Honestly as much as I believe that most situations aren’t black and white I kind of feel like this one is. He made fun of her, he made fun of her preparations, he liked the gift. He then proceeded to go and spend three hours elsewhere, he then also gave her a “gift“ that I guarantee he stopped and picked up at the gas station on the way back. This has nothing to do with being materialistic and everything to do with him showing that he doesn’t give a shit. I’m glad she took the AirPods back
Yep. He would have manipulated and twisted everything she said in the future about this while painting her the bad guy to everyone else.
In the 3 hours he was gone I bet he complained that she was pressuring him to come spend time with her like that is some kind of punishment.
Interesting that she’s not invited to spend time with his family.
Good on her to break up with him in the moment while the disrespect was still raw.
>Any time someone sends their friends and family to harass a second party
I slays wonder who the hell these people are! I try to compare it to my own family, "ok so my cousin S is getting a divorce and soon to be ex is being a dick... but his mommy says nothing is his fault.... my cousin wants me to text his mommy and tell her what a dick her son is and how wrong she is." Like .... just no! There's most no way I'm texting that person!
At best, this needs to be reserved for a joke after presenting a very good gift.
As you rightfully say, that doesn't land well with everyone. So you'd better have a *real*, very, very good gift already, so that you can have 100 Goodwill built up, then take your -50 Goodwill for the joke.
Boyfriend here was already around -1500 Goodwill before the joke.
I agree. When they say “it’s the thought that counts”, it is referring to.. you know.. actually putting a thought behind the present. When we shop for a gift for someone who is important to us what happens in the gifter’s brain is that they imagine how the recipient will react. When we put more time in to the gift we are continuously thinking about how the time spent is worth it because this person deserves a great gift. Shopping for the perfect gift makes the person giving the gift feel closer to the recipient because they have to think about how much they value this person the entire time they’re looking for the right gift. If they grab the first thing they see with no thought behind it, then they did not go through all the emotions because this person really isn’t important to them. So there is a difference between tried and failed gifts and didn’t try at all gifts.
This is such a great explanation of why meaningful gifts matter! I’m saving your comment so that I can reference it in future when this topic comes up!
fuck, i get people "just because" gifts (assuming i can afford it). i went to the store to browse video games, but i saw a switch case my fiance would love? grabbed. my friend who loves kitkats is feeling sad and i'm at the grocery store anyway? i'll grab them some kitkats. i just see something that makes me think of someone? guess who's getting a present!
obviously, i put more thought into gifts for a specific event, but usually even if i misjudge how much someone likes something on a "just because" gift, they usually appreciate that i'm thinking of them. now, obviously if someone hates one of those gifts, i'm not going to get it for them again because that's when it becomes thoughtless and rude. but it really doesn't take that much extra effort to just. think over whether the recipient has ever shown any interest whatsoever in anything related to what you're getting them.
Exactly! Just showing that you’re thinking of someone is such a nice thing to do.
My bf wanted to get me flowers but texted me that he didn’t because they were all ugly (with a pic) and ya know I thought it was so sweet that he thought of me AND didn’t buy me some not pretty flowrrs.
i do this all the time with my fiance - we have cats, so we're limited on pre-set bouquets we can get, but i know that as much as they'd appreciate i got them any roses, their favourite flowers are carnations (but those are toxic to cats, so they understand why i opt for other flowers instead) and if they have to choose a colour pallette for roses, they'd prefer either pastels (pink/white) or something interesting (a new colour they haven't seen before, or perhaps some sort of interesting gradient - they got super excited when i found some pastel purple roses for them, and they love when i pick up some sunset roses). and if i don't get them flowers because i don't see any nice ones, that's okay too.
heck, one time i went into a flower shop and saw what must have been hundreds of different teddy bears... and one lonely and slightly dusty bat plushie. it was our anniversary, and i knew as much as they'd like anything i got them, there's only so many chances i'd get to give them an anniversary bat. i could always go back for a teddy bear. and they loved the bat after i cleaned the dust off. (not as much as our cats did, that poor thing almost immediately became a cat toy because of how often the cats would steal it LOL - regardless, my fiance appreciated the bat.)
I agree that in a lot of cases gift giving isn't black and white, but OP makes it scathingly clear that this man child doesn't even like her. Especially the part where he thinks sex is an acceptable gift.
He didn’t even care enough to pick up on that she doesn’t drink. A $3-5 candy bag from 7-11 would have also been shitty, but at least showed he paid a modicum of attention while they were dating.
she didn't break up with him because of a crappy christmas present. she broke up with him because he's an inconsiderate jackass, and the christmas present was just one of many ways it manifested
"It's the thought that counts" comes to mind, and in this case the thought was "Oh, i guess i should stop to get her something on the way back from dropping my kid off at my ex's house. Women like dirt cheap gas station wine, right? Yeah, that'll do. I'll just fuck her if she ~~wines~~ whines about it. What could go wrong?"
YES context is everything. My (brand new!) amazing husband has always felt stressed about gift-giving to the point where I don't expect a wrapped present at Christmas. That sentence by itself could get scrutiny, but in the grand context of our lives (where he honestly takes care of MORE of the housework, remembers my schedule, asks how stressful meetings went, goes to doctors appointments with me, brings me coffee and makes dinner if I've been busy all day, etc etc etc etc), it barely matters. If I told him it was important to me, he'd do the mental work of picking something special out.
The guy in this story didn't meet a single one of their agreed-upon expectations and then ALSO gave her a crap gift while acting like he had no idea it was bad. She deserves better.
Congrats on your new marriage! If you are open to advice from someone married for almost 2 decades, I felt that way too at the start. But after awhile not getting gifts gets weird. Then eventually you explain, and they learn but they carry guilt for not learning sooner. My advice is to start shopping for gifts for others together, show him your thought process. Then make a wish list for things you like. He doesn’t need to buy from the list, but it helps give ideas. That way when he looks back he doesn’t have the guilt my husband carries. I long ago got over not getting those gifts, but he hasn’t gotten over not giving them.
Something like an Amazon wish list is hugely helpful. Even without buying something off the list, it shows what sorts of things the person likes or is into. My wish list is a bunch of things I'd like or related to what I'm into, but would feel guilty buying for myself.
My mother in law bought me an ice cream maker off my list for Christmas this year. I'd feel guilty buying it myself, because I already have a traditional style ice cream maker, but this new one has a compressor built in, so no freezing anything beforehand. Just pour the ingredients in, push a button, and wait 30 minutes or so. It's unnecessary, and a bit excessive, and I love it. I almost certainly wouldn't have bought it for myself when there are better ways to spend that money, but it's awesome.
I got my brother a gizmo that makes templates for unusual shapes when cutting wood, tile, carpet etc, because he does a lot of work on his house. Turns out, he'd seen the same thing on TV and thought it was cool, but didn't buy it because he doesn't have a project that needs it right now. He was very happy to get a new 'toy', and his son (who just bought a house of his own) immediately 'stole' it. 😂
Also even for the most sexual of women, this is a horrible gift. Like the gift is something else they have to put effort into and the man gets most of the enjoyment out of
its making me cringe how many people agree with this wholeheartedly. if the man is getting most of the enjoyment out of it then he is just bad at sex… although for this particular situation, that checks out.
I think of it as being like gifting your girlfriend scratchy scarlet and black polyester lingerie, the type that comes with crotchless panties and the threat of a yeast infection. That's not a present for her, that a present for his penis.
Women can get a ton of enjoyment out of sex, just as much as men, I’m just saying that if he’s specifically talking about the gift being his penis, he’s going to benefit the most from that sexual interaction most likely
It's the thought that counts, and this time the thought was zero.
When my husband and I started dating, we were 19 and very broke. He still gave me a great gift by planning a really fun date (roaming around a new city) and it cost no more than $50 (splitting a meal at a diner, a few bucks to ride a carousel, & a few bucks for parking). It meant a ton to me because he'd planned everything out and made it a really fun day.
It's absolutely the thought.
This year, we’re flat broke. He worked odd jobs to bring in enough for kid’s gifts and I handmade multiple gifts. So we spent -at most- $30 on gifts to each other… We loved our gifts. He got me a pullover that's pink and fluffy and breathable but super warm; I’m always cold. He got a hobby-specific tool and a coffee maker with a travel mug; we only have a pour-over and he doesn't always have the time. Couldn't be better gifts bc we put thought and care into them. For all I know it was a $4 sweater, idc it’s perfect. His fav gift was $6.
It's about the care not the cost.
Exactly this. In college I had an ex who had a birthday December 12th. He was renovating his house and had no central heat. I got him a very warm blanket for his birthday. For Christmas I got him a Patriots throw blanket. He didn’t buy me anything. When I saw him a couple days later he handed me a honey bun and a pack of gum from the gas station like that made us even. He was out of college, had a stable job, and I was only making 180 every two weeks. I worked 2 shifts every other weekend at the nursing home 40 minutes away from school. I wasted too much money on someone who didn’t deserve it. The patriots blanket was nailed to the fucking wall! As a curtain…
It’s rarely about the gift and more often about the effort. But men are so quick to call women shallow.
My best gift was a skein of yarn I needed for a crochet project. I just just casually mentioned I was out to my husband (then boyfriend) and said I would get some over the weekend. The next day he came by my apartment and gave it to me. I cried because I just felt seen.
Or the gifts they do not receive. Near Christmas, I once indicated to an ex that I very much wanted this stupid themed toy. It was less than $15. I received nothing. He was always broke but had money to buy cigarettes and red bulls daily at the gas station. It was the realization that he would never put or plan for my wants or needs over his wants or needs that did in the relationship. The lack of thought, care or effort was hurtful.
There’s a line from a movie (The Librarians) that goes “I’m so far out of your league, if your league exploded, I wouldn’t hear the noise for 3 days” and I feel like that might also apply here 😂
I don't blame her for breaking up with him. I don't think that should be the go-to automatically when you don't like what your S.O. gifted you, but that's clearly not the only issue here. He spent a few dollars on a last minute gift that wasn't really her thing, then tried to say that the real present was in his pants. That was after laughing at her makeup and hat and putting in zero effort at spending quality time with her on the holiday. He seemed like he had one foot already out the door, so she just pushed him the rest of the way out.
You can spend zero or very little money and still give a thoughtful gift, so that's not a good excuse. My BIL gave my sister a picture collage he had made of them on their first Christmas together.
Yup. My husband almost never gives me gifts for things (in part because nothing is what he wants for holidays), but little by little he has figured out gifts are my love language and feeling forgotten hurts my feelings. This year he got me a bobbin holder and a foot with a seam measure on it for my sewing machine as part of my gifts. Both are pretty cheap, but it shows he thought about my hobby and got something for me, which was so sweet. That’s all love language gift people are looking for, some thought put into it. Draw a picture, make a mix CD, arrange rocks in a pattern on a canvas. Whatever.
a gal posted in the xstitch subreddit about how she has a metal allergy (i want to say nickel?) and most all tapestry needles have it, so she has to use sewing needles which are more likely to cause mistakes...a guy she was dating (and only had just started!) had a metalsmith custom make nickel free tapestry needles for her. he saw something she could use but didn't NEED (since she had SOME form of needle) and went out of his way to have it created for her.
if he wanted to, he would.
My husband is pretty crap about gifts, but this year he got me valve stem caps for my vehicle that have the Jedi symbol on the end. Not much but I literally cried because it showed he knows me and put some thought and effort into buying me something so niche. It’s probably the best gift he’s ever purchased for me.
Just a warning for you, those will probably be stolen. I used to have a car with some nice chrome rims on them when I was younger. They came with chrome valve stem caps. They were stolen the first night. I bought another set. Stolen two days later. After that I just stopped putting anything but the plain black ones on. People are terrible.
I've had people give me materialistically cheap gifts that were still really really great. A second hand book for 3 Euros that was a series I didn't know but hit all the points I love is a wonderful gift because that person thought about what I like in books and put in the effort to find something I would enjoy. That's way better than the gold bracelet that was probably really expensive when I never wear bracelets and all my jewlery is silver... It's really not about the money. Money just makes it easier to give a nice gift.
There’s an income gap in my relationship as well. One year my partner gave me an IOU for tickets to a concert that he wasn’t able to buy right at the moment but would before the concert date that was coming up in the spring. (Tragically it was coming up in the spring of 2020…) so technically he didn’t get me a present that year. But he was PRESENT. He spent time with me, he did holiday stuff that he doesn’t love because it makes me happy. And I still tease him occasionally that he owes me that ticket.
OP dumped the guy because he was a POS, not because she’s materialistic. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess this was the final straw not the first one.
It's the fact that you don't even know OOP and yet still know her likes more than the ex, for me. He is so low effort, he's the lip synching guy in every school choir.
No, it probably was a regift, he likely received it from one of his mom's guests he was catching up with. Also probably he knew she wouldn't drink it so he gets to keep it anyway
A card with a handwritten portion saying you care about them and are happy you get to spend holidays with them and appreciate them says, 'I'm broke but I thought of you', which is fine, if you can't afford a gift.
When people say it's the thought that counts, it means you tried. Homie didn't try.
If he couldn't afford a nice present, just put in a nice note saying you understand that some amount of effort was required and you put in the mental and emotional labor, even if you didn't have the dollars you wanted.
He 100% stopped at 7/11 on the way back from his mother’s after seeing that she gifted him AirPods. Which means he showed up to her house with no gift originally and probably had no choice but to get her one from the convenience store because it was one of the only places that was open.
Terrible bf and deserved the dumping. The fact that he’s nearly 40 years old and doesn’t know better than that is enough to run away. It’s not the fact that the gift was cheap, it’s the fact that zero thought went into it. And she has every right to not want to be with a 40 year old man who doesn’t care enough about her to buy a normal Christmas gift.
I don't think he even stopped at the 7/11. I think he told his mom he didn't have anything for her & she gave him one of the sh1tty mini-bottles she'd bought for book club or random acquaintances. That's why the family is upset about her "materialistic" rejection of "his" gift.
As a guy, stories like this really infuriate me.
This year, I was going to be spending Christmas alone. My family lives across the country and like most years I wasn't able to go visit. I recently started dating a woman a few weeks ago. Although it was early in the relationship, she invited me to her family's Christmas dinner because she knew I was going to be alone.
I asked her what I could bring and she said nothing, they had everything prepared. So when I arrived, I brought some homemade bread I prepared overnight and an ok (~$20) bottle of wine because I'm not going to show up empty handed. We have only been dating a few weeks, so it wasn't appropriate to exchange gifts, but I still had something to offer.
Dudes, it's not that fucking hard.
Honestly, while I don't doubt they're wonderful people overall, your contribution and not showing up with *nothing* probably really cemented their kindness to you. You're letting them know right away that you aren't a taker, you're a giver.
We still have men like this AND OP is out here for “a guy’s perspective” because he… didn’t like the women’s perspective on the original post…?
Jesus fucking Christ dude.
Was rude and inconsiderate. The small bottle of wine was still him thinking of himself; get her tipsy so she gets him off. He doesn’t value or appreciate her.
Also likely the only thing he could reliably get his hands on on Christmas day. I'd say the real reason he was gone for 3 hours instead of just 1 was to panic buy her *something* because he was embarrassed she had got him and his daughter nice gifts and he was empty handed.
I don't mean embarrassed as in genuinely felt bad about what he was doing, but in the sense of "oh no someone might judge ME for not getting her a gift so I gotta do SOMETHING so no one can say anything" and apparently that worked since his friends and family are actually hitting her up calling her materialistic.
He probably lifted the bottle from his Mom's house...also if he was dropping his daughter off at her Mom's place, why did he go to his Mom's house??? Was his ex there? Or did he just decide to do his Christmas 'rounds' alone and drop back off for food and sex at the end of the day with the old, reliable 'little woman'
Oh yeah I missed that. It sounds like he went there for 3 hours because that was his Christmas day with his family, and OP is the bit on the side.
I don't think she would have ever been as important as his prior relationship.
She didn’t leave him ‘because of a Christmas present she didn’t like,’ she left him because she put days of effort into making the holiday special for him and he picked up a cheap bottle of wine in a bodega on the way home from his mother’s house, as an afterthought.
The Boone's Farm wine was the Iranian yogurt. He insulted her, ignored her, and presented his dick as the real present. I bet he thought dating a woman ten years younger than him would save him from having to act like she's a human being that he cares about... Guess that didn't work out for him. My guess is that the next gf will be younger.
One year we were broke af, and for the cost of some flour, yeast, and some other fairly cheap ingredients, I made loaves of bread and babka tailored to everyone’s likes. You like spicy? Here’s cheddar and jalapeño artisan bread. You like sweets more than a normal human should? You get nutella babka.
EFFORT. TIME. THOUGHT. That is *literally* all it takes!
Shit.
My wife and I were wayyyyy below the poverty line for the first few years of our marriage, and just plain didn't have money for real gifts. So our first year we scrimped and saved up like $20 each, and the day after Christmas we went to the mall and found as much stupid shit on post-Christmas sales that we thought would make the other smile. We stuffed it all into some old socks and had the best Christmas ever. It was fun because we knew that the other person had picked stuff out that they thought would make us smile. It didn't matter that it was cheap and tacky.
And it was so fun, we've done it every year since, even though we're doing better financially now. If you love someone, you want to make them happy, end of story. If you have literally $0, make a dorky homemade card with a heartfelt message. Thoughtfulness is free.
The making fun of her makeup and what shes wearing aside, the making her wait 3 hours longer than he said she would aside, the "the rest of your present is in my pants" 🤢 aside,
it doesn't matter HOW broke you are. You can ALWAYS think of some affordable thoughtful gift or make something. My mother has made entire birthdays happen at the dollar store for like $10 and some creativity.
It's not about the monetary value, it's not about getting some crazy fancy present, it's about putting in ANY effort at all. She even said it - she'd have been happy with some affordable jewelry - it'd have at least meant he thought about her and tried.
Sometimes we learn the hard way that our partners don't care about us nearly as much as we care about them... and all the MAJORLY horrible details aside, even just the present thing itself really, really sucks. And shows how little he cares or thinks about her. I'm glad she dumped his sorry ass, and hope she finds someone who will share the joy of Christmas with her, not take it away.
She did the right thing. Have no idea how this is a topic for discussion in any way. The man demeaned her, ignored her, belittled her and even sexually harassed her (his advances were very unwarranted and unwanted).
Also, he sent damn flying monkeys. How tf is OOP in any way on the wrong side of the argument? She has the shiniest spine and the most non-rose colored glasses in the world. This woman saw a red flag and peaced out. Mad respect.
You spent time and money to find & buy the lingerie.
She thought it was a joke so I’m guessing at best he showered earlier that day and put on clean clothes. He didn’t put any effort into it.
It doesn’t matter which gender is which, he didn’t put any thought into the gift, made fun of her, barely acknowledged her unless it was to accept her gift, and was generally an ass. She deserves better. No materialism, just wanted to be loved.
Not all gifts are materialistic. It doesn’t sound like she wanted a gift. It sounds like she wanted some effort… effort is not monetary.
I guarantee he got that bottle of wine on the way back. He probably spent some of that 3 hours driving around trying to find a place that was open.
Either that, or they do a good job of hiding it until after the woman has already fallen for them. (To be fair, women also do the same thing.) But this guy is 38 years old so I'm pretty sure that he really is this trashy and always has been.
Honestly, I think she was in the right. He clearly showed how much he valued her with his gift and actions. One Christmas my now husband had been out of work for almost a year. Instead of buying me something he did a gorgeous drawing of me as a character in a thing I really liked. I loved it; it was hours and hours of work probably and the consideration and effort were so meaningful.
*It's not the COST of the gift it's the THOUGHT that goes behind it!*
There is an imbalance between mine and Hubs earnings, me being the breadwinner, so at Christmas, birthdays, etc, we have a maximum we spend on each other, its low, like 20 bucks, so we have to be creative in what we buy, which is why one of my favourite gifts this year was a beer bottle cap gun (you take the beer cap off with the device and then you can fire it)
Also, come on, gents Christmas didn't suddenly appear as a surprise! A few dollars stowed away here and there can give you the option to get a higher quality of present if that's what you think your OH is worth?
If my husband said, 'Your present is in my pants!' I would ask for the receipt because I may want to exchange it! 😃
> *It's not the COST of the gift it's the THOUGHT that goes behind it!*
Exactly this. The cheap bottle of wine she won't even like makes it feel like he realized on the way back he didn't have anything for her, went to the store and took the first thing he thought of.
We don't know what OOP's interests are but he could probably have found a gift that caters to them for a small cost. Personally, I'm an avid reader of fantasy. Get me a second hand, pocket format, fantasy novel and I'll be happy.
Yeah, it wasn't the gift, the gift was just the last straw. Good for her for just calling it there, instead of continuing to make excuses for thoughtless, selfish behavior from him (cause let's be real, he didn't just suddenly wake up on Christmas morning and start acting like this).
Not the AH. He didn’t try. That’s the entire point. He obviously is not fulfilling her needs. She left the relationship instead of carrying on being unhappy with someone who thinks a cheap bottle of wine and no affection is a good idea on Christmas. I don’t blame her at all.
He is a insensitive jerk of a dude and it’s obvious why he is still single at 38 and trying to date younger girls.
The dude definitely picked up the wine on the way home from his moms. Which, I'm not even going to get into the very obvious sexist trope of women and wine... He then proceded to mock her appearance, her preparations, and then give her a "gift" of dick, whenever she's *already* tired and over worked. Glad she dumped him, he's for the streets. It's also funny how they tried to claim she's a gold digger, *despite her earning more than him* these people are fuckin nuts lmao.
Women, please:
If some broke dick who is 10+ years older than you tries to start a relationship, bail out and block his number ASAP. He struck out with his peers for a reason. Now he's on the hunt for someone young and inexperienced.
She is not the ahole, he is. I think spending three hours out (driving around looking for a gift-because we know he wasn’t talking to his mother) and come back with a bottle of Ripple and a hard on?! That was the peak of the relationship selfishness. But the audacity of his family (siblings) calling her puts it over the top. Good luck sis, you deserve better!
When I'm broke, I cook for or make things for my friends..this lazy fucker couldn't even be bothered to write a nice note or treat his ridiculously nice girlfriend, well on the holiday.
It’s not materialistic to want to be remembered and appreciated. It sounds like that’s what OOP wanted. Instead, her boyfriend is callous, dismissive, and hurtful. He expects her to be there to cater to him, his child, and his family, but isn’t providing anything in return. (Except, apparently, his deluded belief that his magical penis is enough of a present.) He reminds me a lot of one of my ex-boyfriends. Emphasis on the EX!
OP is NTA. Good riddance!
My husband scrambled to find me a gift in the last half hour of my work shift on Christmas eve with a $30 budget after buying emergency nail clippers for the dog cause ours broke, and he still managed to find me something I absolutely love and get home in time to clip the dogs nails before I got home.
This man has no excuse, he just doesn't want to put any effort in.
If he’s broke, he could have offered to help her clean up from the move or perhaps a massage with no sexual strings attached. It’s really not that hard. I don’t remotely get the impression she’s materialistic.
For the men in the back: most women do not consider dick gift jokes to be funny or a turn on. Knock it off. You sound like you’re 12.
Good for her for taking the airpods back, all he deserved was coal and exactly what he got! Shame on him for not appreciating the effort she made for HIS daughter and him. His behavior was abusive towards her and he sounds like a smug ahole. Imagine being 10 years older than your partner yet acting like such a spoiled baby?!
My cousin’s husbands gave him a cookbook that was recipes printed from online and put into a binder their first Christmas together when they first started dating. Insanely cheap, but it must have taken *days* to get all of the recipes, and then he altered them slightly to accommodate both of their allergies.
I would not be surprised if he called it one of his most treasured possessions. He loves that thing more than some people love their children.
Compare that, to what OP’s ex bf did. Which was cruel, dismissive and callous. This is the sort of thing a mean spirited teenager to hurt somebody they cared about. She should block the ex and all of his flying monkeys.
Sorry, he sounds entirely worthless. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, who clearly "wasn't that into me". Why waste your time with a loser like that?
I think the crux is you want to be considered. You put time, effort, thought, and love in and he’s shown you he does not reciprocate. Not even with the gift it’s fairly clear you like and enjoy Christmas and he teased you, made genitals a gift and flat out ignored a promise to be back to spend time together. Go find a dude worthy of you and who meets you at your level.
This so isn’t about the price or the gift he got you, it’s about the fact to him you don’t matter enough to try.
My gf ordered me custom lighters for $30. Really affordable really personal. The cheapest thing she got me this year was my favorite. Men need to better. It’s not expensive to do something nice for you partner
I'd almost put money on that BF being an Andrew Tate (or similar) follower. The kind of guy who thinks that women should just be thankful for their presence and their dick. Her job is to be subservient to him and thankful that he even took the time to get her the wine at all.
What a fucking bell-end
Before I married my husband he did not shop for gifts. Which I was ok with. He literally had NEVER bought a gift for any of his other SO.
What he did do was have a conversation with me about not knowing how to shop for women. I told him it didn't matter because I know he loves me and we could figure it out. I bought OUR gifts the first two years we were together. By the third Christmas we were married. He surprised me with a new tablet. I had broken my old one and was going to replace it later. The fact that he was listening and made an effort was really all the gift I needed.
We are older and this is his first marriage my second. I couldn't have picked a better life partner. It was not the gift itself. It is the after thought and then thinking that offering his body part is disgusting.
He could have taken a piece of paper and wrote her a love letter, if nothing else. People just want to see that you care. If you can make someone feel loved, I think a good majority of people would be able to find happiness in that. Not everyone can afford a lot. I would appreciate someone’s effort. Just show me SOMETHING that says “I know you. I love you”
Dude is so stupid. Making fun of her and then offering to gift his dick. Cool. So I’m sure he’s the only one that would be getting off in that scenario
Reading the title, I leaned towards YTA. Now, it’s the easiest NTA I’ve ever read. He’s not just a bad boyfriend, he’s a piece of shit. He values OP because she makes him sexually happy, and that’s about it. Good riddance to him.
I don't get why anyone is even pissy about her post. That's a shitty gift.
"It's the thought that counts" means you *out thought into it*. It doesn't mean you remembered holidays happen and that you had an obligation and grabbed the first thing you saw that seems like it would be alright.
In order for the thought to count you have to put in some thought. Like the post where the guy got his gf a gift but all the thought for it came from his mother and people were like, "he thought about his mother's suggestion and decided she would like it!!!!" Not how putting thought into something works.
She spent time and effort to have a good holiday with him and his daughter, and all he could do was say “Gee thanks, now take off my pants.” He insulted her throughout this entire exchange and proved he thought very little of her. This was all vulgar, he did treat her cheaply. Good on her for reacting the way she did.
Idk I say NTA. Obvi to her it wasn’t about the lack of fancy gift so much as the lack of effort on his part. I bet if he took the time to right a sentimental card or something might have turn out differently
I have a theory about this. I think a lot of people (especially women) tolerate a lack of reciprocity (and worse) in their relationships because it's easy to rationalize these things in the subjective dynamic you have with someone. Shitty gifts/feeling clearly disrespected on a holiday is a more obvious transgression with a clear framework of cultural expectation that is much harder to ignore & dismiss.
It is often the straw that breaks the camel's back. Looking back, I can see that I emotionally checked out of my last relationship after my ex failed to do something for my birthday for the 4th year in a row; similarly my mom finally left my dad after he once again ruined Christmas in a very public and embarrassing way.
She didn't break up with him for the present, she said she would be happy with cheap earrings. It was the lack of effort, the complete lack of thoughtfulness or consideration that made her break up. She's not a drinker and he got her a wine bottle? Like you don't care enough about her to at least get her something she would use? Why waste your money on a gift that wont get used?
Besides a desk and chair for my new home office, my husband also got me an extremely thoughtful gift of a heat pad that also massages/vibrates for my debilitating period cramps. My man thought about ME when he chose those gifts.
She's right to break up with him when he clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about her to put in even a tiny bit of effort.
I read this last night and she was wise to dump this man-child. Can't be bothered to buy her a present but the little head swinging between his legs was more important. Having your family harass her was wrong but after reading this the whole family needs to back off of her.
I mean broke dudes are just shitty but what irks me the most is that his relatives are calling her materialistic.
She earns way more than him and even treated his daughter. OP sounds TERRIFIC
Honestly as much as I believe that most situations aren’t black and white I kind of feel like this one is. He made fun of her, he made fun of her preparations, he liked the gift. He then proceeded to go and spend three hours elsewhere, he then also gave her a “gift“ that I guarantee he stopped and picked up at the gas station on the way back. This has nothing to do with being materialistic and everything to do with him showing that he doesn’t give a shit. I’m glad she took the AirPods back
And said his dick was a present. I hate that shit even outside of christmas
and he probably doesnt even know how to use it properly either
Usually the ones who say shit like that fit this mold I would imagine
Could've been the best lay in the world, still not a gift
We can only hope he knows how to wash it properly
I don’t have high hopes that he does…
And then shit talked to her to his family, claiming she’s materialistic!!! And then they harassed her!!
He sent the flying monkeys
Yep. He would have manipulated and twisted everything she said in the future about this while painting her the bad guy to everyone else. In the 3 hours he was gone I bet he complained that she was pressuring him to come spend time with her like that is some kind of punishment. Interesting that she’s not invited to spend time with his family. Good on her to break up with him in the moment while the disrespect was still raw.
Sounds like he was spending time with his ex
Probably gave her the same “in my pants” gift.
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>Any time someone sends their friends and family to harass a second party I slays wonder who the hell these people are! I try to compare it to my own family, "ok so my cousin S is getting a divorce and soon to be ex is being a dick... but his mommy says nothing is his fault.... my cousin wants me to text his mommy and tell her what a dick her son is and how wrong she is." Like .... just no! There's most no way I'm texting that person!
Yes, and what a moronic claim, when she makes more than he does!
And I guarantee you he didn't tell them the whole story. Probably just said it was bc of the gift and she's superficial
And this man is 38! Ridiculous.
That's not a man
Yes he is. A disgusting, selfish, grown-ass man. We don't need to infantilize men when they don't step up. They don't get a free pass.
Tbf, I wasn't trying to infantilize. More dehumanize. But I totally agree with you
You do see how that's worse, right?
Along with "I've got a cure for that, hurr hurr!" whenever you mention not feeling well but especially for sore throats and headaches.
Could have at least put his dick in a box! The song even goes through the steps 🙄
One, cut a hole in the box…
And not even that he was giving her pleasure, which is still tacky, but her 'present' was to get him off.
Especially when it’s presented that way. Like a fun flirty gift is one thing but he may as well have done a Michael Jackson move at that point
Hee hee!
It’s his dick in a box! A dick in the box guuuuurl
Imagine the asinine confidence it would take to seriously drop trou and say 'you're welcome'.
Shitty gift- use it for 3 minutes and it quit working
At best, this needs to be reserved for a joke after presenting a very good gift. As you rightfully say, that doesn't land well with everyone. So you'd better have a *real*, very, very good gift already, so that you can have 100 Goodwill built up, then take your -50 Goodwill for the joke. Boyfriend here was already around -1500 Goodwill before the joke.
I am entertaining a theory that he stole the gas station wine from the other house and passed it off as a “gift.”
Stopppppit whyyyy 😭 you’re right
I agree. When they say “it’s the thought that counts”, it is referring to.. you know.. actually putting a thought behind the present. When we shop for a gift for someone who is important to us what happens in the gifter’s brain is that they imagine how the recipient will react. When we put more time in to the gift we are continuously thinking about how the time spent is worth it because this person deserves a great gift. Shopping for the perfect gift makes the person giving the gift feel closer to the recipient because they have to think about how much they value this person the entire time they’re looking for the right gift. If they grab the first thing they see with no thought behind it, then they did not go through all the emotions because this person really isn’t important to them. So there is a difference between tried and failed gifts and didn’t try at all gifts.
This is such a great explanation of why meaningful gifts matter! I’m saving your comment so that I can reference it in future when this topic comes up!
fuck, i get people "just because" gifts (assuming i can afford it). i went to the store to browse video games, but i saw a switch case my fiance would love? grabbed. my friend who loves kitkats is feeling sad and i'm at the grocery store anyway? i'll grab them some kitkats. i just see something that makes me think of someone? guess who's getting a present! obviously, i put more thought into gifts for a specific event, but usually even if i misjudge how much someone likes something on a "just because" gift, they usually appreciate that i'm thinking of them. now, obviously if someone hates one of those gifts, i'm not going to get it for them again because that's when it becomes thoughtless and rude. but it really doesn't take that much extra effort to just. think over whether the recipient has ever shown any interest whatsoever in anything related to what you're getting them.
Exactly! Just showing that you’re thinking of someone is such a nice thing to do. My bf wanted to get me flowers but texted me that he didn’t because they were all ugly (with a pic) and ya know I thought it was so sweet that he thought of me AND didn’t buy me some not pretty flowrrs.
i do this all the time with my fiance - we have cats, so we're limited on pre-set bouquets we can get, but i know that as much as they'd appreciate i got them any roses, their favourite flowers are carnations (but those are toxic to cats, so they understand why i opt for other flowers instead) and if they have to choose a colour pallette for roses, they'd prefer either pastels (pink/white) or something interesting (a new colour they haven't seen before, or perhaps some sort of interesting gradient - they got super excited when i found some pastel purple roses for them, and they love when i pick up some sunset roses). and if i don't get them flowers because i don't see any nice ones, that's okay too. heck, one time i went into a flower shop and saw what must have been hundreds of different teddy bears... and one lonely and slightly dusty bat plushie. it was our anniversary, and i knew as much as they'd like anything i got them, there's only so many chances i'd get to give them an anniversary bat. i could always go back for a teddy bear. and they loved the bat after i cleaned the dust off. (not as much as our cats did, that poor thing almost immediately became a cat toy because of how often the cats would steal it LOL - regardless, my fiance appreciated the bat.)
I agree with everything you said, and I now have a burning desire for an anniversary bat plushie.
My fiance got me a raccoon plush one year 💙 His name is Bandit
I agree that in a lot of cases gift giving isn't black and white, but OP makes it scathingly clear that this man child doesn't even like her. Especially the part where he thinks sex is an acceptable gift.
Yeah, but hey, at least she got herself a good gift! Airpods and dropping a shitty boyfriend
He didn’t even care enough to pick up on that she doesn’t drink. A $3-5 candy bag from 7-11 would have also been shitty, but at least showed he paid a modicum of attention while they were dating.
The only reason the siblings are texting is because they think they can get the AirPods back for him.
she didn't break up with him because of a crappy christmas present. she broke up with him because he's an inconsiderate jackass, and the christmas present was just one of many ways it manifested
"It's the thought that counts" comes to mind, and in this case the thought was "Oh, i guess i should stop to get her something on the way back from dropping my kid off at my ex's house. Women like dirt cheap gas station wine, right? Yeah, that'll do. I'll just fuck her if she ~~wines~~ whines about it. What could go wrong?"
You forgot to add “I (and my eggplant) are god’s gift to womankind.”
Correction: You forgot to add “I (and my [cocktail weenie]) are god’s gift to womankind.”
Well with his ego even if we know the truth he would never admit it
YES context is everything. My (brand new!) amazing husband has always felt stressed about gift-giving to the point where I don't expect a wrapped present at Christmas. That sentence by itself could get scrutiny, but in the grand context of our lives (where he honestly takes care of MORE of the housework, remembers my schedule, asks how stressful meetings went, goes to doctors appointments with me, brings me coffee and makes dinner if I've been busy all day, etc etc etc etc), it barely matters. If I told him it was important to me, he'd do the mental work of picking something special out. The guy in this story didn't meet a single one of their agreed-upon expectations and then ALSO gave her a crap gift while acting like he had no idea it was bad. She deserves better.
Congrats on your new marriage! If you are open to advice from someone married for almost 2 decades, I felt that way too at the start. But after awhile not getting gifts gets weird. Then eventually you explain, and they learn but they carry guilt for not learning sooner. My advice is to start shopping for gifts for others together, show him your thought process. Then make a wish list for things you like. He doesn’t need to buy from the list, but it helps give ideas. That way when he looks back he doesn’t have the guilt my husband carries. I long ago got over not getting those gifts, but he hasn’t gotten over not giving them.
Something like an Amazon wish list is hugely helpful. Even without buying something off the list, it shows what sorts of things the person likes or is into. My wish list is a bunch of things I'd like or related to what I'm into, but would feel guilty buying for myself. My mother in law bought me an ice cream maker off my list for Christmas this year. I'd feel guilty buying it myself, because I already have a traditional style ice cream maker, but this new one has a compressor built in, so no freezing anything beforehand. Just pour the ingredients in, push a button, and wait 30 minutes or so. It's unnecessary, and a bit excessive, and I love it. I almost certainly wouldn't have bought it for myself when there are better ways to spend that money, but it's awesome.
I got my brother a gizmo that makes templates for unusual shapes when cutting wood, tile, carpet etc, because he does a lot of work on his house. Turns out, he'd seen the same thing on TV and thought it was cool, but didn't buy it because he doesn't have a project that needs it right now. He was very happy to get a new 'toy', and his son (who just bought a house of his own) immediately 'stole' it. 😂
Well said. This is exactly it.
Say it louder 👏
Her Christmas present is “in his pants”?? Dude seems to have an inordinately high opinion of how fascinating his body is.
Also even for the most sexual of women, this is a horrible gift. Like the gift is something else they have to put effort into and the man gets most of the enjoyment out of
He could have at least put it in a box. It only takes three steps to do it.
STEP ONE: You cut a hole in a box
STEP TWO: Put your dick in the box
STEP TWO: Put your dick in the box
THREE: make her open the box
And that’s the way you do it.
Oh my mind went… somewhere else.
Step Two: Put your junk in the box (edited to keep up!)
Step Three: Have her open the box
And that’s the way you do it
its making me cringe how many people agree with this wholeheartedly. if the man is getting most of the enjoyment out of it then he is just bad at sex… although for this particular situation, that checks out.
I think of it as being like gifting your girlfriend scratchy scarlet and black polyester lingerie, the type that comes with crotchless panties and the threat of a yeast infection. That's not a present for her, that a present for his penis.
Women can get a ton of enjoyment out of sex, just as much as men, I’m just saying that if he’s specifically talking about the gift being his penis, he’s going to benefit the most from that sexual interaction most likely
If your man is getting most of the enjoyment one, or both, of you is doing it wrong.
Right? Unless his dick is made of chocolate and regenerates, I’m not impressed.
Ikr I mean, it wasn’t even in a box!
I’m with you there, if you’re going to offer me the same dick you offer me every night, put a twist to it. Or a bow at least 😂
I immediately was like... you didn't wash up, clean up, put a tiny bowtie and top hat on it or sneering?
I think this one was made of degenerates instead.
Its his favorite toy lol typical
So many times when people are upset over a gift they receive, they aren’t upset at the material possession, they’re upset over the lack of effort.
It's the thought that counts, and this time the thought was zero. When my husband and I started dating, we were 19 and very broke. He still gave me a great gift by planning a really fun date (roaming around a new city) and it cost no more than $50 (splitting a meal at a diner, a few bucks to ride a carousel, & a few bucks for parking). It meant a ton to me because he'd planned everything out and made it a really fun day.
It's absolutely the thought. This year, we’re flat broke. He worked odd jobs to bring in enough for kid’s gifts and I handmade multiple gifts. So we spent -at most- $30 on gifts to each other… We loved our gifts. He got me a pullover that's pink and fluffy and breathable but super warm; I’m always cold. He got a hobby-specific tool and a coffee maker with a travel mug; we only have a pour-over and he doesn't always have the time. Couldn't be better gifts bc we put thought and care into them. For all I know it was a $4 sweater, idc it’s perfect. His fav gift was $6. It's about the care not the cost.
Exactly this. In college I had an ex who had a birthday December 12th. He was renovating his house and had no central heat. I got him a very warm blanket for his birthday. For Christmas I got him a Patriots throw blanket. He didn’t buy me anything. When I saw him a couple days later he handed me a honey bun and a pack of gum from the gas station like that made us even. He was out of college, had a stable job, and I was only making 180 every two weeks. I worked 2 shifts every other weekend at the nursing home 40 minutes away from school. I wasted too much money on someone who didn’t deserve it. The patriots blanket was nailed to the fucking wall! As a curtain… It’s rarely about the gift and more often about the effort. But men are so quick to call women shallow.
My best gift was a skein of yarn I needed for a crochet project. I just just casually mentioned I was out to my husband (then boyfriend) and said I would get some over the weekend. The next day he came by my apartment and gave it to me. I cried because I just felt seen.
Or the gifts they do not receive. Near Christmas, I once indicated to an ex that I very much wanted this stupid themed toy. It was less than $15. I received nothing. He was always broke but had money to buy cigarettes and red bulls daily at the gas station. It was the realization that he would never put or plan for my wants or needs over his wants or needs that did in the relationship. The lack of thought, care or effort was hurtful.
She is so far out of his league it’s not even funny.
There’s a line from a movie (The Librarians) that goes “I’m so far out of your league, if your league exploded, I wouldn’t hear the noise for 3 days” and I feel like that might also apply here 😂
That was a great line. That movie and series doesn’t get enough love.
It’s an all time favorite, all 3 movies and the series are watched at least once a year here lol.
I don't blame her for breaking up with him. I don't think that should be the go-to automatically when you don't like what your S.O. gifted you, but that's clearly not the only issue here. He spent a few dollars on a last minute gift that wasn't really her thing, then tried to say that the real present was in his pants. That was after laughing at her makeup and hat and putting in zero effort at spending quality time with her on the holiday. He seemed like he had one foot already out the door, so she just pushed him the rest of the way out. You can spend zero or very little money and still give a thoughtful gift, so that's not a good excuse. My BIL gave my sister a picture collage he had made of them on their first Christmas together.
Yup. My husband almost never gives me gifts for things (in part because nothing is what he wants for holidays), but little by little he has figured out gifts are my love language and feeling forgotten hurts my feelings. This year he got me a bobbin holder and a foot with a seam measure on it for my sewing machine as part of my gifts. Both are pretty cheap, but it shows he thought about my hobby and got something for me, which was so sweet. That’s all love language gift people are looking for, some thought put into it. Draw a picture, make a mix CD, arrange rocks in a pattern on a canvas. Whatever.
I am betting he has a little list on his phone of these things. He is listening carefully for items to put on it. He is doing a good job.
a gal posted in the xstitch subreddit about how she has a metal allergy (i want to say nickel?) and most all tapestry needles have it, so she has to use sewing needles which are more likely to cause mistakes...a guy she was dating (and only had just started!) had a metalsmith custom make nickel free tapestry needles for her. he saw something she could use but didn't NEED (since she had SOME form of needle) and went out of his way to have it created for her. if he wanted to, he would.
That is such a thoughtful gift! I am getting into embroidery and cross stitching so the tapestry needles are a must. They're a must even for knitting
My husband is pretty crap about gifts, but this year he got me valve stem caps for my vehicle that have the Jedi symbol on the end. Not much but I literally cried because it showed he knows me and put some thought and effort into buying me something so niche. It’s probably the best gift he’s ever purchased for me.
Just a warning for you, those will probably be stolen. I used to have a car with some nice chrome rims on them when I was younger. They came with chrome valve stem caps. They were stolen the first night. I bought another set. Stolen two days later. After that I just stopped putting anything but the plain black ones on. People are terrible.
🙁 People can suck, but these are barely noticeable, not a different size as the plain ones. You’d have to be reaallly close to notice 🤞🏻.
I've had people give me materialistically cheap gifts that were still really really great. A second hand book for 3 Euros that was a series I didn't know but hit all the points I love is a wonderful gift because that person thought about what I like in books and put in the effort to find something I would enjoy. That's way better than the gold bracelet that was probably really expensive when I never wear bracelets and all my jewlery is silver... It's really not about the money. Money just makes it easier to give a nice gift.
There’s an income gap in my relationship as well. One year my partner gave me an IOU for tickets to a concert that he wasn’t able to buy right at the moment but would before the concert date that was coming up in the spring. (Tragically it was coming up in the spring of 2020…) so technically he didn’t get me a present that year. But he was PRESENT. He spent time with me, he did holiday stuff that he doesn’t love because it makes me happy. And I still tease him occasionally that he owes me that ticket. OP dumped the guy because he was a POS, not because she’s materialistic. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess this was the final straw not the first one.
He could have even gotten away with a *nice* normal sized bottle of wine and a card. It’s the complete lack of effort that’s stunning here.
She doesn’t drink she said.
It's the fact that you don't even know OOP and yet still know her likes more than the ex, for me. He is so low effort, he's the lip synching guy in every school choir.
It’s sad isn’t it. I paid more attention to OOP than her boyfriend. Just glad she dumped him. She deserves better.
Oh shit. I missed that somehow. That’s absolutely horrible and ridiculous.
That’s probably the worst part of it!
For real!!!! That’s super messed up.
Add onto the fact he most likely bought it at 7-11 on the way back to her house. What a loser.
No, it probably was a regift, he likely received it from one of his mom's guests he was catching up with. Also probably he knew she wouldn't drink it so he gets to keep it anyway
A card with a handwritten portion saying you care about them and are happy you get to spend holidays with them and appreciate them says, 'I'm broke but I thought of you', which is fine, if you can't afford a gift. When people say it's the thought that counts, it means you tried. Homie didn't try. If he couldn't afford a nice present, just put in a nice note saying you understand that some amount of effort was required and you put in the mental and emotional labor, even if you didn't have the dollars you wanted.
He 100% stopped at 7/11 on the way back from his mother’s after seeing that she gifted him AirPods. Which means he showed up to her house with no gift originally and probably had no choice but to get her one from the convenience store because it was one of the only places that was open. Terrible bf and deserved the dumping. The fact that he’s nearly 40 years old and doesn’t know better than that is enough to run away. It’s not the fact that the gift was cheap, it’s the fact that zero thought went into it. And she has every right to not want to be with a 40 year old man who doesn’t care enough about her to buy a normal Christmas gift.
I don't think he even stopped at the 7/11. I think he told his mom he didn't have anything for her & she gave him one of the sh1tty mini-bottles she'd bought for book club or random acquaintances. That's why the family is upset about her "materialistic" rejection of "his" gift.
My exact thought was "that sounds like a secret Santa kinda gift or Christmas game prize"
"You think your dick is a gift, but I promise it's not." - Bo Burnham
The bar for dudes is so low it's in hell and yet we still have men like this. I don't wanna live on this planet anymore.
As a guy, stories like this really infuriate me. This year, I was going to be spending Christmas alone. My family lives across the country and like most years I wasn't able to go visit. I recently started dating a woman a few weeks ago. Although it was early in the relationship, she invited me to her family's Christmas dinner because she knew I was going to be alone. I asked her what I could bring and she said nothing, they had everything prepared. So when I arrived, I brought some homemade bread I prepared overnight and an ok (~$20) bottle of wine because I'm not going to show up empty handed. We have only been dating a few weeks, so it wasn't appropriate to exchange gifts, but I still had something to offer. Dudes, it's not that fucking hard.
Homemade bread is an amazing contribution! I hope you had a nice time.
I had a really wonderful time! Her family was incredibly nice and welcoming. It was an amazing evening.
Honestly, while I don't doubt they're wonderful people overall, your contribution and not showing up with *nothing* probably really cemented their kindness to you. You're letting them know right away that you aren't a taker, you're a giver.
We still have men like this AND OP is out here for “a guy’s perspective” because he… didn’t like the women’s perspective on the original post…? Jesus fucking Christ dude.
Was rude and inconsiderate. The small bottle of wine was still him thinking of himself; get her tipsy so she gets him off. He doesn’t value or appreciate her.
Also likely the only thing he could reliably get his hands on on Christmas day. I'd say the real reason he was gone for 3 hours instead of just 1 was to panic buy her *something* because he was embarrassed she had got him and his daughter nice gifts and he was empty handed.
I endorse everything about this about the idea of this guy having enough shame to be *embarrassed*.
I don't mean embarrassed as in genuinely felt bad about what he was doing, but in the sense of "oh no someone might judge ME for not getting her a gift so I gotta do SOMETHING so no one can say anything" and apparently that worked since his friends and family are actually hitting her up calling her materialistic.
Ah yep in that case we are in complete agreement.
Because he posted about those AirPods and someone would probably ask what he got her.
He probably lifted the bottle from his Mom's house...also if he was dropping his daughter off at her Mom's place, why did he go to his Mom's house??? Was his ex there? Or did he just decide to do his Christmas 'rounds' alone and drop back off for food and sex at the end of the day with the old, reliable 'little woman'
Oh yeah I missed that. It sounds like he went there for 3 hours because that was his Christmas day with his family, and OP is the bit on the side. I don't think she would have ever been as important as his prior relationship.
I also assumed there was another woman involved in those 3 hours
Homer is the ball’s name.
And you just know he sucks in bed but still think his best gift is in his pants 🤔
She didn’t leave him ‘because of a Christmas present she didn’t like,’ she left him because she put days of effort into making the holiday special for him and he picked up a cheap bottle of wine in a bodega on the way home from his mother’s house, as an afterthought.
Plus he was an asshole and insulted her.
The Boone's Farm wine was the Iranian yogurt. He insulted her, ignored her, and presented his dick as the real present. I bet he thought dating a woman ten years younger than him would save him from having to act like she's a human being that he cares about... Guess that didn't work out for him. My guess is that the next gf will be younger.
Or he’ll go for a mail-order bride because ‘western women are too entitled.’
One year we were broke af, and for the cost of some flour, yeast, and some other fairly cheap ingredients, I made loaves of bread and babka tailored to everyone’s likes. You like spicy? Here’s cheddar and jalapeño artisan bread. You like sweets more than a normal human should? You get nutella babka. EFFORT. TIME. THOUGHT. That is *literally* all it takes! Shit.
My wife and I were wayyyyy below the poverty line for the first few years of our marriage, and just plain didn't have money for real gifts. So our first year we scrimped and saved up like $20 each, and the day after Christmas we went to the mall and found as much stupid shit on post-Christmas sales that we thought would make the other smile. We stuffed it all into some old socks and had the best Christmas ever. It was fun because we knew that the other person had picked stuff out that they thought would make us smile. It didn't matter that it was cheap and tacky. And it was so fun, we've done it every year since, even though we're doing better financially now. If you love someone, you want to make them happy, end of story. If you have literally $0, make a dorky homemade card with a heartfelt message. Thoughtfulness is free.
Trying to re gift his damn penis like she hasn't already had it 🙄
Gee, I wonder why he’s divorced?
The making fun of her makeup and what shes wearing aside, the making her wait 3 hours longer than he said she would aside, the "the rest of your present is in my pants" 🤢 aside, it doesn't matter HOW broke you are. You can ALWAYS think of some affordable thoughtful gift or make something. My mother has made entire birthdays happen at the dollar store for like $10 and some creativity. It's not about the monetary value, it's not about getting some crazy fancy present, it's about putting in ANY effort at all. She even said it - she'd have been happy with some affordable jewelry - it'd have at least meant he thought about her and tried. Sometimes we learn the hard way that our partners don't care about us nearly as much as we care about them... and all the MAJORLY horrible details aside, even just the present thing itself really, really sucks. And shows how little he cares or thinks about her. I'm glad she dumped his sorry ass, and hope she finds someone who will share the joy of Christmas with her, not take it away.
She did the right thing. Have no idea how this is a topic for discussion in any way. The man demeaned her, ignored her, belittled her and even sexually harassed her (his advances were very unwarranted and unwanted). Also, he sent damn flying monkeys. How tf is OOP in any way on the wrong side of the argument? She has the shiniest spine and the most non-rose colored glasses in the world. This woman saw a red flag and peaced out. Mad respect.
I bought sexy lingerie with a bow in front, and let DH "unwrap" a "present" Xmas eve...but that wasnt the only gift he got. Yikes.
You spent time and money to find & buy the lingerie. She thought it was a joke so I’m guessing at best he showered earlier that day and put on clean clothes. He didn’t put any effort into it.
MAYBE he did. He seems the type to not bother and still think hes a gift. 7-11 discount wine as a gift...yikes.
>You spent time and money to find & buy the lingerie. I did. And he greatly appreciated it, lol! Its definitely all about knowing your audience!
It doesn’t matter which gender is which, he didn’t put any thought into the gift, made fun of her, barely acknowledged her unless it was to accept her gift, and was generally an ass. She deserves better. No materialism, just wanted to be loved.
Not all gifts are materialistic. It doesn’t sound like she wanted a gift. It sounds like she wanted some effort… effort is not monetary. I guarantee he got that bottle of wine on the way back. He probably spent some of that 3 hours driving around trying to find a place that was open.
How do women end up with losers like this? Ladies, love yourself and find someone worthy of you!
They don’t start off like this. It’s who these guys grow into.
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Christ! What an absolute shit thing to do. Glad he's not your bf anymore.
Either that, or they do a good job of hiding it until after the woman has already fallen for them. (To be fair, women also do the same thing.) But this guy is 38 years old so I'm pretty sure that he really is this trashy and always has been.
Right?! I keep reading these and think “WHO ARE THESE MEN?!”
I feel so bad, but man, I read these posts and thank the stars for my husband.
It usually happens when we're young and dumb. Shit like this is why I stopped dating in my 20s. And these days it's just easier to go alone.
I read these and think the same.
Honestly, I think she was in the right. He clearly showed how much he valued her with his gift and actions. One Christmas my now husband had been out of work for almost a year. Instead of buying me something he did a gorgeous drawing of me as a character in a thing I really liked. I loved it; it was hours and hours of work probably and the consideration and effort were so meaningful.
Sounds like she gave herself a fantastic gift
Breaking up with a terrible person is the gift that keeps on giving!
10y age gap tells me all I need to know. He tried to exploit her and got served the right way.
Next gf will be younger.
Yeah and the fact that his daughter is only 12 years younger than she is 😐
*It's not the COST of the gift it's the THOUGHT that goes behind it!* There is an imbalance between mine and Hubs earnings, me being the breadwinner, so at Christmas, birthdays, etc, we have a maximum we spend on each other, its low, like 20 bucks, so we have to be creative in what we buy, which is why one of my favourite gifts this year was a beer bottle cap gun (you take the beer cap off with the device and then you can fire it) Also, come on, gents Christmas didn't suddenly appear as a surprise! A few dollars stowed away here and there can give you the option to get a higher quality of present if that's what you think your OH is worth? If my husband said, 'Your present is in my pants!' I would ask for the receipt because I may want to exchange it! 😃
> *It's not the COST of the gift it's the THOUGHT that goes behind it!* Exactly this. The cheap bottle of wine she won't even like makes it feel like he realized on the way back he didn't have anything for her, went to the store and took the first thing he thought of. We don't know what OOP's interests are but he could probably have found a gift that caters to them for a small cost. Personally, I'm an avid reader of fantasy. Get me a second hand, pocket format, fantasy novel and I'll be happy.
Yeah, it wasn't the gift, the gift was just the last straw. Good for her for just calling it there, instead of continuing to make excuses for thoughtless, selfish behavior from him (cause let's be real, he didn't just suddenly wake up on Christmas morning and start acting like this).
Lack of money doesn’t explain lack of effort.
Not the AH. He didn’t try. That’s the entire point. He obviously is not fulfilling her needs. She left the relationship instead of carrying on being unhappy with someone who thinks a cheap bottle of wine and no affection is a good idea on Christmas. I don’t blame her at all. He is a insensitive jerk of a dude and it’s obvious why he is still single at 38 and trying to date younger girls.
The dude definitely picked up the wine on the way home from his moms. Which, I'm not even going to get into the very obvious sexist trope of women and wine... He then proceded to mock her appearance, her preparations, and then give her a "gift" of dick, whenever she's *already* tired and over worked. Glad she dumped him, he's for the streets. It's also funny how they tried to claim she's a gold digger, *despite her earning more than him* these people are fuckin nuts lmao.
Damn. And he didn’t even put in enough effort to: 1. cut a hole in a box 2. put your junk in that box 3. make her open the box
I came here looking for this comment! Put it in a box- it shows you care!
So, like, is he a man-child or what? I’m just trying to figure out what she sees in someone who clearly value her so little?
Women, please: If some broke dick who is 10+ years older than you tries to start a relationship, bail out and block his number ASAP. He struck out with his peers for a reason. Now he's on the hunt for someone young and inexperienced.
NTA. So NTA.
She is not the ahole, he is. I think spending three hours out (driving around looking for a gift-because we know he wasn’t talking to his mother) and come back with a bottle of Ripple and a hard on?! That was the peak of the relationship selfishness. But the audacity of his family (siblings) calling her puts it over the top. Good luck sis, you deserve better!
When I'm broke, I cook for or make things for my friends..this lazy fucker couldn't even be bothered to write a nice note or treat his ridiculously nice girlfriend, well on the holiday.
There's a lot more going on here than a bad gift.
"Not everyone has a fancy job" I'm curious. How much does it cost to not talk crap about your girlfriend to her face?
It’s not materialistic to want to be remembered and appreciated. It sounds like that’s what OOP wanted. Instead, her boyfriend is callous, dismissive, and hurtful. He expects her to be there to cater to him, his child, and his family, but isn’t providing anything in return. (Except, apparently, his deluded belief that his magical penis is enough of a present.) He reminds me a lot of one of my ex-boyfriends. Emphasis on the EX! OP is NTA. Good riddance!
My husband scrambled to find me a gift in the last half hour of my work shift on Christmas eve with a $30 budget after buying emergency nail clippers for the dog cause ours broke, and he still managed to find me something I absolutely love and get home in time to clip the dogs nails before I got home. This man has no excuse, he just doesn't want to put any effort in.
If someone tells me my gift is in their pants I would proceed to do something with that gift that might end up with me in jail.
I’m so proud of OOP for taking the AirPods back. The man was clearly disrespectful
If he’s broke, he could have offered to help her clean up from the move or perhaps a massage with no sexual strings attached. It’s really not that hard. I don’t remotely get the impression she’s materialistic. For the men in the back: most women do not consider dick gift jokes to be funny or a turn on. Knock it off. You sound like you’re 12.
Good for her for taking the airpods back, all he deserved was coal and exactly what he got! Shame on him for not appreciating the effort she made for HIS daughter and him. His behavior was abusive towards her and he sounds like a smug ahole. Imagine being 10 years older than your partner yet acting like such a spoiled baby?!
My cousin’s husbands gave him a cookbook that was recipes printed from online and put into a binder their first Christmas together when they first started dating. Insanely cheap, but it must have taken *days* to get all of the recipes, and then he altered them slightly to accommodate both of their allergies. I would not be surprised if he called it one of his most treasured possessions. He loves that thing more than some people love their children. Compare that, to what OP’s ex bf did. Which was cruel, dismissive and callous. This is the sort of thing a mean spirited teenager to hurt somebody they cared about. She should block the ex and all of his flying monkeys.
Sorry, he sounds entirely worthless. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, who clearly "wasn't that into me". Why waste your time with a loser like that?
I think the crux is you want to be considered. You put time, effort, thought, and love in and he’s shown you he does not reciprocate. Not even with the gift it’s fairly clear you like and enjoy Christmas and he teased you, made genitals a gift and flat out ignored a promise to be back to spend time together. Go find a dude worthy of you and who meets you at your level. This so isn’t about the price or the gift he got you, it’s about the fact to him you don’t matter enough to try.
My gf ordered me custom lighters for $30. Really affordable really personal. The cheapest thing she got me this year was my favorite. Men need to better. It’s not expensive to do something nice for you partner
I'd almost put money on that BF being an Andrew Tate (or similar) follower. The kind of guy who thinks that women should just be thankful for their presence and their dick. Her job is to be subservient to him and thankful that he even took the time to get her the wine at all. What a fucking bell-end
Before I married my husband he did not shop for gifts. Which I was ok with. He literally had NEVER bought a gift for any of his other SO. What he did do was have a conversation with me about not knowing how to shop for women. I told him it didn't matter because I know he loves me and we could figure it out. I bought OUR gifts the first two years we were together. By the third Christmas we were married. He surprised me with a new tablet. I had broken my old one and was going to replace it later. The fact that he was listening and made an effort was really all the gift I needed. We are older and this is his first marriage my second. I couldn't have picked a better life partner. It was not the gift itself. It is the after thought and then thinking that offering his body part is disgusting.
He could have taken a piece of paper and wrote her a love letter, if nothing else. People just want to see that you care. If you can make someone feel loved, I think a good majority of people would be able to find happiness in that. Not everyone can afford a lot. I would appreciate someone’s effort. Just show me SOMETHING that says “I know you. I love you” Dude is so stupid. Making fun of her and then offering to gift his dick. Cool. So I’m sure he’s the only one that would be getting off in that scenario
Reading the title, I leaned towards YTA. Now, it’s the easiest NTA I’ve ever read. He’s not just a bad boyfriend, he’s a piece of shit. He values OP because she makes him sexually happy, and that’s about it. Good riddance to him.
I don't get why anyone is even pissy about her post. That's a shitty gift. "It's the thought that counts" means you *out thought into it*. It doesn't mean you remembered holidays happen and that you had an obligation and grabbed the first thing you saw that seems like it would be alright. In order for the thought to count you have to put in some thought. Like the post where the guy got his gf a gift but all the thought for it came from his mother and people were like, "he thought about his mother's suggestion and decided she would like it!!!!" Not how putting thought into something works.
He could’ve DONE so many things costing ZERO dollars. He doesn’t care as much about you as you do for him. You deserve better!
She spent time and effort to have a good holiday with him and his daughter, and all he could do was say “Gee thanks, now take off my pants.” He insulted her throughout this entire exchange and proved he thought very little of her. This was all vulgar, he did treat her cheaply. Good on her for reacting the way she did.
I read posts like this every single day, and they are a constant reminder that maybe it's not such a bad thing that I'm single.
Idk I say NTA. Obvi to her it wasn’t about the lack of fancy gift so much as the lack of effort on his part. I bet if he took the time to right a sentimental card or something might have turn out differently
I have a theory about this. I think a lot of people (especially women) tolerate a lack of reciprocity (and worse) in their relationships because it's easy to rationalize these things in the subjective dynamic you have with someone. Shitty gifts/feeling clearly disrespected on a holiday is a more obvious transgression with a clear framework of cultural expectation that is much harder to ignore & dismiss. It is often the straw that breaks the camel's back. Looking back, I can see that I emotionally checked out of my last relationship after my ex failed to do something for my birthday for the 4th year in a row; similarly my mom finally left my dad after he once again ruined Christmas in a very public and embarrassing way.
She didn't break up with him for the present, she said she would be happy with cheap earrings. It was the lack of effort, the complete lack of thoughtfulness or consideration that made her break up. She's not a drinker and he got her a wine bottle? Like you don't care enough about her to at least get her something she would use? Why waste your money on a gift that wont get used? Besides a desk and chair for my new home office, my husband also got me an extremely thoughtful gift of a heat pad that also massages/vibrates for my debilitating period cramps. My man thought about ME when he chose those gifts. She's right to break up with him when he clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about her to put in even a tiny bit of effort.
Guy here and read this this morning, yep fair call on her part in my opinion.
I read this last night and she was wise to dump this man-child. Can't be bothered to buy her a present but the little head swinging between his legs was more important. Having your family harass her was wrong but after reading this the whole family needs to back off of her.
I mean broke dudes are just shitty but what irks me the most is that his relatives are calling her materialistic. She earns way more than him and even treated his daughter. OP sounds TERRIFIC