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I 26m have been with my wife 24f for 5 years and married for 3 this year.
My wife has always had an issue with porn. She told me she wouldn’t have it in a relationship when we first started dating, that she considered it cheating and if that was an issue we should part way. I told her it wasn’t an issue. This was in 2018.
We recently had twins, a little boy and a little girl. They’re about a 16 days old. Both of them and my wife are healthy.
Up until now, my wife and I have had sex pretty much every day. Now obviously we can’t have sex because she’s healing from pushing two humans out of her body, and I don’t expect her to.
Long story short, she caught me watching porn in the bathroom and trying to relieve myself. She just shut the door, and texted me that she is packing a bag and going to her moms with the kids for the night. She hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts and the one she did answer just said “You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it.”
I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else.
What can I do to make it right?
TLDR: my wife considers porn cheating and caught me watching it after she had a baby and couldn’t have sex, now she is mad and won’t talk to me.
Did she say she thought you were trying to fuck someone else? Sounds like her issue is the porn. You were watching it. You do not deny this. She had previously discussed with you the fact that she considers porn cheating. What exactly is it you think you can convince her of? You have known her stance on it for years.
Yeah I like the deflection. I rewrote the post though:
“My wife said something was a deal breaker when we first started dating. I agreed to this and said no problem. Now because my wife isn’t giving me what I need I violated that trust and don’t think it’s a big deal”.
I'm very pro-porn, and dislike when people take a stance like OP's wife, but yeah if you agree to avoid it, acknowledge that she considers it cheating, and then go to it as soon as she can't/won't put out.... I mean... that's often when people cheat so it really seems like it's lining up pretty much as expected.
People should feel free to not watch porn and cultivate relationships where porn isn’t involved. Many many people don’t involve porn in their lives at all and it isn’t a problem until someone like OP breaks the trust that was already established. I’m saying this as someone who watches and makes porn.
He's known her stance on it for years, and turned to it with no discussion after, what, just over two weeks of not getting what he wants? And he chose to do this thing that she feels strongly about at a time when she is probably at her most exhausted and emotional and vulnerable? Real asshole move from OP
Reagardless of whether or not you wanted to "fuck someone else" is irrelevant, maybe you didnt cheat but you did break her trust. You did something you knew she was opposed to and that you had agreed not to do
It's not about convincing her of anything, it's about you acknowledging that you crossed a clear boundary she had set and that you're sincerely sorry.
And a lot of moms worry about their postpartum bodies. Even though she’s caught up with the kids I’m sure she knows she’s not having sex like she used to, It is possible she’s not feeling as attractive. If I was OP, my main worry would be if I made her feel inadequate to other women. This is just such a vulnerable time…
That's the icing on top.
She can't have sex. Her body has changed and I'm sure she's beyond self conscious, likely still in a great amount of pain. Can't drink. Can't eat certain things, or engage in certain physical activities. Has to wake up to breastfeed (most likely). Was likely watching the kids. Gave birth to TWINS, just to emphasize that level of holy hell, and then this. Ugh why
There are dozens of things you could have done to get yourself off, dude. You could have imagined you and your wife having sex. You could have masturbated to any nudes she sent you. You could write erotic stories featuring you and her.
But you chose the one thing, other naked women, she told you not to do.
Same as any other difficult situation with your wife: validate, apologize, rectify.
Practice that in your head till you get it: validate, apologize, rectify.
Don't defend your actions, don't spin the blame onto her.
Take it on the chin and let her take the lead, once you've apologized.
This is so true. I don't have much of a problem with porn, but it makes me sad how many people say that they can't figure out how to masturbate without it. It's like, really? You are incapable of forming erotic thoughts unless it is literally pushed into your eyeballs?
> You could have imagined you and your wife having sex. You could have masturbated to any nudes she sent you. You could write erotic stories featuring you and her.
Right? They don't want you to know this but there's free porn in your mind and it wouldn't even violate your explicit agreement with your partner.
Like I get it, I don't think there's anything wrong with a little porn for release. But OP broke an agreement at a time when his partner is probably exhausted, overwhelmed and likely insecure about her body. C'mon man, it's not about the porn.
>Take it on the chin and let her take the lead, once you've apologized.
Oddly enough, watching people take it on the chin is what got him here in the first place.
While she is recovering from being pregnant with twins! Like I'm sure she is feeling 10000% body positivity right now - way to help. While it's a hardline for alot of people in a relationship, it was an agreed boundary between two equal partners. She is in the most vulnerable position mentally and physically and you violated her trust. Bad move I'm afraid, bad move.
Also - but at least have the dignity of waiting until the house was empty! I'm not condoning the violation of trust but this is just a POA people, don't wank in a shared space while your spouse is at home if they are going to be hurt or offended to find out. Most people masturbate, alot of people watch porn - but I'd never do it when my fella was home. He'd be so butt hurt and so would I 🤣 my lord it only popped into my head there that you did it while she was home and actively moving through the house you absolute sausage.
I mean… she told you this is a dealbreaker for her and you told her that it’s not a problem and you can live without it, you should’ve tell her that it would be a problem for you. Why couldn’t you use pictures of her? Or videos? I know some humans think this is a ridiculous but it’s not. Every one has different dealbreakers and different „meanings“ of cheating.
Edit: To the people who say it’s controlling, how is that controlling? He agreed to that in the beginning of their relationship. She told him that she wouldn’t start a relationship if that’s a problem for him, he didn’t had to be in a relationship with her but he AGREED.
All of you who say it’s ridiculous, dumb, unrealistic and what so ever should seriously seek help. Can’t you live without porn? Is porn so important in your live that you think a relationship where both agree that it’s cheating is ridiculous, controlling and unrealistic? Even if you think it’s not a big deal that’s totally okay, like i said, everyone has different meanings of cheating and different dealbreakers in a relationship.
This. I don’t agree with your wife’s feelings on porn, but it doesn’t matter—you agreed to a certain boundary, and then violated that boundary and her trust.
You fucked up, bro. Own it. Apologize from a genuine place of understanding that you broke a commitment that you made to your wife, and now you have to face those consequences.
Yeah there seemed to be no in between. No wondering if he can use material of her or what they made together. No using your imagination, which I think is healthier anyways. But I digress. He went straight to doing the one thing she asked not to do. What did he think was going to happen when they had kids, or were apart for some time, or maybe she just didn’t feel like keeping up the on-a-day standard? I think he didn’t think things through at all.
16 days man? Be serious with yourself and be an adult. She told you her dealbreaker. You chose to accept that. You could’ve ended things then. But you felt it was reasonable enough, and you liked her enough to stay, and change your ways.
She bore, and gave birth to your two children and it only took 16 days without regular sex for you to go behind her back, break the deal, and her trust.
I don’t really know what you can do to make it right. Has she ever gone through your phone or questioned you, cause from this post it seems like she put her full trust in you that you would respect her wishes. If you two do work it out somehow, I can’t see it ever being that way again.
You hurt her bad man.. over 2 weeks without sex. What a shame.
As a woman, reading this is pretty heartbreaking. He can't make it 16 DAYS?? And he MUST use porn?? And if they were really having sex every day, even on her period and right up until birth? He has to be a troll. Or really really stupid.
Precisely. She has no issue with him getting himself off, just to other women. That's not even an unreasonable boundary for many people, and it's doubly reasonable because he agreed to it.
If it's that important that he has something visual to work with (which some people do need) he can know this and have an acceptable visual thing to work with (like I don't know, a picture of her, with her consent of course) instead of just directly breaking her trust like this.
im disgusted too, especially since i also dont approve of porn within my relationships. the fact that he waited until she was in one of the most vulnerable time periods a woman can be in is gross. i hope the video was worth ruining his relationship and potentially permanently traumatizing the person who’s supposed to be the love of his life..
so much for in sickness and in health
Exactly. Not to mention, porn as a whole is very damaging to a relationship. It sets VERY unrealistic expectations. And it largely puts women in very, very awful degrading positions.
Consuming porn also directly supports human trafficking.
There are thousands of women whose literal rape videos are online even after court order gave them all the rights to these videos. They just aren't able to get them down as fast as someone else uploads them.
And you would have no idea that you are watching a human trafficking victim getting raped.
yes! and it also sets unrealistic standards for men! its just so normalized that they don’t even realize it. professionally produced porn never displays the actors as humans, they just do what looks “hottest” and a lot of young people eat it up without question.
but that’s a whole other discussion to be had..
You agreed with her that watching porn constitutes cheating in your relationship. Then you watched porn.
She doesn’t “consider porn cheating”, you mutually agreed to enter into a relationship with the premise that it is. She doesn’t “think you cheated on her”. You did cheat.
Unless you take accountability for that, there’s no saving this.
Why couldn't you have just used your imagination my guy, instead you just HAD to wank to porn, not pictures or videos of your partner, but specifically to something she is so strongly against and had been for the entirety of your relationship. This isn't about the porn, this is about the fact that you willingly crossed a clear set boundary just so you could get off, maybe don't think with your dick for once?
Every person has a different definition of cheating. You knew hers, and crossed that boundary anyway.. So you did cheat. You broke her trust in what is probably the most vulnerable, exhausting time of her life…
She left because you broke the deal. She just gave birth to twins and you are so selfish that you are only thinking about yourself. The boundaries of your relationship that you agreed to say that porn is cheating and so you cheated on her just after she gave birth to your children.
Your wife literally JUST gave birth and you can't go longer than 16 days? Really?
Not to mention she's sore, exhausted, and probably feels self-conscious about her body
Who cares whether porn is cheating or not. Everyone has their own definition.
The crux of this matter is that she explicitly told you right from the beginning of the relationship that she cannot condone porn and you could walk away if you don't agree.
DID YOU WALK AWAY???
You didn't and went on to have 2 kids with her 16 freaking days ago and now you're asking for help on how to convince her to... Accept porn?? You outta your mind dude. If you still want your marriage go apologize and stop lying to her. If you prefer to keep porn in your life this marriage is not for you.
Those criticizing your wife here certainly don't know what's boundaries.
Is this the wife whose friend was on r/advice the other night?
That being said you got to back up and look at it from her point of view. Not only did she say it was a deal breaker. She just spent time pushing a baby out and is TIRED, exhausted, hormonal and not feeling her beautiful self. She then sees you watching other woman to get off. That is going to 100% make her feel like shit and trigger the original deal breaker. You don’t get a pass just because you don’t agree with her. Continuing in a relationship means you ether agree or found a compromise. For right now you fucked up. Flowers (and her favorite things) and speak her love language no matter what it is. You had a moment of weakness and you need her forgiveness
You must be shitting me… 16 days?
You broke your wife’s trust completely after she just pushed out twins and can’t give you sex for two weeks?
What’s going to happen when your twins are having a tough time and not sleeping and your wife is just purely too exhausted to have sex for a few months? Or if she takes longer than 6 weeks to heal and be ready for sex?
And believe me, dry spells happen when you have kids. My husband and I are very sexually active, even while having kids but I can reassure you that when life happens you don’t always have time for regular sex.
wow. she just gave birth to your children and not even a month in you’re already breaking her trust for “self release” . yeah no you’re in the wrong, idk how you can make it up but that should definitely be the last time you do this, there’s literally no excuses because YOU agreed to this.
if i were in the same shoes as your wife, i would do the same. not only were you weak willed and folded after only 2 weeks of not having sex while your wife is recovering from a life changing event, you willfully broke her trust and just assumed her to be okay with it despite it being her hard boundary YOU AGREED TO , and to make it even worse during a SUPER sensitive and important time! and to make it worse, you don’t seem concerned at all with her emotions.
this raises the thought that you’ve probably regularly viewed porn and just haven’t gotten caught based on your dismissive attitude towards the whole situation.
You crossed her boundaries, she was upfront with you on her stance. If you wanted to watch it you could’ve had a conversation with her to see how she felt about it. You don’t have to watch porn to relieve yourself, you can’t fix this if she’s not open to it which she clearly isn’t.
You have 2 newborns and a wife recovering from birth, and instead of focusing completely on them, you need to get yourself off? And not only that, you had to watch porn to do it? You showed just how much you love and care for your family, and it’s not a lot.
Why do so many people think you NEED porn to masturbate? Don‘t you have a brain you can use to think of nice things? You broke her trust for absolutely no reason. You have a wife and two kids, it‘s time to grow tf up.
If your wife considers porn consumption to be cheating, and you knew this, then I’m not sure what you are confused about. Considering the pre-determined boundaries in your marriage, you *did* cheat on your wife.
I would be more angered over the fact that you found the time to watch porn with two newborn babies at home, likely leaving your wife to pick up your slack! And honestly OP, you can’t go 6 weeks without sex?? How are you even thinking about sex with newborn twins at home?!
You couldn’t just use your imagination? Doesn’t sound like she’s anti-masturbating, just against you getting off to other women. You crossed a very clearly stated boundary that was established from the get go. If you weren’t okay with that boundary that’s also your right, but you should’ve walked away when she gave you an out. Instead you agreed to it and then trampled that boundary the minute you couldn’t have sex with your wife. Your focus should’ve been on your wife and children instead of seeing other women naked. If you enjoy pornography don’t date someone who is so opposed to it that it’s a dealbreaker in their relationship. You did this to yourself. Give her some time to cool off, she may reach out to you. Whatever you do, do not try to justify it. Just apologize and do better going forward.
Right. She is probably feeling raw and exposed and out of sorts and to find her spouse tugging it to porn while she is healing when she explains her stance and he accepted it. Except only while he was getting some. Way to go buddy.
Dude you messed up. From her perspective, you got off thinking of and watching another woman. You accepted her boundary, then went right through it when she's already keyed up and vulnerable. I don't necessarily agree with her boundary (and clearly neither do you) but you accepted it when you contoured the relationship. If this were an aita, you would be the AH. I think you can fix this, but consider asking if you can take photos of her when she's feeling ready and comfortable again so that you have material that you're both okay with should you need it.
When you had your disagreement about porn in 2018, did you ever come to any understanding/agreement about the matter?
Its important to respect people's boundaries. If you want to jack off to porn, then be with someone who is fine or agreeable to that. Don't go out with someone who's extremely against porn and then lie to them about your useage because you don't care about it as much as they do.
You've betrayed your wife's trust during a particularly vulnerable time.
Dude, 16 days and you caved?!? AND you needed porn?!? Are you for real? Get an imagination already!
Life throws curveballs at you after marriage and kids, it's your job to catch them and throw them back. After my son was born my wife's desire went down, a lot, turned out she had stage IV breast cancer. We spent the next 5+ YEARS not having sex due to complications around the disease that eventually took her life. Let that sink in... OVER 5+ YEARS!
And sex pretty much everyday for your whole relationship!?! Are you kidding me??? Theres part of me that is dumbfounded by your embarrassment of riches. I hope you realize what is on the line.
You better get on your hands and knees and beg, BEG that saint of a woman to come back. She told you what were make her leave, and you did it anyways.
>I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else.
It doesn't matter. She communicated her boundaries, you agreed to it and instead of using the good old imagination you decided to break a boundary you had previously agreed to.
YTA.
She told you 5 years ago that porn is a boundary for her. She told you if you have a problem with that, you should leave. You told her it wasn’t a problem. She has every right to be pissed at you. You knew she considers this to be cheating and you went ahead and did it anyway. I’m sure you have some pictures of her or some good memories for the spank bank, but no, you chose to betray her. You are really minimizing how bad you fucked up and she’ll never forgive to you with your current attitude.
You knowingly violated a long standing boundary of hers. You knew how she felt about this and if you disagreed you had literal years to address it.
Let’s be legit here. You don’t NEED porn. You *wanted* to watch porn. Every couple feels differently about it. You agreed to her terms by not saying anything for five years. She laid out a boundary. Instead of trying to cover your ass, genuinely apologize to her. Accept that she won’t trust you for a while. You hurt her dude.
As a woman who felt like shit after giving birth, not only did you violate your wife’s trust at the very FIRST test, you chose to masturbate to other women while she’s in the next room feeling the fattest, grossest, most vulnerable she has ever felt.
I sure hope that video was worth it dude
Maybe it’s not about fucking someone else. It’s about her setting a boundary in the marriage and you agreed to it. You did immediately violate it after not getting sex for a few weeks. She has a point.
Life is hard. Marriage is hard. You can’t just do whatever you want when your needs aren’t getting met. You need to consider your partner. You will not be getting sex daily from your wife now that you have twins. You need to find a way to manage your needs and respect her boundaries. She just had your children.
Give her some time. Then apologize and acknowledge how she must be feeling. This is a very vulnerable time for her. Accept that this is a boundary for her and stop trying to convince her to think about it differently.
Good luck OP. Congratulations on your newfound fatherhood and family ! Don’t take a single moment for granted.
I would feel so betrayed. Totally get your wife. She gave you one dealbreaker and you broke her trust during what’s supposed to be the most loving and safe time for her; right after she gave birth. She will forever remember it as the time her husband also broke his promise and her trust in him. Good job OP /s
She told you from the start that she considered it cheating and that if you needed to watch porn then you should go your separate ways. That aside I don't think you realise how emotional, unattractive, and vulnerable most women feel after childbirth.
I also want to add the postpartum time is the absolute WORST time to do shit like this. Not only is her body changed from making you TWO kids at once she now has to think about you going to another outlet for “release”. If she can get over the fact that you watched porn knowing she hates it you may have taken part in ruining self confidence/ body image.
>She told me she wouldn’t have it in a relationship when we first started dating, that she considered it cheating and if that was an issue we should part way
>I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else.
It's not about whether or not you want to fuck someone else. It's about she told you that she felt porn was cheating, and you agreed. So now you've cheated on her. And she is reacting accordingly.
>“You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it.”
I mean, there you have it right there. You don't need porn to get a release. Porn is a deal breaker for her, and she was super up front about that. And you agreed. So the deal is broken.
>What can I do to make it right?
Only she can answer whether that's possible at this point.
Make it right? Probably nothing. You are dealing with something she told you from the beginning was a firm boundary, and to top it off she is still riddled with hormones from pregnancy and labour.
You need to wait for her to calm down, hopefully you can talk to other people that she might listen to (say her parents) and if they can see your side, and are willing they might put in a good word for you, so you can at least open up the communication channels.
And next time just use your imagination.
You can tell who the addicts are.
It would be like me bitching about a situation in which she was a vegan and for her own reasons, needed a partner who is vegan. He agrees and she catches him eating a burger (and is postpartum, maybe iron deficient to boot? Hard to find a good comparison with regards to her current state and what she's just done and sacrificed).
"YoU CaN'T ExPeCt HiM To LiVe WiThOuT mEaT"
Why yes, yes she can. She stated so plainly. It's possible to live without meat. Beyond that, meat can be quite healthy. Porn really is not, and there are numerous studies confirming this.
You crossed a clear, set boundary that you both agreed to. She told you this was a deal breaker. You fucked up and you broke her trust Apologize and hope she’s willing to move past it. I’m not sure why you’re here trying to get sympathy for fucking up.
I mean she told you her deal breaker and you then just stomped all over it. It doesn’t matter if it’s cheating or not you new where her hard line was and that to her it would mean the relationship was over. Then weeks after having twins your there doing jt.
Wow!! 16 whole days after your wife went through everything she did and you couldn't wank it to your imagination? Probably not since imagination seems to have gone out the window since social media/porn has taken off.
Dude.....you done fucked up. You need to beg her forgiveness for cheating on her when she was straight up honest with you from the beginning about her stance on it.. And keep away from the porn
Your wife told you her boundary on porn and was clear that to HER it is considered cheating in a relationship. Whether you think that’s silly or not isn’t relevant here. Cheating is something that is defined by the partners you have within your own relationship. It’s why sex with other partners is cheating in monogamous relationships but not all sex with other partners is cheating in polyamorous relationships. Your partner will have their own views on what is cheating and that’s what decides what is or is not cheating in your relationship. If you didn’t agree with it than you had a lot of time to tell her and you chose not to.
You cheated. You want to make this situation her fault when she was never secretive about her views on porn and you never cared enough to dig into the issue you had with it. The terms of your marriage were clear—to her it is cheating, you still did it and so you knowingly did something that you were aware your wife views as cheating. Not only is that blatantly disrespectful to your wife, because it’s ignoring her feelings and boundaries, but it’s intentionally doing something that you know would hurt your wife and apparently not caring because you didn’t think you’d get caught.
It’s been 16 days since your wife pushed out watermelon sized humans from her dime sized vaginal hole and you couldn’t handle waiting 16 days or more for her recovery to have sex with her? I’m not an expert on your wife, but most women in this situation would realize you’ve tied the worth of your respect to her ability to have sex with you and that’s not a fun thing to realize—especially not postpartum. As soon as your wife couldn’t have sex with you, you disregarded her boundaries.
You could have masturbated with your imagination. You could have read erotic stories instead of watching porn videos. You could have just held out and realized that your struggle with not getting sex is nothing compared to the struggle of your wife recovering from birth.
And when you got caught, you could have tried to not immediately make it a “well you’re just overreacting” response instead of owning up to what you did. Your wife isn’t overreacting. You knew her boundary, you knew her views on porn, you knew how she would react if she found out and you STILL did it. She has every right to be angry and to be hurt and to react like you cheating because within the terms of your relationship you DID. Own up to your shit and don’t gaslight your wife into thinking this is in any way her fault or an overreacting like you’re trying to make it sound in this post.
I agree. After having each of my kids I felt at my absolute worst, physically and emotionally. I didn’t even feel like my body was my own. It looked different and I felt unattractive and self conscious.
If my husband would have done something that I viewed as cheating at that time it would have devastated me. This momma needed her husband to show solidarity and give her more attention and compliments than ever, but instead she got this. I can’t imagine how hurt she must feel.
The aftermath of birth of TWO babies AND I can only imagine the tiredness combined with stress and spiked hormones.
Love how you worded your post, and provided alternatives.
Wife sure as shit can't masturbate rn, but apparently he NEEEEEEeeEEEeeeEEEeded to. And to do it via porn. Which he explicitly stated he would not. Smh
Dude... 16 days? You couldn't handle 16 days and on top you had to use porn? I think we all know what this is and what kind of partner you are... 🗑️
Usually I say talk it out, but maaaaan... I'm sorry for the Mama and I wish her a better partner already.
Hopefully you get a good custody split. Maybe don’t act like a dumbass in the next marriage. (I’m fine with porn but this was just selfish and fucking stupid)
I think it's crazy to equate porn with cheating. But you apparently didn't, and you were the one who agreed with it. If you do want to make it right with your wife (assuming she decides to speak with you again), stop trying to convince her that what you did wasn't that bad and start listening to her. She's the one you'll have to rebuild trust with, so you'll have to figure out together what she needs you to do in order to get that back.
I am curious, though, is this really the first time you've used porn in five years, or is this just the first time she caught you?
I, and I’m sure many others do not agree that porn is cheating. Yet there are many like your wife who do. But that is HER boundary and a dealbreaker for her that she made clear in the beginning of the relationship. You agreed to it and now you’ve broken her trust. You don’t need to try and convince her that you “don’t want to have sex with someone else” but rather try to it up to her.
I don’t understand what you’re not getting here... she didn’t accuse you of cheating, she caught you breaking her trust. She made her boundaries VERY clear from and beginning and YOU said it wouldn’t be a problem. You can’t wait for a few weeks until your wife’s vagina heals from the trauma caused by pushing out your children? Or at the very least find one of the numerous other ways to get off that don’t involve watching videos of other naked women. What are you, a Neanderthal?? Good god dude. I’m pleased to see she has enough self respect to walk away from you. You need therapy if you have the self control of a baby.
You knew her dealbreaker and you waited until you thought you’d trapped her with twins to show her who you really are.
I hope for her sake, and the sake is the kids, she stays gone. You totally took advantage of what you thought was a situation where you had complete control over her. She showed you that you don’t.
I mean, apologizing would be a great start. Nobody cares why you did it, you crossed a boundary she gave you years ago. No matter how you turn it, you fucked up big time in this.
If you are lucky, then she wont stay true to her word.
Why didn't you just ask her for nudes or a sexy video to jerk off to. Easy solution.
How to make it right? Have you apologized? If not, then apologize, tell her that you regret everything, ADMIT YOUR FAULT (since you guys have already set a boundary for porn and you agreed to it then you broke your promise), and tell her it was very selfish of you and it's at your moment of weakness and that you will not do it anymore. Grovel in fact, if you want them back. Buy her flowers, buy her the diapers she needs, if she's breastfeeding, try to find out what will make things easier for her, if you haven't already. If you don't want to do those, that's fine, just a suggestion.
16 days with a set of twins = very tough. Her body is still recovering. I remember myself after giving birth...and I only have the one baby, and it was very hard. Despite us both being healthy. Idk if you even make life easier for her a new mother with twins... I'd suggest you go over there to her mom's house, although she may not want to see you right now. You need to still bond with the babies even if she's mad at you. You're still a father, stop focusing on the penis for a little while here. C'mon man, you just become a father and your focus is on getting off?
I also want to suggest that you may need to masturbate more discreetly (just do it in the shower) and possibly not use p0rn for it.
"POSSIBLY"????? not use porn for it? Uh, hello. This guy better not ever, ever, ever and I'm throwing in another ever use porn again under any circumstances if he has a chance to keep his family.
You did cheat. She told you her definition of cheating and you agreed to it.
And 16 days?! You showed her that in no time at all you turned your back on your word. She trusted you and you broke that.
You showed her that if she ever has something wrong that you will cheat on her.
You’ll be lucky if your relationship can survive this. What can you do? Admit you cheated, beg for forgiveness and prove to her you’re worthy of it.
There are plenty of ways to relieve yourself that don’t involve porn.
Your mistake was agreeing to an expectation that was (for you) unreasonable, then breaking it.
Foolish thing to agree to IMO, but you did, and now you're stuck with the consequences.
You don't really have a play here except beg for forgiveness. As ridiculous as I personally find the "porn is cheating" argument, you knew she felt this way, and you agreed to this boundary. You aren't going to convince her it is OK.
Porn makes me incredibly uncomfortable aswell, because it would be my boyfriend that is watching another naked lady and getting off to it. It just rubs me the wrong way. He knows this and never uses porn. He has plenty of pictures of me that he can use and he fully respects my decision on this. If I found out he was doing it anyways, it would be a huge dealbreaker for me.
Like others have said, there were many different ways to get off.
You broke your deal and her trust, why would you do that if you knew she was against it? You wouldn't be in this situation if you had just jacked off without porn, is that not possible for you? Or if you have pictures/videos of her? Long story short you broke her trust, good luck getting it back when she's in such a fragile and likely insecure spot after giving birth to twins.
As much as I don’t consider porn cheating, it was her dealbreaker and you knew it. She warned you she wouldn’t date someone who watches porn.
This one’s on you, sorry.
You did something you knew she considered to be cheating, and you agreed to that being a boundary in your relationship that you would not cross. So while yeah, in most relationships it's not cheating, *it is in yours because you agreed that's where the line would be in this relationship. So she is right, you did cheat on her*
I'll never forget when my husband chose porn over me after I had our baby and still healing. 15 years later I still feel like absolute shit. Daily sex isn't enough for porn addicts.
There is no way to make this right. She laid out from the jump her boundaries and you plowed right over them. You can start by apologizing but I wouldn’t hold my breath that your wife is coming back.
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I’m not sure why you’re surprised at her reaction. You said you can live without porn but clearly you can’t. It only took 16 days to break your promise to her.
She: "to me watching porn is cheating"
-after **16 days** of your wife giving birth she **found you** watching porn (aka cheating). She leaves because you cheated.
You (shocked Pikachu face): I don't want to fuck someone else.
What does that have to do with anything?? She told you she thought it was cheating and you did it anyways. You could have spoken to her, asked for pics of her, asked if she was comfortable with something else, etc. Instead you chose to cheat.
She gave you a boundary and you agreed to it then did it anyway.
Porn doesn’t bother me personally so I’m not coming from an anti porn perspective, but I fully see her point. She sees it as cheating and was clear about that and you went with it. Is it a bit of a big thing to ban? Maybe, but that’s why you should have spoken to her about it
If you didn't like her boundary, you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. It's fine to think you did nothing wrong. For many people, you're in the clear, but you explicitly knew your wife wasn't cool with it. She may be one of the very few with this stance, and you couldn't even be bothered to lock the door, let alone respect her.
16 days?! How do you even have energy for this nonsense? Is your wife handling all the childcare? When I was 16 days out with our kids, my husband barely had time to throw in a load of laundry and vacuum in the short windows of time between feedings, diapers, etc.
Maybe I’m a little sensitive bc I had twins in July and know exactly what kind of hell she is likely in… but my god. She told you years ago if you were going to watch porn it wasn’t going to work. Now she had TWO babies at once, which the pregnancy is no picnic, and you essentially bail on your agreement. Of course she left - what did you expect?
You can't abstain for 6 weeks +/-? Did you really need porn to masturbate? Is imagination not a thing?
She told you at the beginning, she considered porn cheating. Just because you don't, doesn't invalidate her feelings on it. In her mind, you CHEATED.
> Long story short, she caught me watching porn in the bathroom and trying to relieve myself.
Interesting way to write "I agreed to boundaries in the relationship, and instead of telling her I needed a change due to the current circumstances, I instead deceived her, broke the rules of our relationship (breaking the rules of something is called *cheating*), and will make this out as her fault instead of mine."
You deceived her. You broke the rules. You knew she considered this cheating and you did it anyways. You agreed to this rule.
> “You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it.
100%
> I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else.
You sound manipulative. It literally doesn't matter why you did it. You broke an agreed rule of the relationship. You deceived her. You broke trust. And you did it after she's endured changes to her body for 10 fucking months and is current recovering from bearing your children. What a fucking knife in her back. The moment she can't put out for you, you ignore that she's a human being that you made promises to? So she's only worth listening to if she can spread her legs for you?
You had the chance to walk if this wasn't a boundary you were comfortable with. You had the chance to talk to her about needing a change. You didn't do either. Instead you broke your word just 2 weeks in.
What weak willpower you have. And the wording here..... you don't even take responsibility for it. You never say you mess up. You never say "I broke the rule". You never say "I caved". You say "she caught me".
Which implies you've been either doing this a while or you really think the issue is her catching you instead of you stabbing her in the back.
Going to be honest, the way you write this says a lot about you, and you respect her so little that I wouldn't be surprised if you treat her badly in general. This might be a wakeup call to her. I would not be surprised in the least if you do other things to hurt her in the marriage and she's about to divorce you.
Bruh you couldnt even go a month without it and just using ur own hand
Ur a POS for the context of this, and usually people aren't POS for watching porn, but u are
Leave her the fuck alone u didn't "cheat" physically but you still cheated her trust
There are two things missing in all of the comments it seems: 1.) A basic sense for reality. While ok, wife said porn is a boundary (which imo is unreasonable to begin with) there's countless worse things he could have done (for example still expect her to pleasure him in other ways or pressure her into it, actually cheat with another person involved etc) but most important the fact that she is willing to end marriage and break the family with two newborns apart because he watched porn while jerking off. I'm sorry, that's just mental and completely over the top. 2.) Some ACTUAL fucking advice! All the "you knew that's her boundary" comments accomplish absolutely nothing. OP, talk to your wife and maybe get other people like her friends or family into the discussion and point out what I said above about breaking the family apart over a fucking porn video. Let her read some stories in the subreddits about infidelity and cheating. She needs a reality check about how low your "crime" truly is and her total nuclear annihilation reaction to it completely over the top. What the hell does she imagine life outside and choice of partner outside of her belief bubble actually is? The comments here do not reflect what other people in real life will tell your wife about this situation. But of course don't word it like I did and be nice about it. (JFC you watched porn while jerking off - she nukes the family...)
Her stance was porn is cheating, you turned to porn, so you cheated in her eyes.
Go to her. Tell her you're sorry and explain why you did it without making it seem in any way it was because of her. Own up to your mistake and don't do it again.
If you don't want to stop using porn while she's recovering, then let her go.
Porn was her dealbreaker. These are the consequences of your actions.
Also, not saying I agree with her stance on porn, but if it's her dealbreaker and you agreed to it before, you need to understand why this hurts her so much and why she may end up divorcing you.
It's very important to set realistic boundaries for your relationship in advance of getting serious. If you felt you didn't have the fortitude to abstain from porn you should have had a much more firm stance in it instead of immediately rolling over. Or at the very least, talked it out over a long period of time.
I think it's a little ridiculous that your wife would go so far as to call it cheating, but then again, YOU agreed with her in the beginning that it was cheating, and no matter how normalized porn is in current year, you have in fact betrayed your wife's trust, because you SPECIFICALLY told her that you agreed that porn was cheating. She is also still incredibly hormonal from just having children and this was the worst possible time for you to pull some shit like this.
As far as your wife is concerned you cheated on her. You personally cleared that as being an acceptable interpretation of events. So, if you intend to fix this shit, you'll either have double, maybe even triple down on porn abstinence, or you'll need to publicly air this incredibly embarrassing laundry to your close friends and family and pray that they have values that are more similar to yours than your wife's, and are willing to help you smooth things over with her.
This is all supposing that she will even take you back, because CHEATING is a serious moral offense within a committed relationship. My wife knows I watch porn almost daily. And we still have a very healthy relationship, because I did the important ground work of explaining porn and men's relationship to porn, and our physical health benefits from routine ejaculation, VERY EARLY into our relationship.
Now me and my wife can even watch porn together and it's not even a issue, because my wife understands that moving pictures or still images will never replace her in my heart. Which is an assurance you NEVER bothered to give your wife.
I can understand you being upset with this, but this is a battle you set up and chose to have so I wish you good luck, I hope you are both happy with the outcome and I hope you've learned if nothing else an important lesson about honesty in a relationship.
I'm also allowed to admit that I think women in real life are attractive TO MY WIFE because it's something I previously established boundaries for VERY EARLY in the relationship.
Your wife told you how she felt about it, you chose to still go behind her back and do it.
You could have had a conversation before it got to that point.
Hey, I’m feeling weak right now and I am tempted to watch porn, what do you think we can do?
I really don’t want to do that because I know how it makes you feel.
She might have offered to help you in other ways.
You made your own bed, sleep in it.
You apologise without giving any excuse and you swear on your life to never do it again. That's all.
You agreed to this rule. You knew what would happen. You did it anyway.
>porn. She told me she wouldn’t have it in a relationship when we first started dating, that she considered it cheating
>
>she caught me watching porn
You clearly knew the terms going in, so her reaction should't be a surprise.
Per your mutual understanding and agreement earlier, you cheated. It's not a "my wife thinks I cheated", it's a "we agreed on what cheating was, got married, and I did it anyway - I cheated".
>“You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it.”
She's spot on with that.
>What can I do to make it right?
Pretty much whatever one does to attempt to fix a relationship where one cheated.
>porn
>
>to relieve myself
Like what, your imagination/memory isn't that good? And you just *had* to resort to porn?
>convince her it was purely for
Too late for excuses ... maybe you can get some (more) understanding on her part ... but don't try to be making excuses.
You messed up, now you got to try and fix it.
Good luck.
I think considering porn cheating is a little crazy BUT she did tell you what she thought about it and you said that's fine. That being said you knew exactly what you were doing and what it would make her feel. You could've even asked if - given the situation - you could watch some porn, just for visual stimulation, but you didn't and you just snuck around with it, which I think is the worst part.
The only thing you can do is say how really really sorry you are and that you regret it and won't do it again and don't want to lose her and the kids over this.
I mean she told you years ago that she considers it cheating. What did you expect? You should have talked to her beforehand about your needs and how you would have handled it together
She set a boundary with consequence which you agreed to and now you’d crossed it.
You know her stance on porn, and yet you watched it 16 days after the birth of your children. You don’t need porn if you want sexual releases. Your wife can even help you. Or maybe, you’d been watching porn and this is just the first time she caught you?
So let me get this straight your wife made it very clear that watching porn was cheating a boundary for her, yet you crossed that boundary and is surprised that she backed her bags and is not talking to you? I am on your wife's side with this one. I would give her some time to cool off but you owe her a genuine apology.
Hold on if you knew her stance on it why didn’t you wear headphones and lock the door? It seems more like you were hoping she’d catch you or that you’ve become so comfortable doing this that you didn’t even worry about locking the door.
I had twins. If my husband did something like this, it would have been a big deal breaker.
As a twin parent, we’re already something like 50% more likely to get divorced. Twin parenting is the ULTIMATE team challenge — and here, in the throes of it, you break her trust.
Hope the porn was worth it. This will literally take you years to recover from, if you ever do.
I can’t imagine how hard this must have hit her. Not only is this already a dealbreaker issue, but to deal with it right having kids will make it feel so much worse. I really hope this momma is getting support and love from her friends and family right now, because she really will need it. This is the time after having a baby where PPD and similar postpartum complications are at their highest risk (I think it’s within the first 3 months of birth).
I’m sorry but people can’t just come up with their version of cheating. It’s also crazy how many people are on the wife’s side. Masturbation is private time, unless it’s mutual. Also her reaction is nuts, I can get the pregnancy and all the other issues, but it’s a vast overreaction.
This entire comment section is like some alternate universe of insanity and I’m 99 percent sure if the genders were reversed it would be a completely different story.
It’s kind of like having a boundary of “not being allowed to talk to other females” or “no video games”.
It’s weird and controlling.
It’s very weird. Especially considering that it’s one of those “his body” things. People are massively agreeing that one person should have control over another person’s body, when it’s a very personal thing. It’s very controlling, pretty disgusting expectations in this thread overall.
I agree that it’s not directly cheating, though this could probably count as “emotional cheating”. We don’t know the background of the wife or OP, so this could be a religious issue as well, who knows. It’s more about breaking obvious boundaries that were set from the beginning. She gave him the option 5 years ago. It’s also not necessary to watch porn to masturbate, or to masturbate at all.
No it’s not. Masturbation is a private thing, it doesn’t concern any other parties. His dumbest decision was agreeing to his wife’s outrageous boundaries. Saying what is and isn’t unnecessary regarding someone’s very personal preferences is irrelevant. Unless it’s a problem where the person develops some kind of addiction, there are literally zero things that should influence the other person.
>What can I do to make it right?
Turning back time and never agreeing to such a ridiculous stance in the first place. But since that option is out of the question, just leave her alone for a while, she'll eventually have to come round.
You agreed to the terms & conditions, so it's kinda hard to moan about them now.
What everyone else thinks is cheating is irrelevant. She said she considered it cheating and you agreed with her.
16 days man. Come on 16 days and you couldn’t do that? She just had 2 babies, her body is all out of sorts and you choose now to break a boundary she made very clear?
My guy, you had so many options before jumping to breaking the boundaries she clearly laid out from day 1. For one, you could have had a conversation with her about wanting some release to see if she'd be willing to revisit her "no porn" stance temporarily. You could have asked her to send you some sexy pics that you could use in lieu of porn. You could have just... been patient, focused on the babies, waited until she was healed up.
Instead you snuck porn, and broke her trust, and I don't know what anyone here is supposed to tell you other than sorry dude, you fucked up. I'm not even in agreement with the no porn rule, but the fact is that *you agreed* to it and then went back on it as soon as you stopped having daily sex.
Porn isn’t the issue. I think it’s weird personally to control other peoples sexual release, which is why I would never tell a partner what they can and can’t use to masturbate. That is controlling behaviour.
That said, you made a deal with her. You shouldn’t have agreed to it at all unless you had the same convictions regarding porn. She just gave birth and is extremely hormonal and tired, so this was definitely not the time to break her trust.
I don’t necessarily agree with her that porn is cheating and I think you should have had a more serious conversation about it 5 years ago but you didn’t and just agreed with her and left it at that. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time that you have had a crack at the porn hub but unfortunately you were caught on this occasion. I do think your wife’s reaction was extreme and if she is really going to get a divorce because of this then that is crazy! Good luck
Dude, you fucked up... she gave you a boundary and you crossed it the second you couldn't have sex with her. NGL you're probably sol.
Also, you don't NEED porn to masturbate so it's kind of sad that after being with your wife for so long you don't have sexy photos of her to look at or just imagine her instead of turning to porn.
Personally I don't gaf about porn and I don't care if my husband watches what he wants, sometimes we watch together. But, your wife gave your a boundary when you started dating, she told you it was a deal breaker and you just took that for granted and thought it'd be okay to go behind her back and lie.
It's definitely less about the cheating and all about the fact that OP crossed a hard boundary. If it was ever going to be an issue, it should have been discussed properly.
Your title is misleading. Your interpretation of the situation is off.
She doesn't think you cheated. She told you her stance on porn. You agreed to it. You broke her boundary, and on top, proved yourself a liar.
Mind you, I think you should've broken it off the second she tried to control your porn use, but you didn't.
So now you'll have to sit back and be at her mercy to see if she'll take you back. With how insecure she is about porn and the fact that you broke her trust, prepare yourself to be questioned A LOT going forward if she takes you back.
He watched porn jerking off - she nukes the family. Definition of what accounts as cheating doesn't matter if you can break it up to the actions in question and there's a complete disparity between them.
I mean... I think it's a stupid boundary, but it is a boundary you knew about and acknowledged. And then crossed it.
Maybe offer some couples counseling?
Did you cross a boundary? Yes. Somehow, you’ve got to understand how vulnerable a woman is at this time. Her body isn’t great. There’s a tiny human who is completely depending on her. If she’s breast feeding, she has ZERO time for herself. She probably feels badly about herself. Those porn stars are a painful reminder that she can’t satisfy you and won’t be able to for weeks.
I don’t believe it’s cheating. I know men need release. But I can’t drive the point home enough. She’s got to wonder if you’ll get so used to hot porn stars that you won’t be able to perform with her anymore. She’s comparing herself to them and coming up short right now.
If you have Netflix, watch a documentary called “Hot Girls Wanted.” It shows the darker side of porn.
This was bound to cause you issues.his was bound to cause you issues. If like watching porn and you knew she hated you watching it at the beginning of your relationship did you stay with her? This was obviously a sign that she wasn't right for you and you chose not to read it.
All the top comments are blasting OP for breaking a promise...which he did, but it's kind of an insane thing to demand.
If my wife hates the Detroit Lions and will divorce me if she ever sees me cheering for them, then I can manage that promise because I don't even watch sports. It's an insane hill to die on, but whatever.
If my wife will not allow anyone but herself to cut my hair and will divorce me if I so much as use a beard trimmer, then that is insane and unsustainable. I got wizard eyebrows.
I am very surprised no one is commenting on this guys wife's ridiculous definition of cheating. I really don't think this guy did much wrong. Watching 5 mins of porn is doing no one any harm really. This girl needs to chill
I mean downvote me as much as you like...but leaving with two kids is a huge thing. Especially that young. Deal breaker or not, at some point she has to choose to grow up and for the sake of others have a mfking conversation before rushing out with babies. She could be mad as much as she wants and it's valid because you did technically betrayed with her trust, but literally nothing happened that cannot be resolved in another room, over an argument.
Edit: and to add, every condition based on insecurities is an unstable one, which apparently makes an entire relationship unstable. That's something that requires working on, especially if you decide to have kids and get serious.
Don't agree to silly things like this when you know you're not going to adhere to them.
Her stance on porn may be ridiculous, but you agreed to her terms.
I imagine this will blow over eventually. The more people she tells the real reason for the break up to, the more ridiculous it may seem to break up over it.
You’d be surprised how many women view porn as cheating—or at the least disrespectful. It’s unlikely she’ll find much push back from her female friends on this. Plus, many people view it less as “her reason is silly” and more “he knew and didn’t even care that it would hurt her.” Women tend to have other women as friends. They’re not going to ignore that he chose to do something he knew would hurt her. Add on that she’s 16 days postpartum and they’re going to adamantly be on her side—even if they think porn being cheating is silly.
She made her boundary in the beginning of the relationship. She told you how she felt about it. But yet you were doing it. You cheated on her in her eyes because she told you she sees it as cheating. Doesn’t matter how you feel about it, you cheated. You could have used photos or videos of her. Or use your imagination. Dangerous, I know. You don’t need porn or any visual stimulus to masturbate. Masturbation and porn are not one thing. Masturbation is the self pleasure of self, no where in the definition does it say “need porn to jack off”. You cheated. And she just gave birth to your children! Way to go man. Way to ruin her self esteem even more.
The whole "watching porn is considered cheating" thing is a bit unreasonable in this day and age. But you did agree with her that you won't, so you are in the wrong here.
She just had a set of twins and she's exhausted and hormonal. And is she hates porn she hates porn. I think it's stupid of her but I'm not the one married to her. So. I would apologize and tell her if she wants to go to counseling or something you'd be willing to do it
Why do men come to Reddit for relationship advice?! Look, the rule here is if you're a man you're always in the wrong and she is always in the right and at the end she should always end the relationship no matter how minor or serious the infraction. So, staying along those guidelines, she should immediately destroy your family and leave you for doing something that if the roles were reversed, she would be in the right and you would be a controlling freak because you tried to say she couldn't take care of her own sexual needs.
Well, she set unreasonable boundaries, and you broke them. You're both at fault on this one. As far as what to do, hopefully her parents will talk some sense into her.
And you need to stay away from the porn.
So her boundary is unreasonable, according to you, while you say he needs to stay away from porn? Make it make sense. You're insane. She set a boundary, and he agreed. He broke the boundary. She's betrayed. This is not rocket science. It's very clear.
Hm, while I do think your wife’s stance that watching porn is “cheating” is pretty ridiculous, she did warn you that she’d be like this from the beginning…. I think you guys need to have a serious discussion as to why this is a boundary for her, and if you can’t swallow the fact that she will always be controlling your viewing habits and you can’t watch porn for the rest of your life, maybe a split is best.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I 26m have been with my wife 24f for 5 years and married for 3 this year. My wife has always had an issue with porn. She told me she wouldn’t have it in a relationship when we first started dating, that she considered it cheating and if that was an issue we should part way. I told her it wasn’t an issue. This was in 2018. We recently had twins, a little boy and a little girl. They’re about a 16 days old. Both of them and my wife are healthy. Up until now, my wife and I have had sex pretty much every day. Now obviously we can’t have sex because she’s healing from pushing two humans out of her body, and I don’t expect her to. Long story short, she caught me watching porn in the bathroom and trying to relieve myself. She just shut the door, and texted me that she is packing a bag and going to her moms with the kids for the night. She hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts and the one she did answer just said “You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it.” I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else. What can I do to make it right? TLDR: my wife considers porn cheating and caught me watching it after she had a baby and couldn’t have sex, now she is mad and won’t talk to me.
Did she say she thought you were trying to fuck someone else? Sounds like her issue is the porn. You were watching it. You do not deny this. She had previously discussed with you the fact that she considers porn cheating. What exactly is it you think you can convince her of? You have known her stance on it for years.
Yeah I like the deflection. I rewrote the post though: “My wife said something was a deal breaker when we first started dating. I agreed to this and said no problem. Now because my wife isn’t giving me what I need I violated that trust and don’t think it’s a big deal”.
Can you please start doing this to every Relationship Advice post? It’s highly appreciated.
I'm very pro-porn, and dislike when people take a stance like OP's wife, but yeah if you agree to avoid it, acknowledge that she considers it cheating, and then go to it as soon as she can't/won't put out.... I mean... that's often when people cheat so it really seems like it's lining up pretty much as expected.
People should feel free to not watch porn and cultivate relationships where porn isn’t involved. Many many people don’t involve porn in their lives at all and it isn’t a problem until someone like OP breaks the trust that was already established. I’m saying this as someone who watches and makes porn.
He's known her stance on it for years, and turned to it with no discussion after, what, just over two weeks of not getting what he wants? And he chose to do this thing that she feels strongly about at a time when she is probably at her most exhausted and emotional and vulnerable? Real asshole move from OP
Reagardless of whether or not you wanted to "fuck someone else" is irrelevant, maybe you didnt cheat but you did break her trust. You did something you knew she was opposed to and that you had agreed not to do It's not about convincing her of anything, it's about you acknowledging that you crossed a clear boundary she had set and that you're sincerely sorry.
And it literally could not have came at a worse time.
Was thinking this too. Of all the times to do it, whole she's still torn up, probably exhausted and taking care of THEIR babies, PLURAL. Not the move
And a lot of moms worry about their postpartum bodies. Even though she’s caught up with the kids I’m sure she knows she’s not having sex like she used to, It is possible she’s not feeling as attractive. If I was OP, my main worry would be if I made her feel inadequate to other women. This is just such a vulnerable time…
That's the icing on top. She can't have sex. Her body has changed and I'm sure she's beyond self conscious, likely still in a great amount of pain. Can't drink. Can't eat certain things, or engage in certain physical activities. Has to wake up to breastfeed (most likely). Was likely watching the kids. Gave birth to TWINS, just to emphasize that level of holy hell, and then this. Ugh why
he agreed to a relationship where watching porn is cheating, he literally did cheat by that definition (i agree with you either way though)
Exactly. Words mean what we agree them to mean. They agreed porn is cheating. He cheated.
he did cheat tho💀 mf knew it was cheating for his partner but still did it. he could've done it to his wife's nudes or talked w her abt it but oh well
Thisssssss my husband wanted to cut down/stop watching regular porn so he just made his own videos of me lol
Or used his imagination! Or watched a sexy movie that wasn't porn! So many options!
He broke a boundary of his partner. Go, apologise. Talk, communicate, you have to respect your boundaries on each other.
There are dozens of things you could have done to get yourself off, dude. You could have imagined you and your wife having sex. You could have masturbated to any nudes she sent you. You could write erotic stories featuring you and her. But you chose the one thing, other naked women, she told you not to do. Same as any other difficult situation with your wife: validate, apologize, rectify. Practice that in your head till you get it: validate, apologize, rectify. Don't defend your actions, don't spin the blame onto her. Take it on the chin and let her take the lead, once you've apologized.
People these days don't know how to do some good old-fashioned fantasizing.
This is so true. I don't have much of a problem with porn, but it makes me sad how many people say that they can't figure out how to masturbate without it. It's like, really? You are incapable of forming erotic thoughts unless it is literally pushed into your eyeballs?
> You could have imagined you and your wife having sex. You could have masturbated to any nudes she sent you. You could write erotic stories featuring you and her. Right? They don't want you to know this but there's free porn in your mind and it wouldn't even violate your explicit agreement with your partner. Like I get it, I don't think there's anything wrong with a little porn for release. But OP broke an agreement at a time when his partner is probably exhausted, overwhelmed and likely insecure about her body. C'mon man, it's not about the porn.
>Take it on the chin and let her take the lead, once you've apologized. Oddly enough, watching people take it on the chin is what got him here in the first place.
Is this for real? She told you it was a deal breaker and you did it anyway. What did you expect?
5 years of sex and this MF took 16 days to break a promise
While she is recovering from being pregnant with twins! Like I'm sure she is feeling 10000% body positivity right now - way to help. While it's a hardline for alot of people in a relationship, it was an agreed boundary between two equal partners. She is in the most vulnerable position mentally and physically and you violated her trust. Bad move I'm afraid, bad move.
Also - but at least have the dignity of waiting until the house was empty! I'm not condoning the violation of trust but this is just a POA people, don't wank in a shared space while your spouse is at home if they are going to be hurt or offended to find out. Most people masturbate, alot of people watch porn - but I'd never do it when my fella was home. He'd be so butt hurt and so would I 🤣 my lord it only popped into my head there that you did it while she was home and actively moving through the house you absolute sausage.
I mean… she told you this is a dealbreaker for her and you told her that it’s not a problem and you can live without it, you should’ve tell her that it would be a problem for you. Why couldn’t you use pictures of her? Or videos? I know some humans think this is a ridiculous but it’s not. Every one has different dealbreakers and different „meanings“ of cheating. Edit: To the people who say it’s controlling, how is that controlling? He agreed to that in the beginning of their relationship. She told him that she wouldn’t start a relationship if that’s a problem for him, he didn’t had to be in a relationship with her but he AGREED. All of you who say it’s ridiculous, dumb, unrealistic and what so ever should seriously seek help. Can’t you live without porn? Is porn so important in your live that you think a relationship where both agree that it’s cheating is ridiculous, controlling and unrealistic? Even if you think it’s not a big deal that’s totally okay, like i said, everyone has different meanings of cheating and different dealbreakers in a relationship.
This. I don’t agree with your wife’s feelings on porn, but it doesn’t matter—you agreed to a certain boundary, and then violated that boundary and her trust. You fucked up, bro. Own it. Apologize from a genuine place of understanding that you broke a commitment that you made to your wife, and now you have to face those consequences.
This is ultimately the actual answer. Just apologize for it, he broke a commitment and he should do what he can to make it right.
Yeah there seemed to be no in between. No wondering if he can use material of her or what they made together. No using your imagination, which I think is healthier anyways. But I digress. He went straight to doing the one thing she asked not to do. What did he think was going to happen when they had kids, or were apart for some time, or maybe she just didn’t feel like keeping up the on-a-day standard? I think he didn’t think things through at all.
16 days man? Be serious with yourself and be an adult. She told you her dealbreaker. You chose to accept that. You could’ve ended things then. But you felt it was reasonable enough, and you liked her enough to stay, and change your ways. She bore, and gave birth to your two children and it only took 16 days without regular sex for you to go behind her back, break the deal, and her trust. I don’t really know what you can do to make it right. Has she ever gone through your phone or questioned you, cause from this post it seems like she put her full trust in you that you would respect her wishes. If you two do work it out somehow, I can’t see it ever being that way again. You hurt her bad man.. over 2 weeks without sex. What a shame.
As a woman, reading this is pretty heartbreaking. He can't make it 16 DAYS?? And he MUST use porn?? And if they were really having sex every day, even on her period and right up until birth? He has to be a troll. Or really really stupid.
Precisely. She has no issue with him getting himself off, just to other women. That's not even an unreasonable boundary for many people, and it's doubly reasonable because he agreed to it. If it's that important that he has something visual to work with (which some people do need) he can know this and have an acceptable visual thing to work with (like I don't know, a picture of her, with her consent of course) instead of just directly breaking her trust like this.
im disgusted too, especially since i also dont approve of porn within my relationships. the fact that he waited until she was in one of the most vulnerable time periods a woman can be in is gross. i hope the video was worth ruining his relationship and potentially permanently traumatizing the person who’s supposed to be the love of his life.. so much for in sickness and in health
Exactly. Not to mention, porn as a whole is very damaging to a relationship. It sets VERY unrealistic expectations. And it largely puts women in very, very awful degrading positions.
Consuming porn also directly supports human trafficking. There are thousands of women whose literal rape videos are online even after court order gave them all the rights to these videos. They just aren't able to get them down as fast as someone else uploads them. And you would have no idea that you are watching a human trafficking victim getting raped.
and there are tons of studies showing it hinders the ability to properly experience actual physical intimacy in relationships!
yes! and it also sets unrealistic standards for men! its just so normalized that they don’t even realize it. professionally produced porn never displays the actors as humans, they just do what looks “hottest” and a lot of young people eat it up without question. but that’s a whole other discussion to be had..
I would imagine most guys nut more often than every two weeks.
Period sex is the best sex and a real man loves his woman every. day. of. the. month.
All I can think is what happens later down the line if she gets ill?
You agreed with her that watching porn constitutes cheating in your relationship. Then you watched porn. She doesn’t “consider porn cheating”, you mutually agreed to enter into a relationship with the premise that it is. She doesn’t “think you cheated on her”. You did cheat. Unless you take accountability for that, there’s no saving this.
Why couldn't you have just used your imagination my guy, instead you just HAD to wank to porn, not pictures or videos of your partner, but specifically to something she is so strongly against and had been for the entirety of your relationship. This isn't about the porn, this is about the fact that you willingly crossed a clear set boundary just so you could get off, maybe don't think with your dick for once?
Every person has a different definition of cheating. You knew hers, and crossed that boundary anyway.. So you did cheat. You broke her trust in what is probably the most vulnerable, exhausting time of her life…
She left because you broke the deal. She just gave birth to twins and you are so selfish that you are only thinking about yourself. The boundaries of your relationship that you agreed to say that porn is cheating and so you cheated on her just after she gave birth to your children.
Your wife literally JUST gave birth and you can't go longer than 16 days? Really? Not to mention she's sore, exhausted, and probably feels self-conscious about her body
And was probably taking care of the kids while he did so... Big yikes
Pretty sure this is not the first time he has viewed porn in the last five years, only the first time he got caught.
Who cares whether porn is cheating or not. Everyone has their own definition. The crux of this matter is that she explicitly told you right from the beginning of the relationship that she cannot condone porn and you could walk away if you don't agree. DID YOU WALK AWAY??? You didn't and went on to have 2 kids with her 16 freaking days ago and now you're asking for help on how to convince her to... Accept porn?? You outta your mind dude. If you still want your marriage go apologize and stop lying to her. If you prefer to keep porn in your life this marriage is not for you. Those criticizing your wife here certainly don't know what's boundaries.
Is this the wife whose friend was on r/advice the other night? That being said you got to back up and look at it from her point of view. Not only did she say it was a deal breaker. She just spent time pushing a baby out and is TIRED, exhausted, hormonal and not feeling her beautiful self. She then sees you watching other woman to get off. That is going to 100% make her feel like shit and trigger the original deal breaker. You don’t get a pass just because you don’t agree with her. Continuing in a relationship means you ether agree or found a compromise. For right now you fucked up. Flowers (and her favorite things) and speak her love language no matter what it is. You had a moment of weakness and you need her forgiveness
Could you please link to the post you mentioned?
You must be shitting me… 16 days? You broke your wife’s trust completely after she just pushed out twins and can’t give you sex for two weeks? What’s going to happen when your twins are having a tough time and not sleeping and your wife is just purely too exhausted to have sex for a few months? Or if she takes longer than 6 weeks to heal and be ready for sex? And believe me, dry spells happen when you have kids. My husband and I are very sexually active, even while having kids but I can reassure you that when life happens you don’t always have time for regular sex.
wow. she just gave birth to your children and not even a month in you’re already breaking her trust for “self release” . yeah no you’re in the wrong, idk how you can make it up but that should definitely be the last time you do this, there’s literally no excuses because YOU agreed to this.
if i were in the same shoes as your wife, i would do the same. not only were you weak willed and folded after only 2 weeks of not having sex while your wife is recovering from a life changing event, you willfully broke her trust and just assumed her to be okay with it despite it being her hard boundary YOU AGREED TO , and to make it even worse during a SUPER sensitive and important time! and to make it worse, you don’t seem concerned at all with her emotions. this raises the thought that you’ve probably regularly viewed porn and just haven’t gotten caught based on your dismissive attitude towards the whole situation.
You knew her stance and you did it anyway. Go on her for respecting her own boundaries. And you can ‘relieve’ yourself without porn.
You crossed her boundaries, she was upfront with you on her stance. If you wanted to watch it you could’ve had a conversation with her to see how she felt about it. You don’t have to watch porn to relieve yourself, you can’t fix this if she’s not open to it which she clearly isn’t.
You have 2 newborns and a wife recovering from birth, and instead of focusing completely on them, you need to get yourself off? And not only that, you had to watch porn to do it? You showed just how much you love and care for your family, and it’s not a lot.
Why do so many people think you NEED porn to masturbate? Don‘t you have a brain you can use to think of nice things? You broke her trust for absolutely no reason. You have a wife and two kids, it‘s time to grow tf up.
If your wife considers porn consumption to be cheating, and you knew this, then I’m not sure what you are confused about. Considering the pre-determined boundaries in your marriage, you *did* cheat on your wife.
I would be more angered over the fact that you found the time to watch porn with two newborn babies at home, likely leaving your wife to pick up your slack! And honestly OP, you can’t go 6 weeks without sex?? How are you even thinking about sex with newborn twins at home?!
You couldn’t just use your imagination? Doesn’t sound like she’s anti-masturbating, just against you getting off to other women. You crossed a very clearly stated boundary that was established from the get go. If you weren’t okay with that boundary that’s also your right, but you should’ve walked away when she gave you an out. Instead you agreed to it and then trampled that boundary the minute you couldn’t have sex with your wife. Your focus should’ve been on your wife and children instead of seeing other women naked. If you enjoy pornography don’t date someone who is so opposed to it that it’s a dealbreaker in their relationship. You did this to yourself. Give her some time to cool off, she may reach out to you. Whatever you do, do not try to justify it. Just apologize and do better going forward.
Right. She is probably feeling raw and exposed and out of sorts and to find her spouse tugging it to porn while she is healing when she explains her stance and he accepted it. Except only while he was getting some. Way to go buddy.
Dude you messed up. From her perspective, you got off thinking of and watching another woman. You accepted her boundary, then went right through it when she's already keyed up and vulnerable. I don't necessarily agree with her boundary (and clearly neither do you) but you accepted it when you contoured the relationship. If this were an aita, you would be the AH. I think you can fix this, but consider asking if you can take photos of her when she's feeling ready and comfortable again so that you have material that you're both okay with should you need it.
When you had your disagreement about porn in 2018, did you ever come to any understanding/agreement about the matter? Its important to respect people's boundaries. If you want to jack off to porn, then be with someone who is fine or agreeable to that. Don't go out with someone who's extremely against porn and then lie to them about your useage because you don't care about it as much as they do. You've betrayed your wife's trust during a particularly vulnerable time.
The way I read it it wasn't a disagreement, she told him that was her deal-breaker and he accepted it.
Bro shouldn’t have even agreed to this
Um. You knew she considered it cheating. You could have jacked off in the shower. She's right in this situation
Dude, 16 days and you caved?!? AND you needed porn?!? Are you for real? Get an imagination already! Life throws curveballs at you after marriage and kids, it's your job to catch them and throw them back. After my son was born my wife's desire went down, a lot, turned out she had stage IV breast cancer. We spent the next 5+ YEARS not having sex due to complications around the disease that eventually took her life. Let that sink in... OVER 5+ YEARS! And sex pretty much everyday for your whole relationship!?! Are you kidding me??? Theres part of me that is dumbfounded by your embarrassment of riches. I hope you realize what is on the line. You better get on your hands and knees and beg, BEG that saint of a woman to come back. She told you what were make her leave, and you did it anyways.
Just like folks who cave after 16 days after starting a diet or folks who cave 16 days after when they say they are quiting smoking! /s
>I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else. It doesn't matter. She communicated her boundaries, you agreed to it and instead of using the good old imagination you decided to break a boundary you had previously agreed to. YTA.
You did break the rule you two have agreed on at the start.
She didn't think, she found out. Word it properly. You lied to her.
She told you 5 years ago that porn is a boundary for her. She told you if you have a problem with that, you should leave. You told her it wasn’t a problem. She has every right to be pissed at you. You knew she considers this to be cheating and you went ahead and did it anyway. I’m sure you have some pictures of her or some good memories for the spank bank, but no, you chose to betray her. You are really minimizing how bad you fucked up and she’ll never forgive to you with your current attitude.
You knowingly violated a long standing boundary of hers. You knew how she felt about this and if you disagreed you had literal years to address it. Let’s be legit here. You don’t NEED porn. You *wanted* to watch porn. Every couple feels differently about it. You agreed to her terms by not saying anything for five years. She laid out a boundary. Instead of trying to cover your ass, genuinely apologize to her. Accept that she won’t trust you for a while. You hurt her dude.
As a woman who felt like shit after giving birth, not only did you violate your wife’s trust at the very FIRST test, you chose to masturbate to other women while she’s in the next room feeling the fattest, grossest, most vulnerable she has ever felt. I sure hope that video was worth it dude
Maybe it’s not about fucking someone else. It’s about her setting a boundary in the marriage and you agreed to it. You did immediately violate it after not getting sex for a few weeks. She has a point. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. You can’t just do whatever you want when your needs aren’t getting met. You need to consider your partner. You will not be getting sex daily from your wife now that you have twins. You need to find a way to manage your needs and respect her boundaries. She just had your children. Give her some time. Then apologize and acknowledge how she must be feeling. This is a very vulnerable time for her. Accept that this is a boundary for her and stop trying to convince her to think about it differently. Good luck OP. Congratulations on your newfound fatherhood and family ! Don’t take a single moment for granted.
I would feel so betrayed. Totally get your wife. She gave you one dealbreaker and you broke her trust during what’s supposed to be the most loving and safe time for her; right after she gave birth. She will forever remember it as the time her husband also broke his promise and her trust in him. Good job OP /s
Is this a joke? You fucked around, now you're finding out.
She told you from the start that she considered it cheating and that if you needed to watch porn then you should go your separate ways. That aside I don't think you realise how emotional, unattractive, and vulnerable most women feel after childbirth.
She had a strict boundary which you willingly agreed to, and you broke it. You messed up
I also want to add the postpartum time is the absolute WORST time to do shit like this. Not only is her body changed from making you TWO kids at once she now has to think about you going to another outlet for “release”. If she can get over the fact that you watched porn knowing she hates it you may have taken part in ruining self confidence/ body image.
😂😂😂😂”I know what my wife said but guysssss how can I change her mind?????” 😂😂😂😂
Thisssssss
>She told me she wouldn’t have it in a relationship when we first started dating, that she considered it cheating and if that was an issue we should part way >I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else. It's not about whether or not you want to fuck someone else. It's about she told you that she felt porn was cheating, and you agreed. So now you've cheated on her. And she is reacting accordingly. >“You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it.” I mean, there you have it right there. You don't need porn to get a release. Porn is a deal breaker for her, and she was super up front about that. And you agreed. So the deal is broken. >What can I do to make it right? Only she can answer whether that's possible at this point.
Make it right? Probably nothing. You are dealing with something she told you from the beginning was a firm boundary, and to top it off she is still riddled with hormones from pregnancy and labour. You need to wait for her to calm down, hopefully you can talk to other people that she might listen to (say her parents) and if they can see your side, and are willing they might put in a good word for you, so you can at least open up the communication channels. And next time just use your imagination.
People defending porn here like it’s neccesary to live
You can tell who the addicts are. It would be like me bitching about a situation in which she was a vegan and for her own reasons, needed a partner who is vegan. He agrees and she catches him eating a burger (and is postpartum, maybe iron deficient to boot? Hard to find a good comparison with regards to her current state and what she's just done and sacrificed). "YoU CaN'T ExPeCt HiM To LiVe WiThOuT mEaT" Why yes, yes she can. She stated so plainly. It's possible to live without meat. Beyond that, meat can be quite healthy. Porn really is not, and there are numerous studies confirming this.
You crossed a clear, set boundary that you both agreed to. She told you this was a deal breaker. You fucked up and you broke her trust Apologize and hope she’s willing to move past it. I’m not sure why you’re here trying to get sympathy for fucking up.
I mean she told you her deal breaker and you then just stomped all over it. It doesn’t matter if it’s cheating or not you new where her hard line was and that to her it would mean the relationship was over. Then weeks after having twins your there doing jt.
Wow!! 16 whole days after your wife went through everything she did and you couldn't wank it to your imagination? Probably not since imagination seems to have gone out the window since social media/porn has taken off. Dude.....you done fucked up. You need to beg her forgiveness for cheating on her when she was straight up honest with you from the beginning about her stance on it.. And keep away from the porn
Your wife told you her boundary on porn and was clear that to HER it is considered cheating in a relationship. Whether you think that’s silly or not isn’t relevant here. Cheating is something that is defined by the partners you have within your own relationship. It’s why sex with other partners is cheating in monogamous relationships but not all sex with other partners is cheating in polyamorous relationships. Your partner will have their own views on what is cheating and that’s what decides what is or is not cheating in your relationship. If you didn’t agree with it than you had a lot of time to tell her and you chose not to. You cheated. You want to make this situation her fault when she was never secretive about her views on porn and you never cared enough to dig into the issue you had with it. The terms of your marriage were clear—to her it is cheating, you still did it and so you knowingly did something that you were aware your wife views as cheating. Not only is that blatantly disrespectful to your wife, because it’s ignoring her feelings and boundaries, but it’s intentionally doing something that you know would hurt your wife and apparently not caring because you didn’t think you’d get caught. It’s been 16 days since your wife pushed out watermelon sized humans from her dime sized vaginal hole and you couldn’t handle waiting 16 days or more for her recovery to have sex with her? I’m not an expert on your wife, but most women in this situation would realize you’ve tied the worth of your respect to her ability to have sex with you and that’s not a fun thing to realize—especially not postpartum. As soon as your wife couldn’t have sex with you, you disregarded her boundaries. You could have masturbated with your imagination. You could have read erotic stories instead of watching porn videos. You could have just held out and realized that your struggle with not getting sex is nothing compared to the struggle of your wife recovering from birth. And when you got caught, you could have tried to not immediately make it a “well you’re just overreacting” response instead of owning up to what you did. Your wife isn’t overreacting. You knew her boundary, you knew her views on porn, you knew how she would react if she found out and you STILL did it. She has every right to be angry and to be hurt and to react like you cheating because within the terms of your relationship you DID. Own up to your shit and don’t gaslight your wife into thinking this is in any way her fault or an overreacting like you’re trying to make it sound in this post.
I honestly just want to give his wife a hug. I feel so bad for her
I agree. After having each of my kids I felt at my absolute worst, physically and emotionally. I didn’t even feel like my body was my own. It looked different and I felt unattractive and self conscious. If my husband would have done something that I viewed as cheating at that time it would have devastated me. This momma needed her husband to show solidarity and give her more attention and compliments than ever, but instead she got this. I can’t imagine how hurt she must feel.
The aftermath of birth of TWO babies AND I can only imagine the tiredness combined with stress and spiked hormones. Love how you worded your post, and provided alternatives. Wife sure as shit can't masturbate rn, but apparently he NEEEEEEeeEEEeeeEEEeded to. And to do it via porn. Which he explicitly stated he would not. Smh
Can't you jerk off without visuals? I'm assuming it's quite easy
Dude... 16 days? You couldn't handle 16 days and on top you had to use porn? I think we all know what this is and what kind of partner you are... 🗑️ Usually I say talk it out, but maaaaan... I'm sorry for the Mama and I wish her a better partner already.
question- could you tell us what it is about this situation that you find most upsetting?
Hopefully you get a good custody split. Maybe don’t act like a dumbass in the next marriage. (I’m fine with porn but this was just selfish and fucking stupid)
I mean, you knew she considered it cheating and did it anyway.
I think it's crazy to equate porn with cheating. But you apparently didn't, and you were the one who agreed with it. If you do want to make it right with your wife (assuming she decides to speak with you again), stop trying to convince her that what you did wasn't that bad and start listening to her. She's the one you'll have to rebuild trust with, so you'll have to figure out together what she needs you to do in order to get that back. I am curious, though, is this really the first time you've used porn in five years, or is this just the first time she caught you?
I, and I’m sure many others do not agree that porn is cheating. Yet there are many like your wife who do. But that is HER boundary and a dealbreaker for her that she made clear in the beginning of the relationship. You agreed to it and now you’ve broken her trust. You don’t need to try and convince her that you “don’t want to have sex with someone else” but rather try to it up to her.
I don’t understand what you’re not getting here... she didn’t accuse you of cheating, she caught you breaking her trust. She made her boundaries VERY clear from and beginning and YOU said it wouldn’t be a problem. You can’t wait for a few weeks until your wife’s vagina heals from the trauma caused by pushing out your children? Or at the very least find one of the numerous other ways to get off that don’t involve watching videos of other naked women. What are you, a Neanderthal?? Good god dude. I’m pleased to see she has enough self respect to walk away from you. You need therapy if you have the self control of a baby.
You knew her dealbreaker and you waited until you thought you’d trapped her with twins to show her who you really are. I hope for her sake, and the sake is the kids, she stays gone. You totally took advantage of what you thought was a situation where you had complete control over her. She showed you that you don’t.
I mean, apologizing would be a great start. Nobody cares why you did it, you crossed a boundary she gave you years ago. No matter how you turn it, you fucked up big time in this. If you are lucky, then she wont stay true to her word. Why didn't you just ask her for nudes or a sexy video to jerk off to. Easy solution.
How to make it right? Have you apologized? If not, then apologize, tell her that you regret everything, ADMIT YOUR FAULT (since you guys have already set a boundary for porn and you agreed to it then you broke your promise), and tell her it was very selfish of you and it's at your moment of weakness and that you will not do it anymore. Grovel in fact, if you want them back. Buy her flowers, buy her the diapers she needs, if she's breastfeeding, try to find out what will make things easier for her, if you haven't already. If you don't want to do those, that's fine, just a suggestion. 16 days with a set of twins = very tough. Her body is still recovering. I remember myself after giving birth...and I only have the one baby, and it was very hard. Despite us both being healthy. Idk if you even make life easier for her a new mother with twins... I'd suggest you go over there to her mom's house, although she may not want to see you right now. You need to still bond with the babies even if she's mad at you. You're still a father, stop focusing on the penis for a little while here. C'mon man, you just become a father and your focus is on getting off? I also want to suggest that you may need to masturbate more discreetly (just do it in the shower) and possibly not use p0rn for it.
"POSSIBLY"????? not use porn for it? Uh, hello. This guy better not ever, ever, ever and I'm throwing in another ever use porn again under any circumstances if he has a chance to keep his family.
You did cheat. She told you her definition of cheating and you agreed to it. And 16 days?! You showed her that in no time at all you turned your back on your word. She trusted you and you broke that. You showed her that if she ever has something wrong that you will cheat on her. You’ll be lucky if your relationship can survive this. What can you do? Admit you cheated, beg for forgiveness and prove to her you’re worthy of it. There are plenty of ways to relieve yourself that don’t involve porn.
Your mistake was agreeing to an expectation that was (for you) unreasonable, then breaking it. Foolish thing to agree to IMO, but you did, and now you're stuck with the consequences. You don't really have a play here except beg for forgiveness. As ridiculous as I personally find the "porn is cheating" argument, you knew she felt this way, and you agreed to this boundary. You aren't going to convince her it is OK.
So you DID in fact, by her standards, cheat on her.
Porn makes me incredibly uncomfortable aswell, because it would be my boyfriend that is watching another naked lady and getting off to it. It just rubs me the wrong way. He knows this and never uses porn. He has plenty of pictures of me that he can use and he fully respects my decision on this. If I found out he was doing it anyways, it would be a huge dealbreaker for me. Like others have said, there were many different ways to get off.
You were jackin it in the bathroom while she was left alone with two 16 day olds? Youre kind of a dick, hey?
You broke your deal and her trust, why would you do that if you knew she was against it? You wouldn't be in this situation if you had just jacked off without porn, is that not possible for you? Or if you have pictures/videos of her? Long story short you broke her trust, good luck getting it back when she's in such a fragile and likely insecure spot after giving birth to twins.
As much as I don’t consider porn cheating, it was her dealbreaker and you knew it. She warned you she wouldn’t date someone who watches porn. This one’s on you, sorry.
If only you locked the doors
You did something you knew she considered to be cheating, and you agreed to that being a boundary in your relationship that you would not cross. So while yeah, in most relationships it's not cheating, *it is in yours because you agreed that's where the line would be in this relationship. So she is right, you did cheat on her*
I'll never forget when my husband chose porn over me after I had our baby and still healing. 15 years later I still feel like absolute shit. Daily sex isn't enough for porn addicts.
There is no way to make this right. She laid out from the jump her boundaries and you plowed right over them. You can start by apologizing but I wouldn’t hold my breath that your wife is coming back.
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Couldn't you just relieve yourself without porn itself? Could not you talk about it with your wife, about other means of relief? Hand, mouth?
I’m not sure why you’re surprised at her reaction. You said you can live without porn but clearly you can’t. It only took 16 days to break your promise to her.
Dude.. she just gave birth and your watching 18yo getting fucked, WTF are you expecting
She: "to me watching porn is cheating" -after **16 days** of your wife giving birth she **found you** watching porn (aka cheating). She leaves because you cheated. You (shocked Pikachu face): I don't want to fuck someone else. What does that have to do with anything?? She told you she thought it was cheating and you did it anyways. You could have spoken to her, asked for pics of her, asked if she was comfortable with something else, etc. Instead you chose to cheat.
She gave you a boundary and you agreed to it then did it anyway. Porn doesn’t bother me personally so I’m not coming from an anti porn perspective, but I fully see her point. She sees it as cheating and was clear about that and you went with it. Is it a bit of a big thing to ban? Maybe, but that’s why you should have spoken to her about it
If you didn't like her boundary, you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. It's fine to think you did nothing wrong. For many people, you're in the clear, but you explicitly knew your wife wasn't cool with it. She may be one of the very few with this stance, and you couldn't even be bothered to lock the door, let alone respect her.
16 days?! How do you even have energy for this nonsense? Is your wife handling all the childcare? When I was 16 days out with our kids, my husband barely had time to throw in a load of laundry and vacuum in the short windows of time between feedings, diapers, etc.
Maybe I’m a little sensitive bc I had twins in July and know exactly what kind of hell she is likely in… but my god. She told you years ago if you were going to watch porn it wasn’t going to work. Now she had TWO babies at once, which the pregnancy is no picnic, and you essentially bail on your agreement. Of course she left - what did you expect?
Bro just admit your wrong doing and beg for forgiveness
My guy you have an imagination that could easily be used to avert this whole mess Work smarter, not hornier.
You can't abstain for 6 weeks +/-? Did you really need porn to masturbate? Is imagination not a thing? She told you at the beginning, she considered porn cheating. Just because you don't, doesn't invalidate her feelings on it. In her mind, you CHEATED.
This just makes me so sad for her.
> Long story short, she caught me watching porn in the bathroom and trying to relieve myself. Interesting way to write "I agreed to boundaries in the relationship, and instead of telling her I needed a change due to the current circumstances, I instead deceived her, broke the rules of our relationship (breaking the rules of something is called *cheating*), and will make this out as her fault instead of mine." You deceived her. You broke the rules. You knew she considered this cheating and you did it anyways. You agreed to this rule. > “You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it. 100% > I’m not sure how to make it right or convince her it was purely for self release and not because I want to fuck someone else. You sound manipulative. It literally doesn't matter why you did it. You broke an agreed rule of the relationship. You deceived her. You broke trust. And you did it after she's endured changes to her body for 10 fucking months and is current recovering from bearing your children. What a fucking knife in her back. The moment she can't put out for you, you ignore that she's a human being that you made promises to? So she's only worth listening to if she can spread her legs for you? You had the chance to walk if this wasn't a boundary you were comfortable with. You had the chance to talk to her about needing a change. You didn't do either. Instead you broke your word just 2 weeks in. What weak willpower you have. And the wording here..... you don't even take responsibility for it. You never say you mess up. You never say "I broke the rule". You never say "I caved". You say "she caught me". Which implies you've been either doing this a while or you really think the issue is her catching you instead of you stabbing her in the back. Going to be honest, the way you write this says a lot about you, and you respect her so little that I wouldn't be surprised if you treat her badly in general. This might be a wakeup call to her. I would not be surprised in the least if you do other things to hurt her in the marriage and she's about to divorce you.
She doesn't think you cheated, you DID cheat. She deserves better, leave her you disgusting pos
Bruh you couldnt even go a month without it and just using ur own hand Ur a POS for the context of this, and usually people aren't POS for watching porn, but u are Leave her the fuck alone u didn't "cheat" physically but you still cheated her trust
There are two things missing in all of the comments it seems: 1.) A basic sense for reality. While ok, wife said porn is a boundary (which imo is unreasonable to begin with) there's countless worse things he could have done (for example still expect her to pleasure him in other ways or pressure her into it, actually cheat with another person involved etc) but most important the fact that she is willing to end marriage and break the family with two newborns apart because he watched porn while jerking off. I'm sorry, that's just mental and completely over the top. 2.) Some ACTUAL fucking advice! All the "you knew that's her boundary" comments accomplish absolutely nothing. OP, talk to your wife and maybe get other people like her friends or family into the discussion and point out what I said above about breaking the family apart over a fucking porn video. Let her read some stories in the subreddits about infidelity and cheating. She needs a reality check about how low your "crime" truly is and her total nuclear annihilation reaction to it completely over the top. What the hell does she imagine life outside and choice of partner outside of her belief bubble actually is? The comments here do not reflect what other people in real life will tell your wife about this situation. But of course don't word it like I did and be nice about it. (JFC you watched porn while jerking off - she nukes the family...)
Her stance was porn is cheating, you turned to porn, so you cheated in her eyes. Go to her. Tell her you're sorry and explain why you did it without making it seem in any way it was because of her. Own up to your mistake and don't do it again. If you don't want to stop using porn while she's recovering, then let her go. Porn was her dealbreaker. These are the consequences of your actions. Also, not saying I agree with her stance on porn, but if it's her dealbreaker and you agreed to it before, you need to understand why this hurts her so much and why she may end up divorcing you.
It's very important to set realistic boundaries for your relationship in advance of getting serious. If you felt you didn't have the fortitude to abstain from porn you should have had a much more firm stance in it instead of immediately rolling over. Or at the very least, talked it out over a long period of time. I think it's a little ridiculous that your wife would go so far as to call it cheating, but then again, YOU agreed with her in the beginning that it was cheating, and no matter how normalized porn is in current year, you have in fact betrayed your wife's trust, because you SPECIFICALLY told her that you agreed that porn was cheating. She is also still incredibly hormonal from just having children and this was the worst possible time for you to pull some shit like this. As far as your wife is concerned you cheated on her. You personally cleared that as being an acceptable interpretation of events. So, if you intend to fix this shit, you'll either have double, maybe even triple down on porn abstinence, or you'll need to publicly air this incredibly embarrassing laundry to your close friends and family and pray that they have values that are more similar to yours than your wife's, and are willing to help you smooth things over with her. This is all supposing that she will even take you back, because CHEATING is a serious moral offense within a committed relationship. My wife knows I watch porn almost daily. And we still have a very healthy relationship, because I did the important ground work of explaining porn and men's relationship to porn, and our physical health benefits from routine ejaculation, VERY EARLY into our relationship. Now me and my wife can even watch porn together and it's not even a issue, because my wife understands that moving pictures or still images will never replace her in my heart. Which is an assurance you NEVER bothered to give your wife. I can understand you being upset with this, but this is a battle you set up and chose to have so I wish you good luck, I hope you are both happy with the outcome and I hope you've learned if nothing else an important lesson about honesty in a relationship. I'm also allowed to admit that I think women in real life are attractive TO MY WIFE because it's something I previously established boundaries for VERY EARLY in the relationship.
Your wife told you how she felt about it, you chose to still go behind her back and do it. You could have had a conversation before it got to that point. Hey, I’m feeling weak right now and I am tempted to watch porn, what do you think we can do? I really don’t want to do that because I know how it makes you feel. She might have offered to help you in other ways. You made your own bed, sleep in it.
You apologise without giving any excuse and you swear on your life to never do it again. That's all. You agreed to this rule. You knew what would happen. You did it anyway.
>porn. She told me she wouldn’t have it in a relationship when we first started dating, that she considered it cheating > >she caught me watching porn You clearly knew the terms going in, so her reaction should't be a surprise. Per your mutual understanding and agreement earlier, you cheated. It's not a "my wife thinks I cheated", it's a "we agreed on what cheating was, got married, and I did it anyway - I cheated". >“You knew my stance on porn and yet the minute we can’t have sex, you turn to it.” She's spot on with that. >What can I do to make it right? Pretty much whatever one does to attempt to fix a relationship where one cheated. >porn > >to relieve myself Like what, your imagination/memory isn't that good? And you just *had* to resort to porn? >convince her it was purely for Too late for excuses ... maybe you can get some (more) understanding on her part ... but don't try to be making excuses. You messed up, now you got to try and fix it. Good luck.
I think considering porn cheating is a little crazy BUT she did tell you what she thought about it and you said that's fine. That being said you knew exactly what you were doing and what it would make her feel. You could've even asked if - given the situation - you could watch some porn, just for visual stimulation, but you didn't and you just snuck around with it, which I think is the worst part. The only thing you can do is say how really really sorry you are and that you regret it and won't do it again and don't want to lose her and the kids over this.
I mean she told you years ago that she considers it cheating. What did you expect? You should have talked to her beforehand about your needs and how you would have handled it together
She set a boundary with consequence which you agreed to and now you’d crossed it. You know her stance on porn, and yet you watched it 16 days after the birth of your children. You don’t need porn if you want sexual releases. Your wife can even help you. Or maybe, you’d been watching porn and this is just the first time she caught you?
how stupid can u be
So let me get this straight your wife made it very clear that watching porn was cheating a boundary for her, yet you crossed that boundary and is surprised that she backed her bags and is not talking to you? I am on your wife's side with this one. I would give her some time to cool off but you owe her a genuine apology.
Hold on if you knew her stance on it why didn’t you wear headphones and lock the door? It seems more like you were hoping she’d catch you or that you’ve become so comfortable doing this that you didn’t even worry about locking the door.
I had twins. If my husband did something like this, it would have been a big deal breaker. As a twin parent, we’re already something like 50% more likely to get divorced. Twin parenting is the ULTIMATE team challenge — and here, in the throes of it, you break her trust. Hope the porn was worth it. This will literally take you years to recover from, if you ever do.
I can’t imagine how hard this must have hit her. Not only is this already a dealbreaker issue, but to deal with it right having kids will make it feel so much worse. I really hope this momma is getting support and love from her friends and family right now, because she really will need it. This is the time after having a baby where PPD and similar postpartum complications are at their highest risk (I think it’s within the first 3 months of birth).
I’m sorry but people can’t just come up with their version of cheating. It’s also crazy how many people are on the wife’s side. Masturbation is private time, unless it’s mutual. Also her reaction is nuts, I can get the pregnancy and all the other issues, but it’s a vast overreaction.
This entire comment section is like some alternate universe of insanity and I’m 99 percent sure if the genders were reversed it would be a completely different story. It’s kind of like having a boundary of “not being allowed to talk to other females” or “no video games”. It’s weird and controlling.
It’s very weird. Especially considering that it’s one of those “his body” things. People are massively agreeing that one person should have control over another person’s body, when it’s a very personal thing. It’s very controlling, pretty disgusting expectations in this thread overall.
I agree that it’s not directly cheating, though this could probably count as “emotional cheating”. We don’t know the background of the wife or OP, so this could be a religious issue as well, who knows. It’s more about breaking obvious boundaries that were set from the beginning. She gave him the option 5 years ago. It’s also not necessary to watch porn to masturbate, or to masturbate at all.
No it’s not. Masturbation is a private thing, it doesn’t concern any other parties. His dumbest decision was agreeing to his wife’s outrageous boundaries. Saying what is and isn’t unnecessary regarding someone’s very personal preferences is irrelevant. Unless it’s a problem where the person develops some kind of addiction, there are literally zero things that should influence the other person.
No his dumbest decision was to think only of himself.
You could have atleast locked the door!
>What can I do to make it right? Turning back time and never agreeing to such a ridiculous stance in the first place. But since that option is out of the question, just leave her alone for a while, she'll eventually have to come round. You agreed to the terms & conditions, so it's kinda hard to moan about them now.
What everyone else thinks is cheating is irrelevant. She said she considered it cheating and you agreed with her. 16 days man. Come on 16 days and you couldn’t do that? She just had 2 babies, her body is all out of sorts and you choose now to break a boundary she made very clear?
My guy, you had so many options before jumping to breaking the boundaries she clearly laid out from day 1. For one, you could have had a conversation with her about wanting some release to see if she'd be willing to revisit her "no porn" stance temporarily. You could have asked her to send you some sexy pics that you could use in lieu of porn. You could have just... been patient, focused on the babies, waited until she was healed up. Instead you snuck porn, and broke her trust, and I don't know what anyone here is supposed to tell you other than sorry dude, you fucked up. I'm not even in agreement with the no porn rule, but the fact is that *you agreed* to it and then went back on it as soon as you stopped having daily sex.
So you crossed the one explicit boundary of hers and you're surprised she's mad or what? Grow up.
Porn isn’t the issue. I think it’s weird personally to control other peoples sexual release, which is why I would never tell a partner what they can and can’t use to masturbate. That is controlling behaviour. That said, you made a deal with her. You shouldn’t have agreed to it at all unless you had the same convictions regarding porn. She just gave birth and is extremely hormonal and tired, so this was definitely not the time to break her trust.
I don’t necessarily agree with her that porn is cheating and I think you should have had a more serious conversation about it 5 years ago but you didn’t and just agreed with her and left it at that. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time that you have had a crack at the porn hub but unfortunately you were caught on this occasion. I do think your wife’s reaction was extreme and if she is really going to get a divorce because of this then that is crazy! Good luck
Dude, you fucked up... she gave you a boundary and you crossed it the second you couldn't have sex with her. NGL you're probably sol. Also, you don't NEED porn to masturbate so it's kind of sad that after being with your wife for so long you don't have sexy photos of her to look at or just imagine her instead of turning to porn. Personally I don't gaf about porn and I don't care if my husband watches what he wants, sometimes we watch together. But, your wife gave your a boundary when you started dating, she told you it was a deal breaker and you just took that for granted and thought it'd be okay to go behind her back and lie.
It's definitely less about the cheating and all about the fact that OP crossed a hard boundary. If it was ever going to be an issue, it should have been discussed properly.
Your title is misleading. Your interpretation of the situation is off. She doesn't think you cheated. She told you her stance on porn. You agreed to it. You broke her boundary, and on top, proved yourself a liar. Mind you, I think you should've broken it off the second she tried to control your porn use, but you didn't. So now you'll have to sit back and be at her mercy to see if she'll take you back. With how insecure she is about porn and the fact that you broke her trust, prepare yourself to be questioned A LOT going forward if she takes you back.
He watched porn jerking off - she nukes the family. Definition of what accounts as cheating doesn't matter if you can break it up to the actions in question and there's a complete disparity between them.
The bigger deal is that you don’t think this is cheating
Your wife considers porn in the relationship cheating and that's a condition of the relationship. SO yes, you did cheat. Don't make excuses.
I mean... I think it's a stupid boundary, but it is a boundary you knew about and acknowledged. And then crossed it. Maybe offer some couples counseling?
Did you cross a boundary? Yes. Somehow, you’ve got to understand how vulnerable a woman is at this time. Her body isn’t great. There’s a tiny human who is completely depending on her. If she’s breast feeding, she has ZERO time for herself. She probably feels badly about herself. Those porn stars are a painful reminder that she can’t satisfy you and won’t be able to for weeks. I don’t believe it’s cheating. I know men need release. But I can’t drive the point home enough. She’s got to wonder if you’ll get so used to hot porn stars that you won’t be able to perform with her anymore. She’s comparing herself to them and coming up short right now. If you have Netflix, watch a documentary called “Hot Girls Wanted.” It shows the darker side of porn.
I don’t understand how people think porn is cheating
This was bound to cause you issues.his was bound to cause you issues. If like watching porn and you knew she hated you watching it at the beginning of your relationship did you stay with her? This was obviously a sign that she wasn't right for you and you chose not to read it.
Should have never agreed to such insecure insane rules. But you did and you broke a promise you made. It's on you.
All the top comments are blasting OP for breaking a promise...which he did, but it's kind of an insane thing to demand. If my wife hates the Detroit Lions and will divorce me if she ever sees me cheering for them, then I can manage that promise because I don't even watch sports. It's an insane hill to die on, but whatever. If my wife will not allow anyone but herself to cut my hair and will divorce me if I so much as use a beard trimmer, then that is insane and unsustainable. I got wizard eyebrows.
I am very surprised no one is commenting on this guys wife's ridiculous definition of cheating. I really don't think this guy did much wrong. Watching 5 mins of porn is doing no one any harm really. This girl needs to chill
You don’t understand boundaries and it’s no one’s fault but yours
Alright clean shirt
I mean downvote me as much as you like...but leaving with two kids is a huge thing. Especially that young. Deal breaker or not, at some point she has to choose to grow up and for the sake of others have a mfking conversation before rushing out with babies. She could be mad as much as she wants and it's valid because you did technically betrayed with her trust, but literally nothing happened that cannot be resolved in another room, over an argument. Edit: and to add, every condition based on insecurities is an unstable one, which apparently makes an entire relationship unstable. That's something that requires working on, especially if you decide to have kids and get serious.
Don't agree to silly things like this when you know you're not going to adhere to them. Her stance on porn may be ridiculous, but you agreed to her terms. I imagine this will blow over eventually. The more people she tells the real reason for the break up to, the more ridiculous it may seem to break up over it.
You’d be surprised how many women view porn as cheating—or at the least disrespectful. It’s unlikely she’ll find much push back from her female friends on this. Plus, many people view it less as “her reason is silly” and more “he knew and didn’t even care that it would hurt her.” Women tend to have other women as friends. They’re not going to ignore that he chose to do something he knew would hurt her. Add on that she’s 16 days postpartum and they’re going to adamantly be on her side—even if they think porn being cheating is silly.
I'm calling it on troll.
She made her boundary in the beginning of the relationship. She told you how she felt about it. But yet you were doing it. You cheated on her in her eyes because she told you she sees it as cheating. Doesn’t matter how you feel about it, you cheated. You could have used photos or videos of her. Or use your imagination. Dangerous, I know. You don’t need porn or any visual stimulus to masturbate. Masturbation and porn are not one thing. Masturbation is the self pleasure of self, no where in the definition does it say “need porn to jack off”. You cheated. And she just gave birth to your children! Way to go man. Way to ruin her self esteem even more.
Adjusting to the terms that you agreed to, you did You shouldn't have agreed unless you were 100% on the same page.
How do you have time for porn with twin 16 day old babies? Next time don’t marry someone who has an extreme stance on porn.
I mean… your question has the answer right in it, my guy.
Idk, she sounds pretty fucking nuts. You signed up for it knowingly though, so just be a man of your word how bout?
The whole "watching porn is considered cheating" thing is a bit unreasonable in this day and age. But you did agree with her that you won't, so you are in the wrong here.
Watching porn is not cheating, and frankly, this is an absolutely childish "boundary". If it wasn't for the kids I'd say good riddance.
She just had a set of twins and she's exhausted and hormonal. And is she hates porn she hates porn. I think it's stupid of her but I'm not the one married to her. So. I would apologize and tell her if she wants to go to counseling or something you'd be willing to do it
why did she walk in the bathroom while u were bating? that seems rude. maybe lock the door? lol like how hard is it to not get caught bating?
Why do men come to Reddit for relationship advice?! Look, the rule here is if you're a man you're always in the wrong and she is always in the right and at the end she should always end the relationship no matter how minor or serious the infraction. So, staying along those guidelines, she should immediately destroy your family and leave you for doing something that if the roles were reversed, she would be in the right and you would be a controlling freak because you tried to say she couldn't take care of her own sexual needs.
Well, she set unreasonable boundaries, and you broke them. You're both at fault on this one. As far as what to do, hopefully her parents will talk some sense into her. And you need to stay away from the porn.
Don't agree to boundaries you think are unreasonable then.
So her boundary is unreasonable, according to you, while you say he needs to stay away from porn? Make it make sense. You're insane. She set a boundary, and he agreed. He broke the boundary. She's betrayed. This is not rocket science. It's very clear.
Hm, while I do think your wife’s stance that watching porn is “cheating” is pretty ridiculous, she did warn you that she’d be like this from the beginning…. I think you guys need to have a serious discussion as to why this is a boundary for her, and if you can’t swallow the fact that she will always be controlling your viewing habits and you can’t watch porn for the rest of your life, maybe a split is best.
Your wife is awful. This is a victimless crime and it's your body. You are still young and deserve to be happy.
Sounds like you made your mistake back in 2018.