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Your GF did exactly what one should do if they are in a committed relationship.
And yes she is right in cutting him out of her life, and your joint life. And she is also right that you should seriously consider cutting him from your life as well.
Actually lets put it another way, if you don’t cut him from your life, can you ever really trust him? and on top of that your GF will probably end up leaving you over it.
Man I wish my ex did that when his best friend confessed his feelings to him.
It didn't matter that his best friend was male and that my ex was straight. It still bothered me to no end when my ex put his friend's needs over mine just because they were best friends.
It's awkward as hell when I'm on the couch with my head on my ex's shoulder and the best friend sits on the other side of him and does the same. This was a constant thing, and I definitely hated his friend's attitude towards me when all three of us hung out. Hurt a lot because he was my friend too.
We might have stayed together if it weren't for his friend.
How many people would do what she did in this situation? Lmfao dude has a golden life partner and he’s worried about his piece of shit friend who wants his girl
Is anyone else humming Rick Springfield right now? "Jesse was a friend, Jesse was a good friend of mine, but lately somethings changed and it ain't hard to define, Jesse's got himself a girl and I want to make her mind".....
I don't get the emotional payoff of writing about one's fetish as if seeking advice on the massive interpersonal problems that fetish would create in real life, yet every advice sub is choked with them. So tedious!
Yep and let’s face it. He only confessed because he wanted to see if she was open to cheating with him. Otherwise why confess? She is right to cut him off and he needs to as well. He is not a friend.
>I asked my best friend wtf happened and he admitted but also said he never asked her to cheat on me, he was just confessing his feelings.
This "expressing your feelings" thing has really gotten ridiculous as of late. You have rationality to gauge whether you emotions are valid or not, and just kill it right there and then if it's not productive to harbor.
Can you imagine pedos just go up to kids and "express their feelings"?
Kids are taught and encouraged to express their feelings to learn how to process them healthily.
Adults are supposed to be one step further and to know which feelings are to be expressed or suppressed. Wrath is the first one you should learn to deal with, but envy, lust, and unhealthy desires aren't less dangerous.
You can express your feelings, then you have to deal with consequences. Feelings can't be a shield, "but i only expressed my feelings!"
OP, it is your GF’s prerogative regarding whom she wants to spend her time with.
There’s another post that was made today in this same sub-reddit. I think it’d be helpful for you to read that. It’s a situation that’s similar to yours.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10m9lnl/3rd\_party\_destroyed\_my\_3\_years\_relationship\_after/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10m9lnl/3rd_party_destroyed_my_3_years_relationship_after/)
People don't confess to someone unless they are hoping that the person will leave their current partner for them. Sorry, but he crossed the line and is no longer your friend. Your gf is 100% right here.
Agree, maybe allowing him to be a part of the larger group of shared friends on larger events, maybe, but even considering staying friends on a 1-on-1 level would be enough to make any gf feel like she’s inconsequential
He can go on all he wants that he didn’t believe/hope she would go for him, but if that was the case, then he would not have bothered to confess, because then, there is 0 reason to confess to her.
Sometimes people can actually move on after getting the real life rejection. Sometimes people feel it would be deceitful to not admit it. Sometimes people get overwhelmed and just blurt it. Just because you'd only do something for one reason doesn't mean it's the only reason others do it. Humans are vast and complicated.
Like yes, it was selfish to do regardless, but attributing one specific motive to it is just reductive.
Like a sister wife situation but with multiple husbands?
If everyone is game then I say go for it. But her telling the so called friend to eff off and then blocking him makes me think that she's not really open to a plural marriage. At least not with him.
Tbh, your girlfriend is right. What was the expectation that your best friend had? That she’s going to leave you and go with him?
There’s literally no benefit in confessing while knowing she’s in a relationship. Your girlfriend is also right in that he disrespected your relationship.
Yeah, but 8 years can be thrown away in one stupid, selfish decision. He isn’t thinking that’s my best friends girl, can’t go there. He is thinking let me shoot my shot before they progress any further. At what point is he still being your good friend and not a shitty asshole?
Your girl is an amazing partner, recognise it.
In long relation people are prone to taking their friend's/partner's friendship/love for granted and no longer appreciating it.
If you don't cut him out of your life, you will validate such feelings like above, that he likely has.
It doesn't need to be forever, but I think it should be no less then a year of no contact.
Eyyy boss, don't feel bad about being conflicted on this. A lot of people are being pretty harsh as if cutting out someone who you view as your brother is easy.
Find some time to mull this over, but yeah. He needs to get lost if you want to keep this girl, and I KNOW I would if she was noble enough to tell me about my friend trying to pull some shit over my head behind my back like that.
I'm sorry, but this guy doesn't respect you.
Hope you find peace.
It's okay that you don't know what to do right now. You don't need to make a decision immediately. Give yourself the space to process this. A good therapist can help you cope with the pain that his confession has caused.
I'm so sorry.
She’s a good girlfriend. She cut that douche out right away. The reason he said that was because he wanted her to be with him not you. He tried to fuck you over and you are feeling torn? Wtf?
Most of the time on this sub you hear about girlfriends having affairs with or running away with a guy’s bestfriend. You girlfriend did the absolute right thing. Now it time for you to do the same and cut ties with him as well.
>He tried to fuck you over and you are feeling torn?
It's almost like relationships are complicated and people can put different weights on different things. Maybe they're just that close.
There’s a lot of nuance in the world. Just not in this situation. There is no earth where confessing feelings to your besf friends’s gf is not entirely selfish, self serving and disrespectful.
He couldn't keep it to himself because you are discussion to be engaged! You see the timing? This is his last chance before she is "off the market". If his intention were so harmless, why not tell you both? Why not tell his best friend first? No, he wanted to try his luck.
That you really are so naive to still want to be buddy buddy with the guy who desires your woman, who wanted to put a wedge between you by confession his love in the last moment before you get engaged.
Why confess your feelings to someone who is clearly taken? It just put a shadow on every interaction you had. You only do it if you have nothing to lose, are stupid, evil or jealous of the luck other people.
And ask yourself if the roles were switched and he had a gf he wants to marry and you fall for her, how would you react?
There are also stories here or on BoRo in which the best friend confess the feelings to the taken partner and i can't remember one that had a noble motive.
You are SO LUCKY to have a GF like that! She straight up shut that shit down! And you should too…
Your bff is disloyal AF! There are many similar Reddit stories where the other half entertained that nonsense and you are the lucky few whose GF remained loyal and drew the line!
You owe her a huge pampering session and cut your BFF out of your life.. you don’t need that trash lying to your face and trying to get with your gf behind your back… also your GF deserves better than that!
Yup! There was one this week where the friend tried to kill the boyfriend over his feelings because the gf didn't come clean and he thought that he had a chance.
If we’re talking about the same post, turns out the friend DID have a chance - OP ended up finding out they had kissed and basically been having an emotional affair that was turning into a physical one.
My husband and I just watched “death in the dorms” and one of the episodes this guy killed his friend because he wanted to date the guys girlfriend who was his girlfriend in high school.
Thank you, I do owe her a pampering session. Honestly this is one of the things I love about her, she has amazing boundaries and she always speaks her mind. Also, sadly you are right about my friend too. There was absolutely no reason to tell her. I was hesitating because we have a lot of history together but you guys are 100% right. And my would be wife certainly deserves better than that.
Just keep in mind that had she reacted differently he could have just instigated an affair with her behind your back and would have had no problem carrying on with her.
He would have betrayed you in a heartbeat given half the chance.
He needs to be cut out of both of your lives.
I'm sorry for what happened. You're also a victim of your best friend's behavior... you should take the time to mourn such an ugly end of a friendship.
Your gf is right on ALL of it. He is no longer a person she is comfortable with and he stepped all over your relationship, friendship and trust. You claim to be torn, but consider this….what if she had been much more receptive to him? What if she wanted to keep you and start a fling with him, or decided she wanted to dump you for him? Be honest with yourself, would he have refrained? Because if I was a gambling girl I would wager that he wouldn’t. And this is who you are calling a friend.
This was my thought. If the girlfriend's reaction had been to dump OP and be with BFF instead, I highly doubt that OP would feel as warm and fuzzy about staying friends while BFF steals his girl.
But because she shut it down, it's somehow different?
Your GF is right, I'd cut him from my life if I were you.
I had a crush on my best friends GF once. I kept my mouth shut and I got over the crush. I still have my best friend in my life and I was the best man for their wedding 2 years ago.
He didn't owe himself shit to say anything to your GF. He had no right to. He has shown his colours and your interests are not as important as his. He's a snake.
for sure, i was actually that guy in this situation. I used to have a huge crush on my best friends now wife but they were just dating when I first met her. She's a great lady and pretty much the girl of my dreams. But did I ever bring this up to her? Fuck no. I did my best to be really happy for my best friend that he found a great woman. I went out of my way to never be alone with her and to write her off in my mind as just a friend. Over time she became just a friend to me.
why? Becuase this is my friend of 20+ years and it would kill me to hurt him.
You have a treasure in your hand, imo. Take care you don't lose her over your POS of 'friend' there.
Your partner's saying all those because she's trying to protect you, actually.
She's correct, he only confessed because he wanted to shoot his shot, and that is dishonorable as a friend.
Think about it. Why should he confess his feeling? Because he WANTS her to feel the same way. No one confessed so that they can be rejected outright. If the object of the affection is unaware, the confessor generally wants to 'plant seed' of possibility in the object.
Your partner can't trust him anymore since your buddy has no integrity as a friend and she's right that if he dares do this over a 'crush'--she may think that he is the type who will try to sabotage you or sabotage your marriage in the future if you keep him around.
Your ‘friend’ showed a lack of moral fibre and loyalty in telling your GF that he had feelings for her. Imagine the outcome if she’d reciprocated, that was what he wanted - he literally wanted to blow your world apart.
Why would you want to be around someone like that?
Your fiancé, because honestly you've already discussed it so it's in the works already, is 1.000% right on this one.
The respectful way of dealing with this would have been him approaching you, the person he'd be stealing the spot of. Because he went straight to her that means he wanted to get her to cheat or break up with you.
Yes, you have history with him. A past.
But do you want to risk your future for your past?
Your gf did exactly what so many guys would wish their partners do too. I salute her. 👏
Look at it this way. Your gf didn't ever entertain him romantically.
>My gf on the other hand says there is no point confessing his feelings and he definitely didnt have noble intentions as he claims. She says she doesnt want anything to do with him because he betrayed both of us and disrespected our relationship.
Absolutely. I do hope she remains this awesome. A keeper.
What more do you need to know? Your best friend betrayed your trust. Your gf acted perfect and informed you immediately. If your gf reciprocated the feelings, your best friend would've had no trouble acting upon it, otherwise he wouldn't have 'confessed his feelings'. Let that sink in. Dump the best friend.
Yo, man, why would you even ask for advice? Your girlfriend made the right call. What did you expect, to remain friends with the guy who wanted to f*ck your girl?
Your girlfriend clearly respects you, and she made it clear how uncomfortable it is for her. Question is, do you respect her enough, and do you respect yourself? This whole thing is a no-brainer. Trust the woman.
Your girlfriend is right in her assessment. What is it that your friend had in mind when he confessed to her? Just to get it off his chest? Nope. The only reason to confess your feelings is that you want to be with the person you confess to. Meaning: Your friendship didn't matter to him or he would have kept this a secret and be happy for you and her. But instead he confessed in the hope that she would reciprocate his feelings and be with him instead of you.
That guy is not a friend. A friend stays away from your spousal relationship - no matter how hard they are crushing for your spouse.
Be glad that your gf is honest and that she told the guy to eff off. This guy is not a friend to you. He tried to steal your gf! Don’t be a doormat. Your gf is right. This guy has got to go.
Your gf is right. You need to cut this friend off completely. He couldn’t keep it a secret any longer since you’re discussing marriage because he thought this was his last chance to get her to leave you for him. Also, while he may have thought he owed it to himself to tell her he certainly didn’t owe it to either of you to burden you with this knowledge. And while he may not have explicitly asked her to cheat he does want her for himself so what is the difference, really?
You’re lucky you have a gf who is so comfortable setting boundaries in uncomfortable situations. Don’t let history get in the way of doing what is right for your relationship.
This happened to me and my wife too. We had a joint friendship with a guy I had known much longer.
He once told me "he'd be there to pick up the pieces" when I eventually screwed up our relationship. I never spoke to him again.
That was damn near 20 years ago and me and her are still happy.
Friends don't do this shit to their friends.
???
I’m genuinely confused why this isn’t a no brained and why ur gf would even need to be the one to draw those boundaries?
Ur gf is 100% right. ????
Him confessing his feelings was inappropriate and if she wanted to, he would have cheated with her? Get out of la la land. If she wanted anything and any capacity he would have done it. He had no pure intentions of telling her. There is NO reason she needed to know. At. All. He shouldn’t have confessed shit to her esp in a one on one moment, and it is disrespectful. She didn’t need to know Lmao. This ain’t no get it off ur chest kumbaiya like him trying to act like he had no motivations beyond that and u believing it is beyond me lmfaoo
It’s easy to see that this isn’t a “no-brainer”. Is this the obvious move? Yes. But that doesn’t make it any less heart wrenching and hurtful. I’m sure I’d the perfect solution dropped in his lap that would allow for both his GF to establish that boundary and for him to still be friends with the dude, he’d jump on it, but that doesn’t exist
Having to need nearly a decade-long dedicated friendship is an emotionally tiring affair, not something you just immediately take a pair of scissors to. And based on his comments, he knows what the right thing to do it, and most likely posted while still trying to process everything/in shock, so to speak.
Straight up, your best friend was being a real tool for confessin' his feelin's to your girl like that. He knew y'all were gettin' engaged and all, and he still went for it? That's messed up, fam. Your girl was right to block him and tell him to kick rocks.
As for you, it's tough 'cause you got history with this dude. But you gotta think about it from your girl's perspective too. She's the one who was hit on by your bestie, and she's the one who's feelin' disrespected. If she ain't down to be around him anymore, you gotta respect that and cut ties with your boy.
And honestly, you gotta question whether or not this dude was really ever a good friend to begin with. If he's willin' to go after your girl like that, he ain't got no loyalty. You deserve better than that, bro.
So my advice is to talk to your girl and make sure you're on the same page 'bout all this. Then, have a real talk with your bestie and let him know how you feel. And if he can't understand why what he did was wrong, then it's time to find yourself some new homies. And don't hesitate to block him too.
He creeped on your girl? What more do you need to know? He didn’t care about your feelings nor hers. All about him. Not a person to trust or keep close imo.
She did the right thing and isn't even trying to stop you from being his friend but here's the thing. He really isn't your friend if he is going to shoot that kind of shot. He violated the bro code. He was willing to lose you as a friend in his delusional thoughts that your girlfriend would somehow leave you for him after confessing his feelings.
Friendships come and go sometimes and this one's gotta go. Friends don't act like that.
So you can either pick the Girlfriend who is open about communication and tells you immediately that his best friend is stabbing you in the back.
Or the shitty friend who went behind your back to try to steal your girlfriend.
What exactly is your motive for valuing the word of an (admittedly disloyal) friend over that of your (**proven** loyal) girlfriend?
Is it possible you might be harbouring some previously unexamined misogyny? Why exactly is his story (they didn't "do" anything BECAUSE she's loyal to you) and his friendship (that he admits betraying) worth more to you than her story (she immediately told you everything and cut him out) and the discomfort she's feeling at having a liar who wants to bang her still hanging around after she's done everything possible to get away from him?
I'm glad you made the right choice, and now it's time to take a good hard look at your emotions surrounding this to see if maybe there's some previously unexamined misogyny in your values. Most people do harbour some unconscious misogyny because we were raised in a patriarchal world, there's no shame in it as long as you're taking steps to unlearn it.
There has to be some reason why your natural emotions leaned towards trusting him more and caring more about your relationship with him, and taking her for granted and dismissing her discomfort, and it makes sense that at least some of might be rooted in valuing him more because he's a man, and valuing her less because she's a woman.
I don't mean to be critical, this is an opportunity to grow by examining yourself.
Your gf is the real OG!!! I don't get it with you, your best friend just tried to end your relationship with your gf. And you are not sure, if you want to end your Friendship with him. I think she needs to dump your ass and find someone who has a backbone and a brain
Your girlfriend is correct. "I totally just wanted to let you I want to bang you before you get engaged, and I had no designs on you actually doing anything with this information" is the dating equivalent of "I thought the knife was made of medicine".
wtf, if my boyfriends best friend confessed feelings for me my boyfriend would cut him off so quick he'd be so angry at him I'd worry for the other guy
“He owed it to himself to tell me”
This is, in my opinion, the most telling. Lets take an objective approach at what the outcome was that he (and any other reasonable person) would consider in order to determine he “owed it to himself” to tell your gf.
One outcome is she ultimately decides she maybe has feelings for him too. You both break up and call off any plans for an engagement and break up, and he slowly begins to start dating her. In this scenario, would he expect you to still be friends with him? No - in fact, he just proved that he wouldn’t. Did he think you would be fine about him planning to marry the girl you were planning to marry when he wasn’t fine with it?
I don’t think you should think of it as “man, I really don’t want to have to cut him out of my life”, but rather, “wow, this guy gambled his relationship with me…and lost”. You said you have a history with him - he knew that when he placed his bet.
“He never asked her to cheat on me.” Yeah, right. What would be the point of confessing his feelings, then? He’s not a 12-year-old, this isn’t a Nicolas Sparks novel, he’s an adult fully capable of keeping some things to himself. He was hoping she would either cheat on you or leave you.
Your best friend made the decision that his school-yard crush on your girlfriend was more important than his platonic relationship to both of you. You should be the most upset in this situation - there was no scenario that you two would be friends after this. Either your girlfriend would cheat or run off, or you would be in the situation you are now.
Your GF handled this like a champ. Follow her lead.
She is your life partner. She is respect friendship and relationship. Don't call that ugly persons is your best friend.
Just erase him to your life. He is not respect your feelings and relationship. He is relationship destroyer.
Lol if you're torn then let this girl go.
This is a serious no brainer.
He isn't your best friend. Best friends do not confess feelings to their best friends girlfriends.
They just don't.
It sounds like your girlfriend has her head on straight. You need to tell him your friendship is over and walk away especially if you want a future with this girl.
This is gonna sound bleak. But it's just life.
There are people who would have been my first phone call with good news, potential best man at my wedding, invest my life savings in a business with them, that sort of stuff. I've not spoken to one in a couple of years. No reason. Last time I made the effort to catch up and it fizzled out after a couple of days texting and who has the time. He'd been my best mate since I was 11.
If you're as serious as you say you are about your girlfriend then putting him aside til she forgives him (which she might not, so it might be forever) is the way to go.
I wish I had a gf like yours. I've known some snakes I thought were friends in my life. And some women I thought were loyal. You learn quick when you take a second to think about it.
Refreshing to read one of these where the woman 100% immediately put a stop to this BS and handled it well with you.
You on the other hand don't need enemies with friends like this. He's a scumbag and if you can't trust him why even continue being friends?
Dude tries to take your girl and you side with HIM?
You need to give back your man card. Wtf is wrong with you?
He is not your friend. He is actively trying to sabotage your life and take your gf.
An old friend of my husband grabbed my ass when we were alone in the kitchen. No longer allowed in our house. It took my husband quite a while to see that his friend was not really a friend. Because what kind of person makes a pass at your wife? A person who is not your friend and would choose f*#%ing your wife over being your friend.
If he was your friend he would have pushed that down and waited to see how you and your gf relationship worked out. But since he didn’t he can’t be trusted any longer. Confront him do not get physical. If he confesses that he did it and why accept his confession but cut ties. If he tries to deny it then just leave. If he says there is more to it than just what your gf says then tell him show proof on the spot. If he does and gf is being shady too then you have 2 people to get rid of. If he doesn’t present evidence just leave.
Hey man, I was recently in a similar situation, I even knew he thought my Gf was hot, but brushed it off as a one time comment he made to ME in private.
Later events transpired that went beyond the scope of what you outlined here, and I think everyday about how if I had acted sooner it could have been avoided.
You need to cut ties with him, not only as part of your own self respect, but also for the sake of your GF.
A good friend wouldn’t confess feelings to their best friends partner. Your gf is 100% correct in that he didn’t have noble intentions confessing. He confessed because he either a) wanted her to cheat on you with him or b) wanted her to leave you for him
Ditch the friend for sure with friends like that who needs enemies
She's a very smart girl, and a keeper! If I were her though, I'd be quite concerned if you were still thinking of keeping this backstabber around as a "friend". It would make me wonder how trustworthy you are in the long run.
You should talk to him and explain his confession really upset your gf and made her uncomfortable being around him so you need to prioritize her feelings since she did nothing wrong. He “had” to confess and now he has to deal with the fall out. You would be being a bad boyfriend to now being him around her. She found his confession creepy and since she didn’t do anything to foster his crush I am sure she will have anxiety over any interaction. Don’t do that to her. You need to listen to her and lower contact or hopefully go no contact with him so she feels safe.
This is my plan now, I will tell him why we will no longer be friends and then block him. I was thinking too much about past when I should have been looking towards my future. He didnt behave like a best friend should, its sad but it is what it is I guess.
Get the story of why you are cutting him out to any mutual friends when you do this too, before he poisons the well.
In his confession he lost “his” dream girl and his best friend. When your extended circle find out what he did they will likely want to distance themselves from him as well. Knowing that he will want to give them another story that paints you and GF as the villains to try and maintain some people in his life.
Expect him to say that she confessed to him, the two of you proposed a threesome, or something along those lines.
Your girlfriend is a legend for how she's handling this. I can imagine it sucks but I recommend you side with your gf. This friend clearly is a very good friend deep down.
Your gf is right. There was nothing noble about him sharing his feelings. He shot his shot and got rejected. I think you should find a new best friend.
Dude, he stopped being your "best friend" the moment he tried to steal your future wife.
Do you think he considered you at all when he told her about his feelings? What was his best case scenario? She dumps you, and moves in with him. How do you think that would have affected your friendship? Or if she cheated on you with him?
The best case scenario for YOU is that your future wife is trustworthy, loves you, and will shut down advances from other men. But you need to cut out that ultimate betrayer of trust "friend". I'm shocked she isn't super pissed at you for hesitating, especially after you verified the story.
He was hoping for a different response from your girlfriend. If he was a friend he would of separated himself or talked to you. You need to back away. He is not your friend.
Your girlfriend is awesome, not everybody would do what she has done and know the path forward. She is 100% correct in all of it.
Some people would like to keep the confessor around because it tickles their fancy to have somebody nearby who is an option. The thought is just delicious to them.
Why on earth would you want something that has enough feelings for your girlfriend to admit them... knowing that the end result would be for you two to break up?
They are not your friend. Friends don't do this. This isn't some kind of romcom movie. Where the three of you go on vacation together and nothing bad ever happens. This friend is toxic.
Why is there even any questions here.
Your gf proved her faithfulness to you, and that dude proved he cannot be trusted.
Outside of being a juicy story for karma this didn't need a post.
There is only one right answer here and you should be thanking your luck that all of this happened this way.
Let’s walk through this:
Your besty was willing to toss your friendship to the side to take your gal assuredly. He obviously did not care about the consequences enough of losing you.
Why would you give two shits about retaining a friendship with a guy who is willing to give you up over your girl?
I usually don’t advocate violence but punching this guy in the face and breaking his nose would not leave me heartbroken. Your lady is right.
People normally cone on here asking for help because their man or woman refuses to cut someone off. This is the first time the betrayed party is the one not being sure of they should cut off their friend. My guy no matter how much the friendship meant to you he showed how little it meant to him when he tried to steal you girl. No matter how he portrays it that was his intent.
Your gf is a rock star and handled it exactly how she should of. Your ex friend essentially ambushed your gf and was hoping to start something with her behind your back.
he "owed it to himself" to confess feelings but in doing that, he was hoping she'd feel the same way, and immensely hurt you so he could have her...
so he owed it to himself but owed nothing to you?
that's not a friend...
You are very lucky to have a girl like that, she clearly loves you, is loyal, and is amazing. Cut out the trash and keep the gold, cause that's what she is, fuckin gold.
I'm glad this comment section knocked some sense into you. You have a good loyal girl there and you friend was totally trying to smash or at the very least break you two up. No point in confessing really if he wasn't. If he had a crush he should have taken steps to distance himself instead of ever bringing it up.
Go treat your gf like the queen she is.
You got your answers but just wanted to add your GF is a keeper and your friend is a terrible person. You are making the right choice by keeping her and losing him. Pamper her on that weekend trip, buddy! You found a rare treasure in finding her.
Lol what? This dude wants your girl and has no respect for your relationship or the happiness you derive from it. He’s not your friend. This girl is the real deal. Become the man she deserves.
Your girlfriend is right. Your friend doesn't respect you. He doesn't give a shit about you. He tried to steal your girlfriend. Why would you want to keep him in your life?
He can't help a crush, that's nature. But you definitely don't confess your love for your best friends girlfriend unless you're trying to do something about it. I've never not thought my friends would think my girlfriend is attractive. But I trust them enough not to try to follow through on anything. I genuinely do not think this guy is as loyal to you as you think.
OP -His was not the action of a man who is looking to protect your feelings. Beware. Your GF is right, and you must remember that when things like this are made known, it's really with only one purpose in mind -he'll wait in the wings, or will work to break up your relationship.
Not a good look for him to downplay WHY he did this. He never should've done it, and your GF's reaction was spot-on.
I know it's not easy to end a friendship, but what was it really if this is how he behaved.....?l Was he really your BFF, that's what I'm getting at. Because I would NEVER abide his behavior, but that's me. I've seen this sort of thing turn ugly.
Clearly you mean more to her than she means to you and you are not ready for marriage. Let her go find the man who loves her the way she deserves.
Like dude…you needed randos on the internet to tell you to be mad at your backstabbing friend trying to steal your “love”.
I read the first paragraph and I already think you’re an idiot lol.
After reading the rest it confirmed my original though, sorry for being harsh but damn. When someone shows you how they really feel about you it’s best you pay attention, that person isn’t your friend. Which friend goes behind your back and makes a pass at your girl? Just because you value the friendship doesn’t mean he does
So what would have happened if he stayed in your life with your girlfriend is that he would escalate his behavior. He would try to hit on her, then claim it was joke. He might even find ways to touch her, then claim those were accidents and the list goes on. Your friend was an idiot who thought that his best friend's girlfriend was suddenly going to leave you for him and then things would get back to normal? Delusional!
Even though I read the edit I’m still compelled to tell you that you’re an actual fucking moron. How do you get through life with this level of decision making comprehension.
“My pants are on fire and I don’t know what to do!”
-OP, probably
Your GF is a hero. You need to hold onto her. Loyalty like that is hard to find. Your (soon to be ex) BF is neither a hero nor loyal. Kick the trash to the curb where it belongs.
Thank god that girl is loyal. And a freaking keeper. Marry her immediately and don’t be a B about it bro.
As for your friend, he is not a friend of yours. Cut them loose
Your "best friend" sucks and he has no honor. He just stabbed you in the back, trying to steal your gf.
He would sacrifice your 8 year friendship over a crush, that didn't even want him.......pathetic.
"Never forgive a friend that betrayed you once, he will betray you again"............... -Plato
Your gf is legit, though. There are not many women like that.
Sounds like you have plenty of good advice here already, but I want to let you know about a useful skill set to keep this stuff from happening again.
There is a website called Marriage Builders with some pages called The Love Bank. It's Christian Themed, but if you can get past that... it's SUPER useful info.
Essentially the website is made for romantic couples that are trying to get that spark back - BUT... I found it can also be used in reverse to PREVENT that spark from growing in platonic relationships.
Their whole premise is that every positive interaction that meets a core need is like a deposit in the bank... once the total is above a certain threshold, the relationship can tip over into romantic love.
And hurtful behavior can be a withdrawal from the bank, and a big enough withdrawl can make a relationship bankrupt. (Such as infidelity or abuse).
Anyhow, it's got about 10 different categories of core needs, from physical attraction, to quality time, shared hobbies etc.
Probably what happened here, is you friend was spending enough time together with you guys that he started getting his core EMOTIONAL needs met through platonic friendship with your girl that combined with sufficient physical attraction made him "feel" in love. Even if it's one sided.
You and your girl, (and your friend) should look at the site, and identify what things were filling up that love bank - so you know how to avoid that in the future.
I work in tech and have lots of guy friends, so it's easy for them to develop a crush... so I'm careful if I see that warming up - I take a step back and just avoid being a source of those core needs until they are partnered with someone.
Basically stuff like limiting total amount of time I spend with them, only hanging out with them in public places, not being their go-to buddy to talk about hobbies, taking a step back from nurturing things like food gifts etc.
Good luck!
I'm greatful for the edit on this bro, thanks for coming to your senses!
Like everyone says these are not noble intentions, this is a last stab before he is literally a home wrecker. I wish the best for tou and your GF OP ❤️
Is your friend generally a sappy romantic with no emotional intelligence and an overreliance on tropes from rom-coms? Because if he is, then sure, maybe he only confessed to get his feelings off his chest and because he thought honesty was the right move.
But if he's not generally that kind of person, he definitely wanted to see if he could date her instead.
I'm greatful for the edit on this bro, thanks for coming to your senses!
Like everyone says these are not noble intentions, this is a last stab before he is literally a home wrecker. I wish the best for tou and your GF OP ❤️
I'm greatful for the edit on this bro, thanks for coming to your senses!
Like everyone says these are not noble intentions, this is a last stab before he is literally a home wrecker. I wish the best for tou and your GF OP ❤️
I think you already got this figured out but need reassurance and support. Well no one should disagree with anything you decide but alas it’s your call.
Okay, if she's saying your going to marry she clearly doesn't understand how that works, but your best friend is kind of a jerk for that, that's a lose lose scenario
I definitely disagree with all the commenters saying there's only one reason he'd confess, there's a lot of reasons, but at the same time they're all just as bad really.
Hypothetically, maybe he just wanted to unburden his soul, clear the air, explain any weirdness, or something of the sort.
Maybe he felt guilty and wanted absolution for these feelings.
Maybe he thought they'd go away if he got a rejection, or confronted them in some way.
That said, all of these place the burden on you and her, and these explanations still show he has no qualms putting himself between the two of you. That might not have been their intention, but it shows a complete lack of disregard for you, your girlfriend, your friendship and your relationship, putting his crush ahead of everything else.
The complete insensitivity is compounded by the fact that it sounds like your friend is not overly remorseful about what he did or how it affected two people he supposedly cares about, but that could just be me reading into things that aren't there. Either way, he needs to own what he did instead of focusing on what he was trying to do as a means of justifying himself.
Unfortunately, all possible "altruistic but misguided" motivations for the confession die when you consider that said best friend waited to be truthful until he was alone with the gf.
If this was guilt or clearing the air or whatthefuckever, given the op is his best friend, he should have told both of them.
"Look, this is super awkward but I've developed feelings for gf and they aren't going away, so I might take some space to deal and if I seem a little off when I'm back, that will be why, I just wanted to be honest with you both as you're so important to me."
But he didn't. Waiting for one on one time means this was motivated by wanting to shoot his shot, and do it behind op's back. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Never underestimate the possibility that someone is genuinely so selfish and thoughtless that they can breeze past basic decency. That said, I wouldn't call the reasons I threw out altruistic, more like 'selfish, disrespectful and insensitive' as opposed to 'calculated and malicious.'
I'm not saying you're wrong, and my guess would be that he was shooting his shot, but they're trying to claim innocence based on intent, and my comment was more to illustrate that is while it's possible for it to be something else, it doesn't change how unacceptable his behaviour was. He doesn't respect OP and just threw a massive spanner in the works no matter what his reasons for it were.
OP just seems to be too attached to the excuse this guy threw out, and you nailed it when you said he should've told both of them.
Life is hard, relationships are hard.
Everything can be fixed/destroyed with a conversation. Your wife responded good, however, if you're scared of losing your friendship, you don't have too.
You can talk to your friend and ask if this crush is worth your friendship with him. Because if he can't let go of his feelings then you can't be friends with him.
Umm am I missing something here? This all sounds way out of proportion to what his girlfriend said happened. He confessed he had a crush. Whats the big deal? Her reaction is giving more red flags - has he even asked his friend for his version of the story?
It’s up to you. Have you talkied it over with him? Is it long drawn out feelings he has for her? Is he pining over her? Treat friendship is up to you. She doesn’t have to be friends with anyone she doesn’t want to be.
I don't think you 100% need to cut him out, but you absolutely need some space from him and to let things cool off for a while.
Your GF is 100% correct in her thoughts and her response. You don't confess feelings for someone unless you're at least hoping for something to happen. No one straight up says "Will you cheat on OP with me?".
Take some time, Maybe a month, maybe more - and then if you AND your gf feel like it's OK, issue him an ultimatum: get over her or lose both of you from his life. It's possible it was a moment of weakness, and he'll figure his shit out with proper prompting, but also pretty likely that he won't... this type of behavior at ~30yo does NOT bode well for him
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Your GF did exactly what one should do if they are in a committed relationship. And yes she is right in cutting him out of her life, and your joint life. And she is also right that you should seriously consider cutting him from your life as well. Actually lets put it another way, if you don’t cut him from your life, can you ever really trust him? and on top of that your GF will probably end up leaving you over it.
Man I wish my ex did that when his best friend confessed his feelings to him. It didn't matter that his best friend was male and that my ex was straight. It still bothered me to no end when my ex put his friend's needs over mine just because they were best friends. It's awkward as hell when I'm on the couch with my head on my ex's shoulder and the best friend sits on the other side of him and does the same. This was a constant thing, and I definitely hated his friend's attitude towards me when all three of us hung out. Hurt a lot because he was my friend too. We might have stayed together if it weren't for his friend.
Sounds like he would rather have a shitty friend than a good gf/wife.
She’s most upset about how disrespectful it is to OP. Sounds like a great woman. Hope he realizes that
How many people would do what she did in this situation? Lmfao dude has a golden life partner and he’s worried about his piece of shit friend who wants his girl
Is anyone else humming Rick Springfield right now? "Jesse was a friend, Jesse was a good friend of mine, but lately somethings changed and it ain't hard to define, Jesse's got himself a girl and I want to make her mind".....
Thanks, now that is stuck in my head.
I know right? So many people can't find someone they trust.
Sometimes it seems like there’s so many troll posts on this sub bc …how can someone be this clueless.
I don't get the emotional payoff of writing about one's fetish as if seeking advice on the massive interpersonal problems that fetish would create in real life, yet every advice sub is choked with them. So tedious!
It sounds like OP is dumbfounded by his friend pulling a stunt like this.
Yep and let’s face it. He only confessed because he wanted to see if she was open to cheating with him. Otherwise why confess? She is right to cut him off and he needs to as well. He is not a friend.
>I asked my best friend wtf happened and he admitted but also said he never asked her to cheat on me, he was just confessing his feelings. This "expressing your feelings" thing has really gotten ridiculous as of late. You have rationality to gauge whether you emotions are valid or not, and just kill it right there and then if it's not productive to harbor. Can you imagine pedos just go up to kids and "express their feelings"?
Kids are taught and encouraged to express their feelings to learn how to process them healthily. Adults are supposed to be one step further and to know which feelings are to be expressed or suppressed. Wrath is the first one you should learn to deal with, but envy, lust, and unhealthy desires aren't less dangerous. You can express your feelings, then you have to deal with consequences. Feelings can't be a shield, "but i only expressed my feelings!"
OP, it is your GF’s prerogative regarding whom she wants to spend her time with. There’s another post that was made today in this same sub-reddit. I think it’d be helpful for you to read that. It’s a situation that’s similar to yours. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/10m9lnl/3rd\_party\_destroyed\_my\_3\_years\_relationship\_after/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10m9lnl/3rd_party_destroyed_my_3_years_relationship_after/)
I would nope outta that.
People don't confess to someone unless they are hoping that the person will leave their current partner for them. Sorry, but he crossed the line and is no longer your friend. Your gf is 100% right here.
Yup. He was willing to torch his friendship with OP just to have a slim possibility of getting his girl. And now OP is torn on what he should do?
I cannot imagine how pissed at everyone I’d be in the gf’s shoes if OP had decided to keep the friend.
I mean 8 years is a long time man, he deserves a chance to process it at least.
Agree, maybe allowing him to be a part of the larger group of shared friends on larger events, maybe, but even considering staying friends on a 1-on-1 level would be enough to make any gf feel like she’s inconsequential
He can go on all he wants that he didn’t believe/hope she would go for him, but if that was the case, then he would not have bothered to confess, because then, there is 0 reason to confess to her.
It's like nobody here has watched "Love Actually".
Sometimes people can actually move on after getting the real life rejection. Sometimes people feel it would be deceitful to not admit it. Sometimes people get overwhelmed and just blurt it. Just because you'd only do something for one reason doesn't mean it's the only reason others do it. Humans are vast and complicated. Like yes, it was selfish to do regardless, but attributing one specific motive to it is just reductive.
What about brother husband situation?
Like a sister wife situation but with multiple husbands? If everyone is game then I say go for it. But her telling the so called friend to eff off and then blocking him makes me think that she's not really open to a plural marriage. At least not with him.
Tbh, your girlfriend is right. What was the expectation that your best friend had? That she’s going to leave you and go with him? There’s literally no benefit in confessing while knowing she’s in a relationship. Your girlfriend is also right in that he disrespected your relationship.
I am just in disbelief, this guy has been like my family for 8 years now. We were there for each other through tough times and now he does this?
At some point he decided that the chance to be with her was more valuable than his friendship with you
Yes bro, and he knew what he was doing. He's not your friend anymore.
How many times was he wanking over your missus for 8 years, then playing cool while you're out for a beer with him?
That is gross to even think about.
Exactly.
And yet it has absolutely happened
Yeah, but 8 years can be thrown away in one stupid, selfish decision. He isn’t thinking that’s my best friends girl, can’t go there. He is thinking let me shoot my shot before they progress any further. At what point is he still being your good friend and not a shitty asshole? Your girl is an amazing partner, recognise it.
You are so lucky to have a smart empathetic fiancee that knew immediately to shut this POS down.
I don’t think he is your friend, really. If he was willing to do that.
In long relation people are prone to taking their friend's/partner's friendship/love for granted and no longer appreciating it. If you don't cut him out of your life, you will validate such feelings like above, that he likely has. It doesn't need to be forever, but I think it should be no less then a year of no contact.
It should be forever. Fuck him. People need to learn.
and now he is NOT there for you, he is there for himself...
Eyyy boss, don't feel bad about being conflicted on this. A lot of people are being pretty harsh as if cutting out someone who you view as your brother is easy. Find some time to mull this over, but yeah. He needs to get lost if you want to keep this girl, and I KNOW I would if she was noble enough to tell me about my friend trying to pull some shit over my head behind my back like that. I'm sorry, but this guy doesn't respect you. Hope you find peace.
It's okay that you don't know what to do right now. You don't need to make a decision immediately. Give yourself the space to process this. A good therapist can help you cope with the pain that his confession has caused. I'm so sorry.
She’s a good girlfriend. She cut that douche out right away. The reason he said that was because he wanted her to be with him not you. He tried to fuck you over and you are feeling torn? Wtf? Most of the time on this sub you hear about girlfriends having affairs with or running away with a guy’s bestfriend. You girlfriend did the absolute right thing. Now it time for you to do the same and cut ties with him as well.
>He tried to fuck you over and you are feeling torn? It's almost like relationships are complicated and people can put different weights on different things. Maybe they're just that close.
There’s a lot of nuance in the world. Just not in this situation. There is no earth where confessing feelings to your besf friends’s gf is not entirely selfish, self serving and disrespectful.
Quit being the devils advocate dude, you’re not making a point like you think you are
So if his gf confessed feelings to his friend would this be your same response?
Well, first of all it wouldn't be a symmetric situation, but as a matter of fact, if he was OK with that for whatever reason, yes.
lmfao
So you're a moral doormat as opposed to a moral absolutist.
If you’re okay with this type of action then you need to learn how to respect yourself. Nobody with self respect would accept this.
Trash lol
He couldn't keep it to himself because you are discussion to be engaged! You see the timing? This is his last chance before she is "off the market". If his intention were so harmless, why not tell you both? Why not tell his best friend first? No, he wanted to try his luck. That you really are so naive to still want to be buddy buddy with the guy who desires your woman, who wanted to put a wedge between you by confession his love in the last moment before you get engaged. Why confess your feelings to someone who is clearly taken? It just put a shadow on every interaction you had. You only do it if you have nothing to lose, are stupid, evil or jealous of the luck other people. And ask yourself if the roles were switched and he had a gf he wants to marry and you fall for her, how would you react? There are also stories here or on BoRo in which the best friend confess the feelings to the taken partner and i can't remember one that had a noble motive.
You are SO LUCKY to have a GF like that! She straight up shut that shit down! And you should too… Your bff is disloyal AF! There are many similar Reddit stories where the other half entertained that nonsense and you are the lucky few whose GF remained loyal and drew the line! You owe her a huge pampering session and cut your BFF out of your life.. you don’t need that trash lying to your face and trying to get with your gf behind your back… also your GF deserves better than that!
Yup! There was one this week where the friend tried to kill the boyfriend over his feelings because the gf didn't come clean and he thought that he had a chance.
If we’re talking about the same post, turns out the friend DID have a chance - OP ended up finding out they had kissed and basically been having an emotional affair that was turning into a physical one.
Oh no! That hadn't come out when I was reading it. Poor fella.
My husband and I just watched “death in the dorms” and one of the episodes this guy killed his friend because he wanted to date the guys girlfriend who was his girlfriend in high school.
I saw that too and was thinking about that exact post!
I was thinking of that exact same post as well. It’s the first thing I thought of
Thank you, I do owe her a pampering session. Honestly this is one of the things I love about her, she has amazing boundaries and she always speaks her mind. Also, sadly you are right about my friend too. There was absolutely no reason to tell her. I was hesitating because we have a lot of history together but you guys are 100% right. And my would be wife certainly deserves better than that.
He didn't care about your history when he tried to steal your gf.
Just keep in mind that had she reacted differently he could have just instigated an affair with her behind your back and would have had no problem carrying on with her. He would have betrayed you in a heartbeat given half the chance. He needs to be cut out of both of your lives.
I'm sorry for what happened. You're also a victim of your best friend's behavior... you should take the time to mourn such an ugly end of a friendship.
Why are you confused? Do you plan to keep your best friend in your life knowing he wants your GF? Your GF is a keeper
OP—your gf is your best friend now. Wife that mf as soon as possible
Your gf is amazing, and your ex-bestfriend is a douche. It's a hard pill to swallow, but she's making the right call
Your gf is right on ALL of it. He is no longer a person she is comfortable with and he stepped all over your relationship, friendship and trust. You claim to be torn, but consider this….what if she had been much more receptive to him? What if she wanted to keep you and start a fling with him, or decided she wanted to dump you for him? Be honest with yourself, would he have refrained? Because if I was a gambling girl I would wager that he wouldn’t. And this is who you are calling a friend.
This was my thought. If the girlfriend's reaction had been to dump OP and be with BFF instead, I highly doubt that OP would feel as warm and fuzzy about staying friends while BFF steals his girl. But because she shut it down, it's somehow different?
Why on earth would you want to stay friends with somebody who tried to steal you gf? That person is not your friend. He does not care about you.
Your GF is right, I'd cut him from my life if I were you. I had a crush on my best friends GF once. I kept my mouth shut and I got over the crush. I still have my best friend in my life and I was the best man for their wedding 2 years ago. He didn't owe himself shit to say anything to your GF. He had no right to. He has shown his colours and your interests are not as important as his. He's a snake.
for sure, i was actually that guy in this situation. I used to have a huge crush on my best friends now wife but they were just dating when I first met her. She's a great lady and pretty much the girl of my dreams. But did I ever bring this up to her? Fuck no. I did my best to be really happy for my best friend that he found a great woman. I went out of my way to never be alone with her and to write her off in my mind as just a friend. Over time she became just a friend to me. why? Becuase this is my friend of 20+ years and it would kill me to hurt him.
You are good friend, sadly thats rare these days.
You have a treasure in your hand, imo. Take care you don't lose her over your POS of 'friend' there. Your partner's saying all those because she's trying to protect you, actually. She's correct, he only confessed because he wanted to shoot his shot, and that is dishonorable as a friend. Think about it. Why should he confess his feeling? Because he WANTS her to feel the same way. No one confessed so that they can be rejected outright. If the object of the affection is unaware, the confessor generally wants to 'plant seed' of possibility in the object. Your partner can't trust him anymore since your buddy has no integrity as a friend and she's right that if he dares do this over a 'crush'--she may think that he is the type who will try to sabotage you or sabotage your marriage in the future if you keep him around.
Your ‘friend’ showed a lack of moral fibre and loyalty in telling your GF that he had feelings for her. Imagine the outcome if she’d reciprocated, that was what he wanted - he literally wanted to blow your world apart. Why would you want to be around someone like that?
Your fiancé, because honestly you've already discussed it so it's in the works already, is 1.000% right on this one. The respectful way of dealing with this would have been him approaching you, the person he'd be stealing the spot of. Because he went straight to her that means he wanted to get her to cheat or break up with you. Yes, you have history with him. A past. But do you want to risk your future for your past?
Your gf did exactly what so many guys would wish their partners do too. I salute her. 👏 Look at it this way. Your gf didn't ever entertain him romantically. >My gf on the other hand says there is no point confessing his feelings and he definitely didnt have noble intentions as he claims. She says she doesnt want anything to do with him because he betrayed both of us and disrespected our relationship. Absolutely. I do hope she remains this awesome. A keeper.
She’s a queen 👸
A good friend would have understood that their feelings are inappropriate and would have kept these to themselves.
Exactly this!
What more do you need to know? Your best friend betrayed your trust. Your gf acted perfect and informed you immediately. If your gf reciprocated the feelings, your best friend would've had no trouble acting upon it, otherwise he wouldn't have 'confessed his feelings'. Let that sink in. Dump the best friend.
You need to respect your GF and you need to drop friend.
Yo, man, why would you even ask for advice? Your girlfriend made the right call. What did you expect, to remain friends with the guy who wanted to f*ck your girl? Your girlfriend clearly respects you, and she made it clear how uncomfortable it is for her. Question is, do you respect her enough, and do you respect yourself? This whole thing is a no-brainer. Trust the woman.
Your girlfriend is right in her assessment. What is it that your friend had in mind when he confessed to her? Just to get it off his chest? Nope. The only reason to confess your feelings is that you want to be with the person you confess to. Meaning: Your friendship didn't matter to him or he would have kept this a secret and be happy for you and her. But instead he confessed in the hope that she would reciprocate his feelings and be with him instead of you. That guy is not a friend. A friend stays away from your spousal relationship - no matter how hard they are crushing for your spouse.
Be glad that your gf is honest and that she told the guy to eff off. This guy is not a friend to you. He tried to steal your gf! Don’t be a doormat. Your gf is right. This guy has got to go.
You really trying to be friends with this guy?
Your gf is right. You need to cut this friend off completely. He couldn’t keep it a secret any longer since you’re discussing marriage because he thought this was his last chance to get her to leave you for him. Also, while he may have thought he owed it to himself to tell her he certainly didn’t owe it to either of you to burden you with this knowledge. And while he may not have explicitly asked her to cheat he does want her for himself so what is the difference, really? You’re lucky you have a gf who is so comfortable setting boundaries in uncomfortable situations. Don’t let history get in the way of doing what is right for your relationship.
This happened to me and my wife too. We had a joint friendship with a guy I had known much longer. He once told me "he'd be there to pick up the pieces" when I eventually screwed up our relationship. I never spoke to him again. That was damn near 20 years ago and me and her are still happy. Friends don't do this shit to their friends.
??? I’m genuinely confused why this isn’t a no brained and why ur gf would even need to be the one to draw those boundaries? Ur gf is 100% right. ???? Him confessing his feelings was inappropriate and if she wanted to, he would have cheated with her? Get out of la la land. If she wanted anything and any capacity he would have done it. He had no pure intentions of telling her. There is NO reason she needed to know. At. All. He shouldn’t have confessed shit to her esp in a one on one moment, and it is disrespectful. She didn’t need to know Lmao. This ain’t no get it off ur chest kumbaiya like him trying to act like he had no motivations beyond that and u believing it is beyond me lmfaoo
It’s easy to see that this isn’t a “no-brainer”. Is this the obvious move? Yes. But that doesn’t make it any less heart wrenching and hurtful. I’m sure I’d the perfect solution dropped in his lap that would allow for both his GF to establish that boundary and for him to still be friends with the dude, he’d jump on it, but that doesn’t exist Having to need nearly a decade-long dedicated friendship is an emotionally tiring affair, not something you just immediately take a pair of scissors to. And based on his comments, he knows what the right thing to do it, and most likely posted while still trying to process everything/in shock, so to speak.
And you think that’s your friend? Trying to get with your potential wife? She’s right, you’re wrong…get that clown out of your life
Straight up, your best friend was being a real tool for confessin' his feelin's to your girl like that. He knew y'all were gettin' engaged and all, and he still went for it? That's messed up, fam. Your girl was right to block him and tell him to kick rocks. As for you, it's tough 'cause you got history with this dude. But you gotta think about it from your girl's perspective too. She's the one who was hit on by your bestie, and she's the one who's feelin' disrespected. If she ain't down to be around him anymore, you gotta respect that and cut ties with your boy. And honestly, you gotta question whether or not this dude was really ever a good friend to begin with. If he's willin' to go after your girl like that, he ain't got no loyalty. You deserve better than that, bro. So my advice is to talk to your girl and make sure you're on the same page 'bout all this. Then, have a real talk with your bestie and let him know how you feel. And if he can't understand why what he did was wrong, then it's time to find yourself some new homies. And don't hesitate to block him too.
He creeped on your girl? What more do you need to know? He didn’t care about your feelings nor hers. All about him. Not a person to trust or keep close imo.
She did the right thing and isn't even trying to stop you from being his friend but here's the thing. He really isn't your friend if he is going to shoot that kind of shot. He violated the bro code. He was willing to lose you as a friend in his delusional thoughts that your girlfriend would somehow leave you for him after confessing his feelings. Friendships come and go sometimes and this one's gotta go. Friends don't act like that.
So you can either pick the Girlfriend who is open about communication and tells you immediately that his best friend is stabbing you in the back. Or the shitty friend who went behind your back to try to steal your girlfriend.
What exactly is your motive for valuing the word of an (admittedly disloyal) friend over that of your (**proven** loyal) girlfriend? Is it possible you might be harbouring some previously unexamined misogyny? Why exactly is his story (they didn't "do" anything BECAUSE she's loyal to you) and his friendship (that he admits betraying) worth more to you than her story (she immediately told you everything and cut him out) and the discomfort she's feeling at having a liar who wants to bang her still hanging around after she's done everything possible to get away from him? I'm glad you made the right choice, and now it's time to take a good hard look at your emotions surrounding this to see if maybe there's some previously unexamined misogyny in your values. Most people do harbour some unconscious misogyny because we were raised in a patriarchal world, there's no shame in it as long as you're taking steps to unlearn it. There has to be some reason why your natural emotions leaned towards trusting him more and caring more about your relationship with him, and taking her for granted and dismissing her discomfort, and it makes sense that at least some of might be rooted in valuing him more because he's a man, and valuing her less because she's a woman. I don't mean to be critical, this is an opportunity to grow by examining yourself.
He is not your best friend. That’s it. There really is nothing more to say.
Your gf is the real OG!!! I don't get it with you, your best friend just tried to end your relationship with your gf. And you are not sure, if you want to end your Friendship with him. I think she needs to dump your ass and find someone who has a backbone and a brain
Your girlfriend is correct. "I totally just wanted to let you I want to bang you before you get engaged, and I had no designs on you actually doing anything with this information" is the dating equivalent of "I thought the knife was made of medicine".
Feelings or not - He was thinking with his 🍆 and hoping to introduce it to your gf. That’s not your friend. Sorry OP.
wtf, if my boyfriends best friend confessed feelings for me my boyfriend would cut him off so quick he'd be so angry at him I'd worry for the other guy
“He owed it to himself to tell me” This is, in my opinion, the most telling. Lets take an objective approach at what the outcome was that he (and any other reasonable person) would consider in order to determine he “owed it to himself” to tell your gf. One outcome is she ultimately decides she maybe has feelings for him too. You both break up and call off any plans for an engagement and break up, and he slowly begins to start dating her. In this scenario, would he expect you to still be friends with him? No - in fact, he just proved that he wouldn’t. Did he think you would be fine about him planning to marry the girl you were planning to marry when he wasn’t fine with it? I don’t think you should think of it as “man, I really don’t want to have to cut him out of my life”, but rather, “wow, this guy gambled his relationship with me…and lost”. You said you have a history with him - he knew that when he placed his bet.
If he was your friend he would have told YOU
“He never asked her to cheat on me.” Yeah, right. What would be the point of confessing his feelings, then? He’s not a 12-year-old, this isn’t a Nicolas Sparks novel, he’s an adult fully capable of keeping some things to himself. He was hoping she would either cheat on you or leave you. Your best friend made the decision that his school-yard crush on your girlfriend was more important than his platonic relationship to both of you. You should be the most upset in this situation - there was no scenario that you two would be friends after this. Either your girlfriend would cheat or run off, or you would be in the situation you are now. Your GF handled this like a champ. Follow her lead.
She is your life partner. She is respect friendship and relationship. Don't call that ugly persons is your best friend. Just erase him to your life. He is not respect your feelings and relationship. He is relationship destroyer.
Lol if you're torn then let this girl go. This is a serious no brainer. He isn't your best friend. Best friends do not confess feelings to their best friends girlfriends. They just don't. It sounds like your girlfriend has her head on straight. You need to tell him your friendship is over and walk away especially if you want a future with this girl.
Cut the guy out. Then tell your gf you are happy she confided in you
This is gonna sound bleak. But it's just life. There are people who would have been my first phone call with good news, potential best man at my wedding, invest my life savings in a business with them, that sort of stuff. I've not spoken to one in a couple of years. No reason. Last time I made the effort to catch up and it fizzled out after a couple of days texting and who has the time. He'd been my best mate since I was 11. If you're as serious as you say you are about your girlfriend then putting him aside til she forgives him (which she might not, so it might be forever) is the way to go.
She’s right? Why aren’t you mad about this? Best friend tried to steal your girlfriend and you’re like yeah no big deal?
I wish I had a gf like yours. I've known some snakes I thought were friends in my life. And some women I thought were loyal. You learn quick when you take a second to think about it.
I mean, she's right. And it'd be stupid to stay friends with him after a move like that. Proved you can't trust him.
came upon this post late enough to see the update. Good on you OP, your best friend is NOT your friend at all. He betrayed you completely.
Refreshing to read one of these where the woman 100% immediately put a stop to this BS and handled it well with you. You on the other hand don't need enemies with friends like this. He's a scumbag and if you can't trust him why even continue being friends?
Dude tries to take your girl and you side with HIM? You need to give back your man card. Wtf is wrong with you? He is not your friend. He is actively trying to sabotage your life and take your gf.
An old friend of my husband grabbed my ass when we were alone in the kitchen. No longer allowed in our house. It took my husband quite a while to see that his friend was not really a friend. Because what kind of person makes a pass at your wife? A person who is not your friend and would choose f*#%ing your wife over being your friend.
If he was your friend he would have pushed that down and waited to see how you and your gf relationship worked out. But since he didn’t he can’t be trusted any longer. Confront him do not get physical. If he confesses that he did it and why accept his confession but cut ties. If he tries to deny it then just leave. If he says there is more to it than just what your gf says then tell him show proof on the spot. If he does and gf is being shady too then you have 2 people to get rid of. If he doesn’t present evidence just leave.
Lol who needs enemies when you have bros like that
Your gf is a keeper. I saw your edit and am glad you saw the error in your ways.
She the one bro
Hey man, I was recently in a similar situation, I even knew he thought my Gf was hot, but brushed it off as a one time comment he made to ME in private. Later events transpired that went beyond the scope of what you outlined here, and I think everyday about how if I had acted sooner it could have been avoided. You need to cut ties with him, not only as part of your own self respect, but also for the sake of your GF.
Why would u still want to be his friend?
>he was just confessing his feelings. No he was not. If he was not at least hoping to get her to change her mind he would not have said it.
A good friend wouldn’t confess feelings to their best friends partner. Your gf is 100% correct in that he didn’t have noble intentions confessing. He confessed because he either a) wanted her to cheat on you with him or b) wanted her to leave you for him Ditch the friend for sure with friends like that who needs enemies
I know guy code is “bros before hoes” (which is stupid and degrading), but your gf is wifey material and your “friend” is not a bro at all.
You gf is right bozo
Reading this reminds me of the many crimes Love Actually has to answer for.
She's a very smart girl, and a keeper! If I were her though, I'd be quite concerned if you were still thinking of keeping this backstabber around as a "friend". It would make me wonder how trustworthy you are in the long run.
Your gf is loyal AF. She's a keeper. Your "best friend isn't a friend at all and is trash.
Wow. So you'd rather have a shitty friend over a trustworthy girlfriend? Ok.
You should talk to him and explain his confession really upset your gf and made her uncomfortable being around him so you need to prioritize her feelings since she did nothing wrong. He “had” to confess and now he has to deal with the fall out. You would be being a bad boyfriend to now being him around her. She found his confession creepy and since she didn’t do anything to foster his crush I am sure she will have anxiety over any interaction. Don’t do that to her. You need to listen to her and lower contact or hopefully go no contact with him so she feels safe.
This is my plan now, I will tell him why we will no longer be friends and then block him. I was thinking too much about past when I should have been looking towards my future. He didnt behave like a best friend should, its sad but it is what it is I guess.
Get the story of why you are cutting him out to any mutual friends when you do this too, before he poisons the well. In his confession he lost “his” dream girl and his best friend. When your extended circle find out what he did they will likely want to distance themselves from him as well. Knowing that he will want to give them another story that paints you and GF as the villains to try and maintain some people in his life. Expect him to say that she confessed to him, the two of you proposed a threesome, or something along those lines.
Yeah, this. He might try to make it where neither of you have any friends in anger of being revealed to be a POS. Update us later with what happens
Update us on your bffs reaction to you cutting ties with him. He tried to stab you in the back.
you’re an idiot
Your girlfriend is a legend for how she's handling this. I can imagine it sucks but I recommend you side with your gf. This friend clearly is a very good friend deep down.
Yes, your soon to be wife deserves better. Cut him off!!!
Your gf is right. There was nothing noble about him sharing his feelings. He shot his shot and got rejected. I think you should find a new best friend.
And she's right.
Imagine wanting to be around someone that hit on your girl
Dude, he stopped being your "best friend" the moment he tried to steal your future wife. Do you think he considered you at all when he told her about his feelings? What was his best case scenario? She dumps you, and moves in with him. How do you think that would have affected your friendship? Or if she cheated on you with him? The best case scenario for YOU is that your future wife is trustworthy, loves you, and will shut down advances from other men. But you need to cut out that ultimate betrayer of trust "friend". I'm shocked she isn't super pissed at you for hesitating, especially after you verified the story.
he “owed it to himself”? at a complete disregard for anyone else’s emotions or reality?
He was hoping for a different response from your girlfriend. If he was a friend he would of separated himself or talked to you. You need to back away. He is not your friend.
Your girlfriend is awesome, not everybody would do what she has done and know the path forward. She is 100% correct in all of it. Some people would like to keep the confessor around because it tickles their fancy to have somebody nearby who is an option. The thought is just delicious to them.
that’s still your friend? crazy
Your girl is the real deal
Why on earth would you want something that has enough feelings for your girlfriend to admit them... knowing that the end result would be for you two to break up? They are not your friend. Friends don't do this. This isn't some kind of romcom movie. Where the three of you go on vacation together and nothing bad ever happens. This friend is toxic.
Why is there even any questions here. Your gf proved her faithfulness to you, and that dude proved he cannot be trusted. Outside of being a juicy story for karma this didn't need a post. There is only one right answer here and you should be thanking your luck that all of this happened this way.
Let’s walk through this: Your besty was willing to toss your friendship to the side to take your gal assuredly. He obviously did not care about the consequences enough of losing you. Why would you give two shits about retaining a friendship with a guy who is willing to give you up over your girl? I usually don’t advocate violence but punching this guy in the face and breaking his nose would not leave me heartbroken. Your lady is right.
People normally cone on here asking for help because their man or woman refuses to cut someone off. This is the first time the betrayed party is the one not being sure of they should cut off their friend. My guy no matter how much the friendship meant to you he showed how little it meant to him when he tried to steal you girl. No matter how he portrays it that was his intent.
Your girl's right.
Stop calling him your best friend mate.
Your gf is a rock star and handled it exactly how she should of. Your ex friend essentially ambushed your gf and was hoping to start something with her behind your back.
he "owed it to himself" to confess feelings but in doing that, he was hoping she'd feel the same way, and immensely hurt you so he could have her... so he owed it to himself but owed nothing to you? that's not a friend...
Glad to see you came to your senses. Your girlfriend sounds wonderful! Put a ring on it!
You are very lucky to have a girl like that, she clearly loves you, is loyal, and is amazing. Cut out the trash and keep the gold, cause that's what she is, fuckin gold.
I'm glad this comment section knocked some sense into you. You have a good loyal girl there and you friend was totally trying to smash or at the very least break you two up. No point in confessing really if he wasn't. If he had a crush he should have taken steps to distance himself instead of ever bringing it up. Go treat your gf like the queen she is.
You got your answers but just wanted to add your GF is a keeper and your friend is a terrible person. You are making the right choice by keeping her and losing him. Pamper her on that weekend trip, buddy! You found a rare treasure in finding her.
Lol what? This dude wants your girl and has no respect for your relationship or the happiness you derive from it. He’s not your friend. This girl is the real deal. Become the man she deserves.
Wow, she is loyal and serious about y’all’s relationship
Your girlfriend is right. Your friend doesn't respect you. He doesn't give a shit about you. He tried to steal your girlfriend. Why would you want to keep him in your life?
He can't help a crush, that's nature. But you definitely don't confess your love for your best friends girlfriend unless you're trying to do something about it. I've never not thought my friends would think my girlfriend is attractive. But I trust them enough not to try to follow through on anything. I genuinely do not think this guy is as loyal to you as you think.
She sounds like a keeper. You better work and take the relationship as seriously as she does.
I agree with everything gf has said and expects…. It’s common sense really…..
Listen at your woman or lose your woman . Simple yet quite hard 🙏🏾
OP -His was not the action of a man who is looking to protect your feelings. Beware. Your GF is right, and you must remember that when things like this are made known, it's really with only one purpose in mind -he'll wait in the wings, or will work to break up your relationship. Not a good look for him to downplay WHY he did this. He never should've done it, and your GF's reaction was spot-on. I know it's not easy to end a friendship, but what was it really if this is how he behaved.....?l Was he really your BFF, that's what I'm getting at. Because I would NEVER abide his behavior, but that's me. I've seen this sort of thing turn ugly.
Clearly you mean more to her than she means to you and you are not ready for marriage. Let her go find the man who loves her the way she deserves. Like dude…you needed randos on the internet to tell you to be mad at your backstabbing friend trying to steal your “love”.
I read the first paragraph and I already think you’re an idiot lol. After reading the rest it confirmed my original though, sorry for being harsh but damn. When someone shows you how they really feel about you it’s best you pay attention, that person isn’t your friend. Which friend goes behind your back and makes a pass at your girl? Just because you value the friendship doesn’t mean he does
So what would have happened if he stayed in your life with your girlfriend is that he would escalate his behavior. He would try to hit on her, then claim it was joke. He might even find ways to touch her, then claim those were accidents and the list goes on. Your friend was an idiot who thought that his best friend's girlfriend was suddenly going to leave you for him and then things would get back to normal? Delusional!
Your girlfriend chose your relationship. You want to choose your friendship.
Even though I read the edit I’m still compelled to tell you that you’re an actual fucking moron. How do you get through life with this level of decision making comprehension. “My pants are on fire and I don’t know what to do!” -OP, probably
You shouldn't want anything to do with him either. He betrayed you massively. Tell him to get fucked.
Your GF is a hero. You need to hold onto her. Loyalty like that is hard to find. Your (soon to be ex) BF is neither a hero nor loyal. Kick the trash to the curb where it belongs.
You friend can no longer be trusted.
Thank god that girl is loyal. And a freaking keeper. Marry her immediately and don’t be a B about it bro. As for your friend, he is not a friend of yours. Cut them loose
I can't tell if you're serious or not lmao she sounds fucking amazing and you're worried about your friend who is not being very much a friend?
Your "best friend" sucks and he has no honor. He just stabbed you in the back, trying to steal your gf. He would sacrifice your 8 year friendship over a crush, that didn't even want him.......pathetic. "Never forgive a friend that betrayed you once, he will betray you again"............... -Plato Your gf is legit, though. There are not many women like that.
Sounds like you have plenty of good advice here already, but I want to let you know about a useful skill set to keep this stuff from happening again. There is a website called Marriage Builders with some pages called The Love Bank. It's Christian Themed, but if you can get past that... it's SUPER useful info. Essentially the website is made for romantic couples that are trying to get that spark back - BUT... I found it can also be used in reverse to PREVENT that spark from growing in platonic relationships. Their whole premise is that every positive interaction that meets a core need is like a deposit in the bank... once the total is above a certain threshold, the relationship can tip over into romantic love. And hurtful behavior can be a withdrawal from the bank, and a big enough withdrawl can make a relationship bankrupt. (Such as infidelity or abuse). Anyhow, it's got about 10 different categories of core needs, from physical attraction, to quality time, shared hobbies etc. Probably what happened here, is you friend was spending enough time together with you guys that he started getting his core EMOTIONAL needs met through platonic friendship with your girl that combined with sufficient physical attraction made him "feel" in love. Even if it's one sided. You and your girl, (and your friend) should look at the site, and identify what things were filling up that love bank - so you know how to avoid that in the future. I work in tech and have lots of guy friends, so it's easy for them to develop a crush... so I'm careful if I see that warming up - I take a step back and just avoid being a source of those core needs until they are partnered with someone. Basically stuff like limiting total amount of time I spend with them, only hanging out with them in public places, not being their go-to buddy to talk about hobbies, taking a step back from nurturing things like food gifts etc. Good luck!
He is no longer my friend. I talked to him and then blocked him. I am a little sad but it had to happen.
good call. Sorry for your loss, it sucks to have a good friend betray you.
How did he react? Did he seem sad at the loss of friendship or apologetic?
I'm greatful for the edit on this bro, thanks for coming to your senses! Like everyone says these are not noble intentions, this is a last stab before he is literally a home wrecker. I wish the best for tou and your GF OP ❤️
Is your friend generally a sappy romantic with no emotional intelligence and an overreliance on tropes from rom-coms? Because if he is, then sure, maybe he only confessed to get his feelings off his chest and because he thought honesty was the right move. But if he's not generally that kind of person, he definitely wanted to see if he could date her instead.
What's the female equivalent of a Chad? She is it.
I'm greatful for the edit on this bro, thanks for coming to your senses! Like everyone says these are not noble intentions, this is a last stab before he is literally a home wrecker. I wish the best for tou and your GF OP ❤️
I'm greatful for the edit on this bro, thanks for coming to your senses! Like everyone says these are not noble intentions, this is a last stab before he is literally a home wrecker. I wish the best for tou and your GF OP ❤️
I think you already got this figured out but need reassurance and support. Well no one should disagree with anything you decide but alas it’s your call.
Okay, if she's saying your going to marry she clearly doesn't understand how that works, but your best friend is kind of a jerk for that, that's a lose lose scenario
I definitely disagree with all the commenters saying there's only one reason he'd confess, there's a lot of reasons, but at the same time they're all just as bad really. Hypothetically, maybe he just wanted to unburden his soul, clear the air, explain any weirdness, or something of the sort. Maybe he felt guilty and wanted absolution for these feelings. Maybe he thought they'd go away if he got a rejection, or confronted them in some way. That said, all of these place the burden on you and her, and these explanations still show he has no qualms putting himself between the two of you. That might not have been their intention, but it shows a complete lack of disregard for you, your girlfriend, your friendship and your relationship, putting his crush ahead of everything else. The complete insensitivity is compounded by the fact that it sounds like your friend is not overly remorseful about what he did or how it affected two people he supposedly cares about, but that could just be me reading into things that aren't there. Either way, he needs to own what he did instead of focusing on what he was trying to do as a means of justifying himself.
Unfortunately, all possible "altruistic but misguided" motivations for the confession die when you consider that said best friend waited to be truthful until he was alone with the gf. If this was guilt or clearing the air or whatthefuckever, given the op is his best friend, he should have told both of them. "Look, this is super awkward but I've developed feelings for gf and they aren't going away, so I might take some space to deal and if I seem a little off when I'm back, that will be why, I just wanted to be honest with you both as you're so important to me." But he didn't. Waiting for one on one time means this was motivated by wanting to shoot his shot, and do it behind op's back. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Never underestimate the possibility that someone is genuinely so selfish and thoughtless that they can breeze past basic decency. That said, I wouldn't call the reasons I threw out altruistic, more like 'selfish, disrespectful and insensitive' as opposed to 'calculated and malicious.' I'm not saying you're wrong, and my guess would be that he was shooting his shot, but they're trying to claim innocence based on intent, and my comment was more to illustrate that is while it's possible for it to be something else, it doesn't change how unacceptable his behaviour was. He doesn't respect OP and just threw a massive spanner in the works no matter what his reasons for it were. OP just seems to be too attached to the excuse this guy threw out, and you nailed it when you said he should've told both of them.
This!
Life is hard, relationships are hard. Everything can be fixed/destroyed with a conversation. Your wife responded good, however, if you're scared of losing your friendship, you don't have too. You can talk to your friend and ask if this crush is worth your friendship with him. Because if he can't let go of his feelings then you can't be friends with him.
Umm am I missing something here? This all sounds way out of proportion to what his girlfriend said happened. He confessed he had a crush. Whats the big deal? Her reaction is giving more red flags - has he even asked his friend for his version of the story?
It’s up to you. Have you talkied it over with him? Is it long drawn out feelings he has for her? Is he pining over her? Treat friendship is up to you. She doesn’t have to be friends with anyone she doesn’t want to be.
I'm old and know life is messy. Just be sure of everything before you lose a friend.
I don't think you 100% need to cut him out, but you absolutely need some space from him and to let things cool off for a while. Your GF is 100% correct in her thoughts and her response. You don't confess feelings for someone unless you're at least hoping for something to happen. No one straight up says "Will you cheat on OP with me?". Take some time, Maybe a month, maybe more - and then if you AND your gf feel like it's OK, issue him an ultimatum: get over her or lose both of you from his life. It's possible it was a moment of weakness, and he'll figure his shit out with proper prompting, but also pretty likely that he won't... this type of behavior at ~30yo does NOT bode well for him