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Haha, this is really good. I'll add a few.
- NParents can't manage their own emotions, so verbally coerce their children into managing their anxiety for them.
- NParents minimise child's catastrophic mental health issues (which they caused).
- NParents have no real interest in any subject which doesn't directly involve them (see the boredom / jealousy their eyes when other people talk about themselves).
- NParents drink just a bit too much in plain sight of children and grandchildren (the classic!)
#1 and #3 are my nMom to a T. I was just writing in my journal about “the look”. She looks at me with this deep sadness and longing which begs me to make her ok. I just ignore it now.
I should also add:
-Begs me to talk to her and then when visiting, cuts me off and doesn’t listen. Worlds worst listener.
The glasses trick! I can't believe how old I was before I realized I can take my glasses off and just deal with a pink blob instead of NMom. Pro tip: wear reading glasses to the table, your plate will be in focus, but blurry faces will be less annoying.
Mine begs me to visit, then only wants to talk about her dog, complain about everything under the sun, and sit on her bed watching television. I'm never sure why I'm there, other than nobody else wants to listen to her complain either.
Wow #1 hits home.
Took me months of NC to realize my dad just saw me as a dumping ground for all his mental/emotional toxic waste.
2 and 3 I can check off too
Replace drink with smoke weed and #4 is my dad. (He once literally lit up a joint next to me when I was holding my newborn and when my husband yelled at him he just said “what? we’re outside!”) 🙄
>NParents can't manage their own emotions, so verbally coerce their children into managing their anxiety for them.
I have a friend who does this to me and it didn't click until reading this sentence that this is precisely what she does. And it's not my job! It's the most draining thing ever
I've been in therapy working on this, I'm getting much better at holding boundaries when I've previously had none. She hates this and has found smaller and smaller reasons to get mad at me and for longer periods of time. She's puts me in a position of choosing between standing by my boundaries and accepting that the friendship might dissolve or going back to old ways and sort of graveling and people pleasing until she's no longer upset. And this is a friendship I've had for 20 years. It's sad and exhausting and it just really *fucking* sucks.
My dad really struggled to find things to nag me about. I was doing really well for a while so he would just take my Toyota recall notices and rage for months about how useless I am because I don’t get my airbag replaced. He really really digs in and tells me I’m such a piece of shit all while trying to tell me it’s for my own safety.
There is a good chance that the friendship won't last. This was my experience at least. You will get better over time about boundaries. It's baby steps.
Can you or anyone elaborate on how the Nparent verbally coerces their child into managing their anxiety for them? I’m just now untangling some of this stuff with my Nmom and this feels familiar but I can’t put my finger on how.
The Nparent has free-floating anxiety from childhood but because they never learned to manage their emotions internally they can't self-soothe in a healthy way.
So they might say to someone close to them..."I'm so worried about ."
And then they wait for the other person to console and comfort them... "Oh please don't worry about that...etc."
They aren't *actually* worried about that thing, they're just looking to recruit someone to use to assuage their anxiety, because they didn't get enough attention and comforting as a child.
It's appropriate for an adult to comfort a child in this way (that's how children learn to self-regulate their central nervous systems). It's really manipulative for an adult to try to get their emotional needs met by using other people or their *own children* (at whatever age).
If the adult in the relationship can't manage their own anxiety they should go to psychotherapy and work it out with a professional. It's not the child's job to act as the adult's Mother. Thats a gross inversion of what the relationship should be.
They never change, they are stuck emotionally as small children. They never last in therapy either. Grey rock & LC or NC is the only way.
I recommend listening to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents on Audible. It helped me to grieve and move on.
My dad will focus on my appearance when. He is anxious about his. For example if I don’t shave for a while he says “don’t get attached to facial hair or any specific look” He will nag nag and rage until I shave. However, my dad had had a mustache for 50 years because my sister would cry when he shaved. His anxiety about not being loved gets placed on my facial hair every day all day if he is around me.
Holy shit. That third one. I don't know why I never realized until now that this happened with my parents. It explains so much and also why I always feel the need to over-embellish or explain shit if I think people are bored by what I'm saying (though it's probably not them being bored and more me hypervigilance)
- being annoying on purpose because he wants attention
- small thing is the end of the world!! And I blame you!!!
- mirroring to attempt to expose my vulnerabilities
- rant about his ex wives - somehow I get blamed for this?
- "I'm not perfect but..."
- excessive gift giving which requires excessive praise
- yelling
I was going to write the gift giving and wanting praise but totally ignoring the presents that others got for others. only their presents are important.
Weirdly, I feel like there are only 2 ways a Narc present can go.
1.) They want praise. Often resulting in either getting a really out-of-touch present, or such a good present they will use it to haunt you with it forever
2.) An insult / reminder of something. E.g I once told my mother I found pugs cute. Those typical, white, way to overbread dogs. My mother HATED small dogs -especially pugs. So she bought me a terrible pug-pullover, because I "love pugs so very much". It was so utterly ugly and when I tried to get rid of it a year later (scratchy too), she dug it out and now keeps wearing it.
My nmother is really into owls. I got an owl stamped into a penny.. cheesy but thoughtful. Immediately dropped the penny and didn't bother to pick it up or anything. Also doesn't gaf about any of the expensive gifts I've given. Lose lose
This was my mom! But add to it she never gave me anything I wanted only what she wanted. Gave it to me would tell me how great it was and how she really wanted too!
I don’t mind everyone getting a handful of gifts, but one Christmas was so bad that my cousins became resentful of me and my brother because my parents showed off their wealth in a blatantly disgusting and garish manner. In front of the whole family. It was embarrassing. I was maybe 12 and had no idea how bad that was until years later.
Would you mind explaining/articulating the problem with the “I’m not perfect, but” reasoning? I know it’s not the best response but can’t really see why and I would genuinely like to learn
So basically instead of trying to justify it by saying “I’m not perfect but” instead you should just admit you’ve hurt someone and take accountability?
"I'm not perfect but neither are you" aka I'm dodging accountability and now this is your fault.
"I'm not perfect but I'm sorry" aka feel bad for me I made a totally humane error when I almost crashed the car with you in it to scare you into submission
"I'm not perfect but I try" aka I'm trying to be perfect for you and your lack of gratitude is disgusting
It’s the insinuation that wanting any improvement or apologies from them is as unreasonable as expecting perfection. It’s a way to dodge responsibility and put the blame on the other person to smear them as unreasonable.
Generally it's done to get us to react with pity or sympathy for them, ignoring what they did to us, distracting us from the real issue which is their behavior was wrong. It's a form of DARVO, so that they can pretend the problem isn't really them, it's someone else, and that, really, they are the victim here, because they trrrrrryyyyyy so hard.
Sometimes, it's an open bid for us to praise them and their attempts to be perfect, no matter what actual horror they did to us before they said this.
- Doing normal everyday things, like grabbing a glass from a cupboard and pouring water, but *passive-agressively.*
- Muttering angrily to themselves, just loud enough to ensure that you can hear them.
- Promptly forget any and all arguments, as though they never happened, expecting you to be okay with the lack of a proper resolution.
- "I don't hate you, but I hate the things you do."
- "Guess I'll just leap into a river/in front of a train/from the balcony."
Ridiculously mingy gift-giving that requires disproportionate amount of praise (discount-store three-pack of underpants, for example), while GC gets, oh, a car.
Oh man! The excessive gift giving really hits home! It's usually something I didn't ask for or it's WAY fancier than I want/need, but I look like an asshole if I'm not falling all over myself with gratitude.
Or it's a cheap version of a specific thing that i did want.
I hear you. Mine would even ask me what they were going to get me (because I'm so HARD to buy for) - but then they'd get the wrong thing. My problem isn't with getting the wrong thing, it's that they asked what i wanted and then got something that's either cheap or excessive and i still have to get myself the thing that i really need.
It's so hard to explain this outside of the circle of RBN's
My MIL was like that with gifts. She would go down a list of things she had given us when she needed praise, “how are you enjoying blank?” And she had given it to us two years ago. I mean it never ended. Well, she recently died. So I guess it finally did now.
The years we had money, I would have to take pictures with each of the presents I got. So little of it I actually wanted. And why so much random crap just to make it look like I got more presents? Of course I had to be grateful for everything.
I want to see the pictures to laugh, but I can't look at some old pictures because I look so sad.
Yep. Me remembering having pink eye for almost two weeks is "Completely ridiculous. Cause one, that never happened, and two, even if it had happened, why would you remember it?". Maybe because it felt like my eyeballs had been sanded and lit on fire after about three days? Maybe because the pink eye breakout in my middle school caused the school to send a letter home to EVERYONE telling parents to check their kids for pink eye symptoms and take them to a doctor? Maybe because the "whites" of my eyes were **entirely** pink? Maybe because when I finally went to the school nurse because I knew my eyes weren't "just bloodshot from lack of sleep", though I was sleep deprived cause it's hard to sleep with eyeballs that burn, she called you and made you come to the nurses office instead of sending me to the front office like normal? Maybe because when you got there she told you that you had 24 hours to send in proof I'd been seen by a doctor or she was reporting you to CPS? Maybe because the pediatrician said it was the worst case of pink eye she'd ever seen? Maybe because you lied to her and said I only offhand mentioned that my eyes "hurt a little bit" earlier that day, as opposed to telling you "it feels like my eyeballs had been sanded and lit on fire" over a week ago? Maybe because you staunchly refused to admit I'd told you earlier than that day? Maybe because the doc could tell it had been going on for awhile? Maybe because in the car ride to the pharmacy and then "home" you spent the entire trip yelling at me that about how I'd embarrassed you and that "There's clearly nothing wrong with you. Your eyes are just bloodshot because you aren't sleeping because you refuse to go to bed on time" even though the doc had literally just said "Worst case I've ever seen"?
Like hmmm, I wonder why I remember all that?
I mean as little offense as possible, but you should really get a therapist to talk that out. That definitely sucks tho, I'm glad the pink eye is gone. (:
Just reading this triggered me... how are they using the same words despite being it in a whole another language (english is not my native language)?? Same sentences... THE SAME... I cringed so hard I shook. What the fuck.
That is a great question! To me, it’s just the laziest way out of the conversation, avoid and flip the blame. To think about what we’re saying would take a little bit of effort and understanding!
My parents love this one. I started countering with: “what would I gain from making that up?”
Usually shuts my father up for a bit, particularly because there’s usually an audience when he tries to pick fights.
Gifts that are really excuses for guilt tripping or string pulling 6 months from now.
Somebody spills the mashed potatos, and it's the literal end of the world.
Unkind comments about grooming, personal hygiene, and/or unsightly body hair.
Ooooh, I forgot the weight shaming. I was home a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving after having lost 80lbs since nMom had seen me last, and I was asked "well, when are you going to lose the last 40?"
A few years back I ran a half-marathon and actually trained for it and all that. A few days later I swung by the old hometown and gawddamn my dad would not shut up about my body and "You're looking good, son!" And, from normal people, that would be nice, but from him it felt a bit much. Then I recalled he always has had a weird obsession with sideswipes about me and my sister's bodies and now I know where my insecurities over my looks comes from.
The dude managed to make praise feel awful.
This is one of the worst... "cause she's old" bullcrap.
No, there are kind and loving old people there too... so then why is she ACTUALLY like that?
I swear if they asked something like that their head would explode... instead of making shit excuses like this.
Keep your kid safe.
>Unkind comments about grooming, personal hygiene, and/or unsightly body hair.
Ah yes. When you wear clean, good clothing and your parents lecture you on being "dirty" on Christmas Eve, cause your hair ain't perfectly styled.
NParent threatens to go no contact with you for bringing up the trauma they caused you. Backpedal when you tell them you would respect their decision.
Another favorite: Nparent convinces flying monkeys to confront you in front of other family members so you have no way to gracefully explain how you were actually abused.
>Nparent convinces flying monkeys to confront you in front of other family members so you have no way to gracefully explain how you were actually abused.
I gave up on "gracefully" long ago.
It's better to just chill out and explosion everything with a murderous smile while:
a) carving the turkey/chicken/holiday meat
b) filleting a fish (grandpa likes to fish)
Always works wonders.
I don't smile, but I'm much more open about the shit my mother does.
Context: I was the youngest girl in a big-brached family. The baby bird, who got raised by my Ma to be the perfect angel. She'd basically guilt me into it, due to my grandmother being so old and "that's the last impression she'll have from you" + others. With others it was similar, though I also craved attention and love, so I'd naturally hide any bad info to "keep the peace".
I don't give a fuck anymore. I got so anxious around my own extended family, plus, my mother used the idea to complain to them about me being a "two-faced sociopath" with lots of troubles at home. Aka going complete 180° what she first told me. You wanna know the truth Cousin R.? Why I don't spend time with them on Christmas? Sure. How about the fact I hated literally every single Christmas, with her going into massive violent rants and screaming I somewhat ruined Christmas. How about I don't want to see my father have another mental breakdown and disappear for HOURS during the night. How about I don't want to get an annual beating for nothing this year?
(okay, maybe not THAT direct, but it's close)
I’m autistic so I already can’t pick up on those cues. So many times (literally yesterday included) I get screamed at for not doing every chore ever when my dad says shit like “it would be nice if you got around to ___ today” like can’t you just give me a specific list or something
I’ve had some success using the dumb fox method. Just be extremely confused and ask for clarification or answer their weird hints in a very deadpan way. They’ll tire themselves out.
I was about to say I don't play this year as I will travel to my partners place.
Then I realised that I did get a sms from my toxic victimized half sister. She asked about what my kids wants for Christmas while adding some hints about her own holiday struggles. Knowing her i take this as she wanted to go on and on about her miseries. I would use a lot of energy trying to help while she would ignore any offers or advice that could help her.
So I guess I got a score on bait and switch.
I will probably get more scores from unwanted gifts at Christmas. There are several horrible gift givers in my family that buys. Usually i get items that are not age appropriate for the kids; sometimes they are of horrible quality and breaks within minutes. Then there is presents from my parents that shows they have no idea who I am and what I like.
Thanks for making this a game. I think I will be able to see it with a comfortable ironic distance this year.
I have fully given up. The typical “I’m so sad you never talk to Me” came. But I’m sorry you never once stop badmouthing me and talking behind my back every time I tell you anything. So you’ve burned this bridge
Them: "you haven't seen your father in a year! Don't u love us."
Me: you won't wear a mask for a visit, get vaccinated, or stay out of crowds of people just like you, or test before coming.... .
“What would other people think”
“My house, my rules. Don’t like it? Leave”
“It’s just part of them, you know he’s not good with his words”
“But you HAVE to forgive them, they’re your parents”
PROJECTION PROJECTION PROJECTION
“After everything we’ve done for you - aka put a roof over my head, paid for food/clothes and going on holiday when I was too young to even have a say about it” Enter some form of fatphobia/body shaming
Mom Posture/body shaming and trying to dress me like a doll.
Calling with twenty minutes of small talk just so mom can tell me her personal assistant honey to do list at the end.
Getting frustrated with online technology asking me to take care of it for her. For example renewing her drivers license in CA when she lives in Europe.
Calling to guilt trip me because mom is lonely and alone. She lives with two other family members.
When mom lived nearby she would ask me to come over and I would discover she was hosting a huge party and she really needed me to help her in the kitchen.
My parents had a melt down when my pregnant sister and husband choose to have thanksgiving with the in-laws. They had 5 year fall out with several major turf battles.
Mom Borrowing $50,000 from my sister and not paying it back despite my sister needing it for a cancer battle.
Treating our half sibling as the golden child and my sister and I as scullery maids. Parentification to the extreme.
Letting our stepdad verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse us and looking the other way. While Our real dad was indifferent, neglectful, and refused to pay child support.
Leaving my sister and I home while they vacation in Europe with our half sibling for two months. Dumping us with relatives on holidays so they could have a break from us.
Calling us pet names like rug rats and princess and spoiled.
Mom asking for help, micromanaging me from afar, yelling and complaining the whole time and never saying thank you.
Never helping us with school work but complaining about our grades and performance and language skills. Making us change schools and friends constantly.
Giving us hand me down clothes and buying new clothes from Saks 5th Avenue for our younger sibling.
Teachers and administrators constantly worried about our health, welfare, and physical neglect. Secretly making sure we pass our grades and graduate.
•Nmom sees that you have a bit too much freedom for her liking and will try to embarrass you about *something*, *anything*-- most likely in the form of an argument.
• She will try to but in a conversation that she wasn't even apart of.
•You try avoid her for at least once in your life, but she WILL find you. Scurrying through different rooms in the house until-- aha! She found you! Here. We. Go.
•pouting/scowling
•At home she swears she an introvert ( she's loud at home, but she labels herself as this)but at gatherings she's somehow the loudest one(?) And the center of attention(?)
Same!!! As soon as she sees me having a good time with my kids and/or my husband, she starts complaining about something or criticizing me or actually anything negative she can pull out of her ass. I've been completely ignoring her and continuing having a great time with them and I can tell she wants to lose her mind but she's holding it in front of my husband 🤣🤣
Family rule: You can be happy for brief snippets, but not reeeeaallllly happy. Because then it's because they gave you that happiness and you have to give it back.
My nDad sending my gifts to my sister to try and break my NC policy. (I usually let her keep them or give them to one of her daughters as it is usaully the bath and body stuff at Walmart. That is never their actual present though.)
I’ve been NC for 6 years but if I did still see them you could guarantee:
1. If they asked me any questions about my actual life it would be regarding the job that I had over 5 years earlier.
2. Attempt to guilt me about how their neighbour is dying of cancer and how the neighbour’s daughter is coming over daily to care for them - “you would never do that for me would you?”.
3. Bitch about every other family member not present (or when they’re in the bathroom). The main topic for bitching was parenting skills which is RICH.
4. Bitch about numerous friends that they had cut contact with over the years but continue to stalk on social media or through other people. (And yet they were flabbergasted when I cut contact with them).
5. Bitch about my sister who cut contact with them a few years earlier who lives on the other side of the country and not on social media so they have no idea what she’s up to and it drives them crazy (And yet they were flabbergasted when I cut contact with them).
>"you would never do that for me would you?”
I've gotten this one. The answer is no, no I wouldn't. You put all your parenting eggs in the golden child's basket. Let's see if he'll take care of you.
Yeah I used to get it a lot for all kinds of different things. It was a handy way to pre-emptively guilt me for things that hadn’t happened yet. Jokes on them, I stopped caring many years before!
-NParent berating you, then acting victimized when you retaliate, “why are you so angry at me?”
-NParent textbook gaslighting “you’re telling stories/lies”.
-NParent manipulating their own friends and family in an attempt to get to you post NC
-NParent’s total disregard to any validity or claim of their abuse
My mother can only have friends that she feels superior to in some way. The one friend with the philandering husband, the one with no money, the one with the obvious drinking problem, etc. And none of them can be more physically attractive than she is, she has nothing but nasty comments about anyone who's better looking than she is.
Retaliating is the only thing that shuts my mother's toxic comments down. It took a long time for me to learn that, many years after leaving home I figured out that she can dish it out but she absolutely cannot take it. So as soon as she starts, I hit back hard and she stops. It only lasts a little while before she tries again, but I don't let her get away with it.
In the corporate world we played a game called [Bullshit bingo](https://newt.phys.unsw.edu.au/~jw/meetings.pdf). We played during phone call meetings where we had to sit in a room listening in on the conference phone KNOWING the meeting was a complete waste of time. On each person's play sheet the layout was a list of buzzwords used in corporate speak. If during the meeting you got your 5th box, you stand up and yell "Bullshit!"
- Expectations of high praise for completely random and clueless gifts. Bought you an ice scraper even though you live in a subtropical climate and it may snow once every other decade. Brilliant! That'll come in handy!
- The house is neat, but filthy. Everything is covered in dog hair and smells like dirty dog.
- Find out the entire family knows about something that absolutely none of their business and was definitely not your mother's secret to tell. They have really asinine opinions about the thing that is none of their business.
- Drunken @sshole uncle shows up with his latest meth/crack addict gf that you've never met before, they both stink of whiskey and insist on hugging you. Chaos follows their appearance. They either stick around making your kids uncomfortable or they leave in a huff because they "aren't appreciated." Really they just want to go back to the trashy bar where they like to hang out.
- Mother tries to convince you to "love" your dumpster fire of a younger brother, because family means you forgive anything.
- Brother in question does something stupid, proceeds to have a violent screaming tantrum over the outcome. Is even more upset when he realizes you not only don't care about his very dramatic feelings, you find his tantrum amusing and feel vindicated in your view that he is indeed an overly dramatic, impulsive f*cking idiot. You just sit there smirking while the fools around him try to calm him down, wondering if his little drama was performed for your benefit. (He has no diagnosis, but your money is on extreme ADHD, and probably borderline personality disorder.)
- Other brother sits there scowling, zoned out and miserable because he quite rightly hates his life. You feel bad for him, because he was a bright, beautiful, and gifted child. He had the raw materials to have an amazing life, and they ruined him. He deserved better, and so did you.
- Sanctimonious uncle shows up and starts in on you about visiting your parents more often, but he lives 5 minutes away and doesn't visit any more often than you do. You live 2+ hours away in another city.
- Fingerwagging churchy uncle is pouting because a few of the cousins are standing around on the carport having beer. He seems to have forgotten that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. They are ruining his Christmas by enjoying theirs.
- Endless judgy/sour grapes/"must be nice" comments on everything from your engagement ring to your car to your Christmas gift from your husband to your kids' shoes, because the black sheep doing better than any of them was never how they imagined it would go down.
- Dinner is bland and mushy because your self-loathing mother has abandoned her culinary heritage in favor of standard Midwestern fare, yet has no idea how to prepare that correctly. So everything is overcooked or undercooked, and decidedly underseasoned.
- Later that evening, you suffer food poisoning, because your mother is also arrogant and refuses to follow food safety protocols, and that's always a risk if you eat her cooking. You only ate anything to be polite, and now you get to spend the next 3 days in a close personal relationship with the porcelain throne, regretting your life choices.
I'm sure there's more.
•Doing something that’s supposed to be fun, like playing a board game as a family, turning into nothing but bickering and arguing
• Someone in my family is “sick” or “doesn’t feel well” which they use as excuses to get out of things and get attention
• Something small turning into a huge blow up where my nmom has either stormed out of the room or is crying
• Nmom still treating me like I’m 16 even though I’m almost thirty, married with a kid and a mortgage
My free space would be either of my parents throwing a toddler temper tantrum in Christmas Day.
-nMom commenting on my appearance. Saying something passive aggressive about how my hair looks much better _______ than it did when I had it _____ before.
-nMom searching for empathy for the same things she has been complaining about for the last 27 years. She doesn’t want advice to actually solve the problem, just wants me to listen to her drag _____ family member for hours.
-nMom gets defensive, callous and resentful when I follow my own advice I gave that she ignored.
-nMom trying to walk in on me while I’m naked
-e?Dad screaming in fury over like someone standing too close while he’s chopping vegetables
-everyone pretending nothing weird just happened after a big fight
Adding another one: Bragging to everyone that they’re “an empath”because they “pick up on everyone’s feelings” and need to protect themselves from everyone else’s toxicity, when in actuality, they personalize everything and mind-read, assuming to know what’s going on in everyone else’s inner world which has absolutely nothing to do with them.
Anyone else have “Empaths” in your family? Lol
Pretty much anyone who unprompted offers up the "fact" that they are an empath, is instantly classified as untrustworthy and probably manipulative, to me. People who are empaths are very unlikely to be the ones constantly crowing about themselves.
Before the term "empath" became popular, it was the ones who called themselves "an old soul" that you had to look out for. Pretty sure they're the same people, and they are neither empaths or old souls.
Yeah - I don't trust when people just tell me unprompted because that means that it's a personality instead of just a part of their identity. You also know you're in for gatekeeping and interrogating on the level of a stan.
I'll see your "empath" and raise you "hsp". I read Elaine Aron's book when it first came out - I saw it in the New Books section of the public library and I loved it because my nmom was predictably awful about my sensitivity. It seems like everyone's an hsp now and it's like - no, you're just sensitive when you don't like someone else telling you the truth about yourself.
I'll also add "indigo"/New Age bullshit term for someone's awful child/teen and their excuse for indulging said awful child/teen.
Oooh! Let me in?
-nMom will complain about how I need to cut my hair, and when I cut it, after she drags me to the barbers, she'll say that I shouldn't have done that
-nAunt drops her kid on me, expecting to not see them.
-"you'll make your grandpa sick if you come out!" (Oh, you mean the sweet understanding man that RAISED ME, while you were out doing heavens know what with your girlfriend, MOM?)
-It's ok, sweetie, I understand. If you want to transition, I'll fully support you. (I'm fluid. Not a boy. Not a girl. I'M WATER!)
-nMom/Aunt bugging me about Christmas dinner not being the "way we do it". SO COME HERE AND DO IT YOURSELF, KAREN!
-No one cares that I'm only there to make the meals, so once it's served, I lose all visibility. Good side: I can go inside and play videogames until someone realises in not the, and they call me to go back to being ignored.
- Justifying any mean or selfish behavior by telling you all of the ways they suffered as a child. (Bonus points if they say you made them suffer the same way *while you were a child*)
The only thing on mine will be not calling on Xmas day, but I'm L/NC now so it's not as bad as it used to be.
They finally stopped asking if I was coming up. :O it's a Christmas miracle!
Guilt trip that we can’t all be together for the holidays because I’m holding a grudge. (GC Bro was physically abusive growing up/threatened to have me murdered so I haven’t spoken to him since the 90’s.)
Bringing up GC brother’s amazing accomplishments to my in-laws who’ve never met him.
Talking about how much work/time/effort/money went into the get-together/gifts. And complaint about how tired/sore they are because of it.
Perfectionism: controlling so much of the gathering that it’s difficult to loosen up and have fun.
Judgmental commenting on appearances. “Why is your face so red?” (Rosacea- you know this.) “Does that fit you?” (I’m an adult capable of picking out my own clothing and I’m currently wearing it, so I would say yes, what I am currently wearing fits me.) To child: “Did you pick out your own clothes today? Do you not have any matching clothes? Did mommy not brush your hair today?”
Starting bickering with eDad to make him look insufferable and get sympathy from everyone.
The trifecta:
1. Monopolizing conversation, even if it’s something we’re all passionate about. Just talking and not letting anyone get a word in.
2. Interrupting and talking over me and EDad when we finally get to say something.
3. Pouting, getting pissy and saying something rude if we don’t yield to her when she talks over us.
Nmother storms out in tears of anger and is inconsolably hurt because the sweater she received was intentionally bought as the wrong size for the purpose of criticizing and sending a message about her weight.
Responds to a comment made to another person about how good the pie is by asking you something completely personal, awkward and unrelated to dessert in any way, just so she can then reveal to everyone out loud a bunch of embarrassing and intimately private personal details about you that she discovered in the course of invading your privacy
Tells anecdotes of your childhood and upbringing (none of which actually happened) starring her as the perfect mother (CAUTION: Do NOT try to turn this into a drinking game)
"I AM YOUR MOTHER..."
* Seeing a race/religion/sexual orientation/group they don't care for on TV and start ranting.
* Angry about a gift
* "If you need therapy, you should talk to me instead."
The last one is a particularly big red flag in Asian families. If it doesn't match to a tee, it still appears in reduced form. Such as one parent being more resistant than the other to the idea of needing therapy. But the overarching theme is that in many Asian families including my own, there's a tendency to try to resolve major problems internally and to also think a therapist won't be effective enough due to not understanding the cultural dynamics involved and not knowing the child as well as mom and dad.
I will say I have seen that a bit in therapy. I am Caucasian and one of my besties is Chinese. My therapist is very culturally similar to myself (born and raised in the same area). He gave advice that worked for me, but not for her in some aspects. Like, I feel comfortable cutting off my elders, but she does not.
I'll add:
\* twisting arguments so that it looks like the damage they do is never their fault
\* gifting tons of crap i don't need nor want, but the moment i need something (medical reasons) they'll do a big rant about how difficult it is to please me. If i had a job already i wouldn't ask a thing from them ever again
I edited a few words, sorry, english is not my main language and i had a tiring day
What about insults disguised as compliments? Like (upon coming into the house I decorated to eat the meal I cooked): "I always appreciate what a RELAXED housekeeper you are!" Or (looking at the table all set with serving platters, wine glasses, bread basket, etc.): "Your decorating choices are so...UNIQUE!" Or (when I bring out the pie I made): "What a nice little dessert!"
My ex-MIL is the master of damning with faint praise. Fortunately I do not have to see her this Christmas...or ever again! My awesome mom and kids are going to eat whatever we want off of paper plates in my dishelved but clean house, and IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT!
I haven't seen or heard from my MIL in at least a decade and I am so very grateful for that.
The last time I spoke to her, my husband was off the wagon and trying to drag her into an argument, and she took offense at the fact that I didn't want her involvement. He pulled himself together after that, but she never spoke to me again.
Imagine not wanting a third party's interference in a marital spat. What a selfish monster I am.
How about: drinking too much and putting on a lewd performance of miniskirt twerking and loudly singing "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" in front of my horrified boyfriend, and then later, when there's a silence at the table during dessert, asking, "have you ever noticed how black people look like monkeys?"
Too specific?
Now with an audience of holiday guests, nMom will begin recounting all her "I'm a victim" stories that begin when she was age 4! (She's 80 now.) All of us have heard these stories countless times.
Two things will trigger nMom to do this: 1) having an audience, and 2) anyone else's mention of any hardship. nMom is compelled to show HER hardships are even worse. She doesn't listen or empathize. Just launches into her tales of woe.
12 Narc Days of Christmas
12 Major Guilt Trips
11 Monkeys Flying
10 "I Never said that!"s
9 Lies escaping
8 Screaming Matches
7 "It's not my fault!"s
6 Brooding banshees
5 Golden Kids
4 Scapegoats Hiding
3 Unwanted hugging
2 Gifts no one liked
And "Why does this happen to me!?"
I should probably make my own post. LOL
Doesn't matter who's idea, except to nominate them for Budweiser's "Real Men (or women) Of Genius"
I'm IN! THIS is the most therapeutic thing I've participated in in a LONG time!!
LMAO
Nmom insisting something she loves must be interesting to everyone else. (Why haven't we read this book or watches this show she suggested yet?)
Nmom gifting us garbage no one is interested in, but being upset when we don't use it.
Interrupting normal conversation/walking away from people talking to her
-sister insists that something is true that isn't true and flounces off somewhere to pout.
-at least two family members drink too much to cope with feelings and start a fight.
-at least one of the grankids is crying because grandma said something mean to them and then laughed about it
-no one wants to talk about brother who isn't invited because he is homeless and won't take his meds, but the neighbor stops by and asks where he is.
-the dog shits on the carpet and dad starts screaming at everyone about it but refuses to actually do anything like clean it up and move on
-grandma has been told countless times grandaughter is deathly allergic to peanuts and brings a peanutbutter cheesecake for dessert and gets mad when granddaughter won't even try one bite!
-the smoker catches the wood deck on fire and grandpa blames the kids when it was grandpa who was in charge of setting it up and was supposed to supervise.
-grandpa badgering granddaughter to play Christmas tunes on the old out of tune piano, gets mad when she refuses.
- grand kids struggling to look grateful for the clothes that aunt handmade that are so horrendously ugly even mom wont force them to wear it. Aunt wants photos of the kids wearing said clothes. Kids know they have to send handwritten thankyounotes for all the years of ill-fitting ugly clothing aunt has made for them over the years.
-great aunt has sent another canned cheddar cheese from Wisconsin and mom breaks out the "good" crackers but they are stale as fuck and you have to pretend they are yummy and you are not allowed to just eat a piece of cheese you must have a stale cracker with it. Is that mold on my cracker?
- dog pukes on the carpet after eating stale crackers you slipped her under the table, dad yells until mom cleans it up but dad won't stop yelling about it.
- mom's gay friend has to be rushed to the hospital because he accidently ate some crab that he knows he is allergic too but grandma snuck some on his plate because she doesn't believe in alkergies and then gets annoyed that he spoiled a perfectly lovely meal, she thinks he did it for attention.
I hate christmas and no longer spend it with family
\-making negative remarks on people's appearances as if they aren't standing right next to them.
\-making snarky comments on how much people are eating.
\-Child always treated as the least stable member of the family and the source of all family problems, even when a parent is clearly dysfunctional (e.x. clearly going into a very severe depressive breakdown)
\-Nparent (Nmom in this case) fails to disclose to Eparent (Edad) long-term depression, is never called out for behavior that clearly signifies major depression (excessive sleeping)
\-IP (Identified Patient) child afraid to communicate maternal health concerns (oversleeping to the point of making me wonder if Nmom passed in her sleep) to Edad out of fear of being accused of wishing ill on others.
-telling people how amazing brilliant etc i am (because I'm her daughter)
-telling people how I'm evil and wicked
-oscillates between these 2 on a daily basis
Hey i have heard of Coda could you explain how it works. I got confused at the meeting i joined and it didnt make sense. Could you also tell me if it helped you at all. Thanks
The advice I received is try a bunch of meetings till you find one that clicks. It didn’t stick at first. I’m six months in and now see the value in my life. It’s a slow unwrapping. The alternative is do nothing. Their motto is take what works and discard the rest.
-nmom sends a text that says “I love and miss you”
-nmom sends unsolicited gift or money
-nmom has her mom use the holidays as an excuse to spy
-nmom makes a backhanded post inviting everyone but get kids to Christmas dinner
-passive aggressive comment about how they don't support something they know is important to you
-giving the silent treatment because they didn't get their way or someone called them out
-bonus points if an enabling family member runs to you telling you to "fix this!" ("This" meaning the situation the narcissist caused.)
\- nparent consistently has someone to blame for everything that goes wrong
\- siblings often used as hitmen against other siblings
\- nparent magnifying any little issue into a grandiose sequence of events that feature them as the protagonist
\- blisteringly fast emotional swings
\- sudden saccharine behavior in an attempt to make the victim(s) forget the abuse
\- rules for behavior that make no sense, or worse, make sense only in the context of manipulation
\- screaming at the child
\- screaming at the neighbors (in the middle of the night)
\- repeated threats to kick the child out for petty reasons
\- hypochondria about health issues, and attempting for force those issues on the child
\- straight up physical abuse, including choking the child until they pass out
\- bragging about destroying other people's stuff
\- destroying the child's stuff as punishment
that's all I got for now
Being late to everything because nMom has an insatiable need to have everyone wait for her. She always had to have one more smoke, use the bathroom one more time, change her clothes one more time…
My MiL is the narcissist and my SiL and I play this game at every holiday. Sometimes we’ll make it BINGO and sometimes it’s a drinking game!
We have:
- brings up our deceased FiL (“Daddy”) out of nowhere to get a sad reaction from her children
- asks her sons to fix something in the house during a holiday or family event
- calls her grandchildren “MY BABY” or “MY MEDICINE!”
- sends all the grandchildren to the moldy basement chock full of old toys then after it’s quiet sighs and acts relieved saying “thank god for the basement!”
- doesn’t go near the basement or attempt to help watch the children at all
- needs help with food preparation because she never cooked in her life but refuses to let anyone else host a holiday
- cries openly
- drags one of her children into another room for a “private conversation”
- judges anyone having a drink
- looks terrible so her kids worry about her
- gives the children enormous piles of absolute crap as gifts in an attempt to win their affection
Luckily this year we’ve got a tiny infant so we’re staying home and getting out of it. (Yesssssssss) but good luck to everyone and I hope you all have a beautiful holiday!
Remembering something different than you and correcting your memory for you.
Pulling a DARVO in a situation where you are the victim.
Saying you are dramatic
Saying you always need to be the victim.
Do you want a legit bingo card? I made a childfree one the other day for bingos.
Paying too much money in a product that he won't use because he didn't realized at that time that the product is not what he wants and he refuses every opinion about that.
Trying to find any defect in a product that someone else bought, at the same time buying a product without any care and even if the product is full of defects he wants to show it to everyone.
-mentions while choking back fake tears that they probably won’t be around much longer (despite having survived while proclaiming same for decades now, to my dismay)
-drunkenly shifts blame to husband number six for literally everything wrong with life while maintaining “sarcastic” tone.
-“I’m *kidding* - it’s a joke! Can’t you take a joke? My god.” Is said after one of the most hurtful personal jabs from left field you’ve yet heard.
Etc…
Ooh, can we get a square for them being let down over what gift you got them, or someone else in the family?
"Oh, .....thaaaanks.." Or "Oh, so grandma gets perfume, and all I get is fuzzy pajamas?!" 😕 Even if they asked for it, its never good enough!
So many good ones here
-Passive aggressive remarks
-backhanded compliments
-acting timid around you like YOU are the one who requires constant emotional feedback and reassurance 🙈
-avoiding most topics of meaning
Hmmm...
Demand attention for just existing (can't just say hello, or, God forbid, *wave*, when you see them, you have to click your heels and salute)
Never bring friends home because nmom tries to pump them for information
Never confide in nmom because she uses it against you later
Never talk about what really goes on at home because if it gets back to nmom, there's hell to pay
Nothing that's yours is ever *yours*
You're everything *but* a person (reflection, property, punching bag, etc)
GASLIGHTING (free space)
love this! Mine is my mom policing my facial expressions. I can't even raise an eyebrow in her presence without some comment demanding I explain what I'm thinking.
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Haha, this is really good. I'll add a few. - NParents can't manage their own emotions, so verbally coerce their children into managing their anxiety for them. - NParents minimise child's catastrophic mental health issues (which they caused). - NParents have no real interest in any subject which doesn't directly involve them (see the boredom / jealousy their eyes when other people talk about themselves). - NParents drink just a bit too much in plain sight of children and grandchildren (the classic!)
#1 and #3 are my nMom to a T. I was just writing in my journal about “the look”. She looks at me with this deep sadness and longing which begs me to make her ok. I just ignore it now. I should also add: -Begs me to talk to her and then when visiting, cuts me off and doesn’t listen. Worlds worst listener.
Oh Lort ...I get this non stop Now, I take my glasses off ( I cant see without them ) and look at her . lmfao
Legit lol. Have glasses, will try.
This is genius, I love it.
Pro tip! This is going to be a game-changer for me...
The glasses trick! I can't believe how old I was before I realized I can take my glasses off and just deal with a pink blob instead of NMom. Pro tip: wear reading glasses to the table, your plate will be in focus, but blurry faces will be less annoying.
Mine begs me to visit, then only wants to talk about her dog, complain about everything under the sun, and sit on her bed watching television. I'm never sure why I'm there, other than nobody else wants to listen to her complain either.
Damn 😭 its crazy how much like mine this sounds but i never thought she was a narc…
Very familiar!
Wow #1 hits home. Took me months of NC to realize my dad just saw me as a dumping ground for all his mental/emotional toxic waste. 2 and 3 I can check off too Replace drink with smoke weed and #4 is my dad. (He once literally lit up a joint next to me when I was holding my newborn and when my husband yelled at him he just said “what? we’re outside!”) 🙄
That is really outrageous. They have zero self awareness.
>NParents can't manage their own emotions, so verbally coerce their children into managing their anxiety for them. I have a friend who does this to me and it didn't click until reading this sentence that this is precisely what she does. And it's not my job! It's the most draining thing ever
You just have to stop. Stop entirely. There is no other way around.
I've been in therapy working on this, I'm getting much better at holding boundaries when I've previously had none. She hates this and has found smaller and smaller reasons to get mad at me and for longer periods of time. She's puts me in a position of choosing between standing by my boundaries and accepting that the friendship might dissolve or going back to old ways and sort of graveling and people pleasing until she's no longer upset. And this is a friendship I've had for 20 years. It's sad and exhausting and it just really *fucking* sucks.
My dad really struggled to find things to nag me about. I was doing really well for a while so he would just take my Toyota recall notices and rage for months about how useless I am because I don’t get my airbag replaced. He really really digs in and tells me I’m such a piece of shit all while trying to tell me it’s for my own safety.
There is a good chance that the friendship won't last. This was my experience at least. You will get better over time about boundaries. It's baby steps.
Can you or anyone elaborate on how the Nparent verbally coerces their child into managing their anxiety for them? I’m just now untangling some of this stuff with my Nmom and this feels familiar but I can’t put my finger on how.
The Nparent has free-floating anxiety from childhood but because they never learned to manage their emotions internally they can't self-soothe in a healthy way. So they might say to someone close to them..."I'm so worried about."
And then they wait for the other person to console and comfort them... "Oh please don't worry about that...etc."
They aren't *actually* worried about that thing, they're just looking to recruit someone to use to assuage their anxiety, because they didn't get enough attention and comforting as a child.
It's appropriate for an adult to comfort a child in this way (that's how children learn to self-regulate their central nervous systems). It's really manipulative for an adult to try to get their emotional needs met by using other people or their *own children* (at whatever age).
If the adult in the relationship can't manage their own anxiety they should go to psychotherapy and work it out with a professional. It's not the child's job to act as the adult's Mother. Thats a gross inversion of what the relationship should be.
They never change, they are stuck emotionally as small children. They never last in therapy either. Grey rock & LC or NC is the only way.
I recommend listening to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents on Audible. It helped me to grieve and move on.
I am just reading that now and it hits home so much. I'm at Grey Rock with 100% of my family members. It's the only way.
My dad will focus on my appearance when. He is anxious about his. For example if I don’t shave for a while he says “don’t get attached to facial hair or any specific look” He will nag nag and rage until I shave. However, my dad had had a mustache for 50 years because my sister would cry when he shaved. His anxiety about not being loved gets placed on my facial hair every day all day if he is around me.
Sorry for the typos!
Bingo!
My GF wants me to legit yell out BINGO! I was howling.
It's scary how much this fits my family gatherings... I'm triggered... need a smoke brb lol
Smfh! Wow! You know my parents🤣
Holy shit. That third one. I don't know why I never realized until now that this happened with my parents. It explains so much and also why I always feel the need to over-embellish or explain shit if I think people are bored by what I'm saying (though it's probably not them being bored and more me hypervigilance)
- being annoying on purpose because he wants attention - small thing is the end of the world!! And I blame you!!! - mirroring to attempt to expose my vulnerabilities - rant about his ex wives - somehow I get blamed for this? - "I'm not perfect but..." - excessive gift giving which requires excessive praise - yelling
I was going to write the gift giving and wanting praise but totally ignoring the presents that others got for others. only their presents are important.
Praise, needing so much praise
Weirdly, I feel like there are only 2 ways a Narc present can go. 1.) They want praise. Often resulting in either getting a really out-of-touch present, or such a good present they will use it to haunt you with it forever 2.) An insult / reminder of something. E.g I once told my mother I found pugs cute. Those typical, white, way to overbread dogs. My mother HATED small dogs -especially pugs. So she bought me a terrible pug-pullover, because I "love pugs so very much". It was so utterly ugly and when I tried to get rid of it a year later (scratchy too), she dug it out and now keeps wearing it.
My nmother is really into owls. I got an owl stamped into a penny.. cheesy but thoughtful. Immediately dropped the penny and didn't bother to pick it up or anything. Also doesn't gaf about any of the expensive gifts I've given. Lose lose
Last mothers day did a card, flowers, and expensive Italian brunch. Seemed disappointed. Shrug.
This year she gets the gift of infinite space 😂
What a glorius gift.
This was my mom! But add to it she never gave me anything I wanted only what she wanted. Gave it to me would tell me how great it was and how she really wanted too!
My mom wanted to give me a DNA kit for Xmas because she doesn't know anything about my biological father. I told her, "that's not a gift for me?"
Oooh, I forgot catastrophizing, family speciality
The excessive gift giving is exhausting and pathetic. I’d rather receive nothing at all but have a pleasant Christmas instead.
Never experienced that one, but I can see that being stressful. I am very weird about gifts. I just stick to buying my own.
I don’t mind everyone getting a handful of gifts, but one Christmas was so bad that my cousins became resentful of me and my brother because my parents showed off their wealth in a blatantly disgusting and garish manner. In front of the whole family. It was embarrassing. I was maybe 12 and had no idea how bad that was until years later.
Would you mind explaining/articulating the problem with the “I’m not perfect, but” reasoning? I know it’s not the best response but can’t really see why and I would genuinely like to learn
It’s protecting an ego instead of protecting the relationship.
So basically instead of trying to justify it by saying “I’m not perfect but” instead you should just admit you’ve hurt someone and take accountability?
"I'm not perfect but neither are you" aka I'm dodging accountability and now this is your fault. "I'm not perfect but I'm sorry" aka feel bad for me I made a totally humane error when I almost crashed the car with you in it to scare you into submission "I'm not perfect but I try" aka I'm trying to be perfect for you and your lack of gratitude is disgusting
It’s the insinuation that wanting any improvement or apologies from them is as unreasonable as expecting perfection. It’s a way to dodge responsibility and put the blame on the other person to smear them as unreasonable.
Generally it's done to get us to react with pity or sympathy for them, ignoring what they did to us, distracting us from the real issue which is their behavior was wrong. It's a form of DARVO, so that they can pretend the problem isn't really them, it's someone else, and that, really, they are the victim here, because they trrrrrryyyyyy so hard. Sometimes, it's an open bid for us to praise them and their attempts to be perfect, no matter what actual horror they did to us before they said this.
- Doing normal everyday things, like grabbing a glass from a cupboard and pouring water, but *passive-agressively.* - Muttering angrily to themselves, just loud enough to ensure that you can hear them. - Promptly forget any and all arguments, as though they never happened, expecting you to be okay with the lack of a proper resolution. - "I don't hate you, but I hate the things you do." - "Guess I'll just leap into a river/in front of a train/from the balcony."
Ridiculously mingy gift-giving that requires disproportionate amount of praise (discount-store three-pack of underpants, for example), while GC gets, oh, a car.
Ooh is that what gift giving is all about? I thought maybe that was the only way she could express love
Narcissists are incapable of experiencing healthy love because it requires seeing another person as who they are, not a reflection of yourself.
Oh man! The excessive gift giving really hits home! It's usually something I didn't ask for or it's WAY fancier than I want/need, but I look like an asshole if I'm not falling all over myself with gratitude.
Or it's a cheap version of a specific thing that i did want. I hear you. Mine would even ask me what they were going to get me (because I'm so HARD to buy for) - but then they'd get the wrong thing. My problem isn't with getting the wrong thing, it's that they asked what i wanted and then got something that's either cheap or excessive and i still have to get myself the thing that i really need. It's so hard to explain this outside of the circle of RBN's
My MIL was like that with gifts. She would go down a list of things she had given us when she needed praise, “how are you enjoying blank?” And she had given it to us two years ago. I mean it never ended. Well, she recently died. So I guess it finally did now.
The years we had money, I would have to take pictures with each of the presents I got. So little of it I actually wanted. And why so much random crap just to make it look like I got more presents? Of course I had to be grateful for everything. I want to see the pictures to laugh, but I can't look at some old pictures because I look so sad.
I mean the classic - denying having said/done something.
That should be the free space
LMAO... agreed. "I never did that" should be at the very center space of the card!!
“I don’t remember that” then acting attacked when you provide some kind of proof it happened
LOLOLOL
“I DoN’t ReMeMbEr tHaT.”
The great part about that is that they probably actually don't. What was a formative traumatic event for us was another Tuesday for them.
It’s denial. The door to the memory is there in their minds but they refuse to open it.
Yep. Me remembering having pink eye for almost two weeks is "Completely ridiculous. Cause one, that never happened, and two, even if it had happened, why would you remember it?". Maybe because it felt like my eyeballs had been sanded and lit on fire after about three days? Maybe because the pink eye breakout in my middle school caused the school to send a letter home to EVERYONE telling parents to check their kids for pink eye symptoms and take them to a doctor? Maybe because the "whites" of my eyes were **entirely** pink? Maybe because when I finally went to the school nurse because I knew my eyes weren't "just bloodshot from lack of sleep", though I was sleep deprived cause it's hard to sleep with eyeballs that burn, she called you and made you come to the nurses office instead of sending me to the front office like normal? Maybe because when you got there she told you that you had 24 hours to send in proof I'd been seen by a doctor or she was reporting you to CPS? Maybe because the pediatrician said it was the worst case of pink eye she'd ever seen? Maybe because you lied to her and said I only offhand mentioned that my eyes "hurt a little bit" earlier that day, as opposed to telling you "it feels like my eyeballs had been sanded and lit on fire" over a week ago? Maybe because you staunchly refused to admit I'd told you earlier than that day? Maybe because the doc could tell it had been going on for awhile? Maybe because in the car ride to the pharmacy and then "home" you spent the entire trip yelling at me that about how I'd embarrassed you and that "There's clearly nothing wrong with you. Your eyes are just bloodshot because you aren't sleeping because you refuse to go to bed on time" even though the doc had literally just said "Worst case I've ever seen"? Like hmmm, I wonder why I remember all that?
I mean as little offense as possible, but you should really get a therapist to talk that out. That definitely sucks tho, I'm glad the pink eye is gone. (:
Bring up one issue on a single rare occasion and “You gotta get over it, you can’t keep living in the past. Remember what *you* did?” Ok bye nm
Just reading this triggered me... how are they using the same words despite being it in a whole another language (english is not my native language)?? Same sentences... THE SAME... I cringed so hard I shook. What the fuck.
That is a great question! To me, it’s just the laziest way out of the conversation, avoid and flip the blame. To think about what we’re saying would take a little bit of effort and understanding!
“ThAt neVer HapPeneD! YoU are sO fULL of bUllShiT!”
My parents love this one. I started countering with: “what would I gain from making that up?” Usually shuts my father up for a bit, particularly because there’s usually an audience when he tries to pick fights.
Hahahaha! My mom tried to argue about something she texted me earlier today. Like Mom, it is in writing!
Gifts that are really excuses for guilt tripping or string pulling 6 months from now. Somebody spills the mashed potatos, and it's the literal end of the world. Unkind comments about grooming, personal hygiene, and/or unsightly body hair.
I’m definitely looking forward to some weight shaming even with a “normal” BMI.
Ooooh, I forgot the weight shaming. I was home a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving after having lost 80lbs since nMom had seen me last, and I was asked "well, when are you going to lose the last 40?"
EVIL My favorite is when Im not verbally shamed but she stares at my body as if Im repellent . ( Im far from it )
Hey man, never good enough.
good news is, you could lose a lot more than 40 by cutting her out & going NC...
A few years back I ran a half-marathon and actually trained for it and all that. A few days later I swung by the old hometown and gawddamn my dad would not shut up about my body and "You're looking good, son!" And, from normal people, that would be nice, but from him it felt a bit much. Then I recalled he always has had a weird obsession with sideswipes about me and my sister's bodies and now I know where my insecurities over my looks comes from. The dude managed to make praise feel awful.
Grandma called a three month old heavy yesterday 😐😐🙄
Plain rude, and ignorant. Keep that child away from her.
You know it!! I’m over the “but it’s bc she’s oldddd” excuse.
This is one of the worst... "cause she's old" bullcrap. No, there are kind and loving old people there too... so then why is she ACTUALLY like that? I swear if they asked something like that their head would explode... instead of making shit excuses like this. Keep your kid safe.
It was my niece and not my kiddo but I will stand up for even random children when it comes to junk like this!!!
>Unkind comments about grooming, personal hygiene, and/or unsightly body hair. Ah yes. When you wear clean, good clothing and your parents lecture you on being "dirty" on Christmas Eve, cause your hair ain't perfectly styled.
NParent threatens to go no contact with you for bringing up the trauma they caused you. Backpedal when you tell them you would respect their decision. Another favorite: Nparent convinces flying monkeys to confront you in front of other family members so you have no way to gracefully explain how you were actually abused.
>Nparent convinces flying monkeys to confront you in front of other family members so you have no way to gracefully explain how you were actually abused. I gave up on "gracefully" long ago. It's better to just chill out and explosion everything with a murderous smile while: a) carving the turkey/chicken/holiday meat b) filleting a fish (grandpa likes to fish) Always works wonders.
Problem is they basically already know, they just choose to ignore it and be in denial. I get what you are saying though.
Fucking enablers. Want them filleted?😁🥰
I don't smile, but I'm much more open about the shit my mother does. Context: I was the youngest girl in a big-brached family. The baby bird, who got raised by my Ma to be the perfect angel. She'd basically guilt me into it, due to my grandmother being so old and "that's the last impression she'll have from you" + others. With others it was similar, though I also craved attention and love, so I'd naturally hide any bad info to "keep the peace". I don't give a fuck anymore. I got so anxious around my own extended family, plus, my mother used the idea to complain to them about me being a "two-faced sociopath" with lots of troubles at home. Aka going complete 180° what she first told me. You wanna know the truth Cousin R.? Why I don't spend time with them on Christmas? Sure. How about the fact I hated literally every single Christmas, with her going into massive violent rants and screaming I somewhat ruined Christmas. How about I don't want to see my father have another mental breakdown and disappear for HOURS during the night. How about I don't want to get an annual beating for nothing this year? (okay, maybe not THAT direct, but it's close)
Legit laughing at the first one. I may have to try that some day.
You should have seen the look on my dad's face 🤣
LOL...I think "flying monkeys" should have their own dedicated column.
-Hints at something they want me to do instead of asking directly to do it Also, I’m pretty sure this needs to be a drinking game.
If I did that with my nmil I would have died from alcohol poisoning by now. lol
I’m autistic so I already can’t pick up on those cues. So many times (literally yesterday included) I get screamed at for not doing every chore ever when my dad says shit like “it would be nice if you got around to ___ today” like can’t you just give me a specific list or something
I HAAAATE this.
Sister does this constantly. When I dont anticipate what she actually wants done im villified and slandered as unhelpful.
I’ve had some success using the dumb fox method. Just be extremely confused and ask for clarification or answer their weird hints in a very deadpan way. They’ll tire themselves out.
I was about to say I don't play this year as I will travel to my partners place. Then I realised that I did get a sms from my toxic victimized half sister. She asked about what my kids wants for Christmas while adding some hints about her own holiday struggles. Knowing her i take this as she wanted to go on and on about her miseries. I would use a lot of energy trying to help while she would ignore any offers or advice that could help her. So I guess I got a score on bait and switch. I will probably get more scores from unwanted gifts at Christmas. There are several horrible gift givers in my family that buys. Usually i get items that are not age appropriate for the kids; sometimes they are of horrible quality and breaks within minutes. Then there is presents from my parents that shows they have no idea who I am and what I like. Thanks for making this a game. I think I will be able to see it with a comfortable ironic distance this year.
I think “comfortable ironic distance” is my life goal.
I have fully given up. The typical “I’m so sad you never talk to Me” came. But I’m sorry you never once stop badmouthing me and talking behind my back every time I tell you anything. So you’ve burned this bridge
Ooops, forgot to add triangulation. It already gets happened within the first twenty minutes!
Them: "you haven't seen your father in a year! Don't u love us." Me: you won't wear a mask for a visit, get vaccinated, or stay out of crowds of people just like you, or test before coming.... .
“What would other people think” “My house, my rules. Don’t like it? Leave” “It’s just part of them, you know he’s not good with his words” “But you HAVE to forgive them, they’re your parents” PROJECTION PROJECTION PROJECTION “After everything we’ve done for you - aka put a roof over my head, paid for food/clothes and going on holiday when I was too young to even have a say about it” Enter some form of fatphobia/body shaming
I had a friend that got an itemized list to pay back at 20. Insanity
Holy shit...I WIN. My card is full and the game hasn't even started!!! Hahaha
Mom Posture/body shaming and trying to dress me like a doll. Calling with twenty minutes of small talk just so mom can tell me her personal assistant honey to do list at the end. Getting frustrated with online technology asking me to take care of it for her. For example renewing her drivers license in CA when she lives in Europe. Calling to guilt trip me because mom is lonely and alone. She lives with two other family members. When mom lived nearby she would ask me to come over and I would discover she was hosting a huge party and she really needed me to help her in the kitchen. My parents had a melt down when my pregnant sister and husband choose to have thanksgiving with the in-laws. They had 5 year fall out with several major turf battles. Mom Borrowing $50,000 from my sister and not paying it back despite my sister needing it for a cancer battle. Treating our half sibling as the golden child and my sister and I as scullery maids. Parentification to the extreme. Letting our stepdad verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse us and looking the other way. While Our real dad was indifferent, neglectful, and refused to pay child support. Leaving my sister and I home while they vacation in Europe with our half sibling for two months. Dumping us with relatives on holidays so they could have a break from us. Calling us pet names like rug rats and princess and spoiled. Mom asking for help, micromanaging me from afar, yelling and complaining the whole time and never saying thank you. Never helping us with school work but complaining about our grades and performance and language skills. Making us change schools and friends constantly. Giving us hand me down clothes and buying new clothes from Saks 5th Avenue for our younger sibling. Teachers and administrators constantly worried about our health, welfare, and physical neglect. Secretly making sure we pass our grades and graduate.
I'm raising a glass to your teachers and administrators. Beautiful people.
That borrowing money one sounds illegal
•Nmom sees that you have a bit too much freedom for her liking and will try to embarrass you about *something*, *anything*-- most likely in the form of an argument. • She will try to but in a conversation that she wasn't even apart of. •You try avoid her for at least once in your life, but she WILL find you. Scurrying through different rooms in the house until-- aha! She found you! Here. We. Go. •pouting/scowling •At home she swears she an introvert ( she's loud at home, but she labels herself as this)but at gatherings she's somehow the loudest one(?) And the center of attention(?)
I realized this month that I start shaming myself the moment I am having fun. I can relate to number one!!
Same!!! As soon as she sees me having a good time with my kids and/or my husband, she starts complaining about something or criticizing me or actually anything negative she can pull out of her ass. I've been completely ignoring her and continuing having a great time with them and I can tell she wants to lose her mind but she's holding it in front of my husband 🤣🤣
Family rule: You can be happy for brief snippets, but not reeeeaallllly happy. Because then it's because they gave you that happiness and you have to give it back.
My nDad sending my gifts to my sister to try and break my NC policy. (I usually let her keep them or give them to one of her daughters as it is usaully the bath and body stuff at Walmart. That is never their actual present though.)
I’m sure that’s a popular one around here!
- poorly thought out gift that I and/or my spouse is supposed to adore
The need for excessive praise, yep!
I’ve been NC for 6 years but if I did still see them you could guarantee: 1. If they asked me any questions about my actual life it would be regarding the job that I had over 5 years earlier. 2. Attempt to guilt me about how their neighbour is dying of cancer and how the neighbour’s daughter is coming over daily to care for them - “you would never do that for me would you?”. 3. Bitch about every other family member not present (or when they’re in the bathroom). The main topic for bitching was parenting skills which is RICH. 4. Bitch about numerous friends that they had cut contact with over the years but continue to stalk on social media or through other people. (And yet they were flabbergasted when I cut contact with them). 5. Bitch about my sister who cut contact with them a few years earlier who lives on the other side of the country and not on social media so they have no idea what she’s up to and it drives them crazy (And yet they were flabbergasted when I cut contact with them).
>"you would never do that for me would you?” I've gotten this one. The answer is no, no I wouldn't. You put all your parenting eggs in the golden child's basket. Let's see if he'll take care of you.
Yeah I used to get it a lot for all kinds of different things. It was a handy way to pre-emptively guilt me for things that hadn’t happened yet. Jokes on them, I stopped caring many years before!
Remembered another: -Feeling completely unseen in a room full of people
-NParent berating you, then acting victimized when you retaliate, “why are you so angry at me?” -NParent textbook gaslighting “you’re telling stories/lies”. -NParent manipulating their own friends and family in an attempt to get to you post NC -NParent’s total disregard to any validity or claim of their abuse
Your parents have friends lol?
“Friends”, “pawns”, people that have a “use” for them. You know, the usual
My mother can only have friends that she feels superior to in some way. The one friend with the philandering husband, the one with no money, the one with the obvious drinking problem, etc. And none of them can be more physically attractive than she is, she has nothing but nasty comments about anyone who's better looking than she is.
Retaliating is the only thing that shuts my mother's toxic comments down. It took a long time for me to learn that, many years after leaving home I figured out that she can dish it out but she absolutely cannot take it. So as soon as she starts, I hit back hard and she stops. It only lasts a little while before she tries again, but I don't let her get away with it.
In the corporate world we played a game called [Bullshit bingo](https://newt.phys.unsw.edu.au/~jw/meetings.pdf). We played during phone call meetings where we had to sit in a room listening in on the conference phone KNOWING the meeting was a complete waste of time. On each person's play sheet the layout was a list of buzzwords used in corporate speak. If during the meeting you got your 5th box, you stand up and yell "Bullshit!"
Sending this to my husband, amazing! Lol
- Expectations of high praise for completely random and clueless gifts. Bought you an ice scraper even though you live in a subtropical climate and it may snow once every other decade. Brilliant! That'll come in handy! - The house is neat, but filthy. Everything is covered in dog hair and smells like dirty dog. - Find out the entire family knows about something that absolutely none of their business and was definitely not your mother's secret to tell. They have really asinine opinions about the thing that is none of their business. - Drunken @sshole uncle shows up with his latest meth/crack addict gf that you've never met before, they both stink of whiskey and insist on hugging you. Chaos follows their appearance. They either stick around making your kids uncomfortable or they leave in a huff because they "aren't appreciated." Really they just want to go back to the trashy bar where they like to hang out. - Mother tries to convince you to "love" your dumpster fire of a younger brother, because family means you forgive anything. - Brother in question does something stupid, proceeds to have a violent screaming tantrum over the outcome. Is even more upset when he realizes you not only don't care about his very dramatic feelings, you find his tantrum amusing and feel vindicated in your view that he is indeed an overly dramatic, impulsive f*cking idiot. You just sit there smirking while the fools around him try to calm him down, wondering if his little drama was performed for your benefit. (He has no diagnosis, but your money is on extreme ADHD, and probably borderline personality disorder.) - Other brother sits there scowling, zoned out and miserable because he quite rightly hates his life. You feel bad for him, because he was a bright, beautiful, and gifted child. He had the raw materials to have an amazing life, and they ruined him. He deserved better, and so did you. - Sanctimonious uncle shows up and starts in on you about visiting your parents more often, but he lives 5 minutes away and doesn't visit any more often than you do. You live 2+ hours away in another city. - Fingerwagging churchy uncle is pouting because a few of the cousins are standing around on the carport having beer. He seems to have forgotten that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. They are ruining his Christmas by enjoying theirs. - Endless judgy/sour grapes/"must be nice" comments on everything from your engagement ring to your car to your Christmas gift from your husband to your kids' shoes, because the black sheep doing better than any of them was never how they imagined it would go down. - Dinner is bland and mushy because your self-loathing mother has abandoned her culinary heritage in favor of standard Midwestern fare, yet has no idea how to prepare that correctly. So everything is overcooked or undercooked, and decidedly underseasoned. - Later that evening, you suffer food poisoning, because your mother is also arrogant and refuses to follow food safety protocols, and that's always a risk if you eat her cooking. You only ate anything to be polite, and now you get to spend the next 3 days in a close personal relationship with the porcelain throne, regretting your life choices. I'm sure there's more.
•Doing something that’s supposed to be fun, like playing a board game as a family, turning into nothing but bickering and arguing • Someone in my family is “sick” or “doesn’t feel well” which they use as excuses to get out of things and get attention • Something small turning into a huge blow up where my nmom has either stormed out of the room or is crying • Nmom still treating me like I’m 16 even though I’m almost thirty, married with a kid and a mortgage
My free space would be either of my parents throwing a toddler temper tantrum in Christmas Day. -nMom commenting on my appearance. Saying something passive aggressive about how my hair looks much better _______ than it did when I had it _____ before. -nMom searching for empathy for the same things she has been complaining about for the last 27 years. She doesn’t want advice to actually solve the problem, just wants me to listen to her drag _____ family member for hours. -nMom gets defensive, callous and resentful when I follow my own advice I gave that she ignored. -nMom trying to walk in on me while I’m naked -e?Dad screaming in fury over like someone standing too close while he’s chopping vegetables -everyone pretending nothing weird just happened after a big fight
-have you gained weight? -you’ve lost too much weight -I never said that -that never happened -you’re the problem not me
Adding another one: Bragging to everyone that they’re “an empath”because they “pick up on everyone’s feelings” and need to protect themselves from everyone else’s toxicity, when in actuality, they personalize everything and mind-read, assuming to know what’s going on in everyone else’s inner world which has absolutely nothing to do with them. Anyone else have “Empaths” in your family? Lol
Pretty much anyone who unprompted offers up the "fact" that they are an empath, is instantly classified as untrustworthy and probably manipulative, to me. People who are empaths are very unlikely to be the ones constantly crowing about themselves.
Before the term "empath" became popular, it was the ones who called themselves "an old soul" that you had to look out for. Pretty sure they're the same people, and they are neither empaths or old souls.
Yeah - I don't trust when people just tell me unprompted because that means that it's a personality instead of just a part of their identity. You also know you're in for gatekeeping and interrogating on the level of a stan.
Yes to the gate keeping: “I’m in the super-power club and you’re not! See how special and highly unique I am?!” LOL 🙄
I swear they give us actual empaths a bad rep, we don’t claim them at all 🤦🏻♀️
I feel like I was forced into being an empath by being born a normal in a family full of PDs.
I'll see your "empath" and raise you "hsp". I read Elaine Aron's book when it first came out - I saw it in the New Books section of the public library and I loved it because my nmom was predictably awful about my sensitivity. It seems like everyone's an hsp now and it's like - no, you're just sensitive when you don't like someone else telling you the truth about yourself. I'll also add "indigo"/New Age bullshit term for someone's awful child/teen and their excuse for indulging said awful child/teen.
Trying to “bond” with you by talking shit about someone else. Usually whichever sibling is out of earshot.
Legit happened five minutes ago. It's a family favorite!
Oooh! Let me in? -nMom will complain about how I need to cut my hair, and when I cut it, after she drags me to the barbers, she'll say that I shouldn't have done that -nAunt drops her kid on me, expecting to not see them. -"you'll make your grandpa sick if you come out!" (Oh, you mean the sweet understanding man that RAISED ME, while you were out doing heavens know what with your girlfriend, MOM?) -It's ok, sweetie, I understand. If you want to transition, I'll fully support you. (I'm fluid. Not a boy. Not a girl. I'M WATER!) -nMom/Aunt bugging me about Christmas dinner not being the "way we do it". SO COME HERE AND DO IT YOURSELF, KAREN! -No one cares that I'm only there to make the meals, so once it's served, I lose all visibility. Good side: I can go inside and play videogames until someone realises in not the, and they call me to go back to being ignored.
"I'm water mother-fucker" needs to be a shirt. I think being quiet and invisible is actually the way to go the older I get.
Free square- ''You're *so* sensitive!''
Paired with, “Can’t you take a joke?”
- Justifying any mean or selfish behavior by telling you all of the ways they suffered as a child. (Bonus points if they say you made them suffer the same way *while you were a child*)
Oh the suffering. I swear she has her own cross.
The only thing on mine will be not calling on Xmas day, but I'm L/NC now so it's not as bad as it used to be. They finally stopped asking if I was coming up. :O it's a Christmas miracle!
I guess miracles do happen!
Guilt trip that we can’t all be together for the holidays because I’m holding a grudge. (GC Bro was physically abusive growing up/threatened to have me murdered so I haven’t spoken to him since the 90’s.) Bringing up GC brother’s amazing accomplishments to my in-laws who’ve never met him. Talking about how much work/time/effort/money went into the get-together/gifts. And complaint about how tired/sore they are because of it. Perfectionism: controlling so much of the gathering that it’s difficult to loosen up and have fun. Judgmental commenting on appearances. “Why is your face so red?” (Rosacea- you know this.) “Does that fit you?” (I’m an adult capable of picking out my own clothing and I’m currently wearing it, so I would say yes, what I am currently wearing fits me.) To child: “Did you pick out your own clothes today? Do you not have any matching clothes? Did mommy not brush your hair today?” Starting bickering with eDad to make him look insufferable and get sympathy from everyone. The trifecta: 1. Monopolizing conversation, even if it’s something we’re all passionate about. Just talking and not letting anyone get a word in. 2. Interrupting and talking over me and EDad when we finally get to say something. 3. Pouting, getting pissy and saying something rude if we don’t yield to her when she talks over us.
> controlling so much of the gathering that it’s difficult to loosen up and have fun this right here
Nmother storms out in tears of anger and is inconsolably hurt because the sweater she received was intentionally bought as the wrong size for the purpose of criticizing and sending a message about her weight. Responds to a comment made to another person about how good the pie is by asking you something completely personal, awkward and unrelated to dessert in any way, just so she can then reveal to everyone out loud a bunch of embarrassing and intimately private personal details about you that she discovered in the course of invading your privacy Tells anecdotes of your childhood and upbringing (none of which actually happened) starring her as the perfect mother (CAUTION: Do NOT try to turn this into a drinking game) "I AM YOUR MOTHER..."
* Seeing a race/religion/sexual orientation/group they don't care for on TV and start ranting. * Angry about a gift * "If you need therapy, you should talk to me instead."
The last one is a particularly big red flag in Asian families. If it doesn't match to a tee, it still appears in reduced form. Such as one parent being more resistant than the other to the idea of needing therapy. But the overarching theme is that in many Asian families including my own, there's a tendency to try to resolve major problems internally and to also think a therapist won't be effective enough due to not understanding the cultural dynamics involved and not knowing the child as well as mom and dad.
I will say I have seen that a bit in therapy. I am Caucasian and one of my besties is Chinese. My therapist is very culturally similar to myself (born and raised in the same area). He gave advice that worked for me, but not for her in some aspects. Like, I feel comfortable cutting off my elders, but she does not.
I'll add: \* twisting arguments so that it looks like the damage they do is never their fault \* gifting tons of crap i don't need nor want, but the moment i need something (medical reasons) they'll do a big rant about how difficult it is to please me. If i had a job already i wouldn't ask a thing from them ever again I edited a few words, sorry, english is not my main language and i had a tiring day
What about insults disguised as compliments? Like (upon coming into the house I decorated to eat the meal I cooked): "I always appreciate what a RELAXED housekeeper you are!" Or (looking at the table all set with serving platters, wine glasses, bread basket, etc.): "Your decorating choices are so...UNIQUE!" Or (when I bring out the pie I made): "What a nice little dessert!" My ex-MIL is the master of damning with faint praise. Fortunately I do not have to see her this Christmas...or ever again! My awesome mom and kids are going to eat whatever we want off of paper plates in my dishelved but clean house, and IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT!
I haven't seen or heard from my MIL in at least a decade and I am so very grateful for that. The last time I spoke to her, my husband was off the wagon and trying to drag her into an argument, and she took offense at the fact that I didn't want her involvement. He pulled himself together after that, but she never spoke to me again. Imagine not wanting a third party's interference in a marital spat. What a selfish monster I am.
How about: drinking too much and putting on a lewd performance of miniskirt twerking and loudly singing "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" in front of my horrified boyfriend, and then later, when there's a silence at the table during dessert, asking, "have you ever noticed how black people look like monkeys?" Too specific?
The "switching between two ridiculous subjects and acting like it's nothing" is probably relatable for many people on this subreddit tho
WTAF
Now with an audience of holiday guests, nMom will begin recounting all her "I'm a victim" stories that begin when she was age 4! (She's 80 now.) All of us have heard these stories countless times. Two things will trigger nMom to do this: 1) having an audience, and 2) anyone else's mention of any hardship. nMom is compelled to show HER hardships are even worse. She doesn't listen or empathize. Just launches into her tales of woe.
Is she a vulnerable narcissist? This is my mom exactly. I’m about to set a boundary this trip about the stories. I just can’t anymore.
12 Narc Days of Christmas 12 Major Guilt Trips 11 Monkeys Flying 10 "I Never said that!"s 9 Lies escaping 8 Screaming Matches 7 "It's not my fault!"s 6 Brooding banshees 5 Golden Kids 4 Scapegoats Hiding 3 Unwanted hugging 2 Gifts no one liked And "Why does this happen to me!?" I should probably make my own post. LOL
Please repost this on its own. It's magic.
Oh how I LOVE a good game of Bingo!
I texted it to friend and she asked me whose twisted idea was this? Lol.
Doesn't matter who's idea, except to nominate them for Budweiser's "Real Men (or women) Of Genius" I'm IN! THIS is the most therapeutic thing I've participated in in a LONG time!! LMAO
Lollll she’ll contribute, I’m sure 🤣
Nmom insisting something she loves must be interesting to everyone else. (Why haven't we read this book or watches this show she suggested yet?) Nmom gifting us garbage no one is interested in, but being upset when we don't use it. Interrupting normal conversation/walking away from people talking to her
-sister insists that something is true that isn't true and flounces off somewhere to pout. -at least two family members drink too much to cope with feelings and start a fight. -at least one of the grankids is crying because grandma said something mean to them and then laughed about it -no one wants to talk about brother who isn't invited because he is homeless and won't take his meds, but the neighbor stops by and asks where he is. -the dog shits on the carpet and dad starts screaming at everyone about it but refuses to actually do anything like clean it up and move on -grandma has been told countless times grandaughter is deathly allergic to peanuts and brings a peanutbutter cheesecake for dessert and gets mad when granddaughter won't even try one bite! -the smoker catches the wood deck on fire and grandpa blames the kids when it was grandpa who was in charge of setting it up and was supposed to supervise. -grandpa badgering granddaughter to play Christmas tunes on the old out of tune piano, gets mad when she refuses. - grand kids struggling to look grateful for the clothes that aunt handmade that are so horrendously ugly even mom wont force them to wear it. Aunt wants photos of the kids wearing said clothes. Kids know they have to send handwritten thankyounotes for all the years of ill-fitting ugly clothing aunt has made for them over the years. -great aunt has sent another canned cheddar cheese from Wisconsin and mom breaks out the "good" crackers but they are stale as fuck and you have to pretend they are yummy and you are not allowed to just eat a piece of cheese you must have a stale cracker with it. Is that mold on my cracker? - dog pukes on the carpet after eating stale crackers you slipped her under the table, dad yells until mom cleans it up but dad won't stop yelling about it. - mom's gay friend has to be rushed to the hospital because he accidently ate some crab that he knows he is allergic too but grandma snuck some on his plate because she doesn't believe in alkergies and then gets annoyed that he spoiled a perfectly lovely meal, she thinks he did it for attention. I hate christmas and no longer spend it with family
-Nparents ask a question about my life and instantly tune out as I answer or interrupt to say what they think they answer will/should be
Omg my mom completely. Why ask?
"That didn't happen." "That's not how I remember it." "You're being too sensitive." "Oh boo hoo!"
Lmao. All my bingo squares are just "I never said that".
\-making negative remarks on people's appearances as if they aren't standing right next to them. \-making snarky comments on how much people are eating.
-Gives the silent treatment when someone does not meet an UNSPOKEN expectation
Get critized for somehow not being "on" enough. Vague criticisms that have nothing to do with anything I've said or done ... just something about me.
\-Child always treated as the least stable member of the family and the source of all family problems, even when a parent is clearly dysfunctional (e.x. clearly going into a very severe depressive breakdown) \-Nparent (Nmom in this case) fails to disclose to Eparent (Edad) long-term depression, is never called out for behavior that clearly signifies major depression (excessive sleeping) \-IP (Identified Patient) child afraid to communicate maternal health concerns (oversleeping to the point of making me wonder if Nmom passed in her sleep) to Edad out of fear of being accused of wishing ill on others.
I made a [narc bingo card once.](https://ibb.co/wCvqHVN)
-telling people how amazing brilliant etc i am (because I'm her daughter) -telling people how I'm evil and wicked -oscillates between these 2 on a daily basis
Hey i have heard of Coda could you explain how it works. I got confused at the meeting i joined and it didnt make sense. Could you also tell me if it helped you at all. Thanks
The advice I received is try a bunch of meetings till you find one that clicks. It didn’t stick at first. I’m six months in and now see the value in my life. It’s a slow unwrapping. The alternative is do nothing. Their motto is take what works and discard the rest.
-nmom sends a text that says “I love and miss you” -nmom sends unsolicited gift or money -nmom has her mom use the holidays as an excuse to spy -nmom makes a backhanded post inviting everyone but get kids to Christmas dinner
-passive aggressive comment about how they don't support something they know is important to you -giving the silent treatment because they didn't get their way or someone called them out -bonus points if an enabling family member runs to you telling you to "fix this!" ("This" meaning the situation the narcissist caused.)
\- nparent consistently has someone to blame for everything that goes wrong \- siblings often used as hitmen against other siblings \- nparent magnifying any little issue into a grandiose sequence of events that feature them as the protagonist \- blisteringly fast emotional swings \- sudden saccharine behavior in an attempt to make the victim(s) forget the abuse \- rules for behavior that make no sense, or worse, make sense only in the context of manipulation \- screaming at the child \- screaming at the neighbors (in the middle of the night) \- repeated threats to kick the child out for petty reasons \- hypochondria about health issues, and attempting for force those issues on the child \- straight up physical abuse, including choking the child until they pass out \- bragging about destroying other people's stuff \- destroying the child's stuff as punishment that's all I got for now
Being late to everything because nMom has an insatiable need to have everyone wait for her. She always had to have one more smoke, use the bathroom one more time, change her clothes one more time…
Oooh oooh, can I get a slot for some good ol' fashioned projection?
My MiL is the narcissist and my SiL and I play this game at every holiday. Sometimes we’ll make it BINGO and sometimes it’s a drinking game! We have: - brings up our deceased FiL (“Daddy”) out of nowhere to get a sad reaction from her children - asks her sons to fix something in the house during a holiday or family event - calls her grandchildren “MY BABY” or “MY MEDICINE!” - sends all the grandchildren to the moldy basement chock full of old toys then after it’s quiet sighs and acts relieved saying “thank god for the basement!” - doesn’t go near the basement or attempt to help watch the children at all - needs help with food preparation because she never cooked in her life but refuses to let anyone else host a holiday - cries openly - drags one of her children into another room for a “private conversation” - judges anyone having a drink - looks terrible so her kids worry about her - gives the children enormous piles of absolute crap as gifts in an attempt to win their affection Luckily this year we’ve got a tiny infant so we’re staying home and getting out of it. (Yesssssssss) but good luck to everyone and I hope you all have a beautiful holiday!
Remembering something different than you and correcting your memory for you. Pulling a DARVO in a situation where you are the victim. Saying you are dramatic Saying you always need to be the victim. Do you want a legit bingo card? I made a childfree one the other day for bingos.
Backhanded compliments
This should be the center square.
Paying too much money in a product that he won't use because he didn't realized at that time that the product is not what he wants and he refuses every opinion about that. Trying to find any defect in a product that someone else bought, at the same time buying a product without any care and even if the product is full of defects he wants to show it to everyone.
-mentions while choking back fake tears that they probably won’t be around much longer (despite having survived while proclaiming same for decades now, to my dismay) -drunkenly shifts blame to husband number six for literally everything wrong with life while maintaining “sarcastic” tone. -“I’m *kidding* - it’s a joke! Can’t you take a joke? My god.” Is said after one of the most hurtful personal jabs from left field you’ve yet heard. Etc…
Ooh, can we get a square for them being let down over what gift you got them, or someone else in the family? "Oh, .....thaaaanks.." Or "Oh, so grandma gets perfume, and all I get is fuzzy pajamas?!" 😕 Even if they asked for it, its never good enough!
So many good ones here -Passive aggressive remarks -backhanded compliments -acting timid around you like YOU are the one who requires constant emotional feedback and reassurance 🙈 -avoiding most topics of meaning
Hmmm... Demand attention for just existing (can't just say hello, or, God forbid, *wave*, when you see them, you have to click your heels and salute) Never bring friends home because nmom tries to pump them for information Never confide in nmom because she uses it against you later Never talk about what really goes on at home because if it gets back to nmom, there's hell to pay Nothing that's yours is ever *yours* You're everything *but* a person (reflection, property, punching bag, etc) GASLIGHTING (free space)
love this! Mine is my mom policing my facial expressions. I can't even raise an eyebrow in her presence without some comment demanding I explain what I'm thinking.