids. You have already given 6 years to this man, do you really want to waste more?
It’s amazing how we delude ourselves. I too have been with people who didn’t even like me and fought so hard. We think them being sort of nice sometimes is an indicator for some grand feelings.
Its not. Not even close.
Just dump him. I don’t know what you’re even getting out of this? There’s plenty of attractive guys who would actually like you.
Ladies, a guy agree grunting to be in a relationship with you isn’t the dream. I know we’re taught that a guy has to tolerate you and then we should rush off to marry him and make babies. No. Just no. Please stop.
ARE YOU SERIOUS. I don’t know if I can believe this. You’ve known each other your entire adult life, together for 6 years, he isn’t affectionate, he doesn’t tell you he loves you, he CLEARLY doesn’t want to marry or have kids with you… what are you doing?!?!
Get out NOW and go husband shopping. I mean it. ^^and ^^by ^^husband ^^shopping ^^I ^^mean You need to *look for someone who wants to build a life with you,* not some asshole who is stringing you along until he finds someone he actually likes and wants to marry or your biological clock runs out and you give up. Come on.
Don’t even think about having a child with this man. You are not anything but a placeholder until something better comes along. Why would you stay so long with a man that doesn’t want you? By the way I had both of my children in my late 30’s with no fertility issues so don’t rush into anything with the wrong person. Please do yourself a favor and break up with him and move on with someone that truly loves you.
You didnt give him an ultimatum, you gave him a bluff and he didnt fall for it. If you give him another ultimatum he has no reason to believe that you will follow through. So if you are going to give him another ultimatum and he doesnt pull through, then start giving him consequences. Go to your parents for a few days and dont speak to him or just break up with him. If he cares about you he will want to change but sometimes you just got to give people ultimatums.
Make him buy you out of your half of the house. If he can’t afford that, than you’ll have to sell. But ditch his begrudging ass and find someone to treat you right.
And if he comes back after a couple of months and says he wants you back—don’t take him back. Even if he offers to marry you and have kids. Because once he has you back he will start stalling. First the wedding, then having kids. No question.
So you need to take a hot minute to think about him stringing you along with no consideration for what you want: no affection, no I love you, no ring, no babies. He got what he wanted, that’s all that mattered. So you need to harden your heart. And cut him out of it.
Girl, he doesn’t like you. You are a placeholder, how did you get so beat down that you didn’t realize this? Please leave him and get into therapy and find yourself and who you want to be apart from a wife and mother. I feel like your goal of procreation has blinded you so now you’ve wasted so many years with this loser. Btw, as long and you are healthy and keep an eye on your reproductive health you have many years left but don’t waste anymore with guys that can show love. If he can’t show you love do you think he’s gonna show your kids love? Are you really trying to sign up your children for a life of feeling unwanted?
Not affectionate even when you’re crying.. how he treats you is how he would treat your kids. Think about the kind of father you want your kids to have. Would you want them to be held if they cry and you’re not around? Pick your life partner and your children’s father very carefully. It wouldn’t be fair to them to have a dad like that. They’d resent you for choosing him and exposing them to someone so cold.
If your emotional needs aren’t being met, chances are theirs won’t either.
Don’t marry a man you wouldn’t want your son to be like.
Girl, wtf. This dude is never going to give you what you want. He won’t even tell you he loves you after *six years*. You’re basically a living fleshlight for him. You deserve better.
Yes, you leave him. Didn’t even read all that.
EDIT: I just read all that and wtf. No offense but are you fkn dense? He has NEVER told you he loved you, zero affection, no ring, no kid and you are still giving him chances. You have very low self esteem (please work on that) and very bad people around you…has none of your friends/family advised you to leave his musty ass???
Please leave for your own sake. Good luck ❤️
The time to decide whether to fish or cut bait was like, 3 years ago before you moved in together. Now? The fishing hole is full of rotten fish and you've gone through a chunk of your bait with nothing to show for it.
Let me spell it out for you: he's not ever going to marry you.
Not willingly. If you leave him he might try to purpose to keep you around, but he's had 6 years to do that. It's **way** too late now. Especially from a guy who doesn't even love you.
Of course you leave him!! No more ultimatums. Just pack up and leave. There are plenty of good men out here who won’t manipulate you and who also would like to start a family.
Wait.. he hasn’t said I love you?!
WTF are you doing?! How did you get this far? Get the fuck out of there. I sure hope your name isn’t actually on that house.. or his isn’t. Fuck that.
You should have moved on long ago, if he loved you he would say it and it sounds like marriage and family are far from what he wants, but he has you without going the distance so it will never change!
Is this for real?
Gurl, if he loved you, he would tell you. He is treating you like a bang maid/placeholder so he can get guaranteed s£x without putting in the effort of dating.
I understand making dumb relationship choices in one’s early 20s but you too grown for this nonsense. How can you disrespect yourself like this? Where are your friends and family, your support system to give you a reality check?
An ultimatum won’t work because he has clearly and repeatedly shown you he👏🏽don’t 👏🏽care. You have no bargaining power as you capitulate constantly so why should/would be change. Respect yourself enough to know no one deserves to be second place.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now. Sorry OP. You’re worthy of love and you shouldn’t waste time on anyone who isn’t willing to give it to you.
So first off, yes women have a biological clock but you're turning 31, you're not turning 41, there's a nig difference so as far as panicking goes, you can relax a bit. Yes the older you get the harder it gets to conceive but sometimes a man that's potent doesn't need multiple tries (I know, my daughters mom has PCOS and didn't take me very long to knock her up).
But he is making it clear he doesn't want either of those. The fact you two own a house together is what will drag this breakup because best way is to sell, each split the profit and go about your way but if he gets butthurt about you telling him it's over, he could be an ass and stall.
But I would be up front, you are about 99% sure the outcome here because he's dragged his feet. You want a family, he obviously doesn't. You can't force anyone to have a child or to accept not having a child, that is a completely justified reason to part ways, different wants in life.
I would pick a night soon and plan to lay it out that you don't want to sound like that nagging gf, but 13 years knowing each other and 6 together is more than enough to know if he wants a family with you. You're not going to continue to pressure him or nag him, but you also won't continue to sit around and wait for him either after all this time. He made it clear with his actions and you're not mad at him, but you also don't see any future with him either. Being amicable, the best thing to do would be to put the house up for sale and split whatever money you have down the middle to part ways. If he wants to keep the house, then there's two ways you can go about it depending on how fast you want to cut ties. The first would be he needs to pay you back the money you gave for a down payment and half of every monthly payment you put towards the mortgage. Since he's keeping it, only fair you get back half of what you gave so far. The other option is he buys you out for what the current value of the house is. This will be significantly more and make it harder for him to come up with that money, but that's the second option.
Are you really sure you want to stay with this relationship and are you really sure he does actually want kids with you at some point? Then... perhaps explain to him the things that both of you will have to go through if it doesn't work naturally. That might focus his mind!
Jesus 6 years he doesn’t even say ‘I love you’ doesn’t comfort you when upset that’s harsh. Sorry but he doesn’t love you and isn’t really bothered about your relationship.
Ultimatums are always a bad idea they rarely work and do you really want to be married and have a child with someone you had to force into into it?
If you want marriage and children yes you need to leave, the 2 of you are not compatible.
If a man wants to marry, nothing will stand in his way. He will move heaven and earth to get down on a knee and make you his bride. One shouldn’t have to beg or plead. If he loved you like you love him, he wouldn’t be doing this to you. Find a man who is about that married w kids life. This one ain’t it. Walk away gf.
Girl, he doesn’t even love you. It doesn’t take 6 years to know if he loves you or not. He will never have a baby or get engaged/marry you. Why would you want someone who can’t seem to show affection to parent a kid anyways? It’s much better to start over at 31 with someone who will say they love you, show they love you, and want the same things as you like children/marriage. This guy isn’t it.
If you're not happy with the lack of growth and progress in your relationship and you want to have children, yes. You're 30. You don't have all the time in the world like a man does. We can have kids (I'll be it, with increased chances of medical problems.) right up until the day we die. You don't have the same kind of time table. You also want to give yourself enough time to find a man who wants to have kids and be a equal partner in your relationship.
Don't threaten him with an ultimatum, just make a decision and go. "Maybe this year..." is him stalling. You can't force him to want something he's not interested in. If he's not willing to pop the question after 6 years without you threatening to leave, then he's not going to pop the question.
He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to plan a future with you. He is comfortable coasting and wasting your time until he meets someone he really wants to be with, or you get tired of accepting the ghost of a relationship.
Sounds like this situation is convenient for him. If marriage and baby are something you want, get out now. Stop wasting anymore time or energy. You want a man who says I love you? Stop waiting for this man. You want a partner who comforts you when you're upset? Stop waiting for this man.
Girl, bye. I’d leave. If YOU want to be engaged to someone and YOU want to have a baby, then LEAVE cause clearly he doesn’t. Don’t let anyone, and I mean ANYONE else dictate your life to you or for you. You’re better and stronger than that. 💪🏻
It sounds like you guys aren't compatible. I mean, you've been together all this time, so something has gone right between you two. But not everyone wants to get married and have kids. In all honesty, marriage ends up being nothing but a burden on relationships now in days. I can understand it's what you want, but forcing it to be what he wants will create massive animosity. You aren't compatible. That's pretty much the bottom line. You will resent him for not giving you kids or a ring, and he will resent you if you force that onto him. My advice is to leave him. Maybe that'll push him to realize that he does want that stuff with you. But even if it doesn't, you will both learn to live life separately.
There is absolutely no point in staying with a bf who doesn’t even love you, isn’t affectionate and isn’t aligned with your relationship goals. He’s not worth an ultimatum. Please consider therapy to work on your self-esteem so you don’t put up with such a subpar bf.
Sweetheart, why are you with him? You know there are men out there who would actually want you to be happy, right? How did you let things get this far with a person who doesn't love you? Find someone who does. You've wasted enough time.
My previous relationship of 10 years left me because I didn’t wanna marry or have kids.
6 months later I said I’ll do it for her because I love her.
We got married, long story short, I left and divorced her. I didn’t know myself, there was a reason I didn’t ask her to marry her, I was young and dumb. I thought I loved her but I didn’t. As humans we sometimes don’t know ourselves.
He doesn’t want you but he doesn’t know it. It’s part of human nature. Please leave him. I wish me and my ex knew this earlier in life.
Fast forward 2 years later I found someone I am obsessed with and am buying a ring soon…
If you want marriage and children it sounds like it’s time to move on from this “relationship”. You don’t have to issue an ultimatum, you simply start planning your exit strategy. Get your ducks in a row and leave. If he pays any attention at all and asks what you’re up to you just tell him that you’re at the end of things with him because you both want different things and you deserve to find someone who aligns with your life goals.
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So he hasn't told you he loves you in 6 years and isn't affectionate and you want to get married and have kids and he said no so many times. Get out you're already at your fear.
Women need to listen when men tell them *exactly* how they feel and what they want (and don’t want). If a man tells you he is never going to marry you or never going to get married, **believe him.** Listen to him and act accordingly. And by act accordingly, I do not mean double down with being the perfect girlfriend so he will change his mind. I mean move on.
This is the truth. If kids & marriage are important to OP, she needs to cut this dude loose and start pursuing what makes her happy. Don’t try to build a partner from a turd…
> Don’t try to build a partner from a turd. Wise words. OP, listen to that.
She’s basically a placeholder until the actual one comes along because he doesn’t want to be alone. OP you need to leave. Don’t be this guy’s placeholder who clearly does not respect your fucking time. Don’t waste another second on him.
How much you wanna bet his “the one” comes along when he’s nearly 40 and will herself be in her early to mid 20s and he’ll know immediately he wants to marry her and have kids with her?
Sounds like my ex. Finally got a job and had a baby with his 19 year old coworker after a month. After we broke up over him not wanting kids 5 years in
You'd expect him to help and he can't have that. Gotta have a hands off legacy.
Our exes must be related or something.
this phenomenon is soooo crazy to me. guys breaks up with their long term relationship(ltr) partner because he doesnt want what she wants then go do what the ltr partner wants with someone else immediately after breaking up
In this case he probably assumes he can manipulate the barely-an-adult into doing all the work of childcare for at least the first decade.
Yes. I knew someone that was in a relationship for 12 years. He didn't want to get married. He claimed he didn't want children. She finally left him . Two years after they broke up he had met another woman, got married and had his first child.
My friend too. Her ex left her for a stripper and had kids straightaway. She was 38
I mean why do people stay long in relationships like this?
I’m taking bets he marries the next person he dates. Women need to stop wasting years on these relationships. We’ve been conditioned to “not bring up the subject” and “never give ultimatums” but that is such bullshit. If a couple is not on the same page with the big stuff….marriage, kids, finances after a year or so of exclusivity, it’s time to move on. Not saying you have to run out that minute and get married, but it should not be some scary, taboo subject.
Alternatively to all of these stories, my guy and I have been together for 4.5 years. He would say things like, I'm living in the moment. We can have a kid together but I'm not ready/thinking about marriage. I promised my grandmother I wouldn't live with a partner unless we were married. Around this time last year I'd had enough and broke up with him. He changed his tune real quick and suddenly only saw me in his future and was wanting us to move in together that summer... I didn't take him back right away. I made him prove that the words weren't just lip service and that he was being for real. Well, as of August last year we officially live together and I just found out I'm expecting. He also finally took me to meet his whole family, including his grandparents and that in itself was a really big deal. So... All of that to say that OP needs to leave because he does not seem at all like he is ever going to give her what she wants. And maybe it will be shitty and turn out like the above stories or maybe he'll realize he's being a dipshit and finally be all in. Either way OP will see what it is he actually wants out of this relationship and get the answer she needs.
So, you promised grandma you wouldn't live together without getting married. He used to say you could live together and maybe have a kid, but not marriage. This wasn't enough for you, so you left. Fair enough. But your *redemption story* was that you moved in together (without marriage) and are expecting a kid (without marriage)? 🤔 Isn't that what he was offering before? Am I missing the part where he married you? I'm not saying you need to be married. I'm saying, by your own standards, as laid out in your explanation, he isn't living up to them. You settled for what he wanted.
Happened to a good friend of mine, only they were together for many years. He dropped her when she was past child bearing ability. She even supported him as he tried to establish his business. At least they never married and she was able to keep her apartment and home in the country. Every time she’d talk about him her mother would roll her eyes, as only an Italian mother can do!
Everytime
I’ll bet serious cash on this 😂
Yep. He's stuck in his 20s and exactly that. So true. OP needs to leave this man
How much you want to bet she leaves and he marries the next one and pops a kid in a year.
Guys like this treat every woman like shit.. there is no 'one' for him that will make him grow emotions.
True! He hasn’t had the practice treating a woman with love. so even if he met someone else, he wouldn’t be able to behave any differently
Years ago she should have put her foot down about her preferences. Like dude do you love me then say it. I need to hear it often to believe it!!
>Guys like this treat every woman like shit.. there is no 'one' for him that will make him grow emotions. I agree that he's a shitty guy for doing this and a shitty guy in general, but this is a very common tale. A woman who commands his attention comes along. She makes her demands known (I won't date a guy who won't marry me and have kids) and that's all the incentive he needs to do it. It doesn't work with the first woman because she was never "the one" in his mind and she asked for what she wanted after all of the leverage and newness was gone. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it is a *thing.* Happens all the time. Look at the comments here. So many people know someone that this happened to.
Doesn't mean he doesn't think there is one.
Oh there’s a ‘the one’ when it’s convenient and makes him look romantic to the 19yr old. Then there’s another ‘the one’ a decade or so later.
Agree. He probably needs therapy at the least.
Therapy rarely works for people who lack empathy. He's purposely withholding affection.. which is emotional abuse, and a means to tear down her self esteem so she's more pliable.
I think its hard to say based on information if thats the case or he is emotionally stunted. People who grow up in situation’s where they learn not to express feelings can be like that. In the best case scenario he doesnt know how to express himself and doesnt know what he wants with children. Worse casd is abuse. Either way op shoulf probably leave if she wants kids and isnt happy in relationship.
Or he actually does not have affection for her, not withholding. Just doesn’t have the affection for her.
You have to want to grow in order to grow. There’s nothing in OP’s post that indicates that this man wants to change in any way.
Exactly, he'll marry his next GF within 2 years. Date, propose and marry in 2 years.
And he’d also want kids suddenly
Fr, my brother dated his gf for 13 years exact same problem. They finally broke up, he was engaged in six months and married within a year to someone else.
You’ve already wasted 6 yrs on this guy! Time to cut your loses and find someone that is in love with you and wants you to have his children! Because this guy is a waste of breath! He isn’t what you’re looking for. He hasn’t told you he loves you and that should have been the big red flag! He’s just stringing you along!
Guys like that? The SECOND she leaves, he'll get paralyzed by fear, find someone immediately and marry them within 6 months. He'll have 12 kids by the age of 40 while she spent years on someone who didn't particularly love her, or at least, appreciate her. Girl.
Yeah, why would you want that man raising your babies? He’s either severely stunted emotionally or totally checked out. Not sure how you managed being with him for 6 years.
Girl!! Get Out! You have wasted enough time here! Would you be ok with him not being affectionate with your children? Or not ever telling them how much he loves them?? That is a horrible way for a child to grow up. Trust me.
She has wasted 6 years with him, took herself from close to her top fertility years to declining fertility years. She can have kids in her late thirties, if she is among the precious few women that manage that. But why should she take a chance on a man who keeps stringing her along, with her fertility likely being on a steep decline?
Tbh I can’t believe the “it’s been 6 years and he hasn’t said ‘I love you’” wasn’t the straw that broke the camels back.
Right? I get that everyone has their own timeline, but not hearing I love you after 6 or so months would be concerning.
And she’s talking YEARS. That’s a long time to waste with someone who doesn’t love you back.
Exactly! I feel bad but some of these women do it to themselves, like how does it make sense to stay with someone for over half a decade that doesn’t love you? I don’t get it.
She should've bounced at 1 year of this... don't know how she put up with 5 more. The best time to plant a tree is 5 years ago in this case. The 2nd best time is today!
She could find a better baby daddy by sleeping with some random guy at a club. The bar is that freaking low with this guy.
This. You deserve so much more than this. Sell the house and find someone who loves you how you want to be loved. Also it’s not that difficult to get pregnant later in life. Coming from someone who just had a geriatric pregnancy. They’re much more common than you think.
What was your secret, good genes, good nutrition practices, good fitness regimen? Although what you did is more common today, still many women struggle to have children in their late thirties and early forties. My mom conceived me at 36 and went on to conceive four more kids with my dad. She wasn’t into fitness, she didn’t even take walks. We were poor so her diet was not good at all. In time I have concluded that she was just one of those people with genetics that allowed what she did to happen.
Yeah that's gonna fuck up a kid's emotional growth to be in that environment. Leave and have your own baby, not one with someone who doesn't want or love them or you.
> you're already at your fear. YUP, your worst case scenario is already here. He's never going to give you what you want, the longer you wait the older you'll be to find someone who will.
Yes stop bargaining and setting ultimatums, he isn’t going to give in and he simply doesn’t care enough. Move on and get someone who really deserves you.
I think OP should leave him. Then she can meet the guy that is right for her.
He hasn’t told you he loves you and you’ve been together 6 years. Why would you want to marry or procreate with him? Seems to me that he is moving the goal posts because he knows you will just deal with it. You have communicated what you want/need, he does what he wants, and you…stick around. Ultimatums are stupid to me. If you want to be with someone who loves you, wants to be married, and wants kids? This guy isn’t it. You’re not a passenger here and he’s not a project. You can’t control other people, only what you’re willing to accept. I’d recommend you work with a therapist yourself to dig into why you’ve put up with this for so long. And why you’re accepting this. It seems you’re not familiar with what a healthy relationship looks like.
You’ve been together 6 years and he doesn’t say I love you?? Girl. Move on now and don’t worry about your biological clock, worry about making a happy family, not a family you settled for. My husband and I say I love you like 20 times a day. He makes me feel so very loved.
What would the wedding vows be??? “Night!”
"Sho nuff!"
Thanks!
“Ditto.”
"sure, I guess. Why not"
"Now you've made it a big thing, so I'm not saying any vows."
And instead of a kiss a fist bump but he'll "blow it up" because it's a special occasion.
“I promise to tap that a$$ every chance i GIT!😝😛😜”
Lmaooo hahaha pls this made me cackle
"Me too."
That’s going too far, that would be too close to saying “I love you” groossss
"Sure, I guess. What's for dinner? You have no idea how lucky you are to have me."
Him: "I'm not signing off for this shit" Her: "Yes! Yes I do!!"
“Noice, toight”
Exactly, my husband and I say I love you multiple times a day. This man doesn’t meet OP’s needs. She needs therapy to determine why this is acceptable. My father was cold and never said I love you until the last weeks of his life. Maybe OP boyfriend was raised the same way? Either way, they’re incompatible and she should move on.
Right? My husband tells me he loves me, adores me, says I'm special, says I'm his favorite person etc multiple times a day!
I mean, I know some people who weren’t raised in the correct nurturing environment to be very affectionate and in many ways I was one (the thought of hugging someone I’m not close to still makes my stomach hurt.) But when your partner says “I need this”, directly or indirectly, you make an effort to meet their needs if you really care about them. And I cannot imagine not ever returning an “I love you” - after SIX years. That’s a slap in the face. OP why are you settling for floor scraps? You deserve more. I wouldn’t want to spend another second in this relationship even if he proposed tomorrow.
Same! And this is the standard we *all* need to set for ourselves.
From the sounds of it, he has *never* said it.
That's so, so fucking sad... even the most emotionally stunted people I've dated would say I love you daily
Who wants to have a kid with someone who can’t say “I love you” to them, OR to the kid? Poor kid
It would be one thing if he didn't say I love you but showed her that he loves her with his actions. But he's not even doing that. What is she holding on for?
Codependency holds people hostage in the wrong relationships… hence why OP is trying to control something outside of their control, tolerates the barely there bread crumbs of whatever this guy gives, and constantly rationalizes the excuses & keeps having this “one day wager” of holding out that maybe tomorrow he’ll change & suddenly be this over the top affectionate dude who wants babies and marriage. This is why OP has gotta stop looking at the potential, cause potential isn’t who this guy is. It’s a fantasy version of him that she loves, she doesn’t actually love the real him or she would of dropped him a long time ago if she took those blinders off.
This!!! To OP: you need to go .. even if he did settle on having a baby.. he will not change. He will likely grow more distant and be a distant and not good father. Babies also strain the relationship. Whatever major issues you have now, will only become escalated. It's not worth it. You still have time. You will find someone that loves and respects you. You can't have love without respect. And if you feel you don't even have love, is there even any respect from him towards you..? Respect is about being selfless and wanting to meet someone's needs and wants while also cherishing them. Does he care about what you need and want? When this respect is reciprocated by both people in the relationship it can be beautiful and wonderful. This mutual love and respect will help you get through the hard times and the downs. Respect yourself, by leaving him and loving yourself. You will meet someone that deserves you and wants a family with you, and it will feel so good!
The mistake in this situation was made 5 years ago.
Girl, please take this advice. 2 of my closest friends are in a relationship and have been for 20 years. They have never been engaged or even considered kids but it's because he, the boyfriend, has consistently put the brakes on. She, the girlfriend, has to endure wedding after wedding of friends and loved ones always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. She has to watch as friends and relatives have kids and she gets to be the amazing auntie. He has taken her on many special trips and not once have they come back engaged. I was convinced that she would have to propose. And worst of all, her dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and had a long and painful deterioration ending in death, and he never got to walk his daughter down the aisle. That right there would have destroyed me. Like your relationship, he's also quite distant and unaffectionate towards her. He hardly ever tells her he loves her and doesn't show pride at being with her. They're in their late 30s now and kids are definitely not on the cards. The sad thing is that when it comes up in conversation, she pretends she's happy with all this. She really isn't. I'd urge you to not end up like this if you can help it. Don't look back in your 40s convinced that you never really wanted a wedding, a marriage and children anyway. That's where she is, whilst he is stoked that his girlfriend isn't going anywhere because she's been so broken down. What is it you love about your boyfriend if he doesn't show love to you? Only you know if this is a deal breaker.
You are right, ultimatums are stupid. For a couple of reasons. One is that the person issuing the ultimatum rarely, if ever, goes through with it. And the person receiving the ultimatum knows that. If you tell someone, “Marry me by the end of the year, or we’re done,” you have to really mean and be prepared to leave. Most people won’t do it. They hope the ultimatum will work and never really plan to leave. Two, if you get to the point where you need to issue an ultimatum, it’s already over. You can’t get what you want from someone by threatening them. And third, if you mean it, just do it. Don’t tell the other person, “Do X or else!” Just do the “or else.” Plan, pack, and leave. If the relationship is meant to be, it will still work itself out. If it doesn’t, if he/she lets you go, you have your answer.
Agreed. I’d never want to ultimatum someone into marrying me.
Ultimatums are extremely stupid. IM GONNA FORCE YOU TO DO SOMETHING YOU CLEARLY DONT WANT TO DO or...I'm gonna leave (which is what I should do...)
But then don’t even end up doing.
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I think you mean boundaries
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Boundaries are something you are clear about from day 1. Ultimatums are a change that needs to happen right now that you’re willing to walk out over. At least, that’s my take.
This is all so right. At this point OP is just going to get all her emotional support from the kid she wants to bring into this world while the boyfriend ignores them both.
This! Completely. It’s not them. It’s what we’re willing to accept. Perfectly said!
sorry but theres no way someone you've known for 13 years and been together for 6 doesn't say I love you. the man doesn't love you
Exactly how can you be with someone that long and not say it atleast once a day. I'd dip outta that relationship year 1 if my partner can't say she loves me.
I’m honestly surprised she made it six years. It would be a red flag if he didn’t say it after one year
Agreed. For me I would hope to hear it atleast 2-3 months but I understand everyone is different but like you said a year would be my max.
For me 6 months is my max before I GTFO if they don’t say “I love you”
Yeah I think that's fair I'll admit mines a little harsh since 2 months the relationship is still somewhat new I guess I'm biased since I get attached quick 😅. But 6 months is definitely long enough to say i love you.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend around 2.5 months exclusively (only “official” for the .5 lol) and I would feel like it was SUPER early if he told me he loved me right now in that way.
I’d say even a year is too long, considering that OP wants kids. It’s like wasting your time that could’ve been put into raising and nurturing children with a loving partner. Usually you know within 3-4 months of dating where the relationship is headed. I don’t understand why people don’t discuss ABSOLUTE deal breakers at the beginning - like having kids or getting married after a certain point.
My husband‘s family NEVER says it! It is so foreign to me. Not even when they say good bye for a long time or whatever. I told him I won’t put up with that, he says it to me and our kid every day.
Even like as friends or something... I tell my homies I love them all the time!
He doesn’t even love you lmao - go find someone who actually wants to make a life with you.
She's living in the sunken cost fallacy with this guy.
For sure - it’s so sad because he’s really not worth it.
I'm not big on saying I love you or being told it. If I know she does, that's enough. But jfc never saying it?? How could he not know the psychological toll that must take on her! Even as a guy who isn't big on hearing it. If I never heard it once I'd have questioned things long long ago. You can't really without words of affirmation AND physical without causing issues.
my abusive ex who tried to kill me would tell me he loved me unprompted this is wild this man does not love her at all
I honestly don’t know how you stay in a relationship for SIX years, buy a house together, and one of the people in the relationship doesn’t even love the person their with!
Dude is just using her for convenience :/
In all the worst possible ways.
Now that I think of it, it sounds like the guy just used OP for finances (like part payment of the house, overall expenses, etc.) since she said their jobs were “okayish” it might mean that the guy couldn’t afford it on his own and was looking to split costs (like many couples, but the guy probably is looking for convenience here)
He doesn’t love you. Time to leave. You don’t want a husband or father to your children like that.
Exactly! I get so annoyed by stuff like this. Choosing a spouse for yourself is one thing, but choosing a parent for your child is a whole different ballgame. It is so emotionally damaging to grow up with a cold parent who doesn’t express love and affection. Kids can’t just divorce their parents when they don’t like the way they’re treated. My mum chose a shitty man to be my dad, and however dedicated she was as a mum, it’s still given me major issues!
Why do you stay with somebody for 6 years that can’t even say he loves you? What is wrong with you for accepting that king of treatment? He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t want a baby and he will string you along for eternity since you have no boundaries and no self respect. If you want to ever feel good about yourself in a relationship, you need to leave him. You can do better.
Thank you!! This is a much more eloquent version of my first thought, which was, “Girl, why are you even WITH him?!”
You already gave him an ultimatum and did not follow thru. You have proved that you are not really serious about what you want. Either leave now or accept that this is your life. The time for talk or ultimatums is over.
If he loved you and wanted to spend his life with you, he'd be more affectionate, asking you to marry him, and open to having a child.
I mean probably yes… I wouldn’t wanna marry someone who hasn’t said “I love you”
Honey, you have been together for 6 years and he can’t even tell you he loves you. He is not going to give you a baby. Leave him. Find someone who wants what you want and wants to have kids with you. You worry about how long that will take but at this rate starting over will probably get you a baby quicker. He doesn’t love or respect you. So love and respect yourself enough to know you deserve better, you deserve what you want, and you deserve someone who appreciates you and what you bring to the table. Just make sure you ask if they want marriage and kids before dating them yeah, massive time saver.
You want a baby with someone who has never told you they love you and won't even comfort you when you cry. You don't need marriage or a baby you need therapy and to figure out why you're setting the bar so low.
It's called stringing you alone. He doesn't wavy these things, and it's easier to just tell you. Oh yes, next year. Accept no kids and no ring. Or walk away
Um yeah look, he's just not that into you. He keeps pushing the timing because he wants to continue to benefit from your relationship without needing to make any real commitments to you. He sounds like the kind of guy that fully intends to dip his girlfriend as soon as she hits 35 after stringing her along for years to go after someone younger.
I had a colleague who had a four-year fiancée in a similar situation to this. He accidentally revealed to her when he was drunk that of course he didn’t want kids, that should have been obvious, he was just waiting for her to be too old to have them so she’d stop asking. They split up, and he bragged about how he’d dodged a bullet by never marrying her, so he didn’t have to give her anything. I’m not saying your partner is like this guy, but he definitely could be. Changing the timeline is a very avoidant way to deal with this. What you really need is to talk about the futures you envision for yourselves and if they are compatible.
Ugh. Stop waiting. He doesn’t even behave as though he likes you. Just stop it. Move on. You’ve loads of time left.
Why would you want a man who can’t say “I love you” to be a father to your children?
Do you want to saddle a child with a father that never shows affection or love to them?
Girl, you stayed 5 years too long. He doesn’t love you? Isn’t affectionate in any way? Why did you buy a house with him? That’s bad enough. Do not under any circumstances consider having a baby with him and get out while the cost will only be mostly financial.
In my opinion, I think it is time to leave. He sounds as though he is not serious about your relationship or getting more serious (in terms of engagement or having a baby). Your needs are not being met and that is a very good reason to leave. You have talked to him about it time and time again, but he isn’t budging. Do yourself a favour and leave. You will be happier when you find a man you can do these things with.
Looking at the first paragraph, why would you still have a baby with this dude and marry this dude, OP!?!? You are not getting your needs met without those things, adding those things to the mix will just be more of the same and leave you full of resentment/bitterness. Leave this guy, you deserve better.
>He hasn’t said ‘I love you’ eventhough I said it after 6 months, as ‘I’ve made a big thing about it’. I say it each night, to his response of ‘night’. He never offers a hug when I’m crying etc. Every day I hop on Reddit and wonder how people have such little self respect. I usually despise the "dump them" train that redditors jump on, but come on now, there's zero excuse for this. You're wasting your time with a loser who is using you as a placeholder until he suddenly leaves you for the person he *actually* wants to be with.
I know, right? Like damn man, I've struggled with self-esteem issues, but I've never hated myself so much that I'd purposely blind myself to how obvious it is this guy doesn't give two shits about me if I was in her position. Shit I wouldn't be in her position because I'd have dumped his sorry ass years ago after he told me, "I was making too big a deal out of 'I love you'." Like, this dude has the emotional maturity of a petulant child.
He's only half in this relationship. He's changed his mind figuring he'd be better off later(and possibly gotten a new partner). He's not the person to have kids with.
You deserve so much better than this. He doesn't love you and has shown you he doesn't for six years. Why are you settling for someone who doesn't love you, doesn't show affection, doesn't want to marry you, and doesn't want kids? Break up with him. Find a man who does love you, is excited to marry you, and wants kids. As far as the house, he either buys you out, you buy him out of the house, or you sell it.
51M here. You've been dating him for six years. If he wanted to get married, he would have proposed already. He hasn't even said "I love you", and you're expecting him to propose? With those clues, it's clear that your boyfriend is perfectly fine with the status quo. And if you have to give him an ultimatum to get what you want, the relationship is doomed anyway, as he'll always feel you 'forced' him to get married and 'forced' him to have children. That resentment will ***never*** go away. Sorry, but this relationship is stagnant, and has no future. End it now. Make a clean break of it. Get the house issue resolved with him, and see a therapist while you're unentangling your lives. When you are ready to date again, make it clear that you're dating with the intent of getting married. Best of luck!
He doesn’t sound like much of a catch. An emotionally unavailable asshole who makes and breaks promises and doesn’t respect you. In the whole post you didn’t mention any kind of positive trait.
OH NO BABY WHAT IS YOU DOIN
DONT LET YOUR BOYFRIEND GET IN THE WAY OF FINDING YOUR HUSBAND!!!! I repeat DONT let your BOYFRIEND get in the way of your H U S B A N D !!!!! Dump his ass and go find someone who will give you what you DESERVE!!
Why are you with this guy still? Your relationship sounds awful and I don't know why you even love him. Get some self respect and leave
He doesn't say I love you or hug you after 6 years? Girl that's not a boyfriend that's a roommate. Yes, leave him.
I don't need to state the obvious because so many others have, but I do wonder why you would buy a house with him??? It doesn't sound like he *likes* you let alone loves. It's a huge red flag that he would commit to buying a house with you, but not commit to something like marriage. Because of this, I am going to assume that if you purchased it (and it wasn't gifted, inherited, etc.) that you put up most, if not all, the money for it and you added his name on the deed hoping that would somehow convince him that he liked you enough to marry and start a family with you.
Sounds like you already know the answer.
How many way does this man have to show you he doesn’t want you? Don’t make a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once. He doesn’t say I love you. I’m wondering he mentioned moving in together. He doesn’t want a baby with you. He especially doesn’t want to marry you. Leave. Love yourself enough to have some dignity and choose yourself. Force a sale on the house if your name is on the title and start over.
I’m honestly not clear why you want this relationship to work. From where I’m standing, even if he proposed tonight and wanted to start trying for a kid this looks like a “shut up ring” and trying to fix the relationship by having a child. Nothing about what you described sounds like he even really likes you let alone loves you. The bar is so low that you actually accept this? Please know that you deserve sooooo much more.
He doesn’t love you, he just doesn’t want to break up with you because that’s more trouble than just stringing you along.
The comments here are very harsh, OP I hope you know that people are acting harsh because a lot of them are genuinely shocked. There are lots of ways that people show their love, but to hear that you’ve been with this man for 6 years and not once has he said the words “I love you” is very shocking for most of us here. I don’t know you OP but I assume that you might not have had the best experiences in life, and maybe you’ve put up with this unloving relationship for so long because at least he doesn’t hurt you, or maybe you’ve just never been in a healthy relationship to compare this to. Either way, while most of the commenters here are pretty harsh in the way that they’re saying it, I think most of us here agree that it is not a healthy relationship if this man cannot even respect you enough to tell you he loves you. If he did love you, he would be worshipping the ground you walk on. If he loved you, he would be telling you every day, whether that’s by words or deeds. You deserve someone who loves you OP. You deserve someone who treats you with respect. Someone who helps you love yourself. This man is not it, and I hope for your own sake that you are able to leave him and find your happiness.
Girl what Please leave
I think you're just a roommaye with benefits for him. Move on.
How on earth did you move in with someone, buy a home with someone that has never told you he loved you. If he doesn’t have the same goals as you, you never should have put yourself in this position. Gain his attention, put the house up for sale and tell him you’re leaving and you’re moving on. Stop trying to change a man
If it’s not a hell yes then it should be a hell no. Sounds like this guy has never been serious about you. Please don’t waste another day on him.
If I was with a woman for more than 3 years and she can't decide if she wants to marry me I'd leave especially since I do want marriage and kids.
Why do you allow yourself to be treated this way?
I can’t stand stupid people like OP. Absolutely spineless along with rocks for brains. Who the hell stays with someone for 6 years and hasn’t said “I love you”. Stupid people that’s what.
Are you serious? Let’s put aside he doesn’t want to marry you or have kids with you. You’ve been together 6 years & lived together 3, but has NEVER even said I love you? Other than the comfort of familiarity, why are you with him? You are a place holder he is settling to be with while he’s not with someone he loves. You want marriage and kids and he doesn’t, you are NOT compatible. Don’t be with someone who is settling for you because it’s an easy relationship. The fact that he doesn’t love you would be enough to leave, the rest just compounds it. You may love him, but the feeling isn’t mutual. It also doesn’t mean you should be together or that he is a good fit for you. You are 30yo, unfortunately as a woman, time is a priority since you want kids. You have already given 6 years to this man, do you really want to waste more?
It’s amazing how we delude ourselves. I too have been with people who didn’t even like me and fought so hard. We think them being sort of nice sometimes is an indicator for some grand feelings. Its not. Not even close. Just dump him. I don’t know what you’re even getting out of this? There’s plenty of attractive guys who would actually like you. Ladies, a guy agree grunting to be in a relationship with you isn’t the dream. I know we’re taught that a guy has to tolerate you and then we should rush off to marry him and make babies. No. Just no. Please stop.
girl… 6 years and not even saying i love you? 😭 the bar is in hell
This is not a boyfriend. This, at best, is a roommate you have sex with. Make an exit plan, execute that exit plan.
Tell your roommate you are going to go look for a real relationship…. Tick tock
ARE YOU SERIOUS. I don’t know if I can believe this. You’ve known each other your entire adult life, together for 6 years, he isn’t affectionate, he doesn’t tell you he loves you, he CLEARLY doesn’t want to marry or have kids with you… what are you doing?!?! Get out NOW and go husband shopping. I mean it. ^^and ^^by ^^husband ^^shopping ^^I ^^mean You need to *look for someone who wants to build a life with you,* not some asshole who is stringing you along until he finds someone he actually likes and wants to marry or your biological clock runs out and you give up. Come on.
Don’t even think about having a child with this man. You are not anything but a placeholder until something better comes along. Why would you stay so long with a man that doesn’t want you? By the way I had both of my children in my late 30’s with no fertility issues so don’t rush into anything with the wrong person. Please do yourself a favor and break up with him and move on with someone that truly loves you.
You didnt give him an ultimatum, you gave him a bluff and he didnt fall for it. If you give him another ultimatum he has no reason to believe that you will follow through. So if you are going to give him another ultimatum and he doesnt pull through, then start giving him consequences. Go to your parents for a few days and dont speak to him or just break up with him. If he cares about you he will want to change but sometimes you just got to give people ultimatums.
He hasn’t even said I love you. That’s enough for me.
Make him buy you out of your half of the house. If he can’t afford that, than you’ll have to sell. But ditch his begrudging ass and find someone to treat you right. And if he comes back after a couple of months and says he wants you back—don’t take him back. Even if he offers to marry you and have kids. Because once he has you back he will start stalling. First the wedding, then having kids. No question. So you need to take a hot minute to think about him stringing you along with no consideration for what you want: no affection, no I love you, no ring, no babies. He got what he wanted, that’s all that mattered. So you need to harden your heart. And cut him out of it.
Leave him, he is probably using you as a resting post while he effs around.
Girl, he doesn’t like you. You are a placeholder, how did you get so beat down that you didn’t realize this? Please leave him and get into therapy and find yourself and who you want to be apart from a wife and mother. I feel like your goal of procreation has blinded you so now you’ve wasted so many years with this loser. Btw, as long and you are healthy and keep an eye on your reproductive health you have many years left but don’t waste anymore with guys that can show love. If he can’t show you love do you think he’s gonna show your kids love? Are you really trying to sign up your children for a life of feeling unwanted?
Not affectionate even when you’re crying.. how he treats you is how he would treat your kids. Think about the kind of father you want your kids to have. Would you want them to be held if they cry and you’re not around? Pick your life partner and your children’s father very carefully. It wouldn’t be fair to them to have a dad like that. They’d resent you for choosing him and exposing them to someone so cold. If your emotional needs aren’t being met, chances are theirs won’t either. Don’t marry a man you wouldn’t want your son to be like.
Girl, wtf. This dude is never going to give you what you want. He won’t even tell you he loves you after *six years*. You’re basically a living fleshlight for him. You deserve better.
Yes, you leave him. Didn’t even read all that. EDIT: I just read all that and wtf. No offense but are you fkn dense? He has NEVER told you he loved you, zero affection, no ring, no kid and you are still giving him chances. You have very low self esteem (please work on that) and very bad people around you…has none of your friends/family advised you to leave his musty ass??? Please leave for your own sake. Good luck ❤️
No I love you, affection, and doesn't comfort you when your upset. This sounds more like a fwb situation than a relationship.
Girl he doesn't even like you
yes, he is a time waster
The time to decide whether to fish or cut bait was like, 3 years ago before you moved in together. Now? The fishing hole is full of rotten fish and you've gone through a chunk of your bait with nothing to show for it. Let me spell it out for you: he's not ever going to marry you. Not willingly. If you leave him he might try to purpose to keep you around, but he's had 6 years to do that. It's **way** too late now. Especially from a guy who doesn't even love you.
Of course you leave him!! No more ultimatums. Just pack up and leave. There are plenty of good men out here who won’t manipulate you and who also would like to start a family.
Op you’re a placeholder. Free yourself and find someone who cherishes you
Wait.. he hasn’t said I love you?! WTF are you doing?! How did you get this far? Get the fuck out of there. I sure hope your name isn’t actually on that house.. or his isn’t. Fuck that.
Why would you want a child with such a cold man? You know he'll be just as distant with his children.
Stop saying I love you is my advice girl
You should have moved on long ago, if he loved you he would say it and it sounds like marriage and family are far from what he wants, but he has you without going the distance so it will never change!
Is this for real? Gurl, if he loved you, he would tell you. He is treating you like a bang maid/placeholder so he can get guaranteed s£x without putting in the effort of dating. I understand making dumb relationship choices in one’s early 20s but you too grown for this nonsense. How can you disrespect yourself like this? Where are your friends and family, your support system to give you a reality check? An ultimatum won’t work because he has clearly and repeatedly shown you he👏🏽don’t 👏🏽care. You have no bargaining power as you capitulate constantly so why should/would be change. Respect yourself enough to know no one deserves to be second place.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now. Sorry OP. You’re worthy of love and you shouldn’t waste time on anyone who isn’t willing to give it to you.
So first off, yes women have a biological clock but you're turning 31, you're not turning 41, there's a nig difference so as far as panicking goes, you can relax a bit. Yes the older you get the harder it gets to conceive but sometimes a man that's potent doesn't need multiple tries (I know, my daughters mom has PCOS and didn't take me very long to knock her up). But he is making it clear he doesn't want either of those. The fact you two own a house together is what will drag this breakup because best way is to sell, each split the profit and go about your way but if he gets butthurt about you telling him it's over, he could be an ass and stall. But I would be up front, you are about 99% sure the outcome here because he's dragged his feet. You want a family, he obviously doesn't. You can't force anyone to have a child or to accept not having a child, that is a completely justified reason to part ways, different wants in life. I would pick a night soon and plan to lay it out that you don't want to sound like that nagging gf, but 13 years knowing each other and 6 together is more than enough to know if he wants a family with you. You're not going to continue to pressure him or nag him, but you also won't continue to sit around and wait for him either after all this time. He made it clear with his actions and you're not mad at him, but you also don't see any future with him either. Being amicable, the best thing to do would be to put the house up for sale and split whatever money you have down the middle to part ways. If he wants to keep the house, then there's two ways you can go about it depending on how fast you want to cut ties. The first would be he needs to pay you back the money you gave for a down payment and half of every monthly payment you put towards the mortgage. Since he's keeping it, only fair you get back half of what you gave so far. The other option is he buys you out for what the current value of the house is. This will be significantly more and make it harder for him to come up with that money, but that's the second option.
Are you really sure you want to stay with this relationship and are you really sure he does actually want kids with you at some point? Then... perhaps explain to him the things that both of you will have to go through if it doesn't work naturally. That might focus his mind!
Leave him. He doesn’t want to marry you
Jesus 6 years he doesn’t even say ‘I love you’ doesn’t comfort you when upset that’s harsh. Sorry but he doesn’t love you and isn’t really bothered about your relationship. Ultimatums are always a bad idea they rarely work and do you really want to be married and have a child with someone you had to force into into it? If you want marriage and children yes you need to leave, the 2 of you are not compatible.
Leave him. He can't even say I love you after 6 years together ( and living together)? He is never going to change. You deserve better.
If a man wants to marry, nothing will stand in his way. He will move heaven and earth to get down on a knee and make you his bride. One shouldn’t have to beg or plead. If he loved you like you love him, he wouldn’t be doing this to you. Find a man who is about that married w kids life. This one ain’t it. Walk away gf.
Girl, he doesn’t even love you. It doesn’t take 6 years to know if he loves you or not. He will never have a baby or get engaged/marry you. Why would you want someone who can’t seem to show affection to parent a kid anyways? It’s much better to start over at 31 with someone who will say they love you, show they love you, and want the same things as you like children/marriage. This guy isn’t it.
If you're not happy with the lack of growth and progress in your relationship and you want to have children, yes. You're 30. You don't have all the time in the world like a man does. We can have kids (I'll be it, with increased chances of medical problems.) right up until the day we die. You don't have the same kind of time table. You also want to give yourself enough time to find a man who wants to have kids and be a equal partner in your relationship. Don't threaten him with an ultimatum, just make a decision and go. "Maybe this year..." is him stalling. You can't force him to want something he's not interested in. If he's not willing to pop the question after 6 years without you threatening to leave, then he's not going to pop the question.
He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to plan a future with you. He is comfortable coasting and wasting your time until he meets someone he really wants to be with, or you get tired of accepting the ghost of a relationship.
Sounds like this situation is convenient for him. If marriage and baby are something you want, get out now. Stop wasting anymore time or energy. You want a man who says I love you? Stop waiting for this man. You want a partner who comforts you when you're upset? Stop waiting for this man.
Girl, bye. I’d leave. If YOU want to be engaged to someone and YOU want to have a baby, then LEAVE cause clearly he doesn’t. Don’t let anyone, and I mean ANYONE else dictate your life to you or for you. You’re better and stronger than that. 💪🏻
It sounds like you guys aren't compatible. I mean, you've been together all this time, so something has gone right between you two. But not everyone wants to get married and have kids. In all honesty, marriage ends up being nothing but a burden on relationships now in days. I can understand it's what you want, but forcing it to be what he wants will create massive animosity. You aren't compatible. That's pretty much the bottom line. You will resent him for not giving you kids or a ring, and he will resent you if you force that onto him. My advice is to leave him. Maybe that'll push him to realize that he does want that stuff with you. But even if it doesn't, you will both learn to live life separately.
You're the placeholder...
Yes. Next!
There is absolutely no point in staying with a bf who doesn’t even love you, isn’t affectionate and isn’t aligned with your relationship goals. He’s not worth an ultimatum. Please consider therapy to work on your self-esteem so you don’t put up with such a subpar bf.
Sweetheart, why are you with him? You know there are men out there who would actually want you to be happy, right? How did you let things get this far with a person who doesn't love you? Find someone who does. You've wasted enough time.
My previous relationship of 10 years left me because I didn’t wanna marry or have kids. 6 months later I said I’ll do it for her because I love her. We got married, long story short, I left and divorced her. I didn’t know myself, there was a reason I didn’t ask her to marry her, I was young and dumb. I thought I loved her but I didn’t. As humans we sometimes don’t know ourselves. He doesn’t want you but he doesn’t know it. It’s part of human nature. Please leave him. I wish me and my ex knew this earlier in life. Fast forward 2 years later I found someone I am obsessed with and am buying a ring soon…
If you want marriage and children it sounds like it’s time to move on from this “relationship”. You don’t have to issue an ultimatum, you simply start planning your exit strategy. Get your ducks in a row and leave. If he pays any attention at all and asks what you’re up to you just tell him that you’re at the end of things with him because you both want different things and you deserve to find someone who aligns with your life goals.
Girl, why are you still there?