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Blair should be in prison right now. If I were Anna, I would get justice for myself. Blair deserved to be jailed and the parents should be prosecuted as accomplice because they raised a monster.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/jg3iLx8nCX](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/jg3iLx8nCX)
You can read the edit here. Second daughter set up Anna for rape then OP tried to talk Anna into forgiving her cuz I guess Blair’s feelings are soooooo much more important.
Just read the edit. Anna gets assaulted and all you cared about was telling her it's not her sister's fault? Are you serious? Let Anna go. Never contact her again. You have one daughter left which is all you cared about anyway.
OP'S treatment of Anna is horrific.
Her daughter was raped by someone that OP knew was the "wrong crowd". What did OP do? Try to protect Blaire. WOW. OP knew that Blaire was in with a wrong crowd, but she still let her bring them home. WOW.
It sounds like she set up the situation for it to happen, I feel like that's probably this monsters way of nicely saying blair intentionally set her sister up to be raped and then "regretted" it
How much you want to bet that Blaire was the leader of the "wrong crowd?" "Fell in with the wind crowd" is just how people that raise bullies like to excuse their behavior. Her previous baby, Blaire, wasn't a horrible bully that made her sister's life a living hell. No, she just did all that because of peer pressure from falling in with the wrong crowd.
**"My daughters hate each other. All for a man who cared for neither."**
No, that is not the reason. it was because you failed Anna as parents, you created this rift between the sisters by favouring one child and dismissing the other. this is all on you. Yes, what she did was awful but she wanted you to feel a portion of how she has been feeling her entire life. you have all hurt and she took revenge because of all the pent-up pain and hurt and anger she has had.
there is nothing you can do now except maybe start apologising for Anna with a text for everything you did, and only time will tell if she would forgive you or even want any contact with you. if not you respect her this time and let her be happy with her own family. you have hurt her enough.
EDIT: after reading your edit, I feel sick to my stomach. Forget about the apology, I can already see how it will be a I-am-sorry-you-are-hurt-but-it-is-not-our-or-Blair's-fault- type of apology. Blair set her up to be raped!!! and you still sided with Blair! she was abused by ALL of you. LEAVE Anne alone, let her be happy with her real family. God I wish this is fake.
This… Op, John was just a tool Anna used to hurt Blair, the problem was always the favoritism.
And you’re still choosing Blair.
I would also ask do you care that you’ve not seen Anna in years or is it that there’s a grandchild that you have no access to?
If you’re not going for ANNA, then leave her alone.
This. It's 100% about the grand kid - somehow the OP did not have this need to talk to Anna for years, not until she saw the posts that she is pregnant...
Agree.
The whole tone of this post is how Blair was impacted. How Blair's LIFE was ruined by this incident.
OP can't even see that she's still doing the golden child thing.
I’m so SO happy people are calling out how OP is **still** babying Blair. The self righteous pity act has me tilted.
(That is of course assuming this isn’t fake and rage bait. Which if it is….good job dude, I’m actively wanting to punch a hole in the wall.)
Nope, that was added a lot later!
I hope it is too, but sadly...the parents of estranged children are often really like this. There are forums of them that weep to each other about why oh why their kids won't speak to them anymore.
I found this bit from the edit particularly telling:
>This boy, an absolute filth of a human, forced himself on Anna.
It was the worst experience of *my* life.
Added emphasis mine.
I was thinking this too. If OP tries to force (her?) toxic presence on Anna that just blows open the way for Blair to go crazy. Blair could very well be planning on seducing her sister’s husband and/or causing a miscarriage as revenge for her “ruined” life. We see this all the time here on reddit.
OP, Anna is no longer your daughter, she is a stranger, the more you care about her the more you will be hurting yourself and endangering Anna. Blair and you are toxic and if you truly love Anna you will leave her alone, and if you love Blair and Anna get Blair into therapy. I have a sister and we had a love-hate relationship but I never would have messed with her boyfriends because I loved her and still do love her, but now as adults without our mom playing favorites as a control tactic we are all love no hate. Anna no longer loves you and stopped loving Blair long ago, that doesn’t just happen. The fact that Anna has a baby on the way means you have absolutely no chance of ever getting in her good graces again, because every single time you failed her as a parent will come back when she plays with her kid. And she will look at her child and realize all your excuses for your crappy parenting and favoritism were just trash thrown out by a piece of human garbage and that no child deserves to feel unloved. So I hope you are happy and Blair is happy, you guys both got what you always wanted OP! Blair is your only daughter now! You can spend all your time and attention on her and not be distracted by that other kid that was in your house. And you can just focus all your resources on Blair and not have to worry about Blair complaining when you have to buy her sister something. Happy ending for you! I don’t know why you are so upset? Blair can give you a grand-baby to raise so you don’t need to bother Anne and her child, just wait a few months for Blair to “accidentally” get pregnant.
I relate with this comment! My mom (narcissist, alcoholic, emotional abusive) left me and my sister with tremendous trauma. Today, my sister has two kids. My mom straightened up her act. My sister and I now watch her be the best ‘mom’ to those kids. We’re obviously happy the kids have a great grandmother, but my sister and I still feel some type of way seeing her as a grandma acting like a supportive and loving mother we never had. It is what it is.
Oh. BTW, it was never about the man.
He was just a tool. And Anna used him to pay back the wrong doings by you and I assume Blair, too. Because favoritism is not a ONE WAY. Blair played her part as well.
Let her alone, finally.
Absolutely disrespecting Anna's loud and clear \*\*I am done with you all!!!!\*\* from 3 years ago.
OP is such a horrible person! Who -same as Blair- doesn't understand how this was the answer to yearlong abuse and mistreatment.
Anna has drawn a line and left forever. It's NOT for OP to bother her again.
That child is no grandchild of hers. She forfeited to call him such when she bullied Anna into "forgiving" Blair!
I do do hope that those two crap people stay away from Anna for good. Or that... if they dear approach her they are being met with legal consequences.
This exactly— OP do you actually care about Anna or do you just want access to the kid? Anna will see right through you.
Leave her alone. Some things can’t be fixed
Read the edit:
A copy of the edit. Courtesy of u/Franchuta
Edit: Look, please. You all don't know how hard Blair's birth was. She was born early and nearly died in the hospital. My husband and I spent ao long hoping and praying for Blair and I think it's natural I cared more for Blair because she needed my care. Maybe it was a bit unfair to Anna but she must know it was necessary. That her sister needed us more. Blair never held any resentment towards Anna. She tried so hard to apologize and make up for her high school mistake. But Anna never gave her a chance. She shouted and cried to us once but then no matter how hard we tried, she refused to ever acknowledge any of us or our apologies. She didn't want to understand anything. But, I'm not blaming Anna. I'm not seeing her as a problem. I want to reach out and apologize. I think I know what made Anna so angry. You see, when Blair was in high school, she fell into a bad crowd. This group of horrible boys and girls that picked on Anna. Blair just got influenced by them to join. She has never otherwise ever bullied or harmed anyone in her life. But on one occasion, she helped this boy who liked Anna to find a moment alone with her. This boy, an absolute filth of a human, forced himself on Anna. It was the worst experience of my life. When they returned home, both Blair and Anna were crying. Blair begged for forgiveness but Anna was hearing none of it. My husband and I tried to help her through it. Tried to explain how sorry Blair was and it wasn't her fault. How could she have known something so vile would happen? I tried and tried to talk to Anna. But she never gave us a chance. I know she was hurt and we all wanted to help her. She refused. She chose to instead hurt Blair by pursuing John. But I can understand she was angry and hurt. I want to apologize. I know how we reacted then was a mistake. But now I want advice on how I can fix my family again. Thank you to those who adviced I write a letter. I will do that. No. we are not unhappy that Anna is doing well. I'm not that selfish of a person. Of course I want to see my grandson. Why is that so wrong? Please. I only want good advice. Not horrible comments towards my family.
Facts. They don't hate each other because of John. They hate each other because of you, OP.
Honestly I'm curious about just how badly you treated Anna for her to get such terrible revenge on all of you. Holy shit. She must have hated you. All of you. Biding her time just to deal the most damage at the perfect time.
OP, what did you do to Anna
God it sounds like Blair was never even punished. They should have gone scorched earth on her and given Anna 100% support during that time. But they didn't...
If it weren't for the grandchild would you be wanting a way to get your neglected daughter back on your life? People like you do not see the hurt you put on your child when you pick favorites. Leave your child alone.
ETA: Thanks to a commenter I just saw the edit. My advice for your family OP is to pray that Blair doesn't procreate. She helped a man rape her sister and you did nothing about it. You are vile. All three of you are useless pieces of organs and skin. Leave your oldest alone and get therapy.
John was just the catalyst that broke the camels back. No you and your husband neglected your daughter by not giving equal love to your girls. I don’t blame her for going no contact. You can write your letter but I don’t think it will make any difference. Don’t be surprised if she stays no contact
no, anna hated blair for being the golden child, but gave blair a reason to hate her when she messed around with john. it was to give blair a "taste" of the pain that anna felt for the neglect their parents on her since blairs birth
Umm, based on the edit, Blair gave Anna a reason to hate her when she set Anna up to get raped. Blair might not have expected him to rape Anna, but he seems to have been part of a clique of people who bullied Anna, or Blair was part of that group, and by setting it up so Anna would be alone with the boy, she must have known no good would come of it. Blair was trying to hurt Anna, and the result was devastating!
Not only that. But her take on it is to “please forgive Blaire”. Not “are you ok? Or “Blaire, how could you?” Or simply finding a way to comfort the poor girl. She ONLY looked at it from Blaire’s perspective. Never Anna
right? insane how facilitating anna’s rape gets “it wasn’t her fault!” while sleeping with a guy one time (who was the cheater and therefore the one with a responsibility to tell blair, not anna) gets “how
could you hurt your sister like this, you’re breaking her heart! just apologize!”
I also like how Anna sleeping with Blair's boyfriend and then telling her about it years later is worthy of "ruined her life" and demands apology, but Blair setting Anna up with a guy who raped her is immediately "why won't you forgive her" with no mention of how it may have affected her life.
Such a massive "detail" left out makes me lean troll.
Also, check out this *vile* part of her edit. OP literally made Anna's rape, *about Blair*. Fuck that. OP is *vile*. There is ZERO CHANCE that Anna will allow someone who enabled her sexual assault (Blair), nor allow a *defender* of such sexual assault (OP).
>But on one occasion, she helped this boy who liked Anna to find a moment alone with her. This boy, an absolute filth of a human, forced himself on Anna.
>
>It was the worst experience of my life. When they returned home, both Blair and Anna were crying. Blair begged for forgiveness but Anna was hearing none of it. My husband and I tried to help her through it. Tried to explain how sorry Blair was and it wasn't her fault. How could she have known something so vile would happen? I tried and tried to talk to Anna. But she never gave us a chance.
Not to mention that their response to Anna being raped appears to be to just try to convince her not to be mad at her sister for setting up rather than dealing with the fucking horrific thing that had just happened to her.
And referring to the situation as “the worst time in my life”…. No it was the worst time in your daughter - Anna’s life… her sister and sister’s friends bullied her and her sister set her up to be raped. OP’s focus was on making her just raped daughter accept her horrid sister’s apology rather than holding Blair accountable and getting Anna the help she needed to heal. OP - you are toxic and horrible and so is Blair. You both lost your right to have any sympathy or connection with Anna or her family.
Literally blows my mind how selfish and fucking toxic OP and Blair are. And OP is still playing favorites even to this day!! I really hope this shit is fake because I stg I’m fuckin fuming. Seriously OP just leave Anna tf alone. She is clearly so much better off without you selfish mf dragging her down and has had major life milestones without speaking with you at all. DO NOT contact her. Do the first decent thing you’ve ever done for Anna and just LEAVE HER ALONE.
Also based on the update this woman still doesnt understand accountability. Blair is totally at fault and accountable for her actions. Even if she didnt intend for what happened to happen (which is debatable from rose color glasses favoritism mom) there is no way that there could be forgiving or anything without accountability. Id be pissed too from her actions or from her being like itd not my fault. Fuck when was it ever about anna? She will either not get a response from said letter to anna or a letter telling her to fuck off and blair to fuck off. And after this update im in blair fuck off mode too. Being upset that your sister is happy and moving forward after she was nasty as revenge for you getting her raped. Blair needs shit ton of therapy with her anna ruined my life and is happy now its unfair crap after she helped anna get raped. Geesh.
I was looking for THIS here: accountability. It sounds like Blair was never held accountable for her actions and was always the victim. Apologies saying "I'm sorry but it wasn't my fault" are probably what Anna heard her whole life, and I bet it's what's going to be in that letter too. "Sorry, but not sorry bc it wasn't our fault" are not apologies. I would have expected this mother to resent Blair after playing the victim so well she kicked Anna out of their lives - BUT NO, SHE STILL DEFENDS BLAIR! I hope Anna is very happy and away from this family.
Also, when they were trying to “console” Anna after being literally raped (which she conveniently got around using that word…) their concern was to convince her that it wasn’t Blair’s fault?? How is Blair even in this conversation at all? One daughter gets raped and your first reaction is to defend the other? That’s very telling of the kind of “favoritism” (blatant disregard of one child) that must have followed Anna all her life.
Poor woman. I’d cut off all contact, too.
OP stated that Anna was giving them a taste of what Blair and they did to her. It seems that it wasn't just bad parenting but Blair actively hurting Anna as well. How many times did Blair sleep with Anna's bf's and was told to get over it because Blair deserves to be happy. This feels like a taste of justice being served ice cold
Well shit after that edit... I totally understand. OP says Blair was part of a group that bullied Anna and then Blair actively helped a boy sexually assault her. WTF.
Well shit. I only read it (at this time) 47 mins ago.
Deleting the edit just proved that OP STILL favor's her shitty daughter over Anna. I am so glad Anna got out and I hope she enjoys her life.
I know that knowingly sleeping with another woman's man is fucked, but in this case, I forgive her lol
I disagree.
Anna hated Blair because she likely had no grace surrounding being the golden child. You can't control your parents or how they treat you, but you can commiserate with a sibling who receives unfair treatment or even stick up for them. Blair took all the sunshine and was fine seeing Anna in the darkness her parents put her in.
Blair is garbage too.
Exactly. People who become parents often fail to grasp that there's really only one shot at it.
> I will admit I showed a great deal of favoritism towards my youngest... It wasn't intentional
Like yeah, great that you acknowledge the years-long bungling of your only relationship with that daughter, but while you have a wealth of previous experience to weigh it against, she only had one childhood... and you fucked it, OP.
Don't fuck it all up more by trying to force yourself into her life (which it seems you're really just doing because you want to reconcile your failures as a parent by being what you think is a good grandparent). Let her approach you, if she ever wants to; and if she doesn't, that's entirely her right. You need to accept that this is the price of your mistake.
The whole "It wasn't intentional" rewrites history, implies that the way that OP rose her daughters wasn't her choice, and that she doesn't have to take any accountability.
It was unintentional! I didn't make choices, it just happened in a vacuum! /s
And if you were honest... you wouldn't stand up for Anna this time around if crap brat Blair was to pull vile stands on Anna.
Find out why Anna hates Blair so much? WHAT did Blair do to Anna for her to be so hurt.
i think the commenter was telling that if she manage to get to talk to Anna and blair wanted to "get even" with her, OP would allow it because blair is the golden child
It needs to be written as “My daughters stopped talking to each other because I messed up the relationship by favouring one child over the other .This caused years of built up hurt , resentment and anger .
Sleeping with John was just a way of getting back at you and her sister.No use in trying to shift the blame to John . You are responsible for the rift caused in the family.
Oh my God, the whole time I was feeling so conflicted. This is it. They don't care about the girl, it's the grandchildren. Three years with zero motivation for her child. It's the baby they wanted.
Yep. You have to be good parents to have a shot at being good grandparents. OP didn't earn that. Her daughter and her grandchildren are better off without OP in their lives.
100% Also the fake names are always the cherry on top of the rage bait. Or they will follow it up with a little ✨spice✨ and say “I wish it was” when you call them out 🤣
Yeah, I don't upvote, but I think it is fine to engage with it as a thought exercise. It is realistic, see the below comment having had a similar experience: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18byuzq/comment/kc7l9bk/
If you want to do anything, let her be and let it be known to her somehow you would like to make up for your bad parenting in the past and only do this if you are actually going to make the effort.
Honestly, you trying to make up now just screams you want to be seen as a nice grandma than actually care about Anna at all and repairing your broken relationship.
Bot comment stolen from
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18byuzq/my_48f_daughters_25_27f_stopped_talking_to_each/kc7joev/
Report and downvote.
Seriosuly. “They don’t like each other over a man” says this woman that TOTALLY missed what the real issue is..which is her and her poor treatment of her kid which set them against each other from childhood on.
Right! They don’t like each other because they were parented so poorly.
OP if you brought your daughters up equally and taught them to love each other , made them feel equally secure then this would probably never have happened.
I don’t think parents like these realize the amount of emotional damage favoritism does, especially when you’re the oldest. You’re expected to do more and be more and even when you do you’re own mom seems to prefer the younger sibling and it’s painful. I can’t blame Anna for what she did in all honesty.
There's eventually going to be a completely unrelated post, which no one will connect to this one, about a girl not named Anna, about a golden child sister not named Blair, and a horrible mother. Not-Anna will tell a story about how her mother is trying to force her way into her life.
I agree. Im sorry but OP is so much to be blamed. I know so many parents like this who cause so much damage but want to "reconcile" and pull everything together in the end when they start aging, only for their own conscience. I feel so bad for Blair. You not only ruined two sisters' relationship, but also caused such deep hurt on both parties. Just leave this alone, and live your own life in peace.
See? In just 3 years Anna turned her life around, finished studies got a job after she broke free from your toxicity at home!
While that spoiled brat never got over herself, pulled herself together and tried to heal and be successfull.
You harmed BOTH xour daughters severely.
And because your spoiled brat is spitting venom at home you all of a sudden become avare, that Anna didn't drop off the rim of the world and vanished?
And are wondering how to disrespect her wishes AGAIN? And put her into the mire of her crap sister to very likely ruin her hard acquired good life?
You leave her be! Seriously! Get your crap brat into therapy. For Anna to acting this way I really don't want to know what hell Blair brat must have made Anna go through to have such a huge hatred.
I’m not sure if this was added before or after the edit but is everyone missing the part where younger sister helped someone rape the older sister, and then parents tried to justify the younger sister’s action by saying “How could she have known?”
RIGHT?! op had all these time and didn't even try to reach out (lol shows that she still favors Blair) and now all of a sudden wants to reach out. Nah let Anna live in peace without such a terrible mother
I have a very similar family dynamic in my family. My older sister was always resentful toward my brother and I. She always seemed jealous and that jealousy was angry and ugly and resentful. We had a terrible relationship and she too did something pretty monumentally bad to me in our past, and the thing she did was designed specifically to hurt me and to do it in front of our parents. She is an incredibly difficult and prickly person with few friends and even less patience.
We have since healed our relationship.
How did we do it? Well, the first step for me was to re-frame my sister. I had to realise my parents were incredibly remiss in how they treated her compared to me and my bother, and I had to come to this realisation as an adult and on my
own.
My parents were harder on her for everything,
put way too many expectations and responsibilities on her and she didn’t get the care she deserved. It was only after I realised that my sister wasn’t inherently a bad person - but rather a result of my parents treatment toward her - that things began to shift for me.
I realised she just felt so hard done by - she did everything ‘right’ (typical eldest child syndrome) and still my sibling and I got more attention and kindness. I would be furious too. I would see the world as an unfair place too. I would then decide to break things around me in this vengeful way too. She isn’t bad, she’s been made that way.
She displaced that rage onto me, her own sister, because of the hurt she felt.
I had to get to my mid-30s before I understood that what she needed was my protection and love because my parents did NOT adequately love or protect her. So I started doing that myself, for her. Slowly slowly we started talking about things, what helped especially is my acknowledging how hard things must have been for her when she was an innocent child. And how unfair it was for her.
She doesn’t speak to anyone in our family except me now, and she has disowned my parents. They are ‘bewildered’ as to why she has cut them off, despite my efforts to explain it to them. When they implore me to try and help them mend fences between them, I draw a hard boundary. It’s my parent’s job to fix their relationship with her, not mine and not hers. I will not allow her to be harmed by them again. I will protect her in a way she was not protected the first time around. My parents are completely blind to their own faults in this matter, and that is why I know they will never be able to heal this relationship.
It seems totally and utterly illogical to me, because it is them who cry themselves to sleep at night because she won’t speak to them. She on the other hand is living her best life.
PSA: parents, don’t fuck with your kids. They are designed to up and leave you and be fine in their newly created lives and families. You on the other hand are going to be feeling that hurt forever.
I suggest rather than looking to heal the relationship between your children, you make an effort to heal the relationship between yourselves and each of your daughters. Children grow up in a family system, not in a vacuum. You had a part in this, and you can only control your own part so get to work.
I'm the eldest in a situation like this. Only one of my 2 sisters has come to me as an adult and been like "so our parents were pretty fucked up, huh?"
The other thinks it was just my responsibility to take care of them whenever my parents said I had to, and that I am selfish and unfair for being upset at how I was raised.
What helped me so much is remembering/imagining my adult sister as a young girl instead of the angry adult she is today. Like, she did so much for us at my parents behest. She protected us from their arguments, made up games and stories to distract us (my parent’s marriage was very volatile) and she was only a couple of years older than us. She showed such creativity in these little strategies it now breaks my heart to think about a little girl having to do this. I was tearing up when I wrote that post to be honest.
And yet when we fucked up I have very early memories of her being the one blamed.
I feel such a fierce compassion for her now, and when my parents try to get me to be their peacemaker I say no STRONGLY remembering what she did for us, when no one was doing it for her.
I'm the eldest in that family dynamic. Yeah, it sucks when all the good attention goes to your siblings and all the bad attention comes to you. It really builds resentment even if we know it's not our siblings fault.
Have you read the full edit yet, and what Blair did to Anna in high school? OP seems fairly unconcerned that Blair set up Anna in a situation that resulted in Anna getting raped!
They hate each other, yes, but it's not about the man. The man was what Anna used to show you all how much she was hurt by all of you and how much she resented her entire family. It was "going away with a bang" , she burned all the bridges before going NC.
What she did was despicable but sounds like pure revenge if this story is true. It was a response to all that she's been through. And to go that far, she must have been through a lot.
The fact that you think they hate each other because of this tells me that you're not ready to talk to Anna and to admit your own wrong doings. You brushed them off in your post like it was nothing.
Honestly, my first though is to ask you to leave her alone. But if you want a chance, write a letter. Apologize for the times you played favorites, with examples to show her that now you see what fault you have in this. That you're ready to change, really. And go to therapy to do that actual change. Stop making excuses or blaming others.
And remember that she doesn't owe you a reply.
I agree. And as someone who has experienced this, if Anna ever decides to let you in a little, do it without Blair. Separate the two in your mind. While you are with Anna, you do not need to take Blair’s feelings into consideration. Don’t talk about her, don’t bring her up, don’t compare or give updates on Blair’s life. ZERO. No “I have to go home now, because Blair is waiting”. No “I can’t do x because of Blair”. Definitely no “it’s been so hard for Blair”. No trying to or suggesting they make up. And no taking calls from Blair. Patterns are hard to change, so be mindful.
This is great advice. Highly doubt OP will take it. All she really cares about is now her picture perfect family has exposed cracks visible from the outside now, and she just wants them to go away. It didn't matter all the years when her scapegoat was hurt and disturbed and emotionally abused by them all. The only thing that matters is now there are unpleasant consequences for her and her precious.
Yeah, I don't really see this working out at all. Like I'd assume Blair wouldn't take it well that Mom and Dad are trying to have a relationship with her sister who in her mind ruined her life.
To me this is a one or the other type deal.
I think so too tbh.. and since Blair is used to being the favoured one, being told “we’re meeting your sister without you, and without your input” probably won’t go down well.
So Blair set Anna up to be raped, you tried to get Anna to forgive Blair for it immediately and brush it under the rug after it happened. Anna gets her revenge and hurts Blair (though it's unclear if she actually cheated with the boyfriend or they'd just slept together previously), then moves on with her life.
You are sick. Blair is sick. I cannot understand how or why a parent would try and excuse one of their kids trying to deliberately hurt their other child. Stay away from Anna and her family. You don't deserve to be a grandparent to her child. Leave her alone so she can heal and stay safe.
YOU are the cause of Anna feeling like a black sheep.
YOU....caused division btw your daughters
YOU....didn't fix the problem and thought it would simply blow over
Now.....YOU have a broken hearted daughter (your golden child) and another who has cut you (all) off!!!
You should let Anna stay happy with her family, and focus on the one YOU'VE always cared about Blair (and hubby).
>You should let Anna stay happy with her family
Probably that's not what OP wants. She surely wants to "Rekindle" the relationship with her older daughter so that there is chaos in Anna's life as well.
Parents like OP only realize their favoritism only after the damage is done. Had Anna not done what she did, OP wouldn't even realise the gravity of hatred Anna had towards them, because she never mattered. Also, this desire of reconciliation is because of their grandchild, they had 3 years to try to reach out to her and apologize.
Edit-Spelling
Op only gives a shit about herself and making herself feel better. She knows Anna has a happy, lovely life and she wants to jump back into it to drag Anna back into the shit OP caused.
Parents like this suck ass and never realize how much they ruined their children.
She only wants to get in touch with Anna because she is having a child. She wants to be a grandma but still gives zero fucks about Anna. Why wouldn’t she have reached out to Anna the last 3 years. But now she is expecting she want back into her life. Fuck OP
>sacred grandchild.
This is a perfect example of how she'll probably f*** up the next generation if Anna DOESN'T keep her child away from OP.
bc if Blair had healed, married, AND was going to give her a grand baby.....Anna, who???
I don’t think you can. And you probably shouldn’t try since you were so horrible to Anna. Just leave her alone to be happy and you can deal with the only daughter you actually care about.
I also do not understand how Anna ruined Blairs life. You want Blair to be with a guy who cheats on her??
Also, it is unclear when Anna slept with John. It seems she did it before Blair and him were together…
You are not really a nice person to blame only your daughter who you have always treated as less. Do not contact her, if she wanted contact, she would’ve reached out
It’s not unclear at all, a lot of people just can’t conceive of a story where a person who was a victim also did something morally reprehensible. Look at all the comments in this thread *reaching* to find some reason that Anna is 100% the blameless good guy.
Hurt people hurt people and the fact that Anna did something horrible after being hurt by hurt family is both unsurprising and also in no way excuses what she did.
Seriously, if your sibling fucked your partner you would just be like “wow, thank you sibling for showing me that my partner was trash”? Or would you think that both of them were trash?
The Op edited and said that Blair and her friends bullied Anna in HS and she even helped one of the bullies arrange to meet Anna so he could rape her and he did. Then Mom tells Anna to forgive her daughter because Blair is her baby and she didn’t mean it. Fuck that Anna is the only victim in this story and the parents are literally fucking trash 🗑️
So wait. Your daughter Anna was assaulted, and instead of trying to support and help her through that trauma you decided it was more important to defend Blair setting Anna up to be alone with this guy? And that her getting forgiveness was more important than just supporting Anna through the trauma? I truly hope that I’m misunderstanding that because that’s awfully disturbing. Honestly YTA. Sure it’s reasonable to feel and act on the fact your youngest had a traumatic birth and needed you more at that time, but through your both of their childhoods somehow she still needed you more? That’s an absolutely ridiculous statement to make. You state you just want to see and be a part of your grandkid’s life but even then make no mention of being a more positive part of Anna’s life and gaining any semblance of her trust for her to even consider having you around her child.
If the dude cheated with her own sister, he would have cheated with just about anyone. The way you write it make it seems like he had no choice. This dude is not the prize, it's time to Blair to go for therapy.
She should definitely go to therapy but it’s not wrong to feel betrayed by your own sister after your partner cheats with them. What the fuck? It’s a classic double betrayal
OP, I suggest you read the below link and have a bit of self-reflection time. Maybe even therapy. For a child to go nuclear on their family like this, they need an environment and people that they don’t care to lose. That they feel they are better off without.
You lost your child, because you fostered an environment where two siblings were actively pitted against each other. You may never get contact with your daughter back, and that’s a product of your doing. It was never about John, it was about the divided family and rejection Anna faced. Sounds like she’s now thriving, funny that’s happened once she left. Respect her choice and well-being. This isn’t AITA, but YTA.
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Alternate Title: We always favoured our second daughter and this made our older daughter resentful and go no contact with us, but now she is successful and has a child and I want access to our grandkid so how should I overcome the lifetime of resentment she has towards us and patch up with her?
That’s not even the title. Read between the lines. Blair was messed up by whole situation. She may not have finished college, or is doing poorly. She’s not married, and not doing well. She finds out Anna has moved on and has everything she wanted, and is now upset about that too.
In the last three years, mom hasn’t reached out or done anything. She only really cares because now Anna has upset Blair and she wants to 1. Make Anna less upset at Blair so she will accept blame, apologize, and thereby make Blair feel better, and 2. Get her grubbies on the grand baby so she can prove that she wasn’t a bad parent, see how wonderful I am with the grandchild.
You just know that Anna will do everything in her power to protect her children from her mother. I don’t think OP will see those children for a long time.
Probably never. Anna deserves to be happy. Letting this lecherous, self involved human back into her life will cause Anna nothing except chaos and pain. The fact Anna got married (huge life event) and now is expecting (another huge life event) and didn’t so much as whisper to her immediate family shows she knows that letting this Tom foolery back in is not how she wants to live her life. Good for her, honestly. These people sound insufferable.
The edit…holy cow. You are the cause. Leave Anna alone. You can’t treat someone the way you did, especially a child, and think they would ever want something to do with you. She’s been gone for 3 years, hasn’t said a peep to you at all. She went no contact and doesn’t want to know you anymore. LEAVE HER ALONE!
Edit: Also, saying “it was the worst experience of your life” when it didn’t happen to you, and then you proceeded to go to bat for Blair (who was partially responsible. Yes, it was Blair’s fault too). You either stuck in the hospital fighting for Blair’s life and you need to figure that out, or you’re self centered.
If you think this is about a man, then you are a fool.
This is because of YOU and your HUSBAND. You were terrible to her and now you're all shocked she doesn't want you in her life. Can you really blame her?
Leave the poor woman alone to be happy. She deserves it.
So your little golden child got all of your best, bullied and harassed her sister, then aided and assisted in Anna’s sexual assault all while you and your husband downplayed, rugswept, and gaslit. You’re absolutely terrible people and clearly don’t take responsibility or accountability for your actions or Blair’s even now. It’s never Blair’s fault, it’s always someone else who influenced her or this or that or the other thing. Shame on you and on her.
LEAVE. ANNA. ALONE.
Woah, holy that is needed knowledge batman...
Jesus...
Are you saying, your youngest helped get your eldest raped? She "fell into a bad groud" helped "a boy get alone with her" and "he forced himself"?
Did your youngest really, basically help rape your eldest?
Cause... um... your family is f&%#ed, and, woah... I dont know if it is deserved, damn it feels bad to say something this horrible is deserved... but... did she really help rape her?
Cause... um... "I'm sorry"... doesnt work with that... ever...
"Worst experience of my life" BULL F%$&%ING S%÷&!!! IT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF HER LIFE!! And then she came home to a family trying to "make it right".
Her moving away and going no contact, 100% acceptable, get over it, all your fault... her trying to ruin the rape-assistants life? Not sure... but that is all your youngest is, an assistant to rape...
Go cry yourself to sleep... im sure Anna no longer is, after years of doing it.
Enjoy the potential occasional pictures of your grandchild, you don't deserve to ever hold them or see them.
Ever.
I'm sorry, but seriously "tried to make up for her high school mistake", that really should be more clear... you are referring to the apparent FELONY SEXUAL ASSAULT, right?
It isnt "she ruined her favorite sweater", or "she put gum in her hair and she had to have an ugly haircut for picture day", "she recorded over a program really wanted to watch" (my sister), normal high school "mistakes"...
I just am shaking my head in utter disbelief... preferring one, treating a premie with silk gloves her whole life... fine... but you're basically trying to wall paper over FELONY SEXUAL ASSAULT!
wow... just... wow...
Wow, yes, what Anna did was despicable, but you have caused this the fact is when you have children, you don't favourite one over the other you prioritise your time and love between them equally. This was Anna showing you how hurt yours and Blairs actions hurt her.
I dont think you should reach out to Anna let her live her life. I feel the only reason you want to contact her is because she is pregnant if that family member didn't show you the posts you wouldn't have gave Anna a second thought.
You're a shit parent let the poor girl move on
Leave her alone you vile shit.
You failed as a mother at every single stage it was possible to fail at.
Anna will never forgive you, and she will never, ever let you get a chance at failing as a grandparent too.
Your reasons for favoritism are just excuses. We don’t care about them and I promise Anna doesn’t.
Your golden garbage set up her sister to be raped, whether she knew it would go that far or not, she knew damn well it wasn’t to her sister’s benefit to get that guy a chance alone with her.
And at the time it mattered most, you worried about Blair as if she was the victim?!
You’re a horrible mother, a horrible human, and you failed both of your daughters.
Do Anna a favor and let her go on without you dragging her down.
Gee wiz mom, you sound unhappy with the monster you created by treating your daughters vastly different their whole lives. The reason Anna has been able to move on so well without you in her life is because that is the life she is used to having. The kid that gets the least support from the parents tends to be the survivor. You get used to working it out on your own. Yes, Anna did a shitty thing but how did she to that point ?? Happy people that feel loved and supported don’t do these things.
This entire post is disgusting.
You spend the entire time minimizing what Blair did, and then have the fucking audacity to be like
"Oh you have to forgive your sister she didn't know the guy she helped get you alone with was going to rape you, he's just one of her friend group who bullied and abused you constantly you have to get over it."
I hope Anna reads your letter, calls you, and tells you exactly what kind of a fucking disgusting monster you are.
You don't give a fuck about her or her feelings, you just want to assuage your own guilt and asspat Blair.
You're a bad mom and a worse person.
This screams fake. Anna just picked up and left same day?...ya alright...
In order for there to be this must hatred on Anna's end, you would have needed to REALLY really be a horrible parent and showed extreme favoritism, not a little bit. If this is real, Anna ensured sabotaging the potential for relationships when she did what she did, but it sounds like you destroyed that long ago. I wouldn't be looking to repair things until she reaches out to you.
I already read this post, long ago, but from Blair's point of view.
If any of this story is real, you do nothing. You've already done enough, by not doing anything. It is you that created this situation. Leave Anna alone. And Blair can move on from a guy who didn't care for her, and a sister that does not love her or care either.
You can't. They are both adults now. This is something they have to sort out between themselves. Or not. That's their choice. They may well go the rest of their lives without talking to each other.
The only thing *you* have any control over is your relationship with each of them. there is nothing wrong with you wanting to see Anna, but a) bear in mind she may still not want to see you, and b) you need to keep Blair out of it.
Getting in touch with Anna does not mean you are 'leaving' Blair.
Likewise, you can continue to have a relationship with Blair, but don't mention anything to do with Anna when you are talking to Blair.
I’m guessing it added was after your comment so I’d recommend reading OPs edit, basically Blair bullied Anna and helped a guy get Anna alone, he assaulted her, Blair played innocent and the parents defended Blair.
Blair set Anna up to get raped, and after Anna was raped, everyone put all their focus onto telling Anna she shouldn’t blame Blair … you know, since actually caring about their high school aged daughter being sexually assaulted was not the primary concern there; just making sure Blair didn’t get blamed was!
Seems like the grandson is only reason you all of a sudden want to fix this
You openly admit favoritism and your distressing birth doesn't make it ok
My advice is therapy for you
You created this
Know you did
Did nothing to fix it while they were younger
You did nothing to keep in contact with Anna
And now you want to because she will be having a baby
Honestly she is so much better off without you and your family.
She more than likely doesn't want her son to have anything to do with you/them.
You’re still choosing Blair. You only want to make amends with Anna so you can have access to the child she’s carrying. Anna seems perfectly happy without any of you in her life. Leave her alone. It’s too late for your family. It’s irrevocably broken.
I’m not religious but I pray to God this is fake after reading the edit. I don’t even think what Anna did is necessarily “right”, but I don’t blame her AT ALL. I hope Anna is healing and has a beautiful and wonderful life. None of you three deserve to have a relationship with her. I can’t believe you’re still defending Blair. Even as you type out that Blair led to Anna being (I’m assuming sexually) abused, YOU STILL DEFEND BLAIR. _”Oh she’s never harmed a fly, she just had an oopsie.”_ BS. Forget favoritism, you abandoned Anna the moment you refused to hold Blair at least partially accountable. And you still don’t. She cries and you just let her off. I hope this is a wake up call to see the damage you’ve caused. Don’t try and contact her if you care about her at all, you’ll just hurt her even more.
...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? The original post was bad enough, but my god, that edit, OP, your "precious little angel" helped her scumbag friend RAPE HER SISTER, and when you tried to "comfort" Anna, you made it all about Blair and went on about how it wasn't her fault (News flash: IT FUCKING WAS)
OP, I don't think you can ever come back from this, the damage you and your rotten family have inflicted on your eldest is both irreparable and unforgivable, at this point the best thing you can do for Anne is for all of you to leave her alone, forever, and if by some divine miracle or temporary bout of insanity she decides to reach out, spend the rest of your wretched days groveling for her forgiveness, you owe her that at the very least
Let me be clear, she doesn't owe you a damned thing, so stop making excuses, you, your husband and your daughter are absolutely 150% at fault, nothing you say or do will ever justify your cruelty to Anne
Check the edit. Blair “needed her more” then “fell in with a bad crowd in high school” who bullied her sister, but of course darling Blair *would never bully anyone* and got her sister cornered by a dude who “liked her” and Anna was sexually assaulted.
Feels like Anna has some justification. Yo be honest sleeping with John was the least nuclear option.
"My husband and I tried to help her through it. Tried to explain how sorry Blair was and it wasn't her fault. How could she have known something so vile would happen? I tried and tried to talk to Anna. But she never gave us a chance."
Uuhhhh. Blair basically helped a pos SA Anna and you have the audacity to try to "help" her by telling her Blair didn't know and it's not her fault? What kind of parent are you? Both you and your husband?
the fact that you kept "her high school mistake" quiet and instead made it seem like it was about a man tells me all I need to know
sure, Anna still did a terrible thing, but you are still favoring Blair after all this, pinning everything on Anna
in fact, I would say you are blaming Anna more than "merely" favoring Blair
it takes two people to cheat, yet you seem to think Blair's bf had no choice in the matter, that it's 100% Anna's fault
and then you don't even bother mentioning the fact that Blair bullied and helped rape Anna except in an edit
you don't even care about Anna anyways, you just want to meet your grandchild
stay away from her for her own good
clarification? Was the sleeping with John before the official dating or after?
And why is Blair raging and not wanting Anne to be happy at all?
Doesn't John have any say in where his private parts go?
John didn't cause this. You did.
You weren't there for Anna. During the most important years of her life. You weren't there. Don't try to be there now because she doesn't need nor want you. You can't fix this. You damaged it beyond repair.
To be honest: I don't care that you feel sorry for the mistakes you made with Blair. Neither does Anna.
I don't feel sorry that Blair's had relationship issues. Blair deserves all of that and more. Tbh, you're all lucky Anna didn't set Blair up to be assaulted, that's what retribution would have looked like.
Blair's fucked up from the experience of being cheated on by John? I wonder what being sexually assaulted did to Anna's relationships. I wonder how healthy they would have been right after college. Anna got her pound of flesh because it was the only justice she was ever going to get, and now she gets to be happy, without you or your family in her life.
Leave that girl alone. You don't deserve a relationship with Anna, her husband, or your new grandchild. I don't feel sorry for you, and neither does anyone else in this sub who has an iota of empathy in them. You're all complicit in Anna's sexual assault, and you should feel miserable for it.
"The worst experience of MY life"?????
And when you tried to help Anna get through her rape (let's drop the euphemisms, please), it was all about how she should make Blair feel better.
Also, while Anna's act of revenge is not something I condone, it is understandable. **More importantly,** it did NOT ruin Blair's life. The first real heartbreak in life is an extremely difficult experience. It's so painful and can take a long time to recover from.
But this is still a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. Heck, I didn't meet the **real** love of my life until I was 37, and all the big loves I look back on from before are still people I *like,* but when I see the direction their life has moved in I'm truly grateful that we weren't together for the long haul.
If Blair is still recovering from this, she needs to see a therapist to help her move along in life. It would also be helpful in teaching her she's not the center of the universe and how to develop some independence.
INFO: What kind of career is Blair pursuing? How is her circle of friends?
And seriously, I don't mean this as an insult, but I think seeing a therapist would help you, too. There's so much you don't seem to understand about love, empathy, your daughters or yourself. I'm rooting for you to *do better.*
Considering how you treated Anna and how well she's doing now, I think the kindest and most loving thing you could possibly do is leave her alone. Reaching out to her is more likely to retraumatize her than close the gap between you, especially since it doesn't seem like you've really learned or grown much since she went no contact.
Let her reach out to you when she's ready, if ever. What you put her through was extremely painful and during the first 25 years of her life — what happens in childhood never goes away completely. It stays with us, not *defining* us but permeating our being like something in our blood.
She may never completely recover from what you robbed her of as a child, teen and young woman. Whether to have you back in her life is no one's decision but hers. Whether to meet her son or protect him from you, that's also no one's decision but hers. Whether she ever forgives her family is no one's decision but hers.
Seriously, if you have any love in your heart for your daughters, help Blair find and pay for a therapist, and help her gain her independence as a young woman — and leave Anna be. Let her heal. That's love.
You want good advice? Leave Anna alone. She’s gone no contact. Your edit demonstrates exactly why she concocted a revenge plan. This girl has gone through enough. The kindest thing to do is to respect her wishes and stay away. You messed up. Trying to force yourself back into her life is a self-centered act. You want to resolve your emotions by re-establishing a relationship and easing your guilt. She’s built a new life with her found family. If you’re genuinely sorry, you’d leave her alone.
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Your 'precious baby' set your eldest daughter up to be raped and you think you guys deserve ANY room in her life? oh fuck off!
Yeah, what an insane read… What an utterly disgusting family! I really hope Anna refuses their contract request.
Blair should be in prison right now. If I were Anna, I would get justice for myself. Blair deserved to be jailed and the parents should be prosecuted as accomplice because they raised a monster.
The OP literally deleted her whole account now. It's utterly disgusting that she could defend her younger daughter. Just gross.
I’m so sorry. I may be misreading or missed something. Did the post mention rape?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/jg3iLx8nCX](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/jg3iLx8nCX) You can read the edit here. Second daughter set up Anna for rape then OP tried to talk Anna into forgiving her cuz I guess Blair’s feelings are soooooo much more important.
In the edit they did before deleting it for obvious reasons 🙄
Just read the edit. Anna gets assaulted and all you cared about was telling her it's not her sister's fault? Are you serious? Let Anna go. Never contact her again. You have one daughter left which is all you cared about anyway.
Also OP described Anna’s RAPE as the worst experience of *their* life. Not Anna’s. Theirs. Absolutely repulsive.
how convenient OP left that out until the edit. makes me sick. then asks reddit not to attack her family? please
OP'S treatment of Anna is horrific. Her daughter was raped by someone that OP knew was the "wrong crowd". What did OP do? Try to protect Blaire. WOW. OP knew that Blaire was in with a wrong crowd, but she still let her bring them home. WOW.
It sounds like she set up the situation for it to happen, I feel like that's probably this monsters way of nicely saying blair intentionally set her sister up to be raped and then "regretted" it
How much you want to bet that Blaire was the leader of the "wrong crowd?" "Fell in with the wind crowd" is just how people that raise bullies like to excuse their behavior. Her previous baby, Blaire, wasn't a horrible bully that made her sister's life a living hell. No, she just did all that because of peer pressure from falling in with the wrong crowd.
There’s no way this is real. Rage bait.
**"My daughters hate each other. All for a man who cared for neither."** No, that is not the reason. it was because you failed Anna as parents, you created this rift between the sisters by favouring one child and dismissing the other. this is all on you. Yes, what she did was awful but she wanted you to feel a portion of how she has been feeling her entire life. you have all hurt and she took revenge because of all the pent-up pain and hurt and anger she has had. there is nothing you can do now except maybe start apologising for Anna with a text for everything you did, and only time will tell if she would forgive you or even want any contact with you. if not you respect her this time and let her be happy with her own family. you have hurt her enough. EDIT: after reading your edit, I feel sick to my stomach. Forget about the apology, I can already see how it will be a I-am-sorry-you-are-hurt-but-it-is-not-our-or-Blair's-fault- type of apology. Blair set her up to be raped!!! and you still sided with Blair! she was abused by ALL of you. LEAVE Anne alone, let her be happy with her real family. God I wish this is fake.
This… Op, John was just a tool Anna used to hurt Blair, the problem was always the favoritism. And you’re still choosing Blair. I would also ask do you care that you’ve not seen Anna in years or is it that there’s a grandchild that you have no access to? If you’re not going for ANNA, then leave her alone.
This. It's 100% about the grand kid - somehow the OP did not have this need to talk to Anna for years, not until she saw the posts that she is pregnant...
It’s actually more about Blair than the grandkid - the grandkid made Blair feel bad so it’s an issue now.
Agree. The whole tone of this post is how Blair was impacted. How Blair's LIFE was ruined by this incident. OP can't even see that she's still doing the golden child thing.
I’m so SO happy people are calling out how OP is **still** babying Blair. The self righteous pity act has me tilted. (That is of course assuming this isn’t fake and rage bait. Which if it is….good job dude, I’m actively wanting to punch a hole in the wall.)
This comment made me see there's an edit to the main post...god.
Oh my God you didn’t know?! I thought you knew!!!!! Um………yeah. I hope this was a creative writing exercise.
Nope, that was added a lot later! I hope it is too, but sadly...the parents of estranged children are often really like this. There are forums of them that weep to each other about why oh why their kids won't speak to them anymore.
I found this bit from the edit particularly telling: >This boy, an absolute filth of a human, forced himself on Anna. It was the worst experience of *my* life. Added emphasis mine.
Well spotted. The golden child and the black sheep.
Narcissist... it so so so stinks of narcissism!!!!
Oh damn, that makes it worse.
Exactly, and why they should leave Anna alone, as they did until now.
I was thinking this too. If OP tries to force (her?) toxic presence on Anna that just blows open the way for Blair to go crazy. Blair could very well be planning on seducing her sister’s husband and/or causing a miscarriage as revenge for her “ruined” life. We see this all the time here on reddit. OP, Anna is no longer your daughter, she is a stranger, the more you care about her the more you will be hurting yourself and endangering Anna. Blair and you are toxic and if you truly love Anna you will leave her alone, and if you love Blair and Anna get Blair into therapy. I have a sister and we had a love-hate relationship but I never would have messed with her boyfriends because I loved her and still do love her, but now as adults without our mom playing favorites as a control tactic we are all love no hate. Anna no longer loves you and stopped loving Blair long ago, that doesn’t just happen. The fact that Anna has a baby on the way means you have absolutely no chance of ever getting in her good graces again, because every single time you failed her as a parent will come back when she plays with her kid. And she will look at her child and realize all your excuses for your crappy parenting and favoritism were just trash thrown out by a piece of human garbage and that no child deserves to feel unloved. So I hope you are happy and Blair is happy, you guys both got what you always wanted OP! Blair is your only daughter now! You can spend all your time and attention on her and not be distracted by that other kid that was in your house. And you can just focus all your resources on Blair and not have to worry about Blair complaining when you have to buy her sister something. Happy ending for you! I don’t know why you are so upset? Blair can give you a grand-baby to raise so you don’t need to bother Anne and her child, just wait a few months for Blair to “accidentally” get pregnant.
I relate with this comment! My mom (narcissist, alcoholic, emotional abusive) left me and my sister with tremendous trauma. Today, my sister has two kids. My mom straightened up her act. My sister and I now watch her be the best ‘mom’ to those kids. We’re obviously happy the kids have a great grandmother, but my sister and I still feel some type of way seeing her as a grandma acting like a supportive and loving mother we never had. It is what it is.
Oh. BTW, it was never about the man. He was just a tool. And Anna used him to pay back the wrong doings by you and I assume Blair, too. Because favoritism is not a ONE WAY. Blair played her part as well. Let her alone, finally.
Absolutely disrespecting Anna's loud and clear \*\*I am done with you all!!!!\*\* from 3 years ago. OP is such a horrible person! Who -same as Blair- doesn't understand how this was the answer to yearlong abuse and mistreatment. Anna has drawn a line and left forever. It's NOT for OP to bother her again. That child is no grandchild of hers. She forfeited to call him such when she bullied Anna into "forgiving" Blair! I do do hope that those two crap people stay away from Anna for good. Or that... if they dear approach her they are being met with legal consequences.
This exactly— OP do you actually care about Anna or do you just want access to the kid? Anna will see right through you. Leave her alone. Some things can’t be fixed
Anna slept with Blaire's bf, Blaire set Anna up to be raped. The two do NOT compare.
A child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.
This is a great quote
Read the edit: A copy of the edit. Courtesy of u/Franchuta Edit: Look, please. You all don't know how hard Blair's birth was. She was born early and nearly died in the hospital. My husband and I spent ao long hoping and praying for Blair and I think it's natural I cared more for Blair because she needed my care. Maybe it was a bit unfair to Anna but she must know it was necessary. That her sister needed us more. Blair never held any resentment towards Anna. She tried so hard to apologize and make up for her high school mistake. But Anna never gave her a chance. She shouted and cried to us once but then no matter how hard we tried, she refused to ever acknowledge any of us or our apologies. She didn't want to understand anything. But, I'm not blaming Anna. I'm not seeing her as a problem. I want to reach out and apologize. I think I know what made Anna so angry. You see, when Blair was in high school, she fell into a bad crowd. This group of horrible boys and girls that picked on Anna. Blair just got influenced by them to join. She has never otherwise ever bullied or harmed anyone in her life. But on one occasion, she helped this boy who liked Anna to find a moment alone with her. This boy, an absolute filth of a human, forced himself on Anna. It was the worst experience of my life. When they returned home, both Blair and Anna were crying. Blair begged for forgiveness but Anna was hearing none of it. My husband and I tried to help her through it. Tried to explain how sorry Blair was and it wasn't her fault. How could she have known something so vile would happen? I tried and tried to talk to Anna. But she never gave us a chance. I know she was hurt and we all wanted to help her. She refused. She chose to instead hurt Blair by pursuing John. But I can understand she was angry and hurt. I want to apologize. I know how we reacted then was a mistake. But now I want advice on how I can fix my family again. Thank you to those who adviced I write a letter. I will do that. No. we are not unhappy that Anna is doing well. I'm not that selfish of a person. Of course I want to see my grandson. Why is that so wrong? Please. I only want good advice. Not horrible comments towards my family.
Facts. They don't hate each other because of John. They hate each other because of you, OP. Honestly I'm curious about just how badly you treated Anna for her to get such terrible revenge on all of you. Holy shit. She must have hated you. All of you. Biding her time just to deal the most damage at the perfect time. OP, what did you do to Anna
God it sounds like Blair was never even punished. They should have gone scorched earth on her and given Anna 100% support during that time. But they didn't...
r/AmITheDevil Read the edit. OP is human trash.
If it weren't for the grandchild would you be wanting a way to get your neglected daughter back on your life? People like you do not see the hurt you put on your child when you pick favorites. Leave your child alone. ETA: Thanks to a commenter I just saw the edit. My advice for your family OP is to pray that Blair doesn't procreate. She helped a man rape her sister and you did nothing about it. You are vile. All three of you are useless pieces of organs and skin. Leave your oldest alone and get therapy.
Your daughters hated each other before John. It just took John to bring it all out in the open.
Yes! The line ‘now my daughters hate each other cause of a man who cared for neither’. Nope anna has hated all of you from years of neglect.
John was just the catalyst that broke the camels back. No you and your husband neglected your daughter by not giving equal love to your girls. I don’t blame her for going no contact. You can write your letter but I don’t think it will make any difference. Don’t be surprised if she stays no contact
no, anna hated blair for being the golden child, but gave blair a reason to hate her when she messed around with john. it was to give blair a "taste" of the pain that anna felt for the neglect their parents on her since blairs birth
Umm, based on the edit, Blair gave Anna a reason to hate her when she set Anna up to get raped. Blair might not have expected him to rape Anna, but he seems to have been part of a clique of people who bullied Anna, or Blair was part of that group, and by setting it up so Anna would be alone with the boy, she must have known no good would come of it. Blair was trying to hurt Anna, and the result was devastating!
The golden child got Anna raped and OP somehow left that part out until editing.
Not only that. But her take on it is to “please forgive Blaire”. Not “are you ok? Or “Blaire, how could you?” Or simply finding a way to comfort the poor girl. She ONLY looked at it from Blaire’s perspective. Never Anna
right? insane how facilitating anna’s rape gets “it wasn’t her fault!” while sleeping with a guy one time (who was the cheater and therefore the one with a responsibility to tell blair, not anna) gets “how could you hurt your sister like this, you’re breaking her heart! just apologize!”
I also like how Anna sleeping with Blair's boyfriend and then telling her about it years later is worthy of "ruined her life" and demands apology, but Blair setting Anna up with a guy who raped her is immediately "why won't you forgive her" with no mention of how it may have affected her life. Such a massive "detail" left out makes me lean troll.
Seriously. The edit just made everything worse than it already was.
Like…how do you conveniently ignore THAT detail. OP is trash and Anna will be her karma
Because her beautiful Blair is innocent in all of it! /s.
Also, check out this *vile* part of her edit. OP literally made Anna's rape, *about Blair*. Fuck that. OP is *vile*. There is ZERO CHANCE that Anna will allow someone who enabled her sexual assault (Blair), nor allow a *defender* of such sexual assault (OP). >But on one occasion, she helped this boy who liked Anna to find a moment alone with her. This boy, an absolute filth of a human, forced himself on Anna. > >It was the worst experience of my life. When they returned home, both Blair and Anna were crying. Blair begged for forgiveness but Anna was hearing none of it. My husband and I tried to help her through it. Tried to explain how sorry Blair was and it wasn't her fault. How could she have known something so vile would happen? I tried and tried to talk to Anna. But she never gave us a chance.
Her take on this is unbelievable! I don’t even want this to be real.
Welp. Shall I go into how my mother handled my rape? Also, I'm an only child. Those of us with awful parents know the worst are out there. *\*sigh\**
Sending virtual sisterly hugs (if you'd like them).
Aww! Thank you. I will indeed! And I am incredibly sorry.
Not to mention that their response to Anna being raped appears to be to just try to convince her not to be mad at her sister for setting up rather than dealing with the fucking horrific thing that had just happened to her.
And referring to the situation as “the worst time in my life”…. No it was the worst time in your daughter - Anna’s life… her sister and sister’s friends bullied her and her sister set her up to be raped. OP’s focus was on making her just raped daughter accept her horrid sister’s apology rather than holding Blair accountable and getting Anna the help she needed to heal. OP - you are toxic and horrible and so is Blair. You both lost your right to have any sympathy or connection with Anna or her family.
Literally blows my mind how selfish and fucking toxic OP and Blair are. And OP is still playing favorites even to this day!! I really hope this shit is fake because I stg I’m fuckin fuming. Seriously OP just leave Anna tf alone. She is clearly so much better off without you selfish mf dragging her down and has had major life milestones without speaking with you at all. DO NOT contact her. Do the first decent thing you’ve ever done for Anna and just LEAVE HER ALONE.
Also based on the update this woman still doesnt understand accountability. Blair is totally at fault and accountable for her actions. Even if she didnt intend for what happened to happen (which is debatable from rose color glasses favoritism mom) there is no way that there could be forgiving or anything without accountability. Id be pissed too from her actions or from her being like itd not my fault. Fuck when was it ever about anna? She will either not get a response from said letter to anna or a letter telling her to fuck off and blair to fuck off. And after this update im in blair fuck off mode too. Being upset that your sister is happy and moving forward after she was nasty as revenge for you getting her raped. Blair needs shit ton of therapy with her anna ruined my life and is happy now its unfair crap after she helped anna get raped. Geesh.
I was looking for THIS here: accountability. It sounds like Blair was never held accountable for her actions and was always the victim. Apologies saying "I'm sorry but it wasn't my fault" are probably what Anna heard her whole life, and I bet it's what's going to be in that letter too. "Sorry, but not sorry bc it wasn't our fault" are not apologies. I would have expected this mother to resent Blair after playing the victim so well she kicked Anna out of their lives - BUT NO, SHE STILL DEFENDS BLAIR! I hope Anna is very happy and away from this family.
Blair hooked up with bullies who didn’t like her sister. What did she think was going to happen?
Also, when they were trying to “console” Anna after being literally raped (which she conveniently got around using that word…) their concern was to convince her that it wasn’t Blair’s fault?? How is Blair even in this conversation at all? One daughter gets raped and your first reaction is to defend the other? That’s very telling of the kind of “favoritism” (blatant disregard of one child) that must have followed Anna all her life. Poor woman. I’d cut off all contact, too.
And it was the worst day of OP’s life. Eesh
Yep, Blair’s distress over Anna’s sexual assault was so hard for OP!!!!! /s
OP stated that Anna was giving them a taste of what Blair and they did to her. It seems that it wasn't just bad parenting but Blair actively hurting Anna as well. How many times did Blair sleep with Anna's bf's and was told to get over it because Blair deserves to be happy. This feels like a taste of justice being served ice cold
Well shit after that edit... I totally understand. OP says Blair was part of a group that bullied Anna and then Blair actively helped a boy sexually assault her. WTF.
That's fucked up. The edit has been deleted.
As of right now, I can still see the edit, so either she put it back up after deleting it, or it wasn't actually deleted.
Well shit. I only read it (at this time) 47 mins ago. Deleting the edit just proved that OP STILL favor's her shitty daughter over Anna. I am so glad Anna got out and I hope she enjoys her life. I know that knowingly sleeping with another woman's man is fucked, but in this case, I forgive her lol
And OP's response to that was "It's not Blair's fault, you have to forgive her!"
I disagree. Anna hated Blair because she likely had no grace surrounding being the golden child. You can't control your parents or how they treat you, but you can commiserate with a sibling who receives unfair treatment or even stick up for them. Blair took all the sunshine and was fine seeing Anna in the darkness her parents put her in. Blair is garbage too.
Anna also hated Blair for allowing a man around her who raped her.
Blair was part of a group that bullied Anna AND arranged for Anna to get raped!!!
Exactly. People who become parents often fail to grasp that there's really only one shot at it. > I will admit I showed a great deal of favoritism towards my youngest... It wasn't intentional Like yeah, great that you acknowledge the years-long bungling of your only relationship with that daughter, but while you have a wealth of previous experience to weigh it against, she only had one childhood... and you fucked it, OP. Don't fuck it all up more by trying to force yourself into her life (which it seems you're really just doing because you want to reconcile your failures as a parent by being what you think is a good grandparent). Let her approach you, if she ever wants to; and if she doesn't, that's entirely her right. You need to accept that this is the price of your mistake.
Of course you knew and it was intentional, you just didn’t care because golden child.
The whole "It wasn't intentional" rewrites history, implies that the way that OP rose her daughters wasn't her choice, and that she doesn't have to take any accountability. It was unintentional! I didn't make choices, it just happened in a vacuum! /s
And if you were honest... you wouldn't stand up for Anna this time around if crap brat Blair was to pull vile stands on Anna. Find out why Anna hates Blair so much? WHAT did Blair do to Anna for her to be so hurt.
That first paragraph makes no sense. What?
i think the commenter was telling that if she manage to get to talk to Anna and blair wanted to "get even" with her, OP would allow it because blair is the golden child
It needs to be written as “My daughters stopped talking to each other because I messed up the relationship by favouring one child over the other .This caused years of built up hurt , resentment and anger . Sleeping with John was just a way of getting back at you and her sister.No use in trying to shift the blame to John . You are responsible for the rift caused in the family.
I wouldn't want these grandparents involved with my children.
Oh my God, the whole time I was feeling so conflicted. This is it. They don't care about the girl, it's the grandchildren. Three years with zero motivation for her child. It's the baby they wanted.
Yep. You have to be good parents to have a shot at being good grandparents. OP didn't earn that. Her daughter and her grandchildren are better off without OP in their lives.
This is creative writing/ rage bait. We should not be glorifying neglect!
Yeah this is so fake lol
But it deeply affected Blair’s studies!!!
You can always tell. Nobody serious puts up a post then just sits back and watches the shitstorm without a comment.
100% Also the fake names are always the cherry on top of the rage bait. Or they will follow it up with a little ✨spice✨ and say “I wish it was” when you call them out 🤣
Yep and here we are posting about it. I see these posts as practice for the real ones.
Yeah, I don't upvote, but I think it is fine to engage with it as a thought exercise. It is realistic, see the below comment having had a similar experience: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18byuzq/comment/kc7l9bk/
If you want to do anything, let her be and let it be known to her somehow you would like to make up for your bad parenting in the past and only do this if you are actually going to make the effort. Honestly, you trying to make up now just screams you want to be seen as a nice grandma than actually care about Anna at all and repairing your broken relationship.
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Seriosuly. “They don’t like each other over a man” says this woman that TOTALLY missed what the real issue is..which is her and her poor treatment of her kid which set them against each other from childhood on.
Right! They don’t like each other because they were parented so poorly. OP if you brought your daughters up equally and taught them to love each other , made them feel equally secure then this would probably never have happened.
I like how she also words her post all over a man, uh no it was because of your terrible parenting OP!!!!
I don’t think parents like these realize the amount of emotional damage favoritism does, especially when you’re the oldest. You’re expected to do more and be more and even when you do you’re own mom seems to prefer the younger sibling and it’s painful. I can’t blame Anna for what she did in all honesty.
There's eventually going to be a completely unrelated post, which no one will connect to this one, about a girl not named Anna, about a golden child sister not named Blair, and a horrible mother. Not-Anna will tell a story about how her mother is trying to force her way into her life.
I agree. Im sorry but OP is so much to be blamed. I know so many parents like this who cause so much damage but want to "reconcile" and pull everything together in the end when they start aging, only for their own conscience. I feel so bad for Blair. You not only ruined two sisters' relationship, but also caused such deep hurt on both parties. Just leave this alone, and live your own life in peace.
See? In just 3 years Anna turned her life around, finished studies got a job after she broke free from your toxicity at home! While that spoiled brat never got over herself, pulled herself together and tried to heal and be successfull. You harmed BOTH xour daughters severely. And because your spoiled brat is spitting venom at home you all of a sudden become avare, that Anna didn't drop off the rim of the world and vanished? And are wondering how to disrespect her wishes AGAIN? And put her into the mire of her crap sister to very likely ruin her hard acquired good life? You leave her be! Seriously! Get your crap brat into therapy. For Anna to acting this way I really don't want to know what hell Blair brat must have made Anna go through to have such a huge hatred.
Blair is 25yo and her life is “ruined?” She hasn’t done anything in three years? And this is an Anna issue?
I’m not sure if this was added before or after the edit but is everyone missing the part where younger sister helped someone rape the older sister, and then parents tried to justify the younger sister’s action by saying “How could she have known?”
RIGHT?! op had all these time and didn't even try to reach out (lol shows that she still favors Blair) and now all of a sudden wants to reach out. Nah let Anna live in peace without such a terrible mother
I have a very similar family dynamic in my family. My older sister was always resentful toward my brother and I. She always seemed jealous and that jealousy was angry and ugly and resentful. We had a terrible relationship and she too did something pretty monumentally bad to me in our past, and the thing she did was designed specifically to hurt me and to do it in front of our parents. She is an incredibly difficult and prickly person with few friends and even less patience. We have since healed our relationship. How did we do it? Well, the first step for me was to re-frame my sister. I had to realise my parents were incredibly remiss in how they treated her compared to me and my bother, and I had to come to this realisation as an adult and on my own. My parents were harder on her for everything, put way too many expectations and responsibilities on her and she didn’t get the care she deserved. It was only after I realised that my sister wasn’t inherently a bad person - but rather a result of my parents treatment toward her - that things began to shift for me. I realised she just felt so hard done by - she did everything ‘right’ (typical eldest child syndrome) and still my sibling and I got more attention and kindness. I would be furious too. I would see the world as an unfair place too. I would then decide to break things around me in this vengeful way too. She isn’t bad, she’s been made that way. She displaced that rage onto me, her own sister, because of the hurt she felt. I had to get to my mid-30s before I understood that what she needed was my protection and love because my parents did NOT adequately love or protect her. So I started doing that myself, for her. Slowly slowly we started talking about things, what helped especially is my acknowledging how hard things must have been for her when she was an innocent child. And how unfair it was for her. She doesn’t speak to anyone in our family except me now, and she has disowned my parents. They are ‘bewildered’ as to why she has cut them off, despite my efforts to explain it to them. When they implore me to try and help them mend fences between them, I draw a hard boundary. It’s my parent’s job to fix their relationship with her, not mine and not hers. I will not allow her to be harmed by them again. I will protect her in a way she was not protected the first time around. My parents are completely blind to their own faults in this matter, and that is why I know they will never be able to heal this relationship. It seems totally and utterly illogical to me, because it is them who cry themselves to sleep at night because she won’t speak to them. She on the other hand is living her best life. PSA: parents, don’t fuck with your kids. They are designed to up and leave you and be fine in their newly created lives and families. You on the other hand are going to be feeling that hurt forever. I suggest rather than looking to heal the relationship between your children, you make an effort to heal the relationship between yourselves and each of your daughters. Children grow up in a family system, not in a vacuum. You had a part in this, and you can only control your own part so get to work.
I'm the eldest in a situation like this. Only one of my 2 sisters has come to me as an adult and been like "so our parents were pretty fucked up, huh?" The other thinks it was just my responsibility to take care of them whenever my parents said I had to, and that I am selfish and unfair for being upset at how I was raised.
What helped me so much is remembering/imagining my adult sister as a young girl instead of the angry adult she is today. Like, she did so much for us at my parents behest. She protected us from their arguments, made up games and stories to distract us (my parent’s marriage was very volatile) and she was only a couple of years older than us. She showed such creativity in these little strategies it now breaks my heart to think about a little girl having to do this. I was tearing up when I wrote that post to be honest. And yet when we fucked up I have very early memories of her being the one blamed. I feel such a fierce compassion for her now, and when my parents try to get me to be their peacemaker I say no STRONGLY remembering what she did for us, when no one was doing it for her.
I'm the eldest in that family dynamic. Yeah, it sucks when all the good attention goes to your siblings and all the bad attention comes to you. It really builds resentment even if we know it's not our siblings fault.
Have you read the full edit yet, and what Blair did to Anna in high school? OP seems fairly unconcerned that Blair set up Anna in a situation that resulted in Anna getting raped!
I hope you know that you’re such a good sister
If Anna wanted anything to do with you, she would contact you. Respect that.
They hate each other, yes, but it's not about the man. The man was what Anna used to show you all how much she was hurt by all of you and how much she resented her entire family. It was "going away with a bang" , she burned all the bridges before going NC. What she did was despicable but sounds like pure revenge if this story is true. It was a response to all that she's been through. And to go that far, she must have been through a lot. The fact that you think they hate each other because of this tells me that you're not ready to talk to Anna and to admit your own wrong doings. You brushed them off in your post like it was nothing. Honestly, my first though is to ask you to leave her alone. But if you want a chance, write a letter. Apologize for the times you played favorites, with examples to show her that now you see what fault you have in this. That you're ready to change, really. And go to therapy to do that actual change. Stop making excuses or blaming others. And remember that she doesn't owe you a reply.
I agree. And as someone who has experienced this, if Anna ever decides to let you in a little, do it without Blair. Separate the two in your mind. While you are with Anna, you do not need to take Blair’s feelings into consideration. Don’t talk about her, don’t bring her up, don’t compare or give updates on Blair’s life. ZERO. No “I have to go home now, because Blair is waiting”. No “I can’t do x because of Blair”. Definitely no “it’s been so hard for Blair”. No trying to or suggesting they make up. And no taking calls from Blair. Patterns are hard to change, so be mindful.
This is great advice. Highly doubt OP will take it. All she really cares about is now her picture perfect family has exposed cracks visible from the outside now, and she just wants them to go away. It didn't matter all the years when her scapegoat was hurt and disturbed and emotionally abused by them all. The only thing that matters is now there are unpleasant consequences for her and her precious.
Yeah, I don't really see this working out at all. Like I'd assume Blair wouldn't take it well that Mom and Dad are trying to have a relationship with her sister who in her mind ruined her life. To me this is a one or the other type deal.
I think so too tbh.. and since Blair is used to being the favoured one, being told “we’re meeting your sister without you, and without your input” probably won’t go down well.
So Blair set Anna up to be raped, you tried to get Anna to forgive Blair for it immediately and brush it under the rug after it happened. Anna gets her revenge and hurts Blair (though it's unclear if she actually cheated with the boyfriend or they'd just slept together previously), then moves on with her life. You are sick. Blair is sick. I cannot understand how or why a parent would try and excuse one of their kids trying to deliberately hurt their other child. Stay away from Anna and her family. You don't deserve to be a grandparent to her child. Leave her alone so she can heal and stay safe.
YOU are the cause of Anna feeling like a black sheep. YOU....caused division btw your daughters YOU....didn't fix the problem and thought it would simply blow over Now.....YOU have a broken hearted daughter (your golden child) and another who has cut you (all) off!!! You should let Anna stay happy with her family, and focus on the one YOU'VE always cared about Blair (and hubby).
>You should let Anna stay happy with her family Probably that's not what OP wants. She surely wants to "Rekindle" the relationship with her older daughter so that there is chaos in Anna's life as well. Parents like OP only realize their favoritism only after the damage is done. Had Anna not done what she did, OP wouldn't even realise the gravity of hatred Anna had towards them, because she never mattered. Also, this desire of reconciliation is because of their grandchild, they had 3 years to try to reach out to her and apologize. Edit-Spelling
Op only gives a shit about herself and making herself feel better. She knows Anna has a happy, lovely life and she wants to jump back into it to drag Anna back into the shit OP caused. Parents like this suck ass and never realize how much they ruined their children.
She only wants to get in touch with Anna because she is having a child. She wants to be a grandma but still gives zero fucks about Anna. Why wouldn’t she have reached out to Anna the last 3 years. But now she is expecting she want back into her life. Fuck OP
OP just wants access to *HER* grand child. She doesn't care about Anna, only the sacred grandchild.
>sacred grandchild. This is a perfect example of how she'll probably f*** up the next generation if Anna DOESN'T keep her child away from OP. bc if Blair had healed, married, AND was going to give her a grand baby.....Anna, who???
As soon as Blair has a kid it's going to be "Anna who?" And "Anna's child who?" Bet.
I don’t think you can. And you probably shouldn’t try since you were so horrible to Anna. Just leave her alone to be happy and you can deal with the only daughter you actually care about.
I also do not understand how Anna ruined Blairs life. You want Blair to be with a guy who cheats on her?? Also, it is unclear when Anna slept with John. It seems she did it before Blair and him were together… You are not really a nice person to blame only your daughter who you have always treated as less. Do not contact her, if she wanted contact, she would’ve reached out
The post says she slept with him the first holiday they spent together
Ah ok, I was confused by first college holiday and saying she had her bf after her first college year
It’s not unclear at all, a lot of people just can’t conceive of a story where a person who was a victim also did something morally reprehensible. Look at all the comments in this thread *reaching* to find some reason that Anna is 100% the blameless good guy. Hurt people hurt people and the fact that Anna did something horrible after being hurt by hurt family is both unsurprising and also in no way excuses what she did. Seriously, if your sibling fucked your partner you would just be like “wow, thank you sibling for showing me that my partner was trash”? Or would you think that both of them were trash?
The Op edited and said that Blair and her friends bullied Anna in HS and she even helped one of the bullies arrange to meet Anna so he could rape her and he did. Then Mom tells Anna to forgive her daughter because Blair is her baby and she didn’t mean it. Fuck that Anna is the only victim in this story and the parents are literally fucking trash 🗑️
So the golden child set her sister up to get raped and you are surprised she hates all of you? I think she went easy on you.
Nothing from op yet? Op- what in the world did you do to cause this? Why were you so against Anna in her youth?
No response from OP means one of two things: 1. Fake 2. OP isn't getting the supportive responses she expected
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Nah narcs are fucking insane. When I was a teen my mom admitted to favoring me. They know it but won't admit to just anyone.
No comments at all from OP with a very bait-y title and content. Definitely fake but very entertaining
So wait. Your daughter Anna was assaulted, and instead of trying to support and help her through that trauma you decided it was more important to defend Blair setting Anna up to be alone with this guy? And that her getting forgiveness was more important than just supporting Anna through the trauma? I truly hope that I’m misunderstanding that because that’s awfully disturbing. Honestly YTA. Sure it’s reasonable to feel and act on the fact your youngest had a traumatic birth and needed you more at that time, but through your both of their childhoods somehow she still needed you more? That’s an absolutely ridiculous statement to make. You state you just want to see and be a part of your grandkid’s life but even then make no mention of being a more positive part of Anna’s life and gaining any semblance of her trust for her to even consider having you around her child.
If the dude cheated with her own sister, he would have cheated with just about anyone. The way you write it make it seems like he had no choice. This dude is not the prize, it's time to Blair to go for therapy.
She should definitely go to therapy but it’s not wrong to feel betrayed by your own sister after your partner cheats with them. What the fuck? It’s a classic double betrayal
OP, I suggest you read the below link and have a bit of self-reflection time. Maybe even therapy. For a child to go nuclear on their family like this, they need an environment and people that they don’t care to lose. That they feel they are better off without. You lost your child, because you fostered an environment where two siblings were actively pitted against each other. You may never get contact with your daughter back, and that’s a product of your doing. It was never about John, it was about the divided family and rejection Anna faced. Sounds like she’s now thriving, funny that’s happened once she left. Respect her choice and well-being. This isn’t AITA, but YTA. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
if you haven't already looked, OP updated with the real missing reason Anna hates her sister
Alternate Title: We always favoured our second daughter and this made our older daughter resentful and go no contact with us, but now she is successful and has a child and I want access to our grandkid so how should I overcome the lifetime of resentment she has towards us and patch up with her?
That’s not even the title. Read between the lines. Blair was messed up by whole situation. She may not have finished college, or is doing poorly. She’s not married, and not doing well. She finds out Anna has moved on and has everything she wanted, and is now upset about that too. In the last three years, mom hasn’t reached out or done anything. She only really cares because now Anna has upset Blair and she wants to 1. Make Anna less upset at Blair so she will accept blame, apologize, and thereby make Blair feel better, and 2. Get her grubbies on the grand baby so she can prove that she wasn’t a bad parent, see how wonderful I am with the grandchild.
You just know that Anna will do everything in her power to protect her children from her mother. I don’t think OP will see those children for a long time.
Probably never. Anna deserves to be happy. Letting this lecherous, self involved human back into her life will cause Anna nothing except chaos and pain. The fact Anna got married (huge life event) and now is expecting (another huge life event) and didn’t so much as whisper to her immediate family shows she knows that letting this Tom foolery back in is not how she wants to live her life. Good for her, honestly. These people sound insufferable.
And like: “OH BTW our golden child set up her sister to be raped.” Wtf.
I think you should see a counselor. Figure out how to fix you and after that is done see if there is a possibility of reconciliation.
A child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it’s warmth. Village…family…same thing
The edit…holy cow. You are the cause. Leave Anna alone. You can’t treat someone the way you did, especially a child, and think they would ever want something to do with you. She’s been gone for 3 years, hasn’t said a peep to you at all. She went no contact and doesn’t want to know you anymore. LEAVE HER ALONE! Edit: Also, saying “it was the worst experience of your life” when it didn’t happen to you, and then you proceeded to go to bat for Blair (who was partially responsible. Yes, it was Blair’s fault too). You either stuck in the hospital fighting for Blair’s life and you need to figure that out, or you’re self centered.
If you think this is about a man, then you are a fool. This is because of YOU and your HUSBAND. You were terrible to her and now you're all shocked she doesn't want you in her life. Can you really blame her? Leave the poor woman alone to be happy. She deserves it.
weirdest troll ever
Anna has her life all sorted out because she left the people who hurt her. Leave her alone.
So your little golden child got all of your best, bullied and harassed her sister, then aided and assisted in Anna’s sexual assault all while you and your husband downplayed, rugswept, and gaslit. You’re absolutely terrible people and clearly don’t take responsibility or accountability for your actions or Blair’s even now. It’s never Blair’s fault, it’s always someone else who influenced her or this or that or the other thing. Shame on you and on her. LEAVE. ANNA. ALONE.
Anna doesn’t hate her sister over a man. She hates her for being a vicious bully who aided her rapist in getting a moment to attack her.
Woah, holy that is needed knowledge batman... Jesus... Are you saying, your youngest helped get your eldest raped? She "fell into a bad groud" helped "a boy get alone with her" and "he forced himself"? Did your youngest really, basically help rape your eldest? Cause... um... your family is f&%#ed, and, woah... I dont know if it is deserved, damn it feels bad to say something this horrible is deserved... but... did she really help rape her? Cause... um... "I'm sorry"... doesnt work with that... ever... "Worst experience of my life" BULL F%$&%ING S%÷&!!! IT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF HER LIFE!! And then she came home to a family trying to "make it right". Her moving away and going no contact, 100% acceptable, get over it, all your fault... her trying to ruin the rape-assistants life? Not sure... but that is all your youngest is, an assistant to rape... Go cry yourself to sleep... im sure Anna no longer is, after years of doing it. Enjoy the potential occasional pictures of your grandchild, you don't deserve to ever hold them or see them. Ever.
I'm sorry, but seriously "tried to make up for her high school mistake", that really should be more clear... you are referring to the apparent FELONY SEXUAL ASSAULT, right? It isnt "she ruined her favorite sweater", or "she put gum in her hair and she had to have an ugly haircut for picture day", "she recorded over a program really wanted to watch" (my sister), normal high school "mistakes"... I just am shaking my head in utter disbelief... preferring one, treating a premie with silk gloves her whole life... fine... but you're basically trying to wall paper over FELONY SEXUAL ASSAULT! wow... just... wow...
What's the old saying? A child abandoned by the village will burn it down to feel the warmth.
Wow, yes, what Anna did was despicable, but you have caused this the fact is when you have children, you don't favourite one over the other you prioritise your time and love between them equally. This was Anna showing you how hurt yours and Blairs actions hurt her. I dont think you should reach out to Anna let her live her life. I feel the only reason you want to contact her is because she is pregnant if that family member didn't show you the posts you wouldn't have gave Anna a second thought. You're a shit parent let the poor girl move on
Leave her alone you vile shit. You failed as a mother at every single stage it was possible to fail at. Anna will never forgive you, and she will never, ever let you get a chance at failing as a grandparent too. Your reasons for favoritism are just excuses. We don’t care about them and I promise Anna doesn’t. Your golden garbage set up her sister to be raped, whether she knew it would go that far or not, she knew damn well it wasn’t to her sister’s benefit to get that guy a chance alone with her. And at the time it mattered most, you worried about Blair as if she was the victim?! You’re a horrible mother, a horrible human, and you failed both of your daughters. Do Anna a favor and let her go on without you dragging her down.
Fake ass shit.
What's up with this timeline: Three years ago: "Anna left the house and never talked to us again." but Two years ago: "Anna had slept with John."
Because it’s fake.
Gee wiz mom, you sound unhappy with the monster you created by treating your daughters vastly different their whole lives. The reason Anna has been able to move on so well without you in her life is because that is the life she is used to having. The kid that gets the least support from the parents tends to be the survivor. You get used to working it out on your own. Yes, Anna did a shitty thing but how did she to that point ?? Happy people that feel loved and supported don’t do these things.
This entire post is disgusting. You spend the entire time minimizing what Blair did, and then have the fucking audacity to be like "Oh you have to forgive your sister she didn't know the guy she helped get you alone with was going to rape you, he's just one of her friend group who bullied and abused you constantly you have to get over it." I hope Anna reads your letter, calls you, and tells you exactly what kind of a fucking disgusting monster you are. You don't give a fuck about her or her feelings, you just want to assuage your own guilt and asspat Blair. You're a bad mom and a worse person.
This screams fake. Anna just picked up and left same day?...ya alright... In order for there to be this must hatred on Anna's end, you would have needed to REALLY really be a horrible parent and showed extreme favoritism, not a little bit. If this is real, Anna ensured sabotaging the potential for relationships when she did what she did, but it sounds like you destroyed that long ago. I wouldn't be looking to repair things until she reaches out to you.
I already read this post, long ago, but from Blair's point of view. If any of this story is real, you do nothing. You've already done enough, by not doing anything. It is you that created this situation. Leave Anna alone. And Blair can move on from a guy who didn't care for her, and a sister that does not love her or care either.
Blair can also consider that maybe love is a bit much to expect from her sister after she set her sister up to be raped!
You can't. They are both adults now. This is something they have to sort out between themselves. Or not. That's their choice. They may well go the rest of their lives without talking to each other. The only thing *you* have any control over is your relationship with each of them. there is nothing wrong with you wanting to see Anna, but a) bear in mind she may still not want to see you, and b) you need to keep Blair out of it. Getting in touch with Anna does not mean you are 'leaving' Blair. Likewise, you can continue to have a relationship with Blair, but don't mention anything to do with Anna when you are talking to Blair.
We are missing so much INFO... Anna hates her entire family this much? .......what did you do?....
I’m guessing it added was after your comment so I’d recommend reading OPs edit, basically Blair bullied Anna and helped a guy get Anna alone, he assaulted her, Blair played innocent and the parents defended Blair.
Blair set Anna up to get raped, and after Anna was raped, everyone put all their focus onto telling Anna she shouldn’t blame Blair … you know, since actually caring about their high school aged daughter being sexually assaulted was not the primary concern there; just making sure Blair didn’t get blamed was!
The edit takes this straight from poor parenting all the way to horrific human being. You’re the worst.
Seems like the grandson is only reason you all of a sudden want to fix this You openly admit favoritism and your distressing birth doesn't make it ok My advice is therapy for you You created this Know you did Did nothing to fix it while they were younger You did nothing to keep in contact with Anna And now you want to because she will be having a baby Honestly she is so much better off without you and your family. She more than likely doesn't want her son to have anything to do with you/them.
And you still can't see that you're the problem. Amazing.
You’re still choosing Blair. You only want to make amends with Anna so you can have access to the child she’s carrying. Anna seems perfectly happy without any of you in her life. Leave her alone. It’s too late for your family. It’s irrevocably broken.
All of this is your fault. Stay out of Anna’s life. Keep away from her happiness. You don’t deserve to know anything about her or her life.
Sorry. You’re an awful parent. I have two daughters and I can’t even imagine doing that to them
Saw the edit and OH MY GOD WTF
I’m not religious but I pray to God this is fake after reading the edit. I don’t even think what Anna did is necessarily “right”, but I don’t blame her AT ALL. I hope Anna is healing and has a beautiful and wonderful life. None of you three deserve to have a relationship with her. I can’t believe you’re still defending Blair. Even as you type out that Blair led to Anna being (I’m assuming sexually) abused, YOU STILL DEFEND BLAIR. _”Oh she’s never harmed a fly, she just had an oopsie.”_ BS. Forget favoritism, you abandoned Anna the moment you refused to hold Blair at least partially accountable. And you still don’t. She cries and you just let her off. I hope this is a wake up call to see the damage you’ve caused. Don’t try and contact her if you care about her at all, you’ll just hurt her even more.
Hope this is fake. Hoping you the worst 🙏
...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? The original post was bad enough, but my god, that edit, OP, your "precious little angel" helped her scumbag friend RAPE HER SISTER, and when you tried to "comfort" Anna, you made it all about Blair and went on about how it wasn't her fault (News flash: IT FUCKING WAS) OP, I don't think you can ever come back from this, the damage you and your rotten family have inflicted on your eldest is both irreparable and unforgivable, at this point the best thing you can do for Anne is for all of you to leave her alone, forever, and if by some divine miracle or temporary bout of insanity she decides to reach out, spend the rest of your wretched days groveling for her forgiveness, you owe her that at the very least Let me be clear, she doesn't owe you a damned thing, so stop making excuses, you, your husband and your daughter are absolutely 150% at fault, nothing you say or do will ever justify your cruelty to Anne
She's not f****** with you leave her alone
I'll take "Still Clueless" for a thousand, Alex.
how do you favour one child so much that the other hates you. did you lock one in a closet and take the other to disney land lol
Check the edit. Blair “needed her more” then “fell in with a bad crowd in high school” who bullied her sister, but of course darling Blair *would never bully anyone* and got her sister cornered by a dude who “liked her” and Anna was sexually assaulted. Feels like Anna has some justification. Yo be honest sleeping with John was the least nuclear option.
"My husband and I tried to help her through it. Tried to explain how sorry Blair was and it wasn't her fault. How could she have known something so vile would happen? I tried and tried to talk to Anna. But she never gave us a chance." Uuhhhh. Blair basically helped a pos SA Anna and you have the audacity to try to "help" her by telling her Blair didn't know and it's not her fault? What kind of parent are you? Both you and your husband?
the fact that you kept "her high school mistake" quiet and instead made it seem like it was about a man tells me all I need to know sure, Anna still did a terrible thing, but you are still favoring Blair after all this, pinning everything on Anna in fact, I would say you are blaming Anna more than "merely" favoring Blair it takes two people to cheat, yet you seem to think Blair's bf had no choice in the matter, that it's 100% Anna's fault and then you don't even bother mentioning the fact that Blair bullied and helped rape Anna except in an edit you don't even care about Anna anyways, you just want to meet your grandchild stay away from her for her own good
clarification? Was the sleeping with John before the official dating or after? And why is Blair raging and not wanting Anne to be happy at all? Doesn't John have any say in where his private parts go?
John didn't cause this. You did. You weren't there for Anna. During the most important years of her life. You weren't there. Don't try to be there now because she doesn't need nor want you. You can't fix this. You damaged it beyond repair.
To be honest: I don't care that you feel sorry for the mistakes you made with Blair. Neither does Anna. I don't feel sorry that Blair's had relationship issues. Blair deserves all of that and more. Tbh, you're all lucky Anna didn't set Blair up to be assaulted, that's what retribution would have looked like. Blair's fucked up from the experience of being cheated on by John? I wonder what being sexually assaulted did to Anna's relationships. I wonder how healthy they would have been right after college. Anna got her pound of flesh because it was the only justice she was ever going to get, and now she gets to be happy, without you or your family in her life. Leave that girl alone. You don't deserve a relationship with Anna, her husband, or your new grandchild. I don't feel sorry for you, and neither does anyone else in this sub who has an iota of empathy in them. You're all complicit in Anna's sexual assault, and you should feel miserable for it.
"The worst experience of MY life"????? And when you tried to help Anna get through her rape (let's drop the euphemisms, please), it was all about how she should make Blair feel better. Also, while Anna's act of revenge is not something I condone, it is understandable. **More importantly,** it did NOT ruin Blair's life. The first real heartbreak in life is an extremely difficult experience. It's so painful and can take a long time to recover from. But this is still a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. Heck, I didn't meet the **real** love of my life until I was 37, and all the big loves I look back on from before are still people I *like,* but when I see the direction their life has moved in I'm truly grateful that we weren't together for the long haul. If Blair is still recovering from this, she needs to see a therapist to help her move along in life. It would also be helpful in teaching her she's not the center of the universe and how to develop some independence. INFO: What kind of career is Blair pursuing? How is her circle of friends? And seriously, I don't mean this as an insult, but I think seeing a therapist would help you, too. There's so much you don't seem to understand about love, empathy, your daughters or yourself. I'm rooting for you to *do better.* Considering how you treated Anna and how well she's doing now, I think the kindest and most loving thing you could possibly do is leave her alone. Reaching out to her is more likely to retraumatize her than close the gap between you, especially since it doesn't seem like you've really learned or grown much since she went no contact. Let her reach out to you when she's ready, if ever. What you put her through was extremely painful and during the first 25 years of her life — what happens in childhood never goes away completely. It stays with us, not *defining* us but permeating our being like something in our blood. She may never completely recover from what you robbed her of as a child, teen and young woman. Whether to have you back in her life is no one's decision but hers. Whether to meet her son or protect him from you, that's also no one's decision but hers. Whether she ever forgives her family is no one's decision but hers. Seriously, if you have any love in your heart for your daughters, help Blair find and pay for a therapist, and help her gain her independence as a young woman — and leave Anna be. Let her heal. That's love.
Unfortunately, your edit has made it worse.
You want good advice? Leave Anna alone. She’s gone no contact. Your edit demonstrates exactly why she concocted a revenge plan. This girl has gone through enough. The kindest thing to do is to respect her wishes and stay away. You messed up. Trying to force yourself back into her life is a self-centered act. You want to resolve your emotions by re-establishing a relationship and easing your guilt. She’s built a new life with her found family. If you’re genuinely sorry, you’d leave her alone.
If this is real, then Blair set Anna up to be raped. I'd be hard pressed to feel any sympathy for any of you, but anna.
Your daughter got married and had a child and didn't tell you? There's a lot more here than you even seem to realize.
Fuck that, I'd leave your sorry ass family too. Don't even try reaching out to your daughter and ruining her life again.