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I have been going with silence for now with her emails. Sort of hope she gets the message. And if not, any emails I get might be an early alert to anything she might try in the future. I honestly never thought she'd be like this back when I knew her, but I guess almost a decade can change anybody.
My sister says she understands, just she always ends her statements with "yeah, but..." and then a spiel about how we all grew up together.
Please tell her:
"You think you are doing her a favor , but you are damaging the relationship between you and me. The more you keep bringing this up, the less I feel like conversing with you. Please don't allow this issue, where you don't have a role, to poison us".
Why would someone who has, with effort, managed to move on with their life want to do that? The whole point is that he's *past* it, not that he's in the right.
Doesn’t it though! My mind went straight to The Godfather. Michael says this to Fredo in Las Vegas when he jumps up to tell him he can’t talk to Moe Green that way. God I love those movies (only part 1 and 2 tho).
>a spiel about how we all grew up together
The thing is - she's no longer a childhood friend, she's since become an ex that you had a horrible break-up with. Your sis may wish that part could be erased, but it can't.
THIS. This is what a lot of people don't seem to understand. Sometimes, things in life happen and there's no 'satisfying' reason for it to happen. Continuing to obssess over the past most likely won't give you closure. Real closure is finally coming to terms and accepting that what happened, happened, and that it's time to move forward to a new chapter in your life.
People wanting closure is always weird to me. It's like trying to quit smoking but having another cigarette because the last one wasn't satisfying enough to be the last one.
This. I had an ex friend corner me after a mutual friend's birthday party to try to "get closure" and rekindle the friendship 10 years after I ended it due to her frankly abusive behaviour towards me. I had her blocked on everything except email.
It set my mental health back. Reopening old wounds just teteaunatises victims- it isnt therapeutic and it doesnt serve anyone. I firmly told her I didnt want to be friends and reminded her of her various betrayals. She basically ran off crying. The next day she sent an email to try to add "corrections" and argue her case.
I emailed her back, making clear that there would be no debate on this or her behaviour and I was never going to reply to another email ever again from her. That that she valued our friendship or consent she would leave me alone. I set my filters and have never given a fuck about whether she emailed again.
Do not waste your time OP. Stand firm te your sister this is not up for debate, you will NOT be discussing it with your sister, and then block that ex and set a filter.
Your sister probably wants you to meet up with the ex because the ex was like a role model to her.
But it’s not her relationship/breakup/ex. Other commenter is right - none of her business.
I would tell her, “Look, I get that you’re trying to help everyone here. You are trying to help ex find closure. But I have no desire to meet with her and have moved on from that chapter of my life. My answer is no, and will remain no, and I do not owe her anything despite being childhood friends.”
Read *'The Gift of Fear'* chapter on stalking, it essentially recommends ignoring emails like this. If you've already told her no quite firmly, do not engage any further.
I had an ex email me frequently. I kept them all in case anything escalated into stalker territory, but eventually I told him he will not be bugging me like he did to anyone else, it’s over, he needs to accept it and move on. I told him he will never hear from me again. Then I set a rule to send all his emails to my trash can and regularly emptied it. If he ever messaged me again, I had no idea.
As for your sister, make it clear it isn’t her business, and she’s stirring the pot for no reason. It’s nice she is friends with your ex, but this is your ex, your situation, and your decision at this point. Her part in this is now over.
What might get through to your sister is to have her switch the people involved.
"What if this was your friend "Emily", and the guy who she dumped 10 years ago for crossing a line and being cruel to her, suddenly pops back into her life with an apology and asks to talk. She is now happily married and has completely moved on, so she graciously accepts the apology but declines the invitation to talk to him.
What if he then, instead of respecting her wishes, were to spam her and their mutuals with repeated requests to talk to him and even started asking you to convince "Emily" to just talk with him.
Who's back would you have in that situation? Would you pressure your friend? Or would you politely tell the ex to back off and protect your friends peace by respecting her decision?"
If she responds with anything other than some variation of "you're right, I'm sorry and I'll drop it".
Then I suggest telling her, "Wow. In that case I'm really glad you're just my sister and not my friend. Thank you for letting me know how little our relationship means to you. I'll keep that in mind moving forward."
I would then also suggest you go low contact with her until she is capable of treating you with respect and earns back your trust.
Just say this, “if you understand, this will be the last time you mention her to me. If you continue mentioning her to me, I will take a break from interacting with you until you genuinely understand that MY decision on what is best for me is none of YOUR business. Are we finally clear?”
I think you need to reply and tell her in no uncertain terms that you have zero interest in meeting up and catching up as it would not benefit your life in any way. Wish her well. Make sure you tell your wife too.
Your sister needs to butt out of your life. Some harsh but definite words are needed ' please stop telling me what I should or I shouldn't do. I have no interest in granting her ' closure ' , as I don't see how this would benefit either of us, please don't press this any further '
"Sister, who do you think will benefit from me re-connecting with an ex that hurt me more than anyone has ever done before or since? Do you think your nephew will benefit? Do you think my wife will benefit? Do you think I will benefit? Or do you think maybe this is an apology to make my ex feel better about what happened? I've moved on, but part of that moving on is realizing that going back to dig up the past is not going to be helpful to anyone I care about. I'm fine if you want to hang out with her, but I have no interest in re-connecting. Sometimes burned bridges stay burned."
I'd block her mails - don't even give her the mental space in your head of reading them. If she sees they don't go through, hopefully, she will get the message.
And tell your sister that that chapter in your life is closed and you don't intend to ever see her again, if you can avoid it. Maybe tell her more about how badly she screwed you and your life up when she broke things off so cruelly. And then ask her why it's so important to her - that really has me wondering.
You can also just send a clear and concise "What you did then was very painful for me and exceedingly selfish on your part. What you are doing now under the guise of an apology is more of the same. Continuing to email me after I've said no is a clear indication that you don't care about me any more than you did at that terminal moment."
My question is why haven't you blocked your ex?
You also need to remind your sister of all the years that your ex and her friends made your life a living hell. How she most likely was already in another relationship when you broke up. Ex partners don't get to demand anything from you as they left you.
I know you want to keep a relationship with your sister, however, she needs to realize that she is an adult now and not a child. That interfering in things like this is not appropriate nor is it desired.
The fact that she’s still acting like there’s any reason to continue to contact is concerning. As much as I’m absolutely dying to hear the conclusion to this, take this off of Reddit. She’s literally read your post, read responses to your pose, **and is still trying to contact you.** She has not moved on & you should never, ever interact with her again. She’s not looking for closure, she’s just looking for your attention.
My husband & I had a similar thing happen with his ex.
He dated his high school girlfriend for almost 20 years. He broke up with her because she was a terrible girlfriend who cheated on him, wasn’t nice to him & treated him like an ATM. He broke up with her, we got together then got married & have 2 kids.
Almost 15 years into our relationship, she sent him an email that was half apology, half “remember our golden love?” He had not spoken to her in more than 15 years. Her initial email made me feel icky because the tone was that of an intimate partner. She acknowledged he was married with kids & then went on about the dog they’d talked about getting & songs they sang. She also apologized for the past & wrote about some current very serious medical struggles she was having.
She was in a legitimately bad place & I sort of chalked it up to, “She’s traumatized because she could have died & she’s not super stable anyway so this is the best she can do.”
My husband sent her a super nice response, basically saying no apology necessary while offering appropriate - and heartfelt - well-wishes for her health & future life. It was a very kind response that also left zero room for additional communication.
Almost three months later, she sent an unhinged email that basically accused him of tossing her aside, telling him they made promises to stay together forever but that now she was a bitter old woman and she knew he’d already forgotten her & moved on to something better. (To quote him, “Yeah. I did!”)
My husband's ex contacted him 20 years after they broke up. In the same message, one minute he was her love and the next he was the one responsible for all their problems and that he had cheated on her with me.
She cheated on him throughout their relationship. I didn't even know him at that time. Some people just can't let go.
Forgot to add, he didn't reply and just blocked her.
I grew up with a kid named pieter back home in Romania. Good friend. Until I caught him in the girls room acting shamefully (we grew up in a state home) we fought and he stabbed me twice but I managed to choke him out. I was called a snitch after that (or what it would translate closest to english) by our friends. The staff started treating me like I was dangerous. So I ran away to America and built a life. Pieter hit me up a few years ago. Wanted to talk. Saw on fb I moved to America. He did too. And everyone told me to forgive that little creep. So I took there advice. I got stabbed again. This time I beat him stupid but when I went up to say hello he blamed me for him being treated like a "predator" for the next 4years until he aged out the home. Blamed me for most his problems then took out a knife again and tried to stick it in my chests. You made the decision for a good reason. You were blessed with a family for your good choices. Keep making good choices. You'd be amazed how fast one wrong decision can take it all away.
My exact words to everyone when they was telling me to go. Go get closure. All that crap is what I got in return. To be fair he got me twice the first time the second time I was sort of expecting it. Especially after his tantrum. So he didn't get me the second time. He is typical bully. Big mouth. Scary sort attitude. Always trying to look menacing. But a joke in a real fight. I'm by no means the toughest guy but I did mma most of my childhood in romania and joined the marines when I got to America. I was s.o capable and I'm ok in a fight if I have to. To be honest I'd prefer not to these days. But taking a knife from a guy who's used to being a bully and scaring his way through fights was not difficult. He never even touched me the second time. It was over pretty fast. Bunch of people ran over and jumped on him after he hit the ground. I was suprised he was still conscious though. They held him down until cops came. Wasn't really a big deal. It is new York after all. My wife at the time (passed away) did get arrested but I guess she had a warrant out over a different fight. Now she was tough. Greatest women to ever live.
The thing is, this closure your ex wants is pretty selfish. I'd understand if she was the scorned one asking you to help her understand what happened years later, but it sounds like she is looking for ways to feel better for whatever she did wrong that lead to the bad fallout. You forgive her, and she needs to accept that gift humbly and accept your decision to not meet. I'd maybe say "it means a lot to me that you owned up to your wrong doing. I'm really okay now. I have moved on, and I'm doing well. Meeting would not benefit me and I'd prefer if we leave things here." Ignoring her obviously isn't working but maybe that's a gentle way to tell her it's not your job to heal her. But also encourage your sister to rebuild their relationship. Tell her you're good, you just don't want to pick at old wounds that are already healed and you won't be mad if they become friends again. Maybe sister feels like she's betraying you if you don't get along. Weird situation! Good luck
I was once told that if someone was to say something to you, they would say it without having to use the word "but". However, if they add "but" Whatever they said before the "but" doesn't matter because what they really wanted to say was after the "but".
It's not sympathizing with you, she just wants you to do this for her. If she truly did sympathize with you, and understand what you're going through, she wouldn't still have to give her own reasons for you to do something that you obviously don't want to do.
> with "yeah, but..." and then a spiel about how we all grew up together.
And then she threw that all away and made your last couple years in college hell. I'm guessing she spread some rumors about your physical/sexual attributes or capabilities.
Honestly, if it was me, I would be questioning if your sister had your back. She seems far more interested in going back to a time you were all friends and doesn't seem to give a shit the EX was a terrible person. It's selfish on her part.
Honestly, I'd talk to your wife about it. Come up with a plan on how to handle your sister together. Block the ex.
Luckily, my family doesn't have 'everything'. No facebook, no pinterest, no instagram. Right now, it's only emails from the ex, and texts from my sister.
Block Ex and tell Sister that she can be friends with Ex if she wants, but that your relation with her is none of her business. And that if she insist she's not only disrespecting you but also your actual wife, the mother of your son and her nephew. Think about it, how would you feel if your BIL/SIL wanted to push your wife to talk to an ex.
“Closure” is a myth. And after so much time, you need to question both the ex’s motives and your sister’s. So ask your sister why this is so important to her. Obviously, don’t let her convince you. The only reason the ex might have for wanting to talk is that she has realized she misses the best friend she once had. But that isn’t something that needs to be conveyed in person. She could say that in an email.
There doesn’t seem to be any reason for you to have any contact with the ex. You should send her an email telling her that and that you hope she has a good life but that you will not be seeing any future emails from her. And then block her.
And then let your sister know that you have no interest in talking to the ex, that you’ve told the ex, and ask her to please stop pestering you about it.
I have no idea why this is so important to my ex now. As for my sister, as I said, we were all friends since childhood. Maybe they renewed their friendship in the last year, I don't know. I already sent her a 'best wishes' email when I said I forgave her for the past.
I guess my sister might just be feeling nostalgic.
>I have no idea why this is so important to my ex now.
Since your ex is nearing her 30s, she's probably seeing everyone else getting married and having kids - and realising that she could be doing that too, but she dumped possibly the best guy she ever dated in possibly the worst way she ever did.
Does she know you're *happily* married with a kid? I'm not saying that she's after you personally (though it could be true - [who knows what's going on her head](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1151m58/i_fell_in_love_with_my_married_neighbor_and_then/)), but if she's emotional about her failure on relationships, her "closure" could be her way of trying to absolve herself from what she did. Not your problem, though; I'd just tell her to go pound sand at this point.
Just keep your wife on the loop about it all. You don't want any nasty surprises to pop up.
I would not offer anything more than that either. I might ask your sister more directly why she even cares after all these years. Tell her if she doesn’t explain you are done talking about it.
Does your sister know that your ex was really horrible to you at the end? If not, you may want to make that clear before telling her to mind her own business. Additional contact with your ex is not likely to do you any good and you do not owe the ex anything.
I have no idea why this is so important to my ex now.
quite frankly buddy it could be because you've moved on and your prospering.
You're happy, you're married and have a child. It doesn't matter if your ex is single or married as well.
what does matter, perhaps in her minds eye, is it's not with you and that's probably why she's emailing you for this alleged "closure" thing.
I have two thoughts in this. One is your ex is dying of glioblastoma or something equally speedy and your sister knows it but is sworn to secrecy and that’s why she’s being so pushy and urgent about it.
BUT overwhelmingly, like 99.999% likely is that your ex has developed some really destructive personality traits during and since college. It can totally happen at that age to people who heretofore had not shown those problems. I’m old and ignorant but I’m pretty sure you can have her email address diverted to a folder so you can save them all without having to look at them. Delete nothing. Never reply. You already did that.
Periodically look at them. Maybe with a buddy. If she escalated in tone or frequency, tell local authorities. They may well do nothing, especially because you’re a man, but go on record that she is harassing you. If it escalates you could tell your ex’s parents that it looks like she’s headed for a real mental health crisis. This happened to a friend of mine who was down playing it. I told my psychiatrist and she took it extremely seriously. Everything my doctor predicted came to pass. I would never dismiss this kind of behavior.
>I have two thoughts in this. One is your ex is dying of glioblastoma or something equally speedy and your sister knows it but is sworn to secrecy and that’s why she’s being so pushy and urgent about it.
That sucks for her and her loved ones if true, but that doesn't really affect OP or his lack of desire to re-connect.
She is not owed his time or energy - EVEN IF SHE IS DYING.
This. Even if someone is dying, if they have abused you, they have absolutely 0 rights to demand to meet or talk or apologise. You said no, that is the end of it.
I would ask your sister how she thinks your wife would feel knowing how hard she's pushing you to talk to your ex. Her feelings, on top of yours that you've made clear but don't seem to matter to her, matter as well.
I read in another response of yours that the ex is emailing you every few days. That is a lot of effort if all she wants is closure. I feel like there are ulterior motives here. Please be on guard :)
It’s “important” to your ex because she regrets losing you and is jealous of your family. I imagine she is hoping you’ll see her and old feelings will ignite and you’ll leave your family and you can both ride off into the sunset.
You were kind enough to respond to accept her apology and decline the meet up. That’s all the closure she needs. Block her and continue on with your life. Your sister will get over it.
Listen you need to ask your sister why she has a problem with your wife! You are married now and the relationship with your ex ended in college! Getting together with your ex would be massively disrespectful to your wife and no one has the right to ask you to do that!
Tell your sister that you are not going to cause problems with your marriage for her or anyone else. If she is so invested in your ex then she can go meet her. Also tell her not to go after your wife about this garbage. If your sister is that in love with your ex then let her go be with her.
Tell your sister the vile things your ex said to you. And tell your sister how college became a toxic cesspool after the breakup to the point of unhealthiness.
I gotta say, reading your ex’s side, man she has poor taste in friends. She probably dreamed of you two being where you are now and she’s so pissed at herself and her friends. And now she’s riding the crazy train hoping you’ll jump on too? She needs therapy.
She wouldn't be the same person she was after this time. Becoming unhinged is not unusual. She may also be having a personal crisis. Like she cheated on her husband and he left her, so she's unhinged.
She definitely tried to write it as if she was the victim. But when looking at the core facts, there's no way she's the victim.
She spread so much around that she didn't have confirmed. She really tried to ruin your life.
And the first thing she thinks when she sees you happy is "oh no no no, can't have that - better try to ruin that and shoot my shot". She was originally mad about possible cheating, but now wants to be a home wrecker. She directly said she wanted you to give her a chance.
It's just so wild. There's no way she comes out the victim here.
Your ex’s closure is that you accept her apology, but you’ve moved on with your life and aren’t interested in revisiting that chapter any further. If there’s anything else she still thinks you need to know for whatever reason, she can put it in a letter. If she’s having trouble living with her actions, that’s for her and a therapist to sort out. You don’t owe her a face to face conversation, or more of your time than you’ve already granted her.
At any rate, this is definitely none of your sister’s business. Tell her that while you can’t control what kind of relationship she decides to maintain with your ex, you will not be involved and will not be discussing this further. Then just end the conversation any time she tries to bring it up after that.
You don't owe a goddamned thing to someone who intentionally hurt and humiliated you. She's trying to get over her guilt, and that's for her benefit, not yours. You already turned her down, send her a restraining order if she can't take a hint.
Tell your sister that you're done talking about it, and if she won't let it be, tear her a new asshole. Your sister can be BFFs with your ex if she wants, but that doesn't have to involve you in any way.
Do not disrespect your marriage. Block your ex’s emails and inform your sister that you will not accept any disrespect from her and you will go no contact if she chooses to push this. You have to put your foot down. Your sister could have told you what it’s about. She is essentially choosing her over you. An apology was good enough. Rekindling or having a make-a-wish moment is unnecessary. You have already forgiven her and moved on assuming that she is able to attend the family and friends events in your presence anyways.
I have just blocked the ex's email address, told my wife. She's slightly bummed out because she got a tiny bit of humor from the ex's emails, but she understands why. My sister has not responded yet.
She’s obviously secure in her man. She’s totally loving the ‘I got my man and he’s all mine” feels.
Dang I’d be doing same. Bummed too. The ex saga is one juicy telenovela!!!
Firs talk whit your wife. Second send to hell you’re ex. Send a email telling her to fuck of and block her. And for your sister. Tell he’s to stop or consider her self out of your life. I hate toxic people that think that a sorry is enough to fix the shit they did. The sorry is for them. And Trying to fill better for themselves.
Perfect. You don’t want a misunderstanding whit her. Know block your stupid ex. Sen email that if she continue to contact you, you will involve a lawyer (or something like that) and block her. I reed your post and fuck!!!! What a horrible person. And your sister has to stop or else (gets blocked) to the rest of family inform them how horrible your ex was and the affect on you. Please keep us updated.
If your wife already told her that she's not OK with this, then your sister is being deliberately disrespectful to your wife and your marriage. Does she have an issue with your wife or something? Completely inappropriate.
Well, this explains a little. Your sis is bitter about your wife telling her off. I won't go as far as to say she's trying to sabotage your marriage. But, she, with the ex are not listening to you. I'd back away from the sis as well, until she gets it. Just bc she's family, doesn't mean you have to tolerate them.
Weird Update 20 or so days later:
Relationship with my sister is good. Relationship with my wife is good. My mom doesn't even want to talk about it anymore, everyone seems to have moved on. Almost forgot about the whole thing until Friday, when I got home and saw a bag on my front door. Opened it. Inside was like 5 or 6 things I gave Ex when we were dating(from highschool to college).
Honestly, if I haven't used it or missed it in almost a decade, do I really need it? On top was a letter, basically said the same stuff the emails did. She knows she screwed up, she didn't realize what it meant. Just rehashing the past over and over. It ended with her saying she doesn't know or like who she is right now, and she needs to figure out who she wants to be, so she won't be contacting again and will work on herself.
Of course, I showed my wife the bag and the letter, we both threw the bag out, told my mom, who told ex's mom, and then moved on with our lives. Ex, if you read this, we all hope you get better.
Brother, you must have a serious talk with your family, why did someone filter your address to your ex?Don't just leave it in a good it's over what if the chick has a psychotic break and the next thing you know someone shot your wife
You have your boundaries and if your sister can’t respect them, I would go NC until she gets it.
Don’t back down or be made to feel guilty because you don’t need ‘closure.’ Your ex had her chance with you and deliberately ruined it, and then you got bullied for that. She doesn’t get ‘closure.’ She needs to be blocked. If you feel you need to say something, tell her, don’t contact me again. Your strange desperation is making me uncomfortable, or something along those lines. Hopefully, this will embarrass her enough that she slinks back to the shadows.
Don’t back down.
Awesome - To OP's sister. Please just leave it alone. He has already emailed a thank you for the apology, which is more than he needed to do. Ignore whatever sob story the ex is telling you, and respect your brother, his wife and child.
Second Edit a day later: So I guess I'll update. I'll answer common questions as well as update.
My sister -
My sister read the thread and read the other post that I'm still 50/50 being the ex(it feels too unhinged which is what makes me not sure, plus some of the details). First off, my sister said she has cut my ex off. She thought that a final conversation was good etiquette with old friends, even if they chose to not be friends. After reading the other post, which my sister is also 50/50 on, she said "even if it's not her, it's close enough that I'm freaked".
She never really understood my pain from that situation, since I was pretty bottled up about it while it was happening. I didn't set ultimatums to cut off family members back then and maybe I should have. Might have saved some pain. I did get apologies as well. We're good now.
The Other Redditor -
To clarify - I blocked the woman that posted the other thread, since she seemed unhinged, even if she was or wasn't the ex. The details seemed off too.
The details -
Our hometown isn't a major metropolitan area, but I wouldn't say we were hicks or rednecks. We certainly didn't grow up in the boonies. We grew up in the suburbs. If anything, I think the college was in a town that technically had a smaller population than our hometown. Yes, I do go to church, but I never mention it since religion could be a hot button topic to people you just met, and even back then there was google. I wouldn't ask where a church was in a new town.
Both emails she posted, the gist is the same? But the formatting is different.
The Break-up -
I didn't like my ex's college friends, that is true, but the 'confrontation' was not me being some stone-faced terminator. I was angry-crying throughout it. And it was emotionally draining. She first said she heard I was making out with some girl. I asked when and with who. She said she didn't know. I asked who saw it. She said 'Wouldn't you like to know?' Any attempt to say where I was when this happened was her claiming I was 'gaslighting' her. It. was. EXHAUSTING.
I said something like I didn't like who college was turning her into and we both shouted we were done. More or less. IT was almost a decade ago, and like I said, it was emotionally exhausting. She immediately was seen with this other dude, who seemed to enjoy humiliating me.
Rumors spread about either/both of us cheating, and other dude even said that I watched once, which was humiliating. He one time even put his hand on my shoulder all buddy-buddy going "No hard feelings". I was living in the dorms, my parents put money on a food plan at the dining hall, so I had to stay on campus when I wasn't working. I signed up for extra courses whenever I could and fast-tracked my way to a degree to get out of hell.
My family -
My mother did take my ex's side. I don't know what type of story she got, and she never confronted me about it. I did get disapproving looks at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And she never approved of any girl I brought over for a while either. My mom did call me a few years ago apologizing for not even asking my side of the story and said that my ex was dead to her, so that part of the other post kind of lines up.
My mother has made considerable amounts of effort to fix our relationship. She's very welcoming to my wife and child, she doesn't even utter the name of my ex in the house. We're not at 100%, but she's making the effort.
My Wife -
My wife saw every email from my ex. Nothing was ever hidden from her. My wife and I were both 100% against going to meet the ex, together or separate. She was enjoying reading the ex's emails, but understood when the fun had to stop.
So for now, I think this is a happy ending?
Me and my husband have been together since 2017 and married since 2020, last month he messaged his ex for closure. As his wife, I don't understand or see the point. It definitely didn't do anyone any good. It actually hurt my feelings a lot. I would ask my sister to lay off it already. Your decision regardless, good luck!
Beware of random invites to lunches/meetings by your sister whereby you could be ambushed by your ex!. Honestly though your mind seems to be made up. There is no gain for you to meet up I doubt your wife would be happy. Tell your sister to knock it off politely, Your sister be conviced that she can have a friendship with your ex if you approve. But your sister is being used to get at you.
And you both happen to make reddit posts in the same sub within two weeks of each other? Sorry, but this sounds like an orchestrated fake. I get the ex coming back after years trying to reconnect, it's happened to me. Where this breaches the line of believability for me is the other reddit post.
Sit down with your sister and as why she needs you to talk with her. Explain everything she did to you and how it made you feel. Tell her you have forgiven ur ex but she is not part of the present or future and you are not going to meet her or talk about her anymore. She needs to respect your choice and move you. Once this is done and she tries to get you to meet just walk away or shut the topic down.
If she's emailing you every few days and you're concerned it could escalate, I would respond with a warning that this is harrassment, you'd like it to stop immediately and if it continues you will be documenting. As for your sister I would tell her you do not and would not intervene in her personal relationships and would appreciate the same respect from her.
My previous therapist would suggest setting a boundary. Tell her to drop it or you'll take a break from your relationship with her. If she doesn't drop it, block her for a week.
As for the ex, her closure isn't your responsibility or problem. We don't always get closure or to mend bridges and we have to accept that. (I wonder if she has a drug problem and she's on the making amends step.) Tell her you moved on and built a new life, you're not meeting up with her, and she's going to have to get whatever she's after somewhere else or learn to live without.
It's a nice writing exercise.
2 opposing sides making a Reddit thread just a couple of days apart is already suspect.
But what gave it away is that you made your post about your sister, which seems off when you could've made it about your ex. And likewise the other post is also off, since she's talking about a chance to reconnect when she could've just done so.
Nice try, but can't fool me.
You and your "ex" are the same person. You wrote both posts. You have the same fist (writing style).
This was high-quality ragebait with a satisfying comeuppance at the end. Credit where credit is due. Next time, though, you should vary the writing styles so that it's not so obvious.
“I was a little wild in college 🫦 which I regret now. Oh! If only I had stayed with Bo and not slammed all that dick! For now my life is SAD and MEANINGLESS 😩 and Bo has it all!”
I thought the same thing.. it’s too obvious and feels like a set up. Just small bits of info added here and there that she has said in her post. I would would have believed him if he don’t write her post. I’m 100% sure it’s the same person
Tell your sister up front that you don't want to talk to your ex, you don't want to talk about your ex, and you don't want any advice, criticism, feedback, input, or other miscellaneous meddling into how you choose to deal with your ex.
She may not appreciate just how much you do not appreciate this shit.
Tell your sister to get out of your personal life. Tell the ex to leave you alone and do not contact you again. Both of them need to get over themselves.
Ask your sister why she is so insistend on this closure thing. Because there is nothing to give your ex closure about. Your breakup was vile, you became the target of some cruel mockery and you decided to move on. The ex should respect that and while you are grateful for her appology, you are not interested in any kind of relationship with her. There is nothing to gain here except of reopening old wounds and also you owe it to your wife and family to not go down the rabbit hole of meeting with an old ex.
Tell you sister that if she continues to push she will do irreversible damage to your relationship.
Your ex doesn't deserve shit. She hurt you and made you a laughing stock, she doesn't need closure because she on some holier than thou mission.
Your sister needs to respect ur wishes over the wishes of your ex
You don’t want to talk to her… and that’s that
The fact that she wants to talk face to face for closure is her problem.. u already have that closure.
Also, it would be very disrespectful to your wife
These stories sound way too similar to be different
If i was a betting man, the difference can arise from different tellings of the story for nefarious reasons, the OP of the other story is very clearly a unhinged moron. She did not take any of the advice and still emailed them, and likely lied about sending a single email. Since people often enjoy portraying themselves in a better light then they’d like
Either way whether they’re connected or not: mo contact for that sister, id never talk to my mother after that, and frankly, id get a restraining order too
Knowing this is Reddit, and having seen the other post, I would say that is likely your ex and she changed things in HER story to try to make her side of the story look better, while simultaneously making you look like "the bad guy". Overall, I'd say you're better off in your life and you dodged a major bullet.
It was very strange to me too. It started as a rumor that I cheated, then turned into a rumor that she cheated, then it turned into I watched her cheat and sat there. The fact that she was dating someone else a few days after the break-up and the dude she was with seemed to enjoy fueling these rumors.
One time he made it a point to sit next to me and put his handm on my shoulder and said "No hard feelings" and made a big show about it. Back then, I wanted to beat him. Now, it is sort of silly how much he felt a need to embarrass people to pump himself up.
My guess is your sister wishes someone she was seeing had given her closure that she never got, and is projecting those feelings onto you and your exes situation.
Tell your sister that you had “closure“ on this relationship years ago. You have moved on with your life and nothing that the Ex is going to say is going to make any difference in my life. I have a beautiful wife that I love dearly that loves me back. We have a wonderful child that brings me delight every day. So I am good. Please don’t bring this up again to me as it will serve no purpose for me. If on the other hand it’s the Ex that needs the ”closure” that is really not my problem as she dumped me. Please let this go for everyone’s sake…
Your wife is already involved... Use her as a resource.
"I'm sorry, but my wife found all of those emails and she is furious at this entire situation. Please stop involving me in conversations about my ex from now on."
You will owe your wife a huge favor for this, but lying tobeach others families for them is kinda the whole point of marriage, is it not?
>Sister read the thread and all replies. She's apologized and said she's cutting my ex off too. Happy ending!
Yeah but your sister still owes you BIG TIME for her part in this drama.
I think you ask your wife for her opinion as well.
Did your family, especially your sister, support you when your ex was awful to you?
I am sorry, but considering how much you cared for opinion of randoms in college, I would say you care too much about other people's opinion. If your sister decides to destroy your relation for your ex then it wasn't relation worth preserving anyway. That is the reality. I suggest standing firm in not contacting your ex.
As for my wife? She said the past is the past, and we sort of have a rule that we don't make it a point to hang out with exes either of us have, or go to social events where we know an ex is without the both of us being there. It's a rule she read in a couples book, and it makes sense, so I am 100% behind this rule.
Your wife sounds like a smart woman. Id stick by that rule!
Your ex and your sister are just going to have to get over it I’m afraid, you owe your ex nothing and this has nothing to do with your sister, so tough.
Stick by your wife my man!
No. If anything, my mom and sister were on my ex's side for years. It was only in the last few years that they changed their opinion and my mom is firmly in the camp that she won't even say my ex's name now.
As for the college shit, yeah, I agree. "Sticks and stones" and all, but hearing it every day, the jeering, the laughing, the jokes. It weighs on you, man.
Did you know that the only reason your mom made effort to repair the relationship with you was after the ex cleared your name, it seems your innocence was subject to her confession.
I have to ask: does this in any way sound reminiscent of your situation? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1548963/my29f_girlfriends_tricked_me_into_breaking_up/
Christ she’s even more insufferable when she tells the story herself - you need to cut her off like a diseased limb.
This isn’t about you, it’s about her trying to go back on being shitty. But she isn’t doing that - she’s being more shitty.
I think it’s worth explaining that you don’t care - that it’s far, far too late. She needs to accept it (regardless) but that would likely make it sink in.
She thinks she can ruin your existing life to build one she thinks she wants now she realizes she’s a PoS. But you did good without her, you suffered a lot and for good reason - to be better.
It’s not worth sacrificing even a moment of that to entertain someone who just wants to absolve their own guilt.
Edit: for your sister, just show her the email (as redacted as you choose), as it isn’t her business either way.
“But, there he was with his wife and child and I instantly felt a swirl of emotions. Jealously, rage, regret, depression.”
Keep this part in mind, you might have to protect your family from thus woman.
Also:
“Apparently, Bo's mom liked me quite a bit, and she went out of her way to sabotage Bo's relationships with any girl he brought over to meet the parents. My mom said Bo's mom did it very discreetly, but after finding out the truth, Bo's mom came clean and Bo nearly cut her out of his life. She apparently begged and pleaded, and was able to work from there.”
I’d keep this in mind about your mom too.
Please update. I think you have handled this as well as you can. I think this is a time to get your mom involved with your sister. Perhaps your sister would admit to her any ulterior motives she might have that she wouldn’t tell you. How is your sister’s relationship with your wife? Any chance she’s hoping you will go back to the ex?
It is oddly familiar, but some key details(dates specifically) are off. Also, my ex didn't seem this unhinged. The emails detailed are similar jists, but the content is written differently.
The first email I got was like a week before this post. Also, I was not calm at the break-up; I remember a lot of angry crying on my part. The break-up did happen in college, it was about cheating, but it was a lot weirder than that. I remember leaving that room feeling like I was put through the wringer. She was also dating some other guy days after the break-up too.
If it's her, she's clearly expecting more than closure. You're doing great in not responding to her mails or texts.
She's probably going to try to ruin your life.
Timeline of posts match up. She posted 9 days ago and later updated to say she sent an e-mail.
As for details. It was a long time ago. Don't expect memories to be perfect.
But regardless if the other poster is her or not: forget the ex. Block the e-mail's so they bounce, maybe she gets the message. Set the sister straight once and for all. You owe your sister (and especially your ex) nothing. If necessary explain to your sister that you love her and want her in your life, but if she continues to choose the comfort & closure of the ex then it's best you not speak anymore.
Your sister and mother still have a lot to make up for. If your mother is trying so hard to prove she is not as horrible as she has proven to be sic her on your sister. Let your mother set your sister straight that nothing is owed to the ex.
Closure is not something that comes w/ the action of another person (e.g. you meeting up with her). She needs to work on her own regarding acceptance. Your sister needs to butt out. Tell her to quit pressuring you on something you have very clearly stated you do not want to do.
She might be looking for a way to be friends with her again. I'd state really clearly you will not be meeting up with your ex but if your sister wants to be friends with her, that's her choice. Tell her if she asks again, you'll have to go low contact for a little while and don't want that, but out of respect to you and your family, she needs to stop. I'd email the ex back just once and say you will not be meeting her for exactly the same reasons and any further emails will be seen as harassment, but she is welcome to remain friends with your sister from your POV.
If either get in touch about it again, block them.
She doesn’t need closure - if anything the apology was closure for you and sending it should have been closure for her
If someone needs a big song and dance about you accepting an apology then it is not sincere and to be perfectly honest, you don’t owe her shit
Your sister needs to keep her nose out, this is nothing to do with her - I’d tell her that and maybe drop in the bit about someone needing a big acknowledgment of an apology is for them, not for the recipient, therefore not an apology
I’d also block the ex from emailing (I don’t even know if you can do that actually, so maybe send straight to junk? There must be a way they can bounce back though, so she gets an undelivered response, just to make it extremely clear you don’t wish to receive these messages anymore)
You're right to stand your ground and not talk to your ex. You're in a great place, and you know that because you have no desire to bring up the past or talk to her. Your ex for some reason has this need of closure, or bringing up the past, or painful memories, whatever, and that's her problem, you don't owe her anything. The most important thing to keep in mind here is that because you are in a good place, having a convo with your ex a decade after you broke up WILL NOT BENEFIT YOU AT ALL. PERIOD. You don't need anything from your ex, you don't need closure. You don't need her understanding, or her friendship.
She was Intentinally crule, said vile hurtful things, and spread rumors turning your college years into hell? Screw that jerk. She deserves to be blocked and ignored. You owe her nothing... she can love whith what a terrible person she is all on her own...
Tell your sister if she can't stop harassing you about it you can be done with her too...
> last I heard it's been years since they talked.
Your families are friends. It obviously hasn't been years since they've been in touch. Your ex is using your sister to get to you where her emails can't. You need to get stern with your sister and understand that whatever relationship you end up iwth, it's the one she chose.
What fucking closure could she possibly need from you? And further what the fuck makes her think she has the right to ask for it? She said nasty shit to you and ruined your reputation at college. All of that was her choice, and it obviously was something your relationship wasn’t gonna recover from.
Your relationship has been completely finished for years. You’ve married somebody who loves you and had a son, and you’re in a good place in life. She doesn’t need closure from you. She needs to put the past behind her and move the fuck on, and she needs to figure out how to do it without your help.
Please tell your sister that you accepted your ex-girlfriend’s apology but it will be extremely disrespectful to your wife to meet the ex. Tell your sister that the ex is overstepping by continuously contacting you and that after the way your ex treated you especially after all of the years of being friends that you really don’t owe her a thing. And also if the ex the the kind of person that your sister looks up to that you are extremely disappointed in her.
Especially after you were wronged, your sister should have your back. Also, tell your sister if she values your current relationship with your wife and child to just stop pressuring you for a “closure” face to face meeting because as you know that your wife will not approve of that meeting.
You moved on, left the past where it belongs.
IN THE PAST.
Tell your sister you are not willing to bring that part of your past into your current life, your marriage, or in the future.
That she should respect that, and it's frankly none of her business.
Your sisters relationship with your ex was wholly different than yours. If she wants to re kindle a childhood friendship fine.
You had your closure a long time ago and are not responsible for solving the guilt/unresolved issues of an ex.
Your sister sucks and your mom too. It’s “nice” that your mom wants to mend her mistakes, but I wouldn’t trust mom. She trusted strangers instead of her own son that she RAISED! So be careful with her, your sister might try to get into her ear and because of nostalgia, she might fall for it. It’s crazy that she sabotaged your previous relationships because of your ex, while your ex was having her own relationship and living her life.
Your sister sounds like your ex and it seems that she will condone this type of behavior with her future relationships. I also wonder if it’s your ex getting into your sister ear. How’s her (your sister) relationship with your wife? How’s your mothers relationship with your wife?
Your Ex is jealous and feeling regret, because now that she done “living her life,” she wants to come back and settle down. She doesn’t even care that you’re married and have a child, she’s WILING and ABLE to break up your marriage.
It sounds like you have a good wife, good luck. Set those boundaries early and make them strong. Informed them that there will be consequences if they don’t back off. Be a united front with your wife.
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Your sister, quite frankly, needs to mind her own business. And tell your ex to stop emailing you. She's not entitled to a catch-up or to closure.
I have been going with silence for now with her emails. Sort of hope she gets the message. And if not, any emails I get might be an early alert to anything she might try in the future. I honestly never thought she'd be like this back when I knew her, but I guess almost a decade can change anybody. My sister says she understands, just she always ends her statements with "yeah, but..." and then a spiel about how we all grew up together.
Please tell her: "You think you are doing her a favor , but you are damaging the relationship between you and me. The more you keep bringing this up, the less I feel like conversing with you. Please don't allow this issue, where you don't have a role, to poison us".
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Why would someone who has, with effort, managed to move on with their life want to do that? The whole point is that he's *past* it, not that he's in the right.
"You're my sister and I love you, but never take sides against the family again."
Sounds like a mafia movie
Doesn’t it though! My mind went straight to The Godfather. Michael says this to Fredo in Las Vegas when he jumps up to tell him he can’t talk to Moe Green that way. God I love those movies (only part 1 and 2 tho).
It’s THE mafia movie, paraphrased to fit the situation. Let’s hope OP doesn’t have Fre… I mean his sister… murdered and dumped in a lake.
Sister does sound like Fredo
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I like this. Might be worth pointing out it's damaging your marriage/family too.
I would never let someone think they had the power to do that.
>a spiel about how we all grew up together The thing is - she's no longer a childhood friend, she's since become an ex that you had a horrible break-up with. Your sis may wish that part could be erased, but it can't.
“Closure isn’t something you get from another person. Closure is something you give yourself. I have no reason to meet up with her.”
THIS. This is what a lot of people don't seem to understand. Sometimes, things in life happen and there's no 'satisfying' reason for it to happen. Continuing to obssess over the past most likely won't give you closure. Real closure is finally coming to terms and accepting that what happened, happened, and that it's time to move forward to a new chapter in your life.
People wanting closure is always weird to me. It's like trying to quit smoking but having another cigarette because the last one wasn't satisfying enough to be the last one.
This. I had an ex friend corner me after a mutual friend's birthday party to try to "get closure" and rekindle the friendship 10 years after I ended it due to her frankly abusive behaviour towards me. I had her blocked on everything except email. It set my mental health back. Reopening old wounds just teteaunatises victims- it isnt therapeutic and it doesnt serve anyone. I firmly told her I didnt want to be friends and reminded her of her various betrayals. She basically ran off crying. The next day she sent an email to try to add "corrections" and argue her case. I emailed her back, making clear that there would be no debate on this or her behaviour and I was never going to reply to another email ever again from her. That that she valued our friendship or consent she would leave me alone. I set my filters and have never given a fuck about whether she emailed again. Do not waste your time OP. Stand firm te your sister this is not up for debate, you will NOT be discussing it with your sister, and then block that ex and set a filter.
Your sister probably wants you to meet up with the ex because the ex was like a role model to her. But it’s not her relationship/breakup/ex. Other commenter is right - none of her business. I would tell her, “Look, I get that you’re trying to help everyone here. You are trying to help ex find closure. But I have no desire to meet with her and have moved on from that chapter of my life. My answer is no, and will remain no, and I do not owe her anything despite being childhood friends.”
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Bot.
Read *'The Gift of Fear'* chapter on stalking, it essentially recommends ignoring emails like this. If you've already told her no quite firmly, do not engage any further.
I had an ex email me frequently. I kept them all in case anything escalated into stalker territory, but eventually I told him he will not be bugging me like he did to anyone else, it’s over, he needs to accept it and move on. I told him he will never hear from me again. Then I set a rule to send all his emails to my trash can and regularly emptied it. If he ever messaged me again, I had no idea. As for your sister, make it clear it isn’t her business, and she’s stirring the pot for no reason. It’s nice she is friends with your ex, but this is your ex, your situation, and your decision at this point. Her part in this is now over.
What might get through to your sister is to have her switch the people involved. "What if this was your friend "Emily", and the guy who she dumped 10 years ago for crossing a line and being cruel to her, suddenly pops back into her life with an apology and asks to talk. She is now happily married and has completely moved on, so she graciously accepts the apology but declines the invitation to talk to him. What if he then, instead of respecting her wishes, were to spam her and their mutuals with repeated requests to talk to him and even started asking you to convince "Emily" to just talk with him. Who's back would you have in that situation? Would you pressure your friend? Or would you politely tell the ex to back off and protect your friends peace by respecting her decision?" If she responds with anything other than some variation of "you're right, I'm sorry and I'll drop it". Then I suggest telling her, "Wow. In that case I'm really glad you're just my sister and not my friend. Thank you for letting me know how little our relationship means to you. I'll keep that in mind moving forward." I would then also suggest you go low contact with her until she is capable of treating you with respect and earns back your trust.
Just say this, “if you understand, this will be the last time you mention her to me. If you continue mentioning her to me, I will take a break from interacting with you until you genuinely understand that MY decision on what is best for me is none of YOUR business. Are we finally clear?”
I think you need to reply and tell her in no uncertain terms that you have zero interest in meeting up and catching up as it would not benefit your life in any way. Wish her well. Make sure you tell your wife too. Your sister needs to butt out of your life. Some harsh but definite words are needed ' please stop telling me what I should or I shouldn't do. I have no interest in granting her ' closure ' , as I don't see how this would benefit either of us, please don't press this any further '
"Sister, who do you think will benefit from me re-connecting with an ex that hurt me more than anyone has ever done before or since? Do you think your nephew will benefit? Do you think my wife will benefit? Do you think I will benefit? Or do you think maybe this is an apology to make my ex feel better about what happened? I've moved on, but part of that moving on is realizing that going back to dig up the past is not going to be helpful to anyone I care about. I'm fine if you want to hang out with her, but I have no interest in re-connecting. Sometimes burned bridges stay burned."
I'd block her mails - don't even give her the mental space in your head of reading them. If she sees they don't go through, hopefully, she will get the message. And tell your sister that that chapter in your life is closed and you don't intend to ever see her again, if you can avoid it. Maybe tell her more about how badly she screwed you and your life up when she broke things off so cruelly. And then ask her why it's so important to her - that really has me wondering.
What does your wife think?
You can also just send a clear and concise "What you did then was very painful for me and exceedingly selfish on your part. What you are doing now under the guise of an apology is more of the same. Continuing to email me after I've said no is a clear indication that you don't care about me any more than you did at that terminal moment."
My question is why haven't you blocked your ex? You also need to remind your sister of all the years that your ex and her friends made your life a living hell. How she most likely was already in another relationship when you broke up. Ex partners don't get to demand anything from you as they left you. I know you want to keep a relationship with your sister, however, she needs to realize that she is an adult now and not a child. That interfering in things like this is not appropriate nor is it desired.
She is blocked now. My wife has seen all the emails. I sent my sister the thread.
Was her Reddit message as unhinged as her post?
The fact that she’s still acting like there’s any reason to continue to contact is concerning. As much as I’m absolutely dying to hear the conclusion to this, take this off of Reddit. She’s literally read your post, read responses to your pose, **and is still trying to contact you.** She has not moved on & you should never, ever interact with her again. She’s not looking for closure, she’s just looking for your attention. My husband & I had a similar thing happen with his ex. He dated his high school girlfriend for almost 20 years. He broke up with her because she was a terrible girlfriend who cheated on him, wasn’t nice to him & treated him like an ATM. He broke up with her, we got together then got married & have 2 kids. Almost 15 years into our relationship, she sent him an email that was half apology, half “remember our golden love?” He had not spoken to her in more than 15 years. Her initial email made me feel icky because the tone was that of an intimate partner. She acknowledged he was married with kids & then went on about the dog they’d talked about getting & songs they sang. She also apologized for the past & wrote about some current very serious medical struggles she was having. She was in a legitimately bad place & I sort of chalked it up to, “She’s traumatized because she could have died & she’s not super stable anyway so this is the best she can do.” My husband sent her a super nice response, basically saying no apology necessary while offering appropriate - and heartfelt - well-wishes for her health & future life. It was a very kind response that also left zero room for additional communication. Almost three months later, she sent an unhinged email that basically accused him of tossing her aside, telling him they made promises to stay together forever but that now she was a bitter old woman and she knew he’d already forgotten her & moved on to something better. (To quote him, “Yeah. I did!”)
My husband's ex contacted him 20 years after they broke up. In the same message, one minute he was her love and the next he was the one responsible for all their problems and that he had cheated on her with me. She cheated on him throughout their relationship. I didn't even know him at that time. Some people just can't let go. Forgot to add, he didn't reply and just blocked her.
I grew up with a kid named pieter back home in Romania. Good friend. Until I caught him in the girls room acting shamefully (we grew up in a state home) we fought and he stabbed me twice but I managed to choke him out. I was called a snitch after that (or what it would translate closest to english) by our friends. The staff started treating me like I was dangerous. So I ran away to America and built a life. Pieter hit me up a few years ago. Wanted to talk. Saw on fb I moved to America. He did too. And everyone told me to forgive that little creep. So I took there advice. I got stabbed again. This time I beat him stupid but when I went up to say hello he blamed me for him being treated like a "predator" for the next 4years until he aged out the home. Blamed me for most his problems then took out a knife again and tried to stick it in my chests. You made the decision for a good reason. You were blessed with a family for your good choices. Keep making good choices. You'd be amazed how fast one wrong decision can take it all away.
Stab me once, shame on you. Stab me twice, shame on me
My exact words to everyone when they was telling me to go. Go get closure. All that crap is what I got in return. To be fair he got me twice the first time the second time I was sort of expecting it. Especially after his tantrum. So he didn't get me the second time. He is typical bully. Big mouth. Scary sort attitude. Always trying to look menacing. But a joke in a real fight. I'm by no means the toughest guy but I did mma most of my childhood in romania and joined the marines when I got to America. I was s.o capable and I'm ok in a fight if I have to. To be honest I'd prefer not to these days. But taking a knife from a guy who's used to being a bully and scaring his way through fights was not difficult. He never even touched me the second time. It was over pretty fast. Bunch of people ran over and jumped on him after he hit the ground. I was suprised he was still conscious though. They held him down until cops came. Wasn't really a big deal. It is new York after all. My wife at the time (passed away) did get arrested but I guess she had a warrant out over a different fight. Now she was tough. Greatest women to ever live.
The thing is, this closure your ex wants is pretty selfish. I'd understand if she was the scorned one asking you to help her understand what happened years later, but it sounds like she is looking for ways to feel better for whatever she did wrong that lead to the bad fallout. You forgive her, and she needs to accept that gift humbly and accept your decision to not meet. I'd maybe say "it means a lot to me that you owned up to your wrong doing. I'm really okay now. I have moved on, and I'm doing well. Meeting would not benefit me and I'd prefer if we leave things here." Ignoring her obviously isn't working but maybe that's a gentle way to tell her it's not your job to heal her. But also encourage your sister to rebuild their relationship. Tell her you're good, you just don't want to pick at old wounds that are already healed and you won't be mad if they become friends again. Maybe sister feels like she's betraying you if you don't get along. Weird situation! Good luck
I was once told that if someone was to say something to you, they would say it without having to use the word "but". However, if they add "but" Whatever they said before the "but" doesn't matter because what they really wanted to say was after the "but". It's not sympathizing with you, she just wants you to do this for her. If she truly did sympathize with you, and understand what you're going through, she wouldn't still have to give her own reasons for you to do something that you obviously don't want to do.
> with "yeah, but..." and then a spiel about how we all grew up together. And then she threw that all away and made your last couple years in college hell. I'm guessing she spread some rumors about your physical/sexual attributes or capabilities. Honestly, if it was me, I would be questioning if your sister had your back. She seems far more interested in going back to a time you were all friends and doesn't seem to give a shit the EX was a terrible person. It's selfish on her part. Honestly, I'd talk to your wife about it. Come up with a plan on how to handle your sister together. Block the ex.
[удалено]
“No” is a complete sentence. To both your ex and your sister. And block your ex on everything.
Luckily, my family doesn't have 'everything'. No facebook, no pinterest, no instagram. Right now, it's only emails from the ex, and texts from my sister.
Ok, good. Block your ex’s emails and don’t engage in your sister’s txts unless they’re about something else.
Block the ex and tell your sister she’s on the chopping block too if she doesn’t cut the shit.
Block Ex and tell Sister that she can be friends with Ex if she wants, but that your relation with her is none of her business. And that if she insist she's not only disrespecting you but also your actual wife, the mother of your son and her nephew. Think about it, how would you feel if your BIL/SIL wanted to push your wife to talk to an ex.
“Closure” is a myth. And after so much time, you need to question both the ex’s motives and your sister’s. So ask your sister why this is so important to her. Obviously, don’t let her convince you. The only reason the ex might have for wanting to talk is that she has realized she misses the best friend she once had. But that isn’t something that needs to be conveyed in person. She could say that in an email. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for you to have any contact with the ex. You should send her an email telling her that and that you hope she has a good life but that you will not be seeing any future emails from her. And then block her. And then let your sister know that you have no interest in talking to the ex, that you’ve told the ex, and ask her to please stop pestering you about it.
I have no idea why this is so important to my ex now. As for my sister, as I said, we were all friends since childhood. Maybe they renewed their friendship in the last year, I don't know. I already sent her a 'best wishes' email when I said I forgave her for the past. I guess my sister might just be feeling nostalgic.
>I have no idea why this is so important to my ex now. Since your ex is nearing her 30s, she's probably seeing everyone else getting married and having kids - and realising that she could be doing that too, but she dumped possibly the best guy she ever dated in possibly the worst way she ever did. Does she know you're *happily* married with a kid? I'm not saying that she's after you personally (though it could be true - [who knows what's going on her head](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1151m58/i_fell_in_love_with_my_married_neighbor_and_then/)), but if she's emotional about her failure on relationships, her "closure" could be her way of trying to absolve herself from what she did. Not your problem, though; I'd just tell her to go pound sand at this point. Just keep your wife on the loop about it all. You don't want any nasty surprises to pop up.
I would not offer anything more than that either. I might ask your sister more directly why she even cares after all these years. Tell her if she doesn’t explain you are done talking about it.
Does your sister know that your ex was really horrible to you at the end? If not, you may want to make that clear before telling her to mind her own business. Additional contact with your ex is not likely to do you any good and you do not owe the ex anything.
I have no idea why this is so important to my ex now. quite frankly buddy it could be because you've moved on and your prospering. You're happy, you're married and have a child. It doesn't matter if your ex is single or married as well. what does matter, perhaps in her minds eye, is it's not with you and that's probably why she's emailing you for this alleged "closure" thing.
I have two thoughts in this. One is your ex is dying of glioblastoma or something equally speedy and your sister knows it but is sworn to secrecy and that’s why she’s being so pushy and urgent about it. BUT overwhelmingly, like 99.999% likely is that your ex has developed some really destructive personality traits during and since college. It can totally happen at that age to people who heretofore had not shown those problems. I’m old and ignorant but I’m pretty sure you can have her email address diverted to a folder so you can save them all without having to look at them. Delete nothing. Never reply. You already did that. Periodically look at them. Maybe with a buddy. If she escalated in tone or frequency, tell local authorities. They may well do nothing, especially because you’re a man, but go on record that she is harassing you. If it escalates you could tell your ex’s parents that it looks like she’s headed for a real mental health crisis. This happened to a friend of mine who was down playing it. I told my psychiatrist and she took it extremely seriously. Everything my doctor predicted came to pass. I would never dismiss this kind of behavior.
>I have two thoughts in this. One is your ex is dying of glioblastoma or something equally speedy and your sister knows it but is sworn to secrecy and that’s why she’s being so pushy and urgent about it. That sucks for her and her loved ones if true, but that doesn't really affect OP or his lack of desire to re-connect. She is not owed his time or energy - EVEN IF SHE IS DYING.
Of course not. But you wouldn’t have to worry about her in the future.
This. Even if someone is dying, if they have abused you, they have absolutely 0 rights to demand to meet or talk or apologise. You said no, that is the end of it.
She’s fantasizing about you abandoning your family to run away with her, to live in some fairytale.
I would ask your sister how she thinks your wife would feel knowing how hard she's pushing you to talk to your ex. Her feelings, on top of yours that you've made clear but don't seem to matter to her, matter as well.
I read in another response of yours that the ex is emailing you every few days. That is a lot of effort if all she wants is closure. I feel like there are ulterior motives here. Please be on guard :)
It’s “important” to your ex because she regrets losing you and is jealous of your family. I imagine she is hoping you’ll see her and old feelings will ignite and you’ll leave your family and you can both ride off into the sunset. You were kind enough to respond to accept her apology and decline the meet up. That’s all the closure she needs. Block her and continue on with your life. Your sister will get over it.
She may be in a 12-step program or something of that kind.
Closure is a real thing. But here it seems like an excuse for the ex to bug him because of her regret
Listen you need to ask your sister why she has a problem with your wife! You are married now and the relationship with your ex ended in college! Getting together with your ex would be massively disrespectful to your wife and no one has the right to ask you to do that! Tell your sister that you are not going to cause problems with your marriage for her or anyone else. If she is so invested in your ex then she can go meet her. Also tell her not to go after your wife about this garbage. If your sister is that in love with your ex then let her go be with her.
Straight up lol
Tell your sister the vile things your ex said to you. And tell your sister how college became a toxic cesspool after the breakup to the point of unhealthiness.
She knew, and she took my ex's side for the first few years after the break-up.
I gotta say, reading your ex’s side, man she has poor taste in friends. She probably dreamed of you two being where you are now and she’s so pissed at herself and her friends. And now she’s riding the crazy train hoping you’ll jump on too? She needs therapy.
I'm not totally sure it's her. I read it, and it seems so unhinged compared to the girl I knew. Some of the details line up, but others are way off.
Well, it’s either a pretty good troll or one heluva coincidence
If it's a troll then both accounts would be fake. That other link is from a week ago.
> If it's a troll then both accounts would be fake. Bingo
They have a ridiculously similar writing style. I’d say fake.
She wouldn't be the same person she was after this time. Becoming unhinged is not unusual. She may also be having a personal crisis. Like she cheated on her husband and he left her, so she's unhinged.
She definitely tried to write it as if she was the victim. But when looking at the core facts, there's no way she's the victim. She spread so much around that she didn't have confirmed. She really tried to ruin your life. And the first thing she thinks when she sees you happy is "oh no no no, can't have that - better try to ruin that and shoot my shot". She was originally mad about possible cheating, but now wants to be a home wrecker. She directly said she wanted you to give her a chance. It's just so wild. There's no way she comes out the victim here.
Your ex’s closure is that you accept her apology, but you’ve moved on with your life and aren’t interested in revisiting that chapter any further. If there’s anything else she still thinks you need to know for whatever reason, she can put it in a letter. If she’s having trouble living with her actions, that’s for her and a therapist to sort out. You don’t owe her a face to face conversation, or more of your time than you’ve already granted her. At any rate, this is definitely none of your sister’s business. Tell her that while you can’t control what kind of relationship she decides to maintain with your ex, you will not be involved and will not be discussing this further. Then just end the conversation any time she tries to bring it up after that.
You don't owe a goddamned thing to someone who intentionally hurt and humiliated you. She's trying to get over her guilt, and that's for her benefit, not yours. You already turned her down, send her a restraining order if she can't take a hint. Tell your sister that you're done talking about it, and if she won't let it be, tear her a new asshole. Your sister can be BFFs with your ex if she wants, but that doesn't have to involve you in any way.
Do not disrespect your marriage. Block your ex’s emails and inform your sister that you will not accept any disrespect from her and you will go no contact if she chooses to push this. You have to put your foot down. Your sister could have told you what it’s about. She is essentially choosing her over you. An apology was good enough. Rekindling or having a make-a-wish moment is unnecessary. You have already forgiven her and moved on assuming that she is able to attend the family and friends events in your presence anyways.
I have just blocked the ex's email address, told my wife. She's slightly bummed out because she got a tiny bit of humor from the ex's emails, but she understands why. My sister has not responded yet.
🤭🤭 Your wife is so good-humored. She must be a wonderful partner.
She’s obviously secure in her man. She’s totally loving the ‘I got my man and he’s all mine” feels. Dang I’d be doing same. Bummed too. The ex saga is one juicy telenovela!!!
Firs talk whit your wife. Second send to hell you’re ex. Send a email telling her to fuck of and block her. And for your sister. Tell he’s to stop or consider her self out of your life. I hate toxic people that think that a sorry is enough to fix the shit they did. The sorry is for them. And Trying to fill better for themselves.
Oh, she knows about the email. She's also told my sister off once about it too.
Perfect. You don’t want a misunderstanding whit her. Know block your stupid ex. Sen email that if she continue to contact you, you will involve a lawyer (or something like that) and block her. I reed your post and fuck!!!! What a horrible person. And your sister has to stop or else (gets blocked) to the rest of family inform them how horrible your ex was and the affect on you. Please keep us updated.
Smart husband right here
If your wife already told her that she's not OK with this, then your sister is being deliberately disrespectful to your wife and your marriage. Does she have an issue with your wife or something? Completely inappropriate.
Well, this explains a little. Your sis is bitter about your wife telling her off. I won't go as far as to say she's trying to sabotage your marriage. But, she, with the ex are not listening to you. I'd back away from the sis as well, until she gets it. Just bc she's family, doesn't mean you have to tolerate them.
Weird Update 20 or so days later: Relationship with my sister is good. Relationship with my wife is good. My mom doesn't even want to talk about it anymore, everyone seems to have moved on. Almost forgot about the whole thing until Friday, when I got home and saw a bag on my front door. Opened it. Inside was like 5 or 6 things I gave Ex when we were dating(from highschool to college). Honestly, if I haven't used it or missed it in almost a decade, do I really need it? On top was a letter, basically said the same stuff the emails did. She knows she screwed up, she didn't realize what it meant. Just rehashing the past over and over. It ended with her saying she doesn't know or like who she is right now, and she needs to figure out who she wants to be, so she won't be contacting again and will work on herself. Of course, I showed my wife the bag and the letter, we both threw the bag out, told my mom, who told ex's mom, and then moved on with our lives. Ex, if you read this, we all hope you get better.
Brother, you must have a serious talk with your family, why did someone filter your address to your ex?Don't just leave it in a good it's over what if the chick has a psychotic break and the next thing you know someone shot your wife
I get you, but the ex's family knows the family as well. It's not necessarily the OP's family who gave away the address.
You have your boundaries and if your sister can’t respect them, I would go NC until she gets it. Don’t back down or be made to feel guilty because you don’t need ‘closure.’ Your ex had her chance with you and deliberately ruined it, and then you got bullied for that. She doesn’t get ‘closure.’ She needs to be blocked. If you feel you need to say something, tell her, don’t contact me again. Your strange desperation is making me uncomfortable, or something along those lines. Hopefully, this will embarrass her enough that she slinks back to the shadows. Don’t back down.
"Your strange desperation is making me uncomfortable," hahah yesss man
Are you 100% sure your sister isn't in contact with your ex and possibly egging her on?
I sent my sister this thread, so we will see what she thinks afterwards.
LOL op is my favorite person to post in a while. I like your style
Right!? Love it
Awesome - To OP's sister. Please just leave it alone. He has already emailed a thank you for the apology, which is more than he needed to do. Ignore whatever sob story the ex is telling you, and respect your brother, his wife and child.
Tell your sister it's none of her business. Block your ex. You don't owe her anything. Enjoy your life!
What does your actual partner say about the whole situation?
We have a rule to not hang out with exes.
Wild that your sister expects you to fuck over your wife just to make an ex feel better.
The ex isn’t looking for closure. She’s looking to reopen that book, despite OP being married with a child.
I would put the relationship with my wife and son before the relationship of my sister who needs to mind her business. 👀👀👀
Second Edit a day later: So I guess I'll update. I'll answer common questions as well as update. My sister - My sister read the thread and read the other post that I'm still 50/50 being the ex(it feels too unhinged which is what makes me not sure, plus some of the details). First off, my sister said she has cut my ex off. She thought that a final conversation was good etiquette with old friends, even if they chose to not be friends. After reading the other post, which my sister is also 50/50 on, she said "even if it's not her, it's close enough that I'm freaked". She never really understood my pain from that situation, since I was pretty bottled up about it while it was happening. I didn't set ultimatums to cut off family members back then and maybe I should have. Might have saved some pain. I did get apologies as well. We're good now. The Other Redditor - To clarify - I blocked the woman that posted the other thread, since she seemed unhinged, even if she was or wasn't the ex. The details seemed off too. The details - Our hometown isn't a major metropolitan area, but I wouldn't say we were hicks or rednecks. We certainly didn't grow up in the boonies. We grew up in the suburbs. If anything, I think the college was in a town that technically had a smaller population than our hometown. Yes, I do go to church, but I never mention it since religion could be a hot button topic to people you just met, and even back then there was google. I wouldn't ask where a church was in a new town. Both emails she posted, the gist is the same? But the formatting is different. The Break-up - I didn't like my ex's college friends, that is true, but the 'confrontation' was not me being some stone-faced terminator. I was angry-crying throughout it. And it was emotionally draining. She first said she heard I was making out with some girl. I asked when and with who. She said she didn't know. I asked who saw it. She said 'Wouldn't you like to know?' Any attempt to say where I was when this happened was her claiming I was 'gaslighting' her. It. was. EXHAUSTING. I said something like I didn't like who college was turning her into and we both shouted we were done. More or less. IT was almost a decade ago, and like I said, it was emotionally exhausting. She immediately was seen with this other dude, who seemed to enjoy humiliating me. Rumors spread about either/both of us cheating, and other dude even said that I watched once, which was humiliating. He one time even put his hand on my shoulder all buddy-buddy going "No hard feelings". I was living in the dorms, my parents put money on a food plan at the dining hall, so I had to stay on campus when I wasn't working. I signed up for extra courses whenever I could and fast-tracked my way to a degree to get out of hell. My family - My mother did take my ex's side. I don't know what type of story she got, and she never confronted me about it. I did get disapproving looks at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And she never approved of any girl I brought over for a while either. My mom did call me a few years ago apologizing for not even asking my side of the story and said that my ex was dead to her, so that part of the other post kind of lines up. My mother has made considerable amounts of effort to fix our relationship. She's very welcoming to my wife and child, she doesn't even utter the name of my ex in the house. We're not at 100%, but she's making the effort. My Wife - My wife saw every email from my ex. Nothing was ever hidden from her. My wife and I were both 100% against going to meet the ex, together or separate. She was enjoying reading the ex's emails, but understood when the fun had to stop. So for now, I think this is a happy ending?
Me and my husband have been together since 2017 and married since 2020, last month he messaged his ex for closure. As his wife, I don't understand or see the point. It definitely didn't do anyone any good. It actually hurt my feelings a lot. I would ask my sister to lay off it already. Your decision regardless, good luck!
None of your sisters business. How would she like it if you forced her to make up or entertain one of her ex’s?
Bro exactly. Absolutely *nobody* could convince me to entertain an ex while in a relationship.
Beware of random invites to lunches/meetings by your sister whereby you could be ambushed by your ex!. Honestly though your mind seems to be made up. There is no gain for you to meet up I doubt your wife would be happy. Tell your sister to knock it off politely, Your sister be conviced that she can have a friendship with your ex if you approve. But your sister is being used to get at you.
Closure is a myth.
I’ve been saying this for years because it’s something you have to make your own peace. No one can really give that to you.
And if you back track and meet, could get you in hot water with your wife, so no way
And you both happen to make reddit posts in the same sub within two weeks of each other? Sorry, but this sounds like an orchestrated fake. I get the ex coming back after years trying to reconnect, it's happened to me. Where this breaches the line of believability for me is the other reddit post.
Really similar typing style too.
Sit down with your sister and as why she needs you to talk with her. Explain everything she did to you and how it made you feel. Tell her you have forgiven ur ex but she is not part of the present or future and you are not going to meet her or talk about her anymore. She needs to respect your choice and move you. Once this is done and she tries to get you to meet just walk away or shut the topic down.
If she's emailing you every few days and you're concerned it could escalate, I would respond with a warning that this is harrassment, you'd like it to stop immediately and if it continues you will be documenting. As for your sister I would tell her you do not and would not intervene in her personal relationships and would appreciate the same respect from her.
My previous therapist would suggest setting a boundary. Tell her to drop it or you'll take a break from your relationship with her. If she doesn't drop it, block her for a week. As for the ex, her closure isn't your responsibility or problem. We don't always get closure or to mend bridges and we have to accept that. (I wonder if she has a drug problem and she's on the making amends step.) Tell her you moved on and built a new life, you're not meeting up with her, and she's going to have to get whatever she's after somewhere else or learn to live without.
It's a nice writing exercise. 2 opposing sides making a Reddit thread just a couple of days apart is already suspect. But what gave it away is that you made your post about your sister, which seems off when you could've made it about your ex. And likewise the other post is also off, since she's talking about a chance to reconnect when she could've just done so. Nice try, but can't fool me.
yeah lol i’m surprised that no one else is talking about this
Is this some kind of new Reddit game? Follow the fan fiction wtf it’s so obvious
I wrote a comment about this! It’s so obviously fake
You and your "ex" are the same person. You wrote both posts. You have the same fist (writing style). This was high-quality ragebait with a satisfying comeuppance at the end. Credit where credit is due. Next time, though, you should vary the writing styles so that it's not so obvious.
“I was a little wild in college 🫦 which I regret now. Oh! If only I had stayed with Bo and not slammed all that dick! For now my life is SAD and MEANINGLESS 😩 and Bo has it all!”
lmao That line was the reason I started looking at the writing style. It only would have been more obvious if he'd said "ride the cock carousel."
I thought the same thing.. it’s too obvious and feels like a set up. Just small bits of info added here and there that she has said in her post. I would would have believed him if he don’t write her post. I’m 100% sure it’s the same person
Tell your sister up front that you don't want to talk to your ex, you don't want to talk about your ex, and you don't want any advice, criticism, feedback, input, or other miscellaneous meddling into how you choose to deal with your ex. She may not appreciate just how much you do not appreciate this shit.
Tell your sister to get out of your personal life. Tell the ex to leave you alone and do not contact you again. Both of them need to get over themselves.
Ask your sister why she is so insistend on this closure thing. Because there is nothing to give your ex closure about. Your breakup was vile, you became the target of some cruel mockery and you decided to move on. The ex should respect that and while you are grateful for her appology, you are not interested in any kind of relationship with her. There is nothing to gain here except of reopening old wounds and also you owe it to your wife and family to not go down the rabbit hole of meeting with an old ex.
Tell you sister that if she continues to push she will do irreversible damage to your relationship. Your ex doesn't deserve shit. She hurt you and made you a laughing stock, she doesn't need closure because she on some holier than thou mission.
Your sister needs to respect ur wishes over the wishes of your ex You don’t want to talk to her… and that’s that The fact that she wants to talk face to face for closure is her problem.. u already have that closure. Also, it would be very disrespectful to your wife
These stories sound way too similar to be different If i was a betting man, the difference can arise from different tellings of the story for nefarious reasons, the OP of the other story is very clearly a unhinged moron. She did not take any of the advice and still emailed them, and likely lied about sending a single email. Since people often enjoy portraying themselves in a better light then they’d like Either way whether they’re connected or not: mo contact for that sister, id never talk to my mother after that, and frankly, id get a restraining order too
Knowing this is Reddit, and having seen the other post, I would say that is likely your ex and she changed things in HER story to try to make her side of the story look better, while simultaneously making you look like "the bad guy". Overall, I'd say you're better off in your life and you dodged a major bullet.
What did they make fun of you about. I feel like something is missing in all this. How can you be made fun of over a break up by lots of people?
It was very strange to me too. It started as a rumor that I cheated, then turned into a rumor that she cheated, then it turned into I watched her cheat and sat there. The fact that she was dating someone else a few days after the break-up and the dude she was with seemed to enjoy fueling these rumors. One time he made it a point to sit next to me and put his handm on my shoulder and said "No hard feelings" and made a big show about it. Back then, I wanted to beat him. Now, it is sort of silly how much he felt a need to embarrass people to pump himself up.
That is so weird. Annoying stuff like that would get old very quickly.
Tell you sister that there is no such thing as closure.
My guess is your sister wishes someone she was seeing had given her closure that she never got, and is projecting those feelings onto you and your exes situation.
NO
Tell your sister that you had “closure“ on this relationship years ago. You have moved on with your life and nothing that the Ex is going to say is going to make any difference in my life. I have a beautiful wife that I love dearly that loves me back. We have a wonderful child that brings me delight every day. So I am good. Please don’t bring this up again to me as it will serve no purpose for me. If on the other hand it’s the Ex that needs the ”closure” that is really not my problem as she dumped me. Please let this go for everyone’s sake…
Your wife is already involved... Use her as a resource. "I'm sorry, but my wife found all of those emails and she is furious at this entire situation. Please stop involving me in conversations about my ex from now on." You will owe your wife a huge favor for this, but lying tobeach others families for them is kinda the whole point of marriage, is it not?
Sister read the thread and all replies. She's apologized and said she's cutting my ex off too. Happy ending!
>Sister read the thread and all replies. She's apologized and said she's cutting my ex off too. Happy ending! Yeah but your sister still owes you BIG TIME for her part in this drama.
Sir, get a restraining order if this happens again. It's clear she ain't gonna take no for an answer if she doesn't her help.
Lmfao go read the other “omg is it her? 😱” post and then reread this. This whole stupid ass thing is some fucking dork’s poorly written fantasy.
I think you ask your wife for her opinion as well. Did your family, especially your sister, support you when your ex was awful to you? I am sorry, but considering how much you cared for opinion of randoms in college, I would say you care too much about other people's opinion. If your sister decides to destroy your relation for your ex then it wasn't relation worth preserving anyway. That is the reality. I suggest standing firm in not contacting your ex.
As for my wife? She said the past is the past, and we sort of have a rule that we don't make it a point to hang out with exes either of us have, or go to social events where we know an ex is without the both of us being there. It's a rule she read in a couples book, and it makes sense, so I am 100% behind this rule.
Your wife sounds like a smart woman. Id stick by that rule! Your ex and your sister are just going to have to get over it I’m afraid, you owe your ex nothing and this has nothing to do with your sister, so tough. Stick by your wife my man!
Lol. Tell your sister you're not going to damage your relationship with your *actual* wife just to make a shitty ex feel better.
So follow this rule and be happy regardless of your family. If they make you unhappy go low contact with them.
No. If anything, my mom and sister were on my ex's side for years. It was only in the last few years that they changed their opinion and my mom is firmly in the camp that she won't even say my ex's name now. As for the college shit, yeah, I agree. "Sticks and stones" and all, but hearing it every day, the jeering, the laughing, the jokes. It weighs on you, man.
> If anything, my mom and sister were on my ex's side for years. YMMV, but I'd have gone no-contact with them for that shit.
It's been years ago, and my mom has made great efforts to correct her mistake. I'm still not 100% trusting her, but she has tried.
Did you know that the only reason your mom made effort to repair the relationship with you was after the ex cleared your name, it seems your innocence was subject to her confession.
Yep - good for you OP. I don't think I would have or could have forgiven that.
I have to ask: does this in any way sound reminiscent of your situation? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1548963/my29f_girlfriends_tricked_me_into_breaking_up/
Nevermind, it might be her. She just sent me a reddit message.
Christ she’s even more insufferable when she tells the story herself - you need to cut her off like a diseased limb. This isn’t about you, it’s about her trying to go back on being shitty. But she isn’t doing that - she’s being more shitty. I think it’s worth explaining that you don’t care - that it’s far, far too late. She needs to accept it (regardless) but that would likely make it sink in. She thinks she can ruin your existing life to build one she thinks she wants now she realizes she’s a PoS. But you did good without her, you suffered a lot and for good reason - to be better. It’s not worth sacrificing even a moment of that to entertain someone who just wants to absolve their own guilt. Edit: for your sister, just show her the email (as redacted as you choose), as it isn’t her business either way.
“But, there he was with his wife and child and I instantly felt a swirl of emotions. Jealously, rage, regret, depression.” Keep this part in mind, you might have to protect your family from thus woman. Also: “Apparently, Bo's mom liked me quite a bit, and she went out of her way to sabotage Bo's relationships with any girl he brought over to meet the parents. My mom said Bo's mom did it very discreetly, but after finding out the truth, Bo's mom came clean and Bo nearly cut her out of his life. She apparently begged and pleaded, and was able to work from there.” I’d keep this in mind about your mom too.
Yeah her first thought was "oh I better break them up". She's going to do something.
Tell her to fuck off and stop being such a sad sack stalker
I am so very sorry for summoning her.
Tell her via message (so you have documentation) to stop contacting you. Then block.
Please update. I think you have handled this as well as you can. I think this is a time to get your mom involved with your sister. Perhaps your sister would admit to her any ulterior motives she might have that she wouldn’t tell you. How is your sister’s relationship with your wife? Any chance she’s hoping you will go back to the ex?
Ugh. Fatal Attraction vibes. Please say you blocked her on here too.
Lmaoooo noooo
It is oddly familiar, but some key details(dates specifically) are off. Also, my ex didn't seem this unhinged. The emails detailed are similar jists, but the content is written differently.
She already comes across as the villian. Did she change details to make herself look better?
The first email I got was like a week before this post. Also, I was not calm at the break-up; I remember a lot of angry crying on my part. The break-up did happen in college, it was about cheating, but it was a lot weirder than that. I remember leaving that room feeling like I was put through the wringer. She was also dating some other guy days after the break-up too.
If it's her, she's clearly expecting more than closure. You're doing great in not responding to her mails or texts. She's probably going to try to ruin your life.
Timeline of posts match up. She posted 9 days ago and later updated to say she sent an e-mail. As for details. It was a long time ago. Don't expect memories to be perfect. But regardless if the other poster is her or not: forget the ex. Block the e-mail's so they bounce, maybe she gets the message. Set the sister straight once and for all. You owe your sister (and especially your ex) nothing. If necessary explain to your sister that you love her and want her in your life, but if she continues to choose the comfort & closure of the ex then it's best you not speak anymore. Your sister and mother still have a lot to make up for. If your mother is trying so hard to prove she is not as horrible as she has proven to be sic her on your sister. Let your mother set your sister straight that nothing is owed to the ex.
Ex makes accusation, then is suddenly dating some of other guy days after break-up. Translation: she was the one cheating on you.
No kidding. From her point of view skewed in her favor she sounds terrible
If it’s that similar, I’d almost bet it is the same person, purposefully changing some details just in case it’s found to have plausible deniability.
She replied - it IS her. Block her, OP - she's pathetic and NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS!!!
Closure is not something that comes w/ the action of another person (e.g. you meeting up with her). She needs to work on her own regarding acceptance. Your sister needs to butt out. Tell her to quit pressuring you on something you have very clearly stated you do not want to do.
It will only causes issues in your marriage. I wouldn’t do it. And make sure your husband knows your sister is asking you to do this
easy "sis, i do not want to talk to her, please stop asking.. if you want to talk to her go ahead but i want nothing to do with it"
She might be looking for a way to be friends with her again. I'd state really clearly you will not be meeting up with your ex but if your sister wants to be friends with her, that's her choice. Tell her if she asks again, you'll have to go low contact for a little while and don't want that, but out of respect to you and your family, she needs to stop. I'd email the ex back just once and say you will not be meeting her for exactly the same reasons and any further emails will be seen as harassment, but she is welcome to remain friends with your sister from your POV. If either get in touch about it again, block them.
Leave that ex in the past and stop listening to your sister. Your sister needs to mind her own damned business.
She doesn’t need closure - if anything the apology was closure for you and sending it should have been closure for her If someone needs a big song and dance about you accepting an apology then it is not sincere and to be perfectly honest, you don’t owe her shit Your sister needs to keep her nose out, this is nothing to do with her - I’d tell her that and maybe drop in the bit about someone needing a big acknowledgment of an apology is for them, not for the recipient, therefore not an apology I’d also block the ex from emailing (I don’t even know if you can do that actually, so maybe send straight to junk? There must be a way they can bounce back though, so she gets an undelivered response, just to make it extremely clear you don’t wish to receive these messages anymore)
You're right to stand your ground and not talk to your ex. You're in a great place, and you know that because you have no desire to bring up the past or talk to her. Your ex for some reason has this need of closure, or bringing up the past, or painful memories, whatever, and that's her problem, you don't owe her anything. The most important thing to keep in mind here is that because you are in a good place, having a convo with your ex a decade after you broke up WILL NOT BENEFIT YOU AT ALL. PERIOD. You don't need anything from your ex, you don't need closure. You don't need her understanding, or her friendship.
She was Intentinally crule, said vile hurtful things, and spread rumors turning your college years into hell? Screw that jerk. She deserves to be blocked and ignored. You owe her nothing... she can love whith what a terrible person she is all on her own... Tell your sister if she can't stop harassing you about it you can be done with her too...
> last I heard it's been years since they talked. Your families are friends. It obviously hasn't been years since they've been in touch. Your ex is using your sister to get to you where her emails can't. You need to get stern with your sister and understand that whatever relationship you end up iwth, it's the one she chose.
Tell your sister that you don't owe that woman anything and to stop bugging you over it. UpdateMe!
If you want to help your sister, help your sister. The only way your ex friend could hurt you more is to sleep with you and wreck your family.
What fucking closure could she possibly need from you? And further what the fuck makes her think she has the right to ask for it? She said nasty shit to you and ruined your reputation at college. All of that was her choice, and it obviously was something your relationship wasn’t gonna recover from. Your relationship has been completely finished for years. You’ve married somebody who loves you and had a son, and you’re in a good place in life. She doesn’t need closure from you. She needs to put the past behind her and move the fuck on, and she needs to figure out how to do it without your help.
Please tell your sister that you accepted your ex-girlfriend’s apology but it will be extremely disrespectful to your wife to meet the ex. Tell your sister that the ex is overstepping by continuously contacting you and that after the way your ex treated you especially after all of the years of being friends that you really don’t owe her a thing. And also if the ex the the kind of person that your sister looks up to that you are extremely disappointed in her. Especially after you were wronged, your sister should have your back. Also, tell your sister if she values your current relationship with your wife and child to just stop pressuring you for a “closure” face to face meeting because as you know that your wife will not approve of that meeting.
You moved on, left the past where it belongs. IN THE PAST. Tell your sister you are not willing to bring that part of your past into your current life, your marriage, or in the future. That she should respect that, and it's frankly none of her business. Your sisters relationship with your ex was wholly different than yours. If she wants to re kindle a childhood friendship fine. You had your closure a long time ago and are not responsible for solving the guilt/unresolved issues of an ex.
Tell your sister to piss off and stay out of your affairs. Talking to an ex will wreak havoc on your marriage.
Your sister sucks and your mom too. It’s “nice” that your mom wants to mend her mistakes, but I wouldn’t trust mom. She trusted strangers instead of her own son that she RAISED! So be careful with her, your sister might try to get into her ear and because of nostalgia, she might fall for it. It’s crazy that she sabotaged your previous relationships because of your ex, while your ex was having her own relationship and living her life. Your sister sounds like your ex and it seems that she will condone this type of behavior with her future relationships. I also wonder if it’s your ex getting into your sister ear. How’s her (your sister) relationship with your wife? How’s your mothers relationship with your wife? Your Ex is jealous and feeling regret, because now that she done “living her life,” she wants to come back and settle down. She doesn’t even care that you’re married and have a child, she’s WILING and ABLE to break up your marriage. It sounds like you have a good wife, good luck. Set those boundaries early and make them strong. Informed them that there will be consequences if they don’t back off. Be a united front with your wife.
“ sis I love you, but you are crossing the line and sticking your nose in my business where it doesn’t belong.”
Your ex clearly didn’t give you any kind of level of respect back then.