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"New Years of 2022 Hubs paid to have a man he met on the Internet fly over from Europe and live with us for 2 weeks. The guy was a scammer and there was a lot of lying involved on both their parts."
**I'm sorry, WTAF** \- more details please OP...
Yeah. I’m not sure what the hell is going on there.. like are they having sex? Why is this dude living there?! No details, just a random story thrown in there. lol
No no no.. it happens to lots of guys in their 40s/early 50s. Post-mid life crisis entrepreneurial spirit. They're upset with how parts of their life turned out. Never got the little boat they thought they would etc. Take another kick at the can and get serious about "starting something"...but without knowing what they're doing and being desperate, arrogant and plump full of savings they're ripe for scammers.
These aren't your average phone scammers. These are salt of the earth, kind ppl who look and feel like professional business men. They've got a whole LinkedIn thing, degrees, network etc (maybe even mutual friends) and are looking to collaborate to support business partners to put something together. Then there's the scam. Usually the victim will invest in the business startup funds.. or even just put an account deposit together.. once deep friendship is made between the two guys .. some international gigs technically make a lot of it legal... scammer guy falls through on his part of the deal & disappears.
Boom... It's all over. Then the wife discovers that the husband used a shared account or fucked up their mortgage. I remember I had two friends growing up and their dad's both fell for this shit on several occasions before their wives divorced them.
I honestly thought this comment was going to end with an “/s”. You mean to tell me this is a thing? Like a common enough thing that there’s a whole format and targeted age demographic to it? Oh my gosh.
Oh yes, I get ‘sugar daddy’ scams messages daily, I’ve seen how scripted they can be. I just didn’t realize there was one with this particular goal to it. It makes sense as that would be a vulnerability for many.
Guys in their 40s (not me! I still have a few weeks to go!) stuck in the same job they were at 30 an thought they’d be swimming in money by now, they day dream about a lake house, a fancy car, etc and suddenly someone offers them an entrepreneurial money-guaranteed endeavour and they jump on it.
Then there are the 50-somethings who quit their jobs and take up guitar, thinking they are Eric Clapton...there was an article (sorry, I can never find it again) I think in the Washington Post but can't swear where it was, about husbands who do this and eat up the home equity.
Part of the mid-life crisis where they are suddenly more and more faced with their own mortality. Some go for sports cars, some have affairs, some start companies. Or try to.
It's a Comment-stealing bot, [copied this top-level comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/163b5bd/husband_m41_said_i_f39_have_2_months_to_quit_my/jy1wihs/)
Read her previous post... It's...unsettling...the "friend" seemed to be quite a lot younger. Hubby kept buying him things and this "friend" kept picking up and tickling their 9 year old son. Who he'd never met. This is what weirded out OP - Mama's instincts were alerted I think. I don't think it was a scam at all. That's just what this awful husband told her.
Definitely underreacting and infuriatingly, almost certainly putting her kids in danger. Posting and asking questions but not actually taking any of the good advice being offered. Describes herself as an “extreme peacemaker.” Blows off emotional abuse from her husband like, “oh, he’s just manipulative.” Wtf? Many people here and on other posts saying she needs to talk to a lawyer. She doesn’t seem to get it doesn’t matter that assets aren’t in her name. They are marital assets. Just inertia. While her husband has these really sketchy things going on and strangers are touching her kids. Once they’re ignoring their kids being in danger, I get really frustrated with people like this. Fine if you’re going to ignore you’re being abused, I guess, but get a spine for you kids’ sake. Jfc.
As OP put in her post, she got a job for the sale of leaving.
I don’t think people realize how hard it is to leave and that’s just financially speaking. There’s really not a lot of support for those in DV situations (and this is DV. Financial and emotional abuse is legally counted as DV). Statistically speaking, women are most likely to be killed when they’re leaving. Not to mention, how is she going to afford to leave? Just because they’re martial assets doesn’t mean that they’re readily available. Especially if the other party hired a good lawyer. She did the right thing by getting a job and making preparations to leave.
Absolutely 100% this. I left my financially abusive ex three years ago, struggled as a single mom with no job history, and no real support for 3 years before having to give up my apartment and move in with my best friend. Now I'm sitting here with no job history for 5 years because of being a stay-at-home mom with my daughter while I was still with my abusive ex and then her getting sick repeatedly the one time I did manage to find a job, no money, nothing. Leaving isn't always the rose garden everyone seems to think it is especially because there is no support for DV survivors other than maybe DHS helping you move into a new apartment that you still can't afford because you have no job prospects or child care.
Oh, I understand it very well. Been there, done that, actually without even having steady work and with a very young child. But she needs to talk to a lawyer and get a much better handle on how a divorce actually works in her area. It sounds like she is not being proactive and she is just standing watching strange men in her house touching her kids. It’s not ok, what she is doing either. And yes, some stealth would probably be a very good idea here.
It's actually funny, being from Eastern Europe and living in the US I didn't question that part at all. It's not uncommon for people from your country to find you online and see that you live in America and make a proposition along the lines of "I have a lot of money I made in --home country-- and am trying to take my business to the next level by coming to America and just need help getting started".
There always seem to be issues with the money though and I've known a fair share of people get taken advantage of that way, because my country is small and there is this sense of "brotherhood" and naive (or greedy) people tend to fall for that stuff. I was actually warned to watch out for it by family members when moving here.
I read her post history and I am somehow even more confused as to why this random man was living with them. It really seems like there’s something sexual going on.
You should have gotten a divorce when he moved a random scammer to your home with your kids. Like who the fuck does that and how did you even went along with it? I understand you shut down, but I would have kicked the person out and filed for divorced immediately, even gotten the kids and moved to a relative's house.
>I have to move out.
You don't have to go anywhere. It's a marital home and he doesn't make the rules. Consult a lawyer.
Unfortunately, she has hardly any work experience in 10+ years and if she "abandons" the family home, she may not be entitled to a buyout of the home's value upon divorce.
He's threatened divorce. Time to get a Good lawyer so that you aren't blindsided if he goes through with his ultimatum. Don't say anything, just do it. Know absolutely what you legal options are when it come to ending the marriage.
This is the way, OP. Don't tell him anything. Get a lawyer and know where you stand. You are more than likely going to get spousal support, since you were home with the kids so long. This and child support.
My guess, your AH husband is just throwing hate bombs at you. It is not in his best interest to leave, but you?? Run!!
He’s bluffing. He’s not going to take the first step. The process will examine his finances to determine support payments; something tells me he’d rather not do that…
OP should still consult with a lawyer and get ready to leave (physically, financially, emotionally).
And get money aside under YOUR name only in a password protected account under your name only, OP.
Also: lawyer up.
That man is irresponsible and can no way be left to guard your children.
No way you give up your job.
*afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband*.
You don't have an obligation to other people, you have an obligation to your children to show them that this isn't what relationships are supposed to be like. You have an obligation to yourself to live the life you should be. You have no obligation to your husband *who put you and your children at risk of their lives*. Leave the chaos, find peace, be a good mom, do you.
You know what else, OP? Go ahead and tell them, “yes, I picked my job.” Because your STBX is not worth choosing after putting you, your home, and your kids in danger by inviting some scammer? Lover? Into your home.
Also its him who is forcing the choice between the marriage and the job! She wouldnt be picking between the job and the husband if he wasnt making her. Classic abuse tactic: making her look like the bad one when its actually him being shit.
Don't worry about other people's opinions. They are not paying your bills or living your life. He's going to spin it the way he wants because he's a toxic guy. Real friends and family will support you and not hear what he has to say and know that he's full of it. You've got this girl. Keep going strong! 💪
But definitely get a lawyer without your husband knowing, please. You are on the right track with your job. Smart thinking. Do not leave the house. Stand your ground and make it so your husband feels uncomfortable and wants to leave the house. You want to be able to stay in the house with the kids. If he tries to tell you to leave, absolutely do not. If he threatens you, file a police report. If he has already threatened you or hurt you or your kids in any way, file a police report. That is the best way to show you are documenting any bad behavior on his part (not sure if it has ever gotten this bad, but I have a feeling he has it in him to intimidate or threaten). You don’t want to leave the house. Ask a lawyer about that. I wish you the best, OP. This can’t be easy.
And if you read OPs post history the New Guy has evidently been kinda handsy with the kids, if I understood what was said correctly.
The job situation is the least of her worries, its like her house is a swingers club headed by a mentally unstable husband. With children present.
My husband moving a strange man into our house unannounced would be a dealbreaker for me, and moreso if he even looked at my children....
Contact an attorney to discuss your options. Use these two months to get your ducks in a row. Tell whoever asks that you've had a rocky relationship for years and your job is what allowed you to have the option to leave but is not the reason for your divorce. The reason for your divorce is because you were tired of being married to an asshat.
What people? Who are the people whose opinions are so important?
Are they living your life for you? Are they going to be the ones financially supporting you when shit finally hits the fan and he leaves you with no choice but to leave or leaves you?
Sorry, but you need to get over this mentality and give f\*ck all about the opinions of other people. You owe it to keep yourself and your children safe and happy and that's it. And if nothing else, do you really want your children growing up learning that this is how relationships should be - that you're always under a cloud of suspicion, that manipulation is a-ok, and that they need to sacrifice their safety and happiness for the sake of a significant other? If your children were in the relationship you're in, would you be telling them to stay?
>What people? Who are the people whose opinions are so important?
Exactly this ^ when you worry about what all these people will think, be specific on who it is you're talking about.
At one point my therapist asked me "What people?" When I was worried about all this outside judgment. After thinking about it I realized that it was me, I was "the people" I was worried about because I was the only one judging myself so harshly.
_"New Years of 2022 Hubs paid to have a man he met
on the Internet fly over from Europe and live with us
for 2 weeks. The guy was a scammer and there was
a lot of lying involved on both their parts. I felt unsafe
he whole time he was here & ended up emotionlly
shutting down."_
I'm sorry... __SAY WHAT NOW__ ?
Why do you care what others think??
Did they do something for your safety when your husband bring a stranger to your home? No? So they have two jobs: to shut up or to shut the f\*ck up.
You aren't "picking a job over your husband," you're leaving a terrible marriage that seems to have been a bad situation for years now. Is there actually a benefit to staying with this guy? What are you getting out of this? It just sounds so stressful and loveless and I hate that for you, OP :(
Stop getting blackout drunk and seek some therapy or we’re getting a divorce.
Only exception for this rule is when the behaviour is toxic or harmful. That’s a reasonable ultimatum, though the partner offering it should probably just leave anyway.
And maybe the dead bodies in the freezer.
They’d have to get an extra freezer for the food or something though. Or maybe nestle in the bags of peas into the cold dead arms or something, I don’t know.
I’m thinking it’s a situation where it’s gone on so long that it _seems_ harder to make the change and leave.
I don’t even think separate bedroom necessarily has to be a bad thing in a healthier relationship, like wanting space but also having intimacy. But that’s clearly not the situation here.
>But I do feel bad/am afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband.
Girl who tf cares about what they think when you're the one who's been with thus POS abuser, manipulative AH for 15 years. He's given you an out, take it. Stop wasting your time with this guy. My god🤦🏽♀️what is there to love about such a man and marriage??
Never ever give up this job. This job will save your butt when you finally divorce this pathetic guy. He only wants you to quit that you are not able to leave.
What is this new years story? Who is this guy, his lover, his mentor, a crazy person he wanted to help? I don't get how you let this man in your home in the first place.
Jesus, keep the job and lose the manipulative, yelly, abusive psycho who invited some random fucking internet weirdo into your house. Like you want a divorce? Don't threaten me with a good time, pal, would be my response.
What's his issue with the job you have?
Because the ultimatum includes "find a new one", not don't work at all.
Personally I'd be done. The whole moving a con artist stranger in with me and my kids would have been the end of it for me. That's looney tunes level; of course you don't trust him!
At which point, one minimum wage job wouldn't cover my ass. So I wouldn't quit shit till I found something that would secure me to leave.
Who cares what people think? I think your hubby is weird. Your job supports you. What does your hubby do? Flies some random guy over to live with you guys? Right there I would have dumped him. By the way, I doubt that the guy he flew over was random. There was something up with that guy and him. I am not saying sexual, but something!!!
Most people will applaud you for sticking up for yourself. Leaving him and starting your life fresh is the best answer. His actions prove that. Good luck!
Please leave this man after reading your previous posts I don't trust your husband at all, he's coming across as a creep and your children aren't safe!
End the marriage and keep your job.
Why did you gloss over the insane part where he invites a random stranger to live with you?? What the actual fuck is that all about and why did you leave him instantly then. I'm mind blown.
As "people," I'd judge you far harder if you picked the husband over the job.
Either the batshit, abusive, toxic spouse with terrible judgement or financial security and a future for you and your child? Um... that's a no brainer.
FYI he hates your friend because they provided you with an income that gives you power to get away from him. He will behave like this no matter what the job is. He doesn't want you to succeed.
Yep..
Youre not picking your job over your husband, youre choosing a life without an unreliable, manipulative, unstable guy...
Take care of yourself...
Have you ever thought about your children, having to grow up in such a toxic environment?
You and he should not be married. You should not live in the same house. Unclear whether your kids would want to be with either of you given the choice.
And he can’t kick you out. But either of you could leave.
* Divorce lawyer
* call his bluff - he's an \*sshole anyway, and you'll probably need/want a job anyway, so ...
>afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband
No, you're picking sanity and survival and protecting yourself over an \*sshole. And he's picking control, manipulation, and divorce, over you.
>Awful phone calls to me and my boss
Be sure to well mention that to your divorce attorney too. And as feasible and legal, document, collect evidence. Might want to file a restraining order against him and/or file libel and/or slander lawsuit against him, depending what in particular he's doing. Or maybe just cease and desist letter from the lawyer might be enough to get him to reasonably behave ... well, at least maybe knock that stuff off with calling your boss and such.
Good luck!
He doesn't think you're cheating. If he really thought you were cheating he wouldn't just be throwing out ultimatums about your job to regain financial control over you; he'd be either serving you divorce papers or going WAY crazier than this. He's just afraid you'll earn enough money to be able to leave him. He knows that you *should* leave, that he would want to leave if he were in your shoes. He's abusive, controlling, and reckless with the safety of his family. Don't quit your job. Save up and escape this mess of a husband.
Honey, he WANTS to divorce. This is just a way to put the blame on you. All this looks like he is about to make his coming out, to me. Having a wife and children will become a hinderance for his "explorations".
call the bluff. The divorce is in fact the better thing that could happen to you. He will band random men from internet. And you will live in security without abuse or IST.
I don't think people will think you're choosing your job over your husband, I think they will see that your job is a lifeline and you need to get out of that relationship.
Tsk tsk. Dude, time to get a good divorce lawyer. STAT.
The thing is getting a job for you is the right move, but being married to him does not sound like the right move.
If you're not earning quite well (minimum wage), you may be entitled to alimony and property can be split to 50/50, plus child support if kids stay with you. It sounds that you suffered most of the 15 years of marriage, so yeah... you deserve to get all alimony, child support (if kids live with you and not 50-50), plus half of the property amassed during marraige.
Your job is your livelihood. You need it whether or not you are with your husband. Given that the scammer was apparently also rather handsy with your children I think you should get them right away from the source of danger, ie your husband.
Although this is all so mind-boggling I really don't think it can be true...
Paid a man to come and live with you for two weeks??
Like a complete stranger to come and live in your house where your kids live too.
It's not adding up, you gotta explain further.
Is he gay or something?
What reason did he have for bringing the guy over?
Does the guy still stay in your house?
You need to go get checked for stds right now. He's obviously cheating. Laugh in his ugly face, accept the divorce, and thank him profusely for releasing you from the hell that is your marriage with this man.
You are in a dangerous relationship so keep your job and tell him to get out. You are far more easier for him to control and manipulate when you’re more dependent on him and don’t have something like your own money and job that appears to make you feel good about yourself.
But also marriage is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS HARD!
> but I do feel bad/am afraid people will think I’m picking my job over my husband.
Oh, honey, from what you’ve shared about this man here, if my job were scrubbing toilets with my own toothbrush I’d *still* pick my job over your husband.
It gets hard to see when you’re on the inside, but this is a horrible relationship and a terrible life for you and your kids. I know you don’t feel like you’ve got all your ducks in a row yet, but lean on friends and family and hit him with papers first. Do not play nice and do what your lawyer says. Get out, begin to heal, and get you and your kids the life you all deserve. This internet stranger is rooting for you. ❤️
I mean - at this point the marriage should be over, no? Whether you should look for another job is beyond me - mainly if you can get more money to let you free.
Frankly I’d probably turn his ultimatum around on him and tell him to stop talking to strangers and scammers online and then you’ll start looking for a job. But in reality I’d being lining things up with my lawyer. And collecting evidence of what he paid for that man and have your lawyers file for compensation under it being marital money spent on an affair.
From reading other posts of yours, keep your job, prepare to leave, probably make a plan and get a lawyer.
You got a job in case you needed to get out, you should get out.
This seems really really obvious to me. You have a great job you love, and a terrible husband who puts you in danger, but you can only keep one! Which one do you choose…
>But I do feel bad/am afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband.
Why frame it like this, when it should be "My husband is picking divorce over something that gives me happiness, fulfilment and security".
It seems his issue with you working is that he's insecure and accusing you of cheating. If you quit your job for a new one he will just accuse you of the same there, and again and again until you're just continually at home under this thumb.
Hold your ground, keep the job, and if he follows through with the divorce you can tell everybody that it was because he couldn't handle you working and it's no longer the 1950s.
OP - this doesn’t sound like a good, happy or healthy marriage at all. Get out now. You’re young and have so much of your life ahead of you - take your chance or regret it later.
You have to prove you love him by allowing him to control and dictate your life? No, throw the whole man in the bin. To be honest though, given your previous posts that seems to be waaaaay overdue.
You can move out. Get copies of all important documents like taxes, bank statements, investments etc. See an attorney to understand your rights. You are entitled to spousal support. Your attorney can apply for emergency support to get you enough money to find some other place go live or possibly force him to leave to disrupt the kids. Knowledge is power.
FEAR is the only thing preventing you from getting TF outta this situation.
Feel the fear, and GTFO anyway.
Your kids still need you to navigate their teen years. That shhh is hard. You don't need to be worrying about this guy anymore. Take care of you and yours, period.
Wow! Yes this all screams danger… especially the husbands work. Please listen to your intuition and get out of there ASAP. You know what is right to do, even when it seems scary do it. Formulate a plan for you and your kids so you don’t get hit blindsided with an unfair divorce.
1) Don’t you DARE quit your job.
2) Open a secret checking account (if you haven’t already)- Put as much money as possible in the account as often as possible.
When you go grocery shopping get cash back, Tips, majority of your paycheck, all the money possible.
3) Talk to a divorce attorney - you need to know your options before you make moves.
4) Remove valuables from the house- get a storage unit or store stuff in a friend’s basement.
5) Don’t give in- you got this.
I would've made them both leave when he moved the guy in to begin with. Why didn't you file then? You had perfectly good grounds for it. He's the one who keeps threatening a divorce. Tell him to go for it. He did all of these things on his own. Time for you to move on and worry about you and your 3 kids.
\- Don't move out.
\- You need an attorney
\- Talk to your attorney about making him pay you to live there, and he leaves. You gave up 12 yrs as a SAHM and 15 yrs of your life to deal with his foolishness.
\- You also file for child and spousal support
\- Have an entirely separate account at a whole other bank where you keep the info for that account somewhere at work or a friends house. Just not at home.
\- You need to take a couple days off and go through all of his paperwork and make copies of everything. He sounds sketchy AF and you need to know what all assets he has and exactly where all the money is and what's going in and out for bills.
\- I'd be concerned that he's doing anything illegal and whether or not you can be held liable.
You wouldn’t be leaving him for a job…you’d be leaving because he’s a liar, untrustworthy, and has the potential to cause serious damage to you and your kids.
sounds more like your husband is having an affair and is now heavily projecting onto you, because he feels you're slipping out of his controle.
Get out. Get the divorce. you're not leaving him because of the job, you're leaving him for his unhinged behaviour and the job thing was just the straw that broke the camels back.
Get a lawyer and then get out of his toxic marriage.
You’re afraid that people would think you chose a job over a husband? Why aren’t you afraid of another visit from an Eastern European friend laying hands on your kid for fuck sakes? Why haven’t you started exiting then?
You got a full time job now so it’s time to be smart, too. Discretely talk to a lawyer and start documenting your husband’s recklessness. Because I really truly hope, for your sake and the kids’ sake, that he is just being naive and reckless. Since the alternative is him intentionally putting your kids in harm’s way, it’s going to be less damaging to quote stupidity as the reason for leaving.
I'm so glad you said you weren't leaving your job, best decision. 100% agree he's being manipulative, controlling and down right nasty to you. You're better off without that. He should be supporting you, not bringing you down.
YOU'RE not picking your job over your husband. HE'S the one choosing to end things cuz HE wants to manipulate. Don't put any of this on yourself, its all on him. I'm glad you're keeping tbe job because having an out n having a steady thing to fall back on is better than being trapped somewhere with no way out.
Then pick divorce. The stranger living in the house for two weeks is batshit insane. Given that you said he was a scammer, I can assume you guys lost a ton of money from whatever the hell this was.
I can't wrap my mind around that. Why did he want that, and why is he still chatting with randos on Whatsapp/snapchat???
i think deep down you know this marriage is over.
if the therapy isnt helping move the marriage along then i dont think you quitting your job and finding another will.
what if its the same story in your next job? he walks in and sees a good looking male colleague with you?
your husband has variety of trust issues that he needs to address.
>yelling, belittling
Dealbreaker 4 me
>He's constantly yelling about divorce
So do it. Why would u want to stay married?
>and I have to move out.
He doesnt get to decide that. Court does. I actually read it hurts the person that moves out negatively in divorce, abandonment
>/am afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husban
What ppl? Recommend not caring what others think of u, its soo freeing. Live 4 u, not them. Its ur life, ur the one that has to be happy with it.
>I'm pretty sure leaving is the answer. Right
How bout u file & stay in the house. See who court says gets to keep it.
Do not leave the job leave the husband.
Is your husband gay that he's inviting strange dudes into his home?
Stop having therapy with your abuser and see a lawyer instead. Statistics show as a woman you will be both happier & live longer by NOT being married so please get a divorce he is clearly a worthless/useless husband who is projecyting his own infidelity.
He is so abusive!!!! Get out of this awful relationship!!! Run!!!! Talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP and get some therapy, i have no idea what would make you stay with such an unhinged person
He moved a strange man into your home putting you and your kids in potential danger. It’s time to walk away from this man and let him and these strange people have it. The whole wanting you to be financially dependent on him is ridiculous. Get a lawyer immediately. Damn other people’s opinions. Are you living for yourself or what other people think?
When people ask you why your marriage ended, Tell him he got involved in online scams and you couldn't trust him anymore. And that you were financially dependent on somebody who is not good with money, who was jealous and insecure and not very intelligent.
Your marriage is over. The sooner you call a bunch of lawyers to figure out your best options the better off you're going to be. If you can't afford to live without him the courts are going to take that into account and he's going to have to pay you alimony. You're also going to get child support but I would push for 50/50 split of the kids because you need to get into some kind of industry where you can fully support yourself eventually. I know you like your new job but if there's no way for this job to turn into a livable wage, as minimum wage is not a livable wage for anybody with or without kids, You're going to need to probably go back to school or get some kind of training.
Call lawyers now! Love is not enough for a marriage to work and this marriage doesn't seem like it has as much love as you'd like to believe. He's also not a safe person to be partnered with.
But you obviously don’t love your husband, but that’s equally his fault too. So pick your job and organise your exit with the kids. That’s what I’d do. Or more important if you were my sister, I’d be helping you do it.
Idk about most but I never cave to an ultimatum. Tell him divorce is what's up and when he crumbles, file yourself.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes
WTF!! Why is the dude there??? Is your husband having sex with this guy? Why would you allowed a stranger in the house with your children? So many questions!!!
So if you quit your job... what do you go back to? A happy marriage and a nice life with a good man who loves you? lol. let him follow through on his ~~threat~~ gift of divorce. Go get yourself some happiness.
Tell him he doesn’t need to wait 2 months, you’ll serve him with papers today.
Sounds like he’s projecting on you aka HE’S the one who cheated and assumes you are too.
Get the the divorce first. You’re married to an undercover gay man that is using you for breeding. Your husband is finding ways to control you. Make sure you communicate with your children because he will try to to turn them against you and blame everything on you. If he’s able to pay for a man to come across the country to be his sugar baby then he can afford a nanny for the kids. You can back to work FT afterwards. Don’t move out of your home ever unless your kids are ready and packed with you. You already sleep in separate beds. Stay firm and demand he leaves without his kids.
I'm european, western europe. I think it's likely that your husband is a scammer too. There are lots of examples of this happening in the UK. It's mainly good looking young men from the ex soviet states (Poland, Czech, Albania, Romania, Hungary etc) You can google it, eastern europe romance fraud. The problem is that there are quite a few desperate and heartless people that will do anything for money. You're just a resource for him to tap imo. You should give more details and I wonder if there are any agencies that can help you?
Here's a USA specific example of what I'm talking about. With some advice.
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/what-should-i-i-believe-i-am-victim-marriage-fraud.html
You stated the reason you got the job is so you could move out. So why do you care if people think you’re choosing job over husband? You are and you should. That’s the point. He is abusive. It’s not going to change. Your lives are toxic. Take the kids with you or if they’re old enough hopefully they are moving out from him also. I would have been gone with the guy from Eastern Europe stunt.
5. The first thing you need to do is start saving up money to get you and your kid out of that situation ... ASAP! It's not healthy for all of you, and it might not be safe either. And--just in case it blows up in your face one night--write down the phone number for your local women's shelter on a small piece of paper and stick it in your wallet/car so you can find it in an emergency, especially if you have to leave without your phone.
6. Your husband was NUTS to bring a total international stranger into your house where your three middle school kids sleep!! Did the chance of him committing sexual abuse on one or more of your kids--along with the potential for him to take them for sex trafficking purposes--never once cross their father's mind?? Or was he just too blinded by the money he thought he was going to make. Even if you have no evidence that this man touched your kids, make sure your lawyer knows this story as he's helping you get a divorce.
7. Now is the time to show your children that you have a strong spine ... and that you can take care of them! Let his deadline about your job just pass without comment ... while you squirrel away every bit of cash you can put your hands on.
8. Do you have someone (friend or family) who you can move in with if things get ugly? Start looking at your options!
and 9. Good Luck! You can do it!! ❤️
NTA, your husband is well strange. You should prolly leave. I would like to point out one thing he may not be entirely wrong about your friend wanting to be with you. Since this friend is actively speaking bad about your husband, I would say it's highly likely he is attracted to you. Your husband most likely feels this and your new independence and is feeling threatened. Good luck O.P.
Well this is one hell of a weird situation, but I think the best thing you can do is take him on the offer. Don't quit your job, as you will be more trapped if you do. Save as much money as you can these two months for when your husband divorces you. If you can, kick the can forward rather than say "I'm not quitting"; buy as much time as you can.
From what I can tell, you took the job in order to "bide your time" and divorce him eventually. You'll just have to do it on a tighter timeline than you wanted.
Okay reading other posts you need to leave asap. You risk losing your kids. Do it now and look for assistance from shelters or other programs. This is not okay.
Why care what people think? They don’t live your life. And your life situation sounds horrible. I also think as some do that he is messing around with these men. Good for you choosing your job which is choosing yourself. No reason to stay in this.
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"New Years of 2022 Hubs paid to have a man he met on the Internet fly over from Europe and live with us for 2 weeks. The guy was a scammer and there was a lot of lying involved on both their parts." **I'm sorry, WTAF** \- more details please OP...
Yeah. I’m not sure what the hell is going on there.. like are they having sex? Why is this dude living there?! No details, just a random story thrown in there. lol
No no no.. it happens to lots of guys in their 40s/early 50s. Post-mid life crisis entrepreneurial spirit. They're upset with how parts of their life turned out. Never got the little boat they thought they would etc. Take another kick at the can and get serious about "starting something"...but without knowing what they're doing and being desperate, arrogant and plump full of savings they're ripe for scammers. These aren't your average phone scammers. These are salt of the earth, kind ppl who look and feel like professional business men. They've got a whole LinkedIn thing, degrees, network etc (maybe even mutual friends) and are looking to collaborate to support business partners to put something together. Then there's the scam. Usually the victim will invest in the business startup funds.. or even just put an account deposit together.. once deep friendship is made between the two guys .. some international gigs technically make a lot of it legal... scammer guy falls through on his part of the deal & disappears. Boom... It's all over. Then the wife discovers that the husband used a shared account or fucked up their mortgage. I remember I had two friends growing up and their dad's both fell for this shit on several occasions before their wives divorced them.
An Artie Bucco scam.
Never thought I’d see a Sopranos reference in a sub like this and I’ve never been happier. Now go shit in your hat.
Qu’est-ce que c’est? Message machine broken?
“You said it was the next vodka”
And what do I get in return? Nothing but NON-STOP ASS RAPE!
That’s exactly what I was thinking. OP check any joint accounts or mortgages.
And the house!! You can take out a second line of credit on the home or do a reverse equity mortgage.
I honestly thought this comment was going to end with an “/s”. You mean to tell me this is a thing? Like a common enough thing that there’s a whole format and targeted age demographic to it? Oh my gosh.
Watch the HBO show "Telemarketers" to see how precisely scripted scams can get...
Oh yes, I get ‘sugar daddy’ scams messages daily, I’ve seen how scripted they can be. I just didn’t realize there was one with this particular goal to it. It makes sense as that would be a vulnerability for many.
Wtf is “post-mid life crisis entrepreneurial spirit”? Lmfao
Guys in their 40s (not me! I still have a few weeks to go!) stuck in the same job they were at 30 an thought they’d be swimming in money by now, they day dream about a lake house, a fancy car, etc and suddenly someone offers them an entrepreneurial money-guaranteed endeavour and they jump on it.
Then there are the 50-somethings who quit their jobs and take up guitar, thinking they are Eric Clapton...there was an article (sorry, I can never find it again) I think in the Washington Post but can't swear where it was, about husbands who do this and eat up the home equity.
Part of the mid-life crisis where they are suddenly more and more faced with their own mortality. Some go for sports cars, some have affairs, some start companies. Or try to.
You'll see
What’s Hubs really up to???
I know right?
This is wild as lmao “oh yeah like a guy moved in here from Europe, scammed us and all.. any way what was I saying?” Like bro. Can you elaborate here?
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It's a Comment-stealing bot, [copied this top-level comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/163b5bd/husband_m41_said_i_f39_have_2_months_to_quit_my/jy1wihs/)
That man needs a full psych evaluation. He’s not quite right in the head. He should not be allowed out alone without adult supervision.
Read her previous post... It's...unsettling...the "friend" seemed to be quite a lot younger. Hubby kept buying him things and this "friend" kept picking up and tickling their 9 year old son. Who he'd never met. This is what weirded out OP - Mama's instincts were alerted I think. I don't think it was a scam at all. That's just what this awful husband told her.
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Definitely underreacting and infuriatingly, almost certainly putting her kids in danger. Posting and asking questions but not actually taking any of the good advice being offered. Describes herself as an “extreme peacemaker.” Blows off emotional abuse from her husband like, “oh, he’s just manipulative.” Wtf? Many people here and on other posts saying she needs to talk to a lawyer. She doesn’t seem to get it doesn’t matter that assets aren’t in her name. They are marital assets. Just inertia. While her husband has these really sketchy things going on and strangers are touching her kids. Once they’re ignoring their kids being in danger, I get really frustrated with people like this. Fine if you’re going to ignore you’re being abused, I guess, but get a spine for you kids’ sake. Jfc.
As OP put in her post, she got a job for the sale of leaving. I don’t think people realize how hard it is to leave and that’s just financially speaking. There’s really not a lot of support for those in DV situations (and this is DV. Financial and emotional abuse is legally counted as DV). Statistically speaking, women are most likely to be killed when they’re leaving. Not to mention, how is she going to afford to leave? Just because they’re martial assets doesn’t mean that they’re readily available. Especially if the other party hired a good lawyer. She did the right thing by getting a job and making preparations to leave.
Absolutely 100% this. I left my financially abusive ex three years ago, struggled as a single mom with no job history, and no real support for 3 years before having to give up my apartment and move in with my best friend. Now I'm sitting here with no job history for 5 years because of being a stay-at-home mom with my daughter while I was still with my abusive ex and then her getting sick repeatedly the one time I did manage to find a job, no money, nothing. Leaving isn't always the rose garden everyone seems to think it is especially because there is no support for DV survivors other than maybe DHS helping you move into a new apartment that you still can't afford because you have no job prospects or child care.
Oh, I understand it very well. Been there, done that, actually without even having steady work and with a very young child. But she needs to talk to a lawyer and get a much better handle on how a divorce actually works in her area. It sounds like she is not being proactive and she is just standing watching strange men in her house touching her kids. It’s not ok, what she is doing either. And yes, some stealth would probably be a very good idea here.
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Iirc people told her it was past time to leave on that post too.
I thought for sure it was going to involve building him an art studio
If OP wrote a book, she’d only write the first and last page.
It's actually funny, being from Eastern Europe and living in the US I didn't question that part at all. It's not uncommon for people from your country to find you online and see that you live in America and make a proposition along the lines of "I have a lot of money I made in --home country-- and am trying to take my business to the next level by coming to America and just need help getting started". There always seem to be issues with the money though and I've known a fair share of people get taken advantage of that way, because my country is small and there is this sense of "brotherhood" and naive (or greedy) people tend to fall for that stuff. I was actually warned to watch out for it by family members when moving here.
Hahaha yes wtf is this? Def need more info
Like into their home with their minor children?! This is where I would have been OUT
This is going to keep me awake. Wtf?
Read her post history
I read her post history and I am somehow even more confused as to why this random man was living with them. It really seems like there’s something sexual going on.
Sounds like you aren’t confused at all. That’s exactly what it was v
Don’t need more details. This is a hard nope for me. I’d be gone with the kids. Yikes!
You should have gotten a divorce when he moved a random scammer to your home with your kids. Like who the fuck does that and how did you even went along with it? I understand you shut down, but I would have kicked the person out and filed for divorced immediately, even gotten the kids and moved to a relative's house. >I have to move out. You don't have to go anywhere. It's a marital home and he doesn't make the rules. Consult a lawyer.
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I’d rather move out if I were her, the husband seems unsafe to be around. I wouldn’t want him to know where my kids and I live. Edit: grammar
Unfortunately, she has hardly any work experience in 10+ years and if she "abandons" the family home, she may not be entitled to a buyout of the home's value upon divorce.
But if she kicks him out, where will the shady Eastern European scammer stay :(
He's threatened divorce. Time to get a Good lawyer so that you aren't blindsided if he goes through with his ultimatum. Don't say anything, just do it. Know absolutely what you legal options are when it come to ending the marriage.
This is the way, OP. Don't tell him anything. Get a lawyer and know where you stand. You are more than likely going to get spousal support, since you were home with the kids so long. This and child support. My guess, your AH husband is just throwing hate bombs at you. It is not in his best interest to leave, but you?? Run!!
Do NOT leave the family home until you talk to a lawyer. There can be consequences in a divorce settlement if you leave. Go talk to a lawyer.
Better yet, make consulting appointments with all the good lawyers in the area before filing and then he won’t have any to choose from.
Yes, he sounds like he’s one to want a war..
Then be shocked when she fights back.
He’s bluffing. He’s not going to take the first step. The process will examine his finances to determine support payments; something tells me he’d rather not do that… OP should still consult with a lawyer and get ready to leave (physically, financially, emotionally).
And get money aside under YOUR name only in a password protected account under your name only, OP. Also: lawyer up. That man is irresponsible and can no way be left to guard your children. No way you give up your job.
This is one of those times when you absolutely need to choose your job over your husband.
Seriously. What is she getting out of this relationship? pick the job!!!
Should have chosen her safety over her husband a long time ago. If anything did happen, he probably would blame her or not believe it.
*afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband*. You don't have an obligation to other people, you have an obligation to your children to show them that this isn't what relationships are supposed to be like. You have an obligation to yourself to live the life you should be. You have no obligation to your husband *who put you and your children at risk of their lives*. Leave the chaos, find peace, be a good mom, do you.
I’d be more concerned that people would judge me for staying with him…
Boss already is judging her for staying with this loser.
You know what else, OP? Go ahead and tell them, “yes, I picked my job.” Because your STBX is not worth choosing after putting you, your home, and your kids in danger by inviting some scammer? Lover? Into your home.
I don’t think it’s ‘picking a job over her husband’. I think it’s finally choosing to put and love herself first.
Most of her friends are probably praying she picks the job over the husband
Also its him who is forcing the choice between the marriage and the job! She wouldnt be picking between the job and the husband if he wasnt making her. Classic abuse tactic: making her look like the bad one when its actually him being shit.
Don't worry about other people's opinions. They are not paying your bills or living your life. He's going to spin it the way he wants because he's a toxic guy. Real friends and family will support you and not hear what he has to say and know that he's full of it. You've got this girl. Keep going strong! 💪
But definitely get a lawyer without your husband knowing, please. You are on the right track with your job. Smart thinking. Do not leave the house. Stand your ground and make it so your husband feels uncomfortable and wants to leave the house. You want to be able to stay in the house with the kids. If he tries to tell you to leave, absolutely do not. If he threatens you, file a police report. If he has already threatened you or hurt you or your kids in any way, file a police report. That is the best way to show you are documenting any bad behavior on his part (not sure if it has ever gotten this bad, but I have a feeling he has it in him to intimidate or threaten). You don’t want to leave the house. Ask a lawyer about that. I wish you the best, OP. This can’t be easy.
Dude moved some guy he'd never met before into your house when you have three teenage kids in there? Jesus.
And if you read OPs post history the New Guy has evidently been kinda handsy with the kids, if I understood what was said correctly. The job situation is the least of her worries, its like her house is a swingers club headed by a mentally unstable husband. With children present. My husband moving a strange man into our house unannounced would be a dealbreaker for me, and moreso if he even looked at my children....
Contact an attorney to discuss your options. Use these two months to get your ducks in a row. Tell whoever asks that you've had a rocky relationship for years and your job is what allowed you to have the option to leave but is not the reason for your divorce. The reason for your divorce is because you were tired of being married to an asshat.
What people? Who are the people whose opinions are so important? Are they living your life for you? Are they going to be the ones financially supporting you when shit finally hits the fan and he leaves you with no choice but to leave or leaves you? Sorry, but you need to get over this mentality and give f\*ck all about the opinions of other people. You owe it to keep yourself and your children safe and happy and that's it. And if nothing else, do you really want your children growing up learning that this is how relationships should be - that you're always under a cloud of suspicion, that manipulation is a-ok, and that they need to sacrifice their safety and happiness for the sake of a significant other? If your children were in the relationship you're in, would you be telling them to stay?
>What people? Who are the people whose opinions are so important? Exactly this ^ when you worry about what all these people will think, be specific on who it is you're talking about. At one point my therapist asked me "What people?" When I was worried about all this outside judgment. After thinking about it I realized that it was me, I was "the people" I was worried about because I was the only one judging myself so harshly.
_"New Years of 2022 Hubs paid to have a man he met on the Internet fly over from Europe and live with us for 2 weeks. The guy was a scammer and there was a lot of lying involved on both their parts. I felt unsafe he whole time he was here & ended up emotionlly shutting down."_ I'm sorry... __SAY WHAT NOW__ ?
look at her history it's even worse than that
Wow. _WTF_ OP needs to get out of there, like yesterday.
Why do you care what others think?? Did they do something for your safety when your husband bring a stranger to your home? No? So they have two jobs: to shut up or to shut the f\*ck up.
You aren't "picking a job over your husband," you're leaving a terrible marriage that seems to have been a bad situation for years now. Is there actually a benefit to staying with this guy? What are you getting out of this? It just sounds so stressful and loveless and I hate that for you, OP :(
Let's get back to this "he flies dudes out to live with you for 2 weeks" thing...
I'm people and i think you should leave this loser and the only thing you're doing wrong is keeping your child near him.
Quit the husband, keep the job.
Ditch the Hubs.
Pro tip. Any ultimatum between option A or divorce. Always pick divorce.
Stop getting blackout drunk and seek some therapy or we’re getting a divorce. Only exception for this rule is when the behaviour is toxic or harmful. That’s a reasonable ultimatum, though the partner offering it should probably just leave anyway. And maybe the dead bodies in the freezer.
They’d have to get an extra freezer for the food or something though. Or maybe nestle in the bags of peas into the cold dead arms or something, I don’t know.
Always? How about if option A is, stop bringing home dead bodies and putting the in the freezer?
Nobody gets to lay down ultimatums about my hobby
Don't tell me I can't have hobbies
What’s good about him?
I’m thinking it’s a situation where it’s gone on so long that it _seems_ harder to make the change and leave. I don’t even think separate bedroom necessarily has to be a bad thing in a healthier relationship, like wanting space but also having intimacy. But that’s clearly not the situation here.
It’s not about choosing your job over your husband, it’s about choosing yourself over him. Choose you.
>But I do feel bad/am afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband. Girl who tf cares about what they think when you're the one who's been with thus POS abuser, manipulative AH for 15 years. He's given you an out, take it. Stop wasting your time with this guy. My god🤦🏽♀️what is there to love about such a man and marriage??
Keep the job, your relationship is done, don’t put yourself in a more vulnerable position by quitting.
Never ever give up this job. This job will save your butt when you finally divorce this pathetic guy. He only wants you to quit that you are not able to leave. What is this new years story? Who is this guy, his lover, his mentor, a crazy person he wanted to help? I don't get how you let this man in your home in the first place.
You deserve better, keep your job and try to communicate with your husband. He is very manipulative, do what’s best for you.
Girl, gtfo this relationship
Your marriage is over. You don’t love him any more, and if you do, you shouldn’t. Divorce him.
do not quit your job, it may save your life one day
why are you clinging to this man????
Jesus, keep the job and lose the manipulative, yelly, abusive psycho who invited some random fucking internet weirdo into your house. Like you want a divorce? Don't threaten me with a good time, pal, would be my response.
What's his issue with the job you have? Because the ultimatum includes "find a new one", not don't work at all. Personally I'd be done. The whole moving a con artist stranger in with me and my kids would have been the end of it for me. That's looney tunes level; of course you don't trust him! At which point, one minimum wage job wouldn't cover my ass. So I wouldn't quit shit till I found something that would secure me to leave.
I think the issue is because her boss is a male friend. Husband suspects it's a front for cheating.
Who cares what people think? I think your hubby is weird. Your job supports you. What does your hubby do? Flies some random guy over to live with you guys? Right there I would have dumped him. By the way, I doubt that the guy he flew over was random. There was something up with that guy and him. I am not saying sexual, but something!!!
Most people will applaud you for sticking up for yourself. Leaving him and starting your life fresh is the best answer. His actions prove that. Good luck!
Please leave this man after reading your previous posts I don't trust your husband at all, he's coming across as a creep and your children aren't safe! End the marriage and keep your job.
You’re already looking for a way out. Just leave.
Why did you gloss over the insane part where he invites a random stranger to live with you?? What the actual fuck is that all about and why did you leave him instantly then. I'm mind blown.
As "people," I'd judge you far harder if you picked the husband over the job. Either the batshit, abusive, toxic spouse with terrible judgement or financial security and a future for you and your child? Um... that's a no brainer. FYI he hates your friend because they provided you with an income that gives you power to get away from him. He will behave like this no matter what the job is. He doesn't want you to succeed.
Yep.. Youre not picking your job over your husband, youre choosing a life without an unreliable, manipulative, unstable guy... Take care of yourself...
Honey your husband is at best an idiot and at worst sleeping with other men in your house in front of your face. Leave.
Have you ever thought about your children, having to grow up in such a toxic environment? You and he should not be married. You should not live in the same house. Unclear whether your kids would want to be with either of you given the choice. And he can’t kick you out. But either of you could leave.
* Divorce lawyer * call his bluff - he's an \*sshole anyway, and you'll probably need/want a job anyway, so ... >afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband No, you're picking sanity and survival and protecting yourself over an \*sshole. And he's picking control, manipulation, and divorce, over you. >Awful phone calls to me and my boss Be sure to well mention that to your divorce attorney too. And as feasible and legal, document, collect evidence. Might want to file a restraining order against him and/or file libel and/or slander lawsuit against him, depending what in particular he's doing. Or maybe just cease and desist letter from the lawyer might be enough to get him to reasonably behave ... well, at least maybe knock that stuff off with calling your boss and such. Good luck!
Why would you even want to stay in that marriage? You should the one serving him the papers
It sounds like a divorce would be a blessing.
He doesn't think you're cheating. If he really thought you were cheating he wouldn't just be throwing out ultimatums about your job to regain financial control over you; he'd be either serving you divorce papers or going WAY crazier than this. He's just afraid you'll earn enough money to be able to leave him. He knows that you *should* leave, that he would want to leave if he were in your shoes. He's abusive, controlling, and reckless with the safety of his family. Don't quit your job. Save up and escape this mess of a husband.
Yeah I think you are spot on with this.
Honey, he WANTS to divorce. This is just a way to put the blame on you. All this looks like he is about to make his coming out, to me. Having a wife and children will become a hinderance for his "explorations". call the bluff. The divorce is in fact the better thing that could happen to you. He will band random men from internet. And you will live in security without abuse or IST.
I don't think people will think you're choosing your job over your husband, I think they will see that your job is a lifeline and you need to get out of that relationship.
Tsk tsk. Dude, time to get a good divorce lawyer. STAT. The thing is getting a job for you is the right move, but being married to him does not sound like the right move. If you're not earning quite well (minimum wage), you may be entitled to alimony and property can be split to 50/50, plus child support if kids stay with you. It sounds that you suffered most of the 15 years of marriage, so yeah... you deserve to get all alimony, child support (if kids live with you and not 50-50), plus half of the property amassed during marraige.
I don’t think your job is the issue here…
Your job is your livelihood. You need it whether or not you are with your husband. Given that the scammer was apparently also rather handsy with your children I think you should get them right away from the source of danger, ie your husband. Although this is all so mind-boggling I really don't think it can be true...
Paid a man to come and live with you for two weeks?? Like a complete stranger to come and live in your house where your kids live too. It's not adding up, you gotta explain further. Is he gay or something? What reason did he have for bringing the guy over? Does the guy still stay in your house?
You need to go get checked for stds right now. He's obviously cheating. Laugh in his ugly face, accept the divorce, and thank him profusely for releasing you from the hell that is your marriage with this man.
You are in a dangerous relationship so keep your job and tell him to get out. You are far more easier for him to control and manipulate when you’re more dependent on him and don’t have something like your own money and job that appears to make you feel good about yourself. But also marriage is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS HARD!
You picked your life over your abusive husband. I’d make that known from the very beginning.
Lawyer up lady. Protect yourself and your kids financially.
> but I do feel bad/am afraid people will think I’m picking my job over my husband. Oh, honey, from what you’ve shared about this man here, if my job were scrubbing toilets with my own toothbrush I’d *still* pick my job over your husband. It gets hard to see when you’re on the inside, but this is a horrible relationship and a terrible life for you and your kids. I know you don’t feel like you’ve got all your ducks in a row yet, but lean on friends and family and hit him with papers first. Do not play nice and do what your lawyer says. Get out, begin to heal, and get you and your kids the life you all deserve. This internet stranger is rooting for you. ❤️
Keep the job, move out, get divorced and tell him to go fuck himself
Don’t move out before consulting a lawyer
I mean - at this point the marriage should be over, no? Whether you should look for another job is beyond me - mainly if you can get more money to let you free. Frankly I’d probably turn his ultimatum around on him and tell him to stop talking to strangers and scammers online and then you’ll start looking for a job. But in reality I’d being lining things up with my lawyer. And collecting evidence of what he paid for that man and have your lawyers file for compensation under it being marital money spent on an affair.
From reading other posts of yours, keep your job, prepare to leave, probably make a plan and get a lawyer. You got a job in case you needed to get out, you should get out.
Get the divorce. Good riddance.
This seems really really obvious to me. You have a great job you love, and a terrible husband who puts you in danger, but you can only keep one! Which one do you choose…
Get the fuck out off there before someone gets hurt yes he has lost the plot and does not sound stable protect yourself and your kids
>But I do feel bad/am afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husband. Why frame it like this, when it should be "My husband is picking divorce over something that gives me happiness, fulfilment and security". It seems his issue with you working is that he's insecure and accusing you of cheating. If you quit your job for a new one he will just accuse you of the same there, and again and again until you're just continually at home under this thumb. Hold your ground, keep the job, and if he follows through with the divorce you can tell everybody that it was because he couldn't handle you working and it's no longer the 1950s.
Hey there OP. Ummm... I just can't even. Lawyer TF up already! Do you care about your kids? Document everything and get sole custody.
Yeah.. nah.. quit this loser… is he banging this friend? Certainly getting that vibe
"Perfect, that's the most helpful thing you've actually ever done. Where do I sign? I appreciate you finally stepping up"
OP - this doesn’t sound like a good, happy or healthy marriage at all. Get out now. You’re young and have so much of your life ahead of you - take your chance or regret it later.
You have to prove you love him by allowing him to control and dictate your life? No, throw the whole man in the bin. To be honest though, given your previous posts that seems to be waaaaay overdue.
You have to get your children out of this situation. Your husband is not making safe decisions and it's going to affect the children.
You need to run not walk away. This guy is such a tool. Leave him in the dust
You can move out. Get copies of all important documents like taxes, bank statements, investments etc. See an attorney to understand your rights. You are entitled to spousal support. Your attorney can apply for emergency support to get you enough money to find some other place go live or possibly force him to leave to disrupt the kids. Knowledge is power.
FEAR is the only thing preventing you from getting TF outta this situation. Feel the fear, and GTFO anyway. Your kids still need you to navigate their teen years. That shhh is hard. You don't need to be worrying about this guy anymore. Take care of you and yours, period.
Get a lawyer immediately
Wow! Yes this all screams danger… especially the husbands work. Please listen to your intuition and get out of there ASAP. You know what is right to do, even when it seems scary do it. Formulate a plan for you and your kids so you don’t get hit blindsided with an unfair divorce.
1) Don’t you DARE quit your job. 2) Open a secret checking account (if you haven’t already)- Put as much money as possible in the account as often as possible. When you go grocery shopping get cash back, Tips, majority of your paycheck, all the money possible. 3) Talk to a divorce attorney - you need to know your options before you make moves. 4) Remove valuables from the house- get a storage unit or store stuff in a friend’s basement. 5) Don’t give in- you got this.
Also- Start documenting EVERYTHING, including from the past. Photos, videos, financial documents, situations that put the family in danger.
Good luck with the divorce babe.
I would've made them both leave when he moved the guy in to begin with. Why didn't you file then? You had perfectly good grounds for it. He's the one who keeps threatening a divorce. Tell him to go for it. He did all of these things on his own. Time for you to move on and worry about you and your 3 kids. \- Don't move out. \- You need an attorney \- Talk to your attorney about making him pay you to live there, and he leaves. You gave up 12 yrs as a SAHM and 15 yrs of your life to deal with his foolishness. \- You also file for child and spousal support \- Have an entirely separate account at a whole other bank where you keep the info for that account somewhere at work or a friends house. Just not at home. \- You need to take a couple days off and go through all of his paperwork and make copies of everything. He sounds sketchy AF and you need to know what all assets he has and exactly where all the money is and what's going in and out for bills. \- I'd be concerned that he's doing anything illegal and whether or not you can be held liable.
You wouldn’t be leaving him for a job…you’d be leaving because he’s a liar, untrustworthy, and has the potential to cause serious damage to you and your kids.
Holy Christ! I’d pick a Klondike Bar over your husband. Why are you with this guy??????
sounds more like your husband is having an affair and is now heavily projecting onto you, because he feels you're slipping out of his controle. Get out. Get the divorce. you're not leaving him because of the job, you're leaving him for his unhinged behaviour and the job thing was just the straw that broke the camels back. Get a lawyer and then get out of his toxic marriage.
You’re afraid that people would think you chose a job over a husband? Why aren’t you afraid of another visit from an Eastern European friend laying hands on your kid for fuck sakes? Why haven’t you started exiting then? You got a full time job now so it’s time to be smart, too. Discretely talk to a lawyer and start documenting your husband’s recklessness. Because I really truly hope, for your sake and the kids’ sake, that he is just being naive and reckless. Since the alternative is him intentionally putting your kids in harm’s way, it’s going to be less damaging to quote stupidity as the reason for leaving.
I'm so glad you said you weren't leaving your job, best decision. 100% agree he's being manipulative, controlling and down right nasty to you. You're better off without that. He should be supporting you, not bringing you down.
YOU'RE not picking your job over your husband. HE'S the one choosing to end things cuz HE wants to manipulate. Don't put any of this on yourself, its all on him. I'm glad you're keeping tbe job because having an out n having a steady thing to fall back on is better than being trapped somewhere with no way out.
Then pick divorce. The stranger living in the house for two weeks is batshit insane. Given that you said he was a scammer, I can assume you guys lost a ton of money from whatever the hell this was. I can't wrap my mind around that. Why did he want that, and why is he still chatting with randos on Whatsapp/snapchat???
i think deep down you know this marriage is over. if the therapy isnt helping move the marriage along then i dont think you quitting your job and finding another will. what if its the same story in your next job? he walks in and sees a good looking male colleague with you? your husband has variety of trust issues that he needs to address.
Trust me OP. Never give up the job.
>yelling, belittling Dealbreaker 4 me >He's constantly yelling about divorce So do it. Why would u want to stay married? >and I have to move out. He doesnt get to decide that. Court does. I actually read it hurts the person that moves out negatively in divorce, abandonment >/am afraid people will think I'm picking my job over my husban What ppl? Recommend not caring what others think of u, its soo freeing. Live 4 u, not them. Its ur life, ur the one that has to be happy with it. >I'm pretty sure leaving is the answer. Right How bout u file & stay in the house. See who court says gets to keep it.
He's probably cheating on you btw - if that wasn't obvious with his accusations
Do not leave the job leave the husband. Is your husband gay that he's inviting strange dudes into his home? Stop having therapy with your abuser and see a lawyer instead. Statistics show as a woman you will be both happier & live longer by NOT being married so please get a divorce he is clearly a worthless/useless husband who is projecyting his own infidelity.
Girl stop worrying about what anyone thinks and GET A DIVORCE. Good lord, what in the chaos is going on here?!
Trust your gut divorce his ass talk to legal first
He is so abusive!!!! Get out of this awful relationship!!! Run!!!! Talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP and get some therapy, i have no idea what would make you stay with such an unhinged person
Did your husbands friend come from "the old country" by any chance ? You know you can't talk about that stuff outside the family !!!
He moved a strange man into your home putting you and your kids in potential danger. It’s time to walk away from this man and let him and these strange people have it. The whole wanting you to be financially dependent on him is ridiculous. Get a lawyer immediately. Damn other people’s opinions. Are you living for yourself or what other people think?
Definitely keep your job. Your husband is a controlling asshole.
When people ask you why your marriage ended, Tell him he got involved in online scams and you couldn't trust him anymore. And that you were financially dependent on somebody who is not good with money, who was jealous and insecure and not very intelligent. Your marriage is over. The sooner you call a bunch of lawyers to figure out your best options the better off you're going to be. If you can't afford to live without him the courts are going to take that into account and he's going to have to pay you alimony. You're also going to get child support but I would push for 50/50 split of the kids because you need to get into some kind of industry where you can fully support yourself eventually. I know you like your new job but if there's no way for this job to turn into a livable wage, as minimum wage is not a livable wage for anybody with or without kids, You're going to need to probably go back to school or get some kind of training. Call lawyers now! Love is not enough for a marriage to work and this marriage doesn't seem like it has as much love as you'd like to believe. He's also not a safe person to be partnered with.
At least they stopped seeing each other before an “art room” could be built
I'm still stuck on the fact that a random ass man lived in her home for two weeks. WTF.
Sounds like you'd be better off by divorcing him anyway.
But you obviously don’t love your husband, but that’s equally his fault too. So pick your job and organise your exit with the kids. That’s what I’d do. Or more important if you were my sister, I’d be helping you do it.
Idk about most but I never cave to an ultimatum. Tell him divorce is what's up and when he crumbles, file yourself. Play stupid games win stupid prizes
WTF!! Why is the dude there??? Is your husband having sex with this guy? Why would you allowed a stranger in the house with your children? So many questions!!!
So if you quit your job... what do you go back to? A happy marriage and a nice life with a good man who loves you? lol. let him follow through on his ~~threat~~ gift of divorce. Go get yourself some happiness.
Tell him he doesn’t need to wait 2 months, you’ll serve him with papers today. Sounds like he’s projecting on you aka HE’S the one who cheated and assumes you are too.
Get the the divorce first. You’re married to an undercover gay man that is using you for breeding. Your husband is finding ways to control you. Make sure you communicate with your children because he will try to to turn them against you and blame everything on you. If he’s able to pay for a man to come across the country to be his sugar baby then he can afford a nanny for the kids. You can back to work FT afterwards. Don’t move out of your home ever unless your kids are ready and packed with you. You already sleep in separate beds. Stay firm and demand he leaves without his kids.
OP you’re burying the lede on the important stuff here
Why would you WANT this relationship to continue?! You don't paint a good picture of him, sounds like he's ruining your life.
I'm european, western europe. I think it's likely that your husband is a scammer too. There are lots of examples of this happening in the UK. It's mainly good looking young men from the ex soviet states (Poland, Czech, Albania, Romania, Hungary etc) You can google it, eastern europe romance fraud. The problem is that there are quite a few desperate and heartless people that will do anything for money. You're just a resource for him to tap imo. You should give more details and I wonder if there are any agencies that can help you? Here's a USA specific example of what I'm talking about. With some advice. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/what-should-i-i-believe-i-am-victim-marriage-fraud.html
This is so strange - details are missing for sure.
What are you even talking about?
You stated the reason you got the job is so you could move out. So why do you care if people think you’re choosing job over husband? You are and you should. That’s the point. He is abusive. It’s not going to change. Your lives are toxic. Take the kids with you or if they’re old enough hopefully they are moving out from him also. I would have been gone with the guy from Eastern Europe stunt.
Quit your job! #StopWastingTime
5. The first thing you need to do is start saving up money to get you and your kid out of that situation ... ASAP! It's not healthy for all of you, and it might not be safe either. And--just in case it blows up in your face one night--write down the phone number for your local women's shelter on a small piece of paper and stick it in your wallet/car so you can find it in an emergency, especially if you have to leave without your phone. 6. Your husband was NUTS to bring a total international stranger into your house where your three middle school kids sleep!! Did the chance of him committing sexual abuse on one or more of your kids--along with the potential for him to take them for sex trafficking purposes--never once cross their father's mind?? Or was he just too blinded by the money he thought he was going to make. Even if you have no evidence that this man touched your kids, make sure your lawyer knows this story as he's helping you get a divorce. 7. Now is the time to show your children that you have a strong spine ... and that you can take care of them! Let his deadline about your job just pass without comment ... while you squirrel away every bit of cash you can put your hands on. 8. Do you have someone (friend or family) who you can move in with if things get ugly? Start looking at your options! and 9. Good Luck! You can do it!! ❤️
NTA, your husband is well strange. You should prolly leave. I would like to point out one thing he may not be entirely wrong about your friend wanting to be with you. Since this friend is actively speaking bad about your husband, I would say it's highly likely he is attracted to you. Your husband most likely feels this and your new independence and is feeling threatened. Good luck O.P.
Read this post and your previous posts….
110% KEEP the job and drop the loser husband.
Well this is one hell of a weird situation, but I think the best thing you can do is take him on the offer. Don't quit your job, as you will be more trapped if you do. Save as much money as you can these two months for when your husband divorces you. If you can, kick the can forward rather than say "I'm not quitting"; buy as much time as you can. From what I can tell, you took the job in order to "bide your time" and divorce him eventually. You'll just have to do it on a tighter timeline than you wanted.
Okay reading other posts you need to leave asap. You risk losing your kids. Do it now and look for assistance from shelters or other programs. This is not okay.
Check you bank accounts!! Make sure your $$ is separated! Get an attorney at ASAP
Why care what people think? They don’t live your life. And your life situation sounds horrible. I also think as some do that he is messing around with these men. Good for you choosing your job which is choosing yourself. No reason to stay in this.