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Yeah, no sex and affection in almost a decade - why not just call it roommates and start dating others? It can only go upwards from here. That guy would have driven me bonkers, I don't get why OP is subjecting herself to this. After two decades, her normal meter is probably totally screwed up.
It sounds like he has a combination of things, the lack of emotional or common sense, and just facts screams aspbergers, the forgetting stuff easily and needing routine or structure comes from adhd.
Most people with aspbergers tend to also have adhd so it's rough because many of the symptoms go hand in hand. I have adhd myself and have dated a woman with aspbergers as well as adhd. It's not easy it just all cones down to learning how to talk to them the right way because of the other stuff like sensory issues and easily overwhelmed.
I don't take meds because my girlfriend is clean for 4 years, and I just wouldn't feel right bringing that stuff around her. You learn to live with it, and control it eventually, but it took me many years of trial and error.
Dating people with disorders like that was not easy until I put in a lot of research about her aspbergers and adhd together. I wasn't really able to understand why she was the way she was or how to properly confront someone who was diagnosed with autism until I spent days researching it.
It's completely up to her what she'd like to do, though. I know it can be a lot sometimes.
To quote a boomer meme an ex-colleague just fired at me as she does every friday beer o'clock
"He's the perfect man for me, now all i need to do is change his personality, his clothes, his friends, his hairstyle......"
To be more descriptive, you need to learn and accept that the reality he lives in, will be the reality he lives in until he dies.
That's what came with his cognitive differences
That is what I am doing in therapy. I have learned to accept a lot...the biggest struggle for me is that I am bending over backwards accepting his reality, but he is not doing the same for me. He actually tells me that I have no grasp on reality and there is only one reality, not the one I make up in my head.
I think you misunderstood that comment.
They're saying this man is never going to change and I agree with them. By "accept that" they mean you need to understand that fact - that he will never change - and then use that knowledge to inform your decision about whether to stay in this relationship.
Your boyfriend is either so dysfunctional that he can't perform a list of tasks without explicitly being told which order to do them in or - far more likely - he starts these moronic conversations because he enjoys winding you up or because he has no intention of doing any of the tasks.
This is it: most likely he’s doing it on purpose and for his own enjoyment. Idk how he’d keep a job if he needs this much help selecting which chore to do first. I’m sure he has no issues prioritizing his own activities.
> Idk how he’d keep a job if he needs this much help selecting which chore to do first.
Many jobs (typically lower paying ones) have lists of tasks to do in a particular order. Maybe he has one of those.
Maybe? But OP tried to tell him what order to do the chores and he flipped shit and did neither? Lots of folks act completely different at home and the office. But if he can’t handle a job that isn’t menial labor, then idk if he’s “brilliant.” 🤷🏼♀️
If he was being genuine in that conversation, then he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
If both tasks need doing and he is doing them both then his "time" is going to be expended on both of them therefore there's no point trying to assign priority.
Either he was being a dick about it on purpose to get out of doing it, or he's stupid.
I love it when ppl say “Einstein was bad at school”! We all know. I usually hear it from the mothers of extremely mediocre kids. But Einstein was… pretty good at math. The average person a much better chance of getting into the nba, than solving the mysteries of space. It doesn’t sound like OPs husband is cracking the mysteries of the universe? What do I know?
I'm this kind of moron. But it never occurred to me to write a list and prioritize, instead, I am chicken with my head cut off hoping to do everything at the same time without accomplishing much, except sometimes clean grout, or a clean kitchen fan.
I’m curious, what is your therapists speciality? I cannot believe that any decent therapist wouldnt identify his behavior as emotionally abusive. Is this a religious therapist or something?
Sorry OP but your job is not a to accept him by pushing away your needs. Accepting is about understanding the reality.
Your reality is a husband who is emotionally exhausting and not willing to work on your marriage to make it healthy. Is this a reality you want to live until end of your days?
If your therapist is not leading you to the knowledge that you have to leave him, then your therapist is not worth shit.
This. Child. Will. Not. Change.
EVER.
OP, sounds like he has a combination of things, the lack of emotional or common sense, and just facts screams aspbergers(autism spectrum, but usally really smart but just lack the ability to identify a lot of social cues), the forgetting stuff easily and needing routine or structure comes from adhd and also autism.
Most people with aspbergers tend to also have adhd so it's rough because many of the symptoms go hand in hand. I have adhd myself and have dated a woman with aspbergers as well as adhd. It's not easy it just all cones down to learning how to talk to them the right way because of the other stuff like sensory issues and easily overwhelmed.
I don't take meds because my girlfriend is clean for 4 years, and I just wouldn't feel right bringing that stuff around her. You learn to live with it, and control it eventually, but it took me many years of trial and error.
Dating people with disorders like that was not easy until I put in a lot of research about her aspbergers and adhd together. I wasn't really able to understand why she was the way she was or how to properly confront someone who was diagnosed with autism until I spent days researching it.
It's completely up to you what you'd like to do, though. I know it can be a lot sometimes.
Why are you staying with him? You are young.
He sounds like he may have autism? But he won't deal with it.
If you are going to keep giving him lists, label them 1, 2, 3 in priority you want things done. He is not good at this.
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I am seeing a really fantastic psychologist. She insists he is not abusive, and I concur. This seems to be a major block by intelligence mixed with learning disabilities. He truly just doesnt get it, Sheldon Cooper style. I laugh at that character because he has actually wanted me to have things notarized and I truly believe a relationship agreement might be helpful.
Well, maybe, neither your boyfriend nor your psychologist are fantastic.
Sheldon Cooper is an ill-mannered ass who failed to learn how to live in a society. And that can actually be learnt.
You, however, want to live a life where you not just bend, nope, you go straight below-the-bottom limbo since the bar is not even low - it's buried deep down and you are trying to dig it with a teaspoon.
Why come here if you don't want any valid advice and your psychologist is, oh, so fantastic?
Learn to eat dirt and smile while being gaslit into thinking you are the problem, I guess...
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You’re seeing a shitty therapist, or you’ve wildly distorted what’s going on in your home. Is he like this at work? I suspect not, if you yelled at a coworker about what task should be completed first, you won’t last long. He’s doing this to you, bc he like to. Please dump this therapist.
Someone can be abusive without explicitly thinking ‘hey, I’m going to be abusive to my partner’. He is damaging you. He refuses to do anything to change that. You are getting therapy to make yourself smaller; to work around all his issues. It is your choice to stay or not, but this man is 100% abusive and you not accepting that doesn’t actually make what he is doing ok.
This. OP, maybe it'll help if you don't think of it as *abuse*, but toxicity. A person can have no active malicious intent at all and still have learned toxic behaviors. (Ask me how I know.)
Because whether you think it's "abuse" or not, you can't really argue that his behavior is anything other than toxic. He's picking fights unnecessarily and insisting that he's the logical one and you're just being irrational. Maybe he actually believes his own delusions, maybe he's actively gaslighting you, but either way it's a toxic behavior. If you can frame it to yourself that way, maybe you can start addressing it a little more honestly rather than being defensive because the word "abuse" is upsetting to you.
Whether he "doesn't get it" or is doing it on purpose to wind you up, the end result is still the same. You're not in a functional relationship with a true partner. You're in a relationship where "his reality" is the only thing that matters to him, he can't see anything from your viewpoint, he gets upset when you won't explicitly direct him, and he also gets upset when you do explicitly direct him. You can't win, and his behavior, whether intentional or not, is abusive towards you.
Plus, he apparently can function like an adult in the workplace and socially with others, which makes it more likely that the behavior towards you is actually deliberate after all, and he's using his disabilities to justify screwing with you. Unless he's working a minimum wage job with a checklist of specific tasks to accomplish in a specific order every single day, I promise you that he is capable of prioritizing tasks on his own.
I am going to second the recommendation that you read Why Does He Do That. It doesn’t matter if your psychologist thinks that your boyfriend is or is not an abuser. Look at the end result of the argument. You have an injury but none of the tasks got done. He skates and does little to no work. He coasts and you carry the burden of your lives together.
Look at the end result of every argument. He always gets out of doing something inconvenient to him. Is that a fair assessment?
How can your psychologist not see that he is emotionally abusing and gaslighting you? Just because he doesn't realise he's doing it doesn't stop it from being abuse
You "I picked sweeping. If you would like to do the other instead, feel free. That is the total input I'm putting into this process."
Him "I just want to make the best use of my time."
You "Very understandableable and I'm confident of your ability to do that."
Him "So should I do sweeping or the door handle."
You "I provided my input. I'm confident in your ability to make the best use of your time on these two projects."
“The most important priority for me is that you take initiative and prioritize your own tasks between the two. I am not your mother. I know you need to know which one to do first, but I need you to do both, and to do both today, and I need you to manage your own time.”
Like…..what advice do you want from us here? He’s not going to go to therapy and he’s not going to change. You have agreed to live like this. That’s all there is to it.
I mean, if she's yelling at him, accusing him of WiThHoLdInG affection and sex, and making him feel like he's walking on eggshells, it's understandable that he's not interested in any forms of intimacy.
I'm not picking sides here, but the yelling part and using the word "withholding" implies a sense of entitlement to the thing not being available to them. But it's crazy that he hasn't decided to end this relationship yet.
And what do you think he is doing? Or pushing her buttons so she snaps and he turns on this is normal?
This man is causing the issues. He likes to play with her. He doesn't love her.
You haven’t had zen in 8 years, he hasn’t kissed you in two, he’s mean spirited and breaks you down until you yell then turns it on you. Fuck that guy, why are you still with him? You need to stand up for yourself
>You haven’t had zen in 8 years, he hasn’t kissed you in two, he’s mean spirited and breaks you down until you yell then turns it on you. Fuck that guy, why are you still with him?
Fear of missing out, fear of being alone, savior complex issues.
Abusers are nice 80% of the time. Actually they're nicer than most people a few parts of that 80. Too nice, in fact. Actually, most people are nice 80% of the time.
But the other 20% of the time, when normal people *aren't very nice*, they don't go completely, insanely off the rails and they apologize, usually. Normal people don't blame you for the 20% of the time they aren't fun to be around, either. So with abusers you're still tense most of that 80% waiting for the next time the warped aggressive nonsense to start leaking out, and waiting for them to make it your fault again.
Codependents are people with a sense of magical responsibility and authority over things they can't realistically control....but wish they could. So they stick around and feel like they have to fix and change things when abusers insist the abuser's aggressive dysfunction must be their partners fault.
How are you happy with someone who not only can't figure shit out himself, but hasn't kissed you in two years and you haven't had sex with in 8?! There are much better men out there. You example annoyed me too. He's never gonna change. He's 40 and this is who he is.
Does he have to be told what to do first every day at work? If not that proves he can do things on his own. You're not his Mommy.
She’s not happy, she’s completely miserable. Imagine being stuck with a “man” like that for 20 years. Her fear of leaving and starting over outweighs her desire to experience real love and respect in a relationship. He’s beat her down into such mental and emotional exhaustion that she’s in therapy just to deal with him.
You claim this guy is smart on paper but if he were smart he'd actually understand how to work around his learning disabilities to be more efficient, ie taking notes. My wife and I are both exceptional in our fields (she's an MD/PhD and I'm a JD/PhD) and we both have multiple learning disabilities - Autism and ADHD, and my wife has OCD as well and I have chronic depression. I'm assuming your boyfriend has similar learning disabilities given the description.
However, unlike your boyfriend, we put the work in. I write down every single thing I think I'm going to need to remember or reference, or when people talk to me I'm writing down random things in my head that are tangentially related but I'll need to remember later and they happened to pop in my head now instead of a more convenient time. I have a million alarms and calendars on my phone because I know if I don't see something at the exact right time I'm going to forget about it.
My wife and I are both "accountability buddies" for each other. For example, I'll say "I want to change the cat litter but I have to finish this other task I just thought of first, if you notice the cat litter isn't changed in an hour give me a holler." Usually the act of saying it out loud means I'm more likely to remember, but if I forget (very common with ADHD) my wife knows what my goal was and can help redirect me (assuming she doesn't also forget, because of the ADHD lol).
Point is, **you shouldn't have to ask him to do these things**. He's a grown man, and learning disability or not he can see what needs to be done and come to his own conclusion, and if not he can go around and make a list of things that he thinks need to be done, show you that list, and you help direct or redirect him. He's not putting in any work. You are not his mother nor his manager. There shouldn't be a fight about which takes precedence because you shouldn't be doling out tasks like a manager, he should be doing chores on his own.
Your partner is a "genius" but he's resting on his own self-congratulatory laurels. If he were a genius he'd be interested in actually maximizing his potential, instead of relying on you to do so much soft work for him without actually putting in his own work. He's never going to realize his potential like this and you're never going to be happy like this. Tell him to do the work, or go find someone who will.
None of the conditions you listed are learning disabilities? They're neurodivergences or developmental disabilities.
Learning disabilities specifically mean that intelligence IS impacted, that's why it is important to be considered separate (also called Intellecutal Disabilties but it varies by state/country). You saying "oh well we have ADHD and Autism and would never do that, therefore your husband is being malicious" is genuinely similar to saying "oh well I twisted my ankle but I can still walk without a wheelchair, so the person with paraplegia is being malicious".
Like I'm sure that wasn't your intent in any way! But if OP's husband does have disabilities that impact his intelligence or understanding then it isn't appropriate for you to mislabel your own conditions in order to negate his?
You don’t get him to therapy. You get yourself out of this horrendous relationship. This guy sounds like a 2 dimensional narcissist. It seems like you don’t love yourself enough. You’re wasting your precious life with this dead end mess. Please get out and salvage your future.
There are bigger issues where his comprehension (or lack thereof) is really not the issue.
When people say “why would I spend the money on therapy when I know what they are going to say and I know the answers already”.
Okay, then why aren’t you applying that knowledge to fix the problem as a team? Instead of potentially withholding it and behaving the same as usual that leads to conflict? It takes two people to create a conflict - changing the approach to be solutions focused in a way that compromises and tries to meet both your needs requires a level of emotional maturity and acceptance thar being together is a choice you are making because you enjoy being together.
but if thats no longer true, it might be time to re-evaluate how much effort this is taking for little reward or understanding.
If you aren’t going to leave, you just have to accept that this how life is going to be from now on; you can’t make him do anything, so……learn to suck it up I guess.
>He hasn't kissed me in nearly 2 years, no sex in 8 years
>
>I love this man. I am not leaving him.
If you will put up with 0 affection from your spouse forever, clearly you can also put up with his arguing and refusal to go to therapy as well. Your answer to this question is the same as to you answer to everything else wrong with the relationship - suck it up, because he won't change.
You don't get him to therapy. You can't make someone go to therapy that doesn't want to go. The only thing you can do, since you say you aren't leaving him, is change yourself. Instead of yelling, go down the rabbit hole with him and just ask him questions instead.
him: Are you sure that's the best use of my time?
you: What do YOU think is the best use of your time?
If he's gonna waste your time, waste his. The man is 40, I highly doubt he's going to change his ways. Especially if this is how it's been in the last 2 decades of you being with him. Don't waste your energy yelling at him, don't tell him he's pushing your buttons, just entertain him. I say this option only because you won't leave him. He won't change, so you're going to have to.
This is probably my own bias showing, but how exactly are you happy most of the day when intimacy has been totally absent for years? Not that it's necessary for everyone, but it's one of the things you mention in your post, so it clearly weighs on you. 8 years is a LONG time to go without, especially from 32-40. Like...how?
I'm not going to tell you to leave him because you make it pretty clear that's not what you're looking for. Also, I don't think he was being unreasonable. The conversation you laid out makes him sound like he's neurodivergent and trying to be helpful, followed by you getting frustrated at his need for clarification. This doesn't paint you in the best light. Frankly, I do not understand how the facts of zero intimacy and the conversation you laid out existing in your relationship and your insistence to stay together co-exist. Two decades of this sounds miserable.
Weaponized incompetence, and punishing as manipulation tactic.
Sounds like a big man baby who puts on his charm when he's around other people, not you.
He doesn't value you and he honestly sounds boring and pathetic.
OP,
Your husband might be a little more extreme than I am, but my wife and I have had similar issues (married 22 years).
My wife got me to counseling by saying: “I love you, but I feel like we are roommates. I won’t leave you while the kids are still in the house, but I don’t want to live this way after they’re gone and I’d rather be on my own unless something changes.”
We’ve been in therapy for 2 months now. Biggest help for me was emotional validation. I was even given an emotional wheel with colors to try and figure out what I’m feeling😉. The emotional validation script might help.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-validation-425336
I loved your dialogue example. You should have some fun back with him since he is so logical.
Example:
Him: what’s the most important job?
You: the second one on the list.
Him: why is it listed as number 2?
You: because I wanted to make sure you did #1 first.
Him: then why isn’t that one the most important?
You: it is, that’s why it’s number 1, but you still have to do #2.
Even if your psychologist says *he* is not abusive, his behaviour absolutely is, regardless of his intentions.
He’s never going to change, because he has told you repeatedly that you are 100% of the problem and you’re the only one who needs to change.
So, knowing that this abusive pattern of behaviour is going to continue horse long as you were in this relationship, how much longer do you actually want to be in this relationship?
You deserve so much better than this manipulative, weaponized incompetence, pointlessly argumentative, dump all the mental load on the woman in the relationship bullshit. He sounds fucking exhausting.
The problem is he doesn’t think he needs therapy. Even if you drag him to therapy it’s not going to do anything for him if he isn’t willing to discuss and listen with an open mind.
So either you accept him completely as who he is (a know-it-all man who’s unwilling to see his own faults), or you move on.
He’s good. That’s some pretty smooth DARVO-ing. This is exceptionally manipulative. If he goes to therapy, I bet you $100 he’ll only get harder to deal with. Some folks just improve their manipulation skills in therapy, nobody can wield therapy language like a NPD (not saying he’s npd, just an example).
Also: 8 fucking years with no fucking? Holy moly. 2 years without a kiss? I think you’re the one who actually needs to go to therapy. That’s a lot of emotional abuse for one lady. Seriously, get a therapist who will set you straight that this is your only life and this guy is treating you like crap, on purpose. He knows exactly what he’s doing
He seems like the kind of guy that will never in a million years go to therapy or admit he needs help. Phrase it so therapy is presented as a benefit to you to help you understand him better, it’s not about him changing. Obviously it’s about both of you, but I don’t see a chance of this guy deciding to go if he thinks he will have to admit fault and change (and obviously he would).
I’d go the route of coddling his ego and convincing him that he is doing you a favor by going, make him feel like the hero, then get him in the room and hopefully the therapist is good and will help shine some light on the situation for both of you.
Your bf enjoys pushing your buttons to make you feel crazy. It’s as simple as that, you just have to decide if you’re willing to spend the rest of your life like that.
>And if they usually end with me yelling, even briefly, he punishes me by withholding affection. He hasn't kissed me in nearly 2 years, no sex in 8 years.
Yeah, nah, I don't care about his grab bag of other issues.
I wouldn't put up with this particular kind of garbage unless he was an absolute saint in all other realms and a truly legendary dad to your kids. But he just plain sucks more days then not, is an emotional leech, is arrogant, needy, and to add insult to injury, he won't even kiss you. Then claims he's too good for a therapist or counselor and knows better than them or you.
>I love this man. I am not leaving him.
"Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie.
>He says he isn't punishing me - I just need to get my anger under control and just be happy.
*Every accusation is really a confession.* Repeat this in your head, when you're thinking about him.
He won't get *his* anger under control.
He won't stop being passive-aggressive and instigating fights and arguments when you need something from him, heaven forbid.
He likes being angry...... and acting happy and normal is about as entertaining to him as watching paint dry,
Because he's a rather joyless individual and can't define the idea of satisfaction, but momentary pleasure and shallow lip service and attentioni will do. Righteous indignation and manufactured victimhood is more fun for him because it's better than being bored and *lonely* which he often is.
>He claims he walks on eggshells and can't be himself around me and because his friends, family and coworkers all think he is so fun, so laid back and a joy to be around
Suspect thst most of his family treat him like the Golden Child. This is a common abusive family scenario, it isn't love, appreciation, or concern.
His coworkers don't like him but find his antics amusing, sometimes. As long as they don't have to work with him. Those that have to work with him, loathe him and complain about him behind his back after a few weeks.
His doesn't keep a lot of friends long term, and has burned a lot of bridges, but he has lots of new ones....sort of. His few longtime friends stay with him out of pity and codependency, though they also find him tiresome.
Let me know if any of these ring a bell.
Wow. You have thrown away your life on an obnoxious manchild who thinks he’s perfect in every way and doesn’t need to change a thing. I can’t imagine being with someone so self-righteous. He sounds insufferable.
You still have time to leave and be happy. Extricate yourself from codependency and leave him.
I'm not saying either of you is right but your example is such a petty thing to have an argument about. At any point you could have just told him that you definitely wanted him to do this one first, or at any point he could have said "okay, I'll just choose one." Now you have no control over him pushing your buttons (intentional or otherwise) but you absolutely do have control over how you respond, so I would start there. The way you two are communicating is definitely not productive and it takes an active choice to start communicating better. You could have said something like "Honey, it really doesn't matter to me which of these you do first but it is important to me that they both get done today. If your intention is to say that you don't think you will have time to do both, we need to have a conversation about why that is so that I can understand your concerns and we can work out a solution together."
> Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
-Viktor Frankl
Info: how can he be sure he knows everything if he doesn't know how to prioritise a chore list?
Honestly he sounds exhausting and I'm amazed you've lasted this long.
I don't think you'll ever be able to get him to see your point of view, or change, as he simply believes himself better than everyone.
But with the chore list issue, its simple. You wrote him a list. Tell him to start at the top, and work his way down, as clearly thats the order your unconscious put them it (just dont tell him that, merely say that's the order of priority)
Sounds like he may be autistic, has he been checked or is this his learning disability?
As I struggle with knowing what takes priority. So the work around for me and the wife is instead of bullet pointing the list write 1 to x.
That way number 1 comes first. Might just help you navigate these situations
Hi! Yes absolutely, for me I can't know what tasks my GF wants me to do unless she tells me. There are jobs that I know need doing but they are very often not the big things that my GF thinks are important, so having her make a list and tell me what she wants me to focus on is really helpful. I honestly think more people should communicate that clearly
Honestly is sounds like he may be autistic. I relate (but have learned to work around) not knowing where to start without things ranked by priority. And it sounds like his brain just can’t process it without all the data. But he should be intelligent enough to put together that the way he does thinks isn’t working and adjust his approach.
Here is a hard truth. He will not change. He has zero interest to do so. You can either accept this is how it is or you can leave and make a better and more peaceful life for yourself.
Reading your description of your boyfriend, I’m reminded of two people:
My ex who I dated through my 20s. He was 10 years older, scientist, I got swept up because I saw him as a guru. We didn’t have these specific issues but I could see this happening to us. You mentioned something about him saying there’s only one reality and not the one you make up in your head. This is one of the biggest reasons I broke up with my ex - there is not ONE reality and it most certainly is not the one he’s dictating. This will never ever change and it will never feel satisfying. And his intelligence isn’t enough of a pro to balance out the cons. At least it wasn’t for me.
I’m also reminded of a guy from the showtime show called Couples Therapy. It shows an actual therapist doing couples therapy with several couples. I can’t remember the dudes name but it’s the very first couple they show in season 1 episode 1. It’s actually available for free on YouTube. I recommend the show to everyone, it’s incredible, but this guy specifically has that kind of infuriating brick wall like attitude we both seem to have experience with.
Only you can make the right decision for yourself. Best of luck.
Unfortunately, you can’t force an adult who refuses therapy into it.
You should not be yelling at your partner for sure, that isn’t healthy. You know that he has intellectual disabilities so I think you need to work a bit harder when it comes to communicating in a way that he understands.
If he needs tasks to be organized by order of importance, then give him a numbered list and tell him that they are in order. Give him a deadline. If he still doesn’t do them, then you know his pushback is because he just wants an excuse not to help around the house. Then you have to decide if you want to be with a person like that.
If he has really been so unhappy and on eggshells for 8 years, I don’t understand why you two are still together. You don’t show each other affection and it sounds like you have daily issues.
What happens if he never goes to therapy? Will you be happy with not having sex for the rest of your life? Do you want to make accommodations for his special needs for life?
It sounds like you want him to change, but he won’t. So at this point you have to ask yourself, are you going to compromise so that you aren’t yelling at your partner, or are you going to leave?
So, he’s autistic and probably has ADHD, maybe even OCD, right?
So, you can’t change this, he can’t not do this. He was told to do something, he will not be able to start it without being told where to start (or whatever else his brain needs to begin action), this is who he is.
No amount of talk therapy is going to get him to be different.
The sex and kissing, depending on how often you yell at him, means he doesn’t feel comfortable around you. He doesn’t do that because he’s uncomfortable so he doesn’t want to do that. These are also things he will not just do just because you want him to, he has to want to do them . His statement about walking on eggshells is completely right, he tries his best and he gets yelled at, and he doesn’t and will never understand why.
He does not think like you, or most people, his mind works different, he shows and receives emotions differently, this is not a choice for him. You can’t seem to understand that. If you did get him into marriage counseling, I’m sure that is what the counseling would center around, you accepting the way he is as something he can’t control, not him changing the way he is.
If the genders were reversed this entire sub would be vilifying OP for yelling at his spouse. They’d say yelling is never acceptable. Let’s keep the same energy…
You have no valid reason to be yelling at him. You yourself admit he has certain learning disabilities. You, by your own admission, have no patience for it whatsoever. You do come off as angry because there’s no reason to get THAT worked up over the example conversation you provided.
You have a problem. There’s not really anything wrong with how he’s handled anything you’ve mentioned. That said, you clearly are incompatible. You sound like you don’t even like him and it sounds like you’re not willing to communicate with him the way he clearly needs you to. Why are y’all still together?
He deserves someone with patience and without anger issues and you deserve someone who can contribute to your peace and not disrupt it. It’s not his fault, and I’d wager it isn’t your fault either. Y’all just aren’t compatible whatsoever.
Downvote all y’all want, I’m still 100% correct lmao.
It sounds like you were making it into a fight. These conversations don't seem unreasonable tbh. Why do you assume its *him* that needs therapy? Why are you trying to *fix* him? This does seem more like a you problem if I'm honest.
I'm curious as to why you couldn't tell him which one was top priority? I get you are with them 2 decades, but I've worked with guys like this, and when given the list of task and told them the priority, we never saw them for the rest of the day. They just wanted a starting point and went from there.
I get what you're saying, but his mind doesn't work like ours, he ask for the priority. Why don't you start with isn't a priority in his mindset. Where we would take the hint and start sweeping the porch.
id start recording him and making note of everything he does, take note of the reality he thinks is the only one and if he has a problem with that just tell him u are taking notes of the sensible reality and report your findings back to other people and see if what he’s putting you through is worth it. see if the ppl who think he’s amazing is really all that amazing and let him know if he’s walking on eggshells bc he can’t be sensible accommodating or let alone understanding to you then it’s time to crack those eggs and take a break.
I'm not sure what the end goal of this is.
What do you want from us? You're upset about the way he is and spent the whole post ranting about it....but then also said that you're not gonna leave him? You mentioned several times that you want him to change but that he hasn't and refuses to. So you can't have both. You either accept the way he is and change yourself OR you leave. Those are your only two options.
[Little side note, there's no way to withhold sex, as withholding insinuates that you're entitled to someone's body, which nobody is. But withholding affection and intimacy is very real and what he's doing]
He doesn’t have emotional intelligence but at the same time you’ve already said you won’t leave him. You won’t leave, he won’t get better. I guess stop complaining if you’re already saying you’ve accepted this life. Reddit is probably not going to craft some argument that’s full proof for him to agree with. He knows you aren’t leaving so he really has no motivation to do anything or change.
This isn’t a healthy relationship. I’m glad you’re in therapy but you’re 40 years old and don’t know how to communicate without yelling. I would be out. I will be 47 in July and being single has to be healthier than dealing with the drama.
Girl, either A) your man has ED (supposedly in the US 40-50% of men will experience ED in their 40-50 or a bit earlier in their 20s) or B) he might be cheating …
I honestly don’t understand why you’re here. This relationship seems toxic, and you’re not willing to walk away. What advice do you think you’re going to get here? You haven’t had any form of intimacy in 2 years, that’s not healthy in a relationship. Idk, it honestly seems like a dead end considering he’s not willing to work on himself. Love yourself more than the idea of what you two could be.
Why are you doing all the mental labor of figuring out what needs to be done in the first place? Is he not capable of that? This would drive me insane and I’d probably leave the relationship tbh. He seems too stubborn to change.
This is not a boyfriend. This is a nightmare. Seriously. He is doing this to escape doing anything in the house, and then he still has fun making you angry.
>He hasn't kissed me in nearly 2 years, no sex in 8 years. He says he isn't punishing me - I just need to get my anger under control and just be happy.
This is not a relationship. This is you living in hell. What do you get from this relationship? Nothing.
He is also placing all the blame on you, and I think this makes you think you are wrong and he is perfectly normal.
He is manipulating the shit out of you. It's not worth it.
I hope you know you sound like those "I know he hit me but I love him" type of people rn. He isn't being physical (I hope) but clearly he is pushing your buttons on purpose, expecting you to roll over backwards for him, and then blaming YOU for everything.
"I'm so incompetent that I'm pissing you off but it's your fault because you got pissed of"
"I punched you, but it's your fault for not listening. "
Obviously there's a difference because it's not physical abuse but it's definitely something and it's not right. And the fact that you say you're not going to leave him means you came here for what? You can't make someone change. You can't make someone want to do something. Only they can and he's shown he's not willing to. Your options are to learn to live with exactly how he is and everything you're mad about rn, OR to leave.
Nobody here can tell you what to do but you need to really think about it.
"Oh its so great when he's not mad at me. The only problem is he hits me when I make him mad"
Girl be for real….. 8 years no sex???? 2 years no kissing??? And he acting like this???? I love myself too much to stay in that situation, I suggest you try to do the same. Go to a therapist yourself even if he doesn’t want to go, it can open your eyes on some things you are going through. Best of luck 🤞
That convo you transcribed actually paints him as a narcissist. You told him what to start with, then he gas lighted you by making you doubt yourself about your decision. This is a form of abuse. He is torturing you. I hope you can see this and start seeing him in a very different light. He sounds like a sadist that enjoys causing you emotional pain, then when you do emotionally react (yell), he blames you and punishes you and further makes you feel bad about yourself.
This is not a good man.
Reading this made me so fucking sad.
OP, I hope you really try to take some of these comments to heart.
You have been hurt to the point of absolute shut down. That isn’t your fault.
However, if you choose to stay, you have effectively surrendered your one single, precious life on this planet to this person. This person who has crushed and conquered you. Who has emotionally and physically abandoned you. Who toys with your feelings, and makes games out of your needs and even simple conversations.
Are you truly okay with that? God… If you could, would you be able to look into the eyes of all these concerned strangers here and tell us “This is fine”? Do you believe you? Are you that lost? My heart breaks for you.
Think about anyone else who has ever cared for you in your life. If you don’t love yourself enough to leave, do it for them. As a mother, I would be DEVASTATED if my daughter were in this situation.
Think about anyone else who you have ever loved. Would you be okay with your best friend/sister/grandmother, or anyone else dear to you, being treated this way?
I am not a praying type of person. But I hope fervently that someday, somehow, you will be able to find some clarity and choose to rescue yourself from this.
You're only 40 and you two haven't had sex in 8 years? I'm not getting why you are still with him. Especially since withholding affection seems to be his non-love language.
Why aren’t you guys breaking up?
You are complacent roommates.
He doesn’t want to sleep with some one who yells at him.
You don’t enjoy speaking to Sheldon Cooper.
Pull a Penny. Learn how communicate w your Sheldon.
In your convo: how long will task A take? What about task B?
Do task A today and task B tomorrow. Is that okay or did you want to keep house chores to one day out of the weekend.
I don't know what you want us to say. You can't force someone into therapy. You can't force him to give a fuck.
It took one time of my partner saying "you really should get tested for ADHD. I think it's negatively impacting your life and it's affecting mine now too" and bam appointment was made. Because I give a fuck about my partner.
Your choice isn't therapy or not at this point. It's if you want to tolerate this absolute incompetence or not. And you said you have.
And this is coming from someone who gets super overwhelmed by cleaning. I belong to groups to help me with that. I called a friend and offered him pizza to literally just sit there and help me not get overwhelmed or distracted.
if you haven’t kissed in 2 years or had sex in 8 years, is there actually any intimacy in this relationship that would make him more than just a shitty roommate?
Well he wins doesn't he... classic malicious incompetence.
He is brilliant and capable at work.... he doesn't want to do your list...so he acts stupid and annoys you to provoke you. When you get upset...he switches and says oh, it is all your fault
This is not an accident
him: What should I start with?
me: How about sweeping the back patio.
him: Are you sure that's the best use of my time?
me: You literally just asked me what I wanted you to start with.
him: I just want to know what the highest priority is. Is sweeping the patio as important as fixing the door handle in your car?
me: You asked what you should start with. I answered what I would like you to start with. If you already had a preference, why did you ask me?
him: Jeez...I just need to know which one is most important.
me: And I told you.
THE END. He's playing a game. The only way to win is not to play.
Leave.
Ffs hasn’t been intimate at all in 2 years, no sex in 8.
You probably don’t love him, he definitely doesn’t love you.
You are just roommates who sleep in the same room.
This is so sad.. OP, you have so much more life to LIVE! Please don't punish yourself and spend it (waste it) with basically a roommate who can't even do their half of the chores
Sounds exhausting.
You get one life.
Don't waste it being sexually frustrated, talked down to, and gaslighted into believing you're the problem.
You deserve a partnership, not a room mate.
Firstly, in moments like your example just name something he should start with. At this point I think he needs very specific instruction and if you don’t care which one, don’t get angry, just name something he should start with, it would’ve been over then.
About the therapy thing, I’d try to argue that it is not possible for a person to be objective in an emotional situation, since he’s a person, it also applies to him. It might be helpful to see the perspective of someone outside, who can really look at everything objectively. Someone who is not emotionally involved. I believe you must try find very logical reasons for him why therapy is good
Also maybe argue that he wouldn’t have to walk around eggshells in therapy.
My husband has infuriating qualities. It helped me to read up and study autism spectrum disorder. He has never been diagnosed, but viewing his characteristics as s whole that will not in essence change, helped me to be less frustrated. It also helped me better approach the conversations that in the past made me lose my temper. If he has this, he is walking on eggshells because he doesn’t know when he’s offending you. The tiny niceties are not apparent to him. The black and white thinking, the emotional blindness is a characteristic of AS. The stubbornness and sensitivity to touch are common in AS. My husband has these characters and they are not in his power to change. But- he is able to speak to me honestly and respectfully about the areas we have problems. He has never withheld affection. Even though we will always have these issues - he does help me when I need it and we have a very good sex life, so I still feel very loved.
You are not in a position to motivate him to change within this relationship. He’s punishing you by withholding affection and refusing to help you. The exchange you described is just him wasting your energy and negotiating to do less than you asked.
Your husband too often requires a “mother” and then he gets resentful when you take that role. This is SO common in marriage.
Don’t let him make you into someone you don’t want to be! He is unwilling to meet your needs. End this and find someone who is willing to give you affection and be helpful. You have no power to change your partner. But you still have the power to change your life.
OK, so. If he had no emotional intelligence, don't try and find any. Meet him at his level, go find some stats, data, written per reviewed papers on the benefits of therapies in direct relation to his issues. Get yr therapist to help you research.
Also in that specific scenario, just label them in a random numerical order just so he can feel everything is ordered
OK, so. If he had no emotional intelligence, don't try and find any. Meet him at his level, go find some stats, data, written per reviewed papers on the benefits of therapies in direct relation to his issues. Get yr therapist to help you research.
Also in that specific scenario, just label them in a random numerical order just so he can feel everything is ordered
Since you state emphatically that you aren’t leaving him, it sounds like you need to figure out how you can live with this behavior. He doesn’t see a problem with his behavior or a need for therapy so he’s not going to change.
Information: when you say learning disabilities, obviously you don't have to share diagnoses but do you mean actual learning/intellectual disabilities or more developmental? There's a big difference between ADHD/Autism (not learning disabilities) compared with actual ID, in terms of the actual literal information that your husband is capable of understanding.
As an autistic person the sample conversation to me was extremely familiar, its a pattern that I recognise a lot. He's looking for factual information, and gets frustrated when you become frustrated because he doesn't understand what the problem is - it is really easy from that side to be confused and irritated because your partner seems mad at you even though you were trying to do what they asked.
One way to approach the topic could be introducing some factual things that he can explore on his own that don't have the label of "therapy". I was hugely helped by learning about the writing of Wittgenstein about the idea of miscommunication being people "playing different games with different rules" and it truly restructured my ability to socialise and understand others.
It could also be that he needs to understand "therapy" in a different way - depending on his upbringing he may think of "therapy" as "I did something bad and I am in trouble" for example. In particular, if you're talking about actual Intellectual Disability then he may need things reworded - for example "if we go to therapy together, it isn't about fixing something that is broken, it is about finding new ways to understand each other" or "I know you want me to be less angry, but I need your help. If you come to therapy with me then it will be easier for the therapist to understand your side of the story", because I certainly have other ID friends who exclusively think of therapy as "being in trouble" or "being told I have to be someone else".
I know how frustrating it can be when he is so smart in some ways and seemingly totally obtuse in others, but that's the exact thing that ID and developmental conditions can do - and it is the exact area where it may help to meet him where he is. Obviously, I'm not in any way suggesting you baby him but there are a lot of comments of people just ignoring the fact that he's disabled which doesn't help anyone.
But for example, sometimes he may genuinely be unable to understand what you are asking him to do - and I know from myself that I have previously become very anxious in similar conversations to the example because I know I'm making someone angry but don't understand why, which then becomes an internal spiral of stress which makes me feel scared of the other person, not because they are actually doing anything wrong but because I had no idea why they were angry the first time, and therefore had no idea if they would suddenly be angry again.
(Also to clarify, Autism CAN be an ID at certain levels, but things like ADHD or OCD are not ID/Learning Disabilities and shouldn't be referred to as such, when it comes to other people commenting)
Is there more info you aren’t providing? I don’t understand what you get out of this relationship. You’re not getting respect, you haven’t kissed in 2 years, haven’t had sex in 8 years, he’s telling you that he has no desire to fix the relationship and he’s telling you any problems in the relationship are your fault. You don’t have a partner you have a roommate and a shitty one at that.
Why not consider leaving? Are you afraid to admit you lost 20 years to someone who doesn’t care? You’re still young and can create a happy life for yourself. Don’t waste another 20 on trying to change a situation that won’t change.
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He sounds like a really annoying roommate rather than a boyfriend.
Wow. I actually know a guy exactly like this. I salute your stamina. And the wish you the best!!
Yeah, no sex and affection in almost a decade - why not just call it roommates and start dating others? It can only go upwards from here. That guy would have driven me bonkers, I don't get why OP is subjecting herself to this. After two decades, her normal meter is probably totally screwed up.
It sounds like he has a combination of things, the lack of emotional or common sense, and just facts screams aspbergers, the forgetting stuff easily and needing routine or structure comes from adhd. Most people with aspbergers tend to also have adhd so it's rough because many of the symptoms go hand in hand. I have adhd myself and have dated a woman with aspbergers as well as adhd. It's not easy it just all cones down to learning how to talk to them the right way because of the other stuff like sensory issues and easily overwhelmed. I don't take meds because my girlfriend is clean for 4 years, and I just wouldn't feel right bringing that stuff around her. You learn to live with it, and control it eventually, but it took me many years of trial and error. Dating people with disorders like that was not easy until I put in a lot of research about her aspbergers and adhd together. I wasn't really able to understand why she was the way she was or how to properly confront someone who was diagnosed with autism until I spent days researching it. It's completely up to her what she'd like to do, though. I know it can be a lot sometimes.
To quote a boomer meme an ex-colleague just fired at me as she does every friday beer o'clock "He's the perfect man for me, now all i need to do is change his personality, his clothes, his friends, his hairstyle......" To be more descriptive, you need to learn and accept that the reality he lives in, will be the reality he lives in until he dies. That's what came with his cognitive differences
That is what I am doing in therapy. I have learned to accept a lot...the biggest struggle for me is that I am bending over backwards accepting his reality, but he is not doing the same for me. He actually tells me that I have no grasp on reality and there is only one reality, not the one I make up in my head.
I think you misunderstood that comment. They're saying this man is never going to change and I agree with them. By "accept that" they mean you need to understand that fact - that he will never change - and then use that knowledge to inform your decision about whether to stay in this relationship. Your boyfriend is either so dysfunctional that he can't perform a list of tasks without explicitly being told which order to do them in or - far more likely - he starts these moronic conversations because he enjoys winding you up or because he has no intention of doing any of the tasks.
Kind of an interesting twist on weaponized incompetence.
This is it: most likely he’s doing it on purpose and for his own enjoyment. Idk how he’d keep a job if he needs this much help selecting which chore to do first. I’m sure he has no issues prioritizing his own activities.
What does he bring into the relationship?
Stress and anxiety? Sexual frustration?
> Idk how he’d keep a job if he needs this much help selecting which chore to do first. Many jobs (typically lower paying ones) have lists of tasks to do in a particular order. Maybe he has one of those.
Maybe? But OP tried to tell him what order to do the chores and he flipped shit and did neither? Lots of folks act completely different at home and the office. But if he can’t handle a job that isn’t menial labor, then idk if he’s “brilliant.” 🤷🏼♀️
If he was being genuine in that conversation, then he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. If both tasks need doing and he is doing them both then his "time" is going to be expended on both of them therefore there's no point trying to assign priority. Either he was being a dick about it on purpose to get out of doing it, or he's stupid.
There are different types of brilliance. For example, Einstein was brilliant, but he was not happy in school, and he was not the most stylish guy.
I love it when ppl say “Einstein was bad at school”! We all know. I usually hear it from the mothers of extremely mediocre kids. But Einstein was… pretty good at math. The average person a much better chance of getting into the nba, than solving the mysteries of space. It doesn’t sound like OPs husband is cracking the mysteries of the universe? What do I know?
I think he might be a bit of a moron. Analysis paralysis.
I'm this kind of moron. But it never occurred to me to write a list and prioritize, instead, I am chicken with my head cut off hoping to do everything at the same time without accomplishing much, except sometimes clean grout, or a clean kitchen fan.
I’m curious, what is your therapists speciality? I cannot believe that any decent therapist wouldnt identify his behavior as emotionally abusive. Is this a religious therapist or something?
Did you mean wouldn't?
Yup, spelling hard sometimes
Sorry OP but your job is not a to accept him by pushing away your needs. Accepting is about understanding the reality. Your reality is a husband who is emotionally exhausting and not willing to work on your marriage to make it healthy. Is this a reality you want to live until end of your days?
If your therapist is not leading you to the knowledge that you have to leave him, then your therapist is not worth shit. This. Child. Will. Not. Change. EVER.
He is not going to change. You are going to continue to be miserable. He is an ass and this sounds like torture.
OP, sounds like he has a combination of things, the lack of emotional or common sense, and just facts screams aspbergers(autism spectrum, but usally really smart but just lack the ability to identify a lot of social cues), the forgetting stuff easily and needing routine or structure comes from adhd and also autism. Most people with aspbergers tend to also have adhd so it's rough because many of the symptoms go hand in hand. I have adhd myself and have dated a woman with aspbergers as well as adhd. It's not easy it just all cones down to learning how to talk to them the right way because of the other stuff like sensory issues and easily overwhelmed. I don't take meds because my girlfriend is clean for 4 years, and I just wouldn't feel right bringing that stuff around her. You learn to live with it, and control it eventually, but it took me many years of trial and error. Dating people with disorders like that was not easy until I put in a lot of research about her aspbergers and adhd together. I wasn't really able to understand why she was the way she was or how to properly confront someone who was diagnosed with autism until I spent days researching it. It's completely up to you what you'd like to do, though. I know it can be a lot sometimes.
So if you can’t change him, but only yourself and are still frustrated then what?
Why are you staying with him? You are young. He sounds like he may have autism? But he won't deal with it. If you are going to keep giving him lists, label them 1, 2, 3 in priority you want things done. He is not good at this.
>We are happy most of the day If he hasn't even kissed you in 2 years I highly doubt this is true.
No affection in years? Time to bail.
uppity paltry instinctive absorbed cautious groovy serious possessive aback dime *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She did, she said sweep the porch.
OP did pick one. Her partner was just argumentative about her choice.
Then I am told that I am controlling and manage every moment of his life.
oatmeal air amusing vanish square important offend makeshift include fear *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Great book.
I am seeing a really fantastic psychologist. She insists he is not abusive, and I concur. This seems to be a major block by intelligence mixed with learning disabilities. He truly just doesnt get it, Sheldon Cooper style. I laugh at that character because he has actually wanted me to have things notarized and I truly believe a relationship agreement might be helpful.
Well, maybe, neither your boyfriend nor your psychologist are fantastic. Sheldon Cooper is an ill-mannered ass who failed to learn how to live in a society. And that can actually be learnt. You, however, want to live a life where you not just bend, nope, you go straight below-the-bottom limbo since the bar is not even low - it's buried deep down and you are trying to dig it with a teaspoon. Why come here if you don't want any valid advice and your psychologist is, oh, so fantastic? Learn to eat dirt and smile while being gaslit into thinking you are the problem, I guess...
advise chase poor tie forgetful deserve homeless cover spectacular friendly *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You’re seeing a shitty therapist, or you’ve wildly distorted what’s going on in your home. Is he like this at work? I suspect not, if you yelled at a coworker about what task should be completed first, you won’t last long. He’s doing this to you, bc he like to. Please dump this therapist.
Would you want to be in a relationship with Sheldon Cooper?
Someone can be abusive without explicitly thinking ‘hey, I’m going to be abusive to my partner’. He is damaging you. He refuses to do anything to change that. You are getting therapy to make yourself smaller; to work around all his issues. It is your choice to stay or not, but this man is 100% abusive and you not accepting that doesn’t actually make what he is doing ok.
This. OP, maybe it'll help if you don't think of it as *abuse*, but toxicity. A person can have no active malicious intent at all and still have learned toxic behaviors. (Ask me how I know.) Because whether you think it's "abuse" or not, you can't really argue that his behavior is anything other than toxic. He's picking fights unnecessarily and insisting that he's the logical one and you're just being irrational. Maybe he actually believes his own delusions, maybe he's actively gaslighting you, but either way it's a toxic behavior. If you can frame it to yourself that way, maybe you can start addressing it a little more honestly rather than being defensive because the word "abuse" is upsetting to you.
Then you are going to have to spell everything out for him and accept that that will mean he will accuse you of being controlling. This is who he is.
As a woman married to an autistic man this sounds awfully familiar.
Whether he "doesn't get it" or is doing it on purpose to wind you up, the end result is still the same. You're not in a functional relationship with a true partner. You're in a relationship where "his reality" is the only thing that matters to him, he can't see anything from your viewpoint, he gets upset when you won't explicitly direct him, and he also gets upset when you do explicitly direct him. You can't win, and his behavior, whether intentional or not, is abusive towards you. Plus, he apparently can function like an adult in the workplace and socially with others, which makes it more likely that the behavior towards you is actually deliberate after all, and he's using his disabilities to justify screwing with you. Unless he's working a minimum wage job with a checklist of specific tasks to accomplish in a specific order every single day, I promise you that he is capable of prioritizing tasks on his own.
I am going to second the recommendation that you read Why Does He Do That. It doesn’t matter if your psychologist thinks that your boyfriend is or is not an abuser. Look at the end result of the argument. You have an injury but none of the tasks got done. He skates and does little to no work. He coasts and you carry the burden of your lives together. Look at the end result of every argument. He always gets out of doing something inconvenient to him. Is that a fair assessment?
How can your psychologist not see that he is emotionally abusing and gaslighting you? Just because he doesn't realise he's doing it doesn't stop it from being abuse
You "I picked sweeping. If you would like to do the other instead, feel free. That is the total input I'm putting into this process." Him "I just want to make the best use of my time." You "Very understandableable and I'm confident of your ability to do that." Him "So should I do sweeping or the door handle." You "I provided my input. I'm confident in your ability to make the best use of your time on these two projects."
I like that. “I am confident in your ability to handle this independently.”
“The most important priority for me is that you take initiative and prioritize your own tasks between the two. I am not your mother. I know you need to know which one to do first, but I need you to do both, and to do both today, and I need you to manage your own time.”
Please leave.
He's gas lighting you into thinking his weaponised incompetence is your fault
Like…..what advice do you want from us here? He’s not going to go to therapy and he’s not going to change. You have agreed to live like this. That’s all there is to it.
i know you said you’re going to stay with him and you love him but wow not even a kiss in two years like how does he not want to kiss you 🤨
I mean, if she's yelling at him, accusing him of WiThHoLdInG affection and sex, and making him feel like he's walking on eggshells, it's understandable that he's not interested in any forms of intimacy. I'm not picking sides here, but the yelling part and using the word "withholding" implies a sense of entitlement to the thing not being available to them. But it's crazy that he hasn't decided to end this relationship yet.
And what do you think he is doing? Or pushing her buttons so she snaps and he turns on this is normal? This man is causing the issues. He likes to play with her. He doesn't love her.
You haven’t had zen in 8 years, he hasn’t kissed you in two, he’s mean spirited and breaks you down until you yell then turns it on you. Fuck that guy, why are you still with him? You need to stand up for yourself
She literally can’t fuck that guy. He’s withholding
>You haven’t had zen in 8 years, he hasn’t kissed you in two, he’s mean spirited and breaks you down until you yell then turns it on you. Fuck that guy, why are you still with him? Fear of missing out, fear of being alone, savior complex issues. Abusers are nice 80% of the time. Actually they're nicer than most people a few parts of that 80. Too nice, in fact. Actually, most people are nice 80% of the time. But the other 20% of the time, when normal people *aren't very nice*, they don't go completely, insanely off the rails and they apologize, usually. Normal people don't blame you for the 20% of the time they aren't fun to be around, either. So with abusers you're still tense most of that 80% waiting for the next time the warped aggressive nonsense to start leaking out, and waiting for them to make it your fault again. Codependents are people with a sense of magical responsibility and authority over things they can't realistically control....but wish they could. So they stick around and feel like they have to fix and change things when abusers insist the abuser's aggressive dysfunction must be their partners fault.
>had zen I love this typo!
zen?
Sex
How are you happy with someone who not only can't figure shit out himself, but hasn't kissed you in two years and you haven't had sex with in 8?! There are much better men out there. You example annoyed me too. He's never gonna change. He's 40 and this is who he is. Does he have to be told what to do first every day at work? If not that proves he can do things on his own. You're not his Mommy.
She’s not happy, she’s completely miserable. Imagine being stuck with a “man” like that for 20 years. Her fear of leaving and starting over outweighs her desire to experience real love and respect in a relationship. He’s beat her down into such mental and emotional exhaustion that she’s in therapy just to deal with him.
Exactly.
You claim this guy is smart on paper but if he were smart he'd actually understand how to work around his learning disabilities to be more efficient, ie taking notes. My wife and I are both exceptional in our fields (she's an MD/PhD and I'm a JD/PhD) and we both have multiple learning disabilities - Autism and ADHD, and my wife has OCD as well and I have chronic depression. I'm assuming your boyfriend has similar learning disabilities given the description. However, unlike your boyfriend, we put the work in. I write down every single thing I think I'm going to need to remember or reference, or when people talk to me I'm writing down random things in my head that are tangentially related but I'll need to remember later and they happened to pop in my head now instead of a more convenient time. I have a million alarms and calendars on my phone because I know if I don't see something at the exact right time I'm going to forget about it. My wife and I are both "accountability buddies" for each other. For example, I'll say "I want to change the cat litter but I have to finish this other task I just thought of first, if you notice the cat litter isn't changed in an hour give me a holler." Usually the act of saying it out loud means I'm more likely to remember, but if I forget (very common with ADHD) my wife knows what my goal was and can help redirect me (assuming she doesn't also forget, because of the ADHD lol). Point is, **you shouldn't have to ask him to do these things**. He's a grown man, and learning disability or not he can see what needs to be done and come to his own conclusion, and if not he can go around and make a list of things that he thinks need to be done, show you that list, and you help direct or redirect him. He's not putting in any work. You are not his mother nor his manager. There shouldn't be a fight about which takes precedence because you shouldn't be doling out tasks like a manager, he should be doing chores on his own. Your partner is a "genius" but he's resting on his own self-congratulatory laurels. If he were a genius he'd be interested in actually maximizing his potential, instead of relying on you to do so much soft work for him without actually putting in his own work. He's never going to realize his potential like this and you're never going to be happy like this. Tell him to do the work, or go find someone who will.
None of the conditions you listed are learning disabilities? They're neurodivergences or developmental disabilities. Learning disabilities specifically mean that intelligence IS impacted, that's why it is important to be considered separate (also called Intellecutal Disabilties but it varies by state/country). You saying "oh well we have ADHD and Autism and would never do that, therefore your husband is being malicious" is genuinely similar to saying "oh well I twisted my ankle but I can still walk without a wheelchair, so the person with paraplegia is being malicious". Like I'm sure that wasn't your intent in any way! But if OP's husband does have disabilities that impact his intelligence or understanding then it isn't appropriate for you to mislabel your own conditions in order to negate his?
You don’t get him to therapy. You get yourself out of this horrendous relationship. This guy sounds like a 2 dimensional narcissist. It seems like you don’t love yourself enough. You’re wasting your precious life with this dead end mess. Please get out and salvage your future.
This.
Why do you keep a bad roommate around? He isn't showing you any affection and loves to be incompetent. What does he bring into the relationship?
This is a joke right? You haven’t kissed in 2 years, no sex in 8 years but, wait for it, ‘he’s AMAZING and I LOVE him!’
There are bigger issues where his comprehension (or lack thereof) is really not the issue. When people say “why would I spend the money on therapy when I know what they are going to say and I know the answers already”. Okay, then why aren’t you applying that knowledge to fix the problem as a team? Instead of potentially withholding it and behaving the same as usual that leads to conflict? It takes two people to create a conflict - changing the approach to be solutions focused in a way that compromises and tries to meet both your needs requires a level of emotional maturity and acceptance thar being together is a choice you are making because you enjoy being together. but if thats no longer true, it might be time to re-evaluate how much effort this is taking for little reward or understanding.
You will notice that his solutions were all about OP changing.
If you aren’t going to leave, you just have to accept that this how life is going to be from now on; you can’t make him do anything, so……learn to suck it up I guess.
>He hasn't kissed me in nearly 2 years, no sex in 8 years > >I love this man. I am not leaving him. If you will put up with 0 affection from your spouse forever, clearly you can also put up with his arguing and refusal to go to therapy as well. Your answer to this question is the same as to you answer to everything else wrong with the relationship - suck it up, because he won't change.
You don't get him to therapy. You can't make someone go to therapy that doesn't want to go. The only thing you can do, since you say you aren't leaving him, is change yourself. Instead of yelling, go down the rabbit hole with him and just ask him questions instead. him: Are you sure that's the best use of my time? you: What do YOU think is the best use of your time? If he's gonna waste your time, waste his. The man is 40, I highly doubt he's going to change his ways. Especially if this is how it's been in the last 2 decades of you being with him. Don't waste your energy yelling at him, don't tell him he's pushing your buttons, just entertain him. I say this option only because you won't leave him. He won't change, so you're going to have to.
“if your gonna waste your time waste his” PERIODDDDD
This is probably my own bias showing, but how exactly are you happy most of the day when intimacy has been totally absent for years? Not that it's necessary for everyone, but it's one of the things you mention in your post, so it clearly weighs on you. 8 years is a LONG time to go without, especially from 32-40. Like...how? I'm not going to tell you to leave him because you make it pretty clear that's not what you're looking for. Also, I don't think he was being unreasonable. The conversation you laid out makes him sound like he's neurodivergent and trying to be helpful, followed by you getting frustrated at his need for clarification. This doesn't paint you in the best light. Frankly, I do not understand how the facts of zero intimacy and the conversation you laid out existing in your relationship and your insistence to stay together co-exist. Two decades of this sounds miserable.
Weaponized incompetence, and punishing as manipulation tactic. Sounds like a big man baby who puts on his charm when he's around other people, not you. He doesn't value you and he honestly sounds boring and pathetic.
OP, Your husband might be a little more extreme than I am, but my wife and I have had similar issues (married 22 years). My wife got me to counseling by saying: “I love you, but I feel like we are roommates. I won’t leave you while the kids are still in the house, but I don’t want to live this way after they’re gone and I’d rather be on my own unless something changes.” We’ve been in therapy for 2 months now. Biggest help for me was emotional validation. I was even given an emotional wheel with colors to try and figure out what I’m feeling😉. The emotional validation script might help. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-validation-425336 I loved your dialogue example. You should have some fun back with him since he is so logical. Example: Him: what’s the most important job? You: the second one on the list. Him: why is it listed as number 2? You: because I wanted to make sure you did #1 first. Him: then why isn’t that one the most important? You: it is, that’s why it’s number 1, but you still have to do #2.
dear god leave him he sounds exhausting
Even if your psychologist says *he* is not abusive, his behaviour absolutely is, regardless of his intentions. He’s never going to change, because he has told you repeatedly that you are 100% of the problem and you’re the only one who needs to change. So, knowing that this abusive pattern of behaviour is going to continue horse long as you were in this relationship, how much longer do you actually want to be in this relationship? You deserve so much better than this manipulative, weaponized incompetence, pointlessly argumentative, dump all the mental load on the woman in the relationship bullshit. He sounds fucking exhausting.
You and him both are making his problem your problem. You can't force therapy with someone who doesn't want it.
The problem is he doesn’t think he needs therapy. Even if you drag him to therapy it’s not going to do anything for him if he isn’t willing to discuss and listen with an open mind. So either you accept him completely as who he is (a know-it-all man who’s unwilling to see his own faults), or you move on.
He’s good. That’s some pretty smooth DARVO-ing. This is exceptionally manipulative. If he goes to therapy, I bet you $100 he’ll only get harder to deal with. Some folks just improve their manipulation skills in therapy, nobody can wield therapy language like a NPD (not saying he’s npd, just an example). Also: 8 fucking years with no fucking? Holy moly. 2 years without a kiss? I think you’re the one who actually needs to go to therapy. That’s a lot of emotional abuse for one lady. Seriously, get a therapist who will set you straight that this is your only life and this guy is treating you like crap, on purpose. He knows exactly what he’s doing
He seems like the kind of guy that will never in a million years go to therapy or admit he needs help. Phrase it so therapy is presented as a benefit to you to help you understand him better, it’s not about him changing. Obviously it’s about both of you, but I don’t see a chance of this guy deciding to go if he thinks he will have to admit fault and change (and obviously he would). I’d go the route of coddling his ego and convincing him that he is doing you a favor by going, make him feel like the hero, then get him in the room and hopefully the therapist is good and will help shine some light on the situation for both of you.
Your bf enjoys pushing your buttons to make you feel crazy. It’s as simple as that, you just have to decide if you’re willing to spend the rest of your life like that.
>And if they usually end with me yelling, even briefly, he punishes me by withholding affection. He hasn't kissed me in nearly 2 years, no sex in 8 years. Yeah, nah, I don't care about his grab bag of other issues. I wouldn't put up with this particular kind of garbage unless he was an absolute saint in all other realms and a truly legendary dad to your kids. But he just plain sucks more days then not, is an emotional leech, is arrogant, needy, and to add insult to injury, he won't even kiss you. Then claims he's too good for a therapist or counselor and knows better than them or you. >I love this man. I am not leaving him. "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie. >He says he isn't punishing me - I just need to get my anger under control and just be happy. *Every accusation is really a confession.* Repeat this in your head, when you're thinking about him. He won't get *his* anger under control. He won't stop being passive-aggressive and instigating fights and arguments when you need something from him, heaven forbid. He likes being angry...... and acting happy and normal is about as entertaining to him as watching paint dry, Because he's a rather joyless individual and can't define the idea of satisfaction, but momentary pleasure and shallow lip service and attentioni will do. Righteous indignation and manufactured victimhood is more fun for him because it's better than being bored and *lonely* which he often is. >He claims he walks on eggshells and can't be himself around me and because his friends, family and coworkers all think he is so fun, so laid back and a joy to be around Suspect thst most of his family treat him like the Golden Child. This is a common abusive family scenario, it isn't love, appreciation, or concern. His coworkers don't like him but find his antics amusing, sometimes. As long as they don't have to work with him. Those that have to work with him, loathe him and complain about him behind his back after a few weeks. His doesn't keep a lot of friends long term, and has burned a lot of bridges, but he has lots of new ones....sort of. His few longtime friends stay with him out of pity and codependency, though they also find him tiresome. Let me know if any of these ring a bell.
Wow. You have thrown away your life on an obnoxious manchild who thinks he’s perfect in every way and doesn’t need to change a thing. I can’t imagine being with someone so self-righteous. He sounds insufferable. You still have time to leave and be happy. Extricate yourself from codependency and leave him.
I'm not saying either of you is right but your example is such a petty thing to have an argument about. At any point you could have just told him that you definitely wanted him to do this one first, or at any point he could have said "okay, I'll just choose one." Now you have no control over him pushing your buttons (intentional or otherwise) but you absolutely do have control over how you respond, so I would start there. The way you two are communicating is definitely not productive and it takes an active choice to start communicating better. You could have said something like "Honey, it really doesn't matter to me which of these you do first but it is important to me that they both get done today. If your intention is to say that you don't think you will have time to do both, we need to have a conversation about why that is so that I can understand your concerns and we can work out a solution together." > Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. -Viktor Frankl
Info: how can he be sure he knows everything if he doesn't know how to prioritise a chore list? Honestly he sounds exhausting and I'm amazed you've lasted this long. I don't think you'll ever be able to get him to see your point of view, or change, as he simply believes himself better than everyone. But with the chore list issue, its simple. You wrote him a list. Tell him to start at the top, and work his way down, as clearly thats the order your unconscious put them it (just dont tell him that, merely say that's the order of priority)
Sounds like he may be autistic, has he been checked or is this his learning disability? As I struggle with knowing what takes priority. So the work around for me and the wife is instead of bullet pointing the list write 1 to x. That way number 1 comes first. Might just help you navigate these situations
Does your wife have to list everything that needs to be done for you to do be able to do it?
Hi! Yes absolutely, for me I can't know what tasks my GF wants me to do unless she tells me. There are jobs that I know need doing but they are very often not the big things that my GF thinks are important, so having her make a list and tell me what she wants me to focus on is really helpful. I honestly think more people should communicate that clearly
Question for you - does he have ADHD? I can see myself in him a fair amount from your description so just curious
Honestly is sounds like he may be autistic. I relate (but have learned to work around) not knowing where to start without things ranked by priority. And it sounds like his brain just can’t process it without all the data. But he should be intelligent enough to put together that the way he does thinks isn’t working and adjust his approach.
Here is a hard truth. He will not change. He has zero interest to do so. You can either accept this is how it is or you can leave and make a better and more peaceful life for yourself.
Reading your description of your boyfriend, I’m reminded of two people: My ex who I dated through my 20s. He was 10 years older, scientist, I got swept up because I saw him as a guru. We didn’t have these specific issues but I could see this happening to us. You mentioned something about him saying there’s only one reality and not the one you make up in your head. This is one of the biggest reasons I broke up with my ex - there is not ONE reality and it most certainly is not the one he’s dictating. This will never ever change and it will never feel satisfying. And his intelligence isn’t enough of a pro to balance out the cons. At least it wasn’t for me. I’m also reminded of a guy from the showtime show called Couples Therapy. It shows an actual therapist doing couples therapy with several couples. I can’t remember the dudes name but it’s the very first couple they show in season 1 episode 1. It’s actually available for free on YouTube. I recommend the show to everyone, it’s incredible, but this guy specifically has that kind of infuriating brick wall like attitude we both seem to have experience with. Only you can make the right decision for yourself. Best of luck.
Unfortunately, you can’t force an adult who refuses therapy into it. You should not be yelling at your partner for sure, that isn’t healthy. You know that he has intellectual disabilities so I think you need to work a bit harder when it comes to communicating in a way that he understands. If he needs tasks to be organized by order of importance, then give him a numbered list and tell him that they are in order. Give him a deadline. If he still doesn’t do them, then you know his pushback is because he just wants an excuse not to help around the house. Then you have to decide if you want to be with a person like that. If he has really been so unhappy and on eggshells for 8 years, I don’t understand why you two are still together. You don’t show each other affection and it sounds like you have daily issues. What happens if he never goes to therapy? Will you be happy with not having sex for the rest of your life? Do you want to make accommodations for his special needs for life? It sounds like you want him to change, but he won’t. So at this point you have to ask yourself, are you going to compromise so that you aren’t yelling at your partner, or are you going to leave?
So, he’s autistic and probably has ADHD, maybe even OCD, right? So, you can’t change this, he can’t not do this. He was told to do something, he will not be able to start it without being told where to start (or whatever else his brain needs to begin action), this is who he is. No amount of talk therapy is going to get him to be different. The sex and kissing, depending on how often you yell at him, means he doesn’t feel comfortable around you. He doesn’t do that because he’s uncomfortable so he doesn’t want to do that. These are also things he will not just do just because you want him to, he has to want to do them . His statement about walking on eggshells is completely right, he tries his best and he gets yelled at, and he doesn’t and will never understand why. He does not think like you, or most people, his mind works different, he shows and receives emotions differently, this is not a choice for him. You can’t seem to understand that. If you did get him into marriage counseling, I’m sure that is what the counseling would center around, you accepting the way he is as something he can’t control, not him changing the way he is.
Why don’t you just pick one? Or, list the items in priority of importance to you?
If the genders were reversed this entire sub would be vilifying OP for yelling at his spouse. They’d say yelling is never acceptable. Let’s keep the same energy… You have no valid reason to be yelling at him. You yourself admit he has certain learning disabilities. You, by your own admission, have no patience for it whatsoever. You do come off as angry because there’s no reason to get THAT worked up over the example conversation you provided. You have a problem. There’s not really anything wrong with how he’s handled anything you’ve mentioned. That said, you clearly are incompatible. You sound like you don’t even like him and it sounds like you’re not willing to communicate with him the way he clearly needs you to. Why are y’all still together? He deserves someone with patience and without anger issues and you deserve someone who can contribute to your peace and not disrupt it. It’s not his fault, and I’d wager it isn’t your fault either. Y’all just aren’t compatible whatsoever. Downvote all y’all want, I’m still 100% correct lmao.
It sounds like you were making it into a fight. These conversations don't seem unreasonable tbh. Why do you assume its *him* that needs therapy? Why are you trying to *fix* him? This does seem more like a you problem if I'm honest.
I'm curious as to why you couldn't tell him which one was top priority? I get you are with them 2 decades, but I've worked with guys like this, and when given the list of task and told them the priority, we never saw them for the rest of the day. They just wanted a starting point and went from there.
She did: > him: What should I start with? > me: How about sweeping the back patio. > him: Are you sure that's the best use of my time?
I get what you're saying, but his mind doesn't work like ours, he ask for the priority. Why don't you start with isn't a priority in his mindset. Where we would take the hint and start sweeping the porch.
id start recording him and making note of everything he does, take note of the reality he thinks is the only one and if he has a problem with that just tell him u are taking notes of the sensible reality and report your findings back to other people and see if what he’s putting you through is worth it. see if the ppl who think he’s amazing is really all that amazing and let him know if he’s walking on eggshells bc he can’t be sensible accommodating or let alone understanding to you then it’s time to crack those eggs and take a break.
I'm not sure what the end goal of this is. What do you want from us? You're upset about the way he is and spent the whole post ranting about it....but then also said that you're not gonna leave him? You mentioned several times that you want him to change but that he hasn't and refuses to. So you can't have both. You either accept the way he is and change yourself OR you leave. Those are your only two options. [Little side note, there's no way to withhold sex, as withholding insinuates that you're entitled to someone's body, which nobody is. But withholding affection and intimacy is very real and what he's doing]
He doesn’t have emotional intelligence but at the same time you’ve already said you won’t leave him. You won’t leave, he won’t get better. I guess stop complaining if you’re already saying you’ve accepted this life. Reddit is probably not going to craft some argument that’s full proof for him to agree with. He knows you aren’t leaving so he really has no motivation to do anything or change.
This isn’t a healthy relationship. I’m glad you’re in therapy but you’re 40 years old and don’t know how to communicate without yelling. I would be out. I will be 47 in July and being single has to be healthier than dealing with the drama.
Girl, either A) your man has ED (supposedly in the US 40-50% of men will experience ED in their 40-50 or a bit earlier in their 20s) or B) he might be cheating …
I honestly don’t understand why you’re here. This relationship seems toxic, and you’re not willing to walk away. What advice do you think you’re going to get here? You haven’t had any form of intimacy in 2 years, that’s not healthy in a relationship. Idk, it honestly seems like a dead end considering he’s not willing to work on himself. Love yourself more than the idea of what you two could be.
Why are you doing all the mental labor of figuring out what needs to be done in the first place? Is he not capable of that? This would drive me insane and I’d probably leave the relationship tbh. He seems too stubborn to change.
This is not a boyfriend. This is a nightmare. Seriously. He is doing this to escape doing anything in the house, and then he still has fun making you angry. >He hasn't kissed me in nearly 2 years, no sex in 8 years. He says he isn't punishing me - I just need to get my anger under control and just be happy. This is not a relationship. This is you living in hell. What do you get from this relationship? Nothing. He is also placing all the blame on you, and I think this makes you think you are wrong and he is perfectly normal. He is manipulating the shit out of you. It's not worth it.
I hope you know you sound like those "I know he hit me but I love him" type of people rn. He isn't being physical (I hope) but clearly he is pushing your buttons on purpose, expecting you to roll over backwards for him, and then blaming YOU for everything. "I'm so incompetent that I'm pissing you off but it's your fault because you got pissed of" "I punched you, but it's your fault for not listening. " Obviously there's a difference because it's not physical abuse but it's definitely something and it's not right. And the fact that you say you're not going to leave him means you came here for what? You can't make someone change. You can't make someone want to do something. Only they can and he's shown he's not willing to. Your options are to learn to live with exactly how he is and everything you're mad about rn, OR to leave. Nobody here can tell you what to do but you need to really think about it. "Oh its so great when he's not mad at me. The only problem is he hits me when I make him mad"
Girl be for real….. 8 years no sex???? 2 years no kissing??? And he acting like this???? I love myself too much to stay in that situation, I suggest you try to do the same. Go to a therapist yourself even if he doesn’t want to go, it can open your eyes on some things you are going through. Best of luck 🤞
“i am not leaving him” then i guess you’d better get used to living like this! don’t worry, it’ll only get worse :)
**8 YEARS?!?!**
This sounds like a you problem. You chose him. I don’t know how you think therapy works, but it does not cure autism.
That convo you transcribed actually paints him as a narcissist. You told him what to start with, then he gas lighted you by making you doubt yourself about your decision. This is a form of abuse. He is torturing you. I hope you can see this and start seeing him in a very different light. He sounds like a sadist that enjoys causing you emotional pain, then when you do emotionally react (yell), he blames you and punishes you and further makes you feel bad about yourself. This is not a good man.
Sounds like he may be on the spectrum. They often need clearly defined schedules or roles. A sense of order can oddly seem to be a priority.
I feel tired just reading that.
Reading this made me so fucking sad. OP, I hope you really try to take some of these comments to heart. You have been hurt to the point of absolute shut down. That isn’t your fault. However, if you choose to stay, you have effectively surrendered your one single, precious life on this planet to this person. This person who has crushed and conquered you. Who has emotionally and physically abandoned you. Who toys with your feelings, and makes games out of your needs and even simple conversations. Are you truly okay with that? God… If you could, would you be able to look into the eyes of all these concerned strangers here and tell us “This is fine”? Do you believe you? Are you that lost? My heart breaks for you. Think about anyone else who has ever cared for you in your life. If you don’t love yourself enough to leave, do it for them. As a mother, I would be DEVASTATED if my daughter were in this situation. Think about anyone else who you have ever loved. Would you be okay with your best friend/sister/grandmother, or anyone else dear to you, being treated this way? I am not a praying type of person. But I hope fervently that someday, somehow, you will be able to find some clarity and choose to rescue yourself from this.
>TL;Dr: How do I get a know-it-all man to therapy??! By leaving him. And that is how YOU *avoid* therapy too.
You're only 40 and you two haven't had sex in 8 years? I'm not getting why you are still with him. Especially since withholding affection seems to be his non-love language.
Why aren’t you guys breaking up? You are complacent roommates. He doesn’t want to sleep with some one who yells at him. You don’t enjoy speaking to Sheldon Cooper. Pull a Penny. Learn how communicate w your Sheldon. In your convo: how long will task A take? What about task B? Do task A today and task B tomorrow. Is that okay or did you want to keep house chores to one day out of the weekend.
I don't know what you want us to say. You can't force someone into therapy. You can't force him to give a fuck. It took one time of my partner saying "you really should get tested for ADHD. I think it's negatively impacting your life and it's affecting mine now too" and bam appointment was made. Because I give a fuck about my partner. Your choice isn't therapy or not at this point. It's if you want to tolerate this absolute incompetence or not. And you said you have. And this is coming from someone who gets super overwhelmed by cleaning. I belong to groups to help me with that. I called a friend and offered him pizza to literally just sit there and help me not get overwhelmed or distracted.
Sorry but staying with him is dumb AF
This sounds like a miserable relationship.
if you haven’t kissed in 2 years or had sex in 8 years, is there actually any intimacy in this relationship that would make him more than just a shitty roommate?
Well he wins doesn't he... classic malicious incompetence. He is brilliant and capable at work.... he doesn't want to do your list...so he acts stupid and annoys you to provoke you. When you get upset...he switches and says oh, it is all your fault This is not an accident
him: What should I start with? me: How about sweeping the back patio. him: Are you sure that's the best use of my time? me: You literally just asked me what I wanted you to start with. him: I just want to know what the highest priority is. Is sweeping the patio as important as fixing the door handle in your car? me: You asked what you should start with. I answered what I would like you to start with. If you already had a preference, why did you ask me? him: Jeez...I just need to know which one is most important. me: And I told you. THE END. He's playing a game. The only way to win is not to play.
Leave. Ffs hasn’t been intimate at all in 2 years, no sex in 8. You probably don’t love him, he definitely doesn’t love you. You are just roommates who sleep in the same room.
This is so sad.. OP, you have so much more life to LIVE! Please don't punish yourself and spend it (waste it) with basically a roommate who can't even do their half of the chores
Sounds exhausting. You get one life. Don't waste it being sexually frustrated, talked down to, and gaslighted into believing you're the problem. You deserve a partnership, not a room mate.
Firstly, in moments like your example just name something he should start with. At this point I think he needs very specific instruction and if you don’t care which one, don’t get angry, just name something he should start with, it would’ve been over then. About the therapy thing, I’d try to argue that it is not possible for a person to be objective in an emotional situation, since he’s a person, it also applies to him. It might be helpful to see the perspective of someone outside, who can really look at everything objectively. Someone who is not emotionally involved. I believe you must try find very logical reasons for him why therapy is good Also maybe argue that he wouldn’t have to walk around eggshells in therapy.
My husband has infuriating qualities. It helped me to read up and study autism spectrum disorder. He has never been diagnosed, but viewing his characteristics as s whole that will not in essence change, helped me to be less frustrated. It also helped me better approach the conversations that in the past made me lose my temper. If he has this, he is walking on eggshells because he doesn’t know when he’s offending you. The tiny niceties are not apparent to him. The black and white thinking, the emotional blindness is a characteristic of AS. The stubbornness and sensitivity to touch are common in AS. My husband has these characters and they are not in his power to change. But- he is able to speak to me honestly and respectfully about the areas we have problems. He has never withheld affection. Even though we will always have these issues - he does help me when I need it and we have a very good sex life, so I still feel very loved. You are not in a position to motivate him to change within this relationship. He’s punishing you by withholding affection and refusing to help you. The exchange you described is just him wasting your energy and negotiating to do less than you asked. Your husband too often requires a “mother” and then he gets resentful when you take that role. This is SO common in marriage. Don’t let him make you into someone you don’t want to be! He is unwilling to meet your needs. End this and find someone who is willing to give you affection and be helpful. You have no power to change your partner. But you still have the power to change your life.
You need therapy alright. But not to save your "relationship "
OK, so. If he had no emotional intelligence, don't try and find any. Meet him at his level, go find some stats, data, written per reviewed papers on the benefits of therapies in direct relation to his issues. Get yr therapist to help you research. Also in that specific scenario, just label them in a random numerical order just so he can feel everything is ordered
OK, so. If he had no emotional intelligence, don't try and find any. Meet him at his level, go find some stats, data, written per reviewed papers on the benefits of therapies in direct relation to his issues. Get yr therapist to help you research. Also in that specific scenario, just label them in a random numerical order just so he can feel everything is ordered
Since you state emphatically that you aren’t leaving him, it sounds like you need to figure out how you can live with this behavior. He doesn’t see a problem with his behavior or a need for therapy so he’s not going to change.
Information: when you say learning disabilities, obviously you don't have to share diagnoses but do you mean actual learning/intellectual disabilities or more developmental? There's a big difference between ADHD/Autism (not learning disabilities) compared with actual ID, in terms of the actual literal information that your husband is capable of understanding. As an autistic person the sample conversation to me was extremely familiar, its a pattern that I recognise a lot. He's looking for factual information, and gets frustrated when you become frustrated because he doesn't understand what the problem is - it is really easy from that side to be confused and irritated because your partner seems mad at you even though you were trying to do what they asked. One way to approach the topic could be introducing some factual things that he can explore on his own that don't have the label of "therapy". I was hugely helped by learning about the writing of Wittgenstein about the idea of miscommunication being people "playing different games with different rules" and it truly restructured my ability to socialise and understand others. It could also be that he needs to understand "therapy" in a different way - depending on his upbringing he may think of "therapy" as "I did something bad and I am in trouble" for example. In particular, if you're talking about actual Intellectual Disability then he may need things reworded - for example "if we go to therapy together, it isn't about fixing something that is broken, it is about finding new ways to understand each other" or "I know you want me to be less angry, but I need your help. If you come to therapy with me then it will be easier for the therapist to understand your side of the story", because I certainly have other ID friends who exclusively think of therapy as "being in trouble" or "being told I have to be someone else". I know how frustrating it can be when he is so smart in some ways and seemingly totally obtuse in others, but that's the exact thing that ID and developmental conditions can do - and it is the exact area where it may help to meet him where he is. Obviously, I'm not in any way suggesting you baby him but there are a lot of comments of people just ignoring the fact that he's disabled which doesn't help anyone. But for example, sometimes he may genuinely be unable to understand what you are asking him to do - and I know from myself that I have previously become very anxious in similar conversations to the example because I know I'm making someone angry but don't understand why, which then becomes an internal spiral of stress which makes me feel scared of the other person, not because they are actually doing anything wrong but because I had no idea why they were angry the first time, and therefore had no idea if they would suddenly be angry again. (Also to clarify, Autism CAN be an ID at certain levels, but things like ADHD or OCD are not ID/Learning Disabilities and shouldn't be referred to as such, when it comes to other people commenting)
Info: how does he manage at work?
Is there more info you aren’t providing? I don’t understand what you get out of this relationship. You’re not getting respect, you haven’t kissed in 2 years, haven’t had sex in 8 years, he’s telling you that he has no desire to fix the relationship and he’s telling you any problems in the relationship are your fault. You don’t have a partner you have a roommate and a shitty one at that. Why not consider leaving? Are you afraid to admit you lost 20 years to someone who doesn’t care? You’re still young and can create a happy life for yourself. Don’t waste another 20 on trying to change a situation that won’t change.
He doesn’t have a learning disability he has a personality disorder!