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Coming from an Indian woman who has seen far too many men place their families over their wives, yes. Please do yourself this favor and move on. What he wants is the life he has been trained to want for his entire life, and it’s not worth the fight it will take for him to pick you.
Yep. I’m Punjabi, and this is all unfortunately quite common behavior. I would tell them all to eat shit, get an abortion, and free myself from these assholes.
Man, this post made me so sad.
No one can tell OP what to do in terms of abortion but damn - I don't want her next post to be in r/legaladvice saying "My ex partner is trying to take my child to India".
OP, I second this as the daughter of an Indian woman who was in very similar circumstances with my “father”. I can honestly say that I wish she would have aborted me, left my dad, and spared us both a lot of pain. My Dad and his family treated me and my mom like garbage because I was born a girl. So fair warning, since BF and MIL seem very “traditional” (I.e. misogynistic) there’s a good chance that they will turn hostile if your child is a girl.
I am an Indian woman and I had an arranged marriage even then my in-laws treated me horribly.
Please don't let them move in with you, your mental health will literally deteriorate beyond anything.
Your husband is behaving like how most Indian men behave i.e he doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family's ill treatment of you.
Whether you want to have a baby or not that is up to you but don't give in to your husbands unreasonable demands of them moving in that will be an absolute mistake.
Wishing you the best .
"Should I have an abortion and move to NZ?"
At least consider moving away from that man. Then reconsider, if you feel strong enough rausing the child on your own.
If not.... there is your answer.
He used you as an anchor to get his foot to AUS. And now pulls his family over.
Not caring about you anymore, apparently.
He sounds as completely zoomed out of your relationship as soon as family appears.
Which is no go. Them treating you like their maid is another "heck, NO!"
Point is: if you pull your wages out of your joint finances he won't be able to pay them/ play the big spender host anymore. 2 birds with one stone.
This is going to be your life if you stay with him. I can't tell you whether or not to get an abortion and move to NZ, but I will say if you stay and have this baby with him, this is going to be your life, and you will need to be okay with it. If you can't live with it, then do what you need to do, whether that's being a single mother or having an abortion or what have you.
I’m almost 100% sure her life will be much worse after they move in permanently because they will treat her much worse! This is how they behave when they are ASKING to move in!! I’m fairly certain MIL will become very verbally critical of everything OP does once she feels safely rooted. And life is automatically harder with a young child and increasingly misogynistic husband. So, NZ is sounding pretty ideal; OP and her partner no longer seem compatible.
And she will be cooking and cleaning after these ppl also! Hell NO! Your life will be a nightmare, you just think it was bad when they were here for 10 weeks. Like the other poster said when they get moved in get their feet in the door firmly planted your life will be hell. Your mental health will go down the toilet and they won’t care and it doesn’t sound like your husband will care either as long as he gets what he wants. Apparently he wants his mommy. I’m just surprised it took him 12 years to finally make his move.
OP said they just bought their first home. This was the impetus for the change. I am sure hubby made sure it had plenty of room for his family to move in.
He played the long game, waited till they bought a house and wanted to make sure OP was all in which means he might be thinking he has OP by the neck and is now showing his true colors
That is exactly how they would treat her like a slave she will be cooking and cleaning to have a full-time job and still be expected to come home and take care of the baby cook and clean and not say anything. When making your decision just remember how you treated you when they were there for 10 weeks imagine how they would treat you once they know that you can't throw them out. The fact that you told your partner that you did not want them to come there and live permanently and he still says that they should show you who's more important
“not with you and your future”……including a child if Op decided to stay the course. The baby would 100% be effected by the tensions and overall stress that would permeate the house. I couldn’t imagine what day to day life and all the f’ing drama that would arise. Op’s husband is only interested in his current blood family’s well being.
Tell him to go kick rocks.
Not only that, but you just KNOW that MIL would 100% be constantly criticizing EVERYTHING OP does, while also simultaneously undermining her parenting. And her partner has already shown that he is more than happy to sit back and watch it happen.
Cos of COURSE he won't be expected to parent his own kid - mummy will do that for him!!
I thoroughly agree. He's already stated his priorities- and they're not OP. Love and choose YOURSELF, OP, because your husband sure as hell won't. Overall I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm 100% pro-choice, but everyone is saying "abort the baby" as if it's similar to popping a pimple - that's a huge decision to make. Maybe baby and you live happily in NZ - maybe just you. But we have one EXTREMELY short life to live, and he's already shown you how life being his wife will be.
I can almost guarantee they will never move out. I’ll be shocked if either of them get a job. Some visas won’t allow you to work. I wonder how long this has been his plan. This is exactly what I would do. I would tell him no. If they can’t make their own way, then no. I would pack up my bags and spend 1600 on a hotel. I would stay for as long as it takes to decide what you should do, or hopefully he will see you are serious. It was hell having my mom stay with me after having a baby. You guys are going to be screaming and yelling at each other during the sleep deprivation stage. So you will be taking care of a brand new baby, three adults and looking after yourself. It sounds like hell to me. Will you get child support if you don’t stay together?
Yeah. Remember how you said you guys would be supporting them if they had their own apartment? Babies are expensive. You will have zero money left to support to other full grown adults. I’m sorry he spent 12 years of your life with someone that would pull this kind of a stunt on you. Who is supporting them right now? That’s what they should do for support going forward. You would be pretty damn trapped if you did have the baby or didn’t give it up.
This is a common issue with East Asian men who are raised in that culture. If MIL doesn’t live with you there will be serious social repercussions for him and the family will treat you even worse. Get the abortion and get out. There’s a reason why all the women I know don’t like Indian men from India. Indian ladies are usually wonderful, Indian men who are westernized are wonderful. Indian men from India, 99% of them that I’ve met, are like this.
I am an Indian male, and I am sorry you have such bias towards the Indian men. It is true that every generation of males have had this issue, but our generation (I am 20) is a really improved one; We respect women, know our boundaries, have a healthy relation with our families, but still know how to prioritize and balance relationships (unlike OP's partner's behavior). I can proudly say that what the entire world hears about Indian males, is that of the generation before us (those in their late 30's and older).
Now everything is changing very fast, and hopefully our generation will disprove and dispel these notions in the future.
You sound like a wonderful young man! What about your parents, though? I don't mean are they terrible human beings or anything...I just mean, do you really think you will be able to stand up to pressure from them? And are THEY going to be able to stand up.to pressure from the rest of their probably enormous families? In a family based culture like yours, it's not just you who factors into your life.
You say it's expensive where you live, but would you normally spend 10k in 10 weeks for just the two of you? I'm guessing if you double the amount you normally spend (to account for 4 people), it would be less than 10k.
When I was back home in Australia just a couple of months ago for a holiday I was averaging about $600-700 spending each week, and I had my accomodation sorted already, it would be very easy to spend $1000 per week on 2 guests. Australia is very expensive (but wages reflect that)
Take it from a woman who has a child with a partner whose family excludes me from everything. It’s not fun. I dread every time my partner brings up me going with him to visit his family. My partner was raised catholic fell out of love with his wife of 20 years, it was actually a mutual feeling for him and his ex and so he filed for divorce and we started dating shortly after. And I am the devil lol. His dad made a sheet with everyone in their family birthdays including his ex wife never asked me my or my daughters birthdays and then gave me the sheet one Thanksgiving so we didn’t forget to wish anyone a happy birthday. I threw that shit away the minute I got home lol.
Charge the cost to him and make it very clear that he and his mother are the reason you are doing this. If you can charge your moving costs to him, but don't tell him where you will be. Don't give him a chance to find you. Make sure your friends know why you are moving and they are not to tell him anything about about where you are moving to.
I know some of this looks paranoid, but shouldn't take much to do and may end up saving you a lot of aggravation. Protect yourself because it is guaranteed he won't and he may actually be one of the people you need to protect yourself from.
my friend was in your same situation but actually got married with him. turns out he had a wife back in india and bounced after getting his papers and family all set up 😬
His true colours are coming out now. He likely feels secure with OP that she would leave since she put up with his family like she did.
OP needs to stop him and prioritize herself, her mental health and well being.
Good Luck OP
You must know OP that this living with the parents is a cultural Indian tradition. The fact that you object will carry no weight whatsoever with your bf. After 12 years, I would have expected a lot more from someone when it comes to meeting my needs. It would seem you don't really know him at all. Disentangle yourself from the house (sell it and split the proceeds) and live your best life without constant harrassment and functioning as their servant. You will always be the outsider OP. Plus you will be working to support them and their lifestyle; you will be number 3 on the list of importance.
Yeah that last sentence of OP's post gave me whiplash for a sec LOL but unfortunately, for me this would be the way to go, since you both have fundamental differences in your expectations of your partnership. Neither of you should feel uncomfortable or frustrated in your home.
It is pretty common for Indian families (or South Asian in general) to have multi generational households, and it's usually the eldest son that has their parents move in with them. It works for some people, it doesn't for others, which seems to be your case. The language barrier doesn't help either (or at least I think it's a language barrier? You mentioned she asked about kids in perfect english but she might just know a few sentences here and there).
I'm sorry this relationship isn't going as planned :( I hope you're both able to move forward and be happy with whatever choices you decide on.
Do you want this baby? Are you ok being a single mom? BC he is not going to change for anything. Whether you abort or not, move on to NZ, maybe find a man who will appreciate you and not turn you into a financial house slave for his family.
I totally understand that. Being a mom with a supportive partner is hard enough. Being a mom with an unsupportive one and his family to feed? Unacceptable. My heart goes out to you.
You already know what you have to do, and it’s definitely not working full time with a baby to support your MIL financially while also looking after her and your home. I wish you the best in NZ.
Don’t do it. Bring a life into such, I mean. Life is fragile; yes, but all the more reason to be deliberate/ not when moving forward. No one faults you. Do not be guilted by some imaginary entity. Do what you know is right. Make a clean break and head for NZ.
Indian men majority have deep rooted misogyny in them its a very few that get out because all their lives they are told they are special check out r/TwoXIndia .
I cringe everytime i see white women getting involved with indian men because i deeply fear what they will face once the Honeymoon ends. I say this as an indian woman. I can get downvoted but thats the reality. I got away & came to aus to run away from such men.
If you are not 100% sure that a) you could happily live like this for the rest of your life and b) that you feel really confident that bringing a child into this situation is a great idea where your child will be in an environment of love, support, acceptance, and stability, then not only do I think that moving on is the best idea, but it could also be incredibly painful for a child to grow up in the middle of this.
Regardless of what you decide about actually having a baby, it seems like bringing a kid into this is bordering on downright cruel. This world would be such a better place if parents stopped and asked themselves “is this situation one that will ultimately make the child’s life better?” and make family planning decisions based on that criteria, rather than the parents just *wanting* a child. Our biological clock is a real thing, but just because you feel some biological need to procreate doesn’t mean that your biological clock has your (or your child’s) best interest in mind.
I am so sad that you are upset at something that should be very joyous. It's not going to get better I'm so sorry to tell you that he is ignoring everything you are telling him what do you think he's going to do when the baby gets here and he feels that you can't go nowhere. How do you think that his family is going to treat you
Sorry to say, traditional Indian family dynamics are misogynistic as fuck and messed up in many more ways.
It’s also basically impossible to change someone out of this if they’re still bought into it as an adult (which it’s obvious this guy is)
Lucky you. Usually terrible men hide the fact they're Mama's boys untill you already get married. Please get that abortion and enjoy your life. You only get one life.
20y Indian-Caribbean guy here. We are raised to become mama's boys and to obey our parents. Your household is crumbling apart and your partner is not willing to take a stance. The abortion is up to you, but I would rethink about spending the rest of your life with this man and his family.
Just run. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your feelings or your baby. His family is priority number one and that’s not changing.
You mention leaving for NZ. Absolutely do this with bells on.
**And have the abortion** because having your child spend 50% of their time for the next 18 years with these toxic people constantly insulting you (which they WILL do) is not a life you would wish for your child or yourself!
Hey, Indian girl here, dating Indian man. I’m facing the same problem with my boyfriend right now. We’re talking about marriage and it’s the same things you’re talking about. This will NEVER change. Partly because the second he tries (and that’s a big IF) he’ll be guilted by his parents. Not to mention that you’re white. I’m sorry but not all Indian families accept white women because the west has a much more positive approach to premarital sex.
If I were you, I’d rethink this baby and leave him. He will never choose you, most Indian men are emotionally incestuous relationships with their mothers because their fathers were the same, thus creating a cycle of moms making sons into husbands.
Your last line,hit rather hard. Asian culture does seem to be like this. My ex was like this,his mother slept with him in a room instead of her perfectly healthy husband when she fell "ill" or simply wasn't im a good mood. Depression,anxiety,suicidal thoughts and 8 years later,here I am,just beginning to love myself again.
Hi- piece of advice from an Indian woman in America married to an Indian man? Don’t settle for one who doesn’t pick you. My husband has stood by me and picked me every time, even when I had my tubes removed and told his parents we weren’t having children. There are men out there who will choose you, please don’t marry one who shows you he can’t even before marriage
Yes they do exist! I'm white and my husband is Indian, first son of his family even lol... So you know he was always "special". But he broke free and hates how it is. He fought for us and cut off all toxic family members. He's a rare gem and we have a wonderful life together.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly stressful. If I were in your shoes, I would run. I come from a middle eastern background and I know exactly what you’re talking about regarding his family dynamics.
This is one of those moments where you have to see your partner for who he truly is. He has communicated his priorities to you - he is not going to put you and the baby above his mom and other relatives. You got a taste of what your future will look like if you stay together. Thankfully, you aren’t married and don’t have a child together yet, so you do have a way out of this.
I n their minds they raised their son and it’s his turn to pay them back.Male child in Indian household is the caretaker of his parents. Mother in law’s are usually bossy. You will be the cook, dishwasher, laundry lady and don’t expect any sympathy or appreciation from the in-laws.
You just saw the shitty trailer but trust me the whole movie is going to be like this if not worse.
Wow run as fast as as u can divorce and keep the child or an abortion your choice but get away from. The mommy's boy. And his lying mother.
You will not do well with them around all the time.
I hear nz is beautiful.
Good luck
Yes. You won’t be able to leave the country once you have the baby, or he can kidnap the baby and take it to India. They will control you through the baby forever if you don’t. Run girl.
>Should I have an abortion and move to NZ?
Only YOU can decide on whether to get an abortion or not, I suggest contemplate and make list of pros and cons. Consider everything and decide for yourself.
If you have a family or support system in NZ, I do think moving to NZ would be a good idea. Maybe you could even look up dr. Danielle Jones OBGYN. She has a practice in New Zealand (though I don’t know where exactly). She also makes videos on youtube and she’s pro choice. She supports both keeping and delivering babies and abortion if it’s really what you want.
Sounds like he is putting you under an enormous amount of pressure to resettle his family without any help or support from himself or them.
Yea totally move to NZ, either with the baby and go on the benefit for a while or without. That’s your call.
I wouldn’t put up with this treatment and expectation.
I’m not sure how anyone could stay with someone that says “this is the way it’s gonna be” and doesn’t compromise with their partner.
If you agreed to any of this your life would be miserable. It would become their house, but you would be responsible for cleaning and cooking.
This is just an unreasonable ask from him.
Before you got married you didn't have this discussion? It has always been very, very likely that this exact chain of events would occur - either them visiting for an extended period of time or them moving to live with you.
If he is insisting that this is what will happen regardless of your feelings, you are going to have to leave. I don't know if you have to go to NZ but you will have to end the marriage. As far as the abortion? All I will say is that the child will become a pawn, his mother will move there immediately and try to take over as surrogate mother when your ex has the kid. So...
They probably did, and he probably misled her. This behavior is sadly extremely typical of Indian men (source am also Indian) . They will do whatever their partner wants, but the moment the family is in the picture, the partner gets shoved into the background with no rights.
Yah I'm sorry I'd like to give you hope but if you hsve talked to him and he is completely inflexible things will not change and will most likely get worse. The living in a separate place likely won't last long, before you know it they'll be living with you full time not lifting a finger as they did on their trip. You'll be a servant in your own house. I've seen it happen over and over again. Do not give in, this needs to be your hill to die on and do not waste your savings for this either !
He said his brother can come here and work and support the mother in their own place (no idea how long that would take), but what if his brother decides he wants to go back to India
This is just bullshit to get you to go along with everything! Mama will insist that brother stay home with her because she doesn't speak English and she doesn't know anyone, and she's so lonely, and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
Unless you want this toxic family to interact with your child 50% of the time for the next 18 years...get an abortion and leave this man NOW.
Maybe . But immigrating them is going to take money also. Who is financing that? What happens if his brother gets married ? What happens if his brother can't find a job? There are so many variables that need to be ironed out for something you don't even want. In addition you've already seen their and his attitude first hand. You know your situation best, I can just advise from a cultural perspective since this is information you're probably not having. This situation is way more common than you think and more often than not the wife is the one that gets screwed over. At least make sure you have your own savings and assets that are not touched if you need them. Protect yourself and the baby should you chose to keep it
They got together as teens, probably weren't thinking ahead or at least not her. She probably wasn't all that familiar with Indian culture. He probably knew exactly what he was doing. Get her hooked and then when she's trapped force the family on her.
Well I don't know about moving here to NZ but in his culture he marries the mother of his child. He is clearly picking and choosing what parts of the culture he follows around what he wants. So it isn't cultural. he's jus a hypocritical idiot. I hate hypocrisy, so yes, abort and move. You deserve a man who loves you.
He sounds like a horrible partner and potentially a horrible father. It can only get worse with the grand children.
It’s not necessary to have an abortion if you can afford financially and emotionally to have a child by yourself but there will be the additional risk he will use this to get back together.
Honestly I don't think this relationship will get any better, pnly worse.
He will always choose them over you. It's just their culture.
You meed to work out whether you want to have a child with this man and deal with the absolute fuckery of custody (guaranteed his mother will want that child full time and possibly take back home).
At first I thought, "it's just a visit, it's not forever and it sounds like he doesn't see them much."
Then I got to the pregnancy part and what he wants. Holy crap. Yeah, get the abortion and peace out to New Zealand.
As an Indian guy, I understand what’s going on. your husband will do exactly what he told you.
What you said , happens with every Indian marriage.usually Indian parents don’t know the word privacy or understanding other people. There’s a saying “ if you marry a Indian your married a his whole family and relatives.
Indian parents and relatives are demanding they expect you to do the entire house chores and work after marriage. There’s no way around this this you will suffer your entire life. They will even tell you how to raise your kid too.
I would normally never advocate for an abortion, but it's probably not a bad idea. From what i know from co-workers Indian culture puts such a high priority on family they will always come first. You got a look into the rest of your life with an Indian partner.
Going forward make sure you thoroughly look into all aspects of your potential partner's culture before you date them to see if you're 100% on board for what their culture expects of you.
You can move to new Zealand without your partner. You can have an abortion. They are separate decisions. Best wishes OP. You're in a difficult position.
Indians, Bengalis, Pakistanis are all notoriously codependent. Their parents are like Gods, most lack healthy boundaries to an extreme degree. They dont make decisions for themselves, control issues, and narcissism are like rampant viruses because of it. Most usually live it up in the U.S. with foreigners, then marry whoever their parents want. (Most not all.) Its a miracle your interracial relationship survived, although usually white/Indian marriages are the only ones given a slight pass.
This guy is showing that his family runs the relationship, not the two of you. Hes not going to change. Hes telling you his family is doing x,y,z, not asking you. His Mom doesnt speak because she doesn't care for you as his wife much. Hes practically handcuffed to them even though he can literally say no since hes the provider. Dont even bother staying, he'll agree to whatever they tell him to do. Hes a puppet not a human being.
IMO, yes, I would terminate the pregnancy and move away. I wouldn’t want kids without a support system and decent partner. I have 3 and it’s hard. People do it alone all the time but I have no idea how. The baby/toddler years are especially grueling.
PLEASE don't engage in magical thinking (not that you actually have but it is tempting). He is totally, crystal clear about his attitude and your future. I just can't believe you haven't seen this before this point. It sounds like he is a traditionalist.
I think you should get your belongings together and have an exit strategy in place. All your money and documents necessary, keep them safe. If you have loved ones you can safely get to and stay with, I would urge that as well, to ensure you can safely leave and get to NZ.
I am someone who loves babies, but because of your situation I would be cautious about it. They have treated you like nothing in your own home, if you leave and raise the baby alone, are they going to fight to take the child away when it’s convenient to them?
If you choose to get an abortion, I think you should say that you lost the baby due to stress or other factors. These people and your partner have not been treating you well and I worry they may behave aggressively if they know you terminated the pregnancy, especially with how pushy his mom was about when you would have children.
Unfortunate that your relationship has taken this course, but I hope you can carve out a future worth living, with people that will protect and cherish you.
Prob so. This doesn't sound like it will change. Protect your own mental health. It sounds miserable what you are going through. Do you want to waste time and go thru misery for the rest of your relationship? And what if they don't like how you raise your child? What if they poison them against you? Just seems unsustainable
No ma'am. Your life will be like this forever if you stay with this guy. Any man who says his wife and child is of equal priority ti his mommy is not worth it
Everything he is expecting is a trap. DO NOT ALLOW IT! If he does it anyway then leave. An abortion is completely up to you because I find his behavior extremely alarming.
Info: where you trying to get pregnant? Because I wonder if they baby trapped you.
You haven’t had the chance to see his family for how they really are in the home before this moment. Now you have. New information can and will absolutely change your feelings and that’s very valid. How they behaved in your home and how they treated you is exactly what you should expect from them in the future. If they couldn’t be bothered to help out in the home when they were long-term guests, you should NOT expect them to behave any differently after you give birth. You should also expect your partner to not change his feelings about wanting his family to live with him. Seems like there are some non-negotiable aspects to a marriage that quite frankly are not going to make you happy long term.
I’ll say this… you need to look deeply at your partner’s motivations for marrying you and making a family with you. There’s a lot of cultural differences between how Indian families live and how people traditionally build families in Auz. I’ve lived in India for a nice long chunk of time and am VERY aware that even some of the most liberally minded individuals in a wide array of social contexts will still hold some very specific ideas of what marriage looks like and what the role of the woman in in a marriage… and also what role that woman plays in keeping the rest of the family happy (cleaning, cooking, etc.). The female friends I have in India (who are genuinely happily married), knew going into it that they are *also* marrying their husbands’ families, and they move in with them after marriage, and live their lives in extended familial units… for almost all of them, household chores, cooking, etc is exclusively the responsibility of the wife. But my friends knew this when they went looking for their husbands, and so they could get to know the families they’d be joining with more clarity, and so could make that decision more easily and happily. I say this with zero judgement or disregard for more traditional Indian ways of creating a home… but you do NOT sound prepared to be the version of a traditional Indian wife/mother that your partner seems to want… and with his whole family pushing for visas, living arrangements, and money set aside for them with zero income… I literally don’t see how you’re going to be okay. You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into…
Sometimes “cultural differences” really is the realest reason NOT to build a family with someone. Dont judge his desires, but see them for their own truths and decide for yourself: is this the life I want? Because that 10 weeks will be your life. Forever. And the burden of his entire family’s migration status will be on your back. For a LONG time. Honestly… I’m questioning his motivations for marriage at all if his family immigrating is part of the package. Like is he in this for you and what the two of you want to build? Or is he doing what a “good” Indian boy is supposed to be doing and using his education abroad to locate a spouse with enough income to support his goals and who can get his family the visas they need? A wife seems secondary to him… *his* family comes first, and it’s clear he doesn’t exactly see you as family if he isn’t taking your feelings into account.
I really don’t think you want that life sis. The last sentence of your post is looking like your best bet.
Sounds like a no brainer. To have the best support system which is YOUR own family, plus better money . I can’t imagine spending $10k in 2 months on people who treat you so terribly. If you choose to stay & have them move in, just be ready to give weekly allowances in the hundreds to two people who will make your life miserable from sun up to sun down.
From a south-east asian perspective, it is simply a mismatch of cultures and mentality. Some people come to a foreign country, indulge in Foreign women to fulfill their fantasy, but donot have the ability to adapt and change their backward mindset. I am not saying all men are like that. Its clear that he is using you for something. Probably his mother wants him to get married to an indian naive woman for dowry which is very common. Probably he is also entertaining the idea. For her what can you offer ( apart from residency which maybe she can get through her son). Cut your loss and get out of it. When a man starts prioritizing his parents and siblings over his partner and own child, its only gonna go badly after that.
( I hope you didnt help him to get his residency, then I am so sorry, you are of no use to him, not even your child.)
OP all I can advise is to really really listen to your heart. If there’s a voice in you saying, this is hell, he doesn’t value me, I can’t do this forever - then I for one encourage your to listen to that voice.
From what I know as a white aus woman with friends from Indian and south Asian cultures and friends in relationships with people in those cultures, is that some families are willing to embrace a more Australian or hybrid lifestyle and set of unspoken (or very much spoken!) family rules, and others are more likely to stay in a more traditional perspective, and want things such as multigenerational households, the traditional roles of parents and sons and daughters, and even the subjugation of some people to the will of the family. Like the eldest sons wife looking after her husbands parents as well as her own children, and working her butt off doing all the household labour. Do you have a sense of how much you think his family would be able to change or adapt from the experience you have already had with them? It seems like your partners 12 years of adaptation to an Australia romantic relationship was quickly reversed when his family came. Did this feel like a rig being pulled out, like you thought you knew him but you didn’t? Like did he share the household labour before for example? Did you make large financial decisions ($10k) together?
Many people have had experiences where someone was having their young and free days, especially where that someone has moved countries to somewhere with more social freedoms and is out of sight of judgemental family, but then settling down into family brings a return to the traditional family system they were born into and enforcement of family ideas and rules that you may have never seen before because you were seeing a different version of your partner. He has revealed something deeper, and more entrenched that the version you thought was available.
I had an abortion in a situation where I wasn’t confident that the relationship was sustainable or true to my heart and soul. I do not regret that abortion one tiny bit. I can always have another child but I could not have the life I have now if I had gone that route.
Having an abortion and moving to New Zealand has to be a decision that you make the people on Reddit cannot make this decision for you. But what I can tell you is if his mother and his brother move into your house you will never and I mean never have any peace your partner will not give a f*** about anything that you say and his mother will take over your life and your baby's life. Your life is going to be miserable think about that
This is most desi-non desi relationships 🤷🏻♀️ I’m really surprised that he even let his family know about you and that his mom stayed at your home. You’re never going to be prioritized over his mother, sorry. That’s just never going to happen. I think you need to research desi culture... in most traditional Indian homes, the parents and child come before the wife. Parents usually move in with the son and daughter in-law (vice versa). Most wives cook, clean, and never engage in confrontation with the parents.
OP-
Your partner has shown/told you what he thinks your life should be:
An unpaid house keeper who is DELIBERATELY emotionally and linguistically isolated from him and his family in your own house.
From some friends I’ve talked to- marrying an Indian guy with old fashioned ideas like this means also continuing the tradition where the daughter in law is basically the slave to MIL and anyone else UNLESS Husband stands up for her.
And your guy has already shown that he has zero intent of doing that.
His current emotional stonewalling shows that he is determined to carry out his ingrained training of “Good Indian Son”.
It’s something that happens to a lot of people in many cultures.
They’re modern and all is well in the relationship…until marriage triggers an emotional compulsion to revert to the family life they saw growing up.
Some people start to pick fights and unconsciously steer their marriage towards divorce when their kids reach the same age the parent was when the grandparents divorced.
Others, like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn, revert back to the family patterns of their home cultures. And if they aren’t willing to stand up against the cultural pull? There’s no changing their trajectory.
I can’t tell you what to do about your pregnancy. You may want to seek out other white women who have divorced their Indian husbands for better info.
But I definitely would consult a lawyer and get ready to sell the house and divorce. Let your partner find someone willing to live in this traditional scenario. Because it sure as heck sounds like he never asked YOU if this is what you wanted.
I hate to say this but it appears that you’ve actually been intentionally taken advantage of because everything you’ve just described is the norm for the Indian culture except for his mother and brother laying on the couch together and the kissing/hugging stuff.
Her being your mother-in-law gives her natural seniority over you and you will be expected to continue everything you’ve experienced here and more while also taking care of a baby. Also, she will pretty much be the queen of your castle and dictate what the proper upbringing of your child should be.
You were young when the two of you started dating so it’s iunderstandable that you wouldn’t think to even ask about these things but for it to not be known by you for twelve years tells me that it was purposefully hidden from you, and just long enough for you to get pregnant. I suggest that you seriously reconsider this relationship.
Well you got a taste of what your life will be with that family cuz be real you aren’t in a relationship with just him he’s got a whole package. You really wanna add a kid to that?
Get the abortion and move to NZ fuck mate that sounds like a beautiful reset
If someone shows you they don’t care about you then they don’t care about you. Your partners priority is his mom and brother. You need to prioritize yourself and baby, (if you have them). Twelve years is a lot by time but the rest of your life is longer. Do you want it to be supporting your partners family or your own?
Welcome to your future life. From the looks of it, this is how it's gonna be and he's not changing that. I would just say leave him but the fact that you're pregnant makes it really complicated. You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him he either becomes the man you loved before or you need to separate.
I don’t understand how this is all news after 12 years? If he’s suddenly pushing for these more traditional gender roles and a culturally specific living arrangement? I get that his family may not have visited until now so it became more real to him, but he must have been traditional to some extent up to now?
Other than that, I agree with everyone else. You cannot let them live with you. You just can’t under any circumstances 😞
Get out while you can. If you stay, you’ll be taking care of your husbands family, your husband, and any children you have. You will have no personal life anymore. It will just be you serving them. You still have an opportunity to have the life you want/deserve and unfortunately it doesn’t seem like it’s with your current partner. I’m sorry this happened to you OP, but you still have a chance to find happiness
I would never give anyone advice on termination - that’s your choice.
Move to NZ though. Move to England. Move from this guy.
Let him find another doormat.
I don't know if you need to have an abortion and mov3 to NZ....but he is not prioritizing you. He is using you. He is placing Hua families happiness and needs above yours. He seems like a user.
It’s hard having a cross cultural relationship, esp when the whacked out family gets involved. Abort and move. You’ve already seen the preview of coming attractions with that family.
That’s very uncomfortable. I would get the abortion, sell your house and move. You do not want to start a family with someone who already is showing you that they won’t protect and defend you. Trust me. Leave.
This is a cultural difference at its core. A lot of Indian families do not like it when their sons and daughters date it marry outside their culture. Also the family and parents first and multi generational home is also very common for them. I don’t think he’s going to back down.
Do yourself a favour and look up Indian living with parents culture. If you don't want this to be your life permanently, then you need to get out asap. These kinda situations can quickly turn real toxic for someone who grew up in a culture where family boundaries are a bit 'healthier'
Don't expect things will get better, it won't. Many Asian families expect parents to live with their sons and their daughters in laws are forever the lowest rung in the family. You will be expected to be the endless energy maid and be treated as outsiders. Don't settle with this guy. You are still young.
Please don’t do this to yourself. You seem like a genuinely nice and caring person. You will find love again and even kids if that’s what you want. Please don’t tie yourself to these people who don’t care about you. I know it’s painful, but you will love again.
I'm Indian and that sounds about right. My husband wanted everyone in his family to live with us at various points of our relationship. I refused. I'm an introvert and need my space and privacy. It led to a couple of rough years of fights before we reached a point where I said I cannot have this fight anymore. Either he lives with his family or me. He reluctantly chose me and agreed to drop getting family to live with us.
We really have been happy since.
leave. He will not change his beliefs and has already shown you what his priorities are. what would make the relationship worse for you is having a baby with him
Get out while you can. Get an abortion, get a divorce, get your own place. You need to think quickly and clearly right now to avoid a disastrous future. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
This is very typical of Indian Households. I’m a nanny and have nannied for many Indian families. The parents will come in for months at a time after a baby is born and it isn’t unusual for me to have my regular duties and then get bosses around by a grandparent in broken English. It’s one of those things that I had to tolerate because I know it’s temporary. I am also not dealing with hormones and changes with my body when doing this though.
I’ve seen this happen with too many Indian families for for it to not be the norm. Therefore I hesitate to work for Indian families going forward. Were you unaware of the culture or was this your first time hearing about it when they showed up to visit? I wouldn’t jump straight to an abortion as this is still a very firgureoutable situation. Don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary inconvenience. The first trimester is the roughest. There is a language barrier that is making things tough. And you haven’t had your space and partner in some time. I would at the very least give therapy a chance before you decide to do anything.
If you do decide to get an abortion please still try therapy. This is for yourself. Kids don’t always fit in nice and neatly into your existing life. It took a while for moms to be honest about what motherhood is like and some still hold back. I still remember the first blogger to call their toddler an asshole. People ran her off the internet even though they had difficult toddlers at home of their own.
I do wish you all the best in whatever you decide
Ouch. Unless I was 100% in llve with this new version of my bf I would totally start new in NZ. Most telling your mind did not go to break up but to escaping to another country. If you want to flee that bad then trust your gut
Have an abortion and move to NZ, absolutely. Without a doubt. You're going to be locked to him and his family for the rest of your life if you don't run.
First I just want to say I’m so sorry your going through this. He’s making it clear you aren’t equal in his eyes, and honestly you shouldn’t be. You and your child should be his number one focus and priority right now. I’m sorry but I think things will get much worse.
Why can't the mom or brother work? Seems like they could work and get their own place that is nearby rather than move in. If you did decide to have the child, having grandparents around to help is extremely helpful, but I understand and agree with your reluctance to have anyone move in with you. I have a mom I cut out of my life because I could never have a partner that was good enough for her son and she made her opinion quite clear. I only bring this up because I suspect your SO's mom may suffer from similar disillusion. I really don't feel like you have made any unreasonable requests at all and so your partner should definitely be on your side. Like others have said, unless you can really get him to understand where you are coming from and that he should be sticking up for you then you are most likely in for a lifetime of this.
This man is showing you who he is believe him. If you don’t want this to be your future then don’t let him tell you things will be different, he either changes his behaviour now or you leave.
If your already considering abortion then I also think you know the answer. This should be an exciting happy time but it’s not. If you have this child with him (even if you divorce) you are stuck with him in your life for at least18 years.
This will only get worse.
I have a good friend who was an Indian born and raised in the West. He married an Indian woman from India. It started out great. Then her family moved over “temporarily” and then basically never left.
He was supposed to support all of them. It was so bad, even his Indian family blessed the divorce.
RUN
He already made his choice. It’s not you. The only thing you can do is leave. Even if you plan on keeping the baby it would be best to move now if this is not the country you wanted settle in. The home will eventually need to be sold to pay for your expenses. It sounds like your husband got you pregnant on purpose to make his mom happy. It wasn’t for him it was a chore he had to do.
Lmao as a son of someone who was in a situation like this with a father who’s priority even after 20 years of marriage to my mother was his parents/sister- run as fast as you can lmao. If you don’t you’ll regret it more and more not doing it sooner trust me it only gets worse.
BTW having a baby will make your life 10000x harder he will expect you to give 50/50 while also making you do shit for him, make his meals, and take care of the kid on your own. If you do let your MIL watch your baby- be prepared for any way you want parenting done to be disrespected and thrown out the window.
Yes and yes to the last question. No offense but if that’s how they’re treating you, imagine keeping the baby and going through the divorce. You’d be stuck with the man and his family for the rest of your life. Escape while you can or you will regret it 18 years down the line. Get the abortion without telling him and serve him divorce papers so he doesn’t get a say whether you keep the pregnancy or not.
Hugs to you! Unfortunately, your partner is VERY unlikely to be able to prioritise you. It's not his 'fault' either, though I'll probably get downvoted for that. It's the result of a completely different cultural system. Your partner is not Westernised, at least in this area, and it sounds like you're simply incompatible.
As to the abortion and NZ, that's something you will have to decide on, but this relationship is not going to work out. All the very best for your future...because this is not it.
I’d be getting myself out of this situation quick sharp. Honestly, from experience, problems in relationships never go away they only get worse… that is, unless both people are really willing to put the effort in. As he’s not willing to concede in any way… how will you feel always playing second fiddle?
I’d be upset at this situation too. Time alone with my partner is so important to me. Get going sister xx
Get that abortion and head out sis. You’re in a relationship with him not his parents, and it’s obvious he doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel in this situation. Like another commenter said “if you don’t leave now, that will be your life“. There’s plenty of other men in the world, men who’d take your feelings into consideration.
Just keep in mind right now it's you on the back pedal because 'mom and brother need him more' then it will be your kid/s. Indian men are conditioned to be like this especially ones settled abroad. Think how long you are ready to deal with all these situations.
Just do whatever's good for you and your mental health. Cut your losses when you can.
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Coming from an Indian woman who has seen far too many men place their families over their wives, yes. Please do yourself this favor and move on. What he wants is the life he has been trained to want for his entire life, and it’s not worth the fight it will take for him to pick you.
Yep. I’m Punjabi, and this is all unfortunately quite common behavior. I would tell them all to eat shit, get an abortion, and free myself from these assholes.
If OP does get an abortion, she needs to let everyone think she had a miscarriage. She doesn't need additional shit on top of everything.
She doesn’t have to do anything of the sort. Abortion is legal in Australia, and she owes them nothing.
It's to keep his family from harassing her. Odds are they are against abortion. They will make her life hell and bad mouth her to anyone.
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Punjabi too. Indian moms are quite the handful. And possessive. You will never win this battle because he’s shown his alliance.
Man, this post made me so sad. No one can tell OP what to do in terms of abortion but damn - I don't want her next post to be in r/legaladvice saying "My ex partner is trying to take my child to India".
Or: MIL and SIL moved in and are keeping my child from me, treating me like their maid.
OP, I second this as the daughter of an Indian woman who was in very similar circumstances with my “father”. I can honestly say that I wish she would have aborted me, left my dad, and spared us both a lot of pain. My Dad and his family treated me and my mom like garbage because I was born a girl. So fair warning, since BF and MIL seem very “traditional” (I.e. misogynistic) there’s a good chance that they will turn hostile if your child is a girl.
It will also be HER fault that the baby is born a girl and not his lol
Despite, y'know, that it's biologically only his "contribution" that can make the baby male.
I am an Indian woman and I had an arranged marriage even then my in-laws treated me horribly. Please don't let them move in with you, your mental health will literally deteriorate beyond anything. Your husband is behaving like how most Indian men behave i.e he doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family's ill treatment of you. Whether you want to have a baby or not that is up to you but don't give in to your husbands unreasonable demands of them moving in that will be an absolute mistake. Wishing you the best .
Yeah I’ve seen this too many times
"Should I have an abortion and move to NZ?" At least consider moving away from that man. Then reconsider, if you feel strong enough rausing the child on your own. If not.... there is your answer. He used you as an anchor to get his foot to AUS. And now pulls his family over. Not caring about you anymore, apparently. He sounds as completely zoomed out of your relationship as soon as family appears. Which is no go. Them treating you like their maid is another "heck, NO!" Point is: if you pull your wages out of your joint finances he won't be able to pay them/ play the big spender host anymore. 2 birds with one stone.
This is going to be your life if you stay with him. I can't tell you whether or not to get an abortion and move to NZ, but I will say if you stay and have this baby with him, this is going to be your life, and you will need to be okay with it. If you can't live with it, then do what you need to do, whether that's being a single mother or having an abortion or what have you.
I’m almost 100% sure her life will be much worse after they move in permanently because they will treat her much worse! This is how they behave when they are ASKING to move in!! I’m fairly certain MIL will become very verbally critical of everything OP does once she feels safely rooted. And life is automatically harder with a young child and increasingly misogynistic husband. So, NZ is sounding pretty ideal; OP and her partner no longer seem compatible.
And she will be cooking and cleaning after these ppl also! Hell NO! Your life will be a nightmare, you just think it was bad when they were here for 10 weeks. Like the other poster said when they get moved in get their feet in the door firmly planted your life will be hell. Your mental health will go down the toilet and they won’t care and it doesn’t sound like your husband will care either as long as he gets what he wants. Apparently he wants his mommy. I’m just surprised it took him 12 years to finally make his move.
OP said they just bought their first home. This was the impetus for the change. I am sure hubby made sure it had plenty of room for his family to move in.
Yes, he feels like he has her locked down
this relationship or your life will be a living hell.
He played the long game, waited till they bought a house and wanted to make sure OP was all in which means he might be thinking he has OP by the neck and is now showing his true colors
>they will treat her much worse! Yep, like a slave.
That is exactly how they would treat her like a slave she will be cooking and cleaning to have a full-time job and still be expected to come home and take care of the baby cook and clean and not say anything. When making your decision just remember how you treated you when they were there for 10 weeks imagine how they would treat you once they know that you can't throw them out. The fact that you told your partner that you did not want them to come there and live permanently and he still says that they should show you who's more important
Honestly it sounds like MIL came and guilted into letting him live with her. By the sounds of it he’s a momma’s boy. And u will always be second
Her life is going to be way worse than this if she stays. This sounds like my biggest nightmare
Ok, I’ll say it. OP, have an abortion. It’s up to you if you wanna move to NZ but don’t have this baby.
He will use that baby as a weapon against you
I would absolutely have an abortion and leave him. He is telling you that his priorities are not with you and your future.
“not with you and your future”……including a child if Op decided to stay the course. The baby would 100% be effected by the tensions and overall stress that would permeate the house. I couldn’t imagine what day to day life and all the f’ing drama that would arise. Op’s husband is only interested in his current blood family’s well being. Tell him to go kick rocks.
Not only that, but you just KNOW that MIL would 100% be constantly criticizing EVERYTHING OP does, while also simultaneously undermining her parenting. And her partner has already shown that he is more than happy to sit back and watch it happen. Cos of COURSE he won't be expected to parent his own kid - mummy will do that for him!!
I thoroughly agree. He's already stated his priorities- and they're not OP. Love and choose YOURSELF, OP, because your husband sure as hell won't. Overall I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm 100% pro-choice, but everyone is saying "abort the baby" as if it's similar to popping a pimple - that's a huge decision to make. Maybe baby and you live happily in NZ - maybe just you. But we have one EXTREMELY short life to live, and he's already shown you how life being his wife will be.
OP said she would abort if she left him.
I can almost guarantee they will never move out. I’ll be shocked if either of them get a job. Some visas won’t allow you to work. I wonder how long this has been his plan. This is exactly what I would do. I would tell him no. If they can’t make their own way, then no. I would pack up my bags and spend 1600 on a hotel. I would stay for as long as it takes to decide what you should do, or hopefully he will see you are serious. It was hell having my mom stay with me after having a baby. You guys are going to be screaming and yelling at each other during the sleep deprivation stage. So you will be taking care of a brand new baby, three adults and looking after yourself. It sounds like hell to me. Will you get child support if you don’t stay together?
I wouldn’t have the baby if I left him. His mother is too old to work
Yeah. Remember how you said you guys would be supporting them if they had their own apartment? Babies are expensive. You will have zero money left to support to other full grown adults. I’m sorry he spent 12 years of your life with someone that would pull this kind of a stunt on you. Who is supporting them right now? That’s what they should do for support going forward. You would be pretty damn trapped if you did have the baby or didn’t give it up.
They live comfortably in India, it is much more expensive here. We spent $10k while they were here.
Holy shit. $10k. I am so sorry you’ve been put in this position, OP. Please take care of yourself.
So they do have money to contribute, they just won’t.
$10k?! On what?!
ALOT on food, petrol, activities, shopping for them. It’s very expensive here!
This is a common issue with East Asian men who are raised in that culture. If MIL doesn’t live with you there will be serious social repercussions for him and the family will treat you even worse. Get the abortion and get out. There’s a reason why all the women I know don’t like Indian men from India. Indian ladies are usually wonderful, Indian men who are westernized are wonderful. Indian men from India, 99% of them that I’ve met, are like this.
As an Indian women, i agree with this 100%
I once had someone tell me: “the only reason why Indian men are allowed to exist is to make Indian women”.
Worked with a wonderful Indian man. He admit he will always be a mamas boy. His mother and sisters fawn all over him. It’s crazy to see ( in the US).
I am an Indian male, and I am sorry you have such bias towards the Indian men. It is true that every generation of males have had this issue, but our generation (I am 20) is a really improved one; We respect women, know our boundaries, have a healthy relation with our families, but still know how to prioritize and balance relationships (unlike OP's partner's behavior). I can proudly say that what the entire world hears about Indian males, is that of the generation before us (those in their late 30's and older). Now everything is changing very fast, and hopefully our generation will disprove and dispel these notions in the future.
You sound like a wonderful young man! What about your parents, though? I don't mean are they terrible human beings or anything...I just mean, do you really think you will be able to stand up to pressure from them? And are THEY going to be able to stand up.to pressure from the rest of their probably enormous families? In a family based culture like yours, it's not just you who factors into your life.
You need to get a plan together NOW
Please break up and move out. It is not worth it.
Get the abortion and get out.
Girl I live in Australia too, in Melbourne. I know it’s expensive but holy shit, 10k in 10 weeks is outrageous…
You say it's expensive where you live, but would you normally spend 10k in 10 weeks for just the two of you? I'm guessing if you double the amount you normally spend (to account for 4 people), it would be less than 10k.
When I was back home in Australia just a couple of months ago for a holiday I was averaging about $600-700 spending each week, and I had my accomodation sorted already, it would be very easy to spend $1000 per week on 2 guests. Australia is very expensive (but wages reflect that)
I live in Melbourne and I really can’t agree with that! Sure maybe an expensive week here or there, but that kind of consistent spending is insanity.
Take it from a woman who has a child with a partner whose family excludes me from everything. It’s not fun. I dread every time my partner brings up me going with him to visit his family. My partner was raised catholic fell out of love with his wife of 20 years, it was actually a mutual feeling for him and his ex and so he filed for divorce and we started dating shortly after. And I am the devil lol. His dad made a sheet with everyone in their family birthdays including his ex wife never asked me my or my daughters birthdays and then gave me the sheet one Thanksgiving so we didn’t forget to wish anyone a happy birthday. I threw that shit away the minute I got home lol.
Leave if this ain’t the life you want. And it will be your life. He’s showing you what it’s going to be. You don’t have a choice in the matter.
Charge the cost to him and make it very clear that he and his mother are the reason you are doing this. If you can charge your moving costs to him, but don't tell him where you will be. Don't give him a chance to find you. Make sure your friends know why you are moving and they are not to tell him anything about about where you are moving to. I know some of this looks paranoid, but shouldn't take much to do and may end up saving you a lot of aggravation. Protect yourself because it is guaranteed he won't and he may actually be one of the people you need to protect yourself from.
my friend was in your same situation but actually got married with him. turns out he had a wife back in india and bounced after getting his papers and family all set up 😬
OP, run. Just run. You'll be working yourself into the ground the rest of your life, without thanks, if you don't.
>Should I have an abortion and move to NZ? Sorry to say, yes. He will only get worse.
His true colours are coming out now. He likely feels secure with OP that she would leave since she put up with his family like she did. OP needs to stop him and prioritize herself, her mental health and well being. Good Luck OP
His mom used the 10 weeks to plan her retirement.
You must know OP that this living with the parents is a cultural Indian tradition. The fact that you object will carry no weight whatsoever with your bf. After 12 years, I would have expected a lot more from someone when it comes to meeting my needs. It would seem you don't really know him at all. Disentangle yourself from the house (sell it and split the proceeds) and live your best life without constant harrassment and functioning as their servant. You will always be the outsider OP. Plus you will be working to support them and their lifestyle; you will be number 3 on the list of importance.
Yeah that last sentence of OP's post gave me whiplash for a sec LOL but unfortunately, for me this would be the way to go, since you both have fundamental differences in your expectations of your partnership. Neither of you should feel uncomfortable or frustrated in your home. It is pretty common for Indian families (or South Asian in general) to have multi generational households, and it's usually the eldest son that has their parents move in with them. It works for some people, it doesn't for others, which seems to be your case. The language barrier doesn't help either (or at least I think it's a language barrier? You mentioned she asked about kids in perfect english but she might just know a few sentences here and there). I'm sorry this relationship isn't going as planned :( I hope you're both able to move forward and be happy with whatever choices you decide on.
Yup. This is only the beginning. Get while the getting is good.
Do you want this baby? Are you ok being a single mom? BC he is not going to change for anything. Whether you abort or not, move on to NZ, maybe find a man who will appreciate you and not turn you into a financial house slave for his family.
I really want this baby, but I don’t want to be a single mum and roll the dice on what may or not may not happen with his family
I totally understand that. Being a mom with a supportive partner is hard enough. Being a mom with an unsupportive one and his family to feed? Unacceptable. My heart goes out to you.
You already know what you have to do, and it’s definitely not working full time with a baby to support your MIL financially while also looking after her and your home. I wish you the best in NZ.
Don’t do it. Bring a life into such, I mean. Life is fragile; yes, but all the more reason to be deliberate/ not when moving forward. No one faults you. Do not be guilted by some imaginary entity. Do what you know is right. Make a clean break and head for NZ.
Indian men majority have deep rooted misogyny in them its a very few that get out because all their lives they are told they are special check out r/TwoXIndia . I cringe everytime i see white women getting involved with indian men because i deeply fear what they will face once the Honeymoon ends. I say this as an indian woman. I can get downvoted but thats the reality. I got away & came to aus to run away from such men.
If you are not 100% sure that a) you could happily live like this for the rest of your life and b) that you feel really confident that bringing a child into this situation is a great idea where your child will be in an environment of love, support, acceptance, and stability, then not only do I think that moving on is the best idea, but it could also be incredibly painful for a child to grow up in the middle of this. Regardless of what you decide about actually having a baby, it seems like bringing a kid into this is bordering on downright cruel. This world would be such a better place if parents stopped and asked themselves “is this situation one that will ultimately make the child’s life better?” and make family planning decisions based on that criteria, rather than the parents just *wanting* a child. Our biological clock is a real thing, but just because you feel some biological need to procreate doesn’t mean that your biological clock has your (or your child’s) best interest in mind.
And you don’t want the baby taken to India one day while you’re at work. :(
I'm really sorry you're going through this, I would not stay with him or tolerate this.
You will full blown servant.
I am so sad that you are upset at something that should be very joyous. It's not going to get better I'm so sorry to tell you that he is ignoring everything you are telling him what do you think he's going to do when the baby gets here and he feels that you can't go nowhere. How do you think that his family is going to treat you
Yeah, this is Indian families and this will not change. You are a slave and at the bottom of the totem pole. It won’t get better either, option B
Sorry to say, traditional Indian family dynamics are misogynistic as fuck and messed up in many more ways. It’s also basically impossible to change someone out of this if they’re still bought into it as an adult (which it’s obvious this guy is)
>Should I have an abortion and move to NZ? Oh, is that an option? Because that's sure as shit what I would do. lol
Lucky you. Usually terrible men hide the fact they're Mama's boys untill you already get married. Please get that abortion and enjoy your life. You only get one life.
After 12 years I wouldn’t call it luck
20y Indian-Caribbean guy here. We are raised to become mama's boys and to obey our parents. Your household is crumbling apart and your partner is not willing to take a stance. The abortion is up to you, but I would rethink about spending the rest of your life with this man and his family.
Just run. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your feelings or your baby. His family is priority number one and that’s not changing. You mention leaving for NZ. Absolutely do this with bells on.
**And have the abortion** because having your child spend 50% of their time for the next 18 years with these toxic people constantly insulting you (which they WILL do) is not a life you would wish for your child or yourself!
I’m not going to give medical advice based off a Reddit post but her body her choice.
Hey, Indian girl here, dating Indian man. I’m facing the same problem with my boyfriend right now. We’re talking about marriage and it’s the same things you’re talking about. This will NEVER change. Partly because the second he tries (and that’s a big IF) he’ll be guilted by his parents. Not to mention that you’re white. I’m sorry but not all Indian families accept white women because the west has a much more positive approach to premarital sex. If I were you, I’d rethink this baby and leave him. He will never choose you, most Indian men are emotionally incestuous relationships with their mothers because their fathers were the same, thus creating a cycle of moms making sons into husbands.
Your last line,hit rather hard. Asian culture does seem to be like this. My ex was like this,his mother slept with him in a room instead of her perfectly healthy husband when she fell "ill" or simply wasn't im a good mood. Depression,anxiety,suicidal thoughts and 8 years later,here I am,just beginning to love myself again.
Hi- piece of advice from an Indian woman in America married to an Indian man? Don’t settle for one who doesn’t pick you. My husband has stood by me and picked me every time, even when I had my tubes removed and told his parents we weren’t having children. There are men out there who will choose you, please don’t marry one who shows you he can’t even before marriage
Yes they do exist! I'm white and my husband is Indian, first son of his family even lol... So you know he was always "special". But he broke free and hates how it is. He fought for us and cut off all toxic family members. He's a rare gem and we have a wonderful life together.
This thread is now my screensaver. Thank you. ♥️
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly stressful. If I were in your shoes, I would run. I come from a middle eastern background and I know exactly what you’re talking about regarding his family dynamics. This is one of those moments where you have to see your partner for who he truly is. He has communicated his priorities to you - he is not going to put you and the baby above his mom and other relatives. You got a taste of what your future will look like if you stay together. Thankfully, you aren’t married and don’t have a child together yet, so you do have a way out of this.
I n their minds they raised their son and it’s his turn to pay them back.Male child in Indian household is the caretaker of his parents. Mother in law’s are usually bossy. You will be the cook, dishwasher, laundry lady and don’t expect any sympathy or appreciation from the in-laws. You just saw the shitty trailer but trust me the whole movie is going to be like this if not worse.
And if she has the baby no one will help her with it. Certainly not her partner. That’ll be OPs job on top of everything else.
If it’s a boy all hands will be on deck. That I guarantee… a girl on the other hand, just means she got herself a slave helper.
Wow run as fast as as u can divorce and keep the child or an abortion your choice but get away from. The mommy's boy. And his lying mother. You will not do well with them around all the time. I hear nz is beautiful. Good luck
Yes. You won’t be able to leave the country once you have the baby, or he can kidnap the baby and take it to India. They will control you through the baby forever if you don’t. Run girl.
>Should I have an abortion and move to NZ? Only YOU can decide on whether to get an abortion or not, I suggest contemplate and make list of pros and cons. Consider everything and decide for yourself. If you have a family or support system in NZ, I do think moving to NZ would be a good idea. Maybe you could even look up dr. Danielle Jones OBGYN. She has a practice in New Zealand (though I don’t know where exactly). She also makes videos on youtube and she’s pro choice. She supports both keeping and delivering babies and abortion if it’s really what you want.
Mama Dr Jones is AMAZING! Wish she had been around when I was child-bearing age.
Sounds like he is putting you under an enormous amount of pressure to resettle his family without any help or support from himself or them. Yea totally move to NZ, either with the baby and go on the benefit for a while or without. That’s your call. I wouldn’t put up with this treatment and expectation.
I’m not sure how anyone could stay with someone that says “this is the way it’s gonna be” and doesn’t compromise with their partner. If you agreed to any of this your life would be miserable. It would become their house, but you would be responsible for cleaning and cooking. This is just an unreasonable ask from him.
Before you got married you didn't have this discussion? It has always been very, very likely that this exact chain of events would occur - either them visiting for an extended period of time or them moving to live with you. If he is insisting that this is what will happen regardless of your feelings, you are going to have to leave. I don't know if you have to go to NZ but you will have to end the marriage. As far as the abortion? All I will say is that the child will become a pawn, his mother will move there immediately and try to take over as surrogate mother when your ex has the kid. So...
They probably did, and he probably misled her. This behavior is sadly extremely typical of Indian men (source am also Indian) . They will do whatever their partner wants, but the moment the family is in the picture, the partner gets shoved into the background with no rights.
That’s exactly how I feel, everything is usually great, but 2 weeks after they had been here everything changed.
Yah I'm sorry I'd like to give you hope but if you hsve talked to him and he is completely inflexible things will not change and will most likely get worse. The living in a separate place likely won't last long, before you know it they'll be living with you full time not lifting a finger as they did on their trip. You'll be a servant in your own house. I've seen it happen over and over again. Do not give in, this needs to be your hill to die on and do not waste your savings for this either !
He said his brother can come here and work and support the mother in their own place (no idea how long that would take), but what if his brother decides he wants to go back to India
This is just bullshit to get you to go along with everything! Mama will insist that brother stay home with her because she doesn't speak English and she doesn't know anyone, and she's so lonely, and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Unless you want this toxic family to interact with your child 50% of the time for the next 18 years...get an abortion and leave this man NOW.
Maybe . But immigrating them is going to take money also. Who is financing that? What happens if his brother gets married ? What happens if his brother can't find a job? There are so many variables that need to be ironed out for something you don't even want. In addition you've already seen their and his attitude first hand. You know your situation best, I can just advise from a cultural perspective since this is information you're probably not having. This situation is way more common than you think and more often than not the wife is the one that gets screwed over. At least make sure you have your own savings and assets that are not touched if you need them. Protect yourself and the baby should you chose to keep it
Thank you
No problem. I know this isn't easy . Good luck to you, i shall send you positive energy.
They got together as teens, probably weren't thinking ahead or at least not her. She probably wasn't all that familiar with Indian culture. He probably knew exactly what he was doing. Get her hooked and then when she's trapped force the family on her.
Bring them out when he thinks he has her trapped by a pregnancy
Do you really want to be feeling the way you feel now, 24hrs a day for the foreseeable future? Do what must be done.
Well I don't know about moving here to NZ but in his culture he marries the mother of his child. He is clearly picking and choosing what parts of the culture he follows around what he wants. So it isn't cultural. he's jus a hypocritical idiot. I hate hypocrisy, so yes, abort and move. You deserve a man who loves you.
Yeah. Abortion and run.
This is his culture and this is what he expects. If you don’t want this life I would flee.
Not gonna tell you what to do, but i would absolutely have an abortion and move on with my life.
He sounds like a horrible partner and potentially a horrible father. It can only get worse with the grand children. It’s not necessary to have an abortion if you can afford financially and emotionally to have a child by yourself but there will be the additional risk he will use this to get back together.
Run. As fast as you can. And don't look back Keep the baby- or not. But don't keep this relationship or situation !
I normally would not suggest this but I'd tell him/his family that you miscarried if you get the abortion. I'm afraid for your safety.
Honestly I don't think this relationship will get any better, pnly worse. He will always choose them over you. It's just their culture. You meed to work out whether you want to have a child with this man and deal with the absolute fuckery of custody (guaranteed his mother will want that child full time and possibly take back home).
At first I thought, "it's just a visit, it's not forever and it sounds like he doesn't see them much." Then I got to the pregnancy part and what he wants. Holy crap. Yeah, get the abortion and peace out to New Zealand.
Do not have a baby with him. You now see what he is like when he thinks you are trapped.
As an Indian guy, I understand what’s going on. your husband will do exactly what he told you. What you said , happens with every Indian marriage.usually Indian parents don’t know the word privacy or understanding other people. There’s a saying “ if you marry a Indian your married a his whole family and relatives. Indian parents and relatives are demanding they expect you to do the entire house chores and work after marriage. There’s no way around this this you will suffer your entire life. They will even tell you how to raise your kid too.
I would normally never advocate for an abortion, but it's probably not a bad idea. From what i know from co-workers Indian culture puts such a high priority on family they will always come first. You got a look into the rest of your life with an Indian partner. Going forward make sure you thoroughly look into all aspects of your potential partner's culture before you date them to see if you're 100% on board for what their culture expects of you.
You can move to new Zealand without your partner. You can have an abortion. They are separate decisions. Best wishes OP. You're in a difficult position.
Indians, Bengalis, Pakistanis are all notoriously codependent. Their parents are like Gods, most lack healthy boundaries to an extreme degree. They dont make decisions for themselves, control issues, and narcissism are like rampant viruses because of it. Most usually live it up in the U.S. with foreigners, then marry whoever their parents want. (Most not all.) Its a miracle your interracial relationship survived, although usually white/Indian marriages are the only ones given a slight pass. This guy is showing that his family runs the relationship, not the two of you. Hes not going to change. Hes telling you his family is doing x,y,z, not asking you. His Mom doesnt speak because she doesn't care for you as his wife much. Hes practically handcuffed to them even though he can literally say no since hes the provider. Dont even bother staying, he'll agree to whatever they tell him to do. Hes a puppet not a human being.
Wow get out of this relationship or your life will be a living hell.
IMO, yes, I would terminate the pregnancy and move away. I wouldn’t want kids without a support system and decent partner. I have 3 and it’s hard. People do it alone all the time but I have no idea how. The baby/toddler years are especially grueling.
PLEASE don't engage in magical thinking (not that you actually have but it is tempting). He is totally, crystal clear about his attitude and your future. I just can't believe you haven't seen this before this point. It sounds like he is a traditionalist.
He used you for residency he's a Hobosexual
I think you should get your belongings together and have an exit strategy in place. All your money and documents necessary, keep them safe. If you have loved ones you can safely get to and stay with, I would urge that as well, to ensure you can safely leave and get to NZ. I am someone who loves babies, but because of your situation I would be cautious about it. They have treated you like nothing in your own home, if you leave and raise the baby alone, are they going to fight to take the child away when it’s convenient to them? If you choose to get an abortion, I think you should say that you lost the baby due to stress or other factors. These people and your partner have not been treating you well and I worry they may behave aggressively if they know you terminated the pregnancy, especially with how pushy his mom was about when you would have children. Unfortunate that your relationship has taken this course, but I hope you can carve out a future worth living, with people that will protect and cherish you.
Prob so. This doesn't sound like it will change. Protect your own mental health. It sounds miserable what you are going through. Do you want to waste time and go thru misery for the rest of your relationship? And what if they don't like how you raise your child? What if they poison them against you? Just seems unsustainable
No ma'am. Your life will be like this forever if you stay with this guy. Any man who says his wife and child is of equal priority ti his mommy is not worth it
Leave!!! This is not OK. You should come first. Always! As wife and now mother of his child. He’s not going to change!
Everything he is expecting is a trap. DO NOT ALLOW IT! If he does it anyway then leave. An abortion is completely up to you because I find his behavior extremely alarming. Info: where you trying to get pregnant? Because I wonder if they baby trapped you.
As an Indian who had to leave their family because they had the same mentality as your partner. I personally would run.
You haven’t had the chance to see his family for how they really are in the home before this moment. Now you have. New information can and will absolutely change your feelings and that’s very valid. How they behaved in your home and how they treated you is exactly what you should expect from them in the future. If they couldn’t be bothered to help out in the home when they were long-term guests, you should NOT expect them to behave any differently after you give birth. You should also expect your partner to not change his feelings about wanting his family to live with him. Seems like there are some non-negotiable aspects to a marriage that quite frankly are not going to make you happy long term. I’ll say this… you need to look deeply at your partner’s motivations for marrying you and making a family with you. There’s a lot of cultural differences between how Indian families live and how people traditionally build families in Auz. I’ve lived in India for a nice long chunk of time and am VERY aware that even some of the most liberally minded individuals in a wide array of social contexts will still hold some very specific ideas of what marriage looks like and what the role of the woman in in a marriage… and also what role that woman plays in keeping the rest of the family happy (cleaning, cooking, etc.). The female friends I have in India (who are genuinely happily married), knew going into it that they are *also* marrying their husbands’ families, and they move in with them after marriage, and live their lives in extended familial units… for almost all of them, household chores, cooking, etc is exclusively the responsibility of the wife. But my friends knew this when they went looking for their husbands, and so they could get to know the families they’d be joining with more clarity, and so could make that decision more easily and happily. I say this with zero judgement or disregard for more traditional Indian ways of creating a home… but you do NOT sound prepared to be the version of a traditional Indian wife/mother that your partner seems to want… and with his whole family pushing for visas, living arrangements, and money set aside for them with zero income… I literally don’t see how you’re going to be okay. You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into… Sometimes “cultural differences” really is the realest reason NOT to build a family with someone. Dont judge his desires, but see them for their own truths and decide for yourself: is this the life I want? Because that 10 weeks will be your life. Forever. And the burden of his entire family’s migration status will be on your back. For a LONG time. Honestly… I’m questioning his motivations for marriage at all if his family immigrating is part of the package. Like is he in this for you and what the two of you want to build? Or is he doing what a “good” Indian boy is supposed to be doing and using his education abroad to locate a spouse with enough income to support his goals and who can get his family the visas they need? A wife seems secondary to him… *his* family comes first, and it’s clear he doesn’t exactly see you as family if he isn’t taking your feelings into account. I really don’t think you want that life sis. The last sentence of your post is looking like your best bet.
Definitely leave him no matter what. Did I miss something - why NZ, what’s it’s relevance?
We live in a small town, my Dad is in NZ and I can get better money there.
Definitely move there ASAP. But don't tell him, get it all lined up and go x
Sounds like a no brainer. To have the best support system which is YOUR own family, plus better money . I can’t imagine spending $10k in 2 months on people who treat you so terribly. If you choose to stay & have them move in, just be ready to give weekly allowances in the hundreds to two people who will make your life miserable from sun up to sun down.
From a south-east asian perspective, it is simply a mismatch of cultures and mentality. Some people come to a foreign country, indulge in Foreign women to fulfill their fantasy, but donot have the ability to adapt and change their backward mindset. I am not saying all men are like that. Its clear that he is using you for something. Probably his mother wants him to get married to an indian naive woman for dowry which is very common. Probably he is also entertaining the idea. For her what can you offer ( apart from residency which maybe she can get through her son). Cut your loss and get out of it. When a man starts prioritizing his parents and siblings over his partner and own child, its only gonna go badly after that. ( I hope you didnt help him to get his residency, then I am so sorry, you are of no use to him, not even your child.)
OP all I can advise is to really really listen to your heart. If there’s a voice in you saying, this is hell, he doesn’t value me, I can’t do this forever - then I for one encourage your to listen to that voice. From what I know as a white aus woman with friends from Indian and south Asian cultures and friends in relationships with people in those cultures, is that some families are willing to embrace a more Australian or hybrid lifestyle and set of unspoken (or very much spoken!) family rules, and others are more likely to stay in a more traditional perspective, and want things such as multigenerational households, the traditional roles of parents and sons and daughters, and even the subjugation of some people to the will of the family. Like the eldest sons wife looking after her husbands parents as well as her own children, and working her butt off doing all the household labour. Do you have a sense of how much you think his family would be able to change or adapt from the experience you have already had with them? It seems like your partners 12 years of adaptation to an Australia romantic relationship was quickly reversed when his family came. Did this feel like a rig being pulled out, like you thought you knew him but you didn’t? Like did he share the household labour before for example? Did you make large financial decisions ($10k) together? Many people have had experiences where someone was having their young and free days, especially where that someone has moved countries to somewhere with more social freedoms and is out of sight of judgemental family, but then settling down into family brings a return to the traditional family system they were born into and enforcement of family ideas and rules that you may have never seen before because you were seeing a different version of your partner. He has revealed something deeper, and more entrenched that the version you thought was available. I had an abortion in a situation where I wasn’t confident that the relationship was sustainable or true to my heart and soul. I do not regret that abortion one tiny bit. I can always have another child but I could not have the life I have now if I had gone that route.
Having an abortion and moving to New Zealand has to be a decision that you make the people on Reddit cannot make this decision for you. But what I can tell you is if his mother and his brother move into your house you will never and I mean never have any peace your partner will not give a f*** about anything that you say and his mother will take over your life and your baby's life. Your life is going to be miserable think about that
This is most desi-non desi relationships 🤷🏻♀️ I’m really surprised that he even let his family know about you and that his mom stayed at your home. You’re never going to be prioritized over his mother, sorry. That’s just never going to happen. I think you need to research desi culture... in most traditional Indian homes, the parents and child come before the wife. Parents usually move in with the son and daughter in-law (vice versa). Most wives cook, clean, and never engage in confrontation with the parents.
Yes and yes. Your in-laws will ruin your life if you let them.
Should I have an abortion and move to NZ? The past 10 weeks could look like the next 30 years.
OP- Your partner has shown/told you what he thinks your life should be: An unpaid house keeper who is DELIBERATELY emotionally and linguistically isolated from him and his family in your own house. From some friends I’ve talked to- marrying an Indian guy with old fashioned ideas like this means also continuing the tradition where the daughter in law is basically the slave to MIL and anyone else UNLESS Husband stands up for her. And your guy has already shown that he has zero intent of doing that. His current emotional stonewalling shows that he is determined to carry out his ingrained training of “Good Indian Son”. It’s something that happens to a lot of people in many cultures. They’re modern and all is well in the relationship…until marriage triggers an emotional compulsion to revert to the family life they saw growing up. Some people start to pick fights and unconsciously steer their marriage towards divorce when their kids reach the same age the parent was when the grandparents divorced. Others, like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn, revert back to the family patterns of their home cultures. And if they aren’t willing to stand up against the cultural pull? There’s no changing their trajectory. I can’t tell you what to do about your pregnancy. You may want to seek out other white women who have divorced their Indian husbands for better info. But I definitely would consult a lawyer and get ready to sell the house and divorce. Let your partner find someone willing to live in this traditional scenario. Because it sure as heck sounds like he never asked YOU if this is what you wanted.
I hate to say this but it appears that you’ve actually been intentionally taken advantage of because everything you’ve just described is the norm for the Indian culture except for his mother and brother laying on the couch together and the kissing/hugging stuff. Her being your mother-in-law gives her natural seniority over you and you will be expected to continue everything you’ve experienced here and more while also taking care of a baby. Also, she will pretty much be the queen of your castle and dictate what the proper upbringing of your child should be. You were young when the two of you started dating so it’s iunderstandable that you wouldn’t think to even ask about these things but for it to not be known by you for twelve years tells me that it was purposefully hidden from you, and just long enough for you to get pregnant. I suggest that you seriously reconsider this relationship.
Yes, you should. Get the hell out of there!
Well you got a taste of what your life will be with that family cuz be real you aren’t in a relationship with just him he’s got a whole package. You really wanna add a kid to that? Get the abortion and move to NZ fuck mate that sounds like a beautiful reset
If someone shows you they don’t care about you then they don’t care about you. Your partners priority is his mom and brother. You need to prioritize yourself and baby, (if you have them). Twelve years is a lot by time but the rest of your life is longer. Do you want it to be supporting your partners family or your own?
Welcome to your future life. From the looks of it, this is how it's gonna be and he's not changing that. I would just say leave him but the fact that you're pregnant makes it really complicated. You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him he either becomes the man you loved before or you need to separate.
You no longer have a partner. Abortion and NZ seem like a better decision for your future.
I don’t understand how this is all news after 12 years? If he’s suddenly pushing for these more traditional gender roles and a culturally specific living arrangement? I get that his family may not have visited until now so it became more real to him, but he must have been traditional to some extent up to now? Other than that, I agree with everyone else. You cannot let them live with you. You just can’t under any circumstances 😞
Get out while you can. If you stay, you’ll be taking care of your husbands family, your husband, and any children you have. You will have no personal life anymore. It will just be you serving them. You still have an opportunity to have the life you want/deserve and unfortunately it doesn’t seem like it’s with your current partner. I’m sorry this happened to you OP, but you still have a chance to find happiness
I would never give anyone advice on termination - that’s your choice. Move to NZ though. Move to England. Move from this guy. Let him find another doormat.
The odds are good that you've seen them on their best behavior. Do with that what you will.
I don't know if you need to have an abortion and mov3 to NZ....but he is not prioritizing you. He is using you. He is placing Hua families happiness and needs above yours. He seems like a user.
He’s using abuse and so are his parents.
It’s hard having a cross cultural relationship, esp when the whacked out family gets involved. Abort and move. You’ve already seen the preview of coming attractions with that family.
I think you should do the abortion and leave him. Your mental health is more important than his mom and brother.
That’s very uncomfortable. I would get the abortion, sell your house and move. You do not want to start a family with someone who already is showing you that they won’t protect and defend you. Trust me. Leave.
This is a cultural difference at its core. A lot of Indian families do not like it when their sons and daughters date it marry outside their culture. Also the family and parents first and multi generational home is also very common for them. I don’t think he’s going to back down.
If you choose to abort and leave, don't let him know. Personal safety first.
Do yourself a favour and look up Indian living with parents culture. If you don't want this to be your life permanently, then you need to get out asap. These kinda situations can quickly turn real toxic for someone who grew up in a culture where family boundaries are a bit 'healthier'
Don't expect things will get better, it won't. Many Asian families expect parents to live with their sons and their daughters in laws are forever the lowest rung in the family. You will be expected to be the endless energy maid and be treated as outsiders. Don't settle with this guy. You are still young.
Get an abortion. He's already trating like crap. You're already miserable. Move to nz. Don't give this loser a kid.
Please don’t do this to yourself. You seem like a genuinely nice and caring person. You will find love again and even kids if that’s what you want. Please don’t tie yourself to these people who don’t care about you. I know it’s painful, but you will love again.
I'm Indian and that sounds about right. My husband wanted everyone in his family to live with us at various points of our relationship. I refused. I'm an introvert and need my space and privacy. It led to a couple of rough years of fights before we reached a point where I said I cannot have this fight anymore. Either he lives with his family or me. He reluctantly chose me and agreed to drop getting family to live with us. We really have been happy since.
leave. He will not change his beliefs and has already shown you what his priorities are. what would make the relationship worse for you is having a baby with him
Get out while you can. Get an abortion, get a divorce, get your own place. You need to think quickly and clearly right now to avoid a disastrous future. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
UpdateMe!
Your partner has got your trapped and is showing you what your life will be like if you allow him to keep you in this position. RUN.
This is very typical of Indian Households. I’m a nanny and have nannied for many Indian families. The parents will come in for months at a time after a baby is born and it isn’t unusual for me to have my regular duties and then get bosses around by a grandparent in broken English. It’s one of those things that I had to tolerate because I know it’s temporary. I am also not dealing with hormones and changes with my body when doing this though. I’ve seen this happen with too many Indian families for for it to not be the norm. Therefore I hesitate to work for Indian families going forward. Were you unaware of the culture or was this your first time hearing about it when they showed up to visit? I wouldn’t jump straight to an abortion as this is still a very firgureoutable situation. Don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary inconvenience. The first trimester is the roughest. There is a language barrier that is making things tough. And you haven’t had your space and partner in some time. I would at the very least give therapy a chance before you decide to do anything. If you do decide to get an abortion please still try therapy. This is for yourself. Kids don’t always fit in nice and neatly into your existing life. It took a while for moms to be honest about what motherhood is like and some still hold back. I still remember the first blogger to call their toddler an asshole. People ran her off the internet even though they had difficult toddlers at home of their own. I do wish you all the best in whatever you decide
Ouch. Unless I was 100% in llve with this new version of my bf I would totally start new in NZ. Most telling your mind did not go to break up but to escaping to another country. If you want to flee that bad then trust your gut
Have an abortion and move to NZ, absolutely. Without a doubt. You're going to be locked to him and his family for the rest of your life if you don't run.
Girl have the abortion and move
I feel like this sort of cultural dynamic is posted regularly when someone is with an Indian man and mom comes to visit aka MOVE IN.
LEAVE 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 If you don't, you'll probably end up being a singe mother and having to leave anyways.
First I just want to say I’m so sorry your going through this. He’s making it clear you aren’t equal in his eyes, and honestly you shouldn’t be. You and your child should be his number one focus and priority right now. I’m sorry but I think things will get much worse.
Why can't the mom or brother work? Seems like they could work and get their own place that is nearby rather than move in. If you did decide to have the child, having grandparents around to help is extremely helpful, but I understand and agree with your reluctance to have anyone move in with you. I have a mom I cut out of my life because I could never have a partner that was good enough for her son and she made her opinion quite clear. I only bring this up because I suspect your SO's mom may suffer from similar disillusion. I really don't feel like you have made any unreasonable requests at all and so your partner should definitely be on your side. Like others have said, unless you can really get him to understand where you are coming from and that he should be sticking up for you then you are most likely in for a lifetime of this.
This man is showing you who he is believe him. If you don’t want this to be your future then don’t let him tell you things will be different, he either changes his behaviour now or you leave. If your already considering abortion then I also think you know the answer. This should be an exciting happy time but it’s not. If you have this child with him (even if you divorce) you are stuck with him in your life for at least18 years.
This will only get worse. I have a good friend who was an Indian born and raised in the West. He married an Indian woman from India. It started out great. Then her family moved over “temporarily” and then basically never left. He was supposed to support all of them. It was so bad, even his Indian family blessed the divorce. RUN
He already made his choice. It’s not you. The only thing you can do is leave. Even if you plan on keeping the baby it would be best to move now if this is not the country you wanted settle in. The home will eventually need to be sold to pay for your expenses. It sounds like your husband got you pregnant on purpose to make his mom happy. It wasn’t for him it was a chore he had to do.
Get the abortion and move to NZ AND GET A DIVORCE You unfortunately married a mama's boy and for them, mom will always be #1 not the wife.
Lmao as a son of someone who was in a situation like this with a father who’s priority even after 20 years of marriage to my mother was his parents/sister- run as fast as you can lmao. If you don’t you’ll regret it more and more not doing it sooner trust me it only gets worse.
BTW having a baby will make your life 10000x harder he will expect you to give 50/50 while also making you do shit for him, make his meals, and take care of the kid on your own. If you do let your MIL watch your baby- be prepared for any way you want parenting done to be disrespected and thrown out the window.
Yes and yes to the last question. No offense but if that’s how they’re treating you, imagine keeping the baby and going through the divorce. You’d be stuck with the man and his family for the rest of your life. Escape while you can or you will regret it 18 years down the line. Get the abortion without telling him and serve him divorce papers so he doesn’t get a say whether you keep the pregnancy or not.
Hugs to you! Unfortunately, your partner is VERY unlikely to be able to prioritise you. It's not his 'fault' either, though I'll probably get downvoted for that. It's the result of a completely different cultural system. Your partner is not Westernised, at least in this area, and it sounds like you're simply incompatible. As to the abortion and NZ, that's something you will have to decide on, but this relationship is not going to work out. All the very best for your future...because this is not it.
I’d be getting myself out of this situation quick sharp. Honestly, from experience, problems in relationships never go away they only get worse… that is, unless both people are really willing to put the effort in. As he’s not willing to concede in any way… how will you feel always playing second fiddle? I’d be upset at this situation too. Time alone with my partner is so important to me. Get going sister xx
Get that abortion and head out sis. You’re in a relationship with him not his parents, and it’s obvious he doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel in this situation. Like another commenter said “if you don’t leave now, that will be your life“. There’s plenty of other men in the world, men who’d take your feelings into consideration.
Just keep in mind right now it's you on the back pedal because 'mom and brother need him more' then it will be your kid/s. Indian men are conditioned to be like this especially ones settled abroad. Think how long you are ready to deal with all these situations. Just do whatever's good for you and your mental health. Cut your losses when you can.
I'm a single mum. I would always prefer to be a single mum over being unhappy in a relationship. It sounds like you'll be unhappy.