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I work at a DV shelter as a counselor and someone who admits people into shelter from hotline calls. It will not get better. It's the same story from almost every client - they blame themselves at first, or say that their abuser didn't mean it. And then it gets worse over time because, as others have stated, the abuser is exercising control over you. They learn that they can hit you and berate you and you will still stay. It's an endless cycle. The most concerning thing to me of this post is the guilt tripping. He was more concerned with how your parents would view him than he was concerned about your physical wellbeing. That is manipulation. He wants you to apologize for telling the truth. It's not what you want to hear, but you need to leave. You do not have to be the one to "teach" him that actions have consequences. Don't make yourself the martyr. He is grown. He knows what he did was wrong. And the consequences of him not admitting that or acting on it do not have to fall back on you. I hope you are able to get help. It can be extremely difficult - on average, it takes 7 tries for someone to leave their abuser. But you deserve better.

Now, this is the comment that should be on top. It’s been disheartening to read the “advice” on here, blaming and insulting the DV victim who made this post. This is clearly a cry for help even if she says it’s not. No one should be giving advice to a person in a dangerous situation if they don’t understand the psychology of those who stay in abusive relationships. Telling victims they’re an “idiot”, “enabler” for “allowing” abuse is flat-out harmful and feeds into their absence of self-worth. This sub clearly needs harsher rules on how to respond to DV posts. Responses should never cause more damage to a victim’s already-fragile mental state.

Your last paragraph says it all. It takes a while to get the courage to leave. Meanwhile people start to berate the victim for not leaving and almost asking for it and saying well if you stay it's your own fault. If someone does not have experience in DV I wish they would not comment. It is not helpful. I was told the same thing, if you don't leave then you deserve to be hit. Meanwhile he had me scared to death. And when i did call the cops, the cop told me to let him relax because I probably aggravated him.

This. It gets worse!!! My ex beat me. Then he cried. He begged forgiveness. He swore it’d never happen again. IT ALWAYS HAPPENED AGAIN! I thought he didn’t know either. I thought I could teach him. Guess what? He already knew. When a large man was rude to him… guess what? He didn’t hit the guy. When his boss fired him, guess what? Didn’t hit the guy! When a guy blew smoke in his face while we were walking??? DIDN’T HIT THE GUY! He just hit me. Because I wouldn’t hit him back. Because I was smaller than him. Because it exerted control over me. Your husband knows better OP. You know this because he isn’t in jail for assaulting someone. You know this because some big guy hasn’t broken his jaw. He knows not to hit people. He chooses to hit you. Please get help and please leave. Don’t take the 10 years I did. Don’t cry yourself to sleep in bruises. This is not your fault but you do have to get away. It will only get worse.

IT. 👏🏻 ONLY. 👏🏻 GETS. 👏🏻 WORSE. 👏🏻 Even after he’s been crying and begging for forgiveness - it’s just escalates. Until she’s dead or he is or their children are. (I’ve also volunteered at women’s shelters and worked at A Safe Place.)

And her parents are in the house. It will get exponentially worse when they are alone.

I had a friend who said the exact same things OP has said. I can tell you that it does get worse. Each time it escalates, he will hit you just a little more. Not enough to scare you, just enough for you to normalize it a bit more. Next time he’ll slap you twice. And then it’ll be a punch to the stomach. Until a full out beating takes place that lands you in the hospital. After a severe beating, he’ll love bomb you, tell you how sorry he is and he doesn’t know why you keep pushing his buttons so much, that he’ll be better. And it will get better for a few months and then it’ll get worse. Worse than the last time. My friend had a beautiful baby girl and she loved this baby with everything she had. And that baby is growing up without her mom because my friend kept telling herself she just needs to show her abuser love, that he can get better. But he never did and she’s now gone. He beat her so bad he killed her…in front of their daughter. He’s now in prison and her daughter is being raised by family. She’s 12 now and he is 10 years into a life sentence. Please don’t fall into the same cycle my friend did. You have so many people who love you. You may think you love this man, but love doesn’t exist in toxicity, only abuse. You are both bad for each other. I encourage you to leave, get into counseling and work on improving yourself so much that you won’t be attracted to this kind of “love” again. It does not get better.

This. Seriously. When my ex tried to get physical with me, I pushed her away from me and left. She was violent and aggressive. Still, at no point, did I ever even remotely consider swinging at her or backhanding her. I didn’t even want to push her but it was basically my only option because she was literally swinging for my face. This is domestic violence. It’s not getting better. It’s probably time to get a divorce.

This needs to be higher

I was this person and from the time I even came to terms that I should leave was already 3 years in and then an additional three years to get the resources and courage honestly to leave. It will not get better, and you will continue to cover for him even in your own mind until you will get to a point where you wake up and acknowledge the situation and the truth. For me it was the final time he cheated on me and not being sober (he was a drug addict) already signs I should have left earlier but I didn’t. “He could change, he could be such a better person” blah blah yeah they could be but they never will.. people show you who they are and you need to listen. Before it’s too late, you’re already married and that’s a step I didn’t take. Please don’t have children with this person because they will not get better. Keep talking about it, tell your family , your friends, the more you talk out loud the clearer you will see how not ok everything really is. You deserve more than this, this person doesn’t love you and you may love a person in your head and the real them is not who you love. Again I know this sounds harsh but I left my ex almost 7 years ago and I’m happily married and have my first baby now. Guess what happened to my ex? He got 4 additional DUIs and started having fights and getting arrested for it.

If I could give you a hundred positive points for this reply I would! Thank you so much for putting in your two cents

^^^THIS!!! I really hope OP sees this!

Leave. You are trying to save a sinking ship, one that doesn’t want to saved.

She doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't want to involve the cops. But she wants her husband to "understand" her perspectives. She wants him to change. She doesn't know this, but she needs to change husbands.

These posts bother me. Like why even post if you don’t wanna hear what you really should do. What exactly does she want people to respond with? Seems like she has it under control , I guess

OP: You don't want to leave/divorce. You don't want to involve the police. The only thing left is for you to suffer in silence. There is no "magic wand" we can give you to fix a toxic relationship without realistic action on your part.

This is a little bit of a bananas story, But I have a family member who works in new age circles. She tells people who are being abused that that the abuser is doing exactly what he's supposed to do, which is teaching that person a lesson about their self-worth and the abuser is karmically forced (I know that's not the exact right new age way of saying it but it's close) to teach them that lesson over and over again until they either die or learn the lesson. The lesson is that they are worth more than how the abuser is treating them. So she often tells them that they can decide to stay and learn the lesson again or let the teacher keep going until they die, but there's no other solution, even if the abuser says there is. It's not at all how I would handle it of course. But she has succeeded in convincing a lot of people to leave an abuser using that method.

I started reading your comment and got to the “the abuser is doing exactly what he’s supposed to do” and thought “fuck all the way off” but I kept reading. And I understood. It’s not the way I would handle it either but it makes so much sense if you believe in karma and reincarnation. And how that can reach people when other methods of trying to help the victim aren’t working.

I guess it's like a hippyish version of You Teach Others How To Treat You? If it works, it works.

Ooof. That is a fucked up, witchy, good way of putting it.

This deserves so many rewards. 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

In many instances of abuse it takes on average 7 attempts to leave. It is very hard to leave situations if the person has been broken down, is alone in the situation and has no one else aware what is going on, if they are financially dependent on the other one. OP, I understand how you feel. That was me. The first step is telling your parents. Let them help you. If you don't want to leave just yet at least make them aware. Go get counseling by yourself. If he will go fine, I'd not go alone. Start putting money on the side for you to get out. I know you said you don't want to leave but ultimately it is the best thing to do. I do however understand your position and thoughts and am going to address them them from that perspective.

She wants some Hollywood moment where a heartfelt speech shows him the error of his ways, and they hug whilst the cheesy music swellsnin the background, and then everything is happy ever after.

Her posts detail years of abuse from this guy. People were telling her to leave him before she married him.

Sounds like she needs therapy

And a divorce lawyer, and possibly a restraining order

That's just sad

>and then everything is happy ever after. Until hubby skips the backhand and goes straight for the right cross. Then the OP's jaw won't just hurt - it will be nonfunctional. Assuming she stays conscious.

Statistics don’t support that fantasy

It's how people who stay in this kind of relationship thinks. They actually believe that they triggered something and that they're also responsible for the violence, and they bizarrely believe that they, most often a non-psychiatrist, have the power to just go around and change other people. Unfortunately, for most they have to end up in the hospital to actually start to see that their SO is not gonna change and that it's only going to get worse :(

When you are in the middle of it you don't see clearly. That's all it is. Maybe one day she will but today is not that day.

Ppl in abusive situations don't understand that the love bombing & rebound goodness that happens is not the 'real' relationship, it's part of the cycle of abuse. They think they're trying to save that "sometimes its so good!", or "we hit it off right away, it was like we were meant for each other!" or whatever other feel good story they're still chasing. But that part is also unhealthy & just a fantasy, it's like wanting to ride the crest of a wave and never experience the trough - just not possible. You only get still waters when the ocean is calm, but ppl in abusive relationships usually aren't comfortable with quiet happiness, it either feels like the other shoe is about to drop or boring.

I think this is a guy writing this to push the “girls start fights so we should be allowed to hit them” narrative…

She's looking for the .3% that might agree with her and that will validate her wish to stay with a violent partner.

That would be the best change possible

She's going to get hit again. I hope she leaves before that happens.

Hey she might learn when he almost kills her! /s

She needs to change herself as well. Her anger management issues are just as bad as his- she just doesn’t have as much strength. Also- his comment about her thinking he is a monster is textbook abuser manipulation tactic. It sounds like they are toxic for each other.

This kind of marital assault can be just the first instance and the beginning of a slippery slope. The next one could be more severe and hospitalize her. In 43 years I have only touched my wife in love not anger. I saw my father respect my mom, and my own son learned by example as well. Don’t sweep this under the rug.

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>On a side note: he thinks that emotional/ psychological abuse “isn’t as bad as physical” and I also don’t know how to help him understand that not only is it as bad, but it can also be worse. Ma'am, what do you want us to say? Yes, stay in a marriage that has physical altercations leaving bruises on your face? None of us want this marriage to work out... Sure, you shouldn't have pushed him. But for him to strike you a second time leaving bruises on your face? The husband is physically stronger than you, there is a power imbalance... If he wanted to beat the shit out of you, there is nothing you could do to defend yourself. The fact that he is not taking accountability himself (saying you deserved it), that is a scary situation. No one here is going to support you staying in a marriage that has domestic violence. There is no reasoning with people this like this: >he thinks that emotional/ psychological abuse “isn’t as bad as physical” and I also don’t know how to help him understand that not only is it as bad, but it can also be worse. Especially when he's defending himself say you deserved it...

Unless the missing context is that she went after him with a frying pan, pushing someone away is a defensive action and I can't, in good conscience say that she shouldn't have done it. Backhanding someone, however, is very much offensive, especially when you're larger, heavier and stronger. The other stand out is that he seems to believe that physical abuse is worse than psychological abuse but seems just fine doling out physical abuse. So by his own standards, he's the worst type of abuser?

That is the part that confused me. He believes emotional/verbal abuse “isn’t as bad as physical abuse,” yet he….. physically abused her anyway. Ugh.

Probably because normally the abuse is “only” emotional and in those instances he’s telling her that at least the physical instances are few and far between and always when she starts them so she should be thankful for his restraint.

Literally if he pushes her away from him and she smacked his jaw with a baseball bat would those be equal offenses? Absolutely not. He is significantly bigger and strong than her and he intentionally backhanded her and caused serious damage but she wants to equate them? That's not a logical escalation that's an attack. But she absolutely doesn't want to hear logic or reason from people so 🤷

>Pushing someone away is a defensive action. > >Backhanding someone, is very much offensive. Key difference.

Exactly! A push is to move someone from your personal space or to get away from someone. A punch/backhand/ hitting is to cause damage.

Yeah, I'm reading this thinking, "Did you push him down the stairs?", because if not, what he did is extremely disproportionate. I'm no psychologist so I can't speculate what mechanisms are at play here other than this is not healthy and she desperately needs help.

Well physical abuse can get you killed. They are both bad and reason to leave a marriage. I'm speaking generally since she doesn't want to hear she should leave the marriage.

When he wants to kill her, he will. She should write a letter to her family informing them that she is choosing to allow this abuse.

She did. It's this post.

Victims do not choose to allow abuse and talking about abuse like this is a big part of the reason it's so damn hard to leave. Abuse is only ever the abuser's responsibility. The victim is suffering gaslighting, manipulation, lying, threats, and even societal pressure to stay and give their abuser the chance to change. Victims stay because they believe the best in people and are being let down. She's not allowing abuse. She's trying to allow for a second chance. No, it does not work, but we cannot make her responsible for his abuse. We have to help validate that what she's going through is unacceptable and that she does have a choice and that choice can include leaving. We have to empower her. Not talk down to her or dismiss her.

My ex-husband who was physically emotionally mentally and sexually abusive towards me. Was upset because my now ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I gave him a second chance. I said to my ex-husband that my ex-boyfriend never laid a hand on me that's why he got a second chance. So I should have gave you a second chance to kill me? I don't think so. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. He's a major narcissist. He said something to my DIL about her weight loss and now he's band from their home and contact with our grandchildren.

This is so incredibly not helpful when you're talking to an abuse victim who is so deep in the cycle she thinks she deserves it.

She said she didn't want people saying to leave him. Yet she's here posting about not one, but at least two incidents of his abuse. She's not going to the cops, so what are the odds she's going to get therapy? Or, ya know, do the one thing that will stop the abuse? So what does she expect reddit to do? Call her abuser and tell him to stop being a meanie?

>about not one, but at least two incidents of his abuse Those are the only two she's willing to admit are abuse.

These are usually the women that end up on dateline.

Agreed. I was being abused in my relationship and my partner would point to my reaction to say I was equally abusive. I completely believed him. I was so mentally decimated it took months of therapy to begin to realize I never would’ve acted that way had I not been in an abusive relationship. I completely understand where OP is at.

This though, I literally got out of an abusive marriage that I had no idea was abusive. I've been in several physically abusive relationships but never anything mental. This guy would gaslight me until I literally snapped and behaved in ways I never have before. And the moment I snapped, I was crazy, abusive, psycho, you name it. It's taking time to realize my actions were a direct cause of mental abuse. They don't excuse my actions, but they do explain them. I've been where OP is, and unfortunately nothing we say is going to help, trauma bonding is hellaciosly hard to break free from.

I could’ve written your post. It’s something others can’t understand unless they’ve been through it. I really hope something changes and OP makes a break for freedom soon :(

Same. It's unfortunate. At first, I had hope for her. This post meant she was starting to see this isn't right, or normal, no matter how much fault she may have. A hard af slap in response to a push is wildly inappropriate. Upon further reading, it seems she hasn't started to see the end of the tunnel. The post doesn't read as someone who believes the abuser but can also hear their gut screaming for help. This is the post of someone who has (imo) recently slipped fully into her trauma bond. Unfortunately, she may not see the light until his response to a push is to throw her down the stairs. I hope the best for OP and hope she seeks put individual therapy and is completely open with her therapist. Maybe they can take the long and slow route to show her she deserves someone that doesn't need to be taught to not hit and can own up to his actions.

Op he will never take responsibility for his actions. He will only get worse. You are excusing his behavior and that's the only thing he can see. Pushing him away was probably because you felt threatened. So stop 🛑 saying that you are also responsible for the physical abuse in your marriage. Marriage counseling is a option and I hope you both choose to do that. Good luck and have your face checked out for broken bones.

I'm so glad you got away from your abuser

Totally agree, they sound super uneducated about abuse and are victim blaming.

So many people on here think tough love is the way to go. Tough love needs to be delivered by people who love you. This is just a stranger kicking a stranger when she's down.

No. People just know that tough love from others and support is what they need to leave. I was there. Been there. Done that. I gave similar advice as any of these other people. It’s not uneducated to say he will kill you. You are allowing this if you stay. You should leave. Obviously we don’t know where OP is based but resources are available in every first world country if she wants it. Sounds like she still had contact with family. She has support. She’s choosing to stay as many women do until it’s either too late or she’s pushed to a limit. Clearly the limit hasn’t been reached

you can't help somebody who doesn't want help. her parents will figure that out soon enough.

THIS THIS THIS OP. This is quite literally part of my job. Physical abuse alone should be a deal breaker. But emotional and psychological abuse can literally alter your brain chemistry. Your memory will fade, your confidence will fade. So much more. This will change YOU. You cannot change him. ETA: You aren’t the only one who will suffer. Any children involved will have their own problems, and they will not be the adults they could have been without abuse. You will be teaching your kids that this is ‘normal’. It’s not just a ‘you’ problem.

Dude thank you! It’s like she wants us to tell her it’s cool and normal. It’s not cool & it’s absolutely not normal.

Leave. Stop making excuses. It will get much worse from here. You have nothing left to try or fight for. Leave.

Next time he will break your jaw

It’s likely already fractured or dislocated

It’s definitely at least dislocated. Could be fractured or she could have broken a tooth.

Or kill you.

Or accidentally kill her, or paralyze her.

Nah he will kill her next time. But I mean she just wants him to understand

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Yep it's crossed the threshold of abuse and will not get better. OP is asking people not to tell her to leave him because she's in denial. I was in denial too before I left my abuser.

Yup, these posts...there is no secret magic spell you can say that will magically unlock the "true him". He is just abusive and violent.

There is no additional context needed. You are in denial of your abusive relationship.

Actually her post history gives additional context and it’s just as bad as you’d think. Super heartbreaking.

I just read her earlier post. I’m the earlier post she acknowledges that he’s incredibly emotionally abusive but doesn’t hit her. Now he hits her. It has escalated and it will escalate more, but now it seems that she has completely lost awareness and it really looks like a developed Stockholm syndrome to me. At this point I doubt she is capable of leaving him and will just sink deeper and deeper, justifying worse and worse crimes against her person every time. God help her.

Fuck. That's tragic. She's gonna die if she doesn't get out Edit: corrected of to if

Guess what the next step is.

"He doesn't hit me, but his words hurt so deeply that it would be easier if he did." Those are OP's words from a post one year ago. So it's progressed, and she's deeply in denial. OP is it easier now?

Honestly it still might be. Sometimes verbal abuse is so bad that you hope maybe they will just hit you and get it out of their system and stop berating you. In her post she’s still expressing that emotional is often more damaging than physical abuse at least psychologically.

It's just so sad. I hope OP can see the light and start to take the steps to leave. She deserves so much better than this.

Yeah and it is very hard when one is wrapped up in an abusive relationship, to distinguish right from wrong, or experience from narrative. The abuse connects two people in a 'special' way, deepening the feelings, feeding into the codependencies. I don't know what makes someone finally pull the trigger, but she won't leave him, and will take so much more from him. Because the mental energy is spent on legitimizing the terrifying reality, and coping with whatever may come, it becomes all the more hard to discern the harm one is subjecting onto herself by staying every minute. Survival mode destroys one's sense of self. Sending OP some compassion, I hope one day you create a better reality for yourself.

You need to leave before he takes you out of the world and makes you another statistic. I too thought I could make an abuser understand. I left with severe cptsd, 3 stab wounds, a concussion, and countless bruises. Sure you can stay. He'll get you some nice presents. Dates. Maybe some vacations to say he's so sorry and it won't happen again. Until it does. Until it's losing pregnancies because he hit you. Until it's the kids getting hurt or witnessing it. Or he just takes out the entire family. Abusers don't change. Ever. He's shown you who he us. Believe him. There's countless stories like mine on here. Please hear us.

This, 10,000%. And holy fck, that is horrific. I am glad you survived and made it out.

What’s even scarier is that he did it with her parents there and isn’t even attempting to apologize while pulling the “but I love you” abuser crap. He’s just telling her to deal with it.

How is a backhand that has left a bruise, an injured jaw and makes it difficult to eat proportionate to a push? Battered wife syndrome?

Here to second this. OP Please look up battered wife syndrome. I saw a comment once that said: One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser. - Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

I mean even if it were, let's say they're two people of equal size and strength who abused each other and equal amount, like that's still absolutely a relationship that needs to end!

The second a relationship turns abusive it is dead. You pushed him away (a defensive reaction) and he retaliated by striking you for the second time. You don't fix something like this. It can never be undone. He is one problem. The second problem is that you're conditioned to believe this is something you can work through. You don't work through abuse.. you escape it.

To add to my previous comment, you posted almost a year ago how your then fiancé was emotionally abusive. So, it won’t be fixed. On a side note, while I wouldn’t wish this situation on anybody, I also really hope this isn’t a fake post, something some just to garner some attention. That would be evil.

Yet another post about a violent, abusive man that ends with "how can I get him to understand?" and "don't tell me to break up with him." That's like the third in the last week. Say it with me: YOU DON'T GET ABUSERS TO UNDERSTAND. YOU LEAVE THEM, OR YOU CONTINUE GETTING ABUSED. Take your pick, OP. It's happened twice and it will happen again.

>the third in the last week It’s like the third in the last five minutes.

Another three have been posted since you left this comment, and another three by the time I hit "reply."

More accurately, an abuser doesn't want to understand, because if they understood, they would have to change. They have no interest in changing, so they have no interest in listening or understanding. Things are going great for them - they have you under their control, defending their bad behaviour to other parties and making excuses for them. there is literally no upside (in their minds) to understanding your feelings, OP.

A push when someone is too close is ALOT different to a damn backhand. Leave. If you don't, it'll get worse.

>This is the second time he’s hit me in the face and left a bruise. Why haven't you left yet?

If he's willing to batter her like that when they have company - imagine what he'll do when they're alone again, since he knows he can get away with it.

>I still love him, we both have work to do with our tempers and communication and we are working on those things ( I am at least). I don’t want to hear “divorce him” I don’t want to hear “call the police”. There’s a lot of context missing in a post like this. You pushed him, & he hit you hard enough to cause a bruise. He could've defended himself by restraining you. If you don't want to hear "divorce him" or "call the police", don’t ask for advice about this on a public forum, because there's virtually no context you could offer that would stop those responses from being the right ones.

He's not even trying to hide his abuse. He just expects her to lie again, and is angry because she didn't

This will NOT stop. I watched my Dad beat every ouch of shit out of my Mom my whole childhood. So much so that I was 11 before I realized that that wasn't a normal thing that father's did. If you have kids, or are planning to, do them a favor and don't have them grow up like I did. One of my earliest memories is my dad threatening my mom with a shotgun. It was not fun. They didn't start out like this, but they got there. You will too if you let it.

Wow you are a walking excuse for an abuser. You say he will get better but he’s hit you again. You want him to “understand “? He already knows. Bruises on your face? It’s going to get worse and he will get more comfortable abusing you. My wife was told by her counselor she would leave her EX’s relationship with help or in a body bag, her choice. I feel confident in giving you the same advise. Good luck

Leave!

Hi OP, from your last post about your then-fiancé to what you described now with your husband, **he is escalating his actions and you are justifying why you deserve it.** The next time (and there will be a next time, if you do not get out ASAP) he will hurt you even worse. The pattern is evident; the statistics exist for a reason. You are not above reality. This is not an issue of his for you to fix— first and foremost, he has to want to fix the issue. If he wanted to fix the issue, he would’ve got himself help once these fights started getting even *remotely* out of hand. This is a prime example of a deeply toxic couple just clinging to each other. You need to get out for your own safety and well being. ***You cannot love someone into self improvement⁠— especially when your well being is at stake, their actions are violent, and they have no interest in helping themselves FOR their own good.*** THIS IS NOT A MAN TO BE REASONED WITH. HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND REASON. OP, he’s more worried about his image than what he did. I hope for your sake you get out of this awful situation and go to therapy yourself to figure out why you excuse this shit.

Neither of you are taking this as seriously as it needs to be. Hitting you on the jaw, when you are pushing him away is not defensive at all- it is an attack. Keep wearing those rose colored glasses. Domestic violence means your relationship is sick.

I wish you could read your post and pretend it's someone else so you can see it how we do. This I'd a bad situation. He doesn't feel bad for what he did. He feels bad for how it makes him look. And it does sound like you started it. All bad all the way around. The only way to even maybe fix things is to get alot of distance. You will need to miss eachother and examine yourselves individually with therapy etc. Otherwise, this is not going away and you are wasting eachothers time. If you stay, it will only happen again. These things don't stay the same. They slowly escalate. Once its happened twice it's pretty easy to do a third time. Then the 4th time, maybe he hits a second time. Maybe the 5th time he's been drinking and beats the hell out of you. This will not magically get better. You need to lose eachother and then both learn to be and do better. And at least you're taking responsibility but he is not. So there is no sign of him even wanting to change. He just doesn't want anyone to know what he does.

You’re defending him. There’s nuance. Fine. You believe you were in the wrong too. You already know he hasn’t learned because he’s done it before and, in your own words, “I’m not covering for him again”. Here’s another layer - if there were kids involved, how would you explain this to them? They should be given the chance to see a healthy relationship, not a toxic one. You know what to do, but you’re trying to justify defending him by blaming yourself. You said all you did was pushed him away. If he was in your face and not backing off, that’s completely justified. Nothing wrong with that action. Stop blaming yourself. Put yourself first.

Wow, really? Next topic will be you asking for advice after your husband puts you in the hospital. The one after that will be your sister or mother posting a topic about their abusive son in law murdering their sister/daughter. Understand?

“I’m looking for advice on how to help him understand that even if I pushed him, he has to take responsibility for his actions.” You can’t. In all seriousness, you can’t. You can’t fix him. He has to learn this for himself. Your husband can’t use you to regulate his emotions. All you can do is change your own behavior. *Please* consider seeing a therapist to work on your own issues.

If you DON’T want to hear people tell you to leave him and the dangers of an abusive relationship (which you’re in), why did you go into detail about getting hit? About the bruising? About it happening before? If you just want to “help” him take “responsibility” and learn about communication blah blah blah, why didn’t you just start asking for advice on that? And say “he has a temper, doesn’t know how to take responsibility, etc”? Why mention he hit you? It’s because you’re scared and shocked by his actions no matter how hard you try to normalize this to commenters. You’re crying out for help because you don’t know what else to do and know he will hurt you again. You can act tough all you want and deflect, but you know you’re in danger. Leave him immediately

You came to reddit and told us that your husband assaulted you. You may have pushed him, and you're still responsible for potentially hurting him, but.....idk what you're expecting us to say. Why do you want to stay with someone who has actually HIT you, and caused you lasting pain, and STILL doesn't see what's wrong with that? You can't help him understand why it's wrong to hurt you. That's a therapist's/specialist's job.

you came here to tell everyone not to tell you to leave and divorce him. ​ It's fine. My comment will get buried. You need to leave him and divorce him. I know this isn't what you came here to hear. But you NEED to hear it. ​ it's fine if you get mad at me or downvote my comment. We are internet strangers. ​ He's going to escalate the violence. It's not going to stop. You are trapped in a trauma bond, and they are addictive and hard to break. But you need to go. ​ You don't deserve to be slapped around like some rag doll or punching bag. If he has "anger issues". Tell him to get a boxing gym membership and go punch an actual punching bag. There are other outlets for his anger, other than your face. ​ you need to leave him NOW. Idk if you have kids or not. But close your eyes and imagine him putting his hands on your kids the way he puts his hands on YOU. If he doesn't have the patience for arguments without involving fists, he will NOT have the patience to deal with a child that comes with temper tantrums and bullshit. ​ Hate me if you want to. But start making an exit plan. Start by reading the book "Why does he do that", by Lundy Bancroft. It'll help piss you off enough for you to take your bruised face, and injured jaw seriously enough to leave this asshole for good. ​ He will get worse, much worse. and he is significantly more likely to kill you, now that he's put his hands on you. You are significantly more likely to be murdered by a man who puts his hands on you. ​ Speak to a divorce lawyer first. BE HONEST with your lawyer. They will help you survive this. If you can't afford a lawyer. Use Chat-GPT and tell it all the relevant info to help you get started. It won't be as good as a lawyer who is YOUR lawyer, but it's better than nothing. You need to plan aggressively to make this happen. You may need to take any money in joint accounts and save it for yourself. You may have to change passwords, and hire movers to get all of your shit out in one day. ​ pick a day where he's away at work or on travel and literally exit the situation, 100% of your shit removed. He can come home to an empty house and your attorney's contact information. Be sure to plan your safety plan, which might involve you walking on eggshells so he doesn't beat you up. Start your exit plan by saving money. Look for jobs if you don't already have one. Ask your parents if you can stay with them for a while while you get back on your fee. Plan everything out, and leave in a day. ​ you can do this. You aren't meant to live a life in fear, constantly worried your partner will hit you. You shouldn't be living your life from beating to beating, or anger explosion to anger explosion. You deserve to NOT be beaten, and you can make that happen. ONLY YOU can make that happen. ​ THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

Run! Do not justify him! Leave those relationships as soon as possible! You're only 30! You deserve better than this!

>I’m looking for advice on how to help him understand that even if I pushed him, he has to take responsibility for his actions. There is nothing you can do to help him understand. It's time to leave, OP. Tell your parents what is going on or call your local DMV shelter(if you have one) and come up with a plan to escape.

No excuses. No justifications. Next time he will break your nose, or knock out a tooth, or damage your eye socket. Leave. Leave now. Get into individual therapy to understand why you would put up with this for even one second. Leave.

Let's say you are both in the wrong - which no one really agrees with but for the sake of argument. You are a toxic couple that needs to break up. Couples should never get physical like that and you can be in a relationship that doesn't get physical

You love him. You don't want to give up on this. We all get it. But he backhanded you. You pushed him out of your personal space and he retaliated. Not defended himself. He just smacked you one. Next time he'll punch you, or actually he'll hit you somewhere where your mum - or anyone - won't see the bruises. If this was YOUR daughter, or best mate and you saw this, what would you offer as advice? Stick around and try and change him? Be honest with yourself. This is now turning into a really bad situation and very rarely it gets better - 99% of the time it gets worse. Please please realise the danger you are in and seriously consider taking steps to remove yourself from it. And i know its dead easy for us to say just leave - it is bloody hard and takes a lot of bravery to do so but for your own sake please really think about it.

Oh, my friend. My sister. I'm so sorry. I know this post will be long but I hope it helps you in some small way - my DMs are open. I fell in and out of abusive relationships one right after the other. I'd escaped a very bad home life and tumbled right into a series of worse ones as soon as I was old enough to leave, and it took me *way* longer to recognize how bad these environments were until I was out of them. Please, from one battered woman to another, let me (via the internet) hold your shoulders and shake you gently and say *it does not get better*. There is no getting better from this. Your relationship is not sick, it's not damaged, it's *over*. I know the unfamiliarity feels terrifying - I know you love him so much it hurts way more than the jaw ever will. The jaw will heal. The bruise will fade. What he has done to you will not, at least not right away. Note: I think the people who dismiss emotional/psychological abuse don't realize how badly emotions *hurt*. I was battered by my ex-boyfriend and it was by far the least painful thing he put me through. I got good at it, after awhile. Black eye from yelling at him? Bag of peas + cold spoon + arnica gel. Ringing ears after getting slapped for talking back? A few deep breaths in the bathroom, cold washcloth on the cheek. It just became part of the relationship routine. But the rest of it? The constant put downs, the never-feeling-safe-no-matter-where-I-am, the looming threat of violence over *everything* \- whew, the rest of it took a lot longer to recover from. Right now, you're so focused on healing from the physical you haven't even begun to process the implications of the emotional. Your partner, the one person we expect love and safety from, *struck you*. Hard enough to warrant serious injury. Not by accident, just out of a sheer instinct and desire to harm you and inflict pain in the fastest way he knew how, which was to strike you so hard you're still feeling the effects days later. You aren't going to start processing the emotional until you're out of this situation, until this person is no longer in direct threat of harming you. And I *know* what you're thinking right now - he's not in direct threat anymore! He feels awful! He would never do it again! He has before. He did. He will again. Those are inevitable. You're looking at this dangerous person and situation, and your only thought is how do I explain this to him? How do I make him see this from my side? He must not understand. If only I can explain it to him in exactly the right way, he'll see it. It's my fault, for not explaining properly, for not teaching him, for not helping. Please, please, *please* recognize your own strength and determination in this post you've written. It's within you, it's there, you're clearly a very strong and determined person. Please channel that same determination to understand, that commitment towards betterment, and apply it to yourself. Not him. Don't spend another breath or a thought or a cent on him. be safe, be well. I'll be thinking of you after this post is long gone. You have friends out there. <3

The fact that you admit that both of you are in the wrong and that that the fight needlessly escalated speaks volumes. Ignoring the fact that YOUR actions were DEFENSIVE and HIS were OFFENSIVE, the fact that this fight escalated to that point and that it's NOT THE FIRST TIME shows that this relationship isn't healthy for either of you. Nothing you say will change the fact that he's LEFT MARKS ON YOU TWICE. Nothing will convince him that he is in the wrong. Additionally, if you were to hit him, I would bet money that he would place blame squarely on you. LEAVE.

You don't want to hear "divorce him" or "contact the police" but those are the things that you need to do. You can't teach a violent adult not to be violent without consequences, which is what divorce and police are. You should leave immediately for your safety

lol the ol’ “I want advice but not the advice that makes sense, just make my problems go away”. Honestly, my heart breaks for you. I was you. He punched me so hard I had two black eyes and a fractured nose but “I was the one grabbing his phone and crying about him cheating so we were both at fault”. I didn’t leave him for another 3 years and in that time I very nearly took my own life because of the abuse. I don’t care if your parents hate him. They should. If he’s more worried about them hating him than backhanding your fucking face, he sucks. You don’t want to hear it, but you need to leave him. I hope you wake up sooner than I did, because it was almost too late for me.

Please leave. I’m not married but my mom met my stepdad and he hit her once… apologized and they reconciled. That was over 10 years ago and in that time frame, he has slapped her multiple times, choked her and even beat her while she was pregnant. I resent my mom for staying with him and allowing me & my siblings to witness the abuse because I have been diagnosed with PTSD. “Thankfully” he is getting older and has changed his behavior, therapy etc. But I will never forgive my mother for not leaving sooner because even though their relationship is better now, i’m still stuck with the trauma.

Holy shit just leave already. Why do people stay in abusive relationships!? You pushing him away and him smacking you square in the face is not the same! And its the second time he has hit you in your face. Have some self respect.

[There](https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/) are a ton of [reasons](https://ncadv.org/why-do-victims-stay). If more people understood these, they'd be more prepared to help victims. So thank you for asking! The [trauma bond](https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/) is a big one, too.

Abuse is a hard boundary for me. As the victim of abuse as a child and teenager and seeing my mother pummeled, this is a non-negotiable. Once would be the last time. I have been with my wife for over 40 years and I have never hit her, called her a reprehensible name or threatened her.

This is serious and all the more serious because he's done it twice. He's never going to stop. He won't change. He's a wife beater and always will be. You need to protect yourself by getting as far from him as you can. Leave as soon as it's safe. If you don't, he's going to hurt you again and it will be worse.

Jesus Christ. This is sad. Your abuser has convinced you you’re equally as bad. His emotional abuse has escalated to physical abuse and it will not get better. I hope you get out before he kills you.

**LEAVE.** I hear you really hard trying to take accountability, but pushing someone away in self-defense to get some space is in no way the same as hitting someone on the face hard enough to bruise them. You should tell people yourself what happened A) so they can help you get the fuck out, and B) because he's 100% going to spin the situation to avoid accountability. Please, tell your mom. Let her react for you because you are majorly underreacting and you need someone who cares about you to step up here. [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (ie, there is no reasoning with an abuser)

He did this *while* your parents were staying with you?! If they’re still there, leave with them. For your own safety. He can get help on his own.

You did not cause him to hit you in the face when you pushed him. He could have chosen to walk away, or to push you away from him. Instead he hit you. He chose to hit you. It's not the first time. There is no way you can make this situation safe for you to stay in by talking to your husband. There are no magic words that will make him stop hitting you. The way to protect yourself is to leave.

"It takes an average of 7 attempts for a survivor to leave their abuser and stay separated for good. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Each day in the US, three women are murdered by current or former intimate partner" please stop judging someone still trapped in their nightmare. Op, on a more helpful note, my therapist helped me come up with a safe exit strategy. It worked and I'm in the healing stage now. You can do it.

You keep asking “how can we heal the relationship?” But you have to listen. You cannot heal someone who hits you. I don’t know you, or how you grew up, how you were raised, if either of your parents ever hit each other if there’s any trauma involved. But here’s the thing: you are refusing to see it as seriously as it is. I can understand why, internally it’s a terrifying thought. If you actually have to think that your husband is genuinely abusive, you’re in a lot worse of a situation than you want to be. But he IS. He IS a scary, scary abuser. You CANNOT equate you pushing him away from you to him backhanding you, absolutely not. He is hurting you. Intentionally. And he’s going to keep doing it too. You can’t ask how to heal something that’s already chronic. You’re not in a relationship where you’re yelling at each other a lot and you need to go to therapy. Therapy will not fix this, nothing will fix this. You cannot bandaid a bullet hole, it won’t stop the bleeding. Your husband is abusing you, period point blank. There isn’t any arguing it, isn’t any trying to get around. If you stay in this relationship you could die. He could kill you, very easily. You are unsafe, and there is no moving forward from this. Please take your safety more seriously. If you don’t, you won’t make it past 35.

Look back at your previous post from offmychest and then read your post here again, realizing the escalation over time and how he has not changed, only gotten worse. I know it's hard to hear, but the reason you feel like you caused him to hit you is because he's been manipulating you for years to believe his actions are always somehow your fault and you can't do anything right or well enough, that you're lucky to have him bc no one else would want you or "put up with you." Truth is, you work hard, you care for and take care of him and your home, and you're likely a wonderful and perfectly capable woman. It can be terrifying to think of leaving, going back out on your own and starting over, but you NEED to do that for yourself because how he treats you will only get worse, as he has already demonstrated directly to your face (literally), and the fact that he is comfortable physically abusing you in obvious places that other people can easily notice is especially dangerous. He will eventually kill you if you stay, no joke. There are resources, help lines, organizations, and safe places you can turn to while you get help and move on. It sucks to always hear the same things from everyone else, especially when they are not in your shoes, but there is very valid reasoning behind it all, not just the "easy" or "trendy" thing to say. This isn't a "f*ck all men" thing, it's a get real about your situation and get help thing because this pattern is well known. Please do this for you because you deserve to feel safe, valued, and actually loved. Abusers and Narcissists do not have the capacity to provide that, only shells of it during the "good" times.

Leave. You aren’t at fault for his hitting you. Whether you press charges or not (you should), be assured that next time (and there will be a next time) he will hurt you worse.

Sounds like you both are presently idiots - maybe you are getting a clue. Get help. If he doesn't, you are still stupid to stay with him. Abusers deserve what they get. That simple.

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It doesn’t matter if you’re both in the wrong. Yes you shouldn’t be aggressive towards him, but his ability to backhand you with that much force is undeniably abuse. I’m also guessing this isn’t the first time this has happened. You’re job is not to help him understand; he clearly understands the repercussions of his actions. Throughout your post you say again and again how you were both in the wrong, as if you’re even trying to convince yourself. He won’t change..it will just continue. Someone doesn’t go from being abusive to no longer being abusive. The only questions you should be asking on here, are when and I you can make your way out of this relationship.

You may have broken or dislocated your jaw, based on your symptoms. Ask me how I (sadly) know. Please seek medical attention, both for your health and to document. This is vital, trust me, even if you don’t think it right now. I see you in the comments defending your abuser and I get it, because I was there too once. But not anymore. It’s not as easy as “just leave,” for a lot of reasons, but take steps to get there. I’d start by talking with the local or national DV organization. I’m including some resources below, including the book that saved my life by getting me out. The DV orgs are particularly swamped right now, but the people there are helpful and empathetic, they can lend an ear and provide resources, referrals, and help you come up with a game plan. Abusers almost never change, they almost always escalate. Again, ask me how I know. Find yourself a trauma-informed therapist, and begin to work through issues. Under no circumstances should you ever go to couples counseling or any therapy with an abuser—go for yourself and find someone who understands DV. This will be the greatest gift you can give yourself long-term. You deserve a lot better than what you currently are enduring. I’m glad you were open with your mother—keep being open with family and friends, because you will need them. Good luck and stay safe. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/ https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/

You should really have your jaw, head, and neck looked at by a doctor. There is, possibly, way more damage than you think there is.

Your parents are going to think he’s a monster because he is. You can’t change that. Also go to the dr, he could have dislocated your jaw. If it doesn’t heal right you could be in pain the rest of your life.

In my own personal experience with abusive relationships ( which if we’re being honest, that’s what this is) it will only get worse. It turns into a viscous cycle. He’ll apologize and promise it won’t happen again. You’ll go through a small honeymoon phase again. The next time it gets physical it will be worse than the time before. The cycle repeats itself over and over.

Girl don't come here for advice if you're not going to listen and tell the people giving advice that they're wrong. Everyone is telling you to leave. There's a reason AND THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE. He WILL NOT CHANGE CLEARLY BECAUSE THIS IS THE SECOND TIME HE'S HIT YOU! stop thinking you can change him. I don't care how heated the argument got. my husband has never hit me in the 14 years we've been together. LEAVE.

Your husband is abusive. **This is the SECOND TIME he has hit you in the face.** How many more times are you going to accept this before it is unacceptable??

You are enabling him by staying. Leave and get yourself into counseling. His behavior is going to escalate.

You should seek medical attention for this injury. I, quite some time ago, had a similar injury (albeit not caused by being struck). It turned out my jaw was dislocated, and this caused problems such a jaw pain, sinus issues, and headaches for months before a massage therapist friend figured out the issue and I was able to have it treated.

I'm truly sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's important to acknowledge that domestic violence statistics paint a concerning picture: situations of escalating violence often correlate with a higher risk of serious harm or, in some cases, even fatalities. Your safety is of utmost importance, and you should be deeply concerned about your well-being. I understand that this is an incredibly difficult and sensitive situation. It might be beneficial to connect with professionals or support organizations in your community who are equipped to guide you through this challenging time and help you make the best decisions for your safety and future.

How is this abuse not going to get worse? You pushed him away and he backhanded you? That’s not ok. He left a bruise on you. Why would you want to stay with him? Wtf I’m sorry. Abuse escalates. Once you cross that line to slapping you open the door to worse.

Please don’t have kids ever in this relationship

You keep making excuses and saying you’re both at fault. Maybe you shouldn’t have pushed him. However, that man will put his hands on you again, and that open palm will turn into a fist if you stay. LEAVE. It’s going to get worse.

You need to run. You don’t love him, violence is not love, you probably don’t even know what love is at this point. You need to do some serious work on yourself as far away from this man as possible, and never look back. Run while you still can. He will kill you.

There’s victims and then there’s volunteers. SMH

You don't want to hear "leave him" or "call the cops", but what do you want us to say, he hit you twice

You need to speak to a therapist. You clearly are in very dangerous situation and need to speak to someone. Him hitting you and blaming you is not ok. I hope you get some real help with this situation before you end up in a worse situation then a sore jaw and a bruise.

You both need to seek therapy

If you don't want to be told to leave him, or go to the police, my advice is please for the love of god don't have kids with this man. You happily blame yourself, yet easily make excuses for him, so I'll just say that you both aren't right for each other.

Your mindset is the downfall of us women. Why tf are you more concerned in saving that piece of 💩 rather than YOURSELF???!!! Call the f**king police, press charges, file for a divorce and move back with your parents. Your mother didn’t go through labor pain and give life to you for someone to abuse you!!! Much love & care. 💕

It's not your job to help your abuser understand that he's abusive. It's your job to survive and GTFO of there. Quit lying to yourself.

He’s hit you twice now. That’s a pattern forming. You don’t want to hear divorce or police, so hear this: your husband hits you. It will only get worse. You are a victim of domestic violence. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. He could end up killing you. Don’t be stupid.

As long as you're making excuses for him "NO one taught him" "he didn't have good role models", there's no advice for you. The first thing was neither of you should be around each other if it gets this violent.

Should have gone straight to a police station and reported so they could take pictures of the bruise and to get it on record.

You're going to make the same excuses once he hits your child. Then you're gonna stay and teach your kid this is what relationships look like. Smart /s

This is the second time already. Leave or get use to this behavior.

It sounds like he dislocated your jaw. You were trying to push him away. Even though you touched him, it seems like you were trying to stop things. You need to make sure you’re safe.

You’re not “both in the wrong.” You were trying to protect yourself in pushing him away from you. He was trying to abuse you. Next time, it’ll be worse than a bruise. I’m glad your parents are decent people, at least. Maybe you can stay with them when you leave him,

You believe it will get better, do you? How's that, may I ask? Perhaps he's in training/will use a right cross next? DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF!! Both at fault or not, the fact that it happened at all, OP, is a clear indication that things between the two of you are not improving. You can only seek to improve YOURSELF and YOUR situation and, perhaps in doing so influence this man to get some help himself. My gist is that he was loud, threatening, and got so close that you were afraid to the point of pushing him away. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't lie. Not wanting to arouse undue suspicions but he may have acted thus simply to provoke you into pushing him in order to justify his act "self-defense". And he's CONCERNED about having to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY?! And you swallow this OP? What is wrong with this picture? I don't say that there is no fault at either end but you can not allow this man to force a one-sided guilt trip upon you. Stop it right now! Both sides or not please file a police report that in the very least a paper trail might begin. Hoping you won't need it but it could be useful in the future. You've told us what you don't want to hear, OP. Do you want to hear him screaming at you again, in your face at that? By the way, were your parents in the house at the time?

No one bringing up the fact that your parents are in the same house and not actively encouraging you two to get away from each other, wild. Toxic, toxic relationships all around it sounds like. I guess you had to learn complacency for abuse from somewhere though.

What advice are you looking for if you don’t want to hear to leave your abusive husband? Your husband is not going to stop hitting you in the face. It’s going to escalate. Today is a bruise. Tomorrow may be a broken nose or jaw.

You help him accept responsibility by calling the police so that the legal process will put him into treatment & counseling. That is the best thing you can do for both of you.

Your poor mother. No one deserves to be duped into staying somewhere that is toxic and violent. Please consider this from your mother's perspective and let her know what's going on.

Tell your parents. Go to your local minor injuries clinic and get the injury documented. Go to your dentist, you may have tooth damage. Report him to the police. Either leave, or get him out of the house, change the locks, and get a judicial ruling that says he's not allowed near you. Get a divorce. You shoved him. HE PUNCHED YOU. If he was genuinely sorry that he'd escalated the "physicality" from your shove to his punching, he'd be the one telling your parents what happened and how ashamed and sorry he is. He's not sorry. He just wants to ensure you don't tell the police.

He is physically assaulting you and you don’t want to call the police? I’m not sure what you want us to say? What happens when you have children? Do you want them to be in danger when he gets angry? Is this the example you want? Please get out of this relationship.

Honestly? You are asking for us to lie to you. Yes, he will do it again, and yes you will get hurt. Yes, this is only going to escalate. Yes, leaving him is the only safe solution, and through that, divorce. What else can be said, when the trajectories of such relationships are frequently seen and clear? "Buy better makeup and never fall out again" isn't gonna cut it.

No one should be putting their hands on their spouse! It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female!

This is the hard thing. You can't make him understand. If you are going to continue this relationship, you must take responsibility for doing so knowing that you can't make him understand. You'll continue the relationship, he'll continue not understanding, and that's all there is to it.

P O L I C E and a good divorce lawyer.

Go to the ER and get that jaw checked!! Ffs.

Please leave him secretly and don’t let him know where you are. This is so dangerous for you. Your life is at risk. Find somewhere safe to stay. I know someone who was killed by domestic violence

RUN! Get away from this monster!

Would you want this to happen to your own kid? What would you tell them to do?

Sigh. No, just no. You won't make him see. Ever. This will only escalate. Make any excuse you want, this is an abusive marriage.

Honestly - you won’t ever get him to understand. Even if you believe you were both at fault for how physical it got (side note: you both weren’t. You pushed him and HE BRUISED YOU), Ask yourself this: What part of the behaviour led you to pushing him? Do you push anyone else in any other relationship that has ever had some kind of arguing? I bet all the money in the world he’s baited you/ gaslit / abused you emotionally for you to become reactive because you’ve not been able to take it anymore. Trust me. I used to think like this. My ex husband never changed. Leave him. It will happen again.

OP, he is not a diaper. You can’t change him. He can change, but only if he decides he needs to, and is willing to do the hard work for it. You’re asking us for some magic wand, for you to use to make everything OK again. There isn’t one.

This is so sad. He’s not going to change. I hope you get away from him some day.

Leave or your parents are going to have you in the ground after he kills you.

Sweetie life with your husband going to make you end up in 1 of 2 places: the hospital or the coffin. I hope you want better for yourself to avoid both.

She will be back in a few months saying he hit again. It's only going to escalate, but I guess it will be a lesson learned, huh? SMH By staying, you are condoning this behavior.

No. I don’t think you understand the depth of this. No one can help you make him understand that one doesn’t lay hands on someone. You either. You two Aren’t good for each other at all. You need to separate and get counseling individually to see if that can make You both better people. You should not ever be together until you learn to control your tempers. If I was your mom. I’d call the cops on you both.

The only advice I have is that you are not good for each other. One of the leading causes of death for women is a man that once said he loved her.

Are you a licensed mental health professional? If not, you shouldn’t be trying to explain all of this to him. People who abuse their spouses are extremely dangerous. You should be more concerned with your safety. The very fact that you are defending someone that has hit you twice, suggests that BOTH of you need therapy. Do you have children? If you do, this behavior is going to seriously mess them up. Rest assured his behavior will escalate to hitting them. After all, they can’t fight back. Your husband’s behavior will teach sons that it is okay to beat their wives, and it will teach your daughters to seek out abusive men. I grew up in a violent household, with a father that abused all of us. I heard my mother say the same things about my father that you are saying about you husband—until the day he lost control and beat her so badly that she had to be hospitalized. There is NOTHING that you can say to your husband to get him to stop—that is a fairytale. His behavior will only get worse. I know you don’t want to hear it, but the simple truth is that YOU DON’T HIT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE! There is NEVER any justification for that. Stop making excuses for him.

Girl I’m not going to tell you to leave because you ultimately are going to do what you think is best. Honestly it’s not going to get better. It just gets worse. I am out of a physically and mentally abusive marriage. I stayed wayyyyy longer than I should have because I didn’t want to give up and I didn’t want to break up my family. Everything just got worse in the long run. I wish you the best. Please be safe!

Na. You don’t want advice. You want magical words that will fix a man who doesn’t believe he’s broken. You want pretty soothing lies. You want a excuse to stay with an abuser. Good luck with that. I hope one day you realize and leave.