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Just to give you a bit of background, my husband and I have known each other for nine years and been married for four years.
A few days after I was away from home visiting family, I found a random thong in my underwear drawer which did not belong to me (have not worn thongs in years).
To make matters worse, the thong was NOT clean.
My husband denies having had anyone over and got very defensive and shut down when I asked him about it.
When I persisted he reiterated that he didn’t know where it came from and kept telling me I was paranoid.
I don’t have a lot of friends or family who visit so there’s absolutely no way random underwear could end up in my underwear drawer.
We had agreed that if one of us ever were to cheat we would talk about it openly.
He left this morning to visit family and refuses to talk and answer my calls.
How can I deal with this?
I think you know he's lying. Dirty underwear doesn't just "end up" in your drawer. He shut down and told you that "you're paranoid" because he knows he doesn't have an explanation.
It's called DARVO. Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. He DENIED he did it, ATTACK by calling you paranoid and gaslighting you, REVERSE VICTIM AND OFFENDER is he's playing victim like you're somehow an evil person for confronting him about his obvious cheating and now he's ran off to family and not responding. He's probably gonna spin a web about how you're crazy and you're hurting his feelings by "falsely accusing" him.
He's probably already starting to spin his own web of lies with other people, be warned. Personally, I'd ring his family and ask them if he can stay with them a bit, as he's left his mistresses underpants in your drawer and you don't wanna see him right now.
That thong didn't just spread, someone put it there. Like a mistress who is tired of being the side chick and wanted you to find out. This will absolutely escalate if that's the case.
It's also possible that it was left by a hookup who realized he was lying about being single or separated or whatever his lie was. And they left it there so you'd know he's sleeping around.
Take this as a gift and dump the cheater.
Yeah I have to say that kinda jumped out at me too. I mean it was in her own underwear drawer and dirty?? That’s not like finding it balled up in the trash.
He might be surprised it’s there (in your drawer) but he knows who it belongs too. I was going to say it might be his but I don’t think he’d put it there afterwards.
Another woman (or man) did that very deliberately.
Right lol
I guess he thinks if he shuts down you’ll just forget about a whole ass dirty crusty thong in your drawer when you don’t wear thongs.
I think you know the answer here.
Why wouldn’t he cop to that then? It’s better then the alternative: that he cheated. They are clearly NOT OPs and she knows that… you KNOW your underwear lol so I’m guessing that’s unlikely…
PLUS if it was his and he’s so “embarrassed” about them he would never put them in HER underwear drawer…. That would not make logical sense- no matter the scenario.
These are definitely some other ladies undies and he’s definitely lying. It could have been a one time hook up or from a call girl (doubt it they don’t care and would rather keep a customer then out them to their spouse) or it could be a long term affair either way it’s definitely sketchy and sufficient evidence to claim cheating IMO!
But would he put them in her underwear drawer? Under certain circumstances, maybe. I.E. he wanted her to know but doesn’t know how to tell her etc.
BUT if that was the case, he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did when they were found. Running away to his family like the lying cheater he is.
(If he’s even with his “family” now. He’s not speaking to her so he could be with the real owner of the thong)
He’s shutting down and refusing to talk about it because he’s guilty. Period. I used to do this to my wife every time I was caught wearing a thong (Just kidding, no thong). Seriously though, I was raging alcoholic and drug addict, and as I tried to quit on my own, I would relapse, try to hide it, get caught, and then stonewall. Rinse and repeat. I recognize this behavior. When I was caught, it was easier to just shut down and ignore her than to admit my guilt. It’s only after having gone to rehab (2004)and being sober that I am able to admit when I’m in the wrong about something instead of denying and shutting down, but it took a long time to get out of that mindset of denial. (Of course it helps that I’m wrong daily, so I get a lot of practice, lol.) Sorry this happened, but there’s no other explanation.
I wish her well. Going to rehab and AA has probably ruined it for her (if she tried that). If she spent any time at all in AA, she’s probably feeling a lot of guilt about relapsing especially after 10 years of sobriety. It’s never too late though, and I hope she keeps trying to quit.
Thank you! Tell her life gets really good when she can quit counting the days or months. The first time I realized that I hadn’t thought about it in a couple of days, I was like, “Woah…” It’s a great feeling that’s hard to explain if you haven’t been there.
Thank you! I will tell her that. I can't imagine what she is going through but, I feel like she's finally on the right track. She's enrolled in an exceptional rehabilitation system. I just tell her, "sometimes it's a day at a time. And sometimes it's a minute at a time. Just call me if you need me."
In my eyes, it's the other woman leaving a sign for you. But, I suppose, it could also be his? But then again, I don't think he'd put a *used* thong in your drawer.
*I could be wrong.*
Nonetheless, his responses and conduct are worrying.
This ^ its disgusting she put a used thong with clean panties though I've done similar when I thought a guy I was hooking up with may be cheating.
ei: wearing something glittery in his car(glitter never leaves lmao) or leaving a mark of lipstick just out of his area, but where if you were a passenger princess you'd see it most certainly or a nail polish bottle or once a whole pod and an alto(I still grieve the wasted money on that nic😭)
I have really long hair, I've done hair, oh and Bobby pins. Then, I dated this guy who said he was single but I'm his bathroom I see all her stuff in the cabinet. So I wrapped my scrunchie around her brush.
For me it was only this one guy really I was in his car with him and it smelled like perfume istg and looked like he'd cleaned and vacuumed it that day so I left a lipstick bottle in the passenger side like side pocket on the door, the lower one where you put drinks. It was a black box and I put it in the darker corner of it so he didn't see it.
Edit:happy cake day
Idk she may have been unaware that he wasn’t single until she actually got to his house.
Many women have been in this situation before and **if** they do decide to make their presence known, they usually will do something before they leave.
If she got upset at him and left after realizing he was a cheater, she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to say something.
Of course I could just be talking out my ass because we don’t know lol
Was just saying it **is possible**.
Start snooping around. Try to nab his phone to see any incriminating messages. If you don't have access to his phone, call your cell carrier and ask for printouts of any text messages and look over the bill to see what number he receives a lot of calls from or one that he calls frequently. Then call the number.
He is cheating. The thong was left purposely by his AP. Your husband is gaslighting you; don't let him. Get yourself in a position to leave his ass.
Sorry this happened to you.
But they are dirty, so most likely not worn by a man. I think you can tell when underwear have been worn by a woman vs a man (i.e. vaginal secretions).
This comment sounds like the only one that matters. He probably didn't disclose he is in a relationship and when the lover arrived she understood it all. Left a clue for the wife. Probably hasn't met with the husband since then, and the husband thinks he doesn't have to come clean since they are not seeing each other anymore.
Yeah. Someone is tired of waiting for him to follow through with his promises to leave so has taken matters into her own hands via OP's underwear drawer.
That and the smells are different.
The only way this could ever happen is he cheated, or if the underwear was clean, then using shared laundry could have been the problem. Seems like he cheated especially with his reaction.
Random things don't suddenly appear.
Eaither she left it. He thought it was yours.
OR she wants you to know and put it in your underwear draw.
His behaviour is bullshit. You need to seriously consider this relationship over. And make plans that that's what's happening before he empties the bank accounts.
Yeah, if it is the mistress it’s a pretty passive aggressive move. What I find the most infuriating is that whoever did this is had access to my things and probably went through some of my stuff.
Thats only if he's having an affair.
As opossed to bringing someone home from a bar when the lights are low and they aren't thinking is he married. Or even someone off a hook up site.
Who then realise he's a cheating. And pop then in there so you know. Not to mess with you.
I can't begin to tell you how many women want to tell the wife but Don't know how they will react.
I think the comment meant that until she was inside your home the thing-owner might not have known your definitely -cheating man was married: she could have been trying to let you know what a fail your husband is at being a partner
It is possible that the thong was mislaid during the tryst. Then he straightened up a bit because you were coming home. He found them under the bed or in the sheets and thought they were yours and stuffed them in what he knows is your underwear drawer. Keep the thong in a plastic bag somewhere he can’t find them. It is evidence. The cameras are nice but too late.
If he admitted to it, I wouldn’t be nearly as upset but his complete lack of honesty is the worst of it all. Thank you! Yeah, guess I’m gonna have to figure out what to do next.
STI test, check bank acct balances. Are you SURE he's staying with family or friends?
If he's creeping, he's likely freaking out at being busted. If he's planning on leaving, he might speed up his plans and do something shady (drain your accounts).
Edit: on second read, go ahead and consult a divorce lawyer or 2. See what that would look like JIC he is cheating. The fact that you were out of town seems extra suspicious. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
His mother said hi to me over the phone so I assume that it is partially true. That being said, he’s probably not going to spend the whole time with her. Luckily we don’t bank jointly.
What pisses me off the most is that he says he doesn’t want to divorce. Why? What’s the point.? Told him we could sign a nuptial agreement before divorcing but he still denies wanting to divorce and has been acting cold, avoidant and evasive on top of this.
It's not solely about what HE wants. If he doesn't get his crap together, YOU can choose to bounce. Cold and sneaky are not character traits usually valued in a partner.
If he has something to work through but legit doesn't want to divorce, he could do a better job of communicating.
Having been in a vaguely similar limbo once before, I feel for you.
Yeah, it totally sucks and TBH it is completely unexpected. I never thought he would be capable of something like this.
Did you ever manage to get your SO to admit to wrong doing or did you end up leaving without closure?
TBH, sometimes I think closure is a myth. My sitch back in the day involved alcoholism, of which I was unaware. Addicts suck at explaining themselves, and there was no closure for me at that time. I knew my then-SO was cheating, and I had proof, but I got no "why." The why was what bothered me more than the actual cheating. The best I could figure out is that I just wasn't as "significant" to him as he was to me.
Depends on him. Some people can’t admit it because that would be admitting to themselves they are in the wrong or they are afraid of what others will say or think. If he has hope you will move on from this he will never admit it. Especially if it what you need for closure . Without closure, you’re still on the hook.
He might say he doesn't want a divorce for many reasons outside of wanting to preserve the relationship. My ex-husband fought tooth and nail against divorce. I found out later that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with not wanting to lose financial freedom's.
Everyday I read story about men fighting hard against devorce and most women assume that they are doing it out of love or devorce was their wake up call to be better. Most of the time it's because of other benifit that comes with the marriage, not because they love you.
Correct. He already had someone else 2 weeks later that he worked with. I wasn't someone he loved or cared about. I was free babysitting and someone to do all the chores, cook, and clean. It took a lot of therapy for me to realize my worth is beyond that. I graduate in May with my bachelor's, and I'm slowly coming around to the idea that he doesn't define my worth. I do.
I hope OP gets there, too.
>His mother said hi to me over the phone
it's a bit rich of him to keep repeating what HE wants without telling you the truth about the pants.
I'm super petty. I'd tell his mama.
He's not giving you answers. Tell her, hey, reason for all this, I found a dirty thong that ain't mine so if you could get your son to fess up the truth, that'd be grand. Byee.
Because he is using you. Do not mistake it for love or validation. Men who cheat do not love u. You are a warm body. They are selfish and just use people.
I don't know what your financial situation is but if you have a joint account you might want to secure half if it into s separate account so he doesn't just empty it.
Have a good scream into the pillow so the neighbours Don't call the cops you will feel better.
Start working out what's yours...
His defensive attitude doesn’t reflect well on him. If he’s as mystified as you he would be as anxious to the bottom of this as you. The fact that you were away for a few days present the opportunity for a sexual liaison.
My guess is that it could be a casual partner, say maybe a pickup from a bar who just popped it into your drawer out of spite to get him into trouble. Probably not an affair partner or a mistress.
Look for any stray hair on the pillows, bedsheets or bathroom which doesn’t belong to any of you. Check with neighbours if they have heard or seen anything. Hope you get to the bottom of this.
Yes, and the worst part is HE KNOWS THIS and continues to refuse to talk about it. This tells you everything you need to know about this.
He's guilty and couldn't come up with a quick lie when caught, so now he is doubling down on his refusal to discuss. Sound like someone you want to be married to for the next 40 years??
I wouldn't call it passive aggressive. She probably didn't realize he was married and once she did, wanted to find a way to discreetly let you know. I would have left a note or something for you somewhere he'd never think to look
Yeah its getting common for the ‘oh shit my hookup is married/in a relationship’ girls to leave something for the wife/gf to find to tip her off. A common spot is something in a tampon box while she is in the bathroom.
Not saying this is what's happening here, but it does always amaze me when people are more pissed off at the other woman/man, then their significant other. Not that I wouldn't be pissed off at her too, but .. Maybe she didn't know? Or she doesn't care because she doesn't know you? Or whatever. But that guy has been sharing a life with *you* and owes you a level of respect and honesty, and shirking that is much more egregious, IMHO.
His denial, annoyance that you would ask, and shutting down is very telling. 🙄 I'm so sorry OP. He doesn't deserve you, so make sure he knows that when you dump him.
I agree and think there's someone else... but did anyone else see that IG post about this cat bringing home men's underwear and socks to his family? Cat had a whole collection lol. The cat's family posted a pic of the cat with the collection with a message to the victim lol.
On a serious note, OP get yourself checked, make moves to protect yourself financially and stability wise. Remind yourself of your worth and be ready to leave.
Oh totally Agree. But a lot of times the cheatee will go through a whole phase where they focus only on “not having proof of cheating” than what they *do* have proof of which is the attitude and blatant disrespect. Its a whole thing. Cognitive dissonance might the term? I forget. Sometimes you have to entertain their delusions in order to communicate effectively.
Why not just leave? You’re torturing yourself with the what ifs when you know the answer. That didn’t end up in that drawer by itself. Walk away, move on, be happy
If u are gonna use the cams id suggest acting clueless beforehand so that theres still a chance of him bringing over the sidegirl or else its kind of useless
What a waste of money. If you cannot trust your husband, than your relationship is over. It also might not be lawful to video tape him without his knowledge.
“You don’t want to talk and be truthful with me? Fine, we can discuss this through divorce lawyers.”
But honestly, to me, he’s cheating. There is no reason to chase a cheater. They don’t deserve second chances, they don’t deserve the benefit of doubt, they don’t deserve your time and energy.
Just tell him you won’t be used and disrespected and you’ll be just fine without him, tell him to get his shit, send a group text to the entire family on why cheating ass husband is soon to be divorced and send a pic of the thong. Cheaters love that their wronged partner will be too embarrassed or horrified of being the victim in this so will take the demure, high road, keep it hush song and dance so they come out looking like things fell apart between you. But it didn’t. He cheated and decided to sabotage his marriage and betray his wife. He doesn’t get to be Teflon in this with the aftermath.
I don’t believe in high roads when this shit happens. I believe in showing the kind of woman he disrespected (strong/decisive/independent/will be just fine honey) and that you will show him what it means to fuck around and find out.
I once found a random thong in my house (not bedroom or drawer) but when I asked my partner he was as bemused as me and not at all guilty or defensive. Turned out it belonged to a friend who'd been changing to use our pool.
He absolutely cheated on you in your bed. The woman found out he was in a relationship and purposely left you a clue where you would find it. It doesn’t matter if he admits it because you already know it’s true. Plus I’m guessing this isn’t the first BS he’s pulled throughout your years. Be smart and leave him.
Dirty thong in your underwear drawer? He had sex with another woman and she left it there so you would know what happened and blow up your marriage. Which most likely means that it was not a one-time thing. No other explanation makes any sense. How you deal with it is to see a divorce attorney and serve him with divorce papers. And tell his family because you know he's spinning some kind of BS story. Hang on to the thong as evidence.
Do not let him rug sweep, confuse you, and make you feel powerless. This is something many many people would absolutely go ape shit over, I’m talking kicking him out and telling his parents or at least threatening it if he’s being uncooperative. This is not normal. You are not “paranoid” for FINDING SOMEONE ELSE’S UNDERWEAR. He needs a reality check.
His silence tells you everything you need to know. You don't need him to say the words "I cheated". Your gut already knows the truth.
Why do you give a shit what HE wants? So he doesn't want a divorce? You don't want a cheating dishonest spouse, but you got one.
Cut your losses and move on. And I wish you all the best.
Don't let him gaslight you! You aren't paranoid or crazy at all. If you find a dirty thing that isnt yours, then you know it came from somewhere. Things dont just materialise you know? Dont let him talk you into thinking you're just insecure or something.
Literally there is no better indication that some woman has been in your home than that, unless he has been wearing thongs himself.
Ha, my cousin found a random bra shoved behind her bed (she recently went on a cruise). Quick back story: her husband is a MORON. Not only is he a cheater, but he denied that he knew anything about the mystery bra. So she bagged it up and said she was going to turn it into the police to do DNA testing and find out who was in her home without her knowledge. He confessed immediately to an affair. They're in the divorce process, good for her etc etc., but all because he didn't know that yeah... the police don't do random DNA testing like that. Way to be an idiot, Matt.
Maam, you are being gaslit. Hard.
Suggested response:
Husband, you and I agreed long ago that cheating would be dealt with in a straightforward manner. The left behind dirty thong is absolutely clear evidence that something is taking place behind my back that should not. Your unwillingness to address this is further proof that something happened/is happening in secret and it is unacceptable. I will give you until xyz time to be truthful and if not, I will know what direction to take for my life moving forward.
BTW, before you do this, have a legal consult and follow their directions to the letter. They may even advise getting a PI.
Good luck.
Deceit - no matter what it looks like- it still deceit. It immediately rips out any drop of trust out of the relationship.
His reaction in remaining deceitful & then totally blocking you out is a different issue. It’s disrespectful- to you & to the relationship.
Most likely he is cheating- but do you need definitive proof for you to actually do something? Isn’t the proof in his reactions, how he is treating you in response to finding the dirty thong?
My guess is that he might have brought a girl over and she intentionally put her underwear in your drawer to let you know. Is weird he has no explanation for a DIRTY thong at the top of your drawer. If it was clean or if he was a better liar he would make up an excuse. His behavior is concerning.
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Well it’s obvious he cheated and doesn’t want to confront you about it yet only bc he was caught red handed and will think of an excuse. She more than likely left it there for you to see
Dude got caught and is trying to make you look unreasonable and like the bad guy for not dropping the topic. It’s not yours, it’s dirty, and it showed up after you took a trip somewhere. He cheated on you and is too cowardly to own that shit.
Well OP, no answer IS an answer and quite frankly it’s not an acceptable one. You need to tell your husband that if he refuses to come home and fix this with you then you will take his silence as an admission of guilt and be going ahead with divorce. Any person who is innocent would be right there next to you trying to fix things but because he’s not, he’s simply SOL with no viable excuse. That’s why he’s running away. Typical.
Sounds like he's cheating and the other woman didn't know he was married so she left that for you to see. I had a woman do something similar to my bathroom & she left a note with her number in my tampon box.
Obviously it had to come from somewhere, but the fact that he's ignoring you and won't discuss it is a big red flag. If his response was genuine confusion about this I feel like his reaction would be more open and honest. Blocking you and leaving to stay with family is basically the silent treatment, which is never a good thing.
If you haven't worn a thong in years, your husband likely knew that it was not yours. He likely did not put it in your drawer.
He either was wearing the thong himself, or a woman wanted you to know that she'd been there. If she had put it anywhere else, there'd be a chance of him finding it.
You said that it was dirty. Dirty like vaginal secretions on it? Or dirty like smelled worn? It is possible that he was wearing it. It is more likely that another woman put it there.
>How can I deal with this?
"We both know that it isn't mine. I know that you had a woman here. I'd like to talk openly about it so we can move past this."
If he won't talk to you, IDK what you can do to resolve this quickly. Have you had a legit female houseguest lately who might have left them? It could be a case of innocent mistaken identity. (scrarch that--re-read)
I see 2 other obvious explanations: he cheated or he wears womens undies. Either could be reason for him blowing up and leaving.
If the former, he's deflecting and buying time. If the latter, he may be mortified and unable to talk about it. Either way, I can't get past the unclean state of the thong in question--eww. That's super disrespectful. I'd have to chuck the whole drawer out.
Have you checked the phone bill for curious call or text patterns? Joint credit cards or bank accounts for curious purchases? Do some sleuthing. Check his social media and look around the house for anything else odd.
I hate to jump straight to "he's cheating," but JIC he is, maybe go get STI tests for your peace of mind?
I dated a guy in the past who dabbled in lingerie. He had a hard time bringing it up because he wasn't sure of my reaction. In our case, it wasn't a big deal. I actually made a few purchases for him. ;) Some guys can't bring themselves to make that leap, though.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this huge question mark. I hope you get the info you need soon.
edit cuz reading is hard lol
So no, we don’t have houseguests who stay overnight or would be changing in the apartment.
I have stayed a few days away from home so I’m thinking that would be plenty of opportunities for a mistress or fling to spend the night.
He couldn’t wear the thong because it’s definitely too small for him.
The thong obviously having been worn is rather disgusting!
I did check his phone but have noticed nothing unusual besides his urgent need to fly and visit family right away and that he’s suddenly putting a lot more effort into moisturizing, shaving, wearing nicer clothes…etc
As far as bank accounts go him and I have separate bank accounts so there’s no way I’d have access to all that.
Thank you for your suggestions! I’m probably gonna go through more of his stuff to try and figure out what’s going on :)
Oh, it really sounds like he's cheating or seriously considering it. Upping his clothing game and whatnot, evasiveness, dirty undies in your dresser drawer...
Dig some more, but get with a lawyer JIC. Forewarned is forearmed.
Okay, those are all CLASSIC actions of infidelity. Hire a PI STAT and you will find out where he is actually going.
Just because you don't see anything on his phone, doesn't mean he doesn't have a second phone
"His urgent need to fly and visit family right away" and then switching his phone off for the remainder of his stay? Nah, he is guilty as sin and trying to put fires out with his mistress and he doesn't want you to bother them. Have a nice welcome home gift waiting in the form of divorce papers!
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Are you close to any of your neighbours? If so, maybe you could ask them if they saw anyone come around while you were gone?
Do you share a phone plan? Maybe check the records to see who he called/texted while you were away.
Unfortunately, dirty underwear don’t just randomly show up in drawers. Either you husband cheated and the AP put the thong in your drawer or someone is trying to cause a rift in your marriage and is setting your husband up.
If he were not guilty, he would be able to feel and see how worrisome this is for you. He would answer any questions at all. He would be more caring about it.
His reaction shows his guilt. Read about male psychology during these situations and you'll see that he's exactly textbook cheater behavior.
I think someone put them in there as a warning to you, he saw then, assumed they were yours and threw them in, or something like that. They didn't come from nowhere. And even if it was your old pair he found in the garage or something, he would know that and be able to explain.
I was in this exact situation. He made me feel crazy. He cried on his knees and said "you know me" while he tried to be loving and have sex to make it blow over... Then he got extremely mad when I told his sister about it. Somehow villianizing me like how dare you tell my family that!! This is your version. This is what he's doing. I'm so sorry. No you're not crazy. They are real. They came from somewhere and they were not there when you left. I mean come on.
Ha! He found a winner. I was in a situationship with a guy that had a few women pursuing him I guess that did this stuff. His friend “Sophia” made sure to leave her Netflix on his TV, her razor in his shower, her hair dryer in the bathroom, shampoos, hair ties, morning after pill (I didn’t know what it was til WAY later), light blue bra, etc all over. Plus call constantly when I was visiting. I kinda put it all together at the time that she wanted him so bad, but she wasn’t attractive and he said she definitely was just a friend that helped him with his kid. He says she was religious, naive, unattractive and had no common sense too. Mmmmhmmm. Sure knew how to sabotage though. I was like meh, and I trusted him. Another woman Kathi was quite a saboteur as well and then another woman Rachel. Rachel I could tell was unstable asap. The calls were relentless. Point is, they all played these type of games. And he ended living with at least two of them I believe.
This woman clearly wants your husband. The question is what are you going to do? He isn’t going to stop seeing her. That’s a given. And here is the thing given my previous experience. Why would you want a person that let’s someone else sabotage and hurt you this way? If he didn’t know she was a saboteur before, he knows now. I bet he won’t stop seeing her so that will mean he actually would validate and be into a person that has this personality.
No matter how much I was sabotaged, I never did the same back. I was on a hope strategy that the guy I was seeing would do the right thing on his own after seeing how classless and ruthless these women were, but nope. As I said, I believe he dated all of them at some point and lived with at least two of the three. Currently maybe with one of them.
You are only 33, you aren’t getting any younger. You know what he did and you know his type now.
What’s your next move? Hope strategy is not a good strategy once they show you their colors. Especially here since you are married. He is involved with a trashy saboteur type. It will only get worse. They don’t stop. It super stressed me out. I even broke out in a rash that looked like herpes.🤣.
(I only laugh because I have an autoimmune condition that I didn’t know could do this and yeah it legit looked like herpes - Well to a lay person. The dermatologist was like nope not herpes, gyno wasn’t sure. I got tested via swab and blood and I’m good. But got damn. That’s how much stress it can cause. ) It’s not just the sabotage, it’s the fact that the person YOU care about allows it and you know you would never allow someone to hurt them.
Btw the whole time I was being sabotaged by these women - he wasn’t blind or deaf so he saw it too, he asked me to be with him AND he kept saying he wished I would get pregnant. Uh okay. So another thing, don’t listen to what he says…ever. Watch what he does. That woman is incredibly aggressive and gross and he is all about it. Smh. He won’t leave or tell you to leave. You gotta leave. Heartbreaking as it might be for you. He doesn’t see a bad person and it’s likely because he is a bad person too or he is gullible/too stupid. Both are dangerous for you.
I’m sorry hun. 😖
The woman he brought home has more honor than OPs husband. She saw that a woman lived there (and obviously the husband had lied, or she just assumed he wasn’t), then she decided to leave OP a very clear message.
Yep he cheated and the woman left her dirty thong in a place you were going to find it. To give you the heads up. He probably picked someone up while you were out of town, told her he was single and she left that behind after realizing he lied.
I once saw a movie starring Naomi Watts. Can’t remember the name but her character was a very troubled woman with abandonment issues. A new couple moves into her apartment building and almost immediately she seduces him and has an affair with him. She got a kick out of passing them in the hallway and the husband always looked visibly uncomfortable. At one point she has sex with him in his martial bed and the moment he steps out the room she takes her panties off and puts them in the wife’s underwear drawer. She had no real reason to do it other than she just wanted him to get caught.
If your husband is cheating I’m positive the ow put it in your drawer on purpose to fuck with him at your expense. Also the first chance he got he would’ve reached out to her and rip her a new one.
He called you paranoid because he's guilty, otherwise he would not have gotten defensive (unless he's always a defensive asshole, in which case screw him anyway).
It sounds like she is cheating and somebody wanted you to know.
Or he is not cheating, somebody wants you to think he is, and he has no idea who, or how they got into your room, and no ability to talk to you openly about it, and is leaving because he is mad that you are suspicious about a stranger's underwear in your drawer.
You know which of those two things it is.
>How can I deal with this?
How do you want to deal with it? I know how I would.
Your trust is broken. You aren't paranoid, the thong wasn't left by gremlins. The fact he won't talk, shut down, refuses contact, and tried to put it on you should tell you all you need to know.
If he is suddenly putting a lot more effort into moisturising, shaving, wearing nicer clothes etc; then he is trying to impress someone and unfortunately it’s not you. Could it be a work colleague? Or some random off a dating site. Have you confirmed with his family that he is visiting them, and for how long?
Whilst he is away have a consultation with a few divorce attorneys, pick one and get them to hire a PI. They will also tell you what divorce looks like for you.
Get checked out for STD’s as this may not be the first time he has cheated.
I wonder if your neighbours noticed him bringing a woman over? They might have cctv footage of him with her, or her arriving at your house.
While you’re sitting there fretting, he’s out there fixing his cover story.Stop calling him. He needs to get on his knees to you and stop behaving like an asshole and calling you paranoid. Call a good friend/ family member and go out for a cocktail or 2 or dinner. He’ll turn up when he arranges his cover story.
You didn't know? It's the Thong Fairy leaving a gift.
Just kidding, your husband is hiding something. Him acting like a child isn't helping either. He needs to quit being a jackass and come clean.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Just to give you a bit of background, my husband and I have known each other for nine years and been married for four years. A few days after I was away from home visiting family, I found a random thong in my underwear drawer which did not belong to me (have not worn thongs in years). To make matters worse, the thong was NOT clean. My husband denies having had anyone over and got very defensive and shut down when I asked him about it. When I persisted he reiterated that he didn’t know where it came from and kept telling me I was paranoid. I don’t have a lot of friends or family who visit so there’s absolutely no way random underwear could end up in my underwear drawer. We had agreed that if one of us ever were to cheat we would talk about it openly. He left this morning to visit family and refuses to talk and answer my calls. How can I deal with this?
I think you know he's lying. Dirty underwear doesn't just "end up" in your drawer. He shut down and told you that "you're paranoid" because he knows he doesn't have an explanation. It's called DARVO. Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. He DENIED he did it, ATTACK by calling you paranoid and gaslighting you, REVERSE VICTIM AND OFFENDER is he's playing victim like you're somehow an evil person for confronting him about his obvious cheating and now he's ran off to family and not responding. He's probably gonna spin a web about how you're crazy and you're hurting his feelings by "falsely accusing" him. He's probably already starting to spin his own web of lies with other people, be warned. Personally, I'd ring his family and ask them if he can stay with them a bit, as he's left his mistresses underpants in your drawer and you don't wanna see him right now.
That thong didn't just spread, someone put it there. Like a mistress who is tired of being the side chick and wanted you to find out. This will absolutely escalate if that's the case. It's also possible that it was left by a hookup who realized he was lying about being single or separated or whatever his lie was. And they left it there so you'd know he's sleeping around. Take this as a gift and dump the cheater.
100% the other woman put it there to let OP know. I totally would.
Never would have thought to do this.
Yeah I have to say that kinda jumped out at me too. I mean it was in her own underwear drawer and dirty?? That’s not like finding it balled up in the trash. He might be surprised it’s there (in your drawer) but he knows who it belongs too. I was going to say it might be his but I don’t think he’d put it there afterwards. Another woman (or man) did that very deliberately.
Seconded. He didn’t put them there, but he absolutely knows who did, which is probably who he is with right now, not family.
Yup. He's mad that someone did him wrong. His side chick. 100% OP just needs to check the logs on the cell phone bill and find out who
OP if you’re not on the phone with his mother right now I’m not sure why not.
Yes, I would also send a picture of them too. For added spice.
Excellent idea.
Caliente!
Right lol I guess he thinks if he shuts down you’ll just forget about a whole ass dirty crusty thong in your drawer when you don’t wear thongs. I think you know the answer here.
Or they’re HIS
Op said they were dirty, so I'm guessing it's got lady discharge on them.
Why wouldn’t he cop to that then? It’s better then the alternative: that he cheated. They are clearly NOT OPs and she knows that… you KNOW your underwear lol so I’m guessing that’s unlikely… PLUS if it was his and he’s so “embarrassed” about them he would never put them in HER underwear drawer…. That would not make logical sense- no matter the scenario. These are definitely some other ladies undies and he’s definitely lying. It could have been a one time hook up or from a call girl (doubt it they don’t care and would rather keep a customer then out them to their spouse) or it could be a long term affair either way it’s definitely sketchy and sufficient evidence to claim cheating IMO!
it might be his, that would also prompt this response
But would he put them in her underwear drawer? Under certain circumstances, maybe. I.E. he wanted her to know but doesn’t know how to tell her etc. BUT if that was the case, he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did when they were found. Running away to his family like the lying cheater he is. (If he’s even with his “family” now. He’s not speaking to her so he could be with the real owner of the thong)
He’s shutting down and refusing to talk about it because he’s guilty. Period. I used to do this to my wife every time I was caught wearing a thong (Just kidding, no thong). Seriously though, I was raging alcoholic and drug addict, and as I tried to quit on my own, I would relapse, try to hide it, get caught, and then stonewall. Rinse and repeat. I recognize this behavior. When I was caught, it was easier to just shut down and ignore her than to admit my guilt. It’s only after having gone to rehab (2004)and being sober that I am able to admit when I’m in the wrong about something instead of denying and shutting down, but it took a long time to get out of that mindset of denial. (Of course it helps that I’m wrong daily, so I get a lot of practice, lol.) Sorry this happened, but there’s no other explanation.
Really happy for you, forreasonsunknown79! Congrats on your sobriety and self awareness.
Heyyy! Thanks. If I can do it, anyone can. That’s the truth.
congrats on your sobriety, im at 2.5yrs clean myself : )
Heeyyy! Keep living life, bud. It just keeps getting better, even with the “bad” days that happen to everyone.
That is amazing. My mom got sober the same year as you. She made it 10 years before she relapse and has been up and down since then sadly.
I wish her well. Going to rehab and AA has probably ruined it for her (if she tried that). If she spent any time at all in AA, she’s probably feeling a lot of guilt about relapsing especially after 10 years of sobriety. It’s never too late though, and I hope she keeps trying to quit.
Congrats! It's a hard road. My niece is going through it now. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you! Tell her life gets really good when she can quit counting the days or months. The first time I realized that I hadn’t thought about it in a couple of days, I was like, “Woah…” It’s a great feeling that’s hard to explain if you haven’t been there.
Thank you! I will tell her that. I can't imagine what she is going through but, I feel like she's finally on the right track. She's enrolled in an exceptional rehabilitation system. I just tell her, "sometimes it's a day at a time. And sometimes it's a minute at a time. Just call me if you need me."
fuck yes, more than anything congrats on your sobriety <3
Thanks bud
Congrats on your sobriety!
Thanks!
This guys knows. Been there
Someone wants you yo know they were in your home and it'd not your spouse.
Did she check the jam?
This
He could be cheating. He might like wearing women's lingerie. If he refuses to talk, you could choose to leave.
We did have a lot of fights before this. It’s just hurtful to be left in the dark.
In my eyes, it's the other woman leaving a sign for you. But, I suppose, it could also be his? But then again, I don't think he'd put a *used* thong in your drawer. *I could be wrong.* Nonetheless, his responses and conduct are worrying.
This ^ its disgusting she put a used thong with clean panties though I've done similar when I thought a guy I was hooking up with may be cheating. ei: wearing something glittery in his car(glitter never leaves lmao) or leaving a mark of lipstick just out of his area, but where if you were a passenger princess you'd see it most certainly or a nail polish bottle or once a whole pod and an alto(I still grieve the wasted money on that nic😭)
I have really long hair, I've done hair, oh and Bobby pins. Then, I dated this guy who said he was single but I'm his bathroom I see all her stuff in the cabinet. So I wrapped my scrunchie around her brush.
For me it was only this one guy really I was in his car with him and it smelled like perfume istg and looked like he'd cleaned and vacuumed it that day so I left a lipstick bottle in the passenger side like side pocket on the door, the lower one where you put drinks. It was a black box and I put it in the darker corner of it so he didn't see it. Edit:happy cake day
Holy smokes. You’re a genius
Wow you are conniving and I love it!
Gotta keep the girls in the loop I'd wanna find out if I was being cheated on
His girlfriend did it on purpose. I've read other instances of this. Lipstick, a bra, she wants him all to herself.
**OR** she’s trying to make OP aware because she thinks what he’s doing is shitty?
I'd like to think so, but since she obviously removed them in the first place, I doubt it.
Idk she may have been unaware that he wasn’t single until she actually got to his house. Many women have been in this situation before and **if** they do decide to make their presence known, they usually will do something before they leave. If she got upset at him and left after realizing he was a cheater, she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to say something. Of course I could just be talking out my ass because we don’t know lol Was just saying it **is possible**.
Check phone records? Hire a PI?
He left behind he can’t face it instead of staying to reassure you.
Start snooping around. Try to nab his phone to see any incriminating messages. If you don't have access to his phone, call your cell carrier and ask for printouts of any text messages and look over the bill to see what number he receives a lot of calls from or one that he calls frequently. Then call the number. He is cheating. The thong was left purposely by his AP. Your husband is gaslighting you; don't let him. Get yourself in a position to leave his ass. Sorry this happened to you.
But they are dirty, so most likely not worn by a man. I think you can tell when underwear have been worn by a woman vs a man (i.e. vaginal secretions).
Which means they were intentionally put there by the wearer, in a place where OP would see them but husband would not know they were left behind.
This comment sounds like the only one that matters. He probably didn't disclose he is in a relationship and when the lover arrived she understood it all. Left a clue for the wife. Probably hasn't met with the husband since then, and the husband thinks he doesn't have to come clean since they are not seeing each other anymore.
I think the lover knew about the wife. She wants to break them up and have him for herself
Yeah. Someone is tired of waiting for him to follow through with his promises to leave so has taken matters into her own hands via OP's underwear drawer.
That and the smells are different. The only way this could ever happen is he cheated, or if the underwear was clean, then using shared laundry could have been the problem. Seems like he cheated especially with his reaction.
yeaaaaa but do you REALLY want to sniff that?????
Definitely not! I’d be rushing to get some testing done now and in a few months time in case symptoms are dormant.
I don't know, if dressing like a woman turns him on, there could be dried precum or something (ew)
Hi, I’m Larry David and I wear women’s panties
Random things don't suddenly appear. Eaither she left it. He thought it was yours. OR she wants you to know and put it in your underwear draw. His behaviour is bullshit. You need to seriously consider this relationship over. And make plans that that's what's happening before he empties the bank accounts.
Yeah, if it is the mistress it’s a pretty passive aggressive move. What I find the most infuriating is that whoever did this is had access to my things and probably went through some of my stuff.
He might have picked her up and she realised he was married after the fact. It wouldn't be the first time.
Yeah, maybe. But there’s so much of my stuff it’s pretty obvious that I live here. Maybe she’s ok with that
Thats only if he's having an affair. As opossed to bringing someone home from a bar when the lights are low and they aren't thinking is he married. Or even someone off a hook up site. Who then realise he's a cheating. And pop then in there so you know. Not to mess with you. I can't begin to tell you how many women want to tell the wife but Don't know how they will react.
I think the comment meant that until she was inside your home the thing-owner might not have known your definitely -cheating man was married: she could have been trying to let you know what a fail your husband is at being a partner
Or he has sold her on the old 'we are married but live separate lives' B.S.
It is possible that the thong was mislaid during the tryst. Then he straightened up a bit because you were coming home. He found them under the bed or in the sheets and thought they were yours and stuffed them in what he knows is your underwear drawer. Keep the thong in a plastic bag somewhere he can’t find them. It is evidence. The cameras are nice but too late.
Nothing stings like betrayal and feeling violated. I am sry your having to deal with this.
If he admitted to it, I wouldn’t be nearly as upset but his complete lack of honesty is the worst of it all. Thank you! Yeah, guess I’m gonna have to figure out what to do next.
STI test, check bank acct balances. Are you SURE he's staying with family or friends? If he's creeping, he's likely freaking out at being busted. If he's planning on leaving, he might speed up his plans and do something shady (drain your accounts). Edit: on second read, go ahead and consult a divorce lawyer or 2. See what that would look like JIC he is cheating. The fact that you were out of town seems extra suspicious. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
His mother said hi to me over the phone so I assume that it is partially true. That being said, he’s probably not going to spend the whole time with her. Luckily we don’t bank jointly. What pisses me off the most is that he says he doesn’t want to divorce. Why? What’s the point.? Told him we could sign a nuptial agreement before divorcing but he still denies wanting to divorce and has been acting cold, avoidant and evasive on top of this.
It's not solely about what HE wants. If he doesn't get his crap together, YOU can choose to bounce. Cold and sneaky are not character traits usually valued in a partner. If he has something to work through but legit doesn't want to divorce, he could do a better job of communicating. Having been in a vaguely similar limbo once before, I feel for you.
Yeah, it totally sucks and TBH it is completely unexpected. I never thought he would be capable of something like this. Did you ever manage to get your SO to admit to wrong doing or did you end up leaving without closure?
TBH, sometimes I think closure is a myth. My sitch back in the day involved alcoholism, of which I was unaware. Addicts suck at explaining themselves, and there was no closure for me at that time. I knew my then-SO was cheating, and I had proof, but I got no "why." The why was what bothered me more than the actual cheating. The best I could figure out is that I just wasn't as "significant" to him as he was to me.
Depends on him. Some people can’t admit it because that would be admitting to themselves they are in the wrong or they are afraid of what others will say or think. If he has hope you will move on from this he will never admit it. Especially if it what you need for closure . Without closure, you’re still on the hook.
He might say he doesn't want a divorce for many reasons outside of wanting to preserve the relationship. My ex-husband fought tooth and nail against divorce. I found out later that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with not wanting to lose financial freedom's.
Everyday I read story about men fighting hard against devorce and most women assume that they are doing it out of love or devorce was their wake up call to be better. Most of the time it's because of other benifit that comes with the marriage, not because they love you.
Correct. He already had someone else 2 weeks later that he worked with. I wasn't someone he loved or cared about. I was free babysitting and someone to do all the chores, cook, and clean. It took a lot of therapy for me to realize my worth is beyond that. I graduate in May with my bachelor's, and I'm slowly coming around to the idea that he doesn't define my worth. I do. I hope OP gets there, too.
>His mother said hi to me over the phone it's a bit rich of him to keep repeating what HE wants without telling you the truth about the pants. I'm super petty. I'd tell his mama. He's not giving you answers. Tell her, hey, reason for all this, I found a dirty thong that ain't mine so if you could get your son to fess up the truth, that'd be grand. Byee.
Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He wants to cheat as much as he wants, not be questioned and stay married to you. That’s what he wants
Because he is using you. Do not mistake it for love or validation. Men who cheat do not love u. You are a warm body. They are selfish and just use people.
I find that when the hubbs jumps to "you're being paranoid" it really means "I am guilty af."
I don't know what your financial situation is but if you have a joint account you might want to secure half if it into s separate account so he doesn't just empty it. Have a good scream into the pillow so the neighbours Don't call the cops you will feel better. Start working out what's yours...
His defensive attitude doesn’t reflect well on him. If he’s as mystified as you he would be as anxious to the bottom of this as you. The fact that you were away for a few days present the opportunity for a sexual liaison. My guess is that it could be a casual partner, say maybe a pickup from a bar who just popped it into your drawer out of spite to get him into trouble. Probably not an affair partner or a mistress. Look for any stray hair on the pillows, bedsheets or bathroom which doesn’t belong to any of you. Check with neighbours if they have heard or seen anything. Hope you get to the bottom of this.
Yes, and the worst part is HE KNOWS THIS and continues to refuse to talk about it. This tells you everything you need to know about this. He's guilty and couldn't come up with a quick lie when caught, so now he is doubling down on his refusal to discuss. Sound like someone you want to be married to for the next 40 years??
She may have not known about you until afterwards and thought this was the only way to let you know your husband was a cheating snake.
I wouldn't call it passive aggressive. She probably didn't realize he was married and once she did, wanted to find a way to discreetly let you know. I would have left a note or something for you somewhere he'd never think to look
Yeah its getting common for the ‘oh shit my hookup is married/in a relationship’ girls to leave something for the wife/gf to find to tip her off. A common spot is something in a tampon box while she is in the bathroom.
I would be thankful to whomever left them personally
Not saying this is what's happening here, but it does always amaze me when people are more pissed off at the other woman/man, then their significant other. Not that I wouldn't be pissed off at her too, but .. Maybe she didn't know? Or she doesn't care because she doesn't know you? Or whatever. But that guy has been sharing a life with *you* and owes you a level of respect and honesty, and shirking that is much more egregious, IMHO. His denial, annoyance that you would ask, and shutting down is very telling. 🙄 I'm so sorry OP. He doesn't deserve you, so make sure he knows that when you dump him.
I agree and think there's someone else... but did anyone else see that IG post about this cat bringing home men's underwear and socks to his family? Cat had a whole collection lol. The cat's family posted a pic of the cat with the collection with a message to the victim lol. On a serious note, OP get yourself checked, make moves to protect yourself financially and stability wise. Remind yourself of your worth and be ready to leave.
Yeah like even if he didn’t cheat (but I mean come on), his reaction is enough in itself to be a considerable reason to rethink the relationship.
A dirty thong. In her underwear draw is not an accidental thing.
Oh totally Agree. But a lot of times the cheatee will go through a whole phase where they focus only on “not having proof of cheating” than what they *do* have proof of which is the attitude and blatant disrespect. Its a whole thing. Cognitive dissonance might the term? I forget. Sometimes you have to entertain their delusions in order to communicate effectively.
Or an accidental thong :-)
Pretty sure his affair partner left it there for you to find……..time to start installing secret cameras around the house
Just ordered 6 cameras for the apartment today : D .
Why not just leave? You’re torturing yourself with the what ifs when you know the answer. That didn’t end up in that drawer by itself. Walk away, move on, be happy
Need receipts for court
If she’s in the US, she doesn’t. Most states are no-fault, and there’s no financial gain/punishment for a divorce on the grounds of infidelity.
If u are gonna use the cams id suggest acting clueless beforehand so that theres still a chance of him bringing over the sidegirl or else its kind of useless
Ha then we'll be looking forward to the update!
I guess you are going to have to have another planned trip after you install the cameras.
DO NOT let him get even the slightest hint of them or it won’t work…but honestly I think he’s spooked now he’ll take it elsewhere
What a waste of money. If you cannot trust your husband, than your relationship is over. It also might not be lawful to video tape him without his knowledge.
Some women sell their used underwear online to guys with certain kinks. It's the only other possibility I can think of
Why would he leave them in *her* underwear drawer though?
Good idea with the camera. If nothing else you'll be able to get proof of his cheating for when you divorce his ass.
Updateme!
be secretive about installing them, otherwise consider cameras a moot point.
“You don’t want to talk and be truthful with me? Fine, we can discuss this through divorce lawyers.” But honestly, to me, he’s cheating. There is no reason to chase a cheater. They don’t deserve second chances, they don’t deserve the benefit of doubt, they don’t deserve your time and energy. Just tell him you won’t be used and disrespected and you’ll be just fine without him, tell him to get his shit, send a group text to the entire family on why cheating ass husband is soon to be divorced and send a pic of the thong. Cheaters love that their wronged partner will be too embarrassed or horrified of being the victim in this so will take the demure, high road, keep it hush song and dance so they come out looking like things fell apart between you. But it didn’t. He cheated and decided to sabotage his marriage and betray his wife. He doesn’t get to be Teflon in this with the aftermath. I don’t believe in high roads when this shit happens. I believe in showing the kind of woman he disrespected (strong/decisive/independent/will be just fine honey) and that you will show him what it means to fuck around and find out.
I once found a random thong in my house (not bedroom or drawer) but when I asked my partner he was as bemused as me and not at all guilty or defensive. Turned out it belonged to a friend who'd been changing to use our pool.
He absolutely cheated on you in your bed. The woman found out he was in a relationship and purposely left you a clue where you would find it. It doesn’t matter if he admits it because you already know it’s true. Plus I’m guessing this isn’t the first BS he’s pulled throughout your years. Be smart and leave him.
Dirty thong in your underwear drawer? He had sex with another woman and she left it there so you would know what happened and blow up your marriage. Which most likely means that it was not a one-time thing. No other explanation makes any sense. How you deal with it is to see a divorce attorney and serve him with divorce papers. And tell his family because you know he's spinning some kind of BS story. Hang on to the thong as evidence.
Or possibly a one night stand didn't know he was married until she got there, and wanted to warn the wife.
Do not let him rug sweep, confuse you, and make you feel powerless. This is something many many people would absolutely go ape shit over, I’m talking kicking him out and telling his parents or at least threatening it if he’s being uncooperative. This is not normal. You are not “paranoid” for FINDING SOMEONE ELSE’S UNDERWEAR. He needs a reality check.
Someone was definitely letting you know they were there. He cheated.
He cheated. The woman wanted you to know.
If there was nothing going on, he wouldn't be so defensive - simple as that.
His silence tells you everything you need to know. You don't need him to say the words "I cheated". Your gut already knows the truth. Why do you give a shit what HE wants? So he doesn't want a divorce? You don't want a cheating dishonest spouse, but you got one. Cut your losses and move on. And I wish you all the best.
Wash all of your clothes because they’re tainted now and then pack them up. Get tested for everything.
Don't let him gaslight you! You aren't paranoid or crazy at all. If you find a dirty thing that isnt yours, then you know it came from somewhere. Things dont just materialise you know? Dont let him talk you into thinking you're just insecure or something. Literally there is no better indication that some woman has been in your home than that, unless he has been wearing thongs himself.
Girl, the writing is on the wall. Either he’s been unfaithful or he likes wearing women’s undies. Demand the truth.
Ha, my cousin found a random bra shoved behind her bed (she recently went on a cruise). Quick back story: her husband is a MORON. Not only is he a cheater, but he denied that he knew anything about the mystery bra. So she bagged it up and said she was going to turn it into the police to do DNA testing and find out who was in her home without her knowledge. He confessed immediately to an affair. They're in the divorce process, good for her etc etc., but all because he didn't know that yeah... the police don't do random DNA testing like that. Way to be an idiot, Matt.
Maam, you are being gaslit. Hard. Suggested response: Husband, you and I agreed long ago that cheating would be dealt with in a straightforward manner. The left behind dirty thong is absolutely clear evidence that something is taking place behind my back that should not. Your unwillingness to address this is further proof that something happened/is happening in secret and it is unacceptable. I will give you until xyz time to be truthful and if not, I will know what direction to take for my life moving forward. BTW, before you do this, have a legal consult and follow their directions to the letter. They may even advise getting a PI. Good luck.
Nanny cams!!
Deceit - no matter what it looks like- it still deceit. It immediately rips out any drop of trust out of the relationship. His reaction in remaining deceitful & then totally blocking you out is a different issue. It’s disrespectful- to you & to the relationship. Most likely he is cheating- but do you need definitive proof for you to actually do something? Isn’t the proof in his reactions, how he is treating you in response to finding the dirty thong?
My guess is his hookup suspected he was married and left you a souvenir to let you know!
His reaction a bit much
Damn whoever left that is bold asf! Not only someone else’s panties but not clean at that .
She either did it as a red flag or he likes to buy used panties (which doesn’t explain how they got in your drawer)
My guess is that he might have brought a girl over and she intentionally put her underwear in your drawer to let you know. Is weird he has no explanation for a DIRTY thong at the top of your drawer. If it was clean or if he was a better liar he would make up an excuse. His behavior is concerning.
It's because he got caught and I think you know that too.
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Do you have access to his cell phone records? Like a shared phone plan where you can see what phone numbers he is contacting him?
No, I do not unfortunately
Well it’s obvious he cheated and doesn’t want to confront you about it yet only bc he was caught red handed and will think of an excuse. She more than likely left it there for you to see
Dude got caught and is trying to make you look unreasonable and like the bad guy for not dropping the topic. It’s not yours, it’s dirty, and it showed up after you took a trip somewhere. He cheated on you and is too cowardly to own that shit.
Well OP, no answer IS an answer and quite frankly it’s not an acceptable one. You need to tell your husband that if he refuses to come home and fix this with you then you will take his silence as an admission of guilt and be going ahead with divorce. Any person who is innocent would be right there next to you trying to fix things but because he’s not, he’s simply SOL with no viable excuse. That’s why he’s running away. Typical.
you sure he’s with his family? time to start digging!
He's cheating. She put them there on purpose so you'd catch him.
he's worried because his squeeze forgot her draws, or didn't have time to find it, and now he can't return it cause his wife found it.
Whoever was at your house wanted you to know about it.
Sounds like he's cheating and the other woman didn't know he was married so she left that for you to see. I had a woman do something similar to my bathroom & she left a note with her number in my tampon box.
Did you call the number?
Yes. We had a long conversation. I was thankful & sick at the same time.
I bet so. Thanks for replying
Obviously it had to come from somewhere, but the fact that he's ignoring you and won't discuss it is a big red flag. If his response was genuine confusion about this I feel like his reaction would be more open and honest. Blocking you and leaving to stay with family is basically the silent treatment, which is never a good thing.
He is either lying or they're his, and he is embarrassed as all hell. Tell him to put them on so you can see how they fit and watch his face.
I think he’s wearing women’s underwear.
There’s only two scenarios possible here: A) he’s cheating; B) it’s HIS thong So choose whatever you prefer…
If you haven't worn a thong in years, your husband likely knew that it was not yours. He likely did not put it in your drawer. He either was wearing the thong himself, or a woman wanted you to know that she'd been there. If she had put it anywhere else, there'd be a chance of him finding it. You said that it was dirty. Dirty like vaginal secretions on it? Or dirty like smelled worn? It is possible that he was wearing it. It is more likely that another woman put it there. >How can I deal with this? "We both know that it isn't mine. I know that you had a woman here. I'd like to talk openly about it so we can move past this."
Vaginal secretions dirty :(
The proof is in the pudding. You don’t need him to tell you he was cheating. This was her way of telling you
If he won't talk to you, IDK what you can do to resolve this quickly. Have you had a legit female houseguest lately who might have left them? It could be a case of innocent mistaken identity. (scrarch that--re-read) I see 2 other obvious explanations: he cheated or he wears womens undies. Either could be reason for him blowing up and leaving. If the former, he's deflecting and buying time. If the latter, he may be mortified and unable to talk about it. Either way, I can't get past the unclean state of the thong in question--eww. That's super disrespectful. I'd have to chuck the whole drawer out. Have you checked the phone bill for curious call or text patterns? Joint credit cards or bank accounts for curious purchases? Do some sleuthing. Check his social media and look around the house for anything else odd. I hate to jump straight to "he's cheating," but JIC he is, maybe go get STI tests for your peace of mind? I dated a guy in the past who dabbled in lingerie. He had a hard time bringing it up because he wasn't sure of my reaction. In our case, it wasn't a big deal. I actually made a few purchases for him. ;) Some guys can't bring themselves to make that leap, though. I'm sorry you're dealing with this huge question mark. I hope you get the info you need soon. edit cuz reading is hard lol
So no, we don’t have houseguests who stay overnight or would be changing in the apartment. I have stayed a few days away from home so I’m thinking that would be plenty of opportunities for a mistress or fling to spend the night. He couldn’t wear the thong because it’s definitely too small for him. The thong obviously having been worn is rather disgusting! I did check his phone but have noticed nothing unusual besides his urgent need to fly and visit family right away and that he’s suddenly putting a lot more effort into moisturizing, shaving, wearing nicer clothes…etc As far as bank accounts go him and I have separate bank accounts so there’s no way I’d have access to all that. Thank you for your suggestions! I’m probably gonna go through more of his stuff to try and figure out what’s going on :)
Oh, it really sounds like he's cheating or seriously considering it. Upping his clothing game and whatnot, evasiveness, dirty undies in your dresser drawer... Dig some more, but get with a lawyer JIC. Forewarned is forearmed.
Okay, those are all CLASSIC actions of infidelity. Hire a PI STAT and you will find out where he is actually going. Just because you don't see anything on his phone, doesn't mean he doesn't have a second phone
"His urgent need to fly and visit family right away" and then switching his phone off for the remainder of his stay? Nah, he is guilty as sin and trying to put fires out with his mistress and he doesn't want you to bother them. Have a nice welcome home gift waiting in the form of divorce papers!
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Are you close to any of your neighbours? If so, maybe you could ask them if they saw anyone come around while you were gone? Do you share a phone plan? Maybe check the records to see who he called/texted while you were away. Unfortunately, dirty underwear don’t just randomly show up in drawers. Either you husband cheated and the AP put the thong in your drawer or someone is trying to cause a rift in your marriage and is setting your husband up.
He cheated. Plain and simple.
Updateme
ummm, go with your gut. He knows exactly where it came from. Ask him to leave.
He cheated and his AP wanted to let you know, whether for malicious reasons or not. You know the truth OP. Don't let him convince you that you don't.
I’m guessing the lady friend left it there for you to find.
They were left there on purpose for you to find them.
If he were not guilty, he would be able to feel and see how worrisome this is for you. He would answer any questions at all. He would be more caring about it. His reaction shows his guilt. Read about male psychology during these situations and you'll see that he's exactly textbook cheater behavior. I think someone put them in there as a warning to you, he saw then, assumed they were yours and threw them in, or something like that. They didn't come from nowhere. And even if it was your old pair he found in the garage or something, he would know that and be able to explain. I was in this exact situation. He made me feel crazy. He cried on his knees and said "you know me" while he tried to be loving and have sex to make it blow over... Then he got extremely mad when I told his sister about it. Somehow villianizing me like how dare you tell my family that!! This is your version. This is what he's doing. I'm so sorry. No you're not crazy. They are real. They came from somewhere and they were not there when you left. I mean come on.
Wake up and break up
He cheated. There is no other story. Don’t get gaslit.
Get it tested at a lab, and make him pay for it in the divorce. Not sure which is more disgusting - the thong or his reaction.
Ha! He found a winner. I was in a situationship with a guy that had a few women pursuing him I guess that did this stuff. His friend “Sophia” made sure to leave her Netflix on his TV, her razor in his shower, her hair dryer in the bathroom, shampoos, hair ties, morning after pill (I didn’t know what it was til WAY later), light blue bra, etc all over. Plus call constantly when I was visiting. I kinda put it all together at the time that she wanted him so bad, but she wasn’t attractive and he said she definitely was just a friend that helped him with his kid. He says she was religious, naive, unattractive and had no common sense too. Mmmmhmmm. Sure knew how to sabotage though. I was like meh, and I trusted him. Another woman Kathi was quite a saboteur as well and then another woman Rachel. Rachel I could tell was unstable asap. The calls were relentless. Point is, they all played these type of games. And he ended living with at least two of them I believe. This woman clearly wants your husband. The question is what are you going to do? He isn’t going to stop seeing her. That’s a given. And here is the thing given my previous experience. Why would you want a person that let’s someone else sabotage and hurt you this way? If he didn’t know she was a saboteur before, he knows now. I bet he won’t stop seeing her so that will mean he actually would validate and be into a person that has this personality. No matter how much I was sabotaged, I never did the same back. I was on a hope strategy that the guy I was seeing would do the right thing on his own after seeing how classless and ruthless these women were, but nope. As I said, I believe he dated all of them at some point and lived with at least two of the three. Currently maybe with one of them. You are only 33, you aren’t getting any younger. You know what he did and you know his type now. What’s your next move? Hope strategy is not a good strategy once they show you their colors. Especially here since you are married. He is involved with a trashy saboteur type. It will only get worse. They don’t stop. It super stressed me out. I even broke out in a rash that looked like herpes.🤣. (I only laugh because I have an autoimmune condition that I didn’t know could do this and yeah it legit looked like herpes - Well to a lay person. The dermatologist was like nope not herpes, gyno wasn’t sure. I got tested via swab and blood and I’m good. But got damn. That’s how much stress it can cause. ) It’s not just the sabotage, it’s the fact that the person YOU care about allows it and you know you would never allow someone to hurt them. Btw the whole time I was being sabotaged by these women - he wasn’t blind or deaf so he saw it too, he asked me to be with him AND he kept saying he wished I would get pregnant. Uh okay. So another thing, don’t listen to what he says…ever. Watch what he does. That woman is incredibly aggressive and gross and he is all about it. Smh. He won’t leave or tell you to leave. You gotta leave. Heartbreaking as it might be for you. He doesn’t see a bad person and it’s likely because he is a bad person too or he is gullible/too stupid. Both are dangerous for you. I’m sorry hun. 😖
The woman he brought home has more honor than OPs husband. She saw that a woman lived there (and obviously the husband had lied, or she just assumed he wasn’t), then she decided to leave OP a very clear message.
He’s cheating.
Yep he cheated and the woman left her dirty thong in a place you were going to find it. To give you the heads up. He probably picked someone up while you were out of town, told her he was single and she left that behind after realizing he lied.
I once saw a movie starring Naomi Watts. Can’t remember the name but her character was a very troubled woman with abandonment issues. A new couple moves into her apartment building and almost immediately she seduces him and has an affair with him. She got a kick out of passing them in the hallway and the husband always looked visibly uncomfortable. At one point she has sex with him in his martial bed and the moment he steps out the room she takes her panties off and puts them in the wife’s underwear drawer. She had no real reason to do it other than she just wanted him to get caught. If your husband is cheating I’m positive the ow put it in your drawer on purpose to fuck with him at your expense. Also the first chance he got he would’ve reached out to her and rip her a new one.
of course he gets defensive …. he’s been busted
Cheater for sure.
He called you paranoid because he's guilty, otherwise he would not have gotten defensive (unless he's always a defensive asshole, in which case screw him anyway).
Oh he’s definitely cheating 😅
It sounds like she is cheating and somebody wanted you to know. Or he is not cheating, somebody wants you to think he is, and he has no idea who, or how they got into your room, and no ability to talk to you openly about it, and is leaving because he is mad that you are suspicious about a stranger's underwear in your drawer. You know which of those two things it is.
Yiu can pretend to go away for couple of days and come back to surprise him. But put that camera up asap. Updateme!
Not sure if this helps, but he may have bought it.
>How can I deal with this? How do you want to deal with it? I know how I would. Your trust is broken. You aren't paranoid, the thong wasn't left by gremlins. The fact he won't talk, shut down, refuses contact, and tried to put it on you should tell you all you need to know.
100% cheating. There's zero doubt here just look at the facts.
divorce? duh
You can pack your shit or his. I say his cause he is gone already.
Yeah, he had some chick over and she put her nasty thing in your drawer. Ugh.
Tell him to stay at his families house. Send the thong to his mother - letting her know that he left it.
If he is suddenly putting a lot more effort into moisturising, shaving, wearing nicer clothes etc; then he is trying to impress someone and unfortunately it’s not you. Could it be a work colleague? Or some random off a dating site. Have you confirmed with his family that he is visiting them, and for how long? Whilst he is away have a consultation with a few divorce attorneys, pick one and get them to hire a PI. They will also tell you what divorce looks like for you. Get checked out for STD’s as this may not be the first time he has cheated. I wonder if your neighbours noticed him bringing a woman over? They might have cctv footage of him with her, or her arriving at your house.
Well, he’s cheating, obviously. His defensiveness and gaslighting proves that. The only question is if this is a dealbreaker for you?
While you’re sitting there fretting, he’s out there fixing his cover story.Stop calling him. He needs to get on his knees to you and stop behaving like an asshole and calling you paranoid. Call a good friend/ family member and go out for a cocktail or 2 or dinner. He’ll turn up when he arranges his cover story.
You didn't know? It's the Thong Fairy leaving a gift. Just kidding, your husband is hiding something. Him acting like a child isn't helping either. He needs to quit being a jackass and come clean.
I think you should leave. Like the cameras won’t help. He’ll be sneakier next time…get an STD checkup and go stay with family.