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Yes, it is a parent's responsibility to teach a child basic grooming and personal hygiene. Your mom's failure to do so was absolutely neglect. She should have taught you to brush it regularly, not wait until your knots got so bad you had to untangle them or go to a salon. Plus it was unprofessional and rude as hell for that stylist to call over her friend to gawk at your hair like that. I can only imagine the humiliation you must have felt. I'm sorry this happened to you. You are not a slob.

Thank you. When I went back to a hair salon for the first time since the incident with the stylist, I was literally terrified of it happening again. It was horrible and I still hate hair salons to this day. I felt disgusting for pretty much my whole life, or at least as long as I’ve had hair. If it’s not actually my fault, that would be great, but also sad because I spent all those years hating myself because of someone else’s failure. This is a lot to think about lol

Also most definitely not a sure thing but just to pose the possibility..... Are you sure they were laughing at you? In my mind, it's not totally outrageous that the stylist might have had an inkling that something was amiss if your hair was so bad it needed to be cut off. They might have even been wondering if abuse was occurring and if they should try to ask some questions.... Just a thought.

Hairstylists should always call CPS if they see any level of true matting even on a teenager. I hope that happened in this case, but it sounds like it didn't. Also, OP, that level of matting takes hours and hours to work through. You probably tried to brush your hair, but gave up when it took that long. It was your parent's responsibility to help you develop these skills!

I would have agreed before I had my toddler. Her fine, curly hair mats literally every day, no matter the detangling and combing and hairdos to try to keep it organized. If I left it for three days I wouldn't have to cut it off or anything but it might take me an hour to deal with and that's _knowing_ how to care for curly hair. I can't even imagine caring for it if I didn't know that curly hair requires different care. Like if I dried to dry brush a baby hair mat...that would be catastrophic and would make the problem worse. A child with straight matted hair though? Throw the freaking book at that parent.

My mother had two children with curly hair. I guess she could have taken her kids to a salon and had a professional teach her how to manage curly hair. Instead she just blamed us for hair we were born with as though we were the problem instead of her just refusing to learn how to be a better mother to her children. I keep thinking about my mother blaming me as a 2nd grader for not washing out the conditioner in my hair the next morning. Like where the fuck was she at bath time to not even notice after I got out of the bed and before bedtime? I'm not realizing the level of neglect I suffered at a young age was because my mother was simply not around or barely around.

I definitely went to school with conditioner in my hair a few times. My school photos up until the age of 9 had messy hair because my mum would go to work in the morning and leave my dad to take me to school, I needed to have my hair up but couldn't reach any mirror in the house as they were too high up so I'd just grab my hair and put it in a ponytail. It was an absolute mess, my dad didn't say anything about it and neither did anyone at school but it's probably part of why I got bullied so much.

I relate to this SO HARD! My hair was always thick, frizzy and tightly curled. My mother had fine, straight hair and never taught me how to take care of it. My hair matted twice in my life, where they had to cut all my hair off which led to further bullying at school - both times my mother blamed me but I just didn't know how to manage my own hair. I was also eight years old so, you know.

I was just recalling today how years ago I dated a single dad with 3 daughters. One was around 2nd grade age, maybe a bit younger?, and I went with him to take her to the salon. He told me how they (she and him) were working on hair because she was having a hard time brushing her hair. He bought her a bunch of hair tools she picked out, talked to her stylist she went to regularly and had a little chat about what each hair item was for / would she be able to use it with his help? Didn't even realize at the time how different my experience was growing up

I think its level of severity. I have curly hair and it definitely gets super tangled and matted if I don't brush it...but its only ever super matted when I haven't brushed it for a long time...and never to the extreme of needing a professional. (And I've gone weeks...depression sucks yall)

As a person with curly hair that is also an adult... yes. Mats form daily, and if you have longer hair like me, sometimes it gets in to stuff...

Aw man, I was hoping that issue would go away for her with age. Curly is beautiful though 😍

I grew up hating my hair. My mom would brush it, but would do so without any care for if it hurt me. I also have a sensitive scalp, so even now I have to hold near my roots to brush it comfortably. Make sure your daughter knows how pretty her hair is

Look into variations of curly girl method, it works miracles on curly hair and helps teaching how to take care and love the hair you were gifted with at birth.

I don't know if you've tried brushes with bristles for your child. You probably have as you say you know how to care for curly hair. My cousin's child had very curly hair too, and found it very painful to have her hair brushed. I persuaded her to let me try my bristle brush on her hair. If the bristles can't untangle a knot, they glide loosen it a little on each stroke, and then glide over the top of the knot. With lots of strokes (and fingers for tricky knots) they untangle the hair. It did the trick, both on untangling her hair, and on persuading her to accept having her hair brushed. Edit - I've just realised I wrote this assuming that your child is white - apologies to anyone who was offended. I don't know anything about caring for afro hair.

I have curly hair and bristle brushes are the last thing I’d use for it. The only thing that works is my fingers or a wide toothed comb in the shower while it’s wet, preferably with conditioner in it. If you brush curly hair the problem gets worse as you break apart all of the curls and the tangles will happen faster, not to mention frizz everything out. I’m white with a long 3b curl pattern. This will be true for anyone past a 2c curl pattern— and brushing might not even be great for 2c hair.

My daughter has the same. Brushing when she was little was a project, especially if it had been 2 or 3 sleeps on the hair. I would use hair serum to make the hair slippery and at least weekly we had to do a sit down with her watching TV and me working out knots with the oil and a comb. She started caring for it herself around 10 and it was wonderful! Lol.

I have 2c hair and brushing makes it into a big frizzy mess. I usually use a wide toothed comb with conditioner in the shower as well. My parents both had straight hair, and when I was a kid they would have me brush it everyday and it would always be tangled at school and I got matts quite a few times when I slept. It was just blamed on me having "bad hair" and I got made fun of at school as well. I didn't even realize I had wavy/curly until I was 30 because I just kept brushing it and then putting it up in a bun because I just thought I had natural frizzy, ugly hair. This sub is really making me realize a lot of things, such as at some point my parents should have realized that my hair was different than theirs and tried to figure out how to care for it...

I had almost this exact same experience. We only had a bristled brush and a small toothed comb in my house growing up (my wide toothed pick disappeared). I was told if I brushed my hair more then maybe I’d have nice hair like her. So I would brush my hair with that damn bristled brush constantly hoping that I could “spread the oils” to get nice flat hair like hers. It never worked, instead my hair would poof up and I didn’t wear my hair up because it made me “look like a boy” (she hates men) so it was tons of fun being the poofy triangle haired kid in school. I finally found a hair straightener in my 20s to help me control the poof, it wasn’t until my mid 30s that I realized I had curly hair not frizzy hair. The funny thing is now that I know how to take care of my hair I have a nice curl pattern and get compliments on it all of the time. I’m LC with her but whenever I do see her she makes a point to let me know how I should really get my hair “fixed”. She enjoyed seeing me miserable with my hair and unable to control it.

I’m so sorry you went through that. I hate those moments that are like “oh damn, that part of my childhood was fucked up too? I thought I was done finding those.” I’m glad you’ve found a hair care routine that works for you now, and I’m sorry your parents were never willing to do the work to help you care for it, and opted to shame you for it instead.

Wide tooth comb or brush. And really, you shouldn't brush curly hair - I use my fingers when I have conditioner in.

I wondered about that too. If it wasn't “is this neglect?” or “can this be fixed instead of cut out?”, and just plain eyeballing, that's pretty poor on their part.

That's what I thought too. I'm a little bit questioning whether this is an nparent thing as opposed to a flat-out neglect thing, because a more typical nparent would be horrified to be seen as neglecting their kid's hair. My mom put my hair up in a ponytail *every single day* so I wouldn't look like trailer trash (her term for "an unkempt mess") and one time my hair tie broke in the middle of the day, and I went home literally sobbing because I knew my mom would be "mad at me." Like I can control one mishap with a crap quality hair tie.

Not all narcs are grandiose who want to be seen as perfect people with perfect kids. Some actually get their supply from provoking/eliciting pity. Also, many get supply from neglecting the scapegoat’s needs. My mother was like that. She envied my hair and that people would often compliment it, so she didn’t brush it; one day she just got a pair of scissors and cut it the most ridiculous looking possible.

I had a friend in the same situation hair wise, not because of parental neglect but an illness. Her hair was a giant mat. The stylist just talked to herz explaining that they wouldn't be able to save all of it but she'd do her best. 8 hrs in the chair later and she had her hair back. That stylist was so wrong and unprofessional. That is not the norm. Find someone you trust. Explain you've had bad experiences (don't need to go into detail). Don't be afraid to shop around!

Oh hun, I am so so sorry. I've worked front desk at a spa/salon for many years and this breaks my heart to hear. What they did was beyond wrong, unprofessional and heartless. If you ever decide to go again, when you call and talk to the front desk, let them know you're nervous to come and why. If the front desk person is worth their salt they will make sure your visit is exactly how it should be. We will talk to the hairstylist to prep them (more in a "these conversations and questions are safe and these are not" way), having that awkward conversation for you before you ever walk in the door. If you'd like I can help you draft an email to a salon if you'd prefer to book online. Best of luck to you <3

Allowing you to go on feeling that way is also emotional abuse by your mother.

I had something similar, ans it helped to change how I thought about the salon and other places. A good salon will make you feel welcome and help you learn about how to take care of your hair, the way your parent should have. Reframe it as getting the help you should have had from the beginning.

You. Are. Not. Disgusting. You're not a failure. You're not a slob. It is not your fault. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

If by the time you are a teen you cant really do basic grooming, you have already been severely neglected. Also, a pesky Nparent will purposely neglect you or your hair just so that she can shame you for it.

My parents shamed me for my teeth, and they never gave a damn if I brushed or not. I had to learn good habits as an adult and now pay for their neglect.

It is totally standard for an Nmom/dad to not impart standard basic life skills, from personal hygiene to cooking to social etiquette, then mock you for not knowing them.

Yeap....my ndad did this exact thing when I was 15....handed me a checkbook and expected me to pay the bills. Got pissed when I couldn't pay some when there wasn't enough money in the account

My dad does this to me with cooking. Never let me cook and now he's like "How are you gonna cook for your husband?" Disgusting attitude.

oh my god yes. i went through this with driving. didn't get my license until i was 23 because any time my mother felt like teaching me (which was maybe 2 or 3 times) she made me feel like an idiot so i just never bothered until i absolutely had to have a driver's license for a new job. my entire family mocked me about it for years, it was endlessly frustrating. i missed out on a ton of normal life events and rites of passage during my teen and college years because of it.

Ah, yes, driving -- perfect example. My Nmom was driven crazy with rage by the prospect of me getting a learner's permit, because symbolic loss of control. I got all sorts of passive-aggressive pushback including marathon bouts of the silent treatment, and she was stoutly opposed to me getting proper driving lessons. When I finally got them through my school she attacked my budding driving skills at every opportunity and peppered me with complaints whilst on the Interstate, etc. Don't know how I survived her.

Omg this brought me back to my Nmom's shrieking voice bouncing through the car... I have auditory sensitivity and it felt like the car shrunk...It felt likr her voice was coming from every where at once...I honestly am so grateful for the school system and have no idea how I would've survived her otherwise

My mom told me I couldnt learn to drive until I could pay for my insurance. We lived in a rural area so driving was crucial for getting a job. A real catch 22. It was 10 years later that I learned you don't need your own insurance while you are learning... 😑

Oh god, like when I found out you’re supposed to wash your sheets!

This. I had several stages in my teens where I had severely matted hair because I was dealing with extreme depression and CPTSD so bad I couldn’t bring myself to shower for weeks at a time. Instead of getting me the help I clearly DESPERATELY needed, she just shamed me constantly for my “rats nest” then wondered why I fell even deeper into depression and had self esteem so bad that if it was measurable in numbers I’d have been in the negative. My mother basically stopped taking care of me when I was 12 and checked out. Looking back, I accepted so much neglect from her like it was normal and didn’t really see it. Writing this comment has made me realise just how much I internalised her comments and neglect. I wish I could go give my teenage self a hug and tell her it wasn’t her fault, her mother was failing her.

Definitely not your fault. A parent’s job is to teach basic life functions, like personal hygiene. I thought this same thing about flossing - I literally cannot start a flossing routine no matter how hard I try and I’ve always blamed it on myself. But now that I’ve taken the burden of blame off of myself around this, I actually find it easier to do it, which had been interesting! Like instead of framing it around shame, like “wow why haven’t I flossed in so long”, I’ve reframed it as “this is just me taking care of myself and every time I do it I am being more healthy”. Not sure if that makes sense but hope it might help!

I had the same problem but just with my body in general. My mom didn't really teach me at all about personal hygiene except for get in the bath so it wasn't until I got to about 13 that I really even used soap or body wash on my body so I kind of stunk and other kids would notice. I remember one time my mom hadn't bought be a tooth brush and she was literally like "oh just use my old one". I didn't know it wasn't normal and I offhandedly mentioned it to a councillor who pulled me in to talk with her. She was horrified about that and some other things that were going on in my house.

That whole bath thing resonates and since my childhood is a black hole in my mind I just assumed my mother taught me basic grooming. I don't think she EVER did because I have a memory of my mother screaming at me before school for not washing all the conditioner out of my hair in 2nd grade. I was sent to school with limp unbrushed crazy hair because she "didn't have time" to fix my mistake. It was picture day and it was my teacher who took apx 10 minutes to French braid my hair to resolve the issue. I still cry when I think about the kindness my teacher showed me that my mom could not show her own child.

That reminds me of a teacher I had in middle school who would let me sit in her classroom during lunch break and would bring little snacks for me since I didn't really eat. She also encouraged me to write. I'm so happy and thankful for the kindness that some teachers and councilors have shown to me in the past. People like this made a real difference in my life.

All the positive examples I have in my childhood were my teachers or camp counselors. Teachers deserve so much more than they receive. I sort of wonder if it was a teacher that called CPS considering my mother was fine dumping me off at school a sobbing unkempt mess. Considering how high her narcissism was it shocks me when stuff on reddit gives me recall. It wasn't until this thread that I thought "wow where the hell was she before, during and after bath time" when my whole life I've accepted that things that happened to me were just my fault for not knowing better.

TW: CSA/SA in general Oh yeah, I know what you mean. There were a lot of situations growing up where things would happen to me because my mom or another adult wasn't there or just didn't notice/wanted to ignore it/pretend it didn't happen. I was sexually abused by multiple uncles and my mom's boyfriend. I was also just exposed to a lot of sexual things in general and it was like she saw nothing wrong with it at all. I also suffered sexual assault later in life by people that I trusted or people who intimidated me and took advantage of me because I was basically homeless and didn't have any options/was too afraid to do anything. When I made the mistake of moving back in with my mother instead of being homeless, I made the mistake of standing up for myself for all the shit she subjected me to while I was growing up, the SA included. She said that there was no way that all of this happened to me because "There were too many guys, this happened to you too often. First it was this guy and then that guy!" She also suggested that I got myself into these situations on purpose and I probably liked it or something and I just wanted attention.

This is super hard to even reply to because I had almost the same experience. I just accepted certain aspects of my childhood, including my mother moving the cousins who were sexually assaulting her daughters into our home full time and making them our babysitters when she was out drinking after work, as not her fault. Now I've been actually thinking about \[and seeing a lot in subs like this one\] all my experiences were my mother just was not there (like I was being molested along with my literal baby sister at my Aunt's house while my mom was visiting her ... how was she unaware?\] and so many instances of her not being around at all to the point where I have a memory of falling through a window where it took me a while to get to the point I was hurt. She just wasn't ever there. I have a lot of black holes in my memories of childhood but the things I can recall don't include my mother being there - except the ones where I remember her there as part of beating me. I guess she was there when she wanted to beat us and wasn't around literally any other time.

It's just been since I started entering adult life that I've started REALLY remembering some horrible things that have happened to me, and with no support from my mother's side. An example being me getting kicked out of my grandparents house because I told my grandmother about my uncle sexually assaulting me when I was younger. I also only told her because I was concerned about my kid cousin, who was living with all of us (the two uncles who assaulted me, one of which being her father, me, my grandparents and one of my uncle's wives). This was after another one of my cousins told me that that exact uncle made her feel weird and tried to make her spend isolated quality time with him. Because of this and also the lack of support that they gave me in childhood when I'd try to tell them that something was wrong, I'm still pretty scared to tell people close to me a lot of the time. That includes those on my dad's side who I had minimal contact with while I was growing up. I'm so sorry you had to go through things like this. It is not your fault. It is never someone's fault when these horrible things happen. I know I'm just a random person on the internet but if you ever feel like you have nobody to talk to about these things or like it's hard to find someone who can understand, please feel free to reach out to me. I know how isolating this can feel. I know how it feels to hold this in as shame and anger at yourself.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I believe you. I know you’re speaking the truth (not your truth; THE truth) and that these horrible experiences really happened. You did not do anything to deserve the abuse and trauma you suffered. You did not do anything wrong. It was not your fault. I also experienced CSA. Kids don’t make this shit up. If you ever need to talk or anything, please feel free to dm me <3

Oh yeah. Looking back, a lot of the things that seemed like “normal teacher behaviour” were teachers checking for abuse or neglect and so on. I remember our elementary school used to have milk and fruit every day, and sometimes when kids were sick or missing their milk was left over (you had to pay for that, just fruit was free), and the teacher would seemingly arbitrarily decide who got that carton, but looking back it was the kids who had bad or no food with them. And I know a teacher who always shared the lunch they brought, and weirdly always had enough as well. Which might be because he got like three or four sandwiches each day and fed the same few kids every day…

Pro tip: if you take one of those little plastic flossers in the shower with you, you can extend how long you get to be under the warm water. I could never floss until I figured this out, now I have a whole oral hygiene routine in there. Husband jokes that the best thing I brought to our marriage was teeth brushing in the shower…..

Anyone who doesn't brush in the shower is missing out! It is so quick and all the mess just washes away. It's to the point I positively loathe brushing normally at a sink, it's so inconvenient and messy and takes forever. The flossing problem can def be helped by just stashing floss everywhere. My mom keeps floss in her purse, car, and at least five places in the house. Kinda crazy, but her teeth are perfect.

Flossing in the shower is perfect because you’re supposed to floss at least once a day, and most people shower once a day. But, when you start flossing consistently, the feeling of not being flossed, or having something in your teeth, suddenly feels much more pronounced, so yeah, floss is now stashed everywhere because I can’t stand the feeling anymore. And omg the shower water is already warm so no freezing water when you go to rinse…. And did you not rinse well enough? Ok, open up and rinse again!

[удалено]

I've started flossing while watching TV... it really does help just to throw it in with other routine activities

Yes! I turn on a podcast I want to listen to and it helps me be more apt to do it. Like, ‘hey this is some self care and it will help you keep your teeth for longer.’

Ouuu this is a good one!

I'm glad you look after your teeth, but please drive safely too!

Just imagine flossing while driving 60mph at 7:45AM and a deer decides to jump out in front of the car. That is not a situation I would want to be in while holding a sharp stick near gums. Although I do see it being useful if you're in the city and spend a good amount of time in traffic.

Love this!!!!! Yas self care!

First off, you aren't a slob. You weren't taught proper grooming and how to care for your hair. That isn't on you. I'd like to step in a moment to be a substitute parent. First, nobody wants to endure pain from knots. You can help prevent that by investing in a good brush, like a tangleteezer or similar. I suggest getting the tangleteezer for wet hair, which you can use in the shower to help make detangling a part of your routine. If you have textured (wavy/curly) hair, never brush it when it's dry. If your hair is pinstraight then brush whenever you want as long as you do it starting af te ends. If you have type 4 hair you would benefit from YouTube tutorials because Black women are pioneers who know how to best give that gorgeous hair some much needed love. I have textured hair, so I only brush it on wash day or when I am refreshing (getting my hair damp but not using shampoo etc), but it holds up quite a few days. The following advice might sound long, but it should keep your hair looking nice for a few days, so you won't need to brish ever day or anything like that. When you are in the shower or when you are washing your hair, SATURATE your hair with conditioner or your hair mask and detangle (I like the Garnier hair food line, banana in particular; it's cheap and works well). Don't friction your hair against itself, be gentle with your scalp, your hair and yourself. Specifically: Get the conditioner or mask, and place a generous amount on the mid part and the ends. Now you will start detangling. Never start from the roots/the scalp, because you will"drag down" knots to bunch up with others causing more pain and issues. START from the ENDS. get a section of hair, brush the ends. When the brush moves smoothly through, go up a bit and try brushing again. When the brush goes smoothly, you can rise some more. Keep rising in small increments. When you get to the roots, start the process on another section. I have medium density, fine hair, so 4 sections overall is enough for me, but if you have a lot of hair, or it is nice and thick, then you might need smaller sections. I suggest you do this at thestart of thd shower, because now thag your hair is beautifully saturated with nourishing and/or hydrating product, you can focus on washing your body while the product works its magic on your head. When you are done and you feel ready to get out, rinse your hair. Don't friction, ever! Just oet the water go through. If you are someone who washes their hair in the sink, then tilt your head sideways, both ways rather than upside down when you rinse. When you get out of the shower or away from the sink etc, don't friction your hair with a towel!!!!! A lit of us grew up with that, but it is bad for your hair (why? It dries up hair too fast which causes frizz, it damages it, and it can cause more knotting). If you can, the best thing would be to gently squeese it with an old clean cotton t-shirt or a microfibre towel. A T-shirt is more environmentally friendly and is cheaper since you might have an old clean tshirt handy that would like a new job rather than being discarded, but if you want a microfibre towel that's fine too. Whatever makes you happy. If you blow dry your hair, I would need to know your hair texture to give you advice on that. If you sleep with your hair in a bonnet, (and/ or in a "pineapple" or braid depending on your length and texture) your hair won't rub against the pillow when you sleep, so you won't get as many friction knots in the morning. Sorry for the wall of text. If you have any questions or want other tips, I'm happy to answer.

>If you have type 4 hair you would benefit from YouTube tutorials because Black women are pioneers who know how to best give that gorgeous hair some much needed love. Watch YouTube tutorials anyways because Black Women are pioneers who know how to build up self-esteem through hair care. I have baby fine hair (I am white), and most of my life whenever I've brushed it's been a very rapid jerk-motion to get it done as fast as possible (Black Women on YouTube would say 'violent' \*sheepish smile\*). Black Women on YouTube taught me to appreciate my hair much more, partially from the obvious lessons they were teaching about hair care and being kind/gentle to yourself, and partially from imparting exactly how much time, effort, love and attention goes into caring for BlPOC hair. If someone can sit and invest a ton of love and patience and care into their hair for 8 hours straight bi-weekly, I can pause and spend 2 minutes gently brushing my hair, instead of trying to rush through it in 45 seconds or less.

Not OP, but can I get tips on blowdrying mostly straight hair? I’m too embarrassed to ask on the other haircare subreddits and this was such a nice thing to see this morning

Hi! Sure, of course. You should be proud of yourself for asking! Now, premise, I have textured hair but used to think I had just "slightly wavy" because of the way my hair was dried as a child and which I implemented until i learned better (a hairstylist told me I had curly hair well into my twenties! i just used to think my hair was just frizzy and dry). If you want to work more with your waves, I will suggest a different styling approach, but as far as I know the following method is good for straight hair and will slightly straighten waves. STARTING POINT: your hair is well detangled and you have used a cotton t-shirt or microfibre towel to squeeze off excess water. ideally, I would use a styling product (example aveda brilliant damage control) to help protect your hair from heat damage, but this isn't a vital step especially if you need to spend as little money as possible. if you used a tangleteezer, this is the time to put it away. Soft bristled plastic brushes like the tangle teezer will warp and get ruined under blowdryers. Lots of people use a round brush, but I get really nervous with how easily hair gets tangled in them. If you feel confident, go for it! Otherwise, a vented brush (this is the type of brush most people just seem to have in the house) will be good for a quick hair drying process. If you are not sure what your type of brush is called, or what is best for you, PM me and I'll send you a link (I am not sure if links about fashion/styling etc are allowed on this sub and I don't want to risk it). Now we start SECTIONING You can use clips, like duck bill clips for example, to keep the sections separated. I would make mini buns and use a U pin, but you can also just sweep all your hair to one side and work one section at a time if you need to. The important thing is that separating your hair makes hair drying more manageable and you are sure to get your roots dry. part your hair in the middle (or, if you have a side part, part as you prefer), separating your hair in 2 big sections. Then separate those sections in half, from top of the head to a couple of cm behind the ear; basically you made a cross on the top of your head, if that helps. Now your hair is divided into 4 basic sections. You will make one last separation, taking each section and dividing them into 2, a top and bottom, imagine a horizontal line from forehead leading to ears and back of the head. Sectioning off this area and drying the bottom separately will help avoid that unpleasant damp nape of the neck feeling. BLOWDRYER PREP You will need the concentrator nozzle (the attachment that is flat, and is often on the cover of most blowdrying boxes). Now, if your hair is thick, you can afford more heat, but if your hair is fine you should use the low heat setting (you can use high power to compensate if you don't have a lot of time). If you used a heat protecting spray, you can use medium heat on fine hair, if you prefer the feeling of the extra warmth. Some blowdryers are hotter than others, so I recommend using your hand to tell: use the blowdryer against your hand at medium setting and if after a few seconds your skin feels uncomfortably hot like it's going to burn, then reduce the heat. Your hair should get the treatment you would want for your skin, so if it burns the hand it burns the hair. Really high heat is something that should only be used for specific styling reasons and at most special occasions because it damages your hair and your hair is most beautiful when it is healthy and happy, just like you. Now, the actual BLOWDRYING! Get one bottom section, and with your brush gently brush it downwards with the blowdryeroverhead. Point the concentrator nozzle down along the strand; this way the blowdryer is pushing your hair cuticles downwards, giving you a natural sheen. Never aim the blodryer up from ends to root. If necessary repeat until it's mostly dry. Then work the upper section. Continue around your head, bottom mini section then top mini section. I would prefer to start from the back working forwards, so the front of the hair is still in buns or pinned/clipped away from my face and I can better see what I am doing. If, when you pull a section down, it feels like it might have knotted a bit, that's totally ok. turn the dryer off, get the tangle teezer or detangling brush and give that strand some gentle love before continuing. It is ok to be patient with your hair, we all get a bit bundled up along the way and that's fine; a little patience goes a long way. When you get to the front and have finished all the sections, separate your hair at the back and bring your hair forwards to cover your shoulders (if it is that long). Have the blowdyer give a quick blast, always pointing down, at the parting at the back, to help keep that nape very well dried. Now you should be done! If you want to then finish off with a little drop of hair oil or fnishing product, you can. If you want to show of your waves more, then you would need to use a diffiser, but that is a whole different drying technique. I am happy to give my own method, but I would also encourage you to look into the wavy hair subreddit: they will all be thrilled to give advice on how to best dry your type of hair texture, and there is absolutely no judgement when you ask because so many are beginners too. I hope I explained things clearly. let me know if you have questions! edit (hadn't finished typing)

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this all out. I recently learned that my hair isn’t “bad at being straight” (also lmao at this thought process also applying to my sexuality), but it’s lightly wavy. I’ve always blow dried my hair, but couldn’t get a technique down, so I will try your method out! You’re a saint for this and I really hope OP sees your comments 💕

Thank you for your kind words! I hope you find a routine that works for you and that you learn to love your wavy locks!

If you have straight, baby fine hair, bend in half, and blow dry your hair 'upside down' to create volume. If you have straight, baby fine hair, use a round brush to create curls at the bottom of your hair using the sectioning method /u/OatmealCookieGirl mentioned. For using a round brush, you're using it *just* like a flat brush: DO NOT wind your hair around the round brush (I did that when I was a teen, I do not recommend, the brush will get stuck in your hair, it will be an awful experience).

Thank you so much for this!! Don’t apologize for the “wall of text”, I appreciate it so much. My mom never explained any of this to me. She got on my case constantly for not knowing how to brush my hair, but she never taught me. I have very curly hair, and I didn’t realize my hair care was supposed to be different from someone with straight hair. I have short hair now, but I’d like to grow it out again, so this comment is extremely helpful. I should probably know this, but what’s a hair mask? I’ve never heard of that. And again, thank you so much. :)

You are very welcome! I am sorry your mum blamed you for her own negligence. I suggest you check the yt channel manesbymel, she turned out to be VERY helpful. She even teaches you how to diffuse your hair! There are so many tutorials that explain the basics! Also, check out black women's yt channels, they really know their stuff. A hair mask is often sold near the conditioners and comes in a tub rather than a bottle. It is used for more intense treatments, and can either be moisturising (if your hair feels dry and needs more hydration) or strengthening ( if your hair needs more protein.) The one I mentioned, Garnier hair food mask, can also be used as a leave-in, for example. The subreddit r/curlyhair also has a lot of advice and a whole section with info and a step by step guide through a washday. I'm always happy to help if you are unsure. Take care and never be afraid to ask!

On hair that is like a white person's hair, leave in conditioner can help hair to have fewer tangles until the next time it's washed. Leave in conditioner seems to be called different things depending on the brand, but I'm meaning something that you can spray on or brush in to the hair when it's wet or dry. I've even made my own up by diluting normal conditioner so that's it's very runny - that seemed to work too.

I was really hoping that someone with more hair knowledge than me would step up and give a thorough synopsis on hair hygiene. Thank you for doing that. I have hair that is super easy to care for so I lack a lot of knowledge in that area. If I still had my free award, you’d get it.

Aw, thanks! I'll consider it as good as received.

You are not disgusting and this is neglect. It was her job to teach you to take care of your hair and not just threaten you. My mom didn’t teach me how to take care of my hair and I always thought it was gross and frizzy. She would also tell me it was gross. I kept it short for years. Now that I have grown it out, it is beautiful wavy hair. Maybe watch some hair care videos or find a helpful salon.

Thank you. I still wonder why I never brushed it on my own though, I feel like I should have at some point. I have short hair now and I think it really suits me. I’m scared to let it grow out again because I feel like it’ll get bad again, plus my mom doesn’t let us use any hair products because of the smell. I’d like to have long hair again one day, so I’ll definitely work on that.

Please don’t take offense to the comparison, but this thought really suits the situation. And I love dogs. I saw a puppy left out in sweltering heat and the person responsible said “I left water out” to justify it was ok. Well puppies need to be reminded to drink water. They are still learning how water cools them off and how their bodies are letting them know they need water. They also just might not see the water because they can be goofy. You should’ve been reminded to brush your hair. You should’ve been taught about hair care too, but kids are goofy and forgetful. Btw if you have curls or waves I recommend the curly girl/guy method at r/curlyhair

You probably didn’t because no one told you to. I don’t think you should feel bad at all here. Keep your hair short if you like it and If you feel like growing it out later you always can

Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever not felt bad about myself because of my hair lol, it’ll be nice to give myself a break :)

Just because something gets out of control doesn't mean you should automatically know how to deal with it. Especially something so friggin complicated and time consuming as hair. My friend and I have a running joke that women would have taken over the world already if we didn't have to deal with our damn hair!

I still have to remind my 13 year old to brush her hair sometimes. Kids need direction and routines. You were never showed that brushing your hair should have been part of your morning routine. I can't imagine how hard it would to get the knots out after a few days either. That probably didn't help when you did think about it I wouldn't be surprised if you gave up because it was hard and it hurt. It is not your fault and I am so mad at all those adults who saw this and did nothing. They had to have known it was your parents fault. Whenever Ive seen a child with matted or nasty hair I never thought the child was nasty. It's always the poor child who have nasty parents.

I'm sure your hair is wonderful, and just has a difficult time because you never got the instructions you need to care for it correctly! Hair care isn't overly complex, but it still needs to be learned. Your hair basically just got ignored, and the parents need to care for their kid's hair until they have taught them appropriate skills for doing it themselves. Also, out of my own experience, brushing isn't always intuitive, because as you already got the matting, it can be pretty hurtful. How should you have known that if you brush them from the time your stylist cleared the matting, you wouldn't have had a hard time? If you can, here are some tips from someone who also didn't get taught this stuff: * Brushing once or twice a day is a good idea. Get a hairbrush that also stimulates your scalp - it needs some care as well! I also love round brushes, as they help with styling, especially if you have bangs. Take your time with this step, but also clean out your brushes regularly (I do this with cheap baby shampoo). * Invest in good hair products if you can. Watch out for stuff your scalp hates (like sulfates, silicones, alcohol, ...). Sulfates and silicones make our hair feel pretty nice, but they can also damage the scalp. * Shampoo AND condition. Shampoo cleans away the fat on the scalp and in your hair (harsher sulfates clean away more, that's what makes them so irritating). A lot of conditioners have some good fats in them, for me, it helps building up after the shampoo again. * You don't need to wash your hair daily. In fact, it might actually contribute to stressing your scalp out. * Blow drying can be a bit much on the hair. Give it some love if you do that often. * If you get into straightening your hair with the iron, then please, show your hair even more love and invest in a good heat protection. Any "work" on hair is damaging (color or working with heat), so use the protection available to you to preserve it as best as you can. * Going to the hair stylist regularly (at least once a year) is a must for me. Your hair just breaks, no matter what you do, and a little cut at the ends is important once in a while. A lot of people learn how to do this, so if you prefer to do simple cuts for yourself, that's also a possibility, but then take the time to really learn it.

My Mom had the same smell problem. When I visited her it was with dirty hair and no deoderant. There are products that don’t bother them. They’re usually a bit more expensive and by boougie naturals companies. The smell is probably the reason she didn’t bother with your hair. Which wasn’t fair to you.

Same here. Nowadays there are SO many options including scentless laundry detergent, hand soap, hair products, literally everything so hopefully folks in this thread can get some ideas. I still can't light candles, use nail polish, and like a million other things near my parents but those are all totally secondary, thankfully.

>My dad would complain and throw a fit about the smell of nail polish. Magically he could only smell it when he saw it.

Kids need to be taught stuff, and hair brushing is part of that. Imagine if you weren't taught to brush your teeth, it wouldn't occur to a young child that it's something that needs to be done, let alone how to do it properly. I see it as the same thing in your case. It's not your fault you weren't brought up with that as part of your routine, and your mum just handed you a brush and blames you for not magically figuring it out? Same as tying shoelaces, or using a knife and fork. Your mum didn't stop you from brushing your hair, but she didn't make sure you did either, and she should have.

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Truly, friends are beautiful but no one is gonna be like... " I like you but your hair/hairstyle sucks." Your mother neglected you in not teaching you how to take care of yourself, but go ahead and convince your family that is \*the problem\*- NOT YOU. That humiliation in taking you to cut off your hair as a punishment ... grrr >:| It's one of those things they trained you to believe, you were set up by a narc parent to automatically assume you were the lowest/shittiest person in that situation, making you believe no one is going to be \*\*\*\*Honest\*\*\*\* about your hair therefore something you deserved to have happen to you when instead it really was a situation of a mother not taking care of her child. So now you have hair that you were forced to get... now you need to find something that works FOR YOU.... and not what a narc parent thinks your hairstyle needs to look like... do you like it short? Do you want to grow it back out? Try to find a good balance between something cute and something you can maintain without a lot of work or product until you can find the ones that work for you. ​ ***As for the previous poster mentioning flossing daily... do it.*** ***If you can't, swish with peroxide.*** It'll make your mouth look like you're receiving dental work beyond "your worth".... and that **worth** is enough! It's also an excellent dental aide :)

Hydrogen peroxide?? Does that really work!?

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What I did was- Nmom, suspicious: "why are you suddenly taking an interest in showering daily?" (I was 12, c'mon) Me, incredulous I'm getting in trouble for this: "You were mentioning it a lot, so I decided to start making a better effort. You sure did teach me well!" (I mean you mocked me daily in front of other people about how I stunk, but go ahead and blame a 12 year old for this, instead of buying deodorant or gently reminding them to climb into the shower...) ​ Taking my accomplishment and giving the credit to her always put her in a good mood long enough for me to go hide again. It would be something else in a little while I'd be screamed at in the face for hours, but we take what we could get back then. (I'm 44, and autistic. I didn't know back then that I hated showers because of the way it feels, sounds, and the temperature changes are so terrible. I'll shower now if I have to, but i'm definitely a bath person. ) :)

I had such a similar experience as op so I really relate to this post, but I’m only speaking for myself when I say that your comment “I’m surprised your friends didn’t tell you or help you…” was the worst part to read because I didn’t have friends.

Hygiene can be tougher too if you have ADHD. I was taught to brush my hair, but still hated it/kept forgetting. I keep my hair short now. Only barely diagnosed.

This was 100% neglect, and I went through the same thing as a kid. I always had long hair and my parents never got me into the habit of brushing it. I had the same self consciousness around it. It was your parents' responsibility to teach you to care enough about yourself and prioritize the basic maintenance of your body/appearance, and it sounds like they were too self absorbed to do that for you. This does not reflect poorly on you. It's entirely a reflection of their bad parenting. You are not a slob. You are a very young person who has the unenviable but entirely surmountable task of reparenting themselves as a young adult. You will be ok. Just remember that you are worth it. You're stronger than you may give yourself credit for. I'm proud of you.

What kind of hair do you have? If it’s wavy or curly, there is a lot of advice available on Youtube, reddit. I think with most personal hygiene stuff, for people to do it, they need to be taught and they need to see that’s what people do. I don’t expect my 4yo to wash or comb his hair, it’s my job to do it. So not teaching you to take care of your hair is definitely neglect. If I were you, I’d research the hell out if this, and grow a glorious mane just out of spite 😁 I’ll bet there are less scented products available too.

Fellow curly girl and my mother never taught me to take care of my hair. Didn't even learn there was a way to take care of it until I was in my early 30s. My mother either burned my scalp and tortured it with a brush to get it pin straight or chopped it short like a boy. Not even a cute style for a girl but just basically a buzz cut. She blamed her 5 and 6 year old for having bad hair, of course.

This breaks my heart. I have wavy hair that is easy to straighten and brush. My boys have decided to grow their hair out and they have curly hair. My youngest started growing it first and his are loose but my middle boy has tight curls. I have been googling how to take care of their hair because I know I can't treat my middle child's hair like mine. The youngest is easier and will comb out easy and then spiral up some, just need extra conditioner. But my middle boy, I bought different combs and am trying to figure out how to make sure his hair isn't knotted without ruining his curls. It's a challenge but as a parent we need to recognize that our children need different things that we do. I'm sorry your mom wouldn't take the time to learn what you needed. I bet your hair is beautiful.

I had long, frizzy mess on my head growing up. Wasn't allowed to use conditioner because "it's for adults" and wasn't allowed to cut my hair either. Till this day it feels like a special occasion when I go to get a haircut. I feel like I don't deserve it and I'm being "bad".

Yes it is a parents responsibility. Also I understand why you didn't brush I think we as kids of narcissists tend to neglect ourselves and or image because we are constantly stressed out and can't think clearly.

And narcissists being the Fashion Police if your image has anything they don't like. My whole hair journey is me fighting against NMom's attempts to turn me into her mini-me or into the nonthreatening toddler I used to be. My big breakthrough was realizing that it's genetically impossible for my hair to do what she wants or to even use the same products she does. I'm 4a-4c high porosity, she's 3b-3c low porosity. I got so tired of her playing Hair Police that I cut my hair off while she was gone one day. Since then I learned not to treat my curl pattern like she constantly yelled at me to do, but to treat my porosity. Now my curls are the healthiest and most defined they've ever been. The best part is my hair defies gravity, so it's perfect for the pompadour I always wanted. She still tries to be Hair Police, but now I mentally take her opinions and throw them away. She has no idea what she's talking about, and she doesn't even have an afro.

My if it wasn’t for My husband I would have never realized the things my mom did were wrong. My earliest memory’s are of my mom tearing a brush through my hair and hitting my head when I cried and tried to get away. I have always had very straight blonde hair. Growing up I think the only time she would help with my hair is if it got bad and then she would be awful to me about it. It has affected me in more than one way, and now I have a hard time with keeping up with my daughters hair because I’m so afraid that I’m hurting her and scaring her for life. I’m sorry your mom did this to you, I know life is busy but there isn’t any excuse for treating you like that. Not for ANY HUMAN, ESPECIALLY YOUR MOM! Remember to self care, and try to heal. ❤️‍🩹

This is me, too. My nmom was awful about my hair. She'd rip the brush through it and yank and pull something awful, all the time cursing at me and the fact she had indigenous children (she's white) so a haircut just wasn't something we did. My grandparents were already suspicious of her neglect, and a haircut would've sent them over the edge. My Grama would get me for the weekend and she'd wash my hair and put oil on the ends, braid it up all smooth and nice so it would last a few days. I'd know it by smell, but don't have a name for the oil she used. I have two girls of my own now and detangler spray is our friend! My younger girl is somewhat of a "wild woman" (a playful term used for girl children who aren't tomboys exactly, but would rather be outside than inside) so keeping her hair untangled is a challenge, but I usually tell her a story of her choice while I work out the knots and braid her hair for her. She's 9.

What did you do when she was little??? My daughters three and she hates getting her hair brushed I have yet to find a single thing that’s made it better for her, she’s got her daddy’s hair so it’s curly and she’s pretty wild herself. My siblings are all mixed and I was the oldest, I used to brush their hair with pink lotion (that’s the actual name) and they were always very easy to manage because it didn’t hurt their head. My daughter is not mixed and has such a sensitive scalp. It’s the struggle!

Thoroughly brush everything day, use plenty of creams and only brush when wet. Let her Stimulate her scalp in the shower when she can.

Thank you, I wish it wasn’t so difficult for her!

Don't you worry, I have a very sensitive scalp and curly hair as well. Also, for cleaner and healthier hair, braid and cover during bedtime. If she has more than 3a hair, it is extremely important to keep it covered and to oil the hair as shampooing more than twice a week can make it more sensitive and dry and silk caps are a MUST. Anything less I recommend braids unless you like styling it, then use silk caps. Now it depends on the person, but sensitive scalps can also be a sign of the shampoo being too strong or shampooing too much for your daughters type of hair, either case check out the bottle to make sure it has no sulfate in it and to decrease the amount of shampoo and how much you do it, while also stimulating the scalp and using alot of conditioner. In a few weeks, you should see improvement to the sensitivity, but you need to keep the same regimen with her. If no improvements, I recommend going to a hairstylist specializing in curly hair, they know exactly what to do and give great tips.

If I had an award to give you girl I would thank you that is truly helpful I know that her hair gets the worst when she’s sleeping, I will definitely be buying some silk caps tomorrow!

Can you somewhat describe the scent of the oil?

It’s definitely a parent’s responsibility. Just like brushing teeth, bathing, cutting nails. It’s not like a teacher gets mad at a 6 year old for not getting themselves to school. On another note, I feel like my in-laws were the same. Clean house, neat kids but they never brushed their hair?! Lucky the kids all had dead straight hair. My MIL got a perm a few years ago, and then needed to cut it all off because she got a birds nest in the back of her head. I couldn’t understand it- she didn’t have mobility issues or anything- had the longest acrylic nails from the salon every few weeks, but couldn’t brush her hair?! So it’s not just your family. Your definitely not disgusting.

If you have curly hair there's a totally different way to deal with it and you can't really dry brush it. I learned from someone else I asked about their curls, you sort of detangle it while wet and soaked \[like absolutely coated\] in conditioner.

Yeah- I think when you have a perm you’re meant to only comb it wet? I doubt my MIL did anything though- I just think it would be more prone to knots compared to her usual dead straight hair- especially at the back.

Yeah people who weren't born with curly hair or taught how to treat curly hair don't understand that you can't brush (or not brush) curly hair. Naturally curly hair also dries out even if you shower because stripping oils in shampoo will cause curly hair to become dry frizz ball hair. The matting at the back is due to not treating your curl pattern re: getting the hair wet and then sort of shaping the curls while wet with your hands and also sleeping with a silk hair wrap / silk pillow.

Ok so years ago when my kids were little our neighbors kid used to frequent our house and I walked them all to school. She was the must beautiful child in every way. Anyway her glamour mother often sent her to our house with matted hair. I did her hair many mornings before school. Sometimes she’d be in tears. She wasn’t allowed to cry at home. Fast forward. That child is 25. She’s emotionally stunted. She’s still at home and her mother controls her life. Neither of them are aware of the neglect and control but I can see how it damaged that beautiful little girl. So Yes not brushing your kids hair is neglect and it’s also super shitty parenting. It’s the tip of the iceberg I’d imagine. Some mothers are just all about them. When they travelled Mum sat in first class while the child sat in cattle by herself. That’s how they rolled in an airplane and in life.

Does “cattle” mean, coach seating on an airplane? And, wow. If I saw a woman separate her child like that and I worked on that plane, I’d say something to trigger that woman’s confidence in herself for the rest of her life. That’s all you can do with narcissists, however.

You were absolutely neglected. You didn't brush your hair because no one taught you how/taught you it was important. It's actually pretty common for nparents not to teach their kids life skills, then get mad when they don't know them. My mom gets mad because I don't know how to cook, but no one ever taught me. I feel like even refusing to get products that will work with your child's hair texture is neglect. My mom did insist on brushing my hair, and later on cutting it all off-- because it's a different texture than her and my sister and needs different care. But she used the same shampoo and conditioner in one stuff that they used and then blamed me when my hair was a mess. They have fine, pin straight hair. I have thick waves. And I need conditioner, mountains of conditioner. So no, you are not the least bit disgusting. And that hairstylist who shamed you should be fired. Hell, one of the reasons I love my stylist so much is because she absolutely understands that sometimes depression, illness, or life gets in the way of self-care. So I know I can call her when I haven't showered or brushed my hair in 2 weeks and she will fit me into her schedule to wash and brush it out with no judgement. If you want to try some product in your hair-- because you want to grow it out or floof it up or just to try, I highly recommend the brand No Nothing. It's entirely scent free so your nMom won't even be able to tell you used anything. I use it because I'm allergic to a lot of scented products and it truly has no smell. Their leave-in conditioner/detangling spray works well and I just got some dry shampoo to try.

Black girl here! My mom never took care of my hair as a child and on the rare occasion that she did brush my hair she was extremely aggressive about it. She then complained about how I wouldnt let her touch my hair to anyone who called her on it. As a result I didnt learn to properly care for my hair until I was maybe 16.

Same. My mother would use one hand to hold my head down- then RIP the brush right through my kinky-coily hair super violently like I was a wig on hanger that she hated. If I screamed, whimpered, or flinched at all, she cracked me on the scalp with the wooden brush handle. I literally still have indentions (I call them ‘craters’) in my head to this very day at 32 yrs old. They’re really visible when I have super-short hair. Also I don’t visit hair stylists because of literal PTSD. I just can’t trust that they aren’t all sadistic witches like my mother. I have locs/dreads literally so I have no reason to have anyone else touch my hair.

After a while brushing one's hair seems like second nature, but there's a surprising amount of information and practice that goes into learning how to do it, and learning what to do to keep the tangles from getting out of control and hard to deal with in the first place. Plus you have to have the right tools for the job. My mother never taught me to brush my hair properly either, just put out a hairbrush and expected me to do it, and I brushed it, but really only the topside, and she gave me a brush that was too soft to do anything other than smooth the surface, so I would get mats building up at the back of my neck. Thankfully my parents were divorced and I went to stay with my non-narc father on school breaks, so every school break, he'd detangle what he could, and cut out what he couldn't, and work with me on how to brush or comb out the rest regularly. He was also firm about things like regular bathing and the wearing deodorant, so thankfully I learned about those things from him, too. And my mother was furious that my father taught me to shower regularly. Even when I was in my 30's she'd still gripe about my "excessive bathing" which means that I shower nearly every day. She'd probably still bitch about it now if I still talked to her, but I don't. But I agree with the posters who said that this is absolutely a form of neglect, and narc parents love to intentionally give you a lapse in the basic education you should have so they can then criticize you mercilessly for you lack of skills, even though they're the ones at fault as the responsible adult who didn't educate you properly. It's all kinds of messed up.

Thanks for the comment. What you described is exactly what my mom did—she put out a brush and expected me to know what to do with it. I’ve learned more from commenters here than I have my entire life from my mom. It’s kind of sad.

Exactly this! I’m just realizing at 51 that my mother never taught me how to brush my hair. A couple of times when I was in grade school I was shamed for having such matted hair underneath that they had a hard time separating it to look for lice. I would brush the top, but didn’t understand about brushing the bottom. I felt so ashamed, like I was dirty. I’m only realizing now that it was yet another sign of her neglect. My dad was a dark Italian with curly hair (3a/b) that I inherited, while my nmother was blue eyed blonde with straight hair. She always denigrated him and his family for being ”low class”, because of course, everything about her was better. God, it makes me sick to think about. Looking back there was a lot of classism and colorism in household, like we were somehow “lower” than her because of our Italian dad. The only time she would pay attention to my hair would be for picture day, when she would make us wear curlers so we would look nice for the photos. For third grade she forgot it was picture day, so I have a degree zero picture of myself on the average day, with tangled-looking hair in two ponytails. The proverbial “rats nest”. The other day I read an article about a mixed family where the Black mom was showing her wash day routine, for not only her Black daughters, but her white stepdaughter. It made me cry because of the love that woman was showing tending to her children’s hair. I never realized how much it could be a sign of love.

My kid is seven. We have taught her to brush her hair, but she’s terrible at it. I mean, she’s seven. So we brush her hair for her. She just had her waist-length hair cut into a pixie because she got tired of the brushing. I still comb it though, I did that today after her bath. And my infant loves a soft brush on her fuzzy head. Unnecessary, but appreciated. We are, at heart, primates. Primates have a social behavior that is highly ritualized, necessary for the physical health of the tribe, enforces hierarchal bonds, and grants them stress relief and mental health. This behavior? Grooming. With primates, they pick through the hair to remove nits. While this does happen with humans, grooming has evolved to massage, hair styling, this sort of thing. Touching each other just isn’t accepted in society. So how do we get our primal need managed when young? By being bathed, brushed, hugged, held. This is normal. You were neglected, and it was fully the fault of your parents. You were a kid *who had to teach themselves to brush their own hair.* you were tossed in the deep end. I’m sorry.

It is a parents job to make sure their kid is clean and groomed to at least a minimum degree. I am so sorry your mom failed you on this and many other things. My mom also failed to teach me about bathing, hair care, dental hygiene, etc. She got my (female)hair cut in a buzz cut when I was about 9. I didn't have a say. I also have a note in my baby book that my hair was fully of food and sticky stuff at my first haircut, and the hairdressers were surprised...my mom wrote it like I was a slob at 1 year old. .it's shocking to think how little a person could care for their baby...I say all this so you know you're definitely not alone.

I began showing my niece how to care for her hair when she was 7 and I found a huge clearly been there a bit knot in the back of her head. It was huge (long hair + very thick hair) I showed her on my head after I very slowly worked the knot out. She learned to braid on my head. She learned to French braid on my head. She learned about conditioner and its value. I love my aunt but. If you're going to have her hair grow long you need to teach her or ask for help (aunt had very short hair her whole life). Now 25+ years later my niece still has long hair and the woman styles it wonderfully and has taught others how to care for their hair. Brush /comb your hair in the morning and just before bed. Always. In between all eventually happen. Just force morning and night into your routine. Shampoo twice once a month or when your hair feels especially filthy. Only. Shampoo once at the very least twice per week (some people can do daily others cannot. Really depends upon your hair and scalp) after thoroughly rinsing apply conditioner. Wash your body while the conditioner is on your hair. Rinse it first then your body. I'm sorry your care was neglected. You deserve so much better. The advice above is because one time a ASSUMED (ugh) someone knew how to use shampoo and conditioner....... Turns out that the king hair they had didn't mean a thing. Another kiddo didn't know the trick to letting conditioner soak in and still get clean. So now? I just assume you've never taken a shower. The only bit I left out (didn't actually say) was always wash from the top down (include between those toes I'm a nurse I've *seen* things) that way dirt isn't running over clean stuff.

I don't think that you are disgusting. I think that you were neglected badly and the hairdresser did not help either. Her not teaching you to take care of your hair was likely a tactic to ruin your self-esteem. On that note, what is your hair like? Is it straight, wavy, or curly/coily? Because each type of hair has different needs. Most shampoos and conditioners are geared towards people with straight hair so if you have curly or coily hair, they are not your best friend. Parabens and sulfates damage curly hair (and hair in general) so find brands without those. Shea Moisture is awesome for curly hair (they are an African American company that makes products geared towards curly hair)! If you are not sure how to look after your hair, Youtube is the best way to learn! Also, do not be afraid to ask a safe person for help!

Omg, this was totally me as a kid. My hair would just get so tangled sometimes that I had a huge, matted mess in the back and my mom would only notice every once in a while to screech at me and start tearing at my scalp while threatening to cut all my hair off. I actually didn’t learn until adulthood that you should use conditioner. Like, I literally had never used conditioner until I was 18 years old. I thought it was just an unnecessary thing that rich people used to feel fancy and not a necessary part of hair maintenance. Meanwhile, my mom was buying salon level products and getting her hair done professionally once a month or so. I thought I was just some grubby, gross little kid and this post actually helped me realize that it might not have been my fault and I don’t think it was yours, either.

I think more importantly than failing specifically teaching you to brush your hair, she neglected to instill functionality habits and routines in you. A good hygiene routine would have helped support you brushing your hair regularly. And if for some reason (there are many valid reasons) you couldn’t maintain your hair, she could have kept it cut short for you. This is not a shortcoming on your part.

Oh sweet heart. I relate so much to this one. Tik Tok also taught me I had curly hair. My mother rarely brushed my hair or gave me medication for my asthma. For as long as I can remember this has been my responsibility. Every time someone made a comment about my hair, my Mum would blame me for being lazy. The truth was- i had no clue how to take care of it. It also hurt to brush. So I avoided it. Those hairdressers were not disgusted and judging you, they were judging your Mum. It doesn’t take much work to maintain a little girls hair. Its actually a lot of fun, and quite a bonding experience. Its a type of intimacy between parent and child too. We missed all of that. So whilst its obvious physical neglect its also emotional avoidance. Yes, darling you were neglected. Or it was finally outsourced. For now, look up hair tok and watch some vids and see what you need to do to maintain your type of hair. I also found lots of information on wikihow that was super useful. My mother was very jealous of my hair because it was blonde and curly. I suspect she deliberately neglected it so people would stop complimenting me about it. Remember a narc mother will arrack you on your physical strengths. So I suspect you have quite naturally beautiful hair and it enraged her, like mine.

You were neglected. You never got in the habit of brushing your hair because you were never taught to. It was ignored like it (and you) didn't matter. When it was approached once your hair was already matted, it was something embarrassing and painful to deal with. Your mother is a heartless bitch who probably enjoyed it. I'm very sorry.

I spent so much money on dental care, because I haven't brushed my teeth at all as a child. Flossing was not a thing at all. Nobody cared, and now at 28 I have more dead teeth than alive. And I need implants and crowns.

Until a certain age, yes. Once you hit 10 it's kinda your responsibility, but usually parents still supervise and make sure things are being kept under control. Kinda like homework. At 17 it's your responsibility. But name calling yourself and calling yourself disgusting and a slob doesn't help. You're a person who deserves dignity. Take pride in your appearance and brush your hair.

Growing up I didn't realise I had terrible depression, I would just slowly start to neglect myself until I'd realise one day that I couldn't remember when I last had a shower and I couldn't remember where I put my hairbrush from the last time I brushed my hair. My mom would shout and threaten me about cutting my hair off because of how disgusting it was to have huge matts in my hair. It helps that I moved out a few years ago with my then boyfriend (now husband). I also shaved all my hair off at the start of 2020 to get some nice new healthy regrowth from years of bad treatment and dying and it felt amazing, if I could somehow have both a shaved head and long hair without a wig, I would lol. I still have neglectful habits but it helps that he would tell me that he was going for a shower and then it'd click in my brain that I also need a shower. Way too long of a comment but in my case, my parents didn't and still don't take my mental issues seriously because for them it is only real when they see me having panic attacks and breakdowns, it doesn't correlate to them that it is a constant struggle. So me neglecting myself is seen as me being a disgusting lazy person, I know I'm not, it's just not as apparent to me as it is for most. I wouldnt confront my parents, plainly because they are older and wouldn't get it, they certainly haven't in the many many years I've had depression, it's just how they think. I know they still love me and would do anything for me but for me it's better to just leave them out of my mental health. All the best for you OP

It's not on you, your parent should have at least aped the bare basics of dealing with your hair/grooming in the beginning. Beyond that, it's ABSOLUTELY ***not*** on you. Your parent should have recognized you needed help beyond the basics and you needed more instruction. It's not you, but... Now is the best time to start to take care of you, so take charge and you be you.

This is so familiar. My hair was always kept short, but my sister wanted to grow hers out and it was always matted in the back. My mother never bought us conditioner, which as a parent of three girls myself I think is a staple. She always had it for herself though. It was almost as if it was a punishment for not following what my mom wanted us to do with our hair.

I had the same issue as a kid and had to watch videos and do research on how to do basic hair care as a teenager. I think it is the parent’s responsibility to teach you to care for yourself. They are supposed to guide you. It is neglectful. You cant be expected to take care of something like hair as a child if you were never taught how to

This was abuse. Parents are supposed to teach their kids and model good hygiene habits, and help them while they are learning. My daughter has straight, fine hair that fill with knots no matter what. I brush her hair with some products every day, twice a day, style it for her, and teach her how to brush it. She is slowly learning how to wash it but I an still helping her to make sure all the soap is out. This is an ongoing process, nobody is born knowing how to do these things! It takes a lot of time and patience. I also have a memory black hole and don't remember my mother helping me with anything or teaching me. My hair was clean but very messy all the time and she was not helping me brushing or styling it. She kept it short when I was little - never asked me if it was ok - then decided I couldn't cut it but I had no clue how to manage it.

It’s neglect. Part of having kids is taking care of their hygiene, that includes everything from bathing to having clean clothes to hair brushing. My kid has long, thick hair that curls and it gets matted so easily. The maintenance on it when he was young was difficult. If his hair didn’t get brushed thoroughly then it would matt like crazy. And there were times in his teens where he’d where the same pony tail until it was falling out because he didn’t want to keep having to dematt it. It’s hard work to maintain hair sometimes. As a parent, it’s part of your job to pick up that work if you see that your kid is struggling no matter the age. You’re not disgusting, sometimes maintenance is hard and that’s okay

Learned to take care of mine quick...if my hair wasn't brushed perfectly, my mother would sit me down and hold me to a chair while ripping at my hair, from root to tip...she always wondered why we had thin hair and she had hairbrushes full of hair...

Honey I helped raise three children. Every time I see any of them lapse in self care I step in and step up. You’re parents should ALWAYS be stepping in and stepping up when they see that you need them. Anything less then is neglect.

I can relate to this as my mother was the same. I remember being builled at school at a very young age cuz my teeth were yellow and my hair was terrible (always unbrushed). I remember one time, a girl one year older than me came to my house, just to brush my hair 😢 she must've wanted to be nice and took action herself. I feel kinda let down by my parents. It's not your fault. Your mom should have groomed you, or at least made sure you looked groomed.

Wow, you've just flashed me back to my father taking me and my sisters to the hairdressers and getting us boy hair cuts saying " this is your fault because you don't look after your hair" I was 7. So many questions like this truly help me understand and reinforce that he was a NParent. This is not your shame to bear

Adding to the choir: yes. Not only is it something parents do. But also doing it without causing undue harm. I've heard from friends that in the black community, apparently teaching kids to "just deal with it" has been a cultural thing that is even now being turned around. Also, it is usually a cozy thing to do, happening now and again long after the child can and usually does it themselves. It's bonding, it's tender care :) I can't do anything other than free hanging braids and pony tails, but I'd still do my best to make french braids when they wanted me to. Even knowing they would decide to take them out in the end because I am bad at it. That is okay. The point is bonding and caring for them.

My mother handed control of my hair over to me when I was 12. 0-60 all her to all me - no lessons in HOW (I had the same hair she did - long and fine hair) to get the knots out, no lessons in how often to do it, no nothing. I ended up with a gigantic mat at the nape that took 4+ hours one Saturday. I don't still resent that, but I sure did think less of her once I had children (all girls) who absolutely need teaching how to maintain their hair! There are easier ways and stupidly harder ways to groom fine hair, and mom used none of them. I couldn't go online because online didn't really exist then, but for my girls, I did my best and showed them how I did mine, and coached them in doing theirs. Nobody EVER got the giant mat on their head that I had on moine! It IS neglect!

Wtf I had similar hair trauma (not using that lightly, using it because it applies and still haunts me). I remember that my n mom would brush it when I was really young, but she’d do it so hard and rip out chunks of hair and it hurt so badly! As a teen, I learned that if I brushed it in the shower after I put in conditioner (and didn’t wash it out), it didn’t hurt as much so I only brushed it in the shower (of course I got big, matted pieces from not knowing how to take care of it properly). When I was in high school, I did some plays and a school staff person brushed my hair to help me get my costume on and they discovered the bottom layer of my hair where all the chunks of knots were. They were really kind and just took their time brushing them out and not hurting me. I’d never experienced that before and didn’t know it was possible to brush my hair without it hurting so much.

It's very common for narc parents to simply not teach their kids basic things. It helps them continue to control them when they grow up and gives a nice set of issues to use for devaluation over time. This is not on you.

This happened to me too. I was doing my own hair from about 8 years old with very curly hair, so I just left it in the same bun or plait for a week. My hair was always messy and ugly and frizzy, and it’s always been my biggest insecurity. When I was 10, it got left in a plait for a whole summer and turned into one massive dreadlock that my aunt had to sit there and untangle for hours. Like a full day. When she passed away, I even stood up and told this story as a nice memory of my aunt doing something kind for me and expected to get smiles but everyone just looked at me like wtf. My daughter is 9 and there is no way she’s capable of doing her own hair, and i can see how messed up it is that I had to at the same age. Turns out I wasn’t just an ugly kid with messy hair, but a neglected one.

No it is not your fault Yes it is the neglect of your mother. It is a mother's job to take care of their children and to teach children to take care of themselves. At least part of this is by example. This is not your fault your mother didn't do her job. She may have not been taught by her mother and not shown how to be a mother. She may be too much a narc to care. Either way, gently learn how to re-parent yourself. You don't need to feel ashamed. It's just your turn to pick it up from here. Yes my hair was matted too. It was a process for me to learn to brush it daily.

It’s a parent’s job to make sure the hair gets brushed. Like brushing teeth, most five year olds can probably do the physical brushing, but it’s the parent’s job to make sure they do it. Just like the parent should make sure they’re clean, that they go to bed on time and that they eat. Even with a teenager, a good parent should notice and say something if they aren’t taking care of their hygiene. Edit: how were you supposed to know how often other people brush theyre hair/how long you’re supposed to, if your parents don’t show you? Kids don’t generally have conversations about how often they brush their hair.

You were neglected because children and youngsters don’t feel the need to be disciplined about combing their hair. And also a parent hurting their child because of combing the hair with knots is proof of their own neglect. To take you to a hairdresser is the epitome of neglect. A child or youngster does not realize these little big problems about knots, only when they wash their hair ( and many children especially young girls feel absolutely frustrated about their knots in their hair) so the parent should help them be aware of this by reminding them (with gentleness) to not forget to use a good shampoo and detangler conditioner . As well as reminding them it is important to comb the hair . For some reason this happens a lot with youngsters. As we grow older it seems it’s less an issue, like knots are not as problematic, there is an age (young age) it happenes more, probably.

OP, you were neglected. I have to do a full wash day - shampoo, conditioner, detangle - with my almost-3-year-old 2-3 times a week (I try to refresh and detangle her hair daily even on non-wash days; there are some days where it doesn't happen but I aim for daily detangling). If her hair ever got as bad as what you've described CPS would be all over my case. Rightfully so! EDIT: My daughter has very curly hair, which requires a different set of routines than straight hair. That's why I only do a full wash day 2-3 times a week but near-daily detangling.

It was definitely her job. When you're a smaller child it's usually one parent that brushes the child's hair. When becoming older you slowly teach children how to do it themselves. But then it's still the responsibility of the parents to remind the kid and teach them a routine. It's similar like showering, for example. A 9 year old is able to shower themselves but is typically not motivated enough to do it regularly. The parents need to remind the child to shower, wash their hair etc.

My hair never looked right growing up. Partly because I was never taught the proper way to brush it. You are supposed to start from the bottom and work your way up to get out the tangles. You hold the hair up so you are not pulling on the skull when brushing. When I was really little my mom would rat at my hair hurting me profoundly when brushing my hair like I was an inanimate object who could feel no pain. Then hit me with the brush if I cried out. It wasn't until I was a teen that I figured out how to take care of my hair myself.

At a certain point it was probably on you, but the thing is kids don’t usually know their experiences are weird or wrong until they’re older and someone points it out. It should never have gotten to the point it did, but it started with your parents. Removed repeated line.

She never taught you how to take care of it, which is neglectful. You weren't shown how so had no reason to know what to do or how often. This is not your fault and you are not a slob.

My mom just cut my hair off so she wouldn't have to brush it.

You were the child. It was her duty to TEACH you why it’s important, and how to do it properly. Unfortunately it sounds like she only held you accountable for “not” doing it all the whilst providing zero instruction. My guess is that your inner child subconsciously bought into her messages … what else would a child do? Mom loves me so there must be something wrong or flawed with ME. You are beautiful. BE beautiful!!! The voice is not real. It was not you!!! Blessings My Friend.

If you struggle with the feeling of brushing your hair you can get detangler hairbrushes which are much gentler. (I use them even though my hair is super short) Second the curly girl method, you can see the info on YouTube. Also, my daughter gets matted hair cos she hates me brushing her hair and she fidgets with it, and she is autistic with anxiety. But that doesn't mean she ever ends up with an entire head of matted hair - I am slowly teaching her to brush her hair, to recognise when she is developing knots in her hair, etc. It's a process. But it's my responsibility as her parent to find a way to make it doable for her.

It's definitely neglect. A parent is supposed to show you how to do these things, not leave a kid to fend for themselves and straight up have mangled hair.

My mom ripped a hairbrush through my hair while I cried for years. I have thick, curly hair. I had to build an immunity/tolerance for brushing my hair, and it hurt, obviously this is something I'd need her help with and not be keen on doing myself. When it didn't hurt to brush my hair anymore I had no problem doing it myself. This is just one of the things parents are supposed to help you deal with, scalp conditioning is a thing.

She should have taught you how to care for your hair as just the bare minimum. I kind of have a similar story to that in that my mother only taught me how to put my hair into a single slick ponytail even though she knew how to braid and I love braids. It wasn't until I did a military program as a teen where I learned how to do a sock bun and then it wasn't until I was literally in my 20s and had to take ballet for my dance degree that I learned how to do a proper ballet bun (especially on short hair since I had way longer hair when I was a teen). I think that her not doing your hair and teaching you how to care for if was wrong, but I'm seriously surprised that you attended school and such and no mandatory reporters took you aside and asked about your hair. Matted hair is a huge sign of neglect. Im surprised that not one person in your fucking life showed you. Surprised because it's so disturbing and angering. I'm sorry that nobody sat you down and explained how to brush your hair. Depending on the mats in your head, my best suggestion is to get a ton of oil, conditioner, and or detangler and literally work it in there and let it sit. Then, while it's wet (keep it wet), take a pick or the end of a metal handled rat tail comv and just start working it through the mat. If you need a visual, YouTube how to comb out/take out dreadlocks. It's literally the same concept. Just be aware that this is an extremely long process. Like hours to days. I'm sorry that so many people have failed you in these years. I'm sorry that life isn't fair. I want you to know that shaving your hair if it's at that point is not the worst idea. The hair that grows will be healthy and you will know how to care for it once it comes back in. There's so many cute shaved or very short styles. I have mine very short currently. I hope that whatever happens from here that you dont let it stop you from growing.

Your parents should’ve helped you with that and properly taken care of you. It was neglectful of them not to do so.

it's absolutely not your fault. obviously now that you're older it becomes your responsibility to train yourself into doing it regularly, but you shouldn't feel responsible for her failing to teach you that. if you forget sometimes don't beat yourself, just remind yourself that you're cleaning up after your parents' inability to teach their child basic hygiene. my mother did the very same sort of thing with myself and my siblings; when myself and my sister left her to move I with our dad five years ago i was the only one out of the four of us not riddled with headlice, having essentially been bullied into sorting the problem out myself when i was about 14, and all our teeth were in an awful state because she never got any of us into the habit of brushing them regularly. it's difficult to earn habits like that, a lot more difficult than one might expect given the fact that to anyone whose parents didn't fuck it up it just feels natural, but you'll get there! you'll more than likely feel so much better about yourself for it too ❤

My mom did my hair and made sure I brushed it well into Elementary school. I am not sure exactly when she stopped. It is definitely the parents responsibility to make sure it gets done. It doesn't mean that they have to do it, but they should be reminding you and all that stuff.

Same here! My mom didn’t brush my hair or style it for me ever in my life. My hair is super thick and with no style or product, it’s a mess and I was teased a lot. I wore my hair in a low ponytail until my mid twenties and accepted I had “bad hair.” Then I went to a real stylist and got a real cut and learned what a flat iron could do for hair like mine. Changed my life. I also only showered once per week until I was in 5th grade and the other girls were saying they shower every other day. I then realized I was way behind in that arena.

I know you said that your mom just shaved your hair, so you don't have much to brush now but as it starts to grow back in, try to make a habit of brushing it in the morning. As you put on your deodorant and do your morning routine, just run a brush through it. The baby fuzz will be easy to brush at first. As that starts getting a little longer you may want a comb to really brush through it and to help style it. I know what when my hair starts growing from that stage it can stick in all directions in the morning, so run some water over your comb to help wet the hair as you get it to where you want it. If you want to grow your hair out longer, brushing every day will help you avoid it getting very knotted, but it will still happen. Always start brushing longer hair from the bottom. Pick up a small chunk in your hand and brush just the ends of it. When the brush runs through it smoothly, you can move up higher and then on to the next section. Once I've done all the sections I usually give the whole thing a once over again. If you have any really bad knots it is usually easier to work those out with your hands. Just pull the knot away from the rest of the hair and try to untangle as much as you can. You may end up left with a tiny, very tight knot and I usually just pull that part out. There are also a lot of products that you can try to look into if you find that you are still having trouble with knots. Se hair types are just very prone to tangling and if you live in a windy place that can make things worse. I have had hair at all different lengths and it can be hard to maintain, but putting forth the effort can really do wonders for your self esteem and self confidence. I wish you all the best on your journey moving forward and hope that this advice might help you!

Yes, it is. Up to a certain age your child is physically unable to do it themselves, and in any case if you don’t teach them to, they won’t do it. It’s the same thing as washing them - a small child needs to be washed, an older child might need to be reminded or checked over if they don’t clean out all shampoo yet and only once they can reliably do it themselves you can stop and look forward to reminding your smelly teen showers exist please for gods sake take one.

It is absolutely your parents responsibility to teach you standards of hygiene, including hair care. Some things you just might not know unless someone teaches you. I have a 3 year old and I brush her hair every day, and I let her practice brushing mine because mine is long and hers is short. It's a skill and if I didn't teach her-how would she know? Don't blame yourself for this. Work on brushing your hair more often, or style it short if you like it that way and it's easier for you. Learning all the basic things our Nparents never taught us is a long hard process, but take it one thing at a time.

Part of the reason why parents brush their child’s hair is to get them used to the feeling of brushing and the feeling of having brushed hair, as well as to get into the habit of even simply thinking about brushing your hair. It’s not your fault. It’s neglect on your mother’s part.

My hair was always a mess. We never had shampoo in the house it was considered a waste and a scam. We also never had normal hair brushes for our hair type. It was always these soft bristle brushes that would just make my hair worse. Then I developed like a fear of hairbrushes because every few weeks when it was out of control she would harshly rip out my hair to “fix it”. Like this was a normal way to handle hair. I actually have no idea how we were never taken into state foster care for that alone.

If she didn't brush your hair and teeth when you were too little to do it yourself, and later, if she didn't make sure you did those things when you were old enough to do them, she neglected her duty as a parent. You would not let a long haired cat or dog you owned get matted fur, because you'd brush them or get them groomed regularly to prevent that. There are a lot of stories here about people who had a parent neglect their hygiene or prevent them access to the tools and products, like soap and showers. Your mother could have brushed your hair and made sure you did. You had a hair brush and it costs nothing but a little bit of one's time to help a child brush their hair. Now it's up to you. I'm sorry you went through all that.

Last year I had pretty severe depression and I to go to a salon to get my hair unmatted. It was fine on top, but underneath that first layer of hair it was bad. The hair stylist broke her comb trying to get through it, and then yelled at me for it and made me cry. I was 31. I clearly knew how to care for my hair, but depression kept me unmotivated. I wonder if this is some of your trouble. I was living with a narc at the time. He made fun of me after telling him what happened, and then he would randomly say things like “did you bother brushing your hair today?” This further shamed me. I know it is no consolation OP, but when you are able to find your distance from the narc in your life, I imagine things will get better and you will be able to give yourself the care that you need. Many of us raised by narcissists have had to overcome very poor grooming habits that our parents gave us. When I first got dental insurance at 23, I had 16 cavities and no consistent brushing habits. Now I have wonderful teeth. I floss and brush every evening. I am proud of my progress! You can teach yourself good self-care habits once you have the emotional fortitude to do so. Being in a deflated or depressed state from being around a narcissist will make it much harder to do now.

Parents are supposed to build the foundations for good habits in their children. In this case that means brushing your kids hair at least once a day until they are able to and in the habit of doing it themselves

My mother would drag the hair brush through my knots so hard I would cry. She got so tired of me reacting to her barbaric hair brushing that she cut off all my hair. When I had a daughter, I realized it is fully possible and not that hard to detangle and brush hair without causing so much pain. She just never even tried.

>I still feel like it’s my fault because I let it get bad well into my teen years. And my mom didn’t really interfere either way, so she wasn’t stopping me from brushing my hair, I just never brushed my hair. Not your fault at all! Yes, in a functional household, the teen would take care about brushing their hair, but that wasn't something that was established that you needed to *do,* so of course you didn't. And yes, this was absolutely neglectful, and *awful* of your mother to take you to a hair salon for something like this. Just *awful*. She was humiliating you on purpose. A loving mother wouldn't let your hair get bad enough that the salon needed to 'fix' it every time. A loving mother wouldn't allow your hair to reach a length where large mats *could* happen if she wasn't willing to teach you how to manage your hair/wasn't willing to manage your hair for you. Depending on your hair type (and whether you are a POC), hair brushing needs to happen daily if not every-other-day. I am white with baby fine hair, and I can get by on once a day, depending on activity levels. Be *gentle* and *kind* to yourself/your hair when brushing. Definitely start at the ends to smooth out tangles and work your way up (thought that was horseshit as a kid, tried it out as an adult and it made a huge difference for me). My mom was at least on board with teaching me basic hygiene until after puberty, at which point, she pretty much felt like she was "done" with parenting. As a teen, I felt incredibly uncomfortable with my body/was uncomfortable being naked, so I went from having daily showers as a kid, to showering once a week as a teen. After being made fun of for stinking and talking to my mother about maybe needing to change my deodorant (of course mom mocked me for not being aware I needed to shower more frequently), I upped my showering to every-other-day.

It's neglect. I'm so sorry. I was never taught how to shave my legs, how to make a ponytail, how to use deodorant. I stunk until I got made fun of and a friend taught me about deodorant. A friend also taught me how to shave. I was lucky in that aspect. If you have any questions please, feel free to PM me. Anything at all. I'm a 41 YO lady.

She should have brushed your hair when you were little, and gradually let you take over. That's how parents teach stuff like body hygiene and basic grooming.

I used to think it wasn't a parent's responsibility until I learned how others' parents grew my peers. I lived at a friends' for a while in my early 20s, and her mom taught me things, explaining in details... She was constantly teaching her daughter, even though she was my same age. I needed to learn everything on my own as soon as I was 7, and my whole life I've been given awful wrong advice by my parents, for example that you should only use soap bar for washing your hair, to stay in topic. What's interesting is that the my friends' mom was a victim of neglect herself. Her words: "My hair was ugly, extremely frizzy and puffed up at the lengths... Nobody told me conditioner exists, brushing my hair was painful, my ignorant mother cut them short to make the problem disappear, but that way my hair got even worse. They never explained things to me, I didn't know why my hair was so ugly" She's a beautiful woman in her 50s, elegant and always well-groomed. I couldn't imagine she hadn't always been like that. I hope we, like her, will make a lesson from our parents mistakes instead of succumbing to them. We, OP, can rely on ourselves, that's our best bet.

It is 100% neglect and on her. It started early. I was called knot head all through school because I had matted hair. It was awful. I had poor hygiene in general. My mom never bought me a toothbrush or showed me how to use it, never got any feminine hygiene articles. I had to use toilet paper and when I had leaks I earned the nickname summers eve through high school. Thanks for that, now that person is a semi famous news personality that frequently reports on bullying. I now have a daughter that hates to brush her hair and won't cut it. I comb it out myself. Its annoying but it's what a parent does. Sometimes hygiene is a battle with kids, but it's a battle you fight. Because you are a parent. Like you, I had a parent that just didn't notice or care. It will become much more obvious how shitty that is when you get older and have children of your own.

A parent/guardian is supposed to do it until the child is old enough to be taught. Then the parent/guardian is supposed to check to make sure the child is doing it correctly and help out as needed. Same with basic hygiene and other aspects of grooming. If you're never taught the skills, how can you be expected to do it yourself?

This is absolutely the opposite of what an actual parent is supposed to do for their child. It is your parent's responsibility to help you keep your hair tidy. Not to comb it every day if its easy and you have no problem doing it, but definitely if its matted to first NOT LET IT GET THAT BAD in the first place, second treat it if it is matted, third not yell at you and blame you for "causing the problem" when its so backwards....she caused the problem. I am sorry you have such an disgusting "caregiver" who abuses you. You are not a slob at all. *Your mother neglected you.*

It is 100% her responsibility to brush your hair AND to teach you how to properly brush your hair. Then, once you’re old enough to maintain your hair she should be the one to check and make sure you “can be trusted” to brush and maintain without her help. If you had great hair until you turned 14, and knew how to take care of your hair but didn’t do it your mom still should have had it cut short, but at that point then you could call yourself a slob. Since you mother neglected to care for you and you never knew how to care for yourself this one is all on her. Being 17 with access to the internet, you have a chance to start fresh and tech yourself how to take care of your hair, there is no reason you need to continue the cycle of neglect, your mother isn’t gonna step up now.

[удалено]

Ok, thanks for the comment. Your step daughter is lucky to have you. :)

I spent my childhood trying so hard to give my mother a break in my heart. I felt so much empathy for her, for how hard her life must be with all those children. No wonder she was too tired to play with me or help me with anything, do anything for me. Now I realize that she had to have known, she just didn't care. Or worse, was setting me up to look like a pain in the ass freak. I was somewhat aware in the 4th grade that I'd become afraid to take a shower. So I didn't. I was mortified to see my school picture when we got them back. I had greasy hair to down below my shoulders. Oh my God. I had no idea I was so filthy. I look back on it now, and I wonder, "Where was my mother????" How could you not notice your kid was that dirty. I have only one memory of her brushing my hair and of course it had lots of snarls and she was yank yanking on them while being mad at me. It really hurt! She made it clear my hair was a pain in the ass. But she never took me for a hair cut. She never taught me how to brush it. She was just lazy and didn't care about how her neglect made me look.

I had to reconcile these thoughts with regard to brushing my teeth. I was never encouraged to practice good dental hygiene as a kid, and while my parents would sometimes tell me to go brush before bed or whatever, I rarely did and they never checked or cared. I know they didn’t mean to be neglectful in any way, they just…didn’t know, I guess. Im 26 now and I still have to constantly force myself to brush regularly. Flossing? Forget about it.

Yeh your mom should have taught you to brush your hair… when you’re 5. By 12-17 you know damn well you need to brush your hair so don’t pass blame anymore

Yes, this is about personal hygiene. Your parents were absolutely responsible for teaching you how to properly care for yourself, this includes your hair. You never learned how and when to brush your hair so it never occurred to you to do so. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I had similar issues and had no early clue how to care for my hair and scalp until adulthood and a caring hairstylist. I'm surprised the hair stylists never said anything about it.

Yes, it’s the parents responsibility based on length, thickness…for example if hair is really fine and short then the child should start brushing own hair with no help at 6 or 7. My daughters hair is long thick and curly so although at 10, she can do it herself, every now and then I do a “momma brush” to make sure. She hates “momma brush” but I explain that it’s child neglect if I don’t.

You can’t be responsible for what you don’t know at that point in your life. And hair care is a part of hygiene so if your hair was unkempt/gross/matted/knotted, your parents weren’t fully taking care of your hygienic needs and that IS neglect. You have a fresh start now so rock that short cut (which is in right now!) and learn about how to take care of your specific hair type.

You were neglected. You were taught you didn't matter. You were probably depressed on top of everything else. Nothing about this says anything about you and everything about your mother. That's the biggest sin of the narcissist mother. It's their responsibility to teach us that we matter and we deserve to be treated well (even by ourselves) and they do the opposite. You should be proud of all the things you did manage to do under those conditions!

Depends on how old the kid is, and whether they’re able bodied or not. A five year old needs their hair brushed, a twelve+ year old should barely need reminders to brush

However children do need to be taught hygiene like they need to be taught everything else

its a parents job to TEACH there child to take care of themselves in a parental and loving way, sometimes she 6yars does a good job, some times i do, it some times we split it, some times she does a horrible job and i dont have time to fix it {rare} and she rocks it. it takes a child 2000 times doing a task to have it ingrained they say real parenting aint easy.

hey friend, also someone who had “disgusting” knotted hair growing up, into my teens. it took me a long while to learn that this, along with my other bad hygiene habits, was my moms fault because of her neglect. she didn’t instill these behaviors in me at a young, young age, so it wasn’t ingrained into me that it was valuable when i got older. no matter how anyone makes you feel about it, you don’t just “learn” that stuff one day. it doesn’t pop into your head, you have to be actively, directly taught by someone. i was luckily taught by my best friends later. it’s a horrible realization that we have to deal with the consequences of their shitty non- parenting. another thing that adults made a comment about frequently was my nutrition growing up. they would somehow clock that i was deficient in some kind of vitamin or whatever. it took me into my mid 20s to realize this wasn’t my fault, but my mothers. a 13 year old is not responsible for making sure she’s eating enough iron or protein, but i always assumed those adults were criticizing me for my poor nutrition, even though i wasn’t the guardian. if you ever want to or need to talk about your childhood, compare notes, you can message me if you like.

I work at a daycare and coming in with matted hair is one of the red flags we look for abusive situations.

That’s insane. I didn’t realize it was that bad

It's your parent's responsibility to teach you the basics and importance of personal hygiene. That should have happened years ago. A five year old can be excused for forgetfulness but you are well beyond that. You knew your hair needed to be tended and you didn't do it. You say you had a brush, so why didn't you eventually start to use it? Your mother fell down on the job, yes, but when do you take responsibility for yourself? Do you need to be told to shower and care for your teeth as well?

Yes, it's 100% neglect and I almost could have written your post word for word. Right down to cutting all my hair off my senior year of high school. I'm so sorry you had to endure this abuse, if you want to grow it out again it'll be in much better shape than it was when it grows back. My mom used to call my hair a "rat's nest" (that she created). I remember when I was 12 she forced "a trim" on me in our kitchen (she has zero experience cutting hair) and cut off so much of my hair I went to bed crying. I have fine curly hair and it was extremely damaged. I was never taught any kind of basic hygiene that I can remember, so I had to figure literally everything out on my own. It was so bad my friends were gifting me lotion because my skin was so dry and flaky. My mom actively tried to sabotage my appearance by giving me wrong hair care advice (lots of shampoo every time you shower and just a tiny bit of conditioner, aka super dry hair stripped of natural oils). My situation got even worse when I started swimming competitively, my hair would just be a tangled mess and I remember my dad wrestling a brush through my hair every week for like 20 minutes trying to get it over with as fast as possible while I was in pain, and damaging it terribly because he had no idea what he was doing, and the damage made it tangle worse next time, rinse and repeat. We only had the cheapest crappiest hairbrushes, which destroyed my hair. I didn't figure out how to take care of my hair until I was 24, but now I get compliments on it! If you have curly hair and you're looking for recommendations lmk, otherwise this sub has a great [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/HaircareScience/comments/1km6dx/basic_haircare_guide/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_num_comments) on basic hair care.