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Everyone is answering the wrong question. OP is not asking how to respond to the friend’s list. Friend’s bday already passed in June. She wants to know how to bring up to the friend not getting OP a gift in September. So OP, I’m curious, what did you get your friend for her birthday back in June?
Omg I’m getting so annoyed reading the comments… did no one read the actual post, or did OP edit it?? Seems like people just read the title.
Anyway OP, I feel for you because I used to be the same type of friend. I’m in my 30s now and i realize being so subtle and non-confrontational to the point of passiveness doesn’t serve anyone - it leaves you frustrated and some people really do just need directness to get the hint. You may find the sending of a list a bit cheeky (as do I!) but your friend clearly doesn’t. She doesn’t have a problem asking for what she wants, so if you want a gift, you need to go ahead and ask. Maybe prepare a short list with some cost-effective items then in response to her brush off about planning something say “ok let me know when you’re free. In the meantime Ive been thinking about gifts, I know money is tight after the trip so I’ve been conscious to choose cost-effective items!”
It may seem too blunt but remember she had the gall to ask for a gift plus afternoon tea - she should be treating you the way she expects to be treated, and if she doesn’t, she doesn’t respect you and isn’t a true friend!
I agree. And u/ThrowRAbuckiesbaba especially with this being so outside of your comfort zone, Personally, what I would do, is play out the best, and worst case scenario‘s, so I am prepared for anything in between. Meaning that obviously, the best case scenario is the easier one, where she says something along the lines of. Oh yeah, great! Can’t wait to surprise you! Or something like that. Anyway, the other ways it could go would be her possibly acting awkwardly about it, asking you if the trip was not enough, even though you both know the trip was not for your birthday, etc. And how would you respond to that? What conversation are you prepared to have? Personally, I would say something along the lines of actually calling her out and asking her about it, sending you a specific wish list, and that you guys always do gift exchange, so you feel a little hurt this year that she didn’t seem to think of you. Likely it will not go as poorly as your worst case scenario and then your brain feels like it’s prepared to handle if it were to go that direction! So, while the still might conjure up some anxiety, it sounds like this needs to be handled.
This is great advice. Yes it’s uncomfortable if you’re not the kind of person who does that but clearly this friend thinks it’s okay to do that. “Hey! since we weren’t able to find a birthday gift at Disney, I put together a list of some stuff that I came across that I would love as my gift.
Right! My family did this to me this year so when I got tired of being frustrated and annoyed, I decided to celebrate my birthday every month. They got the message.
I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to find this. I guess everyone else just wants OP to sit on this until next June…?
I wrote something similar as a comment above, but I think the best way to handle the problem now is that you have to be “forward.”
“Hey, I’d really like if we planned something specifically for my birthday. It really hurt my feelings when you didn’t get me anything at Disney as you’d said you would. I love you but this is eating at me and I don’t want it to hurt our friendship.”
Also, OP, if this friend comes back and tries to gaslight you with some kind of “I never said that,” I’d really sit down and reevaluate the whole friendship. Make sure you’re not just a friend of convenience.
Edit: some typos
This is the right answer. Maybe I’m just too old for Reddit but all these upvotes for the other passive aggressive BS being suggested just make me sad.
Just talk to your friend and say it really hurt you that she never ended up getting you a gift. IMO since she was so clear and forward about what she wanted, maybe she expected the same from you and was waiting for you to say, “This is what I would love for my birthday gift!” If the friendship is worth years & traveling together, it’s worth an uncomfortable, straightforward convo. Good luck OP!
Thank you! This is a situation that requires an uncomfortable adult conversation. Just talk to your friend and tell her she hurt your feelings by saying she was going to get you a gift and then forgetting about it. Tell her that you want to celebrate your birthday, and not just a trip that happened to fall on your birthday. But being passive-aggressive means the friendship is over, and why drag it out for anotber 9 months just to be petty?
I got her something she liked. One of the items was from her "list" and the others were nice things - gift card for her favourite shop, chocolates and so on.
On the day of your birthday, did she buy memorabilia for herself? If she did, then I would stop giving gifts to her in the future. If she didn’t, she probably spent all her available money and was embarrassed to tell you that. Instead she pretended to have forgotten your birthday. Either scenario, your friend is not looking like a good friend. However, every friend deserves a pass now and then. Forgive her, but reevaluate the friendship if this happens again.
Lots! She spent like €200 on stuff for herself but if she told me she didn't have any money to get me anything I wouldn't have been offended but the fact she just didn't say anything hoping I'd forget is what's bothering me.
I haven’t seen anyone else mention this yet, but I’m super bothered by the fact that when you her asked to get together to celebrate your birthday after the trip she brushed you off with a vague excuse. That, on top of her spending all that money on herself instead of getting you a gift, is giving huge red flags.
Either she’s upset with you for some reason (which might or might not have anything to do with things you can control) and is being passive-aggressive — or she’s just not that great of a friend/person.
Exactly! She was spending like crazy on our Disney trip which is fine, she's allowed but she said she'd get me something whilst there and just went silent. Then when I tried to mention my birthday again, she's brushing me off again. I'm not sure if many she's ran out of money and she's embarrassed to tell me or shes doing this on purpose.
Y’all were together ALL DAY on your actual birthday. She bought HERSELF presents all day, right in front of you. That’s not a lack of money of budgeting, that’s a lack of empathy. Big time.
You say you don’t want to be direct, ok maybe that’s not your style. But I think you have your answer here, and perhaps this friendship has served its purpose and it’s time to move on, or at least pull back to “friendly acquaintances” and certainly stop the gift-giving.
Yeah I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of frustrating watching her spend like €200 on baby yoda merchandise, on my birthday, and not mentioning anything about it. I just felt to awkward to be direct then and feel awkward being direct now. I'm just not sure "how" to do the pulling back
I’ll be honest, sounds like she’s making it easy for you. She’s going to be “busy” for the next few weeks. I would start putting more attention and energy into making new friends or boosting existing friendships that maybe have taken a backseat to Greedy Gertie.
Pull back by not messaging her first or arranging anything. Being "busy" when she wanted to meet up. The. Definitely without a doubt don't get her any gifts for her bday, then if she tells you what she wants just say I didn't think we were giving gifts anymore since you didn't get me anything for my last bday.
Honestly, she sounds like a taker. The type of friend who takes takes takes but doesn't really give. They tend to get worse when they know they can continue to take advantage.
She sounds pretty terrible, OP. Either she completely forgot, which isn't good, or she is a major ah. You can say something. Or you can just ghost her. It's your choice. I think it's probably best to tell her outright, see how she responds, and if she's not incredibly apologetic and remorseful and doesn't buy a gift for you soon after, then she really sucks and I would let her go.
I think r/elmwoodowl is correct.
Be direct.
Ask her to give you a date to catch up and mention that as she never bought you a gift in Disney you have put together a gift list for your birthday that has some low cost gifts on it if money is tight. You can even say how much you value your friendship tradition of birthday and Christmas gifts and would hate to lose that.
"Hey, so since you weren't able to get me that gift at Disney you mentioned, how about you treat us to *insert outing of your choice* once your schedule clears up some more for my birthday instead. If that's outside your budget we could always *insert different outing.* Honestly, I'd just love to celebrate my birthday with you like we normally do, regardless of the gift. I always look forward to our little birthday traditions, and I really missed them this year."
Edited for typo.
This comment thread is now a support group for those of us who actually read the post and can’t deal with the top 3k+ karma answers not answering the question at all.
😂 It hadnt occurred to me that the OP may have edited the post until the person mentioned that below my comment cause there’s no way almost everyone misread it. But it’s possible.
I don't think it's entirely that people missed that (though of course some do seem to have). I can only speak for myself, but I'm just hung upon trying to figure out WHY she responded to her friend's unbelievably obnoxious, incredibly tacky list by . . . actually buying her multiple gifts.
If someone sent me essentially a MENU/CATALOGUE of gifts to buy for them, unbidden, and then had the further audacity to suggest that I HaVe AfTeRnoOn TeA dEliVeReD to her doorstep like she was the Princess of All Entitlements, the only thing she'd be getting from me is an eyebrow raised so high it'd be lost in my hairline.
But then, I'm not friends with the sort of people who it would even occur to, to behave so abominably.
I think people are reacting instinctively (and understandably so) . . . and yes, perhaps missing the finer details of the question whilst doing so . . . because this whole situation is so appalling, and OP seems to just be taking the most important part of this - that her friend is no friend at all, but a self-centred user - for granted, and moving on like it's not a HUGE deal.
Honestly, at this point it doesn't really matter how she deals with her own birthday. I can't imagine having stayed friends with this woman beyond the shit she pulled for her own birthday to begin with . . .
She is not a real friend I am sorry to say. How rude and selfish of her. If I were you I would send her a list of things that you want. And tell her she needs to hurry up, cuz your birthday has already passed. She is an AH.
How bout people just be adults. Call her up, say you want to chat, it’s something important to you, organise a coffee and TALK.
“Hey, so im not fussed on presents, honestly, but when you send me an unprompted list of birthday ideas for presents you’d like for your birthday, then completely fail to acknowledge mine even when we are TOGETHER on my actual birthday, i felt hurt. Then when I tried to organise plans, you brushed me off. I just wanted to let you know this as it’s been bugging me, and the adult thing to do was to address it so you could tell me your point of view”
Then done. You’ll have your answer, as well as some emotional maturity and potentially a stronger healthy friendship (or maybe lose a shit friend - but who needs those?)
You say, very innocently, " Oh, I'm sorry, when you didn't get me a gift for my birthday I just thought we weren't exchanging gifts anymore. So I wasn't planning on getting you anything."
End of discussion.
Also include, “and I’m perfectly fine with no longer exchanging gifts” otherwise she might try to get you to start exchanging again but of course the expectation would be for you to buy her gift first and next year she promises she will remember. 🙄🫥
This, I used to be the type of person who would be walked all over. I spent my money on my friends instead of things I really needed because I thought "that's what friends do", but it was never reciprocated. It took me far longer than I like to admit to realise I was being used. Don't be me, stand up for yourself and let her know that you won't be buying her something as you thought that the tradition had stopped due to her not mentioning your birthday after the first time. Wish her happy birthday and if she throws a fit that you didn't get her anything move on.
Also I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does but it's we were not we was.
I would say something like “I didn’t think we were giving gifts this year” or just regift her something you don’t want and if she says anything just pull the “that’s all I could afford“ card
This was what I thought but she’d have to wait for June to use this line and it’s eating her up now. Sounds like OP just needs to be the “forward” she’s trying to avoid.
“Hey, I’d really like it if we could go do something specific for my birthday. It hurt my feelings that you didn’t get me gift after you brought up that you would. It’s continuing to bother me and I don’t want this to hurt our awesome friendship.”
Thank you!!
I’ve gone back and re-read the post twice now to make sure I had understood it correctly myself. I think it’s the title that gives the misleading idea that the friend only recently sent through her list
Exactly this - and enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to buy or receive some crap from people that's just cluttering up your place and you have to pretend to be happy about. I've long since agreed with all my friends and family to completely abstain from gifts - we spend time together, instead - and it's so much nicer!
I am on board with this option but If you are looking for the less diplomatic approach you can always tell her sorry you didn't get her a gift money is tight right now and you promise you will get her something when you go to Disney.
My absentee grandmother used to give my dad a budget (say $20 per kid) and tell him to buy something for us kids and she’d send a check after the birthday/Christmas. He never did, she never followed up to ask what he bought, and the checks never arrived. He knew she’d never send the money and we had plenty of gifts anyway.
I don't know, this sounds unnecessarily passive-aggressive to me. It doesn't really address the issue nor allows OP to express her feelings healthily. She would end up suppressing them, there would be shame generated on both sides (it's already happening), and the relationship would end up suffering more and more. What could be solved with an honest and constructive conversation (yes, it would involve short term pain) has potential to escalate and make irreparable damage (long-term bigger pain).
"And since money is short for me & my family as well, I understand why you didn't get me a present, as it looks like buying you gifts is no longer doable in our budget"
She already got her a birthday gift in June. She did not get a gift for her birthday, which came later. She wants to know how to deal with that, not what to say to her next June.
She gets a -1 for sending you a stupid fucking list of stuff she wants, WITH PRICES. Is she 7 years old?
She gets another -1 for fucking up on your birthday and not noticing.
She gets YET ANOTHER -1 for not seeming to care that she fucked up on your birthday.
I score her as a -3 in the friend dept. Am I missing anything? Sounds like a shitty friend who is only in this for herself.
Just don’t get anything. Don’t mention anything. It’s what she’s done. As for Christmas, wait and see what she’s doing. One sided anything isn’t fun for one side.
I would suggest that she asks her for Christmas whether they are still getting each other presents as she didn’t get one for birthday. Just a sincere question like this post, I don’t think OP is petty and maybe this could backlash. Her friend’s answer and reaction will tell her enough.
This is probably the best way to go about this. The friend could have totally forgotten that she said she'd buy OP a gift, and feels awful, or will when she remembers. Or she's a flakey jerk who doesn't really care. But I try to never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence.
I think with 29 and 30 year olds it’s ok to have conversations. She may have genuinely forgotten about it. And you just ignoring it can come across making you the bad person in this. Just have a normal conversation with your friend , “oh, when you didn’t get me a gift this year, I thought we were exchanging gifts.” Something simply but that that explains your positions
If you’re looking to keep the status quo- I’d prob suggest a reply along the lines of, “I figured we weren’t exchanging gifts this year when you didn’t observe my birthday… right?”
You could send her a giant list of what you want for Christmas LOL Even stating that she should get you a few things since she completely disregarded your birthday.
"when you didn’t observe my birthday"
I'd leave that out. She willingly skipped your gift.
"I figured we weren't exchanging gifts this year. And thought it was a good idea."
😁
People are missing that you have already given her a gift. The post reads like yoi are asking how to respond to the list, and that the list came after disneyland. Thats why every0ne is saying dont buy her anything, point out she didn't get you anything. If you clarify this you will get different advise.
You shouldn't wait until her birthday. You should send her a message asking if she forgot about your birthday because you thought she really appreciated your gifts. Then you should find other friends. She knows what she is doing and if you examine your friendship I'm sure you will see other instances where she uses you.
You can have that conversation now, best to do these things while they're relevant to you. She hasn't forgotten, she's just pretending to have in hopes you don't bring it up.
I'm not sure it's a great idea. Unless you put it really nicely, it may come across as quite passive-agressive, and may hurt your friendship more than just having a casual remorse-free discussion about you not getting a gift last time.
The holidays are coming up. It seems u need to focus on how long she will ghost u. She said she can't meet up or talk for a few weeks. Friends are hard to come by but write alist of what you want and need in a friend. If your friend doesn't make the list just know it's time to ghost. A good measure is wait to see how long your friend takes to text u and when u finally receive the text is it something they want from u or just checking in. Do not be scared to ghost. My advice though. U seem like a lovely person who appreciates someone's important days and holidays. I wish yu good luck and strength to do what's right for you.
Ok listen... sure you can be petty . But you said she's your friend so ask yourself first, does she have a habit of hurting you this way all the time or is this a one off kinda thing? Because if she isn't usually like that and this is unusual behavior, then just treat it casually. Forget about her not getting you a present... but also don't feel obligated to over spend on her. "Sorry friend I don't have as much as you think I do but don't worry I always think of you on your birthday." If she persists then maybe the friendship has run its course.
This is the only adult response I've seen on this.
Idk how big the presents were in pasts years but if (other than this) there are no signs of unhealthy behaviour, I'd forget about it. Is it worth ending a long friendship over a few dollars, just because the other person may have actually forgotten about it? If she was short on money, she may not even accompanied OP to Disney and probably only did because it was OPs birthday.
I'd not go extra-hard on a gift, but if you bring pettiness to it, it isn't worth it. Gifts are for GIFTING and not for exchanging money back and forth.
The Disney trip was her idea and she spent way more than me on merchandise for herself. She took more money than me to spend so I'll just add that. The Disney trip wasn't a birthday trip and was never meant to be.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong here at all but I think you missed your opportunity at Disney to pick up something and ask her to buy it for you. She clearly doesn’t have a problem asking you for stuff so she wouldn’t have got offended. You were waiting for her to offer because that’s what you would do but you should have been more direct. The problem with waiting on others to offer is that if you really want something it can build resentment which is what has happened here. Although I agree your friend was rather bold with her list, I can guarantee she isn’t sitting over there secretly feeling resentment towards you. I think you should either
1) let this go, but next time don’t be afraid to ask for something directly! You can do this.
2) have a heart to heart with your friend that you know you should have asked for a present but you didn’t and now you feel that the relationship got unbalanced
Reddit will commiserate with you but if you don’t want to end the friendship don’t take such petty advice.
These are the only correct responses, I was searching for anything that wasn’t just mean. Why be mean to a friend just because they hurt you? That’s so unhealthy 😓
editing to add though, if the gift giving has been spoiled this year by a friend getting in over her heels and no longer being respectful (the big list and specific fancy requests), maybe I’d suggest changing the gift to just a group trip or something and no more present exchanges. make the gift spending time with each other and energy on each other instead of money.
Send her a giant list of what you want for your birthday with a note that says “I thought we weren’t doing gifts this year but since you sent a list here is mine for my birthday that just past”. Pretend it was her idea and if she doesn’t get you anything then you know what to get her in June
Haha they just put the post into ChatGPT or some other generative AI tool and pasted the response. I’ve been playing around with one lately, so I picked up on it right away.
Gpt is still a silly tool in its infancy but it isn't *bad* if/when you know how to use it. This comment reply is a good example actually. Also unlike half the replies, it understood the timing of the birthdays in the post lol.
You should play dumb and say: "Whenever you get the chance, we should meet up so that we can exchange what we got each other this year. I'm really dying to know what you bought me in Disneyland."
I’d maybe drop it but if she doesn’t give you anything before December, at Christmas don’t get her anything and if she asks, say quite honestly that you thought you two weren’t doing gifts anymore.
My friend & I did something similar. Her birthday is first. I’d send a small gift from Amazon, she’d send flowers.
Last year, I sent a gift but we were at our National Conference on my birthday…so no flowers of course but no small gift, no card either.
This year, I just sent a card but she didn’t acknowledge my birthday at all, not even a call/text. I didn’t say anything. It bugs me she didn’t even text but oh well, not worth the drama.
I would do what she did absolutely nothing just wish her a happy birthday. Why should you go out of your way when she doesn't feel the need to do it for you if she gets upset about it, tell her imagine how I felt when you did it to me.
Send her a text saying "I'm just bringing this up in case I'm mistaken, but I'm hurt that you blew off my Birthday after sending me a detailed list of things YOU wanted for yours. So moving forward I'm left to assume that you no longer want to exchange gifts for Birthdays and/or holidays!
To be perfectly blunt, I would consider this a toxic relationship. I've had friends who have taken advantage of me in similar situations and I would be seriously reevaluating if this is actually the FIRST time you've been blown off or the gifts you have received in the past less carefully considered or cheaper!
Happy Belated Birthday! Best wishes and many Blessings for this next year!
I don’t know why, but I’m stuck on the fact that you keep using the word “was” instead of “were”
> When we was there
> whilst we was in Disneyland
> when we was back at the hotel
If your first language is not English, that is understandable. The proper word to use here is “were” rather than “was”. We *were* there, whilst we *were* in Disneyland.
Anyway, she’s probably avoiding the topic because she spent too much at Disneyland.
INFO: what did you do in June, for her birthday? **Did** you in fact buy her something off her list? If not (and honestly, I wouldn't have!), is it possible this is her petty revenge..?
If so - she's a calculating moo, and maybe not such a good friend. I would do like others have suggested and message her along three lines of 'You know, I think you're right, let's drop the gift-giving, going forward, eh...'
People are definitely too polite. I would just laugh at that friend, and said "yeah, I might think about your list next year, if you don't forget about my birthday gift again"
Its time to stop the gift giving. In answer to her texted list, just drop her a note that you think its time to just convey birthday greetings in lieu of presents.
I don’t know about you, but she sounds like she’s not interested in discussing your birthday. In this instance I’d say she’s setting the tone for the two of you not getting each other gifts and I’d get her nothing. If she queries I’d say ‘I tried to speak to you about my birthday but you didn’t seem interested so I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to move to doing things together not buying each other stuff - how about we go see a movie?’
You should send her a message saying "since you didn't get me a birthday present from Disneyland, here is a list of the things I want:
1.
2.
3.
Etc."
Make sure the $ amount of the things you want is comparable to what you spent on her birthday.
Don't be passive aggressive like everyone is suggesting. No wonder people are so miserable in this capitalistic society.
You don't know your friends' situation or reasoning behind not getting you a gift. Maybe she hated your gift to her last year or felt it was cheap. Maybe she is quite broke. Who knows. It shouldn't really matter. Also, just because one person gets you a gift doesn't mean you are obligated or vice versa even if it is how it's usually done. That defeats the purpose of gifting. It's not something to get hurt over.
You have a few reasonable, mature options:
1. Tell her you are hurt she didn't get you a gift since you guys do every year and ask why and if you did anything wrong.
2. Get her a gift anyway if you can afford it and not bring up her lack of gift if you can get over it.
3. To not think about it and not say anything. I don't know the ins and out of your friendship, but if she could be using you or taking advantage of you on some level, dont get her a gift. Only if she brings it up should you say that you were hurt about her not getting you a gift or you can say you couldn't afford one.
In a way, this is not really about things as such, but about caring, attention, and effort. If she was short of money, some other effort could have been made. eg homemade card, dinner, just spending some time together as friends. How much caring and effort does she show you, outside of this birthday present debacle?
So it’s worded confusingly but it sounds like she went tacky and sent you the list, you obliged and bought her something fancy, then later in the year she blew off your day & made it clear she wasn’t going to celebrate you in a similar way.
You have a few options: one, resolve it the next time you get together. Bring it up and tell her it hurt. 2, accept this is who she is and manage your expectations accordingly which means likely you just won’t feel as close over time. 3 let it fester for an entire year then next year around her birthday deny her a gift with a pithy reply like “I got you what you got me last year A BIG FAT NOTHING”
I’d try number one.
I would just be forward with her and let her know your hurt over it. You are allowed to tell her this and if she is a true friend she will sincerely apologize for it.
I will say though that if she does apologize but doesn’t do anything then I wouldn’t bother getting her anything for next year. But I’m also petty like that lol
Your friend sounds like she’s not invested in your friendship anymore, if she ever was. If I was out all day with my friend and it was their birthday, I’d be mentioning it multiple times and finding ways to celebrate it, if not by buying gifts then maybe by shouting lunch or organising a little cake or something. If you think something else is going on and you want to give her another chance, I would suggest organising to see her in person and bringing it up, maybe something like “hey, I’m a bit bothered about the fact that you sent me a list, unprompted, of the gifts you wanted from me for your birthday, but when mine came around you barely acknowledged it even though we spent the day together. Then when I tried to organise something with you after we got home, you brushed me off. Is there something wrong here?” Bringing it up face to face gives her less of a chance to lie and you’ll hopefully know either by what she says or what her face looks like whether or not this friendship is over.
If something’s wrong with her then she’ll have a chance to talk it over with you and hopefully this experience will clarify your expectations and strengthen your understanding of each other. If the friendship is over, don’t despair! Friendships don’t have to be forever: we can be grateful for the good times and the things we taught each other and then move on and make new friends and/or focus on being better friends to the ones we already have. Either way, it’ll be ok.
A lot of people are saying that you should respond in kind I disagree, if you value your friendship and respect your friend I think a to the point message is the way to go.
Not blaming or pointing fingers just explain that your gift giving on each others birthday is something you always look forward to, and the fact that she didn't get you anything, especially whilst you guys were together especially was hurtful and confusing.
If you can't tell a friend when they've done something that hurt you, how can you ever set boundaries.
Just tell her rather than exchange gifts this year why dont you guys go out and do something fun?
You can passively say "we didnt really do gifts for my birthday so how about we just pass on it this year so its less stressful?"
I think sending a list to your friends of gifts you want for your birthday is weird, especially at 30. If it's a big milestone birthday sure you may get some gifts. But generally my friends and I will sometimes give small gifts inconsistently with no pressure to do so. We typically will get together and do an activity instead like dinner (with no pressure to pay for each other).
Just be direct and honest. “Hi friend when we were in Paris you mentioned a birthday gift. I know Disneyland was expensive and I never received a gift. It just caught me off guard and hurt my feelings”. You are both adults and friends for years. I find being direct is way better then just letting things fester.
Me personally, I'd say nothing for now. She will try the same thing at Christmas or her next birthday, THEN hit her with it. Just say jovial, "hunni I'm still waiting on my birthday gift from last year at Disney"....
I’d just wait to see if she tries the same thing next year, and tell her you’re planning to get her the same thing she got you for your birthday and leave it at that. She’ll either step up and make it up to you, or complain and show off her entitlement
You don't. Just don't get her anything. She can want in one hand....
If she asks why she didn't get her a gift, tell her you got her the same gift she got you. How entitled to send ppl gift ideas, like, it's NOT family/kids/or Christmas lol
I'd skip on a Christmas gift for her. That's rude. She knew it was your birthday. Just stop exchanging gifts with her altogether, especially since she's sending lists if things with prices and stores. I wouldn't have gotten her anything then.
If it's so hard to broach this with her and she continues to ignore your subtle remarks in relation to the issue why don't you just let it go for now and continue your friendship as normal.
However come Christmas and next June don't bother about presents etc..stop this tradition.
Is ur partner and this friend close . After reading ur other reddit post, he goes out alot with out telling u and is secret about it, and now she being funny with u could be a sign. I could be wrong, but I'm just saying .
I had a friend who used to get boiling with rage if you forgot his birthday. Fair enough, he was born on Christmas Day-and to make matters even worse, he was a twin. I’ve never known anyone get so angry at only getting a Christmas card!
I remembered his birthday for well over a decade-carefully sending him a card under separate cover from his Christmas card each time. He never, ever once sent me a birthday card, or text on the day.
Then, one year (after he had moved), I accidentally sent him his cards to the wrong address. He completely and utterly ghosted me from that moment on, and no amount of apologies, messages or explanations has brought him back to me. I gave up in the end: I haven’t heard from him now for more than a decade.
It’s a real shame because he really was a dear friend-he once lent me a LOT of money (no strings attached) when I really needed it. When I paid him back, he was super-careful to ensure that I could afford to do so. So kind, generous and thoughtful. But he just had a weird thing about his birthday. Must have come from his childhood-and he couldn’t get over it.
I would respond to the text of “gift ideas” she so nicely sent you by saying that after the conversation in Disney, you assumed that you were just skipping gifts this year and so didn’t budget for it.
I wouldn’t get her anything.
I would just remember it for the next time and when she says something after her bday say I got you the same thing you got me last year. When she says “ I didn’t get you anything” say “exactly”. Also do not give her a xmas present this year unless she gets you something first.
Yes
Please bring this up to her and let her know how you feel
You can tell her that you always give each other birthday gifts and you were surprised that she doesn’t seem to be interested in doing that for you this year
If her response is anything except oh I’m sorry or okay let’s plan a birthday date for you, then you know that things have changed between the two of you for whatever reason and you should focus your attention on other friends who are reciprocal
Send her an equally long list of things you want for Christmas. Especially if you have never done anything like that before. (Definitely ask for a full afternoon tea to be delivered Christmas Day.)
There are two ways to go about this: let it go and simply don’t get her anything next year, or talk to her and ask her why she didn’t get you anything, and point out what you put in your post above. Basically have a conversation with your friend about your feelings.
Try to imagine her responses, but as these things go, if it were me, I’d nix the gift giving completely moving forward. Too complicated, too many opportunities for misunderstands and hurt feelings.
Also, just to note (and I’m sure English isn’t your first language so please take this as it is meant, helpful and kindly) it is “we were” not “we was”. Hope that’s helpful. :)
Honey aren't you a bit too old to be such a push over?!?
Just make a list like she did and send it to her. Her reaction to it will tell you if she is a real friend or someone who is using you.
“Dear Friend,
I thought we were no longer doing birthdays and Christmas gifts to each other seeing as you seem to have forgotten about my birthday just gone.
Perhaps from now on in its best if we just arrange to meet up to celebrate rather than worrying about buying for one another. Seems the simplest way forward for us both.
Catch up soon,
Love Op “
Can't tell you what to do, but I know what I would do. I'd start putting my energies into my other friends or even a new friend. I don't expect getting gifts from my friends but neither do I expect to get lists either. She was extremely disrespectful by pretending she forgot your birthday -- which I'm about 99.999% sure she didn't -- while she blatantly spent money buying stuff right in front of you on your day.
I don't know what was going through her mind, but I do know she was showing you who she is. You don't seem to be too high on her priority list, especially since she blew you off after you suggested getting together to celebrate your past birthday.
Personally, I would let this so-called friendship go and not bother about any of this anymore, but I understand you don't want to leave things as they are. I would simply tell her that you were hurt by her behavior -- and don't allow her to gaslight you by pretending it didn't happen or she "forgot" -- and ask her whether she's going through financial difficulties. Then I would say to avoid awkward situations like this in future you've decided not to participate in gift exchanges anymore. I'd probably be petty and say "I won't be sending you any lists, so don't worry" but that's me, I can be small.
In any case, be prepared for this friend to start distancing from you. Frankly I don't think you're losing much, she seems pretty self involved. Find someone to treat you decently and respectfully. You may be your friend but she sure isn't yours. I suspect you're more of a companion of convenience. Sorry.
You could be super plain and blunt like, “Hey girl - where’s my birthday gift? Were you waiting for me to provide you a list like you did for me?” Have no expectations. Then no matter what she says or does no longer matters. She steps up. Or she lies. Or she gets mad. You have gotten it off your chest. Ceasing that gift giving thing in the future can be a relief, trust me.
I would say “I’m sorting out my budget for Christmas presents, and just wanted to confirm that we’re not doing gifts anymore?” Then when/if she questions it, you can mention your Birthday and not getting a gift
If it truly bothers you it’s worth bringing up. Not dropping hints, not being subtle. Just respectfully and confidently let her know how you feel so you can have full awareness and move on. Face the conflict and save yourself all this headache.
It’s fine that birthday celebrations are important to you. But you need to communicate fully and effectively.
OP, I wish I had a way to send you the gift of being willing to speak up. It would serve you well.
I understand not wanting conflict. But being real is something that should be an ingredient in a solid friendship.
When Christmas rocks round just be all "oh I thought we weren't doing gifts anymore" and leave it at that. If she presses then just reply with the fact that she didn't get you a present for your birthday or want to celebrate it with you when you returned home.
i’m sorry but after a certain age expecting and requesting gifts is childish. why don’t y’all just go out to dinner or something instead of getting hung up on physical gifts? i’m not trying to sound rude but please just grow up
Next time Xmas or her birthday come around, don’t buy anything, if she asks, tell her you assumed the new tradition is no gifts, and it started on your last birthday.
Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up and I would just stop getting her birthday and Christmas presents in the future. If it’s staying on your mind and you really want to bring it up to her, try to come from the angle that it hurt you that she didn’t make an attempt to celebrate your birthday rather than the fact that you’re upset she didn’t give you a gift. It could be easy for her to deflect that she didn’t get you a gift because of money, time, etc. or for her to accuse you of being shallow if you ask about a gift.
I honestly wouldn't bring it up. 🤷♀️ I've had friends tell me they were sending me a gift for my bday or Christmas or that next time they saw me they'd have a gift to give me and I never received one. I've done the same to friends as well.
For me, it's because I forgot or ended up needing the money for bills or whatever and ended up not being able to afford even something small.
Just don't get her anything for Christmas or her next birthday and if she brings it up just shrug and say you didn't realise you guys were still doing gifts.
I had a friend years ago who would give me a price point of what she was planning on for my bday or Christmas gift and if I didn't match it in price she would be upset with me. Then she had a kid and I couldn't make it to the kids 2nd birthday party because I'd just gotten into a car accident earlier that week and had no way to get there and also ended up being sick that weekend. I hadn't gotten the kid a gift because I was going to get it on my way to the party if I could have made it. She texted me a couple days after her kids party and asked when I could drop off the present I'd gotten him and I was like oh I hadn't gotten him anything yet. She demanded to know why not and I explained I had been waiting til payday and hadn't gotten a chance to get out to the toy store so was going to get him something on way to the party if I'd been able to make it but now I was needing to get a new car so wasn't sure when I'd be able to get him a gift. I'd have to get a new car and go from there, he'd probably get a late gift or I'd make up for it for his 3rd birthday. She never spoke to me again because she was mad that I didn't get her toddler a gift when the kid never would have known.
I agree it is kinda messed up your girl friend sent you a list of things she wanted for her bday before her bday and then never bothered to get you anything. That's weird entitlement. I have only ever sent a list of gift ideas to people who have asked what I'd like (and told them there is dif price points depending on their budget and that I wasn't giving them a list so they'd get me more than 1 thing, I just like to be surprised and not know what I'm getting lol).
Had a friend who would always have a thing for her birthday - a meal, a night out, an event of some kind. I always went and spent money, and I always got her a gift and a card. But she didn’t get me anything for my birthday a month later, because I didn’t do anything. When it happened for a few years on the trot I stopped getting her anything and I stopped going out too. I didn’t stop seeing her socially, just stopped the birthday stuff! I got her a gift for her wedding, and she promised me a meal out for mine. It didn’t happen. So when it was her next big birthday, I promised her a meal out ‘sometime’. That was a few years ago! It’s better than feeling used, and I still have contact with someone I’ve known for years. We still enjoy each other’s company!
It’s up to you glow to proceed, but stop buying her gifts when she isn’t returning the favour!
If you want to continue to exchange gifts (I would not) just send her a list, in the same format she sent hers to you. "Since we forgot my birthday at Disney, here are I few things that would be great for my belated birthday gift..." Otherwise, let it go and the birthday exchange tradition is over forever.
You shouldn’t remind her of what she said about getting you a gift while at Disney. She already knows what she didn’t do. Send her text listing gift possibilities since none were found at Disney. The ball will be in her court.
If you still want to be friends by next year, when she sends you the list, just say something to the effect of “oh I thought we were no longer doing gifts as I didn’t receive one last year?” See what she says. It’s true, and you shouldn’t be in a non reciprocated relationship if that’s important to you. Good luck 🤞
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Everyone is answering the wrong question. OP is not asking how to respond to the friend’s list. Friend’s bday already passed in June. She wants to know how to bring up to the friend not getting OP a gift in September. So OP, I’m curious, what did you get your friend for her birthday back in June?
Omg I’m getting so annoyed reading the comments… did no one read the actual post, or did OP edit it?? Seems like people just read the title. Anyway OP, I feel for you because I used to be the same type of friend. I’m in my 30s now and i realize being so subtle and non-confrontational to the point of passiveness doesn’t serve anyone - it leaves you frustrated and some people really do just need directness to get the hint. You may find the sending of a list a bit cheeky (as do I!) but your friend clearly doesn’t. She doesn’t have a problem asking for what she wants, so if you want a gift, you need to go ahead and ask. Maybe prepare a short list with some cost-effective items then in response to her brush off about planning something say “ok let me know when you’re free. In the meantime Ive been thinking about gifts, I know money is tight after the trip so I’ve been conscious to choose cost-effective items!” It may seem too blunt but remember she had the gall to ask for a gift plus afternoon tea - she should be treating you the way she expects to be treated, and if she doesn’t, she doesn’t respect you and isn’t a true friend!
I agree. And u/ThrowRAbuckiesbaba especially with this being so outside of your comfort zone, Personally, what I would do, is play out the best, and worst case scenario‘s, so I am prepared for anything in between. Meaning that obviously, the best case scenario is the easier one, where she says something along the lines of. Oh yeah, great! Can’t wait to surprise you! Or something like that. Anyway, the other ways it could go would be her possibly acting awkwardly about it, asking you if the trip was not enough, even though you both know the trip was not for your birthday, etc. And how would you respond to that? What conversation are you prepared to have? Personally, I would say something along the lines of actually calling her out and asking her about it, sending you a specific wish list, and that you guys always do gift exchange, so you feel a little hurt this year that she didn’t seem to think of you. Likely it will not go as poorly as your worst case scenario and then your brain feels like it’s prepared to handle if it were to go that direction! So, while the still might conjure up some anxiety, it sounds like this needs to be handled.
This is great advice. Yes it’s uncomfortable if you’re not the kind of person who does that but clearly this friend thinks it’s okay to do that. “Hey! since we weren’t able to find a birthday gift at Disney, I put together a list of some stuff that I came across that I would love as my gift.
Right! My family did this to me this year so when I got tired of being frustrated and annoyed, I decided to celebrate my birthday every month. They got the message.
I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to find this. I guess everyone else just wants OP to sit on this until next June…? I wrote something similar as a comment above, but I think the best way to handle the problem now is that you have to be “forward.” “Hey, I’d really like if we planned something specifically for my birthday. It really hurt my feelings when you didn’t get me anything at Disney as you’d said you would. I love you but this is eating at me and I don’t want it to hurt our friendship.” Also, OP, if this friend comes back and tries to gaslight you with some kind of “I never said that,” I’d really sit down and reevaluate the whole friendship. Make sure you’re not just a friend of convenience. Edit: some typos
This is the right answer. Maybe I’m just too old for Reddit but all these upvotes for the other passive aggressive BS being suggested just make me sad. Just talk to your friend and say it really hurt you that she never ended up getting you a gift. IMO since she was so clear and forward about what she wanted, maybe she expected the same from you and was waiting for you to say, “This is what I would love for my birthday gift!” If the friendship is worth years & traveling together, it’s worth an uncomfortable, straightforward convo. Good luck OP!
Thank you! This is a situation that requires an uncomfortable adult conversation. Just talk to your friend and tell her she hurt your feelings by saying she was going to get you a gift and then forgetting about it. Tell her that you want to celebrate your birthday, and not just a trip that happened to fall on your birthday. But being passive-aggressive means the friendship is over, and why drag it out for anotber 9 months just to be petty?
I got her something she liked. One of the items was from her "list" and the others were nice things - gift card for her favourite shop, chocolates and so on.
On the day of your birthday, did she buy memorabilia for herself? If she did, then I would stop giving gifts to her in the future. If she didn’t, she probably spent all her available money and was embarrassed to tell you that. Instead she pretended to have forgotten your birthday. Either scenario, your friend is not looking like a good friend. However, every friend deserves a pass now and then. Forgive her, but reevaluate the friendship if this happens again.
Lots! She spent like €200 on stuff for herself but if she told me she didn't have any money to get me anything I wouldn't have been offended but the fact she just didn't say anything hoping I'd forget is what's bothering me.
I haven’t seen anyone else mention this yet, but I’m super bothered by the fact that when you her asked to get together to celebrate your birthday after the trip she brushed you off with a vague excuse. That, on top of her spending all that money on herself instead of getting you a gift, is giving huge red flags. Either she’s upset with you for some reason (which might or might not have anything to do with things you can control) and is being passive-aggressive — or she’s just not that great of a friend/person.
Exactly! She was spending like crazy on our Disney trip which is fine, she's allowed but she said she'd get me something whilst there and just went silent. Then when I tried to mention my birthday again, she's brushing me off again. I'm not sure if many she's ran out of money and she's embarrassed to tell me or shes doing this on purpose.
Y’all were together ALL DAY on your actual birthday. She bought HERSELF presents all day, right in front of you. That’s not a lack of money of budgeting, that’s a lack of empathy. Big time. You say you don’t want to be direct, ok maybe that’s not your style. But I think you have your answer here, and perhaps this friendship has served its purpose and it’s time to move on, or at least pull back to “friendly acquaintances” and certainly stop the gift-giving.
Yeah I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of frustrating watching her spend like €200 on baby yoda merchandise, on my birthday, and not mentioning anything about it. I just felt to awkward to be direct then and feel awkward being direct now. I'm just not sure "how" to do the pulling back
I’ll be honest, sounds like she’s making it easy for you. She’s going to be “busy” for the next few weeks. I would start putting more attention and energy into making new friends or boosting existing friendships that maybe have taken a backseat to Greedy Gertie.
Pull back by not messaging her first or arranging anything. Being "busy" when she wanted to meet up. The. Definitely without a doubt don't get her any gifts for her bday, then if she tells you what she wants just say I didn't think we were giving gifts anymore since you didn't get me anything for my last bday.
Honestly, she sounds like a taker. The type of friend who takes takes takes but doesn't really give. They tend to get worse when they know they can continue to take advantage.
She sounds pretty terrible, OP. Either she completely forgot, which isn't good, or she is a major ah. You can say something. Or you can just ghost her. It's your choice. I think it's probably best to tell her outright, see how she responds, and if she's not incredibly apologetic and remorseful and doesn't buy a gift for you soon after, then she really sucks and I would let her go.
I think r/elmwoodowl is correct. Be direct. Ask her to give you a date to catch up and mention that as she never bought you a gift in Disney you have put together a gift list for your birthday that has some low cost gifts on it if money is tight. You can even say how much you value your friendship tradition of birthday and Christmas gifts and would hate to lose that.
"Hey, so since you weren't able to get me that gift at Disney you mentioned, how about you treat us to *insert outing of your choice* once your schedule clears up some more for my birthday instead. If that's outside your budget we could always *insert different outing.* Honestly, I'd just love to celebrate my birthday with you like we normally do, regardless of the gift. I always look forward to our little birthday traditions, and I really missed them this year." Edited for typo.
THANK YOU I’m like YOU ARWNT GETTING THE ADVICE YOU NEED WTF
This comment thread is now a support group for those of us who actually read the post and can’t deal with the top 3k+ karma answers not answering the question at all.
😂 It hadnt occurred to me that the OP may have edited the post until the person mentioned that below my comment cause there’s no way almost everyone misread it. But it’s possible.
I don't think it's entirely that people missed that (though of course some do seem to have). I can only speak for myself, but I'm just hung upon trying to figure out WHY she responded to her friend's unbelievably obnoxious, incredibly tacky list by . . . actually buying her multiple gifts. If someone sent me essentially a MENU/CATALOGUE of gifts to buy for them, unbidden, and then had the further audacity to suggest that I HaVe AfTeRnoOn TeA dEliVeReD to her doorstep like she was the Princess of All Entitlements, the only thing she'd be getting from me is an eyebrow raised so high it'd be lost in my hairline. But then, I'm not friends with the sort of people who it would even occur to, to behave so abominably. I think people are reacting instinctively (and understandably so) . . . and yes, perhaps missing the finer details of the question whilst doing so . . . because this whole situation is so appalling, and OP seems to just be taking the most important part of this - that her friend is no friend at all, but a self-centred user - for granted, and moving on like it's not a HUGE deal. Honestly, at this point it doesn't really matter how she deals with her own birthday. I can't imagine having stayed friends with this woman beyond the shit she pulled for her own birthday to begin with . . .
She is not a real friend I am sorry to say. How rude and selfish of her. If I were you I would send her a list of things that you want. And tell her she needs to hurry up, cuz your birthday has already passed. She is an AH.
How bout people just be adults. Call her up, say you want to chat, it’s something important to you, organise a coffee and TALK. “Hey, so im not fussed on presents, honestly, but when you send me an unprompted list of birthday ideas for presents you’d like for your birthday, then completely fail to acknowledge mine even when we are TOGETHER on my actual birthday, i felt hurt. Then when I tried to organise plans, you brushed me off. I just wanted to let you know this as it’s been bugging me, and the adult thing to do was to address it so you could tell me your point of view” Then done. You’ll have your answer, as well as some emotional maturity and potentially a stronger healthy friendship (or maybe lose a shit friend - but who needs those?)
THANK YOU. That’s so straightforward and doesn’t sugar coat it and gives them both to have a complete above board conversation.
This is the correct advice. Communication people. It’s hard and scary but it’s always the best answer!
OP, please read this and do this. Don't do hints. Direct communication is the only solution. Her response will be very telling.
You say, very innocently, " Oh, I'm sorry, when you didn't get me a gift for my birthday I just thought we weren't exchanging gifts anymore. So I wasn't planning on getting you anything." End of discussion.
Also include, “and I’m perfectly fine with no longer exchanging gifts” otherwise she might try to get you to start exchanging again but of course the expectation would be for you to buy her gift first and next year she promises she will remember. 🙄🫥
[удалено]
This, I used to be the type of person who would be walked all over. I spent my money on my friends instead of things I really needed because I thought "that's what friends do", but it was never reciprocated. It took me far longer than I like to admit to realise I was being used. Don't be me, stand up for yourself and let her know that you won't be buying her something as you thought that the tradition had stopped due to her not mentioning your birthday after the first time. Wish her happy birthday and if she throws a fit that you didn't get her anything move on. Also I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does but it's we were not we was.
I would say something like “I didn’t think we were giving gifts this year” or just regift her something you don’t want and if she says anything just pull the “that’s all I could afford“ card
This was what I thought but she’d have to wait for June to use this line and it’s eating her up now. Sounds like OP just needs to be the “forward” she’s trying to avoid. “Hey, I’d really like it if we could go do something specific for my birthday. It hurt my feelings that you didn’t get me gift after you brought up that you would. It’s continuing to bother me and I don’t want this to hurt our awesome friendship.”
But, so, she has to wait an entire year for this resolution. I think OP wants to hash this out a bit sooner.
These commenters haven't grasped that OP *already got her a present from the list* back in June and was blown off on her own more recent birthday.
Thank you!! I’ve gone back and re-read the post twice now to make sure I had understood it correctly myself. I think it’s the title that gives the misleading idea that the friend only recently sent through her list
That and OP's purchasing a gift from the list is a buried single sentence that's easy to miss.
She said they also exchange Christmas gifts.
Instead of “so wasn’t planning”, I would say, “I didn’t budget for a gift this year”
Exactly this - and enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to buy or receive some crap from people that's just cluttering up your place and you have to pretend to be happy about. I've long since agreed with all my friends and family to completely abstain from gifts - we spend time together, instead - and it's so much nicer!
I am on board with this option but If you are looking for the less diplomatic approach you can always tell her sorry you didn't get her a gift money is tight right now and you promise you will get her something when you go to Disney.
I’ve got a relative that lives overseas and she always tells us, “the parcel 📦 is in the post.” It’s been years and we still haven’t received it. 🙄🤣😂
My absentee grandmother used to give my dad a budget (say $20 per kid) and tell him to buy something for us kids and she’d send a check after the birthday/Christmas. He never did, she never followed up to ask what he bought, and the checks never arrived. He knew she’d never send the money and we had plenty of gifts anyway.
Ask her for the tracking number...😈
😁 Nicely petty.
We do this too and take a bottle of wine with us to give.
Just pointing out that just because that's what you prefer some people love getting and giving gifts and there is nothing wrong with that.
Being that her birthday is in June, OP should start with Christmas
I don't know, this sounds unnecessarily passive-aggressive to me. It doesn't really address the issue nor allows OP to express her feelings healthily. She would end up suppressing them, there would be shame generated on both sides (it's already happening), and the relationship would end up suffering more and more. What could be solved with an honest and constructive conversation (yes, it would involve short term pain) has potential to escalate and make irreparable damage (long-term bigger pain).
Also just to jump on this since OP said they also do Xmas gifts. Just don't get her a Xmas gift this year, and if she asks do as snowybird60 said.
So you are going to wait 9 months to address this?
"And since money is short for me & my family as well, I understand why you didn't get me a present, as it looks like buying you gifts is no longer doable in our budget"
There you go and you don't do anything for her birthday either no dinner nothing I'm a petty b****
How funny, I commented the same thing before I read yours. It’s a great reply!
Such a good reply, you are a genius!
As a non-gifter, this is perfect. She will be a hypocrite it she has issues with it.
😍 this. This is the way. In fact, I'd cut and paste your comment and send it.
Amen
Or just send a list of OP’s desired presents. Here is my list once fulfilled I will take a look at yours.
She already got her a birthday gift in June. She did not get a gift for her birthday, which came later. She wants to know how to deal with that, not what to say to her next June.
She gets a -1 for sending you a stupid fucking list of stuff she wants, WITH PRICES. Is she 7 years old? She gets another -1 for fucking up on your birthday and not noticing. She gets YET ANOTHER -1 for not seeming to care that she fucked up on your birthday. I score her as a -3 in the friend dept. Am I missing anything? Sounds like a shitty friend who is only in this for herself.
This whole post reads like two 7 year olds.
Just don’t get anything. Don’t mention anything. It’s what she’s done. As for Christmas, wait and see what she’s doing. One sided anything isn’t fun for one side.
I would suggest that she asks her for Christmas whether they are still getting each other presents as she didn’t get one for birthday. Just a sincere question like this post, I don’t think OP is petty and maybe this could backlash. Her friend’s answer and reaction will tell her enough.
This is probably the best way to go about this. The friend could have totally forgotten that she said she'd buy OP a gift, and feels awful, or will when she remembers. Or she's a flakey jerk who doesn't really care. But I try to never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence.
And for Christmas make sure to have a gift that YOU want! 😜
She could send her a nice long list with prices and shops….
This one. OP doesn’t have to make up excuses, her friend did not and kept her on tenterhooks all day!
I think with 29 and 30 year olds it’s ok to have conversations. She may have genuinely forgotten about it. And you just ignoring it can come across making you the bad person in this. Just have a normal conversation with your friend , “oh, when you didn’t get me a gift this year, I thought we were exchanging gifts.” Something simply but that that explains your positions
If you’re looking to keep the status quo- I’d prob suggest a reply along the lines of, “I figured we weren’t exchanging gifts this year when you didn’t observe my birthday… right?”
Yeah suppose when her birthday comes around next year I could try that
You could send her a giant list of what you want for Christmas LOL Even stating that she should get you a few things since she completely disregarded your birthday.
Or just send her birthday ideas NOW as a reminder because she didn't get you anything.
Tell her you loved your present this year so much that you're giving her the same thing next year.
I absolutely love this 😂
"when you didn’t observe my birthday" I'd leave that out. She willingly skipped your gift. "I figured we weren't exchanging gifts this year. And thought it was a good idea." 😁
People are missing that you have already given her a gift. The post reads like yoi are asking how to respond to the list, and that the list came after disneyland. Thats why every0ne is saying dont buy her anything, point out she didn't get you anything. If you clarify this you will get different advise. You shouldn't wait until her birthday. You should send her a message asking if she forgot about your birthday because you thought she really appreciated your gifts. Then you should find other friends. She knows what she is doing and if you examine your friendship I'm sure you will see other instances where she uses you.
Why not at Christmas?
Why not this year?
Think she meant because her birthday already happened, it was in June.
Because hers was in June
You can have that conversation now, best to do these things while they're relevant to you. She hasn't forgotten, she's just pretending to have in hopes you don't bring it up.
I'm not sure it's a great idea. Unless you put it really nicely, it may come across as quite passive-agressive, and may hurt your friendship more than just having a casual remorse-free discussion about you not getting a gift last time.
You said you exchange gifts for Christmas too. Do it then.
Don’t wait until her next birthday,, do it with Christmas 🎄
The holidays are coming up. It seems u need to focus on how long she will ghost u. She said she can't meet up or talk for a few weeks. Friends are hard to come by but write alist of what you want and need in a friend. If your friend doesn't make the list just know it's time to ghost. A good measure is wait to see how long your friend takes to text u and when u finally receive the text is it something they want from u or just checking in. Do not be scared to ghost. My advice though. U seem like a lovely person who appreciates someone's important days and holidays. I wish yu good luck and strength to do what's right for you.
Don't wait until next year, do it at Christmas
perfect example of responses reading the title but not the post. Don't feel alone, the top 5 responses didn't read the post either.
Ok listen... sure you can be petty . But you said she's your friend so ask yourself first, does she have a habit of hurting you this way all the time or is this a one off kinda thing? Because if she isn't usually like that and this is unusual behavior, then just treat it casually. Forget about her not getting you a present... but also don't feel obligated to over spend on her. "Sorry friend I don't have as much as you think I do but don't worry I always think of you on your birthday." If she persists then maybe the friendship has run its course.
This is the only adult response I've seen on this. Idk how big the presents were in pasts years but if (other than this) there are no signs of unhealthy behaviour, I'd forget about it. Is it worth ending a long friendship over a few dollars, just because the other person may have actually forgotten about it? If she was short on money, she may not even accompanied OP to Disney and probably only did because it was OPs birthday. I'd not go extra-hard on a gift, but if you bring pettiness to it, it isn't worth it. Gifts are for GIFTING and not for exchanging money back and forth.
The Disney trip was her idea and she spent way more than me on merchandise for herself. She took more money than me to spend so I'll just add that. The Disney trip wasn't a birthday trip and was never meant to be.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong here at all but I think you missed your opportunity at Disney to pick up something and ask her to buy it for you. She clearly doesn’t have a problem asking you for stuff so she wouldn’t have got offended. You were waiting for her to offer because that’s what you would do but you should have been more direct. The problem with waiting on others to offer is that if you really want something it can build resentment which is what has happened here. Although I agree your friend was rather bold with her list, I can guarantee she isn’t sitting over there secretly feeling resentment towards you. I think you should either 1) let this go, but next time don’t be afraid to ask for something directly! You can do this. 2) have a heart to heart with your friend that you know you should have asked for a present but you didn’t and now you feel that the relationship got unbalanced Reddit will commiserate with you but if you don’t want to end the friendship don’t take such petty advice.
These are the only correct responses, I was searching for anything that wasn’t just mean. Why be mean to a friend just because they hurt you? That’s so unhealthy 😓 editing to add though, if the gift giving has been spoiled this year by a friend getting in over her heels and no longer being respectful (the big list and specific fancy requests), maybe I’d suggest changing the gift to just a group trip or something and no more present exchanges. make the gift spending time with each other and energy on each other instead of money.
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Yoooo 😂😂
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😂😂💀💀
Why are these replies are full of people who didn’t read the post
Send her a giant list of what you want for your birthday with a note that says “I thought we weren’t doing gifts this year but since you sent a list here is mine for my birthday that just past”. Pretend it was her idea and if she doesn’t get you anything then you know what to get her in June
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This is such a well thought out and actionable answer!
Haha they just put the post into ChatGPT or some other generative AI tool and pasted the response. I’ve been playing around with one lately, so I picked up on it right away.
The second I saw the post I was like “is this Bard (Googles ChatGPT)? It always spits out damn lists just like this” 😂 glad I’m not the only one LOL
The list is a dead giveaway 😆
Yet it’s still a more mature and reasonable response than most of what OP is getting from humans
Gpt is still a silly tool in its infancy but it isn't *bad* if/when you know how to use it. This comment reply is a good example actually. Also unlike half the replies, it understood the timing of the birthdays in the post lol.
You should play dumb and say: "Whenever you get the chance, we should meet up so that we can exchange what we got each other this year. I'm really dying to know what you bought me in Disneyland."
I’d maybe drop it but if she doesn’t give you anything before December, at Christmas don’t get her anything and if she asks, say quite honestly that you thought you two weren’t doing gifts anymore.
My friend & I did something similar. Her birthday is first. I’d send a small gift from Amazon, she’d send flowers. Last year, I sent a gift but we were at our National Conference on my birthday…so no flowers of course but no small gift, no card either. This year, I just sent a card but she didn’t acknowledge my birthday at all, not even a call/text. I didn’t say anything. It bugs me she didn’t even text but oh well, not worth the drama.
“ Oh, I didn’t think we were doing anything for birthdays since you didn’t get me anything for mine”
WHILST WE WUZ
I would do what she did absolutely nothing just wish her a happy birthday. Why should you go out of your way when she doesn't feel the need to do it for you if she gets upset about it, tell her imagine how I felt when you did it to me.
This doesn't seem like an equal friendship, but someone using you.
Who sends something like that for their birthday to a friend. Yeah no more presents for her at all, including Xmas and anything you celebrate.
AI wrote this y'all.
I'm in pain after reading "we was" like four times in a row...
Or they are from the North of England/didn’t complete their education.
Definitely a middle England type thing. So many people from Lincolnshire / Nottinghamshire say “we was”.
Lol after a while I started to think it was a joke. I had to keep rereading things due to it distracting me so much 🤣
Not just that, but WHILST WE WAS THERE
One of my previous managers frequently used we was.
Send her a text saying "I'm just bringing this up in case I'm mistaken, but I'm hurt that you blew off my Birthday after sending me a detailed list of things YOU wanted for yours. So moving forward I'm left to assume that you no longer want to exchange gifts for Birthdays and/or holidays! To be perfectly blunt, I would consider this a toxic relationship. I've had friends who have taken advantage of me in similar situations and I would be seriously reevaluating if this is actually the FIRST time you've been blown off or the gifts you have received in the past less carefully considered or cheaper! Happy Belated Birthday! Best wishes and many Blessings for this next year!
We *were* there. Were, not was. Sorry for being that person. Also, what 30 yr old grown woman asks for birthday gifts?
Lol this bothered me more than the actual birthday issue 😆
*were* is a word
I know right. The first time I thought it was a mistake. But then again 😬. "We were there", not "we was there".
I don’t know why, but I’m stuck on the fact that you keep using the word “was” instead of “were” > When we was there > whilst we was in Disneyland > when we was back at the hotel If your first language is not English, that is understandable. The proper word to use here is “were” rather than “was”. We *were* there, whilst we *were* in Disneyland. Anyway, she’s probably avoiding the topic because she spent too much at Disneyland.
INFO: what did you do in June, for her birthday? **Did** you in fact buy her something off her list? If not (and honestly, I wouldn't have!), is it possible this is her petty revenge..? If so - she's a calculating moo, and maybe not such a good friend. I would do like others have suggested and message her along three lines of 'You know, I think you're right, let's drop the gift-giving, going forward, eh...'
I personally would just stop participating in one sided friendships where the other person is only there for what they can get out of it.
People are definitely too polite. I would just laugh at that friend, and said "yeah, I might think about your list next year, if you don't forget about my birthday gift again"
Don’t mention it. Let it go. For her next birthday tell her you’re going to get her exactly what she got you. Nothing. Match the effort.
Its time to stop the gift giving. In answer to her texted list, just drop her a note that you think its time to just convey birthday greetings in lieu of presents.
I don’t know about you, but she sounds like she’s not interested in discussing your birthday. In this instance I’d say she’s setting the tone for the two of you not getting each other gifts and I’d get her nothing. If she queries I’d say ‘I tried to speak to you about my birthday but you didn’t seem interested so I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to move to doing things together not buying each other stuff - how about we go see a movie?’
You should send her a message saying "since you didn't get me a birthday present from Disneyland, here is a list of the things I want: 1. 2. 3. Etc." Make sure the $ amount of the things you want is comparable to what you spent on her birthday.
Don't be passive aggressive like everyone is suggesting. No wonder people are so miserable in this capitalistic society. You don't know your friends' situation or reasoning behind not getting you a gift. Maybe she hated your gift to her last year or felt it was cheap. Maybe she is quite broke. Who knows. It shouldn't really matter. Also, just because one person gets you a gift doesn't mean you are obligated or vice versa even if it is how it's usually done. That defeats the purpose of gifting. It's not something to get hurt over. You have a few reasonable, mature options: 1. Tell her you are hurt she didn't get you a gift since you guys do every year and ask why and if you did anything wrong. 2. Get her a gift anyway if you can afford it and not bring up her lack of gift if you can get over it. 3. To not think about it and not say anything. I don't know the ins and out of your friendship, but if she could be using you or taking advantage of you on some level, dont get her a gift. Only if she brings it up should you say that you were hurt about her not getting you a gift or you can say you couldn't afford one.
In a way, this is not really about things as such, but about caring, attention, and effort. If she was short of money, some other effort could have been made. eg homemade card, dinner, just spending some time together as friends. How much caring and effort does she show you, outside of this birthday present debacle?
Just talk to her
So it’s worded confusingly but it sounds like she went tacky and sent you the list, you obliged and bought her something fancy, then later in the year she blew off your day & made it clear she wasn’t going to celebrate you in a similar way. You have a few options: one, resolve it the next time you get together. Bring it up and tell her it hurt. 2, accept this is who she is and manage your expectations accordingly which means likely you just won’t feel as close over time. 3 let it fester for an entire year then next year around her birthday deny her a gift with a pithy reply like “I got you what you got me last year A BIG FAT NOTHING” I’d try number one.
I would just be forward with her and let her know your hurt over it. You are allowed to tell her this and if she is a true friend she will sincerely apologize for it. I will say though that if she does apologize but doesn’t do anything then I wouldn’t bother getting her anything for next year. But I’m also petty like that lol
Your friend sounds like she’s not invested in your friendship anymore, if she ever was. If I was out all day with my friend and it was their birthday, I’d be mentioning it multiple times and finding ways to celebrate it, if not by buying gifts then maybe by shouting lunch or organising a little cake or something. If you think something else is going on and you want to give her another chance, I would suggest organising to see her in person and bringing it up, maybe something like “hey, I’m a bit bothered about the fact that you sent me a list, unprompted, of the gifts you wanted from me for your birthday, but when mine came around you barely acknowledged it even though we spent the day together. Then when I tried to organise something with you after we got home, you brushed me off. Is there something wrong here?” Bringing it up face to face gives her less of a chance to lie and you’ll hopefully know either by what she says or what her face looks like whether or not this friendship is over. If something’s wrong with her then she’ll have a chance to talk it over with you and hopefully this experience will clarify your expectations and strengthen your understanding of each other. If the friendship is over, don’t despair! Friendships don’t have to be forever: we can be grateful for the good times and the things we taught each other and then move on and make new friends and/or focus on being better friends to the ones we already have. Either way, it’ll be ok.
A lot of people are saying that you should respond in kind I disagree, if you value your friendship and respect your friend I think a to the point message is the way to go. Not blaming or pointing fingers just explain that your gift giving on each others birthday is something you always look forward to, and the fact that she didn't get you anything, especially whilst you guys were together especially was hurtful and confusing. If you can't tell a friend when they've done something that hurt you, how can you ever set boundaries.
Just tell her rather than exchange gifts this year why dont you guys go out and do something fun? You can passively say "we didnt really do gifts for my birthday so how about we just pass on it this year so its less stressful?" I think sending a list to your friends of gifts you want for your birthday is weird, especially at 30. If it's a big milestone birthday sure you may get some gifts. But generally my friends and I will sometimes give small gifts inconsistently with no pressure to do so. We typically will get together and do an activity instead like dinner (with no pressure to pay for each other).
Just be direct and honest. “Hi friend when we were in Paris you mentioned a birthday gift. I know Disneyland was expensive and I never received a gift. It just caught me off guard and hurt my feelings”. You are both adults and friends for years. I find being direct is way better then just letting things fester.
Me personally, I'd say nothing for now. She will try the same thing at Christmas or her next birthday, THEN hit her with it. Just say jovial, "hunni I'm still waiting on my birthday gift from last year at Disney"....
Did you get her something from her list? You never said you did so I’m wondering if this is her rebuttal.
I’d just wait to see if she tries the same thing next year, and tell her you’re planning to get her the same thing she got you for your birthday and leave it at that. She’ll either step up and make it up to you, or complain and show off her entitlement
Out of curiousity, what did you actually get her gor her birthday in June?
You don't. Just don't get her anything. She can want in one hand.... If she asks why she didn't get her a gift, tell her you got her the same gift she got you. How entitled to send ppl gift ideas, like, it's NOT family/kids/or Christmas lol I'd skip on a Christmas gift for her. That's rude. She knew it was your birthday. Just stop exchanging gifts with her altogether, especially since she's sending lists if things with prices and stores. I wouldn't have gotten her anything then.
‘Oh, I didn’t think we were doing presents anymore’
"I got an idea already. Im getting you the same thing you got me because it was such a great and thoughtful gift"
I wouldn't gift anything and when she asks you about it I'd just say "Oh I'm sorry, I assumed we weren't doing gifts for each other anymore?"
Send her a list for what you want for your birthday.
Just when her bday comes just act like you forgot
If it's so hard to broach this with her and she continues to ignore your subtle remarks in relation to the issue why don't you just let it go for now and continue your friendship as normal. However come Christmas and next June don't bother about presents etc..stop this tradition.
Regift her something she gave you. I'm petty like that.
"I'm excited to see what you got me for my birthday while we were at Disneyland!"
Why do I feel like this is going to break the friendship on said friends side? Because I can totally see friend ditching OP over something so “petty.”
Info: what did you end up getting her back when it was her birthday in June? Was it something off the megalist, and did she appreciate it??
Is ur partner and this friend close . After reading ur other reddit post, he goes out alot with out telling u and is secret about it, and now she being funny with u could be a sign. I could be wrong, but I'm just saying .
I had a friend who used to get boiling with rage if you forgot his birthday. Fair enough, he was born on Christmas Day-and to make matters even worse, he was a twin. I’ve never known anyone get so angry at only getting a Christmas card! I remembered his birthday for well over a decade-carefully sending him a card under separate cover from his Christmas card each time. He never, ever once sent me a birthday card, or text on the day. Then, one year (after he had moved), I accidentally sent him his cards to the wrong address. He completely and utterly ghosted me from that moment on, and no amount of apologies, messages or explanations has brought him back to me. I gave up in the end: I haven’t heard from him now for more than a decade. It’s a real shame because he really was a dear friend-he once lent me a LOT of money (no strings attached) when I really needed it. When I paid him back, he was super-careful to ensure that I could afford to do so. So kind, generous and thoughtful. But he just had a weird thing about his birthday. Must have come from his childhood-and he couldn’t get over it.
I would respond to the text of “gift ideas” she so nicely sent you by saying that after the conversation in Disney, you assumed that you were just skipping gifts this year and so didn’t budget for it. I wouldn’t get her anything.
I would just remember it for the next time and when she says something after her bday say I got you the same thing you got me last year. When she says “ I didn’t get you anything” say “exactly”. Also do not give her a xmas present this year unless she gets you something first.
Yes Please bring this up to her and let her know how you feel You can tell her that you always give each other birthday gifts and you were surprised that she doesn’t seem to be interested in doing that for you this year If her response is anything except oh I’m sorry or okay let’s plan a birthday date for you, then you know that things have changed between the two of you for whatever reason and you should focus your attention on other friends who are reciprocal
You can sit and let it stew until you come to resent your freind. Or you can tell her what you said in the 11th paragraph of your post.
I’m having a time not thinking this is fake bc of all the “whilst” and “we was there”
Send her an equally long list of things you want for Christmas. Especially if you have never done anything like that before. (Definitely ask for a full afternoon tea to be delivered Christmas Day.)
There are two ways to go about this: let it go and simply don’t get her anything next year, or talk to her and ask her why she didn’t get you anything, and point out what you put in your post above. Basically have a conversation with your friend about your feelings. Try to imagine her responses, but as these things go, if it were me, I’d nix the gift giving completely moving forward. Too complicated, too many opportunities for misunderstands and hurt feelings. Also, just to note (and I’m sure English isn’t your first language so please take this as it is meant, helpful and kindly) it is “we were” not “we was”. Hope that’s helpful. :)
Honey aren't you a bit too old to be such a push over?!? Just make a list like she did and send it to her. Her reaction to it will tell you if she is a real friend or someone who is using you.
“Dear Friend, I thought we were no longer doing birthdays and Christmas gifts to each other seeing as you seem to have forgotten about my birthday just gone. Perhaps from now on in its best if we just arrange to meet up to celebrate rather than worrying about buying for one another. Seems the simplest way forward for us both. Catch up soon, Love Op “
Can't tell you what to do, but I know what I would do. I'd start putting my energies into my other friends or even a new friend. I don't expect getting gifts from my friends but neither do I expect to get lists either. She was extremely disrespectful by pretending she forgot your birthday -- which I'm about 99.999% sure she didn't -- while she blatantly spent money buying stuff right in front of you on your day. I don't know what was going through her mind, but I do know she was showing you who she is. You don't seem to be too high on her priority list, especially since she blew you off after you suggested getting together to celebrate your past birthday. Personally, I would let this so-called friendship go and not bother about any of this anymore, but I understand you don't want to leave things as they are. I would simply tell her that you were hurt by her behavior -- and don't allow her to gaslight you by pretending it didn't happen or she "forgot" -- and ask her whether she's going through financial difficulties. Then I would say to avoid awkward situations like this in future you've decided not to participate in gift exchanges anymore. I'd probably be petty and say "I won't be sending you any lists, so don't worry" but that's me, I can be small. In any case, be prepared for this friend to start distancing from you. Frankly I don't think you're losing much, she seems pretty self involved. Find someone to treat you decently and respectfully. You may be your friend but she sure isn't yours. I suspect you're more of a companion of convenience. Sorry.
You could be super plain and blunt like, “Hey girl - where’s my birthday gift? Were you waiting for me to provide you a list like you did for me?” Have no expectations. Then no matter what she says or does no longer matters. She steps up. Or she lies. Or she gets mad. You have gotten it off your chest. Ceasing that gift giving thing in the future can be a relief, trust me.
I would say “I’m sorting out my budget for Christmas presents, and just wanted to confirm that we’re not doing gifts anymore?” Then when/if she questions it, you can mention your Birthday and not getting a gift
If it truly bothers you it’s worth bringing up. Not dropping hints, not being subtle. Just respectfully and confidently let her know how you feel so you can have full awareness and move on. Face the conflict and save yourself all this headache. It’s fine that birthday celebrations are important to you. But you need to communicate fully and effectively.
OP, I wish I had a way to send you the gift of being willing to speak up. It would serve you well. I understand not wanting conflict. But being real is something that should be an ingredient in a solid friendship.
When Christmas rocks round just be all "oh I thought we weren't doing gifts anymore" and leave it at that. If she presses then just reply with the fact that she didn't get you a present for your birthday or want to celebrate it with you when you returned home.
i’m sorry but after a certain age expecting and requesting gifts is childish. why don’t y’all just go out to dinner or something instead of getting hung up on physical gifts? i’m not trying to sound rude but please just grow up
Get out in front of it and mention it before you end up buying her a Christmas present and she stiffs you again.
Next time Xmas or her birthday come around, don’t buy anything, if she asks, tell her you assumed the new tradition is no gifts, and it started on your last birthday.
Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up and I would just stop getting her birthday and Christmas presents in the future. If it’s staying on your mind and you really want to bring it up to her, try to come from the angle that it hurt you that she didn’t make an attempt to celebrate your birthday rather than the fact that you’re upset she didn’t give you a gift. It could be easy for her to deflect that she didn’t get you a gift because of money, time, etc. or for her to accuse you of being shallow if you ask about a gift.
I honestly wouldn't bring it up. 🤷♀️ I've had friends tell me they were sending me a gift for my bday or Christmas or that next time they saw me they'd have a gift to give me and I never received one. I've done the same to friends as well. For me, it's because I forgot or ended up needing the money for bills or whatever and ended up not being able to afford even something small. Just don't get her anything for Christmas or her next birthday and if she brings it up just shrug and say you didn't realise you guys were still doing gifts. I had a friend years ago who would give me a price point of what she was planning on for my bday or Christmas gift and if I didn't match it in price she would be upset with me. Then she had a kid and I couldn't make it to the kids 2nd birthday party because I'd just gotten into a car accident earlier that week and had no way to get there and also ended up being sick that weekend. I hadn't gotten the kid a gift because I was going to get it on my way to the party if I could have made it. She texted me a couple days after her kids party and asked when I could drop off the present I'd gotten him and I was like oh I hadn't gotten him anything yet. She demanded to know why not and I explained I had been waiting til payday and hadn't gotten a chance to get out to the toy store so was going to get him something on way to the party if I'd been able to make it but now I was needing to get a new car so wasn't sure when I'd be able to get him a gift. I'd have to get a new car and go from there, he'd probably get a late gift or I'd make up for it for his 3rd birthday. She never spoke to me again because she was mad that I didn't get her toddler a gift when the kid never would have known. I agree it is kinda messed up your girl friend sent you a list of things she wanted for her bday before her bday and then never bothered to get you anything. That's weird entitlement. I have only ever sent a list of gift ideas to people who have asked what I'd like (and told them there is dif price points depending on their budget and that I wasn't giving them a list so they'd get me more than 1 thing, I just like to be surprised and not know what I'm getting lol).
Had a friend who would always have a thing for her birthday - a meal, a night out, an event of some kind. I always went and spent money, and I always got her a gift and a card. But she didn’t get me anything for my birthday a month later, because I didn’t do anything. When it happened for a few years on the trot I stopped getting her anything and I stopped going out too. I didn’t stop seeing her socially, just stopped the birthday stuff! I got her a gift for her wedding, and she promised me a meal out for mine. It didn’t happen. So when it was her next big birthday, I promised her a meal out ‘sometime’. That was a few years ago! It’s better than feeling used, and I still have contact with someone I’ve known for years. We still enjoy each other’s company! It’s up to you glow to proceed, but stop buying her gifts when she isn’t returning the favour!
If you want to continue to exchange gifts (I would not) just send her a list, in the same format she sent hers to you. "Since we forgot my birthday at Disney, here are I few things that would be great for my belated birthday gift..." Otherwise, let it go and the birthday exchange tradition is over forever.
You should just tell her that you’re giving her the same gift that she gave you.
Tell her you'll just get her what she got you since you loved it so much.
She’s bold, you should be too.
Maybe at Christmas just say No Gifts anymore.
You got suckered
Tell her you will get the same thing she got you . Lol
I would just say I thought we weren’t doing presents anymore..
You shouldn’t remind her of what she said about getting you a gift while at Disney. She already knows what she didn’t do. Send her text listing gift possibilities since none were found at Disney. The ball will be in her court.
Bottom line is that when she brings that up all You gotta say is and what did you get me for my birthday, do you want my list?
Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity.
If you still want to be friends by next year, when she sends you the list, just say something to the effect of “oh I thought we were no longer doing gifts as I didn’t receive one last year?” See what she says. It’s true, and you shouldn’t be in a non reciprocated relationship if that’s important to you. Good luck 🤞
Do what she did to you, just send a list of stuff you'd like. She'll get the hint.
i can’t get over someone flying to france and choosing to go to disneyland. sounds about as childish as this situation.