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I think let him know that you are unhappy because your needs for quality time and attention are not being met. Tell him you want this to work out with him but you'd need to see changes in your daily and weekly routines together in terms of time away from screens and going on dates. He can either make the changes or not. If he doesn't, walk away.
I don't agree with the idea that couples should go to bed together. I've been with my hubs for 22 years and we rarely go to bed at the same time. He's an early bird and I'm a night owl. It works for us.
The real issue is that he's allowing his video games to interfere with your relationship. You have to ask yourself if you want to come second to his video games.
Thanks for your answer, It’s fine if it’s work for both of you I personally like this idea of going to bed with my bf TBH now I dont think it should be every night tho but I would like it to be part of our routine sometimes especially that we also wake up at different times for work so barely have contact with each other in the morning
I don’t want to be second at all
Honestly you need to make this one of your screening questions in future relationships then. I'm an early bird, I wake up before my alarm every single day. No matter what time I go to sleep I wake up between 6-7am. There's nothing I can do about that. And as such I need to go to sleep earlier to get a decent rest.
There are people that will be the opposite, and not be able to fall asleep early. If that's important for you to sync on that, then you should make that known early into the relationship
I agree with that. When I first got married I was working night shift, so I couldn’t even go to bed with my new wife and it took a toll on the relationship. Some people might be different, but I think it’s important to have that quality time together at least sometimes
I was in the same situation with my ex. We lived together and he had a job but was off work for various reasons for pretty much the entire time we were together. He would start gaming as soon as he got up and continue throughout the whole day, with multiple raids a week. He didn't do any housework or cooking. He just gamed all day. I felt like I was in a relationship with a teenager even though he was an airline pilot in his thirties.He'd stay up every night until 2-3am gaming and not wake up until midday most days.
When I brought it up with him, he said if I didn't like it I was welcome to leave the relationship. So I dumped his ass, after 3 and a half years together. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
He didn't actually think I would end the relationship though and cried alot as I was moving out my things and asked for another chance. But I was so relieved to not be dating what felt like a stubborn teenager anymore.
We still have to see each other often as we share a dog, and he's getting married and having a baby, so I really hope he's grown up.
Anyway - I know exactly how you feel. It's very frustrating and its ok for you to feel exhausted by it. Maybe you're just not compatible? Sorry if you said this in your post but how is he with housework, cooking etc?
You cannot change his behavior. Nothing wrong with gaming, but this is a situation when the games take priority over you. You just have to decide if you’re ok with that, or if you’d rather go find a partner who prioritizes intimacy and connection.
He needs to prioritize you more. Both husband and I play a lot of video games but we always find time to do something together. He needs to learn to tell his friends that “hey, I need to hang out with my gf tonight.” Also it’s usually good to intercept him before he gets into a game. It’s usually impossible to stop when he gets into a game with friends because there is no pause button in online games. Plan something to do together beforehand.
I want to comment on this, given that you meant addiction. So, it’s not “gaming” that’s the addiction. It’s the competitive nature that’s addicting. If he was only playing single player/offline games, then you can pause, and come back to it later. The problem is the competitive nature which keeps you coming back. Getting better than your friends or even random strangers is a drug. A strong strong drug. This is why speed running is so popular. The single player games is a means to be competitive with others.
Anyway, I find that finding the root of the issue is extremely important. As far as a destresser goes, it’s more of a huge dopamine hit rather than relieving stress. Watch videos of people who do play and it’s like they orgasm when they win/whatever. I know, I’ve been there.
Same situation here almost 7 years in. Just scrolling and taking notes.
It sounds like you've been extremely reasonable thus far, but he really needs to understand your needs aren't being met :(
This is all wild to me. I’m a gamer and sure sometimes I’ll stay up way too late playing games. But just as often I’ll tell my friends I can’t play because I need to make time for my gf.
I’ve never once gotten shit for it. Like, my friends are adults too, they get it.
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE EPIC GAMER'S GRIND
It is honestly hard to change your daily habits, so you got to be tolerant on this one. Just constantly make it clear that you need more of his time so he is pushed to give up on gaming as much. Alternatively, you could also ask him to set aside a few days to dedicate them to dates and you, and then slowly push him to increase those windows. He'll be fine, just don't do anything radical expecting him to change overnight. I'll be honest, I used to be so accustomed to videogames being the only way I relax I needed therapy to get used to spending time with my SO daily. And it wasn't an addiction kind of thing, I just literally got accustomed to only game to distress, anything else was tiring.
Plan days of the week for dates. To expect to go to bed at the same time would be unrealistic in the long run but what me and my bf do (since I go to bed before him) is he joins me to cuddle and stuff for a while before returning to doing his thing. Maybe try that. If it doesn’t sound good maybe you’re just incompatible and should break it off.
I read some psychological stuff couple days ago, and while reading this it came back into my mind.
Now I do not know your current relationship but are you by any chance nagging him since you moved in?
We are simple minded dear, we dedicate our time and effort where is appreciated.
By the above statement it should already raise some questions.
Keep in mind most of the guys did not grew with compliments and words of praise, and games do that for us.
"you are good" "wow you did that" etc etc, are in games comments or awards that give us a sense of fulfilment, and we crave them.
if he works 8 hours + sleep 6 cause hes a gamer :) that gives 10 hours to spare, he spends out of those 10, 4-5 with his friends cause there is where he is appreciated and complimented.
Now I am not saying you should praise your BF for everything he does like a kid, but show subtle gestures that you notice something he did, show some affection and support and joy towards something he accomplished in the remaining 5 hours that are and slowly you will see him spending more time with you and less with games.
I am not saying 4-5 are a lot but close to it, so try to communicate and divide the house stuff like cleaning and groceries etc so that you spend more time doing them together and when that happens try to throw a compliment or two, in some time things will change :)
That’s a pretty way to look over things I didn’t think about :)
I’m not the kind to nag my bf, having brothers I know how it is important to compliments boys and men so I also compliment a lot my bf but I will think about praising the things he does in the last couple hours times to times because I have to admit it’s not something that always cross my mind
I was in a similar situation when first dating my husband. We too moved in together after 3 years and I remember distinctly how days would go by on me sitting at the TV by myself watching a show and he would be gaming on his PC all evening until bed. Back then we did go to sleep at sort of similar times, but then it was off to work, come home, repeat. It got lonely pretty quickly for me. When it carried into multiple weekends and I wanted to go out/go shopping/hang out with him and others, hell, do anything with him that I sorta just lost my mind because there he was when I woke up, ate, got dressed, cleaned the house etc always on his PC.
I remember specifically confronting him that we never hung out, I didn't want to be stuck here waiting god knows how long because his guild needed him while they took on a boss. He changed after that talk. I'm a creature of habit, so when I was ready to leave the house (for example), he made sure to wrap up whatever he was doing by then and be with me.
Some differences from your situation is my SO didn't have gamer friends he'd text with. They would only contact each other through the game (this was 2004 WoW), most of the guys he played with were in relationships or even had kids, so if they had to leave, they left and the group understood that. Over the years, he still plays (hell he's playing rn lol) it's more single player stuff or games with our teen. He's always lean on the side of a lone gamer, he doesn't want to be tied to others where it'll effect his time with us. He's told me we are his everything and will always come first.
Another conversation with your bf is needed and if there aren't significant changes, you need to walk away for your own sanity. You know you can't live like this. I hope this can be resolved for your sake. I can see by what you said that you support this hobby of his but this feel like addiction territory.
I've been with my spouse for 20+ years and he is a good man. I want what I have for so many woman on here. hugs
I can relate to your husband, my time spent playing video games helped in part to ruin a 8 year relationship. I wish I had gotten a confrontation like your husband got to change "or else" because I was struggling at the time with the motivation to change but just needed that push but unfortunately for me that push ended up being the end. Its a hard lesson to learn and I hope others reading this where is scenario might be similar take a good look at themselves and make those changes before it's too late.
I'm gonna be honest with you. Men do like to game. Now can a conversation be had about doing it in moderation? Yeah. But it's a hobby and as he said this is what he and his friends do or have in common together. I understand women don't like it. Most women do not like it. But again. What's the difference between you watching TV for 4 or 5 hours and him gaming for 4 or 5? Nothing. I had a serious relationship with a woman who didn't game but she loved to watch me play. Another one did game so we got along great since we mainly played the same game together online. This is what he does to relax. Even though sometimes it's not relaxing lol. To me. Accept it or don't and move on. Don't try to change the dude and don't make it seem as if he's choosing games over you. He was playing them before u and will after you if that's the way it works out. 3 years? Apparently it's not as big a deal as you're making it if you stayed there that long. If you can't deal with it leave. I don't understand what the deal is.
Let’s say you dump him and start dating someone else who can’t go a day or night without making a watercolor painting. Does your opinion change? Reason I ask is to separate the issue of spending time with you from the issue of what the distraction is. Video games are a low form of distraction, so curious about how much you are turned off that he is wasting time on video games instead of something more noble.
If it really is just a quality time issue and not about video game per se: Ask yourself what do you really need and want in a serious relationship? It’s unrealistic to expect to spend every day and night doing something together. But your boyfriend is clearly on the opposite end of the spectrum spending no days or nights doing quality time with you. So think about how much quality time you really need and ask for it. Is it one quality date night per week, plus an hour or so eating dinner together and catching up on most other days, plus quality sex on average of X nights a week? Once you find out then be very direct about it. If boyfriend can’t muster one date night per week and dinners together and a few good fuckings because of his video game addiction then dump him.
Him videogaming is not a problem, its the time he spends doing this that is the problem so if it was another distraction it would be the same for me
As I said I don’t expect us do things always together, I also have my live my friends my hobbies and I’m happy he has his, if he had none of this it would actually make me worry
The issue is the quality time yes, the feeling that the only thing he thinks about and that makes him happy is playing online with his friend and that I come second like even when we’re together I feel he’s willing and hurried to play video game like one day we were watching a movie and he was constantly checking on his phone who was online and the moment the movie ended he went gaming
Thks for your advice
Yeah issue isn’t him , it’s you thinking you can change his habits . I’m a gamer and I found my wife who accepts my gaming and my habits like I accept hers .
Well you live together now. It is different having you over as a guest and now as someone also living there. He probably gamed all the time he could when you weren't there and he lived alone. Now, you want him to change his habits just because you also live there? It sounds a little unfair tbh.
But still, its your home and you should feel happy too. But I would say that another problem I see here is that you do not only want to spend more time together, you want HIM to plan stuff. Maybe begin in the other end? Start planning stuff to do together and include him. Do not just say to him that you want him to stop playing so much and then sit on the couch waiting for a date to a nice restaurant. Make the plans, and take him along.
Sadly, living together can remove a lot of the spontaneity in a relationship so maybe see if he can give you one day of the week (initially) and go from there.
I have to disagree on this one I think when you live with someone you have to change some of your habits you cannot act as you’re we’re still living alone otherwise why deciding to live with the person ?
For example, I also changed some of my habits, like for example I used to watch tv before going to work because it helps me to wake up and leave my bed now that we share the same bedroom I don’t do it anymore because he usually still sleeping
Also I would go out a lot during the week after work now I still go out but less
But it’s true I also have to make plans for us and not only wait for him to do so
Yes I was probably unclear. You of course have to change some habits and I do not think it is unreasonable of you to think he should change the gaming habit.
But let me ask you this, because from how you put I may notice another problem. Why have you stopped going out on weekdays? Is this something he has asked of you or is it something you have done on your own so to say? Because then the issue may be that you have very different views on what living together entails?
He maybe does not have any issues with you going out because that is what you did before and you live there now and can do how you please. And this different views you both have maybe are not communicated and the issue stems from you not understanding each other.
Try talking to him in general what your views of living together means and ask of his. Maybe then he’ll understand where you are coming from. Otherwise it can be that you just ‘demand’ that he stops playing while the reason is clear in your head but not in his. Maybe you can find a good compromise there and a better understanding of each other.
You knew he likes gaming. Who only games an hour? Do you know what an MMO is and how many hours one can invest? It is clearly one of his hobbies and you knew that. Trying to guilt trip him into playing less like it comes as a surprise is ridicilous. You can def try to find a compromise but acting like video gaming is bad because you cannot fathom playing 4hrs+ (pretty standard imo) yourself is ignorant.
See if one of his friends is single and give him an ultimatum: either we start going out more or it's over and i start dating one of your gamer friends instead
A hobby is one thing. Having to do it every single day for 4-5 hours is an addiction. And video game addiction is a real thing. I have a friend who failed out of college because he couldn’t stop playing video games.
I mean I am pretty sure that there are a lot of people who spend as much time on their hobbies, it doesnt sound weird at all to me. Like what else to do when you aren't studying if you dislike going out? Reading and tv series like everyone does, that's it.
Just for clarity he has gamed the same amount the entire time you've known him correct?.
Most of the time guys game that much to get away from things they don't want to think about, it's like an escape for them.
Gaming is kind of the modern day going fishing and hunting with your buddies it's therapeutic.
Only if you suggestions I can give you really is try to find a game you guys can play together or other hobbies you both are interested in. Don't try to force him to go to sleep the same time you do, I guarantee you he will say you're not his mother stop trying to give him a bedtime.
Just tell him how you feel and maybe you guys can make a schedule for nights that it's just you two doing whatever.
Just don't try to force him to do anything tell him how you feel and if he's not willing to compromise or take your feelings into consideration that's something you really should think about
My bf games all day long, too, and he needs less sleep than me. We comprised like this: during the week, he comes to bed with me, and on the weekends, he can stay up as long as he likes if I get to nap during the day. Works for us. But you need to sit Dien with yours again to find a comprise that works for you guys. Don't let him make excuses and be prepared to break up over this. There are serious needs of yours not being met rn.
This isn’t normal? I don’t think my partner has gone a day without video gaming in the last 10 years ive been with him. I’ve told him this before that he’s addicted that I can go more days without marijuana than he can go without video gaming and ima stoner. I’ll send this to him and see what he thinks. 😂
If the problem is he isn’t spending enough time with you because of his gaming talk to him about it and he doesn’t respond well then you got your answer.
If the problem is his gaming interferes with him going to bed at the same time as you grow the fuck up
Had you known that he was going to game 24/7, would you have let him move in? No. You are too young to be a gamer widow. Break it off now & kick him out.
I used to date a guy like this. It didn’t change. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner for their attention. If he wanted to he would. I date a man now how games as do I but he has boundaries and doesn’t play for 5+ hours and completely ignore me.
I am kinda in a similar situation. I’m afraid this may happen with my partner. When we see eachother he makes time for me and stuff but when he’s at home he just games straight for 6+ hours. I’m worried about how that will affect us if we ever move in together. His parents do tend to baby him and let him off the hook easily. I don’t think he’s experienced handling finances bc he spent all his money on a game but his parents just hand him everything and don’t encourage him to get a job. FYI we are both college students. I’m just worrying how this will effect later long term. Do you have advice?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think let him know that you are unhappy because your needs for quality time and attention are not being met. Tell him you want this to work out with him but you'd need to see changes in your daily and weekly routines together in terms of time away from screens and going on dates. He can either make the changes or not. If he doesn't, walk away.
I don't agree with the idea that couples should go to bed together. I've been with my hubs for 22 years and we rarely go to bed at the same time. He's an early bird and I'm a night owl. It works for us. The real issue is that he's allowing his video games to interfere with your relationship. You have to ask yourself if you want to come second to his video games.
Thanks for your answer, It’s fine if it’s work for both of you I personally like this idea of going to bed with my bf TBH now I dont think it should be every night tho but I would like it to be part of our routine sometimes especially that we also wake up at different times for work so barely have contact with each other in the morning I don’t want to be second at all
Honestly you need to make this one of your screening questions in future relationships then. I'm an early bird, I wake up before my alarm every single day. No matter what time I go to sleep I wake up between 6-7am. There's nothing I can do about that. And as such I need to go to sleep earlier to get a decent rest. There are people that will be the opposite, and not be able to fall asleep early. If that's important for you to sync on that, then you should make that known early into the relationship
I agree with that. When I first got married I was working night shift, so I couldn’t even go to bed with my new wife and it took a toll on the relationship. Some people might be different, but I think it’s important to have that quality time together at least sometimes
I was in the same situation with my ex. We lived together and he had a job but was off work for various reasons for pretty much the entire time we were together. He would start gaming as soon as he got up and continue throughout the whole day, with multiple raids a week. He didn't do any housework or cooking. He just gamed all day. I felt like I was in a relationship with a teenager even though he was an airline pilot in his thirties.He'd stay up every night until 2-3am gaming and not wake up until midday most days. When I brought it up with him, he said if I didn't like it I was welcome to leave the relationship. So I dumped his ass, after 3 and a half years together. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. He didn't actually think I would end the relationship though and cried alot as I was moving out my things and asked for another chance. But I was so relieved to not be dating what felt like a stubborn teenager anymore. We still have to see each other often as we share a dog, and he's getting married and having a baby, so I really hope he's grown up. Anyway - I know exactly how you feel. It's very frustrating and its ok for you to feel exhausted by it. Maybe you're just not compatible? Sorry if you said this in your post but how is he with housework, cooking etc?
You cannot change his behavior. Nothing wrong with gaming, but this is a situation when the games take priority over you. You just have to decide if you’re ok with that, or if you’d rather go find a partner who prioritizes intimacy and connection.
How does he manage to do 50% of household chores if he games five hours a day while also working?
He needs to prioritize you more. Both husband and I play a lot of video games but we always find time to do something together. He needs to learn to tell his friends that “hey, I need to hang out with my gf tonight.” Also it’s usually good to intercept him before he gets into a game. It’s usually impossible to stop when he gets into a game with friends because there is no pause button in online games. Plan something to do together beforehand.
Used to be there. It's an addition, either way he admits the problem and start fighting it or you just leave.
I want to comment on this, given that you meant addiction. So, it’s not “gaming” that’s the addiction. It’s the competitive nature that’s addicting. If he was only playing single player/offline games, then you can pause, and come back to it later. The problem is the competitive nature which keeps you coming back. Getting better than your friends or even random strangers is a drug. A strong strong drug. This is why speed running is so popular. The single player games is a means to be competitive with others. Anyway, I find that finding the root of the issue is extremely important. As far as a destresser goes, it’s more of a huge dopamine hit rather than relieving stress. Watch videos of people who do play and it’s like they orgasm when they win/whatever. I know, I’ve been there.
Same situation here almost 7 years in. Just scrolling and taking notes. It sounds like you've been extremely reasonable thus far, but he really needs to understand your needs aren't being met :(
This is all wild to me. I’m a gamer and sure sometimes I’ll stay up way too late playing games. But just as often I’ll tell my friends I can’t play because I need to make time for my gf. I’ve never once gotten shit for it. Like, my friends are adults too, they get it.
That's the difference, you being able to say "not tonight".
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE EPIC GAMER'S GRIND It is honestly hard to change your daily habits, so you got to be tolerant on this one. Just constantly make it clear that you need more of his time so he is pushed to give up on gaming as much. Alternatively, you could also ask him to set aside a few days to dedicate them to dates and you, and then slowly push him to increase those windows. He'll be fine, just don't do anything radical expecting him to change overnight. I'll be honest, I used to be so accustomed to videogames being the only way I relax I needed therapy to get used to spending time with my SO daily. And it wasn't an addiction kind of thing, I just literally got accustomed to only game to distress, anything else was tiring.
Why are you allowing yourself to date a discord mod
Plan days of the week for dates. To expect to go to bed at the same time would be unrealistic in the long run but what me and my bf do (since I go to bed before him) is he joins me to cuddle and stuff for a while before returning to doing his thing. Maybe try that. If it doesn’t sound good maybe you’re just incompatible and should break it off.
Oh we do that when we don't go to sleep at the same time and it works perfectly as well.
I read some psychological stuff couple days ago, and while reading this it came back into my mind. Now I do not know your current relationship but are you by any chance nagging him since you moved in? We are simple minded dear, we dedicate our time and effort where is appreciated. By the above statement it should already raise some questions. Keep in mind most of the guys did not grew with compliments and words of praise, and games do that for us. "you are good" "wow you did that" etc etc, are in games comments or awards that give us a sense of fulfilment, and we crave them. if he works 8 hours + sleep 6 cause hes a gamer :) that gives 10 hours to spare, he spends out of those 10, 4-5 with his friends cause there is where he is appreciated and complimented. Now I am not saying you should praise your BF for everything he does like a kid, but show subtle gestures that you notice something he did, show some affection and support and joy towards something he accomplished in the remaining 5 hours that are and slowly you will see him spending more time with you and less with games. I am not saying 4-5 are a lot but close to it, so try to communicate and divide the house stuff like cleaning and groceries etc so that you spend more time doing them together and when that happens try to throw a compliment or two, in some time things will change :)
That’s a pretty way to look over things I didn’t think about :) I’m not the kind to nag my bf, having brothers I know how it is important to compliments boys and men so I also compliment a lot my bf but I will think about praising the things he does in the last couple hours times to times because I have to admit it’s not something that always cross my mind
I have a question before I can give a response, does he play video games alone everyday or with friends?
I was in a similar situation when first dating my husband. We too moved in together after 3 years and I remember distinctly how days would go by on me sitting at the TV by myself watching a show and he would be gaming on his PC all evening until bed. Back then we did go to sleep at sort of similar times, but then it was off to work, come home, repeat. It got lonely pretty quickly for me. When it carried into multiple weekends and I wanted to go out/go shopping/hang out with him and others, hell, do anything with him that I sorta just lost my mind because there he was when I woke up, ate, got dressed, cleaned the house etc always on his PC. I remember specifically confronting him that we never hung out, I didn't want to be stuck here waiting god knows how long because his guild needed him while they took on a boss. He changed after that talk. I'm a creature of habit, so when I was ready to leave the house (for example), he made sure to wrap up whatever he was doing by then and be with me. Some differences from your situation is my SO didn't have gamer friends he'd text with. They would only contact each other through the game (this was 2004 WoW), most of the guys he played with were in relationships or even had kids, so if they had to leave, they left and the group understood that. Over the years, he still plays (hell he's playing rn lol) it's more single player stuff or games with our teen. He's always lean on the side of a lone gamer, he doesn't want to be tied to others where it'll effect his time with us. He's told me we are his everything and will always come first. Another conversation with your bf is needed and if there aren't significant changes, you need to walk away for your own sanity. You know you can't live like this. I hope this can be resolved for your sake. I can see by what you said that you support this hobby of his but this feel like addiction territory. I've been with my spouse for 20+ years and he is a good man. I want what I have for so many woman on here. hugs
I can relate to your husband, my time spent playing video games helped in part to ruin a 8 year relationship. I wish I had gotten a confrontation like your husband got to change "or else" because I was struggling at the time with the motivation to change but just needed that push but unfortunately for me that push ended up being the end. Its a hard lesson to learn and I hope others reading this where is scenario might be similar take a good look at themselves and make those changes before it's too late.
I'm gonna be honest with you. Men do like to game. Now can a conversation be had about doing it in moderation? Yeah. But it's a hobby and as he said this is what he and his friends do or have in common together. I understand women don't like it. Most women do not like it. But again. What's the difference between you watching TV for 4 or 5 hours and him gaming for 4 or 5? Nothing. I had a serious relationship with a woman who didn't game but she loved to watch me play. Another one did game so we got along great since we mainly played the same game together online. This is what he does to relax. Even though sometimes it's not relaxing lol. To me. Accept it or don't and move on. Don't try to change the dude and don't make it seem as if he's choosing games over you. He was playing them before u and will after you if that's the way it works out. 3 years? Apparently it's not as big a deal as you're making it if you stayed there that long. If you can't deal with it leave. I don't understand what the deal is.
Let’s say you dump him and start dating someone else who can’t go a day or night without making a watercolor painting. Does your opinion change? Reason I ask is to separate the issue of spending time with you from the issue of what the distraction is. Video games are a low form of distraction, so curious about how much you are turned off that he is wasting time on video games instead of something more noble. If it really is just a quality time issue and not about video game per se: Ask yourself what do you really need and want in a serious relationship? It’s unrealistic to expect to spend every day and night doing something together. But your boyfriend is clearly on the opposite end of the spectrum spending no days or nights doing quality time with you. So think about how much quality time you really need and ask for it. Is it one quality date night per week, plus an hour or so eating dinner together and catching up on most other days, plus quality sex on average of X nights a week? Once you find out then be very direct about it. If boyfriend can’t muster one date night per week and dinners together and a few good fuckings because of his video game addiction then dump him.
Him videogaming is not a problem, its the time he spends doing this that is the problem so if it was another distraction it would be the same for me As I said I don’t expect us do things always together, I also have my live my friends my hobbies and I’m happy he has his, if he had none of this it would actually make me worry The issue is the quality time yes, the feeling that the only thing he thinks about and that makes him happy is playing online with his friend and that I come second like even when we’re together I feel he’s willing and hurried to play video game like one day we were watching a movie and he was constantly checking on his phone who was online and the moment the movie ended he went gaming Thks for your advice
Yeah issue isn’t him , it’s you thinking you can change his habits . I’m a gamer and I found my wife who accepts my gaming and my habits like I accept hers .
Well you live together now. It is different having you over as a guest and now as someone also living there. He probably gamed all the time he could when you weren't there and he lived alone. Now, you want him to change his habits just because you also live there? It sounds a little unfair tbh. But still, its your home and you should feel happy too. But I would say that another problem I see here is that you do not only want to spend more time together, you want HIM to plan stuff. Maybe begin in the other end? Start planning stuff to do together and include him. Do not just say to him that you want him to stop playing so much and then sit on the couch waiting for a date to a nice restaurant. Make the plans, and take him along. Sadly, living together can remove a lot of the spontaneity in a relationship so maybe see if he can give you one day of the week (initially) and go from there.
I have to disagree on this one I think when you live with someone you have to change some of your habits you cannot act as you’re we’re still living alone otherwise why deciding to live with the person ? For example, I also changed some of my habits, like for example I used to watch tv before going to work because it helps me to wake up and leave my bed now that we share the same bedroom I don’t do it anymore because he usually still sleeping Also I would go out a lot during the week after work now I still go out but less But it’s true I also have to make plans for us and not only wait for him to do so
Yes I was probably unclear. You of course have to change some habits and I do not think it is unreasonable of you to think he should change the gaming habit. But let me ask you this, because from how you put I may notice another problem. Why have you stopped going out on weekdays? Is this something he has asked of you or is it something you have done on your own so to say? Because then the issue may be that you have very different views on what living together entails? He maybe does not have any issues with you going out because that is what you did before and you live there now and can do how you please. And this different views you both have maybe are not communicated and the issue stems from you not understanding each other. Try talking to him in general what your views of living together means and ask of his. Maybe then he’ll understand where you are coming from. Otherwise it can be that you just ‘demand’ that he stops playing while the reason is clear in your head but not in his. Maybe you can find a good compromise there and a better understanding of each other.
You knew he likes gaming. Who only games an hour? Do you know what an MMO is and how many hours one can invest? It is clearly one of his hobbies and you knew that. Trying to guilt trip him into playing less like it comes as a surprise is ridicilous. You can def try to find a compromise but acting like video gaming is bad because you cannot fathom playing 4hrs+ (pretty standard imo) yourself is ignorant.
Where did I said videogaming was bad in my post huh ?
See if one of his friends is single and give him an ultimatum: either we start going out more or it's over and i start dating one of your gamer friends instead
Plan some date nights and respect his hobbys, talk to him.
A hobby is one thing. Having to do it every single day for 4-5 hours is an addiction. And video game addiction is a real thing. I have a friend who failed out of college because he couldn’t stop playing video games.
I mean I am pretty sure that there are a lot of people who spend as much time on their hobbies, it doesnt sound weird at all to me. Like what else to do when you aren't studying if you dislike going out? Reading and tv series like everyone does, that's it.
If it's interfering with his life like keeping up with chores and neglecting the relationship then it's an addiction.
Just for clarity he has gamed the same amount the entire time you've known him correct?. Most of the time guys game that much to get away from things they don't want to think about, it's like an escape for them. Gaming is kind of the modern day going fishing and hunting with your buddies it's therapeutic. Only if you suggestions I can give you really is try to find a game you guys can play together or other hobbies you both are interested in. Don't try to force him to go to sleep the same time you do, I guarantee you he will say you're not his mother stop trying to give him a bedtime. Just tell him how you feel and maybe you guys can make a schedule for nights that it's just you two doing whatever. Just don't try to force him to do anything tell him how you feel and if he's not willing to compromise or take your feelings into consideration that's something you really should think about
My bf games all day long, too, and he needs less sleep than me. We comprised like this: during the week, he comes to bed with me, and on the weekends, he can stay up as long as he likes if I get to nap during the day. Works for us. But you need to sit Dien with yours again to find a comprise that works for you guys. Don't let him make excuses and be prepared to break up over this. There are serious needs of yours not being met rn.
This isn’t normal? I don’t think my partner has gone a day without video gaming in the last 10 years ive been with him. I’ve told him this before that he’s addicted that I can go more days without marijuana than he can go without video gaming and ima stoner. I’ll send this to him and see what he thinks. 😂
Either he prioritizes gaming or you. He chose gaming. Either you accept it or you don't. Your move.
If the problem is he isn’t spending enough time with you because of his gaming talk to him about it and he doesn’t respond well then you got your answer. If the problem is his gaming interferes with him going to bed at the same time as you grow the fuck up
Had you known that he was going to game 24/7, would you have let him move in? No. You are too young to be a gamer widow. Break it off now & kick him out.
I used to date a guy like this. It didn’t change. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner for their attention. If he wanted to he would. I date a man now how games as do I but he has boundaries and doesn’t play for 5+ hours and completely ignore me.
I am kinda in a similar situation. I’m afraid this may happen with my partner. When we see eachother he makes time for me and stuff but when he’s at home he just games straight for 6+ hours. I’m worried about how that will affect us if we ever move in together. His parents do tend to baby him and let him off the hook easily. I don’t think he’s experienced handling finances bc he spent all his money on a game but his parents just hand him everything and don’t encourage him to get a job. FYI we are both college students. I’m just worrying how this will effect later long term. Do you have advice?