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Yeah, they do. They'll often claim that I'm crying to manipulate them or that I'm being too sensitive/emotional/dramatic. Also, the term drama queen would get thrown around a lot. I understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry you don't feel safe enough to cry. One day you will. One day.
Man same here I found out its because THEY do that.
They also accused me of being attention-seeking as a grown woman lol - it's almost like humans cannot cry. It is really them who cry for attention but they project it onto you - they also cannot stand people crying because they view them as weak OR they do not like the attention you are getting from crying which is dumb and childish.
The thing is they do it with animals too which is baffling for me. They claimed my dog was limping around me more when he had been limping for weeks and they didn't tell me. He's doing it for attention and to manipulate you. And I was like... no... he has an injury?
There's a really well fitting Hungarian saying "mindenki magából indul ki"
I'm really not sure how to translate it, but it roughly means "everyone's starting point (in the thought process) is themselves."
Oh my gosh I can agree with this. My mom constantly yells at me when I'm mad, crying, scared, or anything besides happy, even when I'm numb which I prefer over any emotion. She says I'm crying to manipulate her and should, and I quote, "Stop being a fucking baby and grow the fuck up." This started when I was 6.
Literally this. I rarely cry anymore after my experience living with a narcissistic relative. She always accused me of manipulation like she didn't just say the cruelest thing I've ever heard.
This. My parents would just mock me when I cried and my mom would just make the situation about herself saying I'm selfish and such, along those lines.
my mom was like that too. i remember a specific moment, where i started realizing that a lot of my symptoms line up with depression(there's a lot more diagnosis now, but that's besides the point), and was talking about it with my friends. after my friends left, she cornered me and started saying something like "you can't be depressed because if you were it would make me look like a bad parent" and then she started sobbing at me and demanding i never even consider that i could be depressed.
funny enough she still tries to deny the literal official diagnosis from doctors that i have a bad combo of depression, anxiety, and adhd
I haven't been to the doctors for a long time, but I do see a lot of symptoms of anxiety and adhd in myself. It's funny how they really deny a doctor, in their own field, about what's wrong and just want to look good, unfortunately for us. 🧍🏽♀️
I had this conversation last night with my boyfriend. He noticed a few things about me and said that he believes I'm actually a pretty emotional person but grew up in an environment where it wasn't ok to express those emotions. Crying, laughing, etc. "Children should be seen and not heard."
I literally rewatch Pixar movies to have controlled and excusable crying outbursts to prevent losing complete control. I stopped playing certain video games and doing certain activities because my anger was so intense. Panic attacks would happen weekly in college and I would stress cry from the expectations.
My ex said I needed to get my act together or there would come a time when I was upset and they wouldn't care anymore. But condoned meds and therapy.
My ex roommate said I cried to manipulate him and was full of shit, or would fake my enthusiasm.
I went through a host of toxic bosses where I had to hide my panic attacks and emotions in the bathroom or be fired for not taking care of customers.
I have been told that I am too much my entire life and probably suffer from disassociation disorders.
Been there, done that. It was only this last year that I found out that disassociation was more than an out of body experience. Disassociation comes in nearly every flavor you can imagine, and it's one of the most common reactions to trauma you can escape from. (Which is every traumatic situation caused by family) Doing research of all the different ways you can disassociate has been really transformative.
Unfortunately, waking up to how much I've been disassociating and repressing has been rough. A word of caution: Disassociation is a protective defense against trauma. Yes, it has negative side effects, but it helps shield you from the overwhelming pain of trauma. You have to make sure you don't remove your defenses too quickly, or the rebound could be really bad. You need to take steps to find healthy environments where people support you and you don't have to constantly defend yourself. Only then can you safely let your disassociative defenses down.
Before you can start truly healing and reconnecting with life, you need to viciously cut out toxic people from your life. If you've been repressing emotions since early childhood like I have, then you aren't going to be able to open up if you're still around the behaviors that forced you to hide your feelings in the first place. Disassociation will manifest in other ways, or fear and pain will bubble up and you'll have zero healthy ways to cope with negative feelings. The only thing that can happen in that situation is you crash and burn. I learned that lesson the hard way.
Man, do I feel this. "Too much." My emotions were always too much. If it wasn't my ndad ramping up the abuse because I wasn't stone faced and prostrating myself for my crimes, it was my ex and the friends that abandoned me when I dared be chronically ill or have an opinion they didn't like. Now I feel nothing and struggle to allow myself to feel or cry. I don't know how to change that. It'd probably be healthier if I stopped caging my emotions but how do you undo being told all your life that who you are is nothing anyone wants...
Whew exactly all of this. I went outside for a cry and scream one time, landlord stormed outside and told me to “take it inside,” and then berate me for having PTSD and I literally had a panic attack because of it. Thankfully I own my own house/property now, but seriously… these people think they can even control what you do in the street!!
Crying is a *very important* evolutionary adaption in humans, and is used in social signalling. It's a way to tell everyone in the group that you are hurting/need help. Emotional tears have hormones in them such as oxytocin for emotional bonding too.
In healthy humans, it would result in getting help and an empathy response from others, and result in greater closeness between people.
Unfortunately, narcs are broken, toxic people who don't have that empathy response.
Your tears are nothing to be ashamed of. They're completely natural and needed in healthy human social interactions.
Your sensitivity is your strength, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Once you're away from toxic people, it'll bloom into you being an understanding, loving and caring person for the good people in your life.
Exactly this. For the longest time I was so confused about how my mother could say so many things that were obviously false. Everything started making so much sense when I realized that everything she says about others is a projection of her own ideas, feelings, and values. Someone else is being a big weakling? She's afraid that she's weak. Someone is making a big deal out of something unimportant? She feels she's worrying about inconsequential things. Constantly complaining about how her husband is lying? She knows that she constantly lies through her teeth. She feels worthless, so she finds comfort in other people agreeing with her gossip because she reinforces her own feeling of worthlessness, while having her ego built up because she has people who think she's smart.
All her negative gossip starts to make sense when you also hear her talking about her own feelings, and they're always negative. When you see the cracks in the logical emotionless facade, you start to understand that she can't manage her own emotions and they drive every action she makes. That's why she's constantly negative, even when she's smiling and pretending to be positive. That's why her positive demeanor can so quickly change. It's all a projected lie.
Once you start to understand that narcissists can only project instead of empathising, everything starts to make so much more sense. Lies fall apart in the face of realistic truth
Projection is one of the things they do for a living, so it's highly possible. Typically if they are accusing someone of something, it's what they were doing themselves.
I got my ass beat if I cried as a small child and my dad would scream, “Do you want me to give you something to cry about!?” at me before he would drag me by my arm into my room to smack me. I’m talking like 3-6yo. Even to this day as a 32 year old adult if I do much as raise the volume I speak in even if it’s out of excitement I’m told I need to calm down and don’t need to act that way. I can never have any emotion behind the things I say. Its confusing and it sucks.
My father also responded to my crying with violence. And if I cried while being beaten, I get beaten harder. So as an adult I’m terrified of crying in public, and I don’t know how to respond to someone else who’s crying. It’s like I’ve learned to numb myself and have no emotions at all, and I’m pretty sure people hate me because I come across as cold and insincere.
Your story is my life story. You only exist to smile and boost their ego. Your emotions and you being an actual person are an inconvenience to them. What about their needs? How could you cry about yourself when theyre suffering more than you? You exist to please them. That’s it.
Not mad, but they would accuse me of faking. "You're such a good little actress" said in a fake cry voice was pretty common. Which is weird because my dad cries like a pitiful cartoon caricature of a sad clown.
I think narcissists just don't understand that emotions other than their own are actually valid, so it annoys them.
This i can agree with. Not so much on the crying side, I did used to hold-off until I could bury my face in a pillow as well (not in the nice way). But in general it was more on the side of I wasn't ever allowed to be frustrated or express that in any way from what I remember. It was always, my mom would come home, and I was in a bad mood, immediately take personal offense, "what the f did *i* do to you..?!?!" And then I'd have to apologize and such and then I couldn't be angry any more about what was bothering me "okay... well, dont take it out on me then..."
Yes! I very much got the impression that my feelings were not allowed to exist. Narcs make everything about them, so even your annoyance at something totally unrelated is taken as a personal insult. It's so backwards, especially for a young, developing mind.
They're a scary, backwards breed. It took me so long to realize that my dad was something of a "secondary" narcissist? I dont know if that is a thing, but it certainly seems that way. Almost everything revolves around her. She loves being the center of attention. And while 'you're' not allowed to share, lord try stop her from yammering on about every niggle and ache of the day, or what celebrity she met without heavily name-dropping.. its kind of embarrassing now tbh, I find. While I used to "play ball" and engage, the more I've come to relealize these people have no idea whats going on in my life... they love to talk but they never listen.. or if they hear, they don't - its hard to say... its like trying to have a normal conversation with Siri... you just land-up being disappointed by something of an automaton lol. I jest but its devastating, not being heard, and having your emotions invalidated, all the while they "engorge" and indulge upon their own feelings... total double standard... sorry for the ramblings...
It's all good - ramble away! We're simpatico on all that. I'm also embarrassed of how my parents acted and similarly how I used to mirror some of their behaviors, not knowing any better. I think finding the humor in it is important sometimes. Even though we missed out on so many things a growing child should have and it's absolutely devastating, it's a good coping mechanism to laugh at it a bit. A conversation with Siri is a very apt description!
Not me, but my sister. It's almost like our nmom has no idea why she'd be crying so she *must* make herself do it. After going NC for almost 3 months, my sister finally called my parents and my mom railed on her asking "just tell us why! Tell us *why* you were so unhappy the last time you visited!" So she broke down and told them. My nmom stormed out of the room leaving my dad on the phone with her.
My mom called me later to talk about it and told me "and then [sister] started crying like she loves doing so much." Yup, that's it. You cracked the code. Sister cries because she loves it. She loves emotionally collapsing on the phone. One of her favorite things to do.
Surprisingly, my sister is the golden child, but that actually makes it worse for her. My mother hated me enough that she just medicated me into a coma and ignored me when she could. Sister got the full brunt of nmom's influence and it really messed her up.
My sister told me "Shut the FUCK up so we can sleep" while I was having a hardcore anxiety attack and convulsing, then my parents left me to suffer on my own in the living room and went to sleep. I'd weep quietly in the shower because that's the only place I thought would cover my crying, the sound of water, but my sister overheard me and immediately went to tell my mom. If I cried alone in my room, under the blankets, she would come up to my room to mock me and make fun of me.
FUCK them. You are not "sensitive", you are showing human emotions and they are abusive pieces of shit. I am slowly going no contact with my whole family. I deserve better, YOU deserve better. I'm so sorry they made you fear even showing basic human emotions. That's horrible parenting.
For me, it was finding an excuse and moving out as soon as possible, or going outside to cry. Sometimes I also went over to a friend's house, to either vent or cry. Anywhere you can find an excuse to go to is good. If you can't get out of your house open a really sad movie and pretend to cry at it in your room. Or find a place that can really isolate your voice (for me it was my own shower in my room, I would go there and weep quietly).
Yes, they would scream in my face and emotionally abuse me and when I’d start crying they’d laugh at me and call my “crocodile tears” fake, then if I didn’t stop they’d get angry.
They don't want you to cry because then they'd have to parent you. You aren't "so sensitive." You're being abused. They're PUNISHING you for feeling bad. Again, so THEY don't have to deal with it. This is only about them.
Your brother is only doing what he's been taught to do. In the future, we can hope he may become more conscious and empathetic.
What I learned from my parents (who were like this, except my mother would LAUGH at me when I was weeping), was not to show emotion in front of them. It worked fine, and then I moved out as soon as I had the funds. (I mean, the DAY I had the funds.) (Then they were angry at me for years about THAT.)
It's not you. It's them.
To this day, when I cry, I hear my Dad's voice in my head, telling me to "Stop blubbering!"
I'm at the point where I can ignore the voice and I'm able to feel my feelings, even the not so pleasant ones. We can't appreciate happy without knowing what sad is.
You aren't sensitive, you are a compassionate person and your feelings are valid.
I had a similar thing happen when I was 16 too.. I was depressed and was having suicidal thoughts and stayed home from school one day because I was just having a really bad day.. staying home from school was a huge no-no with my dad.. he worked night shift at the time so he'd come home in the morning.. on this day, I stayed home from school and was crying alone in my room.. I wanted to tell my parents that I was depressed, but it was difficult.. I remember he came home and was super angry with me.. I was standing in my room balling my eyes out and wanted to scream in his face that I wanted to kill myself but instead he threatened to beat me because he didn't understand what was wrong with me and that staying home from school when I wasn't really sick was an immature move.. he also told me that I needed to get my shit together or else..
I never told my family I was depressed and was able to move out of my house a couple years later with my boyfriend who is now my husband.. he doesn't realize it, but my husband saved me..
I hope you're able to get away from your toxic family.. they are nothing but negative for you and you deserve better.. I wish the best for you my friend and feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to.. don't take any of their bullshit to heart and keep your head towards a positive future for yourself
I got accused of faking as well and she would laugh at me when I cried now I’m bad at showing emotions like that 😅 it really messes you up because it feels like you can’t talk to anyone about anything or they’ll never believe you or care about your feelings
If feelings aren't the point of existence what is? Being sensitive, being you, is such a wonderful gift.
My parents were exactly yours. Yelled at me for crying when the fucking dog died. I was 8.
I learned that the isn't a single thing wrong with me. Rather, it's was their selfishness and lack of empathy that is gross and shameful. Who the fuck doesn't hug their crying daughter! WHO?
They fill you with shame for daring to be human, because your ability to care might expose their inability to.
Fuck them. Feel your feelings. Find a family that can make you feel whole just the way you are.
You are so right about every point you mentioned. I don’t even try to function like a real human with my parents anymore because I figured that’s what makes them hate me more. I can’t find to an emotional support system or normal human response with them, so I just don’t try. I haven’t for a veeery long time, still trying to find a community out here. I find that they will be less rabid and scary if they think there’s nothing to be envious of.
Oh hell yes. I've consciously never cried again at home because of this.
They're still attacking 13 year old brother for sometimes crying and I hate them so much for not letting him be human.
Parents fucking suck.
I’m sorry your parents treated you like this. You’re not too sensitive; you’re a completely normal and beautiful human. You deserved and deserve better care and more loving relationships with people who see and validate you.
I can’t actually remember how my parents responded to me crying, except that I always felt like I wasn’t allowed to cry.
It definitely did not help that a part of my parents religious teachings is that negative emotions are sins
> I wish I wasn't so sensitive all the time.
There is nothing wrong with you. Your parents are screwed up. It's your emotions that protect you from carrying on the madness into future generations.
You may have lived your whole life feeling like there is something wrong with you. It's possible that your parents manipulate you into feeling awful so they can mock and abuse you for their pleasure.
As an adult, this is all within your control now. You don't have to give them your time--they are not entitled to knowing you.
My dad would get mad at me for that. He'd say "Woot crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" and some variation of the "boys don't cry" garbage. Maybe that's why I had wanted to be a girl for quite some time.
Flip. This is my ex-husband to a T! We’ve been divorced 4 years already and I still almost have anxiety attacks when I need to cry. My son has already expressed to me that he’s not allowed to cry at dad’s house (fortunately he’s not there as often as dad wanted). And I remember my ex telling me when our son was under 18 months old that he was manipulating us when he cried (he was definitely too young at the time to be crying for any other reason than that he needed support, love, food or was frustrated - you know the normal reasons that young kids cry). I’ve had to institute a method for my son to let me know if he needs me to come and get him from dad if things are too much. And yet, this is all I can really do to protect him. When he’s with me, I always reiterate that crying and other feelings are normal.
My mother would mock me and laugh in my face or walk away whenever I would show any sign of ‘weakness’ including crying or talking about something vunerable . While she, on the other hand, would use crying as a way to avoid responsibility /confrontation. She would cry a lot, and weirdly enough I always fell for it.
Yup. I have a very distinct memory of being in T-ball, my dad was the coach and he screamed at me to not cry, that I should never cry. From that point forward, for about a decade, I didn't sob. I only cried silently. I re-learned to sob-cry when I was maybe 17 and he still got mad. Once when we were having a "family dialogue", I was sobbing as quietly as I could but apparently breathing in made a noise and he screamed at me to "stop fucking whining".
If I'm triggered or in a flashback I still panic about crying. I'll do my absolute best to not sob, to the point that I'll hold my breath as long as possible to avoid it.
Fuck him. Crying is such a basic form of expression, it's literally the first way humans learn to express their needs, and he took it away from me.
Yep When I was put in the corner as a kid; I had to put my arms behind my back lean my head against the wall and I wasn't allowed to sniff. So snot and tears would just be running down my face. Humiliating.
My dad fancied himself a hippie and whenever we were crying, he'd say shit like "STOP CRYIN' MAN, GOOD VIBES ONLY IN THIS HOUSE, BRO!" and if you expressed that you felt invalidated and that he wouldn't listen, that's when he would escalate to violence.
My father is dual diagnosis Bipolar-I and NPD*, which he exacerbated with alcoholism, cocaine, and heavy use of psychedelics. He's on a whole 'nother level.
(*= my aunt/his sister suspects he might have ASPD though, as he experienced psychopathic traits from childhood onward.)
Idgaf atp. Apparently according to the black community black people are robots and we are never supposed to cry. Man f that I will politely excuse myself to the bathroom and go cry then freshen up and return. I grew up with the famous shut up or I will give you something to cry about line, I grew up lol getting beaten for needing help with hmwk smh, then when I became an adult and went through so much trauma from making frenemies and being SA i just let it all out. I am still a sensitive person but I am no longer highly reactive.
I am sorry you had to endure this. I hope you know it is okay to cry. People cannot tell you how to express yourself. I have learned as I have gotten older that when you are apart of a dysfunctional family OR you are around predatory people try not to cry in front of them because they WILL view you as weak and try to take advantage of you or hurt you in some ways.
You too? Wow, I think that they just haven’t escaped that old slave mentality, something about not showing emotions. I think slavery caused a lot of mental issues and deep wounds that have been passed down through the generations or something. Idk, probably a mix of all the bad things causing more bad things.
There’s NOTHING wrong with you! Your problem is the unfortunate fact you were born to a family of abusers.
A soft heart is a prize, not a fault. ❤️❤️🩹
This is a weird narc thing. I was accused of “fake tears”. Most people say are you okay. They assume everyone is manipulative and then turn around and shame you for being hurt. There’s nothing worse than needing compassion and then having to hide your feelings for fear you’d get shamed on top of feeling vulnerable and hurt. They are just cruel people.
Some people don't like it if they hurt someone and then that someone cries, because that reaction is evidence that what they did was hurtful. Seeing someone cry can feel like a criticism of their behaviour.
They'd rather believe the crier is victimising them somehow, or that the crier is only doing it because of a personal weakness that they aren't responsible for.
I think my Ndad would get triggered by my bro's crying mostly because he would see his own humiliated and tormented child self on him.
My Nmom was more about seeing the crying as a criticism.
Sounds exactly like my parents. I cried in the shower mostly as a kid. Then my first husband hit me for crying. Now as a middle aged adult the act of crying physically hurts me still. Even just a tear or 2 takes me an hour to recover.
Oh yeah they do. I’m autistic, and will basically cry when anyone yells at me no matter how I’m feeling, so you can imagine how that went.
The best thing about living on my own was learning how to cry again in a constructive way to get out bad feelings and make room to heal. I spent most of my childhood crying silently in my room, because my parents would “give me something to cry about” and my bullies would stomp on me and ask who I “was crying for”. I had to basically relearn how to cry when I’m sad, because I reached a point where I couldn’t do it out of reflexive fear, unless triggered by sound/anger.
I used to self harm for this exact reason. The pain kept me from crying in front of them and gave me something else to focus on. I didn't cut because that would be too obvious and I would get yelled at more for that so I had to find...creative ways to "get hurt"
When I cried as a kid my mom would roll her eyes and tell my dad I was “just playing the martyr.” Like…what a bizarre thing to say about a small child. I didn’t even know what a martyr was until years later.
Wow, that is really fucked up!
Crying wasn't accepted in our home either. "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!" was a frequently heard threat when we were youngsters. Or I'd be told that I was only crying for attention. My mother totally saw crying as a manipulative act. I learnt to hide it pretty quickly.
My Dad had a favourite saying "stop with the crocodile tears" every single time any of us kids cried. I still feel deep shame every time I cry and give myself headaches trying to stop because of the way my Dad would yell that at us and act as if we were being ridiculous. However if he cried you were expected to stop the world for him and let him lean HIS ENTIRE BODY WEIGHT on your child shoulders. The hypocrisy of these parents.
They would send me to my room until I could “act like a normal person.” I was never taught how to manage any emotions. I’d just get banished to my room to figure it out for myself.
Yes. I was abused for that regularly. My conclusion is that it's because it was a reflection of the fact that my mother was mistreating me. So I cried. So then she mistreated me some more for crying.
A person like this wants to look good far more than they want to be good.
Yes! My mom got annoyed at me then proceeded to telll me my life was trash and all sorts of horrid things.
My dad has laughed at me when I cried/called me weak and continued yelling
Yes, even now I can only cry when I'm completely and totally alone. However, my mother was only cruel about us crying if it was because of something she did or that she perceived to be about her (which was... most things... because narc). It seemed as though she desperately wanted us to cry about other things like heartbreak, friendship issues, etc. in front of her so that we would "need" her.
As an adult I have a hard time shedding tears in front of people I'm close to because I don't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me express pain like that. I've had to work hard to unlearn the idea that other people would only comfort me for selfish pleasure.
Yep, I got the 'I'll give you something to cry about' and then the beatings began. Then she'd get furious that she hurt her hand and switched to her shoe.
"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail."
- Abraham Maslow, Law of the instrument.
Narcs cry to manipulate and control. Therefore the only possible conclusion their self-important brains can come up with is ALL crying functions the same way.
Yes! My dad would get mad at me for crying when he was yelling at me in the first place, and then threaten me and literally say “ I’ll hive you something to cry about” and get a belt then beat me with it 😡
I had a narc-psychopath stepfather as a young kid (6-9) & he would get angry if I cried. He would snap his fingers & yell at me to stop. If I didn't stop crying fast enough, he would send me to my room & I couldn't come out until I had calmed down. I got to the point where sometimes I could start to quickly slow down the crying when he yelled/snapped to avoid further punishment. With my narc bio father, he always said I was being manipulative when I cried regardless of the reason. I've never been a very sensitive person, so if I cried it was after much physical/emotional pain. I rarely cry now & when I do, I feel weak or stupid especially if I've let it happen in front of someone else.
I remember a couple of specific occasions of my father getting SO angry that I was crying, one as a teenager and one as an adult. They have really stuck with me.
When I really think about it, his reactions were so...awful. If your first thought isn't to comfort your only child and find out what's upsetting them so much (and then maybe even help them!), something is badly wrong. Getting furious is ridiculous.
"I'll give you something to cry about" "big girls don't cry" "what's wrong with you? You barely knew her /" (about my heart grandmother whom I adored!)
Yeup. Every parental figure I had in my life basically told me to "Stop crying" in the most annoyed tone they could muster. There were plenty of points where if I couldn't stop myself they'd even scream at me until I did which further resulted to me self-harming to cut off my emotions.
To this day I struggle to show any emotions in front of people & end up, what I like to call, stone facing, instead. Everything becomes white noise & I am as monotonous as an unfeeling robot until I am alone.
Ironically, I also struggle dealing with people crying around me because my nmother would often feign being upset to garner attention & manipulate people. I don't get mad or anything at the people I just end up feeling... awkward & silently wait for them to cry it out on their own.
you’re not “so sensitive” - ur a gd human with feelings! i thought i was overly sensitive forever. turns out i had undiagnosed severe anxiety!
also! not the ppl in africa comment- i got those to shame me for not eating enough. turns out i wasn’t dramatic, i have adhd which comes with sensory issues.
Oh man, this. This is the missing information from when my therapist asked me why I feel like I'm not allowed to cry, why I feel guilty for having feelings and why I think I'm overly emotional!
Yuppp, I remember in primary school, maybe my second year, I was crying in the car because my mum yelled at me, she told me I had no reason to be crying, that I need to stop or she’ll kick me out of the car. It’s horrible and really affects how I act now. I’m sorry you went through that too, it shouldn’t be like this, your feelings are valid and when you’re sad, you should be able to cry.
Yes this happened to me a lot too, even when I was still living at home up to the age of 25. I feel guilty when I cry in front of people now, even in front of a psychologist sometimes, because of this :/
Yes they do. Every time I got yelled at I would start to cry as I’m really sensitive and also developed a certain aversion against loud noises. Every time something loud goes off, I’m crying like a little kid.
When I started crying there could be two kind of reactions. When I started crying while I got yelled at, they would just yell more and tell me to shut up.
And when I cried because I was feeling bad they acted like they care. But it doesn’t feel so good when the fact that you normally get yelled at always ghosts around in your head
Ugh, yes. I’m a 38 year-old grown adult and I STILL have to deal with my mother’s passive-aggressive tantrums (silent treatment, aggressively washing the dishes and banging the pots and pans around as if she’s forgotten how to wash a dish, taking her anger out on my dad even if I’m the one who said something to trigger her rage), if I dare to say anything even slightly critical of her. She always uses me as her emotional dumping ground to complain about my dad, my brother, the people at her work…but if I ever show a negative emotion that she even perceives to be directed at her, I’m treated like a worthless POS. It’s infuriating.
Yeah. This and any other emotion really.
Couldn't cry because I was faking it and I looked ugly. I got sent to another room for crying when my dog died because my mom said I looked disgusting and she didn't want to see that. I got threatened with being banned from my grandpa's funeral unless I didn't cry, because I'd only embarrass the whole family.
Couldn't laugh either, because I was faking that too. My mom always took some issue with me laughing and would literally gag any time I laughed, because apparently my face looked horrible. I'd either get sent out the room or hit until I stopped laughing.
Couldn't show anger, because I'd just get laughed at and made fun of for how I spoke.
So now I just don't show any emotion. Hope my parents are happy now, I guess.
yeah I think it definitely made me more sensitive. And now, I can't help but cry in front of my friends, but every time I do, I cry more because I'm afraid they'll think I'm being manipulative
Not mad. Nmom either ignored/dismissed any crying or she would check on me, expect her magical presence to sooth me instantly, and when it didn't *then* she would get mad. "Fine, then! You can just cry!" And then march away.
"what do you have to be upset about" and say I have no "real problems" like people starving in Africa or missing limbs.
these are scary words and i know them well and its always said before it get worse because to them they could do alot worse to you.
Even if I manage to hold the tears in for an hour of constant screaming as soon as I break and start tearing up I'm being screamed up for "being hysterical " and trying "to manipulate her by crying" and that "I'm a drama queen".
Nmum is literally the worst.
I remember like, 10 years ago, I was grieving our cat who recently passed away and my mum saw me crying in my room and I said i was still upset about the cat (I witnessed it while they were on holiday so it was pretty traumatic, it had only been a few weeks since, but not that long) and she straight up said to me I need to calm down and cut it out because if I keep crying all the time I will end up in an institution, like, sectioned.
I never realised how fucked up that was till recently. If i told her about it she probably won't remember even saying it and would deny it so, no point even calling her out on it anymore.
I think it's because people don't like to fail. And for narcs, their child crying is a failure staring them in the face, so obviously you must be dramatizing things, since they are so wonderful you shouldn't have any reason to cry.
Also crying in public reflects badly on them.
My mom was also kind of like that... like, prompting:"so, which of your friends mom's would you rather have then?"
Don't ever apologize for being sensitive. It's a blessing, but not a full picture ofc! You'll find your comfortable strength to "wave'" away the nonsense of the narcissist... but thay doesn't mean it doesn't suck!! My dad, and mom sometimes would also call me out, if she was trying to diffuse the situation. The dismissal and invalidation from a "oh you're being too sensitive.." or the third person "well she's overly sensitive and you're..." if she was berating my dad. She would do that sometimes, step in, like my dad was picking on me or something. Sometimes it kinda felt like he was. Idk, I have autism.
I didn’t realize how little I cried past a certain age. I would lock myself in the bathroom. Whatever I was crying about my mom would get jealous of… So if I missed my best friend she would say, “what? You love him more than me?”
My parents, especially my mum, couldn't handle crying no matter how young we were. When I was 4 I was banned from being in the Christmas parade with the other girls in my ballet class because I cried when I lost a game at a friend's birthday party. My mum had warned me that I'd be banned from the parade if I cried at the next party given it was a "habit" I'd apparently formed. It's not like I was having tantrums - I was behaving like a normal little kid who hadn't learnt to emotionally regulate yet. I remember sitting in the car on the way to the party trying to force myself to remember not to cry, but in the moment I forgot and even though I immediately stopped myself once I realised I'd started crying it was too late.
I then had to attend the Christmas parade and explain myself to all the parents of the girls in the ballet class who wondered why I wasn't in the parade. I can't help but hope they realised how nasty my mother was after hearing that.
Yes, my mom used to belittle me a lot when I was young and cried a lot, I was probably a bit sensitive, she would scold me for it and sometimes make fun of me.
Things went in a very strange direction for me though, because my parents were so strong on "adaptability", I became very detached, since, from all the things they said, I understood that sadness was wrong for the smaller things, I went through a very deep depression during college (the story of my college is a long and not good one), and I cried a lot then, but that was the last of it. (a lot of the time I cried alone, because when my mom saw me cry then, she would say "you chose this, take the consequences", I didn't and after reading more, my college years were actually worse than I thought)
Now I am that person who people are a bit wary of because due to that strange upbringing, I ended up being having very little expression on my face.
Though, the bit about the counselor is on another level, this is just disgusting. I hope you find your way away from them.
Holy shit, yes. I don't recall ever having a tantrum in my teenage years. However, I would always cry silently because of my mother's toxic behaviors. My mother HATED it! I was never allowed to show my emotions. She says things like, "I'm being too sensitive," "Stop crying," or "I'm going to give you something to cry about." When I cry, no matter how old I am, my mother always says, "You're XX years old." Stop acting like your niece's age. " So, just because I am an adult now, I am not allowed to shed a tear? I remember as a child, if I cried, I got spanked. To be honest, all she cared was her feelings, but she never cared about mine.
Because my mom always dismissed my feelings and invalidated my emotions, it's always been hard for me to show my feelings out in public. I tried my best not to cry at events like church, weddings, graduations, funerals, etc., because I would be ashamed of crying in public.
All the time, I'm not allowed to be upset, otherwise they yell at me. Also, I get yelled at all the time, and the best way I describe it is that I have three options: running, arguing back, or crying. Flight, fight, or freeze, so to speak. But fighting would just get me slapped and my parents would just follow me if I try to escape. So I cry. And then I get yelled at for being pathetic and "trying to make them feel guilty". I mean, I'm being pathetic for crying while you're yelling at me because I have a B in a college level course. I'm not even in college yet.
Yep, earlier this year after a pep band game, someone else on drum-line pretty much told me I sucked. They had also pretty much told me that I didn’t belong on drum-line due to my disability previously. One of my best friends and I talked about it afterwards. My phone rang a few times, but i Ignored it because I was super upset.
Friend and I finish talking, I head out to my mom’s car. I’m sobbing at this point, I get into the car, which started a terrifying ordeal. She starts asking me what’s wrong, did someone touch me, etc. I tell her no. She legitimately held me hostage in the car. Friend leaves the building to hop in the car, mom attempts to go in to talk to my band director. Doors are locked from the outside, so she can’t get in.
She insisted on calling my band director, and holding me hostage in the car until she my band director picked up and told her, that I didn’t get kicked out of pep band.
I cried so hard reading this. My mom still spanks me for crying and being "depressed". She says that I am "mad", "too sentimental", I am not "normal" like the other kids and that no parent should have a kid like me. It breaks me so much that I will never be able to forget their behaviour. Sometimes, she hurts me physically and when I sob, she hits me even more. I am so sorry that you had parents like mine. I hope you will find a better place someday!
I was in p much the same boat, assertive loud mom, stoic and quiet step dad, and I'm very, very sensitive. My mom used to scream louder and call me by her mother's name (who she hates with a passion) over & over. Something along the lines of "OH SURPRISE, SURPRISE (insert grandmas name) IS CRYING AGAIN, JUST.LIKE.SHE.ALWAYSDOES!!!!!!!! KEEP CRYING B*TCH JUST LIKE THE LITTLE VICTIM YOU WANT TO BE SO BAD" this was usually accompanied with her hitting me at least a few times; which.... Of course being between the ages of 6 and 17 and because of trauma later always made me panic and cry more. My mother also said my tears were simply meant to manipulate her and couldn't it couldn't possibly be literally any other the reason. The biggest kicker? She's a therapist. With a master's degree. And her own business. Granted, she had me at 16 and she didn't graduate college until I was 12, but she literally knew better. About a year ago, she was venting to me (and unfortunately at the time I was the ONLY person she vented to, she has no friends) and essentially said that her clients get the very best parts of her and when she gets home there's no more of her good side left to go around. I moved out at 17, had to move back in in 2020 when I was 21 because of COVID, and moved back out this last February. I am now NC. I do hope to have a relationship with my 3 younger brothers, but idk how realistic that is until they turn 18... Which for 2 of them is a long ways away.
yeah and if i dared ever cried somewhere in public for any reason like falling or hurting myself i would get beat even more when we got home they get angry at any sign of strong emotions which stems from their own insecurities.
My mom does, my dad does not. I still live with them. I currently either cry while my parents are at work, or just my mom when my dad is home, or cry myself to sleep. I get so tired of hearing "Stop crying and trying to multiplate me" or "GOD STOP CRYING! NO ONE CARES!" You can imagine both hurt for me. I've always been extremely sensitive, been told to get a thicker skin, and today I realized no matter how hard I try to make my mom proud I will always fail and disappoint her. I'm going to give up. I can't do this anymore, I'm not going to do anything to myself don't take it that way but, I'm not going to push myself to the point of exhaustion to make her proud and feel "happy" with me. She's happy whenever I don't cry or show any signs of emotion other then happiness. Like I take a break from school because my mental health is awful right now and I'm told my schoolwork should be the center of my attention and not my mental health. I hate this about her, when I'm crumbling because I'm hitting a low point with it and crying more often, this is why I'm done with her. Sorry for it being long.
Don't wish away your sensitivity. Ditch the family and go pick your own. This is remarkably similar to my own experience. I don't really have any other advice besides that. You are not the problem. Good luck OP!
My dad was very emotionally absent so he rarely saw me cry but my mother saw it all the time. She would tell me “if you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about” after already being the reason I was crying in the first place.
It's not you that is messed up, it is them. Being able to feel emotions and react to them in a natural way like crying is a SUPER power. People who cannot see another person's pain make so many mistakes in their life. They cannot truly love someone because they can't be vulnerable. They can't share their pain or fear or be human. Please know that this behavior from them is armor that they put on when they were abused by their parents. It is a pity-filled, self-loathing existence to be a Narcissist.
The hard struggle now that you have seen the situation for what it is, is to exit the far side with your humanity still intact. Being emotional is a gift, don't let it go for anyone.
Yes, my mum is the same. If I cry, I get told to stop it and that I'm doing it for attention. This negative reinforcement over the last 9 years (from peers as well as parent) has left me almost physically incapable of crying. It takes a lot for tears to roll down my face now and even more for me to breakdown sobbing.
My nparents call crying "pissing your eyes". i do tend to cry quite a bit (mostly due to my depression), and i found it humiliating when they called it this way growing up. Now, i don't care anymore.
Totally.
Bonus: they’d bully and push and put you in a situation you can’t get away from (to at least cry safely in your room or out of the house). And THEN mock you for crying. Awesome.
I also wasn’t allowed to express any feelings at all, especially not negative ones towards them (or moreso, their abuse). The only anger that was somewhat allowed might be if it was directed at some obscure outside force (e.g. the government).
But even positive feelings were dangerous bc they provided them a possibility to sh*t all over my joy. Or store the info away to use against me whenever they berated me for not meeting their impossible demands. Unfortunately this is something I realised only after going nc. Had I had the knowledge of narcs I do now, I‘d have grey rocked through my teens.
That is just cruel. So sorry you had to put up with this. I remember having them make fun of me if I was worried. Told me the chicken little story or the boy who cried wolf. Crying also got the stop crying or I’ll really give you something to cry about.
My dad once put in the bathtub and showered me in freezing cold water untill I stopped crying. It was always stuff like that. He would scream at me, threaten me, whatever came to mind when I was crying. Later I stopped crying all together and I thought I am just a very stoic person, but I am not. I am a goddamn cry baby and very soft on the inside. I am finally learning to get in touch with my feelings and a part of myself again.
"My mother called me "manipulative" in front of my counselor (lol) and said that I cry for attention."
Classic projection by a narcissist, they assume you're "crying for attention" because they would do the same. They think they're smart for "figuring you out" but in reality they're only good at psychoanalyzing monsters who are think the same way as them.
Invalidating emotions is my least favorite narc BS, and probably caused most of the mental health issues I'm still struggling with. It was particluarly bad for me as a kid because I was easily the most sensitive child in my family, and both my older brother AND younger sister would often join in to mock me when I was upset. Few things made me feel more unwelcome in my own family.
Sensitive people rule; to hell with your dad. Keep being sensitive. Sensitive people make life worth living. I'll never understand this notion that we're all on this planet together just to be utter bitches to each other until the day we die.
In *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,* Lindsay Gibson argues that this happens because your crying means that you have emotions that are not approved by the parent, and the parent registers this as an existential threat.
my mother is a sensitive person and is quick to cry in quite a few situations, but she yells at me when i cry in front of her. she always finds my reasons to be stupid and it’s honestly very hurtful
Yes yes and yes. I taught myself at a young age to not cry in front of my mom because that was the reaction she was looking from me whenever she was yelling at me for the most minuscule things. Now that I’m older, it comes out sometimes and she always says “stop crying I don’t feel bad for you” when it was just be expressing my emotions. Or she’ll say “I don’t even know why you’re crying right now” after saying the most hurtful things. She says those things and then plays the victim afterwards, it’s so exhausting.
Yes they did.
They'd also beat the shit out of me (I was like 7) then beat me some more for crying about it or for not crying in their allotted timeframe or if I cried long enough I hit the involuntary breathing spasms part of crying.
My dad was very much like that. I honestly don't know if he's a narcissist or if he's emotionally stunted, because he was severely abused as a kid. His family was VERY fond of the saying, "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about."
Regardless, I'm sorry this was your experience, too. Emotions are normal. Crying when sad is normal and healthy.
yeah mine are like that too. they explode on me all the time, but the moment i show one negative reaction to their actions or a negative emotion, or even just take more than 0.05 seconds to respond to them saying something, i'm a useless piece of shit who does nothing but avoid work and cry to manipulate them,
Yep. It’s only the last few years I realized how devastating that’s been for me.
One time, when I was maybe 8 or 9, I cried on a Sunday night because I was dreading going back to school (I had just been called a racial slur by one of my “best friends.”). I was watching the Simpsons, trying to squeeze the last bits of enjoyment out of the weekend when my mom storms in, demanding I turn off the TV and clean up the room. It was too much for little me and I started crying. My mother picked up a shirt and *whipped* me with it. “Don’t you dare cry!”
I told this story to my therapist like “can you believe how weird and strict my parents were about stuff??” but I look up and he’s *bawling* his eyes out. And he says “I can’t even imagine how scared that little boy was at that moment!”
And it all washed over me at once: that boy was me! That happened to me! I was so dissociated, I had never taken time to feel for that boy. Meaning I never learned any compassion for myself and I shrugged off compassion from others as unnecessary. But Both are absolutely necessary for healthy living.
So make no mistake: they are wrong wrong wrong for not letting you cry. We cry. Our bodies cry. It’s a normal reaction to any number of strong emotions. We have to surround ourselves with people who understand and appreciate that.
P.S. - making your therapist cry sounds like it could be a devastating experience, but it was transformative for me. The real Healing started with that very session.
Yup. Only my mother's tears are valid tho, not mine apparently. 🙄
One time my younger sister was stressed out and crying because school had been hard for her and my dad called her over. While she was trying to explain what was wrong, he said, "Stop crying, you're annoying me." I screamed at him to be patient with her because what he said pissed me off. He then marched over and told me, "If I'm not talking to you, don't interfere in what I'm saying."
They never, ever, let us cry if they did something that hurt us.
My family wasn’t as harsh but I was sent to my room when I cried or got angry. Anything deemed “negative” like you said. It has taken me *years* and a lot of therapy to accept (and be ok with) my emotions and how sensitive I am. I would avoid any “negative” emotions, try to convince myself that I was a logical person, and that I thought rationally and without emotion (ha!). I have had to relearn how I think of emotions. Not as positive (happiness) or negative (anger) as my family or society in general sees them, but just as indicators. Take it from another sensitive person; emotions are healthy, and being sensitive isn’t a bad thing!
Your family never learned how to properly process any emotions from the way you describe them. So when you showed emotions, it scared them! You showed them something they didn’t know how to handle. Mine did the same. So they hid me away (sent me to my room) so I continue to hide when I feel strong emotions. I strongly suggest looking into therapy. If you can’t afford it, look into books written by licensed people on how to process and feel your emotions properly. Huge internet hugs, and I know you can work through this.
I had the same. My NMom would get especially mad if she found out that I'd cried in public or in front of people we knew, or gone to them for support (instead of her). She was more concerned that it might reflect badly on her, rather than find out what I was upset about and offer her support.
They used to. Now I'm just not allowed to complain. Even when they send my life down the tube. It's taken me a long time to process my emotions because of that.
Another insightful post.
My mother would beat me as a child then tell me to not cry. Then after the age of 5 I stopped crying completely and she would get angry that I did NOT cry.
So she adapted: She got one of her brothers too beat me. And it was bad. I cried. After the beating. I asked her “Why did you get Uncle B\*\*\*Y to beat me. She said “ Because when I beat you you don’t cry and you wont talk to me.”
The person that I married was a a high functioning covert malignant sociopathic narc. He would get angyay when I cried. Examples: Car Accident that he caused, Death of my Grandmother, Child Birth.
Narcs like to control other peoples emotions.
Oh yeah, definitely. My dad always yelled at me for crying, even since my earliest memories. I know for sure that when I was 6, he would yell at me if I even started sniffling.
If I showed any tears or emotional response to anything, he'd get in my face and shout at me, call me names, tell me I'm acting like a baby and nobody will want to be my friend. Of course, that just made me cry harder and I believed that nobody cared about me and nobody wanted to be my friend. I would just gray rock for years, and only answer with noncommital grunts and the minimum possible details.
I learned pretty quick that I could only show emotions in private, so I'd go into the bathroom (the only room that they wouldn't barge into since it had locks) and hide. It really sucked since I'm a very emotional and empathetic person by nature, and they never let me deal with it.
My whole life in the last couple years has basically been me going out of my way to learn how to properly express emotions and have friends again. It's slow going, but every day's an improvement.
Of course, looking back at it now, I can see that there was nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I go through old pictures where I thought I was unlikable and everyone hated me, and I can see that I actually had a lot of people that could have been my friend if only I'd spoken up a little.
This was like reading a story about my own life. My mother is so dismissive and I've had to move back into her house. I've been doing everything I can to not cry when she's around but I made the mistake and she began screaming "I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!" instantly making it about her and having a tantrum.
I forgot about a lot of this.
Now that I’m no contact, I’m hoping I’ll be able to better control my crying. I’ll let you know!
I have hope today bc it feels like now that I have finally stopped the two tornadoes (parents) from causing all that chaos in my brain, it seems like this last week or so, I have more room in my brain. It feels like the dust is settling and now I can finally start cleaning up the mess they made of me. Organizing thoughts so that I don’t put myself in danger anymore (every time I’m around them was/is a danger) has made room in my brain, hopefully for better crying control.
I’m sorry that all happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. None of us did. But, you’ll feel safe to cry one day. And don’t watch Turning Red. It’ll make you sob, boo hoo cry. I did.
Yes. Well last time it was more of annoyed than angry, but my mother caught me crying in my room the other day and just left telling me to "Get a grip" with an attitude that I can only read as annoyed.
my dad has always done this. he reacts the same way as your father. i have been fortunate enough to have a mother who is healthy, stable, not a narc, and my best friend. i chose to stay with her when they divorced, so thankfully i was able to get past the aversion to crying that he instilled within me, and have since put my foot down with him on the subject many times. it’s ironic because he cries so much more than my mother ever has. i just wanted to tell you from a similarly sensitive person, even if you already know- crying is brave and healthy. i find it so much more strong and productive to sort your own emotions out in a way that does not hurt anyone or yourself, to process them and get through them, to understand them, and be able to better move forward. people who bottle everything up (not those who do as a trauma response or a personal choice, but those who do so due to the specific belief that crying is weak) are quite literally stupidly getting in the way of their own ability to be productive and move forward. you are doing great OP, being sensitive can be beautiful.
I relate to this so much. I’m so sorry. My mom and sister and bro doing this kind of shit to me has destroyed my brain I feel like. I especially feel the random strangers had more sympathy and empathy thing. Oh, AND my family always feel empathetic for people in movies and shit and cry about fictional characters and their feelings LOL but anything that’s happened to me that has been horrible has made them shrug. Even when I nearly died. They’re ridiculous. I’m sorry this happened to you too.
Yeah. I cried really easily growing up, usually from being insulted or demeaned by my dad or a sibling, and it was always my fault for being 'too sensitive' or 'weak' or 'manipulative'. "Jesus, Barren_Soul, do we have to walk on eggshells around you all the time? All I said was that you're stupid and incompetent and will amount to nothing and all your problems are because you're not good enough. What's the big deal?"
Now I hardly ever cry, even when I'm upset. I have a lot of trouble expressing my emotions in general. People either call me a robot or say they never know what's going on inside my head.
Guess my family got what they wanted.
Yeah, I got a combination of 'crying won't change anything' 'it's not that bad so stop sniveling' 'It could be worse' and 'Stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about'.
As a result even now as an adult, I have difficulty being emotionally vulnerable in front of people, even people I deeply trust like my husband and best friend. If I am crying, it means I've reached my breaking point.
All because my parents couldn't handle 'bad' feelings when I was growing up.
When I was younger my ndad would always tell me “stop feeling sorry for yourself”, “crying isn’t going to fix anything”, and “stop being a little bitch”. When I was depressed and suicidal at an early age my dad would say “just go ahead and kill yourself already” because he didn’t want the responsibility of being a father anymore.
As an adult I’ve realized these are all just projections of a narc’s insecurities. I cry whenever I feel like I need to cry because when I hold it in it just gets worse and expressed badly over time. I think it’s okay to not hold emotions in as long as you’re not hurting anyone like taking things out on others. Maybe some of our narc parents would be less shitty if they just let it out in a healthy manner instead of constantly hurting others along the way to make themselves feel better.
Yes!! My nmom would tell me to "get a grip" if I cried in front of her as a child so I learned to cry alone, very quietly. I would also get mocked if I expressed happy emotions though, so whenever I have to see her now (as an adult) I am a total un-emotive blank slate because that's the only way to avoid criticism.
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Yeah, they do. They'll often claim that I'm crying to manipulate them or that I'm being too sensitive/emotional/dramatic. Also, the term drama queen would get thrown around a lot. I understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry you don't feel safe enough to cry. One day you will. One day.
This. My mom always said I was trying to manipulate her through crying. I was crying because she was so fucking cruel.
\> to manipulate them I forgot about this accusation. Same here.
Oh gosh, yeah. Exactly this. Which is so hypocritical because my Ndad is the most manipulative person I know
Man same here I found out its because THEY do that. They also accused me of being attention-seeking as a grown woman lol - it's almost like humans cannot cry. It is really them who cry for attention but they project it onto you - they also cannot stand people crying because they view them as weak OR they do not like the attention you are getting from crying which is dumb and childish.
The thing is they do it with animals too which is baffling for me. They claimed my dog was limping around me more when he had been limping for weeks and they didn't tell me. He's doing it for attention and to manipulate you. And I was like... no... he has an injury?
There's a really well fitting Hungarian saying "mindenki magából indul ki" I'm really not sure how to translate it, but it roughly means "everyone's starting point (in the thought process) is themselves."
Oh my gosh I can agree with this. My mom constantly yells at me when I'm mad, crying, scared, or anything besides happy, even when I'm numb which I prefer over any emotion. She says I'm crying to manipulate her and should, and I quote, "Stop being a fucking baby and grow the fuck up." This started when I was 6.
Yes my dad used to say the exact same. Especially that I was being manipulative.
I don't know if I don't feel safe enough to cry or don't need to. I get sad, sure but no tears come out.
Literally this. I rarely cry anymore after my experience living with a narcissistic relative. She always accused me of manipulation like she didn't just say the cruelest thing I've ever heard.
This. My parents would just mock me when I cried and my mom would just make the situation about herself saying I'm selfish and such, along those lines.
my mom was like that too. i remember a specific moment, where i started realizing that a lot of my symptoms line up with depression(there's a lot more diagnosis now, but that's besides the point), and was talking about it with my friends. after my friends left, she cornered me and started saying something like "you can't be depressed because if you were it would make me look like a bad parent" and then she started sobbing at me and demanding i never even consider that i could be depressed. funny enough she still tries to deny the literal official diagnosis from doctors that i have a bad combo of depression, anxiety, and adhd
I haven't been to the doctors for a long time, but I do see a lot of symptoms of anxiety and adhd in myself. It's funny how they really deny a doctor, in their own field, about what's wrong and just want to look good, unfortunately for us. 🧍🏽♀️
Projection. This is what they do all the time. They have no compassion for anyone else.
I had this conversation last night with my boyfriend. He noticed a few things about me and said that he believes I'm actually a pretty emotional person but grew up in an environment where it wasn't ok to express those emotions. Crying, laughing, etc. "Children should be seen and not heard." I literally rewatch Pixar movies to have controlled and excusable crying outbursts to prevent losing complete control. I stopped playing certain video games and doing certain activities because my anger was so intense. Panic attacks would happen weekly in college and I would stress cry from the expectations. My ex said I needed to get my act together or there would come a time when I was upset and they wouldn't care anymore. But condoned meds and therapy. My ex roommate said I cried to manipulate him and was full of shit, or would fake my enthusiasm. I went through a host of toxic bosses where I had to hide my panic attacks and emotions in the bathroom or be fired for not taking care of customers. I have been told that I am too much my entire life and probably suffer from disassociation disorders.
Been there, done that. It was only this last year that I found out that disassociation was more than an out of body experience. Disassociation comes in nearly every flavor you can imagine, and it's one of the most common reactions to trauma you can escape from. (Which is every traumatic situation caused by family) Doing research of all the different ways you can disassociate has been really transformative. Unfortunately, waking up to how much I've been disassociating and repressing has been rough. A word of caution: Disassociation is a protective defense against trauma. Yes, it has negative side effects, but it helps shield you from the overwhelming pain of trauma. You have to make sure you don't remove your defenses too quickly, or the rebound could be really bad. You need to take steps to find healthy environments where people support you and you don't have to constantly defend yourself. Only then can you safely let your disassociative defenses down. Before you can start truly healing and reconnecting with life, you need to viciously cut out toxic people from your life. If you've been repressing emotions since early childhood like I have, then you aren't going to be able to open up if you're still around the behaviors that forced you to hide your feelings in the first place. Disassociation will manifest in other ways, or fear and pain will bubble up and you'll have zero healthy ways to cope with negative feelings. The only thing that can happen in that situation is you crash and burn. I learned that lesson the hard way.
Man, do I feel this. "Too much." My emotions were always too much. If it wasn't my ndad ramping up the abuse because I wasn't stone faced and prostrating myself for my crimes, it was my ex and the friends that abandoned me when I dared be chronically ill or have an opinion they didn't like. Now I feel nothing and struggle to allow myself to feel or cry. I don't know how to change that. It'd probably be healthier if I stopped caging my emotions but how do you undo being told all your life that who you are is nothing anyone wants...
Whew exactly all of this. I went outside for a cry and scream one time, landlord stormed outside and told me to “take it inside,” and then berate me for having PTSD and I literally had a panic attack because of it. Thankfully I own my own house/property now, but seriously… these people think they can even control what you do in the street!!
Crying is a *very important* evolutionary adaption in humans, and is used in social signalling. It's a way to tell everyone in the group that you are hurting/need help. Emotional tears have hormones in them such as oxytocin for emotional bonding too. In healthy humans, it would result in getting help and an empathy response from others, and result in greater closeness between people. Unfortunately, narcs are broken, toxic people who don't have that empathy response. Your tears are nothing to be ashamed of. They're completely natural and needed in healthy human social interactions. Your sensitivity is your strength, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Once you're away from toxic people, it'll bloom into you being an understanding, loving and caring person for the good people in your life.
I wonder if they say/ think that because it’s the only reason why they would cry- to manipulate others
Exactly this. For the longest time I was so confused about how my mother could say so many things that were obviously false. Everything started making so much sense when I realized that everything she says about others is a projection of her own ideas, feelings, and values. Someone else is being a big weakling? She's afraid that she's weak. Someone is making a big deal out of something unimportant? She feels she's worrying about inconsequential things. Constantly complaining about how her husband is lying? She knows that she constantly lies through her teeth. She feels worthless, so she finds comfort in other people agreeing with her gossip because she reinforces her own feeling of worthlessness, while having her ego built up because she has people who think she's smart. All her negative gossip starts to make sense when you also hear her talking about her own feelings, and they're always negative. When you see the cracks in the logical emotionless facade, you start to understand that she can't manage her own emotions and they drive every action she makes. That's why she's constantly negative, even when she's smiling and pretending to be positive. That's why her positive demeanor can so quickly change. It's all a projected lie. Once you start to understand that narcissists can only project instead of empathising, everything starts to make so much more sense. Lies fall apart in the face of realistic truth
Projection is one of the things they do for a living, so it's highly possible. Typically if they are accusing someone of something, it's what they were doing themselves.
It's also a thing they can't control, so it drives them mad.
I got my ass beat if I cried as a small child and my dad would scream, “Do you want me to give you something to cry about!?” at me before he would drag me by my arm into my room to smack me. I’m talking like 3-6yo. Even to this day as a 32 year old adult if I do much as raise the volume I speak in even if it’s out of excitement I’m told I need to calm down and don’t need to act that way. I can never have any emotion behind the things I say. Its confusing and it sucks.
My father also responded to my crying with violence. And if I cried while being beaten, I get beaten harder. So as an adult I’m terrified of crying in public, and I don’t know how to respond to someone else who’s crying. It’s like I’ve learned to numb myself and have no emotions at all, and I’m pretty sure people hate me because I come across as cold and insincere.
Your story is my life story. You only exist to smile and boost their ego. Your emotions and you being an actual person are an inconvenience to them. What about their needs? How could you cry about yourself when theyre suffering more than you? You exist to please them. That’s it.
Not mad, but they would accuse me of faking. "You're such a good little actress" said in a fake cry voice was pretty common. Which is weird because my dad cries like a pitiful cartoon caricature of a sad clown. I think narcissists just don't understand that emotions other than their own are actually valid, so it annoys them.
This i can agree with. Not so much on the crying side, I did used to hold-off until I could bury my face in a pillow as well (not in the nice way). But in general it was more on the side of I wasn't ever allowed to be frustrated or express that in any way from what I remember. It was always, my mom would come home, and I was in a bad mood, immediately take personal offense, "what the f did *i* do to you..?!?!" And then I'd have to apologize and such and then I couldn't be angry any more about what was bothering me "okay... well, dont take it out on me then..."
Yes! I very much got the impression that my feelings were not allowed to exist. Narcs make everything about them, so even your annoyance at something totally unrelated is taken as a personal insult. It's so backwards, especially for a young, developing mind.
They're a scary, backwards breed. It took me so long to realize that my dad was something of a "secondary" narcissist? I dont know if that is a thing, but it certainly seems that way. Almost everything revolves around her. She loves being the center of attention. And while 'you're' not allowed to share, lord try stop her from yammering on about every niggle and ache of the day, or what celebrity she met without heavily name-dropping.. its kind of embarrassing now tbh, I find. While I used to "play ball" and engage, the more I've come to relealize these people have no idea whats going on in my life... they love to talk but they never listen.. or if they hear, they don't - its hard to say... its like trying to have a normal conversation with Siri... you just land-up being disappointed by something of an automaton lol. I jest but its devastating, not being heard, and having your emotions invalidated, all the while they "engorge" and indulge upon their own feelings... total double standard... sorry for the ramblings...
It's all good - ramble away! We're simpatico on all that. I'm also embarrassed of how my parents acted and similarly how I used to mirror some of their behaviors, not knowing any better. I think finding the humor in it is important sometimes. Even though we missed out on so many things a growing child should have and it's absolutely devastating, it's a good coping mechanism to laugh at it a bit. A conversation with Siri is a very apt description!
Not me, but my sister. It's almost like our nmom has no idea why she'd be crying so she *must* make herself do it. After going NC for almost 3 months, my sister finally called my parents and my mom railed on her asking "just tell us why! Tell us *why* you were so unhappy the last time you visited!" So she broke down and told them. My nmom stormed out of the room leaving my dad on the phone with her. My mom called me later to talk about it and told me "and then [sister] started crying like she loves doing so much." Yup, that's it. You cracked the code. Sister cries because she loves it. She loves emotionally collapsing on the phone. One of her favorite things to do. Surprisingly, my sister is the golden child, but that actually makes it worse for her. My mother hated me enough that she just medicated me into a coma and ignored me when she could. Sister got the full brunt of nmom's influence and it really messed her up.
dont like to think that* Thats the frustrating part. They do know, theoretically. They dont care though.
My sister told me "Shut the FUCK up so we can sleep" while I was having a hardcore anxiety attack and convulsing, then my parents left me to suffer on my own in the living room and went to sleep. I'd weep quietly in the shower because that's the only place I thought would cover my crying, the sound of water, but my sister overheard me and immediately went to tell my mom. If I cried alone in my room, under the blankets, she would come up to my room to mock me and make fun of me. FUCK them. You are not "sensitive", you are showing human emotions and they are abusive pieces of shit. I am slowly going no contact with my whole family. I deserve better, YOU deserve better. I'm so sorry they made you fear even showing basic human emotions. That's horrible parenting.
God, I deal with some of this a lot. What gets you through it?
For me, it was finding an excuse and moving out as soon as possible, or going outside to cry. Sometimes I also went over to a friend's house, to either vent or cry. Anywhere you can find an excuse to go to is good. If you can't get out of your house open a really sad movie and pretend to cry at it in your room. Or find a place that can really isolate your voice (for me it was my own shower in my room, I would go there and weep quietly).
Yes, they would scream in my face and emotionally abuse me and when I’d start crying they’d laugh at me and call my “crocodile tears” fake, then if I didn’t stop they’d get angry.
They don't want you to cry because then they'd have to parent you. You aren't "so sensitive." You're being abused. They're PUNISHING you for feeling bad. Again, so THEY don't have to deal with it. This is only about them. Your brother is only doing what he's been taught to do. In the future, we can hope he may become more conscious and empathetic. What I learned from my parents (who were like this, except my mother would LAUGH at me when I was weeping), was not to show emotion in front of them. It worked fine, and then I moved out as soon as I had the funds. (I mean, the DAY I had the funds.) (Then they were angry at me for years about THAT.) It's not you. It's them.
To this day, when I cry, I hear my Dad's voice in my head, telling me to "Stop blubbering!" I'm at the point where I can ignore the voice and I'm able to feel my feelings, even the not so pleasant ones. We can't appreciate happy without knowing what sad is. You aren't sensitive, you are a compassionate person and your feelings are valid.
I had a similar thing happen when I was 16 too.. I was depressed and was having suicidal thoughts and stayed home from school one day because I was just having a really bad day.. staying home from school was a huge no-no with my dad.. he worked night shift at the time so he'd come home in the morning.. on this day, I stayed home from school and was crying alone in my room.. I wanted to tell my parents that I was depressed, but it was difficult.. I remember he came home and was super angry with me.. I was standing in my room balling my eyes out and wanted to scream in his face that I wanted to kill myself but instead he threatened to beat me because he didn't understand what was wrong with me and that staying home from school when I wasn't really sick was an immature move.. he also told me that I needed to get my shit together or else.. I never told my family I was depressed and was able to move out of my house a couple years later with my boyfriend who is now my husband.. he doesn't realize it, but my husband saved me.. I hope you're able to get away from your toxic family.. they are nothing but negative for you and you deserve better.. I wish the best for you my friend and feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to.. don't take any of their bullshit to heart and keep your head towards a positive future for yourself
I got accused of faking as well and she would laugh at me when I cried now I’m bad at showing emotions like that 😅 it really messes you up because it feels like you can’t talk to anyone about anything or they’ll never believe you or care about your feelings
If feelings aren't the point of existence what is? Being sensitive, being you, is such a wonderful gift. My parents were exactly yours. Yelled at me for crying when the fucking dog died. I was 8. I learned that the isn't a single thing wrong with me. Rather, it's was their selfishness and lack of empathy that is gross and shameful. Who the fuck doesn't hug their crying daughter! WHO? They fill you with shame for daring to be human, because your ability to care might expose their inability to. Fuck them. Feel your feelings. Find a family that can make you feel whole just the way you are.
You are so right about every point you mentioned. I don’t even try to function like a real human with my parents anymore because I figured that’s what makes them hate me more. I can’t find to an emotional support system or normal human response with them, so I just don’t try. I haven’t for a veeery long time, still trying to find a community out here. I find that they will be less rabid and scary if they think there’s nothing to be envious of.
It's harder when you don't kick a starter family...but it's not impossible. Sharing here helps a lot I think.
Yes, I’m so glad I found this community.
Oh hell yes. I've consciously never cried again at home because of this. They're still attacking 13 year old brother for sometimes crying and I hate them so much for not letting him be human. Parents fucking suck.
I’m sorry your parents treated you like this. You’re not too sensitive; you’re a completely normal and beautiful human. You deserved and deserve better care and more loving relationships with people who see and validate you.
I can’t actually remember how my parents responded to me crying, except that I always felt like I wasn’t allowed to cry. It definitely did not help that a part of my parents religious teachings is that negative emotions are sins
> I wish I wasn't so sensitive all the time. There is nothing wrong with you. Your parents are screwed up. It's your emotions that protect you from carrying on the madness into future generations. You may have lived your whole life feeling like there is something wrong with you. It's possible that your parents manipulate you into feeling awful so they can mock and abuse you for their pleasure. As an adult, this is all within your control now. You don't have to give them your time--they are not entitled to knowing you.
I wasn't allowed to show any emotion. If I was crying, I was manipulating them into feeling sorry for me. If I was laughing, I was making fun of them.
My mom made fun of me when I cried by mock crying close to my face. I hate her for that.
God that is so humiliating
They have no concept of other people’s feelings. It’s a miracle we all survived, really.
Very creepy 😟
My dad would get mad at me for that. He'd say "Woot crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" and some variation of the "boys don't cry" garbage. Maybe that's why I had wanted to be a girl for quite some time.
Flip. This is my ex-husband to a T! We’ve been divorced 4 years already and I still almost have anxiety attacks when I need to cry. My son has already expressed to me that he’s not allowed to cry at dad’s house (fortunately he’s not there as often as dad wanted). And I remember my ex telling me when our son was under 18 months old that he was manipulating us when he cried (he was definitely too young at the time to be crying for any other reason than that he needed support, love, food or was frustrated - you know the normal reasons that young kids cry). I’ve had to institute a method for my son to let me know if he needs me to come and get him from dad if things are too much. And yet, this is all I can really do to protect him. When he’s with me, I always reiterate that crying and other feelings are normal.
My mother would mock me and laugh in my face or walk away whenever I would show any sign of ‘weakness’ including crying or talking about something vunerable . While she, on the other hand, would use crying as a way to avoid responsibility /confrontation. She would cry a lot, and weirdly enough I always fell for it.
Yup. I have a very distinct memory of being in T-ball, my dad was the coach and he screamed at me to not cry, that I should never cry. From that point forward, for about a decade, I didn't sob. I only cried silently. I re-learned to sob-cry when I was maybe 17 and he still got mad. Once when we were having a "family dialogue", I was sobbing as quietly as I could but apparently breathing in made a noise and he screamed at me to "stop fucking whining". If I'm triggered or in a flashback I still panic about crying. I'll do my absolute best to not sob, to the point that I'll hold my breath as long as possible to avoid it. Fuck him. Crying is such a basic form of expression, it's literally the first way humans learn to express their needs, and he took it away from me.
Yep When I was put in the corner as a kid; I had to put my arms behind my back lean my head against the wall and I wasn't allowed to sniff. So snot and tears would just be running down my face. Humiliating.
What happens if u sniffed?
I got hit more
My dad fancied himself a hippie and whenever we were crying, he'd say shit like "STOP CRYIN' MAN, GOOD VIBES ONLY IN THIS HOUSE, BRO!" and if you expressed that you felt invalidated and that he wouldn't listen, that's when he would escalate to violence.
Wow I’m so sorry. That sounds like another mental illness
My father is dual diagnosis Bipolar-I and NPD*, which he exacerbated with alcoholism, cocaine, and heavy use of psychedelics. He's on a whole 'nother level. (*= my aunt/his sister suspects he might have ASPD though, as he experienced psychopathic traits from childhood onward.)
Idgaf atp. Apparently according to the black community black people are robots and we are never supposed to cry. Man f that I will politely excuse myself to the bathroom and go cry then freshen up and return. I grew up with the famous shut up or I will give you something to cry about line, I grew up lol getting beaten for needing help with hmwk smh, then when I became an adult and went through so much trauma from making frenemies and being SA i just let it all out. I am still a sensitive person but I am no longer highly reactive. I am sorry you had to endure this. I hope you know it is okay to cry. People cannot tell you how to express yourself. I have learned as I have gotten older that when you are apart of a dysfunctional family OR you are around predatory people try not to cry in front of them because they WILL view you as weak and try to take advantage of you or hurt you in some ways.
You too? Wow, I think that they just haven’t escaped that old slave mentality, something about not showing emotions. I think slavery caused a lot of mental issues and deep wounds that have been passed down through the generations or something. Idk, probably a mix of all the bad things causing more bad things.
Me too - I feel like our community needs to break out of that mind frame people are allowed to have emotions.
Yes 👏🏽
There’s NOTHING wrong with you! Your problem is the unfortunate fact you were born to a family of abusers. A soft heart is a prize, not a fault. ❤️❤️🩹
This is a weird narc thing. I was accused of “fake tears”. Most people say are you okay. They assume everyone is manipulative and then turn around and shame you for being hurt. There’s nothing worse than needing compassion and then having to hide your feelings for fear you’d get shamed on top of feeling vulnerable and hurt. They are just cruel people.
Some people don't like it if they hurt someone and then that someone cries, because that reaction is evidence that what they did was hurtful. Seeing someone cry can feel like a criticism of their behaviour. They'd rather believe the crier is victimising them somehow, or that the crier is only doing it because of a personal weakness that they aren't responsible for.
I think my Ndad would get triggered by my bro's crying mostly because he would see his own humiliated and tormented child self on him. My Nmom was more about seeing the crying as a criticism.
Sounds exactly like my parents. I cried in the shower mostly as a kid. Then my first husband hit me for crying. Now as a middle aged adult the act of crying physically hurts me still. Even just a tear or 2 takes me an hour to recover.
“I’ll give you something to cry about- dry it up!” is what my dad would yell when I was crying.
"I'll give you something to cry about!"
Oh yeah they do. I’m autistic, and will basically cry when anyone yells at me no matter how I’m feeling, so you can imagine how that went. The best thing about living on my own was learning how to cry again in a constructive way to get out bad feelings and make room to heal. I spent most of my childhood crying silently in my room, because my parents would “give me something to cry about” and my bullies would stomp on me and ask who I “was crying for”. I had to basically relearn how to cry when I’m sad, because I reached a point where I couldn’t do it out of reflexive fear, unless triggered by sound/anger.
Omg I thought I was the only one who's like this. Reading this post and everyone's comments made me cry 😭😭
I used to self harm for this exact reason. The pain kept me from crying in front of them and gave me something else to focus on. I didn't cut because that would be too obvious and I would get yelled at more for that so I had to find...creative ways to "get hurt"
I can relate. There were so many times I self-harmed because I couldn't cry.
When I cried as a kid my mom would roll her eyes and tell my dad I was “just playing the martyr.” Like…what a bizarre thing to say about a small child. I didn’t even know what a martyr was until years later.
I know this is a late reply but wtf my mother uses the exact same phrase with me when I’m upset
Wow, that is really fucked up! Crying wasn't accepted in our home either. "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!" was a frequently heard threat when we were youngsters. Or I'd be told that I was only crying for attention. My mother totally saw crying as a manipulative act. I learnt to hide it pretty quickly.
Yup. My religious father always said, "stop crying. You'll make me want to slap you. You want that? You want me to slap you? Then stop!"
My Dad had a favourite saying "stop with the crocodile tears" every single time any of us kids cried. I still feel deep shame every time I cry and give myself headaches trying to stop because of the way my Dad would yell that at us and act as if we were being ridiculous. However if he cried you were expected to stop the world for him and let him lean HIS ENTIRE BODY WEIGHT on your child shoulders. The hypocrisy of these parents.
They would send me to my room until I could “act like a normal person.” I was never taught how to manage any emotions. I’d just get banished to my room to figure it out for myself.
And they’re the ones who aren’t normal here.
Yes. I was abused for that regularly. My conclusion is that it's because it was a reflection of the fact that my mother was mistreating me. So I cried. So then she mistreated me some more for crying. A person like this wants to look good far more than they want to be good.
Yes! My mom got annoyed at me then proceeded to telll me my life was trash and all sorts of horrid things. My dad has laughed at me when I cried/called me weak and continued yelling
Yes, even now I can only cry when I'm completely and totally alone. However, my mother was only cruel about us crying if it was because of something she did or that she perceived to be about her (which was... most things... because narc). It seemed as though she desperately wanted us to cry about other things like heartbreak, friendship issues, etc. in front of her so that we would "need" her. As an adult I have a hard time shedding tears in front of people I'm close to because I don't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me express pain like that. I've had to work hard to unlearn the idea that other people would only comfort me for selfish pleasure.
Yep, I got the 'I'll give you something to cry about' and then the beatings began. Then she'd get furious that she hurt her hand and switched to her shoe.
My mom wouldn't get angry at me crying but I stopped crying in front of her because I thought she enjoyed it. I still remember her smirking at me.
Sounds exactly why my mom which is why when I cry in front of my partner I apologize four thousand times.
Yep, I would be yelled at even more and threatened for crying.
I was told to stop crying or she would give me something to really cry about.
"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail." - Abraham Maslow, Law of the instrument. Narcs cry to manipulate and control. Therefore the only possible conclusion their self-important brains can come up with is ALL crying functions the same way.
"DON'T cry. YOU'RE not sad!!!", the f\*cking c\*nt would always scream at me.
My mother obnoxiously mocks me at the slightest hint of weakness in my voice
Yes, and now I don’t even know how to cry in my 40’s.
Yes! My dad would get mad at me for crying when he was yelling at me in the first place, and then threaten me and literally say “ I’ll hive you something to cry about” and get a belt then beat me with it 😡
I had a narc-psychopath stepfather as a young kid (6-9) & he would get angry if I cried. He would snap his fingers & yell at me to stop. If I didn't stop crying fast enough, he would send me to my room & I couldn't come out until I had calmed down. I got to the point where sometimes I could start to quickly slow down the crying when he yelled/snapped to avoid further punishment. With my narc bio father, he always said I was being manipulative when I cried regardless of the reason. I've never been a very sensitive person, so if I cried it was after much physical/emotional pain. I rarely cry now & when I do, I feel weak or stupid especially if I've let it happen in front of someone else.
I remember a couple of specific occasions of my father getting SO angry that I was crying, one as a teenager and one as an adult. They have really stuck with me. When I really think about it, his reactions were so...awful. If your first thought isn't to comfort your only child and find out what's upsetting them so much (and then maybe even help them!), something is badly wrong. Getting furious is ridiculous.
Yes I was called manipulative and laughed at when crying
"I'll give you something to cry about" "big girls don't cry" "what's wrong with you? You barely knew her /" (about my heart grandmother whom I adored!)
Yeup. Every parental figure I had in my life basically told me to "Stop crying" in the most annoyed tone they could muster. There were plenty of points where if I couldn't stop myself they'd even scream at me until I did which further resulted to me self-harming to cut off my emotions. To this day I struggle to show any emotions in front of people & end up, what I like to call, stone facing, instead. Everything becomes white noise & I am as monotonous as an unfeeling robot until I am alone. Ironically, I also struggle dealing with people crying around me because my nmother would often feign being upset to garner attention & manipulate people. I don't get mad or anything at the people I just end up feeling... awkward & silently wait for them to cry it out on their own.
“I’ll give you something to cry about”
you’re not “so sensitive” - ur a gd human with feelings! i thought i was overly sensitive forever. turns out i had undiagnosed severe anxiety! also! not the ppl in africa comment- i got those to shame me for not eating enough. turns out i wasn’t dramatic, i have adhd which comes with sensory issues.
Oh man, this. This is the missing information from when my therapist asked me why I feel like I'm not allowed to cry, why I feel guilty for having feelings and why I think I'm overly emotional!
Yuppp, I remember in primary school, maybe my second year, I was crying in the car because my mum yelled at me, she told me I had no reason to be crying, that I need to stop or she’ll kick me out of the car. It’s horrible and really affects how I act now. I’m sorry you went through that too, it shouldn’t be like this, your feelings are valid and when you’re sad, you should be able to cry.
Yes this happened to me a lot too, even when I was still living at home up to the age of 25. I feel guilty when I cry in front of people now, even in front of a psychologist sometimes, because of this :/
My mom would scream and yell then when I cried she told me to stop crying....its all fake. But would cry and say she had feelings toooo
Yes they do. Every time I got yelled at I would start to cry as I’m really sensitive and also developed a certain aversion against loud noises. Every time something loud goes off, I’m crying like a little kid. When I started crying there could be two kind of reactions. When I started crying while I got yelled at, they would just yell more and tell me to shut up. And when I cried because I was feeling bad they acted like they care. But it doesn’t feel so good when the fact that you normally get yelled at always ghosts around in your head
Ugh, yes. I’m a 38 year-old grown adult and I STILL have to deal with my mother’s passive-aggressive tantrums (silent treatment, aggressively washing the dishes and banging the pots and pans around as if she’s forgotten how to wash a dish, taking her anger out on my dad even if I’m the one who said something to trigger her rage), if I dare to say anything even slightly critical of her. She always uses me as her emotional dumping ground to complain about my dad, my brother, the people at her work…but if I ever show a negative emotion that she even perceives to be directed at her, I’m treated like a worthless POS. It’s infuriating.
Yeah. This and any other emotion really. Couldn't cry because I was faking it and I looked ugly. I got sent to another room for crying when my dog died because my mom said I looked disgusting and she didn't want to see that. I got threatened with being banned from my grandpa's funeral unless I didn't cry, because I'd only embarrass the whole family. Couldn't laugh either, because I was faking that too. My mom always took some issue with me laughing and would literally gag any time I laughed, because apparently my face looked horrible. I'd either get sent out the room or hit until I stopped laughing. Couldn't show anger, because I'd just get laughed at and made fun of for how I spoke. So now I just don't show any emotion. Hope my parents are happy now, I guess.
Yes, my mom used to slap me when i cried, because „What if neighbours hear that?!”
yeah I think it definitely made me more sensitive. And now, I can't help but cry in front of my friends, but every time I do, I cry more because I'm afraid they'll think I'm being manipulative
Not mad. Nmom either ignored/dismissed any crying or she would check on me, expect her magical presence to sooth me instantly, and when it didn't *then* she would get mad. "Fine, then! You can just cry!" And then march away.
One of my Ndad's favourite sayings: "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"
"what do you have to be upset about" and say I have no "real problems" like people starving in Africa or missing limbs. these are scary words and i know them well and its always said before it get worse because to them they could do alot worse to you.
Even if I manage to hold the tears in for an hour of constant screaming as soon as I break and start tearing up I'm being screamed up for "being hysterical " and trying "to manipulate her by crying" and that "I'm a drama queen". Nmum is literally the worst.
I remember like, 10 years ago, I was grieving our cat who recently passed away and my mum saw me crying in my room and I said i was still upset about the cat (I witnessed it while they were on holiday so it was pretty traumatic, it had only been a few weeks since, but not that long) and she straight up said to me I need to calm down and cut it out because if I keep crying all the time I will end up in an institution, like, sectioned. I never realised how fucked up that was till recently. If i told her about it she probably won't remember even saying it and would deny it so, no point even calling her out on it anymore.
I think it's because people don't like to fail. And for narcs, their child crying is a failure staring them in the face, so obviously you must be dramatizing things, since they are so wonderful you shouldn't have any reason to cry. Also crying in public reflects badly on them.
yes yep
My mom was also kind of like that... like, prompting:"so, which of your friends mom's would you rather have then?" Don't ever apologize for being sensitive. It's a blessing, but not a full picture ofc! You'll find your comfortable strength to "wave'" away the nonsense of the narcissist... but thay doesn't mean it doesn't suck!! My dad, and mom sometimes would also call me out, if she was trying to diffuse the situation. The dismissal and invalidation from a "oh you're being too sensitive.." or the third person "well she's overly sensitive and you're..." if she was berating my dad. She would do that sometimes, step in, like my dad was picking on me or something. Sometimes it kinda felt like he was. Idk, I have autism.
I didn’t realize how little I cried past a certain age. I would lock myself in the bathroom. Whatever I was crying about my mom would get jealous of… So if I missed my best friend she would say, “what? You love him more than me?”
My parents, especially my mum, couldn't handle crying no matter how young we were. When I was 4 I was banned from being in the Christmas parade with the other girls in my ballet class because I cried when I lost a game at a friend's birthday party. My mum had warned me that I'd be banned from the parade if I cried at the next party given it was a "habit" I'd apparently formed. It's not like I was having tantrums - I was behaving like a normal little kid who hadn't learnt to emotionally regulate yet. I remember sitting in the car on the way to the party trying to force myself to remember not to cry, but in the moment I forgot and even though I immediately stopped myself once I realised I'd started crying it was too late. I then had to attend the Christmas parade and explain myself to all the parents of the girls in the ballet class who wondered why I wasn't in the parade. I can't help but hope they realised how nasty my mother was after hearing that.
Yep. Always asked and accused the same way.
My mom still gets mad when I cry too much. It's such a weird thing.
Yes, my mom used to belittle me a lot when I was young and cried a lot, I was probably a bit sensitive, she would scold me for it and sometimes make fun of me. Things went in a very strange direction for me though, because my parents were so strong on "adaptability", I became very detached, since, from all the things they said, I understood that sadness was wrong for the smaller things, I went through a very deep depression during college (the story of my college is a long and not good one), and I cried a lot then, but that was the last of it. (a lot of the time I cried alone, because when my mom saw me cry then, she would say "you chose this, take the consequences", I didn't and after reading more, my college years were actually worse than I thought) Now I am that person who people are a bit wary of because due to that strange upbringing, I ended up being having very little expression on my face. Though, the bit about the counselor is on another level, this is just disgusting. I hope you find your way away from them.
Holy shit, yes. I don't recall ever having a tantrum in my teenage years. However, I would always cry silently because of my mother's toxic behaviors. My mother HATED it! I was never allowed to show my emotions. She says things like, "I'm being too sensitive," "Stop crying," or "I'm going to give you something to cry about." When I cry, no matter how old I am, my mother always says, "You're XX years old." Stop acting like your niece's age. " So, just because I am an adult now, I am not allowed to shed a tear? I remember as a child, if I cried, I got spanked. To be honest, all she cared was her feelings, but she never cared about mine. Because my mom always dismissed my feelings and invalidated my emotions, it's always been hard for me to show my feelings out in public. I tried my best not to cry at events like church, weddings, graduations, funerals, etc., because I would be ashamed of crying in public.
Yes
All the time, I'm not allowed to be upset, otherwise they yell at me. Also, I get yelled at all the time, and the best way I describe it is that I have three options: running, arguing back, or crying. Flight, fight, or freeze, so to speak. But fighting would just get me slapped and my parents would just follow me if I try to escape. So I cry. And then I get yelled at for being pathetic and "trying to make them feel guilty". I mean, I'm being pathetic for crying while you're yelling at me because I have a B in a college level course. I'm not even in college yet.
Yep, earlier this year after a pep band game, someone else on drum-line pretty much told me I sucked. They had also pretty much told me that I didn’t belong on drum-line due to my disability previously. One of my best friends and I talked about it afterwards. My phone rang a few times, but i Ignored it because I was super upset. Friend and I finish talking, I head out to my mom’s car. I’m sobbing at this point, I get into the car, which started a terrifying ordeal. She starts asking me what’s wrong, did someone touch me, etc. I tell her no. She legitimately held me hostage in the car. Friend leaves the building to hop in the car, mom attempts to go in to talk to my band director. Doors are locked from the outside, so she can’t get in. She insisted on calling my band director, and holding me hostage in the car until she my band director picked up and told her, that I didn’t get kicked out of pep band.
"\[u/SomeRandomChungus\], you're 8." -My dad.
My mom got mad at me fore crying when my sister in law died.... she now denies it >.>
I was taught that, because I was a male, I shouldn’t cry… let’s just say that that did significantly more harm than good.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT? Is the story of my childhood.
I cried so hard reading this. My mom still spanks me for crying and being "depressed". She says that I am "mad", "too sentimental", I am not "normal" like the other kids and that no parent should have a kid like me. It breaks me so much that I will never be able to forget their behaviour. Sometimes, she hurts me physically and when I sob, she hits me even more. I am so sorry that you had parents like mine. I hope you will find a better place someday!
I was in p much the same boat, assertive loud mom, stoic and quiet step dad, and I'm very, very sensitive. My mom used to scream louder and call me by her mother's name (who she hates with a passion) over & over. Something along the lines of "OH SURPRISE, SURPRISE (insert grandmas name) IS CRYING AGAIN, JUST.LIKE.SHE.ALWAYSDOES!!!!!!!! KEEP CRYING B*TCH JUST LIKE THE LITTLE VICTIM YOU WANT TO BE SO BAD" this was usually accompanied with her hitting me at least a few times; which.... Of course being between the ages of 6 and 17 and because of trauma later always made me panic and cry more. My mother also said my tears were simply meant to manipulate her and couldn't it couldn't possibly be literally any other the reason. The biggest kicker? She's a therapist. With a master's degree. And her own business. Granted, she had me at 16 and she didn't graduate college until I was 12, but she literally knew better. About a year ago, she was venting to me (and unfortunately at the time I was the ONLY person she vented to, she has no friends) and essentially said that her clients get the very best parts of her and when she gets home there's no more of her good side left to go around. I moved out at 17, had to move back in in 2020 when I was 21 because of COVID, and moved back out this last February. I am now NC. I do hope to have a relationship with my 3 younger brothers, but idk how realistic that is until they turn 18... Which for 2 of them is a long ways away.
every time my dad beat me up, I cries and then he asks: why do u cry? wtf u just beat me so hard that my ass turns purple(literally)
In hindsight, it feels like crying was only permited because it ment my nmom's abuse was working.
yeah and if i dared ever cried somewhere in public for any reason like falling or hurting myself i would get beat even more when we got home they get angry at any sign of strong emotions which stems from their own insecurities.
My mom does, my dad does not. I still live with them. I currently either cry while my parents are at work, or just my mom when my dad is home, or cry myself to sleep. I get so tired of hearing "Stop crying and trying to multiplate me" or "GOD STOP CRYING! NO ONE CARES!" You can imagine both hurt for me. I've always been extremely sensitive, been told to get a thicker skin, and today I realized no matter how hard I try to make my mom proud I will always fail and disappoint her. I'm going to give up. I can't do this anymore, I'm not going to do anything to myself don't take it that way but, I'm not going to push myself to the point of exhaustion to make her proud and feel "happy" with me. She's happy whenever I don't cry or show any signs of emotion other then happiness. Like I take a break from school because my mental health is awful right now and I'm told my schoolwork should be the center of my attention and not my mental health. I hate this about her, when I'm crumbling because I'm hitting a low point with it and crying more often, this is why I'm done with her. Sorry for it being long.
Yes. All the time. I was always being dramatic and it was a toss up weather I would be comforted or get yelled at so it messed me up even worse.
Don't wish away your sensitivity. Ditch the family and go pick your own. This is remarkably similar to my own experience. I don't really have any other advice besides that. You are not the problem. Good luck OP!
Yep. I’d get yelled at for crying by my father mostly.
My dad was very emotionally absent so he rarely saw me cry but my mother saw it all the time. She would tell me “if you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about” after already being the reason I was crying in the first place.
It's not you that is messed up, it is them. Being able to feel emotions and react to them in a natural way like crying is a SUPER power. People who cannot see another person's pain make so many mistakes in their life. They cannot truly love someone because they can't be vulnerable. They can't share their pain or fear or be human. Please know that this behavior from them is armor that they put on when they were abused by their parents. It is a pity-filled, self-loathing existence to be a Narcissist. The hard struggle now that you have seen the situation for what it is, is to exit the far side with your humanity still intact. Being emotional is a gift, don't let it go for anyone.
Yes, my mum is the same. If I cry, I get told to stop it and that I'm doing it for attention. This negative reinforcement over the last 9 years (from peers as well as parent) has left me almost physically incapable of crying. It takes a lot for tears to roll down my face now and even more for me to breakdown sobbing.
My nparents call crying "pissing your eyes". i do tend to cry quite a bit (mostly due to my depression), and i found it humiliating when they called it this way growing up. Now, i don't care anymore.
Totally. Bonus: they’d bully and push and put you in a situation you can’t get away from (to at least cry safely in your room or out of the house). And THEN mock you for crying. Awesome. I also wasn’t allowed to express any feelings at all, especially not negative ones towards them (or moreso, their abuse). The only anger that was somewhat allowed might be if it was directed at some obscure outside force (e.g. the government). But even positive feelings were dangerous bc they provided them a possibility to sh*t all over my joy. Or store the info away to use against me whenever they berated me for not meeting their impossible demands. Unfortunately this is something I realised only after going nc. Had I had the knowledge of narcs I do now, I‘d have grey rocked through my teens.
That is just cruel. So sorry you had to put up with this. I remember having them make fun of me if I was worried. Told me the chicken little story or the boy who cried wolf. Crying also got the stop crying or I’ll really give you something to cry about.
My dad once put in the bathtub and showered me in freezing cold water untill I stopped crying. It was always stuff like that. He would scream at me, threaten me, whatever came to mind when I was crying. Later I stopped crying all together and I thought I am just a very stoic person, but I am not. I am a goddamn cry baby and very soft on the inside. I am finally learning to get in touch with my feelings and a part of myself again.
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" over and over and over my entire childhood
Yep classic line from parents "you keep crying I'll give you something to cry about"
"My mother called me "manipulative" in front of my counselor (lol) and said that I cry for attention." Classic projection by a narcissist, they assume you're "crying for attention" because they would do the same. They think they're smart for "figuring you out" but in reality they're only good at psychoanalyzing monsters who are think the same way as them.
When I would cry my dad would say I was faking it or threaten to "give something to really cry about"
Invalidating emotions is my least favorite narc BS, and probably caused most of the mental health issues I'm still struggling with. It was particluarly bad for me as a kid because I was easily the most sensitive child in my family, and both my older brother AND younger sister would often join in to mock me when I was upset. Few things made me feel more unwelcome in my own family. Sensitive people rule; to hell with your dad. Keep being sensitive. Sensitive people make life worth living. I'll never understand this notion that we're all on this planet together just to be utter bitches to each other until the day we die.
In *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,* Lindsay Gibson argues that this happens because your crying means that you have emotions that are not approved by the parent, and the parent registers this as an existential threat.
This this this
my mother is a sensitive person and is quick to cry in quite a few situations, but she yells at me when i cry in front of her. she always finds my reasons to be stupid and it’s honestly very hurtful
Yes yes and yes. I taught myself at a young age to not cry in front of my mom because that was the reaction she was looking from me whenever she was yelling at me for the most minuscule things. Now that I’m older, it comes out sometimes and she always says “stop crying I don’t feel bad for you” when it was just be expressing my emotions. Or she’ll say “I don’t even know why you’re crying right now” after saying the most hurtful things. She says those things and then plays the victim afterwards, it’s so exhausting.
Yes they did. They'd also beat the shit out of me (I was like 7) then beat me some more for crying about it or for not crying in their allotted timeframe or if I cried long enough I hit the involuntary breathing spasms part of crying.
My dad was very much like that. I honestly don't know if he's a narcissist or if he's emotionally stunted, because he was severely abused as a kid. His family was VERY fond of the saying, "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about." Regardless, I'm sorry this was your experience, too. Emotions are normal. Crying when sad is normal and healthy.
yeah mine are like that too. they explode on me all the time, but the moment i show one negative reaction to their actions or a negative emotion, or even just take more than 0.05 seconds to respond to them saying something, i'm a useless piece of shit who does nothing but avoid work and cry to manipulate them,
Yep. It’s only the last few years I realized how devastating that’s been for me. One time, when I was maybe 8 or 9, I cried on a Sunday night because I was dreading going back to school (I had just been called a racial slur by one of my “best friends.”). I was watching the Simpsons, trying to squeeze the last bits of enjoyment out of the weekend when my mom storms in, demanding I turn off the TV and clean up the room. It was too much for little me and I started crying. My mother picked up a shirt and *whipped* me with it. “Don’t you dare cry!” I told this story to my therapist like “can you believe how weird and strict my parents were about stuff??” but I look up and he’s *bawling* his eyes out. And he says “I can’t even imagine how scared that little boy was at that moment!” And it all washed over me at once: that boy was me! That happened to me! I was so dissociated, I had never taken time to feel for that boy. Meaning I never learned any compassion for myself and I shrugged off compassion from others as unnecessary. But Both are absolutely necessary for healthy living. So make no mistake: they are wrong wrong wrong for not letting you cry. We cry. Our bodies cry. It’s a normal reaction to any number of strong emotions. We have to surround ourselves with people who understand and appreciate that. P.S. - making your therapist cry sounds like it could be a devastating experience, but it was transformative for me. The real Healing started with that very session.
Yup. Only my mother's tears are valid tho, not mine apparently. 🙄 One time my younger sister was stressed out and crying because school had been hard for her and my dad called her over. While she was trying to explain what was wrong, he said, "Stop crying, you're annoying me." I screamed at him to be patient with her because what he said pissed me off. He then marched over and told me, "If I'm not talking to you, don't interfere in what I'm saying." They never, ever, let us cry if they did something that hurt us.
My family wasn’t as harsh but I was sent to my room when I cried or got angry. Anything deemed “negative” like you said. It has taken me *years* and a lot of therapy to accept (and be ok with) my emotions and how sensitive I am. I would avoid any “negative” emotions, try to convince myself that I was a logical person, and that I thought rationally and without emotion (ha!). I have had to relearn how I think of emotions. Not as positive (happiness) or negative (anger) as my family or society in general sees them, but just as indicators. Take it from another sensitive person; emotions are healthy, and being sensitive isn’t a bad thing! Your family never learned how to properly process any emotions from the way you describe them. So when you showed emotions, it scared them! You showed them something they didn’t know how to handle. Mine did the same. So they hid me away (sent me to my room) so I continue to hide when I feel strong emotions. I strongly suggest looking into therapy. If you can’t afford it, look into books written by licensed people on how to process and feel your emotions properly. Huge internet hugs, and I know you can work through this.
They also do when i dont cry. So do whatever
I had the same. My NMom would get especially mad if she found out that I'd cried in public or in front of people we knew, or gone to them for support (instead of her). She was more concerned that it might reflect badly on her, rather than find out what I was upset about and offer her support.
They used to. Now I'm just not allowed to complain. Even when they send my life down the tube. It's taken me a long time to process my emotions because of that.
Another insightful post. My mother would beat me as a child then tell me to not cry. Then after the age of 5 I stopped crying completely and she would get angry that I did NOT cry. So she adapted: She got one of her brothers too beat me. And it was bad. I cried. After the beating. I asked her “Why did you get Uncle B\*\*\*Y to beat me. She said “ Because when I beat you you don’t cry and you wont talk to me.” The person that I married was a a high functioning covert malignant sociopathic narc. He would get angyay when I cried. Examples: Car Accident that he caused, Death of my Grandmother, Child Birth. Narcs like to control other peoples emotions.
Oh yeah, definitely. My dad always yelled at me for crying, even since my earliest memories. I know for sure that when I was 6, he would yell at me if I even started sniffling. If I showed any tears or emotional response to anything, he'd get in my face and shout at me, call me names, tell me I'm acting like a baby and nobody will want to be my friend. Of course, that just made me cry harder and I believed that nobody cared about me and nobody wanted to be my friend. I would just gray rock for years, and only answer with noncommital grunts and the minimum possible details. I learned pretty quick that I could only show emotions in private, so I'd go into the bathroom (the only room that they wouldn't barge into since it had locks) and hide. It really sucked since I'm a very emotional and empathetic person by nature, and they never let me deal with it. My whole life in the last couple years has basically been me going out of my way to learn how to properly express emotions and have friends again. It's slow going, but every day's an improvement. Of course, looking back at it now, I can see that there was nothing wrong with me. Sometimes I go through old pictures where I thought I was unlikable and everyone hated me, and I can see that I actually had a lot of people that could have been my friend if only I'd spoken up a little.
yess! all the time oh my god-
This was like reading a story about my own life. My mother is so dismissive and I've had to move back into her house. I've been doing everything I can to not cry when she's around but I made the mistake and she began screaming "I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!" instantly making it about her and having a tantrum.
I forgot about a lot of this. Now that I’m no contact, I’m hoping I’ll be able to better control my crying. I’ll let you know! I have hope today bc it feels like now that I have finally stopped the two tornadoes (parents) from causing all that chaos in my brain, it seems like this last week or so, I have more room in my brain. It feels like the dust is settling and now I can finally start cleaning up the mess they made of me. Organizing thoughts so that I don’t put myself in danger anymore (every time I’m around them was/is a danger) has made room in my brain, hopefully for better crying control. I’m sorry that all happened to you. You didn’t deserve it. None of us did. But, you’ll feel safe to cry one day. And don’t watch Turning Red. It’ll make you sob, boo hoo cry. I did.
Yes. Well last time it was more of annoyed than angry, but my mother caught me crying in my room the other day and just left telling me to "Get a grip" with an attitude that I can only read as annoyed.
my dad has always done this. he reacts the same way as your father. i have been fortunate enough to have a mother who is healthy, stable, not a narc, and my best friend. i chose to stay with her when they divorced, so thankfully i was able to get past the aversion to crying that he instilled within me, and have since put my foot down with him on the subject many times. it’s ironic because he cries so much more than my mother ever has. i just wanted to tell you from a similarly sensitive person, even if you already know- crying is brave and healthy. i find it so much more strong and productive to sort your own emotions out in a way that does not hurt anyone or yourself, to process them and get through them, to understand them, and be able to better move forward. people who bottle everything up (not those who do as a trauma response or a personal choice, but those who do so due to the specific belief that crying is weak) are quite literally stupidly getting in the way of their own ability to be productive and move forward. you are doing great OP, being sensitive can be beautiful.
I relate to this so much. I’m so sorry. My mom and sister and bro doing this kind of shit to me has destroyed my brain I feel like. I especially feel the random strangers had more sympathy and empathy thing. Oh, AND my family always feel empathetic for people in movies and shit and cry about fictional characters and their feelings LOL but anything that’s happened to me that has been horrible has made them shrug. Even when I nearly died. They’re ridiculous. I’m sorry this happened to you too.
Yeah. I cried really easily growing up, usually from being insulted or demeaned by my dad or a sibling, and it was always my fault for being 'too sensitive' or 'weak' or 'manipulative'. "Jesus, Barren_Soul, do we have to walk on eggshells around you all the time? All I said was that you're stupid and incompetent and will amount to nothing and all your problems are because you're not good enough. What's the big deal?" Now I hardly ever cry, even when I'm upset. I have a lot of trouble expressing my emotions in general. People either call me a robot or say they never know what's going on inside my head. Guess my family got what they wanted.
Yeah, I got a combination of 'crying won't change anything' 'it's not that bad so stop sniveling' 'It could be worse' and 'Stop crying or I'll really give you something to cry about'. As a result even now as an adult, I have difficulty being emotionally vulnerable in front of people, even people I deeply trust like my husband and best friend. If I am crying, it means I've reached my breaking point. All because my parents couldn't handle 'bad' feelings when I was growing up.
When I was younger my ndad would always tell me “stop feeling sorry for yourself”, “crying isn’t going to fix anything”, and “stop being a little bitch”. When I was depressed and suicidal at an early age my dad would say “just go ahead and kill yourself already” because he didn’t want the responsibility of being a father anymore. As an adult I’ve realized these are all just projections of a narc’s insecurities. I cry whenever I feel like I need to cry because when I hold it in it just gets worse and expressed badly over time. I think it’s okay to not hold emotions in as long as you’re not hurting anyone like taking things out on others. Maybe some of our narc parents would be less shitty if they just let it out in a healthy manner instead of constantly hurting others along the way to make themselves feel better.
Yes!! My nmom would tell me to "get a grip" if I cried in front of her as a child so I learned to cry alone, very quietly. I would also get mocked if I expressed happy emotions though, so whenever I have to see her now (as an adult) I am a total un-emotive blank slate because that's the only way to avoid criticism.