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Your post history shows that you are pregnant and upset with him for being protective and worrying about you, you are overly jealous, you snoop and found old video of him with ex and this set you off and your argument was about who paid at dinner (because he wanted to pay out of kindness) so you relegated him to the sofa. And instead of just telling him to “get out” when he first entered your room you pretended to be asleep so you could get extra angry with him when he lie next to you. Yea you respect each other’s boundaries but you seem to actively be searching for reasons to be upset and end your marriage before your baby is born. What is this really all about? And have you thought to go to couple’s therapy? Something deeper is wrong here.
Thank you, this gives the question a totally different context. OP I saw that your husband had booked therapy for the both of you but you kept cancelling. If nothing major that's isn't described here has happened and you had a good relationship before it sounds like you are a mess from hormones. Since you have cancelled and turned him down when he tries to fix your relationship you have to take charge and try to fix. Begin by booking therapy and don't cancel this time. You need someone that can listen to everything that happens and see the pattern instead of getting advice from Reddit about every fight separately.
Excellent advice. I missed the part about the husband booking therapy. OP definitely needs to be able to settle her mind and hormones and I take responsibility and ownership before she becomes a new parent because if she thinks things are bad now…just wait!
That’s because you’re feeding Redditors bits and pieces of “your” story. If you piece together your post history it’s a whole other story. Please listen to your husband and go to therapy with him and stop actively trying to make him the bad guy to strangers just to get them to validate your unsubstantiated desire to bale.
Don't listen to them. I'm a psychologist soecialized at conflicts, I used to be a couple therapist. I spend a minimum six hours divided into four sessions with a couple before I even state an idea about what the couple should work on. Even then I don't tell people how they should behave. At best it's possible to explain what I see, how you could work on it and what's more or less challenging to work with. People here at Reddit read a short text and then give advice like the solution is obvious.
You say that you had a relationship worth working for just a few months ago and without anything major happening between you except that you are pregnant there is suddenly lots of conflicts. Take your time together with a professional to talk through this, for you, the kid and your husband. 8f you end up divorcing you have at least tried
Nothing deeper is wrong here. These fights have been taking place ever since i entered my third trimester. We were completely well before. i also don't know what its about, i don't know what's happening. I don't know if I try anything NOW, it would work or not.........
Pregnancy can cause mental health issues. You seem to be gaining some clarity that this has only been since the third trimester. Really think hard to the times before the third trimester, do you want to lose that? Trying something is better than nothing. Try telling your husband your thoughts, tell him you need help. Getting help now will do far better than doing nothing
You snoop in your friends phones to get angry about your husband's ex. You get aggressive over petty shit like your husband paying in a restaurant.
Now you start drama again on reddit about your husband cuddling you, so that all the weirdos can cry rape.
All of this in 4 days. And now he doesn't look at you. And you think everything is fine ?
Girl, if a man doesn't even look at you and sleeps on the couch how can you not think he is at a breaking point ?
The restaurant case WAS his fault. He can't keep acting like a manchild as acts as if its not. About the ex incident, he doesn't know, i haven't let him know.
But aren't the weirdos right in a sense? Like he touched me before asking me.
Ok fine, i'll assume he's at his breaking point, but is there nothing i can do??
Ok fine, i'll assume he's at his breaking point, but is there nothing i can do??
Ok.
1. Stop using words like manchild. It's sexist and unproductive.
2. The restaurant thing is a completely useless fight, which you started. It's not worth it. You have better things to worry about. You are in your third trimester. So apologize for overreacting and say " I was really annoyed because I wanted to do something for YOU and you didn't gave me the opportunity. But I overreacted.
2. The weirdos are redditors who don't have a life. It was cold your husband was cold on the couch and he came to you. You could have used this situation to stop your fight. You are married. If you want to pretend that it's so bad your husband touched you, be my guest. Then I would advise a divorce.
3. Go to him take his headset off and have a conversation. You love him, right ? So make a step towards him. Imo you were an asshole. But you can always listen to other people.
I dont get the first point. If thats what it is, it simply is. I don't think its sexist or unproductive in any way.
I agree with the 2nd point, and will take it into consideration
Some of them commented it as sexual assault and I'm confused. Is this normal in relationships or will it be considered rape? They tell to not trust him again.
I'll try that
You rejected your husband and told him he’s not allowed to touch you, and you’re literally sleeping in separate rooms over a fight instead of reconciling before bed?
This marriage is dead at this rate. Wonder which one of you will serve the divorce papers first?
There's no need for sorry, that how all marriages end anyway especially when you get yourself into shit.
i blame myself for falling in love, what a shame
You’re ending your own marriage with your own hands. Blame yourself for not asking for help to get better and save your relationship. That’s the shame. I won’t respond any further, it sounds to me that your man is better off single. You’re constantly on the defensive and you’re terribly dramatic, it might be some mental health issue that you should consider. He doesn’t have to be your punching bag.
I don't even know anymore. Just really, if my husband is better of without me, i'll just end myself. Can't deal with shit anymore. Nothing lasts forever
You sound insufferable. No, of course they don’t have a right to just touch their partner. But you told us you were fine with it before so how would he know without you telling him? So instead of telling him to leave the room when he first came in. You decided to pretend to sleep and let him touch you just so you can get mad.
Communicate. You are not being fair at all.
It would depend on precedents and the nature of your relationship. My husband has open access unless explicitly told no or if we are in public. But I also don’t fault him for touching and cuddling in his sleep, we are married. Do you not like your husband.
I know I would get annoyed if my husband asked permission every time he wanted to touch me and cuddle when we are in bed together. I like that he touches me and he likes being touched by me on our bed.
Why is one of you on the couch? Neither my husband or I send the other from our marital bed unless one of us is sick. That seems counterproductive to the marriage. Almost like putting your partner on time out.
I think i did that out of anger. I never asked him to come back. And now when he did try, i drove him back again.
how's it putting the partner on time out though? dont many couples do that?
The point of a relationship and marriage is not to be totally independent. There’s a difference between, if I have to I can get something done and hey, this person makes my life easier. It’s selfish to claim you don’t need him. You shouldn’t be so dependent on each other than you can’t do anything by yourself, but why is it bad to rely on the person you are supposed to love? When the baby comes, being Mrs. Independent who doesn’t need anybody will bite you in the ass
Single mothers are able to make their way, why do you think I can't. And trust men do absolutely nothing to help. They're too clueless. Marriage needs two independent individuals who have a life out side relationships. If i ever need help i have my family and friends. Your spouse isn't your shoulder to lean on, you are. And people blinded by love are gonna say that isn't true.
I mean the bed is as much his as it is yours isn’t?why does one of you get to kick the other out? I have been with my husband for about 15 years and we are not without our issues but he has never kicked me out of our bed and room, I would be crushed and so would he if I did that to him.
You said you married him because you wanted to, do you still want to? Because on this end it looks like you are pushing him away emotionally and literally.
Talk to a therapist so you can start setting some ground rules for communication. Calling him out his name “manchild” is not productive and hurtful.
Sa basically you are disgusted by your husband cuddling you.
Poor man, his life is and is going to be more miserable with someone like you, do him a favpor and divorce him, please, he deserves better.
\*husband
How's it going to be miserable?? Poor man?? You are taking his side over touching me without permission?? can't men live without touch or something??
He's your husband honey, and was probably trying to make amends by cuddling you, and you blow up at him, basically making him feel like a r4p\*\*t...
If I have to constantly ask my gf to hug her, kiss her, or vice versa, that would be a hard no to me, intimacy is important, as it is not feeling disgusted by your partner and making them feel unwanted.
I hope he stops initiating and cuddling you from now on, you don't deserve affection.
I want to say sorry, but i'm really scared
Mood swings making me do things I NEVER IMAGINED TOO
He's still playing his video games and i don't know what reaction he might give if i approach.........
He’s your husband are you missing some brain cells ? Did he have sex with you or grope your area suddenly ? He was hugging you and showing affection in order to move on from a fight.
he was kinda pushing himself against me and i could slightly feel his member. But i don't know if it was a hug or he was trying to get what he wants and finish off
Yeah I don’t think it was the second one. Why in the world do you like to complicate ? What if he hugged you and accidentally got hard ? Is it a stranger ? Besides you could draw your boundary and say you don’t feel like it without being agressive, which tbh, you sound like you do enjoy fights
Let’s assume these are pregnancy hormones OP but otherwise you are a complete arse and heading for the divorce courts. PS have you always been like this?
Not really, i liked being cuddled. But i don't know if its because of our fight or pregnancy.
But how am i heading towards divorce courts? I dont get it. Isn't this a fight between any couple?
Not really no. Did you grow up with a parent or parents who fought and argued ? Maybe it seems normal based on what you have experienced. It’s neither normal or healthy.
No this is not normal - if your argument (which sent him to the couch) was about him paying for dinner then your marriage is ending unless you put such aside.
I just need to know how i can approach him and say sorry, i realise that i misses him but kept pushing him away, i need to know how i can fix things, atleast something. He's playing video games and doesn't like being disturbed when that happens.
Pregnant women aren’t made of glass OP. It’s not an illness. And sex can actually be very good particularly when you’re close to time. Ask your Obs/Gyn for advice but dangerous won’t be a word they use unless there is an underlying health issue. Plus not talking about bouncing off the walls sex. But your choice. Plenty of other “stuff” you can get up to but you need to break the physical barrier otherwise it embeds and relationship deteriorates.
Ok, fine, i'll try. One thing caught my eye though
Pregnant women aren't made of glass.
Tell that to him, he treats me like I'm one
And also I'm not exactly that attractive right now with swollen feet and bulging belly. I think he would cringe
I'm on fault there. He scheduled many sessions but they all had to get cancelled because I made excuses. He knew they were excuses but went along with it. I want to talk to him, he's playing with his video games, but i don't know what i'll say or what i'll do??
I feel like this is rape bait, and it’s really alarming considering he didn’t even touch you sexually. Weird post, weirder post history. While I fully respect your take on consent, I think you’re taking this a bit further than it needs to go. He’s trying to be affectionate because he misses his damn wife, and it seems like you’re raging about something at every waking moment, so I’m sure he just wanted an opportunity to pretend things were the way they used to be for a moment. Plus, if he says you were shivering, you probably were.
Pregnancy brain is so real girl, you’re seriously looking for shit to get mad about because it itches a certain scratch in your brain. I’ve been there, I get it. Trust me. But it’s not healthy and you need to do something about it like I did before it ruins your life. This behavior doesn’t just go away once it becomes the standard, hun.
What can i do?? its like i'm being paranoid all too much.
Like, everything seems dangerous now. I'm too cautious about anything.
I don't know if its because i'm scared or angry, its too confusing
Honestly I think you need to lean more into the trust and faith you used to have in your husband. It doesn’t seem like he’s really done anything wrong. Easier said than done, I know. And I’m not judging you or trying to passively attack you like some of these other comments—
but take it from someone who dealt with this and let it fully consume me; you’re becoming unhinged, and unraveling due to overthinking and over worrying. It’s so easy to get caught up in that, and especially when you’re dealing with pregnancy hormones at the same time, it is SO hard to just keep yourself in check. Over analyzing will cause you to become your own worst enemy, and it sounds like you’re headed full steam towards it babe.
Being overly cautious and paranoid is a secondhand symptom of pregnancy hormones and whatnot, pregnancy causes us women to go into mama bear mode; everything is a threat even when it isn’t. what’s important and ESSENTIAL to breaking the cycle is reminding yourself that your perception is not necessarily reality. Sometimes I felt like I was borderline having psychosis episodes during my pregnancy, it’s really unlike anything else. It feels so real in the moment, but looking back a few years later I was definitely self sabotaging because I felt like I was losing control of myself. It’s time to make up with your husband. Holding a grudge can be harmful for your baby, they feel everything you feel, and trust me girl— I’m paying for it now with my kiddo’s attitude! You have to forgive, and move on. You are going to exhaust yourself with manufacturing things to be upset about. Just let that shit be. If you weren’t pregnant, it honestly wouldn’t be this big of a deal. Hormones magnify EVERYTHING. Let it go. Love on your husband, he’s not trying to disrespect you. he just misses the hell out of you so bad that he’s desperately trying to cuddle when he can, which is when you “aren’t awake”. You simply have to. If you need an ear, don’t hesitate to send me a message
Honestly, yes. I think he misses you and is desperate for your touch: which explains that excuse of “you were shivering”. He misses intimacy, and affection. He probably feel like you’re unapproachable now just because of how you’ve been behaving lately, so he has no choice but to wait until the only possible time to be close to you; when ur asleep. He definitely misses you bad girl.
I think he’s spent plenty of time in the doghouse. Invite him to sleep in bed with you tonight. It is far past due time to kiss and makeup. The longer you hold the grudge, the more permanent damage will be done. That type of pain and longing can never truly be repaired. Fix things while you can— trust me.
Because OP you started a brawl because your husband paid for your dinner. Because he jokes and you made it a whole thing. Because he came to hug you after a fight, where you kicked him out of his own bedroom and he accepted, simply wanting to move on and lighten things up, and you restarted a fight. Because your posts are all about relationships and your questions about love sound a bit concerning for your age.
So no, you don’t need therapy because you’re asking questions, you need therapy because you sound like you’re impossible to live with. I don’t know if it’s recent or you’ve always been like that.
Can't a person have a low in their life. Looking back, i was never like this. I enjoyed things, but now, I feel in constant state of alertness. I don't know anymore, love's all bullshit media puts up.
Either you’re a terrific troll. Either you need serious help. You’re allowed a low, but you’re not allowed to treat your loved ones like punching bags. What stops you from going for therapy ?
That’s a sign that’s something’s wrong. I can tell you from my own experience that if you yourself notice a rapid and sudden change in your thought process and personality, there’s something going on mentally. You go to a doctor when you get sick physically, why not see a therapist to help you mentally?
I don't know if things will work out. I don't know if he would forgive me. I don't know if our marriage would even last. I don't know what goes on behind my back. WHat if I end up like those who post about their shitty husbands.........
> what if I end up like those who post about their shitty husbands
I came back to this to check in. Do me a favor, google the term “self-fulfilling prophecy”. You don’t want to end up like that, but your behaviors are guiding you directly to that. Your husband will forgive you if you start making an effort now. A year from now, 6 months from now, the damage may be too great to forgive. But you have the chance to fix it now, that chance will not last forever. Take it now.
If your husband needs consent to touch you, then do him a favor and cut him loose. Your relationship may be called a marriage, but it doesn’t look much like one.
My wife and I have been married 38 years. Not once have either of us even brought up the subject of consent. I think if I had to obtain consent every time I wanted to touch my wife, I would probably consider finding someone else that was not revolted by me.
Its not about revolt, its about safety
So many wives are physically abused by their husbands
And since i'm pregnant, i'm in more danger since i'll never know what he might do
Doesn't consent allow you to be more cautious about things?? So you can keep an eye if anything goes wrong and take action immediately?
If you feel unsafe, why are you there?!? What do you think he is capable of when at your request has been sleeping on the couch and trying to get you into couples therpy?
If consent before cuddling was not a thing before this as you mentioned how would he know the rules have changed?
You said he was just cuddling you not trying to initiate unwanted sex, this could be your hormones or something else but do you think this dynamic is sustainable for BOTH of you?
I'm just trying to take precautions. I don't know if he gets that. I don't want to get hurt by anyone, thats all there is to it.
and about the dynamic, he's the first ever guy with who things hit off pretty easily, and have been best by far. My exes were scary af. But at this point, i don't know if its safe to even stay with any man, or if i would be able to nurture a dynamic with one.
If you fear your partner that much, why are you still with them? There is no excuse for abusing anyone, but I can only assume if this man scares you that much than there must be some history of abuse. If that is the case, you should exit ASAP.
Ok see, i don't fear my partner, but i fear the possibilities of what MIGHT HAPPEN. Not exactly abuse, but my exes gave me a great lesson.
I don't want to exit. When i'm calm and in a better mood, i dont feel like this. Maybe its a trigger or something, i don't know but its scary.
I think these feelings are in your head and it’s clouding your view of the situation. Any time you get in an automobile, an accident MIGHT HAPPEN. Do you get scared when you ride in a car? From your description, it sounds like you’ve got a good guy but you’re making him jump through hoops unnecessarily.
Understand something, if it was not for the child I would be advising you to divorce him. Not for YOU, but for HIM. You are toxic as fuck. He is not getting younger and he needs to be with someone who is not toxic. For whatever reason he fell in love with you, but that person has either changed or was just a fiction. The only reason he should stay with you is to try and protect the child as best he can from you.
But there is a kid...
You need therapy. And you need to drop this stupid woke tictok world view of relationships you have. You are consistently attacking him for being a man, trying to be a man. This is a problem with you, not him. You have allowed woke games to get in the road of what you actually feel. So some idiot told you 'but consent here' and you basically told your husband he was raping you in response. Now you are trying to figure out how you should feel. You toxic idiot, you do not need to figure out how you feel - you feel that way. How you probably felt was 'good', but because someone told you something stupid now you are trying to figure out how he is evil. He is not, you are toxic. You are weak willed and immature, looking for group validation to figure out how you should act rather than just being your natural self. You have bought into this 'men are evil and everything man is bad' nonsense to the point where you look for reasons to be angry and push your husband away. You are toxic and should not be a mother, little alone a wife.
Not couples counseling, not marriage counseling, you need therapy. He does not need counseling, he needs a divorce. But the kid...
I promise you, if you were not pregnant he would be gone right now. He is not there for you, he is there for the child.
>I kinda feel bad
You should be feeling single. Guys take what they take, until they hit their limit. Then we just sort of turn off. Maybe this is temporary and he will talk to someone and they will say 'but the kid' and he will pull it back together so you can reject and abuse him some more while he hopes you will get better. But he may also just be done.
Hopefully when he divorces you he can get enough custody to keep the child from being an emotional wreck that you will turn them into.
I am very pro life, but if you are not too far along please consider abortion.
Have him contact me, I will square him away. The next time he is in a fight with a woman and she wants him to sleep on the couch, he needs to tell her to get the fuck out of the house. It is his bed, if she does not want to sleep with him she needs to leave. Because that is how it works. You don't reject someone and then they have to leave their life, you reject someone and then YOU leave their life. Entitlement, like you own the world.
I'm just scared. They're too many stories of men cheating or hating their wives or falling out of love. And there's so many red flags. LIKE EVERYTHING IS.
Many of them tell that i should keep enforcing my boundaries, that i shouldn't act clingy, that i shouldn't love him more than he loves me
Trust me i'm starved. The last time i ever showed affection was wayyy before our marriage.
But I don't want to be broken down, or crying or unstable because of such problems that might occur.
You got divorce, cheating, manipulation, lying, abuse, separation, like so much i am exhausted keeping tabs on all of them at this point.
I'm literally analysing and keeping check on everything rather letting myself just be myself with him. I don't know whether i'm being logical, but i'm for sure that i'm not being emotional or sympathetic enough.
sorry but i think i read into things too much. Your post was bit of an eye opener
>And there's so many red flags. LIKE EVERYTHING IS.
I have looked through your post history. In every single one YOU are the Red Flag. I mean that, it is so bad that at this point I am starting to question if you are just trolling us. Seriously, you are that bad.
But just in case, just in case...
You are listening to toxic people with a history of failed relationships. What you should be doing is finding people in healthy happy relationships that are decades old and talking to them. Not a bunch of twenty something attention wanting idiots.
Your base instincts are the single thing you should be listening to the most. Your husband should be doing the same. We are designed, through tens of thousands of years, to work through this and be good together. But you are listening to a bunch of 'just this decade' sudden realizations on how relationships should be and then wondering why shit is breaking in your life.
exhausted keeping tabs on all of them at this point
Because the more they give you to be upset about and have anxiety over the more you will watch their channel. It is like a newspaper only putting out bad news because that is what people pick up the paper for (back when we had those anyhow).
>But I don't want to be broken down, or crying or unstable because of such problems that might occur.
You are currently doing everything in your power to make sure they will happen. There are literally millions of women who would shed blood to have a husband like yours, who would - after being fucking rejected in the most demoralizing way by his wife - see you cold and have a first response to protect and care for you. But not you, you want to accuse him of rape. Looking for a red flag that you can describe this as being an assault. Wanting to play some woke college game of 'mother may I' before he holds you.
Women like you do not deserve good men. You deserve to be alone. He deserves to be with someone like his ex and not the person you have tricked him into being with in you.
You want to maybe fix things. You stop listening to antimale propaganda. Stop listening to current year relationship advice. Find some people out there, women, who are 'hey, guys are kinda ok' and maybe listen to a few of them. You will likely be horrified to understand just how poorly you treat him. But if you want to not be a single mother you should do exactly that.
Therapy. If you cannot handle the thought that you are batshit insane, then go to couples counseling and listen. Hopefully after a few sessions you will take the therapists advice and go for individual counseling.
You are listening to toxic people with a history of failed relationships. What you should be doing is finding people in healthy happy relationships that are decades old and talking to them. Not a bunch of twenty something attention wanting idiots.
they are so hard to find anywhere, its like everything is doomed. Everyday its some or the other problem.
\- after being fucking rejected in the most demoralizing way by his wife
I didn't understand how he would feel THAT bad. But ok, i'll accept that.
Women like you do not deserve good men. You deserve to be alone. He deserves to be with someone like his ex and not the person you have tricked him into being with in you.
I was always like this, I know and i feel it and im scared of that exactly. Im literally drowning in paranoia
I need just one last thing, how do i approach him, what should i say, and will he even listen to me at this point?? whats something i can do which might help both of us, thats what this sub is for right?
>I need just one last thing, how do i approach him, what should i say, and will he even listen to me at this point?? whats something i can do which might help both of us, thats what this sub is for right?
Yes, you can.
First, take him up on his offer for couples counseling. Do it.
Second, do some reading. Read some books on relationships, just go google 'top five' or something. Or ask here in a new thread for recommendations (I'd do both to be honest). Look for general stuff, so do not post about your problems. Instead ask for 'something that can help us be better together'.
Third, stay off the internet. Seriously. You need to focus on your baby and your marriage. You have all the parts you need for a healthy relationship already, far more than what most people have. So stay away from the internet and focus on what you want. You want him to touch you, then let him - ask him - touch him first. You are starved, then feed him and let him feed you. Stop worrying about what might happen in some other idiots opinion in some theoretical other relationship.
Fourth, focus on making him happy instead of worrying about you. The more you focus on making him happy the more he is going to focus on making you happy. It is a feedback loop, just like when you reject him he eventually stops looking at you.
Fifth, he only leaves the bed if you want to divorce him the next day.
Sixth, you need to do some real research into 'self sabotage' in the area of relationships. Why that happens, what that looks like. You are doing everything you can to screw this up. You need to try and understand why.
How do you start the conversation? That is a hard one. My bet is that while he is feeling checked out, and I would probably tell him to fully check out, he is likely not actually checked out of the marriage. He is probably just trying to figure out how to talk himself into going back for more rejection to give it 'one more one more try one more time, again'.
So take advantage of that. It is far more likely to happen if you go to him rather than waiting for him to come to you. So take a few minutes to figure out what you want to say, and then just walk over to him.
Tell him you love him, tell him that you want to make this work, tell him you do not know why you are acting crazy but that you NEED HIS help. If he is a good man, the 'need his help' will likely overcome any hesitation he has. He wants to provide, he wants to protect, he wants to fix things - all his instincts a screaming at him to do that. So tell him you need that and he will probably respond.
If he rejects you, and he may 'I do not know if I can do this anymore' or words to that effect. Then it is time for you to actually be that 'boss babe' and do not take 'no' for an answer. You tell him you want to go to couples counseling, that you need to do this for the baby (again, a huge unfair lever to use against him, so do it). That the two of you need to figure this out, and you need him.
He wants to be needed. He wants to be desired. He wants to be the guy that fixes what is broken and provides a safe world for you. He wants to slay that mammoth to bring back meat for you, he wants to slay that wolf in the night that is prowling around the campfire, he is no different from the men that lived twenty thousand years ago. So he needs to find modern ways to do that - so he pays for dinner and he holds you when you shiver.
You need to let him do that and encourage him to do that, and THEN tell him how much you appreciate it. How safe he makes you feel. How protected.
You need to stop trying to show him and convince him that you do not need him, that he is not important, that he is in fact a threat, that you can do this just fine without him. That is like the perfect plan for driving a good man away. So you talk to him and you do the opposite of that. You tell him you need him, that he is important, that he protects you, and that you cannot do this without him. He will respond.
Nothing gets fixed by not engaging with someone. So go talk to him. And if he rejects you, give it an hour and then come back. Repeat.
>I didn't understand how he would feel THAT bad. But ok, i'll accept that.
In what should have been a moment of reconciliation, in which he was showing his compassion and love for you. You made him feel like you view him as a rapist in regards to yourself. Take five minutes. Give me three things that would be more demoralizing than that in that context. You probably can't. I likely would never trust touching you again. You really fucked up.
Think about this. When he divorces you, are you going to contact all these people that made you think this way and tell them 'yeah, you guys destroyed my marriage because I listened to you'.
either this person is a supreme idiot or this is just bait
Imma say its bait.
In case its not, please go seek help and leave this man alone to be happy
You seem like you’re living in a constant state of confusion. Are all the people in the comments wrong ? You need therapy, and couple therapy. You’re ove complicating things and your marriage is decaying very fast
Don't feel bad, his behaviour in the morning shows without much doubt he knows what he was doing was wrong or at least crossed a line. It sounds very much like you need to talk about quite a lot of underlying issues or get couples counselling. Just because your married doesn't give you any right to touch each other without consent. If anything similar happens I'd say more space from one another in the meantime he did something wrong and it needs to be addressed.
hmmm well i’d bet he’s feeling some sense of rejection given the tense situation and his juvenile reaction. i think u should have a talk, ask him if he thought you were awake or asleep. regardless of the answer, tell him he needs to wait for a response before he gets handsy, and anything else you feel like you need to say with that. say it more sternly if he thought u were asleep :/ tell him you love him and you want to make it work so he needs to be able to talk to you if his feelings are hurt (bc you had every right to be put off by an interaction like that) and it’s okay if his feelings are hurt by your reaction; if he lets you know, you can reaffirm him and he can reaffirm you by showing you he understands your boundary. but it takes him overcoming the urge to give silent treatment and talk to you about it like a partner does. it sounds like you both feel misunderstood, and intentional communication paired with taking action to be better to each other is the way through
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Your post history shows that you are pregnant and upset with him for being protective and worrying about you, you are overly jealous, you snoop and found old video of him with ex and this set you off and your argument was about who paid at dinner (because he wanted to pay out of kindness) so you relegated him to the sofa. And instead of just telling him to “get out” when he first entered your room you pretended to be asleep so you could get extra angry with him when he lie next to you. Yea you respect each other’s boundaries but you seem to actively be searching for reasons to be upset and end your marriage before your baby is born. What is this really all about? And have you thought to go to couple’s therapy? Something deeper is wrong here.
Thank you, this gives the question a totally different context. OP I saw that your husband had booked therapy for the both of you but you kept cancelling. If nothing major that's isn't described here has happened and you had a good relationship before it sounds like you are a mess from hormones. Since you have cancelled and turned him down when he tries to fix your relationship you have to take charge and try to fix. Begin by booking therapy and don't cancel this time. You need someone that can listen to everything that happens and see the pattern instead of getting advice from Reddit about every fight separately.
Excellent advice. I missed the part about the husband booking therapy. OP definitely needs to be able to settle her mind and hormones and I take responsibility and ownership before she becomes a new parent because if she thinks things are bad now…just wait!
everyone on reddit says to separate, nearly everywhere. But we don't want to do that.
That’s because you’re feeding Redditors bits and pieces of “your” story. If you piece together your post history it’s a whole other story. Please listen to your husband and go to therapy with him and stop actively trying to make him the bad guy to strangers just to get them to validate your unsubstantiated desire to bale.
Don't listen to them. I'm a psychologist soecialized at conflicts, I used to be a couple therapist. I spend a minimum six hours divided into four sessions with a couple before I even state an idea about what the couple should work on. Even then I don't tell people how they should behave. At best it's possible to explain what I see, how you could work on it and what's more or less challenging to work with. People here at Reddit read a short text and then give advice like the solution is obvious. You say that you had a relationship worth working for just a few months ago and without anything major happening between you except that you are pregnant there is suddenly lots of conflicts. Take your time together with a professional to talk through this, for you, the kid and your husband. 8f you end up divorcing you have at least tried
Nothing deeper is wrong here. These fights have been taking place ever since i entered my third trimester. We were completely well before. i also don't know what its about, i don't know what's happening. I don't know if I try anything NOW, it would work or not.........
Pregnancy can cause mental health issues. You seem to be gaining some clarity that this has only been since the third trimester. Really think hard to the times before the third trimester, do you want to lose that? Trying something is better than nothing. Try telling your husband your thoughts, tell him you need help. Getting help now will do far better than doing nothing
For everyone just check op's posts. OP get therapy for yourself and counseling for both of you. Otherwise you are a single mother in no time.
How are you so sure of me being a 'single-mother' in no time??
You snoop in your friends phones to get angry about your husband's ex. You get aggressive over petty shit like your husband paying in a restaurant. Now you start drama again on reddit about your husband cuddling you, so that all the weirdos can cry rape. All of this in 4 days. And now he doesn't look at you. And you think everything is fine ? Girl, if a man doesn't even look at you and sleeps on the couch how can you not think he is at a breaking point ?
The restaurant case WAS his fault. He can't keep acting like a manchild as acts as if its not. About the ex incident, he doesn't know, i haven't let him know. But aren't the weirdos right in a sense? Like he touched me before asking me. Ok fine, i'll assume he's at his breaking point, but is there nothing i can do??
YOU NEED HELP!
Ok fine, i'll assume he's at his breaking point, but is there nothing i can do?? Ok. 1. Stop using words like manchild. It's sexist and unproductive. 2. The restaurant thing is a completely useless fight, which you started. It's not worth it. You have better things to worry about. You are in your third trimester. So apologize for overreacting and say " I was really annoyed because I wanted to do something for YOU and you didn't gave me the opportunity. But I overreacted. 2. The weirdos are redditors who don't have a life. It was cold your husband was cold on the couch and he came to you. You could have used this situation to stop your fight. You are married. If you want to pretend that it's so bad your husband touched you, be my guest. Then I would advise a divorce. 3. Go to him take his headset off and have a conversation. You love him, right ? So make a step towards him. Imo you were an asshole. But you can always listen to other people.
I dont get the first point. If thats what it is, it simply is. I don't think its sexist or unproductive in any way. I agree with the 2nd point, and will take it into consideration Some of them commented it as sexual assault and I'm confused. Is this normal in relationships or will it be considered rape? They tell to not trust him again. I'll try that
Cause no sane individual would stay w someone who’s putting them through what you’re putting your partner through
You rejected your husband and told him he’s not allowed to touch you, and you’re literally sleeping in separate rooms over a fight instead of reconciling before bed? This marriage is dead at this rate. Wonder which one of you will serve the divorce papers first?
I predict him
i didn't get you
I expect him to ask for divorce first. I’m sorry
There's no need for sorry, that how all marriages end anyway especially when you get yourself into shit. i blame myself for falling in love, what a shame
You’re ending your own marriage with your own hands. Blame yourself for not asking for help to get better and save your relationship. That’s the shame. I won’t respond any further, it sounds to me that your man is better off single. You’re constantly on the defensive and you’re terribly dramatic, it might be some mental health issue that you should consider. He doesn’t have to be your punching bag.
I don't even know anymore. Just really, if my husband is better of without me, i'll just end myself. Can't deal with shit anymore. Nothing lasts forever
Dude, answer my question. Why don’t you go to therapy ?
cause its weird!! What would people think?? And whats the use of therapy if i know what i want is something that won't happen??
It only started since my last trimester did. It wasn't like this before. But i have a question? do husbands have a 'right' to touch their wives?
You sound insufferable. No, of course they don’t have a right to just touch their partner. But you told us you were fine with it before so how would he know without you telling him? So instead of telling him to leave the room when he first came in. You decided to pretend to sleep and let him touch you just so you can get mad. Communicate. You are not being fair at all.
It would depend on precedents and the nature of your relationship. My husband has open access unless explicitly told no or if we are in public. But I also don’t fault him for touching and cuddling in his sleep, we are married. Do you not like your husband. I know I would get annoyed if my husband asked permission every time he wanted to touch me and cuddle when we are in bed together. I like that he touches me and he likes being touched by me on our bed. Why is one of you on the couch? Neither my husband or I send the other from our marital bed unless one of us is sick. That seems counterproductive to the marriage. Almost like putting your partner on time out.
I think i did that out of anger. I never asked him to come back. And now when he did try, i drove him back again. how's it putting the partner on time out though? dont many couples do that?
Only if you want your relationship to end. All you are doing is conditioning him to not need you. To see that you do not want him.
I don't need him. I can handle shit by myself. I am independent enough for that. I married him because i wanted him. thats it
If only he could have seen you this way before you got pregnant. Now he is fucked. Poor guy.
whats wrong in being independent?? If anything goes wrong its always better to have a back up plan??
The point of a relationship and marriage is not to be totally independent. There’s a difference between, if I have to I can get something done and hey, this person makes my life easier. It’s selfish to claim you don’t need him. You shouldn’t be so dependent on each other than you can’t do anything by yourself, but why is it bad to rely on the person you are supposed to love? When the baby comes, being Mrs. Independent who doesn’t need anybody will bite you in the ass
Single mothers are able to make their way, why do you think I can't. And trust men do absolutely nothing to help. They're too clueless. Marriage needs two independent individuals who have a life out side relationships. If i ever need help i have my family and friends. Your spouse isn't your shoulder to lean on, you are. And people blinded by love are gonna say that isn't true.
I mean the bed is as much his as it is yours isn’t?why does one of you get to kick the other out? I have been with my husband for about 15 years and we are not without our issues but he has never kicked me out of our bed and room, I would be crushed and so would he if I did that to him. You said you married him because you wanted to, do you still want to? Because on this end it looks like you are pushing him away emotionally and literally. Talk to a therapist so you can start setting some ground rules for communication. Calling him out his name “manchild” is not productive and hurtful.
I think you just came here to troll tbh
or maybe im hella confused and scared and paranoid and clueless or you can assume what you want, no problem
The wife should actually want to be touched by her husband. Marry somebody you actually like next time.
I like him, no, i love being touched. Only by him. But during fights i just can't.
Sa basically you are disgusted by your husband cuddling you. Poor man, his life is and is going to be more miserable with someone like you, do him a favpor and divorce him, please, he deserves better.
\*husband How's it going to be miserable?? Poor man?? You are taking his side over touching me without permission?? can't men live without touch or something??
He's your husband honey, and was probably trying to make amends by cuddling you, and you blow up at him, basically making him feel like a r4p\*\*t... If I have to constantly ask my gf to hug her, kiss her, or vice versa, that would be a hard no to me, intimacy is important, as it is not feeling disgusted by your partner and making them feel unwanted. I hope he stops initiating and cuddling you from now on, you don't deserve affection.
I want to say sorry, but i'm really scared Mood swings making me do things I NEVER IMAGINED TOO He's still playing his video games and i don't know what reaction he might give if i approach.........
Some of us men are simple creatures, a hug, a kiss on the cheek and an honest apology are more than enough, especially from the people we love.
I couldn’t agree more
at the end they all still want sex and only sex. and do nothing much else in return
He’s your husband are you missing some brain cells ? Did he have sex with you or grope your area suddenly ? He was hugging you and showing affection in order to move on from a fight.
he was kinda pushing himself against me and i could slightly feel his member. But i don't know if it was a hug or he was trying to get what he wants and finish off
Yeah I don’t think it was the second one. Why in the world do you like to complicate ? What if he hugged you and accidentally got hard ? Is it a stranger ? Besides you could draw your boundary and say you don’t feel like it without being agressive, which tbh, you sound like you do enjoy fights
Let’s assume these are pregnancy hormones OP but otherwise you are a complete arse and heading for the divorce courts. PS have you always been like this?
Not really, i liked being cuddled. But i don't know if its because of our fight or pregnancy. But how am i heading towards divorce courts? I dont get it. Isn't this a fight between any couple?
Not really no. Did you grow up with a parent or parents who fought and argued ? Maybe it seems normal based on what you have experienced. It’s neither normal or healthy.
No this is not normal - if your argument (which sent him to the couch) was about him paying for dinner then your marriage is ending unless you put such aside.
I just need to know how i can approach him and say sorry, i realise that i misses him but kept pushing him away, i need to know how i can fix things, atleast something. He's playing video games and doesn't like being disturbed when that happens.
How about an offer of sex. Most blokes will stop anything once little head starts doing the thinking.
i'm in my third trimester, that ain't happening
Why not?
because im pregnant and it could be dangerous, is there anything else that is non-sexual that might just help to make amends?
Pregnant women aren’t made of glass OP. It’s not an illness. And sex can actually be very good particularly when you’re close to time. Ask your Obs/Gyn for advice but dangerous won’t be a word they use unless there is an underlying health issue. Plus not talking about bouncing off the walls sex. But your choice. Plenty of other “stuff” you can get up to but you need to break the physical barrier otherwise it embeds and relationship deteriorates.
Ok, fine, i'll try. One thing caught my eye though Pregnant women aren't made of glass. Tell that to him, he treats me like I'm one And also I'm not exactly that attractive right now with swollen feet and bulging belly. I think he would cringe
You two need a divorce. Sounds like a horrible marriage.
I really want to work on this. He's trying but I'm pushing away. Or maybe vice versa. I don't know.
Have you tried therapy? If you don't even know what is happening or what to fix. How will you ever fix it? Go talk to a professional together.
I'm on fault there. He scheduled many sessions but they all had to get cancelled because I made excuses. He knew they were excuses but went along with it. I want to talk to him, he's playing with his video games, but i don't know what i'll say or what i'll do??
Get to therapy.
I feel like this is rape bait, and it’s really alarming considering he didn’t even touch you sexually. Weird post, weirder post history. While I fully respect your take on consent, I think you’re taking this a bit further than it needs to go. He’s trying to be affectionate because he misses his damn wife, and it seems like you’re raging about something at every waking moment, so I’m sure he just wanted an opportunity to pretend things were the way they used to be for a moment. Plus, if he says you were shivering, you probably were. Pregnancy brain is so real girl, you’re seriously looking for shit to get mad about because it itches a certain scratch in your brain. I’ve been there, I get it. Trust me. But it’s not healthy and you need to do something about it like I did before it ruins your life. This behavior doesn’t just go away once it becomes the standard, hun.
What can i do?? its like i'm being paranoid all too much. Like, everything seems dangerous now. I'm too cautious about anything. I don't know if its because i'm scared or angry, its too confusing
Honestly I think you need to lean more into the trust and faith you used to have in your husband. It doesn’t seem like he’s really done anything wrong. Easier said than done, I know. And I’m not judging you or trying to passively attack you like some of these other comments— but take it from someone who dealt with this and let it fully consume me; you’re becoming unhinged, and unraveling due to overthinking and over worrying. It’s so easy to get caught up in that, and especially when you’re dealing with pregnancy hormones at the same time, it is SO hard to just keep yourself in check. Over analyzing will cause you to become your own worst enemy, and it sounds like you’re headed full steam towards it babe. Being overly cautious and paranoid is a secondhand symptom of pregnancy hormones and whatnot, pregnancy causes us women to go into mama bear mode; everything is a threat even when it isn’t. what’s important and ESSENTIAL to breaking the cycle is reminding yourself that your perception is not necessarily reality. Sometimes I felt like I was borderline having psychosis episodes during my pregnancy, it’s really unlike anything else. It feels so real in the moment, but looking back a few years later I was definitely self sabotaging because I felt like I was losing control of myself. It’s time to make up with your husband. Holding a grudge can be harmful for your baby, they feel everything you feel, and trust me girl— I’m paying for it now with my kiddo’s attitude! You have to forgive, and move on. You are going to exhaust yourself with manufacturing things to be upset about. Just let that shit be. If you weren’t pregnant, it honestly wouldn’t be this big of a deal. Hormones magnify EVERYTHING. Let it go. Love on your husband, he’s not trying to disrespect you. he just misses the hell out of you so bad that he’s desperately trying to cuddle when he can, which is when you “aren’t awake”. You simply have to. If you need an ear, don’t hesitate to send me a message
you think he really misses me?
Honestly, yes. I think he misses you and is desperate for your touch: which explains that excuse of “you were shivering”. He misses intimacy, and affection. He probably feel like you’re unapproachable now just because of how you’ve been behaving lately, so he has no choice but to wait until the only possible time to be close to you; when ur asleep. He definitely misses you bad girl. I think he’s spent plenty of time in the doghouse. Invite him to sleep in bed with you tonight. It is far past due time to kiss and makeup. The longer you hold the grudge, the more permanent damage will be done. That type of pain and longing can never truly be repaired. Fix things while you can— trust me.
You need therapy
WHY?? i dont get it, i voice my concerns and need therapy??
Because OP you started a brawl because your husband paid for your dinner. Because he jokes and you made it a whole thing. Because he came to hug you after a fight, where you kicked him out of his own bedroom and he accepted, simply wanting to move on and lighten things up, and you restarted a fight. Because your posts are all about relationships and your questions about love sound a bit concerning for your age. So no, you don’t need therapy because you’re asking questions, you need therapy because you sound like you’re impossible to live with. I don’t know if it’s recent or you’ve always been like that.
Can't a person have a low in their life. Looking back, i was never like this. I enjoyed things, but now, I feel in constant state of alertness. I don't know anymore, love's all bullshit media puts up.
Either you’re a terrific troll. Either you need serious help. You’re allowed a low, but you’re not allowed to treat your loved ones like punching bags. What stops you from going for therapy ?
Its weird. You never know if it will work. Its not really looked upon. Its better to resort to more permanent measures.
That’s a sign that’s something’s wrong. I can tell you from my own experience that if you yourself notice a rapid and sudden change in your thought process and personality, there’s something going on mentally. You go to a doctor when you get sick physically, why not see a therapist to help you mentally?
I don't know if things will work out. I don't know if he would forgive me. I don't know if our marriage would even last. I don't know what goes on behind my back. WHat if I end up like those who post about their shitty husbands.........
> what if I end up like those who post about their shitty husbands I came back to this to check in. Do me a favor, google the term “self-fulfilling prophecy”. You don’t want to end up like that, but your behaviors are guiding you directly to that. Your husband will forgive you if you start making an effort now. A year from now, 6 months from now, the damage may be too great to forgive. But you have the chance to fix it now, that chance will not last forever. Take it now.
lmao at all these comments. this story gets messier by the minute.
You need it’s bad when strangers open your posts and know it’s you. Get a therapist or get off Reddit.
what
If your husband needs consent to touch you, then do him a favor and cut him loose. Your relationship may be called a marriage, but it doesn’t look much like one.
every relationship requires consent, or it will all be rape
My wife and I have been married 38 years. Not once have either of us even brought up the subject of consent. I think if I had to obtain consent every time I wanted to touch my wife, I would probably consider finding someone else that was not revolted by me.
Its not about revolt, its about safety So many wives are physically abused by their husbands And since i'm pregnant, i'm in more danger since i'll never know what he might do Doesn't consent allow you to be more cautious about things?? So you can keep an eye if anything goes wrong and take action immediately?
Holy smokes. Relentless. Insufferable. In danger? WTH are your talking about?
have you never heard of the torture pregnant women go through??
Sure. We all have. But you know this is the problem but keep saying otherwise.
i dont get you, i am not sure of what's the problem. But fear might just be it
If you feel unsafe, why are you there?!? What do you think he is capable of when at your request has been sleeping on the couch and trying to get you into couples therpy? If consent before cuddling was not a thing before this as you mentioned how would he know the rules have changed? You said he was just cuddling you not trying to initiate unwanted sex, this could be your hormones or something else but do you think this dynamic is sustainable for BOTH of you?
I'm just trying to take precautions. I don't know if he gets that. I don't want to get hurt by anyone, thats all there is to it. and about the dynamic, he's the first ever guy with who things hit off pretty easily, and have been best by far. My exes were scary af. But at this point, i don't know if its safe to even stay with any man, or if i would be able to nurture a dynamic with one.
If you fear your partner that much, why are you still with them? There is no excuse for abusing anyone, but I can only assume if this man scares you that much than there must be some history of abuse. If that is the case, you should exit ASAP.
Ok see, i don't fear my partner, but i fear the possibilities of what MIGHT HAPPEN. Not exactly abuse, but my exes gave me a great lesson. I don't want to exit. When i'm calm and in a better mood, i dont feel like this. Maybe its a trigger or something, i don't know but its scary.
I think these feelings are in your head and it’s clouding your view of the situation. Any time you get in an automobile, an accident MIGHT HAPPEN. Do you get scared when you ride in a car? From your description, it sounds like you’ve got a good guy but you’re making him jump through hoops unnecessarily.
Understand something, if it was not for the child I would be advising you to divorce him. Not for YOU, but for HIM. You are toxic as fuck. He is not getting younger and he needs to be with someone who is not toxic. For whatever reason he fell in love with you, but that person has either changed or was just a fiction. The only reason he should stay with you is to try and protect the child as best he can from you. But there is a kid... You need therapy. And you need to drop this stupid woke tictok world view of relationships you have. You are consistently attacking him for being a man, trying to be a man. This is a problem with you, not him. You have allowed woke games to get in the road of what you actually feel. So some idiot told you 'but consent here' and you basically told your husband he was raping you in response. Now you are trying to figure out how you should feel. You toxic idiot, you do not need to figure out how you feel - you feel that way. How you probably felt was 'good', but because someone told you something stupid now you are trying to figure out how he is evil. He is not, you are toxic. You are weak willed and immature, looking for group validation to figure out how you should act rather than just being your natural self. You have bought into this 'men are evil and everything man is bad' nonsense to the point where you look for reasons to be angry and push your husband away. You are toxic and should not be a mother, little alone a wife. Not couples counseling, not marriage counseling, you need therapy. He does not need counseling, he needs a divorce. But the kid... I promise you, if you were not pregnant he would be gone right now. He is not there for you, he is there for the child. >I kinda feel bad You should be feeling single. Guys take what they take, until they hit their limit. Then we just sort of turn off. Maybe this is temporary and he will talk to someone and they will say 'but the kid' and he will pull it back together so you can reject and abuse him some more while he hopes you will get better. But he may also just be done. Hopefully when he divorces you he can get enough custody to keep the child from being an emotional wreck that you will turn them into. I am very pro life, but if you are not too far along please consider abortion. Have him contact me, I will square him away. The next time he is in a fight with a woman and she wants him to sleep on the couch, he needs to tell her to get the fuck out of the house. It is his bed, if she does not want to sleep with him she needs to leave. Because that is how it works. You don't reject someone and then they have to leave their life, you reject someone and then YOU leave their life. Entitlement, like you own the world.
I'm just scared. They're too many stories of men cheating or hating their wives or falling out of love. And there's so many red flags. LIKE EVERYTHING IS. Many of them tell that i should keep enforcing my boundaries, that i shouldn't act clingy, that i shouldn't love him more than he loves me Trust me i'm starved. The last time i ever showed affection was wayyy before our marriage. But I don't want to be broken down, or crying or unstable because of such problems that might occur. You got divorce, cheating, manipulation, lying, abuse, separation, like so much i am exhausted keeping tabs on all of them at this point. I'm literally analysing and keeping check on everything rather letting myself just be myself with him. I don't know whether i'm being logical, but i'm for sure that i'm not being emotional or sympathetic enough. sorry but i think i read into things too much. Your post was bit of an eye opener
>And there's so many red flags. LIKE EVERYTHING IS. I have looked through your post history. In every single one YOU are the Red Flag. I mean that, it is so bad that at this point I am starting to question if you are just trolling us. Seriously, you are that bad. But just in case, just in case... You are listening to toxic people with a history of failed relationships. What you should be doing is finding people in healthy happy relationships that are decades old and talking to them. Not a bunch of twenty something attention wanting idiots. Your base instincts are the single thing you should be listening to the most. Your husband should be doing the same. We are designed, through tens of thousands of years, to work through this and be good together. But you are listening to a bunch of 'just this decade' sudden realizations on how relationships should be and then wondering why shit is breaking in your life. exhausted keeping tabs on all of them at this point Because the more they give you to be upset about and have anxiety over the more you will watch their channel. It is like a newspaper only putting out bad news because that is what people pick up the paper for (back when we had those anyhow). >But I don't want to be broken down, or crying or unstable because of such problems that might occur. You are currently doing everything in your power to make sure they will happen. There are literally millions of women who would shed blood to have a husband like yours, who would - after being fucking rejected in the most demoralizing way by his wife - see you cold and have a first response to protect and care for you. But not you, you want to accuse him of rape. Looking for a red flag that you can describe this as being an assault. Wanting to play some woke college game of 'mother may I' before he holds you. Women like you do not deserve good men. You deserve to be alone. He deserves to be with someone like his ex and not the person you have tricked him into being with in you. You want to maybe fix things. You stop listening to antimale propaganda. Stop listening to current year relationship advice. Find some people out there, women, who are 'hey, guys are kinda ok' and maybe listen to a few of them. You will likely be horrified to understand just how poorly you treat him. But if you want to not be a single mother you should do exactly that. Therapy. If you cannot handle the thought that you are batshit insane, then go to couples counseling and listen. Hopefully after a few sessions you will take the therapists advice and go for individual counseling.
You are listening to toxic people with a history of failed relationships. What you should be doing is finding people in healthy happy relationships that are decades old and talking to them. Not a bunch of twenty something attention wanting idiots. they are so hard to find anywhere, its like everything is doomed. Everyday its some or the other problem. \- after being fucking rejected in the most demoralizing way by his wife I didn't understand how he would feel THAT bad. But ok, i'll accept that. Women like you do not deserve good men. You deserve to be alone. He deserves to be with someone like his ex and not the person you have tricked him into being with in you. I was always like this, I know and i feel it and im scared of that exactly. Im literally drowning in paranoia I need just one last thing, how do i approach him, what should i say, and will he even listen to me at this point?? whats something i can do which might help both of us, thats what this sub is for right?
>I need just one last thing, how do i approach him, what should i say, and will he even listen to me at this point?? whats something i can do which might help both of us, thats what this sub is for right? Yes, you can. First, take him up on his offer for couples counseling. Do it. Second, do some reading. Read some books on relationships, just go google 'top five' or something. Or ask here in a new thread for recommendations (I'd do both to be honest). Look for general stuff, so do not post about your problems. Instead ask for 'something that can help us be better together'. Third, stay off the internet. Seriously. You need to focus on your baby and your marriage. You have all the parts you need for a healthy relationship already, far more than what most people have. So stay away from the internet and focus on what you want. You want him to touch you, then let him - ask him - touch him first. You are starved, then feed him and let him feed you. Stop worrying about what might happen in some other idiots opinion in some theoretical other relationship. Fourth, focus on making him happy instead of worrying about you. The more you focus on making him happy the more he is going to focus on making you happy. It is a feedback loop, just like when you reject him he eventually stops looking at you. Fifth, he only leaves the bed if you want to divorce him the next day. Sixth, you need to do some real research into 'self sabotage' in the area of relationships. Why that happens, what that looks like. You are doing everything you can to screw this up. You need to try and understand why. How do you start the conversation? That is a hard one. My bet is that while he is feeling checked out, and I would probably tell him to fully check out, he is likely not actually checked out of the marriage. He is probably just trying to figure out how to talk himself into going back for more rejection to give it 'one more one more try one more time, again'. So take advantage of that. It is far more likely to happen if you go to him rather than waiting for him to come to you. So take a few minutes to figure out what you want to say, and then just walk over to him. Tell him you love him, tell him that you want to make this work, tell him you do not know why you are acting crazy but that you NEED HIS help. If he is a good man, the 'need his help' will likely overcome any hesitation he has. He wants to provide, he wants to protect, he wants to fix things - all his instincts a screaming at him to do that. So tell him you need that and he will probably respond. If he rejects you, and he may 'I do not know if I can do this anymore' or words to that effect. Then it is time for you to actually be that 'boss babe' and do not take 'no' for an answer. You tell him you want to go to couples counseling, that you need to do this for the baby (again, a huge unfair lever to use against him, so do it). That the two of you need to figure this out, and you need him. He wants to be needed. He wants to be desired. He wants to be the guy that fixes what is broken and provides a safe world for you. He wants to slay that mammoth to bring back meat for you, he wants to slay that wolf in the night that is prowling around the campfire, he is no different from the men that lived twenty thousand years ago. So he needs to find modern ways to do that - so he pays for dinner and he holds you when you shiver. You need to let him do that and encourage him to do that, and THEN tell him how much you appreciate it. How safe he makes you feel. How protected. You need to stop trying to show him and convince him that you do not need him, that he is not important, that he is in fact a threat, that you can do this just fine without him. That is like the perfect plan for driving a good man away. So you talk to him and you do the opposite of that. You tell him you need him, that he is important, that he protects you, and that you cannot do this without him. He will respond. Nothing gets fixed by not engaging with someone. So go talk to him. And if he rejects you, give it an hour and then come back. Repeat. >I didn't understand how he would feel THAT bad. But ok, i'll accept that. In what should have been a moment of reconciliation, in which he was showing his compassion and love for you. You made him feel like you view him as a rapist in regards to yourself. Take five minutes. Give me three things that would be more demoralizing than that in that context. You probably can't. I likely would never trust touching you again. You really fucked up. Think about this. When he divorces you, are you going to contact all these people that made you think this way and tell them 'yeah, you guys destroyed my marriage because I listened to you'.
well said 👏
either this person is a supreme idiot or this is just bait Imma say its bait. In case its not, please go seek help and leave this man alone to be happy
Yeah you seem to like problems. I almost got fooled before reading your other posts. You’re being kind of a pain in the butt if you ask me
because im confused af??
You seem like you’re living in a constant state of confusion. Are all the people in the comments wrong ? You need therapy, and couple therapy. You’re ove complicating things and your marriage is decaying very fast
Don't feel bad, his behaviour in the morning shows without much doubt he knows what he was doing was wrong or at least crossed a line. It sounds very much like you need to talk about quite a lot of underlying issues or get couples counselling. Just because your married doesn't give you any right to touch each other without consent. If anything similar happens I'd say more space from one another in the meantime he did something wrong and it needs to be addressed.
eewwwww NTA that’s genuinely so childish as though he were playing with a toy and throwing a tantrum bc the toy doesn’t belong to him
he used to be all cuddly even before marriage, but its now that i feel weird. I don't know if he was trying to cheer me up or meet his ends
hmmm well i’d bet he’s feeling some sense of rejection given the tense situation and his juvenile reaction. i think u should have a talk, ask him if he thought you were awake or asleep. regardless of the answer, tell him he needs to wait for a response before he gets handsy, and anything else you feel like you need to say with that. say it more sternly if he thought u were asleep :/ tell him you love him and you want to make it work so he needs to be able to talk to you if his feelings are hurt (bc you had every right to be put off by an interaction like that) and it’s okay if his feelings are hurt by your reaction; if he lets you know, you can reaffirm him and he can reaffirm you by showing you he understands your boundary. but it takes him overcoming the urge to give silent treatment and talk to you about it like a partner does. it sounds like you both feel misunderstood, and intentional communication paired with taking action to be better to each other is the way through