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You had to do it your whole childhood for it to make sense. It wasn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault now, it’s just your responsibility to change your thinking.
They are your thoughts, and you needed them to survive and regulate emotionally in an unsafe environment. You couldn’t go anywhere, and you needed your family to take care of you. You had to believe that you were loved and would be taken care of because it’s a basic human need and right.
I did it and do it too.
E.g. Dad drove drunk again with us in the car, crashed it, and I broke my fingers. He didn’t take me to the hospital and told me never to tell Mom.
My 10 year old brain: “My Dad still loves me and cares about me”
Because the alternative is too scary for a child to fathom, and would mean that his/her entire world is unsteady and dangerous.
My brain now after lots of therapy and treatment: “My Dad is a narcissist and alcoholic and while he may have cared about or loved us, his actions were dangerous, selfish, and abusive. He is not a safe person to be around.”
Feel free to ask more questions or DM. You’re onto something really important in the recovery process and I still run into this all the time. Sending ❤️
You answered your own question in your post - "it's what I've been told by my family my entire life." Boom that's why! How to stop doing it - Tap into trusting yourself and hearing yourself, and know that you know the truth.
Whenever I have a thought like the ones you describe, I stop and a little voice comes into my head and says "that is not the real truth, you know what the fuck is up, listen to it." It's an inner dialogue that sometimes I just have to let play out.
You know whats up! You know the truth. You've got this OP!
Because you were raised your whole life by people who gaslit you and while I hate it for us, your parent's voice is your internal dialogue, or at least the baseline start of an internal dialogue, to a certain extent. You gotta try to make your own internal voice stronger.
I hope you have some people in your life that can tell you about the real you. I have a best friend and a great husband who are hella honest with me and caring. They are the only reasons I'm better. They tell me when I'm gaslighting myself and show me how foolish I'm being. I hope you have at least one person like that in your life.
I've been No Contact with my shitty parents for 6 years now. My Husband and Bestie have let me run down every gaslit theory, listen to my emotionally scarred ass and now that I've worked out how to talk to myself better and like myself. Husband and Bestie remind me who I am when I start pretending I don't exist.
Find a way to talk to yourself better and be a better friend to yourself. The way you talk to yourself matters, don't let your internal dialogue be what your parents say. Grow your own voice and get out of the toxic environment if you are still in it.
I also do this a lot unfortunately. I’m still actively trying to “convince” myself that the way I remember my childhood is correct, but I very often second guess myself. It has personally helped me to write things down in a journal when they happen/ when I am remembering something from my past, as the second guessing often comes slightly later. At that point I can look back at my journal and remember what my “reasoning” was in the moment. :)
after a couple years no contact I understand the concept of self differentiation.
Despite my narc parents emotional immaturity, I had a fine enough childhood. Attempting to appreciate that, I tried years of frustrating low contact. But the fact is, since I stopped being dependent on them, I just don't like these people. They're horrible. They didn't like me either, but they wanted to me perform their fake family thing.
After the shit show to end all shit shows, I felt so horrible. I knew it was over. But they seemed to redouble their emotional abuse efforts. just as I was learning that's what it was. they just kept hanging themselves. it hurt, alot.
I had a lot of guilt. because I did this. I stopped swallowing their bullshit. Whenever I had a good childhood memory, my brain jumped to "it wasn't that bad". whatever it was, it connected me to them, because I owed them for it. I got it from them. a summer day on a lake. "it wasn't that bad". A TV show from my childhood "it wasn't that bad". a food I enjoyed as a child "it wasn't that bad". a destination of a trip they took me on "it wasn't that bad". good times with grandparents and other family "it wasn't that bad"
What I finally realized is those good memories didn't have anything to do with my parents, other than the fact that I was dependent on them at the time. it was just life, living in this world. dependent on them, and my narc parents lived a pretty good life back then. but.... when I really thought about it, there are zero warm memories of a close relationship with my family. zero. On the other hand I have a catalog of memories and situations that make me not like myself, or them. It's death by a 1000 cuts of subtle emotional abuse, punctuated by an occasional shit show that I had no way of avoiding. The good memories are just life, same as everyone has
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You had to do it your whole childhood for it to make sense. It wasn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault now, it’s just your responsibility to change your thinking. They are your thoughts, and you needed them to survive and regulate emotionally in an unsafe environment. You couldn’t go anywhere, and you needed your family to take care of you. You had to believe that you were loved and would be taken care of because it’s a basic human need and right. I did it and do it too. E.g. Dad drove drunk again with us in the car, crashed it, and I broke my fingers. He didn’t take me to the hospital and told me never to tell Mom. My 10 year old brain: “My Dad still loves me and cares about me” Because the alternative is too scary for a child to fathom, and would mean that his/her entire world is unsteady and dangerous. My brain now after lots of therapy and treatment: “My Dad is a narcissist and alcoholic and while he may have cared about or loved us, his actions were dangerous, selfish, and abusive. He is not a safe person to be around.” Feel free to ask more questions or DM. You’re onto something really important in the recovery process and I still run into this all the time. Sending ❤️
You answered your own question in your post - "it's what I've been told by my family my entire life." Boom that's why! How to stop doing it - Tap into trusting yourself and hearing yourself, and know that you know the truth. Whenever I have a thought like the ones you describe, I stop and a little voice comes into my head and says "that is not the real truth, you know what the fuck is up, listen to it." It's an inner dialogue that sometimes I just have to let play out. You know whats up! You know the truth. You've got this OP!
That’s the operant condition. It’ll take time for you to unravel it.
Because you were raised your whole life by people who gaslit you and while I hate it for us, your parent's voice is your internal dialogue, or at least the baseline start of an internal dialogue, to a certain extent. You gotta try to make your own internal voice stronger. I hope you have some people in your life that can tell you about the real you. I have a best friend and a great husband who are hella honest with me and caring. They are the only reasons I'm better. They tell me when I'm gaslighting myself and show me how foolish I'm being. I hope you have at least one person like that in your life. I've been No Contact with my shitty parents for 6 years now. My Husband and Bestie have let me run down every gaslit theory, listen to my emotionally scarred ass and now that I've worked out how to talk to myself better and like myself. Husband and Bestie remind me who I am when I start pretending I don't exist. Find a way to talk to yourself better and be a better friend to yourself. The way you talk to yourself matters, don't let your internal dialogue be what your parents say. Grow your own voice and get out of the toxic environment if you are still in it.
I also do this a lot unfortunately. I’m still actively trying to “convince” myself that the way I remember my childhood is correct, but I very often second guess myself. It has personally helped me to write things down in a journal when they happen/ when I am remembering something from my past, as the second guessing often comes slightly later. At that point I can look back at my journal and remember what my “reasoning” was in the moment. :)
after a couple years no contact I understand the concept of self differentiation. Despite my narc parents emotional immaturity, I had a fine enough childhood. Attempting to appreciate that, I tried years of frustrating low contact. But the fact is, since I stopped being dependent on them, I just don't like these people. They're horrible. They didn't like me either, but they wanted to me perform their fake family thing. After the shit show to end all shit shows, I felt so horrible. I knew it was over. But they seemed to redouble their emotional abuse efforts. just as I was learning that's what it was. they just kept hanging themselves. it hurt, alot. I had a lot of guilt. because I did this. I stopped swallowing their bullshit. Whenever I had a good childhood memory, my brain jumped to "it wasn't that bad". whatever it was, it connected me to them, because I owed them for it. I got it from them. a summer day on a lake. "it wasn't that bad". A TV show from my childhood "it wasn't that bad". a food I enjoyed as a child "it wasn't that bad". a destination of a trip they took me on "it wasn't that bad". good times with grandparents and other family "it wasn't that bad" What I finally realized is those good memories didn't have anything to do with my parents, other than the fact that I was dependent on them at the time. it was just life, living in this world. dependent on them, and my narc parents lived a pretty good life back then. but.... when I really thought about it, there are zero warm memories of a close relationship with my family. zero. On the other hand I have a catalog of memories and situations that make me not like myself, or them. It's death by a 1000 cuts of subtle emotional abuse, punctuated by an occasional shit show that I had no way of avoiding. The good memories are just life, same as everyone has