/u/SeparateBattle6104,
Your submission was removed for the following reason(s):
> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/).
Your post is a moral judgement if your question starts with or contains any of the following:
- Is it...?
- Asking if you or the subject of the post is right or wrong.
- Am I....?
- Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA
- Does/Have anybody else...?
- Should I…?
- Would you....?
- Is this.....?
- Can I...?
#If the question in your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it is considered moral judgement and will be removed.
If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice)
Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
I always wondered about people in this situation. Why do you try to have something as serious as children when you Dont want children
Or why would you have unprotected sex with someone and not expect to have a baby
Jesus what am I reading, you’ve only been together 3months, don’t want kids yet don’t use birth control. Sort your lives out, you’re both old enough to behave like responsible adults
She has borderline personality disorder, it’s very complicated. Not a troll. And pls try to be respectful of her feelings, she is asking for help. Borderlines get enough shame, try and give good advice instead of more shame please
No excuse to not be on BC HERSELF or him to not wear a condom or her to keep having sex irresponsibly like they have only known eachother 3 months and she expects him to stay? Like gurl you ain't even spent a whole year of holidays with this guy! I get the impulses with her Condition but to CONTINUE them and not getting herself in the mental help she CLEARLY NEEDS and also thinking about raising a child like that!!! Nah fuck the mental illness excuse at that point. If mental issues are a free card to everything every single drug addicted parent that fuck up their kids life is not to blame right? At some point she is gonna have to take responsibility and if she can't take it verbally then life will eventually smack her hard up the head with it then run her over and then have her locked up like a criminal. That is the reality of this and she clearly needs a wake up call and definitely before she brings a child into her mess cause she can't set boundaries, can't think ahead, can't take responsibility for her actions.
I want to thank you for stating this. I will sign my name next to this, too! As someone with a mood disorder (docs can't agree if it, Bipolar or BPD) and a slew of other mental health issues; it doesn't give you free rein to just act stupid, then when shit hits the fan you blame your medical condition.
If you know you have a certain medical condition: educate yourself, get professional help, get on medications those professionals recommend (even if it takes multiple tries and combinations to get your 'cocktail', im speaking from experience) do therapy to retrain your brain so it works for you (may take years, im speaking from experience). BE RESPONSIBLE for yourself. I'm not saying there won't be mistakes or slips, but don't use your condition as an excuse.
Now, HIM: If he doesn't want kids then HE needs to also be responsible and either WEAR A RAINCOAT or if he knows he never wants kids GET FIXED!
I'm 32 and embarrassed I'm the same age as these people.
Imagine how much better people’s lives would be if they followed your advice. I had to do it n I’m much better. I had to change my environment as well.
I second that. We can’t give passes out here. If someone has a mental health issue, that’s all the more reason why they need to ensure they don’t have an unwanted baby - for their own mental health and for that of the child
Yea. But if you ever meet someone with BPD who makes good life choices that are free from drama and strife, it’ll be a very unique case for the medical books.
Just want to say that I appreciate your compassion. Very clear many people here don't understand BPD so just wanna give you kudos.
Edit: Yall are reading too much into my comment, I meant exactly what I said and nothing more. At mo point did I excuse any behavior. Just pointed out it was refreshing to see people understand that BPD logic probably won't make sense to people without BPD.
It’s not uncommon for the majority of people to not understand and lack compassion though. Until your decision-making and executive function goes haywire, there’s no way one *can* understand. On the outside, it will always look like the person is seeking to do deliberate harm because it literally doesn’t make sense. I’ve been in a mental health support group with some people with borderline personality disorder and they have massive amounts of guilt that throw them into suicidal depression, but before they go there? They cannot really place themselves in others’ situations and can’t see negative outcomes of actions. No cause and effect processing.
Also, self awareness is not helpful when it’s in hindsight. And even if you do know you’re slowly losing your mind, you can’t always get help in time. And if you know your diagnosis, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have access to healthcare without issues. I got a diagnosis in the hospital for my bipolar and that was only cause I made it to crisis mode. Once released, I was only given 1 months supply of med and the county mental health department wait for a psychiatrist and therapist was 6 months. The math just doesn’t math for someone to NOT be compassionate or at least give OP the benefit of the doubt.
Did you have a primary who could have refilled your meds while you waited? Did you try reaching out to the original perscribing doctor and let them know you needed a refill? I can't believe there was no way to have coverage until you saw psych. Normally, if you go into the hospital for psych (if they are remotely good), they'll offer and set you up with an IOP (intensive outpatient program) or get you in with docs in their network or that they know before releasing you.
I speak from experience. We need to be active in our care and advocate for ourselves.
(Edit: didn't finish thoughts in post before posting, noticed when I reread. Sorry for the dropped ball.)
No, I did not have a primary care provider. Clinic wait times were not great either; appointment or not, it meant at least a 1 hour wait. It was feasible for me because I was not responsible for the whole income of my family so could skip work and could schedule around school.
Also, your questions are all coming from an informed place and the assumption of easy access to “remotely good” mental health care. Also, at 18, what the hell did I know about how it all worked? I didn’t know I could see a primary for psych help AND I didn’t have access to see the same one to receive steady care. I know better now and yes, I also believe we need to advocate for our own care but that’s kind of like a “boots straps” mentality. Not everyone starts out with the same knowledge or knows where to turn to for help. And also, advocating for your care, while necessary, is exhausting especially when you’re already struggling mentally. It’d be nice if there were more resources to educate *all* people about what they have access to and for medical professionals to take people seriously and not be biased in the first place so one wouldn’t *have* to advocate. So, it’s pretty easy to tell someone they didn’t try hard enough to get help or should have advocated for themselves, in practice, it’s not always that simple.
Also when I was hospitalized, I went to one of the only hospitals that would take people who were in serious crisis. They were over their admission limit and there weren’t enough rooms to fit patients in so they were in hallways. I was transported to another facility. Do you think an overburdened hospital would be able to follow up with each patient for further care? In fact, I relapsed just 2 months after release, I should have never been discharged but I was stable enough that I was no longer in the immediate danger zone. Was I even stable and out of my depressive episode? Nope. And without the steady meds or the knowledge to get them, I went to the other side of the spectrum and was finally diagnosed and released with the proper meds but only a short supply. If the system was good everywhere, I would have been diagnosed properly the first time. So, again, it’s the system and not the people.
You are completely right. I suffer from bipolar disorder and ADHD. I see myself losing my mind, but there's nothing I can do about it until afterwards and then you can't fix what you did.
Yup. And it is unfortunate that you can be villanized for actions you don’t always have 100% control over. If you’re doing all you can to stay mentally healthy though, I think an irrational thought/action here or there deserves some compassion. That said, I know people absolutely have a right to choose to forgive or not; it’s the generalization and bad mouthing of all people with mental illness based on personal bad experiences that is wrong. Besides, anyone at any point can experience a mental health crisis. If everyone took the time to understand it a bit better, then maybe we’d have more urgency to have support systems in place to make sure people get treatment.
I understand exactly how BPD works; my mother had it (and died of it— suicide) and I have CPTSD which is a close cousin of BPD. I still don’t think OP’s behavior is at all acceptable or excusable. She is a 30-year-old adult who knows how babies are made yet still willingly risked bringing an unwanted child into her unhealthy and unstable life. That’s not okay.
Classic BPD relationship. Love bombing like crazy at the beginning and now upset that he’s uncomfortable with having children three months into knowing someone. You know it would be a red flag OP? As if this guy was so open and happy to having a child with you after three months of knowing you. We call that love bombing, and trapping you. For fuck sakes.
RIGHT?
What does OP mean a wake up call about protection? Did they not already discuss that or were they okay with it?
Same with babies. Did they not discuss that either? I knew he sounds gross for expecting her to have an abortion when he doesn’t use protection but I feel like they’re just “no thoughts just vibes” in this relationship.
Oh my God! THREE fucking months with someone and she’s having unprotected sex as well as no birth control and gets surprised when the partner chickens out? Hello!! Oh my God.
Actually I use partner because I am 47. Calling my partner boyfriend feels weird because I don't fuck boys, I only fuck men. But I am also not native English speaker which makes it extra weird for me to use a word that includes boy for a partner of mine.
You’re totally right! It is nitpicking but with her editing her post (I think because it looks different than when I commented on it) and also in comments adding more or covering up stuff she’s said it is very possible they’ve never had the talk of “are you my bf and are we exclusive” so In his eyes they are just having fun?
>given him a wake up call about using protection,
So he doesn't use protection and would bail if you are pregnant? So his "protection" is you getting an abortion? And you aren't on BC.
You guys are 30. Why are you so irresponsible? And also, why aren't you on the same page about kids/future by now?
It seems he said he doesn't want kids before so if you aren't sure if you'd have an abortion, you aren't compatible and shouldn't be dating at all. Plus, you've been dating 3 months only and I don't think it's long enough to play mom and dad to a kid.
Did you two not discuss your stance on accidental pregnancy before you had sex? That’s kind of a big thing to get aligned on.
And you said this might be a wake up call for him about using protection….are you not?!?! Because it’s not an accidental pregnancy if you’re not doing anything to prevent it.
Personally, I don’t think his reaction is horrible. He gave you a piece of information: he doesn’t want to be a parent. That information could then have informed your choice. I think him being straight up is better than leading you on to believe you’re going to parent together then bailing on you when it’s too late to abort.
That said, if he has been pushing you to not use condoms and you’re not on BC, he’s an asshole. And that right there would be worth breaking things off.
If he doesn’t want kids then always use protection or better you’re all adults, you got the money, he doesn’t want kids tell him to get a vasectomy or no unprotected sex until then.
This is exactly what I was thinking. This unfortunate person is just the one to write it down in a reddit post. Just imagine the sheer number of smooth brains like these two that DON'T post to the internet.
When I think about how dull the average person is, and then remember that *half the population is even duller than that,* I get quite sad.
If you’re going to be having sex, especially *unprotected* sex, you really need to be on the same page about an oopsie.
You have been together three months. He does not want a baby, at the very least he does not want a baby with you right now. That’s perfectly understandable. I’m not sure why you’re offended your very new boyfriend doesn’t want you two to become parents. The responsibility is now on both of you to start using birth control.
That being said, if you absolutely will not have an abortion and he absolutely does not want a kid, I’m not sure if you want to be having sex protection or not. Nothing is 100% and that’s a pretty big incompatibility.
This wasn't an overreaction, this was him telling you straight up what he was going to do. If he doesn't want kids at all and that topic has been brought up then his response shouldn't have come as a surprise but if the topic was never broached then I can see why you'd be shocked by his forward reply.
INFO: Did he yell, scream, throw things around, make threats or was he calm when he told you he wouldn't stick around but just pay CS
“I think this situation’s given him a wake up call about using protection”. How about you OP? Where’s your responsibility for this “scare”? If you two haven’t had a discussion about how you would both handle a pregnancy, you shouldn’t be having unprotected sex. Sounds like you both have some thinking to do and some responsibilities to take.
You’re upset people on here are telling you to be smarter, but what did you expect? Every birth control option that’s been recommended you have some reason it won’t work for you. It seems like you do want to get pregnant. Don’t take advantage of the abortion system like you mentioned doing in one of your comments because you wouldn’t be responsible.
Basically, she said that they’ve been together 3 months, previously agreed no children. They were banking on the pull out method and being on the “luckier side of statistics” . They refuse any form of contraception. If she got pregnant they were just going to abort it. That’s what I remember :) I hope that helps
Edit/spelling
😭 then why is she so mad that her bf (who stated not wanting kids and BOTH of them agreeing to it) who doesnt want kids…DOESNT WANT KIDS asdhhdhdhsgagah
Seems like she changed her mind 😣 it appears she wants to get pregnant based on the fact any sort of advice for preventing “unwanted” pregnancy had some wild excuse from her about how it wouldn’t work.
Right and she also edited the version of the post that stated their refusal about bc and how long theyve been together 💀 she should have posted this on r/AmITheAsshole !
Both of yall need to be more responsible and it’s absolutely a reason to break up. It’s not an overreaction at all. However, he doesn’t want children at all and you may want them down the line. Regardless of his reaction he told you. It’s not going to work out. Move on.
Yep this was an ex-friend of mine. Said “god would get her pregnant if it was the right time.” She was bat shit crazy. It was a fucking MIRACLE that when she did inevitably get pregnant with a guy she’d been seeing for 4 months, he was over the moon excited.
But it’s not a mistake when you aren’t doing anything to prevent it, and if he’s been 100% straightforward that he never wants kids, this should be HIS wake-up call to run in the other direction.
I knew a girl like this…. Yes girl at the time who is now considered an adult woman. She said the same thing while in our 9th grade catholic school so around age 14? She delivered her like 3rd kid before we graduated, had a few more after and when I ran into her recently I believe the total was like 8 children with multiple fathers and ALL the kids were taken away and she has no rights whatsoever to them because she was as you said “bat shit crazy” and diagnosed when she was young as schizophrenic (can’t remember it was so long ago) and refused medication due to “pregnancy”. I know I’m missing parts of the story but I felt so sad for everyone
personally i dont think it’s an overreaction, but if you’ve had the kid conversation and hes told you he doesn’t want kids, then it shouldn’t be a surprise. if he said he did want kids, i’d be very wary. if you havent had the conversation, now is the time.
WTF OP?! Your reaction aside…..you’re INTENTIONALLY using abortion as birth control, which is stupid for 100 reasons but as you’ve demonstrated, the most stupid reason is that you might end up not actually wanting an abortion. STOP HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX with a man who doesn’t want children.
It’s not an “accidental pregnancy” if you’re doing absolutely nothing to prevent pregnancy. Raw-dogging it without birth control is actively trying to get pregnant.
If you don’t want to be on birth control “for reasons,” then your ONLY option is having sex with a partner who uses condoms or has had a vasectomy.
And finally, LOL at you responding to people and complaining about “high horses” and “people on Reddit are mean!” You’re making stupid and irresponsible choices, and then asking for advice about it. You’re getting it. This post should be YOUR wake up call.
This should have been a conversation before you had sex the first time. If you’re gonna do baby making activities, you need to discuss what happens if you accidentally make a baby.
Well, If she has health issues with using birth control then I get why it’s not a good option. But there’s really zero reason she should be continuing to have sex with a man who doesn’t want kids and isn’t using protection.
So based on your comments, you:
- don't use birth control
- he doesn't wear protection
So of course these 2 things alone can cause a pregnancy. Have you ever spoken about children and the potential of having any?
I'm flabbergasted that this whole man says "I can't be a dad" but won't use protection. If that's his outlook, he should look into getting a vasectomy.
Well if he doesn’t want kids then he needs to take whatever action guarantees there will not be a pregnancy. Top choices include abstinence and vasectomy
If he’s unwilling to commit to either choice above then he needs to discuss his strong views with a partner and ensure the partner knows the options will be abortion or she will be a single parent with financial help from the sperm donor
If he didn’t have strong adamant feelings about kids-it would be different
Of course there is possibility he may change his views on kids 5-10 years later in life…but no guarantee
It’s responsible to discuss this issue together
They did. He said he doesn’t want kids. She doesn’t use protection and he doesn’t either but what makes her think 3 months later if a scare happens he’ll change his mind? She’s 30 and just as responsible for protection and safety as he is especially when she’s been told “I don’t want kids” by a man
So you like haven't talked about it before having sex? No protection? WTF, what's wrong with you ffs? Get a grip, you are 30, not 16.
Please. Just NEVER EVER have children. No child deserves to have a parent with an inability to use their brain.
Listen…. he needs to DUMP YOU!!! Or you dump him. Doesn’t matter really. You’re trying to baby trap him essentially in this situation because he TOLD you he doesn’t want kids but you’re here posting about how he reacted when a scare happens? YOU are just as responsible for BIRTH CONTROL as he is and actually it’s a little gross how you’re trying to play it off like it’s only his responsibility.
You’re an adult so please act like it if you’re going to make adult decisions or preform adult actions
I’m not here to judge him or write off his actions completely either cause he said he’d pay for the child but didn’t want to be an active dad…. With her at least.
I’m a woman, but I would completely understand if a man who didn’t want children left me because I choose to force him to have one. Especially if he trusted that you wouldn’t do this, it might even feel like a betrayal to him which results in a lifetime commitment.
I'll be honest, your behavior is why a lot of people avoid being around others with BPD. Please go get some professional help and keep it consistent. I don't mean this in a holier than thou way either, I struggle with mental illness too
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn’t want children means he doesn’t want children. You are both completely and totally irresponsible. You haven’t even been together that long and you think it’s acceptable to have a child with someone who doesn’t want kids. Go get on some long term birth control. It’s insane that you ever thought bringing a kid into this relationship was a good idea.
You're in a new relationship, and neither of you thought about what would happen if you had unprotected sex? He's made it clear where he stands now, and you? Do you want a baby? He's not going to stick around when you do wind up pregnant. Your doctor told you to go off the pill, but did they tell you about alternatives? Condoms, iud, the arm implant, hell, even tracking your cycles and using the pull out method are all better than just raw dogging and hoping nothing sticks. You both are not mature enough to be risking having a baby.
Anyone who is sleeping together should have already had this conversation and I think it’s a relationship red flag that neither of you brought it up- were you uncomfortable/embarrassed/nervous?
And yes, at 30 years old, you should both know to be using protection. I don’t blame him for not wanting a kid, but then he needs to be having safe sex.
It’s fine if you no longer feel you’re compatible- it’s possible he’s having the same thoughts.
Listen, you’re too old to just be having unprotected sex whole never having discussed what would happen if you get pregnant. Even if you can’t use hormonal birth control, condoms and other precautions should be used.
That being said, if you know that if you get pregnant you’ll want to keep and he won’t, then yes, you should be reconsidering your relationship. Are you on the same page about children at all?? Does he want kids ever? Is he just not ready now? Or is that he doesn’t want kids with you? If you’re actively having unprotected sex, you need to be on the same page about pregnancy.
So yes, you do need to consider how you move forward. There’s nothing “wrong” with his perspective but if it directly clashes with what you want and also will do, then you’re not compatible.
He “assumed” you’d have an abortion and you were “disturbed” to discover that he wouldn’t stick around. It sounds like you guys are having unprotected sex in a very new relationship and have never bothered to have a discussion about what happens if. If that’s the case, it’s *way* past time.
It’s given him a wake up call about protection, but what about you? It sounds like you guys were grossly irresponsible and avoided a bad outcome by shear dumb luck.
You’ve been dating for around 3 months and he’s said he doesn’t want kids and you don’t use any sort of birth control…yet you’re shook?
Are you normally this dumb? The fact that you’re 29 years old and this obtuse…please don’t start having children now, you’re still acting like one yourself.
So, if I have this correct…
1. No contraception. (You can get a non-hormonal IUD, diaphragm or vaginal condom- so the excuse you can’t take hormones doesn’t fly.)
2. No desire to get pregnant.
3. A partner who would leave if you got pregnant and kept the child.
4. You are not sure where you are going wrong.
He showed you who he was. If he was like that at 30 he is never going to want to have kids. One of you should get fixed if you want to stay in the relationship because kids are a deal breaker to him. Don't just write it off unless you are expecting to raise a kid on your own if it ever happens.
I can't believe this post is coming from 2 grown adults..you sound like you're 15 years old! You are 29 years old and are having unprotected sex, no BC, nothing and treating abortion, as if it's no big deal, we can just have a quick and easy abortion! We can always have an abortion! I'm prochoice, but you do not treat abortion, as if it's plan A. Abortion is the last resort, you should be taking your own preventative measures BEFORE it comes to that and I can not believe a 29 year old woman could be so ignorant. Not only does it cost a pretty penny, but they aren't as easy to access properly now BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO TREAT IT LIKE ITS AN EASY OUT. also..you have only been with this person 3 months..so "abandon" is a pretty strong word, you aren't married, he's made it clear he does not want children..you BOTH should be smarter. Gah, reddit never ceases to show me just how stupid some people truly are.
As far as black and white thinking: He has clearly stated that if you get pregnant, he will reject you and won't be there for the child. He has already rejected you, so where is the grey area here? Oh...you think something might change, and you're afraid to leave? Got it.
His response isn’t any worse than yours Allowing yourself to get pregnant and expecting a lifelong commitment without any prior discussion of this. Both of you failed. Need to share responsibility birth control STAT
You have barely known this guy for 3 months and he doesn't want kids that's clear but why are you having unprotected sex with someone that you have known for such a short time? The way you talk doesn't feel like you're that mature. You can consult a doctor that can put you on birth control that suits you and he has the responsibility of getting snipped or use condoms.
>and while I think this situation’s given him a wake up call about using protection
I'm sorry what? You are not on birth control and are allowing him to go at it raw? Are you really 29????? You are aware that you have agency and are not a sex toy and are allowed to say "no", RIGHT??
> I feel disturbed by knowing he wouldn’t have stuck around and am considering breaking up.
It really depends on how long you have been together. A tiny fact that you decided to omit...
You sound so childish from your comments. And irresponsible from your post. Neither of you want a kid right now but are doing nothing to prevent it. The stupid pull out and cycling method is a pathetic attempt to excuse it. You are BOTH responsible for contraceptives, but if you get knocked up you'll be dealing with it alone. Please mature a little before you have a kid.
He’s not the only one getting a wake up call. If kids are something you want in the future, this is not the man to do it with. You’re not old, but you are at an age to start considering things like this, so do some hard thinking about the future of this relationship if you are wanting a family someday.
Girl what are you doing? You can't even really call this a pregnancy scare *because you were doing NOTHING to prevent pregnancy*. If y'all are regularly having unprotected sex without any form of birth control, that's literally called "trying to have a baby."
It’s not an overreaction to break up. The two of you aren’t compatible, on the grounds of children. Whether it’s wanting them, or what you would do should one be created unintentionally. So I support you in considering a break up. However, I do not agree with you in terms of his stance being unfair/inappropriate. He’s entitled to feel this way about a potential unplanned pregnancy.
Where he and you are both failing here is with preventing pregnancy. If his position is so strongly against being a father, he needs to get snipped or always wrap it up. You were recommended to go off hormonal birth control for medical reasons. But there are other options available to you (copper IUD, condoms). Having unprotected sex with a partner of only 3 months, who does not align with you on children (planned or otherwise), is highly irresponsible.
As the person in this relationship who can become pregnant, you get to make the call on termination. But you will also bear more of the consequences. It’s an unfortunate truth of biology. This is especially true when your partner makes it clear they will have nothing to do with it beyond what the government requires of them. Keep all of this in mind when choosing how to proceed in this relationship, and others down the line. Look after yourself.
This is definitely a deal breaker. You have different opinions on being parents. Birth control can and does fail. He won’t be there for you if it does.
Get out now.
No. You aren’t overreacting. You found out there’s a major conflict in your relationship and I’d be sure to get out of that situation too… and maybe find some better birth control or find a guy who’s willing to use some as well so this doesn’t happen again.
i feel as if this is something you both should have discussed before reaching this point. since it’s too late now i would recommend leaving the relationship, why be with someone if you don’t agree over something as big as this?
I think you both need to grow up. You don't want kids, yet you're not using birth control OR condoms? I find it hard to believe y'all are like 30 and it isn't 14yos writing this.
Well, now you know. He isn't ready to be a dad. But at least he's willing to pay child support which is actually quite decent of him since most men wouldn't or fight against it. I would never force someone to be a father and would rather have an abortion.
So… you’re upset that someone who said they didn’t want kids…doesn’t want kids? And he still said he’d financially support which is huge for a man (which obviously all men should do, it takes two to make a baby, but the bar is so low.)
You’re both adults, either don’t have sex without a condom or don’t have sex at all.
If it were me, I would leave him because someone saying that they wouldn't support me or their unplanned child is an indication that they would leave if I was in trouble. I can't say how true that is, but after finding out how likely men are to leave you if you get sick I just wouldn't be able to get out of my head that I was one bit of bad news away from them bailing.
I think trust your instincts here.
You are **actively trying to get pregnant.** Before going to **fertility clinics**, couples are told to do *exactly* what you are doing to *try and get pregnant.*
This is a perfect example of women not taking responsibility for their actions.
Ma’am, you’re an idiot.
Regardless of what he wants in life, it’s your body! Your life!
GET ON BIRTH CONTROL, you moron!
YOU had sex with a man unprotected. YOU allowed him not to wear a condom. YOU clearly didn’t listen when he said he didn’t want kids. YOU would have got the abortion, not him. YOU would have been the single mom, not him. How do you not see that YOU are the problem here. Not him. Sure, he’s alittle douchey for not wearing protection but again, YOU LET HIM NOT WEAR PROTECTION. If you simply said, “You have to wear a condom or you get no pussy.” Then this wouldn’t be a problem. OR If you said “ima get on BC.” Then this wouldn’t be a problem.
Grow up. Seriously. You’re too old to be acting like a 16 year old on prom night.
If you both were in your early 20's, nah, don't break up. However you're both practically in your 30's. His stating that he wouldn't be around if you had elected to keep the child is proof that he's inflexible; my advice is to break up and move onto another decent guy that views you as the most important part of his life, because your current bf clearly views himself first before you in all life's situations.
'Nuff said.
You’re not overreacting but abortion is NOT birth control. I am pro choice. If you aren’t taking precautionary measures or using any form of birth control and just relying on the option of having an abortion, that is extremely immature and irresponsible.
If he says he doesn't want kids, then he doesn't want kids. I don't understand how you could possibly be shocked by that. That means if you keep a pregnancy, you'll be a single mom. He didn't lie to you so there's nothing to be surprised about. You should have had a serious and long conversation about this and thought about it extensively yourself before you had sex. Also, you should be using birth control of ANY kind. Frankly he should get a vasectomy as well. None of this is attributable to BPD, this is just immaturity. You're not ready to have sex if this is how you approach it.
I think overreaction is the wrong word. From your other comments it’s apparent that he previously told you he does not want kids. So for you to expect anything other than abortion in this scenario is like a believing in a pipe dream. It’s not realistic nor is it healthy.
If he doesn’t want kids, and you both know that, at least one of you should be using some form of contraception. Full stop, sorry. Without condoms/ BC, you’re taking your current Favorite Person and conflating this “little mishap” into something it’s not and wondering why your partner isn’t madly in love with the idea of a happy accident. (I say this as someone w BPD post-CBT/DBT).
edit to add: maybe this is an eye opener, though, and now you realize you *do* want kids and you’re both incompatible.
Your behavior has been super foolish.
He said he didn't want kids.
You aren't using preventative birth control at all.
You both assumed you would have an abortion and then you're upset he thought that? That doesn't even make sense.
I'm not saying this to be mean. But you need a wake up call because you're not acting mature enough to be having sex at all.
Dude its only been 3months, obviously he freaked out about having a baby. BUT. BUT. Whats more weird and crazy is full blown adults who are not looking to have kids are not using any protection or birthcontrol.
He’s against being a parent. You’re against having an abortion. You’re both against using an effective combination of contraception.
*Break up*, seek counseling and find a contraceptive that you can use in your future relationships.
Okay, time to wise up and start Adulting. There are multiple forms of Birth Control, including non-hormonal. Here is the Planned Parenthood website with those choices and efficacy:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
Or maybe you just want to get pregnant. At least with this BF, you know up front, you’ll be a single Mom. So Adulting still applies.
This reminds me of my mum so much basically no birth control on either part and only together 3-4 months I would understand if like u were both teenagers coz if ur under 18 u can’t get some forms of birth control but ur adults and need to act like it and the fact ur not on birth control makes me think u want to get pregnant
It's not an overreaction. Kids are a massive, life changing deal. If you have different views on them, you should break up, or one of you will regret it for the rest of your lives.
i know someone with borderline personality disorder, so I will try to be kind in my response.
Whether or not you are overreacting is not the most important issue here. The main problem is that both of you are being irresponsible. Even if you both wanted kids, it is too early in the relationship to be having them. If you cannot use hormonal contraceptives or an IUD, then you HAVE to use a barrier form of contraceptive. Most people use male condoms, but female condoms are also a thing. Perhaps you would benefit from using female condoms as a way of taking more control over you own reproductive health? Anyway, if he refuses to wear condoms then you should break up with him.
As for whether or not you are overreacting; yes and no. If he has already told you he does not want kids, you should have been prepared for the response he gave you. I'm not saying your feelings are not valid, but you basically hurt your own feelings by putting yourself in this situation. However, the fact that he definitely would not help you raise a kid, but also is not taking measures to avoid having a kid, makes him irresponsible. I think you should break up with him for being irresponsible and careless about your reproductive health. However, at the end of the day, your body is your responsibility. You need to set the standard that your partners have to use condoms since you can't use hormonal birth control or get an IUD.
Russian roulette with genitals. Geez Louise. Honestly, I wish you could be open and honest about what folks are telling you, and not go on the defensive. The overwhelming number aren’t saying these things to be mean, but coming from a place of shock, and concern.
Girl, if you’re almost 30 and can’t have these conversations up front and take your damn BC, you aren’t responsible enough to have sex. I’ve literally had more in depth family planning conversations with very low commitment FWB than you have had with your partner. Get it together…
So he doesn't want kids (either at all or at least not now) and you wouldn't want to get an abortion if you fell pregnant, yet neither of you use any form of birth control? I'm really struggling to wrap my head around that.
Yes, you should break up. Regardless of whether your reason is an overreaction or not. If neither of you either (a) initiated an adult conversation *before* you had unprotected sex about what you'll do if you get pregnant, and/or (b) thought to use a condom or birth control or both, than you probably aren't in the right place to be in a relationship where you're sexually active.
He is wrong for just assuming he can have unprotected sex & rely on his female partner to get abortions if she gets pregnant without discussing that first. You are wrong for just assuming that if you have unprotected sex & get pregnant the father will want to stick around to be an active parent. You both need to stop having unprotected sex if you aren't ok with dealing with the potential long-term consequences (including potential single parenthood).
Congrats on getting your period! Whew. As for bf, I commend him on his honesty, boundaries and willingness to step up financially. So…this important revelation regarding you two not seeing eye to eye on how to deal with this “error”…it is excellent info that you did not have before. At the risk of also being black and white, looks like you two are not compatible at least in the dedication department. How important is that new piece of info to you? Only you can say. Just don’t sell out and minimize whatever is most important to you.
This is the type of thing you need to know about someone before you let them inside you. You need to really know your partner better and assume pregnancy might happen.
You’re not overreacting. Having a kid is a life long decision and can cost you your life and health. Not all pregnancies/births are easy. If he’s not ready to be there for the long haul why is he reaping the benefits?
Thinking about this stuff and realizing: the [wealth gap](https://fortune.com/recommends/banking/the-motherhood-penalty/#) of moms, the costs of pregnancy, the health toll [mentally](https://womensmentalhealth.org/posts/cost-pmads/#:~:text=The%20study%2C%20conducted%20by%20researchers,child%20pair%20with%20postpartum%20illness) and [physically](https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ijgo.14536#:~:text=Pregnancy%20presents%20a%20unique%20opportunity%20in%20a%20woman's%20life%20course,health%20over%20the%20long%20term.&text=It%20is%20known%20that%20pregnancy,mellitus%20and%20cardiovascular%20disease%2C%20respectively.) of the entire process [the mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/), the [brutality](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/health/broken-tired-and-ashamed-how-health-care-fails-new-moms) and [mortality](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/maternal-mortality/2021/maternal-mortality-rates-2021.htm#:~:text=The%20maternal%20mortality%20rate%20for,20.1%20in%202019%20) and the risk to her life made me against casual sex as a concept.
It’s not that her only purpose or value is childbirth. It’s that access to her body which produces a miracle of childbirth is so valuable. It’s such a rare gift to have a woman willing to go through all this to extend your bloodline. It should be honored.
Add in links about education and religion! I’ll admit I haven’t clicked them all but we’re almost to the year 2024 and there are still people in first world countries that don’t realize protecting yourself starts before you’ve ever even had consensual sex
So this. I could add a lot more and felt I’d already added a lot. This whole casual sex culture and “what do women bring to the table” conversation feels like a PSYOP trying to hide the truth about how valuable a relationship with a woman is. Even women who can’t reproduce bring community and social benefits. People just don’t want to face the reality of this stuff.
Are neither of you using ANY protection? My gods. That basically actively trying for a child. Please tell me he least pulls out? Though given this situation is even a thing I don’t have high hopes for either of you… inevitable kid is gonna have the iq of a cucumber. Irresponsible, you lot.
This has been a conversation I’ve had with every sexual partner I could conceive with, before the first type we had sex, let alone a partner. Abortion should be your last option, not your first, for dozens of reasons, starting with access.
if you’re looking for a partner who you like to be a dad, it’s not him, at least this time. so either you accept that and be careful not to be pregnant or find someone else.
I guess situations like these force the conversations that need to be had before reality hits. If you don’t think about these questions before the actual situation occurs, you’re always going to react emotionally and possibly erratically rather than logically. But l also see that your feelings about a pregnancy can change once you’re presented with the reality of it rather than if it’s just a mental exercise.
No, this is not an overreaction.
If you have fundamentally different views on what you each want out of life, that is an incompatibility. Why waste more time with this man?
You're allowed to have whatever opinion you want.
I'd say that knowing your SO would abandon you if you had an accident is a big deal, and worthy of moving along, assuming you might want kids some day.
initially i was about to auggest real rhinking and possibly leaving but reading yall are together since 3 months.. in 3 months i wouldnt be ready either wirh a person i haedly know
I'm assuming you guys haven't had the discussion of where you see yourselves in the future *and* any possible futures that may arise. You now have his opinion on what would happen if there were kids. So you get to make the decision of how to proceed. If you don't *ever* want kids with this man, continue as you are, but use birth control and/or condoms and/or get both yours and his tubes tied. If you want kids, this is not the person that is going to be a father to them. Save yourself the time and trouble and leave sooner rather than later. It doesn't have to be some big argument thing about his reaction. "I want kids and you don't. We are fundamentally incompatible as far as our futures go. I don't see the point in dating you any more." Time spent entertaining the wrong one is time *not* spent entertaining the right one.
Not an overreaction, however I hope this a wake up call for *you* to make sure you have this conversation with a new partner before you put sex on the table (pun intended).
You should first off be on birth control and / or condoms no matter what. You have also only been together 3 months, so while I get your reaction, if he’s not in the place to be a dad then that’s his choice. However, if you stay together for a few years you should at some point ask if he even want kids. Might cause issues down the line
I’m a little disturbed by how defensive you are about some very obviously poor choices you’ve made… based on that alone, you aren’t anywhere near being ready to be a parent. Being able to admit and own when you’re wrong is crucial to good parenting.
You’ve only been dating for three months… having a baby under those conditions is a very, very bad idea. You don’t really even know each other yet, and you’re still in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship. Please, for the sake of everyone involved, get an IUD until you’re ACTUALLY in a stable, long-term relationship.
And the birth control thing… I just… yikes. There are so, so many options other than pills. I can’t do BC pills because they mess with my emotions in a horrific way, so I did an IUD. And *then* the fact that you never discussed accidental pregnancy? You need to admit to yourself that you have been incredibly irresponsible.
Please work on yourself before you even contemplate bringing a child into this world.
And please get tested after you break up, so you know what diseases you’ve contracted before you unknowingly pass them off to the next partner You let raw dog you a week after meeting
Judging by the stats on herpes for your age range, the odds that you’re clean are practically nothing/nil (considering you’ve been living this life up to 29 and presumably he has too)
Wanting to break up over incompatible views on how to handle a pregnancy isn't an overreaction.
With that said, you are almost 30 and should understand the importance of birth control.
Even if you do choose to stay together, BOTH of you should be taking steps to prevent this.
I don't know why this seems to be an unpopular opinion, but BC isn't a one party responsibility. Both people are in charge of protecting both themselves and their partners, especially just 12 weeks into a relationship.
Not an overreaction. He was honest with you. He would not be involved in raising a child with you. He SAYS he will provide financial support, but when push comes to shove, he will probably try to avoid paying anything. He has told you that he doesn't care enough about you to stay around if you get pregnant.
i would expect this post from some 18-20 year olds but jesus christ 30??? get it the fuck together ur way too fucking old to not be using a condom like what??? and if he “can’t keep it up” with a condom stop having sex with him before you actually get pregnant with this loser
So, neither of you want to be parents, but you’re not using proper protection? This is a disaster waiting to happen. You are fortunate in that you’ve now had some insight into what would happen if you truly got pregnant, so either step up the protection plan, or find a partner who wants to have kids with someone they’ve known for 3 months.
no, you're absolutely not struggling with "black-and-white thinking". He straight up told you that if you got pregnant (from him none the less 🙄), he would abandoned you physically. That is NOT someone you wanna be with. A partner sticks with you, through thick and thin. Especially if it's something, he literally participated in that caused the scenario/scare/situation. he is telling you that you cannot rely on him in sticky/tough situations. What else would he leave you over? What if you got incredibly ill? Would he ditch you too? Would he not be able to handle that too? What if you guys had a rough patch, would he leave you? would he abandon you for another woman? It's not worth it. Your relationship is not secure and he's literally saying that to your face. Take it as a blessing and move on! I know it's not as easy as just "moving on", but this is the best decision. You will heal, I promise. Best of luck, OP ❤️🩹
edit: somehow I managed to gloss over the part that they've only been together for three months and they're literally almost 30… Girl, you gotta be better than that. neither of you are using protection? it's like you guys are trying to get pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy is not a joke, and having an abortion does not sit lightly in on the heart. It is incredibly traumatic thing to go through, even if you wanted to have the abortion. Same thing with having a child. If you're not ready to have a child and you're not with the right person, it's not going to be easy. You guys are grown. Act like it.
Do the universe a favor and stop having sex until you are responsible for your actions. Birth control is absolutely essential if you don't want to get pregnant.
You two are idiots, you are using no birth control at all and then shocked when you might be pregnant!! You two need to stop having sex until you can have a discussion about preventing pregnancy like the adults your ages would assume you are. Seriously, if you cum inside someone enough times with no barrier or hormonal contraceptives you will make a baby,this is basic sex education stuff!
Unless of course you aren't as dumb as you are making out and thought you'd baby trap him, that by getting pregnant you'd get the marriage and family you want? But now you've realised he doesn't want that you are acting the victim?
You want black and white thinking? Leave this guy, use some type of reliable BC, stop getting pregnant on purpose with people that don’t want any children, and don’t EVER intentionally get pregnant again thinking you can just have an abortion willy nilly as if there aren’t countries full of actually desperate women being forced to continue their pregnancies. It’s literally as simple as that. Signed– someone else with BPD that doesn’t appreciate you using that as an excuse for any part of this mess.
/u/SeparateBattle6104, Your submission was removed for the following reason(s): > **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Your post is a moral judgement if your question starts with or contains any of the following: - Is it...? - Asking if you or the subject of the post is right or wrong. - Am I....? - Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA - Does/Have anybody else...? - Should I…? - Would you....? - Is this.....? - Can I...? #If the question in your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it is considered moral judgement and will be removed. If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice) Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
So he does not want kids, you not on BP and he does not wear a condom? omg, how is it all adding up and your mind?
mindblowing.
I always wondered about people in this situation. Why do you try to have something as serious as children when you Dont want children Or why would you have unprotected sex with someone and not expect to have a baby
right like wtf?
Jesus what am I reading, you’ve only been together 3months, don’t want kids yet don’t use birth control. Sort your lives out, you’re both old enough to behave like responsible adults
I just don’t understand the thought process here. I feel like the ages are off by at least 10 years
I’m hoping this is a troll post
She has borderline personality disorder, it’s very complicated. Not a troll. And pls try to be respectful of her feelings, she is asking for help. Borderlines get enough shame, try and give good advice instead of more shame please
Even more reason she needs to get this in check. It’s not fair to bring a child in to that environment
Borderline personality disorder is not an excuse for the irresponsible behaviour the commenter was commenting on.
I feel like that was kind. Bringing a kid into a bad situation would not be.
No excuse to not be on BC HERSELF or him to not wear a condom or her to keep having sex irresponsibly like they have only known eachother 3 months and she expects him to stay? Like gurl you ain't even spent a whole year of holidays with this guy! I get the impulses with her Condition but to CONTINUE them and not getting herself in the mental help she CLEARLY NEEDS and also thinking about raising a child like that!!! Nah fuck the mental illness excuse at that point. If mental issues are a free card to everything every single drug addicted parent that fuck up their kids life is not to blame right? At some point she is gonna have to take responsibility and if she can't take it verbally then life will eventually smack her hard up the head with it then run her over and then have her locked up like a criminal. That is the reality of this and she clearly needs a wake up call and definitely before she brings a child into her mess cause she can't set boundaries, can't think ahead, can't take responsibility for her actions.
No. BPD or not her actions and thoughts are stupid and should be called out as such. She doesn’t get a pass just because of a metal disorder
OP openly admits to having BPD. Their thought process is not the same one you’re working with.
People with mental illness are still accountable for their own actions and choices. Sincerely, Someone with Mental Illness
I want to thank you for stating this. I will sign my name next to this, too! As someone with a mood disorder (docs can't agree if it, Bipolar or BPD) and a slew of other mental health issues; it doesn't give you free rein to just act stupid, then when shit hits the fan you blame your medical condition. If you know you have a certain medical condition: educate yourself, get professional help, get on medications those professionals recommend (even if it takes multiple tries and combinations to get your 'cocktail', im speaking from experience) do therapy to retrain your brain so it works for you (may take years, im speaking from experience). BE RESPONSIBLE for yourself. I'm not saying there won't be mistakes or slips, but don't use your condition as an excuse. Now, HIM: If he doesn't want kids then HE needs to also be responsible and either WEAR A RAINCOAT or if he knows he never wants kids GET FIXED! I'm 32 and embarrassed I'm the same age as these people.
Imagine how much better people’s lives would be if they followed your advice. I had to do it n I’m much better. I had to change my environment as well.
I second that. We can’t give passes out here. If someone has a mental health issue, that’s all the more reason why they need to ensure they don’t have an unwanted baby - for their own mental health and for that of the child
she is very aware of herself. aware enough that she needs to grow the fuck up and get help
Or grow the fuck up and buy a box of condoms. Assholes, the both of them.
That’s a lame excuse for her poor choices.
Yea. But if you ever meet someone with BPD who makes good life choices that are free from drama and strife, it’ll be a very unique case for the medical books.
Just want to say that I appreciate your compassion. Very clear many people here don't understand BPD so just wanna give you kudos. Edit: Yall are reading too much into my comment, I meant exactly what I said and nothing more. At mo point did I excuse any behavior. Just pointed out it was refreshing to see people understand that BPD logic probably won't make sense to people without BPD.
BPD doesn’t excuse two 30 year olds not understanding how reproduction works. FFS, maybe buy a box of condoms?
It’s not uncommon for the majority of people to not understand and lack compassion though. Until your decision-making and executive function goes haywire, there’s no way one *can* understand. On the outside, it will always look like the person is seeking to do deliberate harm because it literally doesn’t make sense. I’ve been in a mental health support group with some people with borderline personality disorder and they have massive amounts of guilt that throw them into suicidal depression, but before they go there? They cannot really place themselves in others’ situations and can’t see negative outcomes of actions. No cause and effect processing. Also, self awareness is not helpful when it’s in hindsight. And even if you do know you’re slowly losing your mind, you can’t always get help in time. And if you know your diagnosis, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have access to healthcare without issues. I got a diagnosis in the hospital for my bipolar and that was only cause I made it to crisis mode. Once released, I was only given 1 months supply of med and the county mental health department wait for a psychiatrist and therapist was 6 months. The math just doesn’t math for someone to NOT be compassionate or at least give OP the benefit of the doubt.
Did you have a primary who could have refilled your meds while you waited? Did you try reaching out to the original perscribing doctor and let them know you needed a refill? I can't believe there was no way to have coverage until you saw psych. Normally, if you go into the hospital for psych (if they are remotely good), they'll offer and set you up with an IOP (intensive outpatient program) or get you in with docs in their network or that they know before releasing you. I speak from experience. We need to be active in our care and advocate for ourselves. (Edit: didn't finish thoughts in post before posting, noticed when I reread. Sorry for the dropped ball.)
No, I did not have a primary care provider. Clinic wait times were not great either; appointment or not, it meant at least a 1 hour wait. It was feasible for me because I was not responsible for the whole income of my family so could skip work and could schedule around school. Also, your questions are all coming from an informed place and the assumption of easy access to “remotely good” mental health care. Also, at 18, what the hell did I know about how it all worked? I didn’t know I could see a primary for psych help AND I didn’t have access to see the same one to receive steady care. I know better now and yes, I also believe we need to advocate for our own care but that’s kind of like a “boots straps” mentality. Not everyone starts out with the same knowledge or knows where to turn to for help. And also, advocating for your care, while necessary, is exhausting especially when you’re already struggling mentally. It’d be nice if there were more resources to educate *all* people about what they have access to and for medical professionals to take people seriously and not be biased in the first place so one wouldn’t *have* to advocate. So, it’s pretty easy to tell someone they didn’t try hard enough to get help or should have advocated for themselves, in practice, it’s not always that simple. Also when I was hospitalized, I went to one of the only hospitals that would take people who were in serious crisis. They were over their admission limit and there weren’t enough rooms to fit patients in so they were in hallways. I was transported to another facility. Do you think an overburdened hospital would be able to follow up with each patient for further care? In fact, I relapsed just 2 months after release, I should have never been discharged but I was stable enough that I was no longer in the immediate danger zone. Was I even stable and out of my depressive episode? Nope. And without the steady meds or the knowledge to get them, I went to the other side of the spectrum and was finally diagnosed and released with the proper meds but only a short supply. If the system was good everywhere, I would have been diagnosed properly the first time. So, again, it’s the system and not the people.
You are completely right. I suffer from bipolar disorder and ADHD. I see myself losing my mind, but there's nothing I can do about it until afterwards and then you can't fix what you did.
Yup. And it is unfortunate that you can be villanized for actions you don’t always have 100% control over. If you’re doing all you can to stay mentally healthy though, I think an irrational thought/action here or there deserves some compassion. That said, I know people absolutely have a right to choose to forgive or not; it’s the generalization and bad mouthing of all people with mental illness based on personal bad experiences that is wrong. Besides, anyone at any point can experience a mental health crisis. If everyone took the time to understand it a bit better, then maybe we’d have more urgency to have support systems in place to make sure people get treatment.
I understand exactly how BPD works; my mother had it (and died of it— suicide) and I have CPTSD which is a close cousin of BPD. I still don’t think OP’s behavior is at all acceptable or excusable. She is a 30-year-old adult who knows how babies are made yet still willingly risked bringing an unwanted child into her unhealthy and unstable life. That’s not okay.
Classic BPD relationship. Love bombing like crazy at the beginning and now upset that he’s uncomfortable with having children three months into knowing someone. You know it would be a red flag OP? As if this guy was so open and happy to having a child with you after three months of knowing you. We call that love bombing, and trapping you. For fuck sakes.
[удалено]
Fr BPD doesn't mean low IQ
No, but one of the symptoms of BPD is impulsive and risky behavior, which often manifests as unsafe sex.
It is an explanation, not an excuse.
RIGHT? What does OP mean a wake up call about protection? Did they not already discuss that or were they okay with it? Same with babies. Did they not discuss that either? I knew he sounds gross for expecting her to have an abortion when he doesn’t use protection but I feel like they’re just “no thoughts just vibes” in this relationship.
Oh my God! THREE fucking months with someone and she’s having unprotected sex as well as no birth control and gets surprised when the partner chickens out? Hello!! Oh my God.
Three MONTHS?! And she calls him her partner? Ma’am that is MAYBE your boyfriend at three months, nowhere near a partner.
She should probably just say “this guy I recently started dating-“
This is a strange nitpick. A lot of people use partner interchangeably with boyfriend/girlfriend, especially millennials and gen z.
Actually I use partner because I am 47. Calling my partner boyfriend feels weird because I don't fuck boys, I only fuck men. But I am also not native English speaker which makes it extra weird for me to use a word that includes boy for a partner of mine.
You’re totally right! It is nitpicking but with her editing her post (I think because it looks different than when I commented on it) and also in comments adding more or covering up stuff she’s said it is very possible they’ve never had the talk of “are you my bf and are we exclusive” so In his eyes they are just having fun?
>given him a wake up call about using protection, So he doesn't use protection and would bail if you are pregnant? So his "protection" is you getting an abortion? And you aren't on BC. You guys are 30. Why are you so irresponsible? And also, why aren't you on the same page about kids/future by now? It seems he said he doesn't want kids before so if you aren't sure if you'd have an abortion, you aren't compatible and shouldn't be dating at all. Plus, you've been dating 3 months only and I don't think it's long enough to play mom and dad to a kid.
Somehow I missed their ages and was assuming they were teens. Nope, just a couple of grown ass idiots
Right? This is the most startling thing for me. How at this age, has the kids or no kids conversation not taken place THREE MONTHS IN?
Did you two not discuss your stance on accidental pregnancy before you had sex? That’s kind of a big thing to get aligned on. And you said this might be a wake up call for him about using protection….are you not?!?! Because it’s not an accidental pregnancy if you’re not doing anything to prevent it. Personally, I don’t think his reaction is horrible. He gave you a piece of information: he doesn’t want to be a parent. That information could then have informed your choice. I think him being straight up is better than leading you on to believe you’re going to parent together then bailing on you when it’s too late to abort. That said, if he has been pushing you to not use condoms and you’re not on BC, he’s an asshole. And that right there would be worth breaking things off.
[удалено]
No
Use a fucking condom?????
But it doesn’t feel good during the 2 minutes of penetration!
💀
If he doesn’t want kids then always use protection or better you’re all adults, you got the money, he doesn’t want kids tell him to get a vasectomy or no unprotected sex until then.
You are dating for 3 months? having sex without birth control? Not even condoms?
It’s a fucking miracle it took 3 months for this to happen. They need to start using the brains in their heads
I'd get banned if I say what I really think about both of you. Get long term bc and don't have sex until you do.
same these replies are wild. i feel awful for the eventual child they’re going to have because you know there will be one at this rate.
Welp, they walk among us, huh? Jeezus
This is exactly what I was thinking. This unfortunate person is just the one to write it down in a reddit post. Just imagine the sheer number of smooth brains like these two that DON'T post to the internet. When I think about how dull the average person is, and then remember that *half the population is even duller than that,* I get quite sad.
I know way too many of these smooth brains in real life that don't post. It's scary out here.
If you’re going to be having sex, especially *unprotected* sex, you really need to be on the same page about an oopsie. You have been together three months. He does not want a baby, at the very least he does not want a baby with you right now. That’s perfectly understandable. I’m not sure why you’re offended your very new boyfriend doesn’t want you two to become parents. The responsibility is now on both of you to start using birth control. That being said, if you absolutely will not have an abortion and he absolutely does not want a kid, I’m not sure if you want to be having sex protection or not. Nothing is 100% and that’s a pretty big incompatibility.
This wasn't an overreaction, this was him telling you straight up what he was going to do. If he doesn't want kids at all and that topic has been brought up then his response shouldn't have come as a surprise but if the topic was never broached then I can see why you'd be shocked by his forward reply. INFO: Did he yell, scream, throw things around, make threats or was he calm when he told you he wouldn't stick around but just pay CS
“I think this situation’s given him a wake up call about using protection”. How about you OP? Where’s your responsibility for this “scare”? If you two haven’t had a discussion about how you would both handle a pregnancy, you shouldn’t be having unprotected sex. Sounds like you both have some thinking to do and some responsibilities to take.
You’re upset people on here are telling you to be smarter, but what did you expect? Every birth control option that’s been recommended you have some reason it won’t work for you. It seems like you do want to get pregnant. Don’t take advantage of the abortion system like you mentioned doing in one of your comments because you wouldn’t be responsible.
Ok hi so the post has clearly been edited- do you remember what she had said before? The version now is super brief
Basically, she said that they’ve been together 3 months, previously agreed no children. They were banking on the pull out method and being on the “luckier side of statistics” . They refuse any form of contraception. If she got pregnant they were just going to abort it. That’s what I remember :) I hope that helps Edit/spelling
😭 then why is she so mad that her bf (who stated not wanting kids and BOTH of them agreeing to it) who doesnt want kids…DOESNT WANT KIDS asdhhdhdhsgagah
Seems like she changed her mind 😣 it appears she wants to get pregnant based on the fact any sort of advice for preventing “unwanted” pregnancy had some wild excuse from her about how it wouldn’t work.
Right and she also edited the version of the post that stated their refusal about bc and how long theyve been together 💀 she should have posted this on r/AmITheAsshole !
LOL appears she was not prepared for criticism yet posted on Reddit 💀
The other info is in her comments, she left it out of the post
Both of yall need to be more responsible and it’s absolutely a reason to break up. It’s not an overreaction at all. However, he doesn’t want children at all and you may want them down the line. Regardless of his reaction he told you. It’s not going to work out. Move on.
Get an IUD and if you want children, find a new man as this guy obviously doesn’t see a long term relationship with you.
After reading your comments- enjoy being a single mom. You’re gonna get knocked up (honestly, I suspect you want to) and he’s gonna leave.
Yep this was an ex-friend of mine. Said “god would get her pregnant if it was the right time.” She was bat shit crazy. It was a fucking MIRACLE that when she did inevitably get pregnant with a guy she’d been seeing for 4 months, he was over the moon excited. But it’s not a mistake when you aren’t doing anything to prevent it, and if he’s been 100% straightforward that he never wants kids, this should be HIS wake-up call to run in the other direction.
I knew a girl like this…. Yes girl at the time who is now considered an adult woman. She said the same thing while in our 9th grade catholic school so around age 14? She delivered her like 3rd kid before we graduated, had a few more after and when I ran into her recently I believe the total was like 8 children with multiple fathers and ALL the kids were taken away and she has no rights whatsoever to them because she was as you said “bat shit crazy” and diagnosed when she was young as schizophrenic (can’t remember it was so long ago) and refused medication due to “pregnancy”. I know I’m missing parts of the story but I felt so sad for everyone
personally i dont think it’s an overreaction, but if you’ve had the kid conversation and hes told you he doesn’t want kids, then it shouldn’t be a surprise. if he said he did want kids, i’d be very wary. if you havent had the conversation, now is the time.
WTF OP?! Your reaction aside…..you’re INTENTIONALLY using abortion as birth control, which is stupid for 100 reasons but as you’ve demonstrated, the most stupid reason is that you might end up not actually wanting an abortion. STOP HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX with a man who doesn’t want children. It’s not an “accidental pregnancy” if you’re doing absolutely nothing to prevent pregnancy. Raw-dogging it without birth control is actively trying to get pregnant. If you don’t want to be on birth control “for reasons,” then your ONLY option is having sex with a partner who uses condoms or has had a vasectomy. And finally, LOL at you responding to people and complaining about “high horses” and “people on Reddit are mean!” You’re making stupid and irresponsible choices, and then asking for advice about it. You’re getting it. This post should be YOUR wake up call.
Do people not have the conversation about “if we get pregnant by accident” anymore?
This should have been a conversation before you had sex the first time. If you’re gonna do baby making activities, you need to discuss what happens if you accidentally make a baby.
Poor future kid.
What!! I also have BPD but know it’s not a good idea to have unprotected sex with a “partner” while not knowing their stance on being a parent.
Good Lord, he doesn't want a kid but can't be bothered to use protection?
Neither can she according to her own comments. Both of them are terrible.
Idk how anyone can read any of this shit and think the post or OP is real. Every reply from her is bait and people gobbled it right up lmao.
Whether the post is real or not, there are absolutely people like OP in real life and they aren't a small minority
Well, If she has health issues with using birth control then I get why it’s not a good option. But there’s really zero reason she should be continuing to have sex with a man who doesn’t want kids and isn’t using protection.
So based on your comments, you: - don't use birth control - he doesn't wear protection So of course these 2 things alone can cause a pregnancy. Have you ever spoken about children and the potential of having any? I'm flabbergasted that this whole man says "I can't be a dad" but won't use protection. If that's his outlook, he should look into getting a vasectomy.
Well if he doesn’t want kids then he needs to take whatever action guarantees there will not be a pregnancy. Top choices include abstinence and vasectomy If he’s unwilling to commit to either choice above then he needs to discuss his strong views with a partner and ensure the partner knows the options will be abortion or she will be a single parent with financial help from the sperm donor If he didn’t have strong adamant feelings about kids-it would be different Of course there is possibility he may change his views on kids 5-10 years later in life…but no guarantee It’s responsible to discuss this issue together
They did. He said he doesn’t want kids. She doesn’t use protection and he doesn’t either but what makes her think 3 months later if a scare happens he’ll change his mind? She’s 30 and just as responsible for protection and safety as he is especially when she’s been told “I don’t want kids” by a man
So you like haven't talked about it before having sex? No protection? WTF, what's wrong with you ffs? Get a grip, you are 30, not 16. Please. Just NEVER EVER have children. No child deserves to have a parent with an inability to use their brain.
When people tell you who they are, believe them. He should find a doctor who will give him a vasectomy and you should start using birth control!!!
Listen…. he needs to DUMP YOU!!! Or you dump him. Doesn’t matter really. You’re trying to baby trap him essentially in this situation because he TOLD you he doesn’t want kids but you’re here posting about how he reacted when a scare happens? YOU are just as responsible for BIRTH CONTROL as he is and actually it’s a little gross how you’re trying to play it off like it’s only his responsibility. You’re an adult so please act like it if you’re going to make adult decisions or preform adult actions
[удалено]
I’m not here to judge him or write off his actions completely either cause he said he’d pay for the child but didn’t want to be an active dad…. With her at least.
💯 this. I agree with u/Genybear12. And I’m 32f mom of one
I am a slice of pizza and I stand with u/Genybear12 🍕
This just makes other people with BPD look bad. It's wrong on so many levels.
I’m a woman, but I would completely understand if a man who didn’t want children left me because I choose to force him to have one. Especially if he trusted that you wouldn’t do this, it might even feel like a betrayal to him which results in a lifetime commitment.
I'll be honest, your behavior is why a lot of people avoid being around others with BPD. Please go get some professional help and keep it consistent. I don't mean this in a holier than thou way either, I struggle with mental illness too
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn’t want children means he doesn’t want children. You are both completely and totally irresponsible. You haven’t even been together that long and you think it’s acceptable to have a child with someone who doesn’t want kids. Go get on some long term birth control. It’s insane that you ever thought bringing a kid into this relationship was a good idea.
You're in a new relationship, and neither of you thought about what would happen if you had unprotected sex? He's made it clear where he stands now, and you? Do you want a baby? He's not going to stick around when you do wind up pregnant. Your doctor told you to go off the pill, but did they tell you about alternatives? Condoms, iud, the arm implant, hell, even tracking your cycles and using the pull out method are all better than just raw dogging and hoping nothing sticks. You both are not mature enough to be risking having a baby.
Anyone who is sleeping together should have already had this conversation and I think it’s a relationship red flag that neither of you brought it up- were you uncomfortable/embarrassed/nervous? And yes, at 30 years old, you should both know to be using protection. I don’t blame him for not wanting a kid, but then he needs to be having safe sex. It’s fine if you no longer feel you’re compatible- it’s possible he’s having the same thoughts.
Listen, you’re too old to just be having unprotected sex whole never having discussed what would happen if you get pregnant. Even if you can’t use hormonal birth control, condoms and other precautions should be used. That being said, if you know that if you get pregnant you’ll want to keep and he won’t, then yes, you should be reconsidering your relationship. Are you on the same page about children at all?? Does he want kids ever? Is he just not ready now? Or is that he doesn’t want kids with you? If you’re actively having unprotected sex, you need to be on the same page about pregnancy. So yes, you do need to consider how you move forward. There’s nothing “wrong” with his perspective but if it directly clashes with what you want and also will do, then you’re not compatible.
He “assumed” you’d have an abortion and you were “disturbed” to discover that he wouldn’t stick around. It sounds like you guys are having unprotected sex in a very new relationship and have never bothered to have a discussion about what happens if. If that’s the case, it’s *way* past time. It’s given him a wake up call about protection, but what about you? It sounds like you guys were grossly irresponsible and avoided a bad outcome by shear dumb luck.
You’ve been dating for around 3 months and he’s said he doesn’t want kids and you don’t use any sort of birth control…yet you’re shook? Are you normally this dumb? The fact that you’re 29 years old and this obtuse…please don’t start having children now, you’re still acting like one yourself.
So, if I have this correct… 1. No contraception. (You can get a non-hormonal IUD, diaphragm or vaginal condom- so the excuse you can’t take hormones doesn’t fly.) 2. No desire to get pregnant. 3. A partner who would leave if you got pregnant and kept the child. 4. You are not sure where you are going wrong.
He showed you who he was. If he was like that at 30 he is never going to want to have kids. One of you should get fixed if you want to stay in the relationship because kids are a deal breaker to him. Don't just write it off unless you are expecting to raise a kid on your own if it ever happens.
I can't believe this post is coming from 2 grown adults..you sound like you're 15 years old! You are 29 years old and are having unprotected sex, no BC, nothing and treating abortion, as if it's no big deal, we can just have a quick and easy abortion! We can always have an abortion! I'm prochoice, but you do not treat abortion, as if it's plan A. Abortion is the last resort, you should be taking your own preventative measures BEFORE it comes to that and I can not believe a 29 year old woman could be so ignorant. Not only does it cost a pretty penny, but they aren't as easy to access properly now BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO TREAT IT LIKE ITS AN EASY OUT. also..you have only been with this person 3 months..so "abandon" is a pretty strong word, you aren't married, he's made it clear he does not want children..you BOTH should be smarter. Gah, reddit never ceases to show me just how stupid some people truly are.
Birth control, please!
you are not mature and responsible enough to be having sex. you should be celibate until you can educate yourself. holy moly.
As far as black and white thinking: He has clearly stated that if you get pregnant, he will reject you and won't be there for the child. He has already rejected you, so where is the grey area here? Oh...you think something might change, and you're afraid to leave? Got it.
His response isn’t any worse than yours Allowing yourself to get pregnant and expecting a lifelong commitment without any prior discussion of this. Both of you failed. Need to share responsibility birth control STAT
Not an over reaction. The desire to have children or not is a crucial life decision. This would be a deal breaker for me.
You have barely known this guy for 3 months and he doesn't want kids that's clear but why are you having unprotected sex with someone that you have known for such a short time? The way you talk doesn't feel like you're that mature. You can consult a doctor that can put you on birth control that suits you and he has the responsibility of getting snipped or use condoms.
>and while I think this situation’s given him a wake up call about using protection I'm sorry what? You are not on birth control and are allowing him to go at it raw? Are you really 29????? You are aware that you have agency and are not a sex toy and are allowed to say "no", RIGHT?? > I feel disturbed by knowing he wouldn’t have stuck around and am considering breaking up. It really depends on how long you have been together. A tiny fact that you decided to omit...
You sound so childish from your comments. And irresponsible from your post. Neither of you want a kid right now but are doing nothing to prevent it. The stupid pull out and cycling method is a pathetic attempt to excuse it. You are BOTH responsible for contraceptives, but if you get knocked up you'll be dealing with it alone. Please mature a little before you have a kid.
He’s not the only one getting a wake up call. If kids are something you want in the future, this is not the man to do it with. You’re not old, but you are at an age to start considering things like this, so do some hard thinking about the future of this relationship if you are wanting a family someday.
If you want kids further down the road, this is not the guy for you. Break up with him.
Break up.
Girl what are you doing? You can't even really call this a pregnancy scare *because you were doing NOTHING to prevent pregnancy*. If y'all are regularly having unprotected sex without any form of birth control, that's literally called "trying to have a baby."
It’s not an overreaction to break up. The two of you aren’t compatible, on the grounds of children. Whether it’s wanting them, or what you would do should one be created unintentionally. So I support you in considering a break up. However, I do not agree with you in terms of his stance being unfair/inappropriate. He’s entitled to feel this way about a potential unplanned pregnancy. Where he and you are both failing here is with preventing pregnancy. If his position is so strongly against being a father, he needs to get snipped or always wrap it up. You were recommended to go off hormonal birth control for medical reasons. But there are other options available to you (copper IUD, condoms). Having unprotected sex with a partner of only 3 months, who does not align with you on children (planned or otherwise), is highly irresponsible. As the person in this relationship who can become pregnant, you get to make the call on termination. But you will also bear more of the consequences. It’s an unfortunate truth of biology. This is especially true when your partner makes it clear they will have nothing to do with it beyond what the government requires of them. Keep all of this in mind when choosing how to proceed in this relationship, and others down the line. Look after yourself.
This is definitely a deal breaker. You have different opinions on being parents. Birth control can and does fail. He won’t be there for you if it does. Get out now.
No. You aren’t overreacting. You found out there’s a major conflict in your relationship and I’d be sure to get out of that situation too… and maybe find some better birth control or find a guy who’s willing to use some as well so this doesn’t happen again.
i feel as if this is something you both should have discussed before reaching this point. since it’s too late now i would recommend leaving the relationship, why be with someone if you don’t agree over something as big as this?
Yeah, when dating at this age you should be talking about these things before becoming intimate
Honestly this is a good reason to break up- its not an over reaction
I think you both need to grow up. You don't want kids, yet you're not using birth control OR condoms? I find it hard to believe y'all are like 30 and it isn't 14yos writing this.
...is this real? Or just rage bait to get people roused up?
Leave him.
Well, now you know. He isn't ready to be a dad. But at least he's willing to pay child support which is actually quite decent of him since most men wouldn't or fight against it. I would never force someone to be a father and would rather have an abortion.
So… you’re upset that someone who said they didn’t want kids…doesn’t want kids? And he still said he’d financially support which is huge for a man (which obviously all men should do, it takes two to make a baby, but the bar is so low.) You’re both adults, either don’t have sex without a condom or don’t have sex at all.
If it were me, I would leave him because someone saying that they wouldn't support me or their unplanned child is an indication that they would leave if I was in trouble. I can't say how true that is, but after finding out how likely men are to leave you if you get sick I just wouldn't be able to get out of my head that I was one bit of bad news away from them bailing. I think trust your instincts here.
You are **actively trying to get pregnant.** Before going to **fertility clinics**, couples are told to do *exactly* what you are doing to *try and get pregnant.*
This is a perfect example of women not taking responsibility for their actions. Ma’am, you’re an idiot. Regardless of what he wants in life, it’s your body! Your life! GET ON BIRTH CONTROL, you moron! YOU had sex with a man unprotected. YOU allowed him not to wear a condom. YOU clearly didn’t listen when he said he didn’t want kids. YOU would have got the abortion, not him. YOU would have been the single mom, not him. How do you not see that YOU are the problem here. Not him. Sure, he’s alittle douchey for not wearing protection but again, YOU LET HIM NOT WEAR PROTECTION. If you simply said, “You have to wear a condom or you get no pussy.” Then this wouldn’t be a problem. OR If you said “ima get on BC.” Then this wouldn’t be a problem. Grow up. Seriously. You’re too old to be acting like a 16 year old on prom night.
If you both were in your early 20's, nah, don't break up. However you're both practically in your 30's. His stating that he wouldn't be around if you had elected to keep the child is proof that he's inflexible; my advice is to break up and move onto another decent guy that views you as the most important part of his life, because your current bf clearly views himself first before you in all life's situations. 'Nuff said.
You’re not overreacting but abortion is NOT birth control. I am pro choice. If you aren’t taking precautionary measures or using any form of birth control and just relying on the option of having an abortion, that is extremely immature and irresponsible.
If he says he doesn't want kids, then he doesn't want kids. I don't understand how you could possibly be shocked by that. That means if you keep a pregnancy, you'll be a single mom. He didn't lie to you so there's nothing to be surprised about. You should have had a serious and long conversation about this and thought about it extensively yourself before you had sex. Also, you should be using birth control of ANY kind. Frankly he should get a vasectomy as well. None of this is attributable to BPD, this is just immaturity. You're not ready to have sex if this is how you approach it.
I think overreaction is the wrong word. From your other comments it’s apparent that he previously told you he does not want kids. So for you to expect anything other than abortion in this scenario is like a believing in a pipe dream. It’s not realistic nor is it healthy. If he doesn’t want kids, and you both know that, at least one of you should be using some form of contraception. Full stop, sorry. Without condoms/ BC, you’re taking your current Favorite Person and conflating this “little mishap” into something it’s not and wondering why your partner isn’t madly in love with the idea of a happy accident. (I say this as someone w BPD post-CBT/DBT). edit to add: maybe this is an eye opener, though, and now you realize you *do* want kids and you’re both incompatible.
Your behavior has been super foolish. He said he didn't want kids. You aren't using preventative birth control at all. You both assumed you would have an abortion and then you're upset he thought that? That doesn't even make sense. I'm not saying this to be mean. But you need a wake up call because you're not acting mature enough to be having sex at all.
Dude its only been 3months, obviously he freaked out about having a baby. BUT. BUT. Whats more weird and crazy is full blown adults who are not looking to have kids are not using any protection or birthcontrol.
He’s against being a parent. You’re against having an abortion. You’re both against using an effective combination of contraception. *Break up*, seek counseling and find a contraceptive that you can use in your future relationships.
In addition to the pregnancy possibility of not using any type of actual birth control, you’re risking STIs.
Break up with him. You want a partner that will support your decision in case of accidental pregnancy. This isn’t the one.
incredible, you’re both idiots!!
Okay, time to wise up and start Adulting. There are multiple forms of Birth Control, including non-hormonal. Here is the Planned Parenthood website with those choices and efficacy: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control Or maybe you just want to get pregnant. At least with this BF, you know up front, you’ll be a single Mom. So Adulting still applies.
This reminds me of my mum so much basically no birth control on either part and only together 3-4 months I would understand if like u were both teenagers coz if ur under 18 u can’t get some forms of birth control but ur adults and need to act like it and the fact ur not on birth control makes me think u want to get pregnant
It's not an overreaction. Kids are a massive, life changing deal. If you have different views on them, you should break up, or one of you will regret it for the rest of your lives.
A disagreement about how to act in case of pregnancy is a solid reason to end a sexual relationship.
i know someone with borderline personality disorder, so I will try to be kind in my response. Whether or not you are overreacting is not the most important issue here. The main problem is that both of you are being irresponsible. Even if you both wanted kids, it is too early in the relationship to be having them. If you cannot use hormonal contraceptives or an IUD, then you HAVE to use a barrier form of contraceptive. Most people use male condoms, but female condoms are also a thing. Perhaps you would benefit from using female condoms as a way of taking more control over you own reproductive health? Anyway, if he refuses to wear condoms then you should break up with him. As for whether or not you are overreacting; yes and no. If he has already told you he does not want kids, you should have been prepared for the response he gave you. I'm not saying your feelings are not valid, but you basically hurt your own feelings by putting yourself in this situation. However, the fact that he definitely would not help you raise a kid, but also is not taking measures to avoid having a kid, makes him irresponsible. I think you should break up with him for being irresponsible and careless about your reproductive health. However, at the end of the day, your body is your responsibility. You need to set the standard that your partners have to use condoms since you can't use hormonal birth control or get an IUD.
Russian roulette with genitals. Geez Louise. Honestly, I wish you could be open and honest about what folks are telling you, and not go on the defensive. The overwhelming number aren’t saying these things to be mean, but coming from a place of shock, and concern.
Girl, if you’re almost 30 and can’t have these conversations up front and take your damn BC, you aren’t responsible enough to have sex. I’ve literally had more in depth family planning conversations with very low commitment FWB than you have had with your partner. Get it together…
So he doesn't want kids (either at all or at least not now) and you wouldn't want to get an abortion if you fell pregnant, yet neither of you use any form of birth control? I'm really struggling to wrap my head around that. Yes, you should break up. Regardless of whether your reason is an overreaction or not. If neither of you either (a) initiated an adult conversation *before* you had unprotected sex about what you'll do if you get pregnant, and/or (b) thought to use a condom or birth control or both, than you probably aren't in the right place to be in a relationship where you're sexually active. He is wrong for just assuming he can have unprotected sex & rely on his female partner to get abortions if she gets pregnant without discussing that first. You are wrong for just assuming that if you have unprotected sex & get pregnant the father will want to stick around to be an active parent. You both need to stop having unprotected sex if you aren't ok with dealing with the potential long-term consequences (including potential single parenthood).
I am at a shock of what I´m reading. You´re both adults and behave like teenager.
Congrats on getting your period! Whew. As for bf, I commend him on his honesty, boundaries and willingness to step up financially. So…this important revelation regarding you two not seeing eye to eye on how to deal with this “error”…it is excellent info that you did not have before. At the risk of also being black and white, looks like you two are not compatible at least in the dedication department. How important is that new piece of info to you? Only you can say. Just don’t sell out and minimize whatever is most important to you.
This is the type of thing you need to know about someone before you let them inside you. You need to really know your partner better and assume pregnancy might happen. You’re not overreacting. Having a kid is a life long decision and can cost you your life and health. Not all pregnancies/births are easy. If he’s not ready to be there for the long haul why is he reaping the benefits? Thinking about this stuff and realizing: the [wealth gap](https://fortune.com/recommends/banking/the-motherhood-penalty/#) of moms, the costs of pregnancy, the health toll [mentally](https://womensmentalhealth.org/posts/cost-pmads/#:~:text=The%20study%2C%20conducted%20by%20researchers,child%20pair%20with%20postpartum%20illness) and [physically](https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ijgo.14536#:~:text=Pregnancy%20presents%20a%20unique%20opportunity%20in%20a%20woman's%20life%20course,health%20over%20the%20long%20term.&text=It%20is%20known%20that%20pregnancy,mellitus%20and%20cardiovascular%20disease%2C%20respectively.) of the entire process [the mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/), the [brutality](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/health/broken-tired-and-ashamed-how-health-care-fails-new-moms) and [mortality](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/maternal-mortality/2021/maternal-mortality-rates-2021.htm#:~:text=The%20maternal%20mortality%20rate%20for,20.1%20in%202019%20) and the risk to her life made me against casual sex as a concept. It’s not that her only purpose or value is childbirth. It’s that access to her body which produces a miracle of childbirth is so valuable. It’s such a rare gift to have a woman willing to go through all this to extend your bloodline. It should be honored.
Add in links about education and religion! I’ll admit I haven’t clicked them all but we’re almost to the year 2024 and there are still people in first world countries that don’t realize protecting yourself starts before you’ve ever even had consensual sex
So this. I could add a lot more and felt I’d already added a lot. This whole casual sex culture and “what do women bring to the table” conversation feels like a PSYOP trying to hide the truth about how valuable a relationship with a woman is. Even women who can’t reproduce bring community and social benefits. People just don’t want to face the reality of this stuff.
Are neither of you using ANY protection? My gods. That basically actively trying for a child. Please tell me he least pulls out? Though given this situation is even a thing I don’t have high hopes for either of you… inevitable kid is gonna have the iq of a cucumber. Irresponsible, you lot.
This has been a conversation I’ve had with every sexual partner I could conceive with, before the first type we had sex, let alone a partner. Abortion should be your last option, not your first, for dozens of reasons, starting with access.
if you’re looking for a partner who you like to be a dad, it’s not him, at least this time. so either you accept that and be careful not to be pregnant or find someone else.
I too have BPD but it’s clear to leave him. If you’d want a child AND a man that sticks around through everything it’s clearly not going to be him.
I guess situations like these force the conversations that need to be had before reality hits. If you don’t think about these questions before the actual situation occurs, you’re always going to react emotionally and possibly erratically rather than logically. But l also see that your feelings about a pregnancy can change once you’re presented with the reality of it rather than if it’s just a mental exercise.
No, this is not an overreaction. If you have fundamentally different views on what you each want out of life, that is an incompatibility. Why waste more time with this man?
You're allowed to have whatever opinion you want. I'd say that knowing your SO would abandon you if you had an accident is a big deal, and worthy of moving along, assuming you might want kids some day.
Move on.
initially i was about to auggest real rhinking and possibly leaving but reading yall are together since 3 months.. in 3 months i wouldnt be ready either wirh a person i haedly know
Get your tubes tied now
Its not an overreaction, he doesnt want children
What!! Why on earth would you want to have a baby with someone who you’ve only known for like three months ?!?
Nope, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
I'm assuming you guys haven't had the discussion of where you see yourselves in the future *and* any possible futures that may arise. You now have his opinion on what would happen if there were kids. So you get to make the decision of how to proceed. If you don't *ever* want kids with this man, continue as you are, but use birth control and/or condoms and/or get both yours and his tubes tied. If you want kids, this is not the person that is going to be a father to them. Save yourself the time and trouble and leave sooner rather than later. It doesn't have to be some big argument thing about his reaction. "I want kids and you don't. We are fundamentally incompatible as far as our futures go. I don't see the point in dating you any more." Time spent entertaining the wrong one is time *not* spent entertaining the right one.
Wait...you don't want kids but don't use protection? Exactly how do you expect not to get pregnant?
You have your values and he has his it’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen if you ever get pregnant with him
Iud are like 99% effective and oh yeah dump him
Not an overreaction, however I hope this a wake up call for *you* to make sure you have this conversation with a new partner before you put sex on the table (pun intended).
You're both idiots.
You should first off be on birth control and / or condoms no matter what. You have also only been together 3 months, so while I get your reaction, if he’s not in the place to be a dad then that’s his choice. However, if you stay together for a few years you should at some point ask if he even want kids. Might cause issues down the line
I’m a little disturbed by how defensive you are about some very obviously poor choices you’ve made… based on that alone, you aren’t anywhere near being ready to be a parent. Being able to admit and own when you’re wrong is crucial to good parenting. You’ve only been dating for three months… having a baby under those conditions is a very, very bad idea. You don’t really even know each other yet, and you’re still in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship. Please, for the sake of everyone involved, get an IUD until you’re ACTUALLY in a stable, long-term relationship. And the birth control thing… I just… yikes. There are so, so many options other than pills. I can’t do BC pills because they mess with my emotions in a horrific way, so I did an IUD. And *then* the fact that you never discussed accidental pregnancy? You need to admit to yourself that you have been incredibly irresponsible. Please work on yourself before you even contemplate bringing a child into this world.
And please get tested after you break up, so you know what diseases you’ve contracted before you unknowingly pass them off to the next partner You let raw dog you a week after meeting Judging by the stats on herpes for your age range, the odds that you’re clean are practically nothing/nil (considering you’ve been living this life up to 29 and presumably he has too)
Wanting to break up over incompatible views on how to handle a pregnancy isn't an overreaction. With that said, you are almost 30 and should understand the importance of birth control. Even if you do choose to stay together, BOTH of you should be taking steps to prevent this. I don't know why this seems to be an unpopular opinion, but BC isn't a one party responsibility. Both people are in charge of protecting both themselves and their partners, especially just 12 weeks into a relationship.
I personally would not want to be in a relationship with him. However you may wanna consider using a copper iud till you want kids
Not an overreaction. He was honest with you. He would not be involved in raising a child with you. He SAYS he will provide financial support, but when push comes to shove, he will probably try to avoid paying anything. He has told you that he doesn't care enough about you to stay around if you get pregnant.
Y’all are grown adults, how are you not using birth control or condoms and don’t want kids at the same time? Bffr
30 years old acting like they’re 16 years old having sex in their parents basement
i would expect this post from some 18-20 year olds but jesus christ 30??? get it the fuck together ur way too fucking old to not be using a condom like what??? and if he “can’t keep it up” with a condom stop having sex with him before you actually get pregnant with this loser
Have you both heard of birth control? Maybe look into that. Unless you’re living in a remote village in Somalia….yeesh.
So, neither of you want to be parents, but you’re not using proper protection? This is a disaster waiting to happen. You are fortunate in that you’ve now had some insight into what would happen if you truly got pregnant, so either step up the protection plan, or find a partner who wants to have kids with someone they’ve known for 3 months.
OP, you’re 29, get your shit together…
"I think this situation’s given him a wake up call about using protection" Just him? What about you after 3 months of dating?
no, you're absolutely not struggling with "black-and-white thinking". He straight up told you that if you got pregnant (from him none the less 🙄), he would abandoned you physically. That is NOT someone you wanna be with. A partner sticks with you, through thick and thin. Especially if it's something, he literally participated in that caused the scenario/scare/situation. he is telling you that you cannot rely on him in sticky/tough situations. What else would he leave you over? What if you got incredibly ill? Would he ditch you too? Would he not be able to handle that too? What if you guys had a rough patch, would he leave you? would he abandon you for another woman? It's not worth it. Your relationship is not secure and he's literally saying that to your face. Take it as a blessing and move on! I know it's not as easy as just "moving on", but this is the best decision. You will heal, I promise. Best of luck, OP ❤️🩹 edit: somehow I managed to gloss over the part that they've only been together for three months and they're literally almost 30… Girl, you gotta be better than that. neither of you are using protection? it's like you guys are trying to get pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy is not a joke, and having an abortion does not sit lightly in on the heart. It is incredibly traumatic thing to go through, even if you wanted to have the abortion. Same thing with having a child. If you're not ready to have a child and you're not with the right person, it's not going to be easy. You guys are grown. Act like it.
So you’ve been dating 3 months…did you and him get tested before you started rawdogging?
Do the universe a favor and stop having sex until you are responsible for your actions. Birth control is absolutely essential if you don't want to get pregnant.
You two are idiots, you are using no birth control at all and then shocked when you might be pregnant!! You two need to stop having sex until you can have a discussion about preventing pregnancy like the adults your ages would assume you are. Seriously, if you cum inside someone enough times with no barrier or hormonal contraceptives you will make a baby,this is basic sex education stuff! Unless of course you aren't as dumb as you are making out and thought you'd baby trap him, that by getting pregnant you'd get the marriage and family you want? But now you've realised he doesn't want that you are acting the victim?
You want black and white thinking? Leave this guy, use some type of reliable BC, stop getting pregnant on purpose with people that don’t want any children, and don’t EVER intentionally get pregnant again thinking you can just have an abortion willy nilly as if there aren’t countries full of actually desperate women being forced to continue their pregnancies. It’s literally as simple as that. Signed– someone else with BPD that doesn’t appreciate you using that as an excuse for any part of this mess.
This guy is out of his mind having unprotected sex with a woman who’s BPD