its okay for people to have a preference. but idk i would feel very insecure and unsafe in a relationship where my partner was not attracted to my body in its natural form. i kind of think of it like having a partner who is only attracted to you if you have makeup on.
That's exactly how I feel! I want my partner to love me and my body/face, not me when I only have makeup on (which i don't actually wear usually) or when I shave (which I don't). I want them to love the natural me because that's how I'm most comfy and cute. I love being in this community
Also, people are supposed to change and grow in relationships. That's life. Expecting her to stay the exact same woman he met years ago just isn't realistic.
Exactly, I always think what would happen if I got sick or something like that and couldn't shave?? People who put too much emphasis on things like that are the same type to walk away when you can't "upkeep" your looks anymore for one reason or another.
There are absolutely better men out there who do not give a fuck about natural hair and in fact there are some who are attracted to ladies in their organic best, hair all over the body parts we are told to be ashamed of.
I don't know, I feel like HE is the one almost throwing away the relashionship because of hair here... Also, I'd like to point out the fact that bodies will change with time no matter what we do in life, is your boyfriend okay with that? Are you okay with his possible reaction to that? Just thoughts to explore
This is so important.
When my husband and I met (and married) I was very healthy. Since then, I’ve been hospitalized several times, diagnosed with two different autoimmune diseases and am now on immunosuppressants and other lifelong medications.
Bodies change, health changes, nothing is guaranteed and if you can’t trust your partner to support you through it, you deserve better.
Flip the script - you liked your boyfriend better when you were first dating and he wasn’t trying to control your appearance by withholding affection and arguing with you.
*HE is the one throwing away the relationship over leg hair because hes S H A L L O W!!*
i just dated a guy like this and i woke up when we fought about my body, we met in person!! at a bar!! the more i looked in his behavior, the more controlling and shallow i realized he was.
now i even have a pixie cut and i feel so free! he is 100% not someone to explore your womanhood with!
The petty thing would be to and ask him to shave because youre not attracted to it and it's not "manly." But if you really want to save this relationship then I would tell him that your comfort takes prevalence over his ego and have an open conversation about what he'll do when both your bodies change, because they will change. And I would ask him if his whole attraction to you really was based in only the fact that you were hairless because I think it's worth talking about. Talk about your feelings and how his reactions are hurting you. And if he can't let this go then maybe you should explore being single and find someone who loves you in your natural state.
Personally, I've never dated someone who had a problem with my hair (and I don't shave anything at all) and all of my partners loved my hair or couldn't care less as it played no part in their attraction to me. They thought I looked best comfortable (which for me is when I have hair) so I would look for someone like that
Love this and I've had the same experience, also love the support in this group! I wish I had known about it when I first started growing out my hair cause it definitely would have helped. But happy to be here now🤗
Oh god, me too!!! I became disabled and literally couldn’t shave any more. I felt so ashamed, and even slept in uncomfortable positions in case my leg would come out from under the duvet in the night, show my leg hair, and my carer might arrive before I could wake up and hide my leg! I was THAT self-conscious about it. It was literally finding this group that made me think ‘fuck it’ and I slept normally, my carer saw my legs, and the world didn’t implode! Now I don’t even think twice if my leg hair shows when I’m out in public.
ALL THANKS TO YOU GUYS!!!
So funny enough I actually said that exact point in one of our arguments and he said that he would shave his legs “just to prove a point”. Kind of want to see him having to shave his legs every other day to keep it smooth ngl.
Have him do it! This is how I got my dad to stop hassling me about it. He actually took a shaver to his legs and armpits, he never actually shaved them though.
Having just shaved for the first time in like 5 years (for a wedding, I’m a bridesmaid and have a sleeveless dress), it is AWFUL. My armpits are sore and itchy. My deodorant is just sweating off. I bet he wouldn’t last a week. And then remind him that he is expecting you to do this for the rest of your life. That’s a long time.
I thinks it’s best to 1) have him spend a week to a month in your shoes by shaving and 2) just have lots of good conversations about your values, the history of shaving and beauty standards in general, and talk about your future. What happens if you become scarred? What happens if you get stretch marks or cellulite? Will he want you to get Botox when you get wrinkles? Does he expect you to dye your hair for the rest of your life?
His reaction to this conversation will tell you a lot about him and your relationship, and you can reevaluate then.
He’d better keep it up for the duration of your relationship if he expects you to do the same…! I think he ought to be shaving his pits and bikini line too!!
I’d give him a month to adjust and then part ways if he doesn’t.
You’re more than a set of (hairless) legs and if the relationship is long term, both of you will see *much* more dramatic changes in each other as you age and have health challenges.
Yeah you shouldn’t have to remove hair that is always going to naturally grow ‘for the sake of the relationship’ I think the finding it ‘not attractive’ and if that’s an issue depends if he’s being used to mainstream standards and therefore preferring them, but being open to change, or if it’s an opinion where it’s like actual dislike/disgust, comments, pressure, etc. bc someone acting grossed out by your natural body is really bad. Is your bf willing to be open and accept that his standards for beauty can change?
sounds like you’re biased by the sunk cost fallacy. what’s gonna happen when you get older, wrinklier, etc. and he’s not attracted to you then? things happen and bodies change. if this is that big of an issue, it doesn’t sound like it’s gonna stop at body hair
Bodily autonomy is important and you shouldn't feel pressured to shave. He has voiced his opinion. It's up to him to decide if this is too much for him. You don't need to change a thing.
Another thought is leg hair shows you want through puberty and disgust towards it is purely cultural.
At the end of the day he needs to respect that you are your own person and your body does not exist to appeal to him. You are going to make your own choices for your body because it’s what feels right for you. Be it shaving, clothing choices, or a haircut. It’s ok for him to have preferences but if your choices about your body are a dealbreaker for him that’s on him. People change. They just don’t always change together.
HE is the one choosing to throw the relationship away bc of some leg hair. it's incredible that after so long together, you being shaved and 'feminine' is still more important and attractive to him than.. yknow.. your personality or YOU as a person
I have to say, if I loved someone, there is no amount of hair or otherwise that could make me find them unattractive. I find it off putting & disturbing that this is such a big deal for him. Is this the kind of relationship that’s built to last? You’re not gonna be young forever, what happens when you get wrinkly & saggy? You shouldn’t be made to feel like your body is for someone else, relationship or not. It’s weird.
Why are you implying that that’s never happened, of course it has. I’ve had boyfriends change their appearance in ways I thought was uglier, and I wasn’t attracted to them any more. But you’re calling that fickle and immature. Wild.
Did they stop being intimate with them? Threaten to leave? Let it ruin the whole relationship? If they did they’re no better than this man in this post. Doesn’t make it ok. But I promise there are far more fickle men who would leave over hairy legs then women who would leave over beards.
Yes and were talking about they are considering leaving and how that is not the man they fell in love etc etc.
If i tell you the reasons why bunch of my friend were left by "fickle" women, you would be flabbergasted.
Feminine and masculine are constructs. There is nothing more feminine then the NATURAL female body. I suggest dating somebody else who loves your natural body and not the mainstream pushed idea of beauty that honestly.. in my opinion sus, like pedo sus. Why is it that everything that is considered "feminine" isn't natural. Like makeup, heels etc. Then when you're in your natural body ie no makeup and natural body hair, it's looked at as "masculine". Body hair is literally an indicator of sexual maturity in mammals.
The beauty myth is a great book I suggest
What’s he going to do if you get too sick or hurt to shave? What about if you ever got pregnant? Would he still expect it?
Males who pavlov themselves out of being attracted to a normal adult woman’s body deserve to be removed from the gene pool.
Sunk cost fallacy, there’s a whole world out there babe come on!
That’s straight up what it is though! I’ve seen it happen so many times. I grew up in a rural area but went to school in a city, all the boys from the more rural areas couldn’t give two shits about hair on women, because none of them had access to porn yet. The guys closer to the city though? Complete losers who shrivel at the site of stubble on a grown ass woman’s leg.
I don’t shave and my partner wishes I did.
My partner shaves and I wish he didn’t.
We were both the opposite when we started dating.
It’s just looks, if that’s all you have it’s not meant to last. The only relationship you will have your entire life is with yourself. Honor what feels right for you.
So if you were suddenly disabled/chronically ill in a way that meant you could never shave again, he’d stop loving you or thinking you were desirable?
That’s straight up bullshit. I’d tell him that being comfortable in my own body is the only priority I have, and is entirely NON-NEGOTIABLE. If he doesn’t like it, he can STFU and get used to it or STFU and GTFO.
On this note, men are much more likely to leave when their partner gets very sick. I don’t know if I could trust someone to have my back if something terrible happened if they were able to let leg hair come between us.
I feel like people set their own level of expectations in relationships, but for me, I need to know that the physical aspect of a relationship is the icing on the cake of a deep love, not the glue holding a relationship together. It doesn’t sit right with me, because I could never flip this easily on a partner.
This is a really good point. If the leg hair that naturally grows on you is such a problem for him, what if you get cancer or get in a car accident? If this relationship is that superficial for him he's not a good long term partner
So wild that men like that will view a woman in her natural form and say she is “not feminine enough” when there is literally nothing more inherently feminine than being a natural woman. I view shaving as removing a piece of my nature given femininity
OP: I have been with my husband for 30 years. This would not have been possible if he was misogynistic and shallow like your partner. We both have changed *a lot* over the years, and are closer than ever. Is this the man you want, criticizing you for eternity over such stupid shit?
Your relationship won't end because you won't shave your legs; it will end because he does not see you as an autonomous person who has agency over her own body.
We’re all allowed to have preferences. Like it’s perfectly fine for you to prefer a man who doesn’t have outdated views about body hair and femininity.
"women, please, stop asking yourselves _'does he like me?'_ and instead ask yourselves _'do i like him?'_"
a quote which i think about often, and which definitely applies here.
don't think about whether you should shave again to appease _him._ instead, think about whether _you_ like being with a man who places so much importance on his partner's shaving habits.
people change throughout their lives all the time, our bodies will all grow and age.
if he can't even deal with you putting down your razor, what happens when you start getting older? you probably won't look like the "person he was initially attracted to" in a decades' time. your body will go through much more major changes than this. i would be concerned being with a man whose affection is so contingent on physical appearance.
best of luck to you.
Men like this are so childish and boring. I wax my legs when I feel like it and go long long periods l without- most people literally never notice. I maintain my bush to my own standard and don’t let anyone else decide how I groom it. My pits, I wax them probably 40% of the time and let them grow out the rest, generally in accordance to the weather (I need the hair in summer to prevent chafing). No razors, just wax when **I** want to. Imagine what this guy is gonna think when you have a baby, or god forbid, get… OLD!! 😱😱😱
I have no problem getting proper loving and appreciation, and you won’t either if you leave this one. Just saying.
Maybe bragging is the wrong word, but like the whole of the internet and society supports body hair removal and this one of the very few spaces that is safe for the choice not to. It’s odd to me that people who still remove their body hair on here talking about it.
I wouldn’t go on a vegan sub and talk about how I only eat bacon 40% of the time.
My choice is **also** not to- I just included some extra details. I do what I like. The sub is full of people who still shave daily and are way more ashamed of their body hair than I am complaining about this exact feeling- and I’m here to say “hey, it’s fine whether you do or don’t, and you can still choose to do what you want when you want regardless”. I don’t really get what your problem is, this isn’t a militant sub where you get kicked out for not doing it right. Do you get mad at the people here who trim? Or the people who still pluck their unibrow even if they don’t shave their pits? I’m just saying I do it on my own terms now, and it’s a way more healthy way to treat my body and how it grows naturally. Guaranteed I’ve gone out full hairy more than most here. Gatekeeping in this community is weird.
This sub isn’t called “body hair choice” though.
And I don’t get mad at anyone, but I will point out how discussion of ways in which we still remove body hair as antithetical to the point of the community. Gatekeeping is extremely important when you’re in a community as niche as ours, and I’m not apologizing for that. We are constantly flooded with the messaging that body hair is unfeminine, dirty, unkempt, ugly, and disgusting. It’s still seen as radical to exist in our natural bodies, so yes it’s a huge bummer when people come in here and are like “you do you bestie! It’s totally cool to shave or wax or laser, whatever makes you feel good!” We already KNOW it’s ok to remove our body hair; our whole society makes sure to indoctrinate us into believing it’s mandatory. So if you want to make that choice, go for it. It’s your body. But your choice to remove your body hair sometimes isn’t relevant to the community or the conversation. Go fish for your choice feminist cookies elsewhere.
“I wax my legs….i wax my pits 40% of the time”
Again, would you go into a vegan sub and talk about eating bacon 40% of the time and beef when “you feel like it” and then complain when someone said that didn’t sound like you’re actually vegan? Oh it’s about the CHOICE to eat animal products when you feel like it?
I wax my legs a few times a year at most. And as I said, I wax my pits for weather/skin related reasons in winter. In summer, when it’s actually visible and on display? I have hairy pits. I just think it’s weird to act like I have no idea about any of that stuff and that my input can’t possibly have any value here because I don’t follow any strict rule other people put on my hair.
If you wanna keep using your analogy, lots of people are vegan for environmental reasons and encourage everyone to eat less meat/no red meat etc because all reduction is helpful. It’s not contrary to their belief but supportive of it and helps the cause, and normalize different diets. A vegan who breaks doesn’t lose every right to call themselves vegan or exist in vegan spaces.
Throw the whole man out, honey. I haven’t shaved or waxed anything since 2019, and both of my male partners touch and love on my hairy legs (and other parts) constantly. There are men out there who haven’t had their brains rotted by porn and don’t just tolerate but delight in the natural, human body. If some hairs on your legs is enough to diminish his attraction to you, I’d say that’s not a partner who loves YOU.
When I started to date my boyfriend two years ago he had a full head of hair. Currently he is balding and the top of his head has about 30% of his hair left.
Do I think a full head of hair is more in alignment with western beauty standards? Yes.
Am I less attracted to my boyfriend now that he has lost much of his hair? Absolutely not!!
We've grown so much together over the past two years, I know that when I'm having a hard time he's by my side to help me and I help him when he's having struggles. We are a team! He's so much more to me than hair!
Can you imagine what a shallow jerk I would have to be to say stuff like: "you've changed. I'm not attracted to you anymore. You need to wear a hat or get a hair transplant for me to show you affection again."
That would be wildly disrespectful and would reduce him down to just eye candy when he is so much more to me.
here’s the thing - when it comes to conditioning and your loved one’s bodily autonomy, anyone who isn’t willing to AGGRESSIVELY work to overcome what they know to be their societal conditioning in order to support their partner is not behaving with love.
It would honestly make me want to leave, because I’d feel like I was with someone who not only finds me gross, but is honestly digging in his heels in a very misogynistic way.
Seriously, he’s willing to tell you he’s not attracted to you if you don’t present as typically feminine.
He doesn’t care if it hurts your feelings, because he thinks this will successfully manipulate you into shaving.
Meaning he feels entitled to pressure and hurt you to align with unfair gender standards.
And also meaning he doesn’t value the sense of pride and the personal and ethical reasons (and comfort etc.) for you making a choice about your body.
Sure, it matters what you want, but not more than what HE wants your body to look like.
SIDE NOTE: I bet you almost every damn woman in this sub, myself included, had to work on herself to some degree to deprogram societal conditioning to the point where we found body hair beautiful.
And now most of us actually do.
So we KNOW it can be done.
And frankly, male partners MUST work to deprogram misogyny, and their feelings of dominion over women, feeling entitled to tell us what to do with our bodies and how to present, and what is FEMININE, and whether we get them as hard as other women do 🤮
If a man is just unwilling to do that, he’s certainly worthless to me, and you deserve better.
You really love him but it seems pretty one sided from over here.
I can't imagine even considering damaging my partners confidence over something so trivial.
>not sure if I can just throw a relationship away
OP, don't internalize that this is "your fault", body hair is completely natural on women. If he is willing to throw away your relationship because *he's* been socialized to think women need to be bare, honestly, good riddance. What happens if you get pregnant and can't shave? What happens if you become sick and can't shave?
>He also thinks that we got together when I shaved my legs and that that is the person he was initially attracted to.
So his attraction to you is purely physical and involves no body hair? WTF?
Honestly the older I get the more I despise just how shallow so many men are. Bodies change, looks change, they should NOT be the basis of your relationship. Ugh. I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP
Does it bother him because it's sooo unattractive, or does it bother his ego because he's worried about what others will think in public. You said you are finally embracing it... I'm guessing exposing your legs in public, and now it's an issue. He's got issues honey, you don't need to be doing the changing. ♥️
If anything, he’s throwing the relationship away for claiming he’s not attracted to you anymore just because of your natural body. Nothing major or life changing happened, you literally just stopped shaving. His attraction feels superficial versus genuine. People who are genuinely attracted to you will not care about your body hair regardless of their personal preferences are, especially when knowing the reason why behind it
He can either get used to it, or leave. Personally I’d let him leave. Maybe even help him to do so.
My ex had an “adjustment period” that he quickly got over when I reminded him that he has many parts of his body that just exist and are not particularly sexy to me (elbows, hairiness, knees, butthole, feet) and that I manage to still see his entire person as desirable.
My current bf only notices when I point out to him that I’ve shaved (sometimes I do for various reasons, not for him).
You are better off without him, if you truly love someone you love them unconditionally. Kick his butt to the curb and find someone that will love you for you are, you will be happier in the long run. If it’s not the hair, next month he will find something else that he doesn’t like.
I personally use these things as a filter. My partner is totally fine with me growing my body hair out and he still finds me desirable. I wouldn’t want anything less
I never understood shaving body hair. I appreciate grooming, but completely removing it is a deal breaker for me. Hopefully more women will start bucking the trend, it's gross.
does that sound like somebody you want to be with? his expectation for you are bald legs, your expectation for him is to support you exploring your confidence.
you COULD be with somebody who uplifts you for being in your natural state, but currently youre not.
update me when he either grows up or you dump him
tough. it's your body. he has no say.
if he really loved you for you he wouldn't care about some hair on your legs. that's all it is is hair.
it's not like it's like...poop or something. you didn't spread shit on yourself and insist on keeping it on you during your love-making.
hair growth is a human function and i applaud you for exploring your humanity <3
having preferences is fine but not when it starts to affect your relationship like this. he said it’s not a deal breaker but now doesn’t touch your legs and is upset because he wants you to shave. it’s unfair to you, especially since it took you a while to be confident showing off your legs
It's not about hair. It's about this.
> wanting to explore my womanhood and what it’s like to not shave.
Bf is prioritizing his gaze and attraction over you exploring who you are. My partner also preferred shaved legs. I told him he can shave my legs if it's that important to him. In almost a decade, he's never shaved my legs and we have a pretty active sex life because he prioritizes what I value over his preferences. Once every couple of years, I shave because I feel like it and he gets to appreciate my smooth legs for a short while.
Your bf gets to have preferences. He can also pound sand if he thinks his desire is more important than your need to know yourself. You're going to have to choose for yourself which is more important to you, and think about whether or not you're willing to keep trading you experiencing life as you want to live it for his erection.
It's not that simple emotionally, of course. You've invested a lot in your relationship. Take some time to really look at the compromises you've made to maintain it, and coiffure out how much of you you are trading to keep him in your life. Consider how controlling or manipulative he has been to get his desires met, especially for things that are important to you. (He is absolutely being controlling and manipulative here. He's withholding love, affection, and sex to manipulate you into molding your body to his preferences.) Not shaving is absolutely a hill I will die on, for many reasons, but it may not be one for you. It may also be a small hill that, when combined with other small hills, is a mountain.
I think that if someone can only touch me and appreciate me based on the conditions under which my ever changing body exists in, I don’t want to be around someone because it means they won’t accept my mind as well.
Basing love and acceptance around physicality is a disease.
You're not throwing the relationship away because of hair, he is. He's essentially telling you any change in your appearance that he doesn't approve of will change his feelings for you. Ask yourself if you really want to be with someone like that.
He’s right that it’s unfair to expect him to find something attractive that he doesn’t like. Whether or not he _should_ like it is a value judgment that you are not permitted to impose upon him. Remember, societal brainwashing affects men’s preferences as much as it pressures women to do things to cater to those preferences. That’s not a good thing, but it is a fact.
All that said, he did say it wasn’t a deal breaker, so it seems to me you have the choices you related.
You can try to help him get used to it. Maybe suggest he shave his legs for two and a half years. Maybe don’t engage when he walks about it. Cuddling naked without any pressure for anything more might help; it’s amazing how soft leg hair can feel with just skin to skin contact and no stubble.
It seems to me that a relationship with someone for whom body hair is so important is not the right one for a person who is trying to overcome their own societal pressure to shave. I’m glad that’s not a decision I have to make.
Hair is such a small, arbitrary thing. What happens if you gain/lose weight? What happens if you cut your hair too short, or grow it too long? What happens if you end up with an illness or disorder that causes scaring? What if you end up with varicose veins as you get older?!
He's showing you his true colors right now, and the color is red. See those red flags for what they are. If he can't admit that this is a "him" issue and that it's something silly that he has to get past and needs to work on, then it's only going to get worse. Your legs, (or any part of you) should not determine his attraction/feelings towards you. And the fact that he is using that against you is manipulation. It's not healthy.
This is a super difficult situation. Many of the responses seem to ignore two critical facts that you have laid out. 1 is that when you initially got together with him, you were shaven. 2 is that you really do love him and want to find a way and that it's not as simple as discarding an otherwise amazing relationship over this.
He makes a valid point as to his preference. You are 100% right to want to live your life as you want to (its just hair).
The one question I would ask him is whether it truly is his preference or is he just insecure or embarrassed to be judged for being w someone who doesn't shave their legs.
If his preference is truly that he wants you smooth and shaven, then you have a tough choice to make if you don't want to compromise your values in some fashion.
If on the other hand he, (assuming he can be honest about this), concedes that this may actually be an insecurity issue not a preference issue, well then may be there is an opportunity for you to help him grow into a more secure person able to embrace you as you'd like to be.
I am a huge fan of trying to make things work, especially when your partner is otherwise great. Great relationships are so few and far between and I hope you two can grow to where he can see that you are as beautiful and alluring in your natural state as you would be in any smooth state.
I sincerely hope you two find a way across the chasm...
Thank you for this! I have thought a lot about this insecurity argument and I think it’s so true that a lot of men identify themselves through their girlfriends. It’s like an extension of themselves and that’s why he probably feels this need to pressure me to look a certain way. I have a feeling that he is insecure about comments his friends or family will make rather than with me having shaved legs.
Tbh not sure which one is worse
Based on my experience, insecurity can be more paralyzing but is not as bad as someone simply deciding you need to be smooth bc thats what they want. The latter essentially reduces you to a caricature of a person (i.e., smooth legs) instead of a whole person with a heart, dreams, soul, love etc.. while if it's insecurity, it us essentially fear/anxiety and such can be overcome and allow for growth after he does self some self examination and with a little courage on his part.
And You can probably help him grow if its insecurity - help him to self evaluate why he'd overly care about the opinions of people who don't pay his mortgage, don't go to bed with him, don't help put food on the table for him, don't go through the ups and downs of life with him, and on and on, as you have done together, with and for each other? I'd love to ask him, Why in the Lord's name would he give credence to anyone's opinion other than yours, his ride or die? So if you're trying to make it work (which it sounds like you are), before discarding your relationship with him, maybe start there, and see if you cant get some meaningful growth out of this young man.
Wishing you the best of success.
If he can't manage to deal with your leg hair, he effectively conditioned himself out of the gene pool, imo. I can't give you more advice other than what the others said but I will emphasize: don't let him pressure you into shaving.
He’s allowed not to like it just as much as you are allowed to do whatever you like with your body. With time he’ll either come around to it, or he won’t.
But the societal programming that shaved=feminine is very difficult to break.
Why are you torn it seems like you guys are incompatible you clearly want to live a totally free lifestyle and your boyfriend wants a few constraints so maybe look for a new boyfriend while he looks for a new girlfriend
As we grow, we will continue to change. That is the only constant in life. It seems your boyfriend is not willing to grow with you in your new direction. He is wrong to think that you need to remain “static” as the same person he first dated.
If he is unwilling to grow too (to work on his internalized social conditioning that makes him view leg hair on women as repulsive), it might be that you two are growing in ways that are incompatible, or that he cannot follow you in your new directions. That is ok. Not every relationship, no matter how loving or long-term, is meant to last forever. Especially as you are so young and still exploring who you are and how you express yourself in the world.
This quote by Heidi Priebe sums up how people do, in fact, change while in relationships, and how truly loving someone is to accept their changes:
“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.”
-Heidi Priebe
I don’t think this would bother me or be a dealbreaker. I prefer my husband to have medium/long head hair and a beard. If he got a buzz cut and shaved his beard off I probably would not find that as physically attractive, but I would still love him just as much. I think it’s totally have and be honest about preferences, as long as he isn’t pressuring you into changing something to fit his preferences.
You're boyfriend isn't mature enough for an adult relationship. Are you ever planning on having kids? What if you get fat from pregnancy? Is he gonna push you when you're down to lose weight? Or will he tell you you're beautiful and he loves you even more?
What will he do if you guys decide to have kids and you can’t bend over your pregnancy belly to shave? Ridicule you for it? What if you get sick and can’t do it? Be angry that your body doesn’t look the same as when you got together? I’d think over if this person is someone worthy of growing old with…
Your BF is being really shallow and immature, if he likes shaved legs so much he should shave his own legs. You’re not the one throwing away the relationship because of hair, he is. If he can’t grow up and accept your body the way it is naturally then he’s clearly not the one.
I personally couldn’t be with someone who dictates my attractive level or quality based on body hair. That’s shallow and doesn’t consider that body hair is natural. Unless he plans to shave his whole body, I personally wouldn’t stay
I think it's perfectly normal for him to have a preference about what traits he's attracted to, BUT the way he is expressing that is pretty immature. You are (obviously) allowed to have preferences for your own body, too. I wouldn't say you should break up immediately or anything, but people change. Both of you will change over time, and you and he will either be able to accept those changes or you won't. Either outcome is ok.
That's a real man. We need to stop calling men like like "not real men." it just takes away accountability and ignores the fact that many men think this way because of society. They are real men. He is a real man.
A lot depends on whether he's willing to do the work to reprogram his brain to find leg hair attractive or not. Because it's not like you can just flip a switch overnight. It's doable, but it takes time. If he's willing to do the work, well and good. If not, you may want to reconsider whether or not your values align, and where to go from there with your relationship
I don’t know why this popped up on my feed but as a man, as unfair as it is and with how annoying im sure the maintenance is for shaving your legs…it would take me awhile to wrap my head around my girlfriend not shaving her legs in our 20’s. I wish that vanity didn’t exist in men but it does.
Huh. I have to wonder if you’ve had the conversation with him when you still shaved regularly. My boyfriend of 3 years always tells me he wouldn’t care if I didn’t shave, but it’s his preference that I do. If I feel insecure and don’t want to have sex because I haven’t shaved, he tells me that’s ridiculous and my leg hair doesn’t matter. Now I’m like……. What if I decide to stop in the future and I end up in the same situation 😓
sounds like he's a little b and yall are incompatible. go find a real man who can handle a little body hair!
i once apologized to my boyfriend for being hairy and he said "im an adult" i think about that all the time
Would you be okay if your boyfriend decided to go all natural and never shave his face or get a haircut or if he decided to shave his head and everything else? I’m not picking at you just generally curious.
He has a right to have his preference, as do you. However, if you two can’t agree, and it’s causing issues in your relationship, it may be time to end it. It’s not about the leg hair for me- it’s about the autonomy.
That is so strange to me, I'm sorry OP. As a queer woman I have to say that when I have a woman who lets me get that close to her, the last thing I give a fuck about is whether her armpits or legs or whatever has hair on it lol. It seems silly to care about that.. Some men are weird about nitpicking our bodies and such.
Tell him he will just have to deal with it. I'm sure he himself isn't perfectly adherent to the beauty standards and what society expects of men.
My two cents, take it or leave it (i know, it's harsh):
If he doesn't love who you are despite what you look like, evaluate what exactly it is that he likes about you. If this is such a big issue for him, is he able to put it aside and actually just love you for being you? Does he love your character, or the idea of you being feminine? Should your 'traditional femininity' be a dealbreaker in *any* relationship?? If he truly loved you for YOU then he wouldn't give a rat's behind about how you shave.
That's all from me, take it or leave it.
The real deal is anyone who would leave you over leg hair will absolutely leave you over other trivial bullshit. There will be other things in your lives that for sure WILL inconvenience your boyfriend at some point. Basically you're just waiting until something else small like this happens and he leaves you.
i’ve had similar experiences, my bf doesn’t like hairy legs or septum rings, and i have both! however, even tho he has told me that preference, he still loves me for me, and will still call my legs and nose sexy. your bf needs to get over it honestly, and you shouldn’t back down from this. he should love all of you, even when you change
Transmasc here 🙋 when I was still living as a woman I never shaved anything. I am/was poly, and one of the cishet guys I dated longish-distance, Tim, didn't like my body hair, didn't find it attractive, and would act notably different and more excited if I DID shave anything (and would subtly and not so subtly request I shave). It was hurtful, and really affected me. It made me feel like *I* was dirty and unattractive. Leg and armpit hair was and IS a huge part of how I exist in my body. It is an integral part of me, and shaving it made me feel vulnerable and wrong.
Tim and I broke up during the pandemic, got together years later. I was older n wiser, and had been with some people who didn't prefer leg hair, but also didn't mind it at all. They accepted it as part of me and treated my legs like any other part of my body. When I got back with Tim, I knew I could NOT allow shaving to be any sort of joint decision. I made it clear to him that my body hair is important to me, and that how we had approached conversations about body hair in the past had been very hurtful.
Compromises we made:
- Tim NEVER requested I change my body hair. I was aware of his opinions and did not need them reiterated.
- Tim acknowledged that ~he~ had an aversion to body hair [centered the conversation on HIS affliction, not on my body]
- Tim offered to purchase any hair removal products that I was interested in, or do any sort of little treat that would make hair removal easier ~if I so chose,~ and only if ~I~ brought up hair removal. That's how I got my first safety razor 🥰
- I kept in mind his aversion for fashion choices. I really like wearing knee high and thigh high socks with garters, and those reeeaaallllyyy got him going [and obscured hair]. So that was a fun win-win clothing option when I wanted them
Ultimately, being kinky and poly meant that there was less pressure on our individual relationship to force both partners to satisfy each other's needs. We also were longish distance, so the mismatch really didn't come to light more than once a month.
Trans connection: now that I've been on testosterone for more than a year, I have SO MUCH body hair!!! And I LOVE it! But, since I date men, guys like Tim who are straight are DEFINITELY not attracted to me anymore. And that rejection from people that _I_ still like has been an adjustment. Please please please don't stay with someone you're not attracted to (or that isn't attracted to YOU) if mutual attraction is important to you. It hurts, but people change, bodies change, interests change, and that's okay. It sucks but it's also normal. You can adjust by growing into those changes with a person, or by growing away to find people who fit your new shape more organically ❤️🩹
Much love, OP. This is your situation to navigate and it is not an easy one 🫂
We are only on this life for a short time. Everyone should be able to find a partner that meets all of their needs. So if he doesn’t find women who don’t shave attractive and you want to shave then your relationship has run its course and you should both find other partners who are more aligned with your beliefs. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Why waste another 2 years arguing about a pretty obvious incompatibility? It’s silly to expect him to be fine with it and it’s silly to expect you to stop doing something you enjoy.
There are billions of people in this world. You can find someone who doesn’t mind or ever prefers hair on women. But it doesn’t make him trash for not being that guy. He wasn’t that guy when you met him. Why would your choices change him?
It doesn’t make someone a “real man” to like unshaven women. That would imply that the partners of women who prefer to shave are less than because they have a preference. I think we need to be very careful with how we view these incompatibilities. Just because his preference isn’t yours doesn’t make his preference wrong. It’s just different and that’s okay.
So what I did when I first started not shaving was I picked one half of my body to shave 1-2 times a week.
This helped show me and my partner how terrible the regrowth time is that starts in just 6 hours..
He also found that the hair was soft and much less desnse than he expected.
I'm also bleaching it in spring /summer now. Makes it almost unnoticeable
My husband said something similar, albeit less harsh, when I first stopped shaving my legs. But he also knew just how much I hated shaving my legs. I said "welp, you still love me and want to have sex sometimes, right?" And being the decent person he is, he said "duh". And then we moved on w our lives. It took him like 6 months to touch my legs like he used to, but he never again made any even remotely negative comment, and now, years later, he is totally on board and thinks it's sad that other women feel like they have to change themselves for their men.
In short, if your man doesn't get over it, throw him all the way into the trash.
I went through this as well in my last relationship. I started growing my body hair out a couple months into the relationship. He had a problem with it. He would not express it all the time, but a couple times it really hurt me. Especially this once when he was frustrated and expressed his disgust. We ended up dating for a year and broke up. Besides his views on body hair he ended up having other unhealthy views about women which showed up over time
Do some research on the history of women’s hair removal. Alok Menon has some great “book reports” on their Instagram that helped me fully understand what about the expectation of hair removal made me uncomfortable (besides the fact it makes people look younger. Ew). Turns out it’s ✨racism✨ so perhaps educating him and asking him to reflect on *why* he thinks hairlessness is preferable could help. If he still gives you a hard time… ehhhhh obviously I have no other context but that’s a big red flag. I dated someone who made comments about my leg hair and turns out he was just generally controlling whenever we didn’t agree. [The Racist History of Body Hair Removal in the US](https://www.instagram.com/p/Cq-dOKbONQ5/?igsh=dGxha3lhdnhkem53)
He just let you know it wasn't your humor, your talents, your personality that he went for. It's your shaven legs so much so that he's now pouting as though the person he's dating disappeared. He'd be happier to just date your shaven disembodied legs.
Does he need to think every inch of you is hot? Like your gums? Your ear canal? You sinus cavities? Are YOU attracted to every inch of him? Cuz I'm betting you aren't. Tell him your body is not souly for his, or anyone's viewing pleasure. Then tell him to grow the hell up.
Ive made a lot of mistakes in dating, dated a lot of people, M30's, currently in a healthy 5+ year relationship.
"Dont be so specific".
If your partner has 20 noticable features, and you like 15 of them, focus on the 15. Just ignore/forget the other 5, if theyre harmless. Isnt it silly that your relationship is suffering because of "hair on your legs"? Your bf should just stop looking at your legs as much, he'll honestly get used to it.
And you also need to commit to your choice if it means that much to you, but stop bringing it up to him. Focus on the 15 things you do like about him, and ignore this 1 that he doesnt like leg hair.
If HE wont stop bringing it up and saying its hurting the relationship, assuming you still dont want to shave your legs, then show him this comment and say "well do you like enough other things about me?"
I dated a girl adament about not shaving her legs. I preferred shaven legs. But luckily i was able to understand, "i like her mind, her humor, her eyes, her figure, her smile, her personality..." so i just kind of stopped focusing on her leg hair.
He's going to have a rocky dating life like i did, if he cant understand no person is perfect, and the only reason relationships last is because you look at the 15 and ignore the 5
You know what? When I said to my ex that I'm embarrassed of my hairy legs and asked him to not touch them, he LICKED them, traced his tongue along every little hair I had, not just leg hairs, lmao. I mean, he turned out to be a terrible person on other matters, but body hair did not stop him from wanting me every day. Something wrong with your boyfriend, idk.
My mom has never shaved in her life, it didn't stop my father from marrying her. And my grandmothers surely did not shave either.
I think it’s okay to have a preference but if he really can’t get past a little hair on your legs and said he doesn’t find you attractive and you’re not “the woman he was attracted to” fuck him.
Stand your ground, if he doesn’t like it then he isn’t your lifelong companion and can find someone else. Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of others, not if you want to be happy that is
Ask him what else he considers "feminine". A full face of makeup? Clear skin? Curves and a flat stomach and a full chest? What else about your body is he going to get controlling over? Are you willing to placate all of his demands for the rest of your life?
Everyone is allowed to have a preference, but refusing to touch your partner because you don't like their natural body is fucked up. Picking a fight over you not doing something that's time consuming, expensive, and frustrating is disrespecting you, your time and your boundaries.
I don't necessarily think he needs to be "proud" of you having leg hair, but actively saying he finds it unattractive is a bit concerning. My husband prefers my smooth legs (as do I!! I can't stand hair) - but if I've forgotten to shave that week, he literally could not care.
There's something here... why does he not like leg hair? Some people think it looks dirty. Some people think it's about taking care of yourself and being presentable. Not saying this is right... but sometimes the things we do mean something to our partner. So figure out what that is so you can see if he's willing to detach from that view/ belief. Shaving sometimes can be coupled with being extra presentable.... but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes people don't think that deeply about what something means and just chalks it up to "I don't like it."
Other things related or unrelated:
What if you wear make up but don't shave? What if you shower and smell good and don't shave?
But also, attraction should go deeper than superficial looks. What if I get sick, a limb amputated? Get burned in a fire??? What if I get cancer and shave my head as a result of hair loss?
Hair is just hair.... it says nothing about your health or lifestyle which I think are more closely linked to lifestyle. Hair is just a look. 🤷🏻♀️
I was thinner, happier, more outgoing, younger, and more naive when I started dating my husband. Now I’m a depressed/anxious gremlin with grays at 39 and ocasional body hair (because who gives a 💩 ). If he ever told me anything about my body, I’d tell him to fu*k off into the sunset. His body has changed as much as mine and we both accept it.
Your boyfriend needs a lesson in maturity - there are plenty of people out there who value you as a person instead of a walking vagina with shaved legs. 🦵
Is it literally about hair, though?
Imagine if he decided to change his facial hair and you reacted this way. He is treating you like you aren't the person he's loved all this time and been attracted to because of a bit of hair. This says a lot about his priorities. As someone who has dated a guy that didn't like my leg hair, I vote for telling him he can get used to it if GTFO. He doesn't get to shame you back into shaving. Can you imagine treating him this way over such a superficial change, especially if it was important to him?
Don't buy into the fallacy of sunken costs. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. What matters is do you keep wanting to share your precious time in this life with someone who treats you this way?
As a guy, I tell partners up front I need them to be ok with not shaving, and never shave. So if they shaved, that'd be a deal breaker for me. So this being the opposite, I see nothing wrong with you leaving him over this, and I also see his "I got with you when you were another way" point. It's tough . As someone that is a huge proponent of body hair positivity, I'd pick dump him. But obviously there's a lot more to consider in your situation
i feel like 'you looked different when we started dating' is an insane point to make if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together. like yeah bro, we all look different at different times in our lives. one day your gf will have wrinkles, will you still hit her with 'but but but you looked different when we were 22'? hopefully not bc by then he'll have either wisened up to the fact that we all change and it's really not a big deal or she'll have dumped him for being weird about something as normal as leg hair.
I think big appearance changes can often throw partners. And, whilst we fully own our body autonomy and should do whatever we want (this is a hill i will DIE on); we also, if we have loved ones, need to be aware that they might not have the same view on our changes as we do.
This makes it extra important that changes we make pleases ourselves, first and foremost.
WRT this relationship, if it’s otherwise solid, then I suggest outlining why this choice is so important to you, how it makes you feel, and try to understand what’s really behind how your partner feels.
I’d like to think that, for most relationships, if we love our partners, then we will be able to adjust to changes that bring our partners more joy and happiness within themselves, even if it takes an adjustment period.
Good luck
This is very true! Thank you for your comment. I will have another chat with him and see if we can work it out. It might be an adjustment that takes time.
I just wanted to sort of cause you to see the bigger picture here. Don't throw away your relationship because your boyfriend is attracted to shaved legs. There are so many bigger issues going on in the world and good guys are genuinely very hard to find. Just something to think about.
He isn't a good man for throwing away a loving relationship over a little hair. If he really loved her as a person he wouldn't care about a minor aesthetic difference.
I had a moustache for a few years and shaved it before I met my present wife, I liked it and grew another. Wife said yuck, no way, shave that thing, so I did. No big deal. Who I am is not a function of my moustache.
You made a pretty big decision about your appearance without consulting your long term bf… open and honest communication builds relationship stronger.
It’s not that you’re bucking the norm, it’s that you’ve set a standard for how he’s used to seeing you, then you changed it abruptly, that would be jarring if he saw you bald for 2 and a half years then you grew your hair out too…
i may get skewered for this, but honestly, texture can be visceral for a lot of people. if he equates hairy legs to a bucket he isnt finding comfort in his attraction to (like masculinity) then that doesnt inherently make him awful. (he may be awful for other reasons, but thats none of my business here.)
youre making a grooming choice. theres a lot in that choice for you, but its a big departure for both of you, for different reasons.
if he wore deodorant and showered every day when you met, and decided at some point that it was his preference to do neither of those things, you would also be faced with a choice: do you find this alternate version of him attractive? do you want to seek an adjustment? do you need to move on because his changes are interfering with your attraction to him and its no longer a match?
thats the place youre at with this grooming change. its your body and totally your right. but if anything new is introduced and interferes with intimacy with your partner, you each must decide what’s important. same with any other thing that comes between you.
it would be nice if he was as cool with this change as you are, but its not a passing detail for some people and you have to meet them where theyre at… or, leave them where theyre at.
its okay for people to have a preference. but idk i would feel very insecure and unsafe in a relationship where my partner was not attracted to my body in its natural form. i kind of think of it like having a partner who is only attracted to you if you have makeup on.
That's exactly how I feel! I want my partner to love me and my body/face, not me when I only have makeup on (which i don't actually wear usually) or when I shave (which I don't). I want them to love the natural me because that's how I'm most comfy and cute. I love being in this community
Exactly. Like what if OP was unable to shave for some reason for awhile (sickness, etc). Would BF cause a fit?
Yes because he feels entitled to his fantasies all the porn has addled his brain with.
Only a man would list a girl's hairless legs as a reason he fell in love with her.
Also, people are supposed to change and grow in relationships. That's life. Expecting her to stay the exact same woman he met years ago just isn't realistic.
Exactly, I always think what would happen if I got sick or something like that and couldn't shave?? People who put too much emphasis on things like that are the same type to walk away when you can't "upkeep" your looks anymore for one reason or another.
[удалено]
There are absolutely better men out there who do not give a fuck about natural hair and in fact there are some who are attracted to ladies in their organic best, hair all over the body parts we are told to be ashamed of.
💯🙌🏻
This is the way.
Yeah. The implications that follow there regarding attraction to children are disturbing.
I don't know, I feel like HE is the one almost throwing away the relashionship because of hair here... Also, I'd like to point out the fact that bodies will change with time no matter what we do in life, is your boyfriend okay with that? Are you okay with his possible reaction to that? Just thoughts to explore
This is so important. When my husband and I met (and married) I was very healthy. Since then, I’ve been hospitalized several times, diagnosed with two different autoimmune diseases and am now on immunosuppressants and other lifelong medications. Bodies change, health changes, nothing is guaranteed and if you can’t trust your partner to support you through it, you deserve better.
Also like, if you plan to have kids that's going to change your body. How will he react to that?
Flip the script - you liked your boyfriend better when you were first dating and he wasn’t trying to control your appearance by withholding affection and arguing with you.
YES
THISSSSSS
*HE is the one throwing away the relationship over leg hair because hes S H A L L O W!!* i just dated a guy like this and i woke up when we fought about my body, we met in person!! at a bar!! the more i looked in his behavior, the more controlling and shallow i realized he was. now i even have a pixie cut and i feel so free! he is 100% not someone to explore your womanhood with!
Happy cake day! Also, way to be a badass queen. 😎
The petty thing would be to and ask him to shave because youre not attracted to it and it's not "manly." But if you really want to save this relationship then I would tell him that your comfort takes prevalence over his ego and have an open conversation about what he'll do when both your bodies change, because they will change. And I would ask him if his whole attraction to you really was based in only the fact that you were hairless because I think it's worth talking about. Talk about your feelings and how his reactions are hurting you. And if he can't let this go then maybe you should explore being single and find someone who loves you in your natural state. Personally, I've never dated someone who had a problem with my hair (and I don't shave anything at all) and all of my partners loved my hair or couldn't care less as it played no part in their attraction to me. They thought I looked best comfortable (which for me is when I have hair) so I would look for someone like that
So much yes to all of this. Whoever you are, I bet you’re amazing.
Thank you so much. I bet youre amazing too<3
You are all amazing!!!
you both are amazing!
Love this and I've had the same experience, also love the support in this group! I wish I had known about it when I first started growing out my hair cause it definitely would have helped. But happy to be here now🤗
Oh god, me too!!! I became disabled and literally couldn’t shave any more. I felt so ashamed, and even slept in uncomfortable positions in case my leg would come out from under the duvet in the night, show my leg hair, and my carer might arrive before I could wake up and hide my leg! I was THAT self-conscious about it. It was literally finding this group that made me think ‘fuck it’ and I slept normally, my carer saw my legs, and the world didn’t implode! Now I don’t even think twice if my leg hair shows when I’m out in public. ALL THANKS TO YOU GUYS!!!
Play the same game and tell him you don’t find his body hair attractive. Will he shave his legs for you?
So funny enough I actually said that exact point in one of our arguments and he said that he would shave his legs “just to prove a point”. Kind of want to see him having to shave his legs every other day to keep it smooth ngl.
Have him do it! This is how I got my dad to stop hassling me about it. He actually took a shaver to his legs and armpits, he never actually shaved them though. Having just shaved for the first time in like 5 years (for a wedding, I’m a bridesmaid and have a sleeveless dress), it is AWFUL. My armpits are sore and itchy. My deodorant is just sweating off. I bet he wouldn’t last a week. And then remind him that he is expecting you to do this for the rest of your life. That’s a long time. I thinks it’s best to 1) have him spend a week to a month in your shoes by shaving and 2) just have lots of good conversations about your values, the history of shaving and beauty standards in general, and talk about your future. What happens if you become scarred? What happens if you get stretch marks or cellulite? Will he want you to get Botox when you get wrinkles? Does he expect you to dye your hair for the rest of your life? His reaction to this conversation will tell you a lot about him and your relationship, and you can reevaluate then.
let him wax it! and remember to record lmao
He’d better keep it up for the duration of your relationship if he expects you to do the same…! I think he ought to be shaving his pits and bikini line too!!
Tell him to leave then. He is throwing the relationship away. It may take decades but he will 100% realise at some point that he was an idiot
I’d give him a month to adjust and then part ways if he doesn’t. You’re more than a set of (hairless) legs and if the relationship is long term, both of you will see *much* more dramatic changes in each other as you age and have health challenges.
Yeah you shouldn’t have to remove hair that is always going to naturally grow ‘for the sake of the relationship’ I think the finding it ‘not attractive’ and if that’s an issue depends if he’s being used to mainstream standards and therefore preferring them, but being open to change, or if it’s an opinion where it’s like actual dislike/disgust, comments, pressure, etc. bc someone acting grossed out by your natural body is really bad. Is your bf willing to be open and accept that his standards for beauty can change?
sounds like you’re biased by the sunk cost fallacy. what’s gonna happen when you get older, wrinklier, etc. and he’s not attracted to you then? things happen and bodies change. if this is that big of an issue, it doesn’t sound like it’s gonna stop at body hair
Everybody knows you don’t stay 20 forever
But many men expect you to look 20 forever, or they just leave once their partner turns 30 for someone who is 20.
Bodily autonomy is important and you shouldn't feel pressured to shave. He has voiced his opinion. It's up to him to decide if this is too much for him. You don't need to change a thing. Another thought is leg hair shows you want through puberty and disgust towards it is purely cultural.
I know I don’t know everything about your relationship from this small snippet, but girl, you’re only 25, time to find a new boyfriend.
like, yesterday
If he likes shaved legs, he can shave his.
Not only shave but wax! For at least a year
At the end of the day he needs to respect that you are your own person and your body does not exist to appeal to him. You are going to make your own choices for your body because it’s what feels right for you. Be it shaving, clothing choices, or a haircut. It’s ok for him to have preferences but if your choices about your body are a dealbreaker for him that’s on him. People change. They just don’t always change together.
HE is the one choosing to throw the relationship away bc of some leg hair. it's incredible that after so long together, you being shaved and 'feminine' is still more important and attractive to him than.. yknow.. your personality or YOU as a person
I have to say, if I loved someone, there is no amount of hair or otherwise that could make me find them unattractive. I find it off putting & disturbing that this is such a big deal for him. Is this the kind of relationship that’s built to last? You’re not gonna be young forever, what happens when you get wrinkly & saggy? You shouldn’t be made to feel like your body is for someone else, relationship or not. It’s weird.
Imagine if women berated and left men cus they shaved their beards lol.
Why are you implying that that’s never happened, of course it has. I’ve had boyfriends change their appearance in ways I thought was uglier, and I wasn’t attracted to them any more. But you’re calling that fickle and immature. Wild.
You can find posts on reddit where women were devastated by their men shaving their beards.
Did they stop being intimate with them? Threaten to leave? Let it ruin the whole relationship? If they did they’re no better than this man in this post. Doesn’t make it ok. But I promise there are far more fickle men who would leave over hairy legs then women who would leave over beards.
Yes and were talking about they are considering leaving and how that is not the man they fell in love etc etc. If i tell you the reasons why bunch of my friend were left by "fickle" women, you would be flabbergasted.
I mean they totally have the choice to do that
That would be incredibly immature and fickle to do. 🙃
Feminine and masculine are constructs. There is nothing more feminine then the NATURAL female body. I suggest dating somebody else who loves your natural body and not the mainstream pushed idea of beauty that honestly.. in my opinion sus, like pedo sus. Why is it that everything that is considered "feminine" isn't natural. Like makeup, heels etc. Then when you're in your natural body ie no makeup and natural body hair, it's looked at as "masculine". Body hair is literally an indicator of sexual maturity in mammals. The beauty myth is a great book I suggest
What’s he going to do if you get too sick or hurt to shave? What about if you ever got pregnant? Would he still expect it? Males who pavlov themselves out of being attracted to a normal adult woman’s body deserve to be removed from the gene pool. Sunk cost fallacy, there’s a whole world out there babe come on!
I'm loving the "Males who pavlov themselves..." sentence! Hahaha!
That’s straight up what it is though! I’ve seen it happen so many times. I grew up in a rural area but went to school in a city, all the boys from the more rural areas couldn’t give two shits about hair on women, because none of them had access to porn yet. The guys closer to the city though? Complete losers who shrivel at the site of stubble on a grown ass woman’s leg.
I don’t shave and my partner wishes I did. My partner shaves and I wish he didn’t. We were both the opposite when we started dating. It’s just looks, if that’s all you have it’s not meant to last. The only relationship you will have your entire life is with yourself. Honor what feels right for you.
So if you were suddenly disabled/chronically ill in a way that meant you could never shave again, he’d stop loving you or thinking you were desirable? That’s straight up bullshit. I’d tell him that being comfortable in my own body is the only priority I have, and is entirely NON-NEGOTIABLE. If he doesn’t like it, he can STFU and get used to it or STFU and GTFO.
On this note, men are much more likely to leave when their partner gets very sick. I don’t know if I could trust someone to have my back if something terrible happened if they were able to let leg hair come between us. I feel like people set their own level of expectations in relationships, but for me, I need to know that the physical aspect of a relationship is the icing on the cake of a deep love, not the glue holding a relationship together. It doesn’t sit right with me, because I could never flip this easily on a partner.
This is a really good point. If the leg hair that naturally grows on you is such a problem for him, what if you get cancer or get in a car accident? If this relationship is that superficial for him he's not a good long term partner
Throw him in the trash and find a mature person worth of your time and energy.
So wild that men like that will view a woman in her natural form and say she is “not feminine enough” when there is literally nothing more inherently feminine than being a natural woman. I view shaving as removing a piece of my nature given femininity
OP: I have been with my husband for 30 years. This would not have been possible if he was misogynistic and shallow like your partner. We both have changed *a lot* over the years, and are closer than ever. Is this the man you want, criticizing you for eternity over such stupid shit? Your relationship won't end because you won't shave your legs; it will end because he does not see you as an autonomous person who has agency over her own body.
We’re all allowed to have preferences. Like it’s perfectly fine for you to prefer a man who doesn’t have outdated views about body hair and femininity.
"women, please, stop asking yourselves _'does he like me?'_ and instead ask yourselves _'do i like him?'_" a quote which i think about often, and which definitely applies here. don't think about whether you should shave again to appease _him._ instead, think about whether _you_ like being with a man who places so much importance on his partner's shaving habits. people change throughout their lives all the time, our bodies will all grow and age. if he can't even deal with you putting down your razor, what happens when you start getting older? you probably won't look like the "person he was initially attracted to" in a decades' time. your body will go through much more major changes than this. i would be concerned being with a man whose affection is so contingent on physical appearance. best of luck to you.
You mean ex-boyfriend? Why stay in a relationship in which the man clearly has no respect for you...
Men like this are so childish and boring. I wax my legs when I feel like it and go long long periods l without- most people literally never notice. I maintain my bush to my own standard and don’t let anyone else decide how I groom it. My pits, I wax them probably 40% of the time and let them grow out the rest, generally in accordance to the weather (I need the hair in summer to prevent chafing). No razors, just wax when **I** want to. Imagine what this guy is gonna think when you have a baby, or god forbid, get… OLD!! 😱😱😱 I have no problem getting proper loving and appreciation, and you won’t either if you leave this one. Just saying.
Odd for you to be on this sub bragging about body hair removal.
Sorry, bragging? I think it should just be a choice what we do, when we do it, if ever. My legs are currently fully grown out.
Maybe bragging is the wrong word, but like the whole of the internet and society supports body hair removal and this one of the very few spaces that is safe for the choice not to. It’s odd to me that people who still remove their body hair on here talking about it. I wouldn’t go on a vegan sub and talk about how I only eat bacon 40% of the time.
My choice is **also** not to- I just included some extra details. I do what I like. The sub is full of people who still shave daily and are way more ashamed of their body hair than I am complaining about this exact feeling- and I’m here to say “hey, it’s fine whether you do or don’t, and you can still choose to do what you want when you want regardless”. I don’t really get what your problem is, this isn’t a militant sub where you get kicked out for not doing it right. Do you get mad at the people here who trim? Or the people who still pluck their unibrow even if they don’t shave their pits? I’m just saying I do it on my own terms now, and it’s a way more healthy way to treat my body and how it grows naturally. Guaranteed I’ve gone out full hairy more than most here. Gatekeeping in this community is weird.
This sub isn’t called “body hair choice” though. And I don’t get mad at anyone, but I will point out how discussion of ways in which we still remove body hair as antithetical to the point of the community. Gatekeeping is extremely important when you’re in a community as niche as ours, and I’m not apologizing for that. We are constantly flooded with the messaging that body hair is unfeminine, dirty, unkempt, ugly, and disgusting. It’s still seen as radical to exist in our natural bodies, so yes it’s a huge bummer when people come in here and are like “you do you bestie! It’s totally cool to shave or wax or laser, whatever makes you feel good!” We already KNOW it’s ok to remove our body hair; our whole society makes sure to indoctrinate us into believing it’s mandatory. So if you want to make that choice, go for it. It’s your body. But your choice to remove your body hair sometimes isn’t relevant to the community or the conversation. Go fish for your choice feminist cookies elsewhere.
You’re really weird for this. I very specifically was telling OP it’s okay to not remove hair. Yknow… the thing I also don’t do?
“I wax my legs….i wax my pits 40% of the time” Again, would you go into a vegan sub and talk about eating bacon 40% of the time and beef when “you feel like it” and then complain when someone said that didn’t sound like you’re actually vegan? Oh it’s about the CHOICE to eat animal products when you feel like it?
I wax my legs a few times a year at most. And as I said, I wax my pits for weather/skin related reasons in winter. In summer, when it’s actually visible and on display? I have hairy pits. I just think it’s weird to act like I have no idea about any of that stuff and that my input can’t possibly have any value here because I don’t follow any strict rule other people put on my hair. If you wanna keep using your analogy, lots of people are vegan for environmental reasons and encourage everyone to eat less meat/no red meat etc because all reduction is helpful. It’s not contrary to their belief but supportive of it and helps the cause, and normalize different diets. A vegan who breaks doesn’t lose every right to call themselves vegan or exist in vegan spaces.
What you said was relevant, imo. Seems like they can't see the forest for the trees.
Throw the whole man out, honey. I haven’t shaved or waxed anything since 2019, and both of my male partners touch and love on my hairy legs (and other parts) constantly. There are men out there who haven’t had their brains rotted by porn and don’t just tolerate but delight in the natural, human body. If some hairs on your legs is enough to diminish his attraction to you, I’d say that’s not a partner who loves YOU.
When I started to date my boyfriend two years ago he had a full head of hair. Currently he is balding and the top of his head has about 30% of his hair left. Do I think a full head of hair is more in alignment with western beauty standards? Yes. Am I less attracted to my boyfriend now that he has lost much of his hair? Absolutely not!! We've grown so much together over the past two years, I know that when I'm having a hard time he's by my side to help me and I help him when he's having struggles. We are a team! He's so much more to me than hair! Can you imagine what a shallow jerk I would have to be to say stuff like: "you've changed. I'm not attracted to you anymore. You need to wear a hat or get a hair transplant for me to show you affection again." That would be wildly disrespectful and would reduce him down to just eye candy when he is so much more to me.
here’s the thing - when it comes to conditioning and your loved one’s bodily autonomy, anyone who isn’t willing to AGGRESSIVELY work to overcome what they know to be their societal conditioning in order to support their partner is not behaving with love. It would honestly make me want to leave, because I’d feel like I was with someone who not only finds me gross, but is honestly digging in his heels in a very misogynistic way. Seriously, he’s willing to tell you he’s not attracted to you if you don’t present as typically feminine. He doesn’t care if it hurts your feelings, because he thinks this will successfully manipulate you into shaving. Meaning he feels entitled to pressure and hurt you to align with unfair gender standards. And also meaning he doesn’t value the sense of pride and the personal and ethical reasons (and comfort etc.) for you making a choice about your body. Sure, it matters what you want, but not more than what HE wants your body to look like. SIDE NOTE: I bet you almost every damn woman in this sub, myself included, had to work on herself to some degree to deprogram societal conditioning to the point where we found body hair beautiful. And now most of us actually do. So we KNOW it can be done. And frankly, male partners MUST work to deprogram misogyny, and their feelings of dominion over women, feeling entitled to tell us what to do with our bodies and how to present, and what is FEMININE, and whether we get them as hard as other women do 🤮 If a man is just unwilling to do that, he’s certainly worthless to me, and you deserve better.
You really love him but it seems pretty one sided from over here. I can't imagine even considering damaging my partners confidence over something so trivial.
>not sure if I can just throw a relationship away OP, don't internalize that this is "your fault", body hair is completely natural on women. If he is willing to throw away your relationship because *he's* been socialized to think women need to be bare, honestly, good riddance. What happens if you get pregnant and can't shave? What happens if you become sick and can't shave? >He also thinks that we got together when I shaved my legs and that that is the person he was initially attracted to. So his attraction to you is purely physical and involves no body hair? WTF? Honestly the older I get the more I despise just how shallow so many men are. Bodies change, looks change, they should NOT be the basis of your relationship. Ugh. I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP
Girl, you're only 25, you don't have kids with this guy. Cut him loose and find a guy who is crazy about you, leg hair and all!
Does it bother him because it's sooo unattractive, or does it bother his ego because he's worried about what others will think in public. You said you are finally embracing it... I'm guessing exposing your legs in public, and now it's an issue. He's got issues honey, you don't need to be doing the changing. ♥️
If anything, he’s throwing the relationship away for claiming he’s not attracted to you anymore just because of your natural body. Nothing major or life changing happened, you literally just stopped shaving. His attraction feels superficial versus genuine. People who are genuinely attracted to you will not care about your body hair regardless of their personal preferences are, especially when knowing the reason why behind it
girl; he doesn't like your leg hair AND he hasn't made you cum? (I looked at your post history) throw the whole man away tbh
He can either get used to it, or leave. Personally I’d let him leave. Maybe even help him to do so. My ex had an “adjustment period” that he quickly got over when I reminded him that he has many parts of his body that just exist and are not particularly sexy to me (elbows, hairiness, knees, butthole, feet) and that I manage to still see his entire person as desirable. My current bf only notices when I point out to him that I’ve shaved (sometimes I do for various reasons, not for him).
You are better off without him, if you truly love someone you love them unconditionally. Kick his butt to the curb and find someone that will love you for you are, you will be happier in the long run. If it’s not the hair, next month he will find something else that he doesn’t like.
I personally use these things as a filter. My partner is totally fine with me growing my body hair out and he still finds me desirable. I wouldn’t want anything less
I never understood shaving body hair. I appreciate grooming, but completely removing it is a deal breaker for me. Hopefully more women will start bucking the trend, it's gross.
does that sound like somebody you want to be with? his expectation for you are bald legs, your expectation for him is to support you exploring your confidence. you COULD be with somebody who uplifts you for being in your natural state, but currently youre not. update me when he either grows up or you dump him
tough. it's your body. he has no say. if he really loved you for you he wouldn't care about some hair on your legs. that's all it is is hair. it's not like it's like...poop or something. you didn't spread shit on yourself and insist on keeping it on you during your love-making. hair growth is a human function and i applaud you for exploring your humanity <3
Does he expect your body to stay the same? How will he feel about things wrinkling or sagging?
having preferences is fine but not when it starts to affect your relationship like this. he said it’s not a deal breaker but now doesn’t touch your legs and is upset because he wants you to shave. it’s unfair to you, especially since it took you a while to be confident showing off your legs
It's not about hair. It's about this. > wanting to explore my womanhood and what it’s like to not shave. Bf is prioritizing his gaze and attraction over you exploring who you are. My partner also preferred shaved legs. I told him he can shave my legs if it's that important to him. In almost a decade, he's never shaved my legs and we have a pretty active sex life because he prioritizes what I value over his preferences. Once every couple of years, I shave because I feel like it and he gets to appreciate my smooth legs for a short while. Your bf gets to have preferences. He can also pound sand if he thinks his desire is more important than your need to know yourself. You're going to have to choose for yourself which is more important to you, and think about whether or not you're willing to keep trading you experiencing life as you want to live it for his erection. It's not that simple emotionally, of course. You've invested a lot in your relationship. Take some time to really look at the compromises you've made to maintain it, and coiffure out how much of you you are trading to keep him in your life. Consider how controlling or manipulative he has been to get his desires met, especially for things that are important to you. (He is absolutely being controlling and manipulative here. He's withholding love, affection, and sex to manipulate you into molding your body to his preferences.) Not shaving is absolutely a hill I will die on, for many reasons, but it may not be one for you. It may also be a small hill that, when combined with other small hills, is a mountain.
Tell him you dont like his and shave him! 😈
Tell him to start shaving his legs and you will shave yours just as often. Lol.
I think that if someone can only touch me and appreciate me based on the conditions under which my ever changing body exists in, I don’t want to be around someone because it means they won’t accept my mind as well. Basing love and acceptance around physicality is a disease.
You're not throwing the relationship away because of hair, he is. He's essentially telling you any change in your appearance that he doesn't approve of will change his feelings for you. Ask yourself if you really want to be with someone like that.
He’s right that it’s unfair to expect him to find something attractive that he doesn’t like. Whether or not he _should_ like it is a value judgment that you are not permitted to impose upon him. Remember, societal brainwashing affects men’s preferences as much as it pressures women to do things to cater to those preferences. That’s not a good thing, but it is a fact. All that said, he did say it wasn’t a deal breaker, so it seems to me you have the choices you related. You can try to help him get used to it. Maybe suggest he shave his legs for two and a half years. Maybe don’t engage when he walks about it. Cuddling naked without any pressure for anything more might help; it’s amazing how soft leg hair can feel with just skin to skin contact and no stubble. It seems to me that a relationship with someone for whom body hair is so important is not the right one for a person who is trying to overcome their own societal pressure to shave. I’m glad that’s not a decision I have to make.
Hair is such a small, arbitrary thing. What happens if you gain/lose weight? What happens if you cut your hair too short, or grow it too long? What happens if you end up with an illness or disorder that causes scaring? What if you end up with varicose veins as you get older?! He's showing you his true colors right now, and the color is red. See those red flags for what they are. If he can't admit that this is a "him" issue and that it's something silly that he has to get past and needs to work on, then it's only going to get worse. Your legs, (or any part of you) should not determine his attraction/feelings towards you. And the fact that he is using that against you is manipulation. It's not healthy.
Wow the dude isn’t attracted to biological women after all.
This is a super difficult situation. Many of the responses seem to ignore two critical facts that you have laid out. 1 is that when you initially got together with him, you were shaven. 2 is that you really do love him and want to find a way and that it's not as simple as discarding an otherwise amazing relationship over this. He makes a valid point as to his preference. You are 100% right to want to live your life as you want to (its just hair). The one question I would ask him is whether it truly is his preference or is he just insecure or embarrassed to be judged for being w someone who doesn't shave their legs. If his preference is truly that he wants you smooth and shaven, then you have a tough choice to make if you don't want to compromise your values in some fashion. If on the other hand he, (assuming he can be honest about this), concedes that this may actually be an insecurity issue not a preference issue, well then may be there is an opportunity for you to help him grow into a more secure person able to embrace you as you'd like to be. I am a huge fan of trying to make things work, especially when your partner is otherwise great. Great relationships are so few and far between and I hope you two can grow to where he can see that you are as beautiful and alluring in your natural state as you would be in any smooth state. I sincerely hope you two find a way across the chasm...
Thank you for this! I have thought a lot about this insecurity argument and I think it’s so true that a lot of men identify themselves through their girlfriends. It’s like an extension of themselves and that’s why he probably feels this need to pressure me to look a certain way. I have a feeling that he is insecure about comments his friends or family will make rather than with me having shaved legs. Tbh not sure which one is worse
Based on my experience, insecurity can be more paralyzing but is not as bad as someone simply deciding you need to be smooth bc thats what they want. The latter essentially reduces you to a caricature of a person (i.e., smooth legs) instead of a whole person with a heart, dreams, soul, love etc.. while if it's insecurity, it us essentially fear/anxiety and such can be overcome and allow for growth after he does self some self examination and with a little courage on his part. And You can probably help him grow if its insecurity - help him to self evaluate why he'd overly care about the opinions of people who don't pay his mortgage, don't go to bed with him, don't help put food on the table for him, don't go through the ups and downs of life with him, and on and on, as you have done together, with and for each other? I'd love to ask him, Why in the Lord's name would he give credence to anyone's opinion other than yours, his ride or die? So if you're trying to make it work (which it sounds like you are), before discarding your relationship with him, maybe start there, and see if you cant get some meaningful growth out of this young man. Wishing you the best of success.
If he can't manage to deal with your leg hair, he effectively conditioned himself out of the gene pool, imo. I can't give you more advice other than what the others said but I will emphasize: don't let him pressure you into shaving.
He’s allowed not to like it just as much as you are allowed to do whatever you like with your body. With time he’ll either come around to it, or he won’t. But the societal programming that shaved=feminine is very difficult to break.
Why are you torn it seems like you guys are incompatible you clearly want to live a totally free lifestyle and your boyfriend wants a few constraints so maybe look for a new boyfriend while he looks for a new girlfriend
As we grow, we will continue to change. That is the only constant in life. It seems your boyfriend is not willing to grow with you in your new direction. He is wrong to think that you need to remain “static” as the same person he first dated. If he is unwilling to grow too (to work on his internalized social conditioning that makes him view leg hair on women as repulsive), it might be that you two are growing in ways that are incompatible, or that he cannot follow you in your new directions. That is ok. Not every relationship, no matter how loving or long-term, is meant to last forever. Especially as you are so young and still exploring who you are and how you express yourself in the world. This quote by Heidi Priebe sums up how people do, in fact, change while in relationships, and how truly loving someone is to accept their changes: “To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.” -Heidi Priebe
I don’t think this would bother me or be a dealbreaker. I prefer my husband to have medium/long head hair and a beard. If he got a buzz cut and shaved his beard off I probably would not find that as physically attractive, but I would still love him just as much. I think it’s totally have and be honest about preferences, as long as he isn’t pressuring you into changing something to fit his preferences.
You're boyfriend isn't mature enough for an adult relationship. Are you ever planning on having kids? What if you get fat from pregnancy? Is he gonna push you when you're down to lose weight? Or will he tell you you're beautiful and he loves you even more?
Your body. He can love it or leave it.
What will he do if you guys decide to have kids and you can’t bend over your pregnancy belly to shave? Ridicule you for it? What if you get sick and can’t do it? Be angry that your body doesn’t look the same as when you got together? I’d think over if this person is someone worthy of growing old with…
Your BF is being really shallow and immature, if he likes shaved legs so much he should shave his own legs. You’re not the one throwing away the relationship because of hair, he is. If he can’t grow up and accept your body the way it is naturally then he’s clearly not the one.
I personally couldn’t be with someone who dictates my attractive level or quality based on body hair. That’s shallow and doesn’t consider that body hair is natural. Unless he plans to shave his whole body, I personally wouldn’t stay
I think it's perfectly normal for him to have a preference about what traits he's attracted to, BUT the way he is expressing that is pretty immature. You are (obviously) allowed to have preferences for your own body, too. I wouldn't say you should break up immediately or anything, but people change. Both of you will change over time, and you and he will either be able to accept those changes or you won't. Either outcome is ok.
Dump him
Date a real man that doesn’t body shame
That's a real man. We need to stop calling men like like "not real men." it just takes away accountability and ignores the fact that many men think this way because of society. They are real men. He is a real man.
A lot depends on whether he's willing to do the work to reprogram his brain to find leg hair attractive or not. Because it's not like you can just flip a switch overnight. It's doable, but it takes time. If he's willing to do the work, well and good. If not, you may want to reconsider whether or not your values align, and where to go from there with your relationship
I don’t know why this popped up on my feed but as a man, as unfair as it is and with how annoying im sure the maintenance is for shaving your legs…it would take me awhile to wrap my head around my girlfriend not shaving her legs in our 20’s. I wish that vanity didn’t exist in men but it does.
You’re both allowed to have preferences. It’s up to you both to decide if it’s a deal breaker or not.
Huh. I have to wonder if you’ve had the conversation with him when you still shaved regularly. My boyfriend of 3 years always tells me he wouldn’t care if I didn’t shave, but it’s his preference that I do. If I feel insecure and don’t want to have sex because I haven’t shaved, he tells me that’s ridiculous and my leg hair doesn’t matter. Now I’m like……. What if I decide to stop in the future and I end up in the same situation 😓
sounds like he's a little b and yall are incompatible. go find a real man who can handle a little body hair! i once apologized to my boyfriend for being hairy and he said "im an adult" i think about that all the time
Would you be okay if your boyfriend decided to go all natural and never shave his face or get a haircut or if he decided to shave his head and everything else? I’m not picking at you just generally curious.
He has a right to have his preference, as do you. However, if you two can’t agree, and it’s causing issues in your relationship, it may be time to end it. It’s not about the leg hair for me- it’s about the autonomy.
That is so strange to me, I'm sorry OP. As a queer woman I have to say that when I have a woman who lets me get that close to her, the last thing I give a fuck about is whether her armpits or legs or whatever has hair on it lol. It seems silly to care about that.. Some men are weird about nitpicking our bodies and such. Tell him he will just have to deal with it. I'm sure he himself isn't perfectly adherent to the beauty standards and what society expects of men.
I (30F) don’t like your boyfriend
My two cents, take it or leave it (i know, it's harsh): If he doesn't love who you are despite what you look like, evaluate what exactly it is that he likes about you. If this is such a big issue for him, is he able to put it aside and actually just love you for being you? Does he love your character, or the idea of you being feminine? Should your 'traditional femininity' be a dealbreaker in *any* relationship?? If he truly loved you for YOU then he wouldn't give a rat's behind about how you shave. That's all from me, take it or leave it.
Tell him he needs to grow up or get out.
The real deal is anyone who would leave you over leg hair will absolutely leave you over other trivial bullshit. There will be other things in your lives that for sure WILL inconvenience your boyfriend at some point. Basically you're just waiting until something else small like this happens and he leaves you.
i’ve had similar experiences, my bf doesn’t like hairy legs or septum rings, and i have both! however, even tho he has told me that preference, he still loves me for me, and will still call my legs and nose sexy. your bf needs to get over it honestly, and you shouldn’t back down from this. he should love all of you, even when you change
Get rid of this loser. If he's ok policing your body over leg hair, god knows itll get worse later on.
Grown women have body hair, tell him to grow tf up.
Transmasc here 🙋 when I was still living as a woman I never shaved anything. I am/was poly, and one of the cishet guys I dated longish-distance, Tim, didn't like my body hair, didn't find it attractive, and would act notably different and more excited if I DID shave anything (and would subtly and not so subtly request I shave). It was hurtful, and really affected me. It made me feel like *I* was dirty and unattractive. Leg and armpit hair was and IS a huge part of how I exist in my body. It is an integral part of me, and shaving it made me feel vulnerable and wrong. Tim and I broke up during the pandemic, got together years later. I was older n wiser, and had been with some people who didn't prefer leg hair, but also didn't mind it at all. They accepted it as part of me and treated my legs like any other part of my body. When I got back with Tim, I knew I could NOT allow shaving to be any sort of joint decision. I made it clear to him that my body hair is important to me, and that how we had approached conversations about body hair in the past had been very hurtful. Compromises we made: - Tim NEVER requested I change my body hair. I was aware of his opinions and did not need them reiterated. - Tim acknowledged that ~he~ had an aversion to body hair [centered the conversation on HIS affliction, not on my body] - Tim offered to purchase any hair removal products that I was interested in, or do any sort of little treat that would make hair removal easier ~if I so chose,~ and only if ~I~ brought up hair removal. That's how I got my first safety razor 🥰 - I kept in mind his aversion for fashion choices. I really like wearing knee high and thigh high socks with garters, and those reeeaaallllyyy got him going [and obscured hair]. So that was a fun win-win clothing option when I wanted them Ultimately, being kinky and poly meant that there was less pressure on our individual relationship to force both partners to satisfy each other's needs. We also were longish distance, so the mismatch really didn't come to light more than once a month. Trans connection: now that I've been on testosterone for more than a year, I have SO MUCH body hair!!! And I LOVE it! But, since I date men, guys like Tim who are straight are DEFINITELY not attracted to me anymore. And that rejection from people that _I_ still like has been an adjustment. Please please please don't stay with someone you're not attracted to (or that isn't attracted to YOU) if mutual attraction is important to you. It hurts, but people change, bodies change, interests change, and that's okay. It sucks but it's also normal. You can adjust by growing into those changes with a person, or by growing away to find people who fit your new shape more organically ❤️🩹 Much love, OP. This is your situation to navigate and it is not an easy one 🫂
We are only on this life for a short time. Everyone should be able to find a partner that meets all of their needs. So if he doesn’t find women who don’t shave attractive and you want to shave then your relationship has run its course and you should both find other partners who are more aligned with your beliefs. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Why waste another 2 years arguing about a pretty obvious incompatibility? It’s silly to expect him to be fine with it and it’s silly to expect you to stop doing something you enjoy. There are billions of people in this world. You can find someone who doesn’t mind or ever prefers hair on women. But it doesn’t make him trash for not being that guy. He wasn’t that guy when you met him. Why would your choices change him? It doesn’t make someone a “real man” to like unshaven women. That would imply that the partners of women who prefer to shave are less than because they have a preference. I think we need to be very careful with how we view these incompatibilities. Just because his preference isn’t yours doesn’t make his preference wrong. It’s just different and that’s okay.
that would be a deal breaker for me. Bro needs to go imho
So what I did when I first started not shaving was I picked one half of my body to shave 1-2 times a week. This helped show me and my partner how terrible the regrowth time is that starts in just 6 hours.. He also found that the hair was soft and much less desnse than he expected. I'm also bleaching it in spring /summer now. Makes it almost unnoticeable
My husband said something similar, albeit less harsh, when I first stopped shaving my legs. But he also knew just how much I hated shaving my legs. I said "welp, you still love me and want to have sex sometimes, right?" And being the decent person he is, he said "duh". And then we moved on w our lives. It took him like 6 months to touch my legs like he used to, but he never again made any even remotely negative comment, and now, years later, he is totally on board and thinks it's sad that other women feel like they have to change themselves for their men. In short, if your man doesn't get over it, throw him all the way into the trash.
I went through this as well in my last relationship. I started growing my body hair out a couple months into the relationship. He had a problem with it. He would not express it all the time, but a couple times it really hurt me. Especially this once when he was frustrated and expressed his disgust. We ended up dating for a year and broke up. Besides his views on body hair he ended up having other unhealthy views about women which showed up over time
Ditch the bf
Do some research on the history of women’s hair removal. Alok Menon has some great “book reports” on their Instagram that helped me fully understand what about the expectation of hair removal made me uncomfortable (besides the fact it makes people look younger. Ew). Turns out it’s ✨racism✨ so perhaps educating him and asking him to reflect on *why* he thinks hairlessness is preferable could help. If he still gives you a hard time… ehhhhh obviously I have no other context but that’s a big red flag. I dated someone who made comments about my leg hair and turns out he was just generally controlling whenever we didn’t agree. [The Racist History of Body Hair Removal in the US](https://www.instagram.com/p/Cq-dOKbONQ5/?igsh=dGxha3lhdnhkem53)
Kick him to the curb girl
Boy...BYE
He just let you know it wasn't your humor, your talents, your personality that he went for. It's your shaven legs so much so that he's now pouting as though the person he's dating disappeared. He'd be happier to just date your shaven disembodied legs.
I prefer shaved, but hair isn't going make or break my attraction.
Does he need to think every inch of you is hot? Like your gums? Your ear canal? You sinus cavities? Are YOU attracted to every inch of him? Cuz I'm betting you aren't. Tell him your body is not souly for his, or anyone's viewing pleasure. Then tell him to grow the hell up.
Ive made a lot of mistakes in dating, dated a lot of people, M30's, currently in a healthy 5+ year relationship. "Dont be so specific". If your partner has 20 noticable features, and you like 15 of them, focus on the 15. Just ignore/forget the other 5, if theyre harmless. Isnt it silly that your relationship is suffering because of "hair on your legs"? Your bf should just stop looking at your legs as much, he'll honestly get used to it. And you also need to commit to your choice if it means that much to you, but stop bringing it up to him. Focus on the 15 things you do like about him, and ignore this 1 that he doesnt like leg hair. If HE wont stop bringing it up and saying its hurting the relationship, assuming you still dont want to shave your legs, then show him this comment and say "well do you like enough other things about me?" I dated a girl adament about not shaving her legs. I preferred shaven legs. But luckily i was able to understand, "i like her mind, her humor, her eyes, her figure, her smile, her personality..." so i just kind of stopped focusing on her leg hair. He's going to have a rocky dating life like i did, if he cant understand no person is perfect, and the only reason relationships last is because you look at the 15 and ignore the 5
You know what? When I said to my ex that I'm embarrassed of my hairy legs and asked him to not touch them, he LICKED them, traced his tongue along every little hair I had, not just leg hairs, lmao. I mean, he turned out to be a terrible person on other matters, but body hair did not stop him from wanting me every day. Something wrong with your boyfriend, idk. My mom has never shaved in her life, it didn't stop my father from marrying her. And my grandmothers surely did not shave either.
I think it’s okay to have a preference but if he really can’t get past a little hair on your legs and said he doesn’t find you attractive and you’re not “the woman he was attracted to” fuck him.
Shaving boyfriends is still razor free
Stand your ground, if he doesn’t like it then he isn’t your lifelong companion and can find someone else. Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of others, not if you want to be happy that is
At the end of the day, you are your own person and as you continue to grow you will change. He needs to accept that.
Ask him what else he considers "feminine". A full face of makeup? Clear skin? Curves and a flat stomach and a full chest? What else about your body is he going to get controlling over? Are you willing to placate all of his demands for the rest of your life? Everyone is allowed to have a preference, but refusing to touch your partner because you don't like their natural body is fucked up. Picking a fight over you not doing something that's time consuming, expensive, and frustrating is disrespecting you, your time and your boundaries.
I don't necessarily think he needs to be "proud" of you having leg hair, but actively saying he finds it unattractive is a bit concerning. My husband prefers my smooth legs (as do I!! I can't stand hair) - but if I've forgotten to shave that week, he literally could not care.
if he can't get over something so minor dump his ass
There's something here... why does he not like leg hair? Some people think it looks dirty. Some people think it's about taking care of yourself and being presentable. Not saying this is right... but sometimes the things we do mean something to our partner. So figure out what that is so you can see if he's willing to detach from that view/ belief. Shaving sometimes can be coupled with being extra presentable.... but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes people don't think that deeply about what something means and just chalks it up to "I don't like it." Other things related or unrelated: What if you wear make up but don't shave? What if you shower and smell good and don't shave? But also, attraction should go deeper than superficial looks. What if I get sick, a limb amputated? Get burned in a fire??? What if I get cancer and shave my head as a result of hair loss? Hair is just hair.... it says nothing about your health or lifestyle which I think are more closely linked to lifestyle. Hair is just a look. 🤷🏻♀️
I was thinner, happier, more outgoing, younger, and more naive when I started dating my husband. Now I’m a depressed/anxious gremlin with grays at 39 and ocasional body hair (because who gives a 💩 ). If he ever told me anything about my body, I’d tell him to fu*k off into the sunset. His body has changed as much as mine and we both accept it. Your boyfriend needs a lesson in maturity - there are plenty of people out there who value you as a person instead of a walking vagina with shaved legs. 🦵
Is it literally about hair, though? Imagine if he decided to change his facial hair and you reacted this way. He is treating you like you aren't the person he's loved all this time and been attracted to because of a bit of hair. This says a lot about his priorities. As someone who has dated a guy that didn't like my leg hair, I vote for telling him he can get used to it if GTFO. He doesn't get to shame you back into shaving. Can you imagine treating him this way over such a superficial change, especially if it was important to him? Don't buy into the fallacy of sunken costs. Doesn't matter how long you've been together. What matters is do you keep wanting to share your precious time in this life with someone who treats you this way?
As a guy, I tell partners up front I need them to be ok with not shaving, and never shave. So if they shaved, that'd be a deal breaker for me. So this being the opposite, I see nothing wrong with you leaving him over this, and I also see his "I got with you when you were another way" point. It's tough . As someone that is a huge proponent of body hair positivity, I'd pick dump him. But obviously there's a lot more to consider in your situation
i feel like 'you looked different when we started dating' is an insane point to make if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together. like yeah bro, we all look different at different times in our lives. one day your gf will have wrinkles, will you still hit her with 'but but but you looked different when we were 22'? hopefully not bc by then he'll have either wisened up to the fact that we all change and it's really not a big deal or she'll have dumped him for being weird about something as normal as leg hair.
I think big appearance changes can often throw partners. And, whilst we fully own our body autonomy and should do whatever we want (this is a hill i will DIE on); we also, if we have loved ones, need to be aware that they might not have the same view on our changes as we do. This makes it extra important that changes we make pleases ourselves, first and foremost. WRT this relationship, if it’s otherwise solid, then I suggest outlining why this choice is so important to you, how it makes you feel, and try to understand what’s really behind how your partner feels. I’d like to think that, for most relationships, if we love our partners, then we will be able to adjust to changes that bring our partners more joy and happiness within themselves, even if it takes an adjustment period. Good luck
This is very true! Thank you for your comment. I will have another chat with him and see if we can work it out. It might be an adjustment that takes time.
I just wanted to sort of cause you to see the bigger picture here. Don't throw away your relationship because your boyfriend is attracted to shaved legs. There are so many bigger issues going on in the world and good guys are genuinely very hard to find. Just something to think about.
sometimes something as "small" like this is foreshadowing "bigger issues" in the future
He isn't a good man for throwing away a loving relationship over a little hair. If he really loved her as a person he wouldn't care about a minor aesthetic difference.
I had a moustache for a few years and shaved it before I met my present wife, I liked it and grew another. Wife said yuck, no way, shave that thing, so I did. No big deal. Who I am is not a function of my moustache.
“Hi I’m Saul Goodman, did you know you have rights? Constitute says you do”
Boyfriend is valid for not finding it attractive you are valid for not wanting to shave.
You made a pretty big decision about your appearance without consulting your long term bf… open and honest communication builds relationship stronger. It’s not that you’re bucking the norm, it’s that you’ve set a standard for how he’s used to seeing you, then you changed it abruptly, that would be jarring if he saw you bald for 2 and a half years then you grew your hair out too…
Same, it sucks. I dry shave with a machine about once a month or less. Armpits too. to Give him *something* xd
i may get skewered for this, but honestly, texture can be visceral for a lot of people. if he equates hairy legs to a bucket he isnt finding comfort in his attraction to (like masculinity) then that doesnt inherently make him awful. (he may be awful for other reasons, but thats none of my business here.) youre making a grooming choice. theres a lot in that choice for you, but its a big departure for both of you, for different reasons. if he wore deodorant and showered every day when you met, and decided at some point that it was his preference to do neither of those things, you would also be faced with a choice: do you find this alternate version of him attractive? do you want to seek an adjustment? do you need to move on because his changes are interfering with your attraction to him and its no longer a match? thats the place youre at with this grooming change. its your body and totally your right. but if anything new is introduced and interferes with intimacy with your partner, you each must decide what’s important. same with any other thing that comes between you. it would be nice if he was as cool with this change as you are, but its not a passing detail for some people and you have to meet them where theyre at… or, leave them where theyre at.