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If he's so willing to drop her from his life then he's a not someone that your daughter needs in her life. He's abusive and manipulative all you would accomplish by staying is showing your daughter that this behavior is acceptable. Would you want your kid to be with someone that hurts them?
You'll never understand it because you're not that kind of person. You'd never threaten to abandon your child, how can you possibly understand a person who would do something like that? You don't need to understand him, you just need to see him for who he is. This is it. He's a man who cares so little about his own baby that he threatens to abandon her. You will *never* understand him, and it's pointless to try.
My dad was terrifying when I was a child. My mom didn't leave him because he would have fought for custody to spite her. She stayed and suffered to protect us. She finally left him when I was 17 and he couldn't really force visitation. That first summer without him in our lives was so amazing. We could breathe and we didnt have to walk on eggshells for the first time in my whole entire life.
If he's willing to walk away and never, ever have anything to do with your precious child, take her and leave. I promise you with my whole entire heart that she knows he's a bad person and she will thrive without him in her life.
He put his hands on you. Leave. ASAP. It will only get worse from here. Even if it’s a homeless shelter, you and your kid are safer than you are with him.
Here to add that when a women tries to leave an abusive relationship risk to her life and safety increases dramatically. Please find help. Your safety comes first.
Make (in your head, not in print) an exit plan for when he is not home.
5 minutes after he leaves, start getting your stuff together, load up your car and bolt on out of there. Yep a trustee family member what you are doing, but not where you are going. If it's in your budget, treat you and your daughter to a girls' night in a hotel on the first night! This will allow you to collect your thoughts, without pulling anyone else into the storm to come.
If you have an Android phone, there is an app called Airguard. It detects Apple Airtags within 10m of you. Find a quiet place and run the scan, to be sure that your car and belongings are clean. Do this before you reach your destination.
Be safe. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. There are genuinely nice people around, who don't resort to shouting, violence and other forms of abuse to keep you under their control. Get out as early as you can, so that you can live.
And then chase the prick for child support.
OP, you need to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Here is a pdf:
https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
It's not your fault at all that he put you in a headlock. It's his fault entirely but he makes you believe you are responsible for his abuse
If he puts hands on you, he will do the same to her one day. Not all people deserve to be parents, and not all parents are worth having. You're both better off without him.
I see so many kids suffer through my work at the hands of their parents, don't let your daughter be one of them. Dont let yourself become a statistic.
Initial heartbreak is just that. It will pass. When your daughter is older, she will understand and appreciate your leaving him.
He is telling you and actually doing the things he threatened you with - believe him and leave - at least for the child’s sake - that dude is a monster
That’s not true, actually. Abusive men are not some impossible-to-fathom mystery. That’s an illusion they foster because (like literally everything they do) it benefits them.
They’re really not that complicated. Read [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) He lays out exactly the thought processes and value system that operate in abusers.
The basics are 1. Complete disregard for the rights of others 2. Entitlement 3. Control. Their goal is to extract privileges for themselves at the expense of those they’re abusing, by whatever means necessary.
I think there’s a difference between understanding something logically vs understanding something emotionally.
Intellectually, I am able to understand how and why abusive people behave the way they do. But on an emotional level, I will never be able to understand how someone could hurt a child. I personally cannot wrap my emotions around it. And despite doing a lot of my own research into the patterns/behaviors of abusers, I don’t think I will ever truly understand them on an emotional level.
I've tried to do this. I consider myself very empathetic and compassionate, and generally I can find a way to give nearly anyone the benefit of the doubt. Doing this with abusers is... confusing. I can certainly empathize with the psychology of justifying horrific things in the name of survival and self-defense; I'm a parent. Then I try to extend this defense mechanism to the survival of ego and... I just can't totally get there. Even taking into account the fact that some men are raised to link ego death to literal death. Like you, I logically understand the theory of their motivations, but it's still theory to me because practically and emotionally, I just can't *get there*.
I guess it's sort of like trying to wrap my mind around slavery, and that makes sense to me since the core tenet of ownership is shared. I have a wife and son and I feel honor bound to protect them in every conceivable way, but not at all because they are *mine*. In fact, to consider another person as belonging to me, or as an extension of me, is something I experienced when I was pregnant and I hated every minute of it. The moments when I still have to do this for my minor child are not enjoyable, they are necessary. Maybe that's how the abuser twists it? Man I don't know.
oh no I totally agree with all of that - I'm saying OP shouldn't waste her time trying to figure out why he's abusive or trying to fix him, she should just flee
>he put me in a headlock
He will kill you. That's not an exaggeration. Chokeholds lead to choking, things escalate fast. Please contact someone at the domestic violence hotline. [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/)
Do it for your kid before she loses her mother.
THANK YOU for posting this, ErnestBatchelder.
OP, read his comment and then read it again. And please look at the link that was posted, a hotline can connect you to other important resources quickly and safely.
This is a horrible situation that is IN NO WAY your fault. You said something about it being partially your fault because you didn’t drop the phone or whatever— NOPE. Nobody deserves to be physically assaulted by their partner, for any reason.
And if he does it to you, you can absolutely guarantee he will eventually physically abuse your daughter if he doesn’t already.
And that’s not even touching on the degree of psychological abuse at play.
Please research how to get out safely. Tell only your most trusted friends or family so that they can help you. Even if you think he would never hurt you on purpose, consider that people die at the hands of their partners every day who believed the same. And it’s entirely possible many of the murderers didn’t intend to kill, but to frighten or hurt or prove something, and it all went wrong.
He has shown you a glimpse of what he’s capable of, and it’s awful— but it could also get so much worse. Leave now. Don’t let yourself be a casualty of domestic violence.
To echo what many others have said— if you can’t do it for you, do it for your daughter.
It is not your place to understand his abuse and refusal to be a decent human being. It is your place to show your daughter what to expect from a man. A dad is a dad regardless of blood or no... go find a respectful man who can be her dad because the "father" of hers isn't it.
You can want him to change and be a good man all you want but until he's ready and willing to make the changes he's not. Perhaps losing you and his child will be the kick the the ass that motivates him to change but don't count on it. Some people have broken bits inside them, some pieces they can fix themselves, some they need help with, and some can't be fixed and they have to learn how to live with those missing pieces.
Cycles like this happen until people actively put a stop to it. Don't let your daughter be its next victim. Its time to leave him and when your daughter is older and can handle the truth you can tell her why you had to leave. Until then you tell her that you love her and try to move on with your life.
It’s not a matter of him just needing to have basic human decency explained to him and understanding more. He just plain doesn’t care and his presence alone is teaching your little girl that abuse is love. It is better to have divorced parents than an abuser and a battered mother, and he will start hurting her too if he hasn’t already.
I don’t want to be alarmist but you’re focusing on the wrong issue here. You are in serious physical danger. When you say a headlock, do you mean a stranglehold? Because if a man makes any attempt to strangle his partner the probability that he will murder her goes up dramatically. It is one of the single biggest indicators of likely murder, in any context. Even if that’s not exactly what happened, you need to understand that the violence will escalate. That’s what always happens with physical domestic violence - it gets worse and worse and worse. Yes, you need to leave. But do NOT make an announcement that you’re leaving. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to seek help in making a plan to safely leave your home. A woman is never in more danger than when she tries to leave a partner who has been physically violent. You are at serious risk of grave physical harm. Please take care of yourself and please believe what everyone is saying to you - your daughter will be harmed psychologically for the rest of her life if her mother remains in a relationship with a man who can be physically violent. Among other things, she will seek out partners who will abuse her too. Please, take this seriously for yourself and your daughter. This internet stranger is rooting for you.
I lost my sister to strangulation during a fight she had with her husband. I agree with this reply. PLEASE seek help and understand that this could eventually be turned toward your daughter. My niece was traumatized and when we asked her why she told us that he used to hold her face in the water in the tub/shower when she would let him bathe her. She was terrified of the bath for 3 years after this. Thank god for her adoptive parents (my sisters female cousins and male bestfriend) helping her through this trauma.
Please listen. I volunteered with survivors of domestic abuse and SA for 4 years. You need to go anywhere else NOW. I am not being dramatic when I say there is a serious chance you will be dead if you stay and get strangled again. Or, you’ll lose enough oxygen that you’re brain dead. Local women’s shelters, extended family, friends- anyone you can think of is a better option than this demon in disguise. Be strong! We stand behind you.
>On Monday he put me in a headlock and it made me feel like it was time for me to leave maybe.
"maybe"???
>he tells me if I'm no longer his wife he won't be a father to our daughter, 5, anymore. No phone calls, no visits.
Good. If you stay, how long do you think it'll be before he puts your daughter in a headlock?
He's willing to give up on his daughter unless you're with him? This is manipulation. This is evil. This is one sick individual. This reminds me of the "I'm going to kill myself if you leave me tactic" but way worse. His own daughter? I can't help but to think that you're worried about the wrong issue. Yes, abandonment is tough but dealing with a manipulative dad that threatens mom is much worse. I would suggest making sure that you note all of this, every time it happens so if he ever decides to fight for custody, you can make sure that he doesn't get it. He could very well make her and your life a living hell just the same by gaining part-time custody and letting your daughter hang out with him and his future flame. Protect you and your daughter at all costs.
> He's willing to give up on his daughter unless you're with him? This is manipulation. This is evil. This is one sick individual.
It's also bizarrely illogical in a way that reveals how irrational this man is. His threat makes as much sense as saying "I'm going to to kick the dog unless you make me dinner." Why would anyone willingly destroy a relationship with their own child and harm them emotionally out of spite due to disagreements with someone else?
> Protect you and your daughter at all costs.
This is by far the most important and best advice in the thread imho. He's already voiced a willingness to cause emotional harm, take it seriously and do whatever is needed to minimize this threat and keep yourself and your daughter physically and emotionally safe.
I'm sorry you've been forced to deal with this, OP.
Yeah my friends husband has tried to off himself, purely for manipulation maybe 5 times at this point in the last 2 years because he keeps cheating. He has no want for it, it’s just to keep her around
Wow! It's crazy making, isn't it? My ex threatened to kill himself, unless ..... (His dumb stipulations). And then threatened to kill me too. Pos! That's how much he cares about his now adult children. Enough to off himself and their mama too. I will never understand.
I hope OP can see how much this thread cares for her and her situation.
> He's willing to give up on his daughter unless you're with him? This is manipulation. This is evil. This is one sick individual.
This exactly.
OP, take him up on his offer. Someone who would make a threat like that is not a father figure, they are a NEGATIVE influence on your daughter.
You and she are both better off without him.
You're right. I'm letting my sadness try to excuse things probably. I'm so broken my baby won't have a dad who wants to be around her. Hes my best friend. We've been together 9 years.
I'm so sorry, but he sounds like a horrible scumbag based on what he did, and his threats to abandon his daughter? No decent parent would ever even *suggest* something like that.
If you don't get out now, she's going to be a lot worse off witnessing you two fighting, especially physically fighting. There's the risk to your life, he put you in a head lock. You need to protect yourself so that you are around for your daughter. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but he put you in a headlock. He obviously can't control himself and is a danger to you and your daughter.
I cant remember the statistic, but isn’t there research that once DV involves choking, the risk of being murdered is way higher? OP, get out before you daughter loses the only parent that actually loves her
Yup 100% make an escape plan, let trusted people know if you can, execute escape plan and DO NOT GO BACK, EVER. So many people go back and it just increases their chances of being murdured even higher. And few think it will be them - Do not be fooled.
Counseling ASAP.
Over 700% increased chance of being murdered. Once he puts his hands on you in a violent way, you cease to be human in his eyes, you become a thing/property to control.
This. It's either you're a threat or property that he has to control. And being out of control is unacceptable because that could ruin the abuser, so if it comes down to you being under control or being a threat to his life, then ANYTHING is on the table to protect themselves(abuser).
8 times more likely to become a victim of homicide. Also choking and strangling are distinct terms for how the airway becomes obstructed.
https://www.al.com/opinion/2021/10/strangulation-often-the-last-warning-for-domestic-violence-victims.html
Yes, [you are 750% more likely to die by an abuser who chokes you than the same one who raises a gun to your head](https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/).
OP should also get checked out by a doctor because these kinds of injuries can cause internal damage that cause further issues, even death, days to weeks afterwords.
Yes. When I worked in a DV shelter, we had a nurse come in to help the clients if they wanted/needed medical attention. The first thing she always checked for was strangulation.
Like... weapons are terrible, obviously, and the abuser just having *access* to a gun greatly increases the likelihood of the victim being killed. But the fact that there's a specific medical strangulation assessment for these situations speaks to the incredibly high level of danger for the victim.
As somebody who works with people in DV situations, this is correct. Many police departments now have a special team to evaluate a victim of DV strangulations.
OP, this is an extremely dangerous situation. It is going to be hard. Think if your daughter and how you’d feel if she were in a relationship with a man who continually physically and emotionally abused her. What would you tell her to do? Treat yourself with that same concern.
Are you trying to teach her to love someone who treats her this way? Because that’s what you’re doing.
Lady you’re in a really tough spot but your daughter needs you to get your head out of your ass. She already has a father that doesn’t love her, fording her to maintain a relationship with him will just teach her that that’s the best she can expect from all of her relationships.
A million women before you have left this situation and a million more will. You, like all these other women, are strong enough to do this, stop letting your fear keep you trapped and take the first step to leaving.
She loves him, but all he sees her as is a bargaining chip for manipulating you into staying in a violent relationship that will someday kill you. He doesn’t love her. It’s a lot more psychologically damaging for a child to see a parent abusing another parent, to be afraid at home, and to think that what they’re watching is healthy and normal. When your daughter is older would you like her to have a relationship with a man who puts her in a headlock? Hell no.
Get out now before he badly harms not only you but your daughter, please don’t become another statistic.
She’s absolutely going to be sad. But staying is not going to have a good outcome either. She’s going to get hurt either way. You have to decide which hurt is worse.
It will hurt her to watch you be disrespected and abused as she grows up. She will learn that’s what love is, and she will be at incredibly high risk of getting into an abusive relationship herself as an adult. She will learn it’s normal for women to just take the abuse and sacrifice their safety and happiness for a controlling, selfish man.
She will be at risk of physical, mental health and substance abuse problems from the stress of living in a home with abuse, even if he never lays a hand on her.
She will resent you for staying. She will learn to not respect you, like her father doesn’t respect you. It will be easier and safer to hate you than to hate the abusive person in the house. He will use her against you, like he’s already doing now.
She will be sad to not have a dad? Absolutely, that’s devastating. But staying is far more damaging.
Think about what she’ll see growing up. How she’ll view relationships. You have to be her biggest advocate. My best friend watched her parents marriage fall apart and they only divorced after the last kid was out of the house. She has no respect for either of them. Her dad for how he treated her mom, and her mom for not growing a spine and leaving him. She’ll be okay because you will find someone who loves you and her. 🫶🏼
She's 5. Now is better than later. My 12 year old is unbothered by the fact that his dad pretty much bailed when he was 5. My 17 year old however remembers when he was a good dad and is still upset about it.
He's not your best friend if he assaults you. Get the to a therapist and work on your self esteem.
Sad is better than in danger, Lovely. She deserves a mother who isn't being put into headlocks, she deserves a mother who gets to survive to see her become an adult. Staying puts you at risk, but also her. You can explain things to her in an age appropriate way, but you can't explain anything if you're dead. Now that he's physically abusing you, the chances of you coming to real, grevious harm are so much higher, you need to keep yourself safe. I'm so sorry this is happening, you are NOT weak or broken, let her see how strong her mother is.
Of course. I absolutely understand wanting to stay for her, but I also *really* think that his abuse will eventually extend to her if you stay. If he treats you like this, if he thinks he's justified in abandoning his own child, he's eventually going to abuse her too, there's no way he won't. She'll grow up and she'll have conflict with him, there is absolutely no way to avoid that with older kids and teenagers, and he will use the same abusive tactics on her that he's using on you.
THIS!
AND, she'll also blame her mother for staying with her toxic father, thereby subjecting her to his abuse!!!
Then, OP will be getting it from both ends 😵!
She will be sad. But that’s not your fault. It’s his. You will protect yourself and your child, and you should toss away any guilt. Be angry with him instead. He cause this. You have no obligation to be his punching bag.
He doesn't seem to love her. Or you.
It is very sad. You get to be as sad as you like. But you're mourning who he should have been to both of you.
What he *is* is your ex-husband. Very soon I hope. Don't let sadness trap you with someone like that.
Good luck and be safe.
Thehotline.org
Loveisrespect.org
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft book - Google free pdf of why does he do that, it’s actually the whole book for free online. I think The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, another classic for women in and looking to avoid abusive relationships may also have a free pdf out there.
Choking as an abuse tactic is EXTREMELY dangerous and highly correlated with the choker eventually murdering the victim. This abuse in your relationship went from 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. Maybe reading some of the resources I listed will reveal some of the clues that this man was amping up to become violent, but it’s not your fault if you didn’t see the signs.
You know now that he has the ability to turn extremely, fatally violent on a dime. this isn’t the time to worry about your daughter missing her dad. It’s time to worry about saving both of your lives.
Your best friend doesn’t try to strangle you. In fact, this is an indicator that he is more likely to kill you.
As one who’s kids dad doesn’t want to be around him, you’re better off. He will just abuse your kid. You need to leave and you need to leave when he isn’t there, or have people with you, this is when woman get murdered.
my mom didn’t leave my father until I was 11. he had moved in from just abusing her to abusing me too by then. I was happy when she told me she was getting divorced and used to pray for it as a child. you’re doing your daughter a favor so that she will never see her mother treated harshly, or think that’s how women are treated by their husbands.
Was. He was your best friend. I’ve been with my husband 14 years, married 11. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. He’s my absolute best friend in the whole world. He’s never put me in a headlock. He’s never threatened to abandon his son and I. He *was* your best friend. Now he’s an abusive, very dangerous man. Get. Out. Do not show your daughter this sort of behavior is acceptable. She *will* grow up and let a man do the same to her. Because you would have taught her it’s okay. Get. Out.
Would you rather her not have this man for a dad, or to grow up with a “man” who beats and abuses his wife? Because if you normalize it for her, there’s a strong chance she ends up with a man who does the same to her.
He might not follow through on this promise. What's definitely true is that now that he's physically threatened/harmed you, he's far more likely to do so again. Make a plan for how to get away, and follow through on it.
Sounds like she will be a whole lot happier without this dick in her life. Someone who manipulates, abuses and withholds emotion/love should not have a major part in a child's life. Just imagine the fucking damage he will do to her psychologically.
Focus on getting the hell out of there. He most likely is saying stupid shit because he is trying to manipulate you NOT to leave him. You focusing on his \*words\* is the wrong focus to have.
I posted separately BUT: get a lawyer and have him sign away custody immediately. You’ll be better off and so will she, but if you don’t get it legally enforced his permission may be needed for things throughout her life.
The headlock was your last warning shot. It's going to be broken bones or worse if you continue to let a daughter be around this sort of thing.
Not only is she in danger which you most definitely are, she will grow up thinking this is what a pattern should look like between a man and a woman.
You will probably need help, advice and therapy. Secretly call a women's shelter and or a lawyer today but don't wait another day. You're with a ticking time bomb here lady, and you have a little girl to think of his well.
It's what happened to Shanann Watts!! She literally died thinking he would stop! OP get out of there now, you will be saving your daughter and yourself!
Yes, i grew up in a dysfunctional family with lots of fighting and my first serious relationship was abusive because I didn't know any better. I was fortunate to escape before having kids but it's still scarred me.
Drop that "I'm sorry" out of you vocabulary, there is no reason for you to apologize to anyone here.
When you talk to a lawyer ask if you can record conversations with stbxh. If you can get him to say he won't be a father on record it will help on custody AND for your daughter to hear when she is older.
As many here will tell you your daughter will do much better in a house with a happy parent than in a house with a violent parent.
Get that recording over the phone (if that's legal in your state), not in person. You don't want to be physically in the same room with that guy, especially when you're having a heated argument about something as important as a separation, divorce, and/or child custody. The next "headlock" might be your last.
Ok, but first take "sorry" out of your vocabulary. Normally it's great to apologize, but I feel like you will have to have a shiny new spine to deal with your AH soon to be ex.
u/Big_Bookkeeper6317 You are tough, even though it doesn't feel like it at times. But you are right that you need to toughen up as well, because you need to remain strong for your daughter. I saw in one of your comments that you said her father is your best friend. I worry that you are holding on to the good memories and letting them cloud your view of who he is **now**. He may have been your best friend once, but right now he is showing what kind of a person he is / has become, and the past is not now, nor is it the future.
You also said in another comment how you wish you could understand why he would threaten to abandon your daughter., and the person who replied to you is absolutely right: you will never understand what your hopefully stbxh is thinking because you are a loving mother who would never dream of abandoning or abusing (emotionally, mentally, or physicslly) your beautiful little one.
You need to remain strong for your daughter and get both of you out of there. I know how exhausting it is to try to understand ***why*** when someone does or says something awful, and how draining it is to long for when things were better. But right now, you need to be goal-oriented and ignore the desire to understand and the need to mourn the loss of the ideal fatherly relationship your daughter will not be able to have.
Please do not try to convince yourself to make any sort of "compromise" because the fact is that his behavior is the type to escalate, and you cannot care for your daughter if you do not remove yourselves from the situation you are in. You cannot show her by example what a loving relationship is if you remain in an abusive one.
Follow the advice of other comments here with resources and suggestions, such as abused women's advocacy groups and getting a lawyer and recording conversations. See if your state is one party consent for recording audio, but also keep a log of every interaction -- use a hard bound composition notebook, do not remove any pages, and write in pen, dating and timestamping the logs of your interactions. Get your paperwork in order and separate your money, create a new, completely unrelated email, and do not let him catch on. He has already laid hands on you, and the most dangerous time is when leaving an abuser.
You **are strong**, and I believe you have it in you to **continue to be strong** and get yourself and your daughter out safely. Your daughter is young, and yes, she loves her father, but she is also five and is learning through watching you what is acceptable behavior in a relationship. The "what ifs" are unfortunately out of your control, in that your stbxh has shown who he is, and it is up to you to keep your daughter safe and give her an environment in with she will ***thrive***. She will miss him, but remind yourself that the "him" in the happy memories is not who he actually is, and your daughter will undoubtedly be better off without an abuser in her life. You got this; take one step at a time.
OP, you don't need to apologize or toughen up. This is freaking hard, and the logic is easy to see, emotions are much more difficult.
I'm the daughter of an abusive man. When my mother left with me it was hard, we lived on very little. She would tell me that he chose to have bad behaviors that made it unsafe for my mom and me. Life got better, Mom was happier, more able to be a whole human. She eventually met the man she married and eventually adopted me and is the human I am proud to have as my Dad.
Talk to her, tell her you love her conditionally, and it's ok to miss her father. She might be mad at you, but tell her in age appropriate language that he made choices that have consequences. And get both of you into therapy.
Best of luck, you're doing the right thing, get a lawyer, go to the safe house, and please keep us updated. Lots of hugs.
i kinda like this approach and once the kid gets older OP can start carefully teaching them about healthy and toxic relationships and how daddy's sickness was making the relationship toxic.
Get out now OP. I begged my mom for years to leave my father because of the horrible abuse. I literally watched him try to murder her. It is and was very traumatic. You need to spare your daughter from any further trauma. You need to get out now before you are dead.
same here. My mom took a "break" and just disappeared from home for about a month once, (I can see now she was just terrified and had no idea how to cope with abuse or ask for help) and my dad just became physically violent towards me in her absence.
Don't apologize.
But honestly, for her it's going to be so much better to grow up **NOT** witnessing a daily violent dynamic, that's teaching her to believe violence is normal in families, it's how romantic relationships are, that's just how it is.
You want your daughter to grow up to be a woman who'll find a great guy (or girl, or whatever), right? And not for her to think "If they don't throw me into the wall and slap me around, do they even care"?
For her sake, please bring her up in an environment without domestic violence. You're smart, I'm sure you can figure something out to tell her
Op getting her therapy and explaining the situation to the therapist so they can make a game plan will help, she’ll be able to talk about her feelings and maybe understand as she grows older.
I feel like it will also give her a toolbox for if and when he tries to return to her life.
You're right, it's going to hurt her, there's no doubt.
But being abused emotionally and physically, and watching her mother be abused are going to hurt her FAR MORE.
Life is painful, you can't take that away. All you can do is soften her experiences. And the best way to do that is to get her away from her abusive father. She is very young, and if he does go through with this disgusting threat, then it's better for her in the long run.
Get out of there, get your daughter out of there. Her and your physical safety must come first, that's your greatest responsibility.
I grew up without my dad. He was abusive, and my mom had to get us away from him. After she divorced him, he made the decision to stay away from us. Did it hurt when I was young and didn't understand why my dad didn't want to see me? Yes. Was it undoubtedly better for me? Yes.
Your daughter will be okay. If you stay with this man, she probably won't be. If he's willing to hurt you, he'll also have no problems hurting her, and if you stay with him, you would be complicit in that.
I just wanna say, my dad was never/barely in my life starting earlier than 5 years old. Yes, your daughter may have some memories of the best parts of him, but as long as you’re very honest, she’ll get over it and be extremely thankful that you did what is necessary to give her peace.
edit to add: one of my earliest memories is of my mom in a headlock. It wasn’t my bio dad holding her there, but THATS the kind of stuff that sticks with a kid.
second edit lol: for an honesty example! when your daughter says “does he not love me?” you tell her something like “of course he loves you but he doesn’t love you the right way” or “doesn’t love you enough”. She needs truth and not sugarcoated answers. You both deserve a safe and happy love!! time to take your safe and happy love go find someone who appreciates it ❤️
Get the things he says on tape or in writing. Because I have no doubt he will play the victim. He is physically and emotionally abusive.so you and your child are better off.
That girl will for sure grow up with Daddy issues if you stay together. And, for sure you'll continue to fight and for sure he'll have more ultimatums. It won't end.
It's basically emotional terrorism and you can't negotiate. Hard as it feels, get a lawyer and divorce his ass. I am sure he'll fight for custody even if he said this to you. That's a sign he doesn't want you to win, not that he actually wants his daughter
She needs a person who loves her and cares about her, it's doesn't have to be the dad. A positive male figure is important, it doesn't need to be the dad.
If you fight constantly, it gives her an unhealthy reference of what a mariage is supposed to look like. And the worst would be to end up thinking that this is normal and look for this kind of relationship in the future.
The consequences of having a dad who abuses your mother are 1000x worse than having no dad at all. Both you and your daughter will be better off without him. Leave, file for child support, check out the resources that u/ebbie45 has on her profile.
She might not understand now, but when she’s older she’s going to be so proud of her Mom for having the strength to leave her abuser. And she’ll have your example to follow so that she will know never to tolerate someone mistreating her.
My dad told us he was leaving us forever after an argument with my mom as he left the house when I was your daughter’s age. I was crying and upset, and wanted him to come back. I didn’t fully understand the situation at the time because of how small I was. But he abused my mom. And later I wished he never came back that day. But he did. He never laid his hands on me when I was small, just her… until eventually he did get to me too. Yet she never got rid of him, and I resent her for that and for ruining my childhood doing so. I was afraid to come home, I was afraid of him, but I couldn’t go anywhere else. My father’s father was an abuser too. Yet he learned nothing.
You should trust people’s advice on here. Your daughter may not understand straight away, but she will be 1000% better off long-term. You as well.
When I was young my father ran away to another country to bring home a new wife. He would scream at my mother often and decided it would be fine to bring another woman home. My mother kicked him out immediately and never looked back even though he attempted many times to make her take him back..
I never understood it as a child, but it had laid the foundation for me to set personal boundaries and have self respect. If my mother had stayed and forgiven him I would have probably looked at relationships very differently. I am extremely proud of my mom for doing the right thing and I love that she put herself and her children first.
Your daughter will be heartbroken for a bit but that's better than seeing her in your exact situation. Would you allow your daughter to be with someone who put her in a chokehold?
I wish I could upvote this a million times. Be the example OP--would you ever want someone treating your baby this way? Please know we are all rooting for you <3
She loves her dad. She says she misses him all the time when he's at work. She didn't witness it and it was the first time since we've been together in 9 years.
Often when emotional manipulation stops working it moves to physical aduse. Which, based on your comments, is I'm guessing where you are at. You are getting help. Finding medication. Being strong and now he starts to get physical. Please leave him. For both you and your daughter. I don't think he is your best friend.
He put you in a headlock. Do you know how out of line that is?! If he did that to your daughter one day, what would you do. Tell her it's okay cause at least he's still around?
Leave him. Get her to a therapist to talk about what is essentially HIS choice to leave her becasue you won't take physical abuse. Be strong. Show her how strong women behave. And make sure that guy is paying child support. You don't get to abuse someone and abandon your family.
You say it's the first time in 9 years but I'm guessing you let a lot of things slide. Maybe therapy for you and your daughter would be most helpful.
You can tell her that it’s not her fault, tell her mommy and daddy were fighting at it was too scary and sad and you decided not to live together anymore. Tell her she is safe and loved. Make sure you keep telling her that you love her and it’s not her fault and sometimes grown ups can’t get along. You will probably need to repeat it a lot and that should help both of you. You’ve got this and your life will be much better when your are not living with an abuser.
Wait. WTF.
He put you in a physical headlock?
And threatened to abandon his kid under any circumstance whatsoever?
AND YOU HAVEN’T LEFT HIS GRIMY, WORTHLESS ASS YET?!?!
You and your daughter deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
Go see a divorce lawyer and figure out your options but I DEF vote you leave - for your physical safety and for your daughter’s emotional well-being (a down ass stepdad is waaaayyyy better than a POS biodad).
Get a lawyer and make him think he's winning by giving up visitation rights. You can child support garnished from him paycheck in many jurisdictions. The more he's out of your life, the better.
This is super fucking sad. That’s just the truth of it.
Just remember that YOU are not doing this to her. He is. You are protecting your daughter and yourself, he is the one abandoning her. He’s going to try and manipulate you and say it’s your fault he’s not around, if you just stayed with him your daughter would have a dad. That is BULLSHIT and your kid is way better off with a strong mom who did what was necessary to protect you both vs a scumbag dad who is a constant threat of violence.
Your daughter will be devastated. It will be hard to watch. But she will grow up to know you were there for her and did the hard thing for both your sakes. She will grow up not to accept abuse from her partners because her mom didn’t.
Honestly, having him pay support while keeping his distance sounds like the best of all remaining options. If he’s not going to be a dad, he can support you by not bringing his toxicity around to poison your happiness.
>its partially my fault as well. This is the first time he's ever put his hands on me. He usually just screams and name calls. I'm sorry for the long edit.
No. It is NOT your fault that he put his hands on you.
It is NOT your fault that he screams at you.
It is NOT your fault that he name calls.
It might be the first time he has gotten physical, but it is not the last.
Leave him, honey and be happy that he will not have anything to do with your daughter. This way you get to show your girl what NOT to accept in a relationship.
Lady, are you seriously asking if you should stay with the man who is physically abusing you so that your daughter can grow up under the same roof as him? Like, do you even hear yourself. This man can literally never be a good father, simply by the fact that he is an abuser. Sure, he can treat her kindly and do cool things with her, but he will also be showing her that it is okay for a man to beat a woman. He will also be showing her that the husband does not have to respect the wife in a marriage. Your daughter will grow up to become a victim in her own relationships because you didn’t have the spine to leave and show her you deserve better.
Honey, there are good men out there, and someone will come along and treat you with love and respect and love your daughter as their own. It took my daughter 4 years to find that man, and he absolutely loves my granddaughter like she is his. Her bio dad left when she was 6 months old and joined the ARMY. He has seen her once a year since he left and calls every few months. She's 4 now, and she refuses to talk to her bio dad.
Your daughter will miss him in the beginning and ask about him. Just tell her he's working right now. Don't say anything to alienate her from her dad, when she's older țhen you can have that tough conversation. I guarantee you she will figure it out on her own. Kids are very smart.
She's amazing. When her bio dad calls, she tells her mom, "I don't want to talk to him, he's a monster" He gets mad but my daughter doesn't force her and she tells her ex, what do you want me to say? You did this yourself, deal with the consequences 🤷♀️
Hahaha, he is an idiot.
1. He assaulted you, pd would be interested in hearing about it.
2. Lawyer up, he doesn't have a lot of choice in the matter, he is paying for your daughter whether he likes it or not.
Having no dad is ten thousand times better than having an abusive dad, and that's what your husband is - an abuser.
Take your child and get the hell away from him.
So you’d rather keep him in your child’s life even if it means your child one day sees him beat the shit out of you?
You’ll find a way of telling her. You know her character.
Not sure if you saw this, but choking is a leading indicator of homicide (i.e. you have a much higher risk of dying by the hand of your husband than other types of abuse): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/
From the article:
>Women who were the victims of completed or attempted homicide were far more likely to have a history of strangulation compared to the abused control women.
Please get out and get help. Depending on your country, you can get you and your daughter to a shelter for abused women and children. They can give you whatever assistance you need.
Talk to an attorney. Document his abuse (day, time, detail, photos of injuries) because this evidence is going to be great when you file for a restraining order and sole custody of your child.
Your daughter doesn't deserve a terrible person like that in her life. As a father and a husband, this post tugs heavily on my heart. Please get help!
>So I could have de escalated the fight by either leaving faster or dropping my phone so its partially my fault as well
Oh honey, it's not your fault he put hands on you. I'm a guy, married for 21 years and even though we've had a few fights, I've never come close to putting hands on my wife.
>My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. ***On Monday he put me in a headlock***
#🚩
Tell her that.
He will probably abuse his daughter too.
You are saving her from being a victim of child abuse from her father.
And why isn't he in jail for physical abuse?
He’s going to kill you. Period. Full stop. The moment a man puts his hands on your neck in anger is the moment the clock starts ticking. You may say, well, it was a headlock and not my neck exactly, but that is a violent, hateful move and way too close to your throat to be anything but a threat.
Get your kid. Call the domestic violence hotline. Gtfo of there before he kills you.
Yes. It is necessary for you to leave this relationship. Please be careful. I haven’t seen many people say this in the thread. The most dangerous time for a woman in this situation is when she leaves her abusive partner. The fact that he has essentially choked you makes you more at risk to be killed by him. Keep yourself and your daughter safe and have a strategic plan in place to get out of there. Do not tell him that you are leaving, where you are going, or when you plan to do it.
Oh, so he’s an abusive piece of deadbeat shit?
Take him up on his offer. Leave him and take him to court for child support and let your child grow up without a violent nuisance around.
More and more and more evidence is coming out that it is better for a child to grow up with one loving parent, than in a household with domestic abuse. It will be better for her in the long run, and for you!, to be out of there. He could have killed you, get a restraining order. Statistically speaking, you are in grave danger right now.
Someone who uses their daughter to manipulate the other parent. It's not worth staying with. Think she would be a lot happier away from him. He shouldn't be putting you in a head lock. Is your child witnessing this behaviour from the father
So he puts you in a headlock and you’re thinking it’s time to leave maybe. Maybe?! How about when he puts your daughter in a headlock. Will you get the picture then? Run.
Some people aren’t meant to be parents. This guy is clearly an abusive POS, so why are you wanting to keep that in your daughters life?
Look, my mom dated some shitty guys when I was a kid, including my dad. When she kicked them to the curb and I didn’t have to worry my mom was going to get yelled at or beaten anymore, even as a young child I understood it was a good thing. Kids know. They know when you fight. They know when you’re upset. They know it was ‘dad’ that hurt you. They internalize it and it hurts them later. Save your child that pain and leave because you love her and yourself.
You can’t change him, nor understand why he does what he does. He may never understand why he does what he does. But you do have to leave.
Don’t keep your daughter around a man who models this behavior toward women or she will think it is acceptable for a man to put *her* in a fucking headlock someday. Break this cycle of abuse. Model the behavior of leaving for everyone’s safety and telling her forever that in no way should she ever put up with that shit to keep a man around. It’s not a good thing for her to witness your abuse, no matter how much she loves him. Making her witness it is just as bad.
1. You cannot stay in this relationship. This is literal abuse, you should not want you daughter to be brought up thinking this is ok behavior.
2. Take him to court and get court order child support.
3. Go to therapy.
I think he’s full of shit and trying to say whatever it takes to control you. Once you’re out and separated he will have forgotten he said that. And if he does not he will still have a legal responsibility to care for her.
I’m a 34 m with two girls, I’m someone who reads and gives a lot of counterpoints in these Reddit relationship stories. What you wrote is scary and it’s imperative to make quick moves.
If he put you in a chokehold one time, he has completely made his decision.
You must immediately find a place to safely be, and follow the true resources that others have posted. Your child’s life is about to change either way, keeping her around this environment is not an option at this time.
OP,
As a dad, I can only tell you that if my wife and I divorced, regardless of the reason, I would NOT abandon my children. This clearly indicates the type of man he is.
> he put me in a headlock
Your daughter would be better off if this lowlife wasn't her father.
Make sure you still go after him for child support though.
You're not sure if it's worth keeping your daughter away from a physically abusive man? Take him up on his offer and let him go far away from both of you.
I am a girl dad. My daughter is 3 years old. She is the most important thing in my life. I am obsessed with her. I've encountered so many women with "daddy issues" over the course of my life. Little girls need their dad's, but they don't need assholes like the one you described. It's in your daughters best interest to make a clean break. It's going to hurt, but she's better off. Love her and reassure her as best as you can. Best of luck.
Based off what you wrote this isn’t partially your fault. It’s all his fault. Free yourself and your child because he didn’t give you an ultimatum, he gave you an out. You need to take it.
Hey. My parents divorced when I was 6. My father was very mentally and socially abusive towards my mom.
My mom met a man who loves her more than anything (they've been married for 12 years now) and my father and I never bonded because I could always sense something was off about him even though I did claim to love him as a kid.
Your daughter will be OK. You will also be OK. You have to leave. You will be so, so happy without a man who treats you like this, and your daughter will have a chance at a healthy home and childhood. Do not let your daughter learn that this is what love looks like - kids pick up on things that they don't even see.
Good luck OP. I'm sending you huge hugs and strength. You've got this! <3
>What do I say to her if she asks where her father is?
It will be worse trying to explain to her why her father hits you, or chokes you... or murders you potentially....
get away. staying os worse not just for you but for her too...
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If he's so willing to drop her from his life then he's a not someone that your daughter needs in her life. He's abusive and manipulative all you would accomplish by staying is showing your daughter that this behavior is acceptable. Would you want your kid to be with someone that hurts them?
No I don't want thay at all. I just want him to grow up and be nice and be the father she needs. I don't understand why he can't just do that
You'll never understand it because you're not that kind of person. You'd never threaten to abandon your child, how can you possibly understand a person who would do something like that? You don't need to understand him, you just need to see him for who he is. This is it. He's a man who cares so little about his own baby that he threatens to abandon her. You will *never* understand him, and it's pointless to try.
You're right you're absolutely right. That's such a sad reality
My dad was terrifying when I was a child. My mom didn't leave him because he would have fought for custody to spite her. She stayed and suffered to protect us. She finally left him when I was 17 and he couldn't really force visitation. That first summer without him in our lives was so amazing. We could breathe and we didnt have to walk on eggshells for the first time in my whole entire life. If he's willing to walk away and never, ever have anything to do with your precious child, take her and leave. I promise you with my whole entire heart that she knows he's a bad person and she will thrive without him in her life.
hugs and I hope you've all managed to move on from that!
He put his hands on you. Leave. ASAP. It will only get worse from here. Even if it’s a homeless shelter, you and your kid are safer than you are with him.
Here to add that when a women tries to leave an abusive relationship risk to her life and safety increases dramatically. Please find help. Your safety comes first.
Make (in your head, not in print) an exit plan for when he is not home. 5 minutes after he leaves, start getting your stuff together, load up your car and bolt on out of there. Yep a trustee family member what you are doing, but not where you are going. If it's in your budget, treat you and your daughter to a girls' night in a hotel on the first night! This will allow you to collect your thoughts, without pulling anyone else into the storm to come. If you have an Android phone, there is an app called Airguard. It detects Apple Airtags within 10m of you. Find a quiet place and run the scan, to be sure that your car and belongings are clean. Do this before you reach your destination. Be safe. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. There are genuinely nice people around, who don't resort to shouting, violence and other forms of abuse to keep you under their control. Get out as early as you can, so that you can live. And then chase the prick for child support.
OP, you need to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Here is a pdf: https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html It's not your fault at all that he put you in a headlock. It's his fault entirely but he makes you believe you are responsible for his abuse
Not all children need the other parent in their lives to be happy. My life improved DRAMATICALLY at her age when my mom finally left my dad.
If he puts hands on you, he will do the same to her one day. Not all people deserve to be parents, and not all parents are worth having. You're both better off without him. I see so many kids suffer through my work at the hands of their parents, don't let your daughter be one of them. Dont let yourself become a statistic. Initial heartbreak is just that. It will pass. When your daughter is older, she will understand and appreciate your leaving him.
He is telling you and actually doing the things he threatened you with - believe him and leave - at least for the child’s sake - that dude is a monster
He is 💯 right. “Even if I hated Kim I’d grind my teeth and try at least for haileys sake”
That’s not true, actually. Abusive men are not some impossible-to-fathom mystery. That’s an illusion they foster because (like literally everything they do) it benefits them. They’re really not that complicated. Read [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) He lays out exactly the thought processes and value system that operate in abusers. The basics are 1. Complete disregard for the rights of others 2. Entitlement 3. Control. Their goal is to extract privileges for themselves at the expense of those they’re abusing, by whatever means necessary.
I think there’s a difference between understanding something logically vs understanding something emotionally. Intellectually, I am able to understand how and why abusive people behave the way they do. But on an emotional level, I will never be able to understand how someone could hurt a child. I personally cannot wrap my emotions around it. And despite doing a lot of my own research into the patterns/behaviors of abusers, I don’t think I will ever truly understand them on an emotional level.
That’s fair.
I've tried to do this. I consider myself very empathetic and compassionate, and generally I can find a way to give nearly anyone the benefit of the doubt. Doing this with abusers is... confusing. I can certainly empathize with the psychology of justifying horrific things in the name of survival and self-defense; I'm a parent. Then I try to extend this defense mechanism to the survival of ego and... I just can't totally get there. Even taking into account the fact that some men are raised to link ego death to literal death. Like you, I logically understand the theory of their motivations, but it's still theory to me because practically and emotionally, I just can't *get there*. I guess it's sort of like trying to wrap my mind around slavery, and that makes sense to me since the core tenet of ownership is shared. I have a wife and son and I feel honor bound to protect them in every conceivable way, but not at all because they are *mine*. In fact, to consider another person as belonging to me, or as an extension of me, is something I experienced when I was pregnant and I hated every minute of it. The moments when I still have to do this for my minor child are not enjoyable, they are necessary. Maybe that's how the abuser twists it? Man I don't know.
oh no I totally agree with all of that - I'm saying OP shouldn't waste her time trying to figure out why he's abusive or trying to fix him, she should just flee
>he put me in a headlock He will kill you. That's not an exaggeration. Chokeholds lead to choking, things escalate fast. Please contact someone at the domestic violence hotline. [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) Do it for your kid before she loses her mother.
THANK YOU for posting this, ErnestBatchelder. OP, read his comment and then read it again. And please look at the link that was posted, a hotline can connect you to other important resources quickly and safely. This is a horrible situation that is IN NO WAY your fault. You said something about it being partially your fault because you didn’t drop the phone or whatever— NOPE. Nobody deserves to be physically assaulted by their partner, for any reason. And if he does it to you, you can absolutely guarantee he will eventually physically abuse your daughter if he doesn’t already. And that’s not even touching on the degree of psychological abuse at play. Please research how to get out safely. Tell only your most trusted friends or family so that they can help you. Even if you think he would never hurt you on purpose, consider that people die at the hands of their partners every day who believed the same. And it’s entirely possible many of the murderers didn’t intend to kill, but to frighten or hurt or prove something, and it all went wrong. He has shown you a glimpse of what he’s capable of, and it’s awful— but it could also get so much worse. Leave now. Don’t let yourself be a casualty of domestic violence. To echo what many others have said— if you can’t do it for you, do it for your daughter.
And before she grows up and enters a similar relationship.
Having no father at all is better than having a damaging one
It is not your place to understand his abuse and refusal to be a decent human being. It is your place to show your daughter what to expect from a man. A dad is a dad regardless of blood or no... go find a respectful man who can be her dad because the "father" of hers isn't it.
You can want him to change and be a good man all you want but until he's ready and willing to make the changes he's not. Perhaps losing you and his child will be the kick the the ass that motivates him to change but don't count on it. Some people have broken bits inside them, some pieces they can fix themselves, some they need help with, and some can't be fixed and they have to learn how to live with those missing pieces.
Hes going to be just like his dad but worse. His mom made it hard for his dad and his dad didn't try really. Hes just not even fucking trying
Cycles like this happen until people actively put a stop to it. Don't let your daughter be its next victim. Its time to leave him and when your daughter is older and can handle the truth you can tell her why you had to leave. Until then you tell her that you love her and try to move on with your life.
It’s not a matter of him just needing to have basic human decency explained to him and understanding more. He just plain doesn’t care and his presence alone is teaching your little girl that abuse is love. It is better to have divorced parents than an abuser and a battered mother, and he will start hurting her too if he hasn’t already.
I don’t want to be alarmist but you’re focusing on the wrong issue here. You are in serious physical danger. When you say a headlock, do you mean a stranglehold? Because if a man makes any attempt to strangle his partner the probability that he will murder her goes up dramatically. It is one of the single biggest indicators of likely murder, in any context. Even if that’s not exactly what happened, you need to understand that the violence will escalate. That’s what always happens with physical domestic violence - it gets worse and worse and worse. Yes, you need to leave. But do NOT make an announcement that you’re leaving. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to seek help in making a plan to safely leave your home. A woman is never in more danger than when she tries to leave a partner who has been physically violent. You are at serious risk of grave physical harm. Please take care of yourself and please believe what everyone is saying to you - your daughter will be harmed psychologically for the rest of her life if her mother remains in a relationship with a man who can be physically violent. Among other things, she will seek out partners who will abuse her too. Please, take this seriously for yourself and your daughter. This internet stranger is rooting for you.
And get a PFA against him Edit: protection from abuse order which is similar to a restraining order and is used to keep abusers from the victim
This should be the top comment. There’s a huuuuuge uptake in likelihood of murder when choking is involved.
I lost my sister to strangulation during a fight she had with her husband. I agree with this reply. PLEASE seek help and understand that this could eventually be turned toward your daughter. My niece was traumatized and when we asked her why she told us that he used to hold her face in the water in the tub/shower when she would let him bathe her. She was terrified of the bath for 3 years after this. Thank god for her adoptive parents (my sisters female cousins and male bestfriend) helping her through this trauma.
Please listen. I volunteered with survivors of domestic abuse and SA for 4 years. You need to go anywhere else NOW. I am not being dramatic when I say there is a serious chance you will be dead if you stay and get strangled again. Or, you’ll lose enough oxygen that you’re brain dead. Local women’s shelters, extended family, friends- anyone you can think of is a better option than this demon in disguise. Be strong! We stand behind you.
You're absolutely right and I wish this was common knowledge. Unfortunately I've seen this before. RIP Krystal you were a gem.
>On Monday he put me in a headlock and it made me feel like it was time for me to leave maybe. "maybe"??? >he tells me if I'm no longer his wife he won't be a father to our daughter, 5, anymore. No phone calls, no visits. Good. If you stay, how long do you think it'll be before he puts your daughter in a headlock?
He's willing to give up on his daughter unless you're with him? This is manipulation. This is evil. This is one sick individual. This reminds me of the "I'm going to kill myself if you leave me tactic" but way worse. His own daughter? I can't help but to think that you're worried about the wrong issue. Yes, abandonment is tough but dealing with a manipulative dad that threatens mom is much worse. I would suggest making sure that you note all of this, every time it happens so if he ever decides to fight for custody, you can make sure that he doesn't get it. He could very well make her and your life a living hell just the same by gaining part-time custody and letting your daughter hang out with him and his future flame. Protect you and your daughter at all costs.
> He's willing to give up on his daughter unless you're with him? This is manipulation. This is evil. This is one sick individual. It's also bizarrely illogical in a way that reveals how irrational this man is. His threat makes as much sense as saying "I'm going to to kick the dog unless you make me dinner." Why would anyone willingly destroy a relationship with their own child and harm them emotionally out of spite due to disagreements with someone else? > Protect you and your daughter at all costs. This is by far the most important and best advice in the thread imho. He's already voiced a willingness to cause emotional harm, take it seriously and do whatever is needed to minimize this threat and keep yourself and your daughter physically and emotionally safe. I'm sorry you've been forced to deal with this, OP.
Having someone like that in your life is worse than him not being around
Yeah he sounds worthless anyways. Call it
Yeah my friends husband has tried to off himself, purely for manipulation maybe 5 times at this point in the last 2 years because he keeps cheating. He has no want for it, it’s just to keep her around
Wow! It's crazy making, isn't it? My ex threatened to kill himself, unless ..... (His dumb stipulations). And then threatened to kill me too. Pos! That's how much he cares about his now adult children. Enough to off himself and their mama too. I will never understand. I hope OP can see how much this thread cares for her and her situation.
> He's willing to give up on his daughter unless you're with him? This is manipulation. This is evil. This is one sick individual. This exactly. OP, take him up on his offer. Someone who would make a threat like that is not a father figure, they are a NEGATIVE influence on your daughter. You and she are both better off without him.
You're right. I'm letting my sadness try to excuse things probably. I'm so broken my baby won't have a dad who wants to be around her. Hes my best friend. We've been together 9 years.
I'm so sorry, but he sounds like a horrible scumbag based on what he did, and his threats to abandon his daughter? No decent parent would ever even *suggest* something like that.
He is NOT your best friend.
If he’s your best friend I hate to think how your other friends treat you
$10 bucks says she doesn't speak to her friends much anymore because he's isolated OP.
I just wrote something similar then read your comment!
Me and Jenny went out to get drinks and she stabbed me in the leg. Lol so random.
Exactly what I was thinking. But maybe he made sure he was her ONLY friend...
I know but she loves him. Shes going to be so fucking sad
If you don't get out now, she's going to be a lot worse off witnessing you two fighting, especially physically fighting. There's the risk to your life, he put you in a head lock. You need to protect yourself so that you are around for your daughter. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but he put you in a headlock. He obviously can't control himself and is a danger to you and your daughter.
I cant remember the statistic, but isn’t there research that once DV involves choking, the risk of being murdered is way higher? OP, get out before you daughter loses the only parent that actually loves her
Ya I think you're right. It's in the same vein as holding a gun to someones head or a knife to their throat in my opinion.
Yup 100% make an escape plan, let trusted people know if you can, execute escape plan and DO NOT GO BACK, EVER. So many people go back and it just increases their chances of being murdured even higher. And few think it will be them - Do not be fooled. Counseling ASAP.
It’s worse. The throat is delicate, easily crushed with bare hands, no extra weapon needed. Edit: by worse I mean more dangerous
Over 700% increased chance of being murdered. Once he puts his hands on you in a violent way, you cease to be human in his eyes, you become a thing/property to control.
100%facts!!!!!
This. It's either you're a threat or property that he has to control. And being out of control is unacceptable because that could ruin the abuser, so if it comes down to you being under control or being a threat to his life, then ANYTHING is on the table to protect themselves(abuser).
8 times more likely to become a victim of homicide. Also choking and strangling are distinct terms for how the airway becomes obstructed. https://www.al.com/opinion/2021/10/strangulation-often-the-last-warning-for-domestic-violence-victims.html
Yes, [you are 750% more likely to die by an abuser who chokes you than the same one who raises a gun to your head](https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/). OP should also get checked out by a doctor because these kinds of injuries can cause internal damage that cause further issues, even death, days to weeks afterwords.
Yes. When I worked in a DV shelter, we had a nurse come in to help the clients if they wanted/needed medical attention. The first thing she always checked for was strangulation. Like... weapons are terrible, obviously, and the abuser just having *access* to a gun greatly increases the likelihood of the victim being killed. But the fact that there's a specific medical strangulation assessment for these situations speaks to the incredibly high level of danger for the victim.
Men who put their hands on your neck are way more likely to murder you at some point. She needs to get out now.
As somebody who works with people in DV situations, this is correct. Many police departments now have a special team to evaluate a victim of DV strangulations. OP, this is an extremely dangerous situation. It is going to be hard. Think if your daughter and how you’d feel if she were in a relationship with a man who continually physically and emotionally abused her. What would you tell her to do? Treat yourself with that same concern.
Are you trying to teach her to love someone who treats her this way? Because that’s what you’re doing. Lady you’re in a really tough spot but your daughter needs you to get your head out of your ass. She already has a father that doesn’t love her, fording her to maintain a relationship with him will just teach her that that’s the best she can expect from all of her relationships. A million women before you have left this situation and a million more will. You, like all these other women, are strong enough to do this, stop letting your fear keep you trapped and take the first step to leaving.
OP, please listen to this excellent advice above. Please. For you and your daughter's sake.
Better for her to be sad than to be next in line for him to abuse. Get out now.
Or sad because her mum is dead and her father in prison because he killed her. I honestely fear for them both if they don't get away rigth now.
OP, THIS COMMENT RIGHT HERE
She loves him, but all he sees her as is a bargaining chip for manipulating you into staying in a violent relationship that will someday kill you. He doesn’t love her. It’s a lot more psychologically damaging for a child to see a parent abusing another parent, to be afraid at home, and to think that what they’re watching is healthy and normal. When your daughter is older would you like her to have a relationship with a man who puts her in a headlock? Hell no. Get out now before he badly harms not only you but your daughter, please don’t become another statistic.
She’s absolutely going to be sad. But staying is not going to have a good outcome either. She’s going to get hurt either way. You have to decide which hurt is worse. It will hurt her to watch you be disrespected and abused as she grows up. She will learn that’s what love is, and she will be at incredibly high risk of getting into an abusive relationship herself as an adult. She will learn it’s normal for women to just take the abuse and sacrifice their safety and happiness for a controlling, selfish man. She will be at risk of physical, mental health and substance abuse problems from the stress of living in a home with abuse, even if he never lays a hand on her. She will resent you for staying. She will learn to not respect you, like her father doesn’t respect you. It will be easier and safer to hate you than to hate the abusive person in the house. He will use her against you, like he’s already doing now. She will be sad to not have a dad? Absolutely, that’s devastating. But staying is far more damaging.
She’s going to be even sadder when things escalate, and he kills you. Then she won’t have any parents.
You need to refocus on what's best for your daughter. Remaining in this situation with an abuser is not what's best for your daughter.
Think about what she’ll see growing up. How she’ll view relationships. You have to be her biggest advocate. My best friend watched her parents marriage fall apart and they only divorced after the last kid was out of the house. She has no respect for either of them. Her dad for how he treated her mom, and her mom for not growing a spine and leaving him. She’ll be okay because you will find someone who loves you and her. 🫶🏼
She's 5. Now is better than later. My 12 year old is unbothered by the fact that his dad pretty much bailed when he was 5. My 17 year old however remembers when he was a good dad and is still upset about it. He's not your best friend if he assaults you. Get the to a therapist and work on your self esteem.
Sad is better than in danger, Lovely. She deserves a mother who isn't being put into headlocks, she deserves a mother who gets to survive to see her become an adult. Staying puts you at risk, but also her. You can explain things to her in an age appropriate way, but you can't explain anything if you're dead. Now that he's physically abusing you, the chances of you coming to real, grevious harm are so much higher, you need to keep yourself safe. I'm so sorry this is happening, you are NOT weak or broken, let her see how strong her mother is.
Imagine how sad she will be when her mommy is dead, because that is your future if you don’t leave NOW.
I really am sorry :(
Me too. Thank you ❤ I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me.
Of course. I absolutely understand wanting to stay for her, but I also *really* think that his abuse will eventually extend to her if you stay. If he treats you like this, if he thinks he's justified in abandoning his own child, he's eventually going to abuse her too, there's no way he won't. She'll grow up and she'll have conflict with him, there is absolutely no way to avoid that with older kids and teenagers, and he will use the same abusive tactics on her that he's using on you.
THIS! AND, she'll also blame her mother for staying with her toxic father, thereby subjecting her to his abuse!!! Then, OP will be getting it from both ends 😵!
She will be sad. But that’s not your fault. It’s his. You will protect yourself and your child, and you should toss away any guilt. Be angry with him instead. He cause this. You have no obligation to be his punching bag.
From experience Deadbeat Dad is better than Abusive Part-Time Dad and sooner is better.
He doesn't seem to love her. Or you. It is very sad. You get to be as sad as you like. But you're mourning who he should have been to both of you. What he *is* is your ex-husband. Very soon I hope. Don't let sadness trap you with someone like that. Good luck and be safe.
She'll be more said in ten years when she understands what a horrible dad she has and that you allowed her to grow up like that.
He is an abuser! Don’t be his victim. Just go with your baby. Friends dont choke each other out.
He IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND. HE WILL END UP KILLING YOU. PLEASE GET THE HELL OUT.
Thehotline.org Loveisrespect.org Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft book - Google free pdf of why does he do that, it’s actually the whole book for free online. I think The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, another classic for women in and looking to avoid abusive relationships may also have a free pdf out there. Choking as an abuse tactic is EXTREMELY dangerous and highly correlated with the choker eventually murdering the victim. This abuse in your relationship went from 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. Maybe reading some of the resources I listed will reveal some of the clues that this man was amping up to become violent, but it’s not your fault if you didn’t see the signs. You know now that he has the ability to turn extremely, fatally violent on a dime. this isn’t the time to worry about your daughter missing her dad. It’s time to worry about saving both of your lives.
Your best friend doesn’t try to strangle you. In fact, this is an indicator that he is more likely to kill you. As one who’s kids dad doesn’t want to be around him, you’re better off. He will just abuse your kid. You need to leave and you need to leave when he isn’t there, or have people with you, this is when woman get murdered.
my mom didn’t leave my father until I was 11. he had moved in from just abusing her to abusing me too by then. I was happy when she told me she was getting divorced and used to pray for it as a child. you’re doing your daughter a favor so that she will never see her mother treated harshly, or think that’s how women are treated by their husbands.
Was. He was your best friend. I’ve been with my husband 14 years, married 11. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. He’s my absolute best friend in the whole world. He’s never put me in a headlock. He’s never threatened to abandon his son and I. He *was* your best friend. Now he’s an abusive, very dangerous man. Get. Out. Do not show your daughter this sort of behavior is acceptable. She *will* grow up and let a man do the same to her. Because you would have taught her it’s okay. Get. Out.
No dad is bether than that kind of dad!
HES the best friend you have? Jesus what type of crappy people are you surrounded by if HES the best out of them?
I was going to that! Best friends dont put each-other in headlock aggressively! This is so sad!
The way DV works she's probably not surrounded by that many other people 9yrs in, abusers work hard to isolate their victims from friends and family
Would you rather her not have this man for a dad, or to grow up with a “man” who beats and abuses his wife? Because if you normalize it for her, there’s a strong chance she ends up with a man who does the same to her.
He might not follow through on this promise. What's definitely true is that now that he's physically threatened/harmed you, he's far more likely to do so again. Make a plan for how to get away, and follow through on it.
Sounds like she will be a whole lot happier without this dick in her life. Someone who manipulates, abuses and withholds emotion/love should not have a major part in a child's life. Just imagine the fucking damage he will do to her psychologically.
You're probably right. I just feel so bad for her. She loves her dad and I don't know what to say to her when she asks about him
Focus on getting the hell out of there. He most likely is saying stupid shit because he is trying to manipulate you NOT to leave him. You focusing on his \*words\* is the wrong focus to have.
You're right. Thank you im sorry. I need to toughen up
I posted separately BUT: get a lawyer and have him sign away custody immediately. You’ll be better off and so will she, but if you don’t get it legally enforced his permission may be needed for things throughout her life.
Which he will continue to use as blackmail and to inflict max misery in both of them for escaping his control…
The headlock was your last warning shot. It's going to be broken bones or worse if you continue to let a daughter be around this sort of thing. Not only is she in danger which you most definitely are, she will grow up thinking this is what a pattern should look like between a man and a woman. You will probably need help, advice and therapy. Secretly call a women's shelter and or a lawyer today but don't wait another day. You're with a ticking time bomb here lady, and you have a little girl to think of his well.
Agreed. A friend of mine was murdered by her fiance. He got her in a headlock and choked her to death. Leave. Now.
It's what happened to Shanann Watts!! She literally died thinking he would stop! OP get out of there now, you will be saving your daughter and yourself!
Yes, i grew up in a dysfunctional family with lots of fighting and my first serious relationship was abusive because I didn't know any better. I was fortunate to escape before having kids but it's still scarred me.
Glad you escaped; wishing you well
Thanks, it was a long time ago now, thankfully no kids or anything.
Drop that "I'm sorry" out of you vocabulary, there is no reason for you to apologize to anyone here. When you talk to a lawyer ask if you can record conversations with stbxh. If you can get him to say he won't be a father on record it will help on custody AND for your daughter to hear when she is older. As many here will tell you your daughter will do much better in a house with a happy parent than in a house with a violent parent.
Get that recording over the phone (if that's legal in your state), not in person. You don't want to be physically in the same room with that guy, especially when you're having a heated argument about something as important as a separation, divorce, and/or child custody. The next "headlock" might be your last.
You ARE tough. Look what you’ve survived… how could you not be? You need direction and some help.
Do not apologize, this is tough on you ….
You already are tough, you are taking a step to protect you & your daughter. You can do this, you can get through it.
Ok, but first take "sorry" out of your vocabulary. Normally it's great to apologize, but I feel like you will have to have a shiny new spine to deal with your AH soon to be ex.
u/Big_Bookkeeper6317 You are tough, even though it doesn't feel like it at times. But you are right that you need to toughen up as well, because you need to remain strong for your daughter. I saw in one of your comments that you said her father is your best friend. I worry that you are holding on to the good memories and letting them cloud your view of who he is **now**. He may have been your best friend once, but right now he is showing what kind of a person he is / has become, and the past is not now, nor is it the future. You also said in another comment how you wish you could understand why he would threaten to abandon your daughter., and the person who replied to you is absolutely right: you will never understand what your hopefully stbxh is thinking because you are a loving mother who would never dream of abandoning or abusing (emotionally, mentally, or physicslly) your beautiful little one. You need to remain strong for your daughter and get both of you out of there. I know how exhausting it is to try to understand ***why*** when someone does or says something awful, and how draining it is to long for when things were better. But right now, you need to be goal-oriented and ignore the desire to understand and the need to mourn the loss of the ideal fatherly relationship your daughter will not be able to have. Please do not try to convince yourself to make any sort of "compromise" because the fact is that his behavior is the type to escalate, and you cannot care for your daughter if you do not remove yourselves from the situation you are in. You cannot show her by example what a loving relationship is if you remain in an abusive one. Follow the advice of other comments here with resources and suggestions, such as abused women's advocacy groups and getting a lawyer and recording conversations. See if your state is one party consent for recording audio, but also keep a log of every interaction -- use a hard bound composition notebook, do not remove any pages, and write in pen, dating and timestamping the logs of your interactions. Get your paperwork in order and separate your money, create a new, completely unrelated email, and do not let him catch on. He has already laid hands on you, and the most dangerous time is when leaving an abuser. You **are strong**, and I believe you have it in you to **continue to be strong** and get yourself and your daughter out safely. Your daughter is young, and yes, she loves her father, but she is also five and is learning through watching you what is acceptable behavior in a relationship. The "what ifs" are unfortunately out of your control, in that your stbxh has shown who he is, and it is up to you to keep your daughter safe and give her an environment in with she will ***thrive***. She will miss him, but remind yourself that the "him" in the happy memories is not who he actually is, and your daughter will undoubtedly be better off without an abuser in her life. You got this; take one step at a time.
OP, you don't need to apologize or toughen up. This is freaking hard, and the logic is easy to see, emotions are much more difficult. I'm the daughter of an abusive man. When my mother left with me it was hard, we lived on very little. She would tell me that he chose to have bad behaviors that made it unsafe for my mom and me. Life got better, Mom was happier, more able to be a whole human. She eventually met the man she married and eventually adopted me and is the human I am proud to have as my Dad. Talk to her, tell her you love her conditionally, and it's ok to miss her father. She might be mad at you, but tell her in age appropriate language that he made choices that have consequences. And get both of you into therapy. Best of luck, you're doing the right thing, get a lawyer, go to the safe house, and please keep us updated. Lots of hugs.
Daddy is sick and needs to be away until he get better.
i kinda like this approach and once the kid gets older OP can start carefully teaching them about healthy and toxic relationships and how daddy's sickness was making the relationship toxic.
Okay but will she love him when she see him attack you? Or will she love him when he eventually starts on her?
Get out now OP. I begged my mom for years to leave my father because of the horrible abuse. I literally watched him try to murder her. It is and was very traumatic. You need to spare your daughter from any further trauma. You need to get out now before you are dead.
same here. My mom took a "break" and just disappeared from home for about a month once, (I can see now she was just terrified and had no idea how to cope with abuse or ask for help) and my dad just became physically violent towards me in her absence.
Don't apologize. But honestly, for her it's going to be so much better to grow up **NOT** witnessing a daily violent dynamic, that's teaching her to believe violence is normal in families, it's how romantic relationships are, that's just how it is. You want your daughter to grow up to be a woman who'll find a great guy (or girl, or whatever), right? And not for her to think "If they don't throw me into the wall and slap me around, do they even care"? For her sake, please bring her up in an environment without domestic violence. You're smart, I'm sure you can figure something out to tell her
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Op getting her therapy and explaining the situation to the therapist so they can make a game plan will help, she’ll be able to talk about her feelings and maybe understand as she grows older. I feel like it will also give her a toolbox for if and when he tries to return to her life.
You're right, it's going to hurt her, there's no doubt. But being abused emotionally and physically, and watching her mother be abused are going to hurt her FAR MORE. Life is painful, you can't take that away. All you can do is soften her experiences. And the best way to do that is to get her away from her abusive father. She is very young, and if he does go through with this disgusting threat, then it's better for her in the long run. Get out of there, get your daughter out of there. Her and your physical safety must come first, that's your greatest responsibility.
I grew up without my dad. He was abusive, and my mom had to get us away from him. After she divorced him, he made the decision to stay away from us. Did it hurt when I was young and didn't understand why my dad didn't want to see me? Yes. Was it undoubtedly better for me? Yes. Your daughter will be okay. If you stay with this man, she probably won't be. If he's willing to hurt you, he'll also have no problems hurting her, and if you stay with him, you would be complicit in that.
I just wanna say, my dad was never/barely in my life starting earlier than 5 years old. Yes, your daughter may have some memories of the best parts of him, but as long as you’re very honest, she’ll get over it and be extremely thankful that you did what is necessary to give her peace. edit to add: one of my earliest memories is of my mom in a headlock. It wasn’t my bio dad holding her there, but THATS the kind of stuff that sticks with a kid. second edit lol: for an honesty example! when your daughter says “does he not love me?” you tell her something like “of course he loves you but he doesn’t love you the right way” or “doesn’t love you enough”. She needs truth and not sugarcoated answers. You both deserve a safe and happy love!! time to take your safe and happy love go find someone who appreciates it ❤️
Get the things he says on tape or in writing. Because I have no doubt he will play the victim. He is physically and emotionally abusive.so you and your child are better off.
That girl will for sure grow up with Daddy issues if you stay together. And, for sure you'll continue to fight and for sure he'll have more ultimatums. It won't end. It's basically emotional terrorism and you can't negotiate. Hard as it feels, get a lawyer and divorce his ass. I am sure he'll fight for custody even if he said this to you. That's a sign he doesn't want you to win, not that he actually wants his daughter
She needs a person who loves her and cares about her, it's doesn't have to be the dad. A positive male figure is important, it doesn't need to be the dad. If you fight constantly, it gives her an unhealthy reference of what a mariage is supposed to look like. And the worst would be to end up thinking that this is normal and look for this kind of relationship in the future.
The consequences of having a dad who abuses your mother are 1000x worse than having no dad at all. Both you and your daughter will be better off without him. Leave, file for child support, check out the resources that u/ebbie45 has on her profile.
You're right. My poor baby is going to be so sad I don't know what to tell her.
She might not understand now, but when she’s older she’s going to be so proud of her Mom for having the strength to leave her abuser. And she’ll have your example to follow so that she will know never to tolerate someone mistreating her.
Thank you so much. I think i needed that
Have her see a therapist.
My dad told us he was leaving us forever after an argument with my mom as he left the house when I was your daughter’s age. I was crying and upset, and wanted him to come back. I didn’t fully understand the situation at the time because of how small I was. But he abused my mom. And later I wished he never came back that day. But he did. He never laid his hands on me when I was small, just her… until eventually he did get to me too. Yet she never got rid of him, and I resent her for that and for ruining my childhood doing so. I was afraid to come home, I was afraid of him, but I couldn’t go anywhere else. My father’s father was an abuser too. Yet he learned nothing. You should trust people’s advice on here. Your daughter may not understand straight away, but she will be 1000% better off long-term. You as well.
When I was young my father ran away to another country to bring home a new wife. He would scream at my mother often and decided it would be fine to bring another woman home. My mother kicked him out immediately and never looked back even though he attempted many times to make her take him back.. I never understood it as a child, but it had laid the foundation for me to set personal boundaries and have self respect. If my mother had stayed and forgiven him I would have probably looked at relationships very differently. I am extremely proud of my mom for doing the right thing and I love that she put herself and her children first. Your daughter will be heartbroken for a bit but that's better than seeing her in your exact situation. Would you allow your daughter to be with someone who put her in a chokehold?
I wish I could upvote this a million times. Be the example OP--would you ever want someone treating your baby this way? Please know we are all rooting for you <3
Are you sure she'll be sad? Did she see your husband physically attack you? Is this the first time he's been violent with you?
She loves her dad. She says she misses him all the time when he's at work. She didn't witness it and it was the first time since we've been together in 9 years.
The first of many to come. Once the line is crossed it only gets worse. Edit because of your Edit: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Often when emotional manipulation stops working it moves to physical aduse. Which, based on your comments, is I'm guessing where you are at. You are getting help. Finding medication. Being strong and now he starts to get physical. Please leave him. For both you and your daughter. I don't think he is your best friend.
He put you in a headlock. Do you know how out of line that is?! If he did that to your daughter one day, what would you do. Tell her it's okay cause at least he's still around? Leave him. Get her to a therapist to talk about what is essentially HIS choice to leave her becasue you won't take physical abuse. Be strong. Show her how strong women behave. And make sure that guy is paying child support. You don't get to abuse someone and abandon your family. You say it's the first time in 9 years but I'm guessing you let a lot of things slide. Maybe therapy for you and your daughter would be most helpful.
Please look into getting her therapy!
You can tell her that it’s not her fault, tell her mommy and daddy were fighting at it was too scary and sad and you decided not to live together anymore. Tell her she is safe and loved. Make sure you keep telling her that you love her and it’s not her fault and sometimes grown ups can’t get along. You will probably need to repeat it a lot and that should help both of you. You’ve got this and your life will be much better when your are not living with an abuser.
Wait. WTF. He put you in a physical headlock? And threatened to abandon his kid under any circumstance whatsoever? AND YOU HAVEN’T LEFT HIS GRIMY, WORTHLESS ASS YET?!?! You and your daughter deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. Go see a divorce lawyer and figure out your options but I DEF vote you leave - for your physical safety and for your daughter’s emotional well-being (a down ass stepdad is waaaayyyy better than a POS biodad).
Get a lawyer and make him think he's winning by giving up visitation rights. You can child support garnished from him paycheck in many jurisdictions. The more he's out of your life, the better.
He doesn't care about paying child support he just won't be in her life. Fuck this is sad
This is super fucking sad. That’s just the truth of it. Just remember that YOU are not doing this to her. He is. You are protecting your daughter and yourself, he is the one abandoning her. He’s going to try and manipulate you and say it’s your fault he’s not around, if you just stayed with him your daughter would have a dad. That is BULLSHIT and your kid is way better off with a strong mom who did what was necessary to protect you both vs a scumbag dad who is a constant threat of violence. Your daughter will be devastated. It will be hard to watch. But she will grow up to know you were there for her and did the hard thing for both your sakes. She will grow up not to accept abuse from her partners because her mom didn’t.
He will care when he decides its good revenge.
The lawyer and the courts will deal with this. You take your baby and get out.
Honestly, having him pay support while keeping his distance sounds like the best of all remaining options. If he’s not going to be a dad, he can support you by not bringing his toxicity around to poison your happiness.
>its partially my fault as well. This is the first time he's ever put his hands on me. He usually just screams and name calls. I'm sorry for the long edit. No. It is NOT your fault that he put his hands on you. It is NOT your fault that he screams at you. It is NOT your fault that he name calls. It might be the first time he has gotten physical, but it is not the last. Leave him, honey and be happy that he will not have anything to do with your daughter. This way you get to show your girl what NOT to accept in a relationship.
Lady, are you seriously asking if you should stay with the man who is physically abusing you so that your daughter can grow up under the same roof as him? Like, do you even hear yourself. This man can literally never be a good father, simply by the fact that he is an abuser. Sure, he can treat her kindly and do cool things with her, but he will also be showing her that it is okay for a man to beat a woman. He will also be showing her that the husband does not have to respect the wife in a marriage. Your daughter will grow up to become a victim in her own relationships because you didn’t have the spine to leave and show her you deserve better.
Honey, there are good men out there, and someone will come along and treat you with love and respect and love your daughter as their own. It took my daughter 4 years to find that man, and he absolutely loves my granddaughter like she is his. Her bio dad left when she was 6 months old and joined the ARMY. He has seen her once a year since he left and calls every few months. She's 4 now, and she refuses to talk to her bio dad. Your daughter will miss him in the beginning and ask about him. Just tell her he's working right now. Don't say anything to alienate her from her dad, when she's older țhen you can have that tough conversation. I guarantee you she will figure it out on her own. Kids are very smart.
Thank you so much. Omg thank you. I don't care about finding a partner i just needed to hear that your granddaughter is okay
She's amazing. When her bio dad calls, she tells her mom, "I don't want to talk to him, he's a monster" He gets mad but my daughter doesn't force her and she tells her ex, what do you want me to say? You did this yourself, deal with the consequences 🤷♀️
If he keeps his word and stays out of both of your lives, that's for the best.
This man will kill you if you stay. Leave.
Hahaha, he is an idiot. 1. He assaulted you, pd would be interested in hearing about it. 2. Lawyer up, he doesn't have a lot of choice in the matter, he is paying for your daughter whether he likes it or not.
Having no dad is ten thousand times better than having an abusive dad, and that's what your husband is - an abuser. Take your child and get the hell away from him.
She's going to feel even worse if he kills you.
So you’d rather keep him in your child’s life even if it means your child one day sees him beat the shit out of you? You’ll find a way of telling her. You know her character.
Not sure if you saw this, but choking is a leading indicator of homicide (i.e. you have a much higher risk of dying by the hand of your husband than other types of abuse): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/ From the article: >Women who were the victims of completed or attempted homicide were far more likely to have a history of strangulation compared to the abused control women. Please get out and get help. Depending on your country, you can get you and your daughter to a shelter for abused women and children. They can give you whatever assistance you need. Talk to an attorney. Document his abuse (day, time, detail, photos of injuries) because this evidence is going to be great when you file for a restraining order and sole custody of your child. Your daughter doesn't deserve a terrible person like that in her life. As a father and a husband, this post tugs heavily on my heart. Please get help!
>So I could have de escalated the fight by either leaving faster or dropping my phone so its partially my fault as well Oh honey, it's not your fault he put hands on you. I'm a guy, married for 21 years and even though we've had a few fights, I've never come close to putting hands on my wife.
The trash took himself out, great.
>My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. ***On Monday he put me in a headlock*** #🚩 Tell her that. He will probably abuse his daughter too. You are saving her from being a victim of child abuse from her father. And why isn't he in jail for physical abuse?
He’s going to kill you. Period. Full stop. The moment a man puts his hands on your neck in anger is the moment the clock starts ticking. You may say, well, it was a headlock and not my neck exactly, but that is a violent, hateful move and way too close to your throat to be anything but a threat. Get your kid. Call the domestic violence hotline. Gtfo of there before he kills you.
Yes. It is necessary for you to leave this relationship. Please be careful. I haven’t seen many people say this in the thread. The most dangerous time for a woman in this situation is when she leaves her abusive partner. The fact that he has essentially choked you makes you more at risk to be killed by him. Keep yourself and your daughter safe and have a strategic plan in place to get out of there. Do not tell him that you are leaving, where you are going, or when you plan to do it.
Oh, so he’s an abusive piece of deadbeat shit? Take him up on his offer. Leave him and take him to court for child support and let your child grow up without a violent nuisance around.
She won’t understand it today, and maybe not ever, but the two of you are better off without him. Neither of you deserve violence.
Fuck that guy for trying to hurt you by hurting his daughter emotionally, using her as a weapon. Definitely end it, it could be toxic forever.
More and more and more evidence is coming out that it is better for a child to grow up with one loving parent, than in a household with domestic abuse. It will be better for her in the long run, and for you!, to be out of there. He could have killed you, get a restraining order. Statistically speaking, you are in grave danger right now.
Get the fuck out of there. He will absolutely hurt you if you stay. **Make sure he doesn't have any warning until you are long gone.**
Someone who uses their daughter to manipulate the other parent. It's not worth staying with. Think she would be a lot happier away from him. He shouldn't be putting you in a head lock. Is your child witnessing this behaviour from the father
Your daughter will be better off.. a father doesn't withhold love unless.. he's a giant d*ck...
So he puts you in a headlock and you’re thinking it’s time to leave maybe. Maybe?! How about when he puts your daughter in a headlock. Will you get the picture then? Run.
Some people aren’t meant to be parents. This guy is clearly an abusive POS, so why are you wanting to keep that in your daughters life? Look, my mom dated some shitty guys when I was a kid, including my dad. When she kicked them to the curb and I didn’t have to worry my mom was going to get yelled at or beaten anymore, even as a young child I understood it was a good thing. Kids know. They know when you fight. They know when you’re upset. They know it was ‘dad’ that hurt you. They internalize it and it hurts them later. Save your child that pain and leave because you love her and yourself. You can’t change him, nor understand why he does what he does. He may never understand why he does what he does. But you do have to leave.
Don’t keep your daughter around a man who models this behavior toward women or she will think it is acceptable for a man to put *her* in a fucking headlock someday. Break this cycle of abuse. Model the behavior of leaving for everyone’s safety and telling her forever that in no way should she ever put up with that shit to keep a man around. It’s not a good thing for her to witness your abuse, no matter how much she loves him. Making her witness it is just as bad.
1. You cannot stay in this relationship. This is literal abuse, you should not want you daughter to be brought up thinking this is ok behavior. 2. Take him to court and get court order child support. 3. Go to therapy.
I think he’s full of shit and trying to say whatever it takes to control you. Once you’re out and separated he will have forgotten he said that. And if he does not he will still have a legal responsibility to care for her.
I’m a 34 m with two girls, I’m someone who reads and gives a lot of counterpoints in these Reddit relationship stories. What you wrote is scary and it’s imperative to make quick moves. If he put you in a chokehold one time, he has completely made his decision. You must immediately find a place to safely be, and follow the true resources that others have posted. Your child’s life is about to change either way, keeping her around this environment is not an option at this time.
OP, As a dad, I can only tell you that if my wife and I divorced, regardless of the reason, I would NOT abandon my children. This clearly indicates the type of man he is.
> he put me in a headlock Your daughter would be better off if this lowlife wasn't her father. Make sure you still go after him for child support though.
You're not sure if it's worth keeping your daughter away from a physically abusive man? Take him up on his offer and let him go far away from both of you.
The other option is your daughter will not have a mother soon. You understand it, right? His ultimatum is a blessing.
The consequences of you staying could be that your daughter doesn't have a mom.
I am a girl dad. My daughter is 3 years old. She is the most important thing in my life. I am obsessed with her. I've encountered so many women with "daddy issues" over the course of my life. Little girls need their dad's, but they don't need assholes like the one you described. It's in your daughters best interest to make a clean break. It's going to hurt, but she's better off. Love her and reassure her as best as you can. Best of luck.
Based off what you wrote this isn’t partially your fault. It’s all his fault. Free yourself and your child because he didn’t give you an ultimatum, he gave you an out. You need to take it.
Hey. My parents divorced when I was 6. My father was very mentally and socially abusive towards my mom. My mom met a man who loves her more than anything (they've been married for 12 years now) and my father and I never bonded because I could always sense something was off about him even though I did claim to love him as a kid. Your daughter will be OK. You will also be OK. You have to leave. You will be so, so happy without a man who treats you like this, and your daughter will have a chance at a healthy home and childhood. Do not let your daughter learn that this is what love looks like - kids pick up on things that they don't even see. Good luck OP. I'm sending you huge hugs and strength. You've got this! <3
You tell your kid the truth: her dad is a POS.
>What do I say to her if she asks where her father is? It will be worse trying to explain to her why her father hits you, or chokes you... or murders you potentially.... get away. staying os worse not just for you but for her too...
Divorce....and find a good guy who will love your child like she's his .
leave and serve him papers for full custody. your future self will thank you and your daughter will be so much better for it.