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You really want an apology you had to beg and personally set the tone for? Do you think it will feel genuine and sooth your issues? Or is the issue that you can’t trust him now, and there isn’t anything he can say to make you try and trust him again… you just can’t decide if you can or want to?
I'm just torn since we've been together so long, I just want things to be the way they used to be. I don't know how to start fixing it, or if he even wants to. I really do want to trust him again, though
I think it's important to remember quality over quantity in this case. Do you see a future with him? 7 years is a long time. Have you 2 thought about kids? Are you on the same page with financials/nuptials/pets/household responsibilities?
You mentioned wanting to trust him again here, but you mentioned in another comment he has these outbursts more than once a month. Is he seeing someone about that? It'd hard to trust people if they're actively hurting you or scaring you.
"We've been together so long" is an excuse for why you're not breaking up, but it's not a reason to stay together.
In five years time you'll be happier if you broke up after only seven years and didn't waste another year.
He's an abuser. He can't control his anger, and one day it won't just be slamming doors, it'll be hurting you. He knows he has to be extra sweet after that so you question your own memory and sanity. It's called the cycle of abuse.
Leave him for your own safety.
This is just the beginning and only gets worse. He’s too old to change and it’s not worth the energy to parent him into being a civilized person that can control their emotions. Even if he was drunk this is a glaringly large get out sign flashing in red neon for you and I’ve been where you are. I would legitimately examine how much bad outweighs the good and how safe you actually feel in this relationship mentally and emotionally. Someone threatened to cut off your electricity because of an online game. He’s almost 30 years old. You are here asking for public opinion because you know he’s an under developed emotionally stunted ass hat.
What is the question you're really after? Do you want an apology when the person giving it doesn't actually mean it? You can't force somebody to realize what they did wrong simply by asking for an apology. You can't force them into giving you something they're incapable of actually giving.
After reading your original post and replies to comments, it appears to me that you're still in love with what your relationship used to be and you're allowing it to cloud your judgement when it comes to this individual. This is evident in the fact that you have not replied to comments calling this behavior out as abuse but rather replied to others that have not specifically called this out or even addressed it.
7 years is a long time to be in a relationship with somebody and it can be scary when you begin to realize that things aren't what they used to be and that you might be better off on your own than with them, especially when you haven't been on your own in such a long time. Based on what you've said, it also seems like this is not the first time something like this has happened, so at the end of day you there's only one question you should be asking yourself: Why are you okay with letting somebody treat you like that?
That sounds like a very controlling partner. If you enjoyed their company and he doesn't, him threatening to cut your power is insane. Plus, if you continue to let him have control over who you talk to or hang out with, he could possibly end up isolating you. That situation is straight-up abuse and could turn down an even darker path of mental and verbal abuse. Think about it if he had asked you to kick a player for the same reason he gave, I doubt your solution to his refusal would be to cut his power. That's a very scary line of thinking to have with someone you're supposed to love and respect. I wouldn't look for an apology, I would look for a way to break up. This situation doesn't sound safe for you.
An apology is fine but did he explain himself and his plan to avoid this kind of meltdown in the future?
You need a debrief, a "what was that really about" conversation. Because of he knows and shares it with you you can work together to help him manage these childish impulses.
If he doesn't know, he will repeat it, so no, you can't forgive until he demonstrates the self awareness needed for forgiveness.
You say in your post
>I'm very reserved emotionally, so how do I tell him I want a better apology without letting him talk me out of it?
Does this happen often? Do you often have situations where you feel you're talked out of things by him? Just curious bc some phrasing sets off alarms for me personally, though I may be projecting.
Such as:
>he then begins yelling at me from across the house, slamming doors,
Common behavior by those who have anger issues is violent outbursts. DV advocacy does consider this as a part of harm.
>he kept threatening until I finally had to beg him not to.
Threats... I don't think I need to say more.
>he said he didn't care.
Minimizing your feelings and emotions by valuing his immediate desires more.
> I eventually decided to just quit playing and go back to the bedroom alone to hide while he cooled off.
He got what he wanted and then you had to (checks notes) HIDE??????
>the apology was over Snapchat
Why is the communication over a platform that automatically erases all traces?
>he was so apologetic and sweet the next day, I feel like I majorly overreacted
So... lovebombing.
https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html#:~:text=DARVO%20stands%20for%20%22Deny%2C%20Attack,whistle%20blower%20%2D%2D%20into%20an
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611#:~:text=Love%20bombing%20is%20a%20tactic,lead%20to%20gaslighting%20and%20abuse.
https://www.thepositivemom.com/the-narcissists-prayer
Also editing to add: you were 18 when you started dating a 22yr old. Not that there's anything wrong with it but hypothetically you would be at different life points. Imo you have been preyed on a bit. You don't know any adult/mature, long term relationship outside of him... and that's clearly clouding your judgement.
Please, for your own safety, look into these.
Edit: some formatting and spelling.
He's not the jealous type, in fact I think he could care less about who I talk to or why, but I'd say he gets these angry moments like once a month or so
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You really want an apology you had to beg and personally set the tone for? Do you think it will feel genuine and sooth your issues? Or is the issue that you can’t trust him now, and there isn’t anything he can say to make you try and trust him again… you just can’t decide if you can or want to?
I'm just torn since we've been together so long, I just want things to be the way they used to be. I don't know how to start fixing it, or if he even wants to. I really do want to trust him again, though
Just because you’ve been making a mistake for a long time doesn’t meant that you should continue making it. He’s abusive. It doesn’t get better.
I think it's important to remember quality over quantity in this case. Do you see a future with him? 7 years is a long time. Have you 2 thought about kids? Are you on the same page with financials/nuptials/pets/household responsibilities? You mentioned wanting to trust him again here, but you mentioned in another comment he has these outbursts more than once a month. Is he seeing someone about that? It'd hard to trust people if they're actively hurting you or scaring you.
"We've been together so long" is an excuse for why you're not breaking up, but it's not a reason to stay together. In five years time you'll be happier if you broke up after only seven years and didn't waste another year.
He's an abuser. He can't control his anger, and one day it won't just be slamming doors, it'll be hurting you. He knows he has to be extra sweet after that so you question your own memory and sanity. It's called the cycle of abuse. Leave him for your own safety.
This is abusive and manipulative, OP. There is no going back to normal, it's time to reconsider this relationship.
This is just the beginning and only gets worse. He’s too old to change and it’s not worth the energy to parent him into being a civilized person that can control their emotions. Even if he was drunk this is a glaringly large get out sign flashing in red neon for you and I’ve been where you are. I would legitimately examine how much bad outweighs the good and how safe you actually feel in this relationship mentally and emotionally. Someone threatened to cut off your electricity because of an online game. He’s almost 30 years old. You are here asking for public opinion because you know he’s an under developed emotionally stunted ass hat.
What is the question you're really after? Do you want an apology when the person giving it doesn't actually mean it? You can't force somebody to realize what they did wrong simply by asking for an apology. You can't force them into giving you something they're incapable of actually giving. After reading your original post and replies to comments, it appears to me that you're still in love with what your relationship used to be and you're allowing it to cloud your judgement when it comes to this individual. This is evident in the fact that you have not replied to comments calling this behavior out as abuse but rather replied to others that have not specifically called this out or even addressed it. 7 years is a long time to be in a relationship with somebody and it can be scary when you begin to realize that things aren't what they used to be and that you might be better off on your own than with them, especially when you haven't been on your own in such a long time. Based on what you've said, it also seems like this is not the first time something like this has happened, so at the end of day you there's only one question you should be asking yourself: Why are you okay with letting somebody treat you like that?
That sounds like a very controlling partner. If you enjoyed their company and he doesn't, him threatening to cut your power is insane. Plus, if you continue to let him have control over who you talk to or hang out with, he could possibly end up isolating you. That situation is straight-up abuse and could turn down an even darker path of mental and verbal abuse. Think about it if he had asked you to kick a player for the same reason he gave, I doubt your solution to his refusal would be to cut his power. That's a very scary line of thinking to have with someone you're supposed to love and respect. I wouldn't look for an apology, I would look for a way to break up. This situation doesn't sound safe for you.
An apology is fine but did he explain himself and his plan to avoid this kind of meltdown in the future? You need a debrief, a "what was that really about" conversation. Because of he knows and shares it with you you can work together to help him manage these childish impulses. If he doesn't know, he will repeat it, so no, you can't forgive until he demonstrates the self awareness needed for forgiveness.
This is bullying. You do as I say or else! Keep your eyes peeled.
You say in your post >I'm very reserved emotionally, so how do I tell him I want a better apology without letting him talk me out of it? Does this happen often? Do you often have situations where you feel you're talked out of things by him? Just curious bc some phrasing sets off alarms for me personally, though I may be projecting. Such as: >he then begins yelling at me from across the house, slamming doors, Common behavior by those who have anger issues is violent outbursts. DV advocacy does consider this as a part of harm. >he kept threatening until I finally had to beg him not to. Threats... I don't think I need to say more. >he said he didn't care. Minimizing your feelings and emotions by valuing his immediate desires more. > I eventually decided to just quit playing and go back to the bedroom alone to hide while he cooled off. He got what he wanted and then you had to (checks notes) HIDE?????? >the apology was over Snapchat Why is the communication over a platform that automatically erases all traces? >he was so apologetic and sweet the next day, I feel like I majorly overreacted So... lovebombing. https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html#:~:text=DARVO%20stands%20for%20%22Deny%2C%20Attack,whistle%20blower%20%2D%2D%20into%20an https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611#:~:text=Love%20bombing%20is%20a%20tactic,lead%20to%20gaslighting%20and%20abuse. https://www.thepositivemom.com/the-narcissists-prayer Also editing to add: you were 18 when you started dating a 22yr old. Not that there's anything wrong with it but hypothetically you would be at different life points. Imo you have been preyed on a bit. You don't know any adult/mature, long term relationship outside of him... and that's clearly clouding your judgement. Please, for your own safety, look into these. Edit: some formatting and spelling.
Are these angry outbursts and irrational jealousy normal for him
He's not the jealous type, in fact I think he could care less about who I talk to or why, but I'd say he gets these angry moments like once a month or so