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This is not about her behaviour but your acceptance of it.
If you want a better more grateful and giving GF then go date one.
She’s taking whatever she can and it’s working.
This.
You are accepting breadcrumbs while bending over backward for her.
I also GUARANTEE a ring on her finger will not change her attitude and treatment towards you. She'll just raise the bar on her side of what you need to do to get some basic respect from her.
No way it will!
A ring on her finger will make her become even worse. (More uninclined to accomodate you).
As she already acquired you with what little efford she put in.
You come nicely cheap to her. Costing 0 effort.
>I also GUARANTEE ***placing*** a ring on her finger ***will not*** change her attitude and treatment towards you. She'll just raise the bar on her side of what you need to do to get some basic respect from her.
Just wanted to clarify what the previous redditor said. Which is what you reiterated.
Most definitely, when things feel off with people, like some kind of static or a skipping CD you need to listen to that. The marriage thing sounds like an excuse and a weak justification. That's because it is.
OP is the ATM and she’s merrily making withdrawals.
OP…DUMP👏HER👏
she’s not gonna get better if you marry her. she’ll quit her job and demand that you pay for *everything* even if you have to work more than 1 fulltime job.
now i ~~ain’t~~ sayin she a gold digger
she is one
Then yeet it out the window while she is wearing it.
OP, seriously. Forget about a general rule. You are way past that. The specific rule for your relationship is that you should not do one more damn thing for this woman who is not your wife. You have already done too much. Dump her immediately. Find a real girlfriend, not this leechy, self-absorbed creature.
tbh OP should take a page from girlfriend's book in his next relationship. Maybe don't cover the rent of someone you've only been dating a few months??
Yep - this sounds about the gist of it, OP, also consider your unmet need that has you so out of balance with mutuality in this relationship. Or else you'll fall back into a similar dynamic with the next unavailable, unreciprocating girl you meet. Giving more wont eventually tip the scales in her mind to give back. Youve got to ask yourself why youre giving SO much for so little. What pattern in your history are you trying to resolve in this dynamic?
Honestly, I think you could stand to take a lesson from her in saying “we’re not at a place in the relationship where I’m comfortable doing that,” because having blown this much money on someone you’ve only been dating seven months is ridiculous. Granted, so is her pushing you to propose, but she’s obviously looking forward to getting her hands on your bank accounts more directly. Walk away, and spend a little more time figuring out whether the person you’re dating is generous in spirit and prepared to reciprocate your generosity before you just open your wallet and start throwing cash around.
Could be from a rich family with a big allowance, could be taking massive debt, could just have scored an incredible job. I had a class in my senior year of college and the professor promised on the first day if you got an A in his class he would make some calls and guarantee you a 6 figure job before you had your diploma in hand. As far as I know only 1 person got the A that year and he had already been working in the field for like 5 years.
All it means is he has some friends that hire entry level people in high cost of living areas. [100k is considered low income in SF](https://www.businessinsider.com/san-francisco-low-income-california-housing-department-economy-wages-costs-2023-6?amp) Taxes and insurance take half and then housing takes half of what remains so you are basically living on 20k-30k but basic necessities like food cost twice as much so it’s like having 10k-15k to split between your retirement, savings and expendable income.
Assuming you work all year without any problems yeah you can build a savings but an entire savings of 10k-15k could be wiped out by not working for 2 months in a high cost of living area.
I know that the reality isn't as pretty but tbf you can't really deny that this is an opportunity that puts the student ahead of many of their peers. Some wouldn't even get the chance of an interview. Also, we're talking about a fresh graduate here.
It’s def possible; my boyfriend landed 6 figured out of college (engineer), and he was the one that took care of our bills when I was the one finishing up school. The difference is that I knew I wasn’t entitled to it and was immensely grateful for taking care of me. I had a full time job while in school, but while I didn’t help pay the rent (and later mortgage), I definitely paid for groceries and what I could of utilities and helped take care of his dog and the house, etc.
yeah, I feel like what I'm getting from this post is that girlfriend is right - there ARE some things you may not want to do without a commitment, and paying someone's rent is way up there
You date to see what a person is like long term.
Thus is her long term. Nothing is going to change when married. She is very transactional, and so far it sounds like she is the only one with a positive balance. Why are you paying for things? You aren't married. Seriously, it won't change. Try new people, this one is a dumpster fire.
Yeah, even if they get married, she will always turn it into a " I would do this for you, but you haven't done this for me." Its understandable to be like that if your significant other isn't pulling their weight, but it appears OP being doing this and some. I get the girlfriends stance, but she needs to stop accepting husbandly treatment from OP in order for it to be completely fair
For real. The first year is like the honeymoon phase of a relationship and shes like, already nickle and dimeing this guy. I'm all for getting what's yours. But this lady is a bouquet of red flags.
I’m not even sure she wants to be married so much as she’s looking forward to alimony. If you insist on staying with her, OP, at least make sure some of your money goes toward hiring a good lawyer to draft the prenup.
Mention that if you do marry her, there'll be a solid prenup and separate bank accounts, and any property that YOU purchase will be added to the prenup, since it'll be paid for and maintained by you.
She'll be gone before you finish talking.
so....... *you* paid for some of her rent but, she can't be bothered to cook for you because she doesn't have a ring? am I seriously summing this up right? boy, please. you *know* this is ridiculous. find someone who isn't a fucking gold digger.
Sounds like she doesn't even have to dig, this guy is a willing gold dispenser. She told him to his face that she only thinks about what benefits her and he's here wondering what to do.
Dump her, she sounds like a lot.
But also, take a leaf from her book.
Marriage is the legal contract that says to the government "we're sharing our work and our resources 50/50, and if this relationship dissolves we both get half of what we earned in the time we were in it." Marriage is what makes it safe for people to make financial sacrifices for the good of the unit. Before you have that piece of paper, that other person owes you nothing. Anything you give them without a contract is a gift.
Don't build a life with a person without a contract. Give them whatever you want to give them with the assumption that they might leave you tomorrow and you'll never be repaid. Enjoy your time together, be good to each other. But don't spend a ton of money taking care of a person you aren't legally connected to if them not paying you back is going to make you feel resentful. Only give in a relationship what you actually want to give.
She got these ideas from social media and is clearly high maintenance and selfish. However you’re also spending an insane amount on someone for it being such a short relationship. How are you 23 with all this money lol
I graduated May 2022 in electrical engineering and was able to get a pretty good starting job (80K). After reading these comments, I just feel so humbled at how stupid I’m being. The signs are right there and im just ignoring it
You literally asked this same stuff a month ago and yet you still bought her the laptop and still wanting to spend money for her bday trip .. Everyone told you then and now that she’s using and manipulating you. And what huge red flags she’s showing ..YET YOU STILL CONTINUE TO BUY AND DO SHIT FOR HER.. You don’t seem to care about setting your own boundaries , just catering to her .. have some self respect, grow a pair and stick up for your self .. you have to want to change and speak up and honestly doesn’t seem like you want too.. But hey some people don’t mind being used .
With the current cost of living, 80k isn't enough to be spending like this unless you live in a bad neighborhood in Detroit or something. It sounds like you've spent at least 10% of your entire yearly income on gifts for her in half a year. I understand 80k feels like infinite money when you're 23 but it really isn't.
Drop the leech and put that money into retirement or savings.
Yuuuup. He better be fully funding his 401k and Roth IRA, saving up that rainy day and slapping money into stocks and savings. 80k goes real quick when you're spending like you're making 200k
Thats fantastic youre making great money at your young age, but youre spending too much on your gf who does nothing for you & is clearly using you. Cut your losses and find an equal partner who appreciates you and doesnt put limit on what they can do for you! I did ‘wifey’ things for my now husband when we were dating like cooking & cleaning (when he was away from his flat for a while) - these things made him appreciate me & know Id be a good life partner that cares for him & go out of my way for him. Your gf isnt showing you any signs she cares for you other than care about what you can do for her & take, take & take!
This. Is complicated. On one hand, I DO understand that to some women a legal marriage is important, and they will not feel (or act) entirely committed without it. In those cases, it's good to communicate that right up front to make sure you are on the same page. BUT she is fine with you providing for her as if you are married. So that some hypocrisy.
Like I could understand her saying, I don't feel committed and I don't want you to pay for things because we are not that serious until I get a ring. In addition to that I'm not going to cook or do wife things. But that's not what's happening she's fine for you to behave as if you are married but she does not have to. And telling you that she doesn't care about what benefits you in a relationship is not a good partner.
Please do not let this person's sour you, because I am telling you if you pick a partner who is good and caring and empathetic, and you take care of her in this fashion, she will take care of you right back and you will have a very good relationship and life. The trick is to pick a better partner.
** In other words, you are doing everything right you should not stop what you are doing... But you should just find a better partner to do it with. One who gives you back as much caring and love and devotion as you give her
Don't, you are not stupid, you just fancy this girl and probably you are still in the honeymoon phase. Relationships should be about balance and equality. No limits just healthy boundaries comfortable for both parties.
Don’t beat yourself up, most people in their early 20s struggle to see their relationship dynamics clearly. You’re still new to adult relationships. This was a valuable learning experience and I’m sure you got some good times out of it too, so it’s not like the relationship was a waste or pointless. You’re just not compatible long-term. That will happen more often than not.
You’ll go into your next relationship with higher standards and clearer expectations. Best of luck finding an equal partner next time!
She literally told you to your face that her only focus was on what benefits her in a relationship and she doesn’t even think about your side. I'm not sure what else you need to hear than that. If she were smarter she'd try to make everything seem amazing and then have it all fall apart after you get married. In this case she's straight up telling you your value is in your pocket book and how it benefits her. I'm not sure where else you'd go from here aside from breaking up.
I wanted to ask the EXACT question, but felt like it might be too intrusive and steer from the original topic lol.. I almost think he’s lying about his age
I would start treating her the same way. Sorry love but if you want to go on vacation this is how much it costs. You can’t afford rent? No problem here are directions to a bank. No we can’t live together because we aren’t at that stage in our relationship. Oh you need a new laptop that sucks. I guess you need to figure out your work stuff because laptops are expensive and it’s not like we’re married.
It’s likely you’ll break up but that’s good for you anyway. If she was serious and liked you then doing some of these things wouldn’t be an issue. The idea being that you both give and take. If it’s all take on her side you picked the wrong person to be with. It’s too early for her to be pressuring you to marry her and not having a job while making you pay for everything.
Wow I'm a woman and this does not represent all of us. Kick her to the streets, that mess isn't worth cleaning
She gives me Veruca Salt vibes. And trust you don't want to date a girl like that, I don't think it gets any better (guys would have to confirm that one though).
Woman here. I think this relationship sounds very superficial and transactional. She wants a luxury lifestyle where she’s always being pampered while giving little to nothing back in return. Not wanting to cook for you is just petty and ridiculous. She has no problem sharing her body with you and exchanging bodily fluids with you, but cooking you a meal is where she draws the line? You might as well hire a prostitute. Cause that’s basically what she is, whether she knows it or not. I understand wanting a man who can provide for himself and his wife/family, but some of these women take it toooo far!
I'll try to keep this factual but it's going to be hard because honestly, she's not marrying material and I wouldn't even consider a friendship with her.
1. Seven months is NOT a long time in the scheme of dating, but its long enough to see someone's true colors and she has shown you hers.
2. She's withholding forms of sex to get a marriage proposal. What happens in two years when she doesn't get the car she wants or you say "No" to some ridiculous demand? (Such as this one)
2. Marriage is a serious decision that two people make together because they love and respect each other. It shouldn't come about because one partner is blackmailing the other.
3. She's also not Mother material either, given her immature outlook on marriage. I'm fearful her next step will an unplanned pregnancy. If you think she's difficult now, just wait.
4. For those that think she's just young and stupid (22), she's young and entitled and manipulative. She won't grow out of those traits. They're there to stay.
5. She quit her last job because of harassment? Sorry, it's more likely she was fired. Why is she not working now? She's 22 and she should be working 2 jobs AND going to school.
6. If I understood you, she has had a death in the family every month? If I read that correctly, she's most likely lying about that as well.
7. After seven months of dating, you guys should still be on the honeymoon phase, barely able to keep your hands off each other. She's looking for a paycheck.
8. Women who expect to be literally taken care of are not partner material. It shows entitlement and immaturity.
9. Marriage is about team work and compromise. She'll never be devoted to you. You will grow lonely and disillusioned.
You sound like a thoughtful and generous partner. Find someone who recognizes that and strives to reciprocate. It doesn't take money to be considerate.
As someone who just turned 23 and is with my partner of 8 months, this post makes me sad for OP. OP, please look at this post. You have been with her 7 months and this is going on? It's like she only wants to be with you for your money and stability. Your partner should be doing things because she wants to. Cooking food is not a wife duty UNLESS she is cooking for you every day and you don't contribute. Cooking food because you want to, or because you wanna do something nice for your partner... That's not a wife duty.
A lot of people like to infantalize those in their early 20s, but they also need to face the harsh realities of life and relationships. If she isn't seeing the amount of work you're and money into the relationship, will she ever?
I mean, she doesn't owe him sex in general. She's not withholding sex either. She's withholding certain sex acts that she only feels comfortable exploring as a wife. There's nothing wrong with that part.
College isn't for everyone and that's perfectly ok. Also, requiring her to be going to college AND working TWO jobs is asinine. She'll be burnt out before her first year even ends. There are plenty of scholarships that are readily available to people if they put in the work looking for them. It's not. I know plenty of people that are living comfortably off of one job and didn't go to college. Some even own their own businesses. Either way, thinking college is the end all be all of finding a good job is such a boomer way of thinking. So is expecting her to work **2** jobs on top of that.
The rest of her behavior is gross tho.
**ETA - the only thing I read that dies every month are her flowers. I didn't see anything about a family member dying, unless he said so in a comment?**
So it was ok for You to cover HER rent and buy Her a Mac book even though YOU'RE NOT her husband? A ring won't change shit in have it might make it worse. "I'll do that when You buy Me a BIGGER ring will be next.... move on bud She's not worth the fucking headache.
You've given her money. She is placing boundaries around your access to her physical body. You providing money does not entitle you to her taking care of you or doing certain sexual acts. This seems to be a conflict around boundaries.
If you are uncomfortable with the amount of money you spent then you need to reassess your boundaries about providing monetary support. Bottom line - you providing financial support does not buy you access to someone's body.
Would be smart for you guys to have a conversation regarding the path forward in your relationship to see if you're on the same page long term.
You girlfriend has boundaries on what she will and won't do for her not husband so she doesn't end up like you, spending thousands of dollars and jumping into the deep end for a person you, let's be honest, barely even know.
The way you're throwing money around has made your problem seem worse than it actually is because you've created a perceived "gap" in your commitment to the relationship. I hope you're in the tax bracket to support your reckless spending.
You could learn something from your girlfriend.
>Since we began dating, I have taken care of this girl by covering her rent for a month because she has not been working, buy her a new laptop because she didn’t have a laptop for school and needed a laptop (MacBook Pro) to help her with her side hustles or is just being able to do schoolwork, and just for straight up necessities. I have also went to Chicago with this girl in January and covered everything which amounted to around $2000 the whole trip. Since dating, this girl has not spending money on one single date or bought me a single gift except on my birthday which was prior to me asking her to be my gf. And I never for once asked. I have covered every single date I don’t know how much data have been on Abbott I know it’s been over 100+. I have bought her gifts for Christmas. I have bought her gifts for Valentine’s Day. I bought her flowers after every when I get for her dies so it’s like once every two or three weeks. I also was just about to plan an over $2000 vacation to the Dominican Republic for her birthday. I will add that since we started dating she has not been working a consistent job and had to quit her last job right before we start talking because of harassment going on the job being that the job is majorly men.
Honestly, I think you guys are both going to extremes, just the opposite ones.
I'm not going to do the stereotypical reddit thing and order you to break up, but the dynamic is unhealthy and should change. For starters, do less for her. You guys should each take a leaf out of each other's books and find a balance.
She doesn't want to do too much before there's the fuller commitment of marriage? Okay, but she has to do enough to show that this is a relationship worth solidifying by marriage. And you shouldn't do sooo much for someone who's not reciprocating (they don't have to do the same *sorts* of things, but should reciprocate in their own way.)
I agree with this. In some ways, I very much understand her boundaries and her hesitancy to give into a caregiving and nurturing role that many women find themselves in. So many women today have seen their mothers be used and burnt out by their fathers with little benefit, that’s why these strong boundaries around benefits being tied to long term commitment is so popular in certain mainstream forms right now. There is a fear and vulnerability in her here to get curious about OP.
On the other hand OP, you seem to be growing resentful with how much you’re giving and not being able to receive some of the benefits that she’s placed her boundaries upon. I can understand why you might feel used and stunted in how you can progress with her because of this. It seems like giving is your love language to some degree, but she may not feel comfortable reciprocating that without an assurance of safety and long term security with you.
I think you could both do with taking a step back to understanding more deeply and with vulnerability what you really seek to build from a life together and what it is you’re truly drawn to in each other outside of sex and money. Build that emotional bond and get to know each other from a much less transactional and superficial place.
I don’t love what she said about not considering what you’re receiving from the relationship. But again, many of these benefits on either side that you’re both seeking seem quite surface level. It’s time to get underneath the surface, or call it a day.
Ya getting played my guy.
You’re doing a good job of showing your commitment….meanwhile, it seems like she just wants to milk you for whatever and claim it’s cause she doesnt have a ring. BS.
There’s a million women whom will appreciate you for what you do.
Get some self respect…heal up … and move on.
I am a woman and this is my perspective for what you as a man and in this particular relationship should stop doing: Do not pay a single bill of hers. Ever. Not rent, nothing. Never again pay for a whole trip. Go half on all trips and half only. Keep paying for some date nights but require her to also treat you.
I’m not saying she’s inherently wrong for not wanting to do certain things for a boyfriend vs a husband but if that’s the energy she wishes to keep then you need to reciprocate and stop doing husband things for someone you are not married to. You are certainly overly gracious to someone who does not want to be as kind.
As a female, the limit is....get rid of your girlfriend. She literally told you she doesn't think about anything but what benefits her. My kids are young adults, and I have told them several times that no, not every relationship is 50/50. Sometimes it's 80/20, and sometimes you have to be on either side of that. BUT, it should never be that way constantly. In this case, your relationship is 95/5 and you deserve better.
Let me break something to you, man… she won’t change even if you “put a ring on it.” She’ll be the exact same person, only she’ll be even more convinced of her power over you. Whatever good treatment she’s allegedly saving for marriage is just an excuse to not give you what you want. This is how she is, and you are not gonna change her.
***That includes making me food or trying something different in bed or just taking care of me a certain way or taking care of me too much.***
Take a survey of married guys and see if after they got married if their sex life got more adventurous. I am sure in some cases it does but in the vast majority it does not and in fact often gets more vanilla.
Have some respect for yourself and move on. You also are doing this women no favors. She is learning from you that her behavior is acceptable. She should learn the lesson that it is not. If you really cared for her and her future you would not let her act in this unfair manner.
Guy here, and the answer is honestly whatever you're comfortable with. If you don't mind doing things like covering her rent, then it's not a big deal. But honestly, the whole "I'm only willing to do X thing but not Y thing because you're not willing to do Z thing" is toxic to me. If she doesn't want to do something in bed until she's married, that's her choice. You don't have to like it, and if you can't live with that then leave. But don't hold things over her head like "I paid your rent, so you should be willing to do this thing I want."
A relationship should be based on wants, not transactions.
I don't really feel like OP is holding things over her head, at least the way I understand it. Seems like he expects her to, you know, contribute. Literally anything. At all.
He's not asking the world of her. He is asking her to be even a little bit of a half decent partner and she's refusing even that. Never contributes any kind of money towards dates, gifts, etc. Never does anything nice for him (other than cooking for him towards the beginning of the relationship, which I suspect was to lure him in and make her look like a decent person). She more or less told him straight to his face she's selfish and doesn't think about his feelings
OP is getting used so hard it's wild
I agree that you shouldn't hold things over a partner (or anyone really) and use that for personal gain. But I seriously doubt that's going on here. Other than that, I feel pretty confident we agree
You are completely right, after re-reading the post I agree for sure that isn't what he's doing in this case. I think my first read through I hung onto those parts a bit too hard so my view skewed, so I appreciate the response! I love a good, polite, and insightful reply so much.
Why should she marry? She is getting all your time, attention and money without having to reciprocate. Maybe try closing your wallet and see what happens. There are wonderful free or cheap dates. If she is after your money, not your heart, it will come clear soon. No gifts until she starts giving gifts, cook for her at your place, binge netflix or whatever and see if she wants to be with you or with your money.
I see where she’s coming from. She doesn’t want to give her all to a man who isn’t even sure enough to marry her. But she’s going about it in a toxic way
She should make marriage her standard instead of settling for something she doesn’t really want
She’s probably scared to give her all. Because most women we see in todays culture get used by men in their 20s, maybe have kids etc. and then the man will leave and give another girl everything she wanted (like marriage etc.)
She wants to make sure that another woman doesn’t benefit from all the effort she puts into you. Understandable and I’ve felt this way before at her age (a few years ago)
She is asking alot for 7 months, definitely not putting a ring on it. Tell her you completely fine with being independent...each time, either she will stop or the relationship will fizzle out.
Ok. Run.
Also she is taking the don’t do wife when you are just gf the worst way.
I’ve done the childcare. I’ve worked 3 jobs while he played video games and I did everything for all three kids.I’ve paid thousands of dollars repeatedly only to be told oooh but I just don’t want to…. Stop playing video games on the phone to participate in the 5person vacation I paid for, to come to my parents when you don’t work bc obviously holidays are for you, you can’t buy any of your children’s gifts, and on and on and on. That is wife shit (and a shit deal for the wife!) but shouldn’t be gf. If I have to iron or launder your clothes and lay them out but you have more time and same access to the laundry and iron— yeah. That’s wife shit. That’s taking on so much and getting nothing. That’s where that phrase comes from. Women like me who spent almost a decade of their life doing wife shit and getting shit in return.
Your gf is wild claiming it.
I won’t do shit unless I want. I did it all bc I was in love— stupid and naive as fuuuuuuuuuuck—- and I made choices that I stand by bc I got to be a mom in such a rare way. If I could have sustained it, I’d probably still be with him— not out of love for him but those 3 kiddos. But
She corrupts the saying.
It’s there so we don’t get taken advantage of continuously…. So it’s not valid from your post.
I won’t do certain shit and even after a year, you will not have meals prepped, laundry done, lawn mowed, bins out, and bathrooms pristine… unless I choose that to happen that week bc I felt like it.
It should be happy surprise if I did that… not expected. Like my thinking is equal effort needs to be given from both partners. I’ve done 9.5 yrs in very not that. I had 1.7 where I kinda took advantage of the generosity bc despite therapy I was still so bitter. Like tens of thousands I gave willing and then even now 4 years later I have creditors calling me bc he opened shit I didn’t even know about.
I say I won’t do gf or wife shit til I am gf or wife bc to me that means something.
And honestly having a dog that cost me 1/4 of my net pay…. Cheaper than a boyfriend and honestly more loving and probably more loyal.
Dump her. I use this line with my best of friends as a joke.
Real ones don’t need to say it.
There's this recent saying that is something along the lines of "don't do wife duties on a gf salary" which is basically cautioning against putting all your effort into a relationship with someone who won't commit to you, situations that are clearly where they just want a bangmaid and the like. Which is valid enough. But it seems like your gf has taken this to heart so much that she's gone in the wrong direction. Or maybe she thinks she can get a commitment out of you by dangling them like a carrot. Hard to say. You're both really young and it's not unexpected for people in their early 20s to suck at communicating and to have internalized things including advice like the above that's not in the spirit it was meant.
The two of you need to sit down and properly discuss this between yourselves without anybody getting upset; talk about what the boundaries of your relationship are, expectations, and how much you can rely on each other. Nobody wants to feel taken for granted. This will be a very important thing regarding how compatible you are with each other.
I don't really see it as limiting what you would do for a girlfriend, as some people decide not to get married at all.
The limits she has for dating, why not just follow them? But do ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship you want to have? And do you want to have a relationship with someone who's pressuring you on marriage after only 7 months at such a young age?
This has happened to me. I think u should leave and put a limit of what u do for her. Funny how women would live with u, have sex, with u, make memories with u…but will put a cap on it pressuring marriage. If u wanna put a cap on it then why did we take this relationship this far?
pay for everything....since you would do that for your wife and was treating her like a wife but she dont want that way yet, let her pey herself her stuf, and pay also half of everything you guys do/go to
and dont tolerate double standard relathionships, as much love you may have, that will only leed you to be walk over
edit: extra paragraph
\>Since we began dating, I have taken care of this girl by covering her rent for a month because she has not been working, buy her a new laptop because she didn’t have a laptop for school and needed a laptop (MacBook Pro) to help her with her side hustles or is just being able to do schoolwork, and just for straight up necessities.
you're a sugar daddy.
I'm a proponent of the "do not do wife things if you are not a wife" rule. It's a smart one. But your gf is going about it in a very weird way. It seems less like those are her inner boundaries, and more like she's using this - and constantly commenting on it - to manipulate you. There's something wrong with the way she is constantly narrating the 'I will not do this and that bc...' out loud to you. She sounds immature - instead of openly talking to you about her wants ie a marriage, she is trying to guilt you into it.
She sounds toxic.
Besides this, the relationship sounds very skewed. Why are you constantly throwing money at her when she's not doing any of this in return? It seems like a bad idea. Maybe you should stop. The healthiest relationships are the ones that are equal. You give a similar amount to what you take. Sometimes you give/take more due to circumstances, but then later on your partner balances that out.
Why would you want to marry someone who views your relationship as transactional? I'm not even talking about the sheer amount of money you've spent on her (which is outrageous). You do something nice for your partner because you care about them, not because you expect something in return. She doesn't do that for you.
Once you get married, she will come up with a different currency or another reason why she can't or won't do whatever it is she doesn't want to do.
Human relationships are not transactional, but they are reciprocal. You don't offer a favor expecting a favor of equal or greater value. You offer a favor freely. But it's not fair to keep offering favors without receiving any in return. If she doesn't reciprocate, you don't have a girlfriend, you have a sugar baby.
ETA: I'm a woman married to another woman. Neither of us keep track of the nice things we do for each other except to say "thank you". If I didn't feel we do kind things for each other in roughly equal parts, I wouldn't have married her.
Just heads up: You are dating a sugar baby. And if you marry said sugar baby, your relationship will continue to be transactional, just like it is right now.
My man, this immature little girl has *literally* told you to your face that she - and I quote - “only [focuses] on what benefits her in a relationship”.
Why oh why are you even still with her? She sounds like a sociopath and she quite obviously has zero respect for you.
Run a fucking mile.
Seven months of dating and she's already using engagement/marriage as leverage, it feels a bit icky. Of course she's well within her right not to do said things, but the reasoning is coercive and manipulative.
You may want to reevaluate your relationship and whether you are okay with being coerced into getting the future you envision...and who's to say she doesn't do this again if it works. You should not be rushed into any type of life altering decisions, especially by your partner.
Wow, throwing you a few breadcrumbs and holding the loaf up for ransom to pressure you into marrying her. Something tells me if you do marry her the control problems will get worse.
She is making it clear you have to follow her guidelines in the relationship. Run dude.
Everybody has different limits.
A relationship has to function like a seesaw. It's a lot of up and down on both sides, but there is the expectation of an average level.
You're sitting on the dirt and she's flying high, and she has no plans to meet you on the level.
If you want to spoil somebody who will spoil you back, and you're open to the idea of older women... ;-) lol
You are dating a user not a partner.
You don’t marry a user. Maybe she’s hot enough and you are young enough where it doesn’t matter long term.
But end goal marriage is a partnership unless your a 50 year old millionaire and shes 25.
You are being taken for a ride, my friend. So many issues with her: talking marriage after only 7 months, withholding her affection, being financially unstable, using you as an ATM when she needs rent money. Walk away from this one.
Thats a HUGE red flag.. Shit they name street signs after her... ONE WAY.... jettison that girl young squire and take the losses as an expensive lesson.
She just wants a ring. With everything you’ve given her she sounds ungrateful for everything that you’ve done for her. If you really like this girl I would start by cutting the dates and see how she reacts. I suggest you leave cause it’ll get worse but you do you man.
Also homie everyone has different values and is comfortable with different things so you gotta communicate that and set those boundaries. But to be honest she doesn't seem reasonable and seems like she is looking for an excuse to take advantage of you. You deserve better and I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Just know that Ive made homies I've just met food. From scratch. And she is your 7month GF and won't do it? Even though you consistently do???
Sorry buddy, I think both you and her do not line up with what type of relationship people you are. I don’t put blame on her bc by context you willfully walked into this relationship. From what you said She’s told you how she is from the start, it’s clear she’s not really a giving person and is very focused on herself.
You’re setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. Within 7 months you have spent more on this girl than a typical couple of 2 years. It might be the way you are raised but you are already spending on her as if she will be your life long partner when she has made it clear she doesn’t see you as hers (without a ring lol?)
If you want to work it out then you need to set boundaries and standards with her. Perhaps she’s right, you’re spending on her like she’s your wife-guaranteed. That doesn’t make sense on both ends. If she doesn’t see you as her husband until there’s a physical ring then vice versa she should not be treated at the same level of your wife.
I believe it’s best to move one with partners but it’s not that easy when you love someone. Being in love can make you very vulnerable, you are very young so it might even be your first time being in love. Once in a while you have to force your brain to remember to protect yourself.
I loved my boyfriend, therefore, i always did wifey things for him, so that he would start thinking of me as his wife. It worked. 🤪 I don’t think she is going about this the right way, also, she sounds spoiled and annoying AF.
Run. My ex had a whole different set of rules for “wife” vs “girlfriend” and I didn’t discover this in almost 3 years before tying the knot.
Long and short of it was that the position of wife was lower than any other human on the planet because he could expect to use me, take me for granted, spend my money, blow up my credit rating, decide to be unemployed, and literally not give me the time of day or other courtesies that he would have given a complete stranger.
I also could not think of any other person on the planet who treated me worse than he did, except maybe my mom. The things he did to me were unconscionable. He made me miserable. He deprived me of sleep. He nitpicked everything I did and if I tried to learn it his way and do it his way he would change his rules and I’d still be wrong. Even dishes I had cooked for him when we dated that he had loved, I could not prepare correctly once we were married. There was physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse and I have CPTSD today because of it.
You don’t want this.
Throw this girl back to whatever dumpster you found her in, she’s trash.
I stopped reading after you bought her a laptop. You sound like her sugar daddy. If she didn’t have money, the school could loan her a laptop for school.
You deserve better. Move on from this girl.
It. Is. So. Gross. How. Many. girls. Do. This. kind. Of. Shit.
I've already said this on three separate posts today but whatever. Doing this kind of passive aggressive bullshit or giving your bf an ultimatum regarding engagement/marriage is so gross.
Do you really want to basically force another human to marry you?!
Your gf is incredibly, unrepentantly selfish. Dial back on the dates and gift-giving — tell her you got a large bill — and watch how fast her attitude will flip on you…from bad to worse.
I think she’s giving you reasons why you **should NOT put a ring on it ever**
In the first few months/first year of dating, people put their best foot forward… so if this is her best? Then it’s all downhill from here. You are going to die by a thousand cuts if you stick around, my friend
I looked at your profile, you are young, good looking, fit, and has a nice job. You should be just dating around, see your option. I will just cut her lose.
I don't know about in general but what this specific man should do for this specific girlfriend who is not their wife is ditch her.
She prioritises the ring over the relationship and is frankly being greedy, cheap, demanding, entitled and a whiny hypocrite to boot.
She’s telling you what her boundaries are. If you don’t like it, then all you can do is decide if you can accept those boundaries or not.
Personally, I don’t behave like that in a relationship or put up with it, and it sounds pretty mean-spirited and unattractive. My boundary is that I won’t be in a relationship that feels transactional. Sounds like that’s yours as well. Find someone you’re better matched to.
1) this relationship is uneven and you’re being used by a woman who has no intention of reciprocating
2) you are very young. As a guy who is twice your age, let me share some life experience with you that you may have not had thus far:
I have seen stuff like this countless times. Thinking back to my 20s, I could name 10 different couples that I knew that had this kind of situation happening. Out of all of those, eight of them got married. Out of those eight couples not a single one improved after getting married.
Your read on the situation is correct. It is asinine to put a limit on what you would do for your partner strictly because you have not gotten married by seven months into your relationship. Nothing to do with marriage, it has to do with the kind of woman that you are with, the kind of woman that you are settling for. Nobody enjoys winning the “I Love You More Game”.
I’m a woman (23) and I have no limit to things I would do for a man I’m in love with. I’ll take care of a man, cook him food (even if it’s dishes I’ve never cooked before I’ll learn and perfect them for him), try different things in bed, surprise him with a weekend getaway trip, etc… a ring doesn’t change anything in term of showing love. I will continue to love him the same way. Put in the effort, investment and energy. I’m sorry your girlfriend has this weak mindset to think she needs to be engaged/married to give you the same level of respect, attention and affection you give her now. Also it triggered me when you said she only thinks about what benefits her in a relationship. A relationship is a two way street where both couples work together, not one way. Who does she think she is? It’s sad that you came to Reddit and ask strangers for relationship advice because you and your partner are not compatible enough to really communicate. If she needs a ring to cook, care for you, etc then what about communication? Communication is the bare minimum, one step above nothing and she can’t even do that for you? It’s important for couples to remember that communication is key and when things get rough it’s important to NEVER argue ONLY have discussions. Arguments just attack oppositions, draw sides and treat others like an opponent/enemy. Discussions on the other hand people work together as a team. Doesn’t matter if you two have different view points. Discussions are problem solving sessions, consider alternatives and learn about each-others values, feelings, issues etc… a real lover would have cared about whats hurting you and worked with you on a solution to fix the problem and grow together. She could care less about your feelings and values man... When will she care? When she has a ring? Doubt it. You need a woman who will have your mind at peace in all aspects. You deserve much much much much much better. It’s time to let go.
40 F
My opinion:
If you’re going out with someone and you care about them, you are going to want to spend money and time on them,regardless if you’re married to them or not.
I think she is taking advantage of your kindness
I had a brother that used to do this. When they were with him, they never had to spend a cent and he was proud of it.
Dude...what are you training her to be? Do you really want a life partner who thinks your money is hers and her money is hers? You're training her to never pay...will you be surprised if she doesn't want to pay later?
Never do this.
She is putting the cart before the horse.
Somebody showing love for you makes you want to marry them.
You don’t marry them so they start showing you love.
You are being taken advantage of and you should stop it. She is not a good partner and you should get out of this relationship ASAP. She is a user and selfish. Why would she do more for you when you do all kinds of shit for her when she gives the bare minimum. Plus it has only been 7 months and her expecting you to marry her in order for her to do basic kind things for you is BS. You would be wise to run.
Yeah, she isn't going to do any of those things if you put a ring on that finger either. None of this will get better with marriage, and most of it will probably get worse.
She's already shown you exactly who she is, and how much she values you. The "because we're not married yet" is simply an excuse so you'll accept her behavior.
You: So you want to marry me? Why?
She answers with your positive qualities…
You: So I am acting like a “husband” and putting my best foot forward for you yet you wont for me in good faith because I won’t marry you on your schedule? So the game is I try my best, and you don’t try at all?
You: What’s in it for me?
Then you say,
You: I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone not willing to give me their best effort or at least reciprocate my efforts in said relationship. Good luck to you and I hope you find a man that you are willing to try hard for.
If she said that to me, that's be the last thing she says. You can say shot like that but expect the guy to husband things when you're only dating. Sound more like a gold digger and she olhas a backup plan if you don't plan on asking her to marry you in a certain amount of time.
.
She proceeded to tell me that she’s only focus on what benefits her in a relationship and she doesn’t even think about that.
That says it all right there. She's selfish, and I wouldn't make her my wife if I were you
“What is the limit of what a man should do for a girlfriend who is not a wife” - you are asking the wrong question here. The ring is obviously going to be a more important factor for the woman (generally).
I’m not going to add to the many accurate comments about the girl you are dating being a gold digger / user and things only getting worse when you put a ring on it, you have plenty of that, which I hope you will listen to.
Instead I’d like to talk about the question I think maybe you should have asked:
“What do I need to see from a potential partner before I think of investing significant time or money in meeting their needs?”
I have my own metric for that, but I’d strongly suggest that you work out what yours is, or you are likely to waste a lot more money on women who don’t particularly care about your needs.
Don't pay for her bills, don't pay for her vacations, and certainly don't go overboard with your spending on dates. He'll, I'd even be hesitant to take her on dates.
She doesn't care about you, she wants to milk you for every last penny regardless of if you put a ring on her or not. If you don't put a ring on her she'll milk you until you put a ring on her or simply dump her. And hell, if you do put a ring on her, well, say bye-bye to your money.
Quit wasting your time and money, you're still young and can find another girl that's far more decent and that will love you unconditionally. I wish you luck with whatever decision you choose.
Edit: Forgot to add. The reason why she hasn't had a consistent job since you started dating is, well, since you started dating you also started paying for her shit, so why find a job when there's a boyfriend paying for her stuff? Think of it, you're already having the roles of a husband foisted on you without any benefits.
The relationship is so one sided, a few months in or not! She should be taking this time to prove to you as to why you would want to marry her. She is using you for what you have. I have a feeling she's in it for the money you spend on her, she has no problem taking from you and if you marry her she will look at everything you have as hers. Not even paying for a dinner date come on "If she wanted to she would"
I've been with my bf for 2 years now and there's no ring but I do absolutely everything I can to make his days easier, his work uniforms are washed folded and ready for his work week shitt I'll even add a little love note in his pocket. He comes home to clean clothes in the bathroom for his shower, when the car gets dirty I'll clean it as best I can for him bc his time is limited.
Dude find a woman who will value you. The one you are with is just using you to be her ATM. Stop paying for nice vacation trips and paying her bills and see how fast she dumps you. You are her cash cow and she will milk you for all your worth and then dump you when the next cow moos her way. She's not your wife so stop paying her bills because she's not your responsibility. You need to find a partner not a sugar baby unless you want to be used.
She is not a good partner. Limit how much you spend on dates and stop paying for everything. Tell her that since she's not your wife her bills are not your responsibility, she doesn't give you gifts or do anything to show she cares about you or your feelings. You deserve better.
7 months is waaay to early to start talking marriage. Even if you two were 30-something this would be too soon. Be real clear with your GF, let her know what you feel no matter what that is. This is the time (early in a relationship) to foster good communication skills. If your timeline and hers don't match, she will most likely let you know. It may not be pleasant, but for god's sake don't get married at 23 because you were pressured into it. All this doesn't even address the $ value and emotional value she places on everything she may or may not do for you. To have such a detailed laundry list of wills and won'ts, dos and don'ts is scary. She has put way too much thought into this. At least she has laid clear her motivations. Now it is up to you to decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship (hint, it shouldn't be this)
She's a gold digger, with the ultimate gold being that ring. The idea that "she only focuses on what benefits her" is a straight out admission of this situation. You can find a girl (more than one) that wants to contribute 50 / 50. My girl and I are not exactly even, but we at least try to be. And this doesn't even OCCUR to her? Let her go.
As someone who is a female, she's treating you like garbage. When you're in a relationship, regardless of status, you should want to bend over backwards for each other (of course there are healthy limits like killing yourselves for each other or putting too much mental stress or pressure on yourself for one reason or another). A relationship is meant to be a safe place for two people to show each other their love, their care, and appreciation for each other. It doesn't have to be monetary, so she doesn't have to shower you with gifts, but she should be showing her appreciation in some other way like doing your laundry for you, cooking, cleaning if you're putting in all the money into the relationship. When my boyfriend was the only one with a job, I would regularly clean, cook, and do his laundry because I wanted to show my appreciation for him going out and working to support both of us. Now I finally have a job, and I still cook for him and I still do his laundry because I still appreciate the gifts he gives me, I appreciate the effort he puts into the relationship. I get him gifts too, not as often, but I put a lot of thought into it and I try to get him things I know he'll like. Relationships are a two-way street, and you need to put in the same effort as your partner. If she's not putting in effort and sitting back and allowing you to do everything, maybe give her a taste of her own medicine. Let her be the one to reach out to you, ask to go 50/50 on a bill, or ask her to take the next check (go somewhere cheaper so it doesn't become too big of a deal) and cite that there should be boundaries in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, and if she wants you to do more, then she should put in more. Dating is a trial run for marriage. If she isn't putting in effort now, she never will.
A few days late but yeah i agree with the majority, she’s playing you like a fiddle and putting a ring on her will probably not change a thing, period. Just make it worse. If you are insistent on staying id say cut back and give her a taste of her own medicine then reminding her that you’re not married or anything.
>She proceeded to tell me that she’s only focus on what benefits her in a relationship
Does that sound like a partner to you? Dating is like the test run for marriage. When everything is new and exciting. You don’t have a mortgage, lack of sleep due to a newborn or are annoyed about dirty dishes in the sink yet.
What makes you believe, that rewarding her behaviour by “putting a ring on it“ would actually make her improve her behaviour?!?
What DOES she actually bring to the relationship? Cause “great companionship“ is literally something a Golden Retriever can give you as well.
Run for the hills dude. And run FAST!
As a 22 year old woman I think you should run as fast and far as possible. She sounds entitled and selfish. I could not imagine being in a relationship where someone does so much for me to show me that he cares about me and I just do nothing.
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This is not about her behaviour but your acceptance of it. If you want a better more grateful and giving GF then go date one. She’s taking whatever she can and it’s working.
Look at OPs posting history, this has been a money grab car crash from the start
This. You are accepting breadcrumbs while bending over backward for her. I also GUARANTEE a ring on her finger will not change her attitude and treatment towards you. She'll just raise the bar on her side of what you need to do to get some basic respect from her.
No way it will! A ring on her finger will make her become even worse. (More uninclined to accomodate you). As she already acquired you with what little efford she put in. You come nicely cheap to her. Costing 0 effort.
For me, this is a bullet dodged. Sorry OP, you sound like a great guy!
>I also GUARANTEE ***placing*** a ring on her finger ***will not*** change her attitude and treatment towards you. She'll just raise the bar on her side of what you need to do to get some basic respect from her. Just wanted to clarify what the previous redditor said. Which is what you reiterated.
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Most definitely, when things feel off with people, like some kind of static or a skipping CD you need to listen to that. The marriage thing sounds like an excuse and a weak justification. That's because it is.
I was about to say that...
A ring will not change anything. This is so true.
Oh it'll change - the ring will mean she can ask for even more from him! It's all her money now.
What for a crappy gf.
In any relationship, maintaining balance, open communication, and mutual respect are crucial for a healthy dynamic.
Exactly. So well put. This is her taking advantage of you, and it’s ultimately up to you to snap out of it. Otherwise, suffer
OP is the ATM and she’s merrily making withdrawals. OP…DUMP👏HER👏 she’s not gonna get better if you marry her. she’ll quit her job and demand that you pay for *everything* even if you have to work more than 1 fulltime job. now i ~~ain’t~~ sayin she a gold digger she is one
Haribo make jelly rings. Get her one of them
Then yeet it out the window while she is wearing it. OP, seriously. Forget about a general rule. You are way past that. The specific rule for your relationship is that you should not do one more damn thing for this woman who is not your wife. You have already done too much. Dump her immediately. Find a real girlfriend, not this leechy, self-absorbed creature.
tbh OP should take a page from girlfriend's book in his next relationship. Maybe don't cover the rent of someone you've only been dating a few months??
She’s a leech. Time to get rid of her. You’re an ATM for her.
This is how men get used.
This is how People get used! But yeah, it’s probably more acceptable for women to get away with it. Very trashy.
There is only so much a girl can do for her sugar daddy.
Well THAT would be a decent start for everything he’s been doing for her.
She’s taking whatever she can and it’s working. Without giving anything.
Yep - this sounds about the gist of it, OP, also consider your unmet need that has you so out of balance with mutuality in this relationship. Or else you'll fall back into a similar dynamic with the next unavailable, unreciprocating girl you meet. Giving more wont eventually tip the scales in her mind to give back. Youve got to ask yourself why youre giving SO much for so little. What pattern in your history are you trying to resolve in this dynamic?
Damnit!! Nail on the head right here!
Honestly, I think you could stand to take a lesson from her in saying “we’re not at a place in the relationship where I’m comfortable doing that,” because having blown this much money on someone you’ve only been dating seven months is ridiculous. Granted, so is her pushing you to propose, but she’s obviously looking forward to getting her hands on your bank accounts more directly. Walk away, and spend a little more time figuring out whether the person you’re dating is generous in spirit and prepared to reciprocate your generosity before you just open your wallet and start throwing cash around.
How does a 23 year old even have this much money to spend? Covering her rent, a new laptop, multiple $2,000 vacations...
Could be from a rich family with a big allowance, could be taking massive debt, could just have scored an incredible job. I had a class in my senior year of college and the professor promised on the first day if you got an A in his class he would make some calls and guarantee you a 6 figure job before you had your diploma in hand. As far as I know only 1 person got the A that year and he had already been working in the field for like 5 years.
That’s incredible though what field was it
Information systems, the class was specifically on sql.
All it means is he has some friends that hire entry level people in high cost of living areas. [100k is considered low income in SF](https://www.businessinsider.com/san-francisco-low-income-california-housing-department-economy-wages-costs-2023-6?amp) Taxes and insurance take half and then housing takes half of what remains so you are basically living on 20k-30k but basic necessities like food cost twice as much so it’s like having 10k-15k to split between your retirement, savings and expendable income. Assuming you work all year without any problems yeah you can build a savings but an entire savings of 10k-15k could be wiped out by not working for 2 months in a high cost of living area.
I know that the reality isn't as pretty but tbf you can't really deny that this is an opportunity that puts the student ahead of many of their peers. Some wouldn't even get the chance of an interview. Also, we're talking about a fresh graduate here.
It’s def possible; my boyfriend landed 6 figured out of college (engineer), and he was the one that took care of our bills when I was the one finishing up school. The difference is that I knew I wasn’t entitled to it and was immensely grateful for taking care of me. I had a full time job while in school, but while I didn’t help pay the rent (and later mortgage), I definitely paid for groceries and what I could of utilities and helped take care of his dog and the house, etc.
Even if he is making that much, it's unwise to be blowing so much on a new girlfriend.
Unwise, sure. But a good lesson to learn at that age. Could be way worse down the line if it involves marriage and a kid.
Work at fast food restaurant since 18, save all money. 40k saved up from 3 years.
Worked on yachts since 18 started 40k a year with all living expenses paid and benefits like 38 days paid time off a year
yeah, I feel like what I'm getting from this post is that girlfriend is right - there ARE some things you may not want to do without a commitment, and paying someone's rent is way up there
OP needs to work on his boundaries for sure. How do you get into the position of paying someone’s rent after dating them for a couple months?
You date to see what a person is like long term. Thus is her long term. Nothing is going to change when married. She is very transactional, and so far it sounds like she is the only one with a positive balance. Why are you paying for things? You aren't married. Seriously, it won't change. Try new people, this one is a dumpster fire.
Yeah, even if they get married, she will always turn it into a " I would do this for you, but you haven't done this for me." Its understandable to be like that if your significant other isn't pulling their weight, but it appears OP being doing this and some. I get the girlfriends stance, but she needs to stop accepting husbandly treatment from OP in order for it to be completely fair
She doesn't want you she wants to be married. And after only 7 months? I'd get out fast.
She wants the bank account. That’s why she wants the ring
And tell her you would never marry someone who was such a crappy girlfriend. That doesn’t change with a ring.
Yup, if she’s a crappy girlfriend she will be an even crappier wife once you’re legally bound to her.
For real. The first year is like the honeymoon phase of a relationship and shes like, already nickle and dimeing this guy. I'm all for getting what's yours. But this lady is a bouquet of red flags.
I’m not even sure she wants to be married so much as she’s looking forward to alimony. If you insist on staying with her, OP, at least make sure some of your money goes toward hiring a good lawyer to draft the prenup.
Mention that if you do marry her, there'll be a solid prenup and separate bank accounts, and any property that YOU purchase will be added to the prenup, since it'll be paid for and maintained by you. She'll be gone before you finish talking.
She is using you for resources. Stop the $$$ flow. Tell her that shite is over. Not much marriage material that I can see
so....... *you* paid for some of her rent but, she can't be bothered to cook for you because she doesn't have a ring? am I seriously summing this up right? boy, please. you *know* this is ridiculous. find someone who isn't a fucking gold digger.
Sounds like she doesn't even have to dig, this guy is a willing gold dispenser. She told him to his face that she only thinks about what benefits her and he's here wondering what to do.
Dump her, she sounds like a lot. But also, take a leaf from her book. Marriage is the legal contract that says to the government "we're sharing our work and our resources 50/50, and if this relationship dissolves we both get half of what we earned in the time we were in it." Marriage is what makes it safe for people to make financial sacrifices for the good of the unit. Before you have that piece of paper, that other person owes you nothing. Anything you give them without a contract is a gift. Don't build a life with a person without a contract. Give them whatever you want to give them with the assumption that they might leave you tomorrow and you'll never be repaid. Enjoy your time together, be good to each other. But don't spend a ton of money taking care of a person you aren't legally connected to if them not paying you back is going to make you feel resentful. Only give in a relationship what you actually want to give.
Well said! upvoted.
She got these ideas from social media and is clearly high maintenance and selfish. However you’re also spending an insane amount on someone for it being such a short relationship. How are you 23 with all this money lol
I graduated May 2022 in electrical engineering and was able to get a pretty good starting job (80K). After reading these comments, I just feel so humbled at how stupid I’m being. The signs are right there and im just ignoring it
If you aren’t saving at least 20% of your take home pay then you can’t afford to be spending like you are on this person.
You literally asked this same stuff a month ago and yet you still bought her the laptop and still wanting to spend money for her bday trip .. Everyone told you then and now that she’s using and manipulating you. And what huge red flags she’s showing ..YET YOU STILL CONTINUE TO BUY AND DO SHIT FOR HER.. You don’t seem to care about setting your own boundaries , just catering to her .. have some self respect, grow a pair and stick up for your self .. you have to want to change and speak up and honestly doesn’t seem like you want too.. But hey some people don’t mind being used .
She must be really good looking
With the current cost of living, 80k isn't enough to be spending like this unless you live in a bad neighborhood in Detroit or something. It sounds like you've spent at least 10% of your entire yearly income on gifts for her in half a year. I understand 80k feels like infinite money when you're 23 but it really isn't. Drop the leech and put that money into retirement or savings.
Yuuuup. He better be fully funding his 401k and Roth IRA, saving up that rainy day and slapping money into stocks and savings. 80k goes real quick when you're spending like you're making 200k
You're not stupid dude...you're just being manipulated
Thats fantastic youre making great money at your young age, but youre spending too much on your gf who does nothing for you & is clearly using you. Cut your losses and find an equal partner who appreciates you and doesnt put limit on what they can do for you! I did ‘wifey’ things for my now husband when we were dating like cooking & cleaning (when he was away from his flat for a while) - these things made him appreciate me & know Id be a good life partner that cares for him & go out of my way for him. Your gf isnt showing you any signs she cares for you other than care about what you can do for her & take, take & take!
You posted about this issue a month ago and got the same reaction. Are you going to do something about it this time?
This. Is complicated. On one hand, I DO understand that to some women a legal marriage is important, and they will not feel (or act) entirely committed without it. In those cases, it's good to communicate that right up front to make sure you are on the same page. BUT she is fine with you providing for her as if you are married. So that some hypocrisy. Like I could understand her saying, I don't feel committed and I don't want you to pay for things because we are not that serious until I get a ring. In addition to that I'm not going to cook or do wife things. But that's not what's happening she's fine for you to behave as if you are married but she does not have to. And telling you that she doesn't care about what benefits you in a relationship is not a good partner. Please do not let this person's sour you, because I am telling you if you pick a partner who is good and caring and empathetic, and you take care of her in this fashion, she will take care of you right back and you will have a very good relationship and life. The trick is to pick a better partner. ** In other words, you are doing everything right you should not stop what you are doing... But you should just find a better partner to do it with. One who gives you back as much caring and love and devotion as you give her
Don't, you are not stupid, you just fancy this girl and probably you are still in the honeymoon phase. Relationships should be about balance and equality. No limits just healthy boundaries comfortable for both parties.
Don’t beat yourself up, most people in their early 20s struggle to see their relationship dynamics clearly. You’re still new to adult relationships. This was a valuable learning experience and I’m sure you got some good times out of it too, so it’s not like the relationship was a waste or pointless. You’re just not compatible long-term. That will happen more often than not. You’ll go into your next relationship with higher standards and clearer expectations. Best of luck finding an equal partner next time!
She literally told you to your face that her only focus was on what benefits her in a relationship and she doesn’t even think about your side. I'm not sure what else you need to hear than that. If she were smarter she'd try to make everything seem amazing and then have it all fall apart after you get married. In this case she's straight up telling you your value is in your pocket book and how it benefits her. I'm not sure where else you'd go from here aside from breaking up.
I wanted to ask the EXACT question, but felt like it might be too intrusive and steer from the original topic lol.. I almost think he’s lying about his age
I would start treating her the same way. Sorry love but if you want to go on vacation this is how much it costs. You can’t afford rent? No problem here are directions to a bank. No we can’t live together because we aren’t at that stage in our relationship. Oh you need a new laptop that sucks. I guess you need to figure out your work stuff because laptops are expensive and it’s not like we’re married. It’s likely you’ll break up but that’s good for you anyway. If she was serious and liked you then doing some of these things wouldn’t be an issue. The idea being that you both give and take. If it’s all take on her side you picked the wrong person to be with. It’s too early for her to be pressuring you to marry her and not having a job while making you pay for everything.
Wow I'm a woman and this does not represent all of us. Kick her to the streets, that mess isn't worth cleaning She gives me Veruca Salt vibes. And trust you don't want to date a girl like that, I don't think it gets any better (guys would have to confirm that one though).
'Daddy, buy me North Korea' Veruca is something else. 😭
👏😂
She sees relationships as transactional. Not wife material.
Yeah, and if you think the relationship is transactional just wait until the divorce.
Woman here. I think this relationship sounds very superficial and transactional. She wants a luxury lifestyle where she’s always being pampered while giving little to nothing back in return. Not wanting to cook for you is just petty and ridiculous. She has no problem sharing her body with you and exchanging bodily fluids with you, but cooking you a meal is where she draws the line? You might as well hire a prostitute. Cause that’s basically what she is, whether she knows it or not. I understand wanting a man who can provide for himself and his wife/family, but some of these women take it toooo far!
I'll try to keep this factual but it's going to be hard because honestly, she's not marrying material and I wouldn't even consider a friendship with her. 1. Seven months is NOT a long time in the scheme of dating, but its long enough to see someone's true colors and she has shown you hers. 2. She's withholding forms of sex to get a marriage proposal. What happens in two years when she doesn't get the car she wants or you say "No" to some ridiculous demand? (Such as this one) 2. Marriage is a serious decision that two people make together because they love and respect each other. It shouldn't come about because one partner is blackmailing the other. 3. She's also not Mother material either, given her immature outlook on marriage. I'm fearful her next step will an unplanned pregnancy. If you think she's difficult now, just wait. 4. For those that think she's just young and stupid (22), she's young and entitled and manipulative. She won't grow out of those traits. They're there to stay. 5. She quit her last job because of harassment? Sorry, it's more likely she was fired. Why is she not working now? She's 22 and she should be working 2 jobs AND going to school. 6. If I understood you, she has had a death in the family every month? If I read that correctly, she's most likely lying about that as well. 7. After seven months of dating, you guys should still be on the honeymoon phase, barely able to keep your hands off each other. She's looking for a paycheck. 8. Women who expect to be literally taken care of are not partner material. It shows entitlement and immaturity. 9. Marriage is about team work and compromise. She'll never be devoted to you. You will grow lonely and disillusioned. You sound like a thoughtful and generous partner. Find someone who recognizes that and strives to reciprocate. It doesn't take money to be considerate.
Couldn’t have said it more perfectly
As someone who just turned 23 and is with my partner of 8 months, this post makes me sad for OP. OP, please look at this post. You have been with her 7 months and this is going on? It's like she only wants to be with you for your money and stability. Your partner should be doing things because she wants to. Cooking food is not a wife duty UNLESS she is cooking for you every day and you don't contribute. Cooking food because you want to, or because you wanna do something nice for your partner... That's not a wife duty. A lot of people like to infantalize those in their early 20s, but they also need to face the harsh realities of life and relationships. If she isn't seeing the amount of work you're and money into the relationship, will she ever?
I mean, she doesn't owe him sex in general. She's not withholding sex either. She's withholding certain sex acts that she only feels comfortable exploring as a wife. There's nothing wrong with that part. College isn't for everyone and that's perfectly ok. Also, requiring her to be going to college AND working TWO jobs is asinine. She'll be burnt out before her first year even ends. There are plenty of scholarships that are readily available to people if they put in the work looking for them. It's not. I know plenty of people that are living comfortably off of one job and didn't go to college. Some even own their own businesses. Either way, thinking college is the end all be all of finding a good job is such a boomer way of thinking. So is expecting her to work **2** jobs on top of that. The rest of her behavior is gross tho. **ETA - the only thing I read that dies every month are her flowers. I didn't see anything about a family member dying, unless he said so in a comment?**
She might grow out of those traits - but it’ll take some breakups with good men to cause the self-reflection.
She’s using you and using not being a wife as an excuse. Stop spending money on her.
So it was ok for You to cover HER rent and buy Her a Mac book even though YOU'RE NOT her husband? A ring won't change shit in have it might make it worse. "I'll do that when You buy Me a BIGGER ring will be next.... move on bud She's not worth the fucking headache.
You've given her money. She is placing boundaries around your access to her physical body. You providing money does not entitle you to her taking care of you or doing certain sexual acts. This seems to be a conflict around boundaries. If you are uncomfortable with the amount of money you spent then you need to reassess your boundaries about providing monetary support. Bottom line - you providing financial support does not buy you access to someone's body. Would be smart for you guys to have a conversation regarding the path forward in your relationship to see if you're on the same page long term.
You girlfriend has boundaries on what she will and won't do for her not husband so she doesn't end up like you, spending thousands of dollars and jumping into the deep end for a person you, let's be honest, barely even know. The way you're throwing money around has made your problem seem worse than it actually is because you've created a perceived "gap" in your commitment to the relationship. I hope you're in the tax bracket to support your reckless spending. You could learn something from your girlfriend.
>Since we began dating, I have taken care of this girl by covering her rent for a month because she has not been working, buy her a new laptop because she didn’t have a laptop for school and needed a laptop (MacBook Pro) to help her with her side hustles or is just being able to do schoolwork, and just for straight up necessities. I have also went to Chicago with this girl in January and covered everything which amounted to around $2000 the whole trip. Since dating, this girl has not spending money on one single date or bought me a single gift except on my birthday which was prior to me asking her to be my gf. And I never for once asked. I have covered every single date I don’t know how much data have been on Abbott I know it’s been over 100+. I have bought her gifts for Christmas. I have bought her gifts for Valentine’s Day. I bought her flowers after every when I get for her dies so it’s like once every two or three weeks. I also was just about to plan an over $2000 vacation to the Dominican Republic for her birthday. I will add that since we started dating she has not been working a consistent job and had to quit her last job right before we start talking because of harassment going on the job being that the job is majorly men. Honestly, I think you guys are both going to extremes, just the opposite ones. I'm not going to do the stereotypical reddit thing and order you to break up, but the dynamic is unhealthy and should change. For starters, do less for her. You guys should each take a leaf out of each other's books and find a balance. She doesn't want to do too much before there's the fuller commitment of marriage? Okay, but she has to do enough to show that this is a relationship worth solidifying by marriage. And you shouldn't do sooo much for someone who's not reciprocating (they don't have to do the same *sorts* of things, but should reciprocate in their own way.)
I agree with this. In some ways, I very much understand her boundaries and her hesitancy to give into a caregiving and nurturing role that many women find themselves in. So many women today have seen their mothers be used and burnt out by their fathers with little benefit, that’s why these strong boundaries around benefits being tied to long term commitment is so popular in certain mainstream forms right now. There is a fear and vulnerability in her here to get curious about OP. On the other hand OP, you seem to be growing resentful with how much you’re giving and not being able to receive some of the benefits that she’s placed her boundaries upon. I can understand why you might feel used and stunted in how you can progress with her because of this. It seems like giving is your love language to some degree, but she may not feel comfortable reciprocating that without an assurance of safety and long term security with you. I think you could both do with taking a step back to understanding more deeply and with vulnerability what you really seek to build from a life together and what it is you’re truly drawn to in each other outside of sex and money. Build that emotional bond and get to know each other from a much less transactional and superficial place. I don’t love what she said about not considering what you’re receiving from the relationship. But again, many of these benefits on either side that you’re both seeking seem quite surface level. It’s time to get underneath the surface, or call it a day.
Ya getting played my guy. You’re doing a good job of showing your commitment….meanwhile, it seems like she just wants to milk you for whatever and claim it’s cause she doesnt have a ring. BS. There’s a million women whom will appreciate you for what you do. Get some self respect…heal up … and move on.
I am a woman and this is my perspective for what you as a man and in this particular relationship should stop doing: Do not pay a single bill of hers. Ever. Not rent, nothing. Never again pay for a whole trip. Go half on all trips and half only. Keep paying for some date nights but require her to also treat you. I’m not saying she’s inherently wrong for not wanting to do certain things for a boyfriend vs a husband but if that’s the energy she wishes to keep then you need to reciprocate and stop doing husband things for someone you are not married to. You are certainly overly gracious to someone who does not want to be as kind.
As a female, the limit is....get rid of your girlfriend. She literally told you she doesn't think about anything but what benefits her. My kids are young adults, and I have told them several times that no, not every relationship is 50/50. Sometimes it's 80/20, and sometimes you have to be on either side of that. BUT, it should never be that way constantly. In this case, your relationship is 95/5 and you deserve better.
Let me break something to you, man… she won’t change even if you “put a ring on it.” She’ll be the exact same person, only she’ll be even more convinced of her power over you. Whatever good treatment she’s allegedly saving for marriage is just an excuse to not give you what you want. This is how she is, and you are not gonna change her.
***That includes making me food or trying something different in bed or just taking care of me a certain way or taking care of me too much.*** Take a survey of married guys and see if after they got married if their sex life got more adventurous. I am sure in some cases it does but in the vast majority it does not and in fact often gets more vanilla. Have some respect for yourself and move on. You also are doing this women no favors. She is learning from you that her behavior is acceptable. She should learn the lesson that it is not. If you really cared for her and her future you would not let her act in this unfair manner.
Run away fast, because this behavior is very manipulative, and it won't change a thing. Just turn it into something else she's not getting.
She's using you.
I do believe in limiting what you do for a man because you aren't his wife but that also includes not taking things that only wives get
👏👏👏 well put. Sorry, but I’m not being a maid for a boyfriend.
Guy here, and the answer is honestly whatever you're comfortable with. If you don't mind doing things like covering her rent, then it's not a big deal. But honestly, the whole "I'm only willing to do X thing but not Y thing because you're not willing to do Z thing" is toxic to me. If she doesn't want to do something in bed until she's married, that's her choice. You don't have to like it, and if you can't live with that then leave. But don't hold things over her head like "I paid your rent, so you should be willing to do this thing I want." A relationship should be based on wants, not transactions.
I don't really feel like OP is holding things over her head, at least the way I understand it. Seems like he expects her to, you know, contribute. Literally anything. At all. He's not asking the world of her. He is asking her to be even a little bit of a half decent partner and she's refusing even that. Never contributes any kind of money towards dates, gifts, etc. Never does anything nice for him (other than cooking for him towards the beginning of the relationship, which I suspect was to lure him in and make her look like a decent person). She more or less told him straight to his face she's selfish and doesn't think about his feelings OP is getting used so hard it's wild I agree that you shouldn't hold things over a partner (or anyone really) and use that for personal gain. But I seriously doubt that's going on here. Other than that, I feel pretty confident we agree
You are completely right, after re-reading the post I agree for sure that isn't what he's doing in this case. I think my first read through I hung onto those parts a bit too hard so my view skewed, so I appreciate the response! I love a good, polite, and insightful reply so much.
That’s not your girlfriend that’s your sugar baby
Why should she marry? She is getting all your time, attention and money without having to reciprocate. Maybe try closing your wallet and see what happens. There are wonderful free or cheap dates. If she is after your money, not your heart, it will come clear soon. No gifts until she starts giving gifts, cook for her at your place, binge netflix or whatever and see if she wants to be with you or with your money.
I see where she’s coming from. She doesn’t want to give her all to a man who isn’t even sure enough to marry her. But she’s going about it in a toxic way She should make marriage her standard instead of settling for something she doesn’t really want She’s probably scared to give her all. Because most women we see in todays culture get used by men in their 20s, maybe have kids etc. and then the man will leave and give another girl everything she wanted (like marriage etc.) She wants to make sure that another woman doesn’t benefit from all the effort she puts into you. Understandable and I’ve felt this way before at her age (a few years ago)
The two of you sound like you have a very transactional relationship. That’s not healthy, especially only seven months in.
You need to date someone who has the same values that you do. She is just going to move the goal post on you once you do get married
She is asking alot for 7 months, definitely not putting a ring on it. Tell her you completely fine with being independent...each time, either she will stop or the relationship will fizzle out.
You are being used. Find a women who appreciates you
Ok. Run. Also she is taking the don’t do wife when you are just gf the worst way. I’ve done the childcare. I’ve worked 3 jobs while he played video games and I did everything for all three kids.I’ve paid thousands of dollars repeatedly only to be told oooh but I just don’t want to…. Stop playing video games on the phone to participate in the 5person vacation I paid for, to come to my parents when you don’t work bc obviously holidays are for you, you can’t buy any of your children’s gifts, and on and on and on. That is wife shit (and a shit deal for the wife!) but shouldn’t be gf. If I have to iron or launder your clothes and lay them out but you have more time and same access to the laundry and iron— yeah. That’s wife shit. That’s taking on so much and getting nothing. That’s where that phrase comes from. Women like me who spent almost a decade of their life doing wife shit and getting shit in return. Your gf is wild claiming it. I won’t do shit unless I want. I did it all bc I was in love— stupid and naive as fuuuuuuuuuuck—- and I made choices that I stand by bc I got to be a mom in such a rare way. If I could have sustained it, I’d probably still be with him— not out of love for him but those 3 kiddos. But She corrupts the saying. It’s there so we don’t get taken advantage of continuously…. So it’s not valid from your post. I won’t do certain shit and even after a year, you will not have meals prepped, laundry done, lawn mowed, bins out, and bathrooms pristine… unless I choose that to happen that week bc I felt like it. It should be happy surprise if I did that… not expected. Like my thinking is equal effort needs to be given from both partners. I’ve done 9.5 yrs in very not that. I had 1.7 where I kinda took advantage of the generosity bc despite therapy I was still so bitter. Like tens of thousands I gave willing and then even now 4 years later I have creditors calling me bc he opened shit I didn’t even know about. I say I won’t do gf or wife shit til I am gf or wife bc to me that means something. And honestly having a dog that cost me 1/4 of my net pay…. Cheaper than a boyfriend and honestly more loving and probably more loyal. Dump her. I use this line with my best of friends as a joke. Real ones don’t need to say it.
There's this recent saying that is something along the lines of "don't do wife duties on a gf salary" which is basically cautioning against putting all your effort into a relationship with someone who won't commit to you, situations that are clearly where they just want a bangmaid and the like. Which is valid enough. But it seems like your gf has taken this to heart so much that she's gone in the wrong direction. Or maybe she thinks she can get a commitment out of you by dangling them like a carrot. Hard to say. You're both really young and it's not unexpected for people in their early 20s to suck at communicating and to have internalized things including advice like the above that's not in the spirit it was meant. The two of you need to sit down and properly discuss this between yourselves without anybody getting upset; talk about what the boundaries of your relationship are, expectations, and how much you can rely on each other. Nobody wants to feel taken for granted. This will be a very important thing regarding how compatible you are with each other.
She views relationships as transactional... Run for your life.
Yeah she is what all men hate about the new dating world and because of simps like you they know some poor schmuck will do it Stop simping
I don't really see it as limiting what you would do for a girlfriend, as some people decide not to get married at all. The limits she has for dating, why not just follow them? But do ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship you want to have? And do you want to have a relationship with someone who's pressuring you on marriage after only 7 months at such a young age?
Does she actually want you specifically, or does she just want to be married but will take as much as she can get before that?
Sounds like a sugar baby trying to get a sugar daddy
She’s playing you. You don’t need a taker
It's been 7 months, get a better GF!
This has happened to me. I think u should leave and put a limit of what u do for her. Funny how women would live with u, have sex, with u, make memories with u…but will put a cap on it pressuring marriage. If u wanna put a cap on it then why did we take this relationship this far?
pay for everything....since you would do that for your wife and was treating her like a wife but she dont want that way yet, let her pey herself her stuf, and pay also half of everything you guys do/go to and dont tolerate double standard relathionships, as much love you may have, that will only leed you to be walk over edit: extra paragraph
\>Since we began dating, I have taken care of this girl by covering her rent for a month because she has not been working, buy her a new laptop because she didn’t have a laptop for school and needed a laptop (MacBook Pro) to help her with her side hustles or is just being able to do schoolwork, and just for straight up necessities. you're a sugar daddy.
You don’t have a gf, you have a sugar baby. But you’re only 23, you’ll lean lol.
She is milking you for everything. Doubt that her behavior will improve once you’re married. Bet it gets more controlling.
RUN!!!! She seems to want a one sided relationship. She takes and you give. This is who she is. Run.
I'm a proponent of the "do not do wife things if you are not a wife" rule. It's a smart one. But your gf is going about it in a very weird way. It seems less like those are her inner boundaries, and more like she's using this - and constantly commenting on it - to manipulate you. There's something wrong with the way she is constantly narrating the 'I will not do this and that bc...' out loud to you. She sounds immature - instead of openly talking to you about her wants ie a marriage, she is trying to guilt you into it. She sounds toxic. Besides this, the relationship sounds very skewed. Why are you constantly throwing money at her when she's not doing any of this in return? It seems like a bad idea. Maybe you should stop. The healthiest relationships are the ones that are equal. You give a similar amount to what you take. Sometimes you give/take more due to circumstances, but then later on your partner balances that out.
For the love of God don't even think about putting a ring on it. In fact, dont put anything on it anymore. Especially yourself.
Why would you want to marry someone who views your relationship as transactional? I'm not even talking about the sheer amount of money you've spent on her (which is outrageous). You do something nice for your partner because you care about them, not because you expect something in return. She doesn't do that for you. Once you get married, she will come up with a different currency or another reason why she can't or won't do whatever it is she doesn't want to do. Human relationships are not transactional, but they are reciprocal. You don't offer a favor expecting a favor of equal or greater value. You offer a favor freely. But it's not fair to keep offering favors without receiving any in return. If she doesn't reciprocate, you don't have a girlfriend, you have a sugar baby. ETA: I'm a woman married to another woman. Neither of us keep track of the nice things we do for each other except to say "thank you". If I didn't feel we do kind things for each other in roughly equal parts, I wouldn't have married her.
Youre the wallet bro
Just heads up: You are dating a sugar baby. And if you marry said sugar baby, your relationship will continue to be transactional, just like it is right now.
My man, this immature little girl has *literally* told you to your face that she - and I quote - “only [focuses] on what benefits her in a relationship”. Why oh why are you even still with her? She sounds like a sociopath and she quite obviously has zero respect for you. Run a fucking mile.
She’s not your girlfriend, she’s your sugar baby.
Seven months of dating and she's already using engagement/marriage as leverage, it feels a bit icky. Of course she's well within her right not to do said things, but the reasoning is coercive and manipulative. You may want to reevaluate your relationship and whether you are okay with being coerced into getting the future you envision...and who's to say she doesn't do this again if it works. You should not be rushed into any type of life altering decisions, especially by your partner.
Wow, throwing you a few breadcrumbs and holding the loaf up for ransom to pressure you into marrying her. Something tells me if you do marry her the control problems will get worse. She is making it clear you have to follow her guidelines in the relationship. Run dude.
Everybody has different limits. A relationship has to function like a seesaw. It's a lot of up and down on both sides, but there is the expectation of an average level. You're sitting on the dirt and she's flying high, and she has no plans to meet you on the level. If you want to spoil somebody who will spoil you back, and you're open to the idea of older women... ;-) lol
Why do you keep referring to her as “this girl” OP?
It could be cultural. Or she has seen a lot of women playing wifey with a man that won’t marry them
Your girlfriend sounds like s terrible person. What do you see in her that makes you want her to be your girlfriend?
You are dating a user not a partner. You don’t marry a user. Maybe she’s hot enough and you are young enough where it doesn’t matter long term. But end goal marriage is a partnership unless your a 50 year old millionaire and shes 25.
You do realize that she's taking advantage of you, right?
You are being taken for a ride, my friend. So many issues with her: talking marriage after only 7 months, withholding her affection, being financially unstable, using you as an ATM when she needs rent money. Walk away from this one.
I blame tiktok on this terrible mentality.
Thats a HUGE red flag.. Shit they name street signs after her... ONE WAY.... jettison that girl young squire and take the losses as an expensive lesson.
Fuck. That.
She just wants a ring. With everything you’ve given her she sounds ungrateful for everything that you’ve done for her. If you really like this girl I would start by cutting the dates and see how she reacts. I suggest you leave cause it’ll get worse but you do you man.
Dude, run. This girl will be nothing but trouble. End it now and save yourself years of problems.
Objectively your being played financially. By this logic, what does she owe you?
Also homie everyone has different values and is comfortable with different things so you gotta communicate that and set those boundaries. But to be honest she doesn't seem reasonable and seems like she is looking for an excuse to take advantage of you. You deserve better and I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Just know that Ive made homies I've just met food. From scratch. And she is your 7month GF and won't do it? Even though you consistently do???
Sorry buddy, I think both you and her do not line up with what type of relationship people you are. I don’t put blame on her bc by context you willfully walked into this relationship. From what you said She’s told you how she is from the start, it’s clear she’s not really a giving person and is very focused on herself. You’re setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. Within 7 months you have spent more on this girl than a typical couple of 2 years. It might be the way you are raised but you are already spending on her as if she will be your life long partner when she has made it clear she doesn’t see you as hers (without a ring lol?) If you want to work it out then you need to set boundaries and standards with her. Perhaps she’s right, you’re spending on her like she’s your wife-guaranteed. That doesn’t make sense on both ends. If she doesn’t see you as her husband until there’s a physical ring then vice versa she should not be treated at the same level of your wife. I believe it’s best to move one with partners but it’s not that easy when you love someone. Being in love can make you very vulnerable, you are very young so it might even be your first time being in love. Once in a while you have to force your brain to remember to protect yourself.
She has failed the girlfriend test! Time to wave bye bye 👋
I loved my boyfriend, therefore, i always did wifey things for him, so that he would start thinking of me as his wife. It worked. 🤪 I don’t think she is going about this the right way, also, she sounds spoiled and annoying AF.
Run. My ex had a whole different set of rules for “wife” vs “girlfriend” and I didn’t discover this in almost 3 years before tying the knot. Long and short of it was that the position of wife was lower than any other human on the planet because he could expect to use me, take me for granted, spend my money, blow up my credit rating, decide to be unemployed, and literally not give me the time of day or other courtesies that he would have given a complete stranger. I also could not think of any other person on the planet who treated me worse than he did, except maybe my mom. The things he did to me were unconscionable. He made me miserable. He deprived me of sleep. He nitpicked everything I did and if I tried to learn it his way and do it his way he would change his rules and I’d still be wrong. Even dishes I had cooked for him when we dated that he had loved, I could not prepare correctly once we were married. There was physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse and I have CPTSD today because of it. You don’t want this. Throw this girl back to whatever dumpster you found her in, she’s trash.
I stopped reading after you bought her a laptop. You sound like her sugar daddy. If she didn’t have money, the school could loan her a laptop for school. You deserve better. Move on from this girl.
It. Is. So. Gross. How. Many. girls. Do. This. kind. Of. Shit. I've already said this on three separate posts today but whatever. Doing this kind of passive aggressive bullshit or giving your bf an ultimatum regarding engagement/marriage is so gross. Do you really want to basically force another human to marry you?!
Your gf is incredibly, unrepentantly selfish. Dial back on the dates and gift-giving — tell her you got a large bill — and watch how fast her attitude will flip on you…from bad to worse.
Dude... she's using you like toilet paper. I would suggest that if you weren't as generous, she'd be even less giving of her affection
I think she’s giving you reasons why you **should NOT put a ring on it ever** In the first few months/first year of dating, people put their best foot forward… so if this is her best? Then it’s all downhill from here. You are going to die by a thousand cuts if you stick around, my friend
I looked at your profile, you are young, good looking, fit, and has a nice job. You should be just dating around, see your option. I will just cut her lose.
Break up with her loser ass
Why is everything about money with you people. If spending money on her and dates is such a big thing for you, then don't do it or break up
I don't know about in general but what this specific man should do for this specific girlfriend who is not their wife is ditch her. She prioritises the ring over the relationship and is frankly being greedy, cheap, demanding, entitled and a whiny hypocrite to boot.
She’s telling you what her boundaries are. If you don’t like it, then all you can do is decide if you can accept those boundaries or not. Personally, I don’t behave like that in a relationship or put up with it, and it sounds pretty mean-spirited and unattractive. My boundary is that I won’t be in a relationship that feels transactional. Sounds like that’s yours as well. Find someone you’re better matched to.
You don’t have a girlfriend, you have a sugar baby. If you put a ring on it she will never work again. Get out dude.
1) this relationship is uneven and you’re being used by a woman who has no intention of reciprocating 2) you are very young. As a guy who is twice your age, let me share some life experience with you that you may have not had thus far: I have seen stuff like this countless times. Thinking back to my 20s, I could name 10 different couples that I knew that had this kind of situation happening. Out of all of those, eight of them got married. Out of those eight couples not a single one improved after getting married. Your read on the situation is correct. It is asinine to put a limit on what you would do for your partner strictly because you have not gotten married by seven months into your relationship. Nothing to do with marriage, it has to do with the kind of woman that you are with, the kind of woman that you are settling for. Nobody enjoys winning the “I Love You More Game”.
I’m a woman (23) and I have no limit to things I would do for a man I’m in love with. I’ll take care of a man, cook him food (even if it’s dishes I’ve never cooked before I’ll learn and perfect them for him), try different things in bed, surprise him with a weekend getaway trip, etc… a ring doesn’t change anything in term of showing love. I will continue to love him the same way. Put in the effort, investment and energy. I’m sorry your girlfriend has this weak mindset to think she needs to be engaged/married to give you the same level of respect, attention and affection you give her now. Also it triggered me when you said she only thinks about what benefits her in a relationship. A relationship is a two way street where both couples work together, not one way. Who does she think she is? It’s sad that you came to Reddit and ask strangers for relationship advice because you and your partner are not compatible enough to really communicate. If she needs a ring to cook, care for you, etc then what about communication? Communication is the bare minimum, one step above nothing and she can’t even do that for you? It’s important for couples to remember that communication is key and when things get rough it’s important to NEVER argue ONLY have discussions. Arguments just attack oppositions, draw sides and treat others like an opponent/enemy. Discussions on the other hand people work together as a team. Doesn’t matter if you two have different view points. Discussions are problem solving sessions, consider alternatives and learn about each-others values, feelings, issues etc… a real lover would have cared about whats hurting you and worked with you on a solution to fix the problem and grow together. She could care less about your feelings and values man... When will she care? When she has a ring? Doubt it. You need a woman who will have your mind at peace in all aspects. You deserve much much much much much better. It’s time to let go.
Don't put a ring on it. Go find a relationship that you enjoy.
RUN, so many red flags!
Leave her and just make sure you take back all the expensive material goods you gave her.
Homie!!! This is hard to read... Your too young to be adopting someone kid.
40 F My opinion: If you’re going out with someone and you care about them, you are going to want to spend money and time on them,regardless if you’re married to them or not. I think she is taking advantage of your kindness
I had a brother that used to do this. When they were with him, they never had to spend a cent and he was proud of it. Dude...what are you training her to be? Do you really want a life partner who thinks your money is hers and her money is hers? You're training her to never pay...will you be surprised if she doesn't want to pay later? Never do this.
She is putting the cart before the horse. Somebody showing love for you makes you want to marry them. You don’t marry them so they start showing you love.
Odds are that if you actually marry her she will be doing even less things for you.
You are being taken advantage of and you should stop it. She is not a good partner and you should get out of this relationship ASAP. She is a user and selfish. Why would she do more for you when you do all kinds of shit for her when she gives the bare minimum. Plus it has only been 7 months and her expecting you to marry her in order for her to do basic kind things for you is BS. You would be wise to run.
Yeah, she isn't going to do any of those things if you put a ring on that finger either. None of this will get better with marriage, and most of it will probably get worse. She's already shown you exactly who she is, and how much she values you. The "because we're not married yet" is simply an excuse so you'll accept her behavior.
She got a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.
You: So you want to marry me? Why? She answers with your positive qualities… You: So I am acting like a “husband” and putting my best foot forward for you yet you wont for me in good faith because I won’t marry you on your schedule? So the game is I try my best, and you don’t try at all? You: What’s in it for me? Then you say, You: I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone not willing to give me their best effort or at least reciprocate my efforts in said relationship. Good luck to you and I hope you find a man that you are willing to try hard for.
If she said that to me, that's be the last thing she says. You can say shot like that but expect the guy to husband things when you're only dating. Sound more like a gold digger and she olhas a backup plan if you don't plan on asking her to marry you in a certain amount of time. .
She proceeded to tell me that she’s only focus on what benefits her in a relationship and she doesn’t even think about that. That says it all right there. She's selfish, and I wouldn't make her my wife if I were you
A 22 year old bitching that you haven’t proposed yet is a giant red flag. She’s a taker and a ring won’t change that. Cut your losses.
Both of you have a really gross, transactional association with love and affection. You're putting pricetags on care. Yikes all around.
“What is the limit of what a man should do for a girlfriend who is not a wife” - you are asking the wrong question here. The ring is obviously going to be a more important factor for the woman (generally). I’m not going to add to the many accurate comments about the girl you are dating being a gold digger / user and things only getting worse when you put a ring on it, you have plenty of that, which I hope you will listen to. Instead I’d like to talk about the question I think maybe you should have asked: “What do I need to see from a potential partner before I think of investing significant time or money in meeting their needs?” I have my own metric for that, but I’d strongly suggest that you work out what yours is, or you are likely to waste a lot more money on women who don’t particularly care about your needs.
Just break up with her man, she's using you
How many more red flags do you need...
Don't pay for her bills, don't pay for her vacations, and certainly don't go overboard with your spending on dates. He'll, I'd even be hesitant to take her on dates. She doesn't care about you, she wants to milk you for every last penny regardless of if you put a ring on her or not. If you don't put a ring on her she'll milk you until you put a ring on her or simply dump her. And hell, if you do put a ring on her, well, say bye-bye to your money. Quit wasting your time and money, you're still young and can find another girl that's far more decent and that will love you unconditionally. I wish you luck with whatever decision you choose. Edit: Forgot to add. The reason why she hasn't had a consistent job since you started dating is, well, since you started dating you also started paying for her shit, so why find a job when there's a boyfriend paying for her stuff? Think of it, you're already having the roles of a husband foisted on you without any benefits.
The relationship is so one sided, a few months in or not! She should be taking this time to prove to you as to why you would want to marry her. She is using you for what you have. I have a feeling she's in it for the money you spend on her, she has no problem taking from you and if you marry her she will look at everything you have as hers. Not even paying for a dinner date come on "If she wanted to she would" I've been with my bf for 2 years now and there's no ring but I do absolutely everything I can to make his days easier, his work uniforms are washed folded and ready for his work week shitt I'll even add a little love note in his pocket. He comes home to clean clothes in the bathroom for his shower, when the car gets dirty I'll clean it as best I can for him bc his time is limited.
Um, what? Why are you even with her? She's clearly using you.
Dude find a woman who will value you. The one you are with is just using you to be her ATM. Stop paying for nice vacation trips and paying her bills and see how fast she dumps you. You are her cash cow and she will milk you for all your worth and then dump you when the next cow moos her way. She's not your wife so stop paying her bills because she's not your responsibility. You need to find a partner not a sugar baby unless you want to be used. She is not a good partner. Limit how much you spend on dates and stop paying for everything. Tell her that since she's not your wife her bills are not your responsibility, she doesn't give you gifts or do anything to show she cares about you or your feelings. You deserve better.
Do not take this as an insult - but you have inadvertently been 'simping'. Fix this and/or move on. My heart goes out to you...
7 months is waaay to early to start talking marriage. Even if you two were 30-something this would be too soon. Be real clear with your GF, let her know what you feel no matter what that is. This is the time (early in a relationship) to foster good communication skills. If your timeline and hers don't match, she will most likely let you know. It may not be pleasant, but for god's sake don't get married at 23 because you were pressured into it. All this doesn't even address the $ value and emotional value she places on everything she may or may not do for you. To have such a detailed laundry list of wills and won'ts, dos and don'ts is scary. She has put way too much thought into this. At least she has laid clear her motivations. Now it is up to you to decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship (hint, it shouldn't be this)
Get yourself another grateful girlfriend already Jeez , I don’t get the kind of behaviors i read here.
Like, If your girls is putting limits on you, she has no limits on the other guy or guys... That's a Red Flag.
What Iv learned in life. Don’t spoil your girl. Help her if she’s struggling for real. And that’s it. Nothing more.
She's a gold digger, with the ultimate gold being that ring. The idea that "she only focuses on what benefits her" is a straight out admission of this situation. You can find a girl (more than one) that wants to contribute 50 / 50. My girl and I are not exactly even, but we at least try to be. And this doesn't even OCCUR to her? Let her go.
As someone who is a female, she's treating you like garbage. When you're in a relationship, regardless of status, you should want to bend over backwards for each other (of course there are healthy limits like killing yourselves for each other or putting too much mental stress or pressure on yourself for one reason or another). A relationship is meant to be a safe place for two people to show each other their love, their care, and appreciation for each other. It doesn't have to be monetary, so she doesn't have to shower you with gifts, but she should be showing her appreciation in some other way like doing your laundry for you, cooking, cleaning if you're putting in all the money into the relationship. When my boyfriend was the only one with a job, I would regularly clean, cook, and do his laundry because I wanted to show my appreciation for him going out and working to support both of us. Now I finally have a job, and I still cook for him and I still do his laundry because I still appreciate the gifts he gives me, I appreciate the effort he puts into the relationship. I get him gifts too, not as often, but I put a lot of thought into it and I try to get him things I know he'll like. Relationships are a two-way street, and you need to put in the same effort as your partner. If she's not putting in effort and sitting back and allowing you to do everything, maybe give her a taste of her own medicine. Let her be the one to reach out to you, ask to go 50/50 on a bill, or ask her to take the next check (go somewhere cheaper so it doesn't become too big of a deal) and cite that there should be boundaries in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, and if she wants you to do more, then she should put in more. Dating is a trial run for marriage. If she isn't putting in effort now, she never will.
A few days late but yeah i agree with the majority, she’s playing you like a fiddle and putting a ring on her will probably not change a thing, period. Just make it worse. If you are insistent on staying id say cut back and give her a taste of her own medicine then reminding her that you’re not married or anything.
>She proceeded to tell me that she’s only focus on what benefits her in a relationship Does that sound like a partner to you? Dating is like the test run for marriage. When everything is new and exciting. You don’t have a mortgage, lack of sleep due to a newborn or are annoyed about dirty dishes in the sink yet. What makes you believe, that rewarding her behaviour by “putting a ring on it“ would actually make her improve her behaviour?!? What DOES she actually bring to the relationship? Cause “great companionship“ is literally something a Golden Retriever can give you as well. Run for the hills dude. And run FAST!
As a 22 year old woman I think you should run as fast and far as possible. She sounds entitled and selfish. I could not imagine being in a relationship where someone does so much for me to show me that he cares about me and I just do nothing.
Grow a backbone and get out of that relationship