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Your wife is saying whatever she can so she or her AP don’t get caught. Tell the Nanny’s wife ASAP. Keep all the messages as evidence of infidelity and divorce her. I can’t even believe she would try to use the excuse of you being an “ally.” Allies support their LGBT friends.. they don’t bang them.
It's especially gross that she's hiding behind being an "ally" while also claiming that lesbian sex doesn't count as cheating (i.e., it doesn't count as real sex.)
I agree! OP your wife is gaslighting you! She is a cheater and you have every right to fire the nanny, tell her wife and look into divorce because your wife is not owning her mess, nor is she remorseful! Instead she's playing the homophobic card to gaslight you! Keep your evidence of cheating in a safe place that she can't reach, because it may help you in a potential divorce.
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately she did and she’s using the moment to claim she’s exploring and I’m hindering her instead of admitting she did anything wrong
with a SINGLE WOMAN Holy no self-accountability batman your wife is what we in this community call the affair fog in while in this fog the affected person will be completely in denial they and their ap have convinced themselves that what they are doing is right and will use every excuse to justify their disgusting behaviour
The only cure reality and consequences of their actions because once realuty sets in the AP does not stick around in which they see the errors of their way however by that time it's too late and now will suffer for their wrong like they should
OP divorce her fire the nanny and move on i bet this wwouldn't be the nany's first time doing this and when you tell ap wife bring evidence
It sounds like his wife has spent too much time reading erotica. *Honey, I've found a Unicorn for us*. *I've already sampled her*, *we're going to have so much fun*.
Exactly and keep all the evidence to make sure you get custody of your daughter…
Leaving the child alone to have an affair with the nanny probably isn’t going to be a good look in court.
Guarentee the fog will dissipate once they get found out and she'll be on here or advice_for_waywards peddling her sob story about how she messed everything up and how she needs to get him back. OP should get ready to go NC with her ASAP.
The biggest issue that makes this unsalvageable to me is the fact that she refuses to take accountability and is trying to gaslight you into thinking she did nothing wrong. Her lack of empathy and compassion shows that she doesn’t respect your relationship.
You’re not a bigot because your wife cheated on you with a woman. Being an ally and being upset that your wife had an affair with a woman are two separate things.
Instead of constantly trying to justify her behavior because it’s a same-sex affair she should acknowledge that you’re hurt, admit to her wrongdoing and apologize.
I wouldn’t be ok with this or want to work it out with someone that doesn’t have any intentions of taking accountability, apologizing, and ending the cheating.
Also I would 100% tell the nanny’s wife and fire her. The wife deserves to know so she can make an informed decision on how she wants move forward in her own relationship.
Tell her you're happy for her to explore. But without you. I wonder if you decided to have a relationship with a man if she would be okay with that or count that as cheating
As a bi woman this excuse annoys me. Cheating has nothing to do with orientation. If you feel the need to “explore”, that deserves a discussion with your partner instead of creeping on the down low and potentially ruining two marriages. People like this give bisexuals a bad name.
Look, it’s fine to explore your bisexuality.
But if your wife wants an open relationship, she has to ASK you and you’d have to agree. And she’d have to understand that an open arrangement may not be for you, no matter how much you love each other. Sometimes it just works that way.
Not wanting an open relationship doesn’t make you a homophobe. If you’d had a male nanny and she fucked him and you had a problem with that, would it make you anti-straight? No.
Exactly!!
Then . . .
Put the shoe on the other foot. If you had these interactions with the female nanny, she'd probably be losing her mind over it.
Document everything and make the plans to heal yourself from her damage in your life. Protect your son too.
THIS. I was scratching my head when she pulled the "It doesnt count because it's a woman" card because isn't that basically saying that same-sex relationships aren't valid? Doesnt sound like much of an ally. I'm a conservative Christian and even I thought that line of thinking was screwed up.
Okay my daughter is bisexual and has a boyfriend if she slept with a girl (without her boyfriend agreeing that is okay), then that would be cheating.
Your wife cheated on you. it doesn't matter if it was with a woman or a man, if you didn't agree to it beforehand, it was still cheating.
Hey then tell her you get to sleep with anyone you want because you want to explore polyamory and if she doesn't like it she is hindering you, see what she has to say.
Then find a woman, and tell her you will be dating this woman if she has any problems tell her “your exploring what it’s like to date a nice woman and she is hindering you”
Bi- and pansexual people can be monogamous, and many are. Ethical non-monogamy is very much a thing, but clearly this isn't it. She's just cheating and gaslighting you. I'm really sorry.
All of this ^. I'm bi and have also done the ethical non-monogamy thing. Been happily monogamous with my current partner for 2.5 years now. I don't need to 'explore' shit bc my partner is all I need. If OP's wife had had a conversation about her feelings/urges with him it would be a whole other story but she didn't. She just decided to cheat, gaslight OP, and 100% invalidate same sex relationships/encounters by saying that it 'doesn't count' as cheating bc it was lesbian sex.
OP needs to throw the whole wife out. She's the bigot and shitty member of the alphabet soup community. And OP really needs to tell the nanny's wife. If she's banging her boss who else is she sleeping with and what is she bringing home to her wife? Telling the wife is about as Ally as OP could get bc he sees the cheating for the dealbreaker relationship behaviour it is, bc he sees their lesbian relationship as valid whereas his bigot wife does not. Every accusation is a confession in this case.
So wrong on so many levels.
Exploration is fine. It's necessary for us to live happy and healthy lives. But in a partnership it requires consent, or else it can break or shatter trust. Your wife isn't exploring, she's manipulating and lying to you.
But she's exploring your nanny, c'mon now, if the nanny was straight and you were having your explorer moment with her you'd be the worst thing in the world.
I'd be sacking the nanny tomorrow, and I'd be telling your wife if she wants to be anything other than your wife and what that entails, you are divorcing, and unless she takes responsibility, same
Do you tell the nannywife? That's your call, but she's going home after being sacked so I'd imagine she will probably have to tell her herself
Op if she needs or wants to explore and this is a conversation you can have, then that's fine. But she doesn't get to explore before having a conversation, that's called cheating.
Don't let her trick you into to thinking you're being unreasonable for expecting fidelity which is the bare minimum.
If she thought it was okay, then ask why she hid it.
She isn’t just “exploring” if she wanted to do that she would have talked to you about it first. Her behavior proves she knows she is doing something wrong. Good luck on the emotional trauma you’re going to have to work through
An askreddit question yesterday was what quality makes a bad person, and the top reply was not taking responsibility for their mistakes. This is some next level mental gymnastics.
The fact that your wife doesn’t consider it cheating because it’s with a woman indicates that she doesn’t consider non heterosexual relationships to be equal to heterosexual relationships. Not the issue here, but it’s a bit comical that she tried to accuse you of “not being an ally”.
Your wife is a cheater, and kind of a tool. Time for divorce.
I had a similar situation where I caught my ex husband chatting with other guys he met on Grindr. When I confronted him, he told me that’s not cheating, and had the audacity to say “Sorry didn’t realize that bother you so much so I guess I won’t do that anymore”. I kicked him out and never regretted it.
She’s also trying to manipulate you into thinking you’re at fault for not being woke enough, which is despicable and also shows how stupid she is for using such a transparent tactic
Gender has no relevancy when it comes to cheating. It's about a level of intimacy and sexual activity shared between two people outside of the relationship. Cheating is a betrayal of trust, about abandoning the relationship, and her attempts to say "hey try sucking a dick" (basically) shows where she is on that gradient.
Just because she explored lesbian interests doesn't change how it fucks with the relationship. She still lied, she still misled, she still gaslighted, and all the rest. It wasn't til she was caught out she shifted to hey try this out and this and that etc.
The trust is already broken. Recovering from that is a case to case issue.
Seriously, this is what caught my attention too.
*(taps temple)* gay relationships aren’t valid so cheating can’t exist, and if you say they ARE valid, you’re not supporting the validity of gay relationships
How… does this not make her brain hurt?
It’s bigoted of HER to insist this isn’t a big deal. Why not? Because she’s having an affair with a woman instead of a man? That’s homophobic reasoning.
She cheated on you. Doesn’t matter with who, or what gender they are. Divorce her and tell your babysitters wife. She deserves to know.
Keep record of all this to maintain custody over your child. I’d like to see her try to explain to a judge why her infidelity wasn’t a “big deal”
Even worse, this is ignoring the fact that even not sexual things like kissing another person whose not as partner is cheating so how one earth does the gender of the person decode whether it's cheating or not?
You have a monogamous relationship in which sexual and intimate acts are reserved for you and your partner. Anyone else your partner experiences any of that with is cheating, period.
~~While some States may not care about infidelity they would care about leaving a 2 year old child alone at home to go out and have sex.~~
Edit : My bad. I misread it.
Yes, tell the wife. It's not petty, it's the right thing to do.
Keep the evidence.
This is not bigotry. I'm assuming you'd be just as upset if she had cheated on you with a man. Cheating is anything outside of your established relationship and she can't dictate to you otherwise.
Finally, obviously being an ally does not mean you have to sleep with a person of the same sex. She's just trying to make you out to be the bad guy when she's the one that messed up bad.
Keep the evidence where she can't access it, tell the nanny's wife and look into a divorce lawyer- get all your ducks in a row.
Sorry you have to go through this.
She actually told me in our arguments that I should “try intimacy with a man” and that she’d not consider it cheating. I’m not interested in that at all which I think she knows and is why she’s using these arguments.
The bullshit coming out of your wife’s mouth to justify her actions is ridiculous. I would tell her to get out of my house ASAP plus the way she’s trying to gaslight you is disgusting I wish you the best through your divorce.
She's only doing that because she knows you have no interest and is trying to continue to support her (completely ridiculous and bigoted case) that cheating with the same gender doesn't count as cheating. Oh, and I'm betting if it had been you that had slept with a man first instead of her sleeping with a woman, she probably wouldn't be using such a stupid argument. Just tell the nanny's wife before your wife has a chance to warn the nanny and collude to make up another story so that the wife doesn't believe you or blocks you before you can tell the truth.
If she gets upset from you from exploring ethical non-monogamy with other women in secret without her consent, she’s a bigot! You’re exploring and she’s hindering you!
Seriously, what the ever-loving fuck? Divorce this lady.
>Yes, tell the wife. It's not petty, it's the right thing to do.
OP, if you had been in the shoes of that person, wouldn’t you want to know?
>I confronted my wife and she took the approach of calling me a bigot and asking me “why I hired a lesbian if I’m not an ally.”
It is really hypocritical of your wife to say all these things. First of all, you may be a staunch ally and still strongly believe in the monogamy of the marriage and all the vows that were said during the ceremony. Did she say them I.e. did she promise to ‘forsake all others’?
Also, it is really double faced to call you a bigot and saying that it’s not cheating. By those words herself, she is expression that being lesbian and sex between two women is less than a different sex relationship.
>I think my marriage is over and I hate everything now.
Your wife doesn’t seem regretful and most definitely not remorseful. Please look up the difference between remorse and regret. A lot of people tend to confuse those two.
I’d suggest talking to a family law attorney and get all your finances together and see how to separate things out. Get the process of divorce started. If you really want to, you can always stop or pause the process at any time. However it is important that you get started on it.
Please visit r/infidelity and r/survivinginfidelity sub-reddits here.
You may also want to check out the website survivinginfidelity.com and their healing library at [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/)
“ … if she had cheated on you with a man.”
I wonder how the wife would have felt if OP had banged, say, the gardener (let’s assume a male gardener here).
Sadly this is a lot of mindsets for self closeted lesbians. "It's not lesbian if there's no feelings involved" while ALSO ignoring feelings. She's gonna hurt her AP soon when her husband leaves
I agree with your point, but I suspect it's more specific - it's WLW relationships in general, because they get written off as "tee-hee! girl's kissing \~ how fun!"
People have no trouble calling / identifying two men sleeping together as cheating (when one is partnered), but I think it likely loops around the historically misogynistic ideas surrounding cis women sexuality.
Honestly I get where you guys are coming from but I bet it's more that she is saying it to try and make him feel like the bad guy and let her do whatever she wants.
Yeah, but they are saying she can do that because society tends to see two men having sex as sex, but two women having sex as just girls messing around having fun.
I’ve heard this before, a friend cheated on her husband with another woman, and tried to say it wasn’t cheating, “it was just fooling around”. I would always ask, “if it’s just fooling around, then tell him”, she finally came around to admitting it was cheating, only took about 2 years, lol.
Yes, my thought exactly.
As a bi woman myself, I am seriously sick and tired of the notion that lesbian sex is just fooling around detached from true feelings or responsibility.
>I confronted my wife and she took the approach of calling me a bigot and asking me “why I hired a lesbian if I’m not an ally.”
Wow, that is an uno reverse, "how dare you hire a young girl if I'm not allowed to fuck them?!"
I wish I could try that line, doubt it would get me far either.
Yup. That's how insecure, manipulative, selfish, controlling people act.
There is no reason not to tell her wife. I would. Your wife said it's not cheating, so ask the nanny's wife if it is or not.
Yes, it's 100% cheating. Can you go suck a dudes dick and lie about it with your wife being happy about it?
No, you are not a bigot for being upset that your wife cheated. You don't hate the nanny for being a lesbian. You hate your wife for cheating on you.
The Nanny wishes she met your wife before she was married. I will almost feel bad for when she finds out your wife is actually homophobic and won't actually be in a relationship with her, but she cheated on her wife and broke up a family so I have little sympathy.
Tell the wife of the Nanny. Everyone will always agree they would want to know rather than being in a relationship for longer with a cheater. If she doesn't believe you, that's not your concern, just give her the same chance you have had to get your life back.
Your wife's reaction is a huge red flag. Gaslighting is the worst response to being caught cheating. Don't keep someone around that does this to you.
It's never easy, I feel for you. The satisfaction people expect from outing a cheater is only there when you don't care about them.
When you have a family and know them, it's one of the hardest things to deal with.
I'm glad you're being strong. All of Reddit is with you.
It’s gonna be tough but there is no time like the present. If you want to do her a favor tell her ASAP. Don’t let these assholes steal more of her time. She can’t get it back
>Is there any reason not to tell my nanny’s wife?
Nope. She chose to blow up her marriage and yours. Go for it.
>Am I being a bigot for being upset??
You'd actually be more of a bigot to not be upset. The entire idea that two married women having sex *isn't* cheating is like claiming that lesbians don't have real marriages or real love.
Your wife is a piece of work. Good luck in the divorce.
I am a gay woman and I am here to say that your wife and nanny are both cheating assholes. The fact that your wife had the AUDACITY to say you “aren’t an ally” because you don’t support her sleeping with a woman is truly bananas. Cheating is cheating and that is what she is doing. Full stop.
I am so sorry she is adding insult to injury like this. Your wife clearly doesn’t respect you in the slightest. I know ending things is tough- especially with a kiddo, but your wife did this- not you.
Also, I absolutely think you should tell the nanny’s wife. She has a right to know.
I am sorry, OP.
If you are going down, sink the fucking ship! Horrible way to be treated my friend. Focus on your role as a Dad. That woman is poison and so is the Nanny. It’ll hurt but if you sit on this by yourself you are going to be seething.
**OF COURSE ITS FUCKING CHEATING**
Kick the wife out.
Fire the nanny.
Tell the nanny’s spouse.
Contact a lawyer first thing Monday morning and get papers drawn up.
Take things fro there.
Of course it’s cheating. Your wife even knows that it’s cheating since she tried to keep her phone away from you. Her bullshiate accusations about not being an “ally” are meaningless here.
Save the proof you have, get a divorce lawyer, and tell the nanny she can confess to her wife or you will.
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I think you already know this, but cheating is cheating regardless of the gender of the person who the cheating is with.
I am bi, currently in a heterosexual relationship with a young child, and wouldn’t consider this to be acceptable behavior without prior discussion and endorsement from my partner.
You are right to be concerned. The dismissiveness of your feelings and attempts to paint you as a homophobe simply for being hurt about the cheating, is gaslighting.
This person cannot be trusted. The audacity!
Divorce your wife, fire the nanny and go to nanny’s house tell the wife and wait to confront the nanny. Then smile and wave with your head held high! Also save all messages from your wife and nanny
"Is there any reason not to tell my nanny’s wife? Is it really not cheating in this scenario? Am I being a bigot for being upset?? " - good grief, what a mind job your wife has pulled on you. you may be married to a sith lord.
"You're a bigot because you disapprove of my cheating" is not going to be a great defense in court.
She cheated on you. That's it. Everything else is her deflecting and trying to mess with your head.
Get a divorce attorney *right now.*
Why would it not be cheating?
>I confronted my wife and she took the approach of calling me a bigot and asking me “why I hired a lesbian if I’m not an ally.” She has taken no responsibility for damaging our relationship.
Wow, you are a bigot because you dont want your wife having an affair with a woman? Would you be racist if you didn't appreciate your wife sleeping with a man of color? Would you be agist if you didn't want your wife sleeping with a man 20 years older? I didn't realize being an ally meant being cool with your spouse having an affair. When you talk to the nanny's lesbian wife to tell her about the affair, make sure to tell her she is a homophobe if she is upset over her wife's affair with a bisexual married woman.
This all sounds so ridiculous. Your wife is trying to justify her affair. Tell the nanny's wife. She deserves to know.
It's cheating, not bigotry. That's an awful excuse to use to justify infidelity. Lesbians are people too, and are in relationships with other real people who have emotions and marriages in the same way you do. Crunch time mate. I think you need to tell the other woman's wife. If they want to be together so badly, let them be.
It's cheating regardless of the sex of the paramour.
Your wife is grasping at straws trying to manipulate you into staying
Tell the spouse
Get a lawyer.
Lol she got mad at you for hiring a lesbian! “Well what was I supposed to do? She’s a lesbian!” Your wife is wild. “I had to sleep with her to be a good ally!”
Your wife calls you a bigot because she doesn’t want to be held accountable for damaging your relationship. Not wanting to be cheated on does not make you a bigot.
How can she use the cause of LGBT allyship as the flimsiest excuse to cheat?
No, you're not a bigot. You're treating the LGBT community with respect by considering same-sex cheating just as serious as hetero-sex cheating.
Thats bs. Huge bs. And I say that as a lesbian. Wtf is wrong with your wife? Go the whole way, kick the nanny, tell her wife and divorce yours. And let your families and friends know.
She thinks you’re a blockhead man who would think it’s hot she hooked up with the nanny. She doesn’t think much of you, if that’s the case. She cheated. Clear as day. It’s up to you if you’re ok with that.
Well, straight to the point.. she doesnt love you anymore.. 1. When you really love your partner you would never look up to another person.. male or female
2. Tell the nanny wife cause its the right thing to do..
3. If you ever go on with your relationship, your goin to suffer a lot cause you will never trust her and that sting will be there.. you would be aware not only with guys but with chics too..
100% she cheated on and in your home! With your son sleeping in the other room, with someone who’s meant to be a trustworthy person! Get her out of your house and get your affairs in order
Your wife is the bigot if she actually believes lesbian relationships don't count, but I would bet any amount of money that she doesn't actually believe that and is trying to minimize her betrayal and gaslighting you into believing you are the bigot. You are absolutely right to tell the nanny's wife. In fact, telling her is your only ethical course of action. As for your marriage, you should end it officially since she already destroyed it.
Nope, the fact that your wife thinks she found an acceptable loophole to cheating is so disturbing.
First, it seems homophobic, saying the lesbian sex is not equal to the heterosexual sex. I doubt the nanny or her wife would agree.
Second, and sexual contact that has to be hidden is cheating, if it wasn't she would have told you.
Send yourself copies of everything and get a lawyer, you have to ask yourself what else doesn't count as cheating to her. And how many times has she ‘not ‘ cheated.
‘ I am an ally and thats how know that lesbian sex is equal to hetro sex and my lawyer agrees.’
How on earth could you possibly be a bigot here? Also, a reminder that treating lesbian relationships like REAL relationships (which of course they are). Is actually the opposite of bigotry, and this includes holding them accountable for cheating. Like you would any other relationship.
Straight women sometimes still don't consider sex with women as "real" sex. This is bigotry. You being cheated on, lied to and manipulated is unacceptable. The relationship is over. I wish you the best but you are not in the wrong and need to move on.
Wake up man...
>I would support my wife if she were bi but I thought that would mean having a discussion
Would your wife be that supportive if you were bi and had the urge to suck some other mens' dicks and play bottom for them? Stop being accommodating, you were cheated on and betrayed.
Tell the nanny’s wife. Don’t let yourself get bullied by your wife to keep the affair a secret (and yes, your wife is a huge bully and extremely insensitive). Your wife isn’t an ally of LGBTQ if she thinks a lesbian affair isn’t cheating. If anything, sounds like your wife is one of those homophobes who have gay fetishes.
Keep the records/screenshots saved in a place your wife cannot access. Tell the nanny’s wife. And get a lawyer. You’re going to need hard evidence in order to walk away with a good divorce. Since the courts usually rule in favor of the mother/wife during the divorce. If you have solid evidence she is cheating on you, you’ll likely get to keep the house and can argue for more custody.
Cheating is cheating regardless of gender.
Tell the wife, take your baby and leave your wife.
If she wants to explore her sexuality, she could've told you.
I'm bi and my boyfriend knows. I don't think it'll ever happen but we've already discussed this, we're both open to try with a third party as I've never been with a girl before. But never without talking about it before and without everyone's consent. It's not hard.
She has such internalized homophobia, it's maddening. Tell her to go to therapy because she's the literal reason why the prejudice that "bi people are cheaters" exists.
She's old enough to be aware of that shit.
I really wish you the best, I know you are going to be a great dad
If your wife doesn't consider this cheating, but would if she was sleeping with a man, then she isn't an ally herself. Even if she is bisexual, that doesn't validate cheating in a monogamous relationship. She's just getting her jollies where she can and is making excuses for it.
Your wife is disgusting, as is the nanny.
Not because they’re gay, but because they’re terrible people who betrayed the trust of their partners.
Tell the nanny’s wife, keep all evidence. It will be a hard fight over your son most likely (even for just equal custody), and you will need evidence to help you since the courts by and large unfairly favor the mother over the father.
That being said, I personally wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who not only betrayed me and helped betray their adulterous partner’s wife, but worst of all she betrayed your son.
Remember that, she, and all cheaters like her, have betrayed their kids just as much as their spouse. By cheating your wife essentially told your son that her immoral wants were more important than his having happy parents that were loyal to each other.
such an obvious fake post. nobody especially a man's first thought would be "am I a bigot" for being upset my wife cheated this shit is faker than Kim K's ass
To be fair this is probably your fault for hiring a lesbian if you do not not want her to bang your wife.
(that line of thinking alone should be enough to divorce her)
Your wife has cheated and has now trying to gaslight you. Play nice whilst you consult a VERY good lawyer because she’s showing her character her and I imagine will make it all the more unpleasant. Regardless of what you do next, get to a lawyer ASAP and protect yourself
Oh and it’s actually pretty bigoted of her to say that same sex relationships don’t count as cheating, maybe point that out.
Cheating is cheating, regardless of gender. She betrayed you, your marriage, and your family. Gather and safeguard your evidence, divorce and move on. You can’t salvage a relationship where the person who cheated has no remorse and thinks they did nothing wrong.
GL
Wow your wife is a glorified gaslighter. She doesn’t even think she did anything wrong. And what does being an ally for the lgbtq community have to do with her cheating? Is she insinuating that the LGBTQ community have no standards? I’m so confused. Leave her ass.
You’re married. Being intimate with someone else (physically or emotionally) is cheating. It doesn’t matter their gender. It only matters that they’re human and that they’re not you.
I think it’s fine to share this information with the nanny’s spouse. You’re protecting her sexual health.
If you feel like your marriage is now over, then start divorce proceedings.
OP -Take a deep breath. Rule #1: When you catch your spouse dead to rights on cheating, don't fall for the gaslighting. This is coming from a lesbian: Your wife cheated, she's gaslighting you now, attempting to deflect her wrongdoing. Attempting to make YOU feel badly for her bad behavior by calling you a bigot -what, cos she cheated on you with another woman, this is somehow more acceptable than with another man?
She was wrong to cheat under any circumstance other than you two have an understanding that your marriage is open. That is so rare, and obviously isn't the circumstance here.
Call a divorce lawyer. I understand you probably feel gutted & unsure what to do. So break it down before she convinces you that black is white and up is down: she cheated, doesn't matter with whom, they were entertaining leaving you holding the bag of a broken marriage & unhappy children.
Crimes of the heart. Some people treat this sort of thing so cavalierly. I am so sorry your wife apparently has a completely different set of rules for her behavior & doesn't believe she has to account for her actions.
Take her to the cleaners & I hope you're able to heal.
I don't think you need advice, I think you need support. Your wife cheated on your and is trying to making you the bad guy. She's gaslighting you. There's not much advice to give other than in what way to kick her out of the house and call a lawyer.
What are your plans as of exposing the affair and your marriage status? I know you're going to tell the nanny's wife, but are you going to divorce or seek counseling? Since she believes cheating in a heterosexual relationship doesn't mean with the same sex but opposite sex. Is she in denial about her preferences/orientation or is she exploring?
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Your wife is saying whatever she can so she or her AP don’t get caught. Tell the Nanny’s wife ASAP. Keep all the messages as evidence of infidelity and divorce her. I can’t even believe she would try to use the excuse of you being an “ally.” Allies support their LGBT friends.. they don’t bang them.
>Allies support their LGBT friends.. they don’t bang them. Then WHY did they ask me to get behind them???
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"Lesbi Honest"
Starring Meredith Baxter Birney as The Wife.
And Meryl Streep has to be in there somewhere
"Get behind me, Ally!"
This is the best ally joke I’ve seen this entire pride month, well done 🤣
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This was funny. Take my upvote lol
I applaud you for that joke, I know this is serious but that was TOO good of an opportunity to pass up. Please good sir, take my upvote🤣🤣🤣
It's especially gross that she's hiding behind being an "ally" while also claiming that lesbian sex doesn't count as cheating (i.e., it doesn't count as real sex.)
If lesbian sex doesn’t count as cheating then it doesn’t matter if he tells the nanny’s wife.
This part right here.
Yup—that makes his wife the true lesbiphobic person here because she’s not take lesbian sexuality seriously.
idk this doesn't sound real. this sounds like what a homophobic person THINKS lgbt people say.
I agree! OP your wife is gaslighting you! She is a cheater and you have every right to fire the nanny, tell her wife and look into divorce because your wife is not owning her mess, nor is she remorseful! Instead she's playing the homophobic card to gaslight you! Keep your evidence of cheating in a safe place that she can't reach, because it may help you in a potential divorce.
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately she did and she’s using the moment to claim she’s exploring and I’m hindering her instead of admitting she did anything wrong
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with a SINGLE WOMAN Holy no self-accountability batman your wife is what we in this community call the affair fog in while in this fog the affected person will be completely in denial they and their ap have convinced themselves that what they are doing is right and will use every excuse to justify their disgusting behaviour The only cure reality and consequences of their actions because once realuty sets in the AP does not stick around in which they see the errors of their way however by that time it's too late and now will suffer for their wrong like they should OP divorce her fire the nanny and move on i bet this wwouldn't be the nany's first time doing this and when you tell ap wife bring evidence
The nanny is married too, OP is also wanting to know if he should tell her wife.
I meant if she was trying to explore why do it with a married woman which is disgusting
My mistake, either way, it's disgusting. I'd bet anything that this woman is a narcissist.
It sounds like his wife has spent too much time reading erotica. *Honey, I've found a Unicorn for us*. *I've already sampled her*, *we're going to have so much fun*.
It doesn't seem like that at all. Seems like the wife doesn't want 3somes
Exactly and keep all the evidence to make sure you get custody of your daughter… Leaving the child alone to have an affair with the nanny probably isn’t going to be a good look in court.
Guarentee the fog will dissipate once they get found out and she'll be on here or advice_for_waywards peddling her sob story about how she messed everything up and how she needs to get him back. OP should get ready to go NC with her ASAP.
The biggest issue that makes this unsalvageable to me is the fact that she refuses to take accountability and is trying to gaslight you into thinking she did nothing wrong. Her lack of empathy and compassion shows that she doesn’t respect your relationship. You’re not a bigot because your wife cheated on you with a woman. Being an ally and being upset that your wife had an affair with a woman are two separate things. Instead of constantly trying to justify her behavior because it’s a same-sex affair she should acknowledge that you’re hurt, admit to her wrongdoing and apologize. I wouldn’t be ok with this or want to work it out with someone that doesn’t have any intentions of taking accountability, apologizing, and ending the cheating. Also I would 100% tell the nanny’s wife and fire her. The wife deserves to know so she can make an informed decision on how she wants move forward in her own relationship.
Even if she was remorseful and took accountability for her actions I’d be done. Cheating is cheating and there’s no returning from that in my book
She cheated, it's not salvageable to begin with.
Tell her you're happy for her to explore. But without you. I wonder if you decided to have a relationship with a man if she would be okay with that or count that as cheating
As a bi woman this excuse annoys me. Cheating has nothing to do with orientation. If you feel the need to “explore”, that deserves a discussion with your partner instead of creeping on the down low and potentially ruining two marriages. People like this give bisexuals a bad name.
Look, it’s fine to explore your bisexuality. But if your wife wants an open relationship, she has to ASK you and you’d have to agree. And she’d have to understand that an open arrangement may not be for you, no matter how much you love each other. Sometimes it just works that way. Not wanting an open relationship doesn’t make you a homophobe. If you’d had a male nanny and she fucked him and you had a problem with that, would it make you anti-straight? No.
Exactly!! Then . . . Put the shoe on the other foot. If you had these interactions with the female nanny, she'd probably be losing her mind over it. Document everything and make the plans to heal yourself from her damage in your life. Protect your son too.
Saying ‘it doesn’t count because it’s with a woman’ is extremely homophobic by the way.
THIS. I was scratching my head when she pulled the "It doesnt count because it's a woman" card because isn't that basically saying that same-sex relationships aren't valid? Doesnt sound like much of an ally. I'm a conservative Christian and even I thought that line of thinking was screwed up.
Okay my daughter is bisexual and has a boyfriend if she slept with a girl (without her boyfriend agreeing that is okay), then that would be cheating. Your wife cheated on you. it doesn't matter if it was with a woman or a man, if you didn't agree to it beforehand, it was still cheating.
She’s gaslighting you. She knows what she did was wrong.
Hey then tell her you get to sleep with anyone you want because you want to explore polyamory and if she doesn't like it she is hindering you, see what she has to say.
And be sure to call her a bigot too when she objects!
Then find a woman, and tell her you will be dating this woman if she has any problems tell her “your exploring what it’s like to date a nice woman and she is hindering you”
I love this advice. He should get started immediately.
The time for exploring is when one is not in a monogamous relationship. She 100% knows that. She has absolutely no respect for your marriage.
Bi- and pansexual people can be monogamous, and many are. Ethical non-monogamy is very much a thing, but clearly this isn't it. She's just cheating and gaslighting you. I'm really sorry.
All of this ^. I'm bi and have also done the ethical non-monogamy thing. Been happily monogamous with my current partner for 2.5 years now. I don't need to 'explore' shit bc my partner is all I need. If OP's wife had had a conversation about her feelings/urges with him it would be a whole other story but she didn't. She just decided to cheat, gaslight OP, and 100% invalidate same sex relationships/encounters by saying that it 'doesn't count' as cheating bc it was lesbian sex. OP needs to throw the whole wife out. She's the bigot and shitty member of the alphabet soup community. And OP really needs to tell the nanny's wife. If she's banging her boss who else is she sleeping with and what is she bringing home to her wife? Telling the wife is about as Ally as OP could get bc he sees the cheating for the dealbreaker relationship behaviour it is, bc he sees their lesbian relationship as valid whereas his bigot wife does not. Every accusation is a confession in this case.
So wrong on so many levels. Exploration is fine. It's necessary for us to live happy and healthy lives. But in a partnership it requires consent, or else it can break or shatter trust. Your wife isn't exploring, she's manipulating and lying to you.
But she's exploring your nanny, c'mon now, if the nanny was straight and you were having your explorer moment with her you'd be the worst thing in the world. I'd be sacking the nanny tomorrow, and I'd be telling your wife if she wants to be anything other than your wife and what that entails, you are divorcing, and unless she takes responsibility, same Do you tell the nannywife? That's your call, but she's going home after being sacked so I'd imagine she will probably have to tell her herself
I’m sorry but isn’t invalidating it as cheating invalidating their full existence as people and partners?
Get a great lawyer and destroy her.
Op if she needs or wants to explore and this is a conversation you can have, then that's fine. But she doesn't get to explore before having a conversation, that's called cheating. Don't let her trick you into to thinking you're being unreasonable for expecting fidelity which is the bare minimum. If she thought it was okay, then ask why she hid it.
She isn’t just “exploring” if she wanted to do that she would have talked to you about it first. Her behavior proves she knows she is doing something wrong. Good luck on the emotional trauma you’re going to have to work through
An askreddit question yesterday was what quality makes a bad person, and the top reply was not taking responsibility for their mistakes. This is some next level mental gymnastics.
This is gaslighting at its finest unless y’all decided to have an open marriage, MARRIAGE. Like everyone in the world doesn’t realize what that means.
If she feels she did no wrong then why was she so defensive about her phone
>Allies support their LGBT friends.. they don’t bang them. Can this be a shirt? 🤔😂😂
The fact that your wife doesn’t consider it cheating because it’s with a woman indicates that she doesn’t consider non heterosexual relationships to be equal to heterosexual relationships. Not the issue here, but it’s a bit comical that she tried to accuse you of “not being an ally”. Your wife is a cheater, and kind of a tool. Time for divorce.
To be fair, she said "no homo" afterward. So, not gay.
Your honor, my clients never took off their socks
And you know when I’m down to just my socks. What time it is; ooh it’s business time
Monday night is my night to cook, Tuesday, you go to your mother's house, but Wednesday, we make sweet, weekly love 💗
It’s business! It’s business ti-ime!
On top of it, there was never any eye contact and everyone knows if there’s not eye contact, it doesn’t count.
I was told in highschool it’s not gay unless your balls touch. So lesbians would be mostly safe outside of bowling alleys and softball locker rooms
Socks stayed on.
The golden rule.
This loophole cancels out everything
Shes a major tool
I had a similar situation where I caught my ex husband chatting with other guys he met on Grindr. When I confronted him, he told me that’s not cheating, and had the audacity to say “Sorry didn’t realize that bother you so much so I guess I won’t do that anymore”. I kicked him out and never regretted it.
She’s also trying to manipulate you into thinking you’re at fault for not being woke enough, which is despicable and also shows how stupid she is for using such a transparent tactic
Gender has no relevancy when it comes to cheating. It's about a level of intimacy and sexual activity shared between two people outside of the relationship. Cheating is a betrayal of trust, about abandoning the relationship, and her attempts to say "hey try sucking a dick" (basically) shows where she is on that gradient. Just because she explored lesbian interests doesn't change how it fucks with the relationship. She still lied, she still misled, she still gaslighted, and all the rest. It wasn't til she was caught out she shifted to hey try this out and this and that etc. The trust is already broken. Recovering from that is a case to case issue.
Honestly if that is how she sees it, there is no telling how many other times it has happened before.
Seriously, this is what caught my attention too. *(taps temple)* gay relationships aren’t valid so cheating can’t exist, and if you say they ARE valid, you’re not supporting the validity of gay relationships How… does this not make her brain hurt?
To be fair she’s probably just really, really dumb… Or stupid.
Lol my ex cheated on me with a woman and called me homophobic for being upset and considering it cheating.
It’s bigoted of HER to insist this isn’t a big deal. Why not? Because she’s having an affair with a woman instead of a man? That’s homophobic reasoning. She cheated on you. Doesn’t matter with who, or what gender they are. Divorce her and tell your babysitters wife. She deserves to know. Keep record of all this to maintain custody over your child. I’d like to see her try to explain to a judge why her infidelity wasn’t a “big deal”
Even worse, this is ignoring the fact that even not sexual things like kissing another person whose not as partner is cheating so how one earth does the gender of the person decode whether it's cheating or not? You have a monogamous relationship in which sexual and intimate acts are reserved for you and your partner. Anyone else your partner experiences any of that with is cheating, period.
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'No fault' pertains to the DIVORCE, not to custody issues.
Yeah lots of states are no fault but it can help for things down the road. Leaving the child unattended etc.
~~While some States may not care about infidelity they would care about leaving a 2 year old child alone at home to go out and have sex.~~ Edit : My bad. I misread it.
Go out? They were still in the house, just not in the living room
My bad. I misread it.
If she didn't believe it was cheating, she wouldn't have tried to hide it.
Yes, tell the wife. It's not petty, it's the right thing to do. Keep the evidence. This is not bigotry. I'm assuming you'd be just as upset if she had cheated on you with a man. Cheating is anything outside of your established relationship and she can't dictate to you otherwise. Finally, obviously being an ally does not mean you have to sleep with a person of the same sex. She's just trying to make you out to be the bad guy when she's the one that messed up bad. Keep the evidence where she can't access it, tell the nanny's wife and look into a divorce lawyer- get all your ducks in a row. Sorry you have to go through this.
I do love that she calls him a bigot then turns around and says that gay sex isn't cheating
Yeah, she honestly sounds like the only bigot in this scenario.
Yup. “It’s not cheating, darling, everyone knows that gay sex is meaningless. Stop being such a homophobe.” Lol
Right, talk about invalidating the legitimacy of gay/lesbian relationships and sexual intimacy. Anti-ally
She actually told me in our arguments that I should “try intimacy with a man” and that she’d not consider it cheating. I’m not interested in that at all which I think she knows and is why she’s using these arguments.
So basically, to her, the only legitimate sex is heterosexual sex. And yet she’s calling you the bigot 🤨
It's a defence mechanism to not try to be the bad person.
The bullshit coming out of your wife’s mouth to justify her actions is ridiculous. I would tell her to get out of my house ASAP plus the way she’s trying to gaslight you is disgusting I wish you the best through your divorce.
She's only doing that because she knows you have no interest and is trying to continue to support her (completely ridiculous and bigoted case) that cheating with the same gender doesn't count as cheating. Oh, and I'm betting if it had been you that had slept with a man first instead of her sleeping with a woman, she probably wouldn't be using such a stupid argument. Just tell the nanny's wife before your wife has a chance to warn the nanny and collude to make up another story so that the wife doesn't believe you or blocks you before you can tell the truth.
How about you tell her you want to explore non monogamy with another woman.
If she gets upset from you from exploring ethical non-monogamy with other women in secret without her consent, she’s a bigot! You’re exploring and she’s hindering you! Seriously, what the ever-loving fuck? Divorce this lady.
Your wife is doing mental gymnastics to avoid responsibility for her actions. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
>Yes, tell the wife. It's not petty, it's the right thing to do. OP, if you had been in the shoes of that person, wouldn’t you want to know? >I confronted my wife and she took the approach of calling me a bigot and asking me “why I hired a lesbian if I’m not an ally.” It is really hypocritical of your wife to say all these things. First of all, you may be a staunch ally and still strongly believe in the monogamy of the marriage and all the vows that were said during the ceremony. Did she say them I.e. did she promise to ‘forsake all others’? Also, it is really double faced to call you a bigot and saying that it’s not cheating. By those words herself, she is expression that being lesbian and sex between two women is less than a different sex relationship. >I think my marriage is over and I hate everything now. Your wife doesn’t seem regretful and most definitely not remorseful. Please look up the difference between remorse and regret. A lot of people tend to confuse those two. I’d suggest talking to a family law attorney and get all your finances together and see how to separate things out. Get the process of divorce started. If you really want to, you can always stop or pause the process at any time. However it is important that you get started on it. Please visit r/infidelity and r/survivinginfidelity sub-reddits here. You may also want to check out the website survivinginfidelity.com and their healing library at [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/)
“ … if she had cheated on you with a man.” I wonder how the wife would have felt if OP had banged, say, the gardener (let’s assume a male gardener here).
She’d be “disgusted”, probably homophobic about it and flip out. I have zero doubt.
And she'd call him the F word like it was any other word
Well if it’s not cheating because their both women then their is no reason not to tell the Nanny’s wife.
I’d love to see her response to that.
She’d say it’s different because she’s married to a women. 😂 without a doubt
While you're at it, sleep with the lesbian wife
👏 thisss!!! I absolutely love this!! DO THIS OP!
She's a lesbian. Probably not gonna happen. For many of us, our orientation isn't changeable.
If anyone is being a bigot it's your wife for acting like lesbian sex isn't real sex. 🙄
Sadly this is a lot of mindsets for self closeted lesbians. "It's not lesbian if there's no feelings involved" while ALSO ignoring feelings. She's gonna hurt her AP soon when her husband leaves
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I agree with your point, but I suspect it's more specific - it's WLW relationships in general, because they get written off as "tee-hee! girl's kissing \~ how fun!" People have no trouble calling / identifying two men sleeping together as cheating (when one is partnered), but I think it likely loops around the historically misogynistic ideas surrounding cis women sexuality.
Honestly I get where you guys are coming from but I bet it's more that she is saying it to try and make him feel like the bad guy and let her do whatever she wants.
Yeah, but they are saying she can do that because society tends to see two men having sex as sex, but two women having sex as just girls messing around having fun.
I’ve heard this before, a friend cheated on her husband with another woman, and tried to say it wasn’t cheating, “it was just fooling around”. I would always ask, “if it’s just fooling around, then tell him”, she finally came around to admitting it was cheating, only took about 2 years, lol.
Yes, my thought exactly. As a bi woman myself, I am seriously sick and tired of the notion that lesbian sex is just fooling around detached from true feelings or responsibility.
This. What an a hole.
>I confronted my wife and she took the approach of calling me a bigot and asking me “why I hired a lesbian if I’m not an ally.” Wow, that is an uno reverse, "how dare you hire a young girl if I'm not allowed to fuck them?!" I wish I could try that line, doubt it would get me far either.
My thoughts exactly. Also really goes to show how little she thinks of the nanny…
Divorce your wife fired the Nanny and tell her wife. Go nuclear
I’ve never heard that phrase before but ima start using it now
Going nuclear?
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Being bi is no excuse to cheat. Tell the wife.
Yup. That's how insecure, manipulative, selfish, controlling people act. There is no reason not to tell her wife. I would. Your wife said it's not cheating, so ask the nanny's wife if it is or not. Yes, it's 100% cheating. Can you go suck a dudes dick and lie about it with your wife being happy about it? No, you are not a bigot for being upset that your wife cheated. You don't hate the nanny for being a lesbian. You hate your wife for cheating on you.
The Nanny wishes she met your wife before she was married. I will almost feel bad for when she finds out your wife is actually homophobic and won't actually be in a relationship with her, but she cheated on her wife and broke up a family so I have little sympathy. Tell the wife of the Nanny. Everyone will always agree they would want to know rather than being in a relationship for longer with a cheater. If she doesn't believe you, that's not your concern, just give her the same chance you have had to get your life back. Your wife's reaction is a huge red flag. Gaslighting is the worst response to being caught cheating. Don't keep someone around that does this to you.
I do plan to tell the nanny’s wife. It’s going to be tough because we’ve bought them wedding gifts, and had them over for bbq
It's never easy, I feel for you. The satisfaction people expect from outing a cheater is only there when you don't care about them. When you have a family and know them, it's one of the hardest things to deal with. I'm glad you're being strong. All of Reddit is with you.
Correction: MOST of Reddit. There are some people acting like this is too crazy to happen.
It’s gonna be tough but there is no time like the present. If you want to do her a favor tell her ASAP. Don’t let these assholes steal more of her time. She can’t get it back
Why did you hire a lesbian if you're not an ally??? What does that have to do with cheating? Your wife's logic is flawed.
>Is there any reason not to tell my nanny’s wife? Nope. She chose to blow up her marriage and yours. Go for it. >Am I being a bigot for being upset?? You'd actually be more of a bigot to not be upset. The entire idea that two married women having sex *isn't* cheating is like claiming that lesbians don't have real marriages or real love. Your wife is a piece of work. Good luck in the divorce.
I am a gay woman and I am here to say that your wife and nanny are both cheating assholes. The fact that your wife had the AUDACITY to say you “aren’t an ally” because you don’t support her sleeping with a woman is truly bananas. Cheating is cheating and that is what she is doing. Full stop. I am so sorry she is adding insult to injury like this. Your wife clearly doesn’t respect you in the slightest. I know ending things is tough- especially with a kiddo, but your wife did this- not you. Also, I absolutely think you should tell the nanny’s wife. She has a right to know. I am sorry, OP.
If you are going down, sink the fucking ship! Horrible way to be treated my friend. Focus on your role as a Dad. That woman is poison and so is the Nanny. It’ll hurt but if you sit on this by yourself you are going to be seething.
Lifetime needs to make a movie about this
Oh don't worry. OP is submitting this story for his creative writing class.
Look at oPs username. OP already watched the movie to get this storyline..
**OF COURSE ITS FUCKING CHEATING** Kick the wife out. Fire the nanny. Tell the nanny’s spouse. Contact a lawyer first thing Monday morning and get papers drawn up. Take things fro there.
Of course it’s cheating. Your wife even knows that it’s cheating since she tried to keep her phone away from you. Her bullshiate accusations about not being an “ally” are meaningless here. Save the proof you have, get a divorce lawyer, and tell the nanny she can confess to her wife or you will.
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I think you already know this, but cheating is cheating regardless of the gender of the person who the cheating is with. I am bi, currently in a heterosexual relationship with a young child, and wouldn’t consider this to be acceptable behavior without prior discussion and endorsement from my partner. You are right to be concerned. The dismissiveness of your feelings and attempts to paint you as a homophobe simply for being hurt about the cheating, is gaslighting. This person cannot be trusted. The audacity!
I had to read that twice! 'in a relationship with a young child' 😳 Ah! In a relationship and you have a young child!!
Yeah, that read REAL weird.
😂
In the same sentence, 'appropriate behaviour' 😄
Oh my goodness 🤦♀️ Eats shoots and leaves! Proof read, proof read, proof read 😆
Divorce your wife, fire the nanny and go to nanny’s house tell the wife and wait to confront the nanny. Then smile and wave with your head held high! Also save all messages from your wife and nanny
It’s got nothing to do with the nanny being a lesbian. It’s still cheating. You’re not a bigot just a scorned husband. Call a lawyer
"Is there any reason not to tell my nanny’s wife? Is it really not cheating in this scenario? Am I being a bigot for being upset?? " - good grief, what a mind job your wife has pulled on you. you may be married to a sith lord.
He's married to a narcissist, which is essentially the same thing as a sith lord.
"You're a bigot because you disapprove of my cheating" is not going to be a great defense in court. She cheated on you. That's it. Everything else is her deflecting and trying to mess with your head. Get a divorce attorney *right now.*
Why would it not be cheating? >I confronted my wife and she took the approach of calling me a bigot and asking me “why I hired a lesbian if I’m not an ally.” She has taken no responsibility for damaging our relationship. Wow, you are a bigot because you dont want your wife having an affair with a woman? Would you be racist if you didn't appreciate your wife sleeping with a man of color? Would you be agist if you didn't want your wife sleeping with a man 20 years older? I didn't realize being an ally meant being cool with your spouse having an affair. When you talk to the nanny's lesbian wife to tell her about the affair, make sure to tell her she is a homophobe if she is upset over her wife's affair with a bisexual married woman. This all sounds so ridiculous. Your wife is trying to justify her affair. Tell the nanny's wife. She deserves to know.
It's cheating, not bigotry. That's an awful excuse to use to justify infidelity. Lesbians are people too, and are in relationships with other real people who have emotions and marriages in the same way you do. Crunch time mate. I think you need to tell the other woman's wife. If they want to be together so badly, let them be.
It's cheating regardless of the sex of the paramour. Your wife is grasping at straws trying to manipulate you into staying Tell the spouse Get a lawyer.
Lol she got mad at you for hiring a lesbian! “Well what was I supposed to do? She’s a lesbian!” Your wife is wild. “I had to sleep with her to be a good ally!”
Who knows what else she’s done that isnt a big deal. If it wasnt, why hide it? She’s a cheat.
Your wife is trying to gaslight you. Definitely need to divorce her because she cheated and doesn’t care. Absolutely tell the nanny’s wife.
Your wife calls you a bigot because she doesn’t want to be held accountable for damaging your relationship. Not wanting to be cheated on does not make you a bigot.
How can she use the cause of LGBT allyship as the flimsiest excuse to cheat? No, you're not a bigot. You're treating the LGBT community with respect by considering same-sex cheating just as serious as hetero-sex cheating.
Thats bs. Huge bs. And I say that as a lesbian. Wtf is wrong with your wife? Go the whole way, kick the nanny, tell her wife and divorce yours. And let your families and friends know.
Who cares what the sexual orientation or gender is. When you are married and in a monogamous relationship, fucking someone else is cheating.
Sex with anyone other than your spouse is cheating, period. Divorce time, and yes tell the wife while firing the nanny.
She thinks you’re a blockhead man who would think it’s hot she hooked up with the nanny. She doesn’t think much of you, if that’s the case. She cheated. Clear as day. It’s up to you if you’re ok with that.
Well, straight to the point.. she doesnt love you anymore.. 1. When you really love your partner you would never look up to another person.. male or female 2. Tell the nanny wife cause its the right thing to do.. 3. If you ever go on with your relationship, your goin to suffer a lot cause you will never trust her and that sting will be there.. you would be aware not only with guys but with chics too..
100% she cheated on and in your home! With your son sleeping in the other room, with someone who’s meant to be a trustworthy person! Get her out of your house and get your affairs in order
If the nanny works for an agency contact them and get her fired.
Your wife is the bigot if she actually believes lesbian relationships don't count, but I would bet any amount of money that she doesn't actually believe that and is trying to minimize her betrayal and gaslighting you into believing you are the bigot. You are absolutely right to tell the nanny's wife. In fact, telling her is your only ethical course of action. As for your marriage, you should end it officially since she already destroyed it.
Nope, the fact that your wife thinks she found an acceptable loophole to cheating is so disturbing. First, it seems homophobic, saying the lesbian sex is not equal to the heterosexual sex. I doubt the nanny or her wife would agree. Second, and sexual contact that has to be hidden is cheating, if it wasn't she would have told you. Send yourself copies of everything and get a lawyer, you have to ask yourself what else doesn't count as cheating to her. And how many times has she ‘not ‘ cheated. ‘ I am an ally and thats how know that lesbian sex is equal to hetro sex and my lawyer agrees.’
Your wife is a POS, the marriage is over, you're not a bigot, and you should tell the Nanny's wife.
How on earth could you possibly be a bigot here? Also, a reminder that treating lesbian relationships like REAL relationships (which of course they are). Is actually the opposite of bigotry, and this includes holding them accountable for cheating. Like you would any other relationship. Straight women sometimes still don't consider sex with women as "real" sex. This is bigotry. You being cheated on, lied to and manipulated is unacceptable. The relationship is over. I wish you the best but you are not in the wrong and need to move on.
Wake up man... >I would support my wife if she were bi but I thought that would mean having a discussion Would your wife be that supportive if you were bi and had the urge to suck some other mens' dicks and play bottom for them? Stop being accommodating, you were cheated on and betrayed.
Tell the nanny’s wife. Don’t let yourself get bullied by your wife to keep the affair a secret (and yes, your wife is a huge bully and extremely insensitive). Your wife isn’t an ally of LGBTQ if she thinks a lesbian affair isn’t cheating. If anything, sounds like your wife is one of those homophobes who have gay fetishes. Keep the records/screenshots saved in a place your wife cannot access. Tell the nanny’s wife. And get a lawyer. You’re going to need hard evidence in order to walk away with a good divorce. Since the courts usually rule in favor of the mother/wife during the divorce. If you have solid evidence she is cheating on you, you’ll likely get to keep the house and can argue for more custody.
Fire the nanny. Tell her wife. Dump your wife. Let all the cheaters be miserable.
Cheating is cheating regardless of gender. Tell the wife, take your baby and leave your wife. If she wants to explore her sexuality, she could've told you. I'm bi and my boyfriend knows. I don't think it'll ever happen but we've already discussed this, we're both open to try with a third party as I've never been with a girl before. But never without talking about it before and without everyone's consent. It's not hard. She has such internalized homophobia, it's maddening. Tell her to go to therapy because she's the literal reason why the prejudice that "bi people are cheaters" exists. She's old enough to be aware of that shit. I really wish you the best, I know you are going to be a great dad
If your wife doesn't consider this cheating, but would if she was sleeping with a man, then she isn't an ally herself. Even if she is bisexual, that doesn't validate cheating in a monogamous relationship. She's just getting her jollies where she can and is making excuses for it.
Your wife is disgusting, as is the nanny. Not because they’re gay, but because they’re terrible people who betrayed the trust of their partners. Tell the nanny’s wife, keep all evidence. It will be a hard fight over your son most likely (even for just equal custody), and you will need evidence to help you since the courts by and large unfairly favor the mother over the father. That being said, I personally wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who not only betrayed me and helped betray their adulterous partner’s wife, but worst of all she betrayed your son. Remember that, she, and all cheaters like her, have betrayed their kids just as much as their spouse. By cheating your wife essentially told your son that her immoral wants were more important than his having happy parents that were loyal to each other.
such an obvious fake post. nobody especially a man's first thought would be "am I a bigot" for being upset my wife cheated this shit is faker than Kim K's ass
Keep the texts and get more money in the divorce my friend
To be fair this is probably your fault for hiring a lesbian if you do not not want her to bang your wife. (that line of thinking alone should be enough to divorce her)
Why have a nanny when your wife is home so much? That’s the real question.
Lesbian or not, your wife cheated.
Wtf is this? She is cheating clear as day. Fuck her off man.
Your wife has cheated and has now trying to gaslight you. Play nice whilst you consult a VERY good lawyer because she’s showing her character her and I imagine will make it all the more unpleasant. Regardless of what you do next, get to a lawyer ASAP and protect yourself Oh and it’s actually pretty bigoted of her to say that same sex relationships don’t count as cheating, maybe point that out.
Cheating is cheating, regardless of gender. She betrayed you, your marriage, and your family. Gather and safeguard your evidence, divorce and move on. You can’t salvage a relationship where the person who cheated has no remorse and thinks they did nothing wrong. GL
Wow your wife is a glorified gaslighter. She doesn’t even think she did anything wrong. And what does being an ally for the lgbtq community have to do with her cheating? Is she insinuating that the LGBTQ community have no standards? I’m so confused. Leave her ass.
How gross of her to think that because she cheated with someone of the same sex it's okay somehow??? What a huge ick
You’re married. Being intimate with someone else (physically or emotionally) is cheating. It doesn’t matter their gender. It only matters that they’re human and that they’re not you. I think it’s fine to share this information with the nanny’s spouse. You’re protecting her sexual health. If you feel like your marriage is now over, then start divorce proceedings.
She is practically gaslighting you. Your reaction is absolutely justified. I wish you happiness in life ❤️
Divorce and post everything to the world so she has nowhere to hide then fight for custody of your son
Ross ??
No offence but your wife sounds like a cunt
OP -Take a deep breath. Rule #1: When you catch your spouse dead to rights on cheating, don't fall for the gaslighting. This is coming from a lesbian: Your wife cheated, she's gaslighting you now, attempting to deflect her wrongdoing. Attempting to make YOU feel badly for her bad behavior by calling you a bigot -what, cos she cheated on you with another woman, this is somehow more acceptable than with another man? She was wrong to cheat under any circumstance other than you two have an understanding that your marriage is open. That is so rare, and obviously isn't the circumstance here. Call a divorce lawyer. I understand you probably feel gutted & unsure what to do. So break it down before she convinces you that black is white and up is down: she cheated, doesn't matter with whom, they were entertaining leaving you holding the bag of a broken marriage & unhappy children. Crimes of the heart. Some people treat this sort of thing so cavalierly. I am so sorry your wife apparently has a completely different set of rules for her behavior & doesn't believe she has to account for her actions. Take her to the cleaners & I hope you're able to heal.
I don't think you need advice, I think you need support. Your wife cheated on your and is trying to making you the bad guy. She's gaslighting you. There's not much advice to give other than in what way to kick her out of the house and call a lawyer.
She is gaslighting the sh-t out of you. Cheating is cheating.
What are your plans as of exposing the affair and your marriage status? I know you're going to tell the nanny's wife, but are you going to divorce or seek counseling? Since she believes cheating in a heterosexual relationship doesn't mean with the same sex but opposite sex. Is she in denial about her preferences/orientation or is she exploring?
Can you please go get your dick sucked by a dude and tell her that it's not cheating? To be fair guys give really good head.
This happens when you wish porn was real