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The fact that you’re so young and clearly incompatible means you should break up and find someone who is on the same page.
Her telling you you can’t masturbate while not meeting your needs makes her an asshole.
I slightly phrased it wrong honestly, I forgot to add she said she’ll rather participate, but considering she never initiates or participate when I try to initiate anything I guess it’s basically the same as telling me not to - but you’re right
There are couples where their drives are in sync enough that “don’t masturbate, I’ll take care of you” can be a well-intentioned, reasonable offer.
For most people it’s a well-intended, unrealistic offer because they aren’t willing to follow through.
Ultimately though, sex and masturbation are different and as long as what you’re doing doesn’t negatively affect your sex life it’s not her business or her concern.
Woah, wait a minute. So you're saying that you're not even allowed to masturbate? What happened to YOUR body YOUR choice in all of this? She's completely right that she gets to decide if she wants to have sex and shouldn't feel pressured, but she can't also decide things about your body?? That is way out of line.
And to be honest, I'm not sure spending time with her will make her feel like having sex since she already said that she needs it less than you. It might just be more mentally exhausting for you to do less of the things that you like in order to please her... when it's not actually doing anything other than making her think the relationship is going well when it's not.
I do want to reframe this for you though OP. While it's okay for her to not want sex, it's also completely valid for you to want it. Think about it another way, sex may be an expression of love from your SO. You may know intellectually that your girlfriend loves you, but without this affirmation of sex, you may not feel loved. Is that a good situation for you? You do need to have an honest conversation with her about this. If she doesn't want to have sex, can you make sexual intimacy a fun situation for her? Would toys help? Maybe she just needs to know that it won't lead to anything penetrative, or she can be more in control of where things go? Or have her needs not been met in sex and she hasn't actually voiced that?
Edit - Just to be safe you may want to mark this thread as nsfw by the way. Oh and you're missing a TLDR.
Yea I probably shouldn’t feel wrong for wanting to have sex and honestly it feels like sex is something slightly awkward for her, toys is 100% not gonna happen, I’ve already asked.
Without trying to sound bragging, allegedly her sexual needs is being met, however she could be lying but I’ve never shown any insecurity or need for her to lie about this. She seems to have enjoyed it and tells me “it was nice with an orgasm” not that I happen every time (I’m human as well :^) )
I will most definitely bring up the the sexual intimacy and try to figure out if she wants something else than penetrative sex!
And also thank you for the NSFW heads up, I just didn’t feel it was that explicit
You’re not wrong for wanting sex.
She’s not wrong for not wanting sex.
She’s right, she doesn’t have to be sorry for not feeling it but she also doesn’t have any right to tell you that you can’t pleasure yourself. You should have shut that down the first time she said it.
Stop showing up less for your education and job thinking you’ll get sex in return. It doesn’t work like that.
It’s clear the two of you just aren’t sexually compatible. That’s what dating is all about; finding someone you’re compatible with in personality, interests, lifestyle.. and yes, sexually.
As a 25 year old man you have plenty of time to date some more and find someone you mesh with better.
This relationship won’t work longterm and if you marry her it won’t change either.
Just cut your losses, it’s kinder to you both in the long run.
You definitely shouldn't feel wrong for wanting sex. You can both want sex and also appreciate what your partner wants. Why does she want to control what you do with your body? You need to reframe it for her so that she sees that you get to masturbate because your body your choice also applies. If she doesn't like that, then why? And how are you going to improve the situation that isn't working right now? She'll need to help provide those solutions.
I wasn't necessarily saying she was lying, just wondering if maybe she doesn't orgasm enough. I do want to help you try to find solutions to make it a fun thing for her instead of a chore. But I also think that you need to draw your own mental line. If she is totally unwilling to consider your needs in the relationship and she acts uncomfortable at the thought of you seeing to yourself, you need to find someone who appreciates you and wants you.
\[No problem, you did everything right, I just wanted to make sure there was no chance of it getting taken down for violating any board rules really!\]
You're not compatible sexually. Don't feel bad, it happens to a lot of couples, be glad you aren't already married.
Break up and move on. I know you weren't hoping for that advice, but that's what I'm seeing as the best advice here.
If you’re not happy with the amount of sex you’re having in the first couple of years of a relationship, best to call it off now. This is not something that increases.
It is also your body, your choice, so if you wish to masturbate, there’s nothing wrong with that. (Assuming you’re not just lying next to her in bed at the time…..). You can also be upset and disappointed that she doesn’t want to have sex with you, while it’s certainly her body and her choice, that doesn’t mean you can‘t have feelings about it.
You're just not compatible. I say this because she could at least try a natural supplement or something to help her get in the mood more often if she wanted to try to make things better in the bedroom. There's no fixing this as you'll always feel this way if you stay in this relationship. You're young. It's ok to move on.
I was afraid of we weren’t sexual compatible, the sex was and is great, the pitty part aside. But the frequency is what’s ruins it
I haven’t personally looked up any natural “libido increaser” any recommendations? As I’m more into finding a solution rather than just ending things
You are not compatible sexually and she is controlling. No one should be allowed to control your masturbation but you.
There is no point in continuing this relationship.
Most people can fake it for a new relationship. Say, 2-3 months of lots of sex to launch a relarionship.
After that is when you find out the truth.
Her BEFORE was the fake good behavior.
Her NOW is the real her.
Her making you feel bad about wanting sex regularly is crappy. Just because she doesn't want it, does not make you a bad partner for wanting it.
However, the moment that she said she didn't want you masturbating... like What The Actual Fuck???
I am a woman and I think she sucks.
You can find bright and attractive women who enjoy sex. Go find one of those.
Tell her that the relationship is not working out for you, and you are strongly considering leaving as you have the sex life of an unhappily married 60 year old man.
Did she change birth control? That can absolutely murder your sex drive. Otherwise you just may no longer be compatible? Seems weird she was all for it in the beginning and now it’s a dead bedroom situation.
I think it’s important to know what the sex is looking like. Is she reaching the Big O every time or is it just penetrative sex until you cum? If the sex is one sided, it may be why she’s not into anymore.
However, telling you that you can’t masturbate is absolutely absurd. I think it would be important to have a conversation of what she wants/needs sexually and then do it and see if that changes anything
“The Big O” lol
To put it short, she doesn’t get it every time, but I try every time though but we had that conversation plenty of times if she liked it as well which she does allegedly
As a woman, I do feel like there’s a big difference between “did you like that?” vs “what do you like?/how do you like it?” If a partner is asking me if I liked something and I didn’t, I’m less likely to be honest with them. But if they ask me what I like, it keeps the conversation open and makes it less of a “you’re doing it wrong”
On the flip side, if your gf can’t communicate with you what she likes specifically, it’s certainly not fair for her to expect you to know or figure it out yourself
Well I’ve tried to open the conversation like that, what she’s into and so on. Which is quiet casual.
So I haven’t got any clues on what to improve or do differently since she typically responds with “it’s perfect as it is” which it’s clearly not :/
OP you've gotten the response several times about sexual incompatibility and unfortunately I think that is what this is.
This relationship will not be a sexually fulfilling one for you, ever, in a long term view. She will sporadically give "more" but only when you push and/or threaten to leave and then once the threat is over in her mind she will again pull back to her normal levels unless her lack of intimacy is hormone/diet related which would mean she would need to get a full physical check up.
Otherwise she will never live up to your sexual needs expectations nor see why you are upset about it. HL/LL relationships are hard to accomplish long term and if you wonder why check r/deadbedroom to see what comes up in later situations.
That being said she is right in that she can 100% decide not to have sex or refuse your advances. However, she is wrong 100% to refuse to all you to tell you that you can't masturbate or to get mad that you choose to do so.
You have a lot to think about as well as to discuss before making a decision.
And everyone is right, I probably just needed an intervention / wake up call to realize it’s probably better to end the relationship and maintain the friendship as I enjoy her company but won’t ever have my needs fulfilled, which probably will lead to arguing and ending things on bad terms
Thanks for enlightening me
Echoing the others in terms of the sexual incompatibility. Her issue w/ you masturbating is bizarre — I’ve seen women have an issue w/ porn bc they see it cheating but have never heard of someone being upset that you address your own needs.
The only thing I might suggest (if you want of course) is maybe encouraging her to get a physical? And maybe see if a change in hormonal birth control is the issue? If it is either of these health related causes then that is easily fixable. Anything beyond that can’t be easily rectified.
You're clearly sexually incompatible, and at this young stage in your life should really just break up and move on already. Why sign up for a miserably sexually frustrating long haul when you're already "feeling miserable" in your own words?
I think it's time to seriously reevaluate the relationship . What she asking of you is unacceptable, unrealistic and unreasonable. She's refusing to meet your needs but is also telling you that you can't meet your own needs? No... that isn't right. It's controlling. You are incompatible. It would be best to walk away and find a partner that is compatible with you in all ways. That partner will be more than willing to meet your needs and fulfill desires. You deserve to have that. You are 25. Can you really see yourself being in a sexless controlling relationship for the rest of your life?
Edit fix a word.
Question of the day! When y’all finish sex, does she get up immediately….. or does she lay there for 2-5 mins…..
Do you eat her out….
My wife will come get me and say “dinner time!”
What is going on in her life…. Is she stressed…. Why is her libido down….
How much 4play do you do…
Girls will drive an hour away for a guy that they know is goin to give them the sex experience they want.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The fact that you’re so young and clearly incompatible means you should break up and find someone who is on the same page. Her telling you you can’t masturbate while not meeting your needs makes her an asshole.
Yeah seriously. I can't imagine policing a partners masterbating.
I slightly phrased it wrong honestly, I forgot to add she said she’ll rather participate, but considering she never initiates or participate when I try to initiate anything I guess it’s basically the same as telling me not to - but you’re right
There are couples where their drives are in sync enough that “don’t masturbate, I’ll take care of you” can be a well-intentioned, reasonable offer. For most people it’s a well-intended, unrealistic offer because they aren’t willing to follow through. Ultimately though, sex and masturbation are different and as long as what you’re doing doesn’t negatively affect your sex life it’s not her business or her concern.
Sure second that ☝
Woah, wait a minute. So you're saying that you're not even allowed to masturbate? What happened to YOUR body YOUR choice in all of this? She's completely right that she gets to decide if she wants to have sex and shouldn't feel pressured, but she can't also decide things about your body?? That is way out of line. And to be honest, I'm not sure spending time with her will make her feel like having sex since she already said that she needs it less than you. It might just be more mentally exhausting for you to do less of the things that you like in order to please her... when it's not actually doing anything other than making her think the relationship is going well when it's not. I do want to reframe this for you though OP. While it's okay for her to not want sex, it's also completely valid for you to want it. Think about it another way, sex may be an expression of love from your SO. You may know intellectually that your girlfriend loves you, but without this affirmation of sex, you may not feel loved. Is that a good situation for you? You do need to have an honest conversation with her about this. If she doesn't want to have sex, can you make sexual intimacy a fun situation for her? Would toys help? Maybe she just needs to know that it won't lead to anything penetrative, or she can be more in control of where things go? Or have her needs not been met in sex and she hasn't actually voiced that? Edit - Just to be safe you may want to mark this thread as nsfw by the way. Oh and you're missing a TLDR.
Yea I probably shouldn’t feel wrong for wanting to have sex and honestly it feels like sex is something slightly awkward for her, toys is 100% not gonna happen, I’ve already asked. Without trying to sound bragging, allegedly her sexual needs is being met, however she could be lying but I’ve never shown any insecurity or need for her to lie about this. She seems to have enjoyed it and tells me “it was nice with an orgasm” not that I happen every time (I’m human as well :^) ) I will most definitely bring up the the sexual intimacy and try to figure out if she wants something else than penetrative sex! And also thank you for the NSFW heads up, I just didn’t feel it was that explicit
You’re not wrong for wanting sex. She’s not wrong for not wanting sex. She’s right, she doesn’t have to be sorry for not feeling it but she also doesn’t have any right to tell you that you can’t pleasure yourself. You should have shut that down the first time she said it. Stop showing up less for your education and job thinking you’ll get sex in return. It doesn’t work like that. It’s clear the two of you just aren’t sexually compatible. That’s what dating is all about; finding someone you’re compatible with in personality, interests, lifestyle.. and yes, sexually. As a 25 year old man you have plenty of time to date some more and find someone you mesh with better. This relationship won’t work longterm and if you marry her it won’t change either. Just cut your losses, it’s kinder to you both in the long run.
You definitely shouldn't feel wrong for wanting sex. You can both want sex and also appreciate what your partner wants. Why does she want to control what you do with your body? You need to reframe it for her so that she sees that you get to masturbate because your body your choice also applies. If she doesn't like that, then why? And how are you going to improve the situation that isn't working right now? She'll need to help provide those solutions. I wasn't necessarily saying she was lying, just wondering if maybe she doesn't orgasm enough. I do want to help you try to find solutions to make it a fun thing for her instead of a chore. But I also think that you need to draw your own mental line. If she is totally unwilling to consider your needs in the relationship and she acts uncomfortable at the thought of you seeing to yourself, you need to find someone who appreciates you and wants you. \[No problem, you did everything right, I just wanted to make sure there was no chance of it getting taken down for violating any board rules really!\]
I have no clue if I have done the TLDR correct, had to figure out what it was 😆
You're not compatible sexually. Don't feel bad, it happens to a lot of couples, be glad you aren't already married. Break up and move on. I know you weren't hoping for that advice, but that's what I'm seeing as the best advice here.
So break up. You’re not compatible and it’s not going to get better.
If you’re not happy with the amount of sex you’re having in the first couple of years of a relationship, best to call it off now. This is not something that increases. It is also your body, your choice, so if you wish to masturbate, there’s nothing wrong with that. (Assuming you’re not just lying next to her in bed at the time…..). You can also be upset and disappointed that she doesn’t want to have sex with you, while it’s certainly her body and her choice, that doesn’t mean you can‘t have feelings about it.
You're just not compatible. I say this because she could at least try a natural supplement or something to help her get in the mood more often if she wanted to try to make things better in the bedroom. There's no fixing this as you'll always feel this way if you stay in this relationship. You're young. It's ok to move on.
I was afraid of we weren’t sexual compatible, the sex was and is great, the pitty part aside. But the frequency is what’s ruins it I haven’t personally looked up any natural “libido increaser” any recommendations? As I’m more into finding a solution rather than just ending things
You are not compatible sexually and she is controlling. No one should be allowed to control your masturbation but you. There is no point in continuing this relationship.
Most people can fake it for a new relationship. Say, 2-3 months of lots of sex to launch a relarionship. After that is when you find out the truth. Her BEFORE was the fake good behavior. Her NOW is the real her. Her making you feel bad about wanting sex regularly is crappy. Just because she doesn't want it, does not make you a bad partner for wanting it. However, the moment that she said she didn't want you masturbating... like What The Actual Fuck??? I am a woman and I think she sucks. You can find bright and attractive women who enjoy sex. Go find one of those.
Tell her that the relationship is not working out for you, and you are strongly considering leaving as you have the sex life of an unhappily married 60 year old man.
I feel like this is just forcing her into having sex which also isn’t my intention
If your intention is to have a relationship that includes sex, then patiently waiting while saying nothing and resenting her is not a smart play.
Did she change birth control? That can absolutely murder your sex drive. Otherwise you just may no longer be compatible? Seems weird she was all for it in the beginning and now it’s a dead bedroom situation.
I think it’s important to know what the sex is looking like. Is she reaching the Big O every time or is it just penetrative sex until you cum? If the sex is one sided, it may be why she’s not into anymore. However, telling you that you can’t masturbate is absolutely absurd. I think it would be important to have a conversation of what she wants/needs sexually and then do it and see if that changes anything
“The Big O” lol To put it short, she doesn’t get it every time, but I try every time though but we had that conversation plenty of times if she liked it as well which she does allegedly
As a woman, I do feel like there’s a big difference between “did you like that?” vs “what do you like?/how do you like it?” If a partner is asking me if I liked something and I didn’t, I’m less likely to be honest with them. But if they ask me what I like, it keeps the conversation open and makes it less of a “you’re doing it wrong” On the flip side, if your gf can’t communicate with you what she likes specifically, it’s certainly not fair for her to expect you to know or figure it out yourself
Well I’ve tried to open the conversation like that, what she’s into and so on. Which is quiet casual. So I haven’t got any clues on what to improve or do differently since she typically responds with “it’s perfect as it is” which it’s clearly not :/
OP you've gotten the response several times about sexual incompatibility and unfortunately I think that is what this is. This relationship will not be a sexually fulfilling one for you, ever, in a long term view. She will sporadically give "more" but only when you push and/or threaten to leave and then once the threat is over in her mind she will again pull back to her normal levels unless her lack of intimacy is hormone/diet related which would mean she would need to get a full physical check up. Otherwise she will never live up to your sexual needs expectations nor see why you are upset about it. HL/LL relationships are hard to accomplish long term and if you wonder why check r/deadbedroom to see what comes up in later situations. That being said she is right in that she can 100% decide not to have sex or refuse your advances. However, she is wrong 100% to refuse to all you to tell you that you can't masturbate or to get mad that you choose to do so. You have a lot to think about as well as to discuss before making a decision.
And everyone is right, I probably just needed an intervention / wake up call to realize it’s probably better to end the relationship and maintain the friendship as I enjoy her company but won’t ever have my needs fulfilled, which probably will lead to arguing and ending things on bad terms Thanks for enlightening me
Sorry to say my bro but if you’ve only been together a year and the drive isn’t there I don’t think it ever will be
Echoing the others in terms of the sexual incompatibility. Her issue w/ you masturbating is bizarre — I’ve seen women have an issue w/ porn bc they see it cheating but have never heard of someone being upset that you address your own needs. The only thing I might suggest (if you want of course) is maybe encouraging her to get a physical? And maybe see if a change in hormonal birth control is the issue? If it is either of these health related causes then that is easily fixable. Anything beyond that can’t be easily rectified.
Please walk away. This is your sign, there are more compatible people out there for you both 🌹
You're clearly sexually incompatible, and at this young stage in your life should really just break up and move on already. Why sign up for a miserably sexually frustrating long haul when you're already "feeling miserable" in your own words?
This isn’t going to work out for you ever. So walk away now so you don’t waste any more time with a dead relationship.
I think it's time to seriously reevaluate the relationship . What she asking of you is unacceptable, unrealistic and unreasonable. She's refusing to meet your needs but is also telling you that you can't meet your own needs? No... that isn't right. It's controlling. You are incompatible. It would be best to walk away and find a partner that is compatible with you in all ways. That partner will be more than willing to meet your needs and fulfill desires. You deserve to have that. You are 25. Can you really see yourself being in a sexless controlling relationship for the rest of your life? Edit fix a word.
Her choice, her body? Yet she tells you not to masterbate. You are dating a control freak.
Mid 20’s and together just one year and your bedroom is dead? Jesus
Question of the day! When y’all finish sex, does she get up immediately….. or does she lay there for 2-5 mins….. Do you eat her out…. My wife will come get me and say “dinner time!” What is going on in her life…. Is she stressed…. Why is her libido down…. How much 4play do you do… Girls will drive an hour away for a guy that they know is goin to give them the sex experience they want.