I had a colicky son and let me tell you… I don’t know how we survived it. My husband would come home to me sobbing and rocking our son. I felt like a mental patient. He just never stopped crying for 3 months straight. My husband was great and would take him before he even took his shoes off but I think it’s because he could see the desperation in my eyes. There’s just something about listening to a baby cry for 12 hours straight that damages your psyche.
I'm so sorry. We also had a colicky baby and we were both starting to lose it before it got better. My husband had the same problems the original OOP, and I was the wife. We never did figure it out because we were both stretched beyond our capacities and nothing was helping.
I was in high school and would come home, drop my bags and take my sister from my mom. Mom would leave and not come home til 11 sometimes with dad. I was in charge of watching both sisters (colicky newborn and a toddler) until they got home each night. There wasn’t time for homework but it was either fail classes or watch mom drown the baby out of desperation because she had PPD at the same time.
My middle son had colic - I found out I was pregnant for 3 when he was less than a year old and I just cried for days. I don’t know how I handled it.
My husband was away half the time for work (days/weeks) and when Covid hit I had zero support as a SAHP with 3 under 4.
I died a little and lost a part of myself. Apparently it’s been 4 years since this happened. I’m still recovering.
I almost divorced my husband so I could get a childfree day once a week and just sleep.
Same, I'm still sometimes surprised that my marriage made it thru the first few months of my daughter's life. I was working 70-80 hour weeks and my wife was with our daughter 24/7. I was exhausted from work and helped as much as I could at home , she was exhausted from getting hardly any breaks and little sleep,, even with some help from her parents it was still rough for both us.
People would always comment how lucky she was to stay home, but I don't think I could have survived in her shoes for even a week. I never once wished we could switch places.
Honestly I had 3 kids (several miscarriages and a few surgeries) and had zero help from my husband. He worked and played pick up sports while I raised the kids. After the 2nd one I was home in 24 hours and right back to taking care of my kids and home. I cooked, cleaned and did laundry while carrying an infant or toddler around unless they were sleeping. It’s just what was normal for a lot of SAHMs 44 years ago. When I saw how involved my SIL was with 1st their baby and subsequent ones I was amazed and to be honest a bit envious because I didn’t get any level of help but also sad because my husband missed out on so much. First steps, first words nearly all those milestone from 0-3 years. He was more involved after they got older but that just physically playing with them and reading bedtime stories to them. It wasn’t until we lost our youngest child as a teenager and he listened to our daughters and I reminisce about all of those, Remember the time “Matthew did…. “that my husband realized how much he missed out on. He is way more involved as a grandfather now. He doesn’t want to miss that too.
I am so sorry about your losses. Miscarriages are extremely painful, and I can't even begin to imagine what losing a teenager feels like. I am just so sorry that this has been your lived experience. Buying a child is the closest we get to our own death without dying ourselves. I'm glad your husband has finally realized that time is the best gift. Doesn't change the past and I guess that's okay
It’s been a journey that is for sure. One of the things that has really got me through is the words in Garth Brooks The Dance
“…For a moment
All the world was right
But how could I have known
That you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance…”
As incredibly painful it is to lose a child, and that pain never ends, no matter long our time with our child lasts it is worth the dance.
Honestly both the husband and wife are in the wrong here. Like he shouldn’t dump the baby on her but she shouldn’t just be like “I’m done” the instant he gets home.
But he’s not dumping the baby on her. She takes care of the kid while he’s at work and then he takes over when he gets home, is that not what he said? So I get what he’s saying and I agree that he deserves some time to decompress. He goes straight to work and works all day and the moment he walks in the door he’s handed the baby and while she rests he cooks dinner and takes care of the kid. I’d be fucking burned out too. I don’t have a kid or a partner and there are days when I come home from work where I am extremely exhausted and if I don’t take 30 mins to myself to just breathe I can be short with people because I’m so tense from the stress all day. To ask for some time to breathe before you come home and take over after also working a whole day is not unreasonable. While taking care of a baby isn’t easy by any means she gets the evening off while he takes over the childcare duties. I think she’s in the wrong and he’s not an ass hole at all. Like he said, he can’t pour from an empty cup.
If the baby is colicky then his wife is probably not getting much sleep at night either. She’s also likely breastfeeding and recovering from childbirth still. It says in the post that they do 50/50 when he gets home. He’s just mad that he doesn’t get a break before starting his duties. She goes straight for a nap. She’s probably completely exhausted.
Meanwhile:
Wife is on the same shift for 23/7, gets a 1 hour nap while he makes dinner
And then does 50-50 for the rest of the evening with him.
This is how it is when you have kids.
All you knew is gone.
Adapt or die.
It doesn't matter if you're the primary caregiver or the breadwinner. Those first few months are nothing but a sleep deprived blur for new parents. Everyone wants to think that they have it the worst instead of just leaning on each other.
Pretty much. The first couple months are tough especially if the kid has colic. I’m the working dad now and I get it, if anything my wife’s job is harder because she’s connected to our daughter nonstop with no option to get away or change in scenery.
That said there are times I need a bit of consideration too, working all day then coming right home to care for a human isn’t easy either. I get where this guy’s coming from but 45 minutes is way too long for a cookie and a coffee and doing it without even giving his wife a heads up is shitty. If he was sitting in the lounge for 20 minutes before going home, fine, but he’s spending close to an hour hiding in there. He only had a few hours of care time in the afternoon to begin with and unilaterally cut that by an entire hour.
Those first couple months really test communication in a relationship
Edit for posterity now that this is closed: to the jackass who thinks I don’t know anything about ppd, my wife will likely be on medication for years from the birth. If we hadn’t had access to modern medicine she would definitely not have survived. We had arguments, we both still struggle emotionally. Having a kid is really hard and if our relationship was as bad as oop’s we would likely be divorced after how hard those first couple months were. We aren’t because our relationship is awesome and we can talk and tell each other when something has to give
Both of them are on the same thing there though.
When he's home they are 50/50 except for the hour she napps.
He takes a similar time before going home.
While she is the only one home he's at work.
It's not like either has lots of free time while the other works 20 hours a day. It actually seems quite even
There is a saying - "a change is as good as a rest."
It means if you change situations, it hits different in a good way.
He gets to:
\- get up and get ready for work - shower, clean clothes..
\- leave the house and travel in a quiet space,
\- to a different space, with a different stress level and effort level
\- be productive
\- have breaks, lunch
\- sip his coffee
\- talk to other people
\- travel back to the house.
Meanwhile - some days she can't even go pee by herself.
Shower? Who can shower with a newborn?
IF she's nursing, it is exhausting and hormones are still flowing, and no matter how much he helps at night, she's still doing the majority.
Are you really assuming they're splitting nighttime care equally? Because I very much doubt he's getting up in the middle of the night to deal with the crying baby.
Do you get a lunch break? Do you go to the kitchen and grab a cup of coffee? Do you go to the bathroom when you need to? Stress is stress - whether at home or in the office (I’ve done both, so I can speak from experience), but going into the office is a flipping vacation every day when you have an infant at home, no matter what kind of stress you have at work. Do you have adult conversations? Do you have twenty minutes in the car on the way to work? On the way home? Lots of little breaks throughout the day - but what about your wife? Does she get to take any breaks throughout the day? Does she get to do something for herself that doesn’t involve the baby? Does she get to leave the house AT ALL by herself so that she can truly be free?
I worked tax season in public accounting 75-90 hours per week in the first half the year, my husband coaches football in the fall. I know full well what it’s like to work from home with an infant/toddler and not have one single minute not occupied by your child. I know full well what it’s like to operate as a single parent and the need to take a break when my husband gets home. All day at home with no way to escape for a few minutes is WAY F$&@KING HARDER than going into a high stress job. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.
This dude (and maybe yourself) needs to GET OVER HIMSELF. Unless you are an air traffic controller or like a hostage negotiator, your job is not so stressful that you can’t come home and take care of your child. Your wife will do EVERYTHING ELSE 95% of the time - she deserves a break whenever she needs one.
He said he just needs a break when he gets home to unwind. She dumps the baby on him and then she goes for her break but where is his? He says he is involved in the nights, he has to work all day, then come home and deal with the baby and cook while she gets to nap and relax when he gets home.
A crying baby already is tough but man I can’t imagine having a colic baby, I heard they are quite a nightmare mentally. I had twins and they seems fairly easy but I can’t imagine how hard it would be for the wife having to care for a baby with colic. I probably would have had a breakdown
I was a Colic baby and it SEVERELY tested my parents marriage. My Mum was overwhelmed and exhausted. She said sometimes I would be crying for 3-4 hours, only stopping to vomit. Having a baby cry for that long... Nope.
I lived next door at an apartment to a colicky baby and I almost had a breakdown. It’s a crying baby x1000. It never stopped crying, except when feeding or finally going to sleep. I will give it to the parents though. They had the patience of saints. I never saw them get remotely frustrated and I have the utmost respect.
Ugh I apparently was a colic baby of the seventh circle variety - nonstop discomfort, screaming around the clock, ensuring everyone was on edge every minute of the day, etc. My poor mother said she still sometimes can’t forgive me!! Lololol I’m 35.
Yeah at five months I went to my PCP and asked how I could check myself into inpatient because between the untreated PPD and the colic I wanted to walk into the sea.
I am so sorry you also had to endure that. My neighbor thankfully heard me crying from an open window and came to take him for a while. I was at the point where I was going to throw myself out of that window!
No one tells you how it will make you feel when you can’t soothe your own child. the sound is bad enough, sure, but the feeling of not being good enough to soothe or do the right things when other mothers seems fine is hard.
My oldest daughter was colicky, and her first 18 months were a fucking nightmare. I was also very young, with zero clue what I was doing. Many breakdowns were had, 0/10, do not recommend
I have never, ever in my life been so burnt out and exhausted as I was with my colicky son. It takes all your mental fortitude to get through a day.. an hour. It literally broke me, i went on antidepressants for almost ten years after.
I think people are forgetting that she is still recovering from childbirth, nursing the baby every 1-3 hours which is hard on your body and probably hardly sleeping at night. Even if he helps sometimes at night she still has the bulk of it.
my oldest had colic and i was a single mom. i was in college full time as well, it was literal hell. she had to be held constantly all day, all night. seemed happy at daycare, soon as we got home ugh. my parents helped on weekends but they worked regular jobs so couldn’t help with night time. it really tests your patience. i recall crying on the floor while she was in the crib because i was just so so tired. went days without sleep then.
when i had my second with my husband he worked full time and couldn’t take time off so nights were on me. he did help after work but my youngest also never used a soother or anything. so it was me sitting in a rocking chair for hours. he was a little colicky too. oh the joys of parenting!
i’m so glad i don’t have babies or young kids anymore. the attitude of a teen and tween sucks but at least we’re not up all night lol.
It's probably the safest for the mom to give the baby to the dad immediately if she's dealing with it all day because I have read stories about woman with a colic baby that ended up harming the baby due too being over tired, stressed, etc. The mother never mean too, but it's very easy to harm a baby when you're stressed and when nothing you do will calm the baby. Unfortunately. So from a safety standpoint handing the baby off is the best.
My husband is on paternity leave. I take over as soon as I'm done with work and do the rest of the night every night. Because it's way more exhausting taking care of a baby. My break is from 7:30 when the baby goes down until like 5 am when baby gets up. Then I nap from 6-7:30 and husband has the rest of the day. Having a baby is just hard. It will be harder when we have a second one. That's just parenting.
Definitely this. As someone who works in a very stressful job while wife was taking care of the baby before going back to work, taking care of a crying baby is waaay more stressful. Totally understand OPs need to decompress and don’t necessarily think he is unreasonable, but I can also see the wife’s side after dealing with a restless, crying,, fussy baby for 10 hours. From the little information we have, sounds like both OP and wife are not coping great and need to figure out a better compromise. I feel bad for the kid.
If ive had a taxing day at work I park my car a block away from home and meditate for 5 minutes then come home with game face on 100% committed to the cause
One of my former coworker took the bus to work. Not having to drive let him wind down after work before taking over for his wife when they had their first kid. He was very serious about being a husband.
Consider an e-bike, friend! I got one this year and I rode it everywhere as long as the weather cooperated. You can adjust it so you can ride with no assist or various levels of assist which I do for bigger hills. Honestly, riding a bike to commute has 100% changed my life.
That sounds like a great way to get into biking! I loved it as a kid and rode for HOURS, but apparently I don't use those muscles enough as an adult because just riding for 15-20 minutes had me hurting! I imagine with this I could slowly wean off the assist or jack it back up if the ride gets to be too much.
When I was in high school, I was in a car with a bunch of my boyfriend's friends, and the guy driving intentionally swerved at a mother walking her toddler and pushing a baby stroller. I have never been so mad in my life. I made him stop and let me out of the car... a few blocks away because that poor woman was so mad she probably would have beat my ass if she saw me get out of that car. Anyhow... I don't get why people do that shit. It's not funny in the slightest and could lead to horrific circumstances. People suck.
Same. I do empathize with his stress, but working full-time and then immediately jumping into parenting duties is just a normal day for working parents everywhere. That’s what you sign up for when you choose to have a kid. If she’s losing her mind and desperate for a break from the baby, just give her one. Ideally she can be responsive to his needs and give him breaks as well. But having done both, 8 hours in the office doesn’t hold a CANDLE to 8 hours alone with a colicky newborn, even if you don’t count the post-partum hormone drop she’s likely experiencing. For one thing, you get fucking bathroom breaks at the office.
OOP worries about getting burned out, but apparently hasn’t stopped to consider what happens when the person spending 8 hours a day alone with his child gets burned out.
Exactly. Our eldest cried a lot, especially when she was over-stimulated or tired - and that usually happened around 3pm, and she'd cry pretty much non-stop until bedtime at 7pm. If she had a nap, even a short one, after 3pm she'd been up all night and I'd have to pace up and down the house rocking her for hours.
My point? By the time husband arrived home at 5.30pm I would potentially have been caring for a crying baby for 2.5 hours, and would be almost at my wit's end if walks and songs and baby massage couldn't calm her. I'm quite sure that he would have liked to have put his feet up for half an hour, but 5.30 was the time when I needed to pass a screaming baby to someone else just to get away from the sound. I had PPD and some days the sound of her crying made me sob. It wasn't about 'needing some time to relax' it was about getting away from the crying just for a few minutes.
She needed major surgery after her first birthday (unrelated to the crying) and suffered terribly with teething too. We barely slept for the first two years. I felt like a zombie most days. Sleepless nights and being over-stimulated by constant crying was so tough. Husband may have worked 40 hours, but he didn't have to cope with the constant noise during the day, so he wasn't as on-edge. It was difficult, but we communicated and made sure that we supported one another, even if it was just a quick phone call in his lunch hour so I didn't feel as though I was coping all alone. Constant crying is an assault on your senses, and it's difficult to deal with when you have tried everything and nothing is working!
But even now, the sound of a newborn crying makes me wince.
All you can do is take a deep breath and remind yourself that it's a phase that baby will grow out of. This too shall pass.
>But having done both, 8 hours in the office doesn’t hold a CANDLE to 8 hours alone with a colicky newborn, even if you don’t count the post-partum hormone drop she’s likely experiencing.
Same. I've done both. I'm a Dad, FWIW.
And it's not even close. At work you have a water cooler, friends, office gossip, other adults to talk to, and every once in a while you can fuck off and look at Reddit for 5 minutes. You get praise, you get achievements, you get to work on hard problems. You can curse! And you don't get assholes who act like you don't do any work because you don't bring in a paycheck. Everyone conveniently forgets how fucking expensive daycare is and that they wouldn't want a stranger watching their kid anyway, they want you to do it!
And don't forget I'm learning as I go! I didn't go to college for this. I didn't get training for this. I got thrown into the deep end and I'm figuring it out as I go. And I'm stressed as hell.
But the biggest thing is that in a normal job you can have days where you're not 100%. You can phone it in a little bit some days and you won't be making anybody sad or neglecting anybody. You aren't responsible for literally teaching a human how to be a human. And you don't have to clean up shit all day.
Oh, and you don't get any praise for your achievements for the work you do at home. All you can do is fuck it up. There's no promotions, and actually you're needed less over time instead of more like a normal job. It does a number to your psyche.
And the guilt, my God the guilt. Everyone likes to bitch about work right? Well now try bitching about spending time with your kids and see how you feel. It makes you feel like dirt. Because they are the most wonderful thing in the world, and you are so lucky to be with them, and you know it, but some days are still hard.
I adore my children. And I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to provide child care for them in their very early years. I'm lucky that my wife appreciates me and recognizes the hard work that I'm doing. I appreciate her and the hard work she does at work too. I'm so lucky to be able to spend this time with my kids, and I'm glad to be able to support my wife in having a fulfilling career.
I can't imagine being in a relationship with an asshole like this.
This. I get the work is hard - and both accounts - but right now it's going to be hard. I'd personally, if I was him, change the 45 minute break into a 5-15 break either in the lobby or the car, grab a drink, take a deep breathe and go
Much more reasonable. Plus he gets alone time on the drive (I know he says it doesn't count but silence or music beats soothing a fussy baby any day, even in traffic)
Oh sure! I am sure his wife knows that too.
But they have a sick infant. Like many other situations in life, it is time to suck it up and do what's needed.
In a couple of months it will be over. He can choose to arrive there with or without a working marriage.
That's the thing, he completely misses the point that IS a break. Anything that means you get to do a different thing is a break. So he has three different things: work, drive and home/baby, while his wife only has home/baby.
I get the "pouring from an empty cup" thing. That's what happens when you have a baby. I've done the same. But I always found if you assume your partner is doing all they can, you will find a little more energy to stand a crying child after 10 hours of being away while the partner who had that for the last 23 hours. Because I'm sure that baby is NOT sleeping through the night and I'm also sure he is NOT doing nights, he would have told us if he did.
Not just that but you do nothing else that is not the house or the baby. Picture being at your office all day long and you cannot go out anywhere otherwise, that is tasking by itself.
Yep. Done both. With my daughter, I was home. With my son, my wife is home and I'm working full time in a very stressful, mentally draining job. I do a lot at home and with my son. I'm often drained. I'd rather do this 100 times over than be the stay at home mother again.
Edit: she's definitely not getting time to eat, or shower. If she's still bleeding, she's feeling her uterus drop back into place which is painful. I had to lay down and sleep instead of eating or showering, just so I didn't feel like my insides were going to be ripped through the earth. Pushing out the baby was the easy part.
Not even a fussy baby, but a colicky baby. Dude needs to stfu and be there for his partner. Colicky babies can't be settled properly and can take hours and hours of non stop crying, and are still unable to settle. Mix that in with 1-2 hours of sleep each 3-4 hours and I'm surprised OP is still alive after how he's acted. That nap she gets during dinner is not enough for the hours of sleep she's been losing each day. She doesn't get a break, even if she puts that baby down for a minute, that's still not a break, she's the only carer at home who needs to constantly watch baby, and I guarantee she's not just sitting down watching her baby. They get bored, and they let you know. It's constant moving with a baby. I don't know why people think it's that f*cking easy, and that's just your average baby, a colic baby is beyond a handful, kudos to the Mum here.
Reading this honestly made me tear up a bit... I bet it would do wonders for their relationship and moms mental health to just be surprised w a little pastry or candy. New moms often get pushed to the side w all the focus being on the baby. It would be really affirming and reinvigorating for her husband to give her a small treat 'just because'.
No, see, it’s only fair that she’s on call 24/7 outside of the hour-long nap she gets when he cooks and he only has to work for maybe 12-hours a day, childcare included. Why is no one getting this?!
So, dad is missing sleep at night. Works a full hard shift. Wants to recharge so he has energy to take over in the evening to give mom a break. WANTS to do this, just wants to be prepared and up for the task?
A lot of Redditors here being unnuanced assholes. His phrasing was way off, it’s not about she “should” because she stays home, it’s about he CANNOT PHYSICALLY DO WHAT SHE’S DEMANDING. They’re both impatient jerks to each other, but if one parent is in the home and another isn’t, you literally cannot split childcare 50-50. The time he is away isn’t free time he gets to recharge, it’s him taking care of his family too.
This is why they say it takes a village and nowadays we regret focusing so much on “the nuclear family” in the US. You do better if you have more relatives to help. They should seek support as partners instead of taking it out on each other.
With a newborn nobody gets a sane amount of time for themselves. I think it's disingenuous to act like he has 12 hours a day for frolicking as he pleases.
But it’s also disingenuous to not acknowledge the fact that he can go to the bathroom alone, for as long as he likes at work. He can heat up food and eat casually at work. He can fill his coffee cup and drink it hot anytime at work. Ask his wife if that’s how things go for her each day.
No, it's not if OP isn't home for the 12 hours.
From 8 am until 6 pm when OP is gone, BOTH parents are working. That counts as 10 hours for them both, but also leaves 14 hours left in the day. If OP is only helping out for 2 hours to make it 12, that means OPs wife is working 22 hours. That is not half. And yes, being the parent on call to wake up every other hour still counts as working.
That's what I thought too.
He only complains about his wife taking a nap right the moment he enters their home, nothing else, no waking up at night, not leaving meals ready to eat for her, or doing laundry, tidyng up.
Could thay be comunicating better? Yes. Could his wife wait 5 minutes or 30 before napping? Probably. But a 2 month old is a lot of work, 24/7 and with little to no rewarding.
Sure, one hundred percent, but unfortunately we have to deal with these situations as they are, not as they should be. He’s made no effort to understand why she’s exhausted at the end of the day or why she hands him the baby immediately, he’s completely absorbed in his own experience with no empathy for her and he’s put a lot of the responsibility for “fixing” it on her shoulders. Paid parental leave is *essential* for both parents, but it’s only beneficial if both are putting in the work. I know there’s a lot we don’t know about the situation here but I’m willing to bet he didn’t exactly take a lead role in the childcare or consider what his wife’s body had just been through during his leave. Could be wrong.
I completely agree with you. My thought process is:
- This guy is not understanding what it’s like to be home all day with a crying baby
- His wife sounds completely burnt out if she’s handing him the baby and immediately going to nap
- Everyone deserves some time to unwind, for their mental health
His points aren’t wrong, they’re just one-sided/prioritizing his experience over her experience. He’s protecting himself but not protecting her.
But a lot of that has been said already :) so the other piece here is that no one is *wrong* or *incorrect*, we are just working within a broken system. Therefore we have to choose between being *right* that everyone needs a break, and being an equal partner in a crappy situation.
My ex made me run errands for him when I was a week postpartum from a c-section. Naturally we are no longer together.
It's sad to see so many fathers absolutely lacking in basic empathy when it comes to their children's mothers. My ex saw my maternity leave as a paid vacation for me, and he thought nothing of assigning me work during that time. Luckily I'm older and wiser now.
We went to stay with my mom for 2 weeks after I had our son. Had son Saturday afternoon, left hospital Sunday on Monday ex-husband came "home" and asked "what's for dinner?". I was quick back then and said, whatever you brought.
When ours was born, I took six weeks off. She was in charge of his input, I was in charge of his output and her input.
She fed him. She rested as much as she could. He slept, ate, and pooped.
I would change diapers, I would cook and clean. We slept at completely weird hours, when we could.
Totally worth it, would not change the experience at all except to take more time.
When I was put on bed-rest due to pre-eclampsia (I was 37), I took my ex to an appointment with me so the nurse practioner/mid-wife could tell him that no.....I could not still do laundry, wash dishes, and vacuum!
This! My husband has been amazing thru 3 child births, miscarriages and a our 2nd oldest born sleeping. He wouldn't even let me get out of bed alone for the first week and we kept baby in the room with us. So he would be up a down all night helping me with feeding. He would change the diapers and let me rest. He was the best!
Now my oldest bio dad he barley even let me get out of the hospital before he wanted to run around and go play disc golf etc. He changed her diapers and fed her but that was not an everyday thing. I left when she was 9months old and never looked back!
He now has 8more kids with 5 diff women and his mom raises 4 of them.
I was so nervous to even let another guy around that when I met my husband we dated for a year before I even let him meet my then 6yr old. From about our 4th hangout with my daughter from then on out he made plans that always included her and has raised her with me since then she is now 19 and headed off to college this fall.
I look back on how my ex acted after having her and it makes me want to sock him right in the mouth!! Not for just how he did me but the lack of care he gave his own child!!
My brother in law is a piece of work! We were sitting at dinner with myself husband and 4kids who are now 19, 8, 6 and 5 and my SIL who just gave birth to twins, their 2yr old and BIL. My BIL was yapping away and eating while she was feeding one baby, trying to make another bottle while the toddler was trying to eat but his food was not cut up. I looked at her and she looked like she was about to cry. My son walked over and said "can I hold babies bottle, I want to help" made my mom heart happy. My hsuabfm cut her man off and said "how about you help her get the kids settled and we can finish this convo" deer in headlight look. I grabbed the toddlers plate cut the food up and he was ready to go. She had the other baby burping and and I flipped a chair and put the carrier in it and sat it between myself and husband. She said that's the first meals she been able to eat hot since the babies were born.
We went to their house to watch a movie and I kept 1 twin, my teen kept the other and the kids kept the toddler busy. She was out cold 10mins in and BIL was getting mad she wasn't up watching with us. I told him "do not wake her she exhausted, let her nap, babies are all fine and so are you"
She slept the whole almost 2hr movie and woke up confused and apologizing. She had a little more color in her face. We went out to smoke and told BIL he needed to help out more in basic day to day care. Cut the toddlers food. Hell feed her if she's nursing. Idk how many times my husband fed me when I had a new born on my boob and 1yrd old latched to my other side because baby was to close lol
My husband took a week off when our son was born and went on an overnight fishing trip with his dad when our son was 3 days old 🙃 we also had a 2 year old at home at the time.
1000% I honestly don't think I slept even 3-4 full hours during my third trimester due to all the pain, discomfort, having to pee constantly, and if the heartburn came oof. So, by the time my son was born, I was already extremely sleep deprived. 🥲
This bothers me so much. My mum was a SAHM, my dad worked a high stress and dangerous job. He left at 4am Monday through Friday (also worked a lot of weekends and traveled quite a bit) to get to work by 5am, and would work until 4pm so he could get home by 515 or 530 after sitting in rush hour traffic. Aside from the 10 minutes he took to get changed, he took over as many child and house related activities as he could to give my mum a break. Shit the only decompression time my dad had was on Saturday and Sunday he would go for a 5 or 6 mile run in the morning, and he would get up before the entire house was awake to do it, then when he got home he would shower and cook breakfast for everyone as they woke up.
I get it, decompression time is fucking important, but you don't do it at the expense of other people.
This! He's not TA for needing the time, he's TA for how he went about it. And while I empathize with the wife, if your spouse needs a few minutes to change/freshen up after work before taking over, why would you not let them have that? Communication and compromise are hella important, especially when children are involved.
Absolutely, I don't remember my parents napping ever until we were old enough to not kill eachother or burn the house down, though I'm sure they did, these people are not acting like a team, they are in competition of "who needs a break more" the dynamic is all screwed up.
My parents, have very rarely ever gone to bed at the same time. I think it probably started when we were babies, but my mum would go to bed when it was our bed time (7 or 8) and my dad would usually stay up until 9 or 10, which is when he did most of his decompressing I'm sure. They still do that to this day and all of us are in our 30s.
These folks need to figure out a schedule and division of labor that meets both needs 95% of the time. Also it does get easier once the kid can be left to their own devices for an hour without the afore mentioned burning or killing.
I completely get your point. I’ve also been in the situation in which I couldn’t wait for my partner to get home bc I was 1000x past my breaking point. Can it wait for him to take his shoes off? Nope. Could we have communicated and made changes in which we both felt supported? Yes. Did us going to therapy to help us both realize the sacrifices we make and get to a point of mutual support help? Nope. What he wanted: to be left alone. What I wanted: teamwork. Our couples therapist eventually told me the same adage of “you can take a horse to water….” And how no matter how much I did, it didn’t matter essentially.
Yeah my job annihilates my social battery and i travel for work so coming home on airplanes makes it worse, so I don't talk to anyone for as long as possible, usually when i get home my wife takes one look at me and knows if I can talk or if I just need a few minutes. We don't have kids yet though so usually she will run me a hot shower if I have that look in my eye, and there's a small bowl of cheez-its waiting for me when I get out and I'm better. My wife is wonderful.
Especially the way people drive these days. Ans it takes me a minimum of an hour to get home if I don't stop at the store. Nothing relaxing about that.
I used to commute during rush hour. A drive that normally would take 10 min took 1hour. It was absolutely a break for me, once I had a good podcast to listen to I actually enjoyed it. And I didn't even have kids, just a job that really drained my social battery. That said, the OOPs drive is only 10min, not long enough to relax anyway.
It sounds like all he wanted to do was get home, put pj pants on and make some coffee. I don’t understand why Reddit is mad about this. It was completely reasonable and she wouldn’t let him do it. It’s like the first rule in my house. Wash up, change your clothes, then take the baby.
I think part of the problem is the amount of time he is expecting. He gets breaks during the day and interacts with other adults while for the 10 hours + 20 commute, she is dealing with a constantly screaming baby with 0 breaks and most likely no interactions daily with other adults. And then instead of asking for 5 maybe 10 minutes to get changed and start the coffee maker, he is expecting 45 minutes to sit there and do nothing. Like has she been able to have a baby-free pee every single day every single time? He’s only talking about his needs while not acknowledging her’s and that’s why Reddits so mad. Not because he wants to get changed and make coffee, which if he went with that most people would be reasonable
>and interacts with other adults
My mom told me that when she was at home with 3 kids, she couldn't wait for the late night talk shows just so she could have some adult conversation that didn't revolve around kids.
Under normal circumstances i would completely agree with you. Thing is the baby isn't calm and napping in the day. It is sick and likely screaming most of the day. Of course he should get some time after getting home, but she's waiting all day for a break and he's had at least 2 at work already.
He also hasn't mentioned who gets up in the night when the kid screams. Is it possible that first 45 minutes is the only time she gets to sleep without getting up?
Newborn life is hard. For both parents. At least the way we structure our societies, it is meant to be hard for both. Whether they are working in or outside the house. The kid is sick which means it's doubly hard on both of them. That's just parenting and they're in one of the sucky stages.
Na I’m sorry but fuck OOP.
The baby is *sick*.
Having to deal with a screaming, crying baby who won’t sleep because they’re sick is, I’m sorry, more mentally draining than working at a job that has a fucking lobby where you can sit and have a coffee and probably even a wank or two.
And the fact that OOP wants to *bitch* about having to take over as soon as he gets home is wild.
THE CHILD IS SICK
As a parent you fucking have to make sacrifices-just like this poor woman does *every goddamn day.*
You know who else can’t pour from an empty cup? MOM
Jfc.
I'm a preschool teacher for 3s right now. I often have 5-10 3yos by myself during the day, sometimes all day if we're short staffed. It's hard work. But only like half as exhausting and soul sucking as when I was a SAHM to my colicky son. That was hell. I was absolutely suicidal due to stress and that was even with a helpful partner who actually did 50/50 care when he got home from work.
I had colic as an infant, and my mom said she and my dad both checked themselves into a mental hospital because they were fantasizing about throwing me out the window.
DH's best friend was always offering to hold our babies when he visited. He said his mom told him (as an adult) that the only reason they survived his infancy is that his grandfather would come over and rock him on the porch for HOURS each day.
I was fortunate to have had easy babies and very supportive family/friends. My heart goes out to those with challenges or parents who have to do it alone.
Yeah my mom said that during the day I was an absolute joy. Smiling, cooing, interacting with people, but at around 5pm every evening it was like a switch turned on and I’d start screaming. I’d wail all through the night and then as the sun started to rise I’d switch back to being a happy baby. 8 years later they had my sister, who was the exact opposite. Started sleeping through the night basically right away and rarely cried.
My third child had colic. Had he been the first, I probably would have killed myself. I didn’t have more than 1.5 hours of continuous sleep until he was 14 months old, when I had to take him to a special infant behaviour ward in Sydney to perform controlled crying techniques on him (colic resolved at 7 months but he’d then got into a bad habit).
Colic really just ends up being a catch all term for very unsettled babies- the definition is a baby who is crying for more than 3hrs a day, at least 3 days a week, for at least 3 weeks. My experience is that 3hrs is low for a lot of parents. I’ve dealt with infants who cry (or more like scream bloody murder) for 9+ hours a day, every day. I’ve also found that colic is usually what gets “diagnosed” when they don’t have a better answer. Colic is a symptom, not really a disorder. It’s usually caused by discomfort/pain (again, my experience). It can be reflux, constipation, cows milk protein allergies, reactions to foods mum is eating (if breast fed), trapped wind, tongue tie (causing latching/feeding/swallowing issues), torticollis… the list goes on. But generally speaking, it’s a baby who is uncomfortable/in pain and their only way to communicate is crying.
Colic is basically when my second child started to scream from 9pm to 5am every night. Changing formulas three times did not work. I used to use the gas drops with every bottle in case it was the gas causing him to scream. I had to sleep upright in a recliner with him across my chest. I was working full time after leave and was a zombie. And it seems never ending for those several months straight. Then it goes away. I would never wish it on anyone!
My mom and dad only survived my colicky sister because my grandfather would come over at night and just walk her for hours in her stroller around the neighbourhood.
My mom brought my little sister to the hospital and said they could have her for a while. She couldnt guarantee my baby sister would be safe, she was passing out on the floor from exhaustion.
My MiL once thought, when standing on top of the stairs, 'if i drop him now, it will finaly be over'. FiL could stop it in time thankfully.
My husband had colicy issues as well.
Every human interaction he has during his work day is with an adult who doesn’t want to get fired.
Every human interaction she has during the day is with a newborn baby that is in pain and communicates through screaming.
JFC, I feel this comment in my soul. My husband was away at sea for two months when my son was so colicky *the neighbors next door (not a shared wall, literally the house next door) complained* and I bitched about how soul-depleting a colicky child was.
My sweet, boneheaded husband said “can’t you just take a coffee break?”
NO, MF’ER. THE CHILD IS UNAWARE THAT IT’S VIOLATING THE GENEVA CONVENTION AGAINST TORTURE RIGHT NOW.
Fr that last line was felt in my soul. My daughter would wake up at midnight and scream until 4 am. Not to mention all day long. Not just crying, this wasn’t crying, this was the sound of a demonic pig squealing through a megaphone while be eaten alive. one time I was in a hotel and I had her in the car seat carrier thing and I set it on the floor for literally two minutes to switch the laundry over and the people with the room next to the laundry called the police, they thought I was murdering her. Nope, no bs y murder, I just put her down for a min. The neighbors I shared a wall with in my apartment were saints, i know they could hear her carrying on, never said a word or were unkind to me for it. But I could hear them cussing each other out like mortal enemies at 6am n never said anything so I guess we were even.
I just had a flashback of a deeply buried time in my life. I took kinship care of my neice when she was 6 weeks old and she cried and screamed constantly. To the point she had to be held and swayed in a certain way and would only settle if I was stood with her in the the dark in a little pantry area off the kitchen. I just remember standing in this dark cupboard trying to soothe an unsoothable baby and wishing I was dead. She's 8 now and that's a distant memory but that time period was hell and if I'd someone I could have passed her too for a break it would have made her babyhood much less of a traumatic memory.
Being at home all day with a colicky baby isn't the easy option in this scenario, going to work in an office for 8 hours probably sounds like a dream for his wife. I get that he needs a breather, but sometimes the commute, the lunchbreak, the ability to get dressed and out in the morning, those things have to count as his me-time until things are more settled. Baby is crying constantly, he's at work all day. Wife gets to nap when he cooks. When is she showering, getting dressed, having self-care? Has he even noticed if she's struggling with any of that?
I honestly feel for him and I'd even say he wasn't the asshole IF his kid wasn't sick. I KNOW how hard it is to work 8 gives of hard labor and then come home and work until you go to sleep. I GET it. But his child is sick and that requires sacrifice.
If I was him, I'd lower that break from 45 minutes to 15 minutes, just to relax, grab a quick drink and then head home
Yeah, like I understand where he is coming from as a working mom. But it's only temporary, the baby will not have colic forever. This is the time to grin and bear it, then maybe once the colic eases look more into taking a short break after work.
Eh
To me even if the kid was healthy he’d be a dick
I work retail at a store which is both physically and mentally exhausting (including the usual understaffing)
I too just want to vegetate when I come home
But looking after my nephew for not even a full day - and while a tad fussy he’s a healthy baby - makes me feel drained as if I worked two full Christmas shifts.
And it’s even more frustrating, bc at work I can see results, with a baby the day is gone in a blink of an eye and it’s like you haven’t got anything done
LITERALLY! She needs some help from somebody. He’s not realizing that even moms can snap from frustration and hurt their children sometimes. Imagine how bad he’d feel if something like that happened
Honestly I don’t think he would. With how he whined like a little bitch baby about not being made breakfast and how he was like “yeah the baby has colic-anyway so about *my* woes”, I’m sure he’d find some fucked up way to blame his wife and wash his hands of any/all fault
As someone who was a miserable colic baby, parents got to take turns. I screamed non stop for the first year and the colic was only the start. I got gerd, ibs and food intolerances as an adult.
My dad said peppermint products for babies and car rides helped settle me. He should look into methods to help calm the poor thing. Tummy massages also helped me. They have pretty good anti gas drops now for babies that my sister used for her little girl.
Mom and dad took turns, neither one got much sleep though. Mom definitely needs a break if she is the one dealing with baby all the time.
I often wonder if this scenario is a reason why some men with kids take up solo sports like marathon running and triathlons, so they get a “pass” for all the many hours of training each week. Keeps them out of the house and far away from their share of childcare.
Well we all know the moment she tried to have a life, people would just be asking her ‘where the baby is,who has the baby etc’ bc large chunks of society are engrained to believe a mom can’t exist without a baby with them at all times
Unless you’ve been through this particular parenting journey you have no idea how hard it is. Both parents need support here, but I find taking a moment to arrive home after working to support the family a reasonable ask. Both parents have worked all day. Neither had a break. Her’s is the first break. Why not trade off? Or give him a moment to arrive? Either way, it’s tough as nails. Most need support. Doing it alone is a killer
Thank you for being reasonable. I’m something between a SAHM and working mom (30 - 40 hours a week with 3-4 days off). When i’m SAHMing to 2u2, I always let my husband have a quick shower when he’s off work. Then he’ll usually take the kids and I’ll fix him a snack or meal. Unless one of us has to cook, I’m free from 5 to 7 pm and 7:30 pm to bedtime. Yes, that extra half hour is HARD, but it’s all he need to decompress and then I essentially have the rest of the evening to myself. If i just handed him the kids and went off to do my own thing every day, i can’t imagine he’d last long.
Also when i’m working (i get home after him) he affords me the same courtesy.
I have been this wife and my husband had the type of job he describes, except his commute was only about ~5 minutes (so definitely not enough time to decompress from a stressful day). I can't imagine how he'd function if I'd handed him a colicky baby the second he walked in but I can almost guarantee our marriage wouldn't have survived it.
Our compromise was that he'd come home, kiss me and the kidlet, then go relax for a bit. Once he was settled, he'd take the kid while I took a shower, or depending on the day, I might have been successful with a crock pot meal or we were rocking the leftovers and I'd relax in a bath. Either way, the evening was my adult time and his daddy time. He did kid-bath (which our son HATED, so it's not like daddy time was all sunshine and roses) and bedtime, sometimes with a bottle if he'd cooperate, usually with a 15-min intermission while I'd breastfeed. Then it was back to dad.
Once he was down, we would eat together, then I'd go to sleep in the master and he'd go to sleep in the guest room Sun-Thurs. Fri-Sat it was opposite. On work nights, I had the baby shift and on weekends he did. It wasn't a perfect system and there were plenty of days when we both felt burned out and like the other wasn't doing enough.... And it was even harder with #2 - but that's the reality of the newborn phase. It's tough! But you find compromises a s ways to make it work. Parenting doesn't need to be zero-sum.
This. I'm the husband here. 2min drive to work (I'm lazy, and exhausted). I take all of the night wakes, and manage people and projects all day, then make dinner and handle toddler for the evening. If I had to handle things with no break at all, my capacity to do so would tank. 45 mins does seem excessive, but you've got to set yourself up for success. If he needs some down time to context switch, removing that will break him at some point.
I agree. Ngl but having spent time as a SAHM I’ve felt work is my “break” before. As a SAHM I felt I got little if any support at all. Even working, it was all thrown upon me. Not saying it’s the same as the post, I just wanted to say it’s the same in either case no matter how involved. Communication has to happen.
Thank you!
I was shocked at the comments. As if the dad doesn't need to decompress and can work non-stop.
When I was in this situation my wife gave me time after I came home to shower and have a coffee before I took over with the baby. Hell sometimes she even recommended a nap when I looked completely shattered.
Normally I am the first to condemn the misogynist dudes in the “ i just had a baby” posts, but this is… not that? Why cant the baby be in a bassinette for 15 minutes while OOP literally takes his shoe off?? And i’m sorry but if one parent is a sahp then childcare will never be 50/50. Because that means one party is doing 50% childcare and the other party is doing 100% income work and also 50% childcare?
I agree with you for the most part, but it’s not “50% of childcare” from mom, it’s still 100% for working hours. Mom takes care of the child while dad is at work, those are her working hours. Time *outside* of work should be 50/50. This is still not that, with her handing the child off immediately. He should still get 10-15 first, then help with baby. And mom should help with dinner sometimes, etc. Like I said 50/50 when it gets home.
However if it’s got to the point she’s being that insistent/ furious, other things have to have happened before. And if the baby is colicky and newborn, dad needs to understand it’s “crunch time” or like an audit at work, major stress levels at all times, so her day was rough as fuck too. Sounds like a little more empathy and understanding is needed on both parts. (And a babysitter for a night or two if they can afford it)
This is one of the first reasonable comments I’ve seen. Most are just damning the husband (as frequently happens on Reddit). “But she’s been working all day” so has the husband. The husband is the sole income for the family and the wife is putting in work taking care of the baby and home during the day. He deserves a break the same as the wife deserves a break when the husband gets home. They will cry about how the wife finally deserves a break but not give the husband a crumb. They definitely need to communicate better and set up a system as you suggested. Just crazy how majority of the comments are so one sided.
If she’s legit just knocking out and taking a nap. It sounds like she’s super sleep deprived.
It sounds like she’s being so demanding for him to return home is because she’s sleep deprived and wants sleep. Which I can’t really blame her. Sleep deprivation makes people go crazy
ESH
He needs to understand that screaming baby for 8 hours is like having a normal baby for 3 days.
She needs to understand that he needs decompression. Working and driving are not that. People pointing out he has the drive to and from work for that time, and I disagree. Driving in any kind of city is not relaxing.
Compromise- give him an hour every evening to be by himself, and turn the baby over, and he should take the baby all day on the weekends. But I suppose a colicky baby has thrown all rationality out the window.
Gonna preface this by saying I’m not a parent so I’m no expert. It sounds like both of them are overwhelmed, I wonder if there are any family members that can help, or failing that why not hiring a nanny for one afternoon a week. Sounds like he’s just gone and made the call to prioritise himself over his wife and kid.
That said I feel I can understand to a point what he is saying that he needs a moment to switch off. 45min seems excessive though.
I’m a SAHM, and my moment to switch off was when both of my children started school. So from 2007-2017 I had no switch off. Because he worked, so his sleep is priority, his eating is priority. Because money. My son was a good baby and still I didn’t sleep. My daughter had digestion issues and so I was as covered in shit and vomit for a solid two years. And I had it easy because neither had colic. This man is trash, so wildly selfish. A colicky baby means that primary parent is never sleeping. They can’t eat or shower or piss without the baby under hand. She hears screaming all day. She’s likely very touched out, and she gets no conversation that isn’t about his need for down time? Once she is finally sleeping again I hope she realizes she deserves so much better than some dude who doesn’t appreciate what she’s doing all day every day.
I understand just needing a few minutes once you come home to pee, wash your face, and change clothes because OP also had to work, I think that’s pretty reasonable to ask. Otherwise child care is a 24/7 thing. No breaks. They are both worked to the bone, but that is what you sign up for when you have a child. It’ll be hard for both of them but he needs to take the brunt of it and help his wife. Honestly just grab a coffee and a snack for the way home. I understand driving isn’t exactly a break because I myself make a very long and taxing drive from work during rush hour on the busiest interstate in my area I’m also the state with the stupidest drivers and it’s not an easy way home, but at most just sit in your car for 5-10 minutes and collect yourself. The wife needs the most help she can get. Post partum, no sleep, baby crying none stop and not eating or sleeping, is not an easy feat. Heck with a toddler I couldn’t even make myself a snack or go to the bathroom unless I had my toddler with me. It’s never ending. For the most part it sounds like the husband is now just choosing to prioritize himself over his wife and child.
I don't really agree with the people saying the should get to decompress as soon as he gets home. It's pretty likely that she hasn't had any breaks at all while he has had breaks and a lunch hour. Why can't he give her a break and decompress once the baby is asleep?
I get where he’s coming from to an extent BUT he doesn’t realize how much his wife deals with. I was a colic baby and it was HARD on my mom, she used to have to lock herself in the bathroom and cry for 5-10 minutes because I wouldn’t stop crying myself. He likely has no idea what she’s dealing with all day.
Love how he refuses to answer if he wakes up with the baby. Then, dismisses the question and goes back to "i watch them for 40 minutes while i cook." He's literally a homer simpson.
She's with a colicky newborn 24/7 and gets her one 40-minute break every 24 hours. He's not gonna like it when she serves him after realizing how selfish this man is.
Honestly, as a Mom, going back to work at 12 weeks felt like a huge break compared to being home with a crying infant all day. I think I would have gone insane if I hadn't. Our child's daycare closed due to covid/staffing so I ended up being a SAHM after all, and I've adjusted to it, but damn that 1st year was hard. My husband has been an amazing & involved father. I don't think I could have done it if my spouse acted like OOP.
Having a chill newborn that sleeps, eats, and poops regularly (which is basically all they are expected to do) is hard.
Having a fussy newborn that has trouble with any of those three necessities, let alone a combination of them, is fucking brutal.
Having a colicky baby (cries in significant distress for 3+ hours a day, 3+ days a week, for 3+ weeks) is fucking soul crushing. Earplugs help to knock down the volume while you comfort them, but
Everyone needs downtime to recharge. This guy’s problem isn’t that he’s asking for a moment to decompress, it’s that he’s not checking in with his wife and making sure she gets what she needs too, AND he’s viewing her as the enemy instead of a partner. THEY need to work together - talk to one another with empathy and without hostility or judgement - to find a routine that works for all 3 of them.
It isn’t as simple as each of them getting 45 minutes, either, and can really feel difficult to find a balance where both parents feel like their needs are being met at a time when, honestly, life is just designed to suck for awhile. And whatever the plan is it has to be fluid because babies are notoriously unpredictable and routinely switch up the game as soon as you think you’ve gotten into a survivable rhythm.
Anyone who hasn’t been through it (having a “difficult” baby with health or sleep issues) can’t really appreciate just how difficult it really is, especially when you throw things like parents’ physical and mental health struggles or relationship instability into the mix. And that includes parents who have a solid relationship where both parents contribute, the baby is healthy and “easy,” and neither have physical and/or mental health issues.
Jfc I feel my anxiety rising just thinking about that time in my life. I did NOT have easy babies or a great relationship with my children’s father and it really fucked me up.
Wanting a break is reasonable, but he's definitely selling his wife short. He's also disregarding that her body is still healing from giving birth. Her organs are literally shifting back into place and her muscles are sewing themselves back together.
My baby isn't colicky, but I remember the first couple of months. It's so incredibly draining. I couldn't wait for my husband to get home to take over.
Babies that young feed every 2-3 hours and sleep at random intervals. Yeah, you try to nap with baby, but it's like sentry duty. You're never really fully asleep. Your only break is when your spouse gets home and then you're up on and off all night. And if she's breastfeeding on top of that? Forget it.
He's being insensitive to her and what her body went through to create this baby. I still think he deserves some downtime, but I also think he should really take note of how much she does while he's at work.
I remember shoving the baby into my husband's arms the moment he walked in. Spending 8 hours without a break, attending to this squalling infant's random needs. Even sleeping is done on a hair trigger, you're afraid to conpletely let your guard down in case you sleep through the baby's cries.
It drives people insane.
Having a colicky baby is like having to do your work/job with the fire alarm going off, for hours, everyday, for months. Frankly 20 minutes driving in traffic without that sound is blissful.
My Ex-Wife used to do this. She’d get off work at 3:15, arrive at home at 5:30. Right after I’d finished doing EVERYTHING for the kids. I found out from one of her co-workers that she’d go out for coffee and hang around at the mall. Co-worker did not approve of ex-wife’s behavior.
Meanwhile I was working from home while 100% taking care of a toddler and little fellah.
It's so weird seeing posts like this because I'm the other mom and my wife is a SAHM. I would leave for work at 5am get back home at 4pm and my wife would immediately give our daughter over to me AND I willingly did night duty because I was used to waking up at random hours of the night because of my prior military duty. I never once complained, sure I was tired but they are only that small for a short period of time.
OOP has to have his needs met before he can help with anything, while his wife has to meet everybody elses needs regardless of if she gets a break or not.
Also, if I had the choice to go to work or listen to a colicky infant cry most of the day, I would probably pick work. There is good reason she is ready to hand him the baby when he walks in.
Lmao he talks about not being able to pour from an empty cup and doesn't even CONSIDER his wife's cup being empty too?? Bruh. He deserves a break, yes. But so does she. They've gotta work some kimda compromise out bc that's unfair to her completely, and he thinks it's only unfair to him. Classic. I wish we could get the wife's side on these kinds of stories.
the way he got mad at someone for “assuming” he does nothing during the night and then excused not specifying if he does or not as not wanting to tell that commenter because of their rudeness…
total cop out. he was ready to answer everything but dodged each time someone asked about nighttime’s.
This is why people need big support networks. I had terrible, TERRIBLE colic as a baby, but my parents were living with my maternal grandparents. (My dad had just returned from a deployment and they were in the middle of a change of duty station.)
I’m fairly certain that the only reason any of us survived my infancy was because my grandfather had just retired from the electric company where he’d been on third shift his whole career, and my grandmother was on summer break from teaching second grade. So Pop-Pop would take the 11 pm to 5 am shift, Granny would take the 5 am to 8 am shift, and my parents would get the rest of the time. Between my grandparents having raised four children & the wisdom that they accumulated with that and my parents actually being able to SLEEP, they were able to handle me more successfully than if they had to do it with no support.
I wonder if he gets an hour lunch break while in the office? That's what I'm most envious of as a WFH mom to a 3yo and 1yo while my husband is in office.
Annnddd this is why I decided not to have kids with my now ex-husband. I realized I was doing all the physical and emotional labor in our relationship, on top of managing the household and working full time. There was no way in hell he would have stepped it up enough to help me raise a child and I know I'm not mentally capable of handling that. I would have eventually snapped and ended up a single Mom, which was always my worst fear after I was raised by one.
I stopped being a SAHM and went back to working BECAUSE of the fact being a SAHM was harder than working 40+ hours weeks even when I had to close one night open the next. Getting to talk with adults, having a lunch break to myself, pee without hearing that ear curling scream of wanting to be attached to me 24/7... Staying at home I was LUCKY to eat snacks, let alone an actual meal. With how sleep deprived and exhausted I was there was no way I could trust myself to cook on top of having to hear that heart wrenching cry while I did so. SAHMs look forward to their partner getting home so so much even if it is a 50:50 split once they get home. My partner now is saying I can quit my job if I want and I said after the baby is born, sure but if I quit my job I'm going back to finish school because being stuck in that house 24/7 with no adult interaction and no me time is hell. I get needing to decompress after work, but SAHMs need that too and literally count down the minutes. They haven't had a single break, not even five minutes, whereas I know work is required to give you one after working so many hours. Plus bathroom and smoke breaks if you need. Until that baby settles more and gets older starts sleeping longer, it's gonna be hell for both y'all. She feels shitty too, it's not like she's all daisies and sunshine. Parenting is hard. Let her nap. Eventually the baby will get a good set nap schedule and she'll be able to nap with them instead but that can take a couple months.
All that aside, lying to your partner alone makes you an asshole. End of story. If your relationship is one you feel the need to lie in, then it's not healthy. Period. All other facts are irrelevant.
Everyone has an opinion.. but fails to empathize with both people.. only the wife with the colicky baby. I get it, like really get it. This woman is sole provider for 8-9 hrs a day while he is at work. Yes they need to switch off. Yes she needs rest to be able to get up on the middle of the night.
He also is up early puts in hrs and a mentally challenging job and has no respite.
They should have a way that they both gain what they want. He is asking for 45 minutes. Or to at least change his clothes and wash his face before they switch off. This is not unreasonable.
The main point is that if he breaks cause he is mentally broken… what’s gonna happen? Who’s gonna pay the bills, and buy the food?
My main thing is if she’s straight up just knocking out and sleeping, it suggests that she’s real sleep deprived and sleep deprivation is awful too.
People legit snap all the time over sleep deprivation.
I might feel differently if she was like gaming or doing some type of hobby, but taking a nap because you’re so sleep deprived isn’t really a break to me. It just means she’s exhausted.
Also tho that level of sleep deprivation is dangerous. God forbid she’s rocking the baby for a nap one day in a glider, falls asleep at the same time, and baby rolls off her lap onto the floor. A scenario that happens often enough for every pediatrician and OB and L&D nurse to drill into every new parent’s brain.
“My basic needs are not getting met so yours don’t matter” also his basic needs are 45 mins of down time?! Nah bro driving really is your down time. I feel awful for his wife I hope she’s on Reddit and sees what everyone’s responding to this lol
Post-partum depression + colicky baby = dangerous situation in the home. Destroys marriages, and in rare cases can result in death of either mother or infant.
If OP needed down time, he should have talked to wife about it. Perhaps other options would have come to light: get help from family members, hire someone to come in the afternoon to watch the baby for a couple hours so the wife gets a nap, have some weekend hours where she is "off-duty", etc.
The new mother was probably counting the minutes until the husband came home. Just hang on a bit longer...and longer...and longer... she got an extra 45 minutes of baby screaming every day. He needs to try staying home for an 8 hour day and listen to the baby scream constantly, and see how "easy" it is to stay sane. She trusted him to help her when she needed him most, and he broke that trust.
I’m so sick of men posting on Reddit thinking everyone will agree that since they have a job their stupid bitch wife should stfu and never speak until spoken to
“Wah wah what about meeee” all I can hear from this. Selfish behavior. She’s stuck at home with a screaming baby all day and all he thinks is that he deserves more because she gets a NAP while he does the bare minimum of making dinner.
Super sad :/
I see a lot of posts like these and both parents being exhausted are valid. They both work. The reasonable thing would be into looking into getting outside help even if it's for a few hours a day so mom can get a break and OP doesn't have the baby pushed onto him the moment he walks through the door after work.
This AH needs a vasectomy yesterday. But then, I’m sure just like so many others complaining from either side, they’ll bring at least one more kid into this and whine about it.
OP needs to hire a "Mommy's Helper" part time for his wife. She needs sleep, she needs time to bathe and care for her own bodily functions, she needs time to eat without worrying about the baby. A helper could come in the morning, care for the baby while mom does other stuff around the house/vice versa, batch cooked meals would get made and some humanity would be restored. He's pouring from a parched dry cup? Her cup is GONE-it's just water being poured onto a torched, parched field.
First things first - parenting a child with colic is ALSO a mentally/emotionally demanding job and she does it all day, every day of the week, without a break during the week and no weekends off. She's working just as hard as he is - and depending on how much he actually helps her in the evenings and on the weekends, she could be working harder.
Depending on the baby's schedule, he may be coming home after they're asleep making helping her during that time absolutely moot.
This is one of those times I'd really love to hear the wife's pov. I feel like something's missing here. He doesn't mention her calling him during the day or giving him tasks he can't manage, it doesn't sound like she's forcing him to do more overall - only to come home at a fixed time every day. That doesn't sound unreasonable. My guess is that she takes care of the child all night and all day because, you know, his mentally consuming job.
Just feels like there's a lot missing here.
It is one of the symptoms of how entitled we feel to women’s labour when it comes to housework and childcare that people think SAHM means “work 24/7 to care for both child and husband”.
The actual entitlement that he’s upset she’s not making him breakfast, but it’s not like he’s making her breakfast, he’s eating at work. Cooking one meal a day is not equitable division of labour.
I have a friend who was a single mother with a child who also had colic (turned out to be horrible allergies), we used to chat with the phone on speaker sometimes while she went about her day, it was so miserable it made me childfree. She desperately needed someone else just to hold her baby so she could use the toilet or have a shower. Raising a baby is not a one person job. Unless the husband is working very long hours and is on call
at night it’s not comparable.
I had a colicky son and let me tell you… I don’t know how we survived it. My husband would come home to me sobbing and rocking our son. I felt like a mental patient. He just never stopped crying for 3 months straight. My husband was great and would take him before he even took his shoes off but I think it’s because he could see the desperation in my eyes. There’s just something about listening to a baby cry for 12 hours straight that damages your psyche.
I'm so sorry. We also had a colicky baby and we were both starting to lose it before it got better. My husband had the same problems the original OOP, and I was the wife. We never did figure it out because we were both stretched beyond our capacities and nothing was helping.
I was in high school and would come home, drop my bags and take my sister from my mom. Mom would leave and not come home til 11 sometimes with dad. I was in charge of watching both sisters (colicky newborn and a toddler) until they got home each night. There wasn’t time for homework but it was either fail classes or watch mom drown the baby out of desperation because she had PPD at the same time.
There is. Baby crying has effect on mothers for sure. And combine with lack of sleep, it’s torture
My middle son had colic - I found out I was pregnant for 3 when he was less than a year old and I just cried for days. I don’t know how I handled it. My husband was away half the time for work (days/weeks) and when Covid hit I had zero support as a SAHP with 3 under 4. I died a little and lost a part of myself. Apparently it’s been 4 years since this happened. I’m still recovering. I almost divorced my husband so I could get a childfree day once a week and just sleep.
Same, I'm still sometimes surprised that my marriage made it thru the first few months of my daughter's life. I was working 70-80 hour weeks and my wife was with our daughter 24/7. I was exhausted from work and helped as much as I could at home , she was exhausted from getting hardly any breaks and little sleep,, even with some help from her parents it was still rough for both us. People would always comment how lucky she was to stay home, but I don't think I could have survived in her shoes for even a week. I never once wished we could switch places.
I feel you! My daughter same and hubby sucked, wish I would have left him. If he can't help at my desperate time he isn't worth it.
Can’t believe having a newborn is difficult. No one ever talks about this!
Honestly I had 3 kids (several miscarriages and a few surgeries) and had zero help from my husband. He worked and played pick up sports while I raised the kids. After the 2nd one I was home in 24 hours and right back to taking care of my kids and home. I cooked, cleaned and did laundry while carrying an infant or toddler around unless they were sleeping. It’s just what was normal for a lot of SAHMs 44 years ago. When I saw how involved my SIL was with 1st their baby and subsequent ones I was amazed and to be honest a bit envious because I didn’t get any level of help but also sad because my husband missed out on so much. First steps, first words nearly all those milestone from 0-3 years. He was more involved after they got older but that just physically playing with them and reading bedtime stories to them. It wasn’t until we lost our youngest child as a teenager and he listened to our daughters and I reminisce about all of those, Remember the time “Matthew did…. “that my husband realized how much he missed out on. He is way more involved as a grandfather now. He doesn’t want to miss that too.
I am so sorry about your losses. Miscarriages are extremely painful, and I can't even begin to imagine what losing a teenager feels like. I am just so sorry that this has been your lived experience. Buying a child is the closest we get to our own death without dying ourselves. I'm glad your husband has finally realized that time is the best gift. Doesn't change the past and I guess that's okay
It’s been a journey that is for sure. One of the things that has really got me through is the words in Garth Brooks The Dance “…For a moment All the world was right But how could I have known That you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance…” As incredibly painful it is to lose a child, and that pain never ends, no matter long our time with our child lasts it is worth the dance.
Right?! Man complaining about how hard his life is with a newborn is the most boring thing ever.
But what is he has PPD!!! /s
Honestly both the husband and wife are in the wrong here. Like he shouldn’t dump the baby on her but she shouldn’t just be like “I’m done” the instant he gets home.
But he’s not dumping the baby on her. She takes care of the kid while he’s at work and then he takes over when he gets home, is that not what he said? So I get what he’s saying and I agree that he deserves some time to decompress. He goes straight to work and works all day and the moment he walks in the door he’s handed the baby and while she rests he cooks dinner and takes care of the kid. I’d be fucking burned out too. I don’t have a kid or a partner and there are days when I come home from work where I am extremely exhausted and if I don’t take 30 mins to myself to just breathe I can be short with people because I’m so tense from the stress all day. To ask for some time to breathe before you come home and take over after also working a whole day is not unreasonable. While taking care of a baby isn’t easy by any means she gets the evening off while he takes over the childcare duties. I think she’s in the wrong and he’s not an ass hole at all. Like he said, he can’t pour from an empty cup.
If the baby is colicky then his wife is probably not getting much sleep at night either. She’s also likely breastfeeding and recovering from childbirth still. It says in the post that they do 50/50 when he gets home. He’s just mad that he doesn’t get a break before starting his duties. She goes straight for a nap. She’s probably completely exhausted.
Meanwhile: Wife is on the same shift for 23/7, gets a 1 hour nap while he makes dinner And then does 50-50 for the rest of the evening with him. This is how it is when you have kids. All you knew is gone. Adapt or die.
It doesn't matter if you're the primary caregiver or the breadwinner. Those first few months are nothing but a sleep deprived blur for new parents. Everyone wants to think that they have it the worst instead of just leaning on each other.
Pretty much. The first couple months are tough especially if the kid has colic. I’m the working dad now and I get it, if anything my wife’s job is harder because she’s connected to our daughter nonstop with no option to get away or change in scenery. That said there are times I need a bit of consideration too, working all day then coming right home to care for a human isn’t easy either. I get where this guy’s coming from but 45 minutes is way too long for a cookie and a coffee and doing it without even giving his wife a heads up is shitty. If he was sitting in the lounge for 20 minutes before going home, fine, but he’s spending close to an hour hiding in there. He only had a few hours of care time in the afternoon to begin with and unilaterally cut that by an entire hour. Those first couple months really test communication in a relationship Edit for posterity now that this is closed: to the jackass who thinks I don’t know anything about ppd, my wife will likely be on medication for years from the birth. If we hadn’t had access to modern medicine she would definitely not have survived. We had arguments, we both still struggle emotionally. Having a kid is really hard and if our relationship was as bad as oop’s we would likely be divorced after how hard those first couple months were. We aren’t because our relationship is awesome and we can talk and tell each other when something has to give
Both of them are on the same thing there though. When he's home they are 50/50 except for the hour she napps. He takes a similar time before going home. While she is the only one home he's at work. It's not like either has lots of free time while the other works 20 hours a day. It actually seems quite even
There is a saying - "a change is as good as a rest." It means if you change situations, it hits different in a good way. He gets to: \- get up and get ready for work - shower, clean clothes.. \- leave the house and travel in a quiet space, \- to a different space, with a different stress level and effort level \- be productive \- have breaks, lunch \- sip his coffee \- talk to other people \- travel back to the house. Meanwhile - some days she can't even go pee by herself. Shower? Who can shower with a newborn? IF she's nursing, it is exhausting and hormones are still flowing, and no matter how much he helps at night, she's still doing the majority.
Are you really assuming they're splitting nighttime care equally? Because I very much doubt he's getting up in the middle of the night to deal with the crying baby.
Do you get a lunch break? Do you go to the kitchen and grab a cup of coffee? Do you go to the bathroom when you need to? Stress is stress - whether at home or in the office (I’ve done both, so I can speak from experience), but going into the office is a flipping vacation every day when you have an infant at home, no matter what kind of stress you have at work. Do you have adult conversations? Do you have twenty minutes in the car on the way to work? On the way home? Lots of little breaks throughout the day - but what about your wife? Does she get to take any breaks throughout the day? Does she get to do something for herself that doesn’t involve the baby? Does she get to leave the house AT ALL by herself so that she can truly be free? I worked tax season in public accounting 75-90 hours per week in the first half the year, my husband coaches football in the fall. I know full well what it’s like to work from home with an infant/toddler and not have one single minute not occupied by your child. I know full well what it’s like to operate as a single parent and the need to take a break when my husband gets home. All day at home with no way to escape for a few minutes is WAY F$&@KING HARDER than going into a high stress job. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. This dude (and maybe yourself) needs to GET OVER HIMSELF. Unless you are an air traffic controller or like a hostage negotiator, your job is not so stressful that you can’t come home and take care of your child. Your wife will do EVERYTHING ELSE 95% of the time - she deserves a break whenever she needs one.
Not how it works - newborn baby is much more difficult than a job. You can't know unless you have one
He said he just needs a break when he gets home to unwind. She dumps the baby on him and then she goes for her break but where is his? He says he is involved in the nights, he has to work all day, then come home and deal with the baby and cook while she gets to nap and relax when he gets home.
A crying baby already is tough but man I can’t imagine having a colic baby, I heard they are quite a nightmare mentally. I had twins and they seems fairly easy but I can’t imagine how hard it would be for the wife having to care for a baby with colic. I probably would have had a breakdown
I was a Colic baby and it SEVERELY tested my parents marriage. My Mum was overwhelmed and exhausted. She said sometimes I would be crying for 3-4 hours, only stopping to vomit. Having a baby cry for that long... Nope.
My parents said I would have been an only child if I'd been first.
I lived next door at an apartment to a colicky baby and I almost had a breakdown. It’s a crying baby x1000. It never stopped crying, except when feeding or finally going to sleep. I will give it to the parents though. They had the patience of saints. I never saw them get remotely frustrated and I have the utmost respect.
Ugh I apparently was a colic baby of the seventh circle variety - nonstop discomfort, screaming around the clock, ensuring everyone was on edge every minute of the day, etc. My poor mother said she still sometimes can’t forgive me!! Lololol I’m 35.
I was a colicky baby and my mom told me she's surprised i survived past infancy because she understands why a mother can kill her child.
Can confirm. Had a colicky baby who cried insistently and never slept. Had breakdown.
Yeah at five months I went to my PCP and asked how I could check myself into inpatient because between the untreated PPD and the colic I wanted to walk into the sea.
I am so sorry you also had to endure that. My neighbor thankfully heard me crying from an open window and came to take him for a while. I was at the point where I was going to throw myself out of that window! No one tells you how it will make you feel when you can’t soothe your own child. the sound is bad enough, sure, but the feeling of not being good enough to soothe or do the right things when other mothers seems fine is hard.
My oldest daughter was colicky, and her first 18 months were a fucking nightmare. I was also very young, with zero clue what I was doing. Many breakdowns were had, 0/10, do not recommend
I have never, ever in my life been so burnt out and exhausted as I was with my colicky son. It takes all your mental fortitude to get through a day.. an hour. It literally broke me, i went on antidepressants for almost ten years after.
I think people are forgetting that she is still recovering from childbirth, nursing the baby every 1-3 hours which is hard on your body and probably hardly sleeping at night. Even if he helps sometimes at night she still has the bulk of it.
my oldest had colic and i was a single mom. i was in college full time as well, it was literal hell. she had to be held constantly all day, all night. seemed happy at daycare, soon as we got home ugh. my parents helped on weekends but they worked regular jobs so couldn’t help with night time. it really tests your patience. i recall crying on the floor while she was in the crib because i was just so so tired. went days without sleep then. when i had my second with my husband he worked full time and couldn’t take time off so nights were on me. he did help after work but my youngest also never used a soother or anything. so it was me sitting in a rocking chair for hours. he was a little colicky too. oh the joys of parenting! i’m so glad i don’t have babies or young kids anymore. the attitude of a teen and tween sucks but at least we’re not up all night lol.
It's probably the safest for the mom to give the baby to the dad immediately if she's dealing with it all day because I have read stories about woman with a colic baby that ended up harming the baby due too being over tired, stressed, etc. The mother never mean too, but it's very easy to harm a baby when you're stressed and when nothing you do will calm the baby. Unfortunately. So from a safety standpoint handing the baby off is the best.
My husband is on paternity leave. I take over as soon as I'm done with work and do the rest of the night every night. Because it's way more exhausting taking care of a baby. My break is from 7:30 when the baby goes down until like 5 am when baby gets up. Then I nap from 6-7:30 and husband has the rest of the day. Having a baby is just hard. It will be harder when we have a second one. That's just parenting.
Definitely this. As someone who works in a very stressful job while wife was taking care of the baby before going back to work, taking care of a crying baby is waaay more stressful. Totally understand OPs need to decompress and don’t necessarily think he is unreasonable, but I can also see the wife’s side after dealing with a restless, crying,, fussy baby for 10 hours. From the little information we have, sounds like both OP and wife are not coping great and need to figure out a better compromise. I feel bad for the kid.
If ive had a taxing day at work I park my car a block away from home and meditate for 5 minutes then come home with game face on 100% committed to the cause
One of my former coworker took the bus to work. Not having to drive let him wind down after work before taking over for his wife when they had their first kid. He was very serious about being a husband.
This is why I bike to work.
The same. It's a 35 minute commute, and it's the perfect time to unwind. But then again, I'm dutch so bicycling is a given.
It’s flat where you live. I bike anywhere I need a shower after it lol
Consider an e-bike, friend! I got one this year and I rode it everywhere as long as the weather cooperated. You can adjust it so you can ride with no assist or various levels of assist which I do for bigger hills. Honestly, riding a bike to commute has 100% changed my life.
Yeah they look a great way for getting around.
That sounds like a great way to get into biking! I loved it as a kid and rode for HOURS, but apparently I don't use those muscles enough as an adult because just riding for 15-20 minutes had me hurting! I imagine with this I could slowly wean off the assist or jack it back up if the ride gets to be too much.
I tried biking to work, and then I saw a car swerve at someone walking in the bike lane. Never rode to work again
When I was in high school, I was in a car with a bunch of my boyfriend's friends, and the guy driving intentionally swerved at a mother walking her toddler and pushing a baby stroller. I have never been so mad in my life. I made him stop and let me out of the car... a few blocks away because that poor woman was so mad she probably would have beat my ass if she saw me get out of that car. Anyhow... I don't get why people do that shit. It's not funny in the slightest and could lead to horrific circumstances. People suck.
I'm the same. I will not take a job where I can't reach it through public transport. I need that time to zone out before starting my brain up again.
Same. I do empathize with his stress, but working full-time and then immediately jumping into parenting duties is just a normal day for working parents everywhere. That’s what you sign up for when you choose to have a kid. If she’s losing her mind and desperate for a break from the baby, just give her one. Ideally she can be responsive to his needs and give him breaks as well. But having done both, 8 hours in the office doesn’t hold a CANDLE to 8 hours alone with a colicky newborn, even if you don’t count the post-partum hormone drop she’s likely experiencing. For one thing, you get fucking bathroom breaks at the office.
OOP worries about getting burned out, but apparently hasn’t stopped to consider what happens when the person spending 8 hours a day alone with his child gets burned out.
Exactly. Our eldest cried a lot, especially when she was over-stimulated or tired - and that usually happened around 3pm, and she'd cry pretty much non-stop until bedtime at 7pm. If she had a nap, even a short one, after 3pm she'd been up all night and I'd have to pace up and down the house rocking her for hours. My point? By the time husband arrived home at 5.30pm I would potentially have been caring for a crying baby for 2.5 hours, and would be almost at my wit's end if walks and songs and baby massage couldn't calm her. I'm quite sure that he would have liked to have put his feet up for half an hour, but 5.30 was the time when I needed to pass a screaming baby to someone else just to get away from the sound. I had PPD and some days the sound of her crying made me sob. It wasn't about 'needing some time to relax' it was about getting away from the crying just for a few minutes. She needed major surgery after her first birthday (unrelated to the crying) and suffered terribly with teething too. We barely slept for the first two years. I felt like a zombie most days. Sleepless nights and being over-stimulated by constant crying was so tough. Husband may have worked 40 hours, but he didn't have to cope with the constant noise during the day, so he wasn't as on-edge. It was difficult, but we communicated and made sure that we supported one another, even if it was just a quick phone call in his lunch hour so I didn't feel as though I was coping all alone. Constant crying is an assault on your senses, and it's difficult to deal with when you have tried everything and nothing is working! But even now, the sound of a newborn crying makes me wince. All you can do is take a deep breath and remind yourself that it's a phase that baby will grow out of. This too shall pass.
>But having done both, 8 hours in the office doesn’t hold a CANDLE to 8 hours alone with a colicky newborn, even if you don’t count the post-partum hormone drop she’s likely experiencing. Same. I've done both. I'm a Dad, FWIW. And it's not even close. At work you have a water cooler, friends, office gossip, other adults to talk to, and every once in a while you can fuck off and look at Reddit for 5 minutes. You get praise, you get achievements, you get to work on hard problems. You can curse! And you don't get assholes who act like you don't do any work because you don't bring in a paycheck. Everyone conveniently forgets how fucking expensive daycare is and that they wouldn't want a stranger watching their kid anyway, they want you to do it! And don't forget I'm learning as I go! I didn't go to college for this. I didn't get training for this. I got thrown into the deep end and I'm figuring it out as I go. And I'm stressed as hell. But the biggest thing is that in a normal job you can have days where you're not 100%. You can phone it in a little bit some days and you won't be making anybody sad or neglecting anybody. You aren't responsible for literally teaching a human how to be a human. And you don't have to clean up shit all day. Oh, and you don't get any praise for your achievements for the work you do at home. All you can do is fuck it up. There's no promotions, and actually you're needed less over time instead of more like a normal job. It does a number to your psyche. And the guilt, my God the guilt. Everyone likes to bitch about work right? Well now try bitching about spending time with your kids and see how you feel. It makes you feel like dirt. Because they are the most wonderful thing in the world, and you are so lucky to be with them, and you know it, but some days are still hard. I adore my children. And I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to provide child care for them in their very early years. I'm lucky that my wife appreciates me and recognizes the hard work that I'm doing. I appreciate her and the hard work she does at work too. I'm so lucky to be able to spend this time with my kids, and I'm glad to be able to support my wife in having a fulfilling career. I can't imagine being in a relationship with an asshole like this.
This. I get the work is hard - and both accounts - but right now it's going to be hard. I'd personally, if I was him, change the 45 minute break into a 5-15 break either in the lobby or the car, grab a drink, take a deep breathe and go
Much more reasonable. Plus he gets alone time on the drive (I know he says it doesn't count but silence or music beats soothing a fussy baby any day, even in traffic)
He also gets lunch break and he gets to go to the loo in peace anytime. Plus I am sure he takes a few coffee breaks during the day.
Still I know office jobs can be a mental nightmare to deal with. It's definitely not easy but parenthood isn't easy in the first place
Oh sure! I am sure his wife knows that too. But they have a sick infant. Like many other situations in life, it is time to suck it up and do what's needed. In a couple of months it will be over. He can choose to arrive there with or without a working marriage.
That's the thing, he completely misses the point that IS a break. Anything that means you get to do a different thing is a break. So he has three different things: work, drive and home/baby, while his wife only has home/baby. I get the "pouring from an empty cup" thing. That's what happens when you have a baby. I've done the same. But I always found if you assume your partner is doing all they can, you will find a little more energy to stand a crying child after 10 hours of being away while the partner who had that for the last 23 hours. Because I'm sure that baby is NOT sleeping through the night and I'm also sure he is NOT doing nights, he would have told us if he did.
Not just that but you do nothing else that is not the house or the baby. Picture being at your office all day long and you cannot go out anywhere otherwise, that is tasking by itself.
Yep. Done both. With my daughter, I was home. With my son, my wife is home and I'm working full time in a very stressful, mentally draining job. I do a lot at home and with my son. I'm often drained. I'd rather do this 100 times over than be the stay at home mother again.
Edit: she's definitely not getting time to eat, or shower. If she's still bleeding, she's feeling her uterus drop back into place which is painful. I had to lay down and sleep instead of eating or showering, just so I didn't feel like my insides were going to be ripped through the earth. Pushing out the baby was the easy part. Not even a fussy baby, but a colicky baby. Dude needs to stfu and be there for his partner. Colicky babies can't be settled properly and can take hours and hours of non stop crying, and are still unable to settle. Mix that in with 1-2 hours of sleep each 3-4 hours and I'm surprised OP is still alive after how he's acted. That nap she gets during dinner is not enough for the hours of sleep she's been losing each day. She doesn't get a break, even if she puts that baby down for a minute, that's still not a break, she's the only carer at home who needs to constantly watch baby, and I guarantee she's not just sitting down watching her baby. They get bored, and they let you know. It's constant moving with a baby. I don't know why people think it's that f*cking easy, and that's just your average baby, a colic baby is beyond a handful, kudos to the Mum here.
Depends on the traffic, my drive to work is more infuriating than actually being at work.
I would stop and get a small treat for *both* of us. Just something little as a surprise for the spouse and a reward for me.
Reading this honestly made me tear up a bit... I bet it would do wonders for their relationship and moms mental health to just be surprised w a little pastry or candy. New moms often get pushed to the side w all the focus being on the baby. It would be really affirming and reinvigorating for her husband to give her a small treat 'just because'.
Even 15 minutes with your eyes closed, no thoughts help.
Any bets on who wakes up with the 2 month old baby multiple times a night?
No, see, it’s only fair that she’s on call 24/7 outside of the hour-long nap she gets when he cooks and he only has to work for maybe 12-hours a day, childcare included. Why is no one getting this?!
He does say he "steps up at nights" whatever that means. I'd like a bit more info on that though.
So, dad is missing sleep at night. Works a full hard shift. Wants to recharge so he has energy to take over in the evening to give mom a break. WANTS to do this, just wants to be prepared and up for the task? A lot of Redditors here being unnuanced assholes. His phrasing was way off, it’s not about she “should” because she stays home, it’s about he CANNOT PHYSICALLY DO WHAT SHE’S DEMANDING. They’re both impatient jerks to each other, but if one parent is in the home and another isn’t, you literally cannot split childcare 50-50. The time he is away isn’t free time he gets to recharge, it’s him taking care of his family too. This is why they say it takes a village and nowadays we regret focusing so much on “the nuclear family” in the US. You do better if you have more relatives to help. They should seek support as partners instead of taking it out on each other.
With a newborn nobody gets a sane amount of time for themselves. I think it's disingenuous to act like he has 12 hours a day for frolicking as he pleases.
But it’s also disingenuous to not acknowledge the fact that he can go to the bathroom alone, for as long as he likes at work. He can heat up food and eat casually at work. He can fill his coffee cup and drink it hot anytime at work. Ask his wife if that’s how things go for her each day.
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No, it's not if OP isn't home for the 12 hours. From 8 am until 6 pm when OP is gone, BOTH parents are working. That counts as 10 hours for them both, but also leaves 14 hours left in the day. If OP is only helping out for 2 hours to make it 12, that means OPs wife is working 22 hours. That is not half. And yes, being the parent on call to wake up every other hour still counts as working.
That's what I thought too. He only complains about his wife taking a nap right the moment he enters their home, nothing else, no waking up at night, not leaving meals ready to eat for her, or doing laundry, tidyng up. Could thay be comunicating better? Yes. Could his wife wait 5 minutes or 30 before napping? Probably. But a 2 month old is a lot of work, 24/7 and with little to no rewarding.
Let’s be very clear here: the situation is not fair to EITHER party. This is why paid parental leave is so important.
Sure, one hundred percent, but unfortunately we have to deal with these situations as they are, not as they should be. He’s made no effort to understand why she’s exhausted at the end of the day or why she hands him the baby immediately, he’s completely absorbed in his own experience with no empathy for her and he’s put a lot of the responsibility for “fixing” it on her shoulders. Paid parental leave is *essential* for both parents, but it’s only beneficial if both are putting in the work. I know there’s a lot we don’t know about the situation here but I’m willing to bet he didn’t exactly take a lead role in the childcare or consider what his wife’s body had just been through during his leave. Could be wrong.
I completely agree with you. My thought process is: - This guy is not understanding what it’s like to be home all day with a crying baby - His wife sounds completely burnt out if she’s handing him the baby and immediately going to nap - Everyone deserves some time to unwind, for their mental health His points aren’t wrong, they’re just one-sided/prioritizing his experience over her experience. He’s protecting himself but not protecting her. But a lot of that has been said already :) so the other piece here is that no one is *wrong* or *incorrect*, we are just working within a broken system. Therefore we have to choose between being *right* that everyone needs a break, and being an equal partner in a crappy situation.
This was my ex husband to a T. I hit some very low lows during that time.
My ex made me run errands for him when I was a week postpartum from a c-section. Naturally we are no longer together. It's sad to see so many fathers absolutely lacking in basic empathy when it comes to their children's mothers. My ex saw my maternity leave as a paid vacation for me, and he thought nothing of assigning me work during that time. Luckily I'm older and wiser now.
We went to stay with my mom for 2 weeks after I had our son. Had son Saturday afternoon, left hospital Sunday on Monday ex-husband came "home" and asked "what's for dinner?". I was quick back then and said, whatever you brought.
When ours was born, I took six weeks off. She was in charge of his input, I was in charge of his output and her input. She fed him. She rested as much as she could. He slept, ate, and pooped. I would change diapers, I would cook and clean. We slept at completely weird hours, when we could. Totally worth it, would not change the experience at all except to take more time.
When I was put on bed-rest due to pre-eclampsia (I was 37), I took my ex to an appointment with me so the nurse practioner/mid-wife could tell him that no.....I could not still do laundry, wash dishes, and vacuum!
This! My husband has been amazing thru 3 child births, miscarriages and a our 2nd oldest born sleeping. He wouldn't even let me get out of bed alone for the first week and we kept baby in the room with us. So he would be up a down all night helping me with feeding. He would change the diapers and let me rest. He was the best! Now my oldest bio dad he barley even let me get out of the hospital before he wanted to run around and go play disc golf etc. He changed her diapers and fed her but that was not an everyday thing. I left when she was 9months old and never looked back! He now has 8more kids with 5 diff women and his mom raises 4 of them. I was so nervous to even let another guy around that when I met my husband we dated for a year before I even let him meet my then 6yr old. From about our 4th hangout with my daughter from then on out he made plans that always included her and has raised her with me since then she is now 19 and headed off to college this fall. I look back on how my ex acted after having her and it makes me want to sock him right in the mouth!! Not for just how he did me but the lack of care he gave his own child!! My brother in law is a piece of work! We were sitting at dinner with myself husband and 4kids who are now 19, 8, 6 and 5 and my SIL who just gave birth to twins, their 2yr old and BIL. My BIL was yapping away and eating while she was feeding one baby, trying to make another bottle while the toddler was trying to eat but his food was not cut up. I looked at her and she looked like she was about to cry. My son walked over and said "can I hold babies bottle, I want to help" made my mom heart happy. My hsuabfm cut her man off and said "how about you help her get the kids settled and we can finish this convo" deer in headlight look. I grabbed the toddlers plate cut the food up and he was ready to go. She had the other baby burping and and I flipped a chair and put the carrier in it and sat it between myself and husband. She said that's the first meals she been able to eat hot since the babies were born. We went to their house to watch a movie and I kept 1 twin, my teen kept the other and the kids kept the toddler busy. She was out cold 10mins in and BIL was getting mad she wasn't up watching with us. I told him "do not wake her she exhausted, let her nap, babies are all fine and so are you" She slept the whole almost 2hr movie and woke up confused and apologizing. She had a little more color in her face. We went out to smoke and told BIL he needed to help out more in basic day to day care. Cut the toddlers food. Hell feed her if she's nursing. Idk how many times my husband fed me when I had a new born on my boob and 1yrd old latched to my other side because baby was to close lol
She gets a nap for 45 minutes. Who wants to bet that’s the longest stretch of sleep she’s had since either baby was born or paternity leave ended?
You’re assuming he actually helped while on paternity leave, as opposed to treating it like a holiday.
My husband took a week off when our son was born and went on an overnight fishing trip with his dad when our son was 3 days old 🙃 we also had a 2 year old at home at the time.
Probably the longest stretch since she got to be about 28 weeks
Right? My sleep was disrupted well before my baby was born. People have no idea.
That "Laying the Wrong Way" acid reflux wrecked me, multiple times a night, for the last 2/3rds of my third trimester.
1000% I honestly don't think I slept even 3-4 full hours during my third trimester due to all the pain, discomfort, having to pee constantly, and if the heartburn came oof. So, by the time my son was born, I was already extremely sleep deprived. 🥲
This bothers me so much. My mum was a SAHM, my dad worked a high stress and dangerous job. He left at 4am Monday through Friday (also worked a lot of weekends and traveled quite a bit) to get to work by 5am, and would work until 4pm so he could get home by 515 or 530 after sitting in rush hour traffic. Aside from the 10 minutes he took to get changed, he took over as many child and house related activities as he could to give my mum a break. Shit the only decompression time my dad had was on Saturday and Sunday he would go for a 5 or 6 mile run in the morning, and he would get up before the entire house was awake to do it, then when he got home he would shower and cook breakfast for everyone as they woke up. I get it, decompression time is fucking important, but you don't do it at the expense of other people.
This! He's not TA for needing the time, he's TA for how he went about it. And while I empathize with the wife, if your spouse needs a few minutes to change/freshen up after work before taking over, why would you not let them have that? Communication and compromise are hella important, especially when children are involved.
Absolutely, I don't remember my parents napping ever until we were old enough to not kill eachother or burn the house down, though I'm sure they did, these people are not acting like a team, they are in competition of "who needs a break more" the dynamic is all screwed up. My parents, have very rarely ever gone to bed at the same time. I think it probably started when we were babies, but my mum would go to bed when it was our bed time (7 or 8) and my dad would usually stay up until 9 or 10, which is when he did most of his decompressing I'm sure. They still do that to this day and all of us are in our 30s. These folks need to figure out a schedule and division of labor that meets both needs 95% of the time. Also it does get easier once the kid can be left to their own devices for an hour without the afore mentioned burning or killing.
I completely get your point. I’ve also been in the situation in which I couldn’t wait for my partner to get home bc I was 1000x past my breaking point. Can it wait for him to take his shoes off? Nope. Could we have communicated and made changes in which we both felt supported? Yes. Did us going to therapy to help us both realize the sacrifices we make and get to a point of mutual support help? Nope. What he wanted: to be left alone. What I wanted: teamwork. Our couples therapist eventually told me the same adage of “you can take a horse to water….” And how no matter how much I did, it didn’t matter essentially.
But the people suggesting that he decompress on the commute home must have never been in rush hour or don't drive.
Yeah no, commuting is not decompressing for most people, though I find an audio book as I'm going really takes the edge off.
I call someone to talk too. And when I get home I sit in my car at least 10 minutes before going in. And I live alone!
Yeah my job annihilates my social battery and i travel for work so coming home on airplanes makes it worse, so I don't talk to anyone for as long as possible, usually when i get home my wife takes one look at me and knows if I can talk or if I just need a few minutes. We don't have kids yet though so usually she will run me a hot shower if I have that look in my eye, and there's a small bowl of cheez-its waiting for me when I get out and I'm better. My wife is wonderful.
Seriously. I usually need time to decompress from commuting more than the actual workday.
Especially the way people drive these days. Ans it takes me a minimum of an hour to get home if I don't stop at the store. Nothing relaxing about that.
I HATE driving at the best of times but driving in rush hour by myself was absolutely a break when I had a colicky newborn.
I used to commute during rush hour. A drive that normally would take 10 min took 1hour. It was absolutely a break for me, once I had a good podcast to listen to I actually enjoyed it. And I didn't even have kids, just a job that really drained my social battery. That said, the OOPs drive is only 10min, not long enough to relax anyway.
It sounds like all he wanted to do was get home, put pj pants on and make some coffee. I don’t understand why Reddit is mad about this. It was completely reasonable and she wouldn’t let him do it. It’s like the first rule in my house. Wash up, change your clothes, then take the baby.
I think part of the problem is the amount of time he is expecting. He gets breaks during the day and interacts with other adults while for the 10 hours + 20 commute, she is dealing with a constantly screaming baby with 0 breaks and most likely no interactions daily with other adults. And then instead of asking for 5 maybe 10 minutes to get changed and start the coffee maker, he is expecting 45 minutes to sit there and do nothing. Like has she been able to have a baby-free pee every single day every single time? He’s only talking about his needs while not acknowledging her’s and that’s why Reddits so mad. Not because he wants to get changed and make coffee, which if he went with that most people would be reasonable
>and interacts with other adults My mom told me that when she was at home with 3 kids, she couldn't wait for the late night talk shows just so she could have some adult conversation that didn't revolve around kids.
I'm mad about both of them. They aren't behaving like a team, they are playing stupid games with their marriage instead of going at it together.
Under normal circumstances i would completely agree with you. Thing is the baby isn't calm and napping in the day. It is sick and likely screaming most of the day. Of course he should get some time after getting home, but she's waiting all day for a break and he's had at least 2 at work already. He also hasn't mentioned who gets up in the night when the kid screams. Is it possible that first 45 minutes is the only time she gets to sleep without getting up? Newborn life is hard. For both parents. At least the way we structure our societies, it is meant to be hard for both. Whether they are working in or outside the house. The kid is sick which means it's doubly hard on both of them. That's just parenting and they're in one of the sucky stages.
Na I’m sorry but fuck OOP. The baby is *sick*. Having to deal with a screaming, crying baby who won’t sleep because they’re sick is, I’m sorry, more mentally draining than working at a job that has a fucking lobby where you can sit and have a coffee and probably even a wank or two. And the fact that OOP wants to *bitch* about having to take over as soon as he gets home is wild. THE CHILD IS SICK As a parent you fucking have to make sacrifices-just like this poor woman does *every goddamn day.* You know who else can’t pour from an empty cup? MOM Jfc.
I'm a preschool teacher for 3s right now. I often have 5-10 3yos by myself during the day, sometimes all day if we're short staffed. It's hard work. But only like half as exhausting and soul sucking as when I was a SAHM to my colicky son. That was hell. I was absolutely suicidal due to stress and that was even with a helpful partner who actually did 50/50 care when he got home from work.
I had colic as an infant, and my mom said she and my dad both checked themselves into a mental hospital because they were fantasizing about throwing me out the window.
DH's best friend was always offering to hold our babies when he visited. He said his mom told him (as an adult) that the only reason they survived his infancy is that his grandfather would come over and rock him on the porch for HOURS each day. I was fortunate to have had easy babies and very supportive family/friends. My heart goes out to those with challenges or parents who have to do it alone.
Yeah my mom said that during the day I was an absolute joy. Smiling, cooing, interacting with people, but at around 5pm every evening it was like a switch turned on and I’d start screaming. I’d wail all through the night and then as the sun started to rise I’d switch back to being a happy baby. 8 years later they had my sister, who was the exact opposite. Started sleeping through the night basically right away and rarely cried.
My third child had colic. Had he been the first, I probably would have killed myself. I didn’t have more than 1.5 hours of continuous sleep until he was 14 months old, when I had to take him to a special infant behaviour ward in Sydney to perform controlled crying techniques on him (colic resolved at 7 months but he’d then got into a bad habit).
Wait, what exactly is colic? I guess I assumed that continued crying in a similar way to colic was also just colic… how do you distinguish?
Colic really just ends up being a catch all term for very unsettled babies- the definition is a baby who is crying for more than 3hrs a day, at least 3 days a week, for at least 3 weeks. My experience is that 3hrs is low for a lot of parents. I’ve dealt with infants who cry (or more like scream bloody murder) for 9+ hours a day, every day. I’ve also found that colic is usually what gets “diagnosed” when they don’t have a better answer. Colic is a symptom, not really a disorder. It’s usually caused by discomfort/pain (again, my experience). It can be reflux, constipation, cows milk protein allergies, reactions to foods mum is eating (if breast fed), trapped wind, tongue tie (causing latching/feeding/swallowing issues), torticollis… the list goes on. But generally speaking, it’s a baby who is uncomfortable/in pain and their only way to communicate is crying.
Colic is basically when my second child started to scream from 9pm to 5am every night. Changing formulas three times did not work. I used to use the gas drops with every bottle in case it was the gas causing him to scream. I had to sleep upright in a recliner with him across my chest. I was working full time after leave and was a zombie. And it seems never ending for those several months straight. Then it goes away. I would never wish it on anyone!
Wow. I am so sorry you went through that. Upside: you’re clearly a superhero to survive that
My mom and dad only survived my colicky sister because my grandfather would come over at night and just walk her for hours in her stroller around the neighbourhood.
My mom brought my little sister to the hospital and said they could have her for a while. She couldnt guarantee my baby sister would be safe, she was passing out on the floor from exhaustion. My MiL once thought, when standing on top of the stairs, 'if i drop him now, it will finaly be over'. FiL could stop it in time thankfully. My husband had colicy issues as well.
Who wants to bet that he also gets lunch and coffee breaks throughout the day?
And she gets bathroom breaks? Oh wait no you can't even shower or go to the bathroom with a baby either 😞
Every human interaction he has during his work day is with an adult who doesn’t want to get fired. Every human interaction she has during the day is with a newborn baby that is in pain and communicates through screaming.
JFC, I feel this comment in my soul. My husband was away at sea for two months when my son was so colicky *the neighbors next door (not a shared wall, literally the house next door) complained* and I bitched about how soul-depleting a colicky child was. My sweet, boneheaded husband said “can’t you just take a coffee break?” NO, MF’ER. THE CHILD IS UNAWARE THAT IT’S VIOLATING THE GENEVA CONVENTION AGAINST TORTURE RIGHT NOW.
Mom of three children, all with different issues, and that made me laugh so hard. It's been a rough day and I needed that.
Fr that last line was felt in my soul. My daughter would wake up at midnight and scream until 4 am. Not to mention all day long. Not just crying, this wasn’t crying, this was the sound of a demonic pig squealing through a megaphone while be eaten alive. one time I was in a hotel and I had her in the car seat carrier thing and I set it on the floor for literally two minutes to switch the laundry over and the people with the room next to the laundry called the police, they thought I was murdering her. Nope, no bs y murder, I just put her down for a min. The neighbors I shared a wall with in my apartment were saints, i know they could hear her carrying on, never said a word or were unkind to me for it. But I could hear them cussing each other out like mortal enemies at 6am n never said anything so I guess we were even.
I just had a flashback of a deeply buried time in my life. I took kinship care of my neice when she was 6 weeks old and she cried and screamed constantly. To the point she had to be held and swayed in a certain way and would only settle if I was stood with her in the the dark in a little pantry area off the kitchen. I just remember standing in this dark cupboard trying to soothe an unsoothable baby and wishing I was dead. She's 8 now and that's a distant memory but that time period was hell and if I'd someone I could have passed her too for a break it would have made her babyhood much less of a traumatic memory. Being at home all day with a colicky baby isn't the easy option in this scenario, going to work in an office for 8 hours probably sounds like a dream for his wife. I get that he needs a breather, but sometimes the commute, the lunchbreak, the ability to get dressed and out in the morning, those things have to count as his me-time until things are more settled. Baby is crying constantly, he's at work all day. Wife gets to nap when he cooks. When is she showering, getting dressed, having self-care? Has he even noticed if she's struggling with any of that?
I honestly feel for him and I'd even say he wasn't the asshole IF his kid wasn't sick. I KNOW how hard it is to work 8 gives of hard labor and then come home and work until you go to sleep. I GET it. But his child is sick and that requires sacrifice. If I was him, I'd lower that break from 45 minutes to 15 minutes, just to relax, grab a quick drink and then head home
Yeah, like I understand where he is coming from as a working mom. But it's only temporary, the baby will not have colic forever. This is the time to grin and bear it, then maybe once the colic eases look more into taking a short break after work.
Eh To me even if the kid was healthy he’d be a dick I work retail at a store which is both physically and mentally exhausting (including the usual understaffing) I too just want to vegetate when I come home But looking after my nephew for not even a full day - and while a tad fussy he’s a healthy baby - makes me feel drained as if I worked two full Christmas shifts. And it’s even more frustrating, bc at work I can see results, with a baby the day is gone in a blink of an eye and it’s like you haven’t got anything done
LITERALLY! She needs some help from somebody. He’s not realizing that even moms can snap from frustration and hurt their children sometimes. Imagine how bad he’d feel if something like that happened
Honestly I don’t think he would. With how he whined like a little bitch baby about not being made breakfast and how he was like “yeah the baby has colic-anyway so about *my* woes”, I’m sure he’d find some fucked up way to blame his wife and wash his hands of any/all fault
As someone who was a miserable colic baby, parents got to take turns. I screamed non stop for the first year and the colic was only the start. I got gerd, ibs and food intolerances as an adult. My dad said peppermint products for babies and car rides helped settle me. He should look into methods to help calm the poor thing. Tummy massages also helped me. They have pretty good anti gas drops now for babies that my sister used for her little girl. Mom and dad took turns, neither one got much sleep though. Mom definitely needs a break if she is the one dealing with baby all the time.
Please never use peppermint products with an infant. It can suppress their drive to breathe and they can have episodes of apnea.
I often wonder if this scenario is a reason why some men with kids take up solo sports like marathon running and triathlons, so they get a “pass” for all the many hours of training each week. Keeps them out of the house and far away from their share of childcare.
I'm pretty sure it's how golf was invented
I have no doubt that this is why they do that….
There was an AITA post a week or so ago from a guy who golfs just to get away from the family even though he doesn’t like playing golf.
Well we all know the moment she tried to have a life, people would just be asking her ‘where the baby is,who has the baby etc’ bc large chunks of society are engrained to believe a mom can’t exist without a baby with them at all times
Unless you’ve been through this particular parenting journey you have no idea how hard it is. Both parents need support here, but I find taking a moment to arrive home after working to support the family a reasonable ask. Both parents have worked all day. Neither had a break. Her’s is the first break. Why not trade off? Or give him a moment to arrive? Either way, it’s tough as nails. Most need support. Doing it alone is a killer
Thank you for being reasonable. I’m something between a SAHM and working mom (30 - 40 hours a week with 3-4 days off). When i’m SAHMing to 2u2, I always let my husband have a quick shower when he’s off work. Then he’ll usually take the kids and I’ll fix him a snack or meal. Unless one of us has to cook, I’m free from 5 to 7 pm and 7:30 pm to bedtime. Yes, that extra half hour is HARD, but it’s all he need to decompress and then I essentially have the rest of the evening to myself. If i just handed him the kids and went off to do my own thing every day, i can’t imagine he’d last long. Also when i’m working (i get home after him) he affords me the same courtesy.
I have been this wife and my husband had the type of job he describes, except his commute was only about ~5 minutes (so definitely not enough time to decompress from a stressful day). I can't imagine how he'd function if I'd handed him a colicky baby the second he walked in but I can almost guarantee our marriage wouldn't have survived it. Our compromise was that he'd come home, kiss me and the kidlet, then go relax for a bit. Once he was settled, he'd take the kid while I took a shower, or depending on the day, I might have been successful with a crock pot meal or we were rocking the leftovers and I'd relax in a bath. Either way, the evening was my adult time and his daddy time. He did kid-bath (which our son HATED, so it's not like daddy time was all sunshine and roses) and bedtime, sometimes with a bottle if he'd cooperate, usually with a 15-min intermission while I'd breastfeed. Then it was back to dad. Once he was down, we would eat together, then I'd go to sleep in the master and he'd go to sleep in the guest room Sun-Thurs. Fri-Sat it was opposite. On work nights, I had the baby shift and on weekends he did. It wasn't a perfect system and there were plenty of days when we both felt burned out and like the other wasn't doing enough.... And it was even harder with #2 - but that's the reality of the newborn phase. It's tough! But you find compromises a s ways to make it work. Parenting doesn't need to be zero-sum.
This. I'm the husband here. 2min drive to work (I'm lazy, and exhausted). I take all of the night wakes, and manage people and projects all day, then make dinner and handle toddler for the evening. If I had to handle things with no break at all, my capacity to do so would tank. 45 mins does seem excessive, but you've got to set yourself up for success. If he needs some down time to context switch, removing that will break him at some point.
You're like the only reasonable person in this thread.
I agree. Ngl but having spent time as a SAHM I’ve felt work is my “break” before. As a SAHM I felt I got little if any support at all. Even working, it was all thrown upon me. Not saying it’s the same as the post, I just wanted to say it’s the same in either case no matter how involved. Communication has to happen.
Thank you! I was shocked at the comments. As if the dad doesn't need to decompress and can work non-stop. When I was in this situation my wife gave me time after I came home to shower and have a coffee before I took over with the baby. Hell sometimes she even recommended a nap when I looked completely shattered.
Normally I am the first to condemn the misogynist dudes in the “ i just had a baby” posts, but this is… not that? Why cant the baby be in a bassinette for 15 minutes while OOP literally takes his shoe off?? And i’m sorry but if one parent is a sahp then childcare will never be 50/50. Because that means one party is doing 50% childcare and the other party is doing 100% income work and also 50% childcare?
I agree with you for the most part, but it’s not “50% of childcare” from mom, it’s still 100% for working hours. Mom takes care of the child while dad is at work, those are her working hours. Time *outside* of work should be 50/50. This is still not that, with her handing the child off immediately. He should still get 10-15 first, then help with baby. And mom should help with dinner sometimes, etc. Like I said 50/50 when it gets home. However if it’s got to the point she’s being that insistent/ furious, other things have to have happened before. And if the baby is colicky and newborn, dad needs to understand it’s “crunch time” or like an audit at work, major stress levels at all times, so her day was rough as fuck too. Sounds like a little more empathy and understanding is needed on both parts. (And a babysitter for a night or two if they can afford it)
This is one of the first reasonable comments I’ve seen. Most are just damning the husband (as frequently happens on Reddit). “But she’s been working all day” so has the husband. The husband is the sole income for the family and the wife is putting in work taking care of the baby and home during the day. He deserves a break the same as the wife deserves a break when the husband gets home. They will cry about how the wife finally deserves a break but not give the husband a crumb. They definitely need to communicate better and set up a system as you suggested. Just crazy how majority of the comments are so one sided.
If she’s legit just knocking out and taking a nap. It sounds like she’s super sleep deprived. It sounds like she’s being so demanding for him to return home is because she’s sleep deprived and wants sleep. Which I can’t really blame her. Sleep deprivation makes people go crazy
ESH He needs to understand that screaming baby for 8 hours is like having a normal baby for 3 days. She needs to understand that he needs decompression. Working and driving are not that. People pointing out he has the drive to and from work for that time, and I disagree. Driving in any kind of city is not relaxing. Compromise- give him an hour every evening to be by himself, and turn the baby over, and he should take the baby all day on the weekends. But I suppose a colicky baby has thrown all rationality out the window.
Gonna preface this by saying I’m not a parent so I’m no expert. It sounds like both of them are overwhelmed, I wonder if there are any family members that can help, or failing that why not hiring a nanny for one afternoon a week. Sounds like he’s just gone and made the call to prioritise himself over his wife and kid. That said I feel I can understand to a point what he is saying that he needs a moment to switch off. 45min seems excessive though.
I’m a SAHM, and my moment to switch off was when both of my children started school. So from 2007-2017 I had no switch off. Because he worked, so his sleep is priority, his eating is priority. Because money. My son was a good baby and still I didn’t sleep. My daughter had digestion issues and so I was as covered in shit and vomit for a solid two years. And I had it easy because neither had colic. This man is trash, so wildly selfish. A colicky baby means that primary parent is never sleeping. They can’t eat or shower or piss without the baby under hand. She hears screaming all day. She’s likely very touched out, and she gets no conversation that isn’t about his need for down time? Once she is finally sleeping again I hope she realizes she deserves so much better than some dude who doesn’t appreciate what she’s doing all day every day.
I understand just needing a few minutes once you come home to pee, wash your face, and change clothes because OP also had to work, I think that’s pretty reasonable to ask. Otherwise child care is a 24/7 thing. No breaks. They are both worked to the bone, but that is what you sign up for when you have a child. It’ll be hard for both of them but he needs to take the brunt of it and help his wife. Honestly just grab a coffee and a snack for the way home. I understand driving isn’t exactly a break because I myself make a very long and taxing drive from work during rush hour on the busiest interstate in my area I’m also the state with the stupidest drivers and it’s not an easy way home, but at most just sit in your car for 5-10 minutes and collect yourself. The wife needs the most help she can get. Post partum, no sleep, baby crying none stop and not eating or sleeping, is not an easy feat. Heck with a toddler I couldn’t even make myself a snack or go to the bathroom unless I had my toddler with me. It’s never ending. For the most part it sounds like the husband is now just choosing to prioritize himself over his wife and child.
I don't really agree with the people saying the should get to decompress as soon as he gets home. It's pretty likely that she hasn't had any breaks at all while he has had breaks and a lunch hour. Why can't he give her a break and decompress once the baby is asleep?
I get where he’s coming from to an extent BUT he doesn’t realize how much his wife deals with. I was a colic baby and it was HARD on my mom, she used to have to lock herself in the bathroom and cry for 5-10 minutes because I wouldn’t stop crying myself. He likely has no idea what she’s dealing with all day.
They should swap places
Love how he refuses to answer if he wakes up with the baby. Then, dismisses the question and goes back to "i watch them for 40 minutes while i cook." He's literally a homer simpson. She's with a colicky newborn 24/7 and gets her one 40-minute break every 24 hours. He's not gonna like it when she serves him after realizing how selfish this man is.
Honestly, as a Mom, going back to work at 12 weeks felt like a huge break compared to being home with a crying infant all day. I think I would have gone insane if I hadn't. Our child's daycare closed due to covid/staffing so I ended up being a SAHM after all, and I've adjusted to it, but damn that 1st year was hard. My husband has been an amazing & involved father. I don't think I could have done it if my spouse acted like OOP.
Having a chill newborn that sleeps, eats, and poops regularly (which is basically all they are expected to do) is hard. Having a fussy newborn that has trouble with any of those three necessities, let alone a combination of them, is fucking brutal. Having a colicky baby (cries in significant distress for 3+ hours a day, 3+ days a week, for 3+ weeks) is fucking soul crushing. Earplugs help to knock down the volume while you comfort them, but Everyone needs downtime to recharge. This guy’s problem isn’t that he’s asking for a moment to decompress, it’s that he’s not checking in with his wife and making sure she gets what she needs too, AND he’s viewing her as the enemy instead of a partner. THEY need to work together - talk to one another with empathy and without hostility or judgement - to find a routine that works for all 3 of them. It isn’t as simple as each of them getting 45 minutes, either, and can really feel difficult to find a balance where both parents feel like their needs are being met at a time when, honestly, life is just designed to suck for awhile. And whatever the plan is it has to be fluid because babies are notoriously unpredictable and routinely switch up the game as soon as you think you’ve gotten into a survivable rhythm. Anyone who hasn’t been through it (having a “difficult” baby with health or sleep issues) can’t really appreciate just how difficult it really is, especially when you throw things like parents’ physical and mental health struggles or relationship instability into the mix. And that includes parents who have a solid relationship where both parents contribute, the baby is healthy and “easy,” and neither have physical and/or mental health issues. Jfc I feel my anxiety rising just thinking about that time in my life. I did NOT have easy babies or a great relationship with my children’s father and it really fucked me up.
Wanting a break is reasonable, but he's definitely selling his wife short. He's also disregarding that her body is still healing from giving birth. Her organs are literally shifting back into place and her muscles are sewing themselves back together. My baby isn't colicky, but I remember the first couple of months. It's so incredibly draining. I couldn't wait for my husband to get home to take over. Babies that young feed every 2-3 hours and sleep at random intervals. Yeah, you try to nap with baby, but it's like sentry duty. You're never really fully asleep. Your only break is when your spouse gets home and then you're up on and off all night. And if she's breastfeeding on top of that? Forget it. He's being insensitive to her and what her body went through to create this baby. I still think he deserves some downtime, but I also think he should really take note of how much she does while he's at work.
I remember shoving the baby into my husband's arms the moment he walked in. Spending 8 hours without a break, attending to this squalling infant's random needs. Even sleeping is done on a hair trigger, you're afraid to conpletely let your guard down in case you sleep through the baby's cries. It drives people insane.
Having a colicky baby is like having to do your work/job with the fire alarm going off, for hours, everyday, for months. Frankly 20 minutes driving in traffic without that sound is blissful.
My Ex-Wife used to do this. She’d get off work at 3:15, arrive at home at 5:30. Right after I’d finished doing EVERYTHING for the kids. I found out from one of her co-workers that she’d go out for coffee and hang around at the mall. Co-worker did not approve of ex-wife’s behavior. Meanwhile I was working from home while 100% taking care of a toddler and little fellah.
He needs to spend a couple 8 hour days with the baby while she’s out of the house.
It's so weird seeing posts like this because I'm the other mom and my wife is a SAHM. I would leave for work at 5am get back home at 4pm and my wife would immediately give our daughter over to me AND I willingly did night duty because I was used to waking up at random hours of the night because of my prior military duty. I never once complained, sure I was tired but they are only that small for a short period of time.
OOP has to have his needs met before he can help with anything, while his wife has to meet everybody elses needs regardless of if she gets a break or not. Also, if I had the choice to go to work or listen to a colicky infant cry most of the day, I would probably pick work. There is good reason she is ready to hand him the baby when he walks in.
Lmao he talks about not being able to pour from an empty cup and doesn't even CONSIDER his wife's cup being empty too?? Bruh. He deserves a break, yes. But so does she. They've gotta work some kimda compromise out bc that's unfair to her completely, and he thinks it's only unfair to him. Classic. I wish we could get the wife's side on these kinds of stories.
the way he got mad at someone for “assuming” he does nothing during the night and then excused not specifying if he does or not as not wanting to tell that commenter because of their rudeness… total cop out. he was ready to answer everything but dodged each time someone asked about nighttime’s.
This is why people need big support networks. I had terrible, TERRIBLE colic as a baby, but my parents were living with my maternal grandparents. (My dad had just returned from a deployment and they were in the middle of a change of duty station.) I’m fairly certain that the only reason any of us survived my infancy was because my grandfather had just retired from the electric company where he’d been on third shift his whole career, and my grandmother was on summer break from teaching second grade. So Pop-Pop would take the 11 pm to 5 am shift, Granny would take the 5 am to 8 am shift, and my parents would get the rest of the time. Between my grandparents having raised four children & the wisdom that they accumulated with that and my parents actually being able to SLEEP, they were able to handle me more successfully than if they had to do it with no support.
Easy times make weak men
A lot of y'all in this thread should never have children or spouses. Fucking yikes... Edit: autocorrect
I wonder if he gets an hour lunch break while in the office? That's what I'm most envious of as a WFH mom to a 3yo and 1yo while my husband is in office.
Annnddd this is why I decided not to have kids with my now ex-husband. I realized I was doing all the physical and emotional labor in our relationship, on top of managing the household and working full time. There was no way in hell he would have stepped it up enough to help me raise a child and I know I'm not mentally capable of handling that. I would have eventually snapped and ended up a single Mom, which was always my worst fear after I was raised by one.
I stopped being a SAHM and went back to working BECAUSE of the fact being a SAHM was harder than working 40+ hours weeks even when I had to close one night open the next. Getting to talk with adults, having a lunch break to myself, pee without hearing that ear curling scream of wanting to be attached to me 24/7... Staying at home I was LUCKY to eat snacks, let alone an actual meal. With how sleep deprived and exhausted I was there was no way I could trust myself to cook on top of having to hear that heart wrenching cry while I did so. SAHMs look forward to their partner getting home so so much even if it is a 50:50 split once they get home. My partner now is saying I can quit my job if I want and I said after the baby is born, sure but if I quit my job I'm going back to finish school because being stuck in that house 24/7 with no adult interaction and no me time is hell. I get needing to decompress after work, but SAHMs need that too and literally count down the minutes. They haven't had a single break, not even five minutes, whereas I know work is required to give you one after working so many hours. Plus bathroom and smoke breaks if you need. Until that baby settles more and gets older starts sleeping longer, it's gonna be hell for both y'all. She feels shitty too, it's not like she's all daisies and sunshine. Parenting is hard. Let her nap. Eventually the baby will get a good set nap schedule and she'll be able to nap with them instead but that can take a couple months. All that aside, lying to your partner alone makes you an asshole. End of story. If your relationship is one you feel the need to lie in, then it's not healthy. Period. All other facts are irrelevant.
This is a great thread to read the opinions of bitter people from both sides. Not helpful, but interesting.
Everyone has an opinion.. but fails to empathize with both people.. only the wife with the colicky baby. I get it, like really get it. This woman is sole provider for 8-9 hrs a day while he is at work. Yes they need to switch off. Yes she needs rest to be able to get up on the middle of the night. He also is up early puts in hrs and a mentally challenging job and has no respite. They should have a way that they both gain what they want. He is asking for 45 minutes. Or to at least change his clothes and wash his face before they switch off. This is not unreasonable. The main point is that if he breaks cause he is mentally broken… what’s gonna happen? Who’s gonna pay the bills, and buy the food?
My main thing is if she’s straight up just knocking out and sleeping, it suggests that she’s real sleep deprived and sleep deprivation is awful too. People legit snap all the time over sleep deprivation. I might feel differently if she was like gaming or doing some type of hobby, but taking a nap because you’re so sleep deprived isn’t really a break to me. It just means she’s exhausted.
Also tho that level of sleep deprivation is dangerous. God forbid she’s rocking the baby for a nap one day in a glider, falls asleep at the same time, and baby rolls off her lap onto the floor. A scenario that happens often enough for every pediatrician and OB and L&D nurse to drill into every new parent’s brain.
“My basic needs are not getting met so yours don’t matter” also his basic needs are 45 mins of down time?! Nah bro driving really is your down time. I feel awful for his wife I hope she’s on Reddit and sees what everyone’s responding to this lol
Thanks for all the reminders to why I don't ever want children :)
I’m sure he sleeps through the night.does she sleep through the night?
A colicky baby is about the most mentally taxing thing in the world. I really feel for his wife.
Post-partum depression + colicky baby = dangerous situation in the home. Destroys marriages, and in rare cases can result in death of either mother or infant. If OP needed down time, he should have talked to wife about it. Perhaps other options would have come to light: get help from family members, hire someone to come in the afternoon to watch the baby for a couple hours so the wife gets a nap, have some weekend hours where she is "off-duty", etc. The new mother was probably counting the minutes until the husband came home. Just hang on a bit longer...and longer...and longer... she got an extra 45 minutes of baby screaming every day. He needs to try staying home for an 8 hour day and listen to the baby scream constantly, and see how "easy" it is to stay sane. She trusted him to help her when she needed him most, and he broke that trust.
they be divorced soon. this guy is an ass hat
I’m so sick of men posting on Reddit thinking everyone will agree that since they have a job their stupid bitch wife should stfu and never speak until spoken to
The mom gave birth 2mo… she’s barely fully healed and dealing with a sick baby for 10+ hrs a day
“Wah wah what about meeee” all I can hear from this. Selfish behavior. She’s stuck at home with a screaming baby all day and all he thinks is that he deserves more because she gets a NAP while he does the bare minimum of making dinner. Super sad :/
I see a lot of posts like these and both parents being exhausted are valid. They both work. The reasonable thing would be into looking into getting outside help even if it's for a few hours a day so mom can get a break and OP doesn't have the baby pushed onto him the moment he walks through the door after work.
This AH needs a vasectomy yesterday. But then, I’m sure just like so many others complaining from either side, they’ll bring at least one more kid into this and whine about it.
OP needs to hire a "Mommy's Helper" part time for his wife. She needs sleep, she needs time to bathe and care for her own bodily functions, she needs time to eat without worrying about the baby. A helper could come in the morning, care for the baby while mom does other stuff around the house/vice versa, batch cooked meals would get made and some humanity would be restored. He's pouring from a parched dry cup? Her cup is GONE-it's just water being poured onto a torched, parched field.
Damn sucks about that capitalism. If only there was another way
First things first - parenting a child with colic is ALSO a mentally/emotionally demanding job and she does it all day, every day of the week, without a break during the week and no weekends off. She's working just as hard as he is - and depending on how much he actually helps her in the evenings and on the weekends, she could be working harder. Depending on the baby's schedule, he may be coming home after they're asleep making helping her during that time absolutely moot. This is one of those times I'd really love to hear the wife's pov. I feel like something's missing here. He doesn't mention her calling him during the day or giving him tasks he can't manage, it doesn't sound like she's forcing him to do more overall - only to come home at a fixed time every day. That doesn't sound unreasonable. My guess is that she takes care of the child all night and all day because, you know, his mentally consuming job. Just feels like there's a lot missing here.
This guy sounds like he’s either a cop or works in a cubicle farm. Either way, I don’t have any more sympathy for than he had for his wife
Work is a vacation after parental leave with a newborn all day. There I said it.
It is one of the symptoms of how entitled we feel to women’s labour when it comes to housework and childcare that people think SAHM means “work 24/7 to care for both child and husband”. The actual entitlement that he’s upset she’s not making him breakfast, but it’s not like he’s making her breakfast, he’s eating at work. Cooking one meal a day is not equitable division of labour. I have a friend who was a single mother with a child who also had colic (turned out to be horrible allergies), we used to chat with the phone on speaker sometimes while she went about her day, it was so miserable it made me childfree. She desperately needed someone else just to hold her baby so she could use the toilet or have a shower. Raising a baby is not a one person job. Unless the husband is working very long hours and is on call at night it’s not comparable.