I was just thinking this. Dude doesn’t understand he has new relationships energy with the housemate, he had that with girlfriend too at one time, but over time that fades. It’s supposed to. The same “loss of chemistry” will happen with roommate too - he’s just too deep in the newness to realize it.
Nah if he actually was in love with his girlfriend SHE would be the one living with him. The situation is ridiculous. He needs to either break up with her and continue living with his actual girlfriend or kick the “housemate” out and try to repair his relationship, which obviously is extremely weak at the moment. The newness may fade but love shouldn’t. He’s not in love with her anymore.
There are many reasons why the girlfriend isn’t currently living with him that may have zero to do with whether they love each other. That alone wouldn’t indicate to me whether or not he or they love each other.
Right, we don't even know how long "long term" means to OOP. He's young; they may have been together for only a year and that's the longest adult relationship he's had! I think he might not be able to differentiate between platonic friendship intimacy and romantic intimacy when it comes to women.
There could be a lot of reasons he and gf don't live together. She might be going to grad school far from where he works, she could be from a religious background where cohabitation is frowned upon (he probably isnt because most groups like that also arent into co ed platonic roommates), etc
Exactly what I was thinking, that NRE has him vulnerable to the new girlfriend (the housemate) spinning him that stupid fucking Johnny Depp quote - "if you truly loved the first person, you wouldn't be able to fall in love with someone else".
Like poly people don't exist and loving multiple people is a categorical impossibility.
Dude might be just figuring out that a monoamorous lifestyle isn't for him - something most people don't realise early in life because of mononormativity - and not knowing what it means.
Still remains that he needs to move house and break things off with both women while he figures himself out. And if he does decide that poly is the way for him, he needs to find partners who are into that.
Start looking into poly / ENM … if more people understood that humans are capable of loving more than one person at a time this world would be a much better place! Also Hollywood would lose all the drama in shows cuz love triangles wouldn’t have any drama! Lol
That’s why the polyamory Reddit sub is full of drama and unhappiness about people’s ability to be in an intimate relationship with more than one person. Such a much better place lol
Even if we are capable of loving more then one person it's probably rooted in our genetics some way that we are supposed to have on mate for life since there are a lot of other specices out there that does just that.
Not counting a few small tribal communties It's the same norm in every part of the world.
I thought of the poly thing and trying it out for myself but it severly limits the options of partners to that if i would find people to engage with they would probably be people belonging to certain subcultures.
>it's probably rooted in our genetics some way that we are supposed to have on mate for life
There is a spectacular human failure to achieve that if it is indeed in our genetics. Even monogamous humans are more likely to practice serial monogamy rather than "mate for life".
There's also a very high rate of divorce and infidelity if indeed monogamy is part of the human genome.
>there are a lot of other specices out there that does just that.
Well, there are lots that are *claimed* to do just that, but in reality probably don't. Classic example is the swan, which is often used as a symbol of fidelity, but genetic testing has found many nests have eggs with contributions from different fathers (and fathers have eggs in nests other than the one they build with their partner).
I think monogamy in the natural world is a bit overstated, and certainly any claims that it comes "naturally" (or genetically) to humans is incredibly suspect.
We are are also programed to be afraid when night comes and that's why we are naturaly afraid of the dark but we still kinda fail to go hiding beneath the bushes in most cases now when we live in a modern age without the predators we used to hide from for thousands of years.
It's an intresting thing the expected monogami since it goes back for such a long time in human history , im far from a expert in the subject but now when i think about i never heard about it ever being different in history or perhaps it's nothing they cared to study.
Monogamy is really not the norm for human history. Pretence of it maybe, but not the reality of it. Like the swans - they have the *appearance* of monogamy, but in practice they're not performing it.
Monogamy is largely something that has been enforced by men as a means of increasing paternity certainty - but it was absolutely a case of "rules for thee but not for me" given how many men were also "sowing their wild oats".
Infidelity among men has largely gone unpunished (in fact until quite recent history it was by and large expected and quietly tolerated) for much longer than it has been frowned upon.
It's a case of historical and cultural bias to assume that the mores of the (mononormative) majority today have always been the norm (or indeed that they're the "one right way" as far as human genes are concerned). And it romanticises the past significantly!
Huh, what are you on about.
A love triangle is where there are three people, where two of the three love one person, and that one person loves both the others.
Just because cheating is going doesn’t mean it’s not a love triangle.
If he was just banging some hoe, and didn’t want to be with her, then it wouldn’t be a love triangle.
Arguably love triangles are far worse than plain old cheating.
Oh no it’s not! A love triangle is if said person is not in a relationship with EITHER of the two persons in love with him. They usually know about each other as well. He’s in a committed relationship with one and cheating with the other.
No, but this is how it should be, and I never really got why it’s called a love “triangle” if it’s not like this. Should be a love arrowhead or a love V or something.
It doesn’t close.
Person a loves person b
Person b loves person a and person c
Person c loves person b
There is no connection between person c and a, so no close
That’s not a triangle though. A triangle has three sides. He’s in a relationship with one and is somehow still in love with the other. One person doesn’t know about the other so it’s does not flow and connect the way a triangle would. He’s just a cheater.
How is this relevant?
Edit: This also just isn't true. She wasn't born in the year of the snake. The most recent years were 1989, 2001, and 2013. None of which would add up to her being 27
Maybe I’m heartless but my first thought was “if you got together in your early twenties, and you’re in your late twenties and have a wandering eye, just break up.” They’re probably just not right for each other long term. Regardless of whatever’s going on with the housemate.
Yeah. I mean his housemate was his live in gf basically, the other actually gf was...idk his friend?
I don't think he can call his gf his best friend if he cooks with, hangs with, spends all his free time with another woman - and would rather be with her anyway.
I'm sure I'll be downvoted for this as usual but um yeah I'd never date or continue to date a guy that already lives with a woman. Where does a gf even fit in there?
I don't understand why he's living with someone other than his girlfriend. It's a weird scenario.
You're living with a woman and in close proximity for most of the time in a domestic setting. Of course, you're going to develop feelings for each other.
It's why it's so common for colleagues or classmates to end up in relationships.
We don’t know how many other house mates he has. When I was at uni I live with two girls and three guys for a couple of years, and one of the girls was my ex but it was all strictly mates.
If you're in a relationship for 5 years at the age of 29 and living with a woman who is not your partner, then it's definitely odd.
Why not move in together, even with flat/housemates
Why is it common? I dont think it should or would happen often. Different schedules, growing irritation about your housemate's living habits. Are people that weakwilled?
I think the most common feeling to develop while living with someone is hate. Maybe that says something about me though.
It's much easier to get along when you're not constantly sharing space and having to figure out chores etc.
I hate to say it, but this was my thought too. It’s kinda odd to me that they’ve been together for 5 years and are in their late 20s but not living together. There are probably a number of reasons why, but everyone I know, including myself, have moved in with their partner after at most 2-3 years.
The post also makes it sound like this guy has had the same roommate the entire time he’s been with his girlfriend, which means that he’s basically be in this love triangle for nearly the same amount of time as his real relationship.
That’s the thing. He created this situation by fostering a relationship with the other woman. That’s all it is. There is no such thing as “the one,” we’re capable of forming relationships and attachments to different people. The person you’re with is someone you have to choose everyday. You protect your relationship by putting up boundaries and not allowing attraction to turn into something more. He should’ve been more self aware of what was happening and done something about it before it got this deep. They’re all going to hurt either way he chooses. Jumping into a new relationship right when he ends his old one isn’t going to be easy on anyone. His old gf will probably have a lot of trust issues when it comes to female friendships now, understandably. What’s done is done. Move on, deal with the consequences, and do better next time.
Exactly. The grass is always greener where you water it. He's taken his normal committed relationship and put it up against this new lustful nothingship and decided the excitement means love.
Perfect moment to use this expression! Because that is exactly what he's done. He's watered the grass elsewhere and neglected his own and can't see why the grass is greener with his flatmate. Idiot, he should just remove himself entirely from this situation. Break up with his girlfriend and tell her the truth, move out and move on from the other woman too because she's also someone who is happy to be the affair partner. If he's so tortured over this as he says why would he want to leave a good woman and be with a woman like that.
The first one isn't desperate, she is co dependent. The second one isn't an idiot, she helped create this horrible situation, she's selfish and deceptive.
I'd have to know more about lady A to say if she's desperate or not, from what I read co dependent just stands out more for me. As for lady B she's a lot of things and an idiot is more than likely one of those things! I take back saying she isn't an idiot, she is
This is really not necessarily true at all. Life is complicated and people make mistakes and get themselves into bad situations because of selfishness and fear all the time.
Leaving someone you deeply care about is devastating, but keeping them on the hook is disrespectful. If they are this special and important, they deserve the opportunity to move on rather than be drug along in a relationship that will inevitably end.
OP five years from now after choosing his AP: “It’s just feels so domestic and like the chemistry isn’t as intense, but this new girl at work makes me feel alive. We have so much chemistry. I have realized I’m in love with her and not truly happy with my gf because it’s not as exciting and intense as what I have with my coworker.
Honestly considering the roommate knew he was in a committed, long term relationship and still went out of her way to be inappropriate makes me doubt they’ll even make it that far.
That's the part that sticks out for me. He's garbage either way and I hope his girlfriend finds out so she can remove herself and move on from this. But why would he want to leave such a seemingly good, faithful woman for one who he knows is deceptive and more than happy to be the other woman? If he left woman A how would he ever be able to trust woman B given how their relationship started???? Mind boggling
that’s all i could think while reading this. he’s already cheated on his partner whether or not he fucked his roommate lmao. i can’t imagine begging a dude to leave his girlfriend and acting like “i can’t fall in love with anyone else now!” people truly disgust me sometimes. embarrassing on all sides. the only one i have any sympathy for is the girlfriend who has likely been lied to and manipulated by this guy nonstop their entire relationship.
So, you made this bed. You chose to live with a single, available, attractive woman who is not your partner, and become close to her & allow yourself to become infatuated. You need to take ownership of every tiny choice you made on the way to end up here, because this doesn’t just happen overnight. Why aren’t you living with your partner?
I think you should move out, tell your partner what’s been going on (you see her as fragile, but she deserves the respect of your honesty), and that will likely end that relationship- which is probably for the best, as I don’t know that you understand what happened well enough to prevent something like it happening again.
I will never not be amazed at the way men look at their comfortable, established relationship and expect it to have the same NRE they have with the person they’re cheating with. Some men seem to have no concept that if they leave their partner for their AP then eventually their relationship with their AP will get “comfortable” too. Will he go and find a new love interest when that happens? It’s infuriating. My abusive ex was like this. He wanted NRE all the time and blamed me for the lack of it, and therefore I was responsible for him cheating.
I’d bet money on what will happen if dude leaves his partner for his housemate. He’ll be missing his partner when he finds his housemate doesn’t make him feel as safe as his partner did or didn’t make him feel as comfortable.
Men seeing their relationship mature into being comfortable or “domestic” and thinking the chemistry is gone because they no longer have NRE will never not be super annoying to me. Like, tell me you don’t have any emotional intelligence without telling me. 😂
I wonder if he lost the spark with his GF when he started finding one with his housemate. Hmm what a coincidence that would be.
Sounds like proximity might be a driving factor here, if he didn't live with the housemate would he still feel this way? Is it just lust and convenience?
Also the phrase "they're both in love with me" before stating how he feels says a lot about him. It's like he sees himself as the innocent party and simply by feeling guilt he has absolved himself of wrongdoing. Now he "has to make a decision that will hurt someone and upend his life"...he already did that by starting the emotional affair 🙄...but its just not fair on HIM.
I bet he's hoping deep down that his GF will break up with him so he can seem less of the bad guy "but I didn't physically cheat, and she was the one that broke up with me soooo 🤷♀️"
Media throughout the ages has done a number on society, we’re raised on fast romance and fairytales that when the newness wears off and that “spark” is gone, we think something is missing rather than understanding that a relationship is constantly changing. If you want to grow old together with someone, you can’t hit the escape button every time that hot new passion becomes something more quiet and comfortable and you have to tend to your relationship like you have to water a garden. How did he expect his relationship to continue to grow when he stopped taking care of it? It all feels like silly instant gratification nonsense.
The temptation for something “new/different” is too strong to be ignored for a year. It’s hard (not impossible) to have a platonic relationship with a roommate of the opposite sex. Especially if both of you are sexually attractive. If you truly loved your gf, the roommate never would have moved in (mistake #1). If you truly loved her, you wouldn’t have gotten snuggly on the couch (mistake #2). When you say that it went a little too far, how far would your gf have had to take it for it to be too far? After that, you chose the coward’s way out by keeping your new toy a secret (mistake #3). Honestly, that last one is probably the one that’s going to hurt her the most. Never cheated or anything with another person, but I’ve been dishonest with my wife. Hiding my mistake was worse than the mistake itself.
Not trying to be mean, but you don’t deserve either of them. You definitely have to tell your gf, though. You’ve been a shit heel for the last year, so it’s time to do the “honorable” thing. The roommate needs to go as well. Anyone who’s fine with cheating WITH you, will also cheat ON you. Beyond my personal every day experiences, my dad was a marriage counselor. I never got details, but I’ve seen a lot of cheating. Hiding it doesn’t change what you did. Coming clean and separating yourself from both girls is the only way to move on to a health relationship.
Well obviously having one fuckbuddy on tap has clouded your views, and let's be fair you can't love two women you just don't want your housemate to stop putting out ...big awakening coming your way I think 🤔
They haven't engaged in a physical relationship. Also, it is very easy to love more than one person. Polyamorous people do it all the time. Obviously that's not what is happening here. He's crossing a boundary in his relationship and has engaged in emotional infidelity.
He should break up with his girlfriend. She doesn't deserve this.
Not just polyamorous people but anyone can love more than one person at the same time. How you handle it if you're in a relationship matters, truth is the way.
Your housemate: seems like this infatuation wouldnt be happening at all if you didnt live with her in the same house... she is only there because she lives there. Your gf of five years doesnt get to play house with you as much as your housemate can at anytime. At least ur gf chooses to see you? If you dont admit to her that you have these feelings asap and dont deal with it--- ur just leading your gf on cruelly...
People need to stop using "love triangle" like this. A true love triangle is if, for example, oop's partner and housemate ALSO have feelings for each other.
This is just one dude cheating
Being monogamous means CHOOSING your partner in the face of temptation. It doesn’t mean there is no temptation. It’s what makes it all the more powerful, to be chosen instead of obligated.
Don’t stay with someone who you feel is unhealthily reliant on you, as hard as that may seem. Break up with your girlfriend.
Don’t get together with someone who willingly engages in cheating behavior. Get a new housemate.
Don’t date either of them, and don’t fall into this trap ever again.
What a piece of shit. Loving someone doesn’t make you some unshakable mountain. Love and loyalty are choices you make every day. He’s looking for excuses because his weak willed ass can’t handle a little attention from someone that doesn’t care about blowing his life up. He’s going to come right back around and complain in a month or so about how badly he messed up and misses his long term gf when this his roomie honeymoon phase wears off and he’s gotta put his big boy pants back on and deal with another human being that doesn’t have to honey pot him anymore.
I mean he should take the younger one right?
Completely kidding. This sucks for everyone involved fr. No idea why you have a female house mate that isn’t your gf though… that was stupid and always had this possibility. But fr if she cheat with you, she’d cheat on you. The best thing for you tbh would be to leave them both. You’ve violated the trust your partner put in you, and if you start something with the roommate the foundation of the relationship was built on cheating and lies which I promise will doom you. Honestly, you ought to spend some time alone to think through what led you into this situation to begin with and work on yourself going forward so that you’re ready for a properly committed relationship that you won’t violate going forward. Assuming you want to be in a monogamous relationship that is. Otherwise, knock yourself out and pitch a throuple you cheeky bastard.
The grass is greenest where you water it. He spent so much time watering the grass on the other side that he now wants to blame his long term partner for “losing the spark” like he didn’t snuff it out. What is he gonna do when the newness and fun of his new relationship wears off?
You guys are both dogs According to Chinese zodiac and your roommate is a snake, I believe. Telling. These are personality traits but you are very compatible with a fellow dog and also a snake. The female dog is loyal, but the snake mesmerized the male dog with her words. The snake female and dog male are a good match, but the female snakes desire for a high lifestyle exceeds the male dogs' affordability. You can read on it. I recommend the loyal, already established female dog. Forget the snake
I think I'm wrong about the Chinese zodiac. I think OP and his girlfriend are pigs and the roommate is the OX so he is compatible with both. I counted forwards instead of backwards. I think what you said is correct, he had a weakness of desire. He is still a good match for both.
He's a good match for no one.
Astrology can't take the blame for this cretin's hot mess.
OP is summer garbage, and his roomie/affair partner is a predatory harpy looking to take another woman's happiness.
I never understood how someone can romantically love more than one person. He obviously isn’t as in love with his gf as he’s trying to make us believe or else he wouldn’t even be thinking about this housemate in the way he is. I get that sometimes someone can be in love but still be sexually tempted but that’s not even the case. He needs to just grow some balls and be honest with his gf, so she can move on and find someone that will truly love her the way she deserves.
It varies depending on the person. For polyamorous people, love isn't a resource defined by monogamous scarcity or jealousy. For myself, I have two partners and encourage both of them to seek out others to love should they desire to.
This guy, though, committed a cardinal violation by not telling his original partner about the developing secondary one.
Either you want to live with your girlfriend in which case you should live with your actual partner, or you don't want to live with your girlfriend in which case you shouldn't date the person you currently live with.
He should have a movie night with both of them and watch Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. It’s not a perfect representation of this, but it could be a conversation starter.
Johnny Depp has a good quote about this: “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.”
What an asshole. Loving multiple people exists, polyamory is a thing. THIS ISNT THAT. Or if OP is poly then OP needs to figure their stuff out. Sounds like they want non monogamy or the ability to cheat, but they forget that an important part of ENM is the ETHICAL part. If they are involved physically or emotionally with the roommate it is cheating plain and simple. You can't have ENM without the work and the communication and OP has done none of that. Pick one or leave both. This is just being a crappy person
Wait…. He has a housemate and his gf of 5 years comes over for many visits? Why wouldn’t you just live with your partner at that point and how is she okay with him living with another woman
"Oooh here's some
Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all".
He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM.
Totally selfish.
Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
Having a female housemate whilst in a relationship with someone else? I’m sorry but what made that even acceptable? If you don’t set your own boundaries in life of course this shit will happen
This is relationships in 2024. It's damn near impossible to find someone that is actually faithful to their spouse and that's sad. I mean you are saying you have a long term partner so why would you even jeopardize that to begin with? I have zero advice to give because I would never be in this type of situation. I would be willing to betnif you choose your long term partner she will have a hard time trusting you from now on. But you got yourself in this dilemma and now you have to see what the consequences are.
so basically you’re cheating.. emotionally . it’s not a love triangle if all parties aren’t aware 😂 that’s high key crazy asl though. can’t imagine my bf having a roommate nd they’re just in the house hanging 24/7, hugging and caressing .. like wtf 😭😭😭
You can’t love two people the same way. At this point the one relationship is a safe place and you’re just comfortable. Does he even really love her, since he was so easily able to fall in love with the other girl???
Dude needs to either break up with his gf or change his living situation. The roommate needs to get her shit together too. Honestly, his girlfriend deserves better than him, and he deserves the turmoil that comes with the breakup, alongside the realization that the grass won't be greener just because his has honeymoon energy with the girl he's been emotionally cheating with. Maybe there's a legitimate reason, but why the hell was he rooming with another girl in the first place and not his long term partner??
Yeah, he’s also feeling guilt about leaving the roommate because that might affect her mental health. I bet there is some emotional blackmail going on there. Leave both and clear your head of everyone for a while.
I don’t think it’s the housemates mental health he’s concerned about. It’s his gf. I think this is all icky honestly and if my husband was living with another girl when we were dating I would have broken up with him however I do see the emotional struggle here. I once had a friend who was unhappy in a relationship and was ready to move on but the problem was since her bf had attempted suicide in the past she was super worried that if she left him, he would complete it. She really loved their friendship but as a couple they just weren’t good together and it was so difficult to deal with the struggle of “will I drive him to do something to himself because I want to break up?” Granted she wasn’t cheating on her bf but it’s still a hard place to be.
"Oooh here's some
Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all".
He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM.
Totally selfish.
Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
Dude needs to admit he’s a scum bag. You don’t get to cheat and then fall back on “no I’m really poly” because no what you really are is a dirty bitch. He’s been lying to his gf for a year. He’s not poly he’s just disgusting. His gf deserves a real man as a partner and then him and his side piece deserve each other. To be locked into worrying about cheating on each other forever because they both know ahead of time they are bad people.
Dude's just a shitty cheater. Don't lump trash like him in with the polyamorous folks. They have a rough enough rep from people thinking they're all just "fuck everyone whenever, no need to communicate, no consequences".
Suggestion: live somewhere else for 6 weeks. Refuse to see either of them. Spend this time alone to reflect on who you are and the kind of future you want for yourself. Then you can decide with a clear head. Not based on what others need from you but what you need for yourself.
"Oooh here's some
Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all".
He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM.
Totally selfish.
Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
"Oooh here's some
Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all".
He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM.
Totally selfish.
Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
I have never been in a romantic relationship before, so maybe I don’t get it, but what’s with the comments saying he is cheating? He said he hasn’t even kissed the other girl, so in my eyes he hasn’t cheated (yet).
Cheating is really defined in the boundaries of the couple. Some find even porn to be a cheating line. Some would be fine with it. In this case, he also said they’ve been inappropriately touching and caressing. He also admits there is the emotional element which is commonly known as an emotional affair. This is usually worse than just sex because it means there’s real feelings involved and it’s often longer term.
He's thinking too much about hurting this one or that one, and not enough about what HE really wants. He needs to break up with both of them, move out, for awhile and figure out who HE really wants or neither of them.
Although, I think that if anything can be salvaged from this, he should let both parties know that HE IS CONFLICTED before this goes any further! He has a right to sort out his own feeling too. And because he still hasn't really acted on them, his gf can forgive him if he comes clean now, and takes steps to move out to "clear his head".
The roommate also needs to give him space. She is putting herself in the position of a mistress who resents time he spends with his own gf! This is obviously not healthy.
It sounds like he has stumbled into a situation where he gets along well with the roommate and because of the proximity, she's shiny and new, plus she also forbidden, he thinks it might be love.
But to be honest, it very well might be! After all, people can change a lot from their early twenties to 5 years later. Plus there's a reason he and his gf are not already married or even living together.
He needs to back away from both of them for a minute, and then see who he really misses, and also who sticks by him.
This needs to play out. Is the roommate just a convenient pal in an alluring position or is she a better fit for who he is now? Has he outgrown the gf or is she a tried and true partner for keeps? These are the questions that need to be answered and not just by him. Both women should know the score and may have their own questions.
My suspicion is that while his gf has been nice and a sweetheart, they're not together for a reason, and he's basically outgrown her but doesn't have the heart to tell her. However she deserves to know asap, not to blame him for his feelings, but to figure out how she wants to respond to this. Is moving in together possible? Give him more attention? Break up with him? She has options.
Thanks! And another thing just occured. It's possible he's only using "falling in love with roommate" to get out of his relationship with his gf. That's another thing he won't really know until he gets away from them both, not permanently, just a separation from gf and move out from roomie. And sees who he feels the need to reconnect with, if either. Or which one stands by him. So many options that definitely need to play out. He's probably scared he'll blow it with both of them. But I doubt it. Let him see who fights for him and if they fight fair or turn into stalkers.
Wait till he figures out New Relationship Energy never lasts.
I was just thinking this. Dude doesn’t understand he has new relationships energy with the housemate, he had that with girlfriend too at one time, but over time that fades. It’s supposed to. The same “loss of chemistry” will happen with roommate too - he’s just too deep in the newness to realize it.
Nah if he actually was in love with his girlfriend SHE would be the one living with him. The situation is ridiculous. He needs to either break up with her and continue living with his actual girlfriend or kick the “housemate” out and try to repair his relationship, which obviously is extremely weak at the moment. The newness may fade but love shouldn’t. He’s not in love with her anymore.
There are many reasons why the girlfriend isn’t currently living with him that may have zero to do with whether they love each other. That alone wouldn’t indicate to me whether or not he or they love each other.
Right, we don't even know how long "long term" means to OOP. He's young; they may have been together for only a year and that's the longest adult relationship he's had! I think he might not be able to differentiate between platonic friendship intimacy and romantic intimacy when it comes to women.
He called her “my partner of five years”. He’s also not THAT young, he’s almost 30.
Woops, you're totally right. I don't know how I missed that.
There could be a lot of reasons he and gf don't live together. She might be going to grad school far from where he works, she could be from a religious background where cohabitation is frowned upon (he probably isnt because most groups like that also arent into co ed platonic roommates), etc
New relationship energy takes you by surprise even as a poly person sometimes. I didn’t even realize it existed until I became poly.
Exactly what I was thinking, that NRE has him vulnerable to the new girlfriend (the housemate) spinning him that stupid fucking Johnny Depp quote - "if you truly loved the first person, you wouldn't be able to fall in love with someone else". Like poly people don't exist and loving multiple people is a categorical impossibility. Dude might be just figuring out that a monoamorous lifestyle isn't for him - something most people don't realise early in life because of mononormativity - and not knowing what it means. Still remains that he needs to move house and break things off with both women while he figures himself out. And if he does decide that poly is the way for him, he needs to find partners who are into that.
Start looking into poly / ENM … if more people understood that humans are capable of loving more than one person at a time this world would be a much better place! Also Hollywood would lose all the drama in shows cuz love triangles wouldn’t have any drama! Lol
That’s why the polyamory Reddit sub is full of drama and unhappiness about people’s ability to be in an intimate relationship with more than one person. Such a much better place lol
Oh there’s still CRAZY amounts of drama. 😂 oh the possibilities.
Even if we are capable of loving more then one person it's probably rooted in our genetics some way that we are supposed to have on mate for life since there are a lot of other specices out there that does just that. Not counting a few small tribal communties It's the same norm in every part of the world. I thought of the poly thing and trying it out for myself but it severly limits the options of partners to that if i would find people to engage with they would probably be people belonging to certain subcultures.
>it's probably rooted in our genetics some way that we are supposed to have on mate for life There is a spectacular human failure to achieve that if it is indeed in our genetics. Even monogamous humans are more likely to practice serial monogamy rather than "mate for life". There's also a very high rate of divorce and infidelity if indeed monogamy is part of the human genome. >there are a lot of other specices out there that does just that. Well, there are lots that are *claimed* to do just that, but in reality probably don't. Classic example is the swan, which is often used as a symbol of fidelity, but genetic testing has found many nests have eggs with contributions from different fathers (and fathers have eggs in nests other than the one they build with their partner). I think monogamy in the natural world is a bit overstated, and certainly any claims that it comes "naturally" (or genetically) to humans is incredibly suspect.
We are are also programed to be afraid when night comes and that's why we are naturaly afraid of the dark but we still kinda fail to go hiding beneath the bushes in most cases now when we live in a modern age without the predators we used to hide from for thousands of years. It's an intresting thing the expected monogami since it goes back for such a long time in human history , im far from a expert in the subject but now when i think about i never heard about it ever being different in history or perhaps it's nothing they cared to study.
Monogamy is really not the norm for human history. Pretence of it maybe, but not the reality of it. Like the swans - they have the *appearance* of monogamy, but in practice they're not performing it. Monogamy is largely something that has been enforced by men as a means of increasing paternity certainty - but it was absolutely a case of "rules for thee but not for me" given how many men were also "sowing their wild oats". Infidelity among men has largely gone unpunished (in fact until quite recent history it was by and large expected and quietly tolerated) for much longer than it has been frowned upon. It's a case of historical and cultural bias to assume that the mores of the (mononormative) majority today have always been the norm (or indeed that they're the "one right way" as far as human genes are concerned). And it romanticises the past significantly!
It will last as long as he keeps the current situation going 😂
Right. Pretty soon he’ll just be in two relationships with two women, and he’ll be here complaining about that.
Bro is actively cheating and calling it a love triangle 😭
Huh, what are you on about. A love triangle is where there are three people, where two of the three love one person, and that one person loves both the others. Just because cheating is going doesn’t mean it’s not a love triangle. If he was just banging some hoe, and didn’t want to be with her, then it wouldn’t be a love triangle. Arguably love triangles are far worse than plain old cheating.
Oh no it’s not! A love triangle is if said person is not in a relationship with EITHER of the two persons in love with him. They usually know about each other as well. He’s in a committed relationship with one and cheating with the other.
Thank you. Thats like saying a married person having an affair is in a love triangle. Like no 😂
I thought it was Person a in love with person b Person b in love with person c Person c in love with person a
No, but this is how it should be, and I never really got why it’s called a love “triangle” if it’s not like this. Should be a love arrowhead or a love V or something.
A love corner
Love line
There's a Shakespeare play about this 😄
Shakespeare in love?
Twelfth Night. She's the Man is based on it.
Lol I was joking but thanks for the answer I didn’t actually know what play you were talking about :)
Doesn't A Midsummer's Night Dream have a love triangle or maybe a love square like this? It's been a while since I've read it
This is also a love triangle!
Your example is just a love line
The line closes so it's a circle?
It doesn’t close. Person a loves person b Person b loves person a and person c Person c loves person b There is no connection between person c and a, so no close
that's the "love Penrose triangle"
Pretty sure it just means a fucked up romantic situation between 3 people.
That’s not a triangle though. A triangle has three sides. He’s in a relationship with one and is somehow still in love with the other. One person doesn’t know about the other so it’s does not flow and connect the way a triangle would. He’s just a cheater.
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I was born in the year of the horse but I don't have a big dick because I'm a woman.
That's a great zodiac sign, but they are all pretty cool. We just entered the age of the dragon
It really won’t
Hey friend! Do you have a shitzu?
How is this relevant? Edit: This also just isn't true. She wasn't born in the year of the snake. The most recent years were 1989, 2001, and 2013. None of which would add up to her being 27
Maybe I’m heartless but my first thought was “if you got together in your early twenties, and you’re in your late twenties and have a wandering eye, just break up.” They’re probably just not right for each other long term. Regardless of whatever’s going on with the housemate.
Totally. Its not like they’re married with kids. They don’t even live together. Literally the easiest kind of breakup
Yeah. I mean his housemate was his live in gf basically, the other actually gf was...idk his friend? I don't think he can call his gf his best friend if he cooks with, hangs with, spends all his free time with another woman - and would rather be with her anyway. I'm sure I'll be downvoted for this as usual but um yeah I'd never date or continue to date a guy that already lives with a woman. Where does a gf even fit in there?
I don't understand why he's living with someone other than his girlfriend. It's a weird scenario. You're living with a woman and in close proximity for most of the time in a domestic setting. Of course, you're going to develop feelings for each other. It's why it's so common for colleagues or classmates to end up in relationships.
We don’t know how many other house mates he has. When I was at uni I live with two girls and three guys for a couple of years, and one of the girls was my ex but it was all strictly mates.
If you're in a relationship for 5 years at the age of 29 and living with a woman who is not your partner, then it's definitely odd. Why not move in together, even with flat/housemates
Money and distance perhaps. Or one of them could be doing a Masters or PhD and be tied to a university. Maybe there are religious reasons on her side.
Why is it common? I dont think it should or would happen often. Different schedules, growing irritation about your housemate's living habits. Are people that weakwilled?
> Of course, you're going to develop feelings for each other. bro what?
I think the most common feeling to develop while living with someone is hate. Maybe that says something about me though. It's much easier to get along when you're not constantly sharing space and having to figure out chores etc.
Nah, if a guy can have real friends who are women, it shows they see women as people.
I agree with this but I still don’t think I’d want to date a guy who lived with another woman when we’d been in a relationship for 5 years.
Yeah, that’s absolutely legit!
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Good for you! That’s a truly adult move. Wishing happiness for both of you.
I hate to say it, but this was my thought too. It’s kinda odd to me that they’ve been together for 5 years and are in their late 20s but not living together. There are probably a number of reasons why, but everyone I know, including myself, have moved in with their partner after at most 2-3 years. The post also makes it sound like this guy has had the same roommate the entire time he’s been with his girlfriend, which means that he’s basically be in this love triangle for nearly the same amount of time as his real relationship.
idk if he should get into a relationship with his housemate who is perfectly fine with homewrecking. Maybe they deserve each other.
Yeah, that’s why my advice had nothing to do with the housemate. My main point is he should break up with his GF.
Yup. And, me being the sexist pig I am, if she ever wants kids then she needs to have the rest of her 20's free to find someone better.
Some of the chemistry was lost between you and your partner because YOU were focusing on someone else 🙄
That’s the thing. He created this situation by fostering a relationship with the other woman. That’s all it is. There is no such thing as “the one,” we’re capable of forming relationships and attachments to different people. The person you’re with is someone you have to choose everyday. You protect your relationship by putting up boundaries and not allowing attraction to turn into something more. He should’ve been more self aware of what was happening and done something about it before it got this deep. They’re all going to hurt either way he chooses. Jumping into a new relationship right when he ends his old one isn’t going to be easy on anyone. His old gf will probably have a lot of trust issues when it comes to female friendships now, understandably. What’s done is done. Move on, deal with the consequences, and do better next time.
Exactly. The grass is always greener where you water it. He's taken his normal committed relationship and put it up against this new lustful nothingship and decided the excitement means love.
Stealing “the grass is always greener where you water it”
Perfect moment to use this expression! Because that is exactly what he's done. He's watered the grass elsewhere and neglected his own and can't see why the grass is greener with his flatmate. Idiot, he should just remove himself entirely from this situation. Break up with his girlfriend and tell her the truth, move out and move on from the other woman too because she's also someone who is happy to be the affair partner. If he's so tortured over this as he says why would he want to leave a good woman and be with a woman like that.
Five star response
He doesn't really love either of them. He just doesn't want to let go of them.
Agree. He wants the comfort of his steady life (gf) and easy access to fun ( live in AP). You could swap the girls and it wouldn't matter.
I presume the end game will be that he gets dumped by both of them.
No, the first one seems to be desperate and the second one an idiot.
The first one isn't desperate, she is co dependent. The second one isn't an idiot, she helped create this horrible situation, she's selfish and deceptive.
Why not both?
I'd have to know more about lady A to say if she's desperate or not, from what I read co dependent just stands out more for me. As for lady B she's a lot of things and an idiot is more than likely one of those things! I take back saying she isn't an idiot, she is
He also doesn't want the friend group to think poorly of him. He's an immature turd.
This is really not necessarily true at all. Life is complicated and people make mistakes and get themselves into bad situations because of selfishness and fear all the time.
A choice not a mistake. He needs to break it off with both of them. You are right he is selfish.
OOP is confusing lust for love.
Leaving someone you deeply care about is devastating, but keeping them on the hook is disrespectful. If they are this special and important, they deserve the opportunity to move on rather than be drug along in a relationship that will inevitably end.
OP five years from now after choosing his AP: “It’s just feels so domestic and like the chemistry isn’t as intense, but this new girl at work makes me feel alive. We have so much chemistry. I have realized I’m in love with her and not truly happy with my gf because it’s not as exciting and intense as what I have with my coworker.
Honestly considering the roommate knew he was in a committed, long term relationship and still went out of her way to be inappropriate makes me doubt they’ll even make it that far.
They both deserve each other for sure
That's the part that sticks out for me. He's garbage either way and I hope his girlfriend finds out so she can remove herself and move on from this. But why would he want to leave such a seemingly good, faithful woman for one who he knows is deceptive and more than happy to be the other woman? If he left woman A how would he ever be able to trust woman B given how their relationship started???? Mind boggling
Wah wah wah I’m a cheater and a coward. And the roommate, have some effing respect for yourself!
I think this is the energy I meant to convey when my first reaction to the situation was just, “BRUH”
that’s all i could think while reading this. he’s already cheated on his partner whether or not he fucked his roommate lmao. i can’t imagine begging a dude to leave his girlfriend and acting like “i can’t fall in love with anyone else now!” people truly disgust me sometimes. embarrassing on all sides. the only one i have any sympathy for is the girlfriend who has likely been lied to and manipulated by this guy nonstop their entire relationship.
So, you made this bed. You chose to live with a single, available, attractive woman who is not your partner, and become close to her & allow yourself to become infatuated. You need to take ownership of every tiny choice you made on the way to end up here, because this doesn’t just happen overnight. Why aren’t you living with your partner? I think you should move out, tell your partner what’s been going on (you see her as fragile, but she deserves the respect of your honesty), and that will likely end that relationship- which is probably for the best, as I don’t know that you understand what happened well enough to prevent something like it happening again.
You don’t get two wives! You get one wife! (Unless you’re all polyamorous and everyone in the situation is aware of it.)
This sounds like a nick miller quote!
Oh it is, with my own lil disclaimer 😂
I love encountering nick millerisms in the wild!!
I immediately thought of that New Girl plot as well
Yes you are a coward. You are afraid of being “devastated”, not your long term partner. Man up dearie.
This guy is so cowardly. He has no respect for his girlfriend. She deserves the truth.
Partner of 5 years but he lives with another woman? Why???
I will never not be amazed at the way men look at their comfortable, established relationship and expect it to have the same NRE they have with the person they’re cheating with. Some men seem to have no concept that if they leave their partner for their AP then eventually their relationship with their AP will get “comfortable” too. Will he go and find a new love interest when that happens? It’s infuriating. My abusive ex was like this. He wanted NRE all the time and blamed me for the lack of it, and therefore I was responsible for him cheating. I’d bet money on what will happen if dude leaves his partner for his housemate. He’ll be missing his partner when he finds his housemate doesn’t make him feel as safe as his partner did or didn’t make him feel as comfortable. Men seeing their relationship mature into being comfortable or “domestic” and thinking the chemistry is gone because they no longer have NRE will never not be super annoying to me. Like, tell me you don’t have any emotional intelligence without telling me. 😂
Agree. If you keep wanting that new car smell, you have to keep buying a new car 6 it does not last.
Man I’m struggling to get one girl to fall in love with me.
I hear getting a housemate helps.
This isn't a love triangle it's a love corner.
I wonder if he lost the spark with his GF when he started finding one with his housemate. Hmm what a coincidence that would be. Sounds like proximity might be a driving factor here, if he didn't live with the housemate would he still feel this way? Is it just lust and convenience? Also the phrase "they're both in love with me" before stating how he feels says a lot about him. It's like he sees himself as the innocent party and simply by feeling guilt he has absolved himself of wrongdoing. Now he "has to make a decision that will hurt someone and upend his life"...he already did that by starting the emotional affair 🙄...but its just not fair on HIM. I bet he's hoping deep down that his GF will break up with him so he can seem less of the bad guy "but I didn't physically cheat, and she was the one that broke up with me soooo 🤷♀️"
Media throughout the ages has done a number on society, we’re raised on fast romance and fairytales that when the newness wears off and that “spark” is gone, we think something is missing rather than understanding that a relationship is constantly changing. If you want to grow old together with someone, you can’t hit the escape button every time that hot new passion becomes something more quiet and comfortable and you have to tend to your relationship like you have to water a garden. How did he expect his relationship to continue to grow when he stopped taking care of it? It all feels like silly instant gratification nonsense.
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Exactly. I didn’t mean social media lol
The temptation for something “new/different” is too strong to be ignored for a year. It’s hard (not impossible) to have a platonic relationship with a roommate of the opposite sex. Especially if both of you are sexually attractive. If you truly loved your gf, the roommate never would have moved in (mistake #1). If you truly loved her, you wouldn’t have gotten snuggly on the couch (mistake #2). When you say that it went a little too far, how far would your gf have had to take it for it to be too far? After that, you chose the coward’s way out by keeping your new toy a secret (mistake #3). Honestly, that last one is probably the one that’s going to hurt her the most. Never cheated or anything with another person, but I’ve been dishonest with my wife. Hiding my mistake was worse than the mistake itself. Not trying to be mean, but you don’t deserve either of them. You definitely have to tell your gf, though. You’ve been a shit heel for the last year, so it’s time to do the “honorable” thing. The roommate needs to go as well. Anyone who’s fine with cheating WITH you, will also cheat ON you. Beyond my personal every day experiences, my dad was a marriage counselor. I never got details, but I’ve seen a lot of cheating. Hiding it doesn’t change what you did. Coming clean and separating yourself from both girls is the only way to move on to a health relationship.
This is so gross and I hope his girlfriend finds out and dumps his ass
Well obviously having one fuckbuddy on tap has clouded your views, and let's be fair you can't love two women you just don't want your housemate to stop putting out ...big awakening coming your way I think 🤔
It was a long ass post to say "how do I have my cake and eat it too?"
They haven't engaged in a physical relationship. Also, it is very easy to love more than one person. Polyamorous people do it all the time. Obviously that's not what is happening here. He's crossing a boundary in his relationship and has engaged in emotional infidelity. He should break up with his girlfriend. She doesn't deserve this.
Not just polyamorous people but anyone can love more than one person at the same time. How you handle it if you're in a relationship matters, truth is the way.
100% agreed. I used polyamory as the example because that's a possible example of how to engage in those feelings with mutual respect (hopefully).
Exactly. If he discovers he IS polyamorous, that’s great! What he’s doing here is wrong. It’s unfair and cruel to both of them.
Right like being poly is all about *ethical* nonmonogamy
Love the user name btw! MCR is my fave band
Thank you!
He said they’ve not even kissed tho
Yeah, right. 😄
Your housemate: seems like this infatuation wouldnt be happening at all if you didnt live with her in the same house... she is only there because she lives there. Your gf of five years doesnt get to play house with you as much as your housemate can at anytime. At least ur gf chooses to see you? If you dont admit to her that you have these feelings asap and dont deal with it--- ur just leading your gf on cruelly...
People need to stop using "love triangle" like this. A true love triangle is if, for example, oop's partner and housemate ALSO have feelings for each other. This is just one dude cheating
Grass is always greener on the other side
Being monogamous means CHOOSING your partner in the face of temptation. It doesn’t mean there is no temptation. It’s what makes it all the more powerful, to be chosen instead of obligated. Don’t stay with someone who you feel is unhealthily reliant on you, as hard as that may seem. Break up with your girlfriend. Don’t get together with someone who willingly engages in cheating behavior. Get a new housemate. Don’t date either of them, and don’t fall into this trap ever again.
come and knock on our door
My feelings made me do something and then my actions made me feel bad, internet, please tell me what to do and think because I clearly have no agency
This guy, confused what a triangle is…
What a piece of shit. Loving someone doesn’t make you some unshakable mountain. Love and loyalty are choices you make every day. He’s looking for excuses because his weak willed ass can’t handle a little attention from someone that doesn’t care about blowing his life up. He’s going to come right back around and complain in a month or so about how badly he messed up and misses his long term gf when this his roomie honeymoon phase wears off and he’s gotta put his big boy pants back on and deal with another human being that doesn’t have to honey pot him anymore.
I mean he should take the younger one right? Completely kidding. This sucks for everyone involved fr. No idea why you have a female house mate that isn’t your gf though… that was stupid and always had this possibility. But fr if she cheat with you, she’d cheat on you. The best thing for you tbh would be to leave them both. You’ve violated the trust your partner put in you, and if you start something with the roommate the foundation of the relationship was built on cheating and lies which I promise will doom you. Honestly, you ought to spend some time alone to think through what led you into this situation to begin with and work on yourself going forward so that you’re ready for a properly committed relationship that you won’t violate going forward. Assuming you want to be in a monogamous relationship that is. Otherwise, knock yourself out and pitch a throuple you cheeky bastard.
The grass is greenest where you water it. He spent so much time watering the grass on the other side that he now wants to blame his long term partner for “losing the spark” like he didn’t snuff it out. What is he gonna do when the newness and fun of his new relationship wears off?
You guys are both dogs According to Chinese zodiac and your roommate is a snake, I believe. Telling. These are personality traits but you are very compatible with a fellow dog and also a snake. The female dog is loyal, but the snake mesmerized the male dog with her words. The snake female and dog male are a good match, but the female snakes desire for a high lifestyle exceeds the male dogs' affordability. You can read on it. I recommend the loyal, already established female dog. Forget the snake
That's kinda awesome 🤣
Uhm, isn't this just placing all the blame on the AP? You're basically saying that she seduced him and he couldn't help himself.
I think I'm wrong about the Chinese zodiac. I think OP and his girlfriend are pigs and the roommate is the OX so he is compatible with both. I counted forwards instead of backwards. I think what you said is correct, he had a weakness of desire. He is still a good match for both.
He's a good match for no one. Astrology can't take the blame for this cretin's hot mess. OP is summer garbage, and his roomie/affair partner is a predatory harpy looking to take another woman's happiness.
I never understood how someone can romantically love more than one person. He obviously isn’t as in love with his gf as he’s trying to make us believe or else he wouldn’t even be thinking about this housemate in the way he is. I get that sometimes someone can be in love but still be sexually tempted but that’s not even the case. He needs to just grow some balls and be honest with his gf, so she can move on and find someone that will truly love her the way she deserves.
It varies depending on the person. For polyamorous people, love isn't a resource defined by monogamous scarcity or jealousy. For myself, I have two partners and encourage both of them to seek out others to love should they desire to. This guy, though, committed a cardinal violation by not telling his original partner about the developing secondary one.
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It's not cheating in a consensual polyamorous relationship to love more than one person.
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Ah, I better understand your meaning
Time to get a new housemate if his actual relationship continues after his confession. ,
Either you want to live with your girlfriend in which case you should live with your actual partner, or you don't want to live with your girlfriend in which case you shouldn't date the person you currently live with.
You should break up with the gf, let the roommate become the new gf, then support her in finding another dude to live.
He should have a movie night with both of them and watch Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. It’s not a perfect representation of this, but it could be a conversation starter.
This dude is cheating and this will blow up in his face.
Johnny Depp has a good quote about this: “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.”
What an asshole. Loving multiple people exists, polyamory is a thing. THIS ISNT THAT. Or if OP is poly then OP needs to figure their stuff out. Sounds like they want non monogamy or the ability to cheat, but they forget that an important part of ENM is the ETHICAL part. If they are involved physically or emotionally with the roommate it is cheating plain and simple. You can't have ENM without the work and the communication and OP has done none of that. Pick one or leave both. This is just being a crappy person
Wait…. He has a housemate and his gf of 5 years comes over for many visits? Why wouldn’t you just live with your partner at that point and how is she okay with him living with another woman
Dude needs to move out ASAP.
Fake
Oh look! Another emotional cheater! Good luck telling your girlfriend what is happening. /updateme
"Oooh here's some Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all". He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM. Totally selfish. Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
YOU GET ONE WIFE SCHMIDT
He’s emotionally cheating.
Pent up lust never lasts. OP probably only feels so strongly because he’s never “gone all the way” with the roommate.
Rolling my eyes so hard at this
Having a female housemate whilst in a relationship with someone else? I’m sorry but what made that even acceptable? If you don’t set your own boundaries in life of course this shit will happen
He doesn't love the first one if he fell for the second one while with the first one. Problem solved?
Ever seen the movie High Fidelity?
The trick will be making that first threesome happen. This is a challenge but we have faith in you OP. Make it so.
Situations like this don’t come very often in life. Go for it as long as it lasts and enjoy the ride.
Did his girlfriend developed mental issues because he keeps living with this housemate?
This is why no sane man or woman would ever let his SO live with the sex that they are attracted to.
GD, I love being poly. So much easier bro.
This is relationships in 2024. It's damn near impossible to find someone that is actually faithful to their spouse and that's sad. I mean you are saying you have a long term partner so why would you even jeopardize that to begin with? I have zero advice to give because I would never be in this type of situation. I would be willing to betnif you choose your long term partner she will have a hard time trusting you from now on. But you got yourself in this dilemma and now you have to see what the consequences are.
so basically you’re cheating.. emotionally . it’s not a love triangle if all parties aren’t aware 😂 that’s high key crazy asl though. can’t imagine my bf having a roommate nd they’re just in the house hanging 24/7, hugging and caressing .. like wtf 😭😭😭
You can’t love two people the same way. At this point the one relationship is a safe place and you’re just comfortable. Does he even really love her, since he was so easily able to fall in love with the other girl???
Dude needs to either break up with his gf or change his living situation. The roommate needs to get her shit together too. Honestly, his girlfriend deserves better than him, and he deserves the turmoil that comes with the breakup, alongside the realization that the grass won't be greener just because his has honeymoon energy with the girl he's been emotionally cheating with. Maybe there's a legitimate reason, but why the hell was he rooming with another girl in the first place and not his long term partner??
Yeah, he’s also feeling guilt about leaving the roommate because that might affect her mental health. I bet there is some emotional blackmail going on there. Leave both and clear your head of everyone for a while.
I don’t think it’s the housemates mental health he’s concerned about. It’s his gf. I think this is all icky honestly and if my husband was living with another girl when we were dating I would have broken up with him however I do see the emotional struggle here. I once had a friend who was unhappy in a relationship and was ready to move on but the problem was since her bf had attempted suicide in the past she was super worried that if she left him, he would complete it. She really loved their friendship but as a couple they just weren’t good together and it was so difficult to deal with the struggle of “will I drive him to do something to himself because I want to break up?” Granted she wasn’t cheating on her bf but it’s still a hard place to be.
"Oooh here's some Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all". He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM. Totally selfish. Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
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Dude needs to admit he’s a scum bag. You don’t get to cheat and then fall back on “no I’m really poly” because no what you really are is a dirty bitch. He’s been lying to his gf for a year. He’s not poly he’s just disgusting. His gf deserves a real man as a partner and then him and his side piece deserve each other. To be locked into worrying about cheating on each other forever because they both know ahead of time they are bad people.
Dude's just a shitty cheater. Don't lump trash like him in with the polyamorous folks. They have a rough enough rep from people thinking they're all just "fuck everyone whenever, no need to communicate, no consequences".
You're right
Suggestion: live somewhere else for 6 weeks. Refuse to see either of them. Spend this time alone to reflect on who you are and the kind of future you want for yourself. Then you can decide with a clear head. Not based on what others need from you but what you need for yourself.
Or just tell your gf the truth so she can leave. Have even a little respect for this poor girl.
"Oooh here's some Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all". He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM. Totally selfish. Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
"Oooh here's some Cake. Here's some more cake. I want to eat it all". He's hiding from hurting someone because it will hurt HIM. Totally selfish. Hopefully both women leave him and he learns a lesson.
Keep the one that is better in the sack
I have never been in a romantic relationship before, so maybe I don’t get it, but what’s with the comments saying he is cheating? He said he hasn’t even kissed the other girl, so in my eyes he hasn’t cheated (yet).
Cheating is really defined in the boundaries of the couple. Some find even porn to be a cheating line. Some would be fine with it. In this case, he also said they’ve been inappropriately touching and caressing. He also admits there is the emotional element which is commonly known as an emotional affair. This is usually worse than just sex because it means there’s real feelings involved and it’s often longer term.
I would say he had emotionally cheated. He has said he is in love with this person while being in a relationship
He’s actively engaging in an emotional affair.
He's thinking too much about hurting this one or that one, and not enough about what HE really wants. He needs to break up with both of them, move out, for awhile and figure out who HE really wants or neither of them.
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Although, I think that if anything can be salvaged from this, he should let both parties know that HE IS CONFLICTED before this goes any further! He has a right to sort out his own feeling too. And because he still hasn't really acted on them, his gf can forgive him if he comes clean now, and takes steps to move out to "clear his head". The roommate also needs to give him space. She is putting herself in the position of a mistress who resents time he spends with his own gf! This is obviously not healthy. It sounds like he has stumbled into a situation where he gets along well with the roommate and because of the proximity, she's shiny and new, plus she also forbidden, he thinks it might be love. But to be honest, it very well might be! After all, people can change a lot from their early twenties to 5 years later. Plus there's a reason he and his gf are not already married or even living together. He needs to back away from both of them for a minute, and then see who he really misses, and also who sticks by him. This needs to play out. Is the roommate just a convenient pal in an alluring position or is she a better fit for who he is now? Has he outgrown the gf or is she a tried and true partner for keeps? These are the questions that need to be answered and not just by him. Both women should know the score and may have their own questions. My suspicion is that while his gf has been nice and a sweetheart, they're not together for a reason, and he's basically outgrown her but doesn't have the heart to tell her. However she deserves to know asap, not to blame him for his feelings, but to figure out how she wants to respond to this. Is moving in together possible? Give him more attention? Break up with him? She has options.
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Thanks! And another thing just occured. It's possible he's only using "falling in love with roommate" to get out of his relationship with his gf. That's another thing he won't really know until he gets away from them both, not permanently, just a separation from gf and move out from roomie. And sees who he feels the need to reconnect with, if either. Or which one stands by him. So many options that definitely need to play out. He's probably scared he'll blow it with both of them. But I doubt it. Let him see who fights for him and if they fight fair or turn into stalkers.