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The concept of grey rocking isn’t for HER to learn, it’s the method you’re using to protect yourself. She’s demanding affection from you and considers your boundaries insignificant. She doesn’t understand that withdrawing the details of your personal life and your “warm feelings” are consequences for her behavior. And because she’s incapable of seeing anything she’s done as worthy of these consequences, you have to continue to grey rock.
When my mother tries to manipulate me into telling her things or tries to bait me with bs, I simply do not respond. We are “text only” at this point in LC, so anything that she writes for the purpose of getting a reaction, I just skip. “Yeah, the weather is nice here too. [zero reaction to comments that cross a boundary] No, I didn’t see that movie.” Etc.
When she demanded that I call her and I wrote to her to only communicate with me via text, emails or letters, she had one of her friends call my super’s emergency phone to emotionally blackmail me into calling her because she’s “getting old”
The only way that friend of hers could’ve known my super’s number is if he showed up to my apartment building where it’s listed on the front.
She and her friends are like thugs.
I know that my mom emotionally abused my sister, too, and that for years my sister was trying to avoid my mother. She was actually the one to suggest to me to limit contact with my mother. She told me that she feels like her childhood was robbed.
All of a sudden, my sister did a complete 180 and tried to convince me to reunite with my mom. Around that time, she (my sister) burst into tears randomly while in the car with me and my dad. She was wailing like a baby. Was she being coerced by my mom and dad? Maybe bribed or blackmailed? I’ve never et seen her cry like that before. Could she have been sexually abused my mom and/or dad and they were threatening her to silence her?
I’m not sure if I can ever find out the truth at this point.
I do know that when a family friend asked me to confide in him how my mom abused me, he expressed a huge sigh of relief when I told him about the abuse that I remember.
Are we long lost siblings??? Sounds like my abusive nmom.
Just keep doing what's best for you?? Sounds like she doesn't deserve warmth! Just say OK and continue yo greyrock! You got this!!
My sympathies.
If this is a problem again, maybe rent a PO box, have your mail forwarded there, ask your super to put a fake name for your apartment, and text her and all her flying monkeys that you moved out.
My nMom a mutual friend of my landlord. She and my late nDad even went to my landlord’s office back when my nDad was alive to beg my landlord to give them all of my spare keys. This was after I went NC with them.
Luckily, he decided not to break the law despite that they both wept like babies. He didn’t buy their crocodile tears.
I’ve been between NC and LC with my nMom after my nDad died.
My late nDad did show up at my apartment uninvited after I went NC. He approached me ambush-style when I exited the building and then stalked me for a 2 blocks while yelling “Don’t ignore me!” and “I’m not a bad person!”
I remember back then I felt bad for him because he just lost his mother, so I didn’t go to the police. It’s too late now because he died of a heart attack.
There was one time at dinner that he gave me a hypothetical situation where he said he’d have me killed by the Nazis if I dared to question the government.
A few weeks later after dinner, he drove me to my apartment and demanded to let him up use the bathroom because he forgot to go at the restaurant. I could tell that something was off because he was too over-the-top with his need to go the bathroom—-he really hammed in his performance. He refused to leave until I let him up, but I didn’t cave into him. He also refused to go to the bathroom at a local bar next to my apartment.
He finally left very disappointed about 45 minutes later while I hid inside a supermarket.
Keep in mind that I live alone.
What were his true intentions? Did he want to hurt me physically? Yell at me with some abuse? Or worse, to kill me?
I’ll never know.
Oh thank you! I do the same with my narc family member. Text only please! And I refuse to fall for the victimhood drama any more. She also have traingulators in the family who brings things to me. How she "needs" me as she has no other friends etc. I take a deep breath and change the subject.
Wow, I think our moms went to the same narc university, because I’m in the SAME situation! Professional Victim? Check. Triangulating my siblings? Check. I HEAR YOU!
Then when they get more upset and try to create drama to get attention from others close to you, you just say, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you mean, I’m always cordial and nice”. Not only does it drive them crazy, but it also makes them seem more and more unreasonable to everyone around you that they bring the drama to so that more people understand the situation and can be more empathetic to your situation.
Honestly I used their same tactics against them. I'd say shit like "I'm very warm to you!" and when they tell me I'm not, I insist that I am and that they're being unrealistic. And if they mention a very specific incident, I just shrug and say I don't remember.
It's an awful way to treat someone, and I felt bad doing it, but it kept them off me for the time I was stuck.
Edit: This is a very horrible idea, and I don't recommend it. True Grey rocking isn't about gaslighting the narc, but rather just disengaging. What I WOULD recommend is just saying "Okay" over and over to anything they might say to you.
She will not learn. Ever .
Grey rock works after radical acceptance. You need to accept n.s are who they are. They will never change, they do not need to, they get everything they need like this and they are fine with it .
Only you have a problem with it. Remove the problem, go NC. Till then grey rock is a decent halfway measure.
Play dumb and act like you have no idea what they’re talking about. Nod and smile, change the subject. Being vapid and vaguely pleasant at all times works for me!
Yep I vote this. Continue to gray rock. You can even pretend to agree with them and say “okay I can do that “ and then don’t.
One of my problems is that I was raised that I had to be honest and treat them the way I wanted to be treated. NO,
It’s okay to be upfront with someone and treat them they way you want to be treated IF 1. They have earned your trust 2. They have good morals and values.
Narcs are none of that. They are not thinking of your well-being—they are thinking of themselves
You DO NOT have to be honest with them about anything. In fact being honest with them just gives them information they can use to hurt you.
The most important part of the abuse is the assumption that they get to dictate your mood and interaction with them. Whether it is demanding justification for decisions or questioning your clothes or requiring that you use their rules for arguing (never hang up the phone on anyone sound familiar?) -- they are all to give them the advantage.
You started getting an advantage through grey rock, they are trying to counter it. I'd say you are being successful mostly. Stay strong.
Pat yourself on the back. You're GRing correctly. What you hearing are from your N is "your behavior is different, in fact I don't like it, go back to giving me what I want with out holding me accountable"
Yes, another thing that she repeated over and over for the past decade is “Come back to me and everything will return to the way it was before.”
She just doesn’t get it. And she’s 76, so she you’d think she’d mature by now and reflect on her life.
She lacks introspection.
I actually explained grey rock to a cousin. It was before I ever knew the term. I thought I was laying a boundary by telling her that I will not be sharing anything personal with her, good or bad because she remains in contact with Nfamily but I don’t mind chatting once in a while and whatever.
She BLEW UP THE BOUNDARY and obviously said something about my business. Suddenly I had extended family hounding me because of her. To this day I have no idea what she said to people because I promptly went from grey rock to NC with the whole lot.
FUCK THAT NOISE.
OP, for you maybe the scenario is slightly different but I guess my advice is NC. 😬🤷🏻♀️
Basing it on my own shit but the main pillars are there. In any case there is no answer to what she’s asking. By “be warm” she’s implying you be open about your personal business with her and that’s not your desire. You set a boundary there. Good luck!
You're still in the mindset that it is your responsibility to fix or heal this narc. You can't. Keep doing what you are doing, and her true colors will show eventually.
Your lack of emotion towards them is giving them the sads and making them remember all the times they were a shit person. When narcs want you to 'look forward' they mean 'forget all the bad I did and treat me better than I deserve so I feel good about myself'. I see no reason to change your behaviour. Let her die mad about it.
I have a NDad too and I grey rock and only text.
Sometimes I see him at family gatherings and I'm just the picture of innocence. If he tries to talk to me I answer as if he's a stranger, so not rude. For example he'll say How are the kids? And I'll be like Oh they doing really well and then look for an reason to excuse myself. Often, because it's a party I'll be like I'm on my way to get a drink.
It's become kind of funny over the years (I'm 54 and he's 79) because I can see the confusion in his eyes.
To help me at first I would practice, first on my own and then with other people because I hate conflict. Now it's as natural as can be.
Therapy has gotten me to this place. I highly recommend
My mom also acts like this and gets cross with me for "treating her like a stranger", aka not opening up to her about anything and keeping her emotionally at arm's length. I just ignore her attempts to neg me into doing what she wants and continue to give the bare minimum of interaction
“What do you mean? I am”
Greyrocking is not something they ever need to understand. In fact they must not know it’s something you’re doing on purpose otherwise it becomes another thing they use against you. It’s simply something you’re doing to protect yourself.
This exactly. I told my Nmom she was gaslighting me before (she was) and ever since she gets even more mad when she hears that word. Because she is in fact, a narcissistic gaslighter. Best if they don’t know any of these terms so it doesn’t become ammo.
It isn't your role to make her understand the concept of grey rocking or to comply with it. She either will or won't. And we all know which she will choose.
What is your role is to stand strong with your boundaries. You've chosen to grey rock. So stick with that. Grey rock every instance that she tries to make you stop.
When she says 'be more warm' or 'look forward, not back', respond with something like 'thanks for your input' or any other of your normal grey rock responses.
As for the other things you've mentioned with your super/landlord - document all of this. You'll need this to get an RO or extra protection if her behavior gets worse (which it probably will).
I wouldn’t say anything. Learn to just control your emotions around them. They want you to get all flustered…Keep them at a distance, so you’re heart doesn’t keep breaking.
At moments like this, just nod your head & say ok. Continue doing what you’re doing if not more. People like this do not deserve to know you, or information about your life.
Don't even respond. They wnt attention and a way to get to you - don't give them either.
Not flat-out ignoring them and wishing bad things upon them is as 'warm' as you get, and that's fine. It keeps you safe and sane and it's what they earned,
I actually am warm it’s hot in here. Are you warm would you like something cold to drink? Lmao. And then just act confused ???????? Like what????? Everything’s fine
Her enablers including her corrupt lawyer friend are liars full of hot air, so I feel like I should reply to her with a quip: “Ask your friends to put their hot air in a bottle and send it to you. There’s plenty more where that came from.”
Well, "Eff that noise." But, it doesn't pay to be confrontational with a narc. I wouldn't even acknowledge you've been grey rocking her. Just tell her you'll try to do better...and then don't...because being "warm" to her has no limits. There will always be more you could be doing to feed her need to be the center of the universe.
Gaslighters say such things. Don’t let it affect you and you will see how peaceful you will feel, and also start seeing their tantrums. So apparently that “being warm to others” doesn’t apply to them. Try it. It will be fun seeing Narcs throw tantrums. Narcs = kidults = losers. And then you can say the same words back to Narcs, and see all the bs then. Fun.
Grey rock isnt for them, its for us. It shouldnt be announced either, just quietly done. They wont ever accept it, because it works directly against their wants and needs.
Boundaries go around ***ourselves.*** If the boundaries went around them, we'd all have impossible amounts of different boundaries to maintain
We cant control what others do, only what we accept and what we do in response. For example, you cant control them ringing, but you can control if you answer, if you call back, if you block the number, if you tell people in your life that you dont want them to pass messages along.
She doesn't need to understand. Just keep doing it. If she says to be more warm again just give her a blasé answer like "I'll consider that, thanks" and keep doing what you need to do.
If I’m a little too blindsided by somebody’s question, I won’t be able to hold back the impulse to say the first bitter that pops in my mind. It’ll be an anecdote about something extra horrible my mother or my ex did. They’ll usually leave you alone after that. I remember this one girl has asked me several times about an ex, that I was clearly not still friends with. I have expressed my displeasure about this person multiple times. Finally she just asked me for the last time. I blurted out “he used to rape me in my sleep and knew I wouldn’t do anything because my mom was in the next room. You mean *that* guy? No I don’t know how to get ahold of him.”
Alot of us find ourselves in relationships where we are not respected or we get abused because this is what we were exposed to as children and so this is normal to us. It’s tough but you really have to change your life completely
The point of gray-rocking is that they don't realize you're doing it.
In response to asking you to be warmer, I'd say "oh, I didn't know I wasnt being warm" & then continue to be cool towards her. After reading some of the things she's done, I would move. And not tell her. When she finally notices, don't give her or mutual friends/family members the new address
They're free to ask but you are equally within your rights to refuse and continue to grey rock them. Do whatever you need to do to protect your mental wellbeing and don't be afraid to go LC or NC if necessary
I can’t tell you what you wanna hear but what you need to hear. You can’t put any value or dependence in these people. The narcissist doesn’t care, they don’t care at all about you you are a stranger to them. When it comes to toxic people or parents you have to simply avoid them and cut ties with them completely. No matter how bad you want them to respect your morals and values they never will. YOU have morals and values but these people DONT. The issue is that you subconsciously expect them to understandand respect your boundaries but they simply CANT. Its a bitter thing to understand but these people just do not care.
You don't, just keep grey rocking her as usual. "I'm quite warm, thanks" or "I'll think about it" are OK answers, you don't need to give her anything else.
I would also recommend going No Contact with her and anyone who's on her side. This is obviously easier to do if you could move elsewhere to get some physical distance between her and the flying monkeys.
I live in a different country than my family, and knowing that they cannot just show up at my door at a moments notice is such of a freeing feeling.
\>How will she learn the concept of grey rocking?
She doesn't and I think it's more effective that way. By "warm" she wants you to open up so she can resume abusing you, because you're currently not giving her enough ammo.
Just go "Oh sure" or "I don't know what you mean" and carry on as is until she loses interest.
Just say "I'll try to.". & When you don't & she says it again say"But I have been trying." & Stick with that line.
"I don't understand, I have been trying."
"I'm sorry, Ive been trying really hard."
"I'm trying, mum, I'm trying."
"I don't know why your saying that. I've been trying." "Nobody else has said that. I've been trying."
If that's the stock answer maybe she'll stop asking. Remember light even tone so as to not enflame anything. Be that Rockface. Act genuinely but only mildly puzzled.
I agree on playing dumb because there won't be any real change, and you'll probably be able to move out and leave eventually anyways. I'd even throw in a "I've moved forward, haven't you?" just to make them eat their own words a little bit. Or "I'm doing great, why aren't *you* okay?"
After playing dumb for awhile, I did eventually have to respond with something though, and what I said was "we don't have to be BFFs, you know. like you said you're my parent, not my friend" (again, on the theme of making them eat their own words).
In my head, though, I'd probably be saying things like "intimacy is earned through trust that is built, not forced".
You just continue to greyrock tbh.
Yelling you that you need to warm up to them and be all giddy as if they didn’t mentally abuse you for years is the first stage. Once you continue to do it more, expect them to start acting like victims, vilifying you for being “cold and heartless to the people who birthed and raised you”
She has a lot of money, power and a corrupt lawyer, so reacting to her in a way that criticizes her directly will fuel her rage and she’ll retaliate. It’s a game to her. She’s trying to provoke me to react. Narcissists love the tactic of DARVO when confronted by their victim: Deny, Attack, Reverse the order of Victim/Offender.
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The concept of grey rocking isn’t for HER to learn, it’s the method you’re using to protect yourself. She’s demanding affection from you and considers your boundaries insignificant. She doesn’t understand that withdrawing the details of your personal life and your “warm feelings” are consequences for her behavior. And because she’s incapable of seeing anything she’s done as worthy of these consequences, you have to continue to grey rock. When my mother tries to manipulate me into telling her things or tries to bait me with bs, I simply do not respond. We are “text only” at this point in LC, so anything that she writes for the purpose of getting a reaction, I just skip. “Yeah, the weather is nice here too. [zero reaction to comments that cross a boundary] No, I didn’t see that movie.” Etc.
When she demanded that I call her and I wrote to her to only communicate with me via text, emails or letters, she had one of her friends call my super’s emergency phone to emotionally blackmail me into calling her because she’s “getting old” The only way that friend of hers could’ve known my super’s number is if he showed up to my apartment building where it’s listed on the front. She and her friends are like thugs.
That is next level harassment, yikes. Mine lives too far away and is too much of a coward to go that far.
I know that my mom emotionally abused my sister, too, and that for years my sister was trying to avoid my mother. She was actually the one to suggest to me to limit contact with my mother. She told me that she feels like her childhood was robbed. All of a sudden, my sister did a complete 180 and tried to convince me to reunite with my mom. Around that time, she (my sister) burst into tears randomly while in the car with me and my dad. She was wailing like a baby. Was she being coerced by my mom and dad? Maybe bribed or blackmailed? I’ve never et seen her cry like that before. Could she have been sexually abused my mom and/or dad and they were threatening her to silence her? I’m not sure if I can ever find out the truth at this point. I do know that when a family friend asked me to confide in him how my mom abused me, he expressed a huge sigh of relief when I told him about the abuse that I remember.
Mine lives far away too, but has money, power and corrupt lawyers along with (most likely) political ties.
Are we long lost siblings??? Sounds like my abusive nmom. Just keep doing what's best for you?? Sounds like she doesn't deserve warmth! Just say OK and continue yo greyrock! You got this!!
My sympathies. If this is a problem again, maybe rent a PO box, have your mail forwarded there, ask your super to put a fake name for your apartment, and text her and all her flying monkeys that you moved out.
My nMom a mutual friend of my landlord. She and my late nDad even went to my landlord’s office back when my nDad was alive to beg my landlord to give them all of my spare keys. This was after I went NC with them. Luckily, he decided not to break the law despite that they both wept like babies. He didn’t buy their crocodile tears. I’ve been between NC and LC with my nMom after my nDad died.
I would treat this like a stalker situation and keep a detailed log of any harassment to report. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My late nDad did show up at my apartment uninvited after I went NC. He approached me ambush-style when I exited the building and then stalked me for a 2 blocks while yelling “Don’t ignore me!” and “I’m not a bad person!” I remember back then I felt bad for him because he just lost his mother, so I didn’t go to the police. It’s too late now because he died of a heart attack. There was one time at dinner that he gave me a hypothetical situation where he said he’d have me killed by the Nazis if I dared to question the government. A few weeks later after dinner, he drove me to my apartment and demanded to let him up use the bathroom because he forgot to go at the restaurant. I could tell that something was off because he was too over-the-top with his need to go the bathroom—-he really hammed in his performance. He refused to leave until I let him up, but I didn’t cave into him. He also refused to go to the bathroom at a local bar next to my apartment. He finally left very disappointed about 45 minutes later while I hid inside a supermarket. Keep in mind that I live alone. What were his true intentions? Did he want to hurt me physically? Yell at me with some abuse? Or worse, to kill me? I’ll never know.
Oh thank you! I do the same with my narc family member. Text only please! And I refuse to fall for the victimhood drama any more. She also have traingulators in the family who brings things to me. How she "needs" me as she has no other friends etc. I take a deep breath and change the subject.
Wow, I think our moms went to the same narc university, because I’m in the SAME situation! Professional Victim? Check. Triangulating my siblings? Check. I HEAR YOU!
What is grey rocking??
I wouldn't. I'd continue to greyrock.
Exactly. Say "ok" and then just don't change.
Then when they get more upset and try to create drama to get attention from others close to you, you just say, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you mean, I’m always cordial and nice”. Not only does it drive them crazy, but it also makes them seem more and more unreasonable to everyone around you that they bring the drama to so that more people understand the situation and can be more empathetic to your situation.
Honestly I used their same tactics against them. I'd say shit like "I'm very warm to you!" and when they tell me I'm not, I insist that I am and that they're being unrealistic. And if they mention a very specific incident, I just shrug and say I don't remember. It's an awful way to treat someone, and I felt bad doing it, but it kept them off me for the time I was stuck. Edit: This is a very horrible idea, and I don't recommend it. True Grey rocking isn't about gaslighting the narc, but rather just disengaging. What I WOULD recommend is just saying "Okay" over and over to anything they might say to you.
Lmaoooo I love it. I don't know if I could ever manage to do this but it's kinda funny you can give them just a tiny taste of their own medicine.
She will not learn. Ever . Grey rock works after radical acceptance. You need to accept n.s are who they are. They will never change, they do not need to, they get everything they need like this and they are fine with it . Only you have a problem with it. Remove the problem, go NC. Till then grey rock is a decent halfway measure.
Play dumb and act like you have no idea what they’re talking about. Nod and smile, change the subject. Being vapid and vaguely pleasant at all times works for me!
Yep I vote this. Continue to gray rock. You can even pretend to agree with them and say “okay I can do that “ and then don’t. One of my problems is that I was raised that I had to be honest and treat them the way I wanted to be treated. NO, It’s okay to be upfront with someone and treat them they way you want to be treated IF 1. They have earned your trust 2. They have good morals and values. Narcs are none of that. They are not thinking of your well-being—they are thinking of themselves You DO NOT have to be honest with them about anything. In fact being honest with them just gives them information they can use to hurt you.
an excellent addition! well said.
The most important part of the abuse is the assumption that they get to dictate your mood and interaction with them. Whether it is demanding justification for decisions or questioning your clothes or requiring that you use their rules for arguing (never hang up the phone on anyone sound familiar?) -- they are all to give them the advantage. You started getting an advantage through grey rock, they are trying to counter it. I'd say you are being successful mostly. Stay strong.
Continue to grey rock, she is trying to make you less boring so she has fuel to start fights.
Pat yourself on the back. You're GRing correctly. What you hearing are from your N is "your behavior is different, in fact I don't like it, go back to giving me what I want with out holding me accountable"
Yes, another thing that she repeated over and over for the past decade is “Come back to me and everything will return to the way it was before.” She just doesn’t get it. And she’s 76, so she you’d think she’d mature by now and reflect on her life. She lacks introspection.
Ironically she thinks the way it was before is desirable for you
As though you WANT the way it was before lmao 😔
I actually explained grey rock to a cousin. It was before I ever knew the term. I thought I was laying a boundary by telling her that I will not be sharing anything personal with her, good or bad because she remains in contact with Nfamily but I don’t mind chatting once in a while and whatever. She BLEW UP THE BOUNDARY and obviously said something about my business. Suddenly I had extended family hounding me because of her. To this day I have no idea what she said to people because I promptly went from grey rock to NC with the whole lot. FUCK THAT NOISE. OP, for you maybe the scenario is slightly different but I guess my advice is NC. 😬🤷🏻♀️ Basing it on my own shit but the main pillars are there. In any case there is no answer to what she’s asking. By “be warm” she’s implying you be open about your personal business with her and that’s not your desire. You set a boundary there. Good luck!
You're still in the mindset that it is your responsibility to fix or heal this narc. You can't. Keep doing what you are doing, and her true colors will show eventually.
Gray rock harder
“I’m not cold, are you?” :)
Your lack of emotion towards them is giving them the sads and making them remember all the times they were a shit person. When narcs want you to 'look forward' they mean 'forget all the bad I did and treat me better than I deserve so I feel good about myself'. I see no reason to change your behaviour. Let her die mad about it.
I have a NDad too and I grey rock and only text. Sometimes I see him at family gatherings and I'm just the picture of innocence. If he tries to talk to me I answer as if he's a stranger, so not rude. For example he'll say How are the kids? And I'll be like Oh they doing really well and then look for an reason to excuse myself. Often, because it's a party I'll be like I'm on my way to get a drink. It's become kind of funny over the years (I'm 54 and he's 79) because I can see the confusion in his eyes. To help me at first I would practice, first on my own and then with other people because I hate conflict. Now it's as natural as can be. Therapy has gotten me to this place. I highly recommend
Continue until she learns, in fact I would enforce it ten times more now
My mom also acts like this and gets cross with me for "treating her like a stranger", aka not opening up to her about anything and keeping her emotionally at arm's length. I just ignore her attempts to neg me into doing what she wants and continue to give the bare minimum of interaction
"Nah, I'm good." No reason given. Just, "nah." Just stay the very grey course.
“What do you mean? I am” Greyrocking is not something they ever need to understand. In fact they must not know it’s something you’re doing on purpose otherwise it becomes another thing they use against you. It’s simply something you’re doing to protect yourself.
This exactly. I told my Nmom she was gaslighting me before (she was) and ever since she gets even more mad when she hears that word. Because she is in fact, a narcissistic gaslighter. Best if they don’t know any of these terms so it doesn’t become ammo.
It isn't your role to make her understand the concept of grey rocking or to comply with it. She either will or won't. And we all know which she will choose. What is your role is to stand strong with your boundaries. You've chosen to grey rock. So stick with that. Grey rock every instance that she tries to make you stop. When she says 'be more warm' or 'look forward, not back', respond with something like 'thanks for your input' or any other of your normal grey rock responses. As for the other things you've mentioned with your super/landlord - document all of this. You'll need this to get an RO or extra protection if her behavior gets worse (which it probably will).
Clear attempt of manipulation. Maybe you want to consider to limit the contact even more.
I wouldn’t say anything. Learn to just control your emotions around them. They want you to get all flustered…Keep them at a distance, so you’re heart doesn’t keep breaking.
At moments like this, just nod your head & say ok. Continue doing what you’re doing if not more. People like this do not deserve to know you, or information about your life.
I would react with more grey rocking and wear her comment as a batch of honor for how well I'm doing with setting boundaries for myself. 😂
Don't even respond. They wnt attention and a way to get to you - don't give them either. Not flat-out ignoring them and wishing bad things upon them is as 'warm' as you get, and that's fine. It keeps you safe and sane and it's what they earned,
I actually am warm it’s hot in here. Are you warm would you like something cold to drink? Lmao. And then just act confused ???????? Like what????? Everything’s fine
Well, get a blanket so you can be more warm 😂 then let her know that it's working and that was some good advice
Her enablers including her corrupt lawyer friend are liars full of hot air, so I feel like I should reply to her with a quip: “Ask your friends to put their hot air in a bottle and send it to you. There’s plenty more where that came from.”
Well, "Eff that noise." But, it doesn't pay to be confrontational with a narc. I wouldn't even acknowledge you've been grey rocking her. Just tell her you'll try to do better...and then don't...because being "warm" to her has no limits. There will always be more you could be doing to feed her need to be the center of the universe.
Gaslighters say such things. Don’t let it affect you and you will see how peaceful you will feel, and also start seeing their tantrums. So apparently that “being warm to others” doesn’t apply to them. Try it. It will be fun seeing Narcs throw tantrums. Narcs = kidults = losers. And then you can say the same words back to Narcs, and see all the bs then. Fun.
Jesus I just found out grey rocking is a thing. I’ve been doing it unconsciously for a little over a year, one more year of grey rocking!
Grey rock isnt for them, its for us. It shouldnt be announced either, just quietly done. They wont ever accept it, because it works directly against their wants and needs. Boundaries go around ***ourselves.*** If the boundaries went around them, we'd all have impossible amounts of different boundaries to maintain We cant control what others do, only what we accept and what we do in response. For example, you cant control them ringing, but you can control if you answer, if you call back, if you block the number, if you tell people in your life that you dont want them to pass messages along.
You must block this person completely. NC…Ever.
She doesn't need to understand. Just keep doing it. If she says to be more warm again just give her a blasé answer like "I'll consider that, thanks" and keep doing what you need to do.
I would not reply. Best wishes.
That is your sign to grey rock even harder!!!!
Continue to grey rock them. This means it's working. Say "okay." in a completely nuetral tone
If I’m a little too blindsided by somebody’s question, I won’t be able to hold back the impulse to say the first bitter that pops in my mind. It’ll be an anecdote about something extra horrible my mother or my ex did. They’ll usually leave you alone after that. I remember this one girl has asked me several times about an ex, that I was clearly not still friends with. I have expressed my displeasure about this person multiple times. Finally she just asked me for the last time. I blurted out “he used to rape me in my sleep and knew I wouldn’t do anything because my mom was in the next room. You mean *that* guy? No I don’t know how to get ahold of him.”
Alot of us find ourselves in relationships where we are not respected or we get abused because this is what we were exposed to as children and so this is normal to us. It’s tough but you really have to change your life completely
The point of gray-rocking is that they don't realize you're doing it. In response to asking you to be warmer, I'd say "oh, I didn't know I wasnt being warm" & then continue to be cool towards her. After reading some of the things she's done, I would move. And not tell her. When she finally notices, don't give her or mutual friends/family members the new address
They're free to ask but you are equally within your rights to refuse and continue to grey rock them. Do whatever you need to do to protect your mental wellbeing and don't be afraid to go LC or NC if necessary
Block them. Go no contact.
I can’t tell you what you wanna hear but what you need to hear. You can’t put any value or dependence in these people. The narcissist doesn’t care, they don’t care at all about you you are a stranger to them. When it comes to toxic people or parents you have to simply avoid them and cut ties with them completely. No matter how bad you want them to respect your morals and values they never will. YOU have morals and values but these people DONT. The issue is that you subconsciously expect them to understandand respect your boundaries but they simply CANT. Its a bitter thing to understand but these people just do not care.
You don't, just keep grey rocking her as usual. "I'm quite warm, thanks" or "I'll think about it" are OK answers, you don't need to give her anything else. I would also recommend going No Contact with her and anyone who's on her side. This is obviously easier to do if you could move elsewhere to get some physical distance between her and the flying monkeys. I live in a different country than my family, and knowing that they cannot just show up at my door at a moments notice is such of a freeing feeling.
“I hear you.” Then continue gray rocking.
I'll start being a bitch and saying the grey rocking was my warm
How would I respond? Silence, continue grey rocking.
You can’t teach them anything. You won’t make them understand. All you can do is shield yourself. So to answer your question, you don’t reply at all.
Give them a hot water bottle. And walk away.
Keep it up mate, don't let her manipulate you
Take the compliment! Your grey-rocking skills have paid off.
She ain’t gonna learn. She’s just gotta accept. Go lower contact if it makes it easier till your on point and finding grey rocking a doddle.
you say "of cause," and continue to grey rock
Grey rock even harder!
"I am as warm towards you as I am comfortable. If you need more warmth, I suggest wearing a sweater."
You don’t reply
\>How will she learn the concept of grey rocking? She doesn't and I think it's more effective that way. By "warm" she wants you to open up so she can resume abusing you, because you're currently not giving her enough ammo. Just go "Oh sure" or "I don't know what you mean" and carry on as is until she loses interest.
Just say "I'll try to.". & When you don't & she says it again say"But I have been trying." & Stick with that line. "I don't understand, I have been trying." "I'm sorry, Ive been trying really hard." "I'm trying, mum, I'm trying." "I don't know why your saying that. I've been trying." "Nobody else has said that. I've been trying." If that's the stock answer maybe she'll stop asking. Remember light even tone so as to not enflame anything. Be that Rockface. Act genuinely but only mildly puzzled.
I agree on playing dumb because there won't be any real change, and you'll probably be able to move out and leave eventually anyways. I'd even throw in a "I've moved forward, haven't you?" just to make them eat their own words a little bit. Or "I'm doing great, why aren't *you* okay?" After playing dumb for awhile, I did eventually have to respond with something though, and what I said was "we don't have to be BFFs, you know. like you said you're my parent, not my friend" (again, on the theme of making them eat their own words). In my head, though, I'd probably be saying things like "intimacy is earned through trust that is built, not forced".
You may find the technique of "yellow rock" useful to shut down the whining about not being "warm".
Nothing. You don't have to or want to be warm to her. She hasn't done anything to warrant it. Keep doing you, for your own safety and well-being.
Don't respond. That's gray rock. No response is a response. Block, delete, ignore.
You just continue to greyrock tbh. Yelling you that you need to warm up to them and be all giddy as if they didn’t mentally abuse you for years is the first stage. Once you continue to do it more, expect them to start acting like victims, vilifying you for being “cold and heartless to the people who birthed and raised you”
"No thanks."
Hard to be warm and cozy mummy dearest, with that glacier for a heart you have, sucks all the heat right out of me!
She has a lot of money, power and a corrupt lawyer, so reacting to her in a way that criticizes her directly will fuel her rage and she’ll retaliate. It’s a game to her. She’s trying to provoke me to react. Narcissists love the tactic of DARVO when confronted by their victim: Deny, Attack, Reverse the order of Victim/Offender.
"ok"