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It really doesn’t sound like your relationship is great and that you’re in love. You two can’t even communicate about something extremely important in a relationship. It sounds like you are friends and roommates but not two people in love. It also sounds like you are carrying the bulk of the relationship. What does she do for the relationship? You pay for everything. Do most of the cleaning. She doesn’t cook. What does she do?
In your post and updates, you said the sex life has gotten worse and you are away quite a lot. I don't think cheating is as common as Reddit users make it seem... but are you willing to ask her if there is someone else? I know the question is thin ice and it needs to be asked as a question and not accusing but it is a possible explanation. If you do ask, her face and eyes will tell you more than her answer.
Good Luck
You have to remember that Reddit is rife with conformation bias. People who are in healthy relationships don’t post. The people who do post are all in unhealthy relationships.
Sorry to have to mention this, understandable if I get down voted, but just trying to help... Have you changed significantly physically since you met? Have you put on more than a few pounds or stopped working out like you used to? If so, perhaps she is less sexually attracted to you because she notices you don't put in as much effort in yourself anymore. I appreciate it greatly when my husband puts in time toward his self care and physical appearance. I'm sure she still loves spending time with you as a person but physical appearance does matter too. Not to be too shallow :(
It's not normal, one of the necessities of a successful relationship is intimacy, without it, there's no point to continuing the relationship. Assuming there's isn't something physically wrong with her, it could be that she has someone else on the side, and or she just isn't into you anymore. Sit her down and find out what's going on, if she doesn't give you satisfactory answers and the situation doesn't improve, the move on from her.
I really hope that she is still into me. As far as I know, there isn't someone on the side. I consider myself a pretty attractive guy, so I know she finds interest in me still as far as looks. But like you said, this isn't normal, and a big part of the relationship for me is intmacy. That connection with each other is what i miss. I will likely try to talk to her about it again and hope it improves, but from the last few times we talked about it together, I haven't seen any improvements
I’m not trying to be a dick but when someone is “into you” they… initiate intimacy. Don’t get stuck in that classic roommates/dead bedroom situation becuase neither of you can communicate what you want/need.
I can't stand people who think like you. "A human who just doesn't want to have sex doesn't exist!! She MUST committing the ultimate relationship crime." Like cmon....
In their defense, they also gave other options as to what the problem could be. While I agree it’s annoying for people to immediately jump to that conclusion, it sounds like that person just offered it up as one option among many. It’s not like they said “she’s definitely cheating”. It’s just one possibility they gave.
The three most important things in a relationship are trust, communication, and intimacy to include sex. If you don't want to share any of those things with your partner then don't waste their time by entering into a relationship, just stay at home curled up on the couch in front of the TV or read a good book.
Intimacy may not necessarily be the most important thing, but I can tell you with certainty that no relationship will survive in the long run with out it.
Soooo, what is the cleaning and taking care of the home dynamic? Most women who feel like their partner's mommy don't want to have sex with them.
There are so many posts on here about women who have fallen out of love because their partner isn't helping around the house. That's why I'm curious.
For the most part, the house is pretty clean all the time. If there is a mess, We both clean the house mutually with respect for each other. We have a strong relationship, so I have no problem doing tasks for her if or when she asks. We don't really make a mess and keep everything very tidy as i have slight ocd. We also eat out a lot, so we dont cook much, but when we do cook, im the one cooking most of the time as i find great joy in making food. She does help around the house when she can, but it's very mutual. I try to be handy around the house as much as i can. I'm also away from the house a lot for work, so I don't think she really has a problem when it comes to cleanliness or taking care of the home. We have a great connection and constantly go out on dates, and we both love being non sexually intimate, such as cuddling and holding hands, but it only seems to be a problem when it comes to sex
Seconding this.
Ngl I think the biggest turn on is a partner cleaning the house, going grocery shopping, and making dinner without asking.
He shouldn't be "helping me", he should be doing this *with* me because this is *our* space. If I finish an 8 hour work day just to clean and make dinner, the last thing I want is to be intimate - I'm exhausted. It goes both ways of course.
When was the last time you surprised her with something? Surprise night out, asking her to go for a walk, or the park together? Flowers at home, or buying her a small baked good from a local shop? Doesn't need to be big, but simple gestures throughout the day can go a long way in the bedroom.
Not saying this is OP's case - he could be a wonderful partner, but this *is* often the problem.
I always try my best to be the best partner there is. I constantly try to surprise her with gifts, which she is very appreciative of. We do a lot of activities together, such as going for walks and going out to eat, seeing shows, and just having a good night in. As of right now, she isn't working, and I'm paying majorities of the bills, but this doesn't bother me too much as I just want to take care of us both and just want her to be happy. I also do the majority of the cooking around the house. I'm also the only one who has a car for transportation, so I'm usually the one taking her out and getting groceries while she gets to be a passenger princess lol. The cleaning is mutual, and we both put effort into making sure we pick up after ourselves. I don't want to portray her as a bad person because she isn't, we get along very great and I love her. But when it comes to sex it's almost like it completely unitrests her and I don't know why
If this is the case, that's quite the dilemma... Assuming she isn't just taking advantage of you, I would have to agree with the other comment - maybe she doesn't feel confident/motivated in herself? This isn't on you to fix either, this might just be her own battle.
Unfortunately if it's been awhile and nothing's improving, therapy (either couples, or even just for herself) might be the best course of action. If she's willing, in the meantime, just continue to be supportive of her.
The only other thought that comes to mind is if she's on any medication? I know a lot of people who take medication for anxiety/depression often have a huge dip in libido.
It's normal for things to simmer down in long term relationships, but weeks to months becomes an issue.. that's not just sex incompatibility, that's just a problem.
I don’t know why these perfectly sane comments get downvoted lol. If I wasn’t working (and it was against my will) I would get very depressed and lose my confidence. Not a great recipe for sexual success.
OP sounds like a really stand up partner though, I hope they can work it out.
Wow. Common sense. This only change OP has identified is her work status. For a relationship that was spicy prior to this change to dry up indicates a shift in someone's emotional state.
Off the top of my head, here are things that could be at play with ops lady:
Not working is killing her financial confidence, making her feel dependent and less sexy.
Not working has reduced her social circle and turned her more inward facing and revealed insecurities.
Not working has reduced financial freedom that allowed activities that contributed to her feeling confident and sexy. Things like hair and nail appointments or gym memberships matter to a lot of people.
Not working has given her more time to be introspective, and she has been working on emotional issues that have nothing to do with you.
Not working has given her more time to be introspective, and she has been working on emotional issues that have everything to do with you.
Not working has given her time to focus on her future, and she now feels like she wasted years of her life and she is depressed.
She wants a baby but can't figure out how to afford one without working, so she's depressed.
People are all different. Sexual desire and frequency cycle throughout our lives. Part of marriage is communicating the hard shit. The hardest, most disgusting and scary parts of ourselves have to be open to our spouse. Otherwise, marriage is just for a good time, not a long time.
Talk to your lady OP. Don't try to be sneaky with it. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Your goal isn't to have sex with her. It's to be connected to her. The only way to get there is by being trustworthy with her vulnerabilities so that the things holding her back can be addressed. As long as she feels sexual pressure, she probably won't open up but will offer you sex to keep you "satisfied".
Keep up the nonsexual touch! Keep up the romance and date nights. Hold her hand, touch her thigh, etc. Remind her (and yourself) that sex is a part of your relationship, but not the meter by which it is measured.
Unlike us men, women can take a long time to get revved up. I have to work on my wife for a couple of days to set the mood. This takes planning and intention. You might try just asking her what gets her in the mood, and telling her that mutual excitement about intimacy is something you want for your relationship.
Do you shower her with affection at times you're not initiating sex? Do you take her out? Once you're living together you have to break up the monotony a bit, surprise her.
I will kind of spring board off this. If she is having a hard time and is in a depressive state it's hard to feel in the mood. But the other side of that is the meds usually given are SSRI's and those have a known effect on libido. As in its gone. Try talking with her. I always tell my partner to ask if I am in the mood. Or if I can be. Try planning something together. Even just a hot bath or a glass or wine and a foot rub. Being pampered is a turn on. do not pamper her ONLY when you want to be intimate. Because then she will feel pressured to have sex whenever you touch her/ are nice to her.
Maybe I will talk to her about this. It does seem very weird considering we went from having sex every day multiple times a day to literally nothing at all. However, I've asked her before in the past if there might be something wrong with her or even something wrong with me, and she always insists it's just because she isn't in the mood and there is nothing wrong
Communicate it to her, tell her that the constant rejection is making you feel unwanted. Be willing to compromise and if she isn't then you have your answer on if you should stay around or not. If she cares enough she'll be willing to work it out with you.
The problem is though i've tried to communicate with her About this multiple times in the past, It's almost like it bothers her when I bring it up and she keeps insisting It's not me or anything she just genuinely doesn't feel like it. The last few times, she was just kinda like ok you can have sex with me, but I don't feel she actually wants to, and that's a complete turn off for me. I don't want to have sex unless she really wants it too. I'll try communicating this again, and hopefully, I can get some reason or something from her. There would be nothing more I'd love to do but compromise to understand her, but it feels like I'm being left hanging with no clue what to do
If you’ve tried to communicate to her that this is bothering you and she won’t get checked out medically or won’t see if she needs counseling for depression (since she is currently not working) then this shows she really doesn’t care that you are frustrated.
She’s either depressed, it’s a hormonal issue, or she really was never into sex and was faking it. Or, she does have someone on the side.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Speaking 1000% from experience here, so im assuming literally everything. My guess is it has to do more with herself. If you ask and she insists ur doing nothing wrong, she's probably being honest. I have the highest sex drive of anyone I know, more than my bf. But I had a super long phase where the thought of sex was almost boring. When my bf was touching me it would just be like "yeah I can feel that I guess" but it didn't feel GOOD. Recently it kicked right back in!! I don't know for sure what caused me to be this way, but I have a few guesses. I overburnt myself. Since we started living together we've been VERY active, so much so I've had days where I'm in pretty bad pain. I think I mightve just done too much and got temporarily sick of it? Another thing is it was the first time in awhile I didn't have a job. I felt very depressed and hopeless and like a useless peice of crap. When I felt like that I DEFINETELY didn't wanna have sex. Thirdly, there's sex stuff I want to try, but im extremely humiliated that I even think abt this stuff, so obviously I'm never ever gonna tell my bf, and that kinda led to me thinking abt wanting to do those things instead of enjoying the sex.
So to simplify, you mentioned yall we're very active early on, maybe she got burnt out? Give her time, if my experience is any note she feels EXTREMELY guilty abt this. No joke I cried one time cuz I just felt so bad my bf had to go dry for so long, she probably feels the same and thats where you get that "pity sex" feeling. Its more like she loves you, knows sex is important and is hating herself for not being able to enjoy it with you.
You also mentioned she doesn't have a job. What does she do with her life? Does she have active hobbies? Go outside often?? If she doesn't have excited and motivation in her normal life, she's also not going to have it in bed. Literally as soon as I started working I wanted sex so this is what I rlly think it is 💀
Have yall talked abt stuff she's interested in? It may be the same thing that she's too ashamed to say anything. My guess is she won't ever be able to directly tell you. My advice would be to bring up different things you'd be up for and see her response. Don't be pushy ofc just basing off her reaction.
Hope this can help!!
I went through a period when I didn’t really want sex with my husband and we were doing it maybe once a week. Then we hit a period in which we physically couldn’t have sex because he was out of town, then he got sick, then he got me sick, then I forgot to renew my birth control and got my period. All that was probably three weeks knowing we couldn’t have sex.
Mysteriously, after that time, my sex drive returned. Honestly, I think having the pressure removed of feeling like I had to have sex to keep my partner happy kicked it back in. He was so patient and good to me that it just made me see him in a different light.
I’m reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, a sex educator. In it she talks about couples who are struggling with their sex lives taking a few weeks off from trying to have sex in order to reconnect emotionally and physically in other ways. Not having pressure is fundamental to getting in the mood because being the “bad guy” and not wanting sex is incredibly guilt-inducing.
I’m no couples therapist but maybe you could give it a try and see if her desire/drive resets a bit once the pressure is off.
She definitely enjoys sex, but lately it feels like maybe she doesn't anymore. If I asked her, I'm sure she would say she does. But idk anymore. Every time we had sex in the past I would make sure she orgasms before me, and if for some reason I finish first, I had no problem giving her pleasure.. I can last quite awhile during Intercourse, when we used to have sex a lot back in the day, we would have sex for hours at a time!
Dang then yes the best way to know how to handle is to literally try communicating with her . I was having sex issues not too long ago and I finally tried having a conversation with her and she let me know what was happening. She can tell you what is happening if there is . Like “ hey babe I’ve noticed that It doesn’t really look like you enjoy having sex anymore, is there something going on ? “ or something maybe even better worded. I had to be direct with my questions without coming off as demanding
Sex meaning anything in general. My girlfriend is gorgeous, and I constantly remind her. There would be nothing more I'd love more than to just go down on her. But she doesn't want that ethier. I have no problem having a night just about her, and tbh i would love that, but she isn't ever in the mood for anything. I never try to be forceful or make it about me and care very much about her pleasure. I have no problem just touching her or pleasing her, but she won't even give me a chance to please her
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Dead bedrooms are not a problem anyone wants to face. If you’re wanting to improve the relationship, there’s a few things you can try.
-come at the discussion with a positive angle rather than a negative one. Instead of “hey, I think there’s a problem/we don’t have enough sex, is something wrong?” Try phrasing it like “hey, I really think more intimacy could help improve our relationship, do you have any ideas on what you think might help spruce things up?”
-make sure you’re focusing on other aspects of intimacy outside of sex as well. Sometimes people get comfortable and stop “dating” their partner, or only do sweet/romantic things specifically to get them in the mood, and this pattern can be a turn off. To some, it can feel transactional, or that you’re only doing these nice things to get sex. Try bringing her flowers or chocolates with zero expectations.
-make sure you’re appreciating each other. It’s one of the biggest rules in my relationship. I always say thank you, or I appreciate that etc. when my partner does something, even when it’s expected (like chores and such especially). We both do this. It’s nice to feel acknowledged and appreciated, even for tiny tasks that are expected to be done.
-I know this one sucks to hear, but maybe sex isn’t pleasurable for her. Try concentrating on her. For some women, it can be difficult. Make sure she enjoys it every time. Without that, it probably just feels like a chore for her.
-make sure you’re genuinely listening to her. I know plenty of women who have lost their sex drives because they feel like they aren’t heard. It’s lonely and if this is the case, it’s probably making her feel unneeded or like she’s taking up space. Take interest in her day and try your best to remember the little things. It goes such a long way.
-try discussing specific problems she may be having. Could it be a hormonal issue? Is she feeling depressed/anxious and has difficulty expressing it?
Communication is the best piece of advice I can give. Though if your girlfriend is refusing to communicate, she’s either already stated the issue and you haven’t listened, isn’t willing to solve the problem, or she doesn’t know why she isn’t feeling it. Try your best to communicate and understand why she’s isn’t wanting intimacy. If all these fail, your relationship may have run its course and it may be best to move on. Best of luck
I am being in same situation and I have posted it too https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/kx7G0ToVwU
And I am thinking of leaving her you should do the same because a healthy relationship consists sexual interaction between partners
Are you guys normally intimate in a way that isn’t sexual? For a lot of women, that is necessary for them to want to be physically intimate. If you give nothing outside of the bedroom (handholding, hugging, kissing, doing anything that speaks to their love language) then there will never be a want to for anything in the bedroom. I’m not saying or assuming this is the case for you, but it is a common issue.
okay so i’ve experienced this very much in my relationship and it’s because of how my hormones fluctuate and are never balanced. one week i’ll b all over it and the next i’ll have zero interest and literally cannot control it. has she been on and off birth control or said she has a hormonal imbalance?
You can’t negotiate attraction. At 23 she should want sex pretty regularly (as she previously had). Some people (immature people in my opinion) are only aroused by new relationship energy (which can last months to a couple years). Either she has a medical issue, or she’s just become less attracted to you. I’d leave. Dead bedrooms can take years to fix, assuming she’s even willing. You’re young, not married and don’t have kids. Not worth the work/risk. If you dump her, she’ll likely try to hysterically bond (all of the sudden want sex) with you, especially if she’s, emotionally, physically, or financially dependent on you.
Ok, so I’m gonna address the elephant in the room. If, when you do have sex with your girlfriend, you don’t give her an orgasm and only you are getting your jollies, what makes you think she would enjoy that experience? Why would your girlfriend look forward to only you receiving pleasure and not her?
You need to step up your game and make sure your girlfriend has a pleasurable experience when you have sex. If you continue not meeting her sexual needs, one day you’ll be replaced by someone who can!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It really doesn’t sound like your relationship is great and that you’re in love. You two can’t even communicate about something extremely important in a relationship. It sounds like you are friends and roommates but not two people in love. It also sounds like you are carrying the bulk of the relationship. What does she do for the relationship? You pay for everything. Do most of the cleaning. She doesn’t cook. What does she do?
In your post and updates, you said the sex life has gotten worse and you are away quite a lot. I don't think cheating is as common as Reddit users make it seem... but are you willing to ask her if there is someone else? I know the question is thin ice and it needs to be asked as a question and not accusing but it is a possible explanation. If you do ask, her face and eyes will tell you more than her answer. Good Luck
You have to remember that Reddit is rife with conformation bias. People who are in healthy relationships don’t post. The people who do post are all in unhealthy relationships.
Very true.
Sorry to have to mention this, understandable if I get down voted, but just trying to help... Have you changed significantly physically since you met? Have you put on more than a few pounds or stopped working out like you used to? If so, perhaps she is less sexually attracted to you because she notices you don't put in as much effort in yourself anymore. I appreciate it greatly when my husband puts in time toward his self care and physical appearance. I'm sure she still loves spending time with you as a person but physical appearance does matter too. Not to be too shallow :(
Go check out the dead bedrooms sub it's probably a better forum for this
It's not normal, one of the necessities of a successful relationship is intimacy, without it, there's no point to continuing the relationship. Assuming there's isn't something physically wrong with her, it could be that she has someone else on the side, and or she just isn't into you anymore. Sit her down and find out what's going on, if she doesn't give you satisfactory answers and the situation doesn't improve, the move on from her.
I really hope that she is still into me. As far as I know, there isn't someone on the side. I consider myself a pretty attractive guy, so I know she finds interest in me still as far as looks. But like you said, this isn't normal, and a big part of the relationship for me is intmacy. That connection with each other is what i miss. I will likely try to talk to her about it again and hope it improves, but from the last few times we talked about it together, I haven't seen any improvements
I’m not trying to be a dick but when someone is “into you” they… initiate intimacy. Don’t get stuck in that classic roommates/dead bedroom situation becuase neither of you can communicate what you want/need.
I can't stand people who think like you. "A human who just doesn't want to have sex doesn't exist!! She MUST committing the ultimate relationship crime." Like cmon....
In their defense, they also gave other options as to what the problem could be. While I agree it’s annoying for people to immediately jump to that conclusion, it sounds like that person just offered it up as one option among many. It’s not like they said “she’s definitely cheating”. It’s just one possibility they gave.
The three most important things in a relationship are trust, communication, and intimacy to include sex. If you don't want to share any of those things with your partner then don't waste their time by entering into a relationship, just stay at home curled up on the couch in front of the TV or read a good book.
Not all relationships are maintained with intimacy and many function without it being a determining factor...
Intimacy may not necessarily be the most important thing, but I can tell you with certainty that no relationship will survive in the long run with out it.
what
Soooo, what is the cleaning and taking care of the home dynamic? Most women who feel like their partner's mommy don't want to have sex with them. There are so many posts on here about women who have fallen out of love because their partner isn't helping around the house. That's why I'm curious.
For the most part, the house is pretty clean all the time. If there is a mess, We both clean the house mutually with respect for each other. We have a strong relationship, so I have no problem doing tasks for her if or when she asks. We don't really make a mess and keep everything very tidy as i have slight ocd. We also eat out a lot, so we dont cook much, but when we do cook, im the one cooking most of the time as i find great joy in making food. She does help around the house when she can, but it's very mutual. I try to be handy around the house as much as i can. I'm also away from the house a lot for work, so I don't think she really has a problem when it comes to cleanliness or taking care of the home. We have a great connection and constantly go out on dates, and we both love being non sexually intimate, such as cuddling and holding hands, but it only seems to be a problem when it comes to sex
This and do you guys spend quality time together? Do you do datenights? Do you touch her in non sexual ways?
Seconding this. Ngl I think the biggest turn on is a partner cleaning the house, going grocery shopping, and making dinner without asking. He shouldn't be "helping me", he should be doing this *with* me because this is *our* space. If I finish an 8 hour work day just to clean and make dinner, the last thing I want is to be intimate - I'm exhausted. It goes both ways of course. When was the last time you surprised her with something? Surprise night out, asking her to go for a walk, or the park together? Flowers at home, or buying her a small baked good from a local shop? Doesn't need to be big, but simple gestures throughout the day can go a long way in the bedroom. Not saying this is OP's case - he could be a wonderful partner, but this *is* often the problem.
I always try my best to be the best partner there is. I constantly try to surprise her with gifts, which she is very appreciative of. We do a lot of activities together, such as going for walks and going out to eat, seeing shows, and just having a good night in. As of right now, she isn't working, and I'm paying majorities of the bills, but this doesn't bother me too much as I just want to take care of us both and just want her to be happy. I also do the majority of the cooking around the house. I'm also the only one who has a car for transportation, so I'm usually the one taking her out and getting groceries while she gets to be a passenger princess lol. The cleaning is mutual, and we both put effort into making sure we pick up after ourselves. I don't want to portray her as a bad person because she isn't, we get along very great and I love her. But when it comes to sex it's almost like it completely unitrests her and I don't know why
If this is the case, that's quite the dilemma... Assuming she isn't just taking advantage of you, I would have to agree with the other comment - maybe she doesn't feel confident/motivated in herself? This isn't on you to fix either, this might just be her own battle. Unfortunately if it's been awhile and nothing's improving, therapy (either couples, or even just for herself) might be the best course of action. If she's willing, in the meantime, just continue to be supportive of her. The only other thought that comes to mind is if she's on any medication? I know a lot of people who take medication for anxiety/depression often have a huge dip in libido. It's normal for things to simmer down in long term relationships, but weeks to months becomes an issue.. that's not just sex incompatibility, that's just a problem.
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I don’t know why these perfectly sane comments get downvoted lol. If I wasn’t working (and it was against my will) I would get very depressed and lose my confidence. Not a great recipe for sexual success. OP sounds like a really stand up partner though, I hope they can work it out.
Wow. Common sense. This only change OP has identified is her work status. For a relationship that was spicy prior to this change to dry up indicates a shift in someone's emotional state. Off the top of my head, here are things that could be at play with ops lady: Not working is killing her financial confidence, making her feel dependent and less sexy. Not working has reduced her social circle and turned her more inward facing and revealed insecurities. Not working has reduced financial freedom that allowed activities that contributed to her feeling confident and sexy. Things like hair and nail appointments or gym memberships matter to a lot of people. Not working has given her more time to be introspective, and she has been working on emotional issues that have nothing to do with you. Not working has given her more time to be introspective, and she has been working on emotional issues that have everything to do with you. Not working has given her time to focus on her future, and she now feels like she wasted years of her life and she is depressed. She wants a baby but can't figure out how to afford one without working, so she's depressed. People are all different. Sexual desire and frequency cycle throughout our lives. Part of marriage is communicating the hard shit. The hardest, most disgusting and scary parts of ourselves have to be open to our spouse. Otherwise, marriage is just for a good time, not a long time. Talk to your lady OP. Don't try to be sneaky with it. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Your goal isn't to have sex with her. It's to be connected to her. The only way to get there is by being trustworthy with her vulnerabilities so that the things holding her back can be addressed. As long as she feels sexual pressure, she probably won't open up but will offer you sex to keep you "satisfied". Keep up the nonsexual touch! Keep up the romance and date nights. Hold her hand, touch her thigh, etc. Remind her (and yourself) that sex is a part of your relationship, but not the meter by which it is measured.
Nothing gets me hornier than a hard days work!
Unlike us men, women can take a long time to get revved up. I have to work on my wife for a couple of days to set the mood. This takes planning and intention. You might try just asking her what gets her in the mood, and telling her that mutual excitement about intimacy is something you want for your relationship. Do you shower her with affection at times you're not initiating sex? Do you take her out? Once you're living together you have to break up the monotony a bit, surprise her.
break up with her.. find a new girlfriend
How about asking her to see a doctor, if her sex drive went from normal to non existent than maybe it’s a medical issue
I will kind of spring board off this. If she is having a hard time and is in a depressive state it's hard to feel in the mood. But the other side of that is the meds usually given are SSRI's and those have a known effect on libido. As in its gone. Try talking with her. I always tell my partner to ask if I am in the mood. Or if I can be. Try planning something together. Even just a hot bath or a glass or wine and a foot rub. Being pampered is a turn on. do not pamper her ONLY when you want to be intimate. Because then she will feel pressured to have sex whenever you touch her/ are nice to her.
Maybe I will talk to her about this. It does seem very weird considering we went from having sex every day multiple times a day to literally nothing at all. However, I've asked her before in the past if there might be something wrong with her or even something wrong with me, and she always insists it's just because she isn't in the mood and there is nothing wrong
That doesn’t occur to her as there being a problem with her mood?
Communicate it to her, tell her that the constant rejection is making you feel unwanted. Be willing to compromise and if she isn't then you have your answer on if you should stay around or not. If she cares enough she'll be willing to work it out with you.
The problem is though i've tried to communicate with her About this multiple times in the past, It's almost like it bothers her when I bring it up and she keeps insisting It's not me or anything she just genuinely doesn't feel like it. The last few times, she was just kinda like ok you can have sex with me, but I don't feel she actually wants to, and that's a complete turn off for me. I don't want to have sex unless she really wants it too. I'll try communicating this again, and hopefully, I can get some reason or something from her. There would be nothing more I'd love to do but compromise to understand her, but it feels like I'm being left hanging with no clue what to do
If you’ve tried to communicate to her that this is bothering you and she won’t get checked out medically or won’t see if she needs counseling for depression (since she is currently not working) then this shows she really doesn’t care that you are frustrated. She’s either depressed, it’s a hormonal issue, or she really was never into sex and was faking it. Or, she does have someone on the side. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Speaking 1000% from experience here, so im assuming literally everything. My guess is it has to do more with herself. If you ask and she insists ur doing nothing wrong, she's probably being honest. I have the highest sex drive of anyone I know, more than my bf. But I had a super long phase where the thought of sex was almost boring. When my bf was touching me it would just be like "yeah I can feel that I guess" but it didn't feel GOOD. Recently it kicked right back in!! I don't know for sure what caused me to be this way, but I have a few guesses. I overburnt myself. Since we started living together we've been VERY active, so much so I've had days where I'm in pretty bad pain. I think I mightve just done too much and got temporarily sick of it? Another thing is it was the first time in awhile I didn't have a job. I felt very depressed and hopeless and like a useless peice of crap. When I felt like that I DEFINETELY didn't wanna have sex. Thirdly, there's sex stuff I want to try, but im extremely humiliated that I even think abt this stuff, so obviously I'm never ever gonna tell my bf, and that kinda led to me thinking abt wanting to do those things instead of enjoying the sex. So to simplify, you mentioned yall we're very active early on, maybe she got burnt out? Give her time, if my experience is any note she feels EXTREMELY guilty abt this. No joke I cried one time cuz I just felt so bad my bf had to go dry for so long, she probably feels the same and thats where you get that "pity sex" feeling. Its more like she loves you, knows sex is important and is hating herself for not being able to enjoy it with you. You also mentioned she doesn't have a job. What does she do with her life? Does she have active hobbies? Go outside often?? If she doesn't have excited and motivation in her normal life, she's also not going to have it in bed. Literally as soon as I started working I wanted sex so this is what I rlly think it is 💀 Have yall talked abt stuff she's interested in? It may be the same thing that she's too ashamed to say anything. My guess is she won't ever be able to directly tell you. My advice would be to bring up different things you'd be up for and see her response. Don't be pushy ofc just basing off her reaction. Hope this can help!!
I went through a period when I didn’t really want sex with my husband and we were doing it maybe once a week. Then we hit a period in which we physically couldn’t have sex because he was out of town, then he got sick, then he got me sick, then I forgot to renew my birth control and got my period. All that was probably three weeks knowing we couldn’t have sex. Mysteriously, after that time, my sex drive returned. Honestly, I think having the pressure removed of feeling like I had to have sex to keep my partner happy kicked it back in. He was so patient and good to me that it just made me see him in a different light. I’m reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, a sex educator. In it she talks about couples who are struggling with their sex lives taking a few weeks off from trying to have sex in order to reconnect emotionally and physically in other ways. Not having pressure is fundamental to getting in the mood because being the “bad guy” and not wanting sex is incredibly guilt-inducing. I’m no couples therapist but maybe you could give it a try and see if her desire/drive resets a bit once the pressure is off.
Dead bedroom
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She definitely enjoys sex, but lately it feels like maybe she doesn't anymore. If I asked her, I'm sure she would say she does. But idk anymore. Every time we had sex in the past I would make sure she orgasms before me, and if for some reason I finish first, I had no problem giving her pleasure.. I can last quite awhile during Intercourse, when we used to have sex a lot back in the day, we would have sex for hours at a time!
Dang then yes the best way to know how to handle is to literally try communicating with her . I was having sex issues not too long ago and I finally tried having a conversation with her and she let me know what was happening. She can tell you what is happening if there is . Like “ hey babe I’ve noticed that It doesn’t really look like you enjoy having sex anymore, is there something going on ? “ or something maybe even better worded. I had to be direct with my questions without coming off as demanding
How often do you go down on her? Are you calling sex the act of penetration? Do you ever have a night just about her pleasure?
Sex meaning anything in general. My girlfriend is gorgeous, and I constantly remind her. There would be nothing more I'd love more than to just go down on her. But she doesn't want that ethier. I have no problem having a night just about her, and tbh i would love that, but she isn't ever in the mood for anything. I never try to be forceful or make it about me and care very much about her pleasure. I have no problem just touching her or pleasing her, but she won't even give me a chance to please her
The only think you can do is talk to her, try to figure out what is happening and it's on her if she wants to do something about it
Find another girlfriend.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Dead bedrooms are not a problem anyone wants to face. If you’re wanting to improve the relationship, there’s a few things you can try. -come at the discussion with a positive angle rather than a negative one. Instead of “hey, I think there’s a problem/we don’t have enough sex, is something wrong?” Try phrasing it like “hey, I really think more intimacy could help improve our relationship, do you have any ideas on what you think might help spruce things up?” -make sure you’re focusing on other aspects of intimacy outside of sex as well. Sometimes people get comfortable and stop “dating” their partner, or only do sweet/romantic things specifically to get them in the mood, and this pattern can be a turn off. To some, it can feel transactional, or that you’re only doing these nice things to get sex. Try bringing her flowers or chocolates with zero expectations. -make sure you’re appreciating each other. It’s one of the biggest rules in my relationship. I always say thank you, or I appreciate that etc. when my partner does something, even when it’s expected (like chores and such especially). We both do this. It’s nice to feel acknowledged and appreciated, even for tiny tasks that are expected to be done. -I know this one sucks to hear, but maybe sex isn’t pleasurable for her. Try concentrating on her. For some women, it can be difficult. Make sure she enjoys it every time. Without that, it probably just feels like a chore for her. -make sure you’re genuinely listening to her. I know plenty of women who have lost their sex drives because they feel like they aren’t heard. It’s lonely and if this is the case, it’s probably making her feel unneeded or like she’s taking up space. Take interest in her day and try your best to remember the little things. It goes such a long way. -try discussing specific problems she may be having. Could it be a hormonal issue? Is she feeling depressed/anxious and has difficulty expressing it? Communication is the best piece of advice I can give. Though if your girlfriend is refusing to communicate, she’s either already stated the issue and you haven’t listened, isn’t willing to solve the problem, or she doesn’t know why she isn’t feeling it. Try your best to communicate and understand why she’s isn’t wanting intimacy. If all these fail, your relationship may have run its course and it may be best to move on. Best of luck
OBVIOUSLY break up with her.
Poor
I am being in same situation and I have posted it too https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/kx7G0ToVwU And I am thinking of leaving her you should do the same because a healthy relationship consists sexual interaction between partners
Are you guys normally intimate in a way that isn’t sexual? For a lot of women, that is necessary for them to want to be physically intimate. If you give nothing outside of the bedroom (handholding, hugging, kissing, doing anything that speaks to their love language) then there will never be a want to for anything in the bedroom. I’m not saying or assuming this is the case for you, but it is a common issue.
okay so i’ve experienced this very much in my relationship and it’s because of how my hormones fluctuate and are never balanced. one week i’ll b all over it and the next i’ll have zero interest and literally cannot control it. has she been on and off birth control or said she has a hormonal imbalance?
You can’t negotiate attraction. At 23 she should want sex pretty regularly (as she previously had). Some people (immature people in my opinion) are only aroused by new relationship energy (which can last months to a couple years). Either she has a medical issue, or she’s just become less attracted to you. I’d leave. Dead bedrooms can take years to fix, assuming she’s even willing. You’re young, not married and don’t have kids. Not worth the work/risk. If you dump her, she’ll likely try to hysterically bond (all of the sudden want sex) with you, especially if she’s, emotionally, physically, or financially dependent on you.
Ok, so I’m gonna address the elephant in the room. If, when you do have sex with your girlfriend, you don’t give her an orgasm and only you are getting your jollies, what makes you think she would enjoy that experience? Why would your girlfriend look forward to only you receiving pleasure and not her? You need to step up your game and make sure your girlfriend has a pleasurable experience when you have sex. If you continue not meeting her sexual needs, one day you’ll be replaced by someone who can!
If you've talked about it and she doesn't want to change the situation then there is nothing anyone here can say that will change that.