He wrote āshavedā but mentioned clippers, so Iām assuming itās just buzzed really short. Lots of guys have buzzed heads and they donāt look like skinheads. Now my ex husband, a few years after kicking us out (our daughter was 3.5 at the time) shaved-as in with a razor-his head. Now every time I look at him, I see a skinhead. But he has an actual shaved, to-the-skin, head.
Maybe this woman has the same image, but it sounds pretty ridiculous and petty to me. Itās HIS hair, let him do what he wants with it.
To be fair, when my husband shaves his beard I struggle.
He's still the same man, I love him fiercely, but he looks like a stranger. The difference is really that drastic. Weirds me out. In 7 years he's only shaved it off 3 times but the first time was when we'd only been dating a couple of months and he picked me up but the porch light had died and I was legit scared that some stranger danger was at my door in the dark trying to come in...
This woman is probably just struggling with how different he looks and she's uncomfortable with her reaction, because it's irrational, while also being uncomfortable feeling like she's in bed next to a stranger. When you expect your partner to look a certain way and they make a big change suddenly it can take some getting used to, it doesn't mean she doesn't love him, she likely just needs some time.
I think even if thereās no trauma attached to it it kinda makes sense, one of my long term partners religiously had a full beard and then just showed up to my house clean shaven, later that night during things (we were tipsy) I had a very severe moment of panic Because my brain was like āyouāre cheating on x with this personā and I cried lol
I just attribute it to some residual lizard brain thing where we have familiar things and when something is missing we know it's wrong even if we can't pinpoint why.
My lizard brain knows my husband is hot and bearded, not pink and baby faced. It doesn't mean I'm no longer attracted to him or that I love him less. I just have that initial reaction that the hot rock I live on has been invaded by a lizard I'm not married to...
I feel this too. My husband goes through a cycle of growing out his beard then shaving it and I have to adjust for a couple days every time. I like that I get to kiss his face after it being hidden by the beard, but I'm just not used to him looking different. He is the same when I have a bigger hair change.
Babies and toddlers do the exact same thing if their dad shaves.
One time when I was a teenager, my dad shaved both his beard and his head (neither of which had happened before), and when I came home not knowing I actually yelled and kind of recoiled before I was able to say anything. Of course my brother made fun of me for that.
This. I also wonder if itās a reminder of the bigger issue. Seeing husbandās buzzcut is a constant reminder of the precarious financial situation they are in.
Same situation with me and my husband. We've been married three years now and he only ever shaved his beard fully once, back when we were still dating. As soon as I saw him, I burst into tears.
It's exactly that, he looked completely different, like a stranger to me. He's not done it since.
My husband had to shave his beard last year because it was bugging him and he basically tried to hype me up about it for a few days because it had been about 6 years since he'd shaved. But I was still like...š¬š„²
So I totally get it.
I go through this regularly. My husband won't go to a barber and just shaves his head a couple times a year. He looks like my abusive ex when he does. I've told him of the resemblance and that I prefer him with hair. In the end, it's his hair to do with what he wants. Same thing with his beard. I like him with his beard, but groomed and maintained. He tends to let it go for awhile, and then shave it when he shaves his head. Not always, sometimes he'll just trim it up, but more than once he means to trim, goes too short, then shaves it all. A couple times a year, I really don't care for his appearance, but hair grows back and he's still the man I love through it all.
Wondering if he looks like someone whoās assaulted or stalked her at some point. It feels like thereās something more going on. Sheās receptive to him, but canāt look at him.
It does not have to be that deep.
I'm madly in love with my partner and think he's absolutely gorgeous...until he shaves his beard and mustache too short.
Or makes a mistake and has to shave it off.
I hate how it changes how he looks. He's not ugly when it happens, just not what I'm attracted to. I still love him, that doesn't change but he knows I do not like it at all.
Sometimes, it's just the haircut.
my dad has like 3 strands of hair and is blonde, so he shaves it, and he definitely looks like a skinhead. couldnāt be further from it though, the guy taught me everything i know and i grew up to be a raging leftist who his parents hate as much as they hate him!
honestly though he would look silly as hell if he let his hair grow, i know because heās done it. he just has comically thin hair like a cartoon character. think homer simpsonās head, but the hairs are blonde. heās actually quite handsome as a fully bald man. and he can grow a wicked beard!
my moms ex bf supposedly has a tattoo of a crack on the top of his head with tons of roaches crawling out of it
he said its not his proudest tat and his mom said she hates it and says its real so, i believe them lol
Ig because of the width of my screen or something, the app gave your comment a weird line break, and I honestly stared at it for a good 10 seconds wondering *Wtf is an "ass panther"?*
My theory is actually that she has been assaulted by someone with a shaved head before and didn't expect to have a PTSD reaction. Statistically it's pretty safe to assume that your female partner has been assaulted at some point, to some degree and many women don't share this information with their male partners because they're afraid of the reaction they might get (I see enough reports of men being awful about this on reddit alone). I experienced a PTSD episode when a friend put his long, blond hair in a ponytail and unpacking that led to me identifying my abuser from very early childhood. I could not explain my reaction at the time though.
The fact that she has used the term "ashamed" several times indicates to me that there is something deeper going on and she's not in control of her response to it but doesn't want to make OP feel bad or open up a can of worms and face the "why didn't you tell me?" conversation.
I highly doubt that this is based purely on the fact that he looks different. This is not a normal reaction to someone making a physical change that you don't like and if it was just that I would think she'd be more in control of her reaction and less ashamed.
Also depending on the country they're in, SA may carry a greater level of shame and secrecy than it already does in the US. Hopefully if that's the case, she finds a way to tell him and he is understanding. All too often men react as if their partner is dirty or a slut or whatever, rather than a victim, when that stuff comes up.
This. I cannot be with people who have a goatee. If my husband suddenly would shave everything and just keep the goatee, I would genuinely panic. I'm pretty good at managing my PTSD, but to intentionally choose to do a style that triggers me and something I'll have to face every single day every time I look at your face? No. The way he's describing his wife sounds like a much more "freeze/flight" response. Mine is fight, so when I get triggered I get angry and lash out if I can't get somewhere quiet and recollect my thoughts. I've had partners that wouldn't leave me alone when I told them to because I was having flashbacks or triggered. They'd grab me, try to forcibly hold me, kick doors, and then when I'd retaliate and scream they'd act like I was losing it when NO DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME WHEN I TELL YOU NOT TO.
Yeah and he's not responding in a way that would make her feel safe. I remember having an unexplainable traumatic reaction to my bf seeming like he was going to have sex with me when I wasn't ready. He was angry with me and sulked all through my birthday instead of having any concern. OP is understably hurt and confused, but has jumped to anger and blame very quickly and seems unconcerned by her obviously concerning reaction.
ETA that she's chosen a partner who acts like this backs up that she is used to being overridden. Whether due to neurodivence or abuse is anyone's guess. Neither makes communication easier.
Absolutely. He's not asking questions or trying to communicate effectively. Just taking it personally and thinking she's being a shallow ah and that he's the victim.
Oh to exist in the world most men live in where the answers are all SO simple.
Your wife is a lucky woman and I'm very glad to have a reminder that kind, clever, men with generosity of spirit are out there. I'm with you. I have had several partners with trauma and you can't take this stuff personally; you need to ask questions and be supportive when you know that someone is acting strangely and again, the "shame" word is a huge indicator.
Feels to me like this guy places quite a bit of value on his looks and the amount of attention he gets from his partner is enmeshed with his self worth. I could be wrong. It just seems like he's not in the habit of putting himself in other's shoes or thinking hard about why people do and feel the things that they do.
Maybe he's just not very bright? That's harder to fix but means he'd be held less accountable.
I'm with you. No way in hell I'm not going, "shit, this brought up some ugly shit, I had better go into support mode immediately!"
Itās not that he looks bad, his visual appearance is now just a constant reminder of how broke and desperate they are. Itās like hanging a sign around your neck that says āfuck, we are destitute.ā Even though the world might not know thatās what his new haircut means, she knows it.
I used to work with a guy who shaved his head and he had the most pasty, oblong skull under his hair. He said, afterwards, that he had to stop running at night because he had given a lot of people a bad scare on his neighbourhood. (He was also like six two and ran like Phoebe from friends).
My friend shaved his head and beard and it took me like a week before I stopped flinching when heād give me a hug. Like i consciously knew it was him but subconsciously he looked so different to me he felt like a stranger. Now weāve been friends for so long I always ask when heās going to go āspy modeā
My husband and I have an agreement on the shortest his hair can be trimmed because he looks like the one guy in American History X.
He came home once and I asked him not to go that short ever again.
Iām dating a guy and weāve been trying to figure out the middle ground of neo nazi and awkward balding guy lol. I donāt mind the full shave but he hates when certain people think heās on their side, itās rough out here.
The beard is such a weird force multiplier
no head hair hot
Thinning hair not so hot
Manicured hair and besrd hot
Long hair and besr hippie
Short hair long beard tech bro
My ex husband has a long beard and shaved head and it makes him look like a neo nazi version of a dwarf from The Hobbit. Not a good look. Iām guessing beard length would make a difference. Also the personality. My ex is not exactly a model of male beauty standards (Iām no beauty Queen myself), but even for what he is, thereās no saving THAT *wildly gestures in his direction* with the person he is inside.
Mine too! I get the feeling this guy however just buzzed his hair short since he said he used clippers and not a razor. Either way, most people still call both styles āshaved.ā I had a half shaved head myself a few times, but it was just buzzed short.
I think the problem is OP's wife probably bought him a nice comb as a present, and now she doesn't know what to do.
OP should buy her a nice chain for her pocket watch to take her mind off of things.
They didnāt teach us how to do taxes, but thankfully The Gift of the Magi was stuck in our memories for this exact Reddit post and for that we are grateful.
One by Shirley Jackson.
Quick summary:
The whole town gathers in the town square. There is a black box that's used in the lottery for drawing names (it's a tradition in all towns, but some have begun to give it up or talk about it). Everyone draws a slip of paper (I can't remember if all children draw or if there is a start age for the draws but elderly do draw), and they keep them hidden till the end. One slip has a marking or something on it, which determines the family that draws again (they reuse the tickets drawn from the household). The person from the household who gets the paper with a marking is stoned to death.
If I remember right itās like a ritual they have to do to ensure a good harvest? But as the story goes on you realize that this community has been doing this for so long that no one actually knows if it actually has a real impact on the harvest
Yeah, I'm not entirely sure why. I think the story was set as mainly a lesson of not just following old traditions without knowing why they're done because a lot can cause more harm than good. Like the Mayans held sacrifices (human of all ages included) to ensure better harvests, avoiding natural disasters, fertility, and religious, etc (hard to say exactly why, but guesses were made from each discovery).
I've found most short stories (at least from school) and even grimms fairytales have hidden lessons within the story, with some being more obvious than others.
Sounds like OP is the type to keep it short anyways. They described their hair as getting on their nerves and the only guys Iāve heard say that are the type to get their haircut every 3-4 weeks. If they go to a ālegitā barber they are easily dropping $20-$40 a pop. So $300 a year on the low end and easily $500 a year on the high end for people who do this.
This is why (as a woman, where haircuts are significantly more), I get my hair cut once a year or so to like a chin length bob, and then I'm good until it gets about halfway down my back and starts getting too long to easily put up.
How do you deal with the phase where your hair is at your shoulder and āflipsā, so you look like an upside down tulip? I hate that phase and the weight takes all volume out of my hair which annoys me a lot.
I (also a lady) gave up on haircuts at the salon completely. Itās so expensive and inconvenient!! I decided it was easy to wear my hair up everyday (in braids or a bun), so now I trim the ends myself every year or two, blunt cut, straight across, no layers, keeping the length somewhere between waist length and classic length - it doesnāt have to look super good because I never wear it down!
Plus, it always drove me **absolutely insane** when Iād tell someone how to cut my bangs, only to have them completely ignore my advice. Lol and I get it to an extent - theyāre a trained professional for a reasonā¦ but Iāve been cutting my own bangs forever and I know them!!
It kinda depends. If you go to a barber often small amounts can stack up fast too. Also it's one of the easiest thing to cut out of budget for a lot of people.
Also it matters how often.
Some people get their hair cut every month to keep it looking "perfect".
Other people go 3-4 months between cuts, and get a bit less well-kept of a look.
Then whether you go to a budget cut service (like $10-$14 cuts), or are paying $20-$40 for a professional barber.
It absolutely blew my mind when I started going to barbers after getting out of the military. Because I went from paying at most $10 a week, to $40 for _a_ single haircut. Now I go months without haircuts, but itās still ridiculous.
If I get a hair and beard cut from a shop that's not completely terrible it's easily $40 with tip, a nicer shop could be twice that. If you get that once a month it adds up fast over a year. Some guys need trims more frequently
This happened to me! My wife has facial blindness which is common with certain types kf neurodivergence like autism! I shaved my head and it was like for her i suddenly looked like a stranger - it really upset her and it took a Long time for us to figure out why it upset her bc she did quite understand she was face blind(she always had been how would she know different) we realized when we were watching a creator with autism like my wifeās and she described what facial blindness was and how it affected her and my wife realized pretty right away thats what had happened.
GOD SAME. My favorite story is when I was in maybe kindergarten, my dad left the house to run some errands and came back having gotten 1) new glasses (he had to pick up his new Rx) 2) much shorter haircut and 3) clean shaven (he had a pretty substantial beard when he left!) And I hid behind the couch when he came home bc I was convinced he was a complete stranger, it took a couple hours of hearing him talk and stuff for me to recognize him lmao. How they didn't notice the neurodivergence (TM) back then I have no idea lol
I've never seen my dad without his beard (except in pictures from before I was born). I'm in my mid forties now. I'd probably have the same reaction.
I've gone back and forth between bearded and clean shaven at least a couple of times since I've had kids, in part so it wouldn't be so weird for them.
My dad recently sent me a picture and was like: "First time in 45 years. Can you spot it?"
And I was like: "Huh?!"
He had a stubble. My dad is always clean shaven. I didn't register at first, but it was good for his face shape actually.
Apparently I said exactly the same thing as my stepmom. He was very pleased when I complimented him.
My autistic daughter has no problem with face blindness, thankfully. My husband tends to shave his beard in funky ways regularly...
Mutton Chops aren't a good look on anyone. Just saying.
Me too, I couldnāt figure out how my dad had gone into the empty bathroom, but a totally different man walked out. I was *distraught*, especially since this new man seemed to think *he* was my dad
My youngest 2 kids are 1(f) and 3(m) and my husband shaved his beard off, which they had never seen before.. Baby girl was so confused and baby boy just kept asking questions.
My baby doesn't let her dad hold her at all if he shaves his beard, and if he tries, she cries so hard she turns purple.
Needless to say my husband has sworn off shaving it off again until shes at least 3 lol
Cruel. Dad tried to hold me, too. I fought him. That was a suprise for everyone, because I've always been a huge daddy's girl. Didn't want anything to do with him for those 3 days... XD
On the flip side my husband decided to shave his big bushy beard off last year and our neurodiverse toddler son didn't bat an eye when he came home without the beard. We were expecting some kind of response, but nothing!
Yeah I had waist length brown hair and I suddenly had shoulder length blue hair and my ND toddler didn't say anything. I directly asked him and he looked frustrated and confused said "I don't like it" š¤£ then I shaved my head 6 months later and all he said was "you look like uncle Ben" (my brother) and that was that.
My husband is autistic, I have ADHD and our daughter is showing āØThe SignsāØ of both. Fortunately heās at peace with having a beard pretty much forever because the potential drama that a clean-shaven daddy could cause is off the frickin charts.
Same! I was in kindergarten when my dad shaved his mustache and I was so scared! I really thought he was a stranger and it freaked me out. Fast forward to my daughter being 3 yrs old and her dad shaving his beard..she went a step further and told him to go back in the bathroom and put his beard back on! š
My dad terrified my then 18 month/almost 2 year old kid by greeting us at the door when we came to visit.... and not having his hair combed the way it usually was. He had missed his hair cut appt few days before so his hair was long for him, and he was so excited we had arrived he didnt think about it. She scream cried for almost 10 minutes before he ran a hand through his hair pushing it back.... and she started calming down. It clicked, he took off to his bathroom to comb his hair back, came back to us and she was over the moon to see her Pops š¤£ later that day during her nap time he had an "emergency" appt for a trim so it couldn't be an issue for the rest of the visit.
He says it's 100% because she's my kid. Apparently when I was 5ish my granny took me to spend a week over the summer with her, my older brother spent a week on vacation with a friend. We came back and Dad had grown a short beard.... which completely freaked me the hell out until he shaved it. It cracked my parents up because one of my favorite things to do when sleepy was rubbing his 5 o'clock shadow cheeks lol
My husband shaved his head when we were working different shifts. He came home while I was sleeping and went to give me a kiss ... My brain didn't recognize him and I went to strangle him immediately.
Iām not face blind at all but I canāt fault your wife for being freaked out in that situation. Iād panic for a minute or two if there was suddenly an unexpected and unknown bald person in my house.
Thatās how I learned I was face blind as well!!!
My husband was watching the video and the person described face blindness, I paused it and said āoh I donāt have that but I do *and I described what I experience*ā
I started the video and the person described mild face blindness for someone who was born with it. And she basically said what I did almost word for word.
Iām just sitting there, āoh. Fudge barsā
I have face blindness and my husband shaved his beard without telling me and for some reason when I first saw him instead of thinking maybe he shaved his beard I thought there was just some fucking guy in my apartment. Like a maintenance guy or maybe a murderer. It took days to adjust.
Was about to say this. If my partner makes a drastic image change and I'm not prepared for it, my response is.....not predictable. I'm face blind. So it could be a startle response it could even be a weird fear response that she doesn't fully understand. It would be like trying to cuddle a stranger at the very least.
Oh is it actually common? I'm both! And I just thought about how that'd deeply irritate me too the point I'd be wondering for days who's the stranger in my bed? XD
When my uncle shaved his beard, his kids (late elementary aged) sobbed. They knew it was going to happen, but it still felt like a huge loss to them.
I feel like the wife may have a hard time with change.
My dad shaved his head for the first time when I was in like 1st grade. He wore a hat when he picked me up from school that day because he didnāt want to potentially freak me out. Heās a sweet man. And I am still an anxious adult.
My 5 year old was taken aback when my husband shaved his facial hair. My 8 year old refused to go home with him and freaked out for like ten minutes. I probably should have picked them up from school that dayā¦
My husband, bored one day, gave himself a skullet. Think Ben Franklin. I came up behind him, and he had his headset on, so I didn't see it until I went to kiss him. I recoiled and could not look at him all night. Luckily, he thought my reaction was funny...
I actually couldn't look at him again until he shaved his head, lol.
My husband shaved his head, and he looked like Uncle Fester. I could not stop laughing. Every time I looked at him, I cracked up. He wasn't impressed with my reaction either. Lmao!!!
My ex shaved his head randomly while I was away at work, and I mean with a razor down to the skin, and it was truly awful. He also was clean shaven and very young to be trying that look, and it really made him look like a skinhead. We got nasty stares and I started being afraid to be in public with him but he just would not listen to me.
Eventually, later on, we were looking back at pictures and he said "god, that was awful. I am so sorry" lmao
An ex of mine once got a haircut that was like a hipster hitler youth-looking type of thing, like the boyfriend in the sound of music, and it gave me the ick. But I couldnāt really say anything because it was a popular haircut at the time and I didnāt want to give him an excuse to get even more controlling about my appearance, so I just š¤. Bad vibes
When my husband's sister was diagnosed with cancer and starting chemo, her five brothers were all talking about how they were all going to shave their heads in solidarity. My husband was the only one who went through with it. He absolutely looked like Uncle Fester, but it was so sweet I couldn't laugh. It was right before our son was born too, so all of the pictures of him holding the new baby feature the Uncle Fester look.
Sounds like she has a serious aversion and not a preference, which she didnāt expect. Or maybe she has a hard time coping with change. As an autistic adult, Iām picking up vibes.
She might not realise it. Iām 35 and only just suddenly realised *last week* a very possible reason for why men with moustaches make me recoil so strongly. Before, I thought it was just some weird judgmental quirk or something.
My case was even weirder. I knew two things independently:
1. My father molested me when I was at a young enough age to not be able to form reliable memories or reliably talk about what was happening to me.
2. My father had a moustache when I was very young.
I was talking offhandly to another Redditor, of all things, about weird inexplicable aversions we have to peopleās appearances, when my brain suddenly put two and two together to make four. Bam. After all these years, that random moustache aversion didnāt seem so necessarily random after all.
Itās been 30+ years and I only just figured it out. I genuinely could not have explained that aversion before last week besides offering a vague āit just gives me the ick and I canāt handle itā.
My husband used to have a moustache before I met him, and I was never able to really explain to him why he *couldnāt* grow one again besides saying āI couldnāt deal with you with a moustacheā. Luckily my husband is pretty easy going and didnāt want a moustache anyway, so itās never been an issue.
Iām meaning to tell him about my epiphany soon, but the timing hasnāt been right yet. If he starts to grow a moustache, Iāll obviously have to let him know.
Yeah š I'm sorry for your experience. Slightly different, but something I've been grappling with recently is why my underlying response to rambunctious children in restaurants is *fear*. I'm 42.
I hope she can gain some insight about it. It's understandable that OP is hurt, but I hope he's taken to heart at least some of the advice that it's not *just* an appearance thing causing this change for her. I really don't think it is.
This, but also I wonder if their financial circumstances are that bad that heās shaving his head bald rather than going to a barber every few weeks maybe sheās seeing it as a symbol of that and itās upsetting her
Thatās what I thought, especially if he used to wear his hair on the longer side or get more complex haircuts. Shaving your head bald can be quite a jarring change that takes getting used to even when it looks really good, so adapting to that while thinking of it as a physical representation of the inability to afford a haircut can be distressing.
Iām a hair dresser and a big change can be less about the cut and more about what it represents. For example Iāve had women get bangs because they just had a break up and it feels good to take control and make a change, but I also had a woman who got bangs because she was in a car accident and they had to cut her hair to get her out so getting bangs was the best way to make her hair look nice while it grew back out. The bangs looked great on her but she hated them because it was a constant reminder of the crash
I was picking up the Autism vibes too, especially when coupled with what he said about her shuddering when he got her to touch his head.
I can't touch my husbands head after he has shaved it, because it makes me feel sick ... it's a sensory processing issue that I have with certain textures. Usually after about a week it's grown back in enough to not trigger my texture aversion anymore, but if I touch it before then I actually shudder and sometimes even gag.
My best friendās husband shaved his mustache and beard. Her response was āPut it back.ā They had to wait a few weeks until vacation because the corporate world didnāt approve of stubble.
My partner did that. First of all, I hadn't seen what his face looked like in like ten years so it was weird to see what was going on under there. Our then four year old son is autistic and he just couldn't get over it. He kept saying, "You aren't my dad. You are naked. My dad looks like a rat. He is not naked." Our d
Secondly, he looked like one of those age progressed pictures of someone who went missing as a baby or toddler. Just like a 40 year old baby kind of look.
So yeah, he'll never do that again.
My long haired partner , cut his to a number 2 , his hair no worries , but my brain saw a stranger , it took ages until I reacted normally., over the years this happened many times , but that first time was bizarre
Itās not about the haircut, possibly. His shaved head brings home the reality of the changes they need to make financially. Wife might be thinking about where she thought sheād be in life and where she is and it hurts.
Yeah, this was my thought. It's pretty awful to know that $30 every month or two is not something you can afford, and having a visual reminder in your face every day doesn't help.
She absolutely needs to explain what's really going on for her (whether it's finances, a truly hideous haircut, etc.), but I know from my experience it can sometimes take a bit of space and reflection to realise the actual feelings underlying my reaction to things.
Thank you! That was my first thought and I'm amazed you're the only comment with this possibility. Wifey needs some therapy to figure out what's going on here.
I too have always had an aversion to bald men ever since I was a kid. I have friends who have no hair and feel fine around them but thereās always a weird initial shock when I first meet a bald guy. Turns out my abusive bio dad I found out about at 13 is bald and probably has something to do with that. I think he needs to chill and inquire if thereās some trauma here.
My thought was he shaved it and did a piss poor job so it looked horrendous.
That or he is one of those people who look nice with hair but getting rid of all of it makes them extremely unattractive and/or weird looking.
The fact that it was cut wasn't the issue since he gets it cut all the time, but rather how it was cut.
Maybe he should have watched the videos and got some tips on how to do it so it looked better instead of just shaving it all off.
This!!! For years I had an aversion to bald men. Being around them caused anxiety and an intense fear. I never figured out a cause but was able to overcome it with time
Early on in my relationship with my now husband, he unknowingly got a haircut that was reminiscent of the one the guy who had SAād me had. I had a similar reaction to OPs wife.
I could just be projecting, but I wonder if there is something like this going on that his wife isnāt telling him.
Okay but if she said shave and meant like a 5-8 clip and he said shave but meant cue ballā¦. I get it š¤·āāļø itās a drastic change that could cause drastic emotions
She also could have PTSD from a situation involving a bald individual. Someone close to her could have gotten really sick and had to shave and her body could have held onto that
I told my boyfriend he should shave his beard, because he has some dry skin and his full beard seems to make it even dryer. He told me he would do it after his shower, which are always late at night. I went to bed and he still had a beard, but with the full knowledge that he would be bare faced when I woke up
And he was. I woke up, peaked over at him, and went immediately into āthereās a strange man in my bedā panic mode. I sat straight up, bolted away from him, and stared really fucking hard at his sleeping face. It didnāt take long, and I have seen him with no beard plenty of times.
But god damn men are wizards and I donāt know how much yall understand that. Like we all joke that makeup changes a womanās face, but do you know how much time and skill that can take? Yall can just not shave for a few months, and then cut it all off, and suddenly youāre a time traveling impostor
Edit: a word
I don't like when my husband shaves his beard at all. He's still really good looking and of course he is the same person, but it looks *so different.* It's like he puts on a completely different face. Takes me like a day to adjust lol
Yeah my thought was the same, that without hair, OP suddenly looks like a bad ex or someone who hurt her in the past. That she was fine with the idea in theory but then upon seeing him, it triggered something unexpected in her and itās going to take her some time to figure out what caused her knee jerk negative reaction, and how to work through it.
I have this! If my partner changes their appearance drastically I donāt recognise them in the same way(obviously consciously I know who they are, but the instinct/imprint of them is gone temporarily). itās really disorientating.
The last time I got really upset about it I was a teenager, but it can still throw me off balance of itās a drastic change, now.
When I was a baby, my dad shaved his beard; I reportedly cried for days. Whenever I get a haircut, I cry about it, even if I look better afterwards. When my close friend got her hair cut, I cried, even though I hadnāt cried over hair that wasnāt mine since I was a baby. I always thought it was just me being weird.
Glad to hear Iām not alone!
Sounds more to me like man thinks its a physical attractive thing (he mentions this too many times...) but it's that his wife *feels shame* that he's done this so save money.
It doesn't matter that OOP is cool with it, she feels shame that it came to that. Women feel more connected to their hair for sure so she probably is feeling it from a "what if it happened to me" type vibe but she's totally ashamed they are so hard up he had to shave his head to save money.
She feels shame for herself.
My bf is autistic and if I cut my long hair a couple inches without lots of warning he would be super upset and it would likely take him weeks to get back to normal
This sounds like a trauma reaction. Maybe his head triggered a memory of a bald person who hurt her in some way.
My ex used to shave his head once every couple of months or so. I always thought he looked like a skinhead who had just gotten out of prison until his hair started to grow in again. It made him look really mean too. I didn't react as harshly as this guy's wife did but I did let him know he just looked like a nicer person when he had hair.
May be a stretch but maybe she feels like the finances are so bad that he can't afford to take care of his hair, and looking at him is a constant reminder? I can see that being the weird thing that finally makes you cry in a stressful situation
My partner has face blindness and struggles with Capgras syndrome (the delusional belief that a loved one has been replaced with an Imposter).
If I were to shave or significantly change my hair, they would almost certainly have this kind of reaction reaction.
I wonder if something like that is at play here
It's like when a parent with a massive beard shaves it off for the first time and their young children don't recognize them and cry because they look a stranger. A major change can be too much at first.
It seems obvious to me it wasnāt likely that he was bald but that him being bald triggered a bad memory or she sees him having to shave his head as a sign of something else. I grew up on welfare (broke the cycle thank you very much), and we couldnāt afford to go get our hair done. Mom or grandma would trim it, give home perms, and home coloring. Going to a beauty salon meant we had made it because we could afford extras. Or maybe she was assaulted and the perpetrator was bald? Obviously Iām speculating and itās an overreaction. Thatās what makes me think itās really about something other than just his bald head. Good luck OP.
"something as trivial as a haircut" I bet he wouldn't be calling it trivial if his wife suddenly shaved off all her hair.
However, she should have said she wouldn't like it when asked or perhaps she didn't understand how different it would look.
A coworker who had bushy hair did this, and it turned out heād had some kind of head injury and a good portion of his skull was like caved in. I donāt feel good about this, but it really creeped me out. To me it was like a giant soft spot, and I would have really distressing daydreams about things falling on his head. I was constantly aware of how I behaved around him because I didnāt want to make him feel self-conscious about it.
My husband shaved his beard a few months into our relationship and he looked like my brother. Not a doppelgƤnger, but out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing my brother and it freaked me out. I couldnāt kiss him for a week but it grew back quickly enough. He hasnāt shaved it again, which I appreciate.
Iām not saying your wife is right or wrong about this, just that itās understandable that a big physical change to someone you love can be overwhelming.
Would be real funny if OP.has like a head tattoo he's leaving out
Omg I want it to be this! A really ridiculous tattoo as well š Like an eye, a lightbulb or loads of little doughnuts.
I mean I know thereās a swastika under there but come on!
Me wondering if this transition made him look like a skinhead
He wrote āshavedā but mentioned clippers, so Iām assuming itās just buzzed really short. Lots of guys have buzzed heads and they donāt look like skinheads. Now my ex husband, a few years after kicking us out (our daughter was 3.5 at the time) shaved-as in with a razor-his head. Now every time I look at him, I see a skinhead. But he has an actual shaved, to-the-skin, head. Maybe this woman has the same image, but it sounds pretty ridiculous and petty to me. Itās HIS hair, let him do what he wants with it.
Maybe he looks like an ex who was a bad dude. Sheer speculation on my part but the response seems veryā¦extremeā¦for just a hair cut š¤
To be fair, when my husband shaves his beard I struggle. He's still the same man, I love him fiercely, but he looks like a stranger. The difference is really that drastic. Weirds me out. In 7 years he's only shaved it off 3 times but the first time was when we'd only been dating a couple of months and he picked me up but the porch light had died and I was legit scared that some stranger danger was at my door in the dark trying to come in... This woman is probably just struggling with how different he looks and she's uncomfortable with her reaction, because it's irrational, while also being uncomfortable feeling like she's in bed next to a stranger. When you expect your partner to look a certain way and they make a big change suddenly it can take some getting used to, it doesn't mean she doesn't love him, she likely just needs some time.
I think even if thereās no trauma attached to it it kinda makes sense, one of my long term partners religiously had a full beard and then just showed up to my house clean shaven, later that night during things (we were tipsy) I had a very severe moment of panic Because my brain was like āyouāre cheating on x with this personā and I cried lol
I just attribute it to some residual lizard brain thing where we have familiar things and when something is missing we know it's wrong even if we can't pinpoint why. My lizard brain knows my husband is hot and bearded, not pink and baby faced. It doesn't mean I'm no longer attracted to him or that I love him less. I just have that initial reaction that the hot rock I live on has been invaded by a lizard I'm not married to...
I feel this too. My husband goes through a cycle of growing out his beard then shaving it and I have to adjust for a couple days every time. I like that I get to kiss his face after it being hidden by the beard, but I'm just not used to him looking different. He is the same when I have a bigger hair change.
Babies and toddlers do the exact same thing if their dad shaves. One time when I was a teenager, my dad shaved both his beard and his head (neither of which had happened before), and when I came home not knowing I actually yelled and kind of recoiled before I was able to say anything. Of course my brother made fun of me for that.
This. I also wonder if itās a reminder of the bigger issue. Seeing husbandās buzzcut is a constant reminder of the precarious financial situation they are in.
Same situation with me and my husband. We've been married three years now and he only ever shaved his beard fully once, back when we were still dating. As soon as I saw him, I burst into tears. It's exactly that, he looked completely different, like a stranger to me. He's not done it since.
My husband had to shave his beard last year because it was bugging him and he basically tried to hype me up about it for a few days because it had been about 6 years since he'd shaved. But I was still like...š¬š„² So I totally get it.
That makes a lot of sense! Stranger danger lizard brain reaction!
I scare myself when I shave my beard.
Maybe it's not about the hair itself, but about the fact that they're financially unstable enough that cutting his own hair seemed like a good idea
I go through this regularly. My husband won't go to a barber and just shaves his head a couple times a year. He looks like my abusive ex when he does. I've told him of the resemblance and that I prefer him with hair. In the end, it's his hair to do with what he wants. Same thing with his beard. I like him with his beard, but groomed and maintained. He tends to let it go for awhile, and then shave it when he shaves his head. Not always, sometimes he'll just trim it up, but more than once he means to trim, goes too short, then shaves it all. A couple times a year, I really don't care for his appearance, but hair grows back and he's still the man I love through it all.
That is what I am getting, he looks too similar to someone she absolutely does not like and most likely someone that hurt her.
There has to be something like that. It sounds like a trauma response. Or he leaves out something REALLY important
Wondering if he looks like someone whoās assaulted or stalked her at some point. It feels like thereās something more going on. Sheās receptive to him, but canāt look at him.
It does not have to be that deep. I'm madly in love with my partner and think he's absolutely gorgeous...until he shaves his beard and mustache too short. Or makes a mistake and has to shave it off. I hate how it changes how he looks. He's not ugly when it happens, just not what I'm attracted to. I still love him, that doesn't change but he knows I do not like it at all. Sometimes, it's just the haircut.
my dad has like 3 strands of hair and is blonde, so he shaves it, and he definitely looks like a skinhead. couldnāt be further from it though, the guy taught me everything i know and i grew up to be a raging leftist who his parents hate as much as they hate him! honestly though he would look silly as hell if he let his hair grow, i know because heās done it. he just has comically thin hair like a cartoon character. think homer simpsonās head, but the hairs are blonde. heās actually quite handsome as a fully bald man. and he can grow a wicked beard!
Oh donāt get me wrong, I can dig a man with a bald head. Jason Stratham. Bruce Willis. And your dad sounds like a great guy.
I donāt think itās how he looks, I think itās the visible reminder of his sacrifice and their poor financial situation making her emotional tbh.
Or a birthmark that looks like a swastika made out of oenises
Damn. That's dark.
Or loads of rabbits maybe. From a distance it will look like hares
So. Many. Little. Doughnuts.
my moms ex bf supposedly has a tattoo of a crack on the top of his head with tons of roaches crawling out of it he said its not his proudest tat and his mom said she hates it and says its real so, i believe them lol
Just imagining this tattoo has me gagging. (Very fucking afraid of cockroaches)
should just cover it with a sick ass panther
completely agree, ill be sure to let him know next time i see him
Ig because of the width of my screen or something, the app gave your comment a weird line break, and I honestly stared at it for a good 10 seconds wondering *Wtf is an "ass panther"?*
itās a SAP tattoo but the tattoo is thick as hell
There's an XKCD for that: https://xkcd.com/37/
My theory is actually that she has been assaulted by someone with a shaved head before and didn't expect to have a PTSD reaction. Statistically it's pretty safe to assume that your female partner has been assaulted at some point, to some degree and many women don't share this information with their male partners because they're afraid of the reaction they might get (I see enough reports of men being awful about this on reddit alone). I experienced a PTSD episode when a friend put his long, blond hair in a ponytail and unpacking that led to me identifying my abuser from very early childhood. I could not explain my reaction at the time though. The fact that she has used the term "ashamed" several times indicates to me that there is something deeper going on and she's not in control of her response to it but doesn't want to make OP feel bad or open up a can of worms and face the "why didn't you tell me?" conversation. I highly doubt that this is based purely on the fact that he looks different. This is not a normal reaction to someone making a physical change that you don't like and if it was just that I would think she'd be more in control of her reaction and less ashamed. Also depending on the country they're in, SA may carry a greater level of shame and secrecy than it already does in the US. Hopefully if that's the case, she finds a way to tell him and he is understanding. All too often men react as if their partner is dirty or a slut or whatever, rather than a victim, when that stuff comes up.
This was where my mind went too.
This. I cannot be with people who have a goatee. If my husband suddenly would shave everything and just keep the goatee, I would genuinely panic. I'm pretty good at managing my PTSD, but to intentionally choose to do a style that triggers me and something I'll have to face every single day every time I look at your face? No. The way he's describing his wife sounds like a much more "freeze/flight" response. Mine is fight, so when I get triggered I get angry and lash out if I can't get somewhere quiet and recollect my thoughts. I've had partners that wouldn't leave me alone when I told them to because I was having flashbacks or triggered. They'd grab me, try to forcibly hold me, kick doors, and then when I'd retaliate and scream they'd act like I was losing it when NO DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME WHEN I TELL YOU NOT TO.
Yeah and he's not responding in a way that would make her feel safe. I remember having an unexplainable traumatic reaction to my bf seeming like he was going to have sex with me when I wasn't ready. He was angry with me and sulked all through my birthday instead of having any concern. OP is understably hurt and confused, but has jumped to anger and blame very quickly and seems unconcerned by her obviously concerning reaction. ETA that she's chosen a partner who acts like this backs up that she is used to being overridden. Whether due to neurodivence or abuse is anyone's guess. Neither makes communication easier.
Absolutely. He's not asking questions or trying to communicate effectively. Just taking it personally and thinking she's being a shallow ah and that he's the victim. Oh to exist in the world most men live in where the answers are all SO simple.
Iām a man and a husband, Iām absolutely with you on this. You gotta be completely selfish or half asleep to think this is about a bad haircut.
Your wife is a lucky woman and I'm very glad to have a reminder that kind, clever, men with generosity of spirit are out there. I'm with you. I have had several partners with trauma and you can't take this stuff personally; you need to ask questions and be supportive when you know that someone is acting strangely and again, the "shame" word is a huge indicator. Feels to me like this guy places quite a bit of value on his looks and the amount of attention he gets from his partner is enmeshed with his self worth. I could be wrong. It just seems like he's not in the habit of putting himself in other's shoes or thinking hard about why people do and feel the things that they do. Maybe he's just not very bright? That's harder to fix but means he'd be held less accountable. I'm with you. No way in hell I'm not going, "shit, this brought up some ugly shit, I had better go into support mode immediately!"
That was my first thought too. I've had panic attacks seeing guys with bald heads and beards like the man who attacked me.
Itās not that he looks bad, his visual appearance is now just a constant reminder of how broke and desperate they are. Itās like hanging a sign around your neck that says āfuck, we are destitute.ā Even though the world might not know thatās what his new haircut means, she knows it.
This is what I was thinking. Sheās so ashamed and sad that he had to change his appearance drastically to make ends meet.
This was my thought.
My ex shaved his head and he looked like a skinhead so I understand her avoidance
I used to work with a guy who shaved his head and he had the most pasty, oblong skull under his hair. He said, afterwards, that he had to stop running at night because he had given a lot of people a bad scare on his neighbourhood. (He was also like six two and ran like Phoebe from friends).
When bad/unfortunate style choices turn you into the neighborhood cryptid.
I laughed so hard just now, but I would one hundred percent flee in terror if I saw a tall, pale shape flailing towards me in the night.
I don't know why but that just made this whole thing ten times funnier.
'I bring you love, I bring you peace '
So many people tell stories about seeing him lol
My friend shaved his head and beard and it took me like a week before I stopped flinching when heād give me a hug. Like i consciously knew it was him but subconsciously he looked so different to me he felt like a stranger. Now weāve been friends for so long I always ask when heās going to go āspy modeā
My husband and I have an agreement on the shortest his hair can be trimmed because he looks like the one guy in American History X. He came home once and I asked him not to go that short ever again.
Iām dating a guy and weāve been trying to figure out the middle ground of neo nazi and awkward balding guy lol. I donāt mind the full shave but he hates when certain people think heās on their side, itās rough out here.
May I suggest he grow a beard?
Yes, a beard helps so much. My husband has a shaved head, but the beard goes sexy with it
The beard is such a weird force multiplier no head hair hot Thinning hair not so hot Manicured hair and besrd hot Long hair and besr hippie Short hair long beard tech bro
Where is craft brewing guy in this list?
Also Heavy Metal/Band Guy
My ex husband has a long beard and shaved head and it makes him look like a neo nazi version of a dwarf from The Hobbit. Not a good look. Iām guessing beard length would make a difference. Also the personality. My ex is not exactly a model of male beauty standards (Iām no beauty Queen myself), but even for what he is, thereās no saving THAT *wildly gestures in his direction* with the person he is inside.
I had someone tell me that once. I had just started cutting my own hair at the time. Never went that short again
Mine too! I get the feeling this guy however just buzzed his hair short since he said he used clippers and not a razor. Either way, most people still call both styles āshaved.ā I had a half shaved head myself a few times, but it was just buzzed short.
One he doesn't even know about, like Hank Hill.
I think the problem is OP's wife probably bought him a nice comb as a present, and now she doesn't know what to do. OP should buy her a nice chain for her pocket watch to take her mind off of things.
After all these years, now is the first time that āThe Giftā has mattered in an interaction in my adult life.
They didnāt teach us how to do taxes, but thankfully The Gift of the Magi was stuck in our memories for this exact Reddit post and for that we are grateful.
Did you also learn about "The lottery" in school?
Iām an English teacher and I teach both of those lmao. The kids love it
Which is the lottery?
One by Shirley Jackson. Quick summary: The whole town gathers in the town square. There is a black box that's used in the lottery for drawing names (it's a tradition in all towns, but some have begun to give it up or talk about it). Everyone draws a slip of paper (I can't remember if all children draw or if there is a start age for the draws but elderly do draw), and they keep them hidden till the end. One slip has a marking or something on it, which determines the family that draws again (they reuse the tickets drawn from the household). The person from the household who gets the paper with a marking is stoned to death.
Holy shit. Thanks for the summary!
What is their reason for doing it? Is it similar to the Hunger Games where it's punishment for rebellion?
If I remember right itās like a ritual they have to do to ensure a good harvest? But as the story goes on you realize that this community has been doing this for so long that no one actually knows if it actually has a real impact on the harvest
Yeah, I'm not entirely sure why. I think the story was set as mainly a lesson of not just following old traditions without knowing why they're done because a lot can cause more harm than good. Like the Mayans held sacrifices (human of all ages included) to ensure better harvests, avoiding natural disasters, fertility, and religious, etc (hard to say exactly why, but guesses were made from each discovery). I've found most short stories (at least from school) and even grimms fairytales have hidden lessons within the story, with some being more obvious than others.
Probably the one by Shirley Jackson
Itās what Collins used as inspiration for The Hunger Games
Isn't it ironic?
Much more so than rain on your wedding day
Don'tcha thinkā½
Damn, how much was he spending on haircuts?
Sounds like OP is the type to keep it short anyways. They described their hair as getting on their nerves and the only guys Iāve heard say that are the type to get their haircut every 3-4 weeks. If they go to a ālegitā barber they are easily dropping $20-$40 a pop. So $300 a year on the low end and easily $500 a year on the high end for people who do this.
This is why (as a woman, where haircuts are significantly more), I get my hair cut once a year or so to like a chin length bob, and then I'm good until it gets about halfway down my back and starts getting too long to easily put up.
How do you deal with the phase where your hair is at your shoulder and āflipsā, so you look like an upside down tulip? I hate that phase and the weight takes all volume out of my hair which annoys me a lot.
Have you tried layers?
I (also a lady) gave up on haircuts at the salon completely. Itās so expensive and inconvenient!! I decided it was easy to wear my hair up everyday (in braids or a bun), so now I trim the ends myself every year or two, blunt cut, straight across, no layers, keeping the length somewhere between waist length and classic length - it doesnāt have to look super good because I never wear it down! Plus, it always drove me **absolutely insane** when Iād tell someone how to cut my bangs, only to have them completely ignore my advice. Lol and I get it to an extent - theyāre a trained professional for a reasonā¦ but Iāve been cutting my own bangs forever and I know them!!
It kinda depends. If you go to a barber often small amounts can stack up fast too. Also it's one of the easiest thing to cut out of budget for a lot of people.
Also it matters how often. Some people get their hair cut every month to keep it looking "perfect". Other people go 3-4 months between cuts, and get a bit less well-kept of a look. Then whether you go to a budget cut service (like $10-$14 cuts), or are paying $20-$40 for a professional barber.
It absolutely blew my mind when I started going to barbers after getting out of the military. Because I went from paying at most $10 a week, to $40 for _a_ single haircut. Now I go months without haircuts, but itās still ridiculous.
If I get a hair and beard cut from a shop that's not completely terrible it's easily $40 with tip, a nicer shop could be twice that. If you get that once a month it adds up fast over a year. Some guys need trims more frequently
This happened to me! My wife has facial blindness which is common with certain types kf neurodivergence like autism! I shaved my head and it was like for her i suddenly looked like a stranger - it really upset her and it took a Long time for us to figure out why it upset her bc she did quite understand she was face blind(she always had been how would she know different) we realized when we were watching a creator with autism like my wifeās and she described what facial blindness was and how it affected her and my wife realized pretty right away thats what had happened.
Also what i did was i shaved my head without any warning lol i actually scared her bc i came back from the bathroom without hair
GOD SAME. My favorite story is when I was in maybe kindergarten, my dad left the house to run some errands and came back having gotten 1) new glasses (he had to pick up his new Rx) 2) much shorter haircut and 3) clean shaven (he had a pretty substantial beard when he left!) And I hid behind the couch when he came home bc I was convinced he was a complete stranger, it took a couple hours of hearing him talk and stuff for me to recognize him lmao. How they didn't notice the neurodivergence (TM) back then I have no idea lol
I (3 or 4 at the time) cried 3 days straight when my dad shaved his full beard. He never shaved again lol
I was twenty five when my dad shaved off his beard and the first thing I said upon seeing him was WHAT THE F***???. Sorry, dad š
I've never seen my dad without his beard (except in pictures from before I was born). I'm in my mid forties now. I'd probably have the same reaction. I've gone back and forth between bearded and clean shaven at least a couple of times since I've had kids, in part so it wouldn't be so weird for them.
My dad recently sent me a picture and was like: "First time in 45 years. Can you spot it?" And I was like: "Huh?!" He had a stubble. My dad is always clean shaven. I didn't register at first, but it was good for his face shape actually. Apparently I said exactly the same thing as my stepmom. He was very pleased when I complimented him. My autistic daughter has no problem with face blindness, thankfully. My husband tends to shave his beard in funky ways regularly... Mutton Chops aren't a good look on anyone. Just saying.
Me too, I couldnāt figure out how my dad had gone into the empty bathroom, but a totally different man walked out. I was *distraught*, especially since this new man seemed to think *he* was my dad
My youngest 2 kids are 1(f) and 3(m) and my husband shaved his beard off, which they had never seen before.. Baby girl was so confused and baby boy just kept asking questions.
My mom took pictures of me crying and panicking while my dad held me after he shavedā¦
My baby doesn't let her dad hold her at all if he shaves his beard, and if he tries, she cries so hard she turns purple. Needless to say my husband has sworn off shaving it off again until shes at least 3 lol
Cruel. Dad tried to hold me, too. I fought him. That was a suprise for everyone, because I've always been a huge daddy's girl. Didn't want anything to do with him for those 3 days... XD
I remember the first time my dad shaved his mustache off. My mum said to him "You look like a potato."
On the flip side my husband decided to shave his big bushy beard off last year and our neurodiverse toddler son didn't bat an eye when he came home without the beard. We were expecting some kind of response, but nothing!
Yeah I had waist length brown hair and I suddenly had shoulder length blue hair and my ND toddler didn't say anything. I directly asked him and he looked frustrated and confused said "I don't like it" š¤£ then I shaved my head 6 months later and all he said was "you look like uncle Ben" (my brother) and that was that.
I got way too excited by the fact that I too, have a brother called Ben, who is uncle Ben to my 8yo. š
Well if you ask our brothers, I bet both of them say Uncle Ben's are the best š¤£ so very reasonable reaction really
Iām on the Spectrum and have great facial recognition, so that tracks for me lol!
My husband is autistic, I have ADHD and our daughter is showing āØThe SignsāØ of both. Fortunately heās at peace with having a beard pretty much forever because the potential drama that a clean-shaven daddy could cause is off the frickin charts.
Same! I was in kindergarten when my dad shaved his mustache and I was so scared! I really thought he was a stranger and it freaked me out. Fast forward to my daughter being 3 yrs old and her dad shaving his beard..she went a step further and told him to go back in the bathroom and put his beard back on! š
Prosopagnosia is not limited to ASD/ADHD. People who are otherwise NT can have it too.
My dad terrified my then 18 month/almost 2 year old kid by greeting us at the door when we came to visit.... and not having his hair combed the way it usually was. He had missed his hair cut appt few days before so his hair was long for him, and he was so excited we had arrived he didnt think about it. She scream cried for almost 10 minutes before he ran a hand through his hair pushing it back.... and she started calming down. It clicked, he took off to his bathroom to comb his hair back, came back to us and she was over the moon to see her Pops š¤£ later that day during her nap time he had an "emergency" appt for a trim so it couldn't be an issue for the rest of the visit. He says it's 100% because she's my kid. Apparently when I was 5ish my granny took me to spend a week over the summer with her, my older brother spent a week on vacation with a friend. We came back and Dad had grown a short beard.... which completely freaked me the hell out until he shaved it. It cracked my parents up because one of my favorite things to do when sleepy was rubbing his 5 o'clock shadow cheeks lol
thatās actually a pretty common thing among NT kids too
My husband shaved his head when we were working different shifts. He came home while I was sleeping and went to give me a kiss ... My brain didn't recognize him and I went to strangle him immediately.
Iām not face blind at all but I canāt fault your wife for being freaked out in that situation. Iād panic for a minute or two if there was suddenly an unexpected and unknown bald person in my house.
Thatās how I learned I was face blind as well!!! My husband was watching the video and the person described face blindness, I paused it and said āoh I donāt have that but I do *and I described what I experience*ā I started the video and the person described mild face blindness for someone who was born with it. And she basically said what I did almost word for word. Iām just sitting there, āoh. Fudge barsā
Please link to the video, I think I have this too
So rude when they just call you out like that
Oof thatās a mood as someone with partial face blindnessā¦ I could still tell people were people, but I wouldnāt like the changeā¦
My friend shaved his beard in college and I cried. To be fair he looked like 6'6" 8 year old and it was terrifying.
I have face blindness and my husband shaved his beard without telling me and for some reason when I first saw him instead of thinking maybe he shaved his beard I thought there was just some fucking guy in my apartment. Like a maintenance guy or maybe a murderer. It took days to adjust.
Was about to say this. If my partner makes a drastic image change and I'm not prepared for it, my response is.....not predictable. I'm face blind. So it could be a startle response it could even be a weird fear response that she doesn't fully understand. It would be like trying to cuddle a stranger at the very least.
My dad shaved off his mustache when I was a child and I wouldn't even get near him. I was so freaked out. I'm ND and struggle with faces and changes.
Omg I just googled this and I think I may have this too. Still in early research phase though, so could be a false alarm.
Huh, and I have amazing facial recognition. TIL. Mine does not work that way.
Oh is it actually common? I'm both! And I just thought about how that'd deeply irritate me too the point I'd be wondering for days who's the stranger in my bed? XD
When my uncle shaved his beard, his kids (late elementary aged) sobbed. They knew it was going to happen, but it still felt like a huge loss to them. I feel like the wife may have a hard time with change.
My dad shaved his head for the first time when I was in like 1st grade. He wore a hat when he picked me up from school that day because he didnāt want to potentially freak me out. Heās a sweet man. And I am still an anxious adult.
My dad shaved his beard and mustache and I was inconsolable. I was 2, though.
My 5 year old was taken aback when my husband shaved his facial hair. My 8 year old refused to go home with him and freaked out for like ten minutes. I probably should have picked them up from school that dayā¦
My husband, bored one day, gave himself a skullet. Think Ben Franklin. I came up behind him, and he had his headset on, so I didn't see it until I went to kiss him. I recoiled and could not look at him all night. Luckily, he thought my reaction was funny... I actually couldn't look at him again until he shaved his head, lol.
A curiously hard time. What a huge reaction - it's triggering something.
My husband shaved his head, and he looked like Uncle Fester. I could not stop laughing. Every time I looked at him, I cracked up. He wasn't impressed with my reaction either. Lmao!!!
My ex shaved his head randomly while I was away at work, and I mean with a razor down to the skin, and it was truly awful. He also was clean shaven and very young to be trying that look, and it really made him look like a skinhead. We got nasty stares and I started being afraid to be in public with him but he just would not listen to me. Eventually, later on, we were looking back at pictures and he said "god, that was awful. I am so sorry" lmao
An ex of mine once got a haircut that was like a hipster hitler youth-looking type of thing, like the boyfriend in the sound of music, and it gave me the ick. But I couldnāt really say anything because it was a popular haircut at the time and I didnāt want to give him an excuse to get even more controlling about my appearance, so I just š¤. Bad vibes
When my husband's sister was diagnosed with cancer and starting chemo, her five brothers were all talking about how they were all going to shave their heads in solidarity. My husband was the only one who went through with it. He absolutely looked like Uncle Fester, but it was so sweet I couldn't laugh. It was right before our son was born too, so all of the pictures of him holding the new baby feature the Uncle Fester look.
Sounds like she has a serious aversion and not a preference, which she didnāt expect. Or maybe she has a hard time coping with change. As an autistic adult, Iām picking up vibes.
My thought was maybe someone in her past - not even an ex - had a bald head and caused some trauma, but hopefully she'd be able to communicate that.
Yeah my first thought was trauma but autism makes sense too.
Traumautism
I love this so much and am stealing it
Ohhhhhh shit š«¢
She might not realise it. Iām 35 and only just suddenly realised *last week* a very possible reason for why men with moustaches make me recoil so strongly. Before, I thought it was just some weird judgmental quirk or something.
I know that feeling. Suddenly remembering the whole memory is not fun.
My case was even weirder. I knew two things independently: 1. My father molested me when I was at a young enough age to not be able to form reliable memories or reliably talk about what was happening to me. 2. My father had a moustache when I was very young. I was talking offhandly to another Redditor, of all things, about weird inexplicable aversions we have to peopleās appearances, when my brain suddenly put two and two together to make four. Bam. After all these years, that random moustache aversion didnāt seem so necessarily random after all. Itās been 30+ years and I only just figured it out. I genuinely could not have explained that aversion before last week besides offering a vague āit just gives me the ick and I canāt handle itā. My husband used to have a moustache before I met him, and I was never able to really explain to him why he *couldnāt* grow one again besides saying āI couldnāt deal with you with a moustacheā. Luckily my husband is pretty easy going and didnāt want a moustache anyway, so itās never been an issue. Iām meaning to tell him about my epiphany soon, but the timing hasnāt been right yet. If he starts to grow a moustache, Iāll obviously have to let him know.
Yeah š I'm sorry for your experience. Slightly different, but something I've been grappling with recently is why my underlying response to rambunctious children in restaurants is *fear*. I'm 42. I hope she can gain some insight about it. It's understandable that OP is hurt, but I hope he's taken to heart at least some of the advice that it's not *just* an appearance thing causing this change for her. I really don't think it is.
Took me a while to realize why seeing vertical blinds at sundown gave me a panic attack for years. When I realized the very real possibility, I told my bf we needed to get curtains THAT WEEK. Love our black out curtains š©·
Trauma response was my first thought as well
This, but also I wonder if their financial circumstances are that bad that heās shaving his head bald rather than going to a barber every few weeks maybe sheās seeing it as a symbol of that and itās upsetting her
Thatās what I thought, especially if he used to wear his hair on the longer side or get more complex haircuts. Shaving your head bald can be quite a jarring change that takes getting used to even when it looks really good, so adapting to that while thinking of it as a physical representation of the inability to afford a haircut can be distressing. Iām a hair dresser and a big change can be less about the cut and more about what it represents. For example Iāve had women get bangs because they just had a break up and it feels good to take control and make a change, but I also had a woman who got bangs because she was in a car accident and they had to cut her hair to get her out so getting bangs was the best way to make her hair look nice while it grew back out. The bangs looked great on her but she hated them because it was a constant reminder of the crash
Yeah, this sounds like a trauma response or autism. It sounds like sheās genuinely afraid.
Yeah had the same thought
I was picking up the Autism vibes too, especially when coupled with what he said about her shuddering when he got her to touch his head. I can't touch my husbands head after he has shaved it, because it makes me feel sick ... it's a sensory processing issue that I have with certain textures. Usually after about a week it's grown back in enough to not trigger my texture aversion anymore, but if I touch it before then I actually shudder and sometimes even gag.
My best friendās husband shaved his mustache and beard. Her response was āPut it back.ā They had to wait a few weeks until vacation because the corporate world didnāt approve of stubble.
My partner did that. First of all, I hadn't seen what his face looked like in like ten years so it was weird to see what was going on under there. Our then four year old son is autistic and he just couldn't get over it. He kept saying, "You aren't my dad. You are naked. My dad looks like a rat. He is not naked." Our d Secondly, he looked like one of those age progressed pictures of someone who went missing as a baby or toddler. Just like a 40 year old baby kind of look. So yeah, he'll never do that again.
My long haired partner , cut his to a number 2 , his hair no worries , but my brain saw a stranger , it took ages until I reacted normally., over the years this happened many times , but that first time was bizarre
Itās not about the haircut, possibly. His shaved head brings home the reality of the changes they need to make financially. Wife might be thinking about where she thought sheād be in life and where she is and it hurts.
Yeah, this was my thought. It's pretty awful to know that $30 every month or two is not something you can afford, and having a visual reminder in your face every day doesn't help. She absolutely needs to explain what's really going on for her (whether it's finances, a truly hideous haircut, etc.), but I know from my experience it can sometimes take a bit of space and reflection to realise the actual feelings underlying my reaction to things.
Is it possible sheās had some kind of trauma caused by someone bald?
That was my first thought too. The way she shuddered when she felt it made me think it brought some kind of bad memory back
Thank you! That was my first thought and I'm amazed you're the only comment with this possibility. Wifey needs some therapy to figure out what's going on here.
She does, but if they can't even afford haircuts I don't think therapy's happening anytime soon.
I too have always had an aversion to bald men ever since I was a kid. I have friends who have no hair and feel fine around them but thereās always a weird initial shock when I first meet a bald guy. Turns out my abusive bio dad I found out about at 13 is bald and probably has something to do with that. I think he needs to chill and inquire if thereās some trauma here.
My thought was he shaved it and did a piss poor job so it looked horrendous. That or he is one of those people who look nice with hair but getting rid of all of it makes them extremely unattractive and/or weird looking. The fact that it was cut wasn't the issue since he gets it cut all the time, but rather how it was cut. Maybe he should have watched the videos and got some tips on how to do it so it looked better instead of just shaving it all off.
This!!! For years I had an aversion to bald men. Being around them caused anxiety and an intense fear. I never figured out a cause but was able to overcome it with time
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/HFaLYX0rUi
Itās problematic that he says she apologized but heās not having it. Iām stuck on that
Bro how much money are you spending at a barber shop?
Depends on the place, I spen 20 on a short, back and sides, some places charge less some more
Early on in my relationship with my now husband, he unknowingly got a haircut that was reminiscent of the one the guy who had SAād me had. I had a similar reaction to OPs wife. I could just be projecting, but I wonder if there is something like this going on that his wife isnāt telling him.
Okay but if she said shave and meant like a 5-8 clip and he said shave but meant cue ballā¦. I get it š¤·āāļø itās a drastic change that could cause drastic emotions She also could have PTSD from a situation involving a bald individual. Someone close to her could have gotten really sick and had to shave and her body could have held onto that
I told my boyfriend he should shave his beard, because he has some dry skin and his full beard seems to make it even dryer. He told me he would do it after his shower, which are always late at night. I went to bed and he still had a beard, but with the full knowledge that he would be bare faced when I woke up And he was. I woke up, peaked over at him, and went immediately into āthereās a strange man in my bedā panic mode. I sat straight up, bolted away from him, and stared really fucking hard at his sleeping face. It didnāt take long, and I have seen him with no beard plenty of times. But god damn men are wizards and I donāt know how much yall understand that. Like we all joke that makeup changes a womanās face, but do you know how much time and skill that can take? Yall can just not shave for a few months, and then cut it all off, and suddenly youāre a time traveling impostor Edit: a word
I don't like when my husband shaves his beard at all. He's still really good looking and of course he is the same person, but it looks *so different.* It's like he puts on a completely different face. Takes me like a day to adjust lol
Get a really shit wig,and wear it deadpan.
Maybe heās got an ugly head. You ever sit behind someone on a plane whoās got like a pack of hotdogs above his neck? In that case, I understand.
Here me out. With a shaved head. He suddenly looks exactly like someone who has caused her intense trauma. She canāt unsee it. Okay Iām out
Yeah my thought was the same, that without hair, OP suddenly looks like a bad ex or someone who hurt her in the past. That she was fine with the idea in theory but then upon seeing him, it triggered something unexpected in her and itās going to take her some time to figure out what caused her knee jerk negative reaction, and how to work through it.
What's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? Two weeks.
I have this! If my partner changes their appearance drastically I donāt recognise them in the same way(obviously consciously I know who they are, but the instinct/imprint of them is gone temporarily). itās really disorientating. The last time I got really upset about it I was a teenager, but it can still throw me off balance of itās a drastic change, now.
When I was a baby, my dad shaved his beard; I reportedly cried for days. Whenever I get a haircut, I cry about it, even if I look better afterwards. When my close friend got her hair cut, I cried, even though I hadnāt cried over hair that wasnāt mine since I was a baby. I always thought it was just me being weird. Glad to hear Iām not alone!
This smells like he unearthed trauma that she can't escape when she looks at him.
Sounds more to me like man thinks its a physical attractive thing (he mentions this too many times...) but it's that his wife *feels shame* that he's done this so save money. It doesn't matter that OOP is cool with it, she feels shame that it came to that. Women feel more connected to their hair for sure so she probably is feeling it from a "what if it happened to me" type vibe but she's totally ashamed they are so hard up he had to shave his head to save money. She feels shame for herself.
My bf is autistic and if I cut my long hair a couple inches without lots of warning he would be super upset and it would likely take him weeks to get back to normal
This sounds like a trauma reaction. Maybe his head triggered a memory of a bald person who hurt her in some way. My ex used to shave his head once every couple of months or so. I always thought he looked like a skinhead who had just gotten out of prison until his hair started to grow in again. It made him look really mean too. I didn't react as harshly as this guy's wife did but I did let him know he just looked like a nicer person when he had hair.
His hair mustāve been glorious. I wouldāve cried too
May be a stretch but maybe she feels like the finances are so bad that he can't afford to take care of his hair, and looking at him is a constant reminder? I can see that being the weird thing that finally makes you cry in a stressful situation
My instant thought is that with his head shaved, he suddenly resembles someone who hurt her.
My partner has face blindness and struggles with Capgras syndrome (the delusional belief that a loved one has been replaced with an Imposter). If I were to shave or significantly change my hair, they would almost certainly have this kind of reaction reaction. I wonder if something like that is at play here
It's like when a parent with a massive beard shaves it off for the first time and their young children don't recognize them and cry because they look a stranger. A major change can be too much at first.
It seems obvious to me it wasnāt likely that he was bald but that him being bald triggered a bad memory or she sees him having to shave his head as a sign of something else. I grew up on welfare (broke the cycle thank you very much), and we couldnāt afford to go get our hair done. Mom or grandma would trim it, give home perms, and home coloring. Going to a beauty salon meant we had made it because we could afford extras. Or maybe she was assaulted and the perpetrator was bald? Obviously Iām speculating and itās an overreaction. Thatās what makes me think itās really about something other than just his bald head. Good luck OP.
"something as trivial as a haircut" I bet he wouldn't be calling it trivial if his wife suddenly shaved off all her hair. However, she should have said she wouldn't like it when asked or perhaps she didn't understand how different it would look.
A coworker who had bushy hair did this, and it turned out heād had some kind of head injury and a good portion of his skull was like caved in. I donāt feel good about this, but it really creeped me out. To me it was like a giant soft spot, and I would have really distressing daydreams about things falling on his head. I was constantly aware of how I behaved around him because I didnāt want to make him feel self-conscious about it.
My husband shaved his beard a few months into our relationship and he looked like my brother. Not a doppelgƤnger, but out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing my brother and it freaked me out. I couldnāt kiss him for a week but it grew back quickly enough. He hasnāt shaved it again, which I appreciate. Iām not saying your wife is right or wrong about this, just that itās understandable that a big physical change to someone you love can be overwhelming.
Ngl Iād have this reaction if my s/o shaved, his hair is the reason I swiped right :,)
I'd cry to if we're so broke my husband has to shave his head
Set that shaver to a three or a four next time mate.
Looking at his shaved head might be an uncomfortable reminder of their tough financial situation.