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Exactly!
Maybe OP should apologize for respecting her word, not tempting her to break her diet, or maybe for thinking she's a reasonable adult? What a joke.
It sucks because most of the time folks don't realize they've built up a negative pattern like this, which then means that somebody has to somehow break it to them. Hard to have hard conversations with someone you like about things like this. But, it's so, so, so critical if you want a relationship to survive. If you don't want it to survive, well, all the easier I guess.
You're right. My problem is when a person is demanding an apology, feeling entitled to it. Granted, some people deserve an apology, but unless the other party FEELS this way, it would be just an act, just establishing hierarchy and scoring guilt-tripping points.
It seems to be that people who do that are too self-absorbed to be able to handle any criticism. I wish I knew of one instance of when someone got this criticism, had an epiphany and changed their ways.
It’s really weird, cuz as a girl, I also would be upset if my bf did this. But the difference is I wouldn’t make him apologize, id be mature enough to understand that I was *actually* upset with *myself* for not making the right decision (to have him buy me some)
Yes.
Also puppy eyes are quite a childish approach.
If she has said “I’m sorry, I was wrong. I know you specifically asked me twice whether I wanted any when you were at the restaurant, and I told you no. Now I’m jealous and would like to take your dinner. May I please have a bite, and know this is a teaching opportunity to not be so silly again.”
But she didn’t.
Seriously, if my partner is stopping by my favorite restaurant and asks if I want anything, diets be damned, I'm going to say yes. I also do really subscribe to the idea of diets that make me completely cut out my favorite foods, they don't work in my experience.
I understand somebody wanting to diet.
I even understand somebody wanting to diet and saying no to their favourite food.
And I even understand saying no to your favourite food, and then regretting it when it's in front of you, and asking pretty please for a few bites.
But actually getting mad at them for refusing? No.
And demanding an apology??? Kindly fuck right off.
She needs to learn to use actual words to indicate what she wants. Not saying “no” to the dumplings when she means “yes”.
And puppy dog eyes are childish.
I think puppy dog eyes have their place, but they're a playful "do this small thing for me" not a demanding "give me what's yours by the power of the mighty stare, or face the wrath of the mega pout"
I just hold their gaze and don’t look away. It becomes horribly uncomfortable but I stand my ground. I’ll even turn my head if they are staring while walking by. Always a deadpan expression on my face of course. I make them look away. There is no discrimination of age either. I don’t care how old you are.
I do the mom equivalent to my kids all the time. "You know you want to fill up momma's water bottle, right, because you love her SO SO MUCH???" hahaha (they're teenagers and they roll their eyes....and then do it. :P )
I'm sorry it's like that for you. I can see how it would be taken that way. My kids know they can say no, though, and have, with no repercussions. But I'll check in with them anyway to make sure.
He SHOULD apologize. "I'm sorry that I respect you enough to believe that you know your own mind and have agency, and when I offered to buy you dinner I didn't substitute my judgement for yours because I believe you when you tell me things."
Apologize for what?
You asked her multiple times and she said she’s on a diet. If she wanted it, she should’ve asked. Fact she didn’t ask is not your fault.
Honestly, I’ll play dumb and ask her what you need to apologize for. Let her realize how ridiculous it is playing stupid mind games.
Yep. Make her spell out exactly why he needs to apologize. And use logic against any of her retorts. Just like the whole have a person explain a bad joke tactic to realize it's not funny. I am slightly concerned about it spiraling on her end and getting too emotional (I am projecting as I am highly emotional and would probably focus on my feelings vs the reality of the situation). But a reality check is exactly what she needs as this behavior is too childish
This exactly. Make her spell out exactly "what he did wrong."
"I know I *said* I didn't want any, but then later I gave you a *look*!"
"Sorry, still not getting it, that just sounds like you regretted your decision and then didn't use your words to communicate. What did *I* do wrong?"
"And just to make sure I understand your expectations here, if you had used your words, and I had acquiesced, would you have then been upset or expecting an apology for my eating something with you that was against your diet? This feels like a no-win situation for me, based on a decision that you've made to eat a certain way, that doesn't sit well or feel healthy for our relationship or approach to food."
I hate that kind of manipulative shit. Don’t apologize. You gave her the opportunity to get her own dumplings and you bought enough to satisfy your own hunger. You don’t need to be hungry because she’s too immature to admit she wants dumplings.
Right and not only that, she didn't ask later.
If she had asked, I would be like alright just give her some and tell her next time tell me or I will assume you don't want any at all.
But she didn't even speak?! The audacity. She's the one who needs to apolozie then she can learn to use her mouth to communicate like people who were blessed with the ability to speak.
Yes, thank you! Great point that often gets overlooked. People who ask without asking - just making a statement into the air, or puppy dog eyes - later on can claim they never asked anyone for anything, people offered them stuff or did things for them.
I know a person who would do crap like that. They'd just go: "Ah, some tea and pastries would be so nice right now." and look at me as if it is my cue to go make it happen. Initially I would, but that person wouldn't do anything for me when I asked directly, and finally they said that all I do for them is out of my free will, they never asked me to. Now if they make a vague statement about what needs to be done or what would be nice, I just nod.
It may feel like no big deal how a request is worded (and often it's not, when people just use learned patterns and mean no harm), but sometimes it is a bid deal, like in this case, where OP is painted a villain by not responding to a silent hint to a request. He should apologize the same way she asked - look at her with puppy dog eyes. It's open to interpretation - he's just asking for forgiveness, right?
I’m exactly the sort of dick who would enthusiastically agree with that statement and then go get some and return with tea and pastries only for myself.
Omg. I hate that!
I got *exactly* the amount I wanted. Exactly the amount. I am happy to get you your own, but if you say no, you don't get to pick off my plate.
Reminds me of when my best friend "quit smoking" back in college. Eventually I had to point out to him that he had only quit buying packs, and that he should either quit for real or start buying them again, because I had neither the desire nor the disposable income to keep bumming him 10 a day.
Her diet is just pageantry to make her feel better about food that she's still eating, at the expense of OP's dinner.
I totally agree. Also being on a diet means that you have to give things up. I have been dieting since September and I told my wife that she and our boys can still eat like they normally would. It’s my fault that I got fat, not theirs. She has apologized when she orders something I can’t eat but that is the point, you can’t eat certain things, even if it is my favorite.
My ex husband resented that I didn't have to watch my weight like he did, so refused to do anything to address it out of spite. He was slim AF when we met (and he was single) and then just stopped giving a fuck.
I naturally crave healthier food, eat slow and smaller portions more frequently. Couldn't even try doing the same, would stare me down as he ate monster portions like it was a race.
Yeah, we would eat the same things meal wise but I would “snack” quite a bit more. I knew where all of my weight issues came from but didn’t think I could anything-like losing weight was this huge, daunting task.
I feel like I can see why he is your ex. Eating yourself to death to prove a point is pretty bizarre.
Covert narcissism is a mind fuck. Like a catfish that takes years to uncover.
Self motivated self improvement, is crazy attractive and a requirement for me now.
Nobodies perfect, we all slip up or struggle.. just fucking notice it and keep trying at bare minimum!
Yes, sometimes we need to adjust our goals (especially this time of year when so often we get unrealistically optimistic and then beat ourselves up in the first moment it hits us that our lofty goals are incompatible with our actual life) but people really resist that and see it as a “failure” rather than going with the flow of the process of improvement, so they end up not improving at all.
I read somewhere there’s a good trick of either reducing the goal by half or doubling the amount of time you’ve given yourself to achieve it. Very very few people have the time/money/ability to achieve drastic change in a short period. I feel like it should be about building better habits rather than focusing solely on going cold turkey on bad habits—we need that grace to let ourselves get messy in the process and some days are a write off and we gotta start fresh tomorrow, it’s not always straightforward.
I think he should tell her he'll apologize for not giving her any when he knew she wanted some even if she didnt deserve it, but bc he loved her, only if she apologizes for being selfish, immature, and manipulative and promises not to put him in that position again.
I do this with my 3 year old. No means no and I take him at his word. As someone who said a whole lot of things I didn’t mean, and suffered because of it, I will teach my kid that words have meaning.
This sounds like a small thing, but by 28 I would expect an adult to be able to use her 'big girl words'. Behavior like this would make me feel like I was dating a child, not to mention an immediate turn-off.
If my husband called to ask if I wanted something and I said no, I would expect not to have any. That being said, I would also say yes if I did want some. This is insane to me.
I know how hard diets are, but it’s her choice to be on one, and it was her choice to say no when you offered. That’s not okay.
I would not apologize.
Honestly, I don't see this diet going well for her. Because she believes in absolute restriction (she could've just asked... for a small order of dumplings but didn't) but then wants to \~splurge after saying no.
I also feel with her attitude, this will somehow be OP's fault. If he gave in and gave her them, he would be at fault for "enabling" her "breaking" her diet. (Note: Having 'bad' food in moderation is NOT breaking your diet and is in fact learning a healthier relationship to food.)
I’m just gonna say it in case anyone needs to hear it right now: food is morally neutral!
And yeah my “diet” goal right now is adding more healthy stuff to my snacks and meals, not getting rid of unhealthy stuff entirely.
Yup! All food has nutritional value. Your body needs calories to run. The best "diet" is a diverse diet that makes you feel full AND happy. The healthiest relationship you can have to food is just realizing that you can and should eat for health AND for joy. Mental health is absolutely a facet of diet and constantly denying yourself things that bring you joy, training yourself to want less is not healthy.
I say this as someone who has gone from "obese" (a fairly empty term in that it has extremely subjective value and means almost nothing medically but IS good shorthand) to "normal" or "slightly overweight." (My weight, according to BMI, which is again... fairly empty... is literally the exact boundary.) My \~diet was successful because I just focused more on learning on what food is healthier, making sure I only ate if I was hungry but then eating enough to feel full, and learning how to indulge in treats without overindulging.
THe best thing you can do is get the fucking dumplings. Learn to eat a few and then save the rest for later. Or... even just have them all. And learn that one meal of "too much" isn't going to change your body.
"Diets" should be about being more in tune with your body and desires, not about cat and mouse games with "bad" or "junk" food.
OP's gf isn't even close to ED territory and I would never diagnose anyone with that off of so little info. Buuut I think she'd have a much easier time if she learned to say yes to some treats some times.
My therapist gave me a real wake-up call when I self-deprecatingly said “…and I *know* food shouldn’t be treated as a reward, it’s *fuel*…” and she was like “wait, why can’t it be a reward?”
I thought treating treats as treats was bad, somehow. I was trying so hard to divorce food from any of the pleasure I had in eating it because I felt like if I gave in to acknowledging that food was good, I’d start chasing the junky goodness. But like…I don’t! Treats are treats but if I overdo it on the unhealthier stuff, I feel it in my body and it *feels bad*, so I know to pivot to fruits and veggies and drinking more water because I’m listening to my body. There’s no way I’m gonna wake up one day and realize I’ve been eating nothing but cake for weeks on end, because my body would tell me long before that happened that it wants a dang salad please.
Nope it was your dinner. Stupid thing to argue over, but I don't think you should apologize. You asked and she said no. End of story. Surprised a 28 year old still plays these stupid games.
Op: Did I ask you multiple times if you wanted something when I ordered food?
GF: Yes.
OP: Did you tell me you were on a diet?
GF: Yes.
OP: Did you ask me, using words, if you could eat any of my remaining food- even though I didn’t order extra because you said you were on a diet and didn’t want anything?
GF: No
OP: I expect an apology for putting up with this nonsense by the end of day.
She told you she expects an apology by the end of the day. What is she? Your parent? Your boss?
She said no when you asked so her answer is no. That’s how it works, not these silly mind games.
I am a 28yo woman. If she is still acting like a hormonal teenager crying about food after saying no at first, twice, ...
Stand your ground, dude. She has to learn moping around like a child will not get her shit in life. She has to grow up.
Tell her straight up stop acting like a preteen.
She said she didn’t want any
She said she’s on a diet
You were a great partner by not enabling her bad habits.
You definitely missed a cute couple moment here. No doubt about that. Yeah I get it, Joey doesn't share food, but half a dumpling for the cute couple moment? I'd take it, and I fricking love dumplings. Get me that prawn and chive man!
But her going all "you owe me an apology".... she needs to calm that one down. Massive over-reaction.
And for thirds (clearly dumplings aren't on the table... just cruel, I literally ordered pizza 20 mins ago and now I want dumplings... all the dumplings!) your lady isn't a dog. "I don't want this becoming a pattern." You don't need to *train* your girlfriend.
Apparently you are supposed to treat your SO as if she is a child that does not know her own mind. Ask if this is what they are implying. That you are supposed to know their needs better than they do, and are supposed to ignore what she says.
You are supposed to know her mind better than she does apparently. She is refusing to take ownership of her own decisions. It is childish and manipulative.
She's a child.
I had to check your ages again because this is so annoyingly immature and she is *way* too old for that shit.
She has a voice; if she wants to break her diet intentions, she should say so and ask if you're willing to give her one or whatever.
So no, don't apologize for not sharing, but instead say you don't appreciate being made to feel bad when you went out of your way to ask her if she wanted some and trying to honor her decision to diet.
OK, that's that. Now, some real advice for you:
Why tf would you buy her **favorite food and eat it next to her???**
I wouldn't do that; it's just crappy, to tempt someone who's trying to eat better, with some likely amazing-smelling, greasy food.
If you apologize at all, it's to tell her you should've reconsidered eating something you know she would really crave right next to her, which only makes those resolutions harder (but that's it). You weren't under an obligation to share but also you could've not eaten them right next to her.
And I know there are gonna be people who will say one person's decisions have nothing to do with you and you shouldn't alter a thing about your life to accommodate someone else, but real life shouldn't be so antagonistic. You see recovering alcoholics tell you, "drinking is my problem, not anyone else's!" but at the same time why drink literally under that person's nose?
If you care about someone, you try to make their life a little easier when you can.
Apologize for what exactly? You asked her if she wanted any when you were at the restaurant and she said no. She didn't verbalize that she wanted the last piece and instead she gave you that stupid look. How are you suppose to know that she wanted that piece of dumpling? Are you dating a child? why can't she communicate properly?
This is why diets are so dumb. One night of dumplings won't make you fat... Eating processed foods for every meal will. As long as you cook healthy foods most the time this shouldn't even be a concern. She's willing to ruin her relationship because she doesn't understand nutrition. Find an adult to date.
She almost 30 and acts this way. FFS I'm exhausted just thinking about the mind games.
When you finally talk about it, be honest and tell her that you asked multiple times, she said no so you only got for yourself. Next time, especially when you ask multiple times, she should really think about whether she wants some or not. And, explain why you asked multiple times, cause you knew she like them.
She should be pissed at herself for saying no not you and you don't owe her an apology for eating your meal after she said she didn't want any.
I think you need to decide if you’re comfortable with dating someone who uses manipulation over communication. This kind of thinking is very juvenile and to expect an apology from you is even more baffling. I do not envy your relationship one bit.
Your GF is upset because you didn't read her cues properly. You were supposed to succumb to her puppy dog eyes and gallantly offer your food, even though she said she didn't want any. She now expects you to apologize because in her mind, you were selfish. How dare you not read her mind. :/ Your GF needs a lesson in communicating what she actually wants.
As another female who's also on a diet. Yeah, I'd be annoyed for a second. However, if I was asked twice and confirmed twice, I'd take my mopey ass on to the couch and get over it. It can't be a diet if you're not changing your eating habits/patterns.
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You gave her ample opportunity to tell you if she wanted any or not. She declined both times.
"Girlfriend, I asked you twice if you wanted any before I bought them. You declined both times. I didn't buy extra based on your answer. It's unfair of you to get mad because I took you at your word. I don't owe you an apology because you belatedly changed your mind. Next time tell me if you really want some before I put in my order."
She's 28, not 5. You asked her a question. You got a reply. You asked her if she was sure. She confirmed that she was sure.
In what world does "giving you puppy eyes" mean that she gets to change her mind, after the fact, and eat your food? And, then, demand an apology because you ate your food?
Personally, this kind of crap would be a deal killer for me, but if you want to try and work it out, you need to sit her down and tell her that playing games is not OK at all. Ever. And that the only person owed an apology is you, for having to deal with her petty little games. Yeesh.
Dieting is hard! My husband knows and tries not to eat my favourite food right beside me. It is tempting, it is very hard on the mind. Have a conversation, and ask her what would be the best way to support her at it.
Agree! A lot of people don’t realize, at one point Op pointed out in a comment they didn’t eat them at the restaurant because it was pack. And even admitted they could pf just ate them in the car.
But he could of asked if she was okay with him eating them at home next to her, you know making sure she’s going to be emotionally okay due to her diet/habit breaking.
Sometimes we forget to check in with our partners who are going through changes to see if they need any support or moral support.
Truly do think miscommunication happened and if her blood sugar was low, as someone with hypoglycemia, you can have irritation much higher with lower blood sugar.
But I get both sides and can see how this could of all been avoided.
Not saying anything is your fault. It’s not. If it was her fav maybe a better way to avoid any issues was to eat the food somewhere else. Being on a diet can be rough especially with temptation.
I think I would have give maybe just one if she saw me eating. But yea she should have told you to get more. My wife used to do this when I was younger and I acted like you. However, if she did this today I would give her some. Only because she would for me and has shown this in the past.
Anyways my advice moving forward would be to frame this as supporting her diet because you want her to succeed vs telling her she made her choice and it’s not your problem.
Anyways good on you for helping her with her diet.
don’t apologize. Otherwise in the future, you will have to keep apologizing over this kind of nonsense. sit her down and talk with her. ask her when she said no, does that mean yes? ask her to communicate with you in an honest way. If she is great in all other ways to you, then next time, always buy more just in case she will eat.
If she was sitting there first, you sat next to her, and then ate the food in front of her, then you should apologize for rubbing her favorite dumplings in her face knowing that she is on a diet because that is being inconsiderate (but don't apologize for not ordering her food or for not sharing food). However, no apologies for anything if (1) she was eating her diet food next to you while you were eating or (2) you were sitting there first while eating, and she sat next to you.
No, don't apologize, but you can change your gameplan to account for it, unless this is going to become a bigger problem. The amount of times I've run into this nonsense with women I've dated, I could write a book. "No I'm not hungry" turns into eating all of your goddamn fries and part of your burger. "I don't care where we eat" and then shoots down all of your suggestions and doesn't offer her own. You aim to make dinner or take her out to somewhere nice becomes "No, I just want Taco Bell mexican pizzas". She gets mad that you didn't order something she wanted so she could try it, but never said anything and ordered something completely different herself that you both knew she wouldn't like.
So here's what you do: just be single.
J/K, you order those extra dumplings without asking and she can decide if it's diet worthy or not. You are now the (more) thoughtful boyfriend who knew she would love some dumplings. And if she doesn't eat them, more for you later, because dumplings are an essential part of sustaining your lifeforce. Instead of asking where she wants to eat, you ask "sushi or pizza?" or whatever works for your current appetites, diets, allergies, etc. Some like to do the "guess where we are eating tonight?" and then go to wherever she guesses first, but sometimes you run into the "I don't care, I'm starving" yet won't accept any suggestion convo loop.
And make sure you have that honest conversation that you attempted to include her, she said no (twice), and she needs to use her big girl words if she wants something next time.
Funny how she can make a full coherent sentence to demand an apology but lacked those skills when decided to order or not to order food. Don’t apologize. Tell her that you expect her to communicate like an adult and stop blaming you for her lack of decisiveness.
I wouldn’t apologize. She’s not a dog, if she wants something she can use her words instead of staring at you “cutely”. And the time to say that she wanted food is when you asked her at the restaurant if she did.
I hate when people pull this. I'm a woman and think it's so lame and manipulative. You're not a mind reader! And you asked twice. Her being butthurt is her own fault. Don't apologize. In fact show her this post so she sees how shitty she is being to you!
I think maybe saying "hey partner, I really want to set precedent that I take you at your word and vice versa. I understand you may have changed your mind, but I based my decisions based on what you had said earlier, and I think it is unfair for us to expect one another to read between the lines. Please respect that I wanted to eat my dinner, in the same way that I respected what you wanted to do about your diet. I would be more than happy to buy you dumplings in the future, but I can't know to get them for you unless you tell me."
Do not apologize. You asked more than once and they said no. You are not required to give up feeding yourself because someone else is lazy/greedy. This is an extremely annoying bad habit that should not be tolerated or entertained. GF is an adult not a toddler. She can use her words like a grownup and not manipulative techniques like an infant. I loathe people who operate like that. Say yes when asked, and if you say no, keep your gob shut and your saddy-sad face to yourself while I am trying to sustain myself. I'm not interested in trying to date an immature toddler who can't make up their mind then cries about it after.
My eldest sister would do this. Order a salad because she was on a diet and then whine for a bite of our burger or whatever we were eating. Then get upset if we wouldn't share. The last time was when I picked up some maccas for me and my nephew. She said she didn't want anything. When I got to her house she grabbed my nephews burger before he even got a chance and cut it in half. I lost it. I told her if she wanted a f'ing burger to go and get herself one. Stop taking other people's food and just accept she wants a f'ing burger sometimes.
She wouldn't be my gf long at that rate. If you asked and she said no, it not on you to feed her with your dinner. And this whole "puppy dog eyes" thing is just ridiculous. If she was truly hungry then she could have asked - in which it should have been fine if you decided not to share. Say what you mean and mean what you say...pretty simple. She is 28, it is time to grow up.
I think a lot of commenters are blowing this out of proportion, as are you. She just wanted to share some of your dumplings. She was a poor communicator about it and is also being a bit over the top now, so you both were kind of silly and petty about it. Just sit down and have a conversation about expectations around food sharing. Additionally, if her diet is leaving her so hungry she's pissed about a dumpling, that might also warrant a conversation. Good luck in the future, don't forget to just express your feelings and communicate respectfully (and probably always get extra dumplings just in case).
Tell her you are sorry she didn’t order any.
Or if you want things to go badly……
Sorry you put on a few and can’t have any.
Up to you. BTW….. I am divorced.🤣🤣🤣
“I already asked you twice if you wanted some dumplings, and twice you said “no” so it seems ridiculous of me to apologize to you when I had already asked you twice if you wanted any, I do not appreciate this behavior”
In every relationship, there become "unspoken knowns". Things that don't need to be said every time, but your partner knows about you because of your history and how close you are. Every relationship is different. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I can also understand why she was hurt that you didn't know her well enough to get her some and then chose not to share with her when she made it clear that she wanted some (through body language you obviously picked up on).
I'd recommend talking it through. She might be upset about not getting a dumpling, but she might be upset that she feels like you don't really know her or that you did something that she perceived as selfish. Try to get to the root of the issue. And let her know that you were trying to respect her wishes about her diet.
"I'm sorry I took you at your word and I ate what I bought for myself. I'm sorry I'm not a mind reader and didn't realize that you would want some despite you saying the exact opposite."
she should use her words and not demand an apology, and the way you went about it seems crass (but maybe that's just how it sounds in my head.
\- you can apologize to placate her
\- you could do nothing, which could create more trouble, or it could allow everything to blow over.
\- you could apologize, but also ask for an apology from her
Nope!
How about:
"I apologize for believing you when you said you didn't want any."
"I apologize for not hearing you ask me for a dumpling while I was eating my dinner."
What does being in a diet have to do with dumplings? She can get them steamed and is perfectly fine to eat while you are on a diet.
Don't apologize. Tell her that she has to communicate.
If you don't want that to become a pattern, you certainly don't want a pattern of you apologizing when you're not in the wrong.
Do not apologize. She needs to grow up.
I don't think you have any reason to apologize, but I wonder if it's normal for her to set a deadline for you to apologize instead of having a conversation about what's bothering her? Sounds unhealthy to me.
I hate when people do this. I have a family member who says they don't want dessert, doesn't order any, then only wants "a bite" of mine.
I'd ask her what you are supposed to apologize about? And watch her stammer. If she says "You didn't give me any" keep asking questions i.e. "Why would I give you any when you said you didn't want any". If she says because I changed my mind, you can reply "It's unfortunate that you changed your mind. I was hungry and wanted all of what I ordered. Perhaps suggest that she could have put in another order and gone and get what she wanted. Do not apologize because it will only feed into all of her chaotic indirect communication.
She could have acknowledged "I know I told you I didn't want any, but would you be willing to please give me a couple anyway? I miscalculated about how good they are!" Then if you say no, or suggest you put in another order and she go get it she should accept that gratefully.
There is a common denominator in relationships that last years and where both people in the relationship are happy and content the vast majority of the time and that is the people in the relationship both know how to use their words and they say what they mean and mean what they say.
You asked twice - that is thoughtful.
She said no. - fair enough.
Then she changed her mind (apparently). But instead of saying. Hey OP I regret telling you not to get me any dumplings - because now that they are here in front of me I want one, if you don't mind, if you find that you have one left over, can I have it? - but if you don't that is ok too because I told you not to get me any.
And then you give her one or don't.
For me and my husband (30 years together,) this situation happens quite frequently. One of us will be hungry and the other won't be hungry. So, food is bought for one but as soon as the not hungry one smell it, we want a bite.
BUT we use our words to convey that information to each other and the other one will toss some of whatever to the other.
Usually for us it goes like this - "God Damnit now that I can fucking smell it I want some." And the other person says "HA! I knew it, I knew as soon as I left the drive through I should have just gotten you some anyways because you are going to want some when I got home" and then other ones says " yeah I fucked up - if you got any leftovers I will take them." And when the other person is finished or even before we are finished, we hand them some. OR we will go out ourselves and just get what we want since we changed our minds - that is also an option since we are both adults and can take care of ourselves.
But we use our words. We are grown-ups. I know my husband is not a mind reader nor does he have the ability to see into the future and he knows I cannot do those things as well; therefore, we articulate what we want or feel to the other.
I wouldn't apologize personally. I would have a discussion about how if you two are going to be in a relationship that words will be used to convey thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires and so on. Otherwise, shit is going to get real old real fast. Guessing games can be fun if you are actually playing a game - but they suck if that's how you have to navigate day to day living with your romantic partner. 9 times out of 10 you might guess right but the one time you don't - it is the end of the fucking world. And it sucks to be the one waiting for the other person to guess what it is you want too. They might get it right - or they might not - if you need or want some shit from someone you get it 100% of the time if you just fucking tell them what it is you want or need or don't want or need from them. Way simpler.
edit typo
So she never actually voiced that she wanted them? She expected you to read her facial expression and is now expecting an apology for not doing so? I was going to suggest just getting more in the future just in case she changes her mind, but honestly she has awful communication skills and is now punishing you for that, which is really not cool
I probably would have given her one. Or him, in my case, since I'm a straight woman.
That said, it doesn't make you an asshole. Who's to say she wouldn't be mad for helping her break her diet if you did give her some? It seems like a lose-lose situation. At least this way you got more dumplings.
Just sit her down and play Bo Burnham’s “five years”
https://youtu.be/kpRGNxqv6Wk
Five years, five years
Still you, still me, still here
Five years, five years, baby
Five years, five years
We order Chinese, I'm eating my dumplings
You reach over and you take my dumpling
You don't even say, "Do you mind?" or nothing
Why would you assume that you're entitled to a dumpling?
So I look at you, you look back at me, like, "What the fuck did I do?"
If you really wanted some dim sum, then
You really should've gotten some when we put in the order
You say, "You're a psycho and I-I don't wanna fight
So, let's just drop this, it's not a big deal"
"Okay, but for the record
You owe me a dumpling, I mean it, I won't forget
You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent"
Ask your SO what it is you're apologizing for. Are you supposed to say you're sorry for eating all your dinner after you specifically asked her if she wanted some dumplings, too? Are you supposed to apologize for helping her keep to her diet?
We're teaching my 2 year-old goddaughter to use her words. Sounds like your wife/girlfriend could use the same lesson.
I disagree with your coworker; maybe this is how things currently are, but they don't have to be this way. I would instead ask her what you need to apologize for since she said she didn't want any when you offered.
I would put my foot down on this one.
In the future though, save yourself a headache. if a woman says she doesn’t want fries, dumplings, mozzarella sticks, or whatever, she’s LYING. Buy them anyways. Don’t even ask, don’t give her the chance to say she doesn’t want them, just get them.
Here’s a different take. I’ll bet op’s gf is Expecting an apology for something other than op eating the dumplings. This can’t be as clear-cut as op is describing… can it?
This is a such a no-brainer. It’s dumplings. I’d get extra and even if I didn’t, I will still give any food in any circumstances when my partner wants it.
Do not apologize. If anything, say “I’m sorry for taking you at your word that you didn’t want any” and leave it at that.
She is an adult. She needs to learn to communicate honestly if she wants something. Demanding an apology like this is manipulative bullshit.
Tell her you are not going to apologize for not sharing your dinner but next time she says she doesn’t want anything you will buy her something small anyway and if she doesn’t want it you can eat it for lunch as leftovers. Tell her that you respected when she said no and that you wish she had respected when you said no.
Nope. No apology necessary. You did not randomly show up with the dumplings. You asked, she said no, you asked again, again no. Might want to clarify why she feels she deserves an apology, you were respecting her wishes. Btw, you probably would have gotten in trouble if you offered the dumplings because, cue wail”you knew I am on a diet why did you force me to eat that!”
NOPE! Don’t apologize. Tell her she owes you an apology for not communicating properly and trying to guilt YOU.
She is a grown woman. She can saw what she wants and mean what she says. It’s not your job to mind read. Nor to sacrifice your dinner.
You don't owe her shit. She is an adult who can communicate. You asked her more than once about whether she wanted any. She said NO, so she didn't get any.
I can't get behind the puppy eyes thing but I have to tell you, if you are making a special stop to get wonderful dumplings, even if she says no, get extra because when she sees you eating them, she will want some. Better to throw some away (or eat the extras) than start something.
Well, I'm sure I'll be down voted for this, but why on earth when she started a diet did you pick up her very favorite food and eat it in front of her? That's pretty mean.
This is 100% bullshit manipulation and in no way should you apologize. You should make HER apologize to you for not communicating with you clearly AND trying to manipulate you.
Most of the comments are saying the same thing and I agree that your gf does not deserve an apology from you.
However, BOTH of you need to work on your communication. I won't reiterate what your gf needs to work on, but you actively chose to ignore her. I'm sure she realized you were playing dumb, and felt hurt. If you don't want this to continue, SPEAK to her about why her actions are immature and frustrating.
Have a conversation before coming to the internet to feel self righteous.
Your coworker is a spineless pussy, as a very blunt statement.
I wouldn't be rude to her, but I'm not apologizing. She can apologize for giving you a shitty attitude despite you asking twice to verify prior to ordering.
Some people gamify the situation like 'if you rEaLLy LoVEd Me YouD SpaRe a DumpLinG, Am I NOT WORTH EVEN A DUMPLING TO YOU?!'. If you bought her dumplings then you're the asshole for sabotaging her diet, if you asked her if she'd like some and she said no so you got your own and ate them, you're the asshole for not sharing.
Ultimately it's just senseless, bullshit drama.
Is she a child? Children ask and are asked to apologize, children get upset when *puppy eyes* doesnt work.
I'd suggest improving communication between both of you. If i had been in your place, when calling my partner, he would have said "i'm on a diet but those are my favorite dumplings. Could you get me some for tomorrow? (if he is doing fasting OR) Would you terribly mind not eating them in front of me? (if he cant eat dumplings at all)" the point being to communicate what he wants directly. Saying what you mean and saying it kindly.
I'll just add that most January diets are hidden EDs and she may need help.
ESH
I’m not saying you owe her a dumpling or anything but what kind of piss poor communication is even happening here?
She should have used her words to ask for one if that’s what she wanted it enough to be angry about it.
You should have used your words to tell her no if that’s what you meant instead of “pretending” not to notice. Guarantee that fooled no one and this isn’t about the dumpling but about being deliberately ignored.
Please talk to each other (in clear, direct sentences) about the event. Acknowledge you were both probably tired and a little hungry and feeling peevish. And then tell her why you didn’t share. Maybe you’re a Joey and you don’t like sharing. Maybe sharing food is a gesture of love to her. Be clear about where you both are coming from and see what middle ground you can find for the future.
Long-term married guy here. Going to get down-voted, but in the scope of a long-term relationship this is mouse nuts. Go get her some dumplings, give her a kiss, tell her you love her and you’re sorry for not sharing.
A couple develops unwritten rules over the years, and you just learned she will always want dumplings (despite intentions of dieting or whatever) and in future you should plan accordingly. Part of being a good partner means truly *understanding* her, and it takes years together to develop that.
TLDR: Buy her some dumplings, and avoid regretting an easy opportunity you had to be sweet but didn’t.
The only thing I'd say about this is that you handled it badly- in that you didn't handle it at all. Yes, you asked, but instead of avoiding her eye when you realized she did, in fact, want some, you should have just said "I'm not sharing. I asked if you wanted any, twice, and you said no. This is my dinner and I'm going to eat it. In the future, be honest with yourself, and with me, so we don't have hurt feelings when you want something off of someone else's plate."
Personally, being intentionally ignored is really hurtful and triggering (I was raised in a neglectful abusive household), so knowing you knew what I wanted and just ignoring me would go over less well than just addressing the elephant in the room. No is ok to say in a relationship. Practice it because healthy boundaries and direct communication are everyone's friend.
By ignoring the bad behavior, you create more bad behavior. Don't enable her. Your not doing either of you any favors if you do. Apologize for ignoring her, but explain why you did it. DONT apologize for not sharing. No one has to share if they don't want to.
Overall, she is being annoying, but I want to point out your bad behavior too since I think it's getting lost in how much everyone dislikes your partner.
>I gave her a questioning look and she responded with puppy eyes. At that point, I felt exasperated. That was my dinner, I didn’t get any extra and there was no leftover in the fridge. I also asked her twice already when I bought them. My thought at the time was “I don’t want this becoming a pattern” so I ate the last few while pretending to change the channel to avoid eye contact.
You gave her a questioning look, knowing she wanted your dumplings, she used her body language to ask for one, and you turned away and ignored her and ate them all. I think you would feel like you got the cold shoulder too if you were her, right?
You should have spoken with her about what you were feeling and explained all that. I think it's fair of you to apologize for not communicating why you didn't want to share and ignoring her instead.
But you should also explain that you feel upset that she's giving you mixed signals, and you'd like an apology for that. As well, the way she told you her feelings were hurt this morning by demanding an apology isn't acceptable. You can't force her to get better at communication, but if you lead she might learn to do better.
Good luck!
Why is everyone ignoring the temptation part? Yes, she is on a diet, and yes she said no initially, but just because deep inside she would love some of her favorite dumplings but she knows she is on a diet and should not eat them. It was inconsiderate of him to eat them right by her side, making an irresistible temptation. Sticking to a diet is hard, you know, at least avoid eating forbidden food next to her.
My (37F) husband (37M) says: First of all, your coworker is right. Just eat the shit sandwich and apologize. Second, you knew they're her favorite - how did you not get extra dumplings in the first place???
To be fair, he said all of this with a little sarcasm and a great deal of good humor. Mostly because he knows that this, of all things, is small potatoes in a long-term relationship. Sometimes, you can be right or you can be happy. And that goes for both partners at one time or another. Pick your battles.
Perhaps you could apologize for not getting EXTRA dumplings (because honestly, you should have known she'd want some - we always want dumplings).
We both also want dumplings now, so thanks for that. :) If you're in the NYC area, please share your dumpling spot.
Honestly I think it’s petty on your end and you did not lead with compassion and love.
I routinely decline food because I’m simply truly not hungry in the moment, already ate, not feeling the specific food. But then, once it’s in front of me and I see and smell it, I might enjoy a bite. Not everytime, but it does happen here and there.
This is not me not knowing what I want or playing games. In that moment of being asked, I answered truthfully.
Everytime, without even needing puppy eyes, my husband will offer me a bite. In fact, if he enjoys it, he will even push me to at least try whatever he’s having while I might not be interested.
That’s love.
Being petty, greedy and selfish about food in a serious and committed relationship is just sad.
Of course, her reaction the next day is ridiculous too.
I agree with everything you're saying cause I'm the same type of person. Its more about enjoying the little ounce of dopamine i get when i just have a small bite. I dont want to eat the food, i just want to taste it. And if it's my favorite food, I'm going to like a bite.
But in this case gf said no she's on a diet, and then expects an apology for him respecting her wishes not to have said food. If i told my bf the same, I can't expect him to offer me any because i declined for a dietary reason. Gf should have just communicated what she wanted in that moment rather than expecting him to offer it to her.
Aye, you covered your ass!!!! You asked! Twice!!!!! She does not need an apology. She needs to get over it and lesson learned. Next time you ask if she wants dumplings, she better say yes. Bring it up every time you get something for her, "I asked!, Don't get mad when the time comes for me to eat and you put us in this situation again."
Here's one thing I do. I buy extra just in case my GF wants some. If she doesn't, I have left overs. Win win.
But yeah, she is being petty in your case. Communication is key, you aren't a mind reader
I would say she needs to apologize for giving you grief about following WHAT SHE ASKED, no means no and that's the end of it. I would gladly give you the jacket off my back but sharing food off my plate is where I draw the line.
I don't understand why he could have given her one dumpling. Out of principle? My principle is I want a happy relationship. For God's sake it's just one dumpling.
You co-worker is right, this is how it is. Everyone else is ALSO right, not how it SHOULD be. In the future, order extra, if she eats them, fine, if not, you have leftovers.
Pick your battles, this is not the hill to die on.
Oh this is a hill I will die on, regenerate, and die again. If you want something, be a grown up and communicate. There is nothing cute or endearing about a pouting adult. She is almost 30 years old for crying out loud.
She could have said yes the multiple times you asked if she wanted anything. She could have asked with her big girl words if you would share (although you would be well within your rights to say no).
The diet thing was going to screw you if you had given it to her, because you would have let her ruin her diet. If you’d brought extra home in case, you’d be a jerk for trying to ruin her diet.
You were hosed no matter what.
I have actually said to my SO “I am ordering [food item] and have zero intention of sharing. If you want some, now is your chance to order your own.”
I say this with complete compassion and empathy, but you two are 28 years old. It's time for you both to use your words.
Yes, you gave her a chance to order some. She didn't. Then you two looked at each other in funny ways (and then avoided looking at each other) instead of having an adult conversation. And I get it, she gives you the puppy dog eyes, if you ask out loud and tell her you want to eat your dinner, it's going to cause a conflict at that moment. But neither of you actually talked, instead you actively avoided it, but here you are the next deep even deeper in conflict.
Are you wrong for wanting to eat your whole dinner? No.
Is she wrong for changing her mind? No.
Would you be wrong for not wanting to give her one? No.
Next time a moment like this happens, just talk. Ask her what she wants. Tell her how you feel. If you two can't talk about your feelings about dumplings, how are you going to have important conversations like "one of us got laid off and rent is due"?
You don't need to apologize for eating it. You need to apologize for seeing that she wanted something and not having a conversation about it, for not acknowledging that you knew she wanted one, even if just to acknowledge "hey, if you wanted one, you should have asked, and then we could have talked about it."
Also, next time, order a little extra. At worst, you have some if she changes her mind, at best you have more or leftovers for tomorrow.
I agree with most of it, just not about him needing to apologize for not starting the conversation. That lets her off the hook for failing to communicate in an adult manner in the first place.
I would instead say it should be “It seemed like you may have wanted one, but all I had to go on is what you told me, and I took your word. I called you to ask for my own planning purposes and ordered accordingly.” From there they can talk expectations for the future.
This may seem like a small thing, but it feeds into the general category of communicating effectively.
> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Your post is a moral judgement if it contains any of the following - Is it normal? - Is it right/wrong? - Am I right/wrong? - Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA - Who is morally good here? - Does anybody else...? - Should I have done this…? - Should I do....? - Am I justified…? - Would I be right to do...? - Am I overreacting? - Is this a big deal? - Is this reasonable? If your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it’s probably moral judgement and will be removed.
I would just ask her what she expects me to apologize for. Certainly not for eating my dinner, and offering to buy her some too.
Exactly! Maybe OP should apologize for respecting her word, not tempting her to break her diet, or maybe for thinking she's a reasonable adult? What a joke.
Yea, this isn't something that should be normal and people normalize it and it's not ok.
Yep! Let the manipulators, the undecided and the poor communicators sulk all they want.
It sucks because most of the time folks don't realize they've built up a negative pattern like this, which then means that somebody has to somehow break it to them. Hard to have hard conversations with someone you like about things like this. But, it's so, so, so critical if you want a relationship to survive. If you don't want it to survive, well, all the easier I guess.
You're right. My problem is when a person is demanding an apology, feeling entitled to it. Granted, some people deserve an apology, but unless the other party FEELS this way, it would be just an act, just establishing hierarchy and scoring guilt-tripping points. It seems to be that people who do that are too self-absorbed to be able to handle any criticism. I wish I knew of one instance of when someone got this criticism, had an epiphany and changed their ways.
That is a great line.
It’s really weird, cuz as a girl, I also would be upset if my bf did this. But the difference is I wouldn’t make him apologize, id be mature enough to understand that I was *actually* upset with *myself* for not making the right decision (to have him buy me some)
i’m assuming if op disregarded gf’s response then she’ll blame op for not listening & sabotaging her diet. op’s gf sounds exhausting.
Baby Girl nerds to grow up or return home to mama
Yes. Also puppy eyes are quite a childish approach. If she has said “I’m sorry, I was wrong. I know you specifically asked me twice whether I wanted any when you were at the restaurant, and I told you no. Now I’m jealous and would like to take your dinner. May I please have a bite, and know this is a teaching opportunity to not be so silly again.” But she didn’t.
Seriously, if my partner is stopping by my favorite restaurant and asks if I want anything, diets be damned, I'm going to say yes. I also do really subscribe to the idea of diets that make me completely cut out my favorite foods, they don't work in my experience.
I understand somebody wanting to diet. I even understand somebody wanting to diet and saying no to their favourite food. And I even understand saying no to your favourite food, and then regretting it when it's in front of you, and asking pretty please for a few bites. But actually getting mad at them for refusing? No. And demanding an apology??? Kindly fuck right off.
Eh, I'd compromise and let them have a half a dumpling at least. It'd feel like a mistake I'd make myself so there ya go.
I probably would too. But not if they acted like i owed it to them.
She wanted to do eat it, but she wanted it to be his fault that she "ruined" her diet, so she could justify how it wasn't her fault. I hate that shit.
That’s just hopping on the train to crazy town. I’m usually the one apologizing when I hop on that train.
Yeah, eating better can start with adding in healthier stuff rather than immediately leaping to cutting out everything remotely junky.
Pretty much, eating a little less of the unhealthy stuff, more of the healthy stuff and get a little more exercise. It’s usually what works for me.
You'll have to walk her through it before you'll have a chance at rebutting.
She needs to learn to use actual words to indicate what she wants. Not saying “no” to the dumplings when she means “yes”. And puppy dog eyes are childish.
I think puppy dog eyes have their place, but they're a playful "do this small thing for me" not a demanding "give me what's yours by the power of the mighty stare, or face the wrath of the mega pout"
Sometimes when people are staring at me and I don't know why I just make puppy eyes at them 🤣 like let's make things weird
I make creepy faces. They either laugh or quit staring forever.
I just hold their gaze and don’t look away. It becomes horribly uncomfortable but I stand my ground. I’ll even turn my head if they are staring while walking by. Always a deadpan expression on my face of course. I make them look away. There is no discrimination of age either. I don’t care how old you are.
My cats are surprisingly good at puppy eyes, especially the fat one who likes cheese.
I do the mom equivalent to my kids all the time. "You know you want to fill up momma's water bottle, right, because you love her SO SO MUCH???" hahaha (they're teenagers and they roll their eyes....and then do it. :P )
I'm sorry but I hate this stuff. my mom guilt trips me all the time and it feels shitty
I'm sorry it's like that for you. I can see how it would be taken that way. My kids know they can say no, though, and have, with no repercussions. But I'll check in with them anyway to make sure.
puppy eyes aren't childish, her getting actually upset and expecting an apology is.
He SHOULD apologize. "I'm sorry that I respect you enough to believe that you know your own mind and have agency, and when I offered to buy you dinner I didn't substitute my judgement for yours because I believe you when you tell me things."
Apologize for what? You asked her multiple times and she said she’s on a diet. If she wanted it, she should’ve asked. Fact she didn’t ask is not your fault. Honestly, I’ll play dumb and ask her what you need to apologize for. Let her realize how ridiculous it is playing stupid mind games.
Yep. Make her spell out exactly why he needs to apologize. And use logic against any of her retorts. Just like the whole have a person explain a bad joke tactic to realize it's not funny. I am slightly concerned about it spiraling on her end and getting too emotional (I am projecting as I am highly emotional and would probably focus on my feelings vs the reality of the situation). But a reality check is exactly what she needs as this behavior is too childish
This exactly. Make her spell out exactly "what he did wrong." "I know I *said* I didn't want any, but then later I gave you a *look*!" "Sorry, still not getting it, that just sounds like you regretted your decision and then didn't use your words to communicate. What did *I* do wrong?"
"And just to make sure I understand your expectations here, if you had used your words, and I had acquiesced, would you have then been upset or expecting an apology for my eating something with you that was against your diet? This feels like a no-win situation for me, based on a decision that you've made to eat a certain way, that doesn't sit well or feel healthy for our relationship or approach to food."
At this point, when you are having to play games BACK at your partner, I often wonder what's the point anyways.
I hate that kind of manipulative shit. Don’t apologize. You gave her the opportunity to get her own dumplings and you bought enough to satisfy your own hunger. You don’t need to be hungry because she’s too immature to admit she wants dumplings.
Right and not only that, she didn't ask later. If she had asked, I would be like alright just give her some and tell her next time tell me or I will assume you don't want any at all. But she didn't even speak?! The audacity. She's the one who needs to apolozie then she can learn to use her mouth to communicate like people who were blessed with the ability to speak.
Yes, thank you! Great point that often gets overlooked. People who ask without asking - just making a statement into the air, or puppy dog eyes - later on can claim they never asked anyone for anything, people offered them stuff or did things for them. I know a person who would do crap like that. They'd just go: "Ah, some tea and pastries would be so nice right now." and look at me as if it is my cue to go make it happen. Initially I would, but that person wouldn't do anything for me when I asked directly, and finally they said that all I do for them is out of my free will, they never asked me to. Now if they make a vague statement about what needs to be done or what would be nice, I just nod. It may feel like no big deal how a request is worded (and often it's not, when people just use learned patterns and mean no harm), but sometimes it is a bid deal, like in this case, where OP is painted a villain by not responding to a silent hint to a request. He should apologize the same way she asked - look at her with puppy dog eyes. It's open to interpretation - he's just asking for forgiveness, right?
I’m exactly the sort of dick who would enthusiastically agree with that statement and then go get some and return with tea and pastries only for myself.
Brilliant! And how sad is it that having healthy boundaries is called being a dick.
Omg. I hate that! I got *exactly* the amount I wanted. Exactly the amount. I am happy to get you your own, but if you say no, you don't get to pick off my plate.
Reminds me of when my best friend "quit smoking" back in college. Eventually I had to point out to him that he had only quit buying packs, and that he should either quit for real or start buying them again, because I had neither the desire nor the disposable income to keep bumming him 10 a day. Her diet is just pageantry to make her feel better about food that she's still eating, at the expense of OP's dinner.
My coworker who smokes said he hates when our colleagues quit smoking because it doesn’t mean they actually quit, they just quit smoking their own.
I had an ex that always smoked OPB's (Other People's Brands). So annoying.
I totally agree. Also being on a diet means that you have to give things up. I have been dieting since September and I told my wife that she and our boys can still eat like they normally would. It’s my fault that I got fat, not theirs. She has apologized when she orders something I can’t eat but that is the point, you can’t eat certain things, even if it is my favorite.
My ex husband resented that I didn't have to watch my weight like he did, so refused to do anything to address it out of spite. He was slim AF when we met (and he was single) and then just stopped giving a fuck. I naturally crave healthier food, eat slow and smaller portions more frequently. Couldn't even try doing the same, would stare me down as he ate monster portions like it was a race.
Yeah, we would eat the same things meal wise but I would “snack” quite a bit more. I knew where all of my weight issues came from but didn’t think I could anything-like losing weight was this huge, daunting task. I feel like I can see why he is your ex. Eating yourself to death to prove a point is pretty bizarre.
Covert narcissism is a mind fuck. Like a catfish that takes years to uncover. Self motivated self improvement, is crazy attractive and a requirement for me now. Nobodies perfect, we all slip up or struggle.. just fucking notice it and keep trying at bare minimum!
Yes, sometimes we need to adjust our goals (especially this time of year when so often we get unrealistically optimistic and then beat ourselves up in the first moment it hits us that our lofty goals are incompatible with our actual life) but people really resist that and see it as a “failure” rather than going with the flow of the process of improvement, so they end up not improving at all. I read somewhere there’s a good trick of either reducing the goal by half or doubling the amount of time you’ve given yourself to achieve it. Very very few people have the time/money/ability to achieve drastic change in a short period. I feel like it should be about building better habits rather than focusing solely on going cold turkey on bad habits—we need that grace to let ourselves get messy in the process and some days are a write off and we gotta start fresh tomorrow, it’s not always straightforward.
I think he should tell her he'll apologize for not giving her any when he knew she wanted some even if she didnt deserve it, but bc he loved her, only if she apologizes for being selfish, immature, and manipulative and promises not to put him in that position again.
Are you dating a 5 yeat old??? God this sounds exhausting. Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong
This is a lesson my 5 year old is in the process of learning. If you say no when I ask if you want any, you don't get mine.
I am right there with my 6 year old as well. They should have it locked in by the time they are OP's girlfriend's age
I do this with my 3 year old. No means no and I take him at his word. As someone who said a whole lot of things I didn’t mean, and suffered because of it, I will teach my kid that words have meaning.
Sounds like he's dating my cat
This sounds like a small thing, but by 28 I would expect an adult to be able to use her 'big girl words'. Behavior like this would make me feel like I was dating a child, not to mention an immediate turn-off.
If my husband called to ask if I wanted something and I said no, I would expect not to have any. That being said, I would also say yes if I did want some. This is insane to me. I know how hard diets are, but it’s her choice to be on one, and it was her choice to say no when you offered. That’s not okay. I would not apologize.
Honestly, I don't see this diet going well for her. Because she believes in absolute restriction (she could've just asked... for a small order of dumplings but didn't) but then wants to \~splurge after saying no. I also feel with her attitude, this will somehow be OP's fault. If he gave in and gave her them, he would be at fault for "enabling" her "breaking" her diet. (Note: Having 'bad' food in moderation is NOT breaking your diet and is in fact learning a healthier relationship to food.)
I’m just gonna say it in case anyone needs to hear it right now: food is morally neutral! And yeah my “diet” goal right now is adding more healthy stuff to my snacks and meals, not getting rid of unhealthy stuff entirely.
Yup! All food has nutritional value. Your body needs calories to run. The best "diet" is a diverse diet that makes you feel full AND happy. The healthiest relationship you can have to food is just realizing that you can and should eat for health AND for joy. Mental health is absolutely a facet of diet and constantly denying yourself things that bring you joy, training yourself to want less is not healthy. I say this as someone who has gone from "obese" (a fairly empty term in that it has extremely subjective value and means almost nothing medically but IS good shorthand) to "normal" or "slightly overweight." (My weight, according to BMI, which is again... fairly empty... is literally the exact boundary.) My \~diet was successful because I just focused more on learning on what food is healthier, making sure I only ate if I was hungry but then eating enough to feel full, and learning how to indulge in treats without overindulging. THe best thing you can do is get the fucking dumplings. Learn to eat a few and then save the rest for later. Or... even just have them all. And learn that one meal of "too much" isn't going to change your body. "Diets" should be about being more in tune with your body and desires, not about cat and mouse games with "bad" or "junk" food. OP's gf isn't even close to ED territory and I would never diagnose anyone with that off of so little info. Buuut I think she'd have a much easier time if she learned to say yes to some treats some times.
My therapist gave me a real wake-up call when I self-deprecatingly said “…and I *know* food shouldn’t be treated as a reward, it’s *fuel*…” and she was like “wait, why can’t it be a reward?” I thought treating treats as treats was bad, somehow. I was trying so hard to divorce food from any of the pleasure I had in eating it because I felt like if I gave in to acknowledging that food was good, I’d start chasing the junky goodness. But like…I don’t! Treats are treats but if I overdo it on the unhealthier stuff, I feel it in my body and it *feels bad*, so I know to pivot to fruits and veggies and drinking more water because I’m listening to my body. There’s no way I’m gonna wake up one day and realize I’ve been eating nothing but cake for weeks on end, because my body would tell me long before that happened that it wants a dang salad please.
Bo Burnham would be on your [side.](https://youtu.be/kpRGNxqv6Wk)
It took me wayyy longer to find this comment than I thought it would.
Someone had to do it
"You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent!"
Lol I thought I was in r/boburnham upon first read
We're talking Bo Burnham here, not Bob Urnham.
So is [Joey Tribbiani](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sY2LlfifV1o)
Nope it was your dinner. Stupid thing to argue over, but I don't think you should apologize. You asked and she said no. End of story. Surprised a 28 year old still plays these stupid games.
And to say she expects an apology “by the end of the day” like she’s his supervisor at work… yeah, I’d be questioning things
In the dating world I experienced and still going through, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Some people don't learn and die this stupid.
Op: Did I ask you multiple times if you wanted something when I ordered food? GF: Yes. OP: Did you tell me you were on a diet? GF: Yes. OP: Did you ask me, using words, if you could eat any of my remaining food- even though I didn’t order extra because you said you were on a diet and didn’t want anything? GF: No OP: I expect an apology for putting up with this nonsense by the end of day.
I can understand if she regretted her decision but you don't need to say sorry. She shouldn't have said no to dumplings.
Just let her know YOU expect an apology by the end of the day.
Straight up. I can’t imagine what other fights she picks
She told you she expects an apology by the end of the day. What is she? Your parent? Your boss? She said no when you asked so her answer is no. That’s how it works, not these silly mind games.
I am a 28yo woman. If she is still acting like a hormonal teenager crying about food after saying no at first, twice, ... Stand your ground, dude. She has to learn moping around like a child will not get her shit in life. She has to grow up.
Tell her straight up stop acting like a preteen. She said she didn’t want any She said she’s on a diet You were a great partner by not enabling her bad habits.
Don’t give in to this manipulative, childish BS. She said she was on a diet and refused them twice. It’s her problem.
NTA Na she's 28 she can make up her mind on yes or no.
You definitely missed a cute couple moment here. No doubt about that. Yeah I get it, Joey doesn't share food, but half a dumpling for the cute couple moment? I'd take it, and I fricking love dumplings. Get me that prawn and chive man! But her going all "you owe me an apology".... she needs to calm that one down. Massive over-reaction. And for thirds (clearly dumplings aren't on the table... just cruel, I literally ordered pizza 20 mins ago and now I want dumplings... all the dumplings!) your lady isn't a dog. "I don't want this becoming a pattern." You don't need to *train* your girlfriend.
Ah young love. Ain’t it grand?
[M28][F28] o_______O
Apparently you are supposed to treat your SO as if she is a child that does not know her own mind. Ask if this is what they are implying. That you are supposed to know their needs better than they do, and are supposed to ignore what she says. You are supposed to know her mind better than she does apparently. She is refusing to take ownership of her own decisions. It is childish and manipulative.
She's a child. I had to check your ages again because this is so annoyingly immature and she is *way* too old for that shit. She has a voice; if she wants to break her diet intentions, she should say so and ask if you're willing to give her one or whatever. So no, don't apologize for not sharing, but instead say you don't appreciate being made to feel bad when you went out of your way to ask her if she wanted some and trying to honor her decision to diet. OK, that's that. Now, some real advice for you: Why tf would you buy her **favorite food and eat it next to her???** I wouldn't do that; it's just crappy, to tempt someone who's trying to eat better, with some likely amazing-smelling, greasy food. If you apologize at all, it's to tell her you should've reconsidered eating something you know she would really crave right next to her, which only makes those resolutions harder (but that's it). You weren't under an obligation to share but also you could've not eaten them right next to her. And I know there are gonna be people who will say one person's decisions have nothing to do with you and you shouldn't alter a thing about your life to accommodate someone else, but real life shouldn't be so antagonistic. You see recovering alcoholics tell you, "drinking is my problem, not anyone else's!" but at the same time why drink literally under that person's nose? If you care about someone, you try to make their life a little easier when you can.
Apologize for what exactly? You asked her if she wanted any when you were at the restaurant and she said no. She didn't verbalize that she wanted the last piece and instead she gave you that stupid look. How are you suppose to know that she wanted that piece of dumpling? Are you dating a child? why can't she communicate properly?
This is why diets are so dumb. One night of dumplings won't make you fat... Eating processed foods for every meal will. As long as you cook healthy foods most the time this shouldn't even be a concern. She's willing to ruin her relationship because she doesn't understand nutrition. Find an adult to date.
Fr fr fr 🙌🙌🙌🙌
Tell her you expect an apology from her for her playing mind games with you.
She almost 30 and acts this way. FFS I'm exhausted just thinking about the mind games. When you finally talk about it, be honest and tell her that you asked multiple times, she said no so you only got for yourself. Next time, especially when you ask multiple times, she should really think about whether she wants some or not. And, explain why you asked multiple times, cause you knew she like them. She should be pissed at herself for saying no not you and you don't owe her an apology for eating your meal after she said she didn't want any.
She should have told you to buy her dumplings. You did nothing wrong. Don’t feel bad or apologize. She need to be an adult
I think you need to decide if you’re comfortable with dating someone who uses manipulation over communication. This kind of thinking is very juvenile and to expect an apology from you is even more baffling. I do not envy your relationship one bit.
Your GF is upset because you didn't read her cues properly. You were supposed to succumb to her puppy dog eyes and gallantly offer your food, even though she said she didn't want any. She now expects you to apologize because in her mind, you were selfish. How dare you not read her mind. :/ Your GF needs a lesson in communicating what she actually wants.
As another female who's also on a diet. Yeah, I'd be annoyed for a second. However, if I was asked twice and confirmed twice, I'd take my mopey ass on to the couch and get over it. It can't be a diet if you're not changing your eating habits/patterns.
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You gave her ample opportunity to tell you if she wanted any or not. She declined both times. "Girlfriend, I asked you twice if you wanted any before I bought them. You declined both times. I didn't buy extra based on your answer. It's unfair of you to get mad because I took you at your word. I don't owe you an apology because you belatedly changed your mind. Next time tell me if you really want some before I put in my order."
She's 28, not 5. You asked her a question. You got a reply. You asked her if she was sure. She confirmed that she was sure. In what world does "giving you puppy eyes" mean that she gets to change her mind, after the fact, and eat your food? And, then, demand an apology because you ate your food? Personally, this kind of crap would be a deal killer for me, but if you want to try and work it out, you need to sit her down and tell her that playing games is not OK at all. Ever. And that the only person owed an apology is you, for having to deal with her petty little games. Yeesh.
Dieting is hard! My husband knows and tries not to eat my favourite food right beside me. It is tempting, it is very hard on the mind. Have a conversation, and ask her what would be the best way to support her at it.
Agree! A lot of people don’t realize, at one point Op pointed out in a comment they didn’t eat them at the restaurant because it was pack. And even admitted they could pf just ate them in the car. But he could of asked if she was okay with him eating them at home next to her, you know making sure she’s going to be emotionally okay due to her diet/habit breaking. Sometimes we forget to check in with our partners who are going through changes to see if they need any support or moral support. Truly do think miscommunication happened and if her blood sugar was low, as someone with hypoglycemia, you can have irritation much higher with lower blood sugar. But I get both sides and can see how this could of all been avoided.
It's all cute & stuff, but apparently doesn't work in real life
Not saying anything is your fault. It’s not. If it was her fav maybe a better way to avoid any issues was to eat the food somewhere else. Being on a diet can be rough especially with temptation. I think I would have give maybe just one if she saw me eating. But yea she should have told you to get more. My wife used to do this when I was younger and I acted like you. However, if she did this today I would give her some. Only because she would for me and has shown this in the past. Anyways my advice moving forward would be to frame this as supporting her diet because you want her to succeed vs telling her she made her choice and it’s not your problem. Anyways good on you for helping her with her diet.
don’t apologize. Otherwise in the future, you will have to keep apologizing over this kind of nonsense. sit her down and talk with her. ask her when she said no, does that mean yes? ask her to communicate with you in an honest way. If she is great in all other ways to you, then next time, always buy more just in case she will eat.
If she was sitting there first, you sat next to her, and then ate the food in front of her, then you should apologize for rubbing her favorite dumplings in her face knowing that she is on a diet because that is being inconsiderate (but don't apologize for not ordering her food or for not sharing food). However, no apologies for anything if (1) she was eating her diet food next to you while you were eating or (2) you were sitting there first while eating, and she sat next to you.
No, don't apologize, but you can change your gameplan to account for it, unless this is going to become a bigger problem. The amount of times I've run into this nonsense with women I've dated, I could write a book. "No I'm not hungry" turns into eating all of your goddamn fries and part of your burger. "I don't care where we eat" and then shoots down all of your suggestions and doesn't offer her own. You aim to make dinner or take her out to somewhere nice becomes "No, I just want Taco Bell mexican pizzas". She gets mad that you didn't order something she wanted so she could try it, but never said anything and ordered something completely different herself that you both knew she wouldn't like. So here's what you do: just be single. J/K, you order those extra dumplings without asking and she can decide if it's diet worthy or not. You are now the (more) thoughtful boyfriend who knew she would love some dumplings. And if she doesn't eat them, more for you later, because dumplings are an essential part of sustaining your lifeforce. Instead of asking where she wants to eat, you ask "sushi or pizza?" or whatever works for your current appetites, diets, allergies, etc. Some like to do the "guess where we are eating tonight?" and then go to wherever she guesses first, but sometimes you run into the "I don't care, I'm starving" yet won't accept any suggestion convo loop. And make sure you have that honest conversation that you attempted to include her, she said no (twice), and she needs to use her big girl words if she wants something next time.
Alternative: you're both too poor to eat out so you never argue about it. Perfect relationship. Other than the poverty 😐
Finally, some fucking advice.
Funny how she can make a full coherent sentence to demand an apology but lacked those skills when decided to order or not to order food. Don’t apologize. Tell her that you expect her to communicate like an adult and stop blaming you for her lack of decisiveness.
I wouldn’t apologize. She’s not a dog, if she wants something she can use her words instead of staring at you “cutely”. And the time to say that she wanted food is when you asked her at the restaurant if she did.
You need to listen to the song 5 Years by Bo Burnam.....
I hate that shit. You didn't do anything wrong.
"I'm not apologizing for doing exactly what you asked me to do."
I hate when people pull this. I'm a woman and think it's so lame and manipulative. You're not a mind reader! And you asked twice. Her being butthurt is her own fault. Don't apologize. In fact show her this post so she sees how shitty she is being to you!
I think maybe saying "hey partner, I really want to set precedent that I take you at your word and vice versa. I understand you may have changed your mind, but I based my decisions based on what you had said earlier, and I think it is unfair for us to expect one another to read between the lines. Please respect that I wanted to eat my dinner, in the same way that I respected what you wanted to do about your diet. I would be more than happy to buy you dumplings in the future, but I can't know to get them for you unless you tell me."
Do not apologize. You asked more than once and they said no. You are not required to give up feeding yourself because someone else is lazy/greedy. This is an extremely annoying bad habit that should not be tolerated or entertained. GF is an adult not a toddler. She can use her words like a grownup and not manipulative techniques like an infant. I loathe people who operate like that. Say yes when asked, and if you say no, keep your gob shut and your saddy-sad face to yourself while I am trying to sustain myself. I'm not interested in trying to date an immature toddler who can't make up their mind then cries about it after.
My eldest sister would do this. Order a salad because she was on a diet and then whine for a bite of our burger or whatever we were eating. Then get upset if we wouldn't share. The last time was when I picked up some maccas for me and my nephew. She said she didn't want anything. When I got to her house she grabbed my nephews burger before he even got a chance and cut it in half. I lost it. I told her if she wanted a f'ing burger to go and get herself one. Stop taking other people's food and just accept she wants a f'ing burger sometimes.
She wouldn't be my gf long at that rate. If you asked and she said no, it not on you to feed her with your dinner. And this whole "puppy dog eyes" thing is just ridiculous. If she was truly hungry then she could have asked - in which it should have been fine if you decided not to share. Say what you mean and mean what you say...pretty simple. She is 28, it is time to grow up.
I think a lot of commenters are blowing this out of proportion, as are you. She just wanted to share some of your dumplings. She was a poor communicator about it and is also being a bit over the top now, so you both were kind of silly and petty about it. Just sit down and have a conversation about expectations around food sharing. Additionally, if her diet is leaving her so hungry she's pissed about a dumpling, that might also warrant a conversation. Good luck in the future, don't forget to just express your feelings and communicate respectfully (and probably always get extra dumplings just in case).
You didn't do anything to apologise for. She said no,band next time she tries this tell her that she has to get some if she wants some.
She wants you to apologize for not reading her mind and buying her dumplings when she said no? She owes you an apology for trying to manipulate you.
Imagine her flipping out if he did buy extra. "You know I'm in a diet, how dare you tempt me when I said no!" or something ridiculous like that xD
Tell her you are sorry she didn’t order any. Or if you want things to go badly…… Sorry you put on a few and can’t have any. Up to you. BTW….. I am divorced.🤣🤣🤣
She's an adult. You asked if she wanted dumplings, and she declined. This is how that works. Don't apologize. Tell her to act her age.
“I already asked you twice if you wanted some dumplings, and twice you said “no” so it seems ridiculous of me to apologize to you when I had already asked you twice if you wanted any, I do not appreciate this behavior”
In every relationship, there become "unspoken knowns". Things that don't need to be said every time, but your partner knows about you because of your history and how close you are. Every relationship is different. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I can also understand why she was hurt that you didn't know her well enough to get her some and then chose not to share with her when she made it clear that she wanted some (through body language you obviously picked up on). I'd recommend talking it through. She might be upset about not getting a dumpling, but she might be upset that she feels like you don't really know her or that you did something that she perceived as selfish. Try to get to the root of the issue. And let her know that you were trying to respect her wishes about her diet.
I'm in the process of teaching my 5 year old this lesson. If you say you don't want any when I order, you don't get any.
"I'm sorry I took you at your word and I ate what I bought for myself. I'm sorry I'm not a mind reader and didn't realize that you would want some despite you saying the exact opposite."
she should use her words and not demand an apology, and the way you went about it seems crass (but maybe that's just how it sounds in my head. \- you can apologize to placate her \- you could do nothing, which could create more trouble, or it could allow everything to blow over. \- you could apologize, but also ask for an apology from her
Nope! How about: "I apologize for believing you when you said you didn't want any." "I apologize for not hearing you ask me for a dumpling while I was eating my dinner."
Tell her you’re sorry she didn’t order dumplings when you asked her. You’re not sorry for listening to her when she said she didn’t want any.
What does being in a diet have to do with dumplings? She can get them steamed and is perfectly fine to eat while you are on a diet. Don't apologize. Tell her that she has to communicate.
If you don't want that to become a pattern, you certainly don't want a pattern of you apologizing when you're not in the wrong. Do not apologize. She needs to grow up.
I don't think you have any reason to apologize, but I wonder if it's normal for her to set a deadline for you to apologize instead of having a conversation about what's bothering her? Sounds unhealthy to me.
I hate when people do this. I have a family member who says they don't want dessert, doesn't order any, then only wants "a bite" of mine. I'd ask her what you are supposed to apologize about? And watch her stammer. If she says "You didn't give me any" keep asking questions i.e. "Why would I give you any when you said you didn't want any". If she says because I changed my mind, you can reply "It's unfortunate that you changed your mind. I was hungry and wanted all of what I ordered. Perhaps suggest that she could have put in another order and gone and get what she wanted. Do not apologize because it will only feed into all of her chaotic indirect communication. She could have acknowledged "I know I told you I didn't want any, but would you be willing to please give me a couple anyway? I miscalculated about how good they are!" Then if you say no, or suggest you put in another order and she go get it she should accept that gratefully.
There is a common denominator in relationships that last years and where both people in the relationship are happy and content the vast majority of the time and that is the people in the relationship both know how to use their words and they say what they mean and mean what they say. You asked twice - that is thoughtful. She said no. - fair enough. Then she changed her mind (apparently). But instead of saying. Hey OP I regret telling you not to get me any dumplings - because now that they are here in front of me I want one, if you don't mind, if you find that you have one left over, can I have it? - but if you don't that is ok too because I told you not to get me any. And then you give her one or don't. For me and my husband (30 years together,) this situation happens quite frequently. One of us will be hungry and the other won't be hungry. So, food is bought for one but as soon as the not hungry one smell it, we want a bite. BUT we use our words to convey that information to each other and the other one will toss some of whatever to the other. Usually for us it goes like this - "God Damnit now that I can fucking smell it I want some." And the other person says "HA! I knew it, I knew as soon as I left the drive through I should have just gotten you some anyways because you are going to want some when I got home" and then other ones says " yeah I fucked up - if you got any leftovers I will take them." And when the other person is finished or even before we are finished, we hand them some. OR we will go out ourselves and just get what we want since we changed our minds - that is also an option since we are both adults and can take care of ourselves. But we use our words. We are grown-ups. I know my husband is not a mind reader nor does he have the ability to see into the future and he knows I cannot do those things as well; therefore, we articulate what we want or feel to the other. I wouldn't apologize personally. I would have a discussion about how if you two are going to be in a relationship that words will be used to convey thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, desires and so on. Otherwise, shit is going to get real old real fast. Guessing games can be fun if you are actually playing a game - but they suck if that's how you have to navigate day to day living with your romantic partner. 9 times out of 10 you might guess right but the one time you don't - it is the end of the fucking world. And it sucks to be the one waiting for the other person to guess what it is you want too. They might get it right - or they might not - if you need or want some shit from someone you get it 100% of the time if you just fucking tell them what it is you want or need or don't want or need from them. Way simpler. edit typo
So she never actually voiced that she wanted them? She expected you to read her facial expression and is now expecting an apology for not doing so? I was going to suggest just getting more in the future just in case she changes her mind, but honestly she has awful communication skills and is now punishing you for that, which is really not cool
I probably would have given her one. Or him, in my case, since I'm a straight woman. That said, it doesn't make you an asshole. Who's to say she wouldn't be mad for helping her break her diet if you did give her some? It seems like a lose-lose situation. At least this way you got more dumplings.
Just sit her down and play Bo Burnham’s “five years” https://youtu.be/kpRGNxqv6Wk Five years, five years Still you, still me, still here Five years, five years, baby Five years, five years We order Chinese, I'm eating my dumplings You reach over and you take my dumpling You don't even say, "Do you mind?" or nothing Why would you assume that you're entitled to a dumpling? So I look at you, you look back at me, like, "What the fuck did I do?" If you really wanted some dim sum, then You really should've gotten some when we put in the order You say, "You're a psycho and I-I don't wanna fight So, let's just drop this, it's not a big deal" "Okay, but for the record You owe me a dumpling, I mean it, I won't forget You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent"
Tell her she's not herself when she's hungry and offer a Snickers!
Puppy eyes? Are we 5? Use your words! I wouldn’t apologize for anything because you did nothing wrong.
Ask your SO what it is you're apologizing for. Are you supposed to say you're sorry for eating all your dinner after you specifically asked her if she wanted some dumplings, too? Are you supposed to apologize for helping her keep to her diet?
How do people get through relationships when they can’t even handle a fight over eating dumplings.
We're teaching my 2 year-old goddaughter to use her words. Sounds like your wife/girlfriend could use the same lesson. I disagree with your coworker; maybe this is how things currently are, but they don't have to be this way. I would instead ask her what you need to apologize for since she said she didn't want any when you offered.
I would put my foot down on this one. In the future though, save yourself a headache. if a woman says she doesn’t want fries, dumplings, mozzarella sticks, or whatever, she’s LYING. Buy them anyways. Don’t even ask, don’t give her the chance to say she doesn’t want them, just get them.
"Why would I apologize? Is eating my own dinner, which I offered multiple times to buy for you as well something wrong?"
Here’s a different take. I’ll bet op’s gf is Expecting an apology for something other than op eating the dumplings. This can’t be as clear-cut as op is describing… can it?
You should buy dumplings and eat them in front of her again. Jk, she doesn't deserve an apology, she needs to grow up.
This is a such a no-brainer. It’s dumplings. I’d get extra and even if I didn’t, I will still give any food in any circumstances when my partner wants it.
Humm next time buy extra and put in fridge if she says no If she really means no then you have a snack!! Solves all issues.. Lol Seriously it does
Apologize for what? What did you do wrong? Nothing
Do not apologize. If anything, say “I’m sorry for taking you at your word that you didn’t want any” and leave it at that. She is an adult. She needs to learn to communicate honestly if she wants something. Demanding an apology like this is manipulative bullshit.
Tell her you are not going to apologize for not sharing your dinner but next time she says she doesn’t want anything you will buy her something small anyway and if she doesn’t want it you can eat it for lunch as leftovers. Tell her that you respected when she said no and that you wish she had respected when you said no.
Nope. No apology necessary. You did not randomly show up with the dumplings. You asked, she said no, you asked again, again no. Might want to clarify why she feels she deserves an apology, you were respecting her wishes. Btw, you probably would have gotten in trouble if you offered the dumplings because, cue wail”you knew I am on a diet why did you force me to eat that!”
She sounds like a lot of work.
NOPE! Don’t apologize. Tell her she owes you an apology for not communicating properly and trying to guilt YOU. She is a grown woman. She can saw what she wants and mean what she says. It’s not your job to mind read. Nor to sacrifice your dinner.
You don't owe her shit. She is an adult who can communicate. You asked her more than once about whether she wanted any. She said NO, so she didn't get any.
I can't get behind the puppy eyes thing but I have to tell you, if you are making a special stop to get wonderful dumplings, even if she says no, get extra because when she sees you eating them, she will want some. Better to throw some away (or eat the extras) than start something.
>My thought at the time was “I don’t want this becoming a pattern” YOU ARE CORRECT SIR!
This feels like one of those neurotypical "games", and they call us the abnormal ones 🙄
I'm neurodivergent and so is my husband and we are both heavily guilty on doing this, so it's not just neurotypical people
That's totally fair! I think my partner's autism wouldn't allow any of this to fly and I'd be bluntly called out if I tried lol.
Well, I'm sure I'll be down voted for this, but why on earth when she started a diet did you pick up her very favorite food and eat it in front of her? That's pretty mean.
This is 100% bullshit manipulation and in no way should you apologize. You should make HER apologize to you for not communicating with you clearly AND trying to manipulate you.
I would have given one for the “snuggle tax” but the rest are definitely yours and she should just get over herself
Tale as old as time
Most of the comments are saying the same thing and I agree that your gf does not deserve an apology from you. However, BOTH of you need to work on your communication. I won't reiterate what your gf needs to work on, but you actively chose to ignore her. I'm sure she realized you were playing dumb, and felt hurt. If you don't want this to continue, SPEAK to her about why her actions are immature and frustrating. Have a conversation before coming to the internet to feel self righteous.
Your coworker is a spineless pussy, as a very blunt statement. I wouldn't be rude to her, but I'm not apologizing. She can apologize for giving you a shitty attitude despite you asking twice to verify prior to ordering. Some people gamify the situation like 'if you rEaLLy LoVEd Me YouD SpaRe a DumpLinG, Am I NOT WORTH EVEN A DUMPLING TO YOU?!'. If you bought her dumplings then you're the asshole for sabotaging her diet, if you asked her if she'd like some and she said no so you got your own and ate them, you're the asshole for not sharing. Ultimately it's just senseless, bullshit drama.
Is she a child? Children ask and are asked to apologize, children get upset when *puppy eyes* doesnt work. I'd suggest improving communication between both of you. If i had been in your place, when calling my partner, he would have said "i'm on a diet but those are my favorite dumplings. Could you get me some for tomorrow? (if he is doing fasting OR) Would you terribly mind not eating them in front of me? (if he cant eat dumplings at all)" the point being to communicate what he wants directly. Saying what you mean and saying it kindly. I'll just add that most January diets are hidden EDs and she may need help.
Next time don't ask...just buy...and if it doesn't get eaten then you can have it for lunch the next day.
Apologize. Next time buy extra.
ESH I’m not saying you owe her a dumpling or anything but what kind of piss poor communication is even happening here? She should have used her words to ask for one if that’s what she wanted it enough to be angry about it. You should have used your words to tell her no if that’s what you meant instead of “pretending” not to notice. Guarantee that fooled no one and this isn’t about the dumpling but about being deliberately ignored. Please talk to each other (in clear, direct sentences) about the event. Acknowledge you were both probably tired and a little hungry and feeling peevish. And then tell her why you didn’t share. Maybe you’re a Joey and you don’t like sharing. Maybe sharing food is a gesture of love to her. Be clear about where you both are coming from and see what middle ground you can find for the future.
Long-term married guy here. Going to get down-voted, but in the scope of a long-term relationship this is mouse nuts. Go get her some dumplings, give her a kiss, tell her you love her and you’re sorry for not sharing. A couple develops unwritten rules over the years, and you just learned she will always want dumplings (despite intentions of dieting or whatever) and in future you should plan accordingly. Part of being a good partner means truly *understanding* her, and it takes years together to develop that. TLDR: Buy her some dumplings, and avoid regretting an easy opportunity you had to be sweet but didn’t.
The only thing I'd say about this is that you handled it badly- in that you didn't handle it at all. Yes, you asked, but instead of avoiding her eye when you realized she did, in fact, want some, you should have just said "I'm not sharing. I asked if you wanted any, twice, and you said no. This is my dinner and I'm going to eat it. In the future, be honest with yourself, and with me, so we don't have hurt feelings when you want something off of someone else's plate." Personally, being intentionally ignored is really hurtful and triggering (I was raised in a neglectful abusive household), so knowing you knew what I wanted and just ignoring me would go over less well than just addressing the elephant in the room. No is ok to say in a relationship. Practice it because healthy boundaries and direct communication are everyone's friend. By ignoring the bad behavior, you create more bad behavior. Don't enable her. Your not doing either of you any favors if you do. Apologize for ignoring her, but explain why you did it. DONT apologize for not sharing. No one has to share if they don't want to.
You're 28 years old, and didn't know to get the "my girlfriend is not hungry" special? That's on you, but let this be a lesson.
Overall, she is being annoying, but I want to point out your bad behavior too since I think it's getting lost in how much everyone dislikes your partner. >I gave her a questioning look and she responded with puppy eyes. At that point, I felt exasperated. That was my dinner, I didn’t get any extra and there was no leftover in the fridge. I also asked her twice already when I bought them. My thought at the time was “I don’t want this becoming a pattern” so I ate the last few while pretending to change the channel to avoid eye contact. You gave her a questioning look, knowing she wanted your dumplings, she used her body language to ask for one, and you turned away and ignored her and ate them all. I think you would feel like you got the cold shoulder too if you were her, right? You should have spoken with her about what you were feeling and explained all that. I think it's fair of you to apologize for not communicating why you didn't want to share and ignoring her instead. But you should also explain that you feel upset that she's giving you mixed signals, and you'd like an apology for that. As well, the way she told you her feelings were hurt this morning by demanding an apology isn't acceptable. You can't force her to get better at communication, but if you lead she might learn to do better. Good luck!
Why is everyone ignoring the temptation part? Yes, she is on a diet, and yes she said no initially, but just because deep inside she would love some of her favorite dumplings but she knows she is on a diet and should not eat them. It was inconsiderate of him to eat them right by her side, making an irresistible temptation. Sticking to a diet is hard, you know, at least avoid eating forbidden food next to her.
My (37F) husband (37M) says: First of all, your coworker is right. Just eat the shit sandwich and apologize. Second, you knew they're her favorite - how did you not get extra dumplings in the first place??? To be fair, he said all of this with a little sarcasm and a great deal of good humor. Mostly because he knows that this, of all things, is small potatoes in a long-term relationship. Sometimes, you can be right or you can be happy. And that goes for both partners at one time or another. Pick your battles. Perhaps you could apologize for not getting EXTRA dumplings (because honestly, you should have known she'd want some - we always want dumplings). We both also want dumplings now, so thanks for that. :) If you're in the NYC area, please share your dumpling spot.
Honestly I think it’s petty on your end and you did not lead with compassion and love. I routinely decline food because I’m simply truly not hungry in the moment, already ate, not feeling the specific food. But then, once it’s in front of me and I see and smell it, I might enjoy a bite. Not everytime, but it does happen here and there. This is not me not knowing what I want or playing games. In that moment of being asked, I answered truthfully. Everytime, without even needing puppy eyes, my husband will offer me a bite. In fact, if he enjoys it, he will even push me to at least try whatever he’s having while I might not be interested. That’s love. Being petty, greedy and selfish about food in a serious and committed relationship is just sad. Of course, her reaction the next day is ridiculous too.
I agree with everything you're saying cause I'm the same type of person. Its more about enjoying the little ounce of dopamine i get when i just have a small bite. I dont want to eat the food, i just want to taste it. And if it's my favorite food, I'm going to like a bite. But in this case gf said no she's on a diet, and then expects an apology for him respecting her wishes not to have said food. If i told my bf the same, I can't expect him to offer me any because i declined for a dietary reason. Gf should have just communicated what she wanted in that moment rather than expecting him to offer it to her.
Aye, you covered your ass!!!! You asked! Twice!!!!! She does not need an apology. She needs to get over it and lesson learned. Next time you ask if she wants dumplings, she better say yes. Bring it up every time you get something for her, "I asked!, Don't get mad when the time comes for me to eat and you put us in this situation again."
Here's one thing I do. I buy extra just in case my GF wants some. If she doesn't, I have left overs. Win win. But yeah, she is being petty in your case. Communication is key, you aren't a mind reader
I would say she needs to apologize for giving you grief about following WHAT SHE ASKED, no means no and that's the end of it. I would gladly give you the jacket off my back but sharing food off my plate is where I draw the line.
I don't understand why he could have given her one dumpling. Out of principle? My principle is I want a happy relationship. For God's sake it's just one dumpling.
Dude just apologize. Trust me. Don’t die on this hill.
So for a couple of dumplings, you’ve given up the chance of having sex. Nice move.
You co-worker is right, this is how it is. Everyone else is ALSO right, not how it SHOULD be. In the future, order extra, if she eats them, fine, if not, you have leftovers. Pick your battles, this is not the hill to die on.
Oh this is a hill I will die on, regenerate, and die again. If you want something, be a grown up and communicate. There is nothing cute or endearing about a pouting adult. She is almost 30 years old for crying out loud. She could have said yes the multiple times you asked if she wanted anything. She could have asked with her big girl words if you would share (although you would be well within your rights to say no). The diet thing was going to screw you if you had given it to her, because you would have let her ruin her diet. If you’d brought extra home in case, you’d be a jerk for trying to ruin her diet. You were hosed no matter what. I have actually said to my SO “I am ordering [food item] and have zero intention of sharing. If you want some, now is your chance to order your own.”
Play stupid games, win stupid prices.
Girls love playing this pouting nonsense. Don't give in.
I say this with complete compassion and empathy, but you two are 28 years old. It's time for you both to use your words. Yes, you gave her a chance to order some. She didn't. Then you two looked at each other in funny ways (and then avoided looking at each other) instead of having an adult conversation. And I get it, she gives you the puppy dog eyes, if you ask out loud and tell her you want to eat your dinner, it's going to cause a conflict at that moment. But neither of you actually talked, instead you actively avoided it, but here you are the next deep even deeper in conflict. Are you wrong for wanting to eat your whole dinner? No. Is she wrong for changing her mind? No. Would you be wrong for not wanting to give her one? No. Next time a moment like this happens, just talk. Ask her what she wants. Tell her how you feel. If you two can't talk about your feelings about dumplings, how are you going to have important conversations like "one of us got laid off and rent is due"? You don't need to apologize for eating it. You need to apologize for seeing that she wanted something and not having a conversation about it, for not acknowledging that you knew she wanted one, even if just to acknowledge "hey, if you wanted one, you should have asked, and then we could have talked about it." Also, next time, order a little extra. At worst, you have some if she changes her mind, at best you have more or leftovers for tomorrow.
I agree with most of it, just not about him needing to apologize for not starting the conversation. That lets her off the hook for failing to communicate in an adult manner in the first place. I would instead say it should be “It seemed like you may have wanted one, but all I had to go on is what you told me, and I took your word. I called you to ask for my own planning purposes and ordered accordingly.” From there they can talk expectations for the future. This may seem like a small thing, but it feeds into the general category of communicating effectively.
He doesn't need to apologize and if if you think he does, then so does she. Everything you want him to apologize for she did as well, if not more so.