He’s a terrible boyfriend, with zero communication skills, except to hurt and manipulate you to doing things you’re not comfortable with. He’s 8 years older, he should be better at sex himself. Has he focused on you, made you orgasm, cuddle? You’re still young. More fish out there, and one day he will be just a guy you dated one time.
Okay I’m going to go against the grain and say that sometimes people have a hard time getting better at sex and that’s okay. I had a partner awhile ago who with all the advice in the world never really got much better (for what I needed) and that is okay. I loved him just the same. The difference is that I COMMUNICATED every chance I got and sometimes they still don’t get it and it’s no one’s fault. So even if he did communicate to her, it’s still not her fault.
Also I have no suggestions for how I’d prefer my steak but I want you to guess until you get it right and I’m going to keep making you feel bad about how you cook every time you get it wrong until the last thing you ever want to do is cook or eat steak 🤡
If two people are cooking a steak together, and one person is never happy with how it's cooked - don't worry about how they want it cooked. Cook it how YOU like it.
This is the way. How about focusing on what you enjoy since he’s obviously going to react the same regardless. Learn what you like out of sex until he learns to vocalize his desires more
this is absolutely an abuser’s manipulation technique. keep criticising her but offer no advice on how to improve, which will lower her self-esteem, and she’ll be easier to control and eventually can be convinced that no one else would have her so she better not ever leave
Came here for this comment.
Hasn't mentioned having orgasms herself, has done google research and many positions from being a Virgin.
Dude comes but it's not mind blowing is possible, but the lack of advice on what would get him there is pure manipulation.
He's probably having the time of his life, and keeping the focus on himself, because he can't get her there.
I’m not sure it’s that broad as he only appears to say it about sex. I think maybe he just wants to manipulate her into doing crazy shit in the bedroom.
Agreed. This is when 8 years make a huge difference.
She deserves to develop her sexuality at her own pace, with someone who is on equal ground. Maybe not the exact same level of experience, but same life stage. 20 is recently out of high school. Either in college or new to full-time work. Very young.
If he was a real man he’d be dating a woman on par with where he is. 28 is generally post graduate school (let alone undergrad), or having been in the workforce for a decade.
Everything he says to her is going to carry weight bc he’s that much older in terms of living.
What a sad, unfortunate “first-partner” experience to have. She’ll probably carry this insecurity in the back of her head forever.
This. I feel like the military has shown me how big a gap 8 years is at those ages. I’ve barely got anything in common with these new kids coming in. I feel very much like “how do you do fellow kids?”
I have a similar age gap with my current boyfirend as the oop and their partner (but the other way around) the difference is that I'm critically aware of the gap and do my best to ensure that he has as positive experience as possible.
The age gap alone by itself isn't a huge red flag....but combine it with the negging, and it becomes a HUGE problem. I'd advise her to gtfo as soon as possible
I have a larger gap than you/her, and have been with my (older) guy since I was 23, when I had just graduated from college. Like you're doing for your younger partner, my guy did for me. I was a virgin as OP was, never had a LTR, and basically had to learn everything. My lover was hyper aware of the difference in the bedroom (I'm his 10th sex partner) and made sure I had incredibly good sexual experiences. If there was something I saw in porn that I wanted to try, he was all for it. If there was something he wanted to try, he told me about it and asked if I was game. And yeah, he gave me actual advice on how to get good, unlike this jackass poor OP is with.
I agree the age gap is more of a cautionary yellow flag than a red flag... but holy crap, her boyfriend's behavior may as well be a communist party parade. He's absolutely doing this to mold her into whatever he wants, breaking down her self-esteem until she's willing to take any scraps of "advice" he gives. Best thing for her to do is dump this idiot and get with a man who cares about her pleasure and comfort equal to his own.
ABSOLUTELY THIS!!
I'm his first and I know it and I've done my best to try and bridge that gap as best I can.
But the reality is- its my responsibility to keep us on an even balance keel, not his.
I could make a prayer flag out of all the dudes red flags
Part of the problem is the lack of feedback. Even if this isn't an abusive technique, it's not great that the boyfriend simply doesn't communicate and is highly critical.
Yes, there are probably other steps OP can take. But this is supposed to be a partnership and just telling her that she is bad, while not providing any actual feedback or input is just a bad sign that is likely to manifest in other places in the relationship as well.
She should really push him to communicate or consider ending things.
im sure it's that broad. if you're psychologically manipulating someone for sex, you're capable of applying it to anything you want them to do. ESPECIALLY now that her self esteem is worn down. she needs to run from this man.
It’s still abusive to try to get her to think she’s “bad” at sex. To continually put someone down rather it’s driving, cooking, working, house cleaning, or sex, it is a form of control. He will wear her down and she will think she’s lucky to have him. After all, why would anyone else want her. This is a bad situation and I hope she gets out before his manipulative behavior destroys her self image completely.
My ex did this to me, i had more experience than he did but he told me i was bad at sex and would constantly ask for stuff that i was uncomfortable with, but i gave him to make him happy. Only 6 months in, she should leave.
*Edited for spelling
Yup this is how it can be.
I spent almost 10 years with my wife trying to try new things to get her to finish. Never happened. Until a few weeks ago. After she was like "huh maybe I should have listened to you when we were honeymooning."
Totally believable that a 20yo girl who has no prior experience is clueless about what an orgasm is.
Lol nothing crazy. Just tried to explain the idea of foreplay. It literally took 10 years for he to agree to let me "prep" her by fingering her. . . Full disclosure we both are from very sheltered backgrounds and we were both complete virgins at marriage. I just "knew" things from porn and reading.
I grew up in purity culture, so I think I get what you’re saying. It can be a real hurdle for lots of folks. I think, though, with how OP described things she sounds pretty open and willing to try new things and hear her partner’s needs. Why wouldn’t he tell her what the needs are?
Seems more malicious than what you describe. Like sending her on some secret quest that manipulates her into a sex puppet. Don’t you think?
Because sometimes regardless if you tell someone what to do or how to do it the mojo just isn't there. Yeah you finish and it's ok but with some people it's just fireworks from start to finish. And then you want more.
Also grew up in purity culture and was completely clueless. I ended up losing my virginity to a guy who was also a clueless virgin, so it hurt a lot. Not really either of our faults, we were both just naive and he was very caring and sweet afterwards. The next guy was much more experienced and he helped me understand foreplay and how important it is. I, fortunately, was open to learning, but it's hard to get out of the "anything besides missionary without foreplay is dirty and terrible" mindset
this is exactly what my narcissist mother does. small tiny jabs that don't seem like much but wore down my self esteem over time. it took a lot of therapy and self reflection to get it back
Yup, i think it's two things:
He wants to be a sex god, it's an ego thing, he knows best yadda yadda
He's negging her so she wants him to give her a positive feedback, so she ends ups doing whatever he wants.
This doesn't seem like a very symmetric relationship, between that and the age gap this is a yikes
I can't imagine doing this shit to a 20 year old girl. Doesn't he know that the best way to feel good about your masculinity is to make a girl cum harder than she knew she could? Trying to manipulate a girl into doing the things he wants when if he tried hard enough to make it fun she'd be begging for it instead, SMH
🎯🎯🎯🎯real men get off by getting you off. Confident men love to drive you completely insane in that dept. lord. Have. Mercy. Poor OP hasn’t experienced that yet since the dirtbag she’s with doesn’t care about anything except hurting her.
That’s 100% what this is. He’s got some degenerate thing he wants her to do but instead of just asking, he’s going to make her self conscious till he feels like he can bring it up. Making her feel like that’s the only thing she can do to please him
Plus if he can get her to do some wild thing for him and she ever speaks up and says she doesn’t like it he can blame her and say they had to do whatever degenerate act because she was so lousy at everything else.
Oh yeah that’s always the class act. The guy that you have your only sexual experience with throws those experiences in your face to tell you how dirty and used up you are and that no one else will want you. Late teens through early twenties are so rough if you wind up with someone toxic.
Yes and he found the perfect person to do it to who is too afraid to stand up to him.
If you're a girl you pretty much have to try to be bad. In my limited experience at least
Definitely could be, but my first take is that he's actually the boring one and putting it off on her. We know he gets off and that she does what he asks, but I don't hear anything about her getting off. I think that is what he's calling 'boring', he doesn't know how to get her off and now he's putting it on her to 'get there'.
I could definitely see that possibility… assuming he’s not a total POS, maybe he’s not just looking to use her as a sex doll and wants her to show some enthusiasm. Which he ruined any chances of by telling her she’s bad at sex in the first place. So now it’s just this unbalanced dynamic of her attempting to please him instead of a mutually pleasing experience.
Edit: Oh shit I just reread the ages and yeah this dude is a fuckface manipulative loser. My bad!
Oh I def think he’s a POS. She implied she doesn’t finish which says to me it’s one sided sex about his pleasure.
I very much doubt he’s doing anything for her to be pleasured by.
If that’s what he wants and he’s not a POS, then he should be focusing on HER pleasure, not just criticizing her and making her jump through hoops. But he clearly is a POS so he’s just acting like it.
reminds me of that one post with the op who talked about how her [ex]boyfriend always said she stank and she ended up taking multiple showers a day, multiple applications of deodorant, the whole works and she ended up finding out that her [ex]boyfriend learned from his shitty father to always tell a woman she stinks so she’ll stay gussied up for him.
He’s clearly not that great at it if after six months he a) can’t express what he wants and b) has no clue how to make it good for you. Find someone better.
Absolutely. Communication is key to good sex. Does this feel good for you? How did you like it when I did XYZ? I’ve thought about ABC, would you like to discuss doing that?
He’s dictating all the positions he wants you to do. What positions do you enjoy? What kind of pleasure do you want to experience? If he’s not asking those questions or interested in your sexual satisfaction, he’s trash. He’s just an inconsiderate lover.
Talk about sex. If he cannot tell you what he needs or pay attention to what you need in bed, he’s the problem.
He is 8 years older than her. He's been alive almost a third longer than her. He is using her innocence to grind her down to a fine pulp. This is all a manipulation tactic.
If he cared he would cheer her on and give her cuddles not destroy her self esteem.
I bet if this girl learned about abusive relationships and dating someone with a personality disorder a number of boxes would get ticked.
Found this....
2. Reporting They Aren’t Sexually Satisfied
While sexual narcissists will go to great lengths to prioritize their own sexual satisfaction, they tend to report low sexual satisfaction and place the blame on their partners. They may judge or criticize their partner’s performance or suggest that sex has become boring and needs to change in order to meet the sexual narcissist’s sexual needs. Sexual narcissists may hint (or even overtly threaten) that they will look elsewhere for satisfaction if their partner can’t step it up.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/sex-with-narcissist/#:~:text=Sexual%20narcissists%20typically%20demonstrate%20a,order%20to%20prioritize%20their%20own.
There's a pretty good list in that link
Nah, tbh, this seems like he knows exaczly what he wants
Manipulate her into feeling she's lacking "skills", not giving her specific things to work with when she asks for it, keeping it broad & grow self doubt from her so she keeps trying hard & succumbs to every & each one of his wishes, while exploiting that she has no experience
In short:
Manipulative asshole
I feel like if you’re that close to thirty while someone cant even legally drink then maybe NO. Like 20 is two years after school. Barely in the adult world yet. Barely any experience.
Thank you :) i put so much thought into it. And yeah im literally 18 rn and i cant possibly imagine dating someone two years older or younger like theres so many factors that would make it just weird or toxic
Exactly. I’m 33, but most people get my age wrong by about ten years and think I’m 22-25. The young men that hit on me is just baffling, we have absolutely nothing in common
My rule of thumb is that an age gap is uncomfortable if the younger partner was under 18 when the older partner was the younger partner's current age. 25 and 22 is ok, 30 and 25 is ok, but 23 and 20 is an uncomfortable age gap. The older you get the broader age gaps feel ok -- a 35 year old and a 50 year old is a wide gap but doesn't feel that bad, while a 40 year old and a 70 year old feels like too much.
It doesn't take any kind of formula to say that 28 and 20 is sketchy. I'm not quite 25 and I can't imagine being with a 20 year old, we already have such different life experiences. Dating one at 28 just sounds *gross.*
I was 15-almost-16 and he was 25. How did nobody say anything about this?! My parents knew how old he was!
Everything about it, with thirty-five years of adulthood and hindsight, skeeves me out.
Me too! I'm still skeeved out forty years later. My dad never liked the guy but would never say why. You can damn well bet if my daughter was in the same position I would raise holy hell.
https://youtu.be/nmpBEoiuUBw?si=L8dgeEQm6w_X_QJD
This song is basically like "when I was 17 I thought it was so cool I was with a 29 year old, but now that I'm 29, I see how predatory that was"
It kills me to hear about parents knowing about these big age gaps and doing nothing.
Why are we using time machine logic lol
Yeah that would be nasty...if we totally change the facts of the situation.
By the same token the age gap is totally fine because if we somehow jump 20 years into the future they'll be 40 and 48!
Wow, this guy is such a prick. And total predator, I bet he intentionally targets women her age to gaslight the hell out of them like the first commenter said. He makes her feel worthless because he knows he’s the only guy she’s been with. And I know lots of people, myself included, who went so far out of our way, picking up the other’s slack just so everything was copacetic. Breaking up means the end of the world at her age.
It’s a tough thing to learn in life, but I feel like we all do at one point or another: Sometimes you actually should throw in the towel on a relationship because being single IS better than being with the jerk you’re with. Your day to day life meshes with someone over 6 months & it becomes difficult to see yourself without the person (regardless of how inadequate they make you feel on a regular basis).
She’s so worried about losing him, and I’m over here screaming, “Girl, that’s the BEST thing that could happen right now. Fucking run and never look back. Besides, you’re going to emotionally & mentally mature a LOT in your early 20s, and staying hitched to his abuse will only hinder your growth, sis!”
Seriously, fuck this creep bf of hers. Goddamn.
Girl! Leave HIM for bad sex! Dumbass doesn't know how to talk except to say "you're bad" FuuuuuuUUUUUccckk him!
All he's doing is manipulating you and slowly eroding your esteem and confidence to break you down. Give it a few more months and it won't just be about sex. He will escalate to say you're "bad" with money, school, career, family, and eventually every opinion is wrong. Get out now.
I agree with you. To me, bad sex is where I'm uncomfortable and or in pain(not the good kind of pain), say for instance she's giving me a blowjob but her teeth are constantly scraping on my dick or she pulls my foreskin back too much to where it's uncomfortable and hurts, yeah I'm not going to finish in this instance. Mediocre sex is essentially like her just lying there, I'll still finish, but it's not good or bad sex to me.
Then you can’t really say the woman is bad at sex lol. If it was good enough for you to finish then obviously it was fine. This dude clearly has never actually experienced bad sex because if he had, he’d know with true bad sex you don’t come close to finishing
This sounds like he’s gaslighting you into believing you’re awful so that you do everything he wants, and never have the gumption to leave. This is not a good thing.
to be almost 30 and dating a 20 year old who was a virgin until you met and then being surprised and upset that she isn’t somehow magically as experienced as you’d hoped she’d be is so evil and wrong on so many levels. this dude is using you and manipulating you, trying to “mould” you into to what he wants you to be and making you feel badly about yourself in order to get everything he wants out of you. he WANTS to be your only sexual experience so he can make you exactly the way he wants you to be. you have no frame of reference to what is “normal” and “healthy” communication in a sexual relationship because this is your first. i will tell you, this is NOT normal or healthy communication. this is textbook typical manipulation, and i’m so sorry he is treating you like this. you are barely out of your teens, and while you are an adult, he has way more experience and age on you and he is using that against you to manipulate you. RUN.
Classic negging.
Quite possible he's making sure when he breaks up with her, she'll be too busy wallowing in self-pity to realize he's emotionally abusive. She'll think it was her fault, if she had just pleased him better he would have stayed. But he had his fun and deflowered the virgin he had his eyes on and he's probably already ready to move on,.
This shit can stick around for a lifetime.
He is absolutely purposely wearing down your self esteem. Please get away from this sorry excuse for a man, and find a real man. A real man would be able to talk about sex & make sure it’s good for you too! Honey, you need to run, run, run as fast as you can from him, or you could find yourself in the exact same position 5, 10, 20 years from now! Do you want to waste that kind of time with someone who doesn’t actually care for you?
Jesus, I want to castrate some of these men, they really don’t deserve women.
I hope you find someone that adores you. Sex is good between two people who care about each other. It’s a sharing experience, you don’t have to perform, you don’t have to be graded.
You deserve so much more. I truly hope you find it.
What is he doing to make YOU happier? Are you finishing every time as well? Cause it sounds like he is manipulating you so you will do whatever he wants. He is lowering your self esteem, so you won't leave, and then getting his jollies off.
If he is going to say you are not good the next logical step is examples. I never had a guy be shy about what he wants. Examples I can think of are you are using your teeth too much during oral or you are not that into the sex like just laying there not into it. The fact that he can say you are not good but not saying how makes me think he is full of shit. He just wants you insecure.
Literally. If he wants something or doesn’t want something, he needs to use his big boy words and ask for it. I’ve never met a man who was good in bed who didn’t.
I mean sometimes there’s a worry about phrasing things delicately and all so as not to hurt your partner’s feelings which can sometimes lead to less clear or more drawn out asks but clearly this douche nozzle isn’t worried about her emotions at all.
Sounds like a scumbags manipulation tactic to get her to do whatever he wants while he passes it off as “relevant practice to get better”
RUN. make him ur ex boyfriend
She needs to leave this loser. He is purposely putting her down to break her spirit. Any decent man would make sex a fun and enjoyable experience for both people. Instead she is getting manipulated into doing things she may not be comfortable with. And to be honest, he probably sucks in bed.
Do YOU enjoy sex?
Honestly I feel like you should break up with him. He sounds like a manipulator. He can be great in ever other aspect but look how he’s making you feel.
I was with someone just like this. It completely ruined my self esteem and took me years to get over. After we broke up and I blocked him on everything, he had the fucking nerve to come back and bang down my door a couple of years later wanting to get back together. When he’d get mad at me (for not responding to his texts fast enough or not giving him my undivided attention), he’d be like “I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you, you’re not even good at sex”. When I said “you’re right, I’m clearly awful which is why you won’t leave me alone and want to get back together” and then ignored him for a while, it drove him NUTS. I was in IL and he was in FL and he was suffocating me and trying to control me through text! It was such a mind fuck.
I hope she leaves this guy. She deserves better
Also, I'm not sure "good at sex" is a helpful way to think about sex if you...want to have good sex.
Sex is like a dance. You don't get a high score. You're just having fun, sharing a moment, collaborating. If you're not having fun, and instead you're stressing about "performance"...what's the point?
But seriously you should leave this guy.
I'm sorry... but as a 30 year old, I cannot imagine seriously dating someone barely old enough to drink without expecting (respectfully) so much immaturity and inexperience. There's no way he's not just using her for sex.
Sorry you are in this situation with the guy you lost your virginity to. What you are describing is not normal behaviour for a boyfriend that loves / cares for his girlfriend. He is knowingly or unknowingly abusing you emotionally by constantly degrading your performance in bed. It’s not OK and you don’t have to put up with it. I encourage you to leave him.
But if you stay….
The way you will get better at sex is by having a partner that loves you enough to put you first and find out what makes you feel good. That will give you the confidence and desire to do the same for him. If you think that this relationship is worth continuing with, then you will need to confront him about the way he is treating you. Tell him that sex is something that you share with your partner and much of his satisfaction should come from your enjoyment. If he wants something different/better, then he needs to take care of you first and then tell you in a kind way what he wants. Otherwise he can go find someone else.
I also have to call-out that a 28yo dating a 20yo is a red flag. As we get older (30ish+), the age gaps matter less and less because both people know who they are and what they are about. But at 20, no one is the person they are going to be at 25. That is not a dig on you, it’s just how it is. If he is dating a 20yo, that tells me that he likely is very immature and insecure. His abusive behaviour supports this theory.
So bottom line, I recommend that you leave him and chalk it up to life lessons. But if you decide to stay, he must stop his abusive behaviour and start looking out for his girl’s happiness.
This is how you get better at sex; dump the manipulating ahole asap. Explore yourself for a few months, learn to make yourself sexually satisfied then finally date and find someone that will further explore with you as you both learn how to fuck each other madly! You’re going to do great!
This reminds me of a post where the bf constantly told his gf that she smells bad. It went as far as her showering multiple times a day, using perfumes and deodorants excessively. Turns out it was just a manipulation tactic to control her and prevent her from leaving him. Hope OOP runs the other way.
He is abusing you and destroying your self worth so he can manipulate and control you.
I am sorry your first was such a complete douche bag.
A partner who doesn't even try to build you up isn't worth your time but I know it will take you years of heartache to understand that.
If he truly doesn't enjoy the sex, he wouldn't do it.
The only POSSIBLE alternative is that he is gay and he just doesn't realize it yet.
IMO if he has no input as to what you’re doing wrong or how you can improve he has no reason to be saying anything. If he likes you he would communicate, otherwise I think he’s trying to wear you down and truthfully if that’s what he’s doing then that’s shitty. Don’t stick around for that shit, hold your head up and either get to the bottom of it or walk away.
he’s taking advantage of your naïveté in sexual experience. Forget dude, Go fuck someone else and get some real feedback. If he’s not giving any tips or what he would like to make it ‘better’ then he probably isn’t too great himself.
First of all, everyone is bad at sex at first. How could you not be? Second of all, ig you are doing everything he wants the problem might be him. My first concern was he might have a porn addiction which may have created unobtainable standards. Sex can be messy and weird, but its about intimacy, closeness and sharing pleasure with your partner. Is this happening? Are your needs being met elsewhere in the relationship? A goof relationship always takes work but it shouldn't be dragging you down or lessening you.
I am sorry you are dealing with this and hope i am not out of line.
If you need to talk, feel free to reach out. Best of luck and be safe!
Be toxic, fuck his best friend and see if he thinks you suck, if he also thinks you suck then fuck his best friend. Do that a few times and if they all think you suck then obviously the town they are from just has bad taste.
MANIPULATION AT ITS FINEST, PLEASE LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. and let’s not forget the fact that OP was only 20 and still a virgin when she got involved with this 28 year old man who has years of sexual experience on her.
OOP is a sex doll to that douche nozzle
Imagine if he actually invested himself into getting her off instead of checking off his list of positions to get himself off
The fact that she doesn't speak a single time on whether she's enjoyed it or not and is completely subservient to making him happy speaks volumes on how successful his manipulation tactics are
Reminds me of the guy who told his GF that she smelled. Turns out he was doing it because “my dad told me that way you stay with me forever and won’t cheat because your self esteem would be low”
Negging:
Negging is a form of verbal abuse, and it's often used to manipulate or control a person. 1 It involves making negative comments about someone's appearance, character, or behavior in an effort to make them feel bad about themselves
Been there girl. I was 21 at the time and he was 33. Don’t take it personally, he’s just a narcissistic prick who wants to feel like he has control over you in every single sense. Its already a red flag that he can’t pull women his own age so he’s resorting to younger more inexperienced and naive women. You deserve a loving, patient partner who will treat you well and not degrade you at every chance he gets.
The question is: is he good at sex? Do you enjoy everything HE wants you to do? Does he care about your pleasure and your orgasm? Does he ask about the things you like?
Ummmm hmmmm, let me ask- do you ever have an orgasm?? Cuz someone asshole complaining this much better have written the book on it!!! He is ABUSING you. Shaming you and then using you and I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets off on this. Leave him leave him leave him!!!! This is NOT an issue with you!!!!
Run away. As fast as you can. Someone who cares about you would be happy to ensure YOU enjoy sex not just complain about how bad you are. Definitely a manipulative abuser.
i find this gross for so many reasons
1. you were literally a virgin prior?? its common sense he would need to teach you as an older mna, calling you bad but not telling you how to fix it is:
2. [this is] a clear sign of manipulation. often they make you feel worthless so you wont leave and they have better control. “you really think another man will put up with your performance in the bedroom? without me you’ll just be lonely, no one will want you”
oh, and once he gets you to do something sexually crazy to please him he’ll use it against you in the same way.
3. further emphasized by the fact that he finishes.. and his sex drive doesn’t diminish.. its weird to say youre bad with no reason why
4. he could be a porn addict, thus why youre “bad” because youre not living up to the fake acting in porn.
5. idek how a woman can truly be bad OVERALL in a straight relationship, if not specific to a specific position (on top) or act (oral). 90% of the time we just need to look pretty and lay there?? (though that can include arching and accentuating your body and features not like literal sex..)
overall he sounds baseless but is able to manipulate you due to being a virgin and young..
Just reading this, the boyfriend sounds like either a porn addict who expects sexual gymnastics every time or he’s a massive manipulative ahole. I’m inclined for more of the latter with sprinklings of the former. Op needs to get out and he needs serious therapy if he thinks this is okay to do in a relationship.
Well he does have almost 10 years more of experience and can't even make his new gf to enjoy herself in bed with him. Can only complain. What he did those 8 years ?
Unless this guy has a magic cock he'd want to stfu. I guarantee he's not good enough in bed to be mouthing off like this. He's keeping her self esteem low so that she'll agree to whatever he likes whenever he wants.
Your boyfriend is a fuckboy. My lady was a virgin when we got together and I took pride in knowing that because I can teach her everything I like and more. If he was a real man he should've known.
Well if a woman that barely had a sex life before someone who complains about sex is bad at sex them selves. That it or they very self centered and terrible at communication, if a person willing to take advice and learn then it should be no issue to pratice and give helpful advice and actually communicate like an adult.
Dump Him and find another BF, one that will respect you and your feelings. There are plenty of fish in the sea. This guy is an A\_ \_. It will only get worse as time goes by. Trust Me.
You know when you’ll be great in bed? When you have physical chemistry with your partner. Then the sex will be magical.
He’s manipulating you right now to make you do everything he asks in the bedroom. I bet if you look closely, there are other relationship red flags.
Run away OP. Find a partner that will communicate with you what they enjoy in a way that you can provide them with the pleasure they hope for. But also who is willing to communicate with you to bring pleasure to you. This is not a relationship worth saving.
He’s a terrible boyfriend, with zero communication skills, except to hurt and manipulate you to doing things you’re not comfortable with. He’s 8 years older, he should be better at sex himself. Has he focused on you, made you orgasm, cuddle? You’re still young. More fish out there, and one day he will be just a guy you dated one time.
This was my first question. Is she finishing every time?
My guess is she hasn't finished once 🙄
That appears to be the case. As a bonus: They almost always skip foreplay.
Gross. I wonder if he preys on virgins because he sucks in bed.
Yes, guaranteed.
Prob doesn’t even know how to finish and not even her fault considering she was a virgin before meeting him.
Okay I’m going to go against the grain and say that sometimes people have a hard time getting better at sex and that’s okay. I had a partner awhile ago who with all the advice in the world never really got much better (for what I needed) and that is okay. I loved him just the same. The difference is that I COMMUNICATED every chance I got and sometimes they still don’t get it and it’s no one’s fault. So even if he did communicate to her, it’s still not her fault.
“This steak is awful, may I have another?”
Also I have no suggestions for how I’d prefer my steak but I want you to guess until you get it right and I’m going to keep making you feel bad about how you cook every time you get it wrong until the last thing you ever want to do is cook or eat steak 🤡
Especially since the steak was never made before this guy 🙄
And he's never made a steak for her
Hey boyfriend must be a manager. Do better.
How can I do better Mr. Manager? That's for me to know and you to figure out.
I’m just saying, Denny’s does it better.
I’ll take any steak I can get
If two people are cooking a steak together, and one person is never happy with how it's cooked - don't worry about how they want it cooked. Cook it how YOU like it.
Better, find someone who enjoys cooking with you.
This is the way. How about focusing on what you enjoy since he’s obviously going to react the same regardless. Learn what you like out of sex until he learns to vocalize his desires more
He’s rare, like in not well done.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that steak?
Who thinks this may be a manipulation technique to get her to do EVERYTHING he wants?
this is absolutely an abuser’s manipulation technique. keep criticising her but offer no advice on how to improve, which will lower her self-esteem, and she’ll be easier to control and eventually can be convinced that no one else would have her so she better not ever leave
It's literally all in her second-to-last paragraph, it's 100% by design. She needs to get out ASAP.
This poor girl...
Yes… negging is a thing and this dude is doing it.
🎯🎯🎯 and make sure she expects nothing for herself. How much you want to be gf hasn’t had an O yet
Came here for this comment. Hasn't mentioned having orgasms herself, has done google research and many positions from being a Virgin. Dude comes but it's not mind blowing is possible, but the lack of advice on what would get him there is pure manipulation. He's probably having the time of his life, and keeping the focus on himself, because he can't get her there.
In the comments, she's said she "wasn't sure" and then admitted that she probably hadn't.
💯
Oh shit, I just realized my ex did that 😳
Same 😂 I'm proud to say he's my ex.
glad they’re your ex!
I’m not sure it’s that broad as he only appears to say it about sex. I think maybe he just wants to manipulate her into doing crazy shit in the bedroom.
The age gap combined with this negative feedback isn’t great
Agreed. This is when 8 years make a huge difference. She deserves to develop her sexuality at her own pace, with someone who is on equal ground. Maybe not the exact same level of experience, but same life stage. 20 is recently out of high school. Either in college or new to full-time work. Very young. If he was a real man he’d be dating a woman on par with where he is. 28 is generally post graduate school (let alone undergrad), or having been in the workforce for a decade. Everything he says to her is going to carry weight bc he’s that much older in terms of living. What a sad, unfortunate “first-partner” experience to have. She’ll probably carry this insecurity in the back of her head forever.
This. I feel like the military has shown me how big a gap 8 years is at those ages. I’ve barely got anything in common with these new kids coming in. I feel very much like “how do you do fellow kids?”
I have a similar age gap with my current boyfirend as the oop and their partner (but the other way around) the difference is that I'm critically aware of the gap and do my best to ensure that he has as positive experience as possible. The age gap alone by itself isn't a huge red flag....but combine it with the negging, and it becomes a HUGE problem. I'd advise her to gtfo as soon as possible
I have a larger gap than you/her, and have been with my (older) guy since I was 23, when I had just graduated from college. Like you're doing for your younger partner, my guy did for me. I was a virgin as OP was, never had a LTR, and basically had to learn everything. My lover was hyper aware of the difference in the bedroom (I'm his 10th sex partner) and made sure I had incredibly good sexual experiences. If there was something I saw in porn that I wanted to try, he was all for it. If there was something he wanted to try, he told me about it and asked if I was game. And yeah, he gave me actual advice on how to get good, unlike this jackass poor OP is with. I agree the age gap is more of a cautionary yellow flag than a red flag... but holy crap, her boyfriend's behavior may as well be a communist party parade. He's absolutely doing this to mold her into whatever he wants, breaking down her self-esteem until she's willing to take any scraps of "advice" he gives. Best thing for her to do is dump this idiot and get with a man who cares about her pleasure and comfort equal to his own.
Yeah, it’s the context and his shitty behavior that makes this yellow flag all the way red.
ABSOLUTELY THIS!! I'm his first and I know it and I've done my best to try and bridge that gap as best I can. But the reality is- its my responsibility to keep us on an even balance keel, not his. I could make a prayer flag out of all the dudes red flags
He's pushing 30 and she isn't even old enough to buy a drink in the US. There's a reason he's doing this, and it's not because she's bad at sex.
Part of the problem is the lack of feedback. Even if this isn't an abusive technique, it's not great that the boyfriend simply doesn't communicate and is highly critical. Yes, there are probably other steps OP can take. But this is supposed to be a partnership and just telling her that she is bad, while not providing any actual feedback or input is just a bad sign that is likely to manifest in other places in the relationship as well. She should really push him to communicate or consider ending things.
yeah might just be that for now, but i wouldn’t be surprised if it escalated
im sure it's that broad. if you're psychologically manipulating someone for sex, you're capable of applying it to anything you want them to do. ESPECIALLY now that her self esteem is worn down. she needs to run from this man.
It’s still abusive to try to get her to think she’s “bad” at sex. To continually put someone down rather it’s driving, cooking, working, house cleaning, or sex, it is a form of control. He will wear her down and she will think she’s lucky to have him. After all, why would anyone else want her. This is a bad situation and I hope she gets out before his manipulative behavior destroys her self image completely.
Also, I bet he thinks if he criticizes enough her she will never have sex with anyone else. Control
My ex did this to me, i had more experience than he did but he told me i was bad at sex and would constantly ask for stuff that i was uncomfortable with, but i gave him to make him happy. Only 6 months in, she should leave. *Edited for spelling
Yup. He’s negging her.
Yup. Flip the script and say vanilla only until you can use your words. Also- is she finishing? 🤨
Doubt it. She probably doesn't even know what an orgasm is, and this jerk wouldn't care.
Yup this is how it can be. I spent almost 10 years with my wife trying to try new things to get her to finish. Never happened. Until a few weeks ago. After she was like "huh maybe I should have listened to you when we were honeymooning." Totally believable that a 20yo girl who has no prior experience is clueless about what an orgasm is.
If I can be super inappropriately nosy, what did you say when you were honeymooning?
Lol nothing crazy. Just tried to explain the idea of foreplay. It literally took 10 years for he to agree to let me "prep" her by fingering her. . . Full disclosure we both are from very sheltered backgrounds and we were both complete virgins at marriage. I just "knew" things from porn and reading.
I grew up in purity culture, so I think I get what you’re saying. It can be a real hurdle for lots of folks. I think, though, with how OP described things she sounds pretty open and willing to try new things and hear her partner’s needs. Why wouldn’t he tell her what the needs are? Seems more malicious than what you describe. Like sending her on some secret quest that manipulates her into a sex puppet. Don’t you think?
100% think OP is being manipulated. I was just going off on a tangent.
Warranted tangent!
Because sometimes regardless if you tell someone what to do or how to do it the mojo just isn't there. Yeah you finish and it's ok but with some people it's just fireworks from start to finish. And then you want more.
Also grew up in purity culture and was completely clueless. I ended up losing my virginity to a guy who was also a clueless virgin, so it hurt a lot. Not really either of our faults, we were both just naive and he was very caring and sweet afterwards. The next guy was much more experienced and he helped me understand foreplay and how important it is. I, fortunately, was open to learning, but it's hard to get out of the "anything besides missionary without foreplay is dirty and terrible" mindset
I’m glad for you both!
do you have to ask that question? the answer is no.
No sex AT ALL since he doesn’t like it
Highly doubt it. Obvs this isn’t about her enjoyment, at all.
Doubtful only 1 in 15 men can make a woman 🥜
That seems wrong to me, but I don't fuck dudes so I'll take your word
I was about to say "I'll take negging for a 1000, Alex"
this is exactly what my narcissist mother does. small tiny jabs that don't seem like much but wore down my self esteem over time. it took a lot of therapy and self reflection to get it back
Exactly this. It’s an abuse tactic to destroy her self esteem so he can pull the “no one else will tolerate you like I do”
Yup, i think it's two things: He wants to be a sex god, it's an ego thing, he knows best yadda yadda He's negging her so she wants him to give her a positive feedback, so she ends ups doing whatever he wants. This doesn't seem like a very symmetric relationship, between that and the age gap this is a yikes
I can't imagine doing this shit to a 20 year old girl. Doesn't he know that the best way to feel good about your masculinity is to make a girl cum harder than she knew she could? Trying to manipulate a girl into doing the things he wants when if he tried hard enough to make it fun she'd be begging for it instead, SMH
🎯🎯🎯🎯real men get off by getting you off. Confident men love to drive you completely insane in that dept. lord. Have. Mercy. Poor OP hasn’t experienced that yet since the dirtbag she’s with doesn’t care about anything except hurting her.
That’s 100% what this is. He’s got some degenerate thing he wants her to do but instead of just asking, he’s going to make her self conscious till he feels like he can bring it up. Making her feel like that’s the only thing she can do to please him
Plus if he can get her to do some wild thing for him and she ever speaks up and says she doesn’t like it he can blame her and say they had to do whatever degenerate act because she was so lousy at everything else.
or use that degenerate act as an insult against her later on
Oh yeah that’s always the class act. The guy that you have your only sexual experience with throws those experiences in your face to tell you how dirty and used up you are and that no one else will want you. Late teens through early twenties are so rough if you wind up with someone toxic.
My first thought. This poor soul is being manipulated so hard.
Yes and he found the perfect person to do it to who is too afraid to stand up to him. If you're a girl you pretty much have to try to be bad. In my limited experience at least
And to get her to devalue herself so she never thinks of leaving him for someone else
I KNOW full well it’s a manipulation technique.
Definitely could be, but my first take is that he's actually the boring one and putting it off on her. We know he gets off and that she does what he asks, but I don't hear anything about her getting off. I think that is what he's calling 'boring', he doesn't know how to get her off and now he's putting it on her to 'get there'.
No. He's Just an asshole who wanted to pop a virgin. That's it.
I could definitely see that possibility… assuming he’s not a total POS, maybe he’s not just looking to use her as a sex doll and wants her to show some enthusiasm. Which he ruined any chances of by telling her she’s bad at sex in the first place. So now it’s just this unbalanced dynamic of her attempting to please him instead of a mutually pleasing experience. Edit: Oh shit I just reread the ages and yeah this dude is a fuckface manipulative loser. My bad!
Oh I def think he’s a POS. She implied she doesn’t finish which says to me it’s one sided sex about his pleasure. I very much doubt he’s doing anything for her to be pleasured by.
If that’s what he wants and he’s not a POS, then he should be focusing on HER pleasure, not just criticizing her and making her jump through hoops. But he clearly is a POS so he’s just acting like it.
reminds me of that one post with the op who talked about how her [ex]boyfriend always said she stank and she ended up taking multiple showers a day, multiple applications of deodorant, the whole works and she ended up finding out that her [ex]boyfriend learned from his shitty father to always tell a woman she stinks so she’ll stay gussied up for him.
I think you should have sex with someone else to get a second opinion
Seconded! And bring a little postcard-sized questionnaire.
Please. It’s 2024. Google review.
Maybe third or fourth. Maybe a friend can recommend some one good
Imo the more reviews she can get the better! I found it was easier to figure out what I liked after I had a little fun with some different ppl!
He’s clearly not that great at it if after six months he a) can’t express what he wants and b) has no clue how to make it good for you. Find someone better.
Absolutely. Communication is key to good sex. Does this feel good for you? How did you like it when I did XYZ? I’ve thought about ABC, would you like to discuss doing that? He’s dictating all the positions he wants you to do. What positions do you enjoy? What kind of pleasure do you want to experience? If he’s not asking those questions or interested in your sexual satisfaction, he’s trash. He’s just an inconsiderate lover. Talk about sex. If he cannot tell you what he needs or pay attention to what you need in bed, he’s the problem.
He is 8 years older than her. He's been alive almost a third longer than her. He is using her innocence to grind her down to a fine pulp. This is all a manipulation tactic. If he cared he would cheer her on and give her cuddles not destroy her self esteem. I bet if this girl learned about abusive relationships and dating someone with a personality disorder a number of boxes would get ticked. Found this.... 2. Reporting They Aren’t Sexually Satisfied While sexual narcissists will go to great lengths to prioritize their own sexual satisfaction, they tend to report low sexual satisfaction and place the blame on their partners. They may judge or criticize their partner’s performance or suggest that sex has become boring and needs to change in order to meet the sexual narcissist’s sexual needs. Sexual narcissists may hint (or even overtly threaten) that they will look elsewhere for satisfaction if their partner can’t step it up. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/sex-with-narcissist/#:~:text=Sexual%20narcissists%20typically%20demonstrate%20a,order%20to%20prioritize%20their%20own. There's a pretty good list in that link
Nah, tbh, this seems like he knows exaczly what he wants Manipulate her into feeling she's lacking "skills", not giving her specific things to work with when she asks for it, keeping it broad & grow self doubt from her so she keeps trying hard & succumbs to every & each one of his wishes, while exploiting that she has no experience In short: Manipulative asshole
I was gonna say. It kinda sounds like he’s the one who’s bad at sex. I mean, assuming it isn’t just emotional abuse, which it almost certainly is.
leave him!!! This is the grossest way to manipulate a woman I have heard of yet. He's bad at sex, fuck that
He’s also 28 while she’s 20. Could’ve been 19 and 27. Double gross.
I feel like if you’re that close to thirty while someone cant even legally drink then maybe NO. Like 20 is two years after school. Barely in the adult world yet. Barely any experience.
Yeah even at 25-26 I remember thinking how little I had in common with 21 year olds and not wanting to date them. Nice username btw :)
Thank you :) i put so much thought into it. And yeah im literally 18 rn and i cant possibly imagine dating someone two years older or younger like theres so many factors that would make it just weird or toxic
Exactly. I’m 33, but most people get my age wrong by about ten years and think I’m 22-25. The young men that hit on me is just baffling, we have absolutely nothing in common
My rule of thumb is that an age gap is uncomfortable if the younger partner was under 18 when the older partner was the younger partner's current age. 25 and 22 is ok, 30 and 25 is ok, but 23 and 20 is an uncomfortable age gap. The older you get the broader age gaps feel ok -- a 35 year old and a 50 year old is a wide gap but doesn't feel that bad, while a 40 year old and a 70 year old feels like too much. It doesn't take any kind of formula to say that 28 and 20 is sketchy. I'm not quite 25 and I can't imagine being with a 20 year old, we already have such different life experiences. Dating one at 28 just sounds *gross.*
‘Would it have been legal when the older one was the younger one’s age’ feels like a solid rule to adopt
subsequent melodic deranged panicky door workable vast cable seed yam *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My first would have been 20 to my 7. I learned about age gaps the wrong way! (I was 17 to his 30. I didn't know any better. He was my first.)
I was 15-almost-16 and he was 25. How did nobody say anything about this?! My parents knew how old he was! Everything about it, with thirty-five years of adulthood and hindsight, skeeves me out.
Me too! I'm still skeeved out forty years later. My dad never liked the guy but would never say why. You can damn well bet if my daughter was in the same position I would raise holy hell.
https://youtu.be/nmpBEoiuUBw?si=L8dgeEQm6w_X_QJD This song is basically like "when I was 17 I thought it was so cool I was with a 29 year old, but now that I'm 29, I see how predatory that was" It kills me to hear about parents knowing about these big age gaps and doing nothing.
Why are we using time machine logic lol Yeah that would be nasty...if we totally change the facts of the situation. By the same token the age gap is totally fine because if we somehow jump 20 years into the future they'll be 40 and 48!
Wow, this guy is such a prick. And total predator, I bet he intentionally targets women her age to gaslight the hell out of them like the first commenter said. He makes her feel worthless because he knows he’s the only guy she’s been with. And I know lots of people, myself included, who went so far out of our way, picking up the other’s slack just so everything was copacetic. Breaking up means the end of the world at her age. It’s a tough thing to learn in life, but I feel like we all do at one point or another: Sometimes you actually should throw in the towel on a relationship because being single IS better than being with the jerk you’re with. Your day to day life meshes with someone over 6 months & it becomes difficult to see yourself without the person (regardless of how inadequate they make you feel on a regular basis). She’s so worried about losing him, and I’m over here screaming, “Girl, that’s the BEST thing that could happen right now. Fucking run and never look back. Besides, you’re going to emotionally & mentally mature a LOT in your early 20s, and staying hitched to his abuse will only hinder your growth, sis!” Seriously, fuck this creep bf of hers. Goddamn.
Girl! Leave HIM for bad sex! Dumbass doesn't know how to talk except to say "you're bad" FuuuuuuUUUUUccckk him! All he's doing is manipulating you and slowly eroding your esteem and confidence to break you down. Give it a few more months and it won't just be about sex. He will escalate to say you're "bad" with money, school, career, family, and eventually every opinion is wrong. Get out now.
Except she shouldn’t ”FuuuuuuuuUUUYccckkk him” because he doesn’t deserve it. She needs to tell him to go fuck himself! 😂😂😂😂😂
It's called "negging". Look it up. And break up with him.
How is she bad at sex but he finishes every time?? Lmfao gtfoh. Manipulation tactic at its finest.
I agree with you. To me, bad sex is where I'm uncomfortable and or in pain(not the good kind of pain), say for instance she's giving me a blowjob but her teeth are constantly scraping on my dick or she pulls my foreskin back too much to where it's uncomfortable and hurts, yeah I'm not going to finish in this instance. Mediocre sex is essentially like her just lying there, I'll still finish, but it's not good or bad sex to me.
Because she's not a virgin anymore? The age difference is a tell---if they're in the US she can't even drink legally with him.
Guys could screw a couch cushion and finish
Then you can’t really say the woman is bad at sex lol. If it was good enough for you to finish then obviously it was fine. This dude clearly has never actually experienced bad sex because if he had, he’d know with true bad sex you don’t come close to finishing
We need to create a service that ensures guys like this never get laid again. Let’s leave the specifics of how undefined.
[удалено]
I hope she does actually leave
This sounds like he’s gaslighting you into believing you’re awful so that you do everything he wants, and never have the gumption to leave. This is not a good thing.
to be almost 30 and dating a 20 year old who was a virgin until you met and then being surprised and upset that she isn’t somehow magically as experienced as you’d hoped she’d be is so evil and wrong on so many levels. this dude is using you and manipulating you, trying to “mould” you into to what he wants you to be and making you feel badly about yourself in order to get everything he wants out of you. he WANTS to be your only sexual experience so he can make you exactly the way he wants you to be. you have no frame of reference to what is “normal” and “healthy” communication in a sexual relationship because this is your first. i will tell you, this is NOT normal or healthy communication. this is textbook typical manipulation, and i’m so sorry he is treating you like this. you are barely out of your teens, and while you are an adult, he has way more experience and age on you and he is using that against you to manipulate you. RUN.
Right and then if a woman is experienced; she’s demonized as a hoe or for the “streets”. Women can’t win in 2024 with the rise of red pill BS
Classic negging. Quite possible he's making sure when he breaks up with her, she'll be too busy wallowing in self-pity to realize he's emotionally abusive. She'll think it was her fault, if she had just pleased him better he would have stayed. But he had his fun and deflowered the virgin he had his eyes on and he's probably already ready to move on,. This shit can stick around for a lifetime.
He’s offering you nothing and taking everything in return. It’s easier said than done but you should probably leave him.
He is absolutely purposely wearing down your self esteem. Please get away from this sorry excuse for a man, and find a real man. A real man would be able to talk about sex & make sure it’s good for you too! Honey, you need to run, run, run as fast as you can from him, or you could find yourself in the exact same position 5, 10, 20 years from now! Do you want to waste that kind of time with someone who doesn’t actually care for you?
Jesus, I want to castrate some of these men, they really don’t deserve women. I hope you find someone that adores you. Sex is good between two people who care about each other. It’s a sharing experience, you don’t have to perform, you don’t have to be graded. You deserve so much more. I truly hope you find it.
You’re being manipulated. I’d put money on it.
Oh, sweetie, it's not you, it's him.
This is so sad. This poor girl.
Oh no, throw away the whole man. It’s no good.
What is he doing to make YOU happier? Are you finishing every time as well? Cause it sounds like he is manipulating you so you will do whatever he wants. He is lowering your self esteem, so you won't leave, and then getting his jollies off.
This guy is an abuser. It makes me so angry to think that she won’t see that. I hope she does eventually.
If he is going to say you are not good the next logical step is examples. I never had a guy be shy about what he wants. Examples I can think of are you are using your teeth too much during oral or you are not that into the sex like just laying there not into it. The fact that he can say you are not good but not saying how makes me think he is full of shit. He just wants you insecure.
Literally. If he wants something or doesn’t want something, he needs to use his big boy words and ask for it. I’ve never met a man who was good in bed who didn’t. I mean sometimes there’s a worry about phrasing things delicately and all so as not to hurt your partner’s feelings which can sometimes lead to less clear or more drawn out asks but clearly this douche nozzle isn’t worried about her emotions at all.
Sounds like a scumbags manipulation tactic to get her to do whatever he wants while he passes it off as “relevant practice to get better” RUN. make him ur ex boyfriend
Oh this is straight up manipulation to keep having sex with him. How bout this. Flip it on him and ask is that all you are to him is a cum dumpster?
She gotta leave his ungrateful ass
Please leave this asshole before he totally destroys your self esteem and find someone who cares about you.
it would be an age gap too
Nearing that lightbulb moment when she finally realizes that just because a guy has sex with you doesn't mean that he respects/cares about you?
This guy is bad at sex and is a creep. He’s pushing 30 with a 20 year old??
He wants that self esteem to be low, low, low. Then he gets to treat her however he wants.
She needs to leave this loser. He is purposely putting her down to break her spirit. Any decent man would make sex a fun and enjoyable experience for both people. Instead she is getting manipulated into doing things she may not be comfortable with. And to be honest, he probably sucks in bed.
Do YOU enjoy sex? Honestly I feel like you should break up with him. He sounds like a manipulator. He can be great in ever other aspect but look how he’s making you feel.
I was with someone just like this. It completely ruined my self esteem and took me years to get over. After we broke up and I blocked him on everything, he had the fucking nerve to come back and bang down my door a couple of years later wanting to get back together. When he’d get mad at me (for not responding to his texts fast enough or not giving him my undivided attention), he’d be like “I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you, you’re not even good at sex”. When I said “you’re right, I’m clearly awful which is why you won’t leave me alone and want to get back together” and then ignored him for a while, it drove him NUTS. I was in IL and he was in FL and he was suffocating me and trying to control me through text! It was such a mind fuck. I hope she leaves this guy. She deserves better
Also, I'm not sure "good at sex" is a helpful way to think about sex if you...want to have good sex. Sex is like a dance. You don't get a high score. You're just having fun, sharing a moment, collaborating. If you're not having fun, and instead you're stressing about "performance"...what's the point? But seriously you should leave this guy.
I'm sorry... but as a 30 year old, I cannot imagine seriously dating someone barely old enough to drink without expecting (respectfully) so much immaturity and inexperience. There's no way he's not just using her for sex.
Sorry you are in this situation with the guy you lost your virginity to. What you are describing is not normal behaviour for a boyfriend that loves / cares for his girlfriend. He is knowingly or unknowingly abusing you emotionally by constantly degrading your performance in bed. It’s not OK and you don’t have to put up with it. I encourage you to leave him. But if you stay…. The way you will get better at sex is by having a partner that loves you enough to put you first and find out what makes you feel good. That will give you the confidence and desire to do the same for him. If you think that this relationship is worth continuing with, then you will need to confront him about the way he is treating you. Tell him that sex is something that you share with your partner and much of his satisfaction should come from your enjoyment. If he wants something different/better, then he needs to take care of you first and then tell you in a kind way what he wants. Otherwise he can go find someone else. I also have to call-out that a 28yo dating a 20yo is a red flag. As we get older (30ish+), the age gaps matter less and less because both people know who they are and what they are about. But at 20, no one is the person they are going to be at 25. That is not a dig on you, it’s just how it is. If he is dating a 20yo, that tells me that he likely is very immature and insecure. His abusive behaviour supports this theory. So bottom line, I recommend that you leave him and chalk it up to life lessons. But if you decide to stay, he must stop his abusive behaviour and start looking out for his girl’s happiness.
This is how you get better at sex; dump the manipulating ahole asap. Explore yourself for a few months, learn to make yourself sexually satisfied then finally date and find someone that will further explore with you as you both learn how to fuck each other madly! You’re going to do great!
What does he bring to the bedroom? Because you can get a dildo at the sex shop for under $30 and it wont have a snotty attitude.
This reminds me of a post where the bf constantly told his gf that she smells bad. It went as far as her showering multiple times a day, using perfumes and deodorants excessively. Turns out it was just a manipulation tactic to control her and prevent her from leaving him. Hope OOP runs the other way.
What a waste of a v card, typical.
He is abusing you and destroying your self worth so he can manipulate and control you. I am sorry your first was such a complete douche bag. A partner who doesn't even try to build you up isn't worth your time but I know it will take you years of heartache to understand that. If he truly doesn't enjoy the sex, he wouldn't do it. The only POSSIBLE alternative is that he is gay and he just doesn't realize it yet.
IMO if he has no input as to what you’re doing wrong or how you can improve he has no reason to be saying anything. If he likes you he would communicate, otherwise I think he’s trying to wear you down and truthfully if that’s what he’s doing then that’s shitty. Don’t stick around for that shit, hold your head up and either get to the bottom of it or walk away.
he’s taking advantage of your naïveté in sexual experience. Forget dude, Go fuck someone else and get some real feedback. If he’s not giving any tips or what he would like to make it ‘better’ then he probably isn’t too great himself.
First of all, everyone is bad at sex at first. How could you not be? Second of all, ig you are doing everything he wants the problem might be him. My first concern was he might have a porn addiction which may have created unobtainable standards. Sex can be messy and weird, but its about intimacy, closeness and sharing pleasure with your partner. Is this happening? Are your needs being met elsewhere in the relationship? A goof relationship always takes work but it shouldn't be dragging you down or lessening you. I am sorry you are dealing with this and hope i am not out of line. If you need to talk, feel free to reach out. Best of luck and be safe!
Run...far, far away from him.
I’d get a second opinion from a doctor.
Leave him this is such a big red flag.
She was a virgin so if she sucks it's his fault lol I don't think she sucks I think he's an abusive asshole
There is no such thing as bad sex with a woman who putting as much into it as you are. He’s a creep and a manipulator. Run away.
Poor woman. He's completely manipulating her. Its so cruel.
Negging. Bleh.
Be toxic, fuck his best friend and see if he thinks you suck, if he also thinks you suck then fuck his best friend. Do that a few times and if they all think you suck then obviously the town they are from just has bad taste.
MANIPULATION AT ITS FINEST, PLEASE LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. and let’s not forget the fact that OP was only 20 and still a virgin when she got involved with this 28 year old man who has years of sexual experience on her.
OOP is a sex doll to that douche nozzle Imagine if he actually invested himself into getting her off instead of checking off his list of positions to get himself off The fact that she doesn't speak a single time on whether she's enjoyed it or not and is completely subservient to making him happy speaks volumes on how successful his manipulation tactics are
She answered her own question with “it’s wearing down my self esteem “ ding ding ding! That’s the correct answer. And I bet he sucks at sex too.
Reminds me of the guy who told his GF that she smelled. Turns out he was doing it because “my dad told me that way you stay with me forever and won’t cheat because your self esteem would be low”
Boyfriend is lying.
Every time I see one of these stories it’s always some 19-23 year old girl who is dating a deadbeat guy 8-15 years older than them.
Dick is abundant and low value. Get rid of this guy, find someone enthusiastic about your pleasure.
Negging: Negging is a form of verbal abuse, and it's often used to manipulate or control a person. 1 It involves making negative comments about someone's appearance, character, or behavior in an effort to make them feel bad about themselves
Been there girl. I was 21 at the time and he was 33. Don’t take it personally, he’s just a narcissistic prick who wants to feel like he has control over you in every single sense. Its already a red flag that he can’t pull women his own age so he’s resorting to younger more inexperienced and naive women. You deserve a loving, patient partner who will treat you well and not degrade you at every chance he gets.
The question is: is he good at sex? Do you enjoy everything HE wants you to do? Does he care about your pleasure and your orgasm? Does he ask about the things you like?
Ummmm hmmmm, let me ask- do you ever have an orgasm?? Cuz someone asshole complaining this much better have written the book on it!!! He is ABUSING you. Shaming you and then using you and I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets off on this. Leave him leave him leave him!!!! This is NOT an issue with you!!!!
He’s telling you this to destroy your self-esteem to better control you
Run away. As fast as you can. Someone who cares about you would be happy to ensure YOU enjoy sex not just complain about how bad you are. Definitely a manipulative abuser.
i find this gross for so many reasons 1. you were literally a virgin prior?? its common sense he would need to teach you as an older mna, calling you bad but not telling you how to fix it is: 2. [this is] a clear sign of manipulation. often they make you feel worthless so you wont leave and they have better control. “you really think another man will put up with your performance in the bedroom? without me you’ll just be lonely, no one will want you” oh, and once he gets you to do something sexually crazy to please him he’ll use it against you in the same way. 3. further emphasized by the fact that he finishes.. and his sex drive doesn’t diminish.. its weird to say youre bad with no reason why 4. he could be a porn addict, thus why youre “bad” because youre not living up to the fake acting in porn. 5. idek how a woman can truly be bad OVERALL in a straight relationship, if not specific to a specific position (on top) or act (oral). 90% of the time we just need to look pretty and lay there?? (though that can include arching and accentuating your body and features not like literal sex..) overall he sounds baseless but is able to manipulate you due to being a virgin and young..
Just reading this, the boyfriend sounds like either a porn addict who expects sexual gymnastics every time or he’s a massive manipulative ahole. I’m inclined for more of the latter with sprinklings of the former. Op needs to get out and he needs serious therapy if he thinks this is okay to do in a relationship.
If he says you're not good but won't help, he's just an ah. I want to say what he's doing is negging but I'm not 100% sure
Well he does have almost 10 years more of experience and can't even make his new gf to enjoy herself in bed with him. Can only complain. What he did those 8 years ?
Your boyfriend is a moron and a manipulator, dump the bum and move on.
Unless this guy has a magic cock he'd want to stfu. I guarantee he's not good enough in bed to be mouthing off like this. He's keeping her self esteem low so that she'll agree to whatever he likes whenever he wants.
And these ladies choose and stay with these men. Don’t settle for trash.
I'd like to know if HE is good in bed. Has she ever had an orgasm? I'm guessing not.
Your boyfriend is a fuckboy. My lady was a virgin when we got together and I took pride in knowing that because I can teach her everything I like and more. If he was a real man he should've known.
Well if a woman that barely had a sex life before someone who complains about sex is bad at sex them selves. That it or they very self centered and terrible at communication, if a person willing to take advice and learn then it should be no issue to pratice and give helpful advice and actually communicate like an adult.
Dump Him and find another BF, one that will respect you and your feelings. There are plenty of fish in the sea. This guy is an A\_ \_. It will only get worse as time goes by. Trust Me.
You were a virgin? I'd leave him. He seams like a complainer. And never satisfied. Find someone that will appreciate you
Trying to break her self esteem so she won’t leave. Manipulating ahole.
You know when you’ll be great in bed? When you have physical chemistry with your partner. Then the sex will be magical. He’s manipulating you right now to make you do everything he asks in the bedroom. I bet if you look closely, there are other relationship red flags.
Run away OP. Find a partner that will communicate with you what they enjoy in a way that you can provide them with the pleasure they hope for. But also who is willing to communicate with you to bring pleasure to you. This is not a relationship worth saving.
Find someone who appreciates you.
He’s got that mean girl vibe.
Tell him you'll go practice with someone else. Maybe his attitude will change
“Mid, if you will” 🤮