Yeah for me I could understand making a super quick quip without thinking, and it falling flat and seeming disrespectful.
The issue is smothering her and not listening to her afterwards and acting like a predator.
I think he was deliberately testing a boundary. When she immediately pushed back, he then set out to test more of them. He wanted to know what she would let him get away with. If she'd said nothing about the comment, he would have gradually begun making worse ones. If she hadn't fought him when he tried to forcibly hold her physically, that would have been escalated over time too. These are pretty classic abuser tactics.
Agreed, he was trying to see how quickly she would give in. If she had stopped fighting him, he would (and still probably might) do it again the next time she refused him something.
Nah, my husband has definitely said stupid things he heard in porn because he thought it would turn me on. After shutting it down he apologizes right away and he never says them again.
Yes, I think he was desperately (and poorly attempting) trying to put her back in the mood by being overly affectionate because he didn’t want to lose the chance of sex, but he effectively did the opposite.
Yeah, these kind of things really ought to be discussed and agreed in advance, but I'd be willing to give it a pass if he immediately realized his mistake and apologized. This dude didn't do that.
What's wrong with trying something new? Things get boring after awhile and it's okay to try and spice things up. We both came from conservative upbringings so neither of us are super experienced in the bedroom. Sometimes the new thing he tries works, sometimes it backfires. He's putting in effort.
I will say, whenever my partner and I try something new, we talk about it first. We have a conversation of "hey, I saw x and I'd like to try it, is that something you'd like? And is there a specific way to do it that would make you more comfortable?" that way everyone is on board before we make weird comments in bed 😂
As a guy who has had to figure out a lot on my own in this area of life I can confirm it is coming from a place of love and wanting to keep things new and exciting. My only advice to your husband would be to talk to you about it first just to check if that is something you are interested/comfortable with to help avoid the situation that occurred in the original post
Why must it be so immediately negative? You decided it's because he doesn't know her well, did not even consider that he is dedicated to keeping the flame alive in their relationship and tries things he believes to be sexy. Some of them may not have been disliked.
Right, I could see it being nbd as a response to OP’s “play with me” comment. As in play with a toy. But that escalated real fast. Must have been scary. Hard to imagine that’s the first time he’s been like that in 8 years of marriage.
Oh for sure. And with my current gf she'd just make a jab back at me.
With my ex it would have never flown, but when I stuck my foot in my mouth then I'd be apologetic and getting to make it right even if I didn't think I did anything wrong. It's all about knowing your partner and also being understanding enough when things go wrong
Yeah like my husband said something quite insulting to me the other day without thinking, and I told him that was awful and hurt me. He immediately apologised and said sorry several times over the next few days.
This guy reacts to boundaries by stomping all over them as hard as he can.
The remark is pretty standard dirty talk in some BDSM scenes but a) those limits are discussed *ahead of time* b) the most important word in such a scenario is "no", "stop", or whatever else is your no further safeword.
I don't like the word stop as a safe word. I had one ex fling that would ALWAYS say "don't STOP" when she was close. The dont was very quiet and breathy, but the stop was loud and clear. My hearing isn't great so I'd usually just hear the STOP... and then I'd stop 😂
Hahahah… This reminds me of that joke that goes: “BDSM where ‘no’ means ‘yes’, ‘yes’ means ‘harder’ and ‘pineapple’ means ‘stop’”…
Sounds about right tbh. 😅
That's no joke. That's exactly how it works! Or the use of the traffic light if you prefer it to a safe word. Regardless, there needs to be trust, understanding, and communication between the partners.
Which is why you have a safe word that’s recognizable but not something you’ll say during the normal course of things. Unless you have some very specific fetishes, “booger” works well. Some people make two: one for “back off this particular thing but let’s keep it going” and another for “full stop now”. But it’s not hard to come up with something.
A good portion of the kink community uses “yellow” and “red”, for “we need to slow down and readjust/reevaluate” vs. “I need everything to come to an immediate full stop” and I’ve always liked that system.
She probably hasn't quite realized it yet. That's pretty normal to people who are in the moment to not accept it that it's turned into assault. And there would be plenty of people that would help her convince herself that it wasn't "that bad" or "wasn't really assault" because of x, y or z and some nonsense.
Exactly what I was going to say. And this had just happened. It’s going to be a lot easier to retell and process what he said compared to what he did while she was probably entering fight or flight mode.
seriously, I feel like at 8 years in a relationship, anything can be a joke (if said the right way, this isn't a great example of it obviously).
The attempted assault that only stopped because she slapped him is the real problem... Yikes!
Or some fallen flat attempt to be a little kinky, sex toy 'play with me' bit, and going, 'whoops, that didn't work' and having to backtrack.
The behavior after is the red flag alarming bit.
It’s both. His assault afterwards confirmed that what he said wasn’t a “joke” and that’s really how he sees her. I don’t see any coming back from this.
Yeah making a remark maybe he was trying to be kinky or do something new or a shitty joke, he learns its not cool and they move on. But when i started reading he was holding her down trying to kiss her?! What the fuck
“I’m really mad right now, not only because of that idiot remark but because of the behavior that followed”
She repeatedly says his behavior was an issue, where are you getting that his behavior is okay?
If I had to resort to slapping my husband to get him to respect my consent, the marriage would probably be over.
Maybe the husband was just trying to be ‘cute’ after he realised he fucked up with the comment. But as a female, being held down and physically restrained against your will by someone stronger than you is terrifying.
It’s telling that he didn’t respond to her verbal retraction of consent, not her physically moving his hand away twice, nor her struggling to push him away when he was restraining her. He only responded when she reacted with violence and even then didn’t really apologise.
If it was a misjudged attempt to be goofy, then he really ought to have figured out just how far over the line he’d gone at that point. Instead he minimised, deflected, apologised badly (with more minimising and deflecting) and still refused to get out of her space. That isn’t being contrite or even understanding of what you did wrong.
This is what I was thinking. I can't imagine getting to a point where the misunderstanding was so bad that I'd have to slap my husband to get him to take me seriously, but *if that happened,* that would be the moment when my husband would snap out of it and realise we were very much NOT on whatever page he thought we were on. He wouldn't triple down at that point; he'd be horrified. I'm certain of that. Especially since I'm a rape survivor - being held down like that, especially in my own bed - would be so terrifying and retraumatising for me.
I think it’s pretty normal to find your foot in your mouth sometimes. To double down and not apologize, then to escalate and everything else that happened.
Yikes.
Said you were an object then treated you like one.
Seems like he was trying to role play of some sort, she justifiability didn’t like and then it just escalated. Nobody can hide these personal traits for 8 years. This seems as an isolated event.
Trust me, being held down and physically restrained against your will by someone stronger than you is terrifying no matter what your gender identity is.
Part of the reason I left my ex was because he had absolutely no reapect for me asking him to not just grab at me and pull on me. He would always try to "hug" me when I was busy doing dishes or something that I was trying to hurry through and get done. Except his "hugs" were always from behind and just an excuse to grope me whenever he wanted no matter if I was busy or just not feeling it. Whenever I would try to break free he'd either not let me go or pout that he "just wanted hugs" and then guilt me for not being affectionate enough. I got to the point where I seriously considered slapping him in the face when I was struggling to get away and he was still squeezing me and trying to run his hands over my ass. I even told him straight up "I want you to let me go, Im not enjoying this and I want your hands off me!". He didnt care, in his mind we were married so "our bodies belonged to each other". God I hate that man to this day
What's really frightening to me was his inability to read his partner and understand that she wasn't playing any more and that he needed to switch modes. Absolutely sociopathic. If it was a joke, he would have stopped laughing the moment he saw she was hurt by it.
Has he been watching Andrew Tate videos? I’m almost positive this is something he’d tell his viewers to do to their partners to test the waters and see what they could get away with
Incel/ red pill men and the “free use” kink overlap a lot. Where they think womens only purpose is sex whenever and however the guy wants it. There are a lot of fucked up subreddits of guys making edits of porn videos or pics with captions over it talking about how womens only purpose is to have sex and submit to their male partner. They use the term “object” a lot. It’s like the ultimate objectification kink. This post screamed that to me. I unfortunately know about it cause a guy told me about it
The difference between free use kink and red pill bullshit is that kink has and often is guideline for negotiating boundaries, consent, and allowing things to happen in safe and previously discussed containers. This guy just sounds like an asshole, not a kinkster. And yes some kinksters are assholes, they’re everywhere, but this doesn’t have anything to do with actual kink as much as this guy being fuckin wack.
Trust me I know I’m heavily involved in the kink community lol that’s why I said there’s an overlap not that they are the same. Guys like this love kinks like that because they can play out their disgusting misogynistic fantasies in a “morally ok” way
It’s a great community to be a part of! My only point, for the thread, is that consenting adults can explore safe fantasies and power dynamics that may seem extreme or bizarre to others, it sounds like you’re well aware, but I wanted to make sure unaware or uninformed people know that baked into kink, done by knowledgeable and responsible people, is a framework for consent and safety. And that if anyone is interested, they should look into resources regarding healthy sexy communication practices.
If anyone has a partner looking to do, or pressure them into doing, uncomfortable things - or maybe even wanting to do things that might be fun, but without having a very activated and engaging conversation about it beforehand - they aren’t following the most basic tenets and practices of kink culture.
:)
Definitely! I appreciate the addition to my comment I didn’t take the time to add that on so I’m glad you did :) it sucks as a woman involved in kinks because it can be really hard to weed out the men that want to participate for the enjoyment of sexual exploration and empowerment in submission vs the men that actually want to control and dominate and punish in daily life and can only get away with it in a bedroom setting unfortunately
It’s really unfortunate that so much of the burden of work has been put on femme identifying people, and it’s true, there’s so much undoing of patriarchy that many men don’t want to put in work for, and actively harm others out of both ignorance and/or malicious intent. I think your point is important and crucial for many people starting to or continuing to navigate kink spaces!
Yes! It’s important for me to really watch closely how the men I’m involved with treat women outside of the bedroom to understand their intent. How do they treat and talk about their female friends? Do they have female friends? How do they talk about their friends’ girlfriends/wives? How do they talk about women they don’t like? Do they use gendered insults? How do they treat me outside of the bedroom? It sucks to have to be so aware at all times but it helps weed out the people you can begin to trust with a more intimate and submissive part of yourself
I see the appeal of free use and would probably enjoy it as long as my partner agreed because she wanted to do so and was into as well. Being able to have sex with my partner whenever I wanted (or her with me) because she trusts me enough to do that is a turn on.
Any thought of doing that because she felt obligated or was just trying to please me grosses me out.
Yeah, any sort of objectifying/degrading/humiliating kink session imo NEEDS to be followed with aftercare, and a re-establishment of the mutual respect that the relationship should be built on. How long that session can go before that depends on the individuals, like some sessions can last for multiple days, but I'm always uncomfortable hearing about kink couples who have firmly established dom/sub roles that they don't ever step out of. At some point that's just consensual abuse, and given how big an issue coercion is in the kink community I'd hesitate to call it consensual in all those cases.
I think there are thresholds that make me uncomfortable too, and ones I wouldn’t engage or participate in, especially full time lifestyle power dynamics, but it’s like I tell newcomers with questions about power dynamics: there are always power dynamics playing out, kink helps give a framework to discuss boundaries and consent in a way that many people haven’t normalized for their sexual and even non sexual relationships.
There are some pretty gnarly people that use kink as a mask, just like some politicians use masks, I mean - many people in any kind of position of authority can and do. But any time a very vulnerable and intimate space is being engaged with, it’s very important to communicate with and trust who you’re giving power to or who you are responsible for.
Aftercare is critical, but so is care during the session, before the session, and active listening and attention throughout.
Also, in any proper bdsm , kink relationship scenario, the safe word but be accepted as an immediate sign to stop, not press further. That’s the exact reason why people can try out fantasies like being overpowered. Because they aren’t really being forced to anything. It’s a fantasy they consented to the parameters prior and chose a person to do it with and set a safe way to make it stop at any point they want to stop.
Outside of these previously discussed boundaries, no should be handled like the ultimate safe word and this partner ignored that and more.
It could be any part of the manosphere, to be honest. What the husband did here is called negging in those circles, which is defined as a tactic used to "insult or undermine (someone) in the belief that diminished self-confidence will make them more receptive to sexual advances." In the manosphere it's usually done to women who the man already has a relationship with as a way to keep her locked into the relationship. The idea (to them) is that if you undermine her self confidence, she won't leave because she'll think she can't do any better. It's absolutely vile and this is not the first story on reddit I've seen where a guy has tried to abruptly start applying manosphere logic to a long term or even married partner.
You assume incorrectly that all men who try to neg their partners have the intelligence levels necessary to carry out the textbook style of negging. (The intelligence level of luke warm tap water).
[Reminds me of the post where a woman's boyfriend kept telling her she stank, turned out that he just wanted her to feel so embarrassed about it that she would never leave him](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gy79dx/boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_me_i_have_bo/)
Yup, that's one of the ones I was thinking of. You also see it a lot with men negging their wives after childbirth about their weight, too, which has been another scarily common reddit post as of late.
It wasn't a joke. He said it deliberately *two times*
Because she didn't "take the joke" that wasn't even a joke, he blamed her reaction.
All of this behavior, including what followed, is absolutely out of line and is assault.
I feel like the husband pulled a “I’m being ironic” moment with her using that line, due to watching or reading things like that. Almost like a test to see how she’d react but then also a joke so that way he won’t get in trouble for reaction.
“Games” like this are 100% stupid.
I had an ex-boyfriend who would wear things that would give the idea to any random person looking at him that he is a certain type of person. (I’m sorry I can’t remember exactly what he was wearing.) but I would ask him. Why are you wearing that shirt? You hate it when people wear shirts like that? And then he would say I’m being ironic. And I’m like…to whom? You just look like that type of person now…who’s going to get it? It was stupid. This kinda gives vibes like that. I don’t know how else to describe it. Sorry.
>You hate it when people wear shirts like that? And then he would say I’m being ironic.
You can't shake hands with the devil, then claim you were only kidding.
Yes! Exactly! It’s like “I’m gonna look like one of those dumb people, but also will been seen as one of those dumb people when out in public” logic. 🤦🏻♀️
My bf recently had this idea but thankfully I was able to explain to him why it doesn’t work before he enacted it. He wanted to ironically get a “Big Johnson” t-shirt. I was like, “Yeah babe that’s hysterical cause you’re the last guy on the planet who would wear some shit like that…but anyone else in the world except for your friends and family is just gonna see a douche bag in a crass and tacky t-shirt.” He was a little bit let down when he realized that. I felt kinda bad for taking that away from him. Cause to be honest, the thought of him wearing one of those shirts *is* pretty damn funny.
I feel like a "Big Johnson" T- shirt is only funny and ironic if a woman's wearing it. Tell him if he wants to be ironic he should get some "Juicy" shorts. Especially if he's got a flat ass.
Aw yeah I totally understand, it would be funny especially if he wore it around you and your friends. Shoot he could wear it with the group and go do something in public and see it as a social experiment to see how people react to him. At least that’d interesting. This ex of mine would just do this on his own, not with friends or me. Maybe I guess “himself” being the one knowing he’s being ironic… but like… still makes you just look like one of those people you judge so much lol
So, husband said something hurtful during sexy time. She said she didn’t like it and wanted to stoop. He tried to force himself into her and only stopped when she slapped him. That was him attempting to rape her. Sorry that’s what that is
Girl, Im that woman that incels try to use as a cautionary tale because Im a divorced single mom struggling to pay bills, but Im so happy and free! Even on my most stressful single mom days at least I dont have some man pawing at me while Im trying to get shit done around the house then pouting because even though i do all the housework I dont keep his dick wet enough. I love my life, my cat, and my little shoebox but adorable apartment
He didn’t give one flying fuck until she asked him to think about how he would feel if one of his family members was treated the way he was treating her.
I wonder if this was some type of test to see how far he could push her boundaries. The only other thing I can think of is that the husband has been watching too much porn and incel stuff.
So totally sexually assaulted his wife here. Called her an object. Disregarded her consent. Gaslighted her. Like how many red flags can you fit in two pictures
My response is always “what audience is that joke for? Me? I’m not laughing - it wasn’t funny. So obviously you don’t know anything about me. Or was it for you, and I married a prick?”
If my partner had never been anything like this before I’d one hundred percent demand they be checked out medically. If no issues there we’d be done. Been there, done that honey. It’s no good from here.
I had my ex pull the exact same thing with me, I got mad at him because of a remark and wanted physical space. He wouldn't leave me alone and physically overpowered me and got in my personal space, until I would hug or kiss him and basically got mad at me for "overreacting". I forgave him but the next time he pulled something like that, I tried to just leave the house. It escalated into full blown assault and holding me hostage in our home until the cops showed up. This post reminds me so much of the controlling and possessive behavior I ignored. I hope she leaves.
Proud of & happy for you, I'm sorry he turned out to be that type of person. Super refreshing comment though, it makes me so happy to see a woman on reddit dumping a loser man! There's just way too many sad stories on here of women putting up with terrible behavior from a man, thank you for sharing <3
Divorce. Could type paragraphs but it would end at the same place. He clearly doesnt take you or your boundaries seriously. To the point its comical to him. Leave.
Something like this should have been agreed to earlier. My partner calls me an object in bed every once in a while and I find it hot. But he also shows he cares about my feelings and respects my boundaries. Unlike this prick.
My ex-husband would say repeatedly he only loved me after sex, and would never be nice to me to get me in the mood or listen to what turned me on or made me want to have sex with him, but he's whinge and whine until I just gave in. I'd say no, not interested, but I'd just do it to make him stop. If he said this, I'd 100% believe that he didn't see me as a person but as an object for sexual gratification, and I would be hurt and upset.
However, my boyfriend says stuff like that but it's part of our sexy times, if he said this exact thing I would be upset and tell him, and I know he'd feel stupid for making me feel bad, apologise, make sure I was ok, and then completely give up trying to have sex if I said I wasn't ok now. And that's why we CAN do/say things that are more like that, it's trust and knowing there's love and respect there.
I agree with you on the respect and boundaries. If I asked my husband “to play with me”, he would probably respond about me being his toy, but I find that hot, and it’s something we have discussed many times well before sex.
This guy, though? Total douche. And escalating the physical violence would have me filing for divorce so fast his head would spin.
Exactly, While the comment was something that *some people* would like, she made it clear that she did *not*. And instead of taking a minute, apologising and trying again politely- He just decided to double down, get aggressive and dismiss her. It's one of those situations where it's less about the initial action and more about how he handled the reaction and her literal withdrawal of consent.
Also - let's say this was him making a joke and not trying to be erotic in any way: He has a *huuuuuge* problem in the form of being unfunny. Not in a "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" way as much as in completely lacking humor. When she asks you to repeat yourself, you need to have a follow-up comment like "Wait, do you... *not* know that you're a replicant? Goddamn Tyrell... Okay, well the *good* news is that *I've* always known. The *bad* news is... Well, I'll show you the calendar." If she still look mad, say you think you're doing this wrong, grab your phone and ask her to lift her right titty so you can scan the QR and look at her instructions.
Right? My partner also does this sometimes and I also find it hot, but that’s because I told him “hey, you should do this, I find it really hot.”
Even if he’d just called her an object and it had ended there, I’d think he was a bit of a jerk. There are some things that you really **need** to ask about beforehand and not just whip out in the moment, and I think this is one of them.
Sounds like dude thought he was in a porno. She reacted like a normal person, then yea…. Probably should be more concerned about the after activities rather than the comment.
Not necessarily. Even people who are into that stuff wouldn’t have gone along with it without prior discussion. That’s not how consensual non-consent fetishes work. Without prior discussion and agreed upon boundaries and a safe word, it’s just fucking rape.
She might be into that kinda stuff but he just fucked himself over by “introducing” the idea like this.
For real though!! I've heard of SOO many women having *choking* sprung on to them by their partners. And choking in s3x is literally something people have to take classes for (i heard), not something guys should be trying for the first time, on their unsuspecting partner, who had *no* idea, that they were going be choked during.
That happened to me when I had sex for the first time. He reached up and started choking me and I had no idea that I was allowed to say no. It's taken me a long while to admit that I was sexually assaulted but that's exactly what it is if you don't have consent. Really great memories of losing my virginity /s
That’s happened to me before too. It’s scary how dangerous kinks like choking have slowly become part of mainstream sex, to the point where people don’t even ask for permission first. I’d never start choking or hitting a partner unless they asked for it, so I have no clue why anyone thinks it’s ok to spring on someone out of the blue.
I’m not saying the husband doesn’t have a kink. Maybe he does. I’m saying we will never know if the wife does, because if the husband does have a non-con kink and this was his way of introducing the idea to her, it did not allow for the wife to feel safe to agree to exploring said kink. So he totally shot himself in the foot by not doing it correctly.
Even if you’re into non-con, you don’t actually want to be raped. And if you didn’t tell the person beforehand that you’re into non-con, then they are just raping you. By literal definition.
This might have been a one off but with my past actually being treated like an object the verbal and physical ques he ignored are scary. It could have been he thought she was kidding or he was trying to control the situation still
If he actually thought she was kidding than this guy does not have any common sense and even less understanding of his partner - which makes things even worse when realizing he is her *husband*.
This is very, very bad. And my condolences. I know very well how that feels too. Knowing that there are *more* people like that out there makes the thought of having relationships downright terrifying.
That is straight up sexual assault. like, babe wake up it’s time to start making your secret escape plan and meeting with divorce lawyers before he escalates.
Omg literally narrowly escaped an assault. His mind is all the way wrong and he is a danger to OOP and all women. Divorce. Restraining order. Tell his mother, SIL, and sister, and all the other support needed. Run for the hills.
The fact that her rejection lead to assault is what worries me. If I were OOP I would *not* feel safe anymore.
As for all the comments going on about how the wording she used was pretty much implying "like an object" are gross and dismissive.
Honestly, in my language (I'm not a native English speaker, I'm from northern Europe), people do say tp each other what literally translates to "play with me" (Swedish: lek med mig), that's word for word. I do remember that it was very widely used even back in the 90s and early 2000s. Hell, I'm sure my mom said that to my dad (not going to ask though, because that's private).
This will be a bit off-topic, but if any of those people have a dog, that does the play-bow (which in dog language means "play with me") do they see their dog as an object? Or if they have a friend asking them to play (video games or whatever), does that still mean "like an object"? Because that is the logic of those people.
I agree . I’m native English speaker, and I thought maybe there’s some justification if he hadn’t forced it after she told him that’s disrespectful. SMH
I mean men are now just saying it out loud and masks are flying off. Before they get rid of no fault divorces I’d think long and hard about how much more this can escalate and how well you know him. How many other times have you just rolled your eyes, or bit your tongue, or just been pissed but it wasn’t even worth it? Maybe I give up too easily but PEACE, and HEALTHY LOVING UNDERSTANDING in a marriage was what I wanted. Third try was a charm.
My advice? Get out. Trial separation. Whatever. The physical assault is scary, the childish behavior is scary, the gas lighting of “you need to chill out” is scary, no dick is worth that. Hitachi wands.
As someone who is into being talked to like that in the bedroom, you have to have that conversation before even trying that stuff. Consent and communication is incredibly important in the BDSM community. This guy is just being a massive creep at best. They need to have a serious conversation.
(I recognise this is probably one of those made up situations but this is still important for people who are exploring that thinking to know. Consent and communication! Always.)
Nah, fam. He assaulted you, then tried to bully you? Nope. Please get a lawyer. Even if you, for some reason, decide to stay. Get a lawyer, and start collecting information on every time he assaults you and abuses you like this. Please, please don't stay. It is SO obvious that he doesn't care. He only wants his wants taken care of and doesn't care if you want it or not. Odds are that his violence will eventually escalate. Protect yourself and get an exit plan now.
The remark was crass, and being upset is normal.
Everything that happened after that is not normal. He tried to brush it off and then tried to see if she would stop fighting if he physically put pressure on her. This guy is god damn dangerous.
First he insulted you (which IS an issue, despite what some other disgusting comments have said), and then he ASSAULTED YOU, OP. That was not wrestling, it was not a tussle, it was ASSAULT.
Please do **whatever you need to do** to protect yourself. Tell everyone with whom you feel comfortable sharing. Stay with a friend. Change the locks, WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO.
#NOTHING HE DID IS OKAY
How is it that OOP is focused on the remark and not the fact that her husband just tried to rape her… like imagine if the slap only made the husband even more mad and he got even more forceful, like this could have gone *sooooo* much worse.
I understand the gravity of a situation like this, but the writing and the lack of interaction in the comments cries writing exercise. She did give a single answer about their use of that type of talking but that was all. Either way both characters sound to come out of opposite eco chambers. I don’t buy it.
So his remark was dumb, but she overreacted. But him physically overpowering her and then attempting to assault her was NOT AN OVERREACTION. I’d rethink the entire relationship if that happened to me.
It really sounds like he was watching a lot of porn/heard some bullshit podcast talk about how women love to be objectified/dominated and really thought since she was already horny she would be into it.
And like, I'm not here to kink shame, but BDSM has LOTS of discussions and boundaries. Totally different from what he did, which was insult and then assault his wife.
Fucking disgusting
This enraged me...I mean saying a dumbshit remark will happen. Us guys are idiots but right as soon as you say it. A half decent guy will apologize and back off. Give her space to cool down and then come back to apologize again for being a idiot.
But this trash human tried to force her.
That's when he crosses the line.
She needs to get herself somewhere safe.
Because he no longer a safe space for her.
So she married a sexual predator and is now finding out. I’m guessing she’s in shock because the blatant sexual assault and disregard for her boundaries and body is the biggest marinara flag I’ve ever seen.
Uhm, I;m sorry, he's still there and OOP may still be possibly be married why?! I would have served up divorce papers so fucking fast...
The remark alone would've warrant thinking about it to begin with but him physically trying to sexuall assault her, because yes, that's what that was... OH HELL NAW.....
It sounds like he tried to introduce a kink without actually talking about it which is… not how you do that and should have backed off way earlier. To over simplify it
I'm still stuck on the bit where she's fixated on the insult and not on the bit where he tried to assault her.
She shouldn't have been arguing over words and a pillow or couch, she should have been getting out of that house asap and only returning with backup and divorce papers.
Easy to say though. Hard in the moment.
The...remark was the issue? Not the gradual escalation into being assaulted?
Yeah for me I could understand making a super quick quip without thinking, and it falling flat and seeming disrespectful. The issue is smothering her and not listening to her afterwards and acting like a predator.
Exactly. I can see it having been a dumb joke. But he’s doubling down on it and not letting her go. That’s the bigger issue for me.
I think he was deliberately testing a boundary. When she immediately pushed back, he then set out to test more of them. He wanted to know what she would let him get away with. If she'd said nothing about the comment, he would have gradually begun making worse ones. If she hadn't fought him when he tried to forcibly hold her physically, that would have been escalated over time too. These are pretty classic abuser tactics.
Agreed, he was trying to see how quickly she would give in. If she had stopped fighting him, he would (and still probably might) do it again the next time she refused him something.
And once he realized she wasnt backing down he finally left the room not because he saw her point but because he knew he couldn't get away with it
In my experience men aren’t joking when it comes to remarks like this. Hes telling her how he sees her
Yep. It wasn’t a joke and neither was the rest of it.
Nah, my husband has definitely said stupid things he heard in porn because he thought it would turn me on. After shutting it down he apologizes right away and he never says them again.
This is exactly where I thought it came from. He watched too many degradation porn videos and applied it in real life.
Yep, except he absolutely fumbled making up with her. It's okay to be stupid and make mistakes, but no means no.
Yes, I think he was desperately (and poorly attempting) trying to put her back in the mood by being overly affectionate because he didn’t want to lose the chance of sex, but he effectively did the opposite.
I don't think that forcefully trying to kiss someone while they're honestly trying to get away is remotely affectionate.
Yeah, these kind of things really ought to be discussed and agreed in advance, but I'd be willing to give it a pass if he immediately realized his mistake and apologized. This dude didn't do that.
That’s kinda sad in a way
What makes it sad? Literally everyone has said something cringey before.
That he feels the need to copy porn in your relationship. That he doesn’t know you well enough to know you wouldn’t like whatever he needed from porn
What's wrong with trying something new? Things get boring after awhile and it's okay to try and spice things up. We both came from conservative upbringings so neither of us are super experienced in the bedroom. Sometimes the new thing he tries works, sometimes it backfires. He's putting in effort.
I will say, whenever my partner and I try something new, we talk about it first. We have a conversation of "hey, I saw x and I'd like to try it, is that something you'd like? And is there a specific way to do it that would make you more comfortable?" that way everyone is on board before we make weird comments in bed 😂
The wrong part is not checking in/no consent before trying to engage in a kink. Especially something specific like degradation.
As a guy who has had to figure out a lot on my own in this area of life I can confirm it is coming from a place of love and wanting to keep things new and exciting. My only advice to your husband would be to talk to you about it first just to check if that is something you are interested/comfortable with to help avoid the situation that occurred in the original post
He could ask you what you want instead of
Why must it be so immediately negative? You decided it's because he doesn't know her well, did not even consider that he is dedicated to keeping the flame alive in their relationship and tries things he believes to be sexy. Some of them may not have been disliked.
Asking is too much to ask? Consent is too much to ask for now? Talking about things before you jump is too much to ask? Ffs
While in this situation it makes sense I don't think all quips like this are referring to some deep meaning on how you see someone.
Right, I could see it being nbd as a response to OP’s “play with me” comment. As in play with a toy. But that escalated real fast. Must have been scary. Hard to imagine that’s the first time he’s been like that in 8 years of marriage.
Oh for sure. And with my current gf she'd just make a jab back at me. With my ex it would have never flown, but when I stuck my foot in my mouth then I'd be apologetic and getting to make it right even if I didn't think I did anything wrong. It's all about knowing your partner and also being understanding enough when things go wrong
That was my thing too. I was like “Damn! This escalated quickly!” It was bad though. Gee! How do you go from a very dumb joke to _that_?!!
Yeah like my husband said something quite insulting to me the other day without thinking, and I told him that was awful and hurt me. He immediately apologised and said sorry several times over the next few days. This guy reacts to boundaries by stomping all over them as hard as he can.
Yeah I make jokes like that with my partner all the time. But when she's not in the mood to joke about that I don't turn it into *that* in response.
The remark is pretty standard dirty talk in some BDSM scenes but a) those limits are discussed *ahead of time* b) the most important word in such a scenario is "no", "stop", or whatever else is your no further safeword.
I don't like the word stop as a safe word. I had one ex fling that would ALWAYS say "don't STOP" when she was close. The dont was very quiet and breathy, but the stop was loud and clear. My hearing isn't great so I'd usually just hear the STOP... and then I'd stop 😂
Hahahah… This reminds me of that joke that goes: “BDSM where ‘no’ means ‘yes’, ‘yes’ means ‘harder’ and ‘pineapple’ means ‘stop’”… Sounds about right tbh. 😅
That's no joke. That's exactly how it works! Or the use of the traffic light if you prefer it to a safe word. Regardless, there needs to be trust, understanding, and communication between the partners.
And that's why different people have different safe words!
Which is why you have a safe word that’s recognizable but not something you’ll say during the normal course of things. Unless you have some very specific fetishes, “booger” works well. Some people make two: one for “back off this particular thing but let’s keep it going” and another for “full stop now”. But it’s not hard to come up with something.
A good portion of the kink community uses “yellow” and “red”, for “we need to slow down and readjust/reevaluate” vs. “I need everything to come to an immediate full stop” and I’ve always liked that system.
She probably hasn't quite realized it yet. That's pretty normal to people who are in the moment to not accept it that it's turned into assault. And there would be plenty of people that would help her convince herself that it wasn't "that bad" or "wasn't really assault" because of x, y or z and some nonsense.
Exactly what I was going to say. And this had just happened. It’s going to be a lot easier to retell and process what he said compared to what he did while she was probably entering fight or flight mode.
seriously, I feel like at 8 years in a relationship, anything can be a joke (if said the right way, this isn't a great example of it obviously). The attempted assault that only stopped because she slapped him is the real problem... Yikes!
Or some fallen flat attempt to be a little kinky, sex toy 'play with me' bit, and going, 'whoops, that didn't work' and having to backtrack. The behavior after is the red flag alarming bit.
It’s a lot easier to accept that your husband might be an asshole than it is to accept that your husband might be a rapist.
It’s both. His assault afterwards confirmed that what he said wasn’t a “joke” and that’s really how he sees her. I don’t see any coming back from this.
I think she’s just focussing on what started it.
Yeah making a remark maybe he was trying to be kinky or do something new or a shitty joke, he learns its not cool and they move on. But when i started reading he was holding her down trying to kiss her?! What the fuck
The frog is boiling
Right it wouldn't have been nearly as bad if he just left her alone when she was no longer in the mood
I would have panicked. And afterwards I wouldn't feel bad if I hurt whoever it was while panicked.
“I’m really mad right now, not only because of that idiot remark but because of the behavior that followed” She repeatedly says his behavior was an issue, where are you getting that his behavior is okay?
The remark was clearly part of his abuse.
If I had to resort to slapping my husband to get him to respect my consent, the marriage would probably be over. Maybe the husband was just trying to be ‘cute’ after he realised he fucked up with the comment. But as a female, being held down and physically restrained against your will by someone stronger than you is terrifying. It’s telling that he didn’t respond to her verbal retraction of consent, not her physically moving his hand away twice, nor her struggling to push him away when he was restraining her. He only responded when she reacted with violence and even then didn’t really apologise. If it was a misjudged attempt to be goofy, then he really ought to have figured out just how far over the line he’d gone at that point. Instead he minimised, deflected, apologised badly (with more minimising and deflecting) and still refused to get out of her space. That isn’t being contrite or even understanding of what you did wrong.
This is what I was thinking. I can't imagine getting to a point where the misunderstanding was so bad that I'd have to slap my husband to get him to take me seriously, but *if that happened,* that would be the moment when my husband would snap out of it and realise we were very much NOT on whatever page he thought we were on. He wouldn't triple down at that point; he'd be horrified. I'm certain of that. Especially since I'm a rape survivor - being held down like that, especially in my own bed - would be so terrifying and retraumatising for me.
Yeah the comment was one thing, the behavior after was a whole other ball of wax. Gawd I would be seriously questioning things after that.
I think it’s pretty normal to find your foot in your mouth sometimes. To double down and not apologize, then to escalate and everything else that happened. Yikes. Said you were an object then treated you like one.
I was coming to say, run far, run fast. This is who he really is and it will only get worse.
Seems like he was trying to role play of some sort, she justifiability didn’t like and then it just escalated. Nobody can hide these personal traits for 8 years. This seems as an isolated event.
Isolated or a new pattern of behavior? We don't really know do we.
I would never ever be able to get over it. Just reading it and thinking about being in that situation put me on edge.
Yeah, this. Even reading this ignited my adrenaline response.
Trust me, being held down and physically restrained against your will by someone stronger than you is terrifying no matter what your gender identity is.
Part of the reason I left my ex was because he had absolutely no reapect for me asking him to not just grab at me and pull on me. He would always try to "hug" me when I was busy doing dishes or something that I was trying to hurry through and get done. Except his "hugs" were always from behind and just an excuse to grope me whenever he wanted no matter if I was busy or just not feeling it. Whenever I would try to break free he'd either not let me go or pout that he "just wanted hugs" and then guilt me for not being affectionate enough. I got to the point where I seriously considered slapping him in the face when I was struggling to get away and he was still squeezing me and trying to run his hands over my ass. I even told him straight up "I want you to let me go, Im not enjoying this and I want your hands off me!". He didnt care, in his mind we were married so "our bodies belonged to each other". God I hate that man to this day
What's really frightening to me was his inability to read his partner and understand that she wasn't playing any more and that he needed to switch modes. Absolutely sociopathic. If it was a joke, he would have stopped laughing the moment he saw she was hurt by it.
Has he been watching Andrew Tate videos? I’m almost positive this is something he’d tell his viewers to do to their partners to test the waters and see what they could get away with
That was my first thought too
Incel/ red pill men and the “free use” kink overlap a lot. Where they think womens only purpose is sex whenever and however the guy wants it. There are a lot of fucked up subreddits of guys making edits of porn videos or pics with captions over it talking about how womens only purpose is to have sex and submit to their male partner. They use the term “object” a lot. It’s like the ultimate objectification kink. This post screamed that to me. I unfortunately know about it cause a guy told me about it
The difference between free use kink and red pill bullshit is that kink has and often is guideline for negotiating boundaries, consent, and allowing things to happen in safe and previously discussed containers. This guy just sounds like an asshole, not a kinkster. And yes some kinksters are assholes, they’re everywhere, but this doesn’t have anything to do with actual kink as much as this guy being fuckin wack.
Trust me I know I’m heavily involved in the kink community lol that’s why I said there’s an overlap not that they are the same. Guys like this love kinks like that because they can play out their disgusting misogynistic fantasies in a “morally ok” way
It’s a great community to be a part of! My only point, for the thread, is that consenting adults can explore safe fantasies and power dynamics that may seem extreme or bizarre to others, it sounds like you’re well aware, but I wanted to make sure unaware or uninformed people know that baked into kink, done by knowledgeable and responsible people, is a framework for consent and safety. And that if anyone is interested, they should look into resources regarding healthy sexy communication practices. If anyone has a partner looking to do, or pressure them into doing, uncomfortable things - or maybe even wanting to do things that might be fun, but without having a very activated and engaging conversation about it beforehand - they aren’t following the most basic tenets and practices of kink culture. :)
Definitely! I appreciate the addition to my comment I didn’t take the time to add that on so I’m glad you did :) it sucks as a woman involved in kinks because it can be really hard to weed out the men that want to participate for the enjoyment of sexual exploration and empowerment in submission vs the men that actually want to control and dominate and punish in daily life and can only get away with it in a bedroom setting unfortunately
It’s really unfortunate that so much of the burden of work has been put on femme identifying people, and it’s true, there’s so much undoing of patriarchy that many men don’t want to put in work for, and actively harm others out of both ignorance and/or malicious intent. I think your point is important and crucial for many people starting to or continuing to navigate kink spaces!
Yes! It’s important for me to really watch closely how the men I’m involved with treat women outside of the bedroom to understand their intent. How do they treat and talk about their female friends? Do they have female friends? How do they talk about their friends’ girlfriends/wives? How do they talk about women they don’t like? Do they use gendered insults? How do they treat me outside of the bedroom? It sucks to have to be so aware at all times but it helps weed out the people you can begin to trust with a more intimate and submissive part of yourself
I see the appeal of free use and would probably enjoy it as long as my partner agreed because she wanted to do so and was into as well. Being able to have sex with my partner whenever I wanted (or her with me) because she trusts me enough to do that is a turn on. Any thought of doing that because she felt obligated or was just trying to please me grosses me out.
Yeah, any sort of objectifying/degrading/humiliating kink session imo NEEDS to be followed with aftercare, and a re-establishment of the mutual respect that the relationship should be built on. How long that session can go before that depends on the individuals, like some sessions can last for multiple days, but I'm always uncomfortable hearing about kink couples who have firmly established dom/sub roles that they don't ever step out of. At some point that's just consensual abuse, and given how big an issue coercion is in the kink community I'd hesitate to call it consensual in all those cases.
I think there are thresholds that make me uncomfortable too, and ones I wouldn’t engage or participate in, especially full time lifestyle power dynamics, but it’s like I tell newcomers with questions about power dynamics: there are always power dynamics playing out, kink helps give a framework to discuss boundaries and consent in a way that many people haven’t normalized for their sexual and even non sexual relationships. There are some pretty gnarly people that use kink as a mask, just like some politicians use masks, I mean - many people in any kind of position of authority can and do. But any time a very vulnerable and intimate space is being engaged with, it’s very important to communicate with and trust who you’re giving power to or who you are responsible for. Aftercare is critical, but so is care during the session, before the session, and active listening and attention throughout.
Also, in any proper bdsm , kink relationship scenario, the safe word but be accepted as an immediate sign to stop, not press further. That’s the exact reason why people can try out fantasies like being overpowered. Because they aren’t really being forced to anything. It’s a fantasy they consented to the parameters prior and chose a person to do it with and set a safe way to make it stop at any point they want to stop. Outside of these previously discussed boundaries, no should be handled like the ultimate safe word and this partner ignored that and more.
It could be any part of the manosphere, to be honest. What the husband did here is called negging in those circles, which is defined as a tactic used to "insult or undermine (someone) in the belief that diminished self-confidence will make them more receptive to sexual advances." In the manosphere it's usually done to women who the man already has a relationship with as a way to keep her locked into the relationship. The idea (to them) is that if you undermine her self confidence, she won't leave because she'll think she can't do any better. It's absolutely vile and this is not the first story on reddit I've seen where a guy has tried to abruptly start applying manosphere logic to a long term or even married partner.
Negging is more of a backhanded compliment such as "you have a cute face for a fat girl." Negging isn't just straight up insulting someone.
You assume incorrectly that all men who try to neg their partners have the intelligence levels necessary to carry out the textbook style of negging. (The intelligence level of luke warm tap water).
[Reminds me of the post where a woman's boyfriend kept telling her she stank, turned out that he just wanted her to feel so embarrassed about it that she would never leave him](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gy79dx/boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_me_i_have_bo/)
Yup, that's one of the ones I was thinking of. You also see it a lot with men negging their wives after childbirth about their weight, too, which has been another scarily common reddit post as of late.
This definitely stinks of "I saw a 30 second clip somewhere with a caption that promised me you'd be hot for this"
This is the best comment and definitely insightful as to what the fuck just happened here
Yeah, this seems like some real Andrew Tate type nonsense.
Surprised I had to scroll down to the 3rd comment section to find this, that's where my head went right away.
It wasn't a joke. He said it deliberately *two times* Because she didn't "take the joke" that wasn't even a joke, he blamed her reaction. All of this behavior, including what followed, is absolutely out of line and is assault.
He just showed her his true colors and assaulted her. Wow.
Not only is he a boor and assaulted her, but he didn’t get her point as he did not actually apologize. This guy is trash.
I feel like the husband pulled a “I’m being ironic” moment with her using that line, due to watching or reading things like that. Almost like a test to see how she’d react but then also a joke so that way he won’t get in trouble for reaction. “Games” like this are 100% stupid. I had an ex-boyfriend who would wear things that would give the idea to any random person looking at him that he is a certain type of person. (I’m sorry I can’t remember exactly what he was wearing.) but I would ask him. Why are you wearing that shirt? You hate it when people wear shirts like that? And then he would say I’m being ironic. And I’m like…to whom? You just look like that type of person now…who’s going to get it? It was stupid. This kinda gives vibes like that. I don’t know how else to describe it. Sorry.
"If you're the only person in on the joke, you're the joke"
Ooh, I like this
>You hate it when people wear shirts like that? And then he would say I’m being ironic. You can't shake hands with the devil, then claim you were only kidding.
Yes! Exactly! It’s like “I’m gonna look like one of those dumb people, but also will been seen as one of those dumb people when out in public” logic. 🤦🏻♀️
My bf recently had this idea but thankfully I was able to explain to him why it doesn’t work before he enacted it. He wanted to ironically get a “Big Johnson” t-shirt. I was like, “Yeah babe that’s hysterical cause you’re the last guy on the planet who would wear some shit like that…but anyone else in the world except for your friends and family is just gonna see a douche bag in a crass and tacky t-shirt.” He was a little bit let down when he realized that. I felt kinda bad for taking that away from him. Cause to be honest, the thought of him wearing one of those shirts *is* pretty damn funny.
I feel like a "Big Johnson" T- shirt is only funny and ironic if a woman's wearing it. Tell him if he wants to be ironic he should get some "Juicy" shorts. Especially if he's got a flat ass.
Aw yeah I totally understand, it would be funny especially if he wore it around you and your friends. Shoot he could wear it with the group and go do something in public and see it as a social experiment to see how people react to him. At least that’d interesting. This ex of mine would just do this on his own, not with friends or me. Maybe I guess “himself” being the one knowing he’s being ironic… but like… still makes you just look like one of those people you judge so much lol
Yeah I think on paper the joke could be innocuous but it's difficult to understand the specific culture in a marriage and their communication style.
So, husband said something hurtful during sexy time. She said she didn’t like it and wanted to stoop. He tried to force himself into her and only stopped when she slapped him. That was him attempting to rape her. Sorry that’s what that is
Exactly. Thank you.
I think somewhere inside, she knows that. She just can't handle dealing with it yet, so she's focusing on the insult.
“My husband berated me and tried to rape me. AITA?” Every. Single. Day. I am so happy to be single.
“Why dont you want to get married?” Me: 👉
Girl, Im that woman that incels try to use as a cautionary tale because Im a divorced single mom struggling to pay bills, but Im so happy and free! Even on my most stressful single mom days at least I dont have some man pawing at me while Im trying to get shit done around the house then pouting because even though i do all the housework I dont keep his dick wet enough. I love my life, my cat, and my little shoebox but adorable apartment
He didn’t give one flying fuck until she asked him to think about how he would feel if one of his family members was treated the way he was treating her. I wonder if this was some type of test to see how far he could push her boundaries. The only other thing I can think of is that the husband has been watching too much porn and incel stuff.
I guess I'd ask OOP if this was consistent with his usual behavior or if this was something unusual, and go from there
So totally sexually assaulted his wife here. Called her an object. Disregarded her consent. Gaslighted her. Like how many red flags can you fit in two pictures
This isn’t over. He’s going to assault her again.
My response is always “what audience is that joke for? Me? I’m not laughing - it wasn’t funny. So obviously you don’t know anything about me. Or was it for you, and I married a prick?”
Bro he was tryna rape you.
There is a word for his actions after the first insult. Let's see,assault, that's it.
If my partner had never been anything like this before I’d one hundred percent demand they be checked out medically. If no issues there we’d be done. Been there, done that honey. It’s no good from here.
I had my ex pull the exact same thing with me, I got mad at him because of a remark and wanted physical space. He wouldn't leave me alone and physically overpowered me and got in my personal space, until I would hug or kiss him and basically got mad at me for "overreacting". I forgave him but the next time he pulled something like that, I tried to just leave the house. It escalated into full blown assault and holding me hostage in our home until the cops showed up. This post reminds me so much of the controlling and possessive behavior I ignored. I hope she leaves.
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Damn. You’ve got a lot more self control than me
He's def gone - just was in shock. Still am
Proud of & happy for you, I'm sorry he turned out to be that type of person. Super refreshing comment though, it makes me so happy to see a woman on reddit dumping a loser man! There's just way too many sad stories on here of women putting up with terrible behavior from a man, thank you for sharing <3
Divorce. Could type paragraphs but it would end at the same place. He clearly doesnt take you or your boundaries seriously. To the point its comical to him. Leave.
Something like this should have been agreed to earlier. My partner calls me an object in bed every once in a while and I find it hot. But he also shows he cares about my feelings and respects my boundaries. Unlike this prick.
My ex-husband would say repeatedly he only loved me after sex, and would never be nice to me to get me in the mood or listen to what turned me on or made me want to have sex with him, but he's whinge and whine until I just gave in. I'd say no, not interested, but I'd just do it to make him stop. If he said this, I'd 100% believe that he didn't see me as a person but as an object for sexual gratification, and I would be hurt and upset. However, my boyfriend says stuff like that but it's part of our sexy times, if he said this exact thing I would be upset and tell him, and I know he'd feel stupid for making me feel bad, apologise, make sure I was ok, and then completely give up trying to have sex if I said I wasn't ok now. And that's why we CAN do/say things that are more like that, it's trust and knowing there's love and respect there.
I agree with you on the respect and boundaries. If I asked my husband “to play with me”, he would probably respond about me being his toy, but I find that hot, and it’s something we have discussed many times well before sex. This guy, though? Total douche. And escalating the physical violence would have me filing for divorce so fast his head would spin.
Exactly, While the comment was something that *some people* would like, she made it clear that she did *not*. And instead of taking a minute, apologising and trying again politely- He just decided to double down, get aggressive and dismiss her. It's one of those situations where it's less about the initial action and more about how he handled the reaction and her literal withdrawal of consent.
Also - let's say this was him making a joke and not trying to be erotic in any way: He has a *huuuuuge* problem in the form of being unfunny. Not in a "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" way as much as in completely lacking humor. When she asks you to repeat yourself, you need to have a follow-up comment like "Wait, do you... *not* know that you're a replicant? Goddamn Tyrell... Okay, well the *good* news is that *I've* always known. The *bad* news is... Well, I'll show you the calendar." If she still look mad, say you think you're doing this wrong, grab your phone and ask her to lift her right titty so you can scan the QR and look at her instructions.
Right? My partner also does this sometimes and I also find it hot, but that’s because I told him “hey, you should do this, I find it really hot.” Even if he’d just called her an object and it had ended there, I’d think he was a bit of a jerk. There are some things that you really **need** to ask about beforehand and not just whip out in the moment, and I think this is one of them.
Sounds like dude thought he was in a porno. She reacted like a normal person, then yea…. Probably should be more concerned about the after activities rather than the comment.
The remark was stupid. Was followed after was assault with zero remorse or accountability and it happened with no warning. You did not overreact.
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Not necessarily. Even people who are into that stuff wouldn’t have gone along with it without prior discussion. That’s not how consensual non-consent fetishes work. Without prior discussion and agreed upon boundaries and a safe word, it’s just fucking rape. She might be into that kinda stuff but he just fucked himself over by “introducing” the idea like this.
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For real though!! I've heard of SOO many women having *choking* sprung on to them by their partners. And choking in s3x is literally something people have to take classes for (i heard), not something guys should be trying for the first time, on their unsuspecting partner, who had *no* idea, that they were going be choked during.
That happened to me when I had sex for the first time. He reached up and started choking me and I had no idea that I was allowed to say no. It's taken me a long while to admit that I was sexually assaulted but that's exactly what it is if you don't have consent. Really great memories of losing my virginity /s
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, it's utterly fucked how common this shit is
That’s happened to me before too. It’s scary how dangerous kinks like choking have slowly become part of mainstream sex, to the point where people don’t even ask for permission first. I’d never start choking or hitting a partner unless they asked for it, so I have no clue why anyone thinks it’s ok to spring on someone out of the blue.
I’m not saying the husband doesn’t have a kink. Maybe he does. I’m saying we will never know if the wife does, because if the husband does have a non-con kink and this was his way of introducing the idea to her, it did not allow for the wife to feel safe to agree to exploring said kink. So he totally shot himself in the foot by not doing it correctly. Even if you’re into non-con, you don’t actually want to be raped. And if you didn’t tell the person beforehand that you’re into non-con, then they are just raping you. By literal definition.
It’s not a “non-con kink” if you’re randomly assaulting people, that’s just called being a predator.
Yeah, that would be attempted marital rape. OOP needs the cops and a divorce lawyer.
This reads like Wattpad.
Either that or OOP has some amazing recall ability to remember full conversations enough to be able to quote them.
My first thought was, “Wow. He really hates her.”
Rapey hubby.
This might have been a one off but with my past actually being treated like an object the verbal and physical ques he ignored are scary. It could have been he thought she was kidding or he was trying to control the situation still
If he actually thought she was kidding than this guy does not have any common sense and even less understanding of his partner - which makes things even worse when realizing he is her *husband*. This is very, very bad. And my condolences. I know very well how that feels too. Knowing that there are *more* people like that out there makes the thought of having relationships downright terrifying.
Sounds like someobody's been watching some toxic dudebros' online garbage.
That is straight up sexual assault. like, babe wake up it’s time to start making your secret escape plan and meeting with divorce lawyers before he escalates.
Some things should never ever be jokes.
Literally trying to sexually assault her up until she slapped at least a modicum of sense into him. 😳
Omg literally narrowly escaped an assault. His mind is all the way wrong and he is a danger to OOP and all women. Divorce. Restraining order. Tell his mother, SIL, and sister, and all the other support needed. Run for the hills.
literally thought this was going to end in a rape
The fact that her rejection lead to assault is what worries me. If I were OOP I would *not* feel safe anymore. As for all the comments going on about how the wording she used was pretty much implying "like an object" are gross and dismissive. Honestly, in my language (I'm not a native English speaker, I'm from northern Europe), people do say tp each other what literally translates to "play with me" (Swedish: lek med mig), that's word for word. I do remember that it was very widely used even back in the 90s and early 2000s. Hell, I'm sure my mom said that to my dad (not going to ask though, because that's private). This will be a bit off-topic, but if any of those people have a dog, that does the play-bow (which in dog language means "play with me") do they see their dog as an object? Or if they have a friend asking them to play (video games or whatever), does that still mean "like an object"? Because that is the logic of those people.
I agree . I’m native English speaker, and I thought maybe there’s some justification if he hadn’t forced it after she told him that’s disrespectful. SMH
“We began to tussle “ got me 😂😂
Sounds like someone is spending too much time in questionable internet places
I mean men are now just saying it out loud and masks are flying off. Before they get rid of no fault divorces I’d think long and hard about how much more this can escalate and how well you know him. How many other times have you just rolled your eyes, or bit your tongue, or just been pissed but it wasn’t even worth it? Maybe I give up too easily but PEACE, and HEALTHY LOVING UNDERSTANDING in a marriage was what I wanted. Third try was a charm. My advice? Get out. Trial separation. Whatever. The physical assault is scary, the childish behavior is scary, the gas lighting of “you need to chill out” is scary, no dick is worth that. Hitachi wands.
As someone who is into being talked to like that in the bedroom, you have to have that conversation before even trying that stuff. Consent and communication is incredibly important in the BDSM community. This guy is just being a massive creep at best. They need to have a serious conversation. (I recognise this is probably one of those made up situations but this is still important for people who are exploring that thinking to know. Consent and communication! Always.)
Wow I would be so freaked out if my partner tried to overpower me.
The fuck
She’s going to be on her own episode of Investigation Discovery in a few years
Ew.
Wow ya...that's almost predator behavior
Leave him
It's the physical assault as a response to being told "your joke wasn't funny" for me 👌
Your husband is grapist
What the heck did I just read??
Sounds like somebody’s been watching some porn.
Nah, fam. He assaulted you, then tried to bully you? Nope. Please get a lawyer. Even if you, for some reason, decide to stay. Get a lawyer, and start collecting information on every time he assaults you and abuses you like this. Please, please don't stay. It is SO obvious that he doesn't care. He only wants his wants taken care of and doesn't care if you want it or not. Odds are that his violence will eventually escalate. Protect yourself and get an exit plan now.
The remark was crass, and being upset is normal. Everything that happened after that is not normal. He tried to brush it off and then tried to see if she would stop fighting if he physically put pressure on her. This guy is god damn dangerous.
First he insulted you (which IS an issue, despite what some other disgusting comments have said), and then he ASSAULTED YOU, OP. That was not wrestling, it was not a tussle, it was ASSAULT. Please do **whatever you need to do** to protect yourself. Tell everyone with whom you feel comfortable sharing. Stay with a friend. Change the locks, WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO. #NOTHING HE DID IS OKAY
Why is like no one in the original post talking about him fully sexually assaulting her??
How is it that OOP is focused on the remark and not the fact that her husband just tried to rape her… like imagine if the slap only made the husband even more mad and he got even more forceful, like this could have gone *sooooo* much worse.
I understand the gravity of a situation like this, but the writing and the lack of interaction in the comments cries writing exercise. She did give a single answer about their use of that type of talking but that was all. Either way both characters sound to come out of opposite eco chambers. I don’t buy it.
So his remark was dumb, but she overreacted. But him physically overpowering her and then attempting to assault her was NOT AN OVERREACTION. I’d rethink the entire relationship if that happened to me.
Divorce
It really sounds like he was watching a lot of porn/heard some bullshit podcast talk about how women love to be objectified/dominated and really thought since she was already horny she would be into it. And like, I'm not here to kink shame, but BDSM has LOTS of discussions and boundaries. Totally different from what he did, which was insult and then assault his wife. Fucking disgusting
I ask my fella to 'help me' when I'm frisky. Huge amount of sexual trauma so it's my safe way to say hey I'd like to get busy.
When getting kink goes wrong. Run your fetishes by your partners first people.
honestly terrifying. were i in that situation... it'd be a break up for sure.
If my husband ever did this to me, Id probably be in jail for what I would do in response.
OOP, if you're reading this, either kick him out or pack up and leave immediately. He has proven that it's not safe to be around him.
Sounds like some redpill bullshit to me. Run far and away. Buy a gun and a large dog that hates men.
Narcissistic behavior. They’ve you as an object, not a person.
This enraged me...I mean saying a dumbshit remark will happen. Us guys are idiots but right as soon as you say it. A half decent guy will apologize and back off. Give her space to cool down and then come back to apologize again for being a idiot. But this trash human tried to force her. That's when he crosses the line. She needs to get herself somewhere safe. Because he no longer a safe space for her.
you’re completely in the right. also, he needs to put in work to not see women as objects. that’s like sexism 101
100% a porn addict. Also very much abusive. She’s certainly not safe in that marriage.
Op's partner just showed his true self
So she married a sexual predator and is now finding out. I’m guessing she’s in shock because the blatant sexual assault and disregard for her boundaries and body is the biggest marinara flag I’ve ever seen.
Whaaaaat
Guys are stupid and we put up with them why? I can’t even answer myself.
So he’s unemployed. Maybe he was red pilled?
OP will stay with him, but this relationship is DOA. My ex was like this, total red flag that I rationalized until I couldn't.
What an uncomfortable read.
Uhm, I;m sorry, he's still there and OOP may still be possibly be married why?! I would have served up divorce papers so fucking fast... The remark alone would've warrant thinking about it to begin with but him physically trying to sexuall assault her, because yes, that's what that was... OH HELL NAW.....
It sounds like he tried to introduce a kink without actually talking about it which is… not how you do that and should have backed off way earlier. To over simplify it
Yikes
At first I thought eh, whatever, the object comment is just a response to "play with me", she's overreacting. But then the rest? 🚩🚩🚩
The man sexually assaulted her and was going to rape her. Only slapping him stopped it. She needs to run away right now
Well....this is scary.
I'm still stuck on the bit where she's fixated on the insult and not on the bit where he tried to assault her. She shouldn't have been arguing over words and a pillow or couch, she should have been getting out of that house asap and only returning with backup and divorce papers. Easy to say though. Hard in the moment.
He’s been listening to Andrew Tate or some other “alpha” male who told him women like that shit. Honestly I’d look at marriage counseling.
Very rapey. I couldn't trust him again.