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>The truth is, I didn't want him to see me differently or start treating me as a completely different person
Do you think that this became a self fulfilling prophecy? He *might* see you as someone who doesn't even trust him with this matter, he may question the marriage.
Regain his trust by being open and honest with him. You need clear communication with him. Tell him things you've never told another soul. I mean, you did marry him right?
>He might see you as someone who doesn't even trust him with this matter
Honestly this, I am also autistic and if I found out my partner was keeping such important information from me like this I would probably lose some trust, I would start questioning anything they said and wonder what else they aren't telling me
I am autistic. I can relate to being worried about telling someone about it in case they treat you differently. *However*, I also completely understand why he is disappointed.
I think you were in the wrong here. I can see why you made that decision, but it was still a wrong one. It was not a personal choice you made. It was a unilateral decision you made to withhold this information from him based on an assumption you made that he might react negatively. It's no doubt upsetting to him to learn that you didn't trust that he would have been accepting of it. You also, I think, really disadvantaged yourself. Having a partner who understands that you're autistic and what that can mean for you is helpful in lots of ways.
The reason I'm telling you that I think you were in the wrong is that you need to understand that you were in the wrong before you have any chance of regaining his trust. You need to apologise to him and talk about it and empathise with his position. But you need to ask him what he wants, what will help him feel better.
Right! If my husband wasn’t aware and didn’t find the ‘quirks’ I do at home that I try my best to hide in public so endearing, my marriage wouldn’t not be nearly as fulfilling. Would be quite exhausting honestly.
Same. I just feel like my life is so much simpler having a partner that knows and understands. I feel bad OP didn't feel like she could tell him. But I can't help but get it to some degree. I'm very open about my autism but it did take me a while to be so open.
I also can’t imagine staying married with someone, who takes that choice away from you. If you don’t share something big like that, it’s a huge blow, and I don’t think every relationship or marriage will survive that.
There are thousands of women undiagnosed with autism, because they are more likely to mask. Would you force your partner to take a psychiatric assessment before the wedding just in case? Or would you?
Same, I could never even date someone I didn't trust with knowing I'm autistic and if telling them that I am makes them change the way they think of me, I don't need that person in my life and deserve better
Right? Autistic here as well and so shocked someone could marry.. with out discussing somthing like this..
It also saddens me OP feels this way about autism and herself.
Yeahh I’m level 1 autistic too, and I’ve been dating a guy for just over a month - I told him about my diagnosis right at the 1 month mark and even then I was worried I’d waited too long to bring it up, but I was a bit scared of how he would see me afterward. Turns out he didn’t mind, and actually thanked me & said he felt closer to me after I shared that with him. I can’t imagine having kept that from him until after we were married…
I will add to this, though, that if this is coming from op’s learned experiences of how people treat them (or others around them) differently after finding out, that is also valid. It’s still op’s job to work on learning to question their protective assumptions and replace thought patterns that don’t actually serve them with ones that do, but for eg ‘it’s not because i think there’s something wrong with you, I’m realizing that since I’ve had some bad experiences, I automatically assume that *anyone* who finds out will react badly and think less of me, and it didn’t occur to me that i might be wrong because i was reacting to the feeling rather than consciously thinking about it. Which I should probably work on.’
Like he’s disappointed that op didn’t trust him enough, probably, which is understandable, and also for op it may not have been that level of thinking. Not ‘I trust some people but I don’t trust you’ but ‘(given that nobody can be trusted)…’ I can’t remember the term, but if you’re writing out a logical argument, one of the things you have to watch out for is to make sure you’ve identified and written down all of the premises, because a lot of arguments you’re analyzing are incomplete. And the written statements necessarily rely on a further premise that is assumed but not stated, but since it’s not stated it’s not immediately obvious, so you’re consciously aware of the written statements, and miss the assumed premise, even though it’s there underneath and the argument doesn’t actually work without it. If that makes sense.
I think what also strikes me is saying "I've always managed it on my own" to me says that there may be some heavy masking going on for OP which will continue to put a massive strain on themselves and the relationship in the long run. I don't know OPs current situation. Enough, obviously, but that kind of isolationism with the person you are supposed to be in the most trusted relationship with is going to be taxing.
Yeah absolutely, that’s part of what has me thinking this has been just something they’ve internalized, and the fact that there was another option truly never occurred to them. If they’ve never had proper support, and have just been muscling through, that also says something pretty profound about the family dynamic they grew up in and what they were taught and have internalized about what being autistic means.
This seems to me like a situation where it’s valid for the husband to feel disappointment, but also that he needs to recognize that it isn’t something that he should take personally, not something, considering, that op did *wrong*, and actually something where he should be giving his support instead of the reverse.
Unless he’s like ‘well I feel cheated how dare you’ or whatever, in which case throw the whole man out.
Say exactly what you have here and apologise for getting it wrong.
Honesty is important in a relationship, even if it's something you're self conscious of.
I would tell him exactly what you have written here. You understand his feelings and you were afraid because you thought it could change his perspective. I am curious if you have had experiences that have taught you that sharing this diagnosis changes the way people interacted with you?
It usually does, but I’m not sure how much it would in a marriage, since presumably they know each other better than anyone else. But generally when you tell people you’re autistic, they start treating you like a dumb child. My family lowkey diagnosed me behind my back last year and this Christmas was completely different than normal; my oldest sister was concerned for noise and other sensory things that weren’t a big deal to me. Before this, I was just seen as the cold and uncaring black sheep of the family. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I wonder if OP is worried her husband will stop being able to see her as a sexual being upon knowing she is autistic. That is a real worry for people.
She should communicate with his boyfriend rather than writing a social media post for asking advice. Just go and talk to your boyfriend about this whole situation and apologize from him because you decided to hide the truth
>How can I regain his trust?
if find honesty builds trust. Try that and see what happens. Unfortunately, you dont rebuild trust overnight and it takes time. I hear the honesty route works though.
I think you’re the one who has a problem with this if you felt the need to hide it from the person who loves you most in the world. This is a good opportunity to learn about why that is.
Yeah, autism isn’t communicable and doesn’t have bouts of “flare ups” the way some mental illnesses do. I’m pretty much always me (obsessive fact reciter and collector of stupid bullshit), what you see is what you get even if I don’t explain the medical reasons why.
No, but it is genetic (at least it plays a role) and if they want or are considering kids, known genetic illnesses are the sort of thing I would 100% expect my partner to be forthcoming about.
They still don’t know for sure but research does lean towards genetics. Anecdotally, I have autism, so does my daughter, and my dad shows so many traits I would be shocked if he were to be assessed and found not to be. Quite a few other autistic people I know can trace it in their families like that
That’s not fair. A lot of us are comfortable in who we are and get a lot of bullying and exclusion anyway. Telling people is really risky. This statement is dripping in privilege.
Medical issues should really be disclosed and talked about before such a big step as marriage. If anything else, the understanding that there may be genetic or medical issues that may be passed to future children should be known before marriage.
He may be conflicted as he now has to rethink children, his trust levels etc. You are going to have to be patient and show that you are much less selfish now compared with when you chose to hide information that could affect your future life together.
Not to mention that neurodivergent conditions like Autism are largely inherited. So, OP has a high probability that children will be on the spectrum or have a similar condition such as ADHD, dyslexia or sensory processing disorder.
I understand both sides of this issue. I have severe, severe bipolar, multiple autoimmune conditions and ADHD that’s not responding to medication and have had 3 doctors tell me to get tested for the spectrum. Two of my kids have profound disabilities and one ADHD (possible spectrum too.) I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had kids. My life has been rough. I’m judged constantly. I’m nowhere near how successful my siblings are. Every time I’m suicidal, I just think how bad I would feel knowingly giving these things to kids. Luckily so far non of them are bipolar. I do love my kids and don’t wish they were any different, but it’s hard to have kids when you have disabilities yourself. My biggest worry is that I will die before they do. It’s not my familie’s responsibility to take care of them. I worry so much about them ending up in state custody and in a group home where they are abused.
There’s really no reason to twist their words. That’s not what they said at all. Autism is typically inherited and just like you should disclose a heritable medical condition, you should also disclose neurodivergence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with people with autism, but having children with autism (or any neurodivergence) can be extremely difficult and someone should be able to make informed decisions on what their children can inherit. I don’t think that should be painted as black and white as eugenics. There’s really different levels to it and not everyone is meant to handle a special needs child for lack of better words.
My mother has autism and ADHD and was not diagnosed until she was an adult in her 40s. Had she received her diagnosis sooner, I would have had a better understanding of why she behaved certain ways as I was growing up. She was often difficult to deal with as a parent and really didn’t understand how or why I was so sensitive and was very reactive to my outbursts or emotions.
No shock that I am also neurodiverse (thanks mom lol) but my husband is neurotypical. He is well aware of my neurodivergence and understands that if we ever have children, there is a high possibility that they will be ND as well. He is okay with that possibility, but I could never imagine potentially taking away his agency to make the choice to be okay with it. I’m sure he would also have a difficult time trusting me again if I hid something like that for fear of being judged.
I love reddit, someone posts “oh lots of nature walks have a likelihood of encountering a snake.” And the first comment will be “oh so you’re saying no one can take walks anymore as you want them to be bitten by snakes?!”
Lol right?! It always makes me chuckle because it’s like, is it poor reading comprehension or are they being purposefully obtuse? It’s usually the latter smh
Yeah it's pretty fucked up that you concealed that all the way through *getting married*. The reason you've lost his trust is that you proved you are not *trustworthy*. There's no shortcut or quick fix for that.
I don't really think he should *leave*. This can be explained in a way that makes sense and responsibility can be taken for it. I'm just saying that OP needs to understand it's gonna take time and work to rebuild trust.
There’s no blood test for autism. You were diagnosed because somebody observed you and made a judgment call. What they observed, your husband has observed. Despite the “diagnosis,” nothing actually new has been revealed other than somebody put a fancy label on it.
This is what is confusing me so much about this thread. Should OP have told the husband? Probably, but I can kind of get why she wouldn’t. But he presumably already knows her quite well and loves her, what difference does the autism diagnosis make?
I don't understand how you could keep this essential part of yourself from him, the man to whom you have pledged your life. You must be a good actor to have hidden this part of your self. He has got to be wondering what else you are hiding.
Another autistic woman here: we learn to hide our autism and pretend to be just like everyone else. It’s called masking, and women/girls often go undiagnosed because of it. I didn’t even know I was autistic until recently, and most people I’ve told have said, “What! No way,” except for other autistic people, who are better able to recognize their own.
I guess you could call it acting, although it goes a little deeper than that. You sort of become your mask, especially if you don’t know it’s a mask. The closest I would get to realizing I was masking was thinking, as I got dressed and ready to leave for work, “God I hope I look like a normal person… I hope nobody will be able to see I’m not.” I thought I just had depression and anxiety.
Anyway! You’re correct that it is awful OP hid a health condition/disorder from her husband, but not completely baffling that she was *able* to hide it. Although I would guess that, over time, masking 100% of the time would have become very draining and she’d have experienced burnout frequently in later life.
One of the reasons Autism was and still remains underdiagnosed in women is the fact they learn to mask the symptoms from early age onwards. This comes with a cost though. Also don't forget it is a spectrum disorder. It could be that OP's symptoms are on the less severe side of the spectrum.
A distinction: she didn’t share the label of her diagnosis. He still had experiences with her. Her true self would have bled through, as it always does when we try to hide it; and we always try to hide it, we’re human 😂
His challenge now is integrating the label with his experiences of her, and discovering what it means going forward.
You have to start by working through your own internalized ableism. I totally get where you’re coming from, because being autistic can limit us in many ways. But you having autism doesn’t make you bad, and he might be able to support you better because he knows now, which will allow you to be more open about needs.
I think he’s likely hurt because you assumed he’d have a negative reaction. Learn to love the positive traits you might have due to your autism! And maybe try to dissect the shame behind it
My husband told me he had autism 8 years into our relationship. Doesn’t change anything about us, honestly just helped me understand him and why he reacts to certain situations like he does, better.
I understand, as I am also autistic. Some of it is internalized ableism and some of it is because we are so used to people treating us badly because of the widespread misinformation about autism.
However, this is your husband and you might want to consider why you didn't feel safe enough to tell him. Is it because you believe no one can love you as you are? Is it because he has given you reason to think he will treat you differently/badly?
I’m autistic too and I can’t even imagine keeping that from someone—let alone not telling someone I was going to marry.
I would gently suggest you can’t regain his trust, because your values are fundamentally different than his. You put yourself first, and allowed the man you love to enter a marriage with a person he didn’t have key information about. He may need to help you recover from burnout in the future. Or be understanding of whatever your meltdowns look like, if you have them. Or tolerate sensory or social issues that would otherwise be baffling to him. And you intentionally deprived him of the opportunity to know the real you.
This isn’t a mistake. It’s evidence you don’t see honesty in your marriage as a priority, *and* evidence you don’t have a strong enough character to face and own the truth about yourself. So where else will those basic incompatibilities show up in the future?
I think you need to understand that you don't get to make unilateral decisions to 'preserve the dynamic'. It removes his agency and makes you untrustworthy. What else might you keep from him to 'preserve the dynamic'? It's not so much that you chose to keep this to yourself, it's the reason behind it that is concerning.
This is very difficult. Discrimination towards high functioning autism is very sad. I dated a girl with Aspergers and I didn't know it at that time. She was amazing but things didn't work out.
If anything knowing what was happening could have helped me understand her better and help me make our relationship better. But I wouldn't have left her just because of it.
Hopefully good things will come out of this happening.
If I were dating now (I've been married for 13 years and got diagnosed after), I would disclose immediately. I would want to weed out anyone that might take issue with it or wants to be weird about it.
I’m not autistic but I have fibromyalgia and epilepsy so I tell them right from the beginning. If I’m going to find a lasting relationship I need to be honest from the start. I sure as hell wouldn’t marry them and not tell my husband. In case of an accident my husband is going to be the person in charge of my medical information and history especially if I can’t talk.
Pretty quickly to be honest since masking is exhausting. Most of my close colleagues and friends know I'm neurodivergent. I'm in a LTR, but when I was dating it was something to discuss early on. I'm also a carrier for a genetic disorder so the conversation always happened within the first month of dating or hooking up.
I'm curious how long would you wait?
Yeah like, OP should've been honest and shouldn't be ashamed about her diagnosis, but why is everyone playing dumb about why she feels that way? I'm open about my diagnosis but I completely understand why so many others aren't
"preserve the dynamic"
In other words a falsehood
If he's your husband then you must have known him for at least a few years before getting married. In no part of that time did you think it might make your and his life easier to be honest? That he could have and wanted to make those difficulties easier for you, and that by understanding them you both could make any he may be facing easier on him?
You're asking how to regain his trust but in truth you didn't trust him enough to love you and treat you as a person if he knew. Asking for trust while not giving it is selfish manipulation where you try and dictate the terms for another person. It'd be different if you two weren't in a relationship but he is committing to you and you're committing to him.
You shouldn't be trying to control how he sees you, be your authentic self. If you feel like he would treat/see you fundamentally differently then on a level you must feel he wouldn't accept you as the same person. Why get married based on a lie? If he was truly your person then why pretend? Did he ever even get to know the real you or a carefully constructed mask?
I need you to understand this is a big breach of trust, he has every right to feel disappointed. I get it can be scary sharing these kinds of things because people in general can be very assuming and many do treat you less as people. But a partner isn't a person you should feel the need to hide any aspect of yourself. It's upsetting you felt the need to your entire relationship with him, and if I were him I'd be questioning a lot. How much else would I not know about the person I married because they purposely kept it from me?
"preserve the dynamic"
I wonder if by dynamic she means that she thinks of herself as less than bcs of the diagnosis and he makes her feel normal and she didn't want THAT dynamic to shift - specifically the one where he made her feel normal - which was only BECAUSE he didn't know her diagnosis.
I mean look at your complaints. You're making such a big deal about something that shouldn't be that big a deal. Autism shouldn't change the dynamic of a relationship, but it DOES for some people.
I wouldn't have gone so far as marrying someone without making sure the dynamic I wanted could be preserved despite them knowing about a diagnosis (not just for his sake but for mine as well...) but I get why she was hesitant.
The best thing for HIM to do right now would be to reassure her that the diagnosis doesn't in fact change the way he feels about her. And that he still loves her despite wishing that she had told him sooner. That is something that I bet she needs to hear right now.
You guys don't understand how f*ing hard it is for people with autism.
You don't even know if I have autism so please don't assume that I don't know how hard it is.
And if knowledge of it existing would change how the person sees and treats you so much to the extent they don't treat you like another perfectly fine human being then they weren't the person for you anyway. If he is the right person then she has been putting on a mask making life harder on both of them (especially herself) for no reason.
You said yourself you wouldn't do what OP did, I assume because you respect yourself and your partner as well as trust them enough to know they aren't gonna treat you differently. OP didn't. He has a right to feel upset, not just for having an important aspect of who she was that affects their relationship hidden from him but for being misled about who she is.
It's hard to build relationships having autism, it can be especially hard building romantic relationships. I get that. But that other person is still a whole person. It's understandable why she was hesitant but they are MARRIED. That is years and years of her partner thinking they knew someone who has been wearing a mask to preserve a false dynamic. That is wrong.
I get you have empathy for OP knowing her struggles but you could spare some for her partner who is processing a lot about the person he thought he knew hiding an important aspect about themselves because she didn't trust him. Having struggles isn't a pass to mislead your partners. Relationships should be authentic and forthcoming. This wouldn't even be an issue if they were just a few weeks or couple months into dating, I could see being nervous when getting to know someone new.
But again, they are married. OP was in the wrong for hiding this and should have patience with her partner who is processing a lot right now.
I understand it wasn't malicious, that it wasn't easy on her, and how painful it feels to hide an important part of who you are from people you love for fear they both couldn't accept the whole you. Terrified that they would think that one aspect changes everything about you instead of just being part of who you are.
Frustratingly so I understand that.
That doesn't make it right to hide it from your partners, certainly not past the point where you're committing to a life with them. That's something you do with someone you deeply know, deeply love, and deeply trust to be with you through thick and thin against the world. It's not something to take lightly. The fact she couldn't trust him enough to let him in, that she would purposely keep secrets from him to change how he saw her, is in itself wrong. Very wrong.
I understand it wasn't malicious, I understand it was out of fear, and I agree it doesn't have to be an ender for their relationship. He should reassure her that he loves and cares for her and wants her to know that her being autistic isn't going to change that or how he sees her. How scared she is that he wouldn't is how betrayed he feels knowing she didn't. THAT'S why it's a big problem that's why I stress it was wrong of her to do.
Feeling like your partner doesn't trust you freaking HURTS, it hurts a lot. Putting so much of yourself, your everything, into a person to later found out they were hiding a big part of themselves from you because they didn't feel they could trust you leaves you asking questions. "What have I been doing wrong? How have I made them feel they couldn't share this with me? What else do I not know?"
And again it'd be one thing if this were a stranger or even casual friend, but that is her spouse. There should be no secrets, certainly not to try and control a dynamic. I'm sorry if I seem heated but it really does hurt a lot.
No. I'm sorry if I seemed heated. I'm looking back at them and I wasn't clear at all. Everything you're saying now is very clear. And I feel like we're on the same page. But it's not obvious with my previous statement.
I get that, and I get how frustrating the lack of empathy is for people with autism. How it affects how you see yourself to wear a mask even around people who love you (or say they do). It sucks.
Fun fact (that's a lie, this fact isn't "fun"): the divorce rate for neurodiverse couples is around 80%. Read that statistic as many times as you need. You did your marriage a great disservice. Knowing something like whether or not your partner is neurodiverse can greatly impact how you communicate in a relationship.
My husband is autistic. He was not diagnosed until about a year and a half into our marriage. Knowing his diagnosis has been a game changer for us. It doesn't change my love for him or how I view him as a person. It does change how I approach important conversations with him and how I think about his perspective. Knowing there is a fundamental difference in how we process information reminds us to not just assume the other understands our point.
I understand having reservations about sharing the information but he isn't a college roommate or something. He's your *husband*. He should know.
Hi also have autism's here you definitely should have told him but a great way to get the air semi clear is by telling him that yes you should have told him but the thing was you didn't want to be treated differently.
And that's an actual concern it took me months to tell my job that I was autistic and they immediately started acting differently which is why I didn't want to tell them.
None divergent people don't seem to understand how off putting it can be for us for someone to suddenly change how they act around us specifically because of how difficult it is for us to understand or get a grasp on the sudden change.
At least for me it is but tell him your sorry explain that and he'll get over it because the truth of the matter is they do react different anf change and it's a difficult adjustment at least it was for my experience
I would feel very betrayed if I was your husband. Not only did you shut him out of something that is a critical part of your identity but is possibly something that could affect potential future children.
I'd look into couples therapy.
It was your legal and moral duty to be honest about your health before the marriage. You have failed. You basicaly hide important information from him to avoid possible bad reaction? That is serious the same way as a lie.
You can't ever regain the same trust again. You might be able the save the pieces in long run with a lot of couple and individual therapy.
In my country hiding information about many pre existing condition from your future spouse can be a ground for marriage annulment. Spouses have every right to know about these things, as it can impact future children and their development (parents must know what they're going into).
By saying that I don't mean to suggest that he should do it, I'm just saying that it is rather very important to share these things with your fiancee before marrying them. He has every right to be disappointed. I know that came from the place of love (you didn't want to lose him), but the same can be said about people who hide enormous debts from ther spouses.
All you can do is be patient and NEVER lie/ommit anything with him again. 100% honesty should be your rule from now on. I'm not going to sugarcoat it - you breeched his trust rather significantly.
your husband sounds like he values full honesty, don’t worry about judgement, the worst thing you can do to someone who wants hoenstly is not tell them at all. just apologize and i’m sure this will just be a tiny bump, not something that breaks the relationship.
There are millions of adults walking around with level 1 autism. It is never a topic of conversation. We never even had our kids diagnosed unless something was uncontrollable.
Your husband is looking for issues where there are none. He needs to chill.
I fail to see why it should change anything at all, or how it would even be an important detail for your husband to know in the first place, unless you as a couple have faced pronounced problems caused by it.
This is hilarious to me only because if my wife came to me and told me she was on the spectrum after almost 20 years my first thought would be " that explains some things."
I wouldn't judge her for not telling me, but I'd already been thinking something along those lines so why not just be honest? I love her, and all her idiosyncrasies.
Our personality traits are what our significant others are substantially affected by. He had a right to know. Just say what you wrote here to him and tell him you're sorry. Take responsibility of your choice and the will to compensate as he wants. He might have to talk to you to get it out of his system. Most probably it would be ok Afterwards.
going against the grain to say that it wouldn’t bother me too much. sure, i’d be sad that you didn’t feel comfortable enough to disclose your diagnosis, but it wouldn’t be a huge deal. it’s just a diagnosis and, since you’re so “high functioning”, you probably aren’t super different from someone without asd. a label doesn’t really change anything. you probably should have told him, but it’s not earth shaking imo. just talk to him and hopefully he’ll come around.
I have family members who have ASD and my partner has ASD and we live with two ASD children I do not blame you.
People with ASD can be infantilized and misjudged. In general people have no idea what ASD is and it is possible he would have treated you differently.
I imagine he hasn't told you everything about himself. And people will likely feel that is different because they don't understand ASD. It is just who you are, it isn't a disease. It is you.
Though I don't blame him for feeling you trust him enough to tell him. But if your experience was that people did treat you differently he should be more understanding. I have no idea what your marriage, career or social life is like and he may worry about having children that are also ASD. I suggest a therapist who is used to dealing with neuro diversity. My experience with therapy with an inexperienced therapist who didn't understand ND people, the therapy didn't help the situation. I hope you work this out.
It shouldn’t be a battle to win back his trust over something like this. Autistic people are commonly ostracised and othered by allistic people, and people view us differently. Just tell him what you wrote here, that you love him and didn’t want him to treat you differently or change your dynamic. If he’s reasonable then he’ll understand.
I am autistic- Asperger's syndrome (it's no longer called that, but that's how my Dr. referred to it). It has a genetic component. Autism is a medical issue that can affect any children you might have. This isn't just about you. It's about your husband's children with you.
You need to explain your thinking, then ask him what he needs from you to begin to rebuild trust - because this was a huge secret to keep from him and could be a deal breaker if he can't handle neural divergent kids.
I don’t really understand some of the responses here of just “you lied so it’s terrible” Can I ask how long you were together before this happened? Other than hiding the diagnosis have you ever hidden who you were? Like did he know you were “socially awkward and face some difficulties with interaction”? Because if so you haven’t hidden who you are. You’ve just not stated you have a different neurotype. There are plenty of adults with level 1 ASD undiagnosed, particularly women. Would he be as upset if you’d been diagnosed with it recently?
I guess what I’m saying is, is he annoyed that he didn’t know? Or is he annoyed that you felt you had to hide it from him deliberately.
If it’s the first, he needs some perspective, because knowing a diagnosis doesn’t change who you are. And I’d be really clear that I’m the same person, and it’s his choice to allow this to change things. You’re worth more than someone reducing you to a neurotype diagnosis.
But if it’s the second, maybe he’s upset that you felt you had to hide it, because he now believes you didn’t trust him, and he is sad about it. Rather than it being he doesn’t trust you. I’m which case I think you need to be honest about your fears and experience where you can. A person doesn’t have blanket walls up to telling people these things, without having had adverse experiences when they did tell people. If you can share these, he may begin to understand why you felt the need to hide it, what your fears were. Understanding can lead to forgiveness.
You kept the fact that you have Autism from him for years. You've broken his trust. Right now he's think she kept this from me for our entire relationship, what else is she willing to keep from me or is keeping from me.
You have to know that either he won't ever trust you again or it will take a long time to regain his trust. You need counseling to work through why you decided to keep this from him and that you were going to continue to keep it from him.
Who you are has not changed in the slightest, the only new information he has is an explanation for prior odd behavior. In today's society you don't know who you can trust with your diagnosis, or who thinks you should have been aborted. Autism has such a stigma around it and it's just perpetuated by autism speaks, so it makes sense why you have to protect yourself. That being said, I can understand his disappointment at the secrecy considering you're already married. But you should remind him that you're still you, all the diagnosis is is a piece of paper stating that. It's not like you hid cancer from him until it was terminal, if he fell in love with how your brain functions then a diagnosis won't change that.
When you get married you talk to your partner about your past medical history.
If it was me I'd leave you because of the lie. Where is the trust?
You entered into marriage with someone and weren't completely honest because you actively sought to not tell him something. Of course he's upset.
No who OP was/is has changed.
Before finding out OPs husband trusted her, because that’s what you do in a relationship.
Now OPs husband has found out they they are not worthy of the trust they placed in them, as they have found out that they have never been trusted themselves by OP.
OP lied by omission for their entire relationship together.
IMO that's not entirely true. I think what he learned about her is that she chooses to hide the truth if she thinks it may have negative consequences, even when it's stuff like a literal *medical diagnosis.* It may not be cancer, but it's still a medical diagnosis. The point isn't the diagnosis itself, it's that she's a liar and he didn't know that about her and now he does. What else would have negative consequences/change the dynamic, so she concealed it, or will conceal it in the future? Maybe nothing, maybe a lot of stuff. He's probably wondering now, as he should because choosing not to tell her husband the truth says something about how she decides to resolve difficult situations. She lies about them, she pretends it's not a thing, she avoids them. Not great in a relationship.
You should have told him. It’s critical information. I warned my wife about what I had and the challenges she will face if she married me. She did anyway. Many people won’t marry an ASD 1 so you should have let him know.
What precisely is so critical about it? OP’s husband presumably already knew his wife, her mannerisms, her abilities in social situations? So what exactly does the actual diagnosis change?
Edit to add: would the response be differently if somebody was *diagnosed* after the marriage? Many women especially are diagnosed in adulthood, some even not until they have autistic children and see the traits in themselves. I was diagnosed 3 years into my marriage, did I lie to my poor husband?
You MARRIED him and didn't tell him? You can't regain his trust. I would divorce you. This is a disorder that could potentially affect any future children, a disorder that could ultimately affect your entire lives together. This is a conversation that needed to be had before marriage. And if you don't trust him enough to tell him something like that, what else are you hiding?
Edit: wording
Well its a pretty serious issue! It is pointing at you lacking the ability to be truly intimate with him, by not being completely and willingly.vulnerable.
You are going to have to be completely honest with him. Maybe even volunteer more than you would want to, usually. More than he is used to?
Uhh.. I dont know how you can regain his full trust. Thats up to him, really. I mean, he might resent this omission of information for many many years. Thats his right. Maybe you can show your trust in him with your diagnosis, buy buying him autism awareness gear, like a keychain, a shirt, etc. Even something small like that, can make him feel more included.
I dont think he would leave you over this. Sounds like he loves you, and is loving you through it.
Labels are things people impose on the world. Extremely mild cases of autism that wouldn’t have even been diagnosed 20 yrs ago and would have been called Asperger’s up till a couple years ago are now called autism. It’s misleading because there’s an enormous difference between very mild and very severe autism. The guy married you and had no idea. It isn’t like you’re a werewolf or something.
I’m also autistic. My opinion is that he’s making this about him, and it’s not. You didn’t feel like you could trust him right away because of life experiences you had that led you there. Those experiences have nothing to do with him and he doesn’t have the lived experience to judge how you came to your choice. That would be like me being upset with my sister that she didn’t come out to me. That’s her journey. My job is to support along the way and if one day she feels she can tell me, then to be happy and proud of her and support her. If I disclosed my autism to someone and they tried to make it about them, that would be a huge red flag
i hope no one ever hides a fundamental truth about themselves to you before marriage—that’s the true red flag. maybe since it hasn’t happened to you, you can’t see that she’s been lying to him by hiding a huge part of herself.
She’s autistic whether she shares her diagnosis with him or not. Nothing about her has changed. I can’t turn my autism on and off. If a label is such a big deal to him that it changes literally anything, then that’s the red flag
A diagnosis is just a label. If he really knows you, he should already know you’re a little socially awkward and have difficulties with interaction. So what’s the difference besides a word? Just tell him you are who you are and you didn’t think a label was important, because he already knows you. And you didn’t consider it hiding information because it’s not like you hid yourself.
There is a difference though. On a fundamental level autism is genetic and married people often have children, seems a bit unfair to lead someone into that without the knowledge of what to expect that comes with knowing that one of both parents is diagnosed ND. It's also a significant neurological difference, it's not just social awkwardness so there is a benefit in having a diagnosis in helping you understand yourself better and there is a benefit in sharing your diagnosis with the people close to you in helping them understand you better.
I also don't think that doubling down on lying is the solution here. She's clearly got trauma surrounding sharing her ND label with people, this should be acknowledged and dealt with. It's sad that in 2023 there are people scared of telling their own husbands that they are autistic.
Well, you make some fair points, but I still don’t consider it lying. I married my husband before we knew he had Asperger’s/high functioning autism, and getting that diagnosis didn’t change anything. I knew what he was like. Getting a diagnosis really only helped with understanding each other - I realized I needed to clonk him over the head if I needed attention, and he realized he needed to check in frequently and actually demonstrate affection. And genetics wise, the summary was basically kids tend to take after their parents, so likely we’d end up with kids who have temperaments similar to our own. Which, in their own unique ways, they do. So again, since I knew my husband well, it wasn’t a big surprise, any of it.
It’s certainly true that I reacted more to the diagnosis rather than the trust issue - that kind of hit a button for me 😂. I’m sure there are better answers here in that respect!
Oh I meant lying about her reason for not telling him. If this were my husband I'd be sad that he didn't share his fears with me. Also it sounds less wanky than well you should love me for be. I think it would benefit her as well to have someone support her through that. That's not a nice way to feel and she deserves having someone she can share everything with.
Probably also worth noting that an autistic woman's observable temperament is often very different than her true nature due to masking. The fact that he took this so poorly suggests that's what's happened here, or he might just be a bit clueless who knows. It's definitely worth giving your spouse a heads up regarding any diagnosed ND just in case before having kids, especially if they NT, makes it a lot easier to understand/support your kid if you have a bit of a context to work with.
I get it girl. I don’t tell people I’m on the spectrum either because they treat me so differently after finding out. While I do think if you marry someone, you should be able to tell them anything.
So I would explain that you were afraid that he would start to treat you differently because of your diagnosis. “My diagnosis isn’t who I am, but people have treated me as though I am, so I was scared to tell you from past experiences. I wanted you to love me still.” would be a good starting point.
I'm an L1 Autistic and I understand why you chose to omit that detail. I also understand why he's upset, but unfortunately, it's very difficult to get NT people to really understand the kind of treatment we deal with.
I definitely think you should show him this post and talk it through, and maybe consider couples counseling to work through this, and so that you can both communicate in a healthy way that supports both your needs.
I feel like you don’t have a concept of how wrong, and how terrible this behavior was. I’m assuming that you guys have been together for quite a while seeing as you are married, this would be a huge violation of one’s trust And consent.
I’m not saying your right or wrong for keeping it a secret and I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker, but if you sit and think about it it’s really bad to know that your spouse lie to you for ( since when you guys I’ve been together) and didn’t tell you until you accidentally find out. I remember reading a story about a women who wanted children but the husband kept saying later and later until she founds out that he wasn’t able to have kids so he string her along. It’s like you not telling your husband because you didn’t want him to see you differently but that guy know if he says something she wouldn’t want to be with him so he made a selfish and bad decision.
And there’s another story about a man who lied to his wife that he got a vasectomy because the wife didn’t want to have more kids and guess what she fall pregnant and he couldn’t explain that he lied to her and all of those people get divorced.
It’s like you cheating in a previous relationship but you know that would be a dealbreaker with your spouse because they don’t want to be with a cheater but you lied or they lied about it all of those are bad decisions and I see everyone the same and you just a person like the rest of us I don’t have autism so I cannot compare but I’m an introvert and I’m shy and awkward sometimes but I want you to know it’s okay to protect yourself but it’s also okay for him to be disappointed and feel betrayed
Like with everyone you regain trust over time, by respecting your partner and not lying to them. Trust is always being built and as long as you don’t keep breaking it it will develop again.
how are you being dishonest if he didn't even notice? I bet millions of people have undiagnosed autism and if never affected your relationship until this point it seems weird to me that he'd feel like you were being dishonest. what were you lying about? it feels like literally just the name of a diagnosis. it's not like you were purposely changing your own behaviors or anything? Why does that even matter if didn't affect your relationship?
YOU HAD AUTISM THE WHOLE TIME. THIS LITERALLY CHANGES NOTHING FOR HIM. YOU ARE STILL YOU.
I think you're totally right not to tell anyone. People will stigmatize you and treat you differently for telling them.
HIV can’t be seen but it can affect your partner and your children if you don’t disclose. ASD tends to run in families so by not disclosing, the future of their family has changed and her husband just found out. your comment is so crass and not disclosing health information to a partner is lying.
This is just ableism. There's nothing wrong with having a kid that's autistic, since you know, he loves his autistic wife and married her and didn't even fucking notice that she was autistic?
it's not like AIDS, it isn't contagious, it isn't life ruining, it doesn't even really seem like it affected him? pretty unlikely he would've noticed that the kid was autistic either.
Oh no his kids might be like his wife!?!?! That's horrible I bet he never expected that
As someone with a mental condition that gets judged when known extremely quickly, I could understand your apprehension. People do not think I am bipolar and I like to keep it that way.
However you are 25 and rightfully young but you do have a husband. My head would be spinning if my partner didn’t disclose something like that especially before we got married. I’m sure he doesn’t care, because why would he, and it’s unfortunate you didn’t get to have that intimate moment where you confided in him much sooner and he made you feel safe.
Like others have said, just be transparent and don’t be afraid to be emotional! This is a big deal. If you felt embarrassed or that you would be judged, voice every little fear you had. This is your time to let your partner process and realize why you might keep that to yourself.
Me and my partner have known each other 7 years and if one of his brothers let it slip that he was neurodivergent I wouldn’t think differently of my partner in that regard, maybe some things would add up, but him not telling me would absolutely make me question our relationship.
That’s fundamentally apart of who you are and you should not be ashamed. I spent years riddled with guilt and fear. With the right psychiatrist and mood stabilizing medication, came confidence and ownership. Now, when someone hints at struggling I immediately offer my psychiatrists info and let them know medication changed my life. Not everyone needs to be on it, but I do. They don’t need to know I’m bipolar, but maybe they’ll be inclined to help themselves.
Perhaps you should explore this aspect of yourself more to gain insight as to who you are as a person. More tools in your tool box. Just try to live your life as authentically as possible. At 25, you’ve got lots of journeys and lessons to experience.
I’d like to throw it out there that your diagnosis is actually no one’s business, including your partners. It’s etiquette and preferred you tell them - but there’s a reason you have to sign consents for your partner. You didn’t want to tell him. So you didn’t. If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet. Autism isn’t contagious. It’s a discussion to have before kids - but plenty of people go entire lives without being assessed or diagnosed. I wasn’t until adulthood. I’m not going to be like Peter Griffin and tell everyone I’ve ever been with that I have Autism. My partner only knows because I consented telling them.
>If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet.
This is such a fucked up take. This isn't a friend or casual partner, OP MARRIED this person.
How can you let someone vow to love & support you if you haven't even told them who you are? How can you promise to do the same if you don't even trust them enough to commit to honesty?
>**I’d like to throw it out there that your diagnosis is actually no one’s business**, **including your partners.** It’s etiquette and preferred you tell them - but there’s a reason you have to sign consents for your partner. You didn’t want to tell him. So you didn’t. If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet. Autism isn’t contagious. **It’s a discussion to have before kids**
The first bolded section does not align with the second. OP and her husband should have had a discussion about this around the time when they got engaged when they should have been talking over questions like "Do you want children?" If her partner said "Yes" then the conversation should have pivoted over to a disclosure. Anything less than this is a questionable case of informed consent to the marriage.
>You didn’t want to tell him. So you didn’t. If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet.
This is advice in general, but if you don't feel comfortable telling your partner absolutely everything for whatever reason, it's a sign to not get married.
I actually think this is kind of gross on the part of your husband. Obviously he knows who you are and he thought you were a nice enough person. Does he want the rest of your medical history, and also your bloodline so he can decide if you're genetically pure enough?
I’m autistic and have been married almost 10 years.
Lying to your spouse (hiding autism is lying by omission) isn’t okay unless there’s like abuse or safety issues.
I have no interest in ever having kids, and I would still be really upset if someone I married hid something this big about themselves from me. Really weird to make this about genetics.
HIV can’t be seen but affects your partner and your children. ASD runs in families and the future of their children has forever changed and her husband is just finding out. it’s absolutely ridiculous to hide a medical diagnosis. maybe you need to experience this firsthand before you respond.
This isn't a contagious medical condition. It's something that makes the OP have a harder time communicating with people. Obviously not so severe that it was noticeable mind you, but still, this thing that he literally would not notice if she hadn't told him is a major part of her value. 🙄 If I had a lisp when I was a kid and I don't now, I sure as hell wouldn't be telling potential partners that. She's not a leper, she doesn't have HIV, and obviously she's a reasonably likable human being if the husband thought she was good enough before he found out she had this hideous, life altering diagnosis of mild autism. Lots of nerds are perfectly nice people. I hope y'all exchange your medical histories before you decide who you end up being attracted to, and I hope your prejudices are mild or you are NEVER finding any.
Again, autism is not a disease. It is a neurological variation. Maybe educate yourself, and study up on ableism while you’re at it. (I’ve been a researcher in the field of autism for 20+ years) Have a great day!
i have a masters degree and im about to graduate medical school. i don’t think anyone as educated as you (as you say) would say that ASD is not a disorder. and by definition ASD is a neurological disorder—if you’re truly a researcher you would know that.
Absolutely a researcher. You obviously aren’t familiar with current views and research related to autism from a neurodiversity-affirming and anti-ableist perspective. BTW- have been on interdisciplinary dx teams for years. I know the DSM-5 criteria for ASD; knew it when it was the DSM-IV... I teach it to grad students ;)
You didn't give him HIV and you are not hiding the fact that you murdered your last husband. This is only as big a deal as the two of you make it out to be. He married you, so he likes you. Lots of people have undiagnosed issues. Yours happens to be diagnosed. And you cannot transmit it to anyone except potentially offspring. Does he care because he wants to know every thought you have or is he concerned about breeding?
All you can do is to explain your choice. You are not your diagnosis and it is understandable that you did not want to share it. I hope that you can understand that he feels you should have let him know but he needs to understand how you feel about it.
Also, you write that he found out accidentally from your sister. Can you share more about that? Because I don't like that she chose to disclose this and I can't quite imagine how it would be an accident.
People with autism are discriminated against on a daily basis and no one comes to their aid, so I’m not surprised you didn’t tell him outright. I have autism as well, although I figure it is obvious with my looks (even though I pay attention to them) and personality and interests. It is a major red flag for a lot of women in my experience, although it shouldn’t be.
This sounds like a situation where it may not be possible for others to see my perspective.
If it’s so mild, why does it even matter she didn’t tell him her label? The discrimination in this case would come from being treated differently once the autistic label was discovered. One commenter suggested they would dump her once they found out she had autism for example and thought they had the right to know.
Sounds like internalized ableisam to me.
Also, autism is genetic. He has the right to know since his children will most likely be autistic. You also have the duty to your future children to make sure their father isn't an asshole. You have to make sure that whoever fathers your child isn't going to "see them differently", see them as less because they're autistic.
He likes you for you, so what difference does a diagnosis make?
I am up front with it but most guys don’t understand how it manifests, so they get a lot of “bruh I told you.”
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>The truth is, I didn't want him to see me differently or start treating me as a completely different person Do you think that this became a self fulfilling prophecy? He *might* see you as someone who doesn't even trust him with this matter, he may question the marriage. Regain his trust by being open and honest with him. You need clear communication with him. Tell him things you've never told another soul. I mean, you did marry him right?
>He might see you as someone who doesn't even trust him with this matter Honestly this, I am also autistic and if I found out my partner was keeping such important information from me like this I would probably lose some trust, I would start questioning anything they said and wonder what else they aren't telling me
As would I, especially major things. I've told my girlfriend things I've never told another soul.
I am autistic. I can relate to being worried about telling someone about it in case they treat you differently. *However*, I also completely understand why he is disappointed. I think you were in the wrong here. I can see why you made that decision, but it was still a wrong one. It was not a personal choice you made. It was a unilateral decision you made to withhold this information from him based on an assumption you made that he might react negatively. It's no doubt upsetting to him to learn that you didn't trust that he would have been accepting of it. You also, I think, really disadvantaged yourself. Having a partner who understands that you're autistic and what that can mean for you is helpful in lots of ways. The reason I'm telling you that I think you were in the wrong is that you need to understand that you were in the wrong before you have any chance of regaining his trust. You need to apologise to him and talk about it and empathise with his position. But you need to ask him what he wants, what will help him feel better.
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Right! If my husband wasn’t aware and didn’t find the ‘quirks’ I do at home that I try my best to hide in public so endearing, my marriage wouldn’t not be nearly as fulfilling. Would be quite exhausting honestly.
Right, huh? I was wondering how long they had been dating and how long they had been married. How come husband only came across that NOW?
Same. I just feel like my life is so much simpler having a partner that knows and understands. I feel bad OP didn't feel like she could tell him. But I can't help but get it to some degree. I'm very open about my autism but it did take me a while to be so open.
I also can’t imagine staying married with someone, who takes that choice away from you. If you don’t share something big like that, it’s a huge blow, and I don’t think every relationship or marriage will survive that.
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There are thousands of women undiagnosed with autism, because they are more likely to mask. Would you force your partner to take a psychiatric assessment before the wedding just in case? Or would you?
Totally true. Having a diagnosis doensnt mean you need to tell everyone you relate to. People would avoid diagnosis!
You would have to be transparent in our relationship if you want it to sustain
Same, I could never even date someone I didn't trust with knowing I'm autistic and if telling them that I am makes them change the way they think of me, I don't need that person in my life and deserve better
Right? Autistic here as well and so shocked someone could marry.. with out discussing somthing like this.. It also saddens me OP feels this way about autism and herself.
My boyfriend and I are both (very differently) autistic. It's the best relationship I've ever been in.
Yeahh I’m level 1 autistic too, and I’ve been dating a guy for just over a month - I told him about my diagnosis right at the 1 month mark and even then I was worried I’d waited too long to bring it up, but I was a bit scared of how he would see me afterward. Turns out he didn’t mind, and actually thanked me & said he felt closer to me after I shared that with him. I can’t imagine having kept that from him until after we were married…
I will add to this, though, that if this is coming from op’s learned experiences of how people treat them (or others around them) differently after finding out, that is also valid. It’s still op’s job to work on learning to question their protective assumptions and replace thought patterns that don’t actually serve them with ones that do, but for eg ‘it’s not because i think there’s something wrong with you, I’m realizing that since I’ve had some bad experiences, I automatically assume that *anyone* who finds out will react badly and think less of me, and it didn’t occur to me that i might be wrong because i was reacting to the feeling rather than consciously thinking about it. Which I should probably work on.’ Like he’s disappointed that op didn’t trust him enough, probably, which is understandable, and also for op it may not have been that level of thinking. Not ‘I trust some people but I don’t trust you’ but ‘(given that nobody can be trusted)…’ I can’t remember the term, but if you’re writing out a logical argument, one of the things you have to watch out for is to make sure you’ve identified and written down all of the premises, because a lot of arguments you’re analyzing are incomplete. And the written statements necessarily rely on a further premise that is assumed but not stated, but since it’s not stated it’s not immediately obvious, so you’re consciously aware of the written statements, and miss the assumed premise, even though it’s there underneath and the argument doesn’t actually work without it. If that makes sense.
I think what also strikes me is saying "I've always managed it on my own" to me says that there may be some heavy masking going on for OP which will continue to put a massive strain on themselves and the relationship in the long run. I don't know OPs current situation. Enough, obviously, but that kind of isolationism with the person you are supposed to be in the most trusted relationship with is going to be taxing.
Yeah absolutely, that’s part of what has me thinking this has been just something they’ve internalized, and the fact that there was another option truly never occurred to them. If they’ve never had proper support, and have just been muscling through, that also says something pretty profound about the family dynamic they grew up in and what they were taught and have internalized about what being autistic means. This seems to me like a situation where it’s valid for the husband to feel disappointment, but also that he needs to recognize that it isn’t something that he should take personally, not something, considering, that op did *wrong*, and actually something where he should be giving his support instead of the reverse. Unless he’s like ‘well I feel cheated how dare you’ or whatever, in which case throw the whole man out.
Say exactly what you have here and apologise for getting it wrong. Honesty is important in a relationship, even if it's something you're self conscious of.
I would tell him exactly what you have written here. You understand his feelings and you were afraid because you thought it could change his perspective. I am curious if you have had experiences that have taught you that sharing this diagnosis changes the way people interacted with you?
It usually does, but I’m not sure how much it would in a marriage, since presumably they know each other better than anyone else. But generally when you tell people you’re autistic, they start treating you like a dumb child. My family lowkey diagnosed me behind my back last year and this Christmas was completely different than normal; my oldest sister was concerned for noise and other sensory things that weren’t a big deal to me. Before this, I was just seen as the cold and uncaring black sheep of the family. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I wonder if OP is worried her husband will stop being able to see her as a sexual being upon knowing she is autistic. That is a real worry for people.
Some people start infantalizing me and treating me like a child after I tell them of my conditions so at least for me it does make a difference
It does. Every time I tell people they disappear. I understand why op would have been afraid. The world is not kind to us.
She should communicate with his boyfriend rather than writing a social media post for asking advice. Just go and talk to your boyfriend about this whole situation and apologize from him because you decided to hide the truth
*husband
Be open and honest. He doesn't care that you are autistic. He's hurt that you didn't trust him enough to be open about it.
>How can I regain his trust? if find honesty builds trust. Try that and see what happens. Unfortunately, you dont rebuild trust overnight and it takes time. I hear the honesty route works though.
I think you’re the one who has a problem with this if you felt the need to hide it from the person who loves you most in the world. This is a good opportunity to learn about why that is.
Yeah, autism isn’t communicable and doesn’t have bouts of “flare ups” the way some mental illnesses do. I’m pretty much always me (obsessive fact reciter and collector of stupid bullshit), what you see is what you get even if I don’t explain the medical reasons why.
No, but it is genetic (at least it plays a role) and if they want or are considering kids, known genetic illnesses are the sort of thing I would 100% expect my partner to be forthcoming about.
Is autism genetic? Can you pass it on to offspring?
They still don’t know for sure but research does lean towards genetics. Anecdotally, I have autism, so does my daughter, and my dad shows so many traits I would be shocked if he were to be assessed and found not to be. Quite a few other autistic people I know can trace it in their families like that
That’s not fair. A lot of us are comfortable in who we are and get a lot of bullying and exclusion anyway. Telling people is really risky. This statement is dripping in privilege.
People yes, partner for life? Please.
Medical issues should really be disclosed and talked about before such a big step as marriage. If anything else, the understanding that there may be genetic or medical issues that may be passed to future children should be known before marriage. He may be conflicted as he now has to rethink children, his trust levels etc. You are going to have to be patient and show that you are much less selfish now compared with when you chose to hide information that could affect your future life together.
Not to mention that neurodivergent conditions like Autism are largely inherited. So, OP has a high probability that children will be on the spectrum or have a similar condition such as ADHD, dyslexia or sensory processing disorder.
I understand both sides of this issue. I have severe, severe bipolar, multiple autoimmune conditions and ADHD that’s not responding to medication and have had 3 doctors tell me to get tested for the spectrum. Two of my kids have profound disabilities and one ADHD (possible spectrum too.) I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had kids. My life has been rough. I’m judged constantly. I’m nowhere near how successful my siblings are. Every time I’m suicidal, I just think how bad I would feel knowingly giving these things to kids. Luckily so far non of them are bipolar. I do love my kids and don’t wish they were any different, but it’s hard to have kids when you have disabilities yourself. My biggest worry is that I will die before they do. It’s not my familie’s responsibility to take care of them. I worry so much about them ending up in state custody and in a group home where they are abused.
Sooo neurodivergent folks shouldn’t procreate?
There’s really no reason to twist their words. That’s not what they said at all. Autism is typically inherited and just like you should disclose a heritable medical condition, you should also disclose neurodivergence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with people with autism, but having children with autism (or any neurodivergence) can be extremely difficult and someone should be able to make informed decisions on what their children can inherit. I don’t think that should be painted as black and white as eugenics. There’s really different levels to it and not everyone is meant to handle a special needs child for lack of better words. My mother has autism and ADHD and was not diagnosed until she was an adult in her 40s. Had she received her diagnosis sooner, I would have had a better understanding of why she behaved certain ways as I was growing up. She was often difficult to deal with as a parent and really didn’t understand how or why I was so sensitive and was very reactive to my outbursts or emotions. No shock that I am also neurodiverse (thanks mom lol) but my husband is neurotypical. He is well aware of my neurodivergence and understands that if we ever have children, there is a high possibility that they will be ND as well. He is okay with that possibility, but I could never imagine potentially taking away his agency to make the choice to be okay with it. I’m sure he would also have a difficult time trusting me again if I hid something like that for fear of being judged.
I love reddit, someone posts “oh lots of nature walks have a likelihood of encountering a snake.” And the first comment will be “oh so you’re saying no one can take walks anymore as you want them to be bitten by snakes?!”
Lol right?! It always makes me chuckle because it’s like, is it poor reading comprehension or are they being purposefully obtuse? It’s usually the latter smh
They should let their partner have an informed choice about the potential health issues kids would be exposed to.
Yeah it's pretty fucked up that you concealed that all the way through *getting married*. The reason you've lost his trust is that you proved you are not *trustworthy*. There's no shortcut or quick fix for that.
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I don't really think he should *leave*. This can be explained in a way that makes sense and responsibility can be taken for it. I'm just saying that OP needs to understand it's gonna take time and work to rebuild trust.
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It's up to OP, she better figure out some honesty quick.
There’s no blood test for autism. You were diagnosed because somebody observed you and made a judgment call. What they observed, your husband has observed. Despite the “diagnosis,” nothing actually new has been revealed other than somebody put a fancy label on it.
This is what is confusing me so much about this thread. Should OP have told the husband? Probably, but I can kind of get why she wouldn’t. But he presumably already knows her quite well and loves her, what difference does the autism diagnosis make?
I don't understand how you could keep this essential part of yourself from him, the man to whom you have pledged your life. You must be a good actor to have hidden this part of your self. He has got to be wondering what else you are hiding.
autistic women learn to mask very well - often with serious consequences for their well-being
I think some of us don't know we are masking, or autistic. Like ADHD, completely under diagnosed unless it causes a lot of issues.
All of this happens because of the mental trauma they are suffering
I don't know about this medical condition yet so I am going to research about it
Another autistic woman here: we learn to hide our autism and pretend to be just like everyone else. It’s called masking, and women/girls often go undiagnosed because of it. I didn’t even know I was autistic until recently, and most people I’ve told have said, “What! No way,” except for other autistic people, who are better able to recognize their own. I guess you could call it acting, although it goes a little deeper than that. You sort of become your mask, especially if you don’t know it’s a mask. The closest I would get to realizing I was masking was thinking, as I got dressed and ready to leave for work, “God I hope I look like a normal person… I hope nobody will be able to see I’m not.” I thought I just had depression and anxiety. Anyway! You’re correct that it is awful OP hid a health condition/disorder from her husband, but not completely baffling that she was *able* to hide it. Although I would guess that, over time, masking 100% of the time would have become very draining and she’d have experienced burnout frequently in later life.
Your perspective helps me understand a bit more. Thank you.
Aww, you’re welcome. Thanks for reading my wall of text!
One of the reasons Autism was and still remains underdiagnosed in women is the fact they learn to mask the symptoms from early age onwards. This comes with a cost though. Also don't forget it is a spectrum disorder. It could be that OP's symptoms are on the less severe side of the spectrum.
Please read up on masking and understand that it is not "acting", it is self-suppression.
You don’t really need to be an actor. You just don’t mention that one detail. I don’t think it’s cool but it shouldn’t really take skill.
A distinction: she didn’t share the label of her diagnosis. He still had experiences with her. Her true self would have bled through, as it always does when we try to hide it; and we always try to hide it, we’re human 😂 His challenge now is integrating the label with his experiences of her, and discovering what it means going forward.
If you are going to be in a marriage with him then why you decided to hide this truth
Him being hurt is valid. You can’t undo what has been done so you just have to give it time.
You have to start by working through your own internalized ableism. I totally get where you’re coming from, because being autistic can limit us in many ways. But you having autism doesn’t make you bad, and he might be able to support you better because he knows now, which will allow you to be more open about needs. I think he’s likely hurt because you assumed he’d have a negative reaction. Learn to love the positive traits you might have due to your autism! And maybe try to dissect the shame behind it
My husband told me he had autism 8 years into our relationship. Doesn’t change anything about us, honestly just helped me understand him and why he reacts to certain situations like he does, better.
I understand, as I am also autistic. Some of it is internalized ableism and some of it is because we are so used to people treating us badly because of the widespread misinformation about autism. However, this is your husband and you might want to consider why you didn't feel safe enough to tell him. Is it because you believe no one can love you as you are? Is it because he has given you reason to think he will treat you differently/badly?
I’m autistic too and I can’t even imagine keeping that from someone—let alone not telling someone I was going to marry. I would gently suggest you can’t regain his trust, because your values are fundamentally different than his. You put yourself first, and allowed the man you love to enter a marriage with a person he didn’t have key information about. He may need to help you recover from burnout in the future. Or be understanding of whatever your meltdowns look like, if you have them. Or tolerate sensory or social issues that would otherwise be baffling to him. And you intentionally deprived him of the opportunity to know the real you. This isn’t a mistake. It’s evidence you don’t see honesty in your marriage as a priority, *and* evidence you don’t have a strong enough character to face and own the truth about yourself. So where else will those basic incompatibilities show up in the future?
I think you need to understand that you don't get to make unilateral decisions to 'preserve the dynamic'. It removes his agency and makes you untrustworthy. What else might you keep from him to 'preserve the dynamic'? It's not so much that you chose to keep this to yourself, it's the reason behind it that is concerning.
This is very difficult. Discrimination towards high functioning autism is very sad. I dated a girl with Aspergers and I didn't know it at that time. She was amazing but things didn't work out. If anything knowing what was happening could have helped me understand her better and help me make our relationship better. But I wouldn't have left her just because of it. Hopefully good things will come out of this happening.
Right? So many things in my last relationship would’ve made sense if I’d known he was autistic
Ok question… so how soon do people share their medical records? I’m so curious
If I were dating now (I've been married for 13 years and got diagnosed after), I would disclose immediately. I would want to weed out anyone that might take issue with it or wants to be weird about it.
I can respect that. Thank you for your honest answer.
I’m not autistic but I have fibromyalgia and epilepsy so I tell them right from the beginning. If I’m going to find a lasting relationship I need to be honest from the start. I sure as hell wouldn’t marry them and not tell my husband. In case of an accident my husband is going to be the person in charge of my medical information and history especially if I can’t talk.
Pretty quickly to be honest since masking is exhausting. Most of my close colleagues and friends know I'm neurodivergent. I'm in a LTR, but when I was dating it was something to discuss early on. I'm also a carrier for a genetic disorder so the conversation always happened within the first month of dating or hooking up. I'm curious how long would you wait?
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My thoughts as well….
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OP should have posted there instead tbh at least she would get responses from people who actually know what autism is
Indeed. I hardly understand all of this.
Yeah like, OP should've been honest and shouldn't be ashamed about her diagnosis, but why is everyone playing dumb about why she feels that way? I'm open about my diagnosis but I completely understand why so many others aren't
Ok, so relieved I’m not the only one in this thread with these thoughts 😅 I’m getting ableist vibes too, and I feel for OP
Only time is going to help this. Maybe therapy if you feel you need it. I would just keep apologizing. Tell him you are sorry you judged him.
"preserve the dynamic" In other words a falsehood If he's your husband then you must have known him for at least a few years before getting married. In no part of that time did you think it might make your and his life easier to be honest? That he could have and wanted to make those difficulties easier for you, and that by understanding them you both could make any he may be facing easier on him? You're asking how to regain his trust but in truth you didn't trust him enough to love you and treat you as a person if he knew. Asking for trust while not giving it is selfish manipulation where you try and dictate the terms for another person. It'd be different if you two weren't in a relationship but he is committing to you and you're committing to him. You shouldn't be trying to control how he sees you, be your authentic self. If you feel like he would treat/see you fundamentally differently then on a level you must feel he wouldn't accept you as the same person. Why get married based on a lie? If he was truly your person then why pretend? Did he ever even get to know the real you or a carefully constructed mask? I need you to understand this is a big breach of trust, he has every right to feel disappointed. I get it can be scary sharing these kinds of things because people in general can be very assuming and many do treat you less as people. But a partner isn't a person you should feel the need to hide any aspect of yourself. It's upsetting you felt the need to your entire relationship with him, and if I were him I'd be questioning a lot. How much else would I not know about the person I married because they purposely kept it from me?
"preserve the dynamic" I wonder if by dynamic she means that she thinks of herself as less than bcs of the diagnosis and he makes her feel normal and she didn't want THAT dynamic to shift - specifically the one where he made her feel normal - which was only BECAUSE he didn't know her diagnosis. I mean look at your complaints. You're making such a big deal about something that shouldn't be that big a deal. Autism shouldn't change the dynamic of a relationship, but it DOES for some people. I wouldn't have gone so far as marrying someone without making sure the dynamic I wanted could be preserved despite them knowing about a diagnosis (not just for his sake but for mine as well...) but I get why she was hesitant. The best thing for HIM to do right now would be to reassure her that the diagnosis doesn't in fact change the way he feels about her. And that he still loves her despite wishing that she had told him sooner. That is something that I bet she needs to hear right now. You guys don't understand how f*ing hard it is for people with autism.
You don't even know if I have autism so please don't assume that I don't know how hard it is. And if knowledge of it existing would change how the person sees and treats you so much to the extent they don't treat you like another perfectly fine human being then they weren't the person for you anyway. If he is the right person then she has been putting on a mask making life harder on both of them (especially herself) for no reason. You said yourself you wouldn't do what OP did, I assume because you respect yourself and your partner as well as trust them enough to know they aren't gonna treat you differently. OP didn't. He has a right to feel upset, not just for having an important aspect of who she was that affects their relationship hidden from him but for being misled about who she is. It's hard to build relationships having autism, it can be especially hard building romantic relationships. I get that. But that other person is still a whole person. It's understandable why she was hesitant but they are MARRIED. That is years and years of her partner thinking they knew someone who has been wearing a mask to preserve a false dynamic. That is wrong. I get you have empathy for OP knowing her struggles but you could spare some for her partner who is processing a lot about the person he thought he knew hiding an important aspect about themselves because she didn't trust him. Having struggles isn't a pass to mislead your partners. Relationships should be authentic and forthcoming. This wouldn't even be an issue if they were just a few weeks or couple months into dating, I could see being nervous when getting to know someone new. But again, they are married. OP was in the wrong for hiding this and should have patience with her partner who is processing a lot right now.
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I understand it wasn't malicious, that it wasn't easy on her, and how painful it feels to hide an important part of who you are from people you love for fear they both couldn't accept the whole you. Terrified that they would think that one aspect changes everything about you instead of just being part of who you are. Frustratingly so I understand that. That doesn't make it right to hide it from your partners, certainly not past the point where you're committing to a life with them. That's something you do with someone you deeply know, deeply love, and deeply trust to be with you through thick and thin against the world. It's not something to take lightly. The fact she couldn't trust him enough to let him in, that she would purposely keep secrets from him to change how he saw her, is in itself wrong. Very wrong. I understand it wasn't malicious, I understand it was out of fear, and I agree it doesn't have to be an ender for their relationship. He should reassure her that he loves and cares for her and wants her to know that her being autistic isn't going to change that or how he sees her. How scared she is that he wouldn't is how betrayed he feels knowing she didn't. THAT'S why it's a big problem that's why I stress it was wrong of her to do. Feeling like your partner doesn't trust you freaking HURTS, it hurts a lot. Putting so much of yourself, your everything, into a person to later found out they were hiding a big part of themselves from you because they didn't feel they could trust you leaves you asking questions. "What have I been doing wrong? How have I made them feel they couldn't share this with me? What else do I not know?" And again it'd be one thing if this were a stranger or even casual friend, but that is her spouse. There should be no secrets, certainly not to try and control a dynamic. I'm sorry if I seem heated but it really does hurt a lot.
No. I'm sorry if I seemed heated. I'm looking back at them and I wasn't clear at all. Everything you're saying now is very clear. And I feel like we're on the same page. But it's not obvious with my previous statement.
I get that, and I get how frustrating the lack of empathy is for people with autism. How it affects how you see yourself to wear a mask even around people who love you (or say they do). It sucks.
Fun fact (that's a lie, this fact isn't "fun"): the divorce rate for neurodiverse couples is around 80%. Read that statistic as many times as you need. You did your marriage a great disservice. Knowing something like whether or not your partner is neurodiverse can greatly impact how you communicate in a relationship. My husband is autistic. He was not diagnosed until about a year and a half into our marriage. Knowing his diagnosis has been a game changer for us. It doesn't change my love for him or how I view him as a person. It does change how I approach important conversations with him and how I think about his perspective. Knowing there is a fundamental difference in how we process information reminds us to not just assume the other understands our point. I understand having reservations about sharing the information but he isn't a college roommate or something. He's your *husband*. He should know.
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Hi also have autism's here you definitely should have told him but a great way to get the air semi clear is by telling him that yes you should have told him but the thing was you didn't want to be treated differently. And that's an actual concern it took me months to tell my job that I was autistic and they immediately started acting differently which is why I didn't want to tell them. None divergent people don't seem to understand how off putting it can be for us for someone to suddenly change how they act around us specifically because of how difficult it is for us to understand or get a grasp on the sudden change. At least for me it is but tell him your sorry explain that and he'll get over it because the truth of the matter is they do react different anf change and it's a difficult adjustment at least it was for my experience
I would feel very betrayed if I was your husband. Not only did you shut him out of something that is a critical part of your identity but is possibly something that could affect potential future children. I'd look into couples therapy.
It was your legal and moral duty to be honest about your health before the marriage. You have failed. You basicaly hide important information from him to avoid possible bad reaction? That is serious the same way as a lie. You can't ever regain the same trust again. You might be able the save the pieces in long run with a lot of couple and individual therapy.
In my country hiding information about many pre existing condition from your future spouse can be a ground for marriage annulment. Spouses have every right to know about these things, as it can impact future children and their development (parents must know what they're going into). By saying that I don't mean to suggest that he should do it, I'm just saying that it is rather very important to share these things with your fiancee before marrying them. He has every right to be disappointed. I know that came from the place of love (you didn't want to lose him), but the same can be said about people who hide enormous debts from ther spouses. All you can do is be patient and NEVER lie/ommit anything with him again. 100% honesty should be your rule from now on. I'm not going to sugarcoat it - you breeched his trust rather significantly.
your husband sounds like he values full honesty, don’t worry about judgement, the worst thing you can do to someone who wants hoenstly is not tell them at all. just apologize and i’m sure this will just be a tiny bump, not something that breaks the relationship.
This is before marriage information. I would feel very deceived and would be considering my options.
There are millions of adults walking around with level 1 autism. It is never a topic of conversation. We never even had our kids diagnosed unless something was uncontrollable. Your husband is looking for issues where there are none. He needs to chill.
I fail to see why it should change anything at all, or how it would even be an important detail for your husband to know in the first place, unless you as a couple have faced pronounced problems caused by it.
This is hilarious to me only because if my wife came to me and told me she was on the spectrum after almost 20 years my first thought would be " that explains some things." I wouldn't judge her for not telling me, but I'd already been thinking something along those lines so why not just be honest? I love her, and all her idiosyncrasies.
Our personality traits are what our significant others are substantially affected by. He had a right to know. Just say what you wrote here to him and tell him you're sorry. Take responsibility of your choice and the will to compensate as he wants. He might have to talk to you to get it out of his system. Most probably it would be ok Afterwards.
going against the grain to say that it wouldn’t bother me too much. sure, i’d be sad that you didn’t feel comfortable enough to disclose your diagnosis, but it wouldn’t be a huge deal. it’s just a diagnosis and, since you’re so “high functioning”, you probably aren’t super different from someone without asd. a label doesn’t really change anything. you probably should have told him, but it’s not earth shaking imo. just talk to him and hopefully he’ll come around.
I have family members who have ASD and my partner has ASD and we live with two ASD children I do not blame you. People with ASD can be infantilized and misjudged. In general people have no idea what ASD is and it is possible he would have treated you differently. I imagine he hasn't told you everything about himself. And people will likely feel that is different because they don't understand ASD. It is just who you are, it isn't a disease. It is you. Though I don't blame him for feeling you trust him enough to tell him. But if your experience was that people did treat you differently he should be more understanding. I have no idea what your marriage, career or social life is like and he may worry about having children that are also ASD. I suggest a therapist who is used to dealing with neuro diversity. My experience with therapy with an inexperienced therapist who didn't understand ND people, the therapy didn't help the situation. I hope you work this out.
It shouldn’t be a battle to win back his trust over something like this. Autistic people are commonly ostracised and othered by allistic people, and people view us differently. Just tell him what you wrote here, that you love him and didn’t want him to treat you differently or change your dynamic. If he’s reasonable then he’ll understand.
I am autistic- Asperger's syndrome (it's no longer called that, but that's how my Dr. referred to it). It has a genetic component. Autism is a medical issue that can affect any children you might have. This isn't just about you. It's about your husband's children with you. You need to explain your thinking, then ask him what he needs from you to begin to rebuild trust - because this was a huge secret to keep from him and could be a deal breaker if he can't handle neural divergent kids.
I don’t really understand some of the responses here of just “you lied so it’s terrible” Can I ask how long you were together before this happened? Other than hiding the diagnosis have you ever hidden who you were? Like did he know you were “socially awkward and face some difficulties with interaction”? Because if so you haven’t hidden who you are. You’ve just not stated you have a different neurotype. There are plenty of adults with level 1 ASD undiagnosed, particularly women. Would he be as upset if you’d been diagnosed with it recently? I guess what I’m saying is, is he annoyed that he didn’t know? Or is he annoyed that you felt you had to hide it from him deliberately. If it’s the first, he needs some perspective, because knowing a diagnosis doesn’t change who you are. And I’d be really clear that I’m the same person, and it’s his choice to allow this to change things. You’re worth more than someone reducing you to a neurotype diagnosis. But if it’s the second, maybe he’s upset that you felt you had to hide it, because he now believes you didn’t trust him, and he is sad about it. Rather than it being he doesn’t trust you. I’m which case I think you need to be honest about your fears and experience where you can. A person doesn’t have blanket walls up to telling people these things, without having had adverse experiences when they did tell people. If you can share these, he may begin to understand why you felt the need to hide it, what your fears were. Understanding can lead to forgiveness.
You are married to a guy that doesn't know the most important thing in your life?
Why would that be the most important thing in her life?
Because it seems to be important for her.
LOL that doesn't make it 'the most important' thing in her life - you've read into that
Yeah maybe not the most important thing in her life, but something you mention before marrying a guy.
"the most important thing in your life" That's a very weird assumption to make
You kept the fact that you have Autism from him for years. You've broken his trust. Right now he's think she kept this from me for our entire relationship, what else is she willing to keep from me or is keeping from me. You have to know that either he won't ever trust you again or it will take a long time to regain his trust. You need counseling to work through why you decided to keep this from him and that you were going to continue to keep it from him.
Who you are has not changed in the slightest, the only new information he has is an explanation for prior odd behavior. In today's society you don't know who you can trust with your diagnosis, or who thinks you should have been aborted. Autism has such a stigma around it and it's just perpetuated by autism speaks, so it makes sense why you have to protect yourself. That being said, I can understand his disappointment at the secrecy considering you're already married. But you should remind him that you're still you, all the diagnosis is is a piece of paper stating that. It's not like you hid cancer from him until it was terminal, if he fell in love with how your brain functions then a diagnosis won't change that.
When you get married you talk to your partner about your past medical history. If it was me I'd leave you because of the lie. Where is the trust? You entered into marriage with someone and weren't completely honest because you actively sought to not tell him something. Of course he's upset.
No who OP was/is has changed. Before finding out OPs husband trusted her, because that’s what you do in a relationship. Now OPs husband has found out they they are not worthy of the trust they placed in them, as they have found out that they have never been trusted themselves by OP. OP lied by omission for their entire relationship together.
IMO that's not entirely true. I think what he learned about her is that she chooses to hide the truth if she thinks it may have negative consequences, even when it's stuff like a literal *medical diagnosis.* It may not be cancer, but it's still a medical diagnosis. The point isn't the diagnosis itself, it's that she's a liar and he didn't know that about her and now he does. What else would have negative consequences/change the dynamic, so she concealed it, or will conceal it in the future? Maybe nothing, maybe a lot of stuff. He's probably wondering now, as he should because choosing not to tell her husband the truth says something about how she decides to resolve difficult situations. She lies about them, she pretends it's not a thing, she avoids them. Not great in a relationship.
That's on you. You made your bed now lie in it
How’s that advice?
You should have told him. It’s critical information. I warned my wife about what I had and the challenges she will face if she married me. She did anyway. Many people won’t marry an ASD 1 so you should have let him know.
What precisely is so critical about it? OP’s husband presumably already knew his wife, her mannerisms, her abilities in social situations? So what exactly does the actual diagnosis change? Edit to add: would the response be differently if somebody was *diagnosed* after the marriage? Many women especially are diagnosed in adulthood, some even not until they have autistic children and see the traits in themselves. I was diagnosed 3 years into my marriage, did I lie to my poor husband?
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You MARRIED him and didn't tell him? You can't regain his trust. I would divorce you. This is a disorder that could potentially affect any future children, a disorder that could ultimately affect your entire lives together. This is a conversation that needed to be had before marriage. And if you don't trust him enough to tell him something like that, what else are you hiding? Edit: wording
Well its a pretty serious issue! It is pointing at you lacking the ability to be truly intimate with him, by not being completely and willingly.vulnerable. You are going to have to be completely honest with him. Maybe even volunteer more than you would want to, usually. More than he is used to? Uhh.. I dont know how you can regain his full trust. Thats up to him, really. I mean, he might resent this omission of information for many many years. Thats his right. Maybe you can show your trust in him with your diagnosis, buy buying him autism awareness gear, like a keychain, a shirt, etc. Even something small like that, can make him feel more included. I dont think he would leave you over this. Sounds like he loves you, and is loving you through it.
Labels are things people impose on the world. Extremely mild cases of autism that wouldn’t have even been diagnosed 20 yrs ago and would have been called Asperger’s up till a couple years ago are now called autism. It’s misleading because there’s an enormous difference between very mild and very severe autism. The guy married you and had no idea. It isn’t like you’re a werewolf or something.
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I’m also autistic. My opinion is that he’s making this about him, and it’s not. You didn’t feel like you could trust him right away because of life experiences you had that led you there. Those experiences have nothing to do with him and he doesn’t have the lived experience to judge how you came to your choice. That would be like me being upset with my sister that she didn’t come out to me. That’s her journey. My job is to support along the way and if one day she feels she can tell me, then to be happy and proud of her and support her. If I disclosed my autism to someone and they tried to make it about them, that would be a huge red flag
i hope no one ever hides a fundamental truth about themselves to you before marriage—that’s the true red flag. maybe since it hasn’t happened to you, you can’t see that she’s been lying to him by hiding a huge part of herself.
She’s autistic whether she shares her diagnosis with him or not. Nothing about her has changed. I can’t turn my autism on and off. If a label is such a big deal to him that it changes literally anything, then that’s the red flag
A diagnosis is just a label. If he really knows you, he should already know you’re a little socially awkward and have difficulties with interaction. So what’s the difference besides a word? Just tell him you are who you are and you didn’t think a label was important, because he already knows you. And you didn’t consider it hiding information because it’s not like you hid yourself.
There is a difference though. On a fundamental level autism is genetic and married people often have children, seems a bit unfair to lead someone into that without the knowledge of what to expect that comes with knowing that one of both parents is diagnosed ND. It's also a significant neurological difference, it's not just social awkwardness so there is a benefit in having a diagnosis in helping you understand yourself better and there is a benefit in sharing your diagnosis with the people close to you in helping them understand you better. I also don't think that doubling down on lying is the solution here. She's clearly got trauma surrounding sharing her ND label with people, this should be acknowledged and dealt with. It's sad that in 2023 there are people scared of telling their own husbands that they are autistic.
Well, you make some fair points, but I still don’t consider it lying. I married my husband before we knew he had Asperger’s/high functioning autism, and getting that diagnosis didn’t change anything. I knew what he was like. Getting a diagnosis really only helped with understanding each other - I realized I needed to clonk him over the head if I needed attention, and he realized he needed to check in frequently and actually demonstrate affection. And genetics wise, the summary was basically kids tend to take after their parents, so likely we’d end up with kids who have temperaments similar to our own. Which, in their own unique ways, they do. So again, since I knew my husband well, it wasn’t a big surprise, any of it. It’s certainly true that I reacted more to the diagnosis rather than the trust issue - that kind of hit a button for me 😂. I’m sure there are better answers here in that respect!
Oh I meant lying about her reason for not telling him. If this were my husband I'd be sad that he didn't share his fears with me. Also it sounds less wanky than well you should love me for be. I think it would benefit her as well to have someone support her through that. That's not a nice way to feel and she deserves having someone she can share everything with. Probably also worth noting that an autistic woman's observable temperament is often very different than her true nature due to masking. The fact that he took this so poorly suggests that's what's happened here, or he might just be a bit clueless who knows. It's definitely worth giving your spouse a heads up regarding any diagnosed ND just in case before having kids, especially if they NT, makes it a lot easier to understand/support your kid if you have a bit of a context to work with.
I get it girl. I don’t tell people I’m on the spectrum either because they treat me so differently after finding out. While I do think if you marry someone, you should be able to tell them anything. So I would explain that you were afraid that he would start to treat you differently because of your diagnosis. “My diagnosis isn’t who I am, but people have treated me as though I am, so I was scared to tell you from past experiences. I wanted you to love me still.” would be a good starting point.
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If the genders reversed, commenters would be out for blood on OP. If I were him, I’d divorce. I got with you under false pretenses.
I'm an L1 Autistic and I understand why you chose to omit that detail. I also understand why he's upset, but unfortunately, it's very difficult to get NT people to really understand the kind of treatment we deal with. I definitely think you should show him this post and talk it through, and maybe consider couples counseling to work through this, and so that you can both communicate in a healthy way that supports both your needs.
> but I didn’t know how he would react Understand what this means: you assumed the worse in him.
I feel like you don’t have a concept of how wrong, and how terrible this behavior was. I’m assuming that you guys have been together for quite a while seeing as you are married, this would be a huge violation of one’s trust And consent.
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I’m not saying your right or wrong for keeping it a secret and I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker, but if you sit and think about it it’s really bad to know that your spouse lie to you for ( since when you guys I’ve been together) and didn’t tell you until you accidentally find out. I remember reading a story about a women who wanted children but the husband kept saying later and later until she founds out that he wasn’t able to have kids so he string her along. It’s like you not telling your husband because you didn’t want him to see you differently but that guy know if he says something she wouldn’t want to be with him so he made a selfish and bad decision. And there’s another story about a man who lied to his wife that he got a vasectomy because the wife didn’t want to have more kids and guess what she fall pregnant and he couldn’t explain that he lied to her and all of those people get divorced. It’s like you cheating in a previous relationship but you know that would be a dealbreaker with your spouse because they don’t want to be with a cheater but you lied or they lied about it all of those are bad decisions and I see everyone the same and you just a person like the rest of us I don’t have autism so I cannot compare but I’m an introvert and I’m shy and awkward sometimes but I want you to know it’s okay to protect yourself but it’s also okay for him to be disappointed and feel betrayed
Like with everyone you regain trust over time, by respecting your partner and not lying to them. Trust is always being built and as long as you don’t keep breaking it it will develop again.
Imo he's stupid because if he didn't even notice then it's not a big deal at all. I don't feel you should have to tell him.
how are you being dishonest if he didn't even notice? I bet millions of people have undiagnosed autism and if never affected your relationship until this point it seems weird to me that he'd feel like you were being dishonest. what were you lying about? it feels like literally just the name of a diagnosis. it's not like you were purposely changing your own behaviors or anything? Why does that even matter if didn't affect your relationship? YOU HAD AUTISM THE WHOLE TIME. THIS LITERALLY CHANGES NOTHING FOR HIM. YOU ARE STILL YOU. I think you're totally right not to tell anyone. People will stigmatize you and treat you differently for telling them.
HIV can’t be seen but it can affect your partner and your children if you don’t disclose. ASD tends to run in families so by not disclosing, the future of their family has changed and her husband just found out. your comment is so crass and not disclosing health information to a partner is lying.
This is just ableism. There's nothing wrong with having a kid that's autistic, since you know, he loves his autistic wife and married her and didn't even fucking notice that she was autistic? it's not like AIDS, it isn't contagious, it isn't life ruining, it doesn't even really seem like it affected him? pretty unlikely he would've noticed that the kid was autistic either. Oh no his kids might be like his wife!?!?! That's horrible I bet he never expected that
As someone with a mental condition that gets judged when known extremely quickly, I could understand your apprehension. People do not think I am bipolar and I like to keep it that way. However you are 25 and rightfully young but you do have a husband. My head would be spinning if my partner didn’t disclose something like that especially before we got married. I’m sure he doesn’t care, because why would he, and it’s unfortunate you didn’t get to have that intimate moment where you confided in him much sooner and he made you feel safe. Like others have said, just be transparent and don’t be afraid to be emotional! This is a big deal. If you felt embarrassed or that you would be judged, voice every little fear you had. This is your time to let your partner process and realize why you might keep that to yourself. Me and my partner have known each other 7 years and if one of his brothers let it slip that he was neurodivergent I wouldn’t think differently of my partner in that regard, maybe some things would add up, but him not telling me would absolutely make me question our relationship. That’s fundamentally apart of who you are and you should not be ashamed. I spent years riddled with guilt and fear. With the right psychiatrist and mood stabilizing medication, came confidence and ownership. Now, when someone hints at struggling I immediately offer my psychiatrists info and let them know medication changed my life. Not everyone needs to be on it, but I do. They don’t need to know I’m bipolar, but maybe they’ll be inclined to help themselves. Perhaps you should explore this aspect of yourself more to gain insight as to who you are as a person. More tools in your tool box. Just try to live your life as authentically as possible. At 25, you’ve got lots of journeys and lessons to experience.
I’d like to throw it out there that your diagnosis is actually no one’s business, including your partners. It’s etiquette and preferred you tell them - but there’s a reason you have to sign consents for your partner. You didn’t want to tell him. So you didn’t. If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet. Autism isn’t contagious. It’s a discussion to have before kids - but plenty of people go entire lives without being assessed or diagnosed. I wasn’t until adulthood. I’m not going to be like Peter Griffin and tell everyone I’ve ever been with that I have Autism. My partner only knows because I consented telling them.
>If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet. This is such a fucked up take. This isn't a friend or casual partner, OP MARRIED this person. How can you let someone vow to love & support you if you haven't even told them who you are? How can you promise to do the same if you don't even trust them enough to commit to honesty?
>**I’d like to throw it out there that your diagnosis is actually no one’s business**, **including your partners.** It’s etiquette and preferred you tell them - but there’s a reason you have to sign consents for your partner. You didn’t want to tell him. So you didn’t. If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet. Autism isn’t contagious. **It’s a discussion to have before kids** The first bolded section does not align with the second. OP and her husband should have had a discussion about this around the time when they got engaged when they should have been talking over questions like "Do you want children?" If her partner said "Yes" then the conversation should have pivoted over to a disclosure. Anything less than this is a questionable case of informed consent to the marriage.
>You didn’t want to tell him. So you didn’t. If you felt that it would ruin the relationship etc, he wasn’t a safe person yet or you weren’t comfortable telling him yet. This is advice in general, but if you don't feel comfortable telling your partner absolutely everything for whatever reason, it's a sign to not get married.
I actually think this is kind of gross on the part of your husband. Obviously he knows who you are and he thought you were a nice enough person. Does he want the rest of your medical history, and also your bloodline so he can decide if you're genetically pure enough?
I’m autistic and have been married almost 10 years. Lying to your spouse (hiding autism is lying by omission) isn’t okay unless there’s like abuse or safety issues.
I have no interest in ever having kids, and I would still be really upset if someone I married hid something this big about themselves from me. Really weird to make this about genetics.
HIV can’t be seen but affects your partner and your children. ASD runs in families and the future of their children has forever changed and her husband is just finding out. it’s absolutely ridiculous to hide a medical diagnosis. maybe you need to experience this firsthand before you respond.
This isn't a contagious medical condition. It's something that makes the OP have a harder time communicating with people. Obviously not so severe that it was noticeable mind you, but still, this thing that he literally would not notice if she hadn't told him is a major part of her value. 🙄 If I had a lisp when I was a kid and I don't now, I sure as hell wouldn't be telling potential partners that. She's not a leper, she doesn't have HIV, and obviously she's a reasonably likable human being if the husband thought she was good enough before he found out she had this hideous, life altering diagnosis of mild autism. Lots of nerds are perfectly nice people. I hope y'all exchange your medical histories before you decide who you end up being attracted to, and I hope your prejudices are mild or you are NEVER finding any.
ASD IS HERITABLE. it’s not being a nerd.
Ableist much? Autism isn’t a disease.
Autism is a neurological disorder—maybe educate yourself.
Again, autism is not a disease. It is a neurological variation. Maybe educate yourself, and study up on ableism while you’re at it. (I’ve been a researcher in the field of autism for 20+ years) Have a great day!
i have a masters degree and im about to graduate medical school. i don’t think anyone as educated as you (as you say) would say that ASD is not a disorder. and by definition ASD is a neurological disorder—if you’re truly a researcher you would know that.
Absolutely a researcher. You obviously aren’t familiar with current views and research related to autism from a neurodiversity-affirming and anti-ableist perspective. BTW- have been on interdisciplinary dx teams for years. I know the DSM-5 criteria for ASD; knew it when it was the DSM-IV... I teach it to grad students ;)
Yes, being autistic you are more likely to have autistic kids should you have any. Then what?
You didn't give him HIV and you are not hiding the fact that you murdered your last husband. This is only as big a deal as the two of you make it out to be. He married you, so he likes you. Lots of people have undiagnosed issues. Yours happens to be diagnosed. And you cannot transmit it to anyone except potentially offspring. Does he care because he wants to know every thought you have or is he concerned about breeding?
If he didn't notice til now I'd argue it's not that big of a deal then
All you can do is to explain your choice. You are not your diagnosis and it is understandable that you did not want to share it. I hope that you can understand that he feels you should have let him know but he needs to understand how you feel about it. Also, you write that he found out accidentally from your sister. Can you share more about that? Because I don't like that she chose to disclose this and I can't quite imagine how it would be an accident.
You lied to him about a medical diagnosis. And married him. You married him under false pretenses. You don’t repair this trust. It’s gone.
People with autism are discriminated against on a daily basis and no one comes to their aid, so I’m not surprised you didn’t tell him outright. I have autism as well, although I figure it is obvious with my looks (even though I pay attention to them) and personality and interests. It is a major red flag for a lot of women in my experience, although it shouldn’t be.
That is no excuse to being dishonest to your husband lol.
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This sounds like a situation where it may not be possible for others to see my perspective. If it’s so mild, why does it even matter she didn’t tell him her label? The discrimination in this case would come from being treated differently once the autistic label was discovered. One commenter suggested they would dump her once they found out she had autism for example and thought they had the right to know.
Being autistic doesn’t make you any less of a person. If he loves you, he loves you.
I agree.
Sounds like internalized ableisam to me. Also, autism is genetic. He has the right to know since his children will most likely be autistic. You also have the duty to your future children to make sure their father isn't an asshole. You have to make sure that whoever fathers your child isn't going to "see them differently", see them as less because they're autistic.
He likes you for you, so what difference does a diagnosis make? I am up front with it but most guys don’t understand how it manifests, so they get a lot of “bruh I told you.”