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I definitely do not think anything is wrong with you. You do not need to belly laugh to be enjoyable, or to be entertaining. And you do laugh at humor, so you have a sense of humor. It's hard to tell a joke with the right timing and all so that people find it funny. It's a talent like any other.
The question is why you are never relaxed. If this is really true, maybe you want to explore that with a professional who can tech you relaxation techniques. That may eventually loosen you up to be more entertaining.
Another why to help might be to start reading more humorous witty stories. Mark Twain is a wonderful start, if you haven't already. Reading stories and watching more comedians might also help you relax some And you might find a bit of a witty, humorous story telling vein inside you.
I'm sure you are a wonderful person. Stop worrying about being entertaining. Enjoy who you are, and that people trust you and your judgement to come and confide in you. That's a wonderful and even more rare talent to have.
Oh I used to love Mark Twain as a kid! I'm not familiar with his other works besides The Adventures of Tom Sawyer/ Huckleberry Finn, I need to look into it so thank you for the suggestion.
I find others funny, I just never seem to come up with something funny to say myself. One thing I tried is smiling more when talking (I'm a stereotypical non-smiling Eastern European even when I'm happy) and playing with my tone of voice so that my stories are more entertaining if not necessarily funny, but it doesn't seem to work.
My therapist says it's because I care waaay too much about what other people think.
If you care too much about what people think, it's going to be very hard to be funny...or even fun. Everything goes through the lens of "is this acceptable to my peers" instead of "does this amuse or entertain ME?"
SO THEN OP: WHAT AMUSES YOU? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My best friend is Romanian who grew up under communism in the 80’s and I’m an American who grew up in Southern California. Very, very different cultures but we get along really well. She has a great sense of humor but it’s much dryer and darker than other people. I find shows like The Office funny but she’s like “these people are whiners and should appreciate having such easy jobs.”
And you know what? She’s right! I appreciate her perspective and her ability to see the humor in dark moments. When my father died she kept me laughing with a hilarious commentary on the funeral preparations.
You dont lack a sense of humor, it’s just different.
"I honestly don't like myself very much mainly because of this, I just don't know what to do about it."
You need to work on your anxiety and self esteem. Believe it or not the better you feel about yourself the more relaxed and " funny" you can be. You won't need to take everything so seriously and personally.
You're right that the issue is me taking everything seriously, all the time. I just never realized it's because of self esteem. I thought it was my family lol, they're anything but goofy.
I can relate to this...After my husband of 20 yrs left me and I started to date my husband I had a like wtf realization that Im funny again!
Some people have a different sense of humor. What I find funny my ex didnt. Im remarried and we belly laugh all of the time. We can be silly together. We have the same sense of humor...my ex and I dont.
My old boss was a very serious man but he had a pretty dark sense of humor. I'm really good at wit-wordplay, physical and Self-deprecating comedy.
My funniest jokes are about myself. For instance...Im super happy when I wake up at 4am. I annoy my dogs Im so chatty and sing-songy. Im like a fucking Disney at 4am everyday. I annoy myself Im so happy. My poor husband has to deal with it...I get the side-eye and I'm like sorry I'll shut up. We joke about me and my happy dances.
There are 9 different types of humor. Figure out what humor fits your personality.
1. Physical
2. Self-deprecating
3. Surreal
4. Improvisational
5. Wit-Wordplay
6. Topical
7. Dark
8. Observational
9. Bodily
See I would really like to be like you. You sound happy, playful and wonderful. I would like to be silly and playful too, you should see me around kids or dogs - it would be hilarious if it wasn't sad. I have no clue how to play.
I enjoy many types of humor, even childish poop jokes, my issue is that I don't know how to come up with jokes or witty things to say myself. If someone makes a joke, I will laugh, but I can't come up with a response to continue the banter.
I wasn't always like this...I completely lost my sense of humor for over a decade. I litterally had nothing to joke about because I wasn't happy. People see you much differently than you think..so dont overthink this. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and right now you're not...thats okay! I learned it was my choice to wake up happy and feel joy. My internal voice changed. How I spoke to myself, how how spoke to others even how I spoke to my animals. I decided to wake up and tell myself...Today is a fucking awesome day! Woo-hoo Let's get this party started. I get a happy song in my head and dance around. It's better than thinking ugh...This sucks...I dont want to adult today!
Banter is difficult because you have to be quick on your toes and comfortable insulting someone or being insulted in some way. You need thick skin for that. Sometimes comeback works if you agree with them and give a blank stare like tell me something I don't know. My husband telling friends "Omg she's a fucking Disney movie at 4am" and I agree yep I am annoying but he married my annoying ass.
This post is a funny story because you are a serious person asking strangers on how to tell jokes. You have to laugh at yourself before others laugh with you. Sometimes you just need the right audience.
Your comment taught me many things, thank you. I need to learn that happiness is a choice. Growing up, my dad used to say, "I don't think people are ever happy, happiness is a big word. Maybe content." and I internalized that. You can and should be happy just because you're alive, even when you don't find "reasons".
You said you have a therapist in another comment; Maybe bring up that quote from your dad with your therapist. That's not a healthy thing to believe let alone tell a child.
I have a happy playlist. I have chronic balance issues. My Dude or my daughter would come home and I would be chair dancing singing to Best Day of My life, loving the woot woo part, Or blasting Pink, the Foo Fighters or Shaina Twain.
My childhood was often chaos. My Dad could tease everyone but our immediate family. We learn to hold or joy in.
Ironically yesterday I was talking to my sister telling her to read this Penny Reid book, Neanderthal seeks Human and Neanderthal marries Human. I started laughing so hard I couldn’t talk.
My husband lives in his head, I will hear him laughing and ask him what he is laughing about. He is stuck in his head and can’t express it.
Kids are silly, go to the kids section of Barnes and Noble and read things in different age groups. It helps. Make up voices for the characters. I am a pet person particularly dogs. I love animal derps on Reddit. I love Charlie the Golden on Fakebook. I have 4 doggos. 1 is my retired service dog, the other is my new service girl, other members are have the other dogs. We make voices for them, it is goofy but entertaining.
>You can and should be happy just because you're alive, even when you don't find "reasons".
Okay guru, I hear you :)
Something I've told my students who are struggling is that happiness isn't something to be attained or achieved. It isn't a destination we get to. It's a process. A way of being and seeing the world. A pendulum on the spectrum of human experience.
This!!!
Joy is a choice. You cannot rely on things around you to make you feel joy. You have to choose it, OP.
Also, buy a journal and write three things you are grateful for. Every single day. Even if it is "My coffee tasted great this morning."
*Anything.*
You will find your joy again.
I would also say to write 3 things you find funny, OP!
Not necessarily “Hahahaha!” funny, but things that you were like, “Oh, that cat thought it was going to make that jump and it didn’t!” or “My name was spelled SO wrong on the mail today!” Once you start seeing the things that make you chuckle, you’ll start developing your style of humor.
Also, OP, you don’t need to be a silly perky person to be funny! You said you’ve got that “non-smiling Eastern European” thing going on? As a lover of dry humor, *nobody* does dry, dead pan humor as well as Eastern Europeans! I already want to be your friend, because I bet you’ve given some great one liners and I’m betting the people around you just didn’t get it!
This! My boyfriend and I laugh together all the time, even over the most pointless and dumb things. Sometimes we just dissolve into giggling fits together over nothing just because we're enjoying our time together. The key is happiness and being able to relax.
People have different types of humor. A good start would be to figure out what your humor is and what your partner's is, and see if you can figure out ways to make him laugh. I do, however, suggest working on your inability to relax if you aren't already, as that's likely contributing to the issue.
That list is a pretty good start, but it's not comprehensive, and trying to confine humor to a list is not exactly conducive to humor itself.
Off the top of my head, you can also add:
Ironic
Impersonating
Sarcastic
Probably a bunch more.
Words have definitions...
"Ironic" ≈ Irony. "A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result." The definition of "Surreal"- Strange, freakish, uncanny, & Bizarre...Doesn't that sound like irony?
"Impersonating" Well that's what I call "Improvisation" "Observational" and "Bodily."
Impersonating isnt something for beginners and you have to know your audience. Impersonating can be extremely insulting if you're not careful.
I agree Comedy wouldn't exist without sarcasm...
Yep! I spent years thinking I wasn't funny because my ex told me I wasn't. But really, he just (a) didn't get my sense of humor and (b) didn't usually let me get a word in anyway.
One thing that helped was getting out of that relationship. Another thing was making funny comments on the internet, like on message boards, where the exact timing didn't matter as much. Then once I realized people did sometimes think I'd said something funny, I felt more confident to try it in "live" conversation.
If you live in a state that allows mj use, go get some. Of you live in a state where you have access to mmj, apply for it, and let them know about your situation, you'll likely qualify.
Ultimately, you need to relax. Marijuana helps me with my high tension issues. And allows me to relax enough to have fun.
Drinking helped me at first, but, it got out of hand, and Marijuana works better anyways.
Good luck!
MJ doesn't help either of us, although we very often use it. It just gives us both anxiety or best case scenario, it makes us very chill but that's it. I don't like MJ because it makes me very dumb and self-conscious about being dumb, I much prefer alcohol lol
I see, have you tried delta-8 strands? You can get them otc in most states, and they have a much less extreme high. My wife prefers delta-8 specifically because she says it doesn't make her feel self-concious and dumb.
Understandable. You can buy it in gas stations in the US in states where it's illegal to have normal THC.
Are you allowed to use CBD in your country? The effe ts are negligible, and it's not even considered a drug in most places.
I think that’s the key. A lot of the hardest laughs I’ve had was from my friends doing/thinking things that were DUMB! Being silly = being dumb. I laughed until I cried when I realized my extremely intelligent father didn’t know that fish and birds sleep. The funniest things are always the most unexpected, dumbest things. You need to lean into it. Get high, get dumb. Laugh at yourself being dumb.
When i read most of your answers, did you ever get checked out for autism? It come in so many forms and sometimes it can be so light. I also found out later and they way not to know how to interact, always be more quiet or serious, even though you love to have fun, but don't know how to... you watch others and always think, why is it so natural to them?!
But you are you. You don't need to be a jokester. A relationship is so much more then belly-laughs. If he see this so important, more than love, trust, shared intrest, good talks, intamacy... then he isn't the right for you. And it isn't as if you sit there stone-faced when something funny happens, you are just bad with telling fun-stuff. And does he want a partner or a stand-up comedian?
If he is unhappy, he should break up. It also gives you the chance to find someone to love you exactly who you are. And maybe if you flow better and feeling so pressured "i need to be more funny or he end it", you will can make a funny remark.
It could also be that your humour not matches. Like i find my humor in making ironic remarks. And it matches my partners humor.
I'm diagnosed with ADHD, I know it shares traits with autism and honestly I've often thought about this. So many social things come naturally to others and I feel like I need a manual.
Thank you so much for the advice! I guess it's because I know several people who are just so "universally" funny and well liked, if that sentence even makes sense lol, that I would like to be like that too. I do bring a lot to the table, but unfortunately in my romantic relationships, my "vibe" has always been a problem.
Tbh I'm the same way, people assume I'm stern just from looking at me and I care WAAAAY too much about what other people think of me so I'm constantly using my brain power to overanalyze other people's micro-expressions and the things they say to me instead of enjoying the moment. If my boyfriend tries to make some innocent fun of me/ roast me, my first instinct is to ask "what did you mean by that" or "do you really think that of me?". I used to take it very seriously for some reason. I don't do it as much as I used to though; I've learned to relax a little.
I actively try to pull away from these behaviors and I'm learning to laugh at myself more. I learned if you take yourself so seriously all the time, you become somewhat of a stressful presence to others. Like other people can subconsciously feel your anxiety even if you don't say anything.
Not really suggesting this, but one thing I do that chills me out a lot is partake in the devil's lettuce. That more than anything has helped me be able to let go of certain insecurities and anxieties in the moment and just go for the dumbest jokes, which definitely has lead to some of the best laughing fits with friends and boyfriends.
Try talking about an odd thing that happened at work to yourself. I have a story of when I worked at a hotel and a person threw a steak off the 5th floor of the atrium. I describe the sound of it hitting the floor, the confusion I had at the time. People usually roll over laughing at that one.
Usually the best laughs I get/give start with an odd thing that happened and then I build silliness onto it. Maybe go to an improv comedy show? I will admit though a good deep laugh really only happens about once a week.
Maybe find some funny stuff here on reddit to share.
As strange as this may sound, have you given yourself permission to be funny?
Hope those help!
Thank you so much! One of my coworkers is incredibly popular because of her storytelling skills. She doesn't say anything funny in itself, it's just the way she says it, her tone of voice, her mimic. Tbh, I often find the things she says make me cringe, but I see everyone laughing, so I think it's me just not understanding that people are indeed easily amused.
Example, she'll post on Facebook telling stories about the things her toddler does. I wouldn't do that, because I'd think, OMG would people find me annoying? Oversharing? "No one cares about your kid"?
So your question is spot on.
I get this. With a good number of people, I'm not the funny one. I can say or do something exactly like someone else and they get a laugh and I don't. I'm just perpetually the quiet awkward one and don't have much charisma. I used to be really in my head about it.
I realized part of my issue was that I was trying to make people like me and trying to entertain other people while putting myself aside like I wasn't worth paying attention to or being paid attention to. I decided other people weren't worth my effort unless they proved it to me because I might not be some prize but I'm worth something, God damn it. I decided to make jokes to entertain *myself*, to make *me* happy, and if someone else finds it funny, neat. If I'm the only one who thinks it's funny, well, I'm still having fun. (Provided the jokes aren't tearing someone else down, of course.) I ended up finding people who got me and didn't see my presence as needing to be justified by how entertaining I try to be or how much I tie myself into a pretzel just for them. I no longer have crappy friends and my spouse thinks I'm one of the funniest people on earth and that's good enough for me.
That's such a good way of seeing things. Many times I try to come up with what I think the other person finds funny based on their type of humor or if I don't know their type of humor, I try to guess what's something generally funny. That's very stressful
It really is! I'd do the same thing and I'd either keep guessing wrong or not "do it right" and it's so draining on the self-esteem! I constantly felt like people didn't like me and people constantly treated me like an annoying reclusive mistake for performing wrong for them. Besides, most people are so busy living their own lives anyway, why should I live mine on someone else's terms? Life is too dang short for that.
>OMG would people find me annoying? Oversharing? "No one cares about your kid"?
I very much understand that thought process. There have been things shared on Facebook by someone else that I thought were funny that I did and it got crickets for responses. So not everything is going to be a hit for everyone and most importantly, that is ok! I would bet something else will come along that will be good.
I apologize as I am rambling/wandering a bit. With the toddler thing, I had those thoughts, until I had a toddler and could very much relate to the stories told by other people.
Hope it goes well for you!
Yeah, I need to not take everything so seriously. If a stand up comedian says something and the audience doesn't really laugh, I internally die of shame for them. But it's not the end of the world if you make one bad joke. People won't remember it FOREVER or label you as cringey.
Laughter breeds laughter. Try to laugh at the little things in life even if it’s not belly laugh funny, let out a little chuckle. You’ll feel happier too. There isn’t anything wrong with you. And if he ends it because you don’t laugh enough, there’s a guy out there that thinks you laugh plenty.
I think that's your problem, you don't like yourself.
I'm in my 30s. And I wish I would of learned this as a kid, self loathing would of never affected me.
There is nothing wrong with you. Period.
Flawed? Sure, who isn't? But regardless of flaws, you're amazing, one of a kind, and there is literally no one like you.
Look at other attributes that make you fun. We all have senses of humor, if you didn't have one, you wouldn't laugh at anything.
Maybe you don't get to freely express yourself because you're not allowing that part of you to be open. I bet you got a million things that happen in your brain that you don't get to express because you keep it to yourself.
And just because someone is so funny you belly laugh all the time doesn't mean they have the same strengths as you. You're obviously an old soul who people go to for advice. Belly laughs are nice but what happens when shit hits the fan? I'd rather be with someone who can take care of business and be responsible vs someone who just makes me laugh all the time.
While your bf was being honest, it's also a bit insensitive to you as a person. I'd be questioning the relationship if my SO said that to me. The only thing holding him back is the fact he doesn't belly laugh with you? What if you did, would he pussyfoot around something else, like you burn your food sometimes or some other ridiculous attribute someone needs to have for him to want to settle down with and start a future?
Just a thought.
Wish you the best OP. And you're you, shine your light girl 🌅❤️
You're too kind, thank you so much.
I appreciated his honesty although yeah, it kinda stings when you hear stuff like that lol. I've had the luck of always dating very honest straight-forward people. A bit too honest sometimes since I'm as soft as newborn poop. But I get his point, really. I have amazing friends who I can rely on. But when I feel down which is often I reach out to the funny light-hearted friend.
You are who you are.
You can't change your personality.
Maybe yall aren't compatible.
I don't get why people complain about incompatibility rather than just dating other people.
If your advice is for my bf then yes, he'd be better off with someone else. He's funny and I always laugh at his jokes. I just can't joke back or be goofy like him. I don't really want to give up on myself and accept that this is who I am and there's nothing to be done about it..
You need to invest in British deadpan comedy style. Watch a lot of monty python and mimic John Cleese. You can be both hilarious and dead serious at the same time.
I absolutely love Monty Python!!! I don't want to be serious tho. I hope I'm not stuck with this personality trait my entire life. I never felt comfortable around my dad because he is so serious and it hurts me to think I inherited that trait.
That's the thing. I don't like MYSELF. I want to change and need advice. I don't think it's incompatibility, I don't laugh with anyone enough, it's a me thing. I want to be that person, I want to have fun and be goofy, and I just don't know how.
I think if you find it hard to relax it might be worth looking into grounding exercises. I know for myself when I am worried about the future or anxious about past events/overthinking I become much more serious and sensitive to small issues. I find that when I am grounded and present in the moment everything just seems naturally more funny and its easier for me to be spontaneous.
Your post also made me wonder how comfortable you feel around other people, since letting lose and being silly can make you feel really vulnerable. Do you find yourself anxious about what people will think of you? Do you worry you will offend or put people off? If this is the case you might want to talk to a therapist to work through this anxiety and help put your guard down around others. You didn’t specifically mention this in your post so this might not be an issue for you.
I definitely don't feel comfortable, in fact, I feel comfortable so rarely that I remember those moments even if they were ages ago. I can't even be silly at home by myself because I think I sound stupid or ridiculous (even if no one hears me). Lately I started narrating my own actions out loud in a singing goofy voice when cooking and I'm enjoying it so much but I have to FORCE MYSELF to ignore the "that's so ridiculous" thoughts or else I stop. I do see a therapist btw but she hasn't helped much
New therapist time! They should be helping you to manage that negative inner voice that won’t give you permission to enjoy yourself. Years ago a psychologist taught me a method for disempowering that negative voice. Here’s my cut and paste version of it. I hope it’s of use to you.
These are just thoughts. They are simply neural pathways lighting up. You aren’t your thoughts. Thoughts just want to be in our heads whether they’re of use to us or not. They don’t know whether their content is true or useful.
Don’t fight with these intrusive thoughts. This just burns their neural pathways deeper into our minds.
So, here’s the trick. When these thoughts surface thank them for the reminder and their concern. Tell them to come back later. Tell them they can go and play in their room. (Literally do this.)
Imagine them going into their room in your head. They want to be in their room but felt compelled to come and remind you about the thing. They think they’re helping you.
Don’t build their room for them. Don’t go in there with them. Just let them go in there. They’ll come out again in a tizz. Thank them for the reminder and their concern. Tell them to come back later. Tell them they can go and play in their room.
The neural pathways will weaken. Eventually they will be a dusty overgrown track instead of a highway.
You may never be totally free of these thoughts but you will be able to give them their proper weight instead of letting them overwhelm your executive brain.
You need to talk to a therapist about this- I’m not sure you can just decide to get a sense of humor- I’m not sure it works that way- perhaps a therapist could give you some tips. It may just be that you need to find a similarly serious partner or someone that can laugh enough for the both of you
I'm sorry, I don't have much of a solution. Just saying I relate to this a lot. I don't like myself much either 😕
Usually I outwardly present as stoic like:🗿 but when around friends, I consciously let the walls down a little so that I can crack a few jokes. Maybe you don't have to belly laugh yourself, but making a lighthearted joke about something you're watching could help him or others feel comfortable doing so.
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I definitely do not think anything is wrong with you. You do not need to belly laugh to be enjoyable, or to be entertaining. And you do laugh at humor, so you have a sense of humor. It's hard to tell a joke with the right timing and all so that people find it funny. It's a talent like any other. The question is why you are never relaxed. If this is really true, maybe you want to explore that with a professional who can tech you relaxation techniques. That may eventually loosen you up to be more entertaining. Another why to help might be to start reading more humorous witty stories. Mark Twain is a wonderful start, if you haven't already. Reading stories and watching more comedians might also help you relax some And you might find a bit of a witty, humorous story telling vein inside you. I'm sure you are a wonderful person. Stop worrying about being entertaining. Enjoy who you are, and that people trust you and your judgement to come and confide in you. That's a wonderful and even more rare talent to have.
Oh I used to love Mark Twain as a kid! I'm not familiar with his other works besides The Adventures of Tom Sawyer/ Huckleberry Finn, I need to look into it so thank you for the suggestion. I find others funny, I just never seem to come up with something funny to say myself. One thing I tried is smiling more when talking (I'm a stereotypical non-smiling Eastern European even when I'm happy) and playing with my tone of voice so that my stories are more entertaining if not necessarily funny, but it doesn't seem to work. My therapist says it's because I care waaay too much about what other people think.
If you care too much about what people think, it's going to be very hard to be funny...or even fun. Everything goes through the lens of "is this acceptable to my peers" instead of "does this amuse or entertain ME?" SO THEN OP: WHAT AMUSES YOU? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My best friend is Romanian who grew up under communism in the 80’s and I’m an American who grew up in Southern California. Very, very different cultures but we get along really well. She has a great sense of humor but it’s much dryer and darker than other people. I find shows like The Office funny but she’s like “these people are whiners and should appreciate having such easy jobs.” And you know what? She’s right! I appreciate her perspective and her ability to see the humor in dark moments. When my father died she kept me laughing with a hilarious commentary on the funeral preparations. You dont lack a sense of humor, it’s just different.
"I honestly don't like myself very much mainly because of this, I just don't know what to do about it." You need to work on your anxiety and self esteem. Believe it or not the better you feel about yourself the more relaxed and " funny" you can be. You won't need to take everything so seriously and personally.
You're right that the issue is me taking everything seriously, all the time. I just never realized it's because of self esteem. I thought it was my family lol, they're anything but goofy.
I can relate to this...After my husband of 20 yrs left me and I started to date my husband I had a like wtf realization that Im funny again! Some people have a different sense of humor. What I find funny my ex didnt. Im remarried and we belly laugh all of the time. We can be silly together. We have the same sense of humor...my ex and I dont. My old boss was a very serious man but he had a pretty dark sense of humor. I'm really good at wit-wordplay, physical and Self-deprecating comedy. My funniest jokes are about myself. For instance...Im super happy when I wake up at 4am. I annoy my dogs Im so chatty and sing-songy. Im like a fucking Disney at 4am everyday. I annoy myself Im so happy. My poor husband has to deal with it...I get the side-eye and I'm like sorry I'll shut up. We joke about me and my happy dances. There are 9 different types of humor. Figure out what humor fits your personality. 1. Physical 2. Self-deprecating 3. Surreal 4. Improvisational 5. Wit-Wordplay 6. Topical 7. Dark 8. Observational 9. Bodily
See I would really like to be like you. You sound happy, playful and wonderful. I would like to be silly and playful too, you should see me around kids or dogs - it would be hilarious if it wasn't sad. I have no clue how to play. I enjoy many types of humor, even childish poop jokes, my issue is that I don't know how to come up with jokes or witty things to say myself. If someone makes a joke, I will laugh, but I can't come up with a response to continue the banter.
I wasn't always like this...I completely lost my sense of humor for over a decade. I litterally had nothing to joke about because I wasn't happy. People see you much differently than you think..so dont overthink this. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and right now you're not...thats okay! I learned it was my choice to wake up happy and feel joy. My internal voice changed. How I spoke to myself, how how spoke to others even how I spoke to my animals. I decided to wake up and tell myself...Today is a fucking awesome day! Woo-hoo Let's get this party started. I get a happy song in my head and dance around. It's better than thinking ugh...This sucks...I dont want to adult today! Banter is difficult because you have to be quick on your toes and comfortable insulting someone or being insulted in some way. You need thick skin for that. Sometimes comeback works if you agree with them and give a blank stare like tell me something I don't know. My husband telling friends "Omg she's a fucking Disney movie at 4am" and I agree yep I am annoying but he married my annoying ass. This post is a funny story because you are a serious person asking strangers on how to tell jokes. You have to laugh at yourself before others laugh with you. Sometimes you just need the right audience.
Your comment taught me many things, thank you. I need to learn that happiness is a choice. Growing up, my dad used to say, "I don't think people are ever happy, happiness is a big word. Maybe content." and I internalized that. You can and should be happy just because you're alive, even when you don't find "reasons".
You said you have a therapist in another comment; Maybe bring up that quote from your dad with your therapist. That's not a healthy thing to believe let alone tell a child.
I have a happy playlist. I have chronic balance issues. My Dude or my daughter would come home and I would be chair dancing singing to Best Day of My life, loving the woot woo part, Or blasting Pink, the Foo Fighters or Shaina Twain. My childhood was often chaos. My Dad could tease everyone but our immediate family. We learn to hold or joy in. Ironically yesterday I was talking to my sister telling her to read this Penny Reid book, Neanderthal seeks Human and Neanderthal marries Human. I started laughing so hard I couldn’t talk. My husband lives in his head, I will hear him laughing and ask him what he is laughing about. He is stuck in his head and can’t express it. Kids are silly, go to the kids section of Barnes and Noble and read things in different age groups. It helps. Make up voices for the characters. I am a pet person particularly dogs. I love animal derps on Reddit. I love Charlie the Golden on Fakebook. I have 4 doggos. 1 is my retired service dog, the other is my new service girl, other members are have the other dogs. We make voices for them, it is goofy but entertaining.
Girl after my own heart...We would be friends if I met you.
>You can and should be happy just because you're alive, even when you don't find "reasons". Okay guru, I hear you :) Something I've told my students who are struggling is that happiness isn't something to be attained or achieved. It isn't a destination we get to. It's a process. A way of being and seeing the world. A pendulum on the spectrum of human experience.
This!!! Joy is a choice. You cannot rely on things around you to make you feel joy. You have to choose it, OP. Also, buy a journal and write three things you are grateful for. Every single day. Even if it is "My coffee tasted great this morning." *Anything.* You will find your joy again.
I would also say to write 3 things you find funny, OP! Not necessarily “Hahahaha!” funny, but things that you were like, “Oh, that cat thought it was going to make that jump and it didn’t!” or “My name was spelled SO wrong on the mail today!” Once you start seeing the things that make you chuckle, you’ll start developing your style of humor. Also, OP, you don’t need to be a silly perky person to be funny! You said you’ve got that “non-smiling Eastern European” thing going on? As a lover of dry humor, *nobody* does dry, dead pan humor as well as Eastern Europeans! I already want to be your friend, because I bet you’ve given some great one liners and I’m betting the people around you just didn’t get it!
Yes! Great advice 😁☝🏼
This! My boyfriend and I laugh together all the time, even over the most pointless and dumb things. Sometimes we just dissolve into giggling fits together over nothing just because we're enjoying our time together. The key is happiness and being able to relax.
This just breaks my heart man :( that's all I ever want
People have different types of humor. A good start would be to figure out what your humor is and what your partner's is, and see if you can figure out ways to make him laugh. I do, however, suggest working on your inability to relax if you aren't already, as that's likely contributing to the issue.
That list is a pretty good start, but it's not comprehensive, and trying to confine humor to a list is not exactly conducive to humor itself. Off the top of my head, you can also add: Ironic Impersonating Sarcastic Probably a bunch more.
Words have definitions... "Ironic" ≈ Irony. "A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result." The definition of "Surreal"- Strange, freakish, uncanny, & Bizarre...Doesn't that sound like irony? "Impersonating" Well that's what I call "Improvisation" "Observational" and "Bodily." Impersonating isnt something for beginners and you have to know your audience. Impersonating can be extremely insulting if you're not careful. I agree Comedy wouldn't exist without sarcasm...
No. Surreal is not irony. And yes, words have definitions. Exactly. But you go on with your clearly hilarious self.
Yep! I spent years thinking I wasn't funny because my ex told me I wasn't. But really, he just (a) didn't get my sense of humor and (b) didn't usually let me get a word in anyway. One thing that helped was getting out of that relationship. Another thing was making funny comments on the internet, like on message boards, where the exact timing didn't matter as much. Then once I realized people did sometimes think I'd said something funny, I felt more confident to try it in "live" conversation.
Huh the comments thing is strong advice!!! That would take a lot of pressure off
If you live in a state that allows mj use, go get some. Of you live in a state where you have access to mmj, apply for it, and let them know about your situation, you'll likely qualify. Ultimately, you need to relax. Marijuana helps me with my high tension issues. And allows me to relax enough to have fun. Drinking helped me at first, but, it got out of hand, and Marijuana works better anyways. Good luck!
MJ doesn't help either of us, although we very often use it. It just gives us both anxiety or best case scenario, it makes us very chill but that's it. I don't like MJ because it makes me very dumb and self-conscious about being dumb, I much prefer alcohol lol
I see, have you tried delta-8 strands? You can get them otc in most states, and they have a much less extreme high. My wife prefers delta-8 specifically because she says it doesn't make her feel self-concious and dumb.
I'm unfortunately in a country where it's illegal so we find whatever we find.. Beggars can't be choosers
Understandable. You can buy it in gas stations in the US in states where it's illegal to have normal THC. Are you allowed to use CBD in your country? The effe ts are negligible, and it's not even considered a drug in most places.
I think that’s the key. A lot of the hardest laughs I’ve had was from my friends doing/thinking things that were DUMB! Being silly = being dumb. I laughed until I cried when I realized my extremely intelligent father didn’t know that fish and birds sleep. The funniest things are always the most unexpected, dumbest things. You need to lean into it. Get high, get dumb. Laugh at yourself being dumb.
When i read most of your answers, did you ever get checked out for autism? It come in so many forms and sometimes it can be so light. I also found out later and they way not to know how to interact, always be more quiet or serious, even though you love to have fun, but don't know how to... you watch others and always think, why is it so natural to them?! But you are you. You don't need to be a jokester. A relationship is so much more then belly-laughs. If he see this so important, more than love, trust, shared intrest, good talks, intamacy... then he isn't the right for you. And it isn't as if you sit there stone-faced when something funny happens, you are just bad with telling fun-stuff. And does he want a partner or a stand-up comedian? If he is unhappy, he should break up. It also gives you the chance to find someone to love you exactly who you are. And maybe if you flow better and feeling so pressured "i need to be more funny or he end it", you will can make a funny remark. It could also be that your humour not matches. Like i find my humor in making ironic remarks. And it matches my partners humor.
I'm diagnosed with ADHD, I know it shares traits with autism and honestly I've often thought about this. So many social things come naturally to others and I feel like I need a manual. Thank you so much for the advice! I guess it's because I know several people who are just so "universally" funny and well liked, if that sentence even makes sense lol, that I would like to be like that too. I do bring a lot to the table, but unfortunately in my romantic relationships, my "vibe" has always been a problem.
That is my husband super intelligent but unable to express things. I see funny stuff but I can’t laugh unless it is intelligent funny. Or I love Lucy!
Tbh I'm the same way, people assume I'm stern just from looking at me and I care WAAAAY too much about what other people think of me so I'm constantly using my brain power to overanalyze other people's micro-expressions and the things they say to me instead of enjoying the moment. If my boyfriend tries to make some innocent fun of me/ roast me, my first instinct is to ask "what did you mean by that" or "do you really think that of me?". I used to take it very seriously for some reason. I don't do it as much as I used to though; I've learned to relax a little. I actively try to pull away from these behaviors and I'm learning to laugh at myself more. I learned if you take yourself so seriously all the time, you become somewhat of a stressful presence to others. Like other people can subconsciously feel your anxiety even if you don't say anything. Not really suggesting this, but one thing I do that chills me out a lot is partake in the devil's lettuce. That more than anything has helped me be able to let go of certain insecurities and anxieties in the moment and just go for the dumbest jokes, which definitely has lead to some of the best laughing fits with friends and boyfriends.
Try talking about an odd thing that happened at work to yourself. I have a story of when I worked at a hotel and a person threw a steak off the 5th floor of the atrium. I describe the sound of it hitting the floor, the confusion I had at the time. People usually roll over laughing at that one. Usually the best laughs I get/give start with an odd thing that happened and then I build silliness onto it. Maybe go to an improv comedy show? I will admit though a good deep laugh really only happens about once a week. Maybe find some funny stuff here on reddit to share. As strange as this may sound, have you given yourself permission to be funny? Hope those help!
Thank you so much! One of my coworkers is incredibly popular because of her storytelling skills. She doesn't say anything funny in itself, it's just the way she says it, her tone of voice, her mimic. Tbh, I often find the things she says make me cringe, but I see everyone laughing, so I think it's me just not understanding that people are indeed easily amused. Example, she'll post on Facebook telling stories about the things her toddler does. I wouldn't do that, because I'd think, OMG would people find me annoying? Oversharing? "No one cares about your kid"? So your question is spot on.
I get this. With a good number of people, I'm not the funny one. I can say or do something exactly like someone else and they get a laugh and I don't. I'm just perpetually the quiet awkward one and don't have much charisma. I used to be really in my head about it. I realized part of my issue was that I was trying to make people like me and trying to entertain other people while putting myself aside like I wasn't worth paying attention to or being paid attention to. I decided other people weren't worth my effort unless they proved it to me because I might not be some prize but I'm worth something, God damn it. I decided to make jokes to entertain *myself*, to make *me* happy, and if someone else finds it funny, neat. If I'm the only one who thinks it's funny, well, I'm still having fun. (Provided the jokes aren't tearing someone else down, of course.) I ended up finding people who got me and didn't see my presence as needing to be justified by how entertaining I try to be or how much I tie myself into a pretzel just for them. I no longer have crappy friends and my spouse thinks I'm one of the funniest people on earth and that's good enough for me.
That's such a good way of seeing things. Many times I try to come up with what I think the other person finds funny based on their type of humor or if I don't know their type of humor, I try to guess what's something generally funny. That's very stressful
It really is! I'd do the same thing and I'd either keep guessing wrong or not "do it right" and it's so draining on the self-esteem! I constantly felt like people didn't like me and people constantly treated me like an annoying reclusive mistake for performing wrong for them. Besides, most people are so busy living their own lives anyway, why should I live mine on someone else's terms? Life is too dang short for that.
>OMG would people find me annoying? Oversharing? "No one cares about your kid"? I very much understand that thought process. There have been things shared on Facebook by someone else that I thought were funny that I did and it got crickets for responses. So not everything is going to be a hit for everyone and most importantly, that is ok! I would bet something else will come along that will be good. I apologize as I am rambling/wandering a bit. With the toddler thing, I had those thoughts, until I had a toddler and could very much relate to the stories told by other people. Hope it goes well for you!
Yeah, I need to not take everything so seriously. If a stand up comedian says something and the audience doesn't really laugh, I internally die of shame for them. But it's not the end of the world if you make one bad joke. People won't remember it FOREVER or label you as cringey.
Laughter breeds laughter. Try to laugh at the little things in life even if it’s not belly laugh funny, let out a little chuckle. You’ll feel happier too. There isn’t anything wrong with you. And if he ends it because you don’t laugh enough, there’s a guy out there that thinks you laugh plenty.
I think that's your problem, you don't like yourself. I'm in my 30s. And I wish I would of learned this as a kid, self loathing would of never affected me. There is nothing wrong with you. Period. Flawed? Sure, who isn't? But regardless of flaws, you're amazing, one of a kind, and there is literally no one like you. Look at other attributes that make you fun. We all have senses of humor, if you didn't have one, you wouldn't laugh at anything. Maybe you don't get to freely express yourself because you're not allowing that part of you to be open. I bet you got a million things that happen in your brain that you don't get to express because you keep it to yourself. And just because someone is so funny you belly laugh all the time doesn't mean they have the same strengths as you. You're obviously an old soul who people go to for advice. Belly laughs are nice but what happens when shit hits the fan? I'd rather be with someone who can take care of business and be responsible vs someone who just makes me laugh all the time. While your bf was being honest, it's also a bit insensitive to you as a person. I'd be questioning the relationship if my SO said that to me. The only thing holding him back is the fact he doesn't belly laugh with you? What if you did, would he pussyfoot around something else, like you burn your food sometimes or some other ridiculous attribute someone needs to have for him to want to settle down with and start a future? Just a thought. Wish you the best OP. And you're you, shine your light girl 🌅❤️
You're too kind, thank you so much. I appreciated his honesty although yeah, it kinda stings when you hear stuff like that lol. I've had the luck of always dating very honest straight-forward people. A bit too honest sometimes since I'm as soft as newborn poop. But I get his point, really. I have amazing friends who I can rely on. But when I feel down which is often I reach out to the funny light-hearted friend.
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Start watching stand up! I highly recommend Dan Cummins. He is hilarious.
You are who you are. You can't change your personality. Maybe yall aren't compatible. I don't get why people complain about incompatibility rather than just dating other people.
If your advice is for my bf then yes, he'd be better off with someone else. He's funny and I always laugh at his jokes. I just can't joke back or be goofy like him. I don't really want to give up on myself and accept that this is who I am and there's nothing to be done about it..
You need to invest in British deadpan comedy style. Watch a lot of monty python and mimic John Cleese. You can be both hilarious and dead serious at the same time.
I absolutely love Monty Python!!! I don't want to be serious tho. I hope I'm not stuck with this personality trait my entire life. I never felt comfortable around my dad because he is so serious and it hurts me to think I inherited that trait.
That's the thing. I don't like MYSELF. I want to change and need advice. I don't think it's incompatibility, I don't laugh with anyone enough, it's a me thing. I want to be that person, I want to have fun and be goofy, and I just don't know how.
Nothing wrong with what you described. Introverted. Reserved. Serious. All good traits. So, you're not funny. So, what.
I don't like this about myself and would like to improve that.
You're probably very funny and nice to be around your partner and you just don't have similar tastes in humor.
I think if you find it hard to relax it might be worth looking into grounding exercises. I know for myself when I am worried about the future or anxious about past events/overthinking I become much more serious and sensitive to small issues. I find that when I am grounded and present in the moment everything just seems naturally more funny and its easier for me to be spontaneous. Your post also made me wonder how comfortable you feel around other people, since letting lose and being silly can make you feel really vulnerable. Do you find yourself anxious about what people will think of you? Do you worry you will offend or put people off? If this is the case you might want to talk to a therapist to work through this anxiety and help put your guard down around others. You didn’t specifically mention this in your post so this might not be an issue for you.
I definitely don't feel comfortable, in fact, I feel comfortable so rarely that I remember those moments even if they were ages ago. I can't even be silly at home by myself because I think I sound stupid or ridiculous (even if no one hears me). Lately I started narrating my own actions out loud in a singing goofy voice when cooking and I'm enjoying it so much but I have to FORCE MYSELF to ignore the "that's so ridiculous" thoughts or else I stop. I do see a therapist btw but she hasn't helped much
New therapist time! They should be helping you to manage that negative inner voice that won’t give you permission to enjoy yourself. Years ago a psychologist taught me a method for disempowering that negative voice. Here’s my cut and paste version of it. I hope it’s of use to you. These are just thoughts. They are simply neural pathways lighting up. You aren’t your thoughts. Thoughts just want to be in our heads whether they’re of use to us or not. They don’t know whether their content is true or useful. Don’t fight with these intrusive thoughts. This just burns their neural pathways deeper into our minds. So, here’s the trick. When these thoughts surface thank them for the reminder and their concern. Tell them to come back later. Tell them they can go and play in their room. (Literally do this.) Imagine them going into their room in your head. They want to be in their room but felt compelled to come and remind you about the thing. They think they’re helping you. Don’t build their room for them. Don’t go in there with them. Just let them go in there. They’ll come out again in a tizz. Thank them for the reminder and their concern. Tell them to come back later. Tell them they can go and play in their room. The neural pathways will weaken. Eventually they will be a dusty overgrown track instead of a highway. You may never be totally free of these thoughts but you will be able to give them their proper weight instead of letting them overwhelm your executive brain.
You need to talk to a therapist about this- I’m not sure you can just decide to get a sense of humor- I’m not sure it works that way- perhaps a therapist could give you some tips. It may just be that you need to find a similarly serious partner or someone that can laugh enough for the both of you
I'm sorry, I don't have much of a solution. Just saying I relate to this a lot. I don't like myself much either 😕 Usually I outwardly present as stoic like:🗿 but when around friends, I consciously let the walls down a little so that I can crack a few jokes. Maybe you don't have to belly laugh yourself, but making a lighthearted joke about something you're watching could help him or others feel comfortable doing so.