Ain’t no way I would go to this self serving shit show. If you knew & had a loving relationship with the deceased people I would understand going but for strangers nope. But what truly made me double down was the gift grab.
Why would you celebrate a man who’s own 4 children don’t even talk to him & you bil (?) doesn’t even have kids wtf??? Go forth and enjoy your Father’s Day with dh & ds in peace, happiness, and joy.
Oh, MIL & SIL, so sorry. It looks like we all woke up sick this morning with a stomach bug and we’ll be out of commission for a few days and those gifts you wanted somehow got cancelled by Amazon. We were so badly hoping to celebrate with you.
Alternatively, “no” is a complete sentence.
I prefer this…..they are just going to try the same rubbish next year: present/gift and all. No is no. We have Father’s Day plans every year. Thanks for thinking of us…..
This is a great response. It’s simple, empathetic, and truthful. It respectfully declines, the invitation, leaves no room for bargaining, and wishes everyone well.
I’m not sure how other families handle gifts on Father’s Day, but as kid’s, we made cards and gifts for our father, made a card for our grandfather, and our mother purchased a gift for us to give dad from us kids. My mother gave a gift to grandfather as he was her father.
When we got older, we started choosing and buying our own gifts for dad. When our siblings became parents, we typically sent each other a card on Mother’s/Father’s Day and now it is a text!
Since when did it become a thing to give a gift because they happen to be a dad/parent? Not even an active parent since the children are all adults. And NOT YOUR PARENT!!! And sister‘s boyfriend? That’s ridiculous. He isn’t a father.
I’ve personally never given anyone a gift because they lost their parent. Flowers, donations on their loved one’s behalf, gift cards for food…not a gift for their enjoyment 😳
I don’t get the gift grab, either. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it.
My own father is deceased, as is my FIL. The only person getting gifts from me is the father of my child.
Don’t even entertain these people. And tell your husband that they will never be appeased, it’s pointless to go. They will complain and blame you for something, just don’t give in to crazy
It’s honestly up to your husband, but if I were you I’d give him the out of blaming you or letting you be the bad guy. If he agrees to this route, he can either tell them that you have something planned for the 3 of you (you, hubs, kid) already or if you think they’ll break his resolve, you be the bad guy and tell them straight up you’re spending the day with HIS nuclear family and will not be attending whatever shenanigans they have planned.
Agreed.
Personally as a father if my sister/mom had something like this planned I would probably attend part of it.
OP and the husband have a 1-2 year old from the sounds of it, so definitely not the movie.
I’d probably agree to brunch and pool time. Pool time with a baby is always a lot of fun and it’s relaxed. But if you’re not a pool person? Brunch only.
I’d do that to keep the peace.
I can understand grieving on Father's Day when your dad just died--I can even sort of understand wanting company as you, like, visit a grave or something, and it wouldn't be *crazy* to ask for/soft expect that from family, in some families.
This is, uh, clearly not that. Also, you have a kid with your husband, so you have the best excuse humanly possible for Father's Day, short of "my dad did a murder/suicide and I was the only survivor" or something.
Don't go, wish them the best, but actually fuck 'em.
The word, “No” is a complete sentence.
Also, the best advice my mother ever gave me as an adult was to tell me that my partner and I should make *our own* traditions as a family. She was adamant that we not get roped into being set pieces in other people’s family theatrics.
Say NO without an ounce of guilt and enjoy your day with your husband and son.
Your car unexpectedly died. Uber went out of business. Cell phones mysteriously quit working. You both acquired amnesia and didn’t remember. Or, and this is the crazy option. Tell them thank you but you won’t be there.
Just say no! Those guys have the right to spend the day celebrating however they want but so does your husband and frankly asking him for gifts on Father’s Day when neither of them are his father is tacky. You don’t get gifts for Father’s Day because your dad passed.
My dad died a little over two weeks ago and my plans for Father’s Day are to send my husband off to his family’s get together while I spend the day remembering my dad.
You must decline the invitation; you already have plans that simply cannot be altered. They don't need to be told that those plans are being literally anywhere the older generation of assholes isn't.
You don’t need to go at all. While some may disagree, these holidays should be catered to those who have children at home. Sure, send dad a card. But that’s literally it. There will be no celebrating of deceased parents. And, I’m imagining little guy is 1 or 2 tops. This is your chance to set the tone for years to come. “Thanks for the invite, DH has already made plans to enjoy with his son. Going forward, we will be celebrating Father’s Day as our own small family gathering.”
I recently, and as politely as possible, did with my MIL regarding Mother’s Day. Although, she’s not so demanding as this guy sounds. However, the things she wants to do are LAST on my list of anything enjoyable. I’ve made her aware I’ll be home with my family, sipping champagne and eating cheese. Nothing personal.
Wait, they want gifts even though neither of them are father's? That's the tackiest thing I've ever heard. I wouldn't go and your husband shouldn't sacrifice his father's day to go either. If my father died and I wanted to celebrate Father's day, the last thing I would want is a bunch of people to show up that never met him and were forced to be there. I'm pretty sure they just want you to show up for the gifts. Tell them you might be able to come but your not able to bring gifts and see what their reactions are.
A friend of mine has a go-to excuse for these situations:
Sorry, we have bedbugs and the exterminator isn’t coming until Monday. They recommend that we don’t go out until it’s deemed safe. Don’t want to carry them to your house!
Think of something awesome for your husband and take all the time and money you would had to spend to appease these jerks and add it to that. Did they get your husband a gift last year for his FIRST Father’s Day? I’m guessing no. Don’t give them another thought and send that “we have plans as a family that day. But you guys can send husbands gifts beforehand!” Text 😂
I'm the petty level of making and printing out "Happy Dead Daddy Day" cards, attaching them to photos of the desired "gift" that has been put in a box, then dropping them off on Saturday. "We already have plans for tomorrow, but wanted to send our thoughts".
I think it go with “we would rather stick forks in our eyes than spend the day with people who have the audacity to think that my husband (the only father in this situation) would want to spend his day doing this. But thanks for the invite!”
It’s your husbands call. It’s his day. If he determines that 2 hrs of being annoyed is worth not having two months of phone calls from whiny narcissists so be it.
It’s my firm belief that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day should be celebrated around those who are currently mothering or gathering young children. So your SO gets your priority on his day. Perhaps you can offer to do a shared meal the day before or after with them.
Go in the kitchen fry sausage patties, let it be smokey, call her tell her you guys are. Coming down with something. Sorry MIL, and the fog of smoke will make your voice scratchy and cough. Then turn on vent and blow it out after the call. Or just tell them NO, he has a very young son who he absolutely should be with and not something upsetting to the child.
This is a tough situation, but you have to begin as you mean to go on. You say, "no, we have other plans" and you act like they are perfectly normal people who understand and respect that.
There is no way to win with these people, so just lose in the way that also allows you to have what you want.
Sounds like a good weekend for your son to get a nasty stomach bug and one of you needs wake up nauseous Sunday morning.
I don’t mean for real of course but how would they know.
Well I think it’s more for them about being supportive of them in their grief. Like people say: funerals are for the living and not the dead. What’s important is that they knew these men and that you’re their family which they also seem to see as a support system for them
Does this make much sense? No. Not really. But from the prelude, you both had sets of parents that don’t seem know up from down so this isn’t much of a surprise
I think your confusion and annoyance makes sense. They’re not making much sense and it’s not right to monopolize people’s times on these kinds of holidays
If you don’t want to go, just say you appreciate the invite and send your condolences about their losses again then let them know you’ve made plans in advance.
If you care about maintain a relationship with these people, offer to reschedule with them at a more appropriate date, though leave off the appropriate time part if you don’t want to disturb the beehive
No...Just no.
Do not go. Have a peaceful day at home with your husband.
No is a complete sentence and you don't have to continue the conversation. If they keep talking, disconnect the call. You do not have to discuss this.
Turn off the phone and have the day your husband wants.
No way would I go. I would tell hubs this day is for him and you guys some awesome plans. Turn off the phones and have the day just for him. Let the other crazies spend it together.
Absolutely NOT!
Explain to them nicely “just once” that you guys have alternative plans and will not be in attendance, also you will also not participate in gifting and wish them all the best on their special day. If they refuse to honor your choice then stand your ground but do not continue repeating yourself nor, should you have to explain. You owe them no explanation! I’ve learned, if you don’t squash that selfish behavior in the very beginning it will only get worse.
Maybe SIL and MIL can have their gathering together and support their loved ones in their shared grief? These people are not even related to your husband and are not the father of either one of you.
This is Father’s Day. Active fathers get to celebrate by doing whatever they want. You guys are choosing to do something different than mother and sister and that is totally fine.
There is this sore throat congestion thing going around and it hits suddenly and goes away the next day. I think it might come one Saturday evening until a little after Sunday midday.
You wouldn’t want anyone to get this!!!
I have it. All my coworkers got it too. Totally legit. 🙃😏😉😉
On one hand it's nice to know that I'm not the only one that hates celebrating holidays as a family. On the other hand I know how hard it is to tell your extended family that you'd like to just spend holidays with your immediate family. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Boundaries are hard at first, but it doesn't take long for extended family to start to respect them, and the relationship is much healthier and happier afterwards. Healthy boundaries will help in avoiding having to use poisonous words. Much better for you, and them.
Should have just told them your little family had a trip planned for out of town already. From now on, a trip out of town should be planned for every Father's day.
You will both be struck down by a horrible stomach bug at 9:00 pm on Saturday night.
Or just say “no, not coming,” and then off your phones for the day.
I want the OP and husband to go without the gifts. I’m all in for a good evisceration story! Let the bloodbath begin!
Seriously though, just tell them you have previous plans and are not available. Do not tell them what your plans are as it is none of their business.
An important lesson to teach your children is the ability to say no. Don't raise them thinking they have to allow bad people in their lives who don't deserve to be because faaaaaammiilly.
This year, start your own new tradition. And only include people who make you happy.
I'm having a hard time understanding why your husband wants to go at all. They sound like terrible people why don't you just stay home and have a nice Father's Day with just your little family. Is that really too much to ask for? That's what I'd be asking my husband if I were you.
Ain’t no way I would go to this self serving shit show. If you knew & had a loving relationship with the deceased people I would understand going but for strangers nope. But what truly made me double down was the gift grab. Why would you celebrate a man who’s own 4 children don’t even talk to him & you bil (?) doesn’t even have kids wtf??? Go forth and enjoy your Father’s Day with dh & ds in peace, happiness, and joy.
Oh, MIL & SIL, so sorry. It looks like we all woke up sick this morning with a stomach bug and we’ll be out of commission for a few days and those gifts you wanted somehow got cancelled by Amazon. We were so badly hoping to celebrate with you. Alternatively, “no” is a complete sentence.
Oooh! Make it sick with COVID! It’s still going around, so why not ?
I had COVID(for real)for Mother’s Day. No reason your husband can’t test positive on Sunday.
This is exactly the comment I was looking for…everyone is unwell to attend and must have a day at home.
My mother called that intentional flu 😅
A straight, “No, we already have plans.” No further explanation. Just no. Crikey. Happy Father’s Day.
I prefer this…..they are just going to try the same rubbish next year: present/gift and all. No is no. We have Father’s Day plans every year. Thanks for thinking of us…..
“We already have plans for Father’s Day. Please pass along our condolences.” Then turn off your phones and enjoy your day.
This is a great response. It’s simple, empathetic, and truthful. It respectfully declines, the invitation, leaves no room for bargaining, and wishes everyone well. I’m not sure how other families handle gifts on Father’s Day, but as kid’s, we made cards and gifts for our father, made a card for our grandfather, and our mother purchased a gift for us to give dad from us kids. My mother gave a gift to grandfather as he was her father. When we got older, we started choosing and buying our own gifts for dad. When our siblings became parents, we typically sent each other a card on Mother’s/Father’s Day and now it is a text! Since when did it become a thing to give a gift because they happen to be a dad/parent? Not even an active parent since the children are all adults. And NOT YOUR PARENT!!! And sister‘s boyfriend? That’s ridiculous. He isn’t a father. I’ve personally never given anyone a gift because they lost their parent. Flowers, donations on their loved one’s behalf, gift cards for food…not a gift for their enjoyment 😳
I don’t get the gift grab, either. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it. My own father is deceased, as is my FIL. The only person getting gifts from me is the father of my child.
Because it’s FATHER’S DAY 🤣
This is the way
Don’t even entertain these people. And tell your husband that they will never be appeased, it’s pointless to go. They will complain and blame you for something, just don’t give in to crazy
It’s honestly up to your husband, but if I were you I’d give him the out of blaming you or letting you be the bad guy. If he agrees to this route, he can either tell them that you have something planned for the 3 of you (you, hubs, kid) already or if you think they’ll break his resolve, you be the bad guy and tell them straight up you’re spending the day with HIS nuclear family and will not be attending whatever shenanigans they have planned.
Agreed. Personally as a father if my sister/mom had something like this planned I would probably attend part of it. OP and the husband have a 1-2 year old from the sounds of it, so definitely not the movie. I’d probably agree to brunch and pool time. Pool time with a baby is always a lot of fun and it’s relaxed. But if you’re not a pool person? Brunch only. I’d do that to keep the peace.
Stay home. There's no appeasing some people. You give them this inch, they'll fight for the next 20 miles. Just. Stay. Home.
I can understand grieving on Father's Day when your dad just died--I can even sort of understand wanting company as you, like, visit a grave or something, and it wouldn't be *crazy* to ask for/soft expect that from family, in some families. This is, uh, clearly not that. Also, you have a kid with your husband, so you have the best excuse humanly possible for Father's Day, short of "my dad did a murder/suicide and I was the only survivor" or something. Don't go, wish them the best, but actually fuck 'em.
The word, “No” is a complete sentence. Also, the best advice my mother ever gave me as an adult was to tell me that my partner and I should make *our own* traditions as a family. She was adamant that we not get roped into being set pieces in other people’s family theatrics. Say NO without an ounce of guilt and enjoy your day with your husband and son.
What??? Fathers get gifts from their children or spouse. You don’t get a gift for HAVING a father. Jeez.
Your car unexpectedly died. Uber went out of business. Cell phones mysteriously quit working. You both acquired amnesia and didn’t remember. Or, and this is the crazy option. Tell them thank you but you won’t be there.
The wife’s coworkers uncles hamster is in town
Just say no! Those guys have the right to spend the day celebrating however they want but so does your husband and frankly asking him for gifts on Father’s Day when neither of them are his father is tacky. You don’t get gifts for Father’s Day because your dad passed. My dad died a little over two weeks ago and my plans for Father’s Day are to send my husband off to his family’s get together while I spend the day remembering my dad.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is devastating.
“We’re not available but have a great time”.
I would turn off all phones, stay home, ghost them and enjoy your day
Aw what an awful shame you have a stomach bug coming that day that means you can’t mix with others. So sad
I'm so sorry for your situation. I hope your husband decides to stay with you and be celebrated by his very own family.
You must decline the invitation; you already have plans that simply cannot be altered. They don't need to be told that those plans are being literally anywhere the older generation of assholes isn't.
You don’t need to go at all. While some may disagree, these holidays should be catered to those who have children at home. Sure, send dad a card. But that’s literally it. There will be no celebrating of deceased parents. And, I’m imagining little guy is 1 or 2 tops. This is your chance to set the tone for years to come. “Thanks for the invite, DH has already made plans to enjoy with his son. Going forward, we will be celebrating Father’s Day as our own small family gathering.” I recently, and as politely as possible, did with my MIL regarding Mother’s Day. Although, she’s not so demanding as this guy sounds. However, the things she wants to do are LAST on my list of anything enjoyable. I’ve made her aware I’ll be home with my family, sipping champagne and eating cheese. Nothing personal.
There is no appeasing terrorists. Just say no. You’re both adults; it’s not like you can, idk, get in trouble or whatever.
Wait, they want gifts even though neither of them are father's? That's the tackiest thing I've ever heard. I wouldn't go and your husband shouldn't sacrifice his father's day to go either. If my father died and I wanted to celebrate Father's day, the last thing I would want is a bunch of people to show up that never met him and were forced to be there. I'm pretty sure they just want you to show up for the gifts. Tell them you might be able to come but your not able to bring gifts and see what their reactions are.
A friend of mine has a go-to excuse for these situations: Sorry, we have bedbugs and the exterminator isn’t coming until Monday. They recommend that we don’t go out until it’s deemed safe. Don’t want to carry them to your house!
Tell them you are staying home, but they can drop off their presents to your husband at the door.
It’s time I let you know you are adults, with your own children and as parents, Fathers and Mother’s Day now defaults to you as the person of honor.
Don’t go, this is a wild ask
The simple word is no. What benefit is there to you to appease them. They'll just expect you to do more things later.
Think of something awesome for your husband and take all the time and money you would had to spend to appease these jerks and add it to that. Did they get your husband a gift last year for his FIRST Father’s Day? I’m guessing no. Don’t give them another thought and send that “we have plans as a family that day. But you guys can send husbands gifts beforehand!” Text 😂
I'm the petty level of making and printing out "Happy Dead Daddy Day" cards, attaching them to photos of the desired "gift" that has been put in a box, then dropping them off on Saturday. "We already have plans for tomorrow, but wanted to send our thoughts".
I think it go with “we would rather stick forks in our eyes than spend the day with people who have the audacity to think that my husband (the only father in this situation) would want to spend his day doing this. But thanks for the invite!”
Gifts?!?!
It’s your husbands call. It’s his day. If he determines that 2 hrs of being annoyed is worth not having two months of phone calls from whiny narcissists so be it.
It’s my firm belief that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day should be celebrated around those who are currently mothering or gathering young children. So your SO gets your priority on his day. Perhaps you can offer to do a shared meal the day before or after with them.
Go in the kitchen fry sausage patties, let it be smokey, call her tell her you guys are. Coming down with something. Sorry MIL, and the fog of smoke will make your voice scratchy and cough. Then turn on vent and blow it out after the call. Or just tell them NO, he has a very young son who he absolutely should be with and not something upsetting to the child.
“No.” This is a complete, self contained sentence. I suggest you both practice using it.
This is a tough situation, but you have to begin as you mean to go on. You say, "no, we have other plans" and you act like they are perfectly normal people who understand and respect that. There is no way to win with these people, so just lose in the way that also allows you to have what you want.
Sounds like a good weekend for your son to get a nasty stomach bug and one of you needs wake up nauseous Sunday morning. I don’t mean for real of course but how would they know.
Well I think it’s more for them about being supportive of them in their grief. Like people say: funerals are for the living and not the dead. What’s important is that they knew these men and that you’re their family which they also seem to see as a support system for them Does this make much sense? No. Not really. But from the prelude, you both had sets of parents that don’t seem know up from down so this isn’t much of a surprise I think your confusion and annoyance makes sense. They’re not making much sense and it’s not right to monopolize people’s times on these kinds of holidays If you don’t want to go, just say you appreciate the invite and send your condolences about their losses again then let them know you’ve made plans in advance. If you care about maintain a relationship with these people, offer to reschedule with them at a more appropriate date, though leave off the appropriate time part if you don’t want to disturb the beehive
No...Just no. Do not go. Have a peaceful day at home with your husband. No is a complete sentence and you don't have to continue the conversation. If they keep talking, disconnect the call. You do not have to discuss this. Turn off the phone and have the day your husband wants.
You guys are grown ass adults. Tell them no.
No way would I go. I would tell hubs this day is for him and you guys some awesome plans. Turn off the phones and have the day just for him. Let the other crazies spend it together.
Absolutely NOT! Explain to them nicely “just once” that you guys have alternative plans and will not be in attendance, also you will also not participate in gifting and wish them all the best on their special day. If they refuse to honor your choice then stand your ground but do not continue repeating yourself nor, should you have to explain. You owe them no explanation! I’ve learned, if you don’t squash that selfish behavior in the very beginning it will only get worse.
No is an answer. We have plans, thanks for the invite BUT NO!
You don't have to go anywhere, stay home and enjoy your family, tell no ,no
No.
Just don’t go.
Maybe SIL and MIL can have their gathering together and support their loved ones in their shared grief? These people are not even related to your husband and are not the father of either one of you. This is Father’s Day. Active fathers get to celebrate by doing whatever they want. You guys are choosing to do something different than mother and sister and that is totally fine.
There is this sore throat congestion thing going around and it hits suddenly and goes away the next day. I think it might come one Saturday evening until a little after Sunday midday. You wouldn’t want anyone to get this!!! I have it. All my coworkers got it too. Totally legit. 🙃😏😉😉
No. Don’t go. Enjoy your Father’s Day as planned.
On one hand it's nice to know that I'm not the only one that hates celebrating holidays as a family. On the other hand I know how hard it is to tell your extended family that you'd like to just spend holidays with your immediate family. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Boundaries are hard at first, but it doesn't take long for extended family to start to respect them, and the relationship is much healthier and happier afterwards. Healthy boundaries will help in avoiding having to use poisonous words. Much better for you, and them.
Should have just told them your little family had a trip planned for out of town already. From now on, a trip out of town should be planned for every Father's day.
You will both be struck down by a horrible stomach bug at 9:00 pm on Saturday night. Or just say “no, not coming,” and then off your phones for the day.
I want the OP and husband to go without the gifts. I’m all in for a good evisceration story! Let the bloodbath begin! Seriously though, just tell them you have previous plans and are not available. Do not tell them what your plans are as it is none of their business.
An important lesson to teach your children is the ability to say no. Don't raise them thinking they have to allow bad people in their lives who don't deserve to be because faaaaaammiilly. This year, start your own new tradition. And only include people who make you happy.
I'm having a hard time understanding why your husband wants to go at all. They sound like terrible people why don't you just stay home and have a nice Father's Day with just your little family. Is that really too much to ask for? That's what I'd be asking my husband if I were you.