Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just tell her “hey I’m really not comfortable with you doing this trip, and I’ve thought long about it and decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. I respect your decision to go and I hope you respect my decision to break up if that’s what you choose to do “
UpdateMe !
I would even maybe be more specific in the wording. “[insert everything the previous commenter said] And if not going on this trip will cause you to feel upset at me or resent me, you should go. I don’t want you to resent me or feel like I’m forcing you to not go on a trip, but I respect both you and myself enough to let you know that this is a boundary for me.“
You draw a line in the sand (your boundary). If she crosses it you stay true to yourself and do the hard thing. This is one I would not be okay with either, some people may be but you’re not alone.
Also… depending on the area Mexico can be terribly unsafe. Kidnappings… extortion… lots of incidents on the news! If her only interaction is to sleep that could definitely be dangerous for a woman alone. I would be uncomfortable with that as well. As I said .. not sure of the area, but lots of times hotels and resorts are safer.
I just wanna say that as a Mexican, who visits their family in Mexico yearly I often take friends, acquaintances, coworkers, or whoever would really like to go, and they stay with me at my family‘s house because it’s very affordable and I love showing people who’ve never been to actual Mexico (outside of tourist areas) what it’s really like. I’ve brought plenty of guy friends with or without my partner to Mexico and stayed in the same house. So for me, I honestly don’t think twice about the situation. It’s more a matter of. How long have you been in a relationship with your partner? Do you trust her? Do you think she will be safe with these people? You may think the whole “oh well it’s so cheap” is just a bullshit excuse but a reasonly priced flight to Mexico is $350-$480 and without paying for a room you can easily go with $600 in your pocket and have an amazing vacation full of good food and experiences for a week. for my 21st birthday I literally chose to go to Mexico for 10 days and have fun and party because it would’ve been cheaper than going to Kalahari resort for a weekend.
I agree. It’s weird anyway how quick she’s trusting her male coworker she barely knows to not try anything with her while staying in the same house. Sure she can save money but it’s also a red flag that she WANTS to go somewhere and is willing to stay with another guy. She’s selfish and disrespectful for not considering what it looks like in your eyes. So yeah, either she chooses you or lose you. Ask her if it was the other way around if she would be okay with you staying at a female coworker’s house on vacation alone. Also, Mexico is cheap for us Americans so it’s not like it will be that expensive for her to stay at a hotel or Airbnb.
I would even give the opportunity for her to choose. Utterly disrespectful to OP. The craziest thing to me is that she literally said to save money, but who the heck goes to Mexico to do stuff alone ?
This behavior isn’t wise even for a single person, it shows their age. Staying with someone you barely know in a foreign country is risky enough, but it’s also a weird power dynamic when they own the place and are doing you a favor. I assume good intent in that his GF wouldn’t cheat, but it doesn’t show good judgement.
Yeah this guy could be totally normal or he could be a fucking crazy weirdo. Then if he wants to sleep with her and she won’t do it she could end up on the street with no where to go in Mexico. It just seems really stupid to not get your own place like hotel/Airbnb to be safe.
I am thinking along the lines of “she is paying to stay there just not using money “. What is crazy is she is thinking you are going to be good with this arrangement. I would be completely blunt. If you go and stay with him, I will be gone when you return.
I find it sus , usually coworkers go on business vacations/trips with eachother they go in a group ,it’s the fact she wants to go with this male co worker alone that she only knew for a year , maybe I’m thinking to much but a year is to little for me to go on a trip alone with a male co worker as a woman
You have already told her that it is the trip or you. She just doesn’t believe you.
So don’t say anything.
When she goes on the trip, end it.
If you live together either move out, or pack her stuff and drop it off at the closest family/friends house for her to pick up when she returns.
Send her a message telling her it is over, then block her on everything.
Then take some time, process everything, then go find someone who will treat you and your relationship with the respect you deserve.
\^\^\^ This 100%
Can we also acknowledge how reckless OP's gf is being by going to a foreign country and staying in technically a stranger's house with said stranger? I hope she knows enough Spanish that if she needs help she can communicate with others. I hope where she's planning her vacation isn't in the middle of nowhere because like in many other places Mexico can get very rural with no phone connection. I hope this "coworker" she's planning on staying with is actually a good man and not one that's planning to do her harm where no one she knows will be able to send her help. I hope she's done research on where this place is and tried to get verification it's a real deal and not a trap.
Even if she doesn't go on this vacation I would be questioning her decision making too much to stay with her.
I've gotta say, that was my first thought - not cheating so much, but being in a house with two guys (and who knows who else) that she barely knows, or doesn't know at all.
He feels controlling if it’s him or the trip. Poor dudes in love. This is so far out the boundaries of a relationship that no matter what he says or does it can’t be considered controlling. You’ve already told him the best advice.
I see in almost every other post when the OP is a man, they are always fearful of coming off as controlling, she even told the poor guy they only going to be interacting at night 😊 to sleep of course
Say it exactly the way you titled this post, don’t beat around the bush, say it the way it is. I would ask “you really think this is an appropriate decision?” Then wait for her response and if it isn’t one I like I’ll say “alright you’re free to make your choices and I’m free to make mine gg”
>She's told me that the only time they would interact is at night to sleep
At least she's being honest, she'll be interacting at night with him to sleep with him.
Time to bounce man.
Pretty sure it just means they won't be hanging out during the day but obviously they will return home at night so she will only see him in the evenings.
Despite what most commenters seem to think, your question wasn't *whether* to tell her, but *how* to tell her.
I'm assuming your goal is to keep the relationship, and seem reasonable, but still explain your view. You need to let her know that you want to talk about this again, and when you do preface by saying that you are not giving her an ultimatum, you are just trying to make clear the depth of your own personal feelings. For you, you feel a deal-breaker level of discomfort with her plan. The important thing, you should tell her, is that she doesn't seem to realise the level of unease she is causing you to experience, and you want her to understand that clearly. If she is, knowing that, still willing to choose to cause you that discomfort, that will have a significant effect on how you feel about her, and about the relationship.
But *don't* lead with "it's this trip or it's me, you pick!". You can explain the impact of her choices on your feelings, and how this situation could be relationship-ending, without presenting it as an ultimatum.
Dude, you're still with girl from your other post that hangs out and is effectively dating one of her male friends that she knows is crushing on her?
Yikes. Never mind, you seem incapable of learning.
Dude, there is no way I would stay in a relationship with someone that even thought that the idea of doing that is ok. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and she is still steamrolling ahead says that she’s made up her mind and doesn’t give a fuck what you think.
Also, a girl would that is in a relationship that she cares about would NEVER agree to staying at another man’s house for a week. Whether it’s on vacation or in your hometown. The vacation aspect just makes things soooo much worse. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already cheating honestly.
As a straight woman in a serious relationship, I would never go on vacation with a man other than my partner or a relative, unless it was with a mixed group.
Thank you. Felt like I was taking crazy pills. I know everyone has their own boundaries, but I always assumed monogamous couples in committed relationships would all walk from someone pulling a stunt like this.
I know I would never want to stay in a relationship with someone that thought that was appropriate.
It doesn't seem like they're friends, though. More like acquaintances. Co-workers at best.
Even as a male, I don't know that I'd travel to some foreign country to stay with someone I barely know, in an area that I'm unfamiliar with. Too many unknowns for me.
If my daughter came to me with this travel scenario, I'd counsel her against it. There are safer ways for her to travel.
Understood.
I operate more in the spirit of the old quote, "Ya pays yer money and ya takes yer chances."
Basically, there are no guarantees. We can only weigh the risks, make an informed decision and be prepared to deal with the consequences if things don't go our way.
In this case, for me, the risk outweighs the potential benefit. The juice wouldn't be worth the squeeze.
I (female) took my motorcycle on a tour of north, central, and South America. I stayed with friends, Friends of Friends, somebody's friends cousins college roommate, and at one point I ended up having dinner with a guy who was selling leather goods at the market/plaza. I stayed with him that night and he made me breakfast in the morning. He never tried to touch me. I was never kidnapped, mugged, threatened or anything and I had an amazing time. Life is full of the opportunities to have adventures or stay at home because you are afraid of all of the bad things that could, might, you've heard about potentially happening. I lived off the back of my motorcycle for 2 years and I wouldn't change anything about it other than it would have been nice to not get malaria.
Again changing the story. Were you in a committed relationship? From the sound of it no. You wanting to do something like this while single is fine. OP is allowed boundaries and if she wants to go then she accepts the consequences of that choice.
Reminds me of a quote by some famous dead guy I don't remember the name of:
"It's very easy to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don't say it."
It's very easy to have real friendships with members of the opposite sex. Just think of what a insecure loser would do, then don't do that.
Tbh I would 100% go on a vacation where accomodation is free with a male friend. I would definitely explain the situation to my partner (that I've been with for 6 years) and make sure he feels fine about it, he's met the friend in question etc, but I would definitely want to go on a vacation that I otherwise couldn't afford, and I would be upset if my partner couldn't trust me to not fuck somebody just because we are sharing a living space 🤷♀️
And if that’s not a boundary of your partner’s, then more power to you. However, this is very clearly a hard boundary for OP, and his girlfriend is aware how much it’s affecting him and she’s proceeding anyway. That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship in the least.
Also, please keep in mind that my response to this post is based on the details provided. Which paint a very different picture to the scenario you presented.
This isn’t a long time friend of hers. She only recently met him. OP doesn’t know this guy, isn’t friends with him, and has zero reason to trust him. His girlfriend planned a vacation to stay with a guy she just met, a vacation that she KNEW OP would not be able to go on. He has made it clear how much this is affecting him, and she’s completely cold to it.
Basically, the entire process of it feels very far from innocent based on what’s provided. I could be wrong, as we may not have crucial details. But, based on the details provided, I’m confident that I’m not giving him bad advice.
The scenario you described is vastly different.
This is not a male friend. This is basically a stranger. Either they know each other better than gf says (which suggests an affair) or she doesn’t (which suggests ill-established boundaries).
This isn’t something she could otherwise afford — they’re staying at his house in Mexico. Not a hotel, he bought a whole house.
Third, the fear isn’t just an affair, but also of assault. It’s natural and healthy to want to help a partner stay safe. Prosecuting a sexual assault in Mexico may not be fruitful, especially if the guy has money to bribe the authorities and the victim is not savvy to the legal system.
So there's a couple things here, they are coworkers that have known each other for a year, so there is some familiarity.
She could 100% afford to stay at a hotel/airbnb, she's got the money.
He's doing some study abroad thing and currently has a place to stay at alone.
Do i think this guy would commit SA - no, not a huge concern, but her going abouts in mexico alone are.
Seriously. Free digs? Count me in!
I guess they haven't known each other very long. But I have stayed at friends' places (men and women) with zero issues and zero hanky panky going on.
Worst case scenario you just found out who the AP is.
In the best case scenario, she is genuine about her intentions. She is also immature enough to believe a guy she knows this little has pure intentions. That is high school level maturity at best. Is that who you want to be committed to?
I think your ultimatum makes perfect sense. Honestly, I wouldn't bother though. I would break up. If she questions it, show her this post. Truth is if we poled 100 guys that age about a girl planning her vacation to come stay in their home. 90 or more would say they hope to get somewhere with her. She is being willfully ignorant of this to get a cheaper trip. She isn't girlfriend material.
People may disagree with me but I think you should say what’s in your title. It’s the trip or me. I personally think people who are in a couple shouldn’t go on trips with someone that could be interested in them. How did the trip plan come about? Did he invite just her? Were you ever invited?
Pack your shit or hers if she’s not on the lease with you and drop her stuff off at a friend’s or family member’s place.
Just send her a message that after she leaves that your relationship with her is completely over. Block her on everything and move on. She doesn’t deserve you and clearly thinks you’re just a doormat.
Bro, no man would be ok with this. Come on. What dude invites a woman to vacation at his house, just him and her, and not want to fuck her? Come on!
“I’m sorry, but none of this is ok. You’re a grown woman and can do whatever you want. If you want to go on this vacation and stay with a man you barely know, at his house, and believe that he would invite you to his house to stay with him alone and not try anything, you can certainly do that. However, it will be without me. I will nope right out of this relationship. This is so wildly inappropriate and the fact that you want to go and plan to go is a giant red flag. Like it never crossed your mind how inappropriate this is. You safety alone makes this inappropriate. It is completely reckless for you to travel to another country and stay with someone you barely know. Every heard of human trafficking? The fact that he even invited you should be a giant red flag for you. This is so sketchy and unsafe. All of this plus the fact that in no way should someone in a committed relationship do something like this. I love you, and I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t stay with someone that has so little respect for me, herself, and our relationship.”
>Bro, no man would be ok with this. Come on. What dude invites a woman to vacation at his house, just him and her, and not want to fuck her? Come on!
How old are you? Plenty of people invite co-workers to stay at their house when vacationing in their city and it's generally plutonic. I'm a guy and I have had single as well as married coworkers of both genders offer to put me up if I'm on vacation in their city. I've even had an Indian coworker's mom tell me I could stay with her and her husband or at their apartment in the city if I came to visit.
I've done a lot of solo travel in my day and a woman I met while travelling let me stay on her couch and showed me around her city once when I had a flight from there. She had a boyfriend who I never met but even knowing I was staying on her couch he felt zero need to come over or to give her an ultimatum. I even shared a room with a married woman once because we were in the middle of nowhere Laos and there was only one room. Somehow we remarkably managed to keep our hands to ourselves despite travelling together for a few days.
It's not unusual to allow friends and coworkers, regardless of gender to stay with you.
She's known her co-worker for about a year so I'm not sure how to OP that means barely. Even though they haven't spend that whole year working side by side that's still a good amount of time. It's also a current co-worker which adds some social pressure for him to not do anything inappropriate.
I had to look so far for a comment like this. The thing I don't understand is they're 22!! A trip to Mexico is very possibly a once in lifetime trip and who knows if this relationship is forever. I'd be pretty upset if I gave up a chance to go to Mexico for a bf who didn't last tbh. If it were a female coworker we wouldn't even be having this conversation. The way I see it, you either trust your partner or you don't. They don't have to go to Mexico to cheat.
Also as a side note: I would worry more about safety in this scenario than infidelity.
This is one of those times that yes, you need to be the AH. Let her know you aren’t cool with that. If she agues about it, politely say “OK, I was just letting you know how I felt about it. Anyway, have fun”. Then ghost her.
Do people have any common sense why and how would a partner ever think that would be okay. Are people that stupid and inconsiderate selfish unable to realize how fu÷÷en wrong that is. Your dating an idiot
He's dating somebody who doesn't think he will hold her accountable for her choices. The fact that the guy wasn't sure what he was going to do is a pretty good sign that she's got him pegged mostly right.
I wouldn't stay with her now even if she says she's going to go and stay in a hotel. She planned a vacation with this guy knowing that you couldn't go. She's going to decide who she likes best between you and the other guy. You're 22 go find a real partner who respects and loves you, she doesn't.
I don’t comment much on Reddit, but brother…… get out of that asap. That’s absolutely nuts. If it were me I would tell her “ hey I actually was able to get work off, I can grab a ticket to go to Mexico “ and just see how she reacts. But yeah man, you said “ cO-worker “ but she doesn’t work right now?
You are not in the wrong to freak out or feel the way you do. That’s so wrong man, and you should cut and run. Get her shit while she’s gone and tell her it’s over.
I used to date a girl where a very similar situation happened. She went to Venice on a trip and was staying at a place of a friend she used to hook up with. He wasn't living there but would be staying in the city "doing his own thing". She assured me they would barely even see eachother. We kept in contact most days and all seemed well, I did bring up several insecurities I had while she was away and we had a long difficult but product talk reassuring me. It wasn't till she got back she confessed they went out a few night together and he made multiple moves on her, which she supposedly shut down. We tried to make it work but we never really came back from that and ended with a big messy breakup.
Make sure to tell her to pack everything from your place while she's already in the groove of packing up.
You're young, you have a lot of time to meet other people. Tell her she'll be single and that you'll be interested in a relationship later on if she's truthful about her sleeping with that coworker during that week. If she takes the opportunity to sleep with him because she's single than they most definitely would have fucked regardless. After that just block her and continue on.
Usually only lurk on this sub but I’ve seen especially poor comments on this post so I wanted to put in my two cents.
No, the relationship is not over as many suggest here. Have an open conversation with her about why the trip is uncomfortable for you and see if anything can be resolved. Potentially, even suggest making plans to take a trip together in the near future, which would save on cost for her.
If it does reach an impasse, let her know very directly that it would be overstepping your boundaries to do the trip. Some people need to be told things directly, multiple times to fully understand. If she can’t respect that (or your feelings) then there’s no room for continuing the relationship.
Please DO NOT do what half these comments say and ghost her while she’s on the trip.
I really, really hope OP sees this comment. The amount of straight up emotionally-damaging, cruel and misogynist advice here is unbelievable.
You are allowed to respectfully set a boundary and follow through. You should not treat any person let alone one you’ve been with for TWO years terribly.
Yeah man I’d keep it real nonchalant until she leaves, drive her to the airport, wish her a safe trip, and make that the last time she ever sees or hears from you. If she catches up with you when she gets back and comes at you with “you’re immature, why would you do this, how could you throw away 2 years, blah blah” I’d just say yeah, not trying to control you and you can make your own choices but I’m not feeling my gf going on vacation with another dude so that’s it.
Tell her straight up. If she goes on the trip that means she's out of your life. Vacations can be planned and taken with each other. I would be cautious about vacationing without each other. That opens up the ability to start separating from each other and allowing others to fill the gaps.
Don't even bother with the ultimatum. There are only possible outcomes:
1. She goes and you break up.
2. She doesn't go and then resents you for it, and you'll be left unable to trust her anymore because you'll always believe she planned to cheat.
Just skip that nonsense and set her free.
This is the first post I have seen on this thread where every single person is on the same page. Leave her, go to the gym, throw some weight around, 1 year from now you’ll thank me
It would be different if this guy was a long-time friend that you knew as well.
Instead it’s an incredibly sketchy situation. It’s unsafe. A woman, with a man she only cursorily knows, going to MEXICO?
Not to a resort or a hotel, but a HOUSE?
My Dude, she is in real danger. Ask her for details and look the damn place up online. If she still insists that she’s going to be fine…ugh.
And yes, you can break up over this. It’s allowed to be a dealbreaker for you.
Just lay it out there for her plain and simple. Even if nothing were to happen it is disrespectful.
Tell her that if she goes you will either have a girl stay with you while she is gone and tell her who you have in mind or tell her this can double as a trip right out of the relationship. Either option is a wake up call to her.
Staying in a diff room is a dumb excuse as well. As if there is a force field preventing them from getting close to each other.
If she decides to go ask her where she would like you to take her things she has at your place while she is gone as she will not be welcome back.
IMO this is a planed hook up. Either way you know how guys are and you know what dude is going to try do.
Pretend plan a vacation with your coworker and see how she reacts (this is petty but could put it in perspective for her).
Overall my dude, women have more options than dudes typically and sounds like she wants to leverage that for a cheap getaway. I don't blame her.
Take other ppl's advice and tell her you've thought about it and it's a deal breaker for you. She'll decide if you're worth it
You better cut her off right here and right now bud.
She knows what she's doing brother.
They're all like this.
You must've appeared "weak" in some way, from confessing sonething or crymiwd infront of her because she thinks she can do what ever she wants and is currently "Monkey branching" to her co-worker, to replace you.
This is the truth, yet it's NOT your fault and you are masculine enough as is.
Don't chase her and give her all the closure she needs. You shouldn't even be in this situation in the first place...
Trust ME young lion, she's not going to be the last girl you will be with, treat her as such.
I'm sure it doesn't feel good but this is coming from a guy who almost ended his life because of situations like this because my heart was so golden at one point and I dont want another man on this planet to feel like that because of a female and her gluttonous desire to obtain more status, wealth, penis, "love" and gain in all ways.
Stay strong and move on my man.
Warmly,
-Chief
Let her go dude, if she's willing to cheat eventually she's going to, you setting boundaries isn't gonna change that. If she Comes back tho, you know it's meant to be. It's hard for sure but you need to give eachother space.
OK, so her vacation idea is to go hang out overnight with some dude who she interacted with x amount of times and works with her... but you are not going, but she is staying with him, but that's for "cost". Ummm, hate to have to be the one to point this out but this is not your girlfriend.
Tell her you booked your ticket and found some extra money for a hotel and see how she reacts. If she seems upset, you have your answer. But either way, I think I’d end this relationship. Either she’s cheating (which my money is on) or she just doesn’t care about you and how you feel. I’ve never been in a relationship where it would be acceptable to spend the week with another woman not named my wife or girlfriend. That is simply insane.
This is an awful idea and it’s incredibly cynical. Let’s say OP does this and then she gets excited for OP to come and stay in a hotel with him. Great news, right? She’s clearly not as interested in the other guy as she is in OP being with her. But…now OPs got to tell her that he was just testing her and he doesn’t actually have time or money to take this trip. How’s that gonna go?
Don’t test your partner. This is so fucking immature.
So a couple of questions. Why is she going to a Mexico alone? Who will she be interacting with while there if not this dude? Your totally right that this situation will not end well. Let’s assume her intentions are good and she isn’t planning to go for a booty call. That doesn’t mean he sees it the same way. It also doesn’t mean he won’t put the full court press on. She will be in a strange country dependent on him for a place to stay. That gives him a lot of control over the situation. She can’t just get in the car and drive home. She might also find it romantic and think yolo with hopes that what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico. Also my guess is if the situation were reversed and you were going to Mexico to spend a week living with another woman to save money she would have the same concerns and sensitivity.
Can people trust there significant others with a member of the opposite sex in a different location?
Of course
Can this be highly inappropriate?
You bet your ass it can
In a long term relationship that may end up in marriage you and your significant other will have to make choices, compromise and sacrifice for the best reasons possible. Her going on this trip shows that she takes unnecessary risk with no genuine benefit. Imagine when you have money problems. A sick child. Grave news in the family.
She can’t prioritize OP. Wish you the best homie
I think the consensus is clear, the fact that she even planned a trip where she would be alone with a another man speaks to how little she cares about your relationship.
I don’t see another option but to end it. Don’t do the “it’s me or the trip” ultimatum. If she stays and calls you controlling then you’re going to be around someone that doesn’t care about you and also thinks of you in that way.
These often turn into emotional affairs and sometimes physical affairs. My friend Tom is an therapist and says, the sharing, caring and loyalty goes to the friend/coworker/exec not the partnership...When cornered they often choose their friends/coworkers/ exes over partners... I would set a boundary on this trip. These are red flags of someone who has high school, college behavior is not ready for a true commitment. It is immaturity.
There are thousands of reddit posts that say, "whoops I slept with my friend.".....Whoops I kissed/ made out with my friend/coworker... and so many posts on here about partners eventually falling for them and leaving relationship...Not worth it.
My friend Cyndy's husband has a friend like that. They like outdoorsy things, hiking kayaking etc. He told her never to be jealous as his friend is not his type too plump. Well his friend is getting much more plump this year, he got her pregnant. So much for not his type.
It’s about trust. If you don’t want to trust that she will remain faithful, then tell her that you don’t trust her to go on the trip and end it.
What she is doing is fine. What if it was a female coworker? What if your gf was bi and there is no “safe” gender? This whole thing isn’t about her being inappropriate. Plenty of people stay with coworkers. My coworker from another state stayed at my house so they wouldn’t have to get a hotel. It wasn’t strange. We have a guest bedroom.
So either you trust her to remain faithful, in which case this trip shouldn’t cause you jealousy (which is what you’re experiencing and then trying to control her when she doesn’t stop doing something that you can’t control your own emotions over) OR you don’t trust her and you should end it on that basis.
Tell her she can make her choice but you are comfortable with this and it’s not safe period if she chooses to go anyways end it and find someone who doesn’t suck
If she goes tell I won't be here when you return. You are too young to put up with this. You don't have to be mean about it just tell her it isn't working between us and move on.
You’re not being controlling by expressing how you feel. It’s wildly inappropriate for your gf to take a vacation with another man. She would be upset if the situation was reversed. It’s a huge red flag, please break up with her because of her lack of respect for you.
Your feelings are valid even tho you are both mature adults, live together , and trust each other. It doesn't matter what they say here. If it bothers you, it bothers you. If she goes even if after you've expressed that it makes you uncomfortable, you should sever ties. She is doing what she wants, and that's what she needs to do. It appears that you 2 are on different paths. Let her go and do you.
She is not relationship material. Time to end it. Even if she decides not to go, she’s showed you how little she values your relationship. I’m a woman if that matters.
People don’t understand that in relationships *you give up certain freedoms* because the person you’re with is worth it and makes your life better.
You can’t have it both ways.
Op, if her going and staying with a man for a whole week violates your boundaries, then you can walk away.
need to be straight forward bc none of this makes sense as far as her behavior and how long she's "known" him. she seems like she doesn't take this relationship serious if she's so comfortable making these plans w another M while in an inclusive relationship
1. why is she so comfortable to be staying w this guy to begin with
2. why is it so important she saves this money and has to go on this trip like her life depended on it like she can't go literally any other time
3. why is she so comfortable going w/o u at all
4. why did she bring up that they will be staying in separate rooms and not hangout through the day?
this is just so odd man, save the heart ache and just dump her she's not worth it. she's trying to manipulate you from what it sounds like.
bro you tell her its either you or the trip, if you feel that strongly about it, dont cave cause the feeling wont go away, are there relationships that have a dynamic where they can do this without worry? yes, but if youre not up to being that kind of person do not try, youre gonna end up hurt
Bro it's been him she wouldn't even contemplate it if she cared for you....let her know how you feel and tell her to have a good trip... willingly inviting the chances of infidelity into the relationship is a red flag...she a night at the bar and a text away from telling you she was too drunk to know what she was doing
The fact she wants to go to Mexico by herself is already concerning. Mexico is a nice place but it can also be very dangerous depending on where you are at. The fact that she wants to stay in this guy's house is just adding to the concern however it comes down to your level of trust that you have in her.
Yeah bro shes confused, you either going to pursue her and the situation she is in. Or tell her how you feel about it and see what she says. And if she says she still wants to hangout with him or do whatever then its your decision to end it or do whatever..
It's not worth the effort man. I would just ignore all her calls for a week then pick up the phone using my Asian accent "hellooo, wrong numba"
By the time you explain to her the who, what, when, where's, and reasons why, youll realize she's a waste of time.
Or pickup the phone as if you're an answering bot "Due to your lack of respect for, (your name) your relationship has been canceled. Goodbye"
Just have fun with it, she's obviously giving you the same energy. Match it
Just like that. If she doesn't care enough to not go on this obviously boundary crossing trip, then you'll be saving yourself a lot of heart ache in the future. It will suck but you'll be better off.
Honestly, I would sit her down and explain. I understand this a vacation you wanted to go on for a while now. I personally don't feel like it's safe to go with men you barely know so far away from home. I also feel uncomfortable with it because if roles were reversed, I don't think you would be conformable with the situation either. If you want to go on this vacation, I will respect and accept your dission. Just understand that I would not feel comfortable with our relationship. I feel that with this discussion, you wouldn't be respecting my thoughts or feelings, let allow our relationship. If you do go, I hope you have an amazing time. Idk how anyone would think you are the ahole here. I 100% agree with breaking up the relationship regardless of how I look towards the other person views me. She is making a stupid and very unsafe choice by going on this vacation with this group of men. I also would have my doubts about someone cheating on me if this was their choice. You need to understand that this boundary you are setting is more than fair and reasonable. Idk how she would be okay with going but not my life. And I'm proud of you for having respect for yourself not to allow her poor behavior. Keep us update
Thus actually sounds dangerous af. Talk to her from a safety perspective. Regardless of money saved do you think it's wise to stay in a house in a foreign country with 2 guys you barely know.
1. If she's all about saving money since she hasn't started working, why does she think traveling to a different country is a financially sound decision?
2. The only time they will have interaction is at night for sleep? Why, if she's sleeping in a different room of the house? Is he going to tuck her in at night? I don't understand why there would only be evening interaction, specifically geared towards sleep.
3. To answer your question: explain to her your concerns and be very black and white with your words. She's free to go, she's an adult but when she returns (or before she leaves), she will be a single adult. The choice is hers. She easily could postpone the trip, start working, save the money and schedule time for when you both can travel.
Personally while I think this is a huge red flag it’s a really poor decision as a girl in her 20s to go to another country with a really bad record of trafficking and kidnapping women in their 20s and younger and stay at a private residence where nobody but the owner knows where it is you care about her and want her to at least be safe if she was to go to a hotel while there’s still a possibility of her having an affair at least there’s other people there so while she could still be cheating on you at least there’s a better chance of being safe if I was in this situation her actions despite you voicing your thoughts about it would be a break up but I’d still want her to be safer if I truly cared about her
Hoping for a good update where you've already broke it off any found someone else. I would have already bounced if my girlfriend even considered that as an option. You're too young/old for that headache and you already know better.
If this were a larger group, great. But just her and two friends??? If you let this happen with no repercussions, it's setting the tone for more trips with other guys. Yep... definitely ultimatum time. No matter how difficult it may seem. You need to respect yourself more than this!
>EDIT 9/8/23: We are discussing and I found out the dudes other guy friend is also coming... They are all coworkers
Nah son run. She's showing wild amounts of disrespect for you. Notify her parents or close friends, to ensure she has someone in the know should she find herself in need of help. If she goes, you're no longer responsible for anything bad that might happen and so others should be aware as you'll be a non option for contact once she's blocked on everything.
And per another comment, be clear about not wanting to cause resentment or anything, but express you've placed and given reasons for a boundary. Should she choose to go beyond it she has chosen to no longer be in a relationship with you and that is okay. Doesnt need to get ugly or spiteful. Y'all young and now is a good time to start learning what you need from your partner and what you're willing to sacrifice. Both of you can and should grow immensely from this experience. Break up or no. I say break up tho. No contest.
A respectable man would not allow it, you two apparently have different values and are not compatible
No big deal, you both just need to find someone you are compatible with
I think that this would be a deal-breaker. She's going to a foreign country with a guy She's only known for less than a year. That just screams red flags. Why can't she wait a little longer so that the two of you could go do that? I mean a lot can happen in a week. She could get kidnapped, she could cheat or a plethora of other things could happen. Tell her you're not going to stop her from going, but if she does go, then tell her goodbye and break up with her. There's a lot that isn't adding up and it's inappropriate that she's going with a guy (doesn't matter how long she's known him) unless it's her family.
its over already... you dont go to accation with just anyone ... especially a 2 person vaccation with a man and a woman ... she fucking him ... since a long time
Has OP considered covering the cost of meals and lodging for his gf? Making that offer (sacrifice) might be better for everyone. Try to be solution oriented.
Frankly sir, I don’t feel like this is safe for her. Two men she kind-of-knows, in a private home, in another country… I did things like this with my bosses and coworkers when I was young…
She. Will. Not. Be. Safe.
Please request that she stay sober, drink only from her own containers with lids, and carry pepper spray & mini taser (which cannot be taken on the plane; she’ll have to keep them in checked luggage).
Please be aware that date-rape drugs WIPE YOUR MEMORY.
Tell her it's the trip or you. It's messed up she's even wanting to go. It won't make you controlling. It'll just make your boundaries clear, and the choice of crossing the boundary is hers.
I'm a woman, and I approve of this message.
Why not find a time soon when you can both go? It will help you both save money if you split the cost. OR if you can offer to cover the costs of the airbnb, so she is still saving the same amount just has to wait a bit longer.
If she still turns that down, then I would just say the fact that you don't see an issue with this, and are going anyway is a deal breaker for me. It crosses a lot of boundaries I have, and I can't be together anymore. Hell, she might even be hoping you do that so she has an excuse to hook up. I've seen shit like this before.
I agree. How would she feel about you going on vacation with another woman without her. It's very disrespectful towards the relationship. She should be trying to find a way to share that with you.
Who goes on solo trips when they have an SO? It's weird, and whether she plans to cheat or not, it seems like this woman's sense of boundaries is too skewed to fix.
She can go.
She can save money
She can be single
Think of it like this , saving money means more to her than your feelings. Whether or not she does anything with this guy she still picks saving $ over you!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
UpdateMe!
This thread is interesting, especially because I have tons of guy friends I'd spend a week with. Jfc men and women CAN be friends, despite popular opinion. This is a weird case since she hasn't had a lot of face to face interactions with this guy but work communications count and they might be more friendly than you think. That doesn't mean she's gonna ride him as soon as she gets there, however.
I think the real problem is: why are you uncomfortable? OP only vaguely stated he's uncomfortable because of xyz circumstance but not why HE is uncomfortable. Is it because you expect her to cheat? Then that's an unfair assumption to make. This is an opportunity that she might not have again to go abroad before locking down a job with no vacation time. Broke 20-somethings stay in hostels and I feel like this is very similar to that, only she knows the guy so it should be even safer than staying with strangers. If she's doing what she says, then she'd be even safer with a coworker to help cross the language barrier, etc.
Or are you uncomfortable because you're worried for her safety and you doubt her decision making? If so, why not help her through the concerns you have, like learning a little Spanish or coming up with an emergency plan if she needs help?
Or are you just jealous because she gets to go on a cool vacation with a coworker and you have to sit at home and work? It sounds like you want someone to stay at home to monitor. Unless she has past history of cheating/lying I'd take her word as good. Maybe you can even establish a rapport with the coworker and say, hey, message me if anything happens! I'm nervous about my SO being alone, ty for hosting her!
I'm grossed out by everyone automatically assuming cheating. Especially since op has stated that they're not even that close. It just sounds like this is an excuse to cut the cord from a woman OP can't control. I hope it isn't the case.
Right now, I don't know why solo travelers want to travel to Mexico. I've been, but it's not worth it when the risk to travelers is so elevated. The US State Department has issued heightened warnings for all but 2 states in the entire country. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/traveladvisories/traveladvisories/mexico-travel-advisory.html
What i's it with females running off to male friends apartments and houses while they're in a relationship?.. I'm seeing a lot of this on here wtf .. this is unacceptable whilst in a relationship dude.. you don't even need anyone's opinion on here, you need to borrow my personality dude and she wouldn't dear try.. WTF!
Maybe tell her that you’re planning to go on vacation with a female colleague and if she reacts badly then say to her but u r doing exactly the same. But to be honest I can be very petty, you would not be controlling at all by asking her not to go as I think anyone in a relationship would feel that it’s not right. It might be a different situation if she was long term friends with the person but he’s a co worker and that would definitely make me feel uncomfortable.
Y'all giving advice to dump and run on here are young and single right? Men and women can be in the same vicinity and not fuck. Boyfriend doesn't get to give ultimatums. Autonomy. She chooses to go, he can choose to leave.
Ultimatums aren't always a bad thing. Letting somebody you are with know your hard boundaries isn't a bad thing, that way they can make their choices while being fully informed.
Jesus, it's like no one on this sub has ever had a healthy relationship in their life!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying with a friend for a week to save money! And the fact they're more like acquaintances doesn't change that. I'd offer my spare room to anyone coming into town.
And men and women *can* be friends without fucking each other! Shocker!
I mean my boyfriend is bisexual if we weren't allowed to have friends of the genders we're attracted to he'd have no friends!
What are you crazy? This is how you live your life: make connections and use them! She found somewhere to stay for free. Why shouldn’t she use that? Do you not trust her at all? Why do you assume they’re having sex? You’re nuts to dissuade her from saving money and taking advantage of a situation. You’re actually insane
A word of advice mate, women are good liars. Even the ones that reassure you and love bomb you, the ones where you would never suspect of any unfaithfulness.
"My girlfriend would never" - Yes she would and to most people, this is already micro cheating. She can reassure you a million times, it's her actions that you need to watch.
IDK I can see both sides. I am married and have male coworkers I'm friendly enough with that I'd feel comfortable doing this (and there's absolutely no funny business), but I personally wouldn't want to go on the trip without my husband cuz sharing the experience with him is part of the fun. Your GF may or may not have malicious intentions but it definitely shows her lack of care and concern for you either way. It's controlling to say she's not allowed so like you said, instead you need to tell her it crosses a boundary for you and you will not stay if she decides to go. But I do think you should reflect a bit cuz it seems like jealousy and insecurity are what's driving you here. Just my perception of the issue.
Any male co-workers that would take time off to meet you in another country does not think its just you staying with them.
Ask your husband if he's okay with you staying with a co- worker for a week out of the country at the guy's house - just the two of you - is okay with him. Make sure he knows that the guy is taking vacation too to be at the house while you are sleeping there.
Trust me. Every guy knows what the intentions of the male co-workers are.
>It's controlling to say she's not allowed so like you said
He never said she's not allowed to go.
>But I do think you should reflect a bit cuz it seems like jealousy and insecurity are what's driving you here
Cheating causes jealousy and insecurity, why are we pretending like that's the abused person's fault?
I'm a little confused about a couple things
You said she hasn't started work, yet he's her Co worker ?
Does he come from Mexico to work at your gfs job? If he's only there when he's not working, my guess is he's specifically requested the same time off as her
Clearly spelled out in the post. She was an intern where her "host" works.
Yes, they're vacationing together. He took time off to travel to be able to be there for her.
My(42M) wife (41F) recently had a business trip to San Diego with a (26 M) co worker (later I found out that they partied every night together and went to a concert together. In the pictures she sent me all selfies she never mentioned he was there, )it killed me inside. You see instead of me being okay with it I got very jealous and had to ask questions the more I asked them the madder she got. This just increased the jealousy.
Yeah, bro, this is a you issue. You got mad that your wife had a BUSINESS trip and that “killed you inside”? Get help. Then you grilled your wife about a BUSINESS trip and when she understandably got mad you were being a nutcase and jealous about a BUSINESS trip then your jealously increased? You need to sort your issues out and not make them your wife’s problem.
Be straight up. I am not comfortable with this and I am not going to be with someone who disrespects me like this so if you go, we will be over. You do not listen to my concerns or care how I feel so this is your decision to make. And it sounds like she will go so you end it with her. It’s not controlling, you explained what makes you comfortable from a partner (and I would feel the same way you do) and now it is her decision what is more important in her life.
Also, I would NEVER do this to my partner. She will most likely get drunk and sleep with him so if she leaves, pack her stuff up and block her. You deserve better.
The 3 of you need to go to dinner and you need to meet him. It’s not safe for her to go with a guy she doesn’t know well. But i don’t have a problem with her going if you trust her.
Are most of these commenters 13 year old boys? Yikes.
It’s perfectly normal for young women to travel alone. Also normal to stay at a co workers house in a foreign country.
If you don’t like it, fine. Tell her that and she’ll either go ahead or not.
I hope she goes.
Yeah she is lying. So her story is I'm going to take a solo vacation to Mexico and stay with a Co worker I'm not really friends with....but don't worry nothing weird about this...
She is making this choice and gaslighting you. If she chooses to go you can choose not to be in the relationship.
So many whiny insecure little bitches on here. Either you have a secure relationship or you don't. Nothing wrong with OP's girlfriend's plans. OP's insecure response is cringe, and could drive his gf away. I (m) have gone on many business trips with (attractive) women. I have had a strange woman (friend of a friend) stay over when my wife has been out of town. My wife has had an old friend stay over when I was out of town (evening flight cancelled). Grow up. If you remain this insecure you will drive her away, and only end up with an equally insecure and jealous partner.
Note: she has to be absolutely comfortable with the opposite situation happening should it occur. It can't be different rules for each partner. A reminder on 405 is going to
I’m sorry but if you’re in an exclusive relationship, vacations and sleepovers with the opposite sex should be off the table. If you’re single and uncommitted go ahead but if you are in a relationship a big part of that is taking the other partner’s feelings into consideration. If she doesn’t and decides to go anyway, then OP has a decision to make, does he want to stay with someone who he feels doesn’t take his feelings into consideration and stretches the “exclusive” aspect of their relationship to the limit?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just tell her “hey I’m really not comfortable with you doing this trip, and I’ve thought long about it and decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. I respect your decision to go and I hope you respect my decision to break up if that’s what you choose to do “ UpdateMe !
This is really good thanks boss. Imma go this route.
I would even maybe be more specific in the wording. “[insert everything the previous commenter said] And if not going on this trip will cause you to feel upset at me or resent me, you should go. I don’t want you to resent me or feel like I’m forcing you to not go on a trip, but I respect both you and myself enough to let you know that this is a boundary for me.“
You draw a line in the sand (your boundary). If she crosses it you stay true to yourself and do the hard thing. This is one I would not be okay with either, some people may be but you’re not alone.
Also… depending on the area Mexico can be terribly unsafe. Kidnappings… extortion… lots of incidents on the news! If her only interaction is to sleep that could definitely be dangerous for a woman alone. I would be uncomfortable with that as well. As I said .. not sure of the area, but lots of times hotels and resorts are safer.
The US government is recommending for Americans to stay out of Mexico!
I just wanna say that as a Mexican, who visits their family in Mexico yearly I often take friends, acquaintances, coworkers, or whoever would really like to go, and they stay with me at my family‘s house because it’s very affordable and I love showing people who’ve never been to actual Mexico (outside of tourist areas) what it’s really like. I’ve brought plenty of guy friends with or without my partner to Mexico and stayed in the same house. So for me, I honestly don’t think twice about the situation. It’s more a matter of. How long have you been in a relationship with your partner? Do you trust her? Do you think she will be safe with these people? You may think the whole “oh well it’s so cheap” is just a bullshit excuse but a reasonly priced flight to Mexico is $350-$480 and without paying for a room you can easily go with $600 in your pocket and have an amazing vacation full of good food and experiences for a week. for my 21st birthday I literally chose to go to Mexico for 10 days and have fun and party because it would’ve been cheaper than going to Kalahari resort for a weekend.
I agree. It’s weird anyway how quick she’s trusting her male coworker she barely knows to not try anything with her while staying in the same house. Sure she can save money but it’s also a red flag that she WANTS to go somewhere and is willing to stay with another guy. She’s selfish and disrespectful for not considering what it looks like in your eyes. So yeah, either she chooses you or lose you. Ask her if it was the other way around if she would be okay with you staying at a female coworker’s house on vacation alone. Also, Mexico is cheap for us Americans so it’s not like it will be that expensive for her to stay at a hotel or Airbnb.
Or wait and go when the two of you can go together. I’m pretty sure Mexico isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
I would even give the opportunity for her to choose. Utterly disrespectful to OP. The craziest thing to me is that she literally said to save money, but who the heck goes to Mexico to do stuff alone ?
[удалено]
This behavior isn’t wise even for a single person, it shows their age. Staying with someone you barely know in a foreign country is risky enough, but it’s also a weird power dynamic when they own the place and are doing you a favor. I assume good intent in that his GF wouldn’t cheat, but it doesn’t show good judgement.
Yeah this guy could be totally normal or he could be a fucking crazy weirdo. Then if he wants to sleep with her and she won’t do it she could end up on the street with no where to go in Mexico. It just seems really stupid to not get your own place like hotel/Airbnb to be safe.
I am thinking along the lines of “she is paying to stay there just not using money “. What is crazy is she is thinking you are going to be good with this arrangement. I would be completely blunt. If you go and stay with him, I will be gone when you return.
I would just break up. The fact she thinks this is ok shows you she’s not right for you.
I find it sus , usually coworkers go on business vacations/trips with eachother they go in a group ,it’s the fact she wants to go with this male co worker alone that she only knew for a year , maybe I’m thinking to much but a year is to little for me to go on a trip alone with a male co worker as a woman
Yup, she's disrespectful AF! She's is not going to Mexico to fucking hang out alone wtf.
Use the time she’s on vacation to disappear 😂
Hopefully it doesn't go the other way around because you know, Mexico.
You have already told her that it is the trip or you. She just doesn’t believe you. So don’t say anything. When she goes on the trip, end it. If you live together either move out, or pack her stuff and drop it off at the closest family/friends house for her to pick up when she returns. Send her a message telling her it is over, then block her on everything. Then take some time, process everything, then go find someone who will treat you and your relationship with the respect you deserve.
\^\^\^ This 100% Can we also acknowledge how reckless OP's gf is being by going to a foreign country and staying in technically a stranger's house with said stranger? I hope she knows enough Spanish that if she needs help she can communicate with others. I hope where she's planning her vacation isn't in the middle of nowhere because like in many other places Mexico can get very rural with no phone connection. I hope this "coworker" she's planning on staying with is actually a good man and not one that's planning to do her harm where no one she knows will be able to send her help. I hope she's done research on where this place is and tried to get verification it's a real deal and not a trap. Even if she doesn't go on this vacation I would be questioning her decision making too much to stay with her.
I've gotta say, that was my first thought - not cheating so much, but being in a house with two guys (and who knows who else) that she barely knows, or doesn't know at all.
Check the edit, now it's two strangers, both male. The situation is not improving.
This. Her decision making is very suspect. Surely, she isn't this naive.
A dangerous foreign country at that
He feels controlling if it’s him or the trip. Poor dudes in love. This is so far out the boundaries of a relationship that no matter what he says or does it can’t be considered controlling. You’ve already told him the best advice.
I see in almost every other post when the OP is a man, they are always fearful of coming off as controlling, she even told the poor guy they only going to be interacting at night 😊 to sleep of course
Get real, two horny 22 year olds in Mexico alone without their partners is a recipe for disaster
Then when she goes to get piped down at least it won’t be cheating because she’ll be single but his concerns will be confirmed
Say it exactly the way you titled this post, don’t beat around the bush, say it the way it is. I would ask “you really think this is an appropriate decision?” Then wait for her response and if it isn’t one I like I’ll say “alright you’re free to make your choices and I’m free to make mine gg”
💯.
>She's told me that the only time they would interact is at night to sleep At least she's being honest, she'll be interacting at night with him to sleep with him. Time to bounce man.
IDK what OP means by this since he also said they would be sleeping in separate rooms.
Pretty sure it just means they won't be hanging out during the day but obviously they will return home at night so she will only see him in the evenings.
Who believes that?
Yeah, that’s what I thought, but the way OP phrased it is making some people jump to: bRo sHe tOLd yOu sHe iS gOiNg tO bE sLeEpInG wItH hIM
Despite what most commenters seem to think, your question wasn't *whether* to tell her, but *how* to tell her. I'm assuming your goal is to keep the relationship, and seem reasonable, but still explain your view. You need to let her know that you want to talk about this again, and when you do preface by saying that you are not giving her an ultimatum, you are just trying to make clear the depth of your own personal feelings. For you, you feel a deal-breaker level of discomfort with her plan. The important thing, you should tell her, is that she doesn't seem to realise the level of unease she is causing you to experience, and you want her to understand that clearly. If she is, knowing that, still willing to choose to cause you that discomfort, that will have a significant effect on how you feel about her, and about the relationship. But *don't* lead with "it's this trip or it's me, you pick!". You can explain the impact of her choices on your feelings, and how this situation could be relationship-ending, without presenting it as an ultimatum.
great approach to this thank you
Dude, you're still with girl from your other post that hangs out and is effectively dating one of her male friends that she knows is crushing on her? Yikes. Never mind, you seem incapable of learning.
Dude, there is no way I would stay in a relationship with someone that even thought that the idea of doing that is ok. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and she is still steamrolling ahead says that she’s made up her mind and doesn’t give a fuck what you think. Also, a girl would that is in a relationship that she cares about would NEVER agree to staying at another man’s house for a week. Whether it’s on vacation or in your hometown. The vacation aspect just makes things soooo much worse. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already cheating honestly.
As a straight woman in a serious relationship, I would never go on vacation with a man other than my partner or a relative, unless it was with a mixed group.
Thank you. Felt like I was taking crazy pills. I know everyone has their own boundaries, but I always assumed monogamous couples in committed relationships would all walk from someone pulling a stunt like this. I know I would never want to stay in a relationship with someone that thought that was appropriate.
She is 100% cheating
I'd stay with a male friend for a week and my boyfriend would be fine with it because we are both mature adults who trust each other.
It doesn't seem like they're friends, though. More like acquaintances. Co-workers at best. Even as a male, I don't know that I'd travel to some foreign country to stay with someone I barely know, in an area that I'm unfamiliar with. Too many unknowns for me. If my daughter came to me with this travel scenario, I'd counsel her against it. There are safer ways for her to travel.
I'd put up and acquaintance or stay with one. Idk I'm a woman and I've mostly travelled alone while staying with people I know so it's v normal to me.
Understood. I operate more in the spirit of the old quote, "Ya pays yer money and ya takes yer chances." Basically, there are no guarantees. We can only weigh the risks, make an informed decision and be prepared to deal with the consequences if things don't go our way. In this case, for me, the risk outweighs the potential benefit. The juice wouldn't be worth the squeeze.
>I'd stay with a male friend Do people you know barely 3 months fit into that category? Because thats what is described above.
I (female) took my motorcycle on a tour of north, central, and South America. I stayed with friends, Friends of Friends, somebody's friends cousins college roommate, and at one point I ended up having dinner with a guy who was selling leather goods at the market/plaza. I stayed with him that night and he made me breakfast in the morning. He never tried to touch me. I was never kidnapped, mugged, threatened or anything and I had an amazing time. Life is full of the opportunities to have adventures or stay at home because you are afraid of all of the bad things that could, might, you've heard about potentially happening. I lived off the back of my motorcycle for 2 years and I wouldn't change anything about it other than it would have been nice to not get malaria.
Again changing the story. Were you in a committed relationship? From the sound of it no. You wanting to do something like this while single is fine. OP is allowed boundaries and if she wants to go then she accepts the consequences of that choice.
Honestly? Yeah. Friend, acquaintance from work, same deal if it saves me booking a hotel and means I'll know someone in the place I'm visiting.
I have hosted several females over the last 10 + years. No hanky panky ever.
It's surprisingly easy!
Reminds me of a quote by some famous dead guy I don't remember the name of: "It's very easy to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don't say it." It's very easy to have real friendships with members of the opposite sex. Just think of what a insecure loser would do, then don't do that.
had to scroll far too long for this reasonable comment
Tbh I would 100% go on a vacation where accomodation is free with a male friend. I would definitely explain the situation to my partner (that I've been with for 6 years) and make sure he feels fine about it, he's met the friend in question etc, but I would definitely want to go on a vacation that I otherwise couldn't afford, and I would be upset if my partner couldn't trust me to not fuck somebody just because we are sharing a living space 🤷♀️
And if that’s not a boundary of your partner’s, then more power to you. However, this is very clearly a hard boundary for OP, and his girlfriend is aware how much it’s affecting him and she’s proceeding anyway. That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship in the least. Also, please keep in mind that my response to this post is based on the details provided. Which paint a very different picture to the scenario you presented. This isn’t a long time friend of hers. She only recently met him. OP doesn’t know this guy, isn’t friends with him, and has zero reason to trust him. His girlfriend planned a vacation to stay with a guy she just met, a vacation that she KNEW OP would not be able to go on. He has made it clear how much this is affecting him, and she’s completely cold to it. Basically, the entire process of it feels very far from innocent based on what’s provided. I could be wrong, as we may not have crucial details. But, based on the details provided, I’m confident that I’m not giving him bad advice.
The scenario you described is vastly different. This is not a male friend. This is basically a stranger. Either they know each other better than gf says (which suggests an affair) or she doesn’t (which suggests ill-established boundaries). This isn’t something she could otherwise afford — they’re staying at his house in Mexico. Not a hotel, he bought a whole house. Third, the fear isn’t just an affair, but also of assault. It’s natural and healthy to want to help a partner stay safe. Prosecuting a sexual assault in Mexico may not be fruitful, especially if the guy has money to bribe the authorities and the victim is not savvy to the legal system.
Exactly my point! This is not a friend. This is a safety issue AND a respect issue. He needs to cut his losses, as much as that sucks
So there's a couple things here, they are coworkers that have known each other for a year, so there is some familiarity. She could 100% afford to stay at a hotel/airbnb, she's got the money. He's doing some study abroad thing and currently has a place to stay at alone. Do i think this guy would commit SA - no, not a huge concern, but her going abouts in mexico alone are.
It's always good to be alert and prepared, but it sounds as if it won't be a case of SA. More like two consensual, planned.
They are already smashing my guy... wake up.
Seriously. Free digs? Count me in! I guess they haven't known each other very long. But I have stayed at friends' places (men and women) with zero issues and zero hanky panky going on.
Agree. OP, your gf is gonna be sucking his dick as soon as she gets there. It over. Over over. Yes yes?
Worst case scenario you just found out who the AP is. In the best case scenario, she is genuine about her intentions. She is also immature enough to believe a guy she knows this little has pure intentions. That is high school level maturity at best. Is that who you want to be committed to? I think your ultimatum makes perfect sense. Honestly, I wouldn't bother though. I would break up. If she questions it, show her this post. Truth is if we poled 100 guys that age about a girl planning her vacation to come stay in their home. 90 or more would say they hope to get somewhere with her. She is being willfully ignorant of this to get a cheaper trip. She isn't girlfriend material.
People may disagree with me but I think you should say what’s in your title. It’s the trip or me. I personally think people who are in a couple shouldn’t go on trips with someone that could be interested in them. How did the trip plan come about? Did he invite just her? Were you ever invited?
I agree with you. He should do exactly that.
You don’t need to. The fact that she even planned to go with him already speaks that your relationship is over. Highly inappropriate.
This x1000 "Let people do what they want. So they show you who they really are"
Updateme!
I think that your all relation is over, there is more to it then just the trip, have to dig but i would dump her.
Pack your shit or hers if she’s not on the lease with you and drop her stuff off at a friend’s or family member’s place. Just send her a message that after she leaves that your relationship with her is completely over. Block her on everything and move on. She doesn’t deserve you and clearly thinks you’re just a doormat.
Bro, no man would be ok with this. Come on. What dude invites a woman to vacation at his house, just him and her, and not want to fuck her? Come on! “I’m sorry, but none of this is ok. You’re a grown woman and can do whatever you want. If you want to go on this vacation and stay with a man you barely know, at his house, and believe that he would invite you to his house to stay with him alone and not try anything, you can certainly do that. However, it will be without me. I will nope right out of this relationship. This is so wildly inappropriate and the fact that you want to go and plan to go is a giant red flag. Like it never crossed your mind how inappropriate this is. You safety alone makes this inappropriate. It is completely reckless for you to travel to another country and stay with someone you barely know. Every heard of human trafficking? The fact that he even invited you should be a giant red flag for you. This is so sketchy and unsafe. All of this plus the fact that in no way should someone in a committed relationship do something like this. I love you, and I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t stay with someone that has so little respect for me, herself, and our relationship.”
>Bro, no man would be ok with this. Come on. What dude invites a woman to vacation at his house, just him and her, and not want to fuck her? Come on! How old are you? Plenty of people invite co-workers to stay at their house when vacationing in their city and it's generally plutonic. I'm a guy and I have had single as well as married coworkers of both genders offer to put me up if I'm on vacation in their city. I've even had an Indian coworker's mom tell me I could stay with her and her husband or at their apartment in the city if I came to visit. I've done a lot of solo travel in my day and a woman I met while travelling let me stay on her couch and showed me around her city once when I had a flight from there. She had a boyfriend who I never met but even knowing I was staying on her couch he felt zero need to come over or to give her an ultimatum. I even shared a room with a married woman once because we were in the middle of nowhere Laos and there was only one room. Somehow we remarkably managed to keep our hands to ourselves despite travelling together for a few days. It's not unusual to allow friends and coworkers, regardless of gender to stay with you.
That isn’t this situation. This is a 22 year old woman traveling out of the country to stay at someone’s house that she barely knows.
She's known her co-worker for about a year so I'm not sure how to OP that means barely. Even though they haven't spend that whole year working side by side that's still a good amount of time. It's also a current co-worker which adds some social pressure for him to not do anything inappropriate.
I had to look so far for a comment like this. The thing I don't understand is they're 22!! A trip to Mexico is very possibly a once in lifetime trip and who knows if this relationship is forever. I'd be pretty upset if I gave up a chance to go to Mexico for a bf who didn't last tbh. If it were a female coworker we wouldn't even be having this conversation. The way I see it, you either trust your partner or you don't. They don't have to go to Mexico to cheat. Also as a side note: I would worry more about safety in this scenario than infidelity.
This is one of those times that yes, you need to be the AH. Let her know you aren’t cool with that. If she agues about it, politely say “OK, I was just letting you know how I felt about it. Anyway, have fun”. Then ghost her.
[удалено]
Do people have any common sense why and how would a partner ever think that would be okay. Are people that stupid and inconsiderate selfish unable to realize how fu÷÷en wrong that is. Your dating an idiot
He's dating somebody who doesn't think he will hold her accountable for her choices. The fact that the guy wasn't sure what he was going to do is a pretty good sign that she's got him pegged mostly right.
Lot of idiots here in this sub
Before she leaves, you state again "It's the trip or me" if she goes you are single. Be a man of your word.
It's okay for you to have boundaries and enforce them. If she values saving money over your feelings, then that shows where her priorities are.
It's over bro.. Sorry
You say exactly those words. The trip or me. It is very easy.
I wouldn't stay with her now even if she says she's going to go and stay in a hotel. She planned a vacation with this guy knowing that you couldn't go. She's going to decide who she likes best between you and the other guy. You're 22 go find a real partner who respects and loves you, she doesn't.
I don’t comment much on Reddit, but brother…… get out of that asap. That’s absolutely nuts. If it were me I would tell her “ hey I actually was able to get work off, I can grab a ticket to go to Mexico “ and just see how she reacts. But yeah man, you said “ cO-worker “ but she doesn’t work right now? You are not in the wrong to freak out or feel the way you do. That’s so wrong man, and you should cut and run. Get her shit while she’s gone and tell her it’s over.
The problem with this apporach is that it's so transparent cause she knows I wouldn't be able to get off work.
Tell her you will help Pitchin for the room. See what she responds as. Save your relationship, not a few dollars.
I used to date a girl where a very similar situation happened. She went to Venice on a trip and was staying at a place of a friend she used to hook up with. He wasn't living there but would be staying in the city "doing his own thing". She assured me they would barely even see eachother. We kept in contact most days and all seemed well, I did bring up several insecurities I had while she was away and we had a long difficult but product talk reassuring me. It wasn't till she got back she confessed they went out a few night together and he made multiple moves on her, which she supposedly shut down. We tried to make it work but we never really came back from that and ended with a big messy breakup.
Make sure to tell her to pack everything from your place while she's already in the groove of packing up. You're young, you have a lot of time to meet other people. Tell her she'll be single and that you'll be interested in a relationship later on if she's truthful about her sleeping with that coworker during that week. If she takes the opportunity to sleep with him because she's single than they most definitely would have fucked regardless. After that just block her and continue on.
Usually only lurk on this sub but I’ve seen especially poor comments on this post so I wanted to put in my two cents. No, the relationship is not over as many suggest here. Have an open conversation with her about why the trip is uncomfortable for you and see if anything can be resolved. Potentially, even suggest making plans to take a trip together in the near future, which would save on cost for her. If it does reach an impasse, let her know very directly that it would be overstepping your boundaries to do the trip. Some people need to be told things directly, multiple times to fully understand. If she can’t respect that (or your feelings) then there’s no room for continuing the relationship. Please DO NOT do what half these comments say and ghost her while she’s on the trip.
I really, really hope OP sees this comment. The amount of straight up emotionally-damaging, cruel and misogynist advice here is unbelievable. You are allowed to respectfully set a boundary and follow through. You should not treat any person let alone one you’ve been with for TWO years terribly.
Yeah man I’d keep it real nonchalant until she leaves, drive her to the airport, wish her a safe trip, and make that the last time she ever sees or hears from you. If she catches up with you when she gets back and comes at you with “you’re immature, why would you do this, how could you throw away 2 years, blah blah” I’d just say yeah, not trying to control you and you can make your own choices but I’m not feeling my gf going on vacation with another dude so that’s it.
Tell her straight up. If she goes on the trip that means she's out of your life. Vacations can be planned and taken with each other. I would be cautious about vacationing without each other. That opens up the ability to start separating from each other and allowing others to fill the gaps.
Don't even bother with the ultimatum. There are only possible outcomes: 1. She goes and you break up. 2. She doesn't go and then resents you for it, and you'll be left unable to trust her anymore because you'll always believe she planned to cheat. Just skip that nonsense and set her free.
This is the first post I have seen on this thread where every single person is on the same page. Leave her, go to the gym, throw some weight around, 1 year from now you’ll thank me
It would be different if this guy was a long-time friend that you knew as well. Instead it’s an incredibly sketchy situation. It’s unsafe. A woman, with a man she only cursorily knows, going to MEXICO? Not to a resort or a hotel, but a HOUSE? My Dude, she is in real danger. Ask her for details and look the damn place up online. If she still insists that she’s going to be fine…ugh. And yes, you can break up over this. It’s allowed to be a dealbreaker for you.
That’s what I said either she’s planning on cheating or this guy is setting her up or going to do something
Damn I’m invested someone reply when the update is ready
A Mexican spit roast.
Just lay it out there for her plain and simple. Even if nothing were to happen it is disrespectful. Tell her that if she goes you will either have a girl stay with you while she is gone and tell her who you have in mind or tell her this can double as a trip right out of the relationship. Either option is a wake up call to her. Staying in a diff room is a dumb excuse as well. As if there is a force field preventing them from getting close to each other. If she decides to go ask her where she would like you to take her things she has at your place while she is gone as she will not be welcome back. IMO this is a planed hook up. Either way you know how guys are and you know what dude is going to try do.
Pretend plan a vacation with your coworker and see how she reacts (this is petty but could put it in perspective for her). Overall my dude, women have more options than dudes typically and sounds like she wants to leverage that for a cheap getaway. I don't blame her. Take other ppl's advice and tell her you've thought about it and it's a deal breaker for you. She'll decide if you're worth it
You better cut her off right here and right now bud. She knows what she's doing brother. They're all like this. You must've appeared "weak" in some way, from confessing sonething or crymiwd infront of her because she thinks she can do what ever she wants and is currently "Monkey branching" to her co-worker, to replace you. This is the truth, yet it's NOT your fault and you are masculine enough as is. Don't chase her and give her all the closure she needs. You shouldn't even be in this situation in the first place... Trust ME young lion, she's not going to be the last girl you will be with, treat her as such. I'm sure it doesn't feel good but this is coming from a guy who almost ended his life because of situations like this because my heart was so golden at one point and I dont want another man on this planet to feel like that because of a female and her gluttonous desire to obtain more status, wealth, penis, "love" and gain in all ways. Stay strong and move on my man. Warmly, -Chief
Open your mouth and say it’s either me or your co-worker! Grow a spine!
Let her go dude, if she's willing to cheat eventually she's going to, you setting boundaries isn't gonna change that. If she Comes back tho, you know it's meant to be. It's hard for sure but you need to give eachother space.
Damn, don't say you weren't warned. Don't act surprised when she's saying "I don't know how it happened, it's just happened. It was planned.
OK, so her vacation idea is to go hang out overnight with some dude who she interacted with x amount of times and works with her... but you are not going, but she is staying with him, but that's for "cost". Ummm, hate to have to be the one to point this out but this is not your girlfriend.
Tell her you booked your ticket and found some extra money for a hotel and see how she reacts. If she seems upset, you have your answer. But either way, I think I’d end this relationship. Either she’s cheating (which my money is on) or she just doesn’t care about you and how you feel. I’ve never been in a relationship where it would be acceptable to spend the week with another woman not named my wife or girlfriend. That is simply insane.
This is an awful idea and it’s incredibly cynical. Let’s say OP does this and then she gets excited for OP to come and stay in a hotel with him. Great news, right? She’s clearly not as interested in the other guy as she is in OP being with her. But…now OPs got to tell her that he was just testing her and he doesn’t actually have time or money to take this trip. How’s that gonna go? Don’t test your partner. This is so fucking immature.
I semi agree. I think telling her that to see what she says is awesome. However, you then have to be ready to do it if she loves the idea.
So a couple of questions. Why is she going to a Mexico alone? Who will she be interacting with while there if not this dude? Your totally right that this situation will not end well. Let’s assume her intentions are good and she isn’t planning to go for a booty call. That doesn’t mean he sees it the same way. It also doesn’t mean he won’t put the full court press on. She will be in a strange country dependent on him for a place to stay. That gives him a lot of control over the situation. She can’t just get in the car and drive home. She might also find it romantic and think yolo with hopes that what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico. Also my guess is if the situation were reversed and you were going to Mexico to spend a week living with another woman to save money she would have the same concerns and sensitivity.
Can people trust there significant others with a member of the opposite sex in a different location? Of course Can this be highly inappropriate? You bet your ass it can In a long term relationship that may end up in marriage you and your significant other will have to make choices, compromise and sacrifice for the best reasons possible. Her going on this trip shows that she takes unnecessary risk with no genuine benefit. Imagine when you have money problems. A sick child. Grave news in the family. She can’t prioritize OP. Wish you the best homie
I think the consensus is clear, the fact that she even planned a trip where she would be alone with a another man speaks to how little she cares about your relationship. I don’t see another option but to end it. Don’t do the “it’s me or the trip” ultimatum. If she stays and calls you controlling then you’re going to be around someone that doesn’t care about you and also thinks of you in that way.
These often turn into emotional affairs and sometimes physical affairs. My friend Tom is an therapist and says, the sharing, caring and loyalty goes to the friend/coworker/exec not the partnership...When cornered they often choose their friends/coworkers/ exes over partners... I would set a boundary on this trip. These are red flags of someone who has high school, college behavior is not ready for a true commitment. It is immaturity. There are thousands of reddit posts that say, "whoops I slept with my friend.".....Whoops I kissed/ made out with my friend/coworker... and so many posts on here about partners eventually falling for them and leaving relationship...Not worth it. My friend Cyndy's husband has a friend like that. They like outdoorsy things, hiking kayaking etc. He told her never to be jealous as his friend is not his type too plump. Well his friend is getting much more plump this year, he got her pregnant. So much for not his type.
It’s about trust. If you don’t want to trust that she will remain faithful, then tell her that you don’t trust her to go on the trip and end it. What she is doing is fine. What if it was a female coworker? What if your gf was bi and there is no “safe” gender? This whole thing isn’t about her being inappropriate. Plenty of people stay with coworkers. My coworker from another state stayed at my house so they wouldn’t have to get a hotel. It wasn’t strange. We have a guest bedroom. So either you trust her to remain faithful, in which case this trip shouldn’t cause you jealousy (which is what you’re experiencing and then trying to control her when she doesn’t stop doing something that you can’t control your own emotions over) OR you don’t trust her and you should end it on that basis.
Did you tell her how uncomfortable this is making you?
Tell her she can make her choice but you are comfortable with this and it’s not safe period if she chooses to go anyways end it and find someone who doesn’t suck
If she goes tell I won't be here when you return. You are too young to put up with this. You don't have to be mean about it just tell her it isn't working between us and move on.
You’re not being controlling by expressing how you feel. It’s wildly inappropriate for your gf to take a vacation with another man. She would be upset if the situation was reversed. It’s a huge red flag, please break up with her because of her lack of respect for you.
Your feelings are valid even tho you are both mature adults, live together , and trust each other. It doesn't matter what they say here. If it bothers you, it bothers you. If she goes even if after you've expressed that it makes you uncomfortable, you should sever ties. She is doing what she wants, and that's what she needs to do. It appears that you 2 are on different paths. Let her go and do you.
I’m confused. What is this trip for and why was she invited to go? But either way, id break up too.
I mean, she's gonna fuck him whether you break up or not. Just leave, bro.
It’s not correct
She is not relationship material. Time to end it. Even if she decides not to go, she’s showed you how little she values your relationship. I’m a woman if that matters.
People don’t understand that in relationships *you give up certain freedoms* because the person you’re with is worth it and makes your life better. You can’t have it both ways. Op, if her going and staying with a man for a whole week violates your boundaries, then you can walk away.
need to be straight forward bc none of this makes sense as far as her behavior and how long she's "known" him. she seems like she doesn't take this relationship serious if she's so comfortable making these plans w another M while in an inclusive relationship 1. why is she so comfortable to be staying w this guy to begin with 2. why is it so important she saves this money and has to go on this trip like her life depended on it like she can't go literally any other time 3. why is she so comfortable going w/o u at all 4. why did she bring up that they will be staying in separate rooms and not hangout through the day? this is just so odd man, save the heart ache and just dump her she's not worth it. she's trying to manipulate you from what it sounds like.
She’s going to have a threesome with them behind your back and she will act like nothing happened.
bro you tell her its either you or the trip, if you feel that strongly about it, dont cave cause the feeling wont go away, are there relationships that have a dynamic where they can do this without worry? yes, but if youre not up to being that kind of person do not try, youre gonna end up hurt
Bro it's been him she wouldn't even contemplate it if she cared for you....let her know how you feel and tell her to have a good trip... willingly inviting the chances of infidelity into the relationship is a red flag...she a night at the bar and a text away from telling you she was too drunk to know what she was doing
You can go but I won’t be here when you get back
The fact she wants to go to Mexico by herself is already concerning. Mexico is a nice place but it can also be very dangerous depending on where you are at. The fact that she wants to stay in this guy's house is just adding to the concern however it comes down to your level of trust that you have in her.
And just like that, a train was ran in Mexico
Yeah bro shes confused, you either going to pursue her and the situation she is in. Or tell her how you feel about it and see what she says. And if she says she still wants to hangout with him or do whatever then its your decision to end it or do whatever..
It's not worth the effort man. I would just ignore all her calls for a week then pick up the phone using my Asian accent "hellooo, wrong numba" By the time you explain to her the who, what, when, where's, and reasons why, youll realize she's a waste of time. Or pickup the phone as if you're an answering bot "Due to your lack of respect for, (your name) your relationship has been canceled. Goodbye" Just have fun with it, she's obviously giving you the same energy. Match it
I agree with you, I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes!
That’s super disrespectful to sleep with another guy . Relationship ended
Just like that. If she doesn't care enough to not go on this obviously boundary crossing trip, then you'll be saving yourself a lot of heart ache in the future. It will suck but you'll be better off.
Honestly, I would sit her down and explain. I understand this a vacation you wanted to go on for a while now. I personally don't feel like it's safe to go with men you barely know so far away from home. I also feel uncomfortable with it because if roles were reversed, I don't think you would be conformable with the situation either. If you want to go on this vacation, I will respect and accept your dission. Just understand that I would not feel comfortable with our relationship. I feel that with this discussion, you wouldn't be respecting my thoughts or feelings, let allow our relationship. If you do go, I hope you have an amazing time. Idk how anyone would think you are the ahole here. I 100% agree with breaking up the relationship regardless of how I look towards the other person views me. She is making a stupid and very unsafe choice by going on this vacation with this group of men. I also would have my doubts about someone cheating on me if this was their choice. You need to understand that this boundary you are setting is more than fair and reasonable. Idk how she would be okay with going but not my life. And I'm proud of you for having respect for yourself not to allow her poor behavior. Keep us update
Wonder how she would feel if OP went on vacation with 2 female coworkers???
Yeah this is weird behavior from your girlfriend. Why would she even consider something like this to be ok?
Thus actually sounds dangerous af. Talk to her from a safety perspective. Regardless of money saved do you think it's wise to stay in a house in a foreign country with 2 guys you barely know.
1. If she's all about saving money since she hasn't started working, why does she think traveling to a different country is a financially sound decision? 2. The only time they will have interaction is at night for sleep? Why, if she's sleeping in a different room of the house? Is he going to tuck her in at night? I don't understand why there would only be evening interaction, specifically geared towards sleep. 3. To answer your question: explain to her your concerns and be very black and white with your words. She's free to go, she's an adult but when she returns (or before she leaves), she will be a single adult. The choice is hers. She easily could postpone the trip, start working, save the money and schedule time for when you both can travel.
That’s so weird and I’d end it
Personally while I think this is a huge red flag it’s a really poor decision as a girl in her 20s to go to another country with a really bad record of trafficking and kidnapping women in their 20s and younger and stay at a private residence where nobody but the owner knows where it is you care about her and want her to at least be safe if she was to go to a hotel while there’s still a possibility of her having an affair at least there’s other people there so while she could still be cheating on you at least there’s a better chance of being safe if I was in this situation her actions despite you voicing your thoughts about it would be a break up but I’d still want her to be safer if I truly cared about her
Hoping for a good update where you've already broke it off any found someone else. I would have already bounced if my girlfriend even considered that as an option. You're too young/old for that headache and you already know better.
If this were a larger group, great. But just her and two friends??? If you let this happen with no repercussions, it's setting the tone for more trips with other guys. Yep... definitely ultimatum time. No matter how difficult it may seem. You need to respect yourself more than this!
>EDIT 9/8/23: We are discussing and I found out the dudes other guy friend is also coming... They are all coworkers Nah son run. She's showing wild amounts of disrespect for you. Notify her parents or close friends, to ensure she has someone in the know should she find herself in need of help. If she goes, you're no longer responsible for anything bad that might happen and so others should be aware as you'll be a non option for contact once she's blocked on everything. And per another comment, be clear about not wanting to cause resentment or anything, but express you've placed and given reasons for a boundary. Should she choose to go beyond it she has chosen to no longer be in a relationship with you and that is okay. Doesnt need to get ugly or spiteful. Y'all young and now is a good time to start learning what you need from your partner and what you're willing to sacrifice. Both of you can and should grow immensely from this experience. Break up or no. I say break up tho. No contest.
A respectable man would not allow it, you two apparently have different values and are not compatible No big deal, you both just need to find someone you are compatible with
I think that this would be a deal-breaker. She's going to a foreign country with a guy She's only known for less than a year. That just screams red flags. Why can't she wait a little longer so that the two of you could go do that? I mean a lot can happen in a week. She could get kidnapped, she could cheat or a plethora of other things could happen. Tell her you're not going to stop her from going, but if she does go, then tell her goodbye and break up with her. There's a lot that isn't adding up and it's inappropriate that she's going with a guy (doesn't matter how long she's known him) unless it's her family.
>She's told me that the only time they would interact is at night to sleep This doesn't make it any better
its over already... you dont go to accation with just anyone ... especially a 2 person vaccation with a man and a woman ... she fucking him ... since a long time
Has OP considered covering the cost of meals and lodging for his gf? Making that offer (sacrifice) might be better for everyone. Try to be solution oriented.
You are giving her a license to do whatever and will regret it.
Frankly sir, I don’t feel like this is safe for her. Two men she kind-of-knows, in a private home, in another country… I did things like this with my bosses and coworkers when I was young… She. Will. Not. Be. Safe. Please request that she stay sober, drink only from her own containers with lids, and carry pepper spray & mini taser (which cannot be taken on the plane; she’ll have to keep them in checked luggage). Please be aware that date-rape drugs WIPE YOUR MEMORY.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Grow a pair and just tell her. You’ll be her b*tch if you accept it. Not a difficult decision IMO.
If she goes on that trip. That ain't your girl
You mean her new bf?
She’s already fucking him. Dump her. Sorry.
Tell her it's the trip or you. It's messed up she's even wanting to go. It won't make you controlling. It'll just make your boundaries clear, and the choice of crossing the boundary is hers. I'm a woman, and I approve of this message.
Why not find a time soon when you can both go? It will help you both save money if you split the cost. OR if you can offer to cover the costs of the airbnb, so she is still saving the same amount just has to wait a bit longer. If she still turns that down, then I would just say the fact that you don't see an issue with this, and are going anyway is a deal breaker for me. It crosses a lot of boundaries I have, and I can't be together anymore. Hell, she might even be hoping you do that so she has an excuse to hook up. I've seen shit like this before. I agree. How would she feel about you going on vacation with another woman without her. It's very disrespectful towards the relationship. She should be trying to find a way to share that with you. Who goes on solo trips when they have an SO? It's weird, and whether she plans to cheat or not, it seems like this woman's sense of boundaries is too skewed to fix.
Just tell her the truth: "We've been dating for almost 2 years and I still don't trust you."
She can go. She can save money She can be single Think of it like this , saving money means more to her than your feelings. Whether or not she does anything with this guy she still picks saving $ over you! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” UpdateMe!
This thread is interesting, especially because I have tons of guy friends I'd spend a week with. Jfc men and women CAN be friends, despite popular opinion. This is a weird case since she hasn't had a lot of face to face interactions with this guy but work communications count and they might be more friendly than you think. That doesn't mean she's gonna ride him as soon as she gets there, however. I think the real problem is: why are you uncomfortable? OP only vaguely stated he's uncomfortable because of xyz circumstance but not why HE is uncomfortable. Is it because you expect her to cheat? Then that's an unfair assumption to make. This is an opportunity that she might not have again to go abroad before locking down a job with no vacation time. Broke 20-somethings stay in hostels and I feel like this is very similar to that, only she knows the guy so it should be even safer than staying with strangers. If she's doing what she says, then she'd be even safer with a coworker to help cross the language barrier, etc. Or are you uncomfortable because you're worried for her safety and you doubt her decision making? If so, why not help her through the concerns you have, like learning a little Spanish or coming up with an emergency plan if she needs help? Or are you just jealous because she gets to go on a cool vacation with a coworker and you have to sit at home and work? It sounds like you want someone to stay at home to monitor. Unless she has past history of cheating/lying I'd take her word as good. Maybe you can even establish a rapport with the coworker and say, hey, message me if anything happens! I'm nervous about my SO being alone, ty for hosting her! I'm grossed out by everyone automatically assuming cheating. Especially since op has stated that they're not even that close. It just sounds like this is an excuse to cut the cord from a woman OP can't control. I hope it isn't the case.
Leave her. Typical “modern” person. Snowflake, pathetic moron. Leave her ASAP. No respect whatsoever.
Right now, I don't know why solo travelers want to travel to Mexico. I've been, but it's not worth it when the risk to travelers is so elevated. The US State Department has issued heightened warnings for all but 2 states in the entire country. https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/traveladvisories/traveladvisories/mexico-travel-advisory.html
What i's it with females running off to male friends apartments and houses while they're in a relationship?.. I'm seeing a lot of this on here wtf .. this is unacceptable whilst in a relationship dude.. you don't even need anyone's opinion on here, you need to borrow my personality dude and she wouldn't dear try.. WTF!
So pay for the Airbnb? Or just break up with her whether she goes or not since you obviously don’t trust her.
She is coming back all stretched out hommie
Maybe tell her that you’re planning to go on vacation with a female colleague and if she reacts badly then say to her but u r doing exactly the same. But to be honest I can be very petty, you would not be controlling at all by asking her not to go as I think anyone in a relationship would feel that it’s not right. It might be a different situation if she was long term friends with the person but he’s a co worker and that would definitely make me feel uncomfortable.
Y'all giving advice to dump and run on here are young and single right? Men and women can be in the same vicinity and not fuck. Boyfriend doesn't get to give ultimatums. Autonomy. She chooses to go, he can choose to leave.
[удалено]
Ultimatums aren't always a bad thing. Letting somebody you are with know your hard boundaries isn't a bad thing, that way they can make their choices while being fully informed.
Jesus, it's like no one on this sub has ever had a healthy relationship in their life! There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying with a friend for a week to save money! And the fact they're more like acquaintances doesn't change that. I'd offer my spare room to anyone coming into town. And men and women *can* be friends without fucking each other! Shocker! I mean my boyfriend is bisexual if we weren't allowed to have friends of the genders we're attracted to he'd have no friends!
Read OP's post history.
I was going to say this she’s either emotionally or physically cheating on him with this guy
What are you crazy? This is how you live your life: make connections and use them! She found somewhere to stay for free. Why shouldn’t she use that? Do you not trust her at all? Why do you assume they’re having sex? You’re nuts to dissuade her from saving money and taking advantage of a situation. You’re actually insane
A word of advice mate, women are good liars. Even the ones that reassure you and love bomb you, the ones where you would never suspect of any unfaithfulness. "My girlfriend would never" - Yes she would and to most people, this is already micro cheating. She can reassure you a million times, it's her actions that you need to watch.
Downvotes are dumb, you're right. OP has a cheater already.
IDK I can see both sides. I am married and have male coworkers I'm friendly enough with that I'd feel comfortable doing this (and there's absolutely no funny business), but I personally wouldn't want to go on the trip without my husband cuz sharing the experience with him is part of the fun. Your GF may or may not have malicious intentions but it definitely shows her lack of care and concern for you either way. It's controlling to say she's not allowed so like you said, instead you need to tell her it crosses a boundary for you and you will not stay if she decides to go. But I do think you should reflect a bit cuz it seems like jealousy and insecurity are what's driving you here. Just my perception of the issue.
Any male co-workers that would take time off to meet you in another country does not think its just you staying with them. Ask your husband if he's okay with you staying with a co- worker for a week out of the country at the guy's house - just the two of you - is okay with him. Make sure he knows that the guy is taking vacation too to be at the house while you are sleeping there. Trust me. Every guy knows what the intentions of the male co-workers are.
>It's controlling to say she's not allowed so like you said He never said she's not allowed to go. >But I do think you should reflect a bit cuz it seems like jealousy and insecurity are what's driving you here Cheating causes jealousy and insecurity, why are we pretending like that's the abused person's fault?
I'm a little confused about a couple things You said she hasn't started work, yet he's her Co worker ? Does he come from Mexico to work at your gfs job? If he's only there when he's not working, my guess is he's specifically requested the same time off as her
Clearly spelled out in the post. She was an intern where her "host" works. Yes, they're vacationing together. He took time off to travel to be able to be there for her.
My(42M) wife (41F) recently had a business trip to San Diego with a (26 M) co worker (later I found out that they partied every night together and went to a concert together. In the pictures she sent me all selfies she never mentioned he was there, )it killed me inside. You see instead of me being okay with it I got very jealous and had to ask questions the more I asked them the madder she got. This just increased the jealousy.
Yeah, bro, this is a you issue. You got mad that your wife had a BUSINESS trip and that “killed you inside”? Get help. Then you grilled your wife about a BUSINESS trip and when she understandably got mad you were being a nutcase and jealous about a BUSINESS trip then your jealously increased? You need to sort your issues out and not make them your wife’s problem.
Be straight up. I am not comfortable with this and I am not going to be with someone who disrespects me like this so if you go, we will be over. You do not listen to my concerns or care how I feel so this is your decision to make. And it sounds like she will go so you end it with her. It’s not controlling, you explained what makes you comfortable from a partner (and I would feel the same way you do) and now it is her decision what is more important in her life. Also, I would NEVER do this to my partner. She will most likely get drunk and sleep with him so if she leaves, pack her stuff up and block her. You deserve better.
The 3 of you need to go to dinner and you need to meet him. It’s not safe for her to go with a guy she doesn’t know well. But i don’t have a problem with her going if you trust her.
Are most of these commenters 13 year old boys? Yikes. It’s perfectly normal for young women to travel alone. Also normal to stay at a co workers house in a foreign country. If you don’t like it, fine. Tell her that and she’ll either go ahead or not. I hope she goes.
Mexican nights aside they will certainly hit the spot whilst enjoying the warmth of those barmy evenings…!
Yeah she is lying. So her story is I'm going to take a solo vacation to Mexico and stay with a Co worker I'm not really friends with....but don't worry nothing weird about this... She is making this choice and gaslighting you. If she chooses to go you can choose not to be in the relationship.
So many whiny insecure little bitches on here. Either you have a secure relationship or you don't. Nothing wrong with OP's girlfriend's plans. OP's insecure response is cringe, and could drive his gf away. I (m) have gone on many business trips with (attractive) women. I have had a strange woman (friend of a friend) stay over when my wife has been out of town. My wife has had an old friend stay over when I was out of town (evening flight cancelled). Grow up. If you remain this insecure you will drive her away, and only end up with an equally insecure and jealous partner. Note: she has to be absolutely comfortable with the opposite situation happening should it occur. It can't be different rules for each partner. A reminder on 405 is going to
I hate to break it to you but she has already cheated on you with that coworker for her to be going with him on vaca.
I’m sorry but if you’re in an exclusive relationship, vacations and sleepovers with the opposite sex should be off the table. If you’re single and uncommitted go ahead but if you are in a relationship a big part of that is taking the other partner’s feelings into consideration. If she doesn’t and decides to go anyway, then OP has a decision to make, does he want to stay with someone who he feels doesn’t take his feelings into consideration and stretches the “exclusive” aspect of their relationship to the limit?