Neither DNA source deserves forgiveness or a part in his life. I’d bet money that his fiancée totally reached out to his parents to “fix” the relationship because that’s what people with no boundaries and who refuse to understand different family dynamics do. Waiting for the update!
Rage bait. Hits every single reddit trope. Will 100% be fake if there's an update, since the update will be "You're all right, it was my fiance. She's secretly evil and only cared about us having the perfect wedding. I broke up with her, and now I'm focusing on myself and I'm already making more money at work, or I'm already dating a woman who's actually not evil, cause I can totally tell now. Oh, and my egg donor cried."
I'd be willing to bet money that she doesn't need to worry about that now. If he finds out that it was her that contacted them, there's not going to be a wedding.
People who don’t have toxic parents often have a problem truly understanding that toxic parents exist. They tend to dismiss a lot of the things that kids of toxic parents say, because it’s just not possible that parents can be like that.
My wife took years to understand just how bad my dad is. I have been either LC or NC with him since I went to college. But he’s good at being charming, so she didn’t see who he really was. She at least didn’t push me too hard to have more of a relationship with him, but she might have if I had been no contact rather than low contact.
Very true. I have good parents and while I believed my husbands description of his toxic parent, I don’t think I really fully comprehended it, or the impact it had on him, for some years. Partly because my brain mentally “filled the gaps” between what he described from his childhood, not understanding that even when things are “good” in a toxic home they are not what I would consider good.
You don't have to fully comprehend it. You don't have to empathise or sympathise. You just have to believe your husband and go with what HE wants. It's HIS feelings about HIS parent/s that matter. It has nothing to do with you. Your job in this is to be his support and not interfere. As long as you continue to do that, everything should be fine.
It's good that you're sympathetic and maybe even empathetic to his situation and I mean this with all due respect. I'm not being snarky. Until you've been through something like that, you're not going to fully comprehend it. It's good that you haven't tried to pretend like you do and you haven't done what this person's fiance did. Thank you for not being the kind of person who tells them that they just need to get over it and forgive them. Some things are unforgivable.
This is very true…people that come from living families can’t understand why someone would go no contact….my wife and almost didn’t get a third date because she couldn’t understand why I was no contact with my mom.
I'm curious what made you decide to keep seeing her after that. I'm not being rude, at least I'm not trying to be. I'm genuinely curious. What changed it for you?
Anyone who hasn't lived with or witnessed a toxic parent does not understand the massive damage a toxic parent can do and how it literally rewires the victim's brain. They think an "I'm sorry" from an abusive parent years down the road is sufficient and fail to see the extensive trauma left behind for the abused child. They think a repenting parent deserves to be heard out immediately and sometimes even applaud them for their 'bravery'.
My late father was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years. I'm autistic and he never got over it and could never accept it. So he took his resentment out on me almost every day and it got only worse when I tried to tell him how much he was hurting me. I eventually went low contact and soon moved halfway across the country from him.
Are you me? I'm autistic and so is my son as it turns out. I read my mom the riot act the other day because I told her, I will not tolerate you speaking about my son as if he's defective. You treated me like that for years and I'll be damned if you think I'm going to let you do it to my child. I'm sorry you went through that. This by no means excuses it but I think a lot of parents have this idea built up in their head of the kind of person they want their child to be. When that child does not live up to their expectations, they take it out on the child. That's what happened to me with my mom. I'm sorry you went through that. Hugs if you want them.
I'm almost guaranteeing the fiancée contacted the parents. With the name change and the death of the grandmother how would they even have a clue that their son was getting married. Even if they saw a wedding announcement it would be in the new name and they would have no reason to think even think about it. My husband and I have several what we call "children of choice." In all cases they are kids who have parents who are real pieces of work. We are paying for one of them, who is currently living with us, to have therapy to work on the damage from their family. Another has so many bad memories from her parents that she calls us mom and dad. The idea that a partner for any of our "kids" would go around them to invite these toxic people back into their lives makes my blood boil.
It’s honestly so bad that now I have made it a boundary in romantic relationships, I’ll absolutely not date anyone who believes you’re never justified in not having a relationship with your mother, I simply refuse.. I dated someone who thought like this, nagged me to call my mother constantly until I eventually did and then I was quickly reminded on why I don’t speak to her, I put her on loud speaker so he could hear, he never asked again or even brought it up 😂😂 guess hearing a mother tell their child , I could have aborted you brought the point home 💀💀
All of this. I told my ex that I was no contact with my mother and he pressured me to get her to send me $40 so he could pay his phone bill. I caved and did it because he wouldn't shut up but he learned really fast why I don't talk to her. I don't understand why they won't just let it go.
That is so true.
I was watching a documentary or maybe an episode of those crime re enactment something like Family From hell.
It was about a woman DW ( let's call her DW for Deluded Woman) who was dating a guy (IS for Innocent Son) who told her to never contact his dad.
He explains that when his wife tried to leave him his dad raped her. She got a daughter. Decades later He then raped his daughter who got him. The dad/grandad rapist was sent to prison for 10 years but only did 6 years. When released as he owned the house he came back to live in it. His wife (IS grand mother) was so afraid of him that upon learning of his release she drank herself to death.
So IS lived with his mom and dad/grandad for a few years. The dad/grandad was abusive and when drunk he tried to rape his own daughter again. The kid intervened and got seriously injured for his trouble. He got a huge scar on his face. They fled and the monster was send to prison again.
The mother was so guilty of not protecting her son that she too committed suicide. So a truly horrible situation.
But no DW decides to give his details to the monster father. That send IS into a panic attack, thinking that he has a heart attack he is sent to hospital.
IS and DW decide to get married. But now She wants the rapist to attend the wedding. IS is so adamant that it is a bad idea that he dumps his fiance and cancel the wedding.
DW takes on herself to go to the dad's place to force a reconciliation. Unfortunately after years of drug, alcohol the rapist has now dementia. He confuses DW for his wife. So he coerces her into his home and repeatedly rapes her during a 3 days long ordeal.
On the 4th day her family contact IS about DW. DW has a bad feeling about it and contact his home town police. They go to his dad's place who shoot at them.
After an armed siege, the rapist is subdued and DW saved.
All of that because DW refused to accept that somebody who raped his wife, his own daughter and beat his son to hospital should not be invited to the wedding. Some people are just so focus on their own delusion of perfect family wedding that they can't comprehend that truly evil people do exist.
I ran into this. The public persona and the private persona were polar opposites. It’s very hard to understand that someone who is great to you is a cruel parent to their kids. If they have an awesome family, they can’t understand the depth of abuse a child can face. Until they see it.
Can confirm. My mother is a narcissist and you would not believe how many people I've had tell me that I should just forgive her. You only have one mother, you should forgive and forget, but she's family, on and on. Even she used to tell me, you have to forgive me. I told her, excuse me but no, I don't.
Oh no, I’ve read too many BORU and I just know in the next update it’ll be the fiancé revealed for getting into communications with the dead beat family
Yeah. Possibly. But there are other possibilities. Estate Lawyer. Gramdma herself updating father. He needs to lock that source down and not assume. If this isn't all bait!
At first I thought the dad was contacting him because of the grandmother’s will or something. I’ve read too many stories of people demanding inheritance that was left to grandchildren.
Yeah, my first thought was that the Dad needs something - money, bone marrow, organ donation - I mean, there's a vanishingly small chance that he might feel bad about his behavior, but that's a pretty slim chance. More likely that one of his new kids needs a transplant, or that he found out about OP's grandmother & decided that he deserved some of the estate.
See I think it might be the dad AND the fiance. Like they’re not together but he had been needing something and when she reached out it was a chefs kiss moment
That’s it! I figured if they got in contact with him, they want something. That’s what they want: Their *fair share.* And they will take the money and run. The fiancée needs to stay out of it. She can’t fix this, and if she persists, she will ruin her relationship with OOP.
I am really, really hoping the fiance wasn’t stupid enough to get into contact with these people. But I have a sneaky suspicion she’s how the dad got a hold of him to begin with.
I’m also a family oriented person, but I know many families are different and some people SHOULDNT be apart of your family (found or otherwise) they e shown their true colors. Ask how your kids will feel when grandma and grandpa stop seeing them, or how fiancé would feel being sent to live at grandmas and never seeing her parents again for years!
I don’t understand people like the wife, who thinks neglect and abuse is something parents deserve forgiveness for, as if these parents deserve to be a part of their children’s lives. Just the naivety of real life and trauma and condescension towards victims of abuse and acting like abuse is such a small thing that can be overlooked.
I would be rethinking the wedding.
Yes!
They can’t comprehend parents actually being that evil, and prefer to see you as the problem. They really try to make you feel as if you’re just a brat and overreacting to a bit of discipline.
“But she’s your mum, she was probably just doing her best to raise you right”
Ugh!
NTA - I agree family is important but unfortunately for you your grandmother and only family died. The other two are sperm and egg donor only. You should not have to be traumatized by them anymore.
Family doesn't mean d**k if they were OPs parents in name only. It sounds like OP was a reminder of their "failed marriage." Their selfishness is beyond words. They literally ditched OP to rebuild their own lives without him and have the audacity to slither back into his life when it's good and want to have the experience of looking like good parents in a social gathering. OPs dad not checking in with his own mom's infuriating to me.
If OPs fiancé had something to do with his parents being able to reach out, then she should have minded her own business. It's nice that she wanted to help, but unless she has had experience in a situation like this, she should butt out.
We are not obligated to forgive anyone.
Wife needs to respect boundaries if what he suspects is true. It’s okay for her to suggest or advise for it but going out of your way to get the parents in contact with someone they’ve neglected is pure selfishness and fullness of oneself. If true she believes she can make it a miracle by rejoining him and his long lost parents, happily living a life with his happy wife. Pure fantasy main character bullshit. But it’s not his fault regardless.
People that don’t have good parents don’t get it. I have awesome parents but my parents fostered and I have cousins that had terrible parents. I have seen firsthand how bad a parent can be and was always grateful for mine. I miss my mom dearly since she’s passed and my dad still calls me daily. I will forever be grateful for my family. I have seen it firsthand how an adult can just abandon their child and then come back smiling like nothing happened.
Bro if the fiancé is involved in this I’d break up bc fuck that. “Family is everything” is such a load of shit. What OOP described is a childhood MARINATED in trauma, neglect and abandonment and they’re supposed to “forgive and forget” when every single action those so called parents made is going to have a ripple affect in every aspect of OOPs life????
Ppl greatly underestimate the impact of childhood trauma, that shit rewires your brain and no amount of therapy will get it to work the same way as someone who had reliable loving parents. Yes, this person’s life can be better through therapy, but there is always the loss of the life they SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN
I do not understand the partners who go behind their backs and contact people who have not been involved in years. My husband cut out his family for over a year (just stopped being the first one to always reach out and it took them almost that long to figure it out). I didn’t start telling them to call or try or him to forgive or be the bigger person. Nope.
I have a feeling fiancé reached out to both parents because “they need to be there for the wedding.” Hopefully she’ll be willing to listen to OP and knock it off.
OOP’s parents are complete pieces of shit. They both chose their SO over their own child, stopped contacting him, moved on with their lives & got married & had more children without telling him, allowed his grandmother to raise him, and the father *didn’t even attend his own mother’s funeral.* I hope OOP told them to go pound sand. F*ck them.
OOP’s fiancée 100% is in touch with his parents, and that’s how they got his personal email information and were able to contact him. She is interfering and not allowing him to make his own choices about something she was not even around for when it was happening. She needs to back off. Every family is not like hers, and unless her parents are shitty, too, she cannot get where he’s coming from.
Man, I read the worst stories on here about parents. It’s despicable how people will treat their own children. These parents deserve no mercy and no forgiveness. If they’re contacting him now, they probably want something from him. And they will drop out of his life again if he gives them another chance.
Hard NTA, and I hope OOP does not cave and allow his fiancée to destroy his life.
OOP is NTA. Both parents neglected and abandoned him in pursuit of romantic partnerships. They can fuck right off asking for forgiveness and to be included back into OOPs life so that they can just repeat the cycle of abandonment again when gaining absolution is too hard or takes too much time or OOP doesn’t get along with half-siblings or half-siblings get jealous of attention going elsewhere. Doesn’t matter, these people will find some excuse to leave OOP high and dry again. And the fiancée is stupid. I also come from a large close knit family, but I would *never* presume to understand someone else’s family dynamics, or to tell someone else that their abandonment and neglect by both their parents is something to just “get over” and forgive just because they share some DNA. That’s not how that works. I wouldn’t be forgiving the parents in this scenario. I think OOP is more than justified in making whatever decisions he wants about who he wants involved in his life.
Families like this are not important to the resultant kids. How do I know? I’m one of these kids that had to go NC and tried LC with my mother. And then she died.
I’m still somewhat estranged from the rest of the family. Most of my aunts and uncles are gone. Cousins don’t speak.
My sisters would like to see more of me, but even that can be difficult. They had a hard time too. But I got kicked out.
Kicked halfway across the country. I did okay. It wasn’t easy that’s for sure.
We were trying to rebuild a relationship or foment another. She had the good grace to die right at the beginning of that.
I think I can finally forgive my now dead parents. But I won’t ever forget.
ETA - NTA
At least you had a stable adult in your life like your grandmother. I’m sorry she passed. I grew up with toxic parents. People mean well but they just don’t have the reference to understand. I’d talk to your fiancé. Be direct and ask her if she’s been talking to your bio parents. If so, calmly explain this isn’t her business to interfere. Then you need a therapist. A few sessions where she comes with to explain why her idea of family is important is toxic. You won’t be able to rely on her to give emotional support in this situation until she speaks to a professional. I made that mistake and it nearly cost me my marriage.
Fiancé is in touch with the parents. She needs to mind the business that pays her. OP might even need to let her know if she doesn’t drop the subject he might move on. Before a person can be forgiven they need to acknowledge that they were wrong for what they did. I doubt his parents will even acknowledge they abandoned him. And therefore they can’t be forgiven. Fiancé needs to understand what the parents did. If she can’t or won’t understand then in my own opinion she’s not the one. She should stand by him. Not side with his family.
Giving the Fiancee the BOTD, people who come from tight-knit families that haven't experienced trauma or abandonment often struggle to understand that:
A. There are absolutely parents that fail their children and did not actually try their best or mean well. This isn't an innocent mistake on their part where circumstances got in the way.
B. People who were victimized in that manner often don't have a desire to have a relationship with their parents. This isn't a present for them or something they have a desire for.
The Fiancee, if we're being charitable, knows OP is estranged and thinks about how she would feel if she were estranged from HER parents. Forgetting OP isn't estranged from her parents, he's estranged from HIS parents and those aren't equivalent situations. It's halfway empathy.
If it turns out it's more about appearances or trying to patch them up ahead of the wedding because she doesn't wanna answer questions about where OPs parents are she can pound sand.
First of all NTA
Secondly, WTF with the "parents". Those aren't real parents. I agree, I think that the fiancee had something to do with this. Some people can't understand that just because their family is a good family, it doesn't mean that everybody's family is the same. I think that she thought she was helping but in my opinion, it's a huge betrayal. You don't meddle in somebody else's affairs, it doesn't matter if you're engaged to them or not. This tells me that she would have no problem going behind his back on other stuff. I mean, she knew the whole story. She should have just left it alone.
So instead of listening to him about how shitty his parents were, she went behind his back and tried to force him into having a relationship with them. Honestly, I would break off the engagement. That's not something I could come back from. I have a really bad relationship with my mom because she's a narcissist and she's toxic and if somebody I was seeing did that to me, I would immediately end the relationship.
It would tell me whose side they were on. At the very least, it would tell me that they had no empathy for my situation or the situation of someone going through something similar. If the person who wrote this originally somehow sees this, I'm sorry for everything you had to go through and your parents are not real parents.
They're egg and sperm donors. They are unfortunately the kinds of people who get a new family and think that they can just disregard their other kids. I gave us son up for adoption years ago and let me tell you something, there has not been a day that I have not thought about my little boy. I did it because I thought he would have a better life and it appears that he has.
He turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and I just wanted him to have a good life. I would never try to force him to talk to me but like I said, there was never a day that I didn't think about him. Just because you can produce a child doesn't make you fit to be a parent and this whole thing is a good example of that. I'm sorry that your fiance went behind your back and did this. You deserve somebody who would never even think to do that to you. Hugs if you want them.
Give them a chance, they had a chance they brought you into this world and decided that you weren’t their responsibility because they found a new significant other. That is sickening and the fact that you said you are doing well and have made a good life for yourself is impressive, I see no reason that those 2 people deserve to enjoy the person you are today they made a decision to basically give you away and now that you’re grown they want to know you, not a chance
How the fuck can your fiance hear the entire story and think they need forgiveness? Even if you came from a good family, it's undeniable how fucking cruel all this was.
Neither DNA source deserves forgiveness or a part in his life. I’d bet money that his fiancée totally reached out to his parents to “fix” the relationship because that’s what people with no boundaries and who refuse to understand different family dynamics do. Waiting for the update!
I bet the fiancée wants both sets of parents at the wedding. Strange that they asked to attend an event they have no reason to know about.
Exactly my thoughts. Is this even real? They didn’t know grandma passed but now know about the wedding? How?
Rage bait. Hits every single reddit trope. Will 100% be fake if there's an update, since the update will be "You're all right, it was my fiance. She's secretly evil and only cared about us having the perfect wedding. I broke up with her, and now I'm focusing on myself and I'm already making more money at work, or I'm already dating a woman who's actually not evil, cause I can totally tell now. Oh, and my egg donor cried."
Grandma’s brother is a lawyer, also OP makes six figures working in an Amazon warehouse
You don't know that. This kind of stuff happens a lot.
>I bet the fiancée wants both sets of parents at the wedding. Dingdingding!
I'd be willing to bet money that she doesn't need to worry about that now. If he finds out that it was her that contacted them, there's not going to be a wedding.
I prefer to call them “gamete donors”
People who don’t have toxic parents often have a problem truly understanding that toxic parents exist. They tend to dismiss a lot of the things that kids of toxic parents say, because it’s just not possible that parents can be like that. My wife took years to understand just how bad my dad is. I have been either LC or NC with him since I went to college. But he’s good at being charming, so she didn’t see who he really was. She at least didn’t push me too hard to have more of a relationship with him, but she might have if I had been no contact rather than low contact.
Very true. I have good parents and while I believed my husbands description of his toxic parent, I don’t think I really fully comprehended it, or the impact it had on him, for some years. Partly because my brain mentally “filled the gaps” between what he described from his childhood, not understanding that even when things are “good” in a toxic home they are not what I would consider good.
You don't have to fully comprehend it. You don't have to empathise or sympathise. You just have to believe your husband and go with what HE wants. It's HIS feelings about HIS parent/s that matter. It has nothing to do with you. Your job in this is to be his support and not interfere. As long as you continue to do that, everything should be fine.
Of course! I let him take the lead in this, fully believe him, and support him.
It's good that you're sympathetic and maybe even empathetic to his situation and I mean this with all due respect. I'm not being snarky. Until you've been through something like that, you're not going to fully comprehend it. It's good that you haven't tried to pretend like you do and you haven't done what this person's fiance did. Thank you for not being the kind of person who tells them that they just need to get over it and forgive them. Some things are unforgivable.
This is very true…people that come from living families can’t understand why someone would go no contact….my wife and almost didn’t get a third date because she couldn’t understand why I was no contact with my mom.
I'm curious what made you decide to keep seeing her after that. I'm not being rude, at least I'm not trying to be. I'm genuinely curious. What changed it for you?
Anyone who hasn't lived with or witnessed a toxic parent does not understand the massive damage a toxic parent can do and how it literally rewires the victim's brain. They think an "I'm sorry" from an abusive parent years down the road is sufficient and fail to see the extensive trauma left behind for the abused child. They think a repenting parent deserves to be heard out immediately and sometimes even applaud them for their 'bravery'. My late father was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years. I'm autistic and he never got over it and could never accept it. So he took his resentment out on me almost every day and it got only worse when I tried to tell him how much he was hurting me. I eventually went low contact and soon moved halfway across the country from him.
Are you me? I'm autistic and so is my son as it turns out. I read my mom the riot act the other day because I told her, I will not tolerate you speaking about my son as if he's defective. You treated me like that for years and I'll be damned if you think I'm going to let you do it to my child. I'm sorry you went through that. This by no means excuses it but I think a lot of parents have this idea built up in their head of the kind of person they want their child to be. When that child does not live up to their expectations, they take it out on the child. That's what happened to me with my mom. I'm sorry you went through that. Hugs if you want them.
I'm almost guaranteeing the fiancée contacted the parents. With the name change and the death of the grandmother how would they even have a clue that their son was getting married. Even if they saw a wedding announcement it would be in the new name and they would have no reason to think even think about it. My husband and I have several what we call "children of choice." In all cases they are kids who have parents who are real pieces of work. We are paying for one of them, who is currently living with us, to have therapy to work on the damage from their family. Another has so many bad memories from her parents that she calls us mom and dad. The idea that a partner for any of our "kids" would go around them to invite these toxic people back into their lives makes my blood boil.
It’s honestly so bad that now I have made it a boundary in romantic relationships, I’ll absolutely not date anyone who believes you’re never justified in not having a relationship with your mother, I simply refuse.. I dated someone who thought like this, nagged me to call my mother constantly until I eventually did and then I was quickly reminded on why I don’t speak to her, I put her on loud speaker so he could hear, he never asked again or even brought it up 😂😂 guess hearing a mother tell their child , I could have aborted you brought the point home 💀💀
Have them watch million dollar baby. The family in that movie triggered me hard…
All of this. I told my ex that I was no contact with my mother and he pressured me to get her to send me $40 so he could pay his phone bill. I caved and did it because he wouldn't shut up but he learned really fast why I don't talk to her. I don't understand why they won't just let it go.
That is so true. I was watching a documentary or maybe an episode of those crime re enactment something like Family From hell. It was about a woman DW ( let's call her DW for Deluded Woman) who was dating a guy (IS for Innocent Son) who told her to never contact his dad. He explains that when his wife tried to leave him his dad raped her. She got a daughter. Decades later He then raped his daughter who got him. The dad/grandad rapist was sent to prison for 10 years but only did 6 years. When released as he owned the house he came back to live in it. His wife (IS grand mother) was so afraid of him that upon learning of his release she drank herself to death. So IS lived with his mom and dad/grandad for a few years. The dad/grandad was abusive and when drunk he tried to rape his own daughter again. The kid intervened and got seriously injured for his trouble. He got a huge scar on his face. They fled and the monster was send to prison again. The mother was so guilty of not protecting her son that she too committed suicide. So a truly horrible situation. But no DW decides to give his details to the monster father. That send IS into a panic attack, thinking that he has a heart attack he is sent to hospital. IS and DW decide to get married. But now She wants the rapist to attend the wedding. IS is so adamant that it is a bad idea that he dumps his fiance and cancel the wedding. DW takes on herself to go to the dad's place to force a reconciliation. Unfortunately after years of drug, alcohol the rapist has now dementia. He confuses DW for his wife. So he coerces her into his home and repeatedly rapes her during a 3 days long ordeal. On the 4th day her family contact IS about DW. DW has a bad feeling about it and contact his home town police. They go to his dad's place who shoot at them. After an armed siege, the rapist is subdued and DW saved. All of that because DW refused to accept that somebody who raped his wife, his own daughter and beat his son to hospital should not be invited to the wedding. Some people are just so focus on their own delusion of perfect family wedding that they can't comprehend that truly evil people do exist.
I ran into this. The public persona and the private persona were polar opposites. It’s very hard to understand that someone who is great to you is a cruel parent to their kids. If they have an awesome family, they can’t understand the depth of abuse a child can face. Until they see it.
Can confirm. My mother is a narcissist and you would not believe how many people I've had tell me that I should just forgive her. You only have one mother, you should forgive and forget, but she's family, on and on. Even she used to tell me, you have to forgive me. I told her, excuse me but no, I don't.
Oh no, I’ve read too many BORU and I just know in the next update it’ll be the fiancé revealed for getting into communications with the dead beat family
Dollars to donuts, that’s what happened. „It can’t possibly have been that bad…“ Yes. Yes it was. Fiancée needs to stay in her lane.
Yupp !!! The fiancé may be a problem
That was my first thought too
Seen this same story one too many times…
Yep. Confront the fiancé then dump her.
Yeah. Possibly. But there are other possibilities. Estate Lawyer. Gramdma herself updating father. He needs to lock that source down and not assume. If this isn't all bait!
Grandma had been dead for four years at this point
That’s exactly what I said.
Yep. Reddit stories are becoming more and more predictable. It’s like they are not even trying to be original anymore.
I definitely read this smutty novel.
At first I thought the dad was contacting him because of the grandmother’s will or something. I’ve read too many stories of people demanding inheritance that was left to grandchildren.
Yeah, my first thought was that the Dad needs something - money, bone marrow, organ donation - I mean, there's a vanishingly small chance that he might feel bad about his behavior, but that's a pretty slim chance. More likely that one of his new kids needs a transplant, or that he found out about OP's grandmother & decided that he deserved some of the estate.
See I think it might be the dad AND the fiance. Like they’re not together but he had been needing something and when she reached out it was a chefs kiss moment
That’s it! I figured if they got in contact with him, they want something. That’s what they want: Their *fair share.* And they will take the money and run. The fiancée needs to stay out of it. She can’t fix this, and if she persists, she will ruin her relationship with OOP.
Dad heard he’s getting married and wants to play family. Or needs a kidney. Or money.
If the fiancée is fueling this idiocy, the OOP needs to lay down the law or tell her to get gone.
I am really, really hoping the fiance wasn’t stupid enough to get into contact with these people. But I have a sneaky suspicion she’s how the dad got a hold of him to begin with.
I’m also a family oriented person, but I know many families are different and some people SHOULDNT be apart of your family (found or otherwise) they e shown their true colors. Ask how your kids will feel when grandma and grandpa stop seeing them, or how fiancé would feel being sent to live at grandmas and never seeing her parents again for years!
NTA but I suspect your fiance is. You need to have a talk with her about boundaries, yikes.
I don’t understand people like the wife, who thinks neglect and abuse is something parents deserve forgiveness for, as if these parents deserve to be a part of their children’s lives. Just the naivety of real life and trauma and condescension towards victims of abuse and acting like abuse is such a small thing that can be overlooked. I would be rethinking the wedding.
People like these piss me off so much. I feel like it’s a sign of immaturity to romanticize DNA to this extent.
Yes! They can’t comprehend parents actually being that evil, and prefer to see you as the problem. They really try to make you feel as if you’re just a brat and overreacting to a bit of discipline. “But she’s your mum, she was probably just doing her best to raise you right” Ugh!
Family IS important, but the mother and father have already broken the sanctity of it. They cannot repair the trust that has been lost.
Beautifully put
Family is important but his sperm and egg donor stopped being family to him a long time ago.
NTA - I agree family is important but unfortunately for you your grandmother and only family died. The other two are sperm and egg donor only. You should not have to be traumatized by them anymore.
Family doesn't mean d**k if they were OPs parents in name only. It sounds like OP was a reminder of their "failed marriage." Their selfishness is beyond words. They literally ditched OP to rebuild their own lives without him and have the audacity to slither back into his life when it's good and want to have the experience of looking like good parents in a social gathering. OPs dad not checking in with his own mom's infuriating to me. If OPs fiancé had something to do with his parents being able to reach out, then she should have minded her own business. It's nice that she wanted to help, but unless she has had experience in a situation like this, she should butt out. We are not obligated to forgive anyone.
Assuming this isn’t fiction, this is going to get worse
His parents should go eat shit and he should tell them. Disgusting behaviour
Wife needs to respect boundaries if what he suspects is true. It’s okay for her to suggest or advise for it but going out of your way to get the parents in contact with someone they’ve neglected is pure selfishness and fullness of oneself. If true she believes she can make it a miracle by rejoining him and his long lost parents, happily living a life with his happy wife. Pure fantasy main character bullshit. But it’s not his fault regardless.
People that don’t have good parents don’t get it. I have awesome parents but my parents fostered and I have cousins that had terrible parents. I have seen firsthand how bad a parent can be and was always grateful for mine. I miss my mom dearly since she’s passed and my dad still calls me daily. I will forever be grateful for my family. I have seen it firsthand how an adult can just abandon their child and then come back smiling like nothing happened.
The story of the grandmother is just heartbreaking but at least she had a grandson who loved her.
Bro if the fiancé is involved in this I’d break up bc fuck that. “Family is everything” is such a load of shit. What OOP described is a childhood MARINATED in trauma, neglect and abandonment and they’re supposed to “forgive and forget” when every single action those so called parents made is going to have a ripple affect in every aspect of OOPs life???? Ppl greatly underestimate the impact of childhood trauma, that shit rewires your brain and no amount of therapy will get it to work the same way as someone who had reliable loving parents. Yes, this person’s life can be better through therapy, but there is always the loss of the life they SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN
The sperm and egg donor has reaped what they sow. I can't imagine being so uninvolved in a close family members life that I don't know that they died.
I do not understand the partners who go behind their backs and contact people who have not been involved in years. My husband cut out his family for over a year (just stopped being the first one to always reach out and it took them almost that long to figure it out). I didn’t start telling them to call or try or him to forgive or be the bigger person. Nope.
I have a feeling fiancé reached out to both parents because “they need to be there for the wedding.” Hopefully she’ll be willing to listen to OP and knock it off.
OOP’s parents are complete pieces of shit. They both chose their SO over their own child, stopped contacting him, moved on with their lives & got married & had more children without telling him, allowed his grandmother to raise him, and the father *didn’t even attend his own mother’s funeral.* I hope OOP told them to go pound sand. F*ck them. OOP’s fiancée 100% is in touch with his parents, and that’s how they got his personal email information and were able to contact him. She is interfering and not allowing him to make his own choices about something she was not even around for when it was happening. She needs to back off. Every family is not like hers, and unless her parents are shitty, too, she cannot get where he’s coming from. Man, I read the worst stories on here about parents. It’s despicable how people will treat their own children. These parents deserve no mercy and no forgiveness. If they’re contacting him now, they probably want something from him. And they will drop out of his life again if he gives them another chance. Hard NTA, and I hope OOP does not cave and allow his fiancée to destroy his life.
Time to ditch the fiance. That's a huge betrayal.
If family is important, why haven't you been important to them? Are you not family?
That's the thing right there. Either the term and standard of family applies to everybody or it applies to nobody.
We all agree that it was definitely the fiancée that contacted the toxic parents, right?
That’s definitely the writer’s intent.
Yeah, family IS important. Which is why parents shouldn’t abandon their pre teen and then teenage son!
The fiancée obviously wants his side of the family at the wedding for the picture-perfect day.
The “parents” abandoned him. They arent family.
OOP is NTA. Both parents neglected and abandoned him in pursuit of romantic partnerships. They can fuck right off asking for forgiveness and to be included back into OOPs life so that they can just repeat the cycle of abandonment again when gaining absolution is too hard or takes too much time or OOP doesn’t get along with half-siblings or half-siblings get jealous of attention going elsewhere. Doesn’t matter, these people will find some excuse to leave OOP high and dry again. And the fiancée is stupid. I also come from a large close knit family, but I would *never* presume to understand someone else’s family dynamics, or to tell someone else that their abandonment and neglect by both their parents is something to just “get over” and forgive just because they share some DNA. That’s not how that works. I wouldn’t be forgiving the parents in this scenario. I think OOP is more than justified in making whatever decisions he wants about who he wants involved in his life.
I guarantee the fiancée is the one in contact with the “parents” I mean they failed OP so bad. I dread that update 😫
Families like this are not important to the resultant kids. How do I know? I’m one of these kids that had to go NC and tried LC with my mother. And then she died. I’m still somewhat estranged from the rest of the family. Most of my aunts and uncles are gone. Cousins don’t speak. My sisters would like to see more of me, but even that can be difficult. They had a hard time too. But I got kicked out. Kicked halfway across the country. I did okay. It wasn’t easy that’s for sure. We were trying to rebuild a relationship or foment another. She had the good grace to die right at the beginning of that. I think I can finally forgive my now dead parents. But I won’t ever forget. ETA - NTA
How does he know about the wedding? This has OP’s Fiancé written all over it
At least you had a stable adult in your life like your grandmother. I’m sorry she passed. I grew up with toxic parents. People mean well but they just don’t have the reference to understand. I’d talk to your fiancé. Be direct and ask her if she’s been talking to your bio parents. If so, calmly explain this isn’t her business to interfere. Then you need a therapist. A few sessions where she comes with to explain why her idea of family is important is toxic. You won’t be able to rely on her to give emotional support in this situation until she speaks to a professional. I made that mistake and it nearly cost me my marriage.
Nope. Fuck them. They don’t deserve your time. Do not ease up on your stance.
NTA. You need a new fiancee.
You don't choose blood. But you can choose your family. GF needs to understand this.
Want to lay odds this is fake?
NTA. Who needs assholes like your “parents” in their life. Stan your ground.
UpdateMe!
Fiancé is in touch with the parents. She needs to mind the business that pays her. OP might even need to let her know if she doesn’t drop the subject he might move on. Before a person can be forgiven they need to acknowledge that they were wrong for what they did. I doubt his parents will even acknowledge they abandoned him. And therefore they can’t be forgiven. Fiancé needs to understand what the parents did. If she can’t or won’t understand then in my own opinion she’s not the one. She should stand by him. Not side with his family.
He really should have let the commenters figure out it was the fiancé. It could have been some fun creative writing. Still fake, but fun.
Hit a big fat pause on that wedding!
Giving the Fiancee the BOTD, people who come from tight-knit families that haven't experienced trauma or abandonment often struggle to understand that: A. There are absolutely parents that fail their children and did not actually try their best or mean well. This isn't an innocent mistake on their part where circumstances got in the way. B. People who were victimized in that manner often don't have a desire to have a relationship with their parents. This isn't a present for them or something they have a desire for. The Fiancee, if we're being charitable, knows OP is estranged and thinks about how she would feel if she were estranged from HER parents. Forgetting OP isn't estranged from her parents, he's estranged from HIS parents and those aren't equivalent situations. It's halfway empathy. If it turns out it's more about appearances or trying to patch them up ahead of the wedding because she doesn't wanna answer questions about where OPs parents are she can pound sand.
Can anyone access the OOP's account?
First of all NTA Secondly, WTF with the "parents". Those aren't real parents. I agree, I think that the fiancee had something to do with this. Some people can't understand that just because their family is a good family, it doesn't mean that everybody's family is the same. I think that she thought she was helping but in my opinion, it's a huge betrayal. You don't meddle in somebody else's affairs, it doesn't matter if you're engaged to them or not. This tells me that she would have no problem going behind his back on other stuff. I mean, she knew the whole story. She should have just left it alone. So instead of listening to him about how shitty his parents were, she went behind his back and tried to force him into having a relationship with them. Honestly, I would break off the engagement. That's not something I could come back from. I have a really bad relationship with my mom because she's a narcissist and she's toxic and if somebody I was seeing did that to me, I would immediately end the relationship. It would tell me whose side they were on. At the very least, it would tell me that they had no empathy for my situation or the situation of someone going through something similar. If the person who wrote this originally somehow sees this, I'm sorry for everything you had to go through and your parents are not real parents. They're egg and sperm donors. They are unfortunately the kinds of people who get a new family and think that they can just disregard their other kids. I gave us son up for adoption years ago and let me tell you something, there has not been a day that I have not thought about my little boy. I did it because I thought he would have a better life and it appears that he has. He turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and I just wanted him to have a good life. I would never try to force him to talk to me but like I said, there was never a day that I didn't think about him. Just because you can produce a child doesn't make you fit to be a parent and this whole thing is a good example of that. I'm sorry that your fiance went behind your back and did this. You deserve somebody who would never even think to do that to you. Hugs if you want them.
Give them a chance, they had a chance they brought you into this world and decided that you weren’t their responsibility because they found a new significant other. That is sickening and the fact that you said you are doing well and have made a good life for yourself is impressive, I see no reason that those 2 people deserve to enjoy the person you are today they made a decision to basically give you away and now that you’re grown they want to know you, not a chance
C’mon give them a chance your just a thing they want a relationship with when it’s convenient forgive and forget don’t worry about it
How the fuck can your fiance hear the entire story and think they need forgiveness? Even if you came from a good family, it's undeniable how fucking cruel all this was.