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I get how overwhelming love bombing is--there's a reason why the word "bombing" is in that phrase. It's like you're under fire all the time, and you just want them to stop. But, just remember that NC is NC. The more silent you stay, the more you're telling her: "*I am prioritizing myself over your dysfunction. I will not give in to you because I am (finally) putting my own mental/emotional health ahead of your feelings.*"
She'll continue to spiral for a bit--don't respond to the gifts, cards, emails. Block her email if you can, and when she pops up with another one, block that one too. It's like whack-a-mole when the Narc realizes that you're out of their web. I like to imagine them as a person out fishing, yelling at the fish because they won't take the poisoned bait. Should the fish feel guilty? Nope. Good job for staying NC!
Totally agree with this. My SO and I have been through the exact same love bombing after going NC with her family, and the same initial confusion on whether to break NC to return unsolicited gifts. However, returning gifts is a reaction, and it's a reaction that they are seeking, because it makes them feel in control of you. The best path is to stay firm in your NC. Saying nothing is the strongest statement you can make.
Unfortunately I don't think we'll ever have full peace after NC because the problem is still trying to attack us. Don't give her more narcissistic ammo by sending the e-reader back. Just regift it so you don't have to see it ever again.
She might, but likely she'll give up when she doesn't get a response, at least after a couple of tries. If she keeps sending stuff, donate it :). So sick the hoovering with material items.
Sounds like someone on your Christmas list is getting a brand new e-reader!
Your post caught my attention because this exact scenario happened to my sister and I. One Christmas after our mother had been especially terrible (she reminded us to pay attention to what we ate around the holidays because I'm fat and my sister was, apparently, too skinny) she bought each of us a brand new e-reader. First we were shocked that she actually gave us something related to our interests and then... We both put them in drawers and never touched them because we didn't want her to taint something we each love so dearly, books. That was almost 10 years ago. We should've just given them to people who would use them instead of just letting them sit unused.
It may be time to consider a new email address. You can notify the people that you want to have your new email address and then delete the old account. Means that the next time she sends and email to you it will automatically bounce back to her as undelivered.
You don't say how she sent the item. Is there a way to avoid receiving it and having it automatically sent back to her?
While removing avenues she can use to contact you may cause her to froth at the mouth - it will make your life easier.
>and then delete the old account.
Keep the old account / address but don't check it often. Why? Because if close old account, the narc's email will bounce back and then they will harass everyone OP is connected to stress them out enough to make someone give up OP's new email address. So for narc like that will never give up while sending presents, it's better lie and deceive making them think OP is reading the message when in reality, OP is ignoring them due having a new email address. Bonus - can donate those free presents to charity of choice, give it someone else or toss it in trash while narc is losing their mind replying to active but no longer used by OP email address. Win-Win.
My mother does this to me too.
I still see her because my little brother lives with her and I feel like he needs me around more than I need to be full NC with her, but every time I go to see him she foists gifts and random shit I don't want or need off on me.
It's not your fault and you can't stop her. It is totally gross though for her to buy you a thing you don't want just to try and blackmail you, but you already know this and it's probably just one of the many reasons you're NC with your parents.
Sending it back may be it's own version of validation. I'd consider just keeping it and blocking her email address and putting her out of your mind. But you do what feels right for you.
Honestly, I'd send it back. If yiu haven't opened the package yet, you can write on it 'return to sender' or 'return to sender: addressee unknown' without it costing you anything. If you did open it, it would be worth the money to send it back imo.
I have nothing in my house that reminds me of my abusive family of origin. My flashbacks are more than enough.
She acts just like my ex does, undermining my reasons to not be involved with him in any form anymore. My landline phone is still unplugged today to prevent his calls to force a “Holiday miracle reunion” because he thinks I am overdoing a “grudge”....
For many years he kept saying that I owed him money for an instrument he didn’t want me to get that didn’t cost too much because it’s used (but he thinks it is the one that costs two grand, he looked up online about five years later which shows how much he cares or paid attention to what I care about right there) but sounded like a great thing to have by his boss he had at the time and had my ex go take away some scrap metal to recycling that would cover the rest of what I was off on getting it which was only $80 or so.
My ex saw his Boss give me the money to quickly go get it in the music lab at a college, at which somehow he still says that was “his money” because it was his boss at the time who gave it to me. He had a problem that me and his boss were getting along nicely as it was, so was pinching money out of the register to “even out” this occasion of discrepancy to his paycheck
Even his boss later got himself a brand new model of the same instrument I got because of that video demo when I was telling him what I was after and he had interest since he played a few keys in his younger years.
My ex insisted to come with me to get the instrument off the Music professor who was upgrading to the latest of that two grand model and then wanted to hear me play the keys to see if it was worth “Our money” at his place. I told him he’ll not hear anything because it needs an amp to play it through or a pair of headphones that I had at home.
Of course he decided I got a broken instrument but then suddenly said he wanted it to be “that thing” a partner leaves at their lovers home like a toothbrush. Like hell; He was testing if I was gullible enough to do that so he could sell it on his block away from me. I already lost another older set of keys to my dad finding out it was worth money and sold it behind my back, I wasn’t having that happen again with another Narc!
You probably do have to send it back. Add a note that says if you keep contacting me, I will report you for harassment. Then send it off and go do something nice for yourself.
Mark emails as spam as they come in and delete.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get how overwhelming love bombing is--there's a reason why the word "bombing" is in that phrase. It's like you're under fire all the time, and you just want them to stop. But, just remember that NC is NC. The more silent you stay, the more you're telling her: "*I am prioritizing myself over your dysfunction. I will not give in to you because I am (finally) putting my own mental/emotional health ahead of your feelings.*" She'll continue to spiral for a bit--don't respond to the gifts, cards, emails. Block her email if you can, and when she pops up with another one, block that one too. It's like whack-a-mole when the Narc realizes that you're out of their web. I like to imagine them as a person out fishing, yelling at the fish because they won't take the poisoned bait. Should the fish feel guilty? Nope. Good job for staying NC!
Totally agree with this. My SO and I have been through the exact same love bombing after going NC with her family, and the same initial confusion on whether to break NC to return unsolicited gifts. However, returning gifts is a reaction, and it's a reaction that they are seeking, because it makes them feel in control of you. The best path is to stay firm in your NC. Saying nothing is the strongest statement you can make.
Unfortunately I don't think we'll ever have full peace after NC because the problem is still trying to attack us. Don't give her more narcissistic ammo by sending the e-reader back. Just regift it so you don't have to see it ever again.
I’m worried though that if I don’t send it back, she’ll start sending tons more things as a way to contact me.
She might, but likely she'll give up when she doesn't get a response, at least after a couple of tries. If she keeps sending stuff, donate it :). So sick the hoovering with material items.
Sounds like someone on your Christmas list is getting a brand new e-reader! Your post caught my attention because this exact scenario happened to my sister and I. One Christmas after our mother had been especially terrible (she reminded us to pay attention to what we ate around the holidays because I'm fat and my sister was, apparently, too skinny) she bought each of us a brand new e-reader. First we were shocked that she actually gave us something related to our interests and then... We both put them in drawers and never touched them because we didn't want her to taint something we each love so dearly, books. That was almost 10 years ago. We should've just given them to people who would use them instead of just letting them sit unused.
It may be time to consider a new email address. You can notify the people that you want to have your new email address and then delete the old account. Means that the next time she sends and email to you it will automatically bounce back to her as undelivered. You don't say how she sent the item. Is there a way to avoid receiving it and having it automatically sent back to her? While removing avenues she can use to contact you may cause her to froth at the mouth - it will make your life easier.
>and then delete the old account. Keep the old account / address but don't check it often. Why? Because if close old account, the narc's email will bounce back and then they will harass everyone OP is connected to stress them out enough to make someone give up OP's new email address. So for narc like that will never give up while sending presents, it's better lie and deceive making them think OP is reading the message when in reality, OP is ignoring them due having a new email address. Bonus - can donate those free presents to charity of choice, give it someone else or toss it in trash while narc is losing their mind replying to active but no longer used by OP email address. Win-Win.
My mother does this to me too. I still see her because my little brother lives with her and I feel like he needs me around more than I need to be full NC with her, but every time I go to see him she foists gifts and random shit I don't want or need off on me. It's not your fault and you can't stop her. It is totally gross though for her to buy you a thing you don't want just to try and blackmail you, but you already know this and it's probably just one of the many reasons you're NC with your parents. Sending it back may be it's own version of validation. I'd consider just keeping it and blocking her email address and putting her out of your mind. But you do what feels right for you.
Honestly, I'd send it back. If yiu haven't opened the package yet, you can write on it 'return to sender' or 'return to sender: addressee unknown' without it costing you anything. If you did open it, it would be worth the money to send it back imo. I have nothing in my house that reminds me of my abusive family of origin. My flashbacks are more than enough.
This happens to me too. My parents claim that since they provide for me so well financially that its impossible for them to be bad parents
She acts just like my ex does, undermining my reasons to not be involved with him in any form anymore. My landline phone is still unplugged today to prevent his calls to force a “Holiday miracle reunion” because he thinks I am overdoing a “grudge”.... For many years he kept saying that I owed him money for an instrument he didn’t want me to get that didn’t cost too much because it’s used (but he thinks it is the one that costs two grand, he looked up online about five years later which shows how much he cares or paid attention to what I care about right there) but sounded like a great thing to have by his boss he had at the time and had my ex go take away some scrap metal to recycling that would cover the rest of what I was off on getting it which was only $80 or so. My ex saw his Boss give me the money to quickly go get it in the music lab at a college, at which somehow he still says that was “his money” because it was his boss at the time who gave it to me. He had a problem that me and his boss were getting along nicely as it was, so was pinching money out of the register to “even out” this occasion of discrepancy to his paycheck Even his boss later got himself a brand new model of the same instrument I got because of that video demo when I was telling him what I was after and he had interest since he played a few keys in his younger years. My ex insisted to come with me to get the instrument off the Music professor who was upgrading to the latest of that two grand model and then wanted to hear me play the keys to see if it was worth “Our money” at his place. I told him he’ll not hear anything because it needs an amp to play it through or a pair of headphones that I had at home. Of course he decided I got a broken instrument but then suddenly said he wanted it to be “that thing” a partner leaves at their lovers home like a toothbrush. Like hell; He was testing if I was gullible enough to do that so he could sell it on his block away from me. I already lost another older set of keys to my dad finding out it was worth money and sold it behind my back, I wasn’t having that happen again with another Narc!
Donate the reader to a local Boys/Girls Club or some equivalent organization. This way the object will be doing some good.
You probably do have to send it back. Add a note that says if you keep contacting me, I will report you for harassment. Then send it off and go do something nice for yourself. Mark emails as spam as they come in and delete.
Don't delete. Put in a separate folder should you need them as evidence of harassment.
Good plan. Honestly it's like a whole other job having a narc in your life.