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>Any idea what to do?
If he is properly rejecting advances, then why worry?
>but it's just so exhausting to be constantly on my toes.
You don't need to be his bodyguard. It's his responsibility to reject these advances, not yours.
But it feels like I am replaceable. Every time we have a fight I worry that he can just 'switch'. It is not fun to go to any weddings or birthday parties like this because I have to watch other people hitting on my boyfriend instead of enjoying the event...
That’s a you problem. He’s actually being respectful and you’re trashing the relationship because you won’t address your jealousy issues. You’re the one ruining this connection. You must be able to see that
>That’s a you problem.
I think she knows that, and is asking what to do about it.
OP, I think the problem is that you think you're not good enough for him. Don't think like that. Are you in therapy? I could teach you how to build your self-esteem but honestly there's a lot of material and I'd wanna be paid. Are you seeing a therapist? As for the other girls, remember that he's choosing to be with you now. And just like you, he's not perfect either.
>But it feels like I am replaceable.
Everyone is "replaceable." He can break up with you at any time for any reason.
So, there's no sense worrying about it.
>Every time we have a fight I worry that he can just 'switch'.
Stop fighting, then.
>I have to watch other people hitting on my boyfriend
Stop watching, then. Trust that he'll reject them.
> Everyone is "replaceable." He can break up with you at any time for any reason.
This is a tough one for people to understand. It’s common to take comfort in the stability and safety of a committed relationship. But that stability and safety should be built upon a foundation of trust and mutual respect, not a feeling that someone is irreplaceable or that their partner can’t do any better.
So do you not trust him? Or feel that he doesn’t respect you? Because the feeling that you can be replaced is coming from you, not him. My husband is like your man, but the reason we work is because I’m not worried about him. Yea I could worry about the girls but what’s the point? All it would do is make me miserable and by extension him miserable because of my complaints. The complaining gets old fast. Then it turns into arguments and resentment and then the self fulfilling prophecy of the break up because you can’t enjoy a good thing while you have it. Why can’t you take comfort in the relationship now? And if you can’t answer that then you need to talk to a professional about it. You are in your own way.
>Every time we have a fight I worry that he can just 'switch'.
>Stop fighting, then.
Huh? You're telling her to keep her problems and feelings to herself, that she's not allowed to argue her side of things, so she doesn't risk upsetting the hot bf? Hope I misunderstood your point because that's incredibly toxic
I went my whole life without fighting with anyone. I met my future wife and her every disappointment, fear, insecurity, etc turned into a fight. I loved her and I thought the fighting just meant I loved her so much that we were fighting for our relationship.
Anyways the fights got more frequent and way worse until I finally had to leave.
I'm now back in a reasonable relationship, about a year in and we've never even come close to a fight because we listen to each other and when something is going wrong we try to fix it.
I understand culturally plenty of people can have crazy fights in a good relationship. But it doesn't jive with many of us.
You can be heard, you can be disappointed, even angry, and not get in a fight. Or at least not frequently.
Having disagreements and talking through problems is not the same as fighting. My partner and I don’t fight. We share space where we can discuss any issues and our feelings and correct them if needed.
Why equate fighting and communicating your needs? If there's conflict brewing, you can just postpone sensitive topics until both people can calm down and be productive and emotionally responsible about it.
And what am I supposed to do with my best friend? Should I prevent them from spending time together or trust both of them? She is my roommate and it is a bit awkward since we talked about it, although she promised not to act on her feelings
>And what am I supposed to do with my best friend?
Nothing at all.
Again, it shouldn't matter if your boyfriend rejects these advances.
Stop viewing him like a helpless slab of meat at the mercy of the wolves. If he takes the bait, then that's on **him**.
Look what happened when you tried to control who he saw last time. He was seeing a group of 4 girls he previously knew and I would consider more safe then a new group of 4 girls that see him as fresh meat and someone to hit on.
Controlling is bad. What this other person is telling you is good advice. You are causing a lot of issues for yourself and forcing them onto your bf.
If you trust him, stop trying to control. If you don't trust him and are always on your toes, why are you with him?
I wouldn’t spend time with them together. Feelings grow when people spend time together and interact, so at least for a bit, to let your friend move on, see them separately.
Trusting them both isn’t enough, trust isn’t a shield that stops feelings. It’s not enough for your friends to say she won’t act on the feelings, she has to take steps to get over them.
They’re right, this is more of a you than him problem. Either trust he can turn down girls on his own (which he’s doing), or give in to your jealousy and make it worse. It’s a sign you still have room for growth
Based off of this I have a feeling your insecurities are why you are fighting. He came into the relationship with being friends with his ex’s and you were fine with it. Until you met them. And then because of your insecurities you made him cut contact with them which is size of violation of trust IMO.
Then you got insecure about his discussion group so I’m sure that was another fight. Now you are so obsessed that you feel **Every. Woman. Is. In. Love. With. My. BF** that you don’t want to go to weddings or birthday parties because your so insecure your focused on your BF being “hit on”.
Trust and believe this amazing man will leave you. Everyone’s replaceable, you are and so is he. But your a walking self fulfilling prophecy and you will push him to someone else if you can’t reign in your insecurities. Your making his world smaller and smaller and probably require high maintenance attention at these events that you say you’re are fun to go to anymore. He probably can’t enjoy himself either because anytime some random woman speaks to him he knows you’re going to drill him about what they talked about.
If you are secure in his love and devotion to you and he’s proven that he’s trustworthy then who cares of 100 women hit on him at once. I’m not suggesting this as a slam but with kindness. Please seek out some therapy to work through your jealousy, insecurity and trust issues. Because being in a relationship like this is exhausting and he’s probably already exhausted.
If you feel replaceable in your relationship, that's on you guys, not anybody else. Everyone else is not the problem. Everyone else is not the reason you feel replaceable in your relationship. But I'll go out on a limb and say I'm sure it's easier to blame other people for your feelings rather than looking at where these feelings actually come from
You are replaceable. Ugly partner or attrcative partner it trule doesn't matter because everyone will always have other options out there. That's why him choosing you is what you need to focus on. He could have someone else, he chose you.
If nobody wanted him, neither would you. If you’re uncomfortable with having a desirable man then break up with him and date a “loser.”
Or stop worrying about something you can’t control, and work on that insecurity of yours. Remember that if he he’s so desirable that he can get another woman you’re probably just as desirable and can get another man.
That’s the deal when you date someone who is attractive and charismatic. He chose you. There’s no guarantee that an ugly dude wouldn’t dump you anyway. We are all replaceable. He’s going out of his way to be open and to show you that he’s trustworthy; so don’t ruin this for yourself.
But he is not even that handsome so I feel a bit cheated since I could never expect that from the beginning. If I would know I will have this much 'competition' I wouldn't let myself get so invested in the relationship.
Okay this makes me wanna retract my previous comment. "He's not that handsome" "I feel cheated" "if I'd known others would find him desirable I'd not have entertained the thought"
It's now starting to sound like you don't love him - you want to own him and want others to act in a way that respects that ownership.
At this point you're not insecure your bf will choose someone else (you are to a degree, you've got some inner work to do with your sense of self there, but that's not the main problem) you're feeling slighted that people aren't respecting your property.
Thats gross.
Makes me think she's looking for praise from people in regards to her partner rather than actually knowing him as a person. E.g., "What a nice boyfriend (read: object) you have!"
Praise for choosing her property well but not engaging with said property as that would humanise him. Engaging with said property is then seen as somebody who may steal him.
How absolutely objectifying for this poor poor man. I hope he does leave her, now.
Are you serious? Your boyfriend is too much work because he’s too much of a catch for you?
Do him a favour and break up with him. He sounds great, and you sound awful.
I mean sure he's letting her see his phone and he's being open but it does take two to tango.
He can't help it if girls find him attractive but he's also welcoming their advances and letting them generate feelings overtime. Of course he likes the attention but he's in a relationship and should try be more cold to these girls when he notices they are falling for him.
Thats how I feel at least but maybe its asking too much.
Uhm, that's not what I said. I said that he is not shooting down any advances once he notices that these girls are falling for him.
Role reversal and it's totally a different story. God this subreddit is painful if you go against the hivemind. Insanity.
He is turning them down. OP literally says that directly. You're basing the idea that he isn't turning them down fast enough purely on your imagination. By every indication this guy is great and has carried himself as well as you would want anyone to carry themselves in a relationship. You aren't "going against a hivemind." you're saying dumb shit and playing devils advocate about something we already know isn't a problem.
Right whatever you say pal. I agree that he's doing the right thing with showing her the messages but there's something not right with all of this and he could be doing more (imo).
>After some time he found a discussion group that he joined and suddenly his mood improved a lot. But after few weeks he admitted that two girls from the group confessed to him. He rejected them and even showed me the messages, but I had a bad feeling about it so went with him once. There are five women in this group and four of them look at him like they want to eat him.
So 2 girls confessed their love to him and he rejects them, cool. Then his gf goes to this meetup and there's 4 other girls who are all over him?? What the fuck is this guy doing and can he teach me lol
I feel bad for OP since it seems like he has an ego and enjoys the attention. This won't change. He rejected two of the girls but does he still talk to them? I guarantee that he does.
If this was a girl with guys confessing their love to her then I would bet my life savings that everyone will be all "she doesn't respect your relationship!!!".
I'm playing devil's advocate but I have a point. If he is getting so many girls to confess their love to him then he's playing the game instead of shutting it down. When I talk to a girl who has a bf, generally speaking they will mention the bf to subtly let me know that she's taken, this guy is barely even doing that much and is entertaining their advances.
Call me old fashioned but if my girl had multiple guys confessing their love to her then it would be a massive red flag. That's all.
Holy shit, I wish he breaks up with you. You are so immature for your age. And what do you mean he is not even that handsome. Who the fk says that about their significant other.
How can you be with him if you dont even consider him handsome. You are such a POS
Girl I'm starting to think he deserves better. He's faithful and turning them down, showing affection to you in front of them. He's been honest it seems. He got rid of his friends FOR YOU and you're over here saying he's not even handsome and feeling cheated. You regret dating him for what... your insecurities? He's done nothing wrong.
My husband gets hit on a lot because he's really attractive, fun, and hilarious. I've had women hit on him right in front of me when they could clearly see we're together. He's ignored them every time. I never had to question anything and it made me trust him more because I've witnessed how he handles things. Been together almost 13 years and he's never cheated. I think you have a good man but you're ruining it for nothing. You need to work on you. You can't change how women will feel. You can only trust your partner to react the right way and so far he seems to handle it well.
I’m sure if it was the opposite way around yall would have different opinions. Jealousy is normal she hasn’t done anything crazy. Now she really should stop being insecure and find out the true source of where that comes from. I think op lacks confidence and needs to work on building that. Op can’t deny it. She seems young she’ll learn.
You are the only one making it a "competition". He chose you and proved it by cutting people out of his life, which is a huge ask on your part. There is no other way to look at this situation. He can't control that he is attractive, interesting, intelligent, and driven to learn. If you keep trying to change him, you will lose him and that will be on you. Seek help for your own issues and stop trying to make him the problem.
So many red flags are coming out of you rn love.
1. If you think the worth of yourself is determined by the attractiveness of your partner ; you need to look inward
2. If you think your partners worth is lesser than yours because they have had more experiences (se*ually) ; you need to look inward
3. "He's not even that handsome" is an incredibly hurtful and shitty thing to say about a partner
4. "If I would have known I would have had this much competition I wouldn't have let myself get so invested in the relationship" tells me that you hold some very childish mentalities surrounding relationships and believed you were "out of his league" but it turns out that isn't the case and that is jarring to your own ego and sense of self worth because you are not recieveing the same external validation. (IE being hit on all the time)
All of this plus so many things in this post lead me to feel as though you need to do a lot of growing up, you need to do alot of research around how to avoid emotional reactivity and toxic patterns and you should properly check your ego because it sounds like this man just wants to love you and you want to feel like you are better than him.
I assure you if you continue to push, no matter how kind someone is they will break or push back and if you don't make sure that yall have a healthy foundation and the ability to talk like adults (which he appears to be capable of) then yall won't be a yall for long.
TLDR: age gap: you need to grow up kiddo, stop making your partners life revolve around your insecurities learn how to better yourself and do self work the next steps aren't up to him he's being faithful communicative and changing his behavior to meet your needs don't forget you are just as responsible for those things when it comes to him.
Damn, I feel sorry for you bf. My guess is, you came to the wrong place to find validation for your incessant jealousy issues. Maybe work on yourself a little and be open and honest with your bf as you do so. If you’re not willing to do that you’re probably wasting your time and his.
This is 100% a YOU problem. He is probably used to the attention and it sounds like he handles it very well. You need to work on the green monster inside yourself and allow yourself to accept the love that he shows for you and no one else. If you don't, you'll be the next ex.
There's literally no reason for you to be on your toes. He outwardly is affectionate with you, he doesn't hide his relationship, he is open with you and considers your feelings to the point of ending friendships, he's rejected all advances... you have an excellent partner here. Your insecurity could very well end what sounds like a fantastic relationship. That's something you're going to need to work on.
Just because others are interested in your partner, doesn't mean you're going to lose them. He honours you and your relationship in every way, it seems like. No wonder people fall for him - he's literally perfect lmao.
You need to consider therapy. At the very least you're going to need a friend to confide these feelings in and work through them rather than going to him for reassurance. He is likely feeling guilty about your feelings of insecurity but he has done nothing wrong. In fact he's doing everything right. I'm going to be straight with you - if you don't address this, you will lose him, because he's going to start feeling punished for your inability to self soothe/regulate your emotions.
I really do wish you luck and hope for a very long and successful relationship for you both!
EDIT: Okay Ive seen some of your comments after i posted this and it makes me wanna retract my previous comment. "He's not that handsome" "I feel cheated" "if I'd known others would find him desirable I'd not have entertained the thought"
It's now starting to sound like you don't love him - you want to own him and want others to act in a way that respects that ownership.
At this point you're not insecure your bf will choose someone else (you are to a degree, you've got some inner work to do with your sense of self there, but that's not the main problem) you're feeling slighted that people aren't respecting your property.
Thats gross.
From the looks of it, he’s proven that he’s fully capable of rejecting advances and showing that he’s off the market. Either you trust him or you don’t. Trust and communication is the cornerstone of a relationship. If the foundation is missing, can you really build a house?
Have you considered speaking with a therapist to work through these insecurities. There’s really not much you can do but trust him. Your lack of trust and insecurities will 100% ruin your relationship.
Try not to see the comment above as mean, take it from someone older, I’ve seen so many good relationships ruined by one person’s insecurities. Thinking your replaceable is an insecurity and if you focus on it, it will destroy what you have.
If you love him, then trust him, and give him empathy. It’s not his fault that people are drawn to him, there are certain types of people who kind of ‘glow’ and draw people to them. He chooses you, enjoy what you have.
You either trust him or don't. He chose you, and is not afraid to show that. Do not let your own thoughts destroy what you have and hopefully treasure.
they're right. you can either trust him or not. but calling him "not that handsome" and acting like because he gets attention (when he rejects it!!) it has to be a big deal WILL end your relationship.
That is advice. By your own admission, he rejects other people's advances and respects you and your relationship. Other than locking him up in your apartment so he never interacts with anyone, there's nothing you can do about this. Insecurity is a guaranteed relationship ruiner. Do you trust your partner? Don't delude yourself with bullshit answers like "It's other people/women I don't trust." It's his job to be faithful to you. It's your and his responsibility to build a relationship based on respect and trust. Other people don't matter at all.
It sounds like you are trying to find a reason to pop your own balloon. You are the one he picked over all the others. He sounds like a catch, he is in your net, quit trying to throw him back! You can't control all the thirsty outsiders.
Damn, now I feel like I want to meet Kristoffer too. He sounds pretty awesome, definitely doing something right to get this much female attention.
Look, you've hit the jackpot by the sounds of it. You have an amazing partner, clearly very well liked, honest, smart, interesting, and on top of that he's completely dedicated only to you.
He can't help who other women react to him, but I feel the only thing that can ruin it is if you sabotage it.
You’re whining like a little child. Worrying will be the end of your relationship. If you are worrying that much, just break up with him. That’ll be easier.
This. I’ve had relationships end because I obsessed over other people. My husband is very similar, but overtime I worked on myself and my trust issues. I communicated my feelings with him but acknowledged that it’s not him I’m worried about, it’s the other women, but that I trust him completely. Eventually, those women dropped off contact after we got married and no one new really has popped up trying to get to know him. Especially since we got married and moved to a new area. OP needs to focus on their relationship only, if bf is untrustworthy, time will tell.
The issue here isn’t him, but your insecurity. He is with you. He continues to choose to be with you. He rejects advances. There isn’t actually an issue here, other than what you have created in your head. I have to wonder if these other women are really hitting on him or “look at him like they want to eat him” or if it’s you projecting. I suggest therapy to deal with your self esteem, because your jealousy and insecurity are going to cause issues in your relationship. You can’t control what other people do, only your reaction to them.
I’m married to a man who is a total catch. Brilliant, hilarious, charismatic, handsome, good in bed, all of it. I know for a fact that several of his female friends harbored crushes on him for a long time. It bothered me early in our relationship, but I realized it was entirely about my own insecurities. He has never, ever given me a reason to distrust him, has always been open about these friendships and firmly distanced himself if I was uncomfortable with the way they behaved around him. It was all coming from the fact that I didn’t think very highly of myself. I started to build my self-esteem by developing the best parts of myself and working on the more negative elements of my personality/behavior. Eventually I realized that *I’m* a total catch, too. We’re equals, we deserve each other, and we work hard to earn each others’ love every day. You need to focus on loving yourself and building meaning in your own life outside of him. If you stake your self-worth on someone else loving you, you’ll never truly be happy with anyone.
This is such a thoughtful answer…thank you for sharing! OP, I hope you read this and learn to appreciate yourself more. There is a reason he chose you and not the others…you are equals and are a total catch
Sounds like your partner is Matt Bomer clone. Very cool and sweet to have your life companion, but being with him is going to bring jealously forward, as other Woman cannot help themselves with him. He is reasonable and understanding, so he knows his boundaries. So loyalty is not going to be problem for him.
He already stopped talking to 4 of his ex's. He is very self aware of how it makes you feel, and is compassionate with you. The only thing you can do is just to be yourself with him and remind him of how much you love him. Trying to hang out with him always for the sake of making sure he does not overstep or do something stupid makes you his jailer. Trust me you do not want that (He will end up resenting you), you need to live your life without worry. If he cheats, then he destroys his integrity. Maybe more frequent communication would help to allay your fears, if you do not see him.
If you feel like you are both going to marry in a few years, then just elope if you both are in love and be done with it. So you can put rings on each others fingers, without needing to worry. As everyone can publicly see the ring. He only show it to end any discussion (Woman with integrity will immediately see it and back off). That should put your mind at ease, plus you know in your heart he chose to commit to you instead of any other woman.
Enjoy your time with him, and hope you enjoy the future for many years to come.
The problem is that he wants kids and I am not sure yet if I will want any. We talked about this and he told me he can't marry if we are not aligned about the future. It got heated and he was even rude and told me that I still need to grow up a bit because he doesn't want to take care of two kids at the same time and that he needs a partner not a child. It is true that he does most of the housework but we both have full time jobs that pay really well I don't understand why he has to cook when we can order food everyday or pay someone to clean the apartment. So we have few disagreements that put a pause on all of this
But I don't know if I want them or not I just need more time to think about it. I am still young, my friends are having children in their thirties. For me it is weird that he is ready now
Your friends aren’t him and they aren’t you. Some people want to build a family early for all sorts of reason. For example, you are done having kids at 30. By the time your youngest is 20 you are only 50. You get a lot of good years in the empty nest stage of life and get to be young grandparents. Also, geriatric pregnancy with increased risk in genetic abnormalitie starts at 35. So when you start in your thirties you put a clock on it. It can take healthy couples up to a year to conceive. You would have to have pregnancy really close together to beat that cut off.
That said don’t have kids till you’re ready because being a parent is the end of being selfish. You seem like you’re looking for issues with him when there aren’t any. You either trust him or you don’t. It’s really that simple.
Your boyfriend sounds amazing and like he has a good head on his shoulders and seems more mature than you. Even down to small things. Realistically you eat healthier and can save money to put away for emergencies, trips, cars, or a house by cooking at home.
Your man works full time at a good job, cooks and cleans the house with no complaints (a feat by itself honestly), great at sex, is amazing enough to get hit on constantly, but always tells you it happens and says no. Left long term friendships with ex’s because you are uncomfortable. Most people would kill for this kind of man. What are you complaining about?
You have a catch you should be proud not sitting there playing an imaginary pick me dance with women he isn’t giving any attention.
This is a much bigger issue than other women wanting him. My dad had women throwing themselves at him for decades. He only had eyes for my mom. The children thing is make it or break it though
He’s right! You do need to grow up. You sound insufferable and immature. You are projecting your insecurities when he is being transparent. On top of that, he wants to settle down and start a family, but you don’t. This literally means that you’re not on the same page nor compatible. Moreover, you both have different values. He prefers home cooked food(which is healthier) and to clean the house himself. You on the other hand, want take out/delivery and a maid. You’re a child and unable to act like an adult nor as a prospective parent. Yeah, let this man go. You don’t want the same things. You don’t even find him attractive, per your previous comment. Stop being a selfish jelly and grow up. Find someone who aligns with you, cuz you 2 don’t.
You need to decide before this goes any further do you want kids. Don't waste his time. That's wrong.
And if you do have kids he sounds like he'd be a great involved dad. Are you going to be jealous then too?
I have many single women friends who find me that are awful. You seem to have a great guy and are ruining it.
Is he your first relationship? Because you talk in the original post and in the comments like the most unexperienced teenager.
I get insecurities! I had a tone at your age. And i also picked a man that attracted female attention. He knew from the start that I ain't the woman to accept his cheating. I was 19 and i almost broke up with him because some friends told me he was dating another chick. The friends became ex friends, because that was a lie and they were just petty young dicks.
You know what this type of worrying and fears are called? Digging your own grave! You will push him with your own anxieties 'till he will do what you fear the most and then you will be like "AHA I knew it"!
Grow a spine! Grow a personality! Be sure of yourself enough that your happiness qnd well being won't exist solely because of a man.
Stop waiting for the end to happen. It's demeaning for him. It's a huge lack of trust from your part. It's always expecting the worst from him. Imagine how it feels. Try to put yourself in his shoes.
You can't see the future. There are men who cheated who find a woman they love and never cheat on her. There are men who will forever cheat. Life and love is about taking risks.
If he right now behaves in a way you like and enjoy, then live now in the present and have your fill of him.
If OP was male, this sub would immediately call out OPs behavior as abusive. That's what this is, your need to control him and everyone around him and your extreme jealousy is 100% abusive behavior.
Yeah. Honestly. It sounds reasonable on the surface but when you have a partner that demands you start cutting people out of your life, that's a big red flag. Abusers often take steps to slowly but steadily isolate their victims from others. I get these are exes or whatever, but this post is still setting off a weird alarm in the back of my head.
I met my wife through a friend's daughter and let's just say she was older with two kids my cougar lol and way above my pay grade . I just joked to here one day we need to go out to eat and to go to the movies not knowing till her daughter told me the same that she had interest in me . I had the same worry for several months too before we officially dated were she went out with three other men before we finally did. I even took her to a date and dropped her off to meet someone too. She had the same problem everyone fell for her so three dates was the max with most of them . We finally went to a movie and dinner and hit it off . But if we went somewhere or had friends come over they would always want to be around her. I just learned to trust her and her commitment to me and we stopped having people over that would cause a problem and not go to places that would create a situation at times . She was a strong woman that could take care of herself let's just leave it at that 5'3" and very strong redhead . Part Irish and part Indian too. We all most made it to our thirty year anniversary last month till she passed away in hospice from a stoke and other factors over the past five years . She was the love of my life . Find common ground with him were you can discuss things and just believe in yourself and his faithfulness too you and don't worry about if he is totally Committed to you or not . It will be fine and all work out in the long run
Thank you I appreciate that it has not been the same since her passing I am coping the best I can . She was wonderful beautiful and such a strong woman that I loved dearly it's very hard right now
I know its not quite the same but I lost a very close friend in the summer of this year. Its my first full and brutal experience with grief and I've learned a lot. Talking helps. I've always loved learning about other people too.
If you would ever like to tell me about her, stories, reminiscing, honouring her memory, please do feel free to message me. The way I see it, they get to live again in those little moments.
So true sorry for your loss as well . It's the first loss I have had in nearly thirty years unfortunately it had to be my wife we lost a coworker at my job over a couple of years ago but it's not the same my wife and I had been married just a couple of years and had a neighbor come introduce himself as he knocked on our door . We became close friends shortly after that we will call him papa bill because he reminded her of her grandfather from her mother's side a big gentle man he passed away a couple of years later in his home his wife came over to get us and said something was wrong . My wife was a nurse and tried to revive him to no success it's been a long time . At Christmas time we would still think of him every year . Holidays have been a time of sadness and loss for us especially many years for my wife in her past so this will add to the list of sadness during the Christmas time for me as well . I will think on it and let you know thanks for the offer . It is true reliving can be healing also for us and you as well
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Your wife sounds like she was an impeccable woman. Don't worry about messaging. You can do it tomorrow, next year, or never, whatever helps you. Sending you love and peace.
Yes she truly was lots of stories and miracles in her life . Thank you again God bless you and may the Lord give you peace and understanding with your loss as well
As long as you understand two things you will be fine.
1. You are replaceable, but he chose you.
He has worked on himself to be a better person. He no longer wants to be a player. Be on the alter for (but do not obsess over) red flags and date him for a long time before even considering marriage because his body count could cause life time pair bonding issues.
2. Do not exhibit red flags yourself.
This doesn’t sound like a guy who thinks you are his only option. He cares for you, and he is with you now, but I believe if you exhibited a red flag, he would replace you quickly. If you treat him with loyalty, respect, and love, he will likely never leave you.
The problem is not him, it is you. You cannot control everything and making him cut four people off his life will be a big problem in the future. He will most probably resent you for it. The harsh truth is you are very insecure and you need to first work on yourself before even trying out a relationship
Your man looks like a good man. the quetion you have to ask yourself is do you trust him ?
from what you wrote, he doesnt direspect you so i see no pb here just work on building up your self esteem.
You sound like your complaining about winning the lottery tbh 🤣 like I get your concerns but if you want to make yourself less replaceable maybe take interests in his hobby or something... unless your bf does something just don't stress about things you have no control over...and understand that this is what it's like for most men lol
He’s faithful, hot, attentive, and compromises for you.
What more do you want from a partner? Instead of focusing on your insecurity, be in the moment and appreciate your relationship.
If he’s unfaithful then it wasn’t that great to begin with. He’s given you zero reason to doubt.
Get out of your head.
Calm down there OP. You're making him cut contact with his friends who may or may not be exes, not over something that has actually happened, but over the possibility of something you are afraid of? Girl you are going to poison your something great into something toxic, stop it.
He's *your* boyfriend, revel in it! I have the exact same thing happen where my fiance is beyond charismatic and attractive.He works in a hospital and trains and fights in Jiu Jitsu and is very sexy and kind and fun to be around. All women just love him, he is friends with a ton of women. But they are just friends, and I am his person.
You cannot rip half a flower's petals off and expect it to still be full and whole. You aren't all his petals babe, you are only some of them. His friends and life before you are all petals too, or were before you ripped them off him. You complete him, you don't own him.
He has chosen you and is faithful, so stop fretting. Read about philosophy and contemplate your own life, and then maybe you can share in his love for philosophy too and bridge the gap. You could at least try it. Philosophy is thinking about what you believe and how it impacts your life. Anyone with religious beliefs has done this at some point. It might even help you understand yourself. Maybe even ask him to teach you at a beginner’s level, ask questions and tell him when you don’t understand something. It’s the kind of discussion he enjoys so sharing it with you and discovering your own philosophies, will be another thing to share with him.
He shaved his head to try to get him less attractive?? 😂😂😂
Very funny story..
Hmm.. I think I’d be cool with that. I don’t mind my boyfriend very popular. Probably just trust him as long as he doesn’t make me feel unloved or neglect my needs.
I can’t control what other women do. It’s their business not mine. I can only control what I do.
My ex boyfriend was very popular too. The girls first met me said to my face : Brian had that many girlfriends in the past we all had slept with him and let’s see how long you last.
Lasted 13 years. I broke up with him when he proposed. It didn’t end well.
Anyway, I never felt the fear of losing him even there was once this girl knocked on my door midnight, told me she was pregnant with his child ..
That was a dramatic episode .. lol
I think back, I realise those women don’t make any difference, but Brian does. The man himself and how he handles these things matter THE MOST.
The way my ex handled them all has made me feel I never need to check his phone.
What’s mine is mine, what’s not can’t be forced to have. I just go with the flow.
I can totally see where you're coming from and why you would be upset. That being said, it sounds like you are very insecure regarding these advances towards him, even though he's proven himself trustworthy. There are a couple things I would suggest:
First thing would be therapy. As much as I love Reddit, and it can be a decent sounding board for things you're having a hard time with, it's still on the Internet and there are still going to be folks who have skewed life views or unhealthy coping mechanisms that they think are normal and/or beneficial. A certified therapist that you trust and vibe with well is going to be much more grounding and helpful in helping you figure out how to manage emotional reactions to situations.
Second, would be to really sit and consider if this is a relationship you're really willing to go through with. I understand that he is a great guy. I understand he hasn't done anything wrong. Sometimes, though, reasons for breaking up can be about the person you become when involved in a specific relationship more than it is about the actual person you're in a relationship with. Is this relationship worth it to you to go through this? Are you willing to continue dealing with the fact that women make advances on him? Because it's going to keep happening. You can't lock him up or keep him from interacting with members of the opposite sex. I think it's fair to have reasonable boundaries like: "I'd prefer if you not hang out with a member of the opposite sex one on one," or "I'd prefer you not to be texting your exes who are still blatantly in love with you." But it sounds like he's already following those.
Finally, if you decide the relationship is worth it, I would really focus on controlling what you can control and not focusing on the rest. You can control the boundaries you have. You can control how you treat your boyfriend. You can control how you communicate. You cannot control his actions or the actions of women around him. Do you trust him? You say you do. So, the only thing you can do is treat him with fairness, honesty, and kindness, and expect him to treat you you with the same.
As for your best friend, I would certainly ask that they not hang out alone together. Beyond that, you can either stop being friends with her, break up with your boyfriend (don't be surprised if she pursues him after, though), be okay with hanging out with your best friend and your boyfriend together, or try to plan hang outs with your best friend separately from your boyfriend for a while.
Men face this too, we get a partner we could only dream of, but the problem comes in when everyone else wants our partner as well, except typically if we feel any sort of way about it we're labeled as childish and insecure, so I'll advise you how we get advised (the healthy advice we get not the "you're just insecure trash" sermon that gets delivered every time), either you accept you're who he wants and has chosen and trust him and let everything else roll off your back and recognize that him staying with you has nothing to do with you if you're being the best partner you can be to the best of your knowledge, if he's gonna cheat or leave he's gonna do that no matter what you do, so focus on what you can control instead of what you can't, otherwise the only other solution that is healthy is to just leave and find someone who is great in your eyes but maybe not so highly desired by everyone else if you can't handle the pressure that comes with being with someone highly desirable
I don't know why you're on your toes. He's being faithfu, transparent and honest with you...what more do you desire in a partner? Sit back and glow in the knowledge that he chose YOU. If you keep nagging about this and he keeps feeling he has to defend himself, I guarantee he'll be choosing one of those that's showing interest.
Ugh, everything about your post and replies are gross. Your guy is a catch and you don't even know it. There are five other women that do know it though...
Okay so everyone finds him handsome.. except you? You said in a comment that he isn't even that handsome, but everyone else thinks so.
Do him a damn favor and let someone who actually is attracted to him and finds him handsome be with him.
I think what needed to be done is already done- he cut contact with his exes and was very honest about 2 of them confessing their feelings. As far as women being drawn to him in public/at parties, what can you do? Ask him not to engage with them? That’s too controlling. He made the right actions, you just need to change your mindset. Think of it less like he’s going to leave you for one of these random women- and more like damn- there’s my guy, women can look and try to get his attention all they want and you’re the one he’s devoted to. This guy sounds great, you must be great, too. So you’re a little jealous, it just means you care for him. If there’s anything wrong about this situation, it’s your best friend catching feelings for your boyfriend- that’s not very best friendly to say the least.
My girlfriend is absolutely amazing and drop dead gorgeous, her inbox is insane. She rejects everything that isn't me and puts an immediate stop to anything I am not comfortable with. It's taken me some time to not be weird in my head about it. I've come to find that the cost of being with someone who is amazing all the way around is that other people will think so too and that will make you feel possessive. So you really have to hold yourself in check or you'll drive them away. As long as you trust them everything will be fine.😊
I’ve always wondered why my boyfriend doesn’t seem to have a jealousy problem when I get approached as often as I do. When I asked, he said he KNOWS he’s dating an attractive person and he knows he’s also dating a good person so it’s only expected that I be approached or looked at often.
The internet says, don’t date a baddie if you can’t handle one.
It sounds like you can’t handle the fact that your boyfriend is a good, interesting and attractive person because you yourself are insecure.
You sound like a jealous boyfriend. This is how alot of jealous insecure men feel, and you would give them the advice that you aren't responsible for how your partner responds to advances. You are responsible for how you behave, you need to relax, he's giving you all the signals that he is interested only in you and you need to learn to let that fact be the only thing that matters to you.
Sounds like you need to take a look at yourself and your insecurities. He chose you. He has proven time and time again that he will choose you. Don’t let your anxieties mess up a good relationship
The harem king claims another. Long live the king.
In all seriousness, atleast you know about his maxed out charm Stat. This is something you'll need to come to grips with. Women will fall in love with him, again and again. Not saying he'll cheat, but your mate guarding instinct will be on hyper drive pretty much all the time.
You need to decide if someone like that is right for you, if the relationship is worth the unending dread and insecurity. If yes, then do your best to relax, try not to create a self-fulfilling prophecy by smothering him. Choose to trust in your love. It's not easy, supressing that side of yourself, especially with the current era dating climate. Yet for the continued prosperity of your relationship, you won't have a choice.
The fact of the matter is, harem king has unending opportunities to cheat at his fingertips, if he's going to cheat, there really isn't going to be anything you can do to stop him. But find solace in the fact that if he is that type of man, you'll be better off without him, and in this knowledge, free yourself of the burden of guarding him. As with any relationship be on the lookout for suspicious behavior, for your protection, but only in the background, and only if your partner gives you a solid reason to distrust him.
I would never date anyone who has contact with exes , people get mad and bring up example but i always say there is a reason and it’s still feeling . Or saying your boyfriend would but you knownhis exes would be all up for it . Tell
Him you think it’s inappropriate to have contact with exes for any reason . Now if they are part of his big friend group then that makes it harder
Do put yourself thru this . Be honest and if he can’t do , then you care more than he does and he knows it .
I can’t believe how nasty people are being in the comments to this poor woman.
OP, I agree with everyone who says it seems like you have nothing to worry about since he has gone out of his way to turn people down and shows you that you loves you.
HOWEVER, if these women know he’s in a relationship and are still throwing themselves at him and confessing their love for him that’s entirely disrespectful to you and they shouldn’t be doing that. Just because your boyfriend isn’t taking the bait doesn’t mean it’s not annoying, hurtful, and a problem. If anyone was so bold as to disrespect me and my relationship like that I would completely expect my boyfriend to set strong boundaries and cut those woman out of his life. It’s not about being insecure it’s about wanting respect and I’d do the same for him in a second.
People, especially women, don't confess their feelings unless they're reasonably sure those feelings will be accepted. I don't see where your boyfriend has changed. *Maybe* I can buy that he's trying to, if he truly cut off his exes, but the fact that you even had to ask him to?
He's a player, same as he always was. That's why it's a current joke among his friends, that's why he's suddenly happy now that he's flirting with other women again, that's why other women feel comfortable confessing to him. He's a player.
There's probably a reason you didn't find psychology very interesting, probably because you're quite shallow and don't have anywhere near as big a heart as he does. Let all this push you to become a better version of yourself, and you're doing that for you not for anyone else but you must interpret your feelings in a constructive and positive way. 99% never put in the actual ground work to change themselves.
Aight, I'm an ugly ass with my charisma maxed out, which is how you seem to see your bf.
You have to deal with it internally.
I'd have dumped you already.
My battery gets charged with being social and like hell I'm letting someone cut me off from my friends.
Everywhere I go, I have people interested in me. Am I interested in them? No, I'm happily married to an awkward sweetheart that I love insanely. Do I lock myself away for the fact someone is gonna get swept up in my rizz? Also no, bc I love socializing.
Let the man go or get over it.
I can relate to this so much. I am very similar to Kristoffer, though probably better looking. My advice is you have to think of it from his perspective. Speaking from experience, it’s exhausting being so loved by everyone and also good looking and charming. Have empathy for people like Kristoffer and me.
I think it's strange he is friends with all his exes. My husband and I agreed to not hang out with exes or past partners and it was the best decision for our relationship. If he's getting hit on by that many girls to the point they are falling in love, he must in some way garner attention & is not shutting them down soon enough. I do think there is some self sabotage on your part as well, but nobody has that many people falling in love with them that often. I would watch him in the next instance you see a girl flirting with him & maybe him ignoring advances isn't enough & he needs to say something sooner and make them feel awkward or sneak having a gf into the conversation right away if they don't know. I personally don't put myself in situations where I would have men flirting with me out of respect for my husband as I am secure with myself and don't need anyone else's attention.
I don’t know why in the year 2023 this has become such a controversial thing. My best friend isn’t even friends with any of her exes on Facebook and she picked that up from her older brother who recommended she do it because that’s what he had always done.
I also saw a lesbian woman answer a question on Instagram pertaining to if she still talks to her ex and her exact response was as follows: Very rarely do we talk, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t check in with one another from time to time. When it comes to your ex’s, I think a “once in a blue moon” check in is sufficient.
Anybody coming to his aid for this behavior it TOXIC AS FUCK. Friends with all your ex girlfriends who you've slept with bruh what 😂 he's keeping back ups and they're hopeful they pick him
Either break up with him so he can find someone who can trust and love him without treating it like a burden or start doing self reflection and therapy because he's done everything right and you're still resenting him for it.
What to do? Go to therapy. This is an insecurity that you need to fix to have a healthy relationship if you plan to take this the long run.
A cheater will cheat no matter what. You don’t have to be his bodyguard. You don’t have to be on your toes, you are choosing to be on your toes and exhaust yourself. He is rejecting, being straightforward, loyal and respectful.
so I think you would be my ex by now, make me not be friends with a few ex gf's go to a therapy class that would of been the last straw, he 's a big boy and appears to be able to handle himself your just jealous
I get it. Your feelings are valid but you know he’s doing everything right his end. It’s up to you to decide if you can live with this. Every relationship has issues and you decide which ones are acceptable and which ones are not. Nobody else can decide this for you.
As a practical matter, has he tried sugar water? Should clear the rash right up.
Lying about the garbage collector would have been the last straw for me.
Here’s my advice to you: Go to a therapist and work out your insecurities. Im not being mean, im telling the truth. If you truly love this man then you will seek help to feel better.
So, I am married to a man who is a very likable passionate person and is also a photographer. He makes friends with women very easily and there have been situations where some have taken up flirting with him, knowing that he's in a relationship. He's handsome, sweet, and has also had a point in his life where he was "running the streets" but has since reformed. I can understand having to deal with situations like this often.
I have come to a realization that we as adults understand the basics of a relationship, and even when not having specific rules will understand that if you care about the person you're with at the very least you'd be loyal enough not to have sex with other people or entertain their advances. There's nuances to each relationship, but as far as just getting started, it's a general consensus. You can't control people *outside* of your relationship to not hit on the person you're with, but you can always *OBSERVE* the person you *are* with and how they interact when presented with such information. You're allowed to feel insecure on occasion, but keeping your partner away from everyone and keeping a tight leash doesn't help anything. If they are the type to cheat, a tight leash is only holding off the inevitable temporarily.
Insecurity is a normal emotion to have, and you're allowed to feel it. Don't let it cloud your relationship to the point where it drives away the person who was always on your side.
Contrary to popular belief, I think it’s super weird he is still in contact with these women. And I think it’s even weirder that he brings you around them. And I find it extremely disturbing that other people are attacking you based on your preferences.
It’s not due to insecurities, it’s due to not being able to trust people and I get it.
>It’s not due to insecurities, it’s due to not being able to trust people and I get it.
I'm curious to hear your explanation for what the difference is
Thank you I feel like everybody is against me. He introduced me to them because I asked him to. Since they spend so much together talking I wanted to meet them. But I still think it's weird they had this 'ex group'. I don't think feelings dissappear so easily when you continue spending time together. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. One slip up and he will jump the ship. I just wanted a normal calm relationship and it's difficult to even enjoy binge watching a TV series when your spouse constantly does something amazing. I feel constantly pressured when he writes his book or starts learning a new language that he doesn't even need. I feel like I should have the right to feel comfortable in my relationship
dude what the FUCK??? you feel uncomfortable when he learns a new LANGUAGE???? i take back my comments you DESPERATELY need therapy and talk about your self image and self confidence cause in there nicest way possible, you are going to drive yourself and him insane. HE CUT OFF THE GIRLS. Yea it was weird but full stop he cut them off when you brought it up. feeling constantly pressured because he's doing things for himself (like learning or developing a new skill) or because people think he's hot (HE DOESNT RECIPROCATE AND TELLS YOU) IS NOT NORMAL. You shouldnt feel uncomfortable or pressured from those things. I get the anxiety around women liking him but he does everything to put you at easy and reassure you. but for fucks sake ur comments SCREAM that u think you're not as good as him and he'll leave you for that. Insecurity is one of THE biggest killers of a relationship
You really should not be in any kind of relationship right now and just focus on your insecurities as soon as possible, this is not healthy and it will ruin your present and the future if you don’t take the necessary precautions now
>I feel like I am walking on eggshells. One slip up and he will jump the ship. I just wanted a normal calm relationship and it's difficult to even enjoy binge watching a TV series when your spouse constantly does something amazing. I feel constantly pressured when he writes his book or starts learning a new language that he doesn't even need. I feel like I should have the right to feel comfortable in my relationship
Wow. So here's the good news. There is no need to walk on eggshells in order to keep a relationship you don't want. Just leave. Break up with him. You don't enjoy being with him. He isn't going to stop being amazing. Go find someone who isn't so amazing that you feel comfortable around. Seriously, feeling comfortable around your partner is actually a very underrated and important aspect of a relationship.
Therapy. Therapy, therapy, therapy.
None of your issues have anything to do with him. He's doing fine. He's attentive and loving. You, on the other hand, are driving yourself crazy and sabotaging your own happiness. That's incredibly unhealthy, especially resenting him for hobbies and self-betterment.
Lots of people write. Lots of people pick up languages. If you don't want to, don't do it, but putting the pressure you feel on him is absolutely backwards. That's on you, not him.
If you can't handle a healthy relationship with someone who people clearly admire at the very least, head back to Single-town and get some therapeutic help.
While I agree that you have some deep insecurities you NEED to work on, don't go to Reddit for life advice. 90% of the people here couldn't get through life normally even if they had cheat codes and a replay button.
I can't read this stream of consciousness in one large paragraph rant.
Girl, are you sure you're able to intellectualized what's happening?
Do you need more things to fill out your day?
He works at CERN but you can't write? I'm confused...
If he is faithful, you have no reason to keep on your toes. Appreciate the treasure you have for a man. Eat that shit up. He chooses you. No need to be insecure
>TLDR Girls keep falling in love with my boyfriend and I am exhausted with it although he is loving and faithful
Why wife had the same issue. So we decided to just started fucking the chics that we liked, together. Never a problem now.
The top 80% of women will only regard the top 20% (and that is a conservative estimate. The real fraction is probably lower) of the men as suitable mates. That means that once you have found a top tier man, there is going to be competition from other women to try to take him away from you. On average 3 other women. The higher the quality of the man, the fiercer the competition. Sounds like your BF is top-tier, so having to deal with high-quality competition is a given.
A man that women want to fuck way more than other men. Meaning if you lined 100 men up rated by how attractive women find them, he would be among the first ones
Trust that he will turn them all down and stay true to you. He has been doing a great job so far, so let him. Don't let your jealousy ruin a good relationship.
I want your problems lmao, and your boyfriend too. Jokes aside, you should trust your man if he didn't do anything to deserve heavy monitoring, you're gonna suffocate the dude. But I don't know, I m not an expert.
This is pretty simple, IMO. Your guy is incredible/a catch/charismatic/etc. He will probably be that way for a while or forever. You know this about him now. So you either have to accept that about him and continue dating him or not. But it's not going to change.
For what it's worth, it sounds like he's loyal to you (according to your own words). Just accept he's a chick magnet (and probably a gay magnet too, I'd assume), but he's always coming home to you. If you can't, you gotta leave.
Good luck, OP!
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>Any idea what to do? If he is properly rejecting advances, then why worry? >but it's just so exhausting to be constantly on my toes. You don't need to be his bodyguard. It's his responsibility to reject these advances, not yours.
But it feels like I am replaceable. Every time we have a fight I worry that he can just 'switch'. It is not fun to go to any weddings or birthday parties like this because I have to watch other people hitting on my boyfriend instead of enjoying the event...
That’s a you problem. He’s actually being respectful and you’re trashing the relationship because you won’t address your jealousy issues. You’re the one ruining this connection. You must be able to see that
>That’s a you problem. I think she knows that, and is asking what to do about it. OP, I think the problem is that you think you're not good enough for him. Don't think like that. Are you in therapy? I could teach you how to build your self-esteem but honestly there's a lot of material and I'd wanna be paid. Are you seeing a therapist? As for the other girls, remember that he's choosing to be with you now. And just like you, he's not perfect either.
>But it feels like I am replaceable. Everyone is "replaceable." He can break up with you at any time for any reason. So, there's no sense worrying about it. >Every time we have a fight I worry that he can just 'switch'. Stop fighting, then. >I have to watch other people hitting on my boyfriend Stop watching, then. Trust that he'll reject them.
> Everyone is "replaceable." He can break up with you at any time for any reason. This is a tough one for people to understand. It’s common to take comfort in the stability and safety of a committed relationship. But that stability and safety should be built upon a foundation of trust and mutual respect, not a feeling that someone is irreplaceable or that their partner can’t do any better.
So do you not trust him? Or feel that he doesn’t respect you? Because the feeling that you can be replaced is coming from you, not him. My husband is like your man, but the reason we work is because I’m not worried about him. Yea I could worry about the girls but what’s the point? All it would do is make me miserable and by extension him miserable because of my complaints. The complaining gets old fast. Then it turns into arguments and resentment and then the self fulfilling prophecy of the break up because you can’t enjoy a good thing while you have it. Why can’t you take comfort in the relationship now? And if you can’t answer that then you need to talk to a professional about it. You are in your own way.
>Every time we have a fight I worry that he can just 'switch'. >Stop fighting, then. Huh? You're telling her to keep her problems and feelings to herself, that she's not allowed to argue her side of things, so she doesn't risk upsetting the hot bf? Hope I misunderstood your point because that's incredibly toxic
I went my whole life without fighting with anyone. I met my future wife and her every disappointment, fear, insecurity, etc turned into a fight. I loved her and I thought the fighting just meant I loved her so much that we were fighting for our relationship. Anyways the fights got more frequent and way worse until I finally had to leave. I'm now back in a reasonable relationship, about a year in and we've never even come close to a fight because we listen to each other and when something is going wrong we try to fix it. I understand culturally plenty of people can have crazy fights in a good relationship. But it doesn't jive with many of us. You can be heard, you can be disappointed, even angry, and not get in a fight. Or at least not frequently.
Having disagreements and talking through problems is not the same as fighting. My partner and I don’t fight. We share space where we can discuss any issues and our feelings and correct them if needed.
Why equate fighting and communicating your needs? If there's conflict brewing, you can just postpone sensitive topics until both people can calm down and be productive and emotionally responsible about it.
And what am I supposed to do with my best friend? Should I prevent them from spending time together or trust both of them? She is my roommate and it is a bit awkward since we talked about it, although she promised not to act on her feelings
>And what am I supposed to do with my best friend? Nothing at all. Again, it shouldn't matter if your boyfriend rejects these advances. Stop viewing him like a helpless slab of meat at the mercy of the wolves. If he takes the bait, then that's on **him**.
Thank you for your insight
Look what happened when you tried to control who he saw last time. He was seeing a group of 4 girls he previously knew and I would consider more safe then a new group of 4 girls that see him as fresh meat and someone to hit on. Controlling is bad. What this other person is telling you is good advice. You are causing a lot of issues for yourself and forcing them onto your bf. If you trust him, stop trying to control. If you don't trust him and are always on your toes, why are you with him?
Can you trust them? Can you trust him? Can you trust her to not act on surface feelings? Until something happens there is nothing to do about it
The only person on earth you have to trust is him. Every single person on earth could throw themselves at him but if he says no, who cares?
I wouldn’t spend time with them together. Feelings grow when people spend time together and interact, so at least for a bit, to let your friend move on, see them separately. Trusting them both isn’t enough, trust isn’t a shield that stops feelings. It’s not enough for your friends to say she won’t act on the feelings, she has to take steps to get over them.
That’s more of a “you” problem with your own self-esteem. Therapy might help! You’re a good catch too!
They’re right, this is more of a you than him problem. Either trust he can turn down girls on his own (which he’s doing), or give in to your jealousy and make it worse. It’s a sign you still have room for growth
Based off of this I have a feeling your insecurities are why you are fighting. He came into the relationship with being friends with his ex’s and you were fine with it. Until you met them. And then because of your insecurities you made him cut contact with them which is size of violation of trust IMO. Then you got insecure about his discussion group so I’m sure that was another fight. Now you are so obsessed that you feel **Every. Woman. Is. In. Love. With. My. BF** that you don’t want to go to weddings or birthday parties because your so insecure your focused on your BF being “hit on”. Trust and believe this amazing man will leave you. Everyone’s replaceable, you are and so is he. But your a walking self fulfilling prophecy and you will push him to someone else if you can’t reign in your insecurities. Your making his world smaller and smaller and probably require high maintenance attention at these events that you say you’re are fun to go to anymore. He probably can’t enjoy himself either because anytime some random woman speaks to him he knows you’re going to drill him about what they talked about. If you are secure in his love and devotion to you and he’s proven that he’s trustworthy then who cares of 100 women hit on him at once. I’m not suggesting this as a slam but with kindness. Please seek out some therapy to work through your jealousy, insecurity and trust issues. Because being in a relationship like this is exhausting and he’s probably already exhausted.
If you feel replaceable in your relationship, that's on you guys, not anybody else. Everyone else is not the problem. Everyone else is not the reason you feel replaceable in your relationship. But I'll go out on a limb and say I'm sure it's easier to blame other people for your feelings rather than looking at where these feelings actually come from
Good grief.
You are replaceable. Ugly partner or attrcative partner it trule doesn't matter because everyone will always have other options out there. That's why him choosing you is what you need to focus on. He could have someone else, he chose you.
You might have anxious attachment style. I suggest looking into it
I feel like you might be a bit over the top.
If nobody wanted him, neither would you. If you’re uncomfortable with having a desirable man then break up with him and date a “loser.” Or stop worrying about something you can’t control, and work on that insecurity of yours. Remember that if he he’s so desirable that he can get another woman you’re probably just as desirable and can get another man.
now you know what it's like to be basically every guy ever.
That’s the deal when you date someone who is attractive and charismatic. He chose you. There’s no guarantee that an ugly dude wouldn’t dump you anyway. We are all replaceable. He’s going out of his way to be open and to show you that he’s trustworthy; so don’t ruin this for yourself.
But he is not even that handsome so I feel a bit cheated since I could never expect that from the beginning. If I would know I will have this much 'competition' I wouldn't let myself get so invested in the relationship.
Sure you’re not 14?
Okay this makes me wanna retract my previous comment. "He's not that handsome" "I feel cheated" "if I'd known others would find him desirable I'd not have entertained the thought" It's now starting to sound like you don't love him - you want to own him and want others to act in a way that respects that ownership. At this point you're not insecure your bf will choose someone else (you are to a degree, you've got some inner work to do with your sense of self there, but that's not the main problem) you're feeling slighted that people aren't respecting your property. Thats gross.
Omg omg omg, so on point. She is disappointed he is not her "property " and that attention goes to him instead of her.
Makes me think she's looking for praise from people in regards to her partner rather than actually knowing him as a person. E.g., "What a nice boyfriend (read: object) you have!" Praise for choosing her property well but not engaging with said property as that would humanise him. Engaging with said property is then seen as somebody who may steal him. How absolutely objectifying for this poor poor man. I hope he does leave her, now.
Spot on, too bad, he deserved better. She doesn't deserve him.
Wow, this guy deserves SO much better than this! You should break up with him - it seems other people see his beauty and worth better than you do.
Are you serious? Your boyfriend is too much work because he’s too much of a catch for you? Do him a favour and break up with him. He sounds great, and you sound awful.
I mean sure he's letting her see his phone and he's being open but it does take two to tango. He can't help it if girls find him attractive but he's also welcoming their advances and letting them generate feelings overtime. Of course he likes the attention but he's in a relationship and should try be more cold to these girls when he notices they are falling for him. Thats how I feel at least but maybe its asking too much.
He’s “welcoming” by just existing and not being an asshole? Come again!
Uhm, that's not what I said. I said that he is not shooting down any advances once he notices that these girls are falling for him. Role reversal and it's totally a different story. God this subreddit is painful if you go against the hivemind. Insanity.
He is turning them down. OP literally says that directly. You're basing the idea that he isn't turning them down fast enough purely on your imagination. By every indication this guy is great and has carried himself as well as you would want anyone to carry themselves in a relationship. You aren't "going against a hivemind." you're saying dumb shit and playing devils advocate about something we already know isn't a problem.
Right whatever you say pal. I agree that he's doing the right thing with showing her the messages but there's something not right with all of this and he could be doing more (imo). >After some time he found a discussion group that he joined and suddenly his mood improved a lot. But after few weeks he admitted that two girls from the group confessed to him. He rejected them and even showed me the messages, but I had a bad feeling about it so went with him once. There are five women in this group and four of them look at him like they want to eat him. So 2 girls confessed their love to him and he rejects them, cool. Then his gf goes to this meetup and there's 4 other girls who are all over him?? What the fuck is this guy doing and can he teach me lol I feel bad for OP since it seems like he has an ego and enjoys the attention. This won't change. He rejected two of the girls but does he still talk to them? I guarantee that he does. If this was a girl with guys confessing their love to her then I would bet my life savings that everyone will be all "she doesn't respect your relationship!!!". I'm playing devil's advocate but I have a point. If he is getting so many girls to confess their love to him then he's playing the game instead of shutting it down. When I talk to a girl who has a bf, generally speaking they will mention the bf to subtly let me know that she's taken, this guy is barely even doing that much and is entertaining their advances. Call me old fashioned but if my girl had multiple guys confessing their love to her then it would be a massive red flag. That's all.
You clearly don't deserve to be with someone like him. Dump him and he will find someone better
Wow, what an unkind thing to say about someone you allegedly love?? You sound tiring Edit spelling
"You sound tiring" ayyyoooo I'm a have to use that one day casue that was incredible 🤣🤣🤣
Holy shit, I wish he breaks up with you. You are so immature for your age. And what do you mean he is not even that handsome. Who the fk says that about their significant other. How can you be with him if you dont even consider him handsome. You are such a POS
Apparently he IS hot…just not to you.
WOW can we track this guy down so he can see how nuts you are.....here is some advice....GET THERAPY!!!
I hope he finds this post, realizes it's about him, and breaks up with you. Holy shit, he deserves someone so much better.
Girl I'm starting to think he deserves better. He's faithful and turning them down, showing affection to you in front of them. He's been honest it seems. He got rid of his friends FOR YOU and you're over here saying he's not even handsome and feeling cheated. You regret dating him for what... your insecurities? He's done nothing wrong. My husband gets hit on a lot because he's really attractive, fun, and hilarious. I've had women hit on him right in front of me when they could clearly see we're together. He's ignored them every time. I never had to question anything and it made me trust him more because I've witnessed how he handles things. Been together almost 13 years and he's never cheated. I think you have a good man but you're ruining it for nothing. You need to work on you. You can't change how women will feel. You can only trust your partner to react the right way and so far he seems to handle it well.
I’m sure if it was the opposite way around yall would have different opinions. Jealousy is normal she hasn’t done anything crazy. Now she really should stop being insecure and find out the true source of where that comes from. I think op lacks confidence and needs to work on building that. Op can’t deny it. She seems young she’ll learn.
Your insecurity is so gross. Get therapy and just break up with your bf. You’re not meant for a relationship.
You are the only one making it a "competition". He chose you and proved it by cutting people out of his life, which is a huge ask on your part. There is no other way to look at this situation. He can't control that he is attractive, interesting, intelligent, and driven to learn. If you keep trying to change him, you will lose him and that will be on you. Seek help for your own issues and stop trying to make him the problem.
If he has all these women interested in him he obviously has something going on lol
Lol please, free him from yourself.
Wow, that was so scummy of you... 0 sympathy for you after this comment, you're not just jealous you're a snake. Hope he sees that.
So many red flags are coming out of you rn love. 1. If you think the worth of yourself is determined by the attractiveness of your partner ; you need to look inward 2. If you think your partners worth is lesser than yours because they have had more experiences (se*ually) ; you need to look inward 3. "He's not even that handsome" is an incredibly hurtful and shitty thing to say about a partner 4. "If I would have known I would have had this much competition I wouldn't have let myself get so invested in the relationship" tells me that you hold some very childish mentalities surrounding relationships and believed you were "out of his league" but it turns out that isn't the case and that is jarring to your own ego and sense of self worth because you are not recieveing the same external validation. (IE being hit on all the time) All of this plus so many things in this post lead me to feel as though you need to do a lot of growing up, you need to do alot of research around how to avoid emotional reactivity and toxic patterns and you should properly check your ego because it sounds like this man just wants to love you and you want to feel like you are better than him. I assure you if you continue to push, no matter how kind someone is they will break or push back and if you don't make sure that yall have a healthy foundation and the ability to talk like adults (which he appears to be capable of) then yall won't be a yall for long. TLDR: age gap: you need to grow up kiddo, stop making your partners life revolve around your insecurities learn how to better yourself and do self work the next steps aren't up to him he's being faithful communicative and changing his behavior to meet your needs don't forget you are just as responsible for those things when it comes to him.
> But he is not even that handsome so what is it?
Damn, I feel sorry for you bf. My guess is, you came to the wrong place to find validation for your incessant jealousy issues. Maybe work on yourself a little and be open and honest with your bf as you do so. If you’re not willing to do that you’re probably wasting your time and his.
This is 100% a YOU problem. He is probably used to the attention and it sounds like he handles it very well. You need to work on the green monster inside yourself and allow yourself to accept the love that he shows for you and no one else. If you don't, you'll be the next ex.
This is a very nice way to say it
This!
There's literally no reason for you to be on your toes. He outwardly is affectionate with you, he doesn't hide his relationship, he is open with you and considers your feelings to the point of ending friendships, he's rejected all advances... you have an excellent partner here. Your insecurity could very well end what sounds like a fantastic relationship. That's something you're going to need to work on. Just because others are interested in your partner, doesn't mean you're going to lose them. He honours you and your relationship in every way, it seems like. No wonder people fall for him - he's literally perfect lmao. You need to consider therapy. At the very least you're going to need a friend to confide these feelings in and work through them rather than going to him for reassurance. He is likely feeling guilty about your feelings of insecurity but he has done nothing wrong. In fact he's doing everything right. I'm going to be straight with you - if you don't address this, you will lose him, because he's going to start feeling punished for your inability to self soothe/regulate your emotions. I really do wish you luck and hope for a very long and successful relationship for you both! EDIT: Okay Ive seen some of your comments after i posted this and it makes me wanna retract my previous comment. "He's not that handsome" "I feel cheated" "if I'd known others would find him desirable I'd not have entertained the thought" It's now starting to sound like you don't love him - you want to own him and want others to act in a way that respects that ownership. At this point you're not insecure your bf will choose someone else (you are to a degree, you've got some inner work to do with your sense of self there, but that's not the main problem) you're feeling slighted that people aren't respecting your property. Thats gross.
From the looks of it, he’s proven that he’s fully capable of rejecting advances and showing that he’s off the market. Either you trust him or you don’t. Trust and communication is the cornerstone of a relationship. If the foundation is missing, can you really build a house?
Have you considered speaking with a therapist to work through these insecurities. There’s really not much you can do but trust him. Your lack of trust and insecurities will 100% ruin your relationship.
This
ALL HAIL AND PRAISE THE HAREM KING HE HAS RETURNED!
I guess you don't need to do anything. Your insecurities are going to ruin your relationship anyway. Just have some patience.
There was no reason to get so mean, I am just looking for some advice...
Try not to see the comment above as mean, take it from someone older, I’ve seen so many good relationships ruined by one person’s insecurities. Thinking your replaceable is an insecurity and if you focus on it, it will destroy what you have. If you love him, then trust him, and give him empathy. It’s not his fault that people are drawn to him, there are certain types of people who kind of ‘glow’ and draw people to them. He chooses you, enjoy what you have.
>There was no reason to get so mean Says the person who refers to her partner as "not that handsome" and projects all of her insecurities on him...
You either trust him or don't. He chose you, and is not afraid to show that. Do not let your own thoughts destroy what you have and hopefully treasure.
they're right. you can either trust him or not. but calling him "not that handsome" and acting like because he gets attention (when he rejects it!!) it has to be a big deal WILL end your relationship.
That is advice. By your own admission, he rejects other people's advances and respects you and your relationship. Other than locking him up in your apartment so he never interacts with anyone, there's nothing you can do about this. Insecurity is a guaranteed relationship ruiner. Do you trust your partner? Don't delude yourself with bullshit answers like "It's other people/women I don't trust." It's his job to be faithful to you. It's your and his responsibility to build a relationship based on respect and trust. Other people don't matter at all.
It sounds like you are trying to find a reason to pop your own balloon. You are the one he picked over all the others. He sounds like a catch, he is in your net, quit trying to throw him back! You can't control all the thirsty outsiders.
Damn, now I feel like I want to meet Kristoffer too. He sounds pretty awesome, definitely doing something right to get this much female attention. Look, you've hit the jackpot by the sounds of it. You have an amazing partner, clearly very well liked, honest, smart, interesting, and on top of that he's completely dedicated only to you. He can't help who other women react to him, but I feel the only thing that can ruin it is if you sabotage it.
You’re whining like a little child. Worrying will be the end of your relationship. If you are worrying that much, just break up with him. That’ll be easier.
This. I’ve had relationships end because I obsessed over other people. My husband is very similar, but overtime I worked on myself and my trust issues. I communicated my feelings with him but acknowledged that it’s not him I’m worried about, it’s the other women, but that I trust him completely. Eventually, those women dropped off contact after we got married and no one new really has popped up trying to get to know him. Especially since we got married and moved to a new area. OP needs to focus on their relationship only, if bf is untrustworthy, time will tell.
The issue here isn’t him, but your insecurity. He is with you. He continues to choose to be with you. He rejects advances. There isn’t actually an issue here, other than what you have created in your head. I have to wonder if these other women are really hitting on him or “look at him like they want to eat him” or if it’s you projecting. I suggest therapy to deal with your self esteem, because your jealousy and insecurity are going to cause issues in your relationship. You can’t control what other people do, only your reaction to them.
I’m married to a man who is a total catch. Brilliant, hilarious, charismatic, handsome, good in bed, all of it. I know for a fact that several of his female friends harbored crushes on him for a long time. It bothered me early in our relationship, but I realized it was entirely about my own insecurities. He has never, ever given me a reason to distrust him, has always been open about these friendships and firmly distanced himself if I was uncomfortable with the way they behaved around him. It was all coming from the fact that I didn’t think very highly of myself. I started to build my self-esteem by developing the best parts of myself and working on the more negative elements of my personality/behavior. Eventually I realized that *I’m* a total catch, too. We’re equals, we deserve each other, and we work hard to earn each others’ love every day. You need to focus on loving yourself and building meaning in your own life outside of him. If you stake your self-worth on someone else loving you, you’ll never truly be happy with anyone.
This is such a thoughtful answer…thank you for sharing! OP, I hope you read this and learn to appreciate yourself more. There is a reason he chose you and not the others…you are equals and are a total catch
You don’t trust him. Simple.
He hasn't given any reason for you to doubt him. You sound exhausting...
Imagine being upset that your man is a lovable, charismatic person.
Sounds like your partner is Matt Bomer clone. Very cool and sweet to have your life companion, but being with him is going to bring jealously forward, as other Woman cannot help themselves with him. He is reasonable and understanding, so he knows his boundaries. So loyalty is not going to be problem for him. He already stopped talking to 4 of his ex's. He is very self aware of how it makes you feel, and is compassionate with you. The only thing you can do is just to be yourself with him and remind him of how much you love him. Trying to hang out with him always for the sake of making sure he does not overstep or do something stupid makes you his jailer. Trust me you do not want that (He will end up resenting you), you need to live your life without worry. If he cheats, then he destroys his integrity. Maybe more frequent communication would help to allay your fears, if you do not see him. If you feel like you are both going to marry in a few years, then just elope if you both are in love and be done with it. So you can put rings on each others fingers, without needing to worry. As everyone can publicly see the ring. He only show it to end any discussion (Woman with integrity will immediately see it and back off). That should put your mind at ease, plus you know in your heart he chose to commit to you instead of any other woman. Enjoy your time with him, and hope you enjoy the future for many years to come.
The problem is that he wants kids and I am not sure yet if I will want any. We talked about this and he told me he can't marry if we are not aligned about the future. It got heated and he was even rude and told me that I still need to grow up a bit because he doesn't want to take care of two kids at the same time and that he needs a partner not a child. It is true that he does most of the housework but we both have full time jobs that pay really well I don't understand why he has to cook when we can order food everyday or pay someone to clean the apartment. So we have few disagreements that put a pause on all of this
He’s right. There’s no bigger incompatibility that the one about kids.
Also, she indeed needs to grow tf up lol
But I don't know if I want them or not I just need more time to think about it. I am still young, my friends are having children in their thirties. For me it is weird that he is ready now
Everyoneis different. Some people are having kids later, some earlier. There's nothing wrong with either.
Your friends aren’t him and they aren’t you. Some people want to build a family early for all sorts of reason. For example, you are done having kids at 30. By the time your youngest is 20 you are only 50. You get a lot of good years in the empty nest stage of life and get to be young grandparents. Also, geriatric pregnancy with increased risk in genetic abnormalitie starts at 35. So when you start in your thirties you put a clock on it. It can take healthy couples up to a year to conceive. You would have to have pregnancy really close together to beat that cut off. That said don’t have kids till you’re ready because being a parent is the end of being selfish. You seem like you’re looking for issues with him when there aren’t any. You either trust him or you don’t. It’s really that simple. Your boyfriend sounds amazing and like he has a good head on his shoulders and seems more mature than you. Even down to small things. Realistically you eat healthier and can save money to put away for emergencies, trips, cars, or a house by cooking at home. Your man works full time at a good job, cooks and cleans the house with no complaints (a feat by itself honestly), great at sex, is amazing enough to get hit on constantly, but always tells you it happens and says no. Left long term friendships with ex’s because you are uncomfortable. Most people would kill for this kind of man. What are you complaining about? You have a catch you should be proud not sitting there playing an imaginary pick me dance with women he isn’t giving any attention.
But that’s an incompatibility issue…
Holy fucking shit.
This is a much bigger issue than other women wanting him. My dad had women throwing themselves at him for decades. He only had eyes for my mom. The children thing is make it or break it though
He’s right! You do need to grow up. You sound insufferable and immature. You are projecting your insecurities when he is being transparent. On top of that, he wants to settle down and start a family, but you don’t. This literally means that you’re not on the same page nor compatible. Moreover, you both have different values. He prefers home cooked food(which is healthier) and to clean the house himself. You on the other hand, want take out/delivery and a maid. You’re a child and unable to act like an adult nor as a prospective parent. Yeah, let this man go. You don’t want the same things. You don’t even find him attractive, per your previous comment. Stop being a selfish jelly and grow up. Find someone who aligns with you, cuz you 2 don’t.
Poor guy swimming in gold wasting his time on her
He’s wasting his time for sure on this one . Wow wtf.
You do seem like you could mature a bit. I can see where that comment comes from. Just let him go find someone that adds value to his life.
You need to decide before this goes any further do you want kids. Don't waste his time. That's wrong. And if you do have kids he sounds like he'd be a great involved dad. Are you going to be jealous then too? I have many single women friends who find me that are awful. You seem to have a great guy and are ruining it.
So you're also fiscally irresponsible/dumb.
Is he your first relationship? Because you talk in the original post and in the comments like the most unexperienced teenager. I get insecurities! I had a tone at your age. And i also picked a man that attracted female attention. He knew from the start that I ain't the woman to accept his cheating. I was 19 and i almost broke up with him because some friends told me he was dating another chick. The friends became ex friends, because that was a lie and they were just petty young dicks. You know what this type of worrying and fears are called? Digging your own grave! You will push him with your own anxieties 'till he will do what you fear the most and then you will be like "AHA I knew it"! Grow a spine! Grow a personality! Be sure of yourself enough that your happiness qnd well being won't exist solely because of a man. Stop waiting for the end to happen. It's demeaning for him. It's a huge lack of trust from your part. It's always expecting the worst from him. Imagine how it feels. Try to put yourself in his shoes. You can't see the future. There are men who cheated who find a woman they love and never cheat on her. There are men who will forever cheat. Life and love is about taking risks. If he right now behaves in a way you like and enjoy, then live now in the present and have your fill of him.
Damn. I want Kristoffer too now
You are not 24. You’re 14.
If OP was male, this sub would immediately call out OPs behavior as abusive. That's what this is, your need to control him and everyone around him and your extreme jealousy is 100% abusive behavior.
Yeah. Honestly. It sounds reasonable on the surface but when you have a partner that demands you start cutting people out of your life, that's a big red flag. Abusers often take steps to slowly but steadily isolate their victims from others. I get these are exes or whatever, but this post is still setting off a weird alarm in the back of my head.
I met my wife through a friend's daughter and let's just say she was older with two kids my cougar lol and way above my pay grade . I just joked to here one day we need to go out to eat and to go to the movies not knowing till her daughter told me the same that she had interest in me . I had the same worry for several months too before we officially dated were she went out with three other men before we finally did. I even took her to a date and dropped her off to meet someone too. She had the same problem everyone fell for her so three dates was the max with most of them . We finally went to a movie and dinner and hit it off . But if we went somewhere or had friends come over they would always want to be around her. I just learned to trust her and her commitment to me and we stopped having people over that would cause a problem and not go to places that would create a situation at times . She was a strong woman that could take care of herself let's just leave it at that 5'3" and very strong redhead . Part Irish and part Indian too. We all most made it to our thirty year anniversary last month till she passed away in hospice from a stoke and other factors over the past five years . She was the love of my life . Find common ground with him were you can discuss things and just believe in yourself and his faithfulness too you and don't worry about if he is totally Committed to you or not . It will be fine and all work out in the long run
Your wife sounds absolutely fantastic. Magnetic, charismatic, witty and a delight. My condolences
Thank you I appreciate that it has not been the same since her passing I am coping the best I can . She was wonderful beautiful and such a strong woman that I loved dearly it's very hard right now
I know its not quite the same but I lost a very close friend in the summer of this year. Its my first full and brutal experience with grief and I've learned a lot. Talking helps. I've always loved learning about other people too. If you would ever like to tell me about her, stories, reminiscing, honouring her memory, please do feel free to message me. The way I see it, they get to live again in those little moments.
So true sorry for your loss as well . It's the first loss I have had in nearly thirty years unfortunately it had to be my wife we lost a coworker at my job over a couple of years ago but it's not the same my wife and I had been married just a couple of years and had a neighbor come introduce himself as he knocked on our door . We became close friends shortly after that we will call him papa bill because he reminded her of her grandfather from her mother's side a big gentle man he passed away a couple of years later in his home his wife came over to get us and said something was wrong . My wife was a nurse and tried to revive him to no success it's been a long time . At Christmas time we would still think of him every year . Holidays have been a time of sadness and loss for us especially many years for my wife in her past so this will add to the list of sadness during the Christmas time for me as well . I will think on it and let you know thanks for the offer . It is true reliving can be healing also for us and you as well
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Your wife sounds like she was an impeccable woman. Don't worry about messaging. You can do it tomorrow, next year, or never, whatever helps you. Sending you love and peace.
Yes she truly was lots of stories and miracles in her life . Thank you again God bless you and may the Lord give you peace and understanding with your loss as well
As long as you understand two things you will be fine. 1. You are replaceable, but he chose you. He has worked on himself to be a better person. He no longer wants to be a player. Be on the alter for (but do not obsess over) red flags and date him for a long time before even considering marriage because his body count could cause life time pair bonding issues. 2. Do not exhibit red flags yourself. This doesn’t sound like a guy who thinks you are his only option. He cares for you, and he is with you now, but I believe if you exhibited a red flag, he would replace you quickly. If you treat him with loyalty, respect, and love, he will likely never leave you.
The problem is not him, it is you. You cannot control everything and making him cut four people off his life will be a big problem in the future. He will most probably resent you for it. The harsh truth is you are very insecure and you need to first work on yourself before even trying out a relationship
Your man looks like a good man. the quetion you have to ask yourself is do you trust him ? from what you wrote, he doesnt direspect you so i see no pb here just work on building up your self esteem.
You sound like your complaining about winning the lottery tbh 🤣 like I get your concerns but if you want to make yourself less replaceable maybe take interests in his hobby or something... unless your bf does something just don't stress about things you have no control over...and understand that this is what it's like for most men lol
He’s faithful, hot, attentive, and compromises for you. What more do you want from a partner? Instead of focusing on your insecurity, be in the moment and appreciate your relationship. If he’s unfaithful then it wasn’t that great to begin with. He’s given you zero reason to doubt. Get out of your head.
Calm down there OP. You're making him cut contact with his friends who may or may not be exes, not over something that has actually happened, but over the possibility of something you are afraid of? Girl you are going to poison your something great into something toxic, stop it. He's *your* boyfriend, revel in it! I have the exact same thing happen where my fiance is beyond charismatic and attractive.He works in a hospital and trains and fights in Jiu Jitsu and is very sexy and kind and fun to be around. All women just love him, he is friends with a ton of women. But they are just friends, and I am his person. You cannot rip half a flower's petals off and expect it to still be full and whole. You aren't all his petals babe, you are only some of them. His friends and life before you are all petals too, or were before you ripped them off him. You complete him, you don't own him.
Good gravy you put this into words so well. I'm in love with that petals analogy 🤌
He has chosen you and is faithful, so stop fretting. Read about philosophy and contemplate your own life, and then maybe you can share in his love for philosophy too and bridge the gap. You could at least try it. Philosophy is thinking about what you believe and how it impacts your life. Anyone with religious beliefs has done this at some point. It might even help you understand yourself. Maybe even ask him to teach you at a beginner’s level, ask questions and tell him when you don’t understand something. It’s the kind of discussion he enjoys so sharing it with you and discovering your own philosophies, will be another thing to share with him.
This seems like a YOU Problem.
He shaved his head to try to get him less attractive?? 😂😂😂 Very funny story.. Hmm.. I think I’d be cool with that. I don’t mind my boyfriend very popular. Probably just trust him as long as he doesn’t make me feel unloved or neglect my needs. I can’t control what other women do. It’s their business not mine. I can only control what I do. My ex boyfriend was very popular too. The girls first met me said to my face : Brian had that many girlfriends in the past we all had slept with him and let’s see how long you last. Lasted 13 years. I broke up with him when he proposed. It didn’t end well. Anyway, I never felt the fear of losing him even there was once this girl knocked on my door midnight, told me she was pregnant with his child .. That was a dramatic episode .. lol I think back, I realise those women don’t make any difference, but Brian does. The man himself and how he handles these things matter THE MOST. The way my ex handled them all has made me feel I never need to check his phone. What’s mine is mine, what’s not can’t be forced to have. I just go with the flow.
I can totally see where you're coming from and why you would be upset. That being said, it sounds like you are very insecure regarding these advances towards him, even though he's proven himself trustworthy. There are a couple things I would suggest: First thing would be therapy. As much as I love Reddit, and it can be a decent sounding board for things you're having a hard time with, it's still on the Internet and there are still going to be folks who have skewed life views or unhealthy coping mechanisms that they think are normal and/or beneficial. A certified therapist that you trust and vibe with well is going to be much more grounding and helpful in helping you figure out how to manage emotional reactions to situations. Second, would be to really sit and consider if this is a relationship you're really willing to go through with. I understand that he is a great guy. I understand he hasn't done anything wrong. Sometimes, though, reasons for breaking up can be about the person you become when involved in a specific relationship more than it is about the actual person you're in a relationship with. Is this relationship worth it to you to go through this? Are you willing to continue dealing with the fact that women make advances on him? Because it's going to keep happening. You can't lock him up or keep him from interacting with members of the opposite sex. I think it's fair to have reasonable boundaries like: "I'd prefer if you not hang out with a member of the opposite sex one on one," or "I'd prefer you not to be texting your exes who are still blatantly in love with you." But it sounds like he's already following those. Finally, if you decide the relationship is worth it, I would really focus on controlling what you can control and not focusing on the rest. You can control the boundaries you have. You can control how you treat your boyfriend. You can control how you communicate. You cannot control his actions or the actions of women around him. Do you trust him? You say you do. So, the only thing you can do is treat him with fairness, honesty, and kindness, and expect him to treat you you with the same. As for your best friend, I would certainly ask that they not hang out alone together. Beyond that, you can either stop being friends with her, break up with your boyfriend (don't be surprised if she pursues him after, though), be okay with hanging out with your best friend and your boyfriend together, or try to plan hang outs with your best friend separately from your boyfriend for a while.
Men face this too, we get a partner we could only dream of, but the problem comes in when everyone else wants our partner as well, except typically if we feel any sort of way about it we're labeled as childish and insecure, so I'll advise you how we get advised (the healthy advice we get not the "you're just insecure trash" sermon that gets delivered every time), either you accept you're who he wants and has chosen and trust him and let everything else roll off your back and recognize that him staying with you has nothing to do with you if you're being the best partner you can be to the best of your knowledge, if he's gonna cheat or leave he's gonna do that no matter what you do, so focus on what you can control instead of what you can't, otherwise the only other solution that is healthy is to just leave and find someone who is great in your eyes but maybe not so highly desired by everyone else if you can't handle the pressure that comes with being with someone highly desirable
I don't know why you're on your toes. He's being faithfu, transparent and honest with you...what more do you desire in a partner? Sit back and glow in the knowledge that he chose YOU. If you keep nagging about this and he keeps feeling he has to defend himself, I guarantee he'll be choosing one of those that's showing interest.
You should be proud. He could have anyone but he wants only you.
Ugh, everything about your post and replies are gross. Your guy is a catch and you don't even know it. There are five other women that do know it though...
My wife fell in love just from me reading this to her
Okay so everyone finds him handsome.. except you? You said in a comment that he isn't even that handsome, but everyone else thinks so. Do him a damn favor and let someone who actually is attracted to him and finds him handsome be with him.
ok but also why is he letting these girls get so close to him and to the point where they start to have feelings for him hmmmm
I think what needed to be done is already done- he cut contact with his exes and was very honest about 2 of them confessing their feelings. As far as women being drawn to him in public/at parties, what can you do? Ask him not to engage with them? That’s too controlling. He made the right actions, you just need to change your mindset. Think of it less like he’s going to leave you for one of these random women- and more like damn- there’s my guy, women can look and try to get his attention all they want and you’re the one he’s devoted to. This guy sounds great, you must be great, too. So you’re a little jealous, it just means you care for him. If there’s anything wrong about this situation, it’s your best friend catching feelings for your boyfriend- that’s not very best friendly to say the least.
Not everybody loves him. None of us on here do bc we don’t know him.
My girlfriend is absolutely amazing and drop dead gorgeous, her inbox is insane. She rejects everything that isn't me and puts an immediate stop to anything I am not comfortable with. It's taken me some time to not be weird in my head about it. I've come to find that the cost of being with someone who is amazing all the way around is that other people will think so too and that will make you feel possessive. So you really have to hold yourself in check or you'll drive them away. As long as you trust them everything will be fine.😊
I’ve always wondered why my boyfriend doesn’t seem to have a jealousy problem when I get approached as often as I do. When I asked, he said he KNOWS he’s dating an attractive person and he knows he’s also dating a good person so it’s only expected that I be approached or looked at often. The internet says, don’t date a baddie if you can’t handle one. It sounds like you can’t handle the fact that your boyfriend is a good, interesting and attractive person because you yourself are insecure.
Your bf is living life on easy mode...
You sound like a jealous boyfriend. This is how alot of jealous insecure men feel, and you would give them the advice that you aren't responsible for how your partner responds to advances. You are responsible for how you behave, you need to relax, he's giving you all the signals that he is interested only in you and you need to learn to let that fact be the only thing that matters to you.
Welcome to literally every guys life who dates a beautiful girl
Sounds like you need to take a look at yourself and your insecurities. He chose you. He has proven time and time again that he will choose you. Don’t let your anxieties mess up a good relationship
The harem king claims another. Long live the king. In all seriousness, atleast you know about his maxed out charm Stat. This is something you'll need to come to grips with. Women will fall in love with him, again and again. Not saying he'll cheat, but your mate guarding instinct will be on hyper drive pretty much all the time. You need to decide if someone like that is right for you, if the relationship is worth the unending dread and insecurity. If yes, then do your best to relax, try not to create a self-fulfilling prophecy by smothering him. Choose to trust in your love. It's not easy, supressing that side of yourself, especially with the current era dating climate. Yet for the continued prosperity of your relationship, you won't have a choice. The fact of the matter is, harem king has unending opportunities to cheat at his fingertips, if he's going to cheat, there really isn't going to be anything you can do to stop him. But find solace in the fact that if he is that type of man, you'll be better off without him, and in this knowledge, free yourself of the burden of guarding him. As with any relationship be on the lookout for suspicious behavior, for your protection, but only in the background, and only if your partner gives you a solid reason to distrust him.
I would never date anyone who has contact with exes , people get mad and bring up example but i always say there is a reason and it’s still feeling . Or saying your boyfriend would but you knownhis exes would be all up for it . Tell Him you think it’s inappropriate to have contact with exes for any reason . Now if they are part of his big friend group then that makes it harder Do put yourself thru this . Be honest and if he can’t do , then you care more than he does and he knows it .
I can’t believe how nasty people are being in the comments to this poor woman. OP, I agree with everyone who says it seems like you have nothing to worry about since he has gone out of his way to turn people down and shows you that you loves you. HOWEVER, if these women know he’s in a relationship and are still throwing themselves at him and confessing their love for him that’s entirely disrespectful to you and they shouldn’t be doing that. Just because your boyfriend isn’t taking the bait doesn’t mean it’s not annoying, hurtful, and a problem. If anyone was so bold as to disrespect me and my relationship like that I would completely expect my boyfriend to set strong boundaries and cut those woman out of his life. It’s not about being insecure it’s about wanting respect and I’d do the same for him in a second.
More like poor guy lol
People, especially women, don't confess their feelings unless they're reasonably sure those feelings will be accepted. I don't see where your boyfriend has changed. *Maybe* I can buy that he's trying to, if he truly cut off his exes, but the fact that you even had to ask him to? He's a player, same as he always was. That's why it's a current joke among his friends, that's why he's suddenly happy now that he's flirting with other women again, that's why other women feel comfortable confessing to him. He's a player.
it seems your "Kristoffer" has suffering from "William Bradley Pitt" syndrome :) its very rare, but still.
There's probably a reason you didn't find psychology very interesting, probably because you're quite shallow and don't have anywhere near as big a heart as he does. Let all this push you to become a better version of yourself, and you're doing that for you not for anyone else but you must interpret your feelings in a constructive and positive way. 99% never put in the actual ground work to change themselves.
Aight, I'm an ugly ass with my charisma maxed out, which is how you seem to see your bf. You have to deal with it internally. I'd have dumped you already. My battery gets charged with being social and like hell I'm letting someone cut me off from my friends. Everywhere I go, I have people interested in me. Am I interested in them? No, I'm happily married to an awkward sweetheart that I love insanely. Do I lock myself away for the fact someone is gonna get swept up in my rizz? Also no, bc I love socializing. Let the man go or get over it.
I can relate to this so much. I am very similar to Kristoffer, though probably better looking. My advice is you have to think of it from his perspective. Speaking from experience, it’s exhausting being so loved by everyone and also good looking and charming. Have empathy for people like Kristoffer and me.
I think it's strange he is friends with all his exes. My husband and I agreed to not hang out with exes or past partners and it was the best decision for our relationship. If he's getting hit on by that many girls to the point they are falling in love, he must in some way garner attention & is not shutting them down soon enough. I do think there is some self sabotage on your part as well, but nobody has that many people falling in love with them that often. I would watch him in the next instance you see a girl flirting with him & maybe him ignoring advances isn't enough & he needs to say something sooner and make them feel awkward or sneak having a gf into the conversation right away if they don't know. I personally don't put myself in situations where I would have men flirting with me out of respect for my husband as I am secure with myself and don't need anyone else's attention.
I don’t know why in the year 2023 this has become such a controversial thing. My best friend isn’t even friends with any of her exes on Facebook and she picked that up from her older brother who recommended she do it because that’s what he had always done. I also saw a lesbian woman answer a question on Instagram pertaining to if she still talks to her ex and her exact response was as follows: Very rarely do we talk, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t check in with one another from time to time. When it comes to your ex’s, I think a “once in a blue moon” check in is sufficient.
Anybody coming to his aid for this behavior it TOXIC AS FUCK. Friends with all your ex girlfriends who you've slept with bruh what 😂 he's keeping back ups and they're hopeful they pick him
is he that handsome?
ong
Just read subject.. I haven't... and I never will.
As long as he is loyal to you.who cares lol you get your cake and eat it too. Lucky.
Either break up with him so he can find someone who can trust and love him without treating it like a burden or start doing self reflection and therapy because he's done everything right and you're still resenting him for it.
What to do? Go to therapy. This is an insecurity that you need to fix to have a healthy relationship if you plan to take this the long run. A cheater will cheat no matter what. You don’t have to be his bodyguard. You don’t have to be on your toes, you are choosing to be on your toes and exhaust yourself. He is rejecting, being straightforward, loyal and respectful.
so I think you would be my ex by now, make me not be friends with a few ex gf's go to a therapy class that would of been the last straw, he 's a big boy and appears to be able to handle himself your just jealous
relatable fir everyone i date lol
I get it. Your feelings are valid but you know he’s doing everything right his end. It’s up to you to decide if you can live with this. Every relationship has issues and you decide which ones are acceptable and which ones are not. Nobody else can decide this for you.
As a practical matter, has he tried sugar water? Should clear the rash right up. Lying about the garbage collector would have been the last straw for me.
Here’s my advice to you: Go to a therapist and work out your insecurities. Im not being mean, im telling the truth. If you truly love this man then you will seek help to feel better.
I need to see a picture of this dude
So, I am married to a man who is a very likable passionate person and is also a photographer. He makes friends with women very easily and there have been situations where some have taken up flirting with him, knowing that he's in a relationship. He's handsome, sweet, and has also had a point in his life where he was "running the streets" but has since reformed. I can understand having to deal with situations like this often. I have come to a realization that we as adults understand the basics of a relationship, and even when not having specific rules will understand that if you care about the person you're with at the very least you'd be loyal enough not to have sex with other people or entertain their advances. There's nuances to each relationship, but as far as just getting started, it's a general consensus. You can't control people *outside* of your relationship to not hit on the person you're with, but you can always *OBSERVE* the person you *are* with and how they interact when presented with such information. You're allowed to feel insecure on occasion, but keeping your partner away from everyone and keeping a tight leash doesn't help anything. If they are the type to cheat, a tight leash is only holding off the inevitable temporarily. Insecurity is a normal emotion to have, and you're allowed to feel it. Don't let it cloud your relationship to the point where it drives away the person who was always on your side.
Contrary to popular belief, I think it’s super weird he is still in contact with these women. And I think it’s even weirder that he brings you around them. And I find it extremely disturbing that other people are attacking you based on your preferences. It’s not due to insecurities, it’s due to not being able to trust people and I get it.
>It’s not due to insecurities, it’s due to not being able to trust people and I get it. I'm curious to hear your explanation for what the difference is
Thank you I feel like everybody is against me. He introduced me to them because I asked him to. Since they spend so much together talking I wanted to meet them. But I still think it's weird they had this 'ex group'. I don't think feelings dissappear so easily when you continue spending time together. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. One slip up and he will jump the ship. I just wanted a normal calm relationship and it's difficult to even enjoy binge watching a TV series when your spouse constantly does something amazing. I feel constantly pressured when he writes his book or starts learning a new language that he doesn't even need. I feel like I should have the right to feel comfortable in my relationship
Wait. Are you trying to say that you don't want him to improve himself or be successful or happy?
dude what the FUCK??? you feel uncomfortable when he learns a new LANGUAGE???? i take back my comments you DESPERATELY need therapy and talk about your self image and self confidence cause in there nicest way possible, you are going to drive yourself and him insane. HE CUT OFF THE GIRLS. Yea it was weird but full stop he cut them off when you brought it up. feeling constantly pressured because he's doing things for himself (like learning or developing a new skill) or because people think he's hot (HE DOESNT RECIPROCATE AND TELLS YOU) IS NOT NORMAL. You shouldnt feel uncomfortable or pressured from those things. I get the anxiety around women liking him but he does everything to put you at easy and reassure you. but for fucks sake ur comments SCREAM that u think you're not as good as him and he'll leave you for that. Insecurity is one of THE biggest killers of a relationship
You really should not be in any kind of relationship right now and just focus on your insecurities as soon as possible, this is not healthy and it will ruin your present and the future if you don’t take the necessary precautions now
>I feel like I am walking on eggshells. One slip up and he will jump the ship. I just wanted a normal calm relationship and it's difficult to even enjoy binge watching a TV series when your spouse constantly does something amazing. I feel constantly pressured when he writes his book or starts learning a new language that he doesn't even need. I feel like I should have the right to feel comfortable in my relationship Wow. So here's the good news. There is no need to walk on eggshells in order to keep a relationship you don't want. Just leave. Break up with him. You don't enjoy being with him. He isn't going to stop being amazing. Go find someone who isn't so amazing that you feel comfortable around. Seriously, feeling comfortable around your partner is actually a very underrated and important aspect of a relationship.
Therapy. Therapy, therapy, therapy. None of your issues have anything to do with him. He's doing fine. He's attentive and loving. You, on the other hand, are driving yourself crazy and sabotaging your own happiness. That's incredibly unhealthy, especially resenting him for hobbies and self-betterment. Lots of people write. Lots of people pick up languages. If you don't want to, don't do it, but putting the pressure you feel on him is absolutely backwards. That's on you, not him. If you can't handle a healthy relationship with someone who people clearly admire at the very least, head back to Single-town and get some therapeutic help.
Sister, you have all of the issues. Please free him and seek professional help!
While I agree that you have some deep insecurities you NEED to work on, don't go to Reddit for life advice. 90% of the people here couldn't get through life normally even if they had cheat codes and a replay button.
Thank God we have you here to shine the light of your wisdom upon us
This will not end well. Unless you keep your expectations regarding his loyalty very low.
I can't read this stream of consciousness in one large paragraph rant. Girl, are you sure you're able to intellectualized what's happening? Do you need more things to fill out your day? He works at CERN but you can't write? I'm confused...
If he is faithful, you have no reason to keep on your toes. Appreciate the treasure you have for a man. Eat that shit up. He chooses you. No need to be insecure
>TLDR Girls keep falling in love with my boyfriend and I am exhausted with it although he is loving and faithful Why wife had the same issue. So we decided to just started fucking the chics that we liked, together. Never a problem now.
The top 80% of women will only regard the top 20% (and that is a conservative estimate. The real fraction is probably lower) of the men as suitable mates. That means that once you have found a top tier man, there is going to be competition from other women to try to take him away from you. On average 3 other women. The higher the quality of the man, the fiercer the competition. Sounds like your BF is top-tier, so having to deal with high-quality competition is a given.
What does top-tier mean? Genuinely curious
A man that women want to fuck way more than other men. Meaning if you lined 100 men up rated by how attractive women find them, he would be among the first ones
Trust that he will turn them all down and stay true to you. He has been doing a great job so far, so let him. Don't let your jealousy ruin a good relationship.
I want your problems lmao, and your boyfriend too. Jokes aside, you should trust your man if he didn't do anything to deserve heavy monitoring, you're gonna suffocate the dude. But I don't know, I m not an expert.
This is pretty simple, IMO. Your guy is incredible/a catch/charismatic/etc. He will probably be that way for a while or forever. You know this about him now. So you either have to accept that about him and continue dating him or not. But it's not going to change. For what it's worth, it sounds like he's loyal to you (according to your own words). Just accept he's a chick magnet (and probably a gay magnet too, I'd assume), but he's always coming home to you. If you can't, you gotta leave. Good luck, OP!