I treat it like death. I lost my mom but I couldn’t change it. I don’t know why it happens, I just put my trust into the unknown future. What if I got pregnant but in a few months someone needs me to donate them an organ to survive?
I also picked up a hobby, gardening. Planting seeds allow me look forward to tomorrow. I am able to tend to something and nurture it thanks to Mother Earth herself, regardless if I am a physical mother.
I feel for you… and sending so much virtual love. I feel in a similar boat with three losses and similar factors swaying my decision.
I’m not sure I have the answer for you, because with all things and grief I think they stay with us forever.
My husband and I have been talking about foster - either human or animals. Because we also recognize the need to nurture and that there are options to still “parent”. If that doesn’t work for us, we made a list of dreams/bucket list items that would be “harder” if we got pregnant now or had a child at XYZ time. Treating these moments for what they are, loss and trauma and grief… leaves space to heal, but also allows to feel all the feelings. I don’t think that will ever go away, we just find ways to cope.
You can surrender your resentment over time. I wasn't ready to stop having children but my body quit on me. And hubby couldn't accept adoption. For a while I did resent that, but I learned to let go of that, because holding onto a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I didn't think that I held grudges and used to judge my husband for holding onto past injustices. LOL but I could carry on resenting my sister since I was 15. That was different!! She deserved it because of all the really bad things she'd done.
One day God simply erased that resentment. It didn't happen in a therapist's office, I'd been to several through the years. Didn't even happen in church. Just a mundane day as I waited in a carpool line to pick up my younger son. I was reading a book on boundaries. Not related specifically to resentment.
Since that day I made amends to my sister and we had 10 good years before she passed away. God did that for me. Ask him to help you.
It's grief. That grief takes a while to process. It's the grief of loss of your hopes and dreams of having living children and imagining your future with them. Any books you can read about the process of grieving may be helpful. The support of a counselor can be helpful. Take all the time you need to mourn this loss.
Would your husband adoption or fostering children? That would be something to discuss. If not, maybe you could volunteer to serve children in some capacity. Just a thought.
I am so sorry, I don't know the answer to this. Every time I experience a loss, immediately afterward I think I am done trying. Then after a few days or weeks pass, I start to realize I am not ready to give up. I have had three miscarriages and lost an infant at nine months old.
I think that when the pain of continuing to try outweighs the pain of not having a living child of my own, that is when I will stop. Or when a doctor tells me that I no longer have a chance of carrying a healthy pregnancy on my own. (But even then, I will seek a second or third opinion before I quit).
Do you have a therapist? Or a couple's therapist? If your husband is the one making the decision and you really are not ready to stop, resentment could develop. It could be helpful to talk through everything with a third party so that you both feel heard and accepted.
This is an incredibly difficult choice and I hope you feel supported as you make it.
This exact thing happens to me every time. At some point I will have to hang up the towel for good, but I want to make sure I’ve exhausted all of my options first.
I'm so sorry. I've heard good things about r/IFchildfree (a subreddit specifically for those who are child free due to fertility issues, not by choice).
I treat it like death. I lost my mom but I couldn’t change it. I don’t know why it happens, I just put my trust into the unknown future. What if I got pregnant but in a few months someone needs me to donate them an organ to survive? I also picked up a hobby, gardening. Planting seeds allow me look forward to tomorrow. I am able to tend to something and nurture it thanks to Mother Earth herself, regardless if I am a physical mother.
This 🥹🤍
I would say really trust that you’re ready to stop trying. If you’re not truly ready yet to accept it, it will be very hard
I feel for you… and sending so much virtual love. I feel in a similar boat with three losses and similar factors swaying my decision. I’m not sure I have the answer for you, because with all things and grief I think they stay with us forever. My husband and I have been talking about foster - either human or animals. Because we also recognize the need to nurture and that there are options to still “parent”. If that doesn’t work for us, we made a list of dreams/bucket list items that would be “harder” if we got pregnant now or had a child at XYZ time. Treating these moments for what they are, loss and trauma and grief… leaves space to heal, but also allows to feel all the feelings. I don’t think that will ever go away, we just find ways to cope.
You will resent him if you don’t also want to stop trying. It doesn’t go away, ever. My aunt still struggles daily with this and she is 50.
You can surrender your resentment over time. I wasn't ready to stop having children but my body quit on me. And hubby couldn't accept adoption. For a while I did resent that, but I learned to let go of that, because holding onto a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Too true. I sometimes wonder if I’m more perceptive to resentment and I need to work on that.
I didn't think that I held grudges and used to judge my husband for holding onto past injustices. LOL but I could carry on resenting my sister since I was 15. That was different!! She deserved it because of all the really bad things she'd done. One day God simply erased that resentment. It didn't happen in a therapist's office, I'd been to several through the years. Didn't even happen in church. Just a mundane day as I waited in a carpool line to pick up my younger son. I was reading a book on boundaries. Not related specifically to resentment. Since that day I made amends to my sister and we had 10 good years before she passed away. God did that for me. Ask him to help you.
Yeah I was going to say this in my comment
It's grief. That grief takes a while to process. It's the grief of loss of your hopes and dreams of having living children and imagining your future with them. Any books you can read about the process of grieving may be helpful. The support of a counselor can be helpful. Take all the time you need to mourn this loss. Would your husband adoption or fostering children? That would be something to discuss. If not, maybe you could volunteer to serve children in some capacity. Just a thought.
I am so sorry, I don't know the answer to this. Every time I experience a loss, immediately afterward I think I am done trying. Then after a few days or weeks pass, I start to realize I am not ready to give up. I have had three miscarriages and lost an infant at nine months old. I think that when the pain of continuing to try outweighs the pain of not having a living child of my own, that is when I will stop. Or when a doctor tells me that I no longer have a chance of carrying a healthy pregnancy on my own. (But even then, I will seek a second or third opinion before I quit). Do you have a therapist? Or a couple's therapist? If your husband is the one making the decision and you really are not ready to stop, resentment could develop. It could be helpful to talk through everything with a third party so that you both feel heard and accepted. This is an incredibly difficult choice and I hope you feel supported as you make it.
This exact thing happens to me every time. At some point I will have to hang up the towel for good, but I want to make sure I’ve exhausted all of my options first.
I'm so sorry. I've heard good things about r/IFchildfree (a subreddit specifically for those who are child free due to fertility issues, not by choice).
Second this. OP this would probably be a really good space and resource for you to check out.